Act II
[SCENE I.][3930]
Enter BEATRICE and JASPERINO severally.
Beat. O sir, I ’m ready now for that fair service Which makes the name of friend sit glorious on you! Good angels and this conduct be your guide! [Giving a paper.] Fitness of time and place is there set down, sir.
Jas. The joy I shall return rewards my service. Exit. 5
Beat. How wise is Alsemero in his friend! It is a sign he makes his choice with judgment; Then I appear in nothing more approv’d Than making choice of him; for ’t is a principle, He that can choose 10 That bosom well who of his thoughts partakes, Proves most discreet in every choice he makes. Methinks I love now with the eyes of judgment, And see the way to merit, clearly see it. A true deserver like a diamond sparkles; 15 In darkness you may see him, that ’s in absence, Which is the greatest darkness falls on love; Yet is he best discern’d then With intellectual eyesight. What ’s Piracquo, My father spends his breath for? And his blessing 20 Is only mine as I regard his name, Else it goes from me, and turns head against me, Transform’d into a curse. Some speedy way Must be rememb’red. He ’s so forward too, So urgent that way, scarce allows me breath 25 To speak to my new comforts.
Enter DE FLORES.
De F. [Aside.] Yonder ’s she; Whatever ails me, now a-late especially, I can as well be hang’d as refrain seeing her; Some twenty times a day, nay, not so little, Do I force errands, frame ways and excuses, 30 To come into her sight; and I ’ve small reason for ’t, And less encouragement, for she baits me still Every time worse than other; does profess herself The cruellest enemy to my face in town; At no hand can abide the sight of me, 35 As if danger or ill-luck hung in my looks. I must confess my face is bad enough, But I know far worse has better fortune, And not endur’d alone, but doted on; And yet such pick-hair’d faces, chins like witches’, 40 Here and there five hairs whispering in a corner, As if they grew in fear one of another, Wrinkles like troughs, where swine-deformity swills The tears of perjury, that lie there like wash Fallen from the slimy and dishonest eye,— 45 Yet such a one plucks sweets without restraint, And has the grace of beauty to his sweet. Though my hard fate has thrust me out to servitude, I tumbled into th’ world a gentleman. She turns her blessed eye upon me now, 50 And I ’ll endure all storms before I part with ’t.
Beat. [Aside.] Again? This ominous ill-fac’d fellow more disturbs me Than all my other passions.
De F. [Aside.] Now ’t begins again: 55 I ’ll stand this storm of hail, though the stones pelt me.
Beat. Thy business? What ’s thy business?
De F. [Aside.] Soft and fair! I cannot part so soon now.
Beat. [Aside.] The villain ’s fixt.— Thou standing toad-pool——
De F. [Aside.] The shower falls amain now.
Beat. Who sent thee? What ’s thy errand? Leave my sight! 60
De F. My lord your father, charg’d me to deliver A message to you.
Beat. What, another since? Do ’t, and be hang’d then; let me be rid of thee.
De F. True service merits mercy.
Beat. What ’s thy message?
De F. Let beauty settle but in patience, 65 You shall hear all.
Beat. A dallying, trifling torment!
De F. Signor Alonzo de Piracquo, lady, Sole brother to Tomaso de Piracquo——
Beat. Slave, when wilt make an end?
De F. Too soon I shall.
Beat. What all this while of him?
De F. The said Alonzo, 70 With the foresaid Tomaso——
Beat. Yet again?
De F. Is new alighted.
Beat. Vengeance strike the news! Thou thing most loath’d, what cause was there in this To bring thee to my sight?
De F. My lord your father Charg’d me to seek you out.
Beat. Is there no other 75 To send his errand by?
De F. It seems ’t is my luck To be i’ th’ way still.
Beat. Get thee from me!
De F. So:— [Aside.] Why, am not I an ass to devise ways Thus to be rail’d at? I must see her still! 80 I shall have a mad qualm within this hour again, I know ’t; and, like a common Garden[3931]-bull, I do but take breath to be lugg’d[3932] again. What this may bode I know not; I’ll despair the less, 84 Because there ’s daily precedents of bad faces Belov’d beyond all reason. These foul chops May come into favour one day ’mongst [their][3933] fellows. Wrangling has prov’d the mistress of good pastime; As children cry themselves asleep, I ha’ seen Women have chid themselves a-bed to men. Exit. 90
Beat. I never see this fellow but I think Of some harm towards me; danger ’s in my mind still; I scarce leave trembling of an hour after. The next good mood I find my father in, I ’ll get him quite discarded. O, I was 95 Lost in this small disturbance, and forgot Affliction’s fiercer torrent that now comes To bear down all my comforts!
Enter VERMANDERO, ALONZO, and TOMASO.
Ver. You ’re both welcome, But an especial one belongs to you, sir, 99 To whose most noble name our love presents Th’ addition[3934] of a son, our son Alonzo.
Alon. The treasury of honour cannot bring forth A title I should more rejoice in, sir.
Ver. You have improv’d it well.—Daughter, prepare; The day will steal upon thee suddenly. 105
Beat. [Aside.] Howe’er, I will be sure to keep the night, If it should come so near me. [BEATRICE and VERMANDERO talk apart.]
Tom. Alonzo.
Alon. Brother?
Tom. In troth I see small welcome in her eye.
Alon. Fie, you are too severe a censurer[3935] Of love in all points, there ’s no bringing on you. 110 If lovers should mark everything a fault, Affection would be like an ill-set book, Whose faults might prove as big as half the volume.
Beat. That ’s all I do entreat.
Ver. It is but reasonable; 114 I ’ll see what my son says to ’t.—Son Alonzo, Here is a motion made but to reprieve A maidenhead three days longer; the request Is not far out of reason, for indeed The former time is pinching.
Alon. Though my joys Be set back so much time as I could wish 120 They had been forward, yet since she desires it, The time is set as pleasing as before. I find no gladness wanting.
Ver. May I ever Meet it in that point still! You ’re nobly welcome, sirs. Exit with BEATRICE.
Tom. So; did you mark the dulness of her parting now? 125
Alon. What dulness? Thou art so exceptious still!
Tom. Why, let it go then; I am but a fool To mark your harms so needfully.
Alon. Where ’s the oversight?
Tom. Come, your faith ’s cozened in her, strongly cozened. Unsettle your affection with all speed 130 Wisdom can bring it to; your peace is ruin’d else. Think what a torment ’t is to marry one Whose heart is leapt into another’s bosom: If ever pleasure she receive from thee, It comes not in thy name, or of thy gift; 135 She lies but with another in thine arms, He the half-father unto all thy children In the conception; if he get ’em not, She helps to get ’em for him;[3936] and how dangerous 139 And shameful her restraint may go in time to, It is not to be thought on without sufferings.
Alon. You speak as if she lov’d some other, then.
Tom. Do you apprehend so slowly?
Alon. Nay, an that Be your fear only, I am safe enough. Preserve your friendship and your counsel, brother, 145 For times of more distress; I should depart An enemy, a dangerous, deadly one, To any but thyself, that should but think She knew the meaning of inconstancy, Much less the use and practice: yet we ’re friends. 150 Pray, let no more be urg’d; I can endure Much, till I meet an injury to her, Then I am not myself. Farewell, sweet brother; How much we ’re bound to Heaven to depart lovingly. Exit.
Tom. Why, here is love’s tame madness; thus a man 155 Quickly steals into his vexation. Exit.
[SCENE II.][3937]
Enter DIAPHANTA and ALSEMERO.
Dia. The place is my charge; you have kept your hour, And the reward of a just meeting bless you! I hear my lady coming. Complete gentleman, I dare not be too busy with my praises, They’re dangerous things to deal with. Exit.
Als. This goes well; 5 These women are the ladies’ cabinets, Things of most precious trust are lockt into ’em.
Enter BEATRICE.
Beat. I have within mine eye all my desires. Requests that holy prayers ascend Heaven for, And brings ’em down to furnish our defects, 10 Come not more sweet to our necessities Than thou unto my wishes.
Als. We ’re so like In our expressions, lady, that unless I borrow The same words, I shall never find their equals.
Beat. How happy were this meeting, this embrace, 15 If it were free from envy! This poor kiss It has an enemy, a hateful one, That wishes poison to ’t. How well were I now, If there were none such name known as Piracquo, Nor no such tie as the command of parents! 20 I should be but too much bless’d.
Als. One good service Would strike off both your fears, and I ’ll go near ’t too, Since you are so distrest. Remove the cause, The command ceases; so there’s two fears blown out With one and the same blast.
Beat. Pray, let me find[3938] you, sir: 25 What might that service be, so strangely happy?
Als. The honourablest piece about man, valour: I ’ll send a challenge to Piracquo instantly.
Beat. How? Call you that extinguishing of fear, When ’t is the only way to keep it flaming? 30 Are not you ventured in the action, That ’s all my joys and comforts? Pray, no more, sir. Say you prevail’d, you ’re danger’s and not mine then; The law would claim you from me, or obscurity Be made the grave to bury you alive. 35 I ’m glad these thoughts come forth; O, keep not one Of this condition, sir! Here was a course Found to bring sorrow on her way to death; The tears would ne’er ha’ dried, till dust had chok’d ’em. Blood-guiltiness becomes a fouler visage;— 40 [Aside.] And now I think on one; I was to blame, I ha’ marr’d so good a market with my scorn; ’T had been done questionless: the ugliest creature Creation fram’d for some use: yet to see 44 I could not mark so much where it should be!
Als. Lady——
Beat. [Aside.] Why, men of art make much of poison, Keep one to expel another. Where was my art?
Als. Lady, you hear not me.
Beat. I do especially, sir. The present times are not so sure of our side As those hereafter may be; we must use ’em then 50 As thrifty folks their wealth, sparingly now, Till the time opens.
Als. You teach wisdom, lady.
Beat. Within there! Diaphanta!
Re-enter DIAPHANTA.
Dia. Do you call, madam?
Beat. Perfect your service, and conduct this gentleman The private way you brought him.
Dia. I shall, madam. 55
Als. My love ’s as firm as love e’er built upon. Exit with DIAPHANTA.
Enter DE FLORES.
De F. [Aside.] I ’ve watcht this meeting, and do wonder much What shall become of t’ other; I ’m sure both Cannot be serv’d unless she transgress; haply Then I ’ll put in for one; for if a woman 60 Fly from one point, from him she makes a husband, She spreads and mounts then like arithmetic; One, ten, a hundred, a thousand, ten thousand, Proves in time sutler to an army royal. Now do I look to be most richly rail’d at, 65 Yet I must see her.
Beat. [Aside.] Why, put case I loath’d him As much as youth and beauty hates a sepulchre, Must I needs show it? Cannot I keep that secret, And serve my turn upon him? See, he ’s here— De Flores.
De F. [Aside.] Ha, I shall run mad with joy! She call’d me fairly by my name De Flores, 71 And neither rogue nor rascal.
Beat. What ha’ you done To your face a’ late? You ’ve met with some good physician; You ’ve prun’d[3939] yourself, methinks: you were not wont To look so amorously.[3940]
De F. Not I;— 75 [Aside.] ’T is the same physnomy, to a hair and pimple, Which she called scurvy scarce an hour ago: How is this?
Beat. Come hither; nearer, man.
De F. [Aside.] I ’m up to the chin in Heaven!
Beat. Turn, let me see; Faugh, ’t is but the heat of the liver, I perceive ’t; I thought it had been worse.
De F. [Aside.] Her fingers toucht me! 81 She smells all amber.[3941]
Beat. I ’ll make a water for you shall cleanse this Within a fortnight.
De F. With your own hands, lady? 84
Beat. Yes, mine own, sir; in a work of cure I ’ll trust no other.
De F. [Aside.] ’T is half an act of pleasure To hear her talk thus to me.
Beat. When we ’re us’d To a hard face, it is not so unpleasing; It mends still in opinion, hourly mends; I see it by experience.
De F. [Aside.] I was blest 90 To light upon this minute; I ’ll make use on’t.
Beat. Hardness becomes the visage of a man well; It argues service, resolution, manhood, If cause were of employment.
De F. ’T would be soon seen If e’er your ladyship had cause to use it; 95 I would but wish the honour of a service So happy as that mounts to.
Beat. We shall try you.— O my De Flores!
De F. [Aside.] How ’s that? She calls me hers Already! My De Flores!—You were about To sigh out somewhat, madam?
Beat. No, was I? 100 I forgot,—O!——
De F. There ’t is again, the very fellow on’t.
Beat. You are too quick, sir.
De F. There ’s no excuse for ’t now; I heard it twice, madam; That sigh would fain have utterance: take pity on ’t, And lend it a free word. ’Las, how it labours For liberty! I hear the murmur yet 106 Beat at your bosom.
Beat. Would creation——
De F. Ay, well said, that is it.
Beat. Had form’d me man!
De F. Nay, that ’s not it.
Beat. O, ’t is the soul of freedom! I should not then be forc’d to marry one 110 I hate beyond all depths; I should have power Then to oppose my loathings, nay, remove ’em For ever from my sight.
De F. [Aside.] O blest occasion!—— Without change to your sex you have your wishes; Claim so much man in me.
Beat. In thee, De Flores? 115 There is small cause for that.
De F. Put it not from me, It is a service that I kneel for to you. [Kneels.]
Beat. You are too violent to mean faithfully. There ’s horror in my service, blood, and danger; Can those be things to sue for?
De F. If you knew 120 How sweet it were to me to be employed In any act of yours, you would say then I fail’d, and us’d not reverence enough When I receive[d] the charge on ’t.
Beat. [Aside.] This is much, Methinks; belike his wants are greedy; and 125 To such gold tastes like angel’s food. Rise.
De F. I ’ll have the work first.
Beat. [Aside.] Possible his need Is strong upon him.—There ’s to encourage thee; [Gives money.] As thou art forward, and thy service dangerous, Thy reward shall be precious.
De F. That I ’ve thought on; 130 I have assur’d myself of that beforehand, And know it will be precious; the thought ravishes!
Beat. Then take him to thy fury!
De F. I thirst for him.
Beat. Alonzo de Piracquo.
De F. [rising.] His end ’s upon him; He shall be seen no more.
Beat. How lovely now 135 Dost thou appear to me! Never was man Dearlier rewarded.
De F. I do think of that.
Beat. Be wondrous careful in the execution.
De F. Why, are not both our lives upon the cast?
Beat. Then I throw all my fears upon thy service. 140
De F. They ne’er shall rise to hurt you.
Beat. When the deed ’s done, I ’ll furnish thee with all things for thy flight; Thou may’st live bravely in another country.
De F. Ay, ay; We ’ll talk of that hereafter.
Beat. [Aside.] I shall rid myself 145 Of two inveterate loathings at one time, Piracquo, and his dog-face. Exit.
De F. O my blood! Methinks I feel her in mine arms already; Her wanton fingers combing out this beard, And, being pleased, praising this bad face. 150 Hunger and pleasure, they ’ll commend sometimes Slovenly dishes, and feed heartily on ’em. Nay, which is stranger, refuse daintier for ’em: Some women are odd feeders.—I am too loud. Here comes the man goes supperless to bed, 155 Yet shall not rise to-morrow to his dinner.
Enter ALONZO.
Alon. De Flores.
De F. My kind, honourable lord?
Alon. I ’m glad I ha’ met with thee.
De F. Sir?
Alon. Thou canst show me The full strength of the castle?
De F. That I can, sir.
Alon. I much desire it.
De F. And if the ways and straits 160 Of some of the passages be not too tedious for you, I’ll assure you, worth your time and sight, my lord.
Alon. Pooh, that shall be no hindrance.
De F. I ’m your servant, then. ’Tis now near dinner-time; ’gainst[3942] your lordship’s rising I ’ll have the keys about me.
Alon. Thanks, kind De Flores. 165
De F. [Aside.] He ’s safely thrust upon me beyond hopes. Exeunt [severally].
Act III
[SCENE I.][3943]
Enter ALONZO and DE FLORES. (In the act-time[3944] DE FLORES hides a naked rapier) [behind a door.]
De Flores. Yes, here are all the keys; I was afraid, my lord, I ’d wanted for the postern, this is it. I ’ve all, I ’ve all, my lord: this for the sconce.[3945]
Alon. ’Tis a most spacious and impregnable fort.
De F. You ’ll tell me more, my lord. This descent 5 Is somewhat narrow, we shall never pass Well with our weapons, they ’ll but trouble us.
Alon. Thou sayest true.
De F. Pray, let me help your lordship.
Alon. ’T is done: thanks, kind De Flores.
De F. Here are hooks, my lord, To hang such things on purpose. 10 [Hanging up his own sword and that of ALONZO.]
Alon. Lead, I ’ll follow thee. Exeunt.[3946]
[SCENE II][3947]
[Enter ALONZO and DE FLORES.]
De F. All this is nothing; you shall see anon A place you little dream on.
Alon. I am glad I have this leisure; all your master’s house Imagine I ha’ taken a gondola.
De F. All but myself, sir,—[aside] which makes up my safety. 5 My lord, I ’ll place you at a casement here Will show you the full strength of all the castle. Look, spend your eye awhile upon that object.
Alon. Here’s rich variety, De Flores.
De F. Yes, sir.
Alon. Goodly munition.
De F. Ay, there’s ordnance, sir, 10 No bastard metal, will ring you a peal like bells At great men’s funerals. Keep your eye straight, my lord: Take special notice of that sconce[3945] before you, There you may dwell awhile. [Takes the rapier which he had hid behind the door.]
Alon. I am upon ’t.
De F. And so am I. [Stabs him.]
Alon. De Flores! O De Flores! 15 Whose malice hast thou put on?
De F. Do you question A work of secrecy? I must silence you. [Stabs him.]
Alon. O, O, O!
De F. I must silence you. [Stabs him.] So here ’s an undertaking well accomplish’d. This vault serves to good use now: ha, what ’s that 20 Threw sparkles in my eye? O, ’t is a diamond He wears upon his finger: ’t was well found; This will approve the work.[3948] What, so fast on? Not part in death? I ’ll take a speedy course then, Finger and all shall off. [Cuts off the finger.] So, now I ’ll clear 25 The passages from all suspect or fear. Exit with body.
[SCENE III.][3949]
Enter ISABELLA and LOLLIO.
Isa. Why, sirrah, whence have you commission To fetter the doors against me? If you keep me in a cage, pray, whistle to me, Let me be doing something.
Lol. You shall be doing, if it please you; (5) I ’ll whistle to you, if you ’ll pipe after.
Isa. Is it your master’s pleasure, or your own, To keep me in this pinfold?
Lol. ’T is for my master’s pleasure, lest being taken in another man’s corn, you might be (10) pounded in another place.
Isa. ’T is very well, and he ’ll prove very wise.
Lol. He says you have company enough in the house, if you please to be sociable, of all sorts of people. 15
Isa. Of all sorts? Why, here ’s none but fools and madmen.
Lol. Very well: and where will you find any other, if you should go abroad? There ’s my master and I to boot too. 20
Isa. Of either sort one, a madman and a fool.
Lol. I would ev’n participate of both then if I were as you; I know you’re half mad already, be half foolish too. 25
Isa. You’re a brave saucy rascal! Come on, sir, Afford me then the pleasure of your bedlam. You were commending once to-day to me Your last-come lunatic; what a proper[3950] Body there was without brains to guide it, 30 And what a pitiful delight appear’d In that defect, as if your wisdom had found A mirth in madness; pray, sir, let me partake, If there be such a pleasure.
Lol. If I do not show you the handsomest, (35) discreetest madman, one that I may call the understanding madman, then say I am a fool.
Isa. Well, a match, I will say so.
Lol. When you have had a taste of the madman, you shall, if you please, see Fool’s College, (40) o’ th’ [other] side. I seldom lock there; ’t is but shooting a bolt or two, and you are amongst ’em. Exit. Enter presently.—Come on, sir; let me see how handsomely you ’ll behave yourself now. 45
Enter FRANCISCUS.
Fran. How sweetly she looks! O, but there’s a wrinkle in her brow as deep as philosophy. Anacreon, drink to my mistress’ health, I’ll pledge it. Stay, stay, there ’s a spider in the cup! No, ’t is but a grape-stone; swallow it, (50) fear nothing, poet; so, so, lift higher.
Isa. Alack, alack, it is too full of pity To be laught at! How fell he mad? Canst thou tell?
Lol. For love, mistress. He was a pretty poet, too, and that set him forwards first; (55) the muses then forsook him; he ran mad for a chambermaid, yet she was but a dwarf neither.
Fran. Hail, bright Titania! Why stand’st thou idle on these flow’ry banks? Oberon is dancing with his Dryades; 60 I ’ll gather daisies, primrose, violets, And bind them in a verse of poesy.
Lol. [holding up a whip.] Not too near! You see your danger.
Fran. O, hold thy hand, great Diomede! 65 Thou feed’st thy horses well, they shall obey thee: Get up, Bucephalus kneels. [Kneels.]
Lol. You see how I awe my flock; a shepherd has not his dog at more obedience.
Isa. His conscience is unquiet; sure that was 70 The cause of this: a proper gentleman!
Fran. Come hither, Aesculapius; hide the poison.
Lol. Well, ’t is hid. [Hides the whip.]
Fran. Didst thou ne’er hear of one Tiresias, A famous poet?
Lol. Yes, that kept tame wild geese. 75
Fran. That ’s he; I am the man.
Lol. No?
Fran. Yes; but make no words on ’t. I was a man Seven years ago.
Lol. A stripling, I think, you might.
Fran. Now I’m a woman, all feminine. 80
Lol. I would I might see that!
Fran. Juno struck me blind.
Lol. I’ll ne’er believe that; for a woman, they say, has an eye more than a man.
Fran. I say she struck me blind. 85
Lol. And Luna made you mad: you have two trades to beg with.
Fran. Luna is now big-bellied, and there ’s room For both of us to ride with Hecate; I’ll drag thee up into her silver sphere, 90 And there we’ll kick the dog—and beat the bush— That barks against the witches of the night; The swift lycanthropi[3951] that walks the round, We ’ll tear their wolvish skins, and save the sheep. [Attempts to seize LOLLIO.]
Lol. Is ’t come to this? Nay, then, my (95) poison comes forth again. [Showing the whip.] Mad slave, indeed, abuse your keeper!
Isa. I prithee, hence with him, now he grows dangerous.
Fran. [sings.] Sweet love, pity me, Give me leave to lie with thee. 100
Lol. No, I’ll see you wiser first. To your own kennel!
Fran. No noise, she sleeps; draw all the curtains round, Let no soft sound molest the pretty soul But love, and love creeps in at a mouse-hole.
Lol. I would you would get into your hole! (Exit FRANCISCUS.)—Now, mistress, I will (106) bring you another sort; you shall be fool’d another while. [Exit, and brings in ANTONIO.]—Tony, come hither, Tony: look who ’s yonder, Tony. 110
Ant. Cousin, is it not my aunt?[3952]
Lol. Yes, ’t is one of ’em, Tony.
Ant. He, he! how do you, uncle?
Lol. Fear him not, mistress, ’tis a gentle nigget;[3953] you may play with him, as safely with him as with his bauble. 116
Isa. How long hast thou been a fool?
Ant. Ever since I came hither, cousin.
Isa. Cousin? I’m none of thy cousins, fool.
Lol. O, mistress, fools have always so much wit as to claim their kindred. 121
Madman. [within.] Bounce, bounce! he falls, he falls!
Isa. Hark you, your scholars in the upper room Are out of order. 125
Lol. Must I come amongst you there?—Keep you the fool, mistress; I’ll go up and play left-handed Orlando amongst the madmen. Exit.
Isa. Well, sir. 130
Ant. ’T is opportuneful now, sweet lady! nay, Cast no amazing eye upon this change.
Isa. Ha!
Ant. This shape of folly shrouds your dearest love, The truest servant to your powerful beauties, Whose magic had this force thus to transform me. 136
Isa. You ’re a fine fool indeed!
Ant. O, ’t is not strange! Love has an intellect that runs through all The scrutinous[3954] sciences; and, like a cunning poet, Catches a quantity of every knowledge, 140 Yet brings all home into one mystery, Into one secret that he proceeds in.
Isa. You ’re a parlous fool.
Ant. No danger in me; I bring nought but love And his soft-wounding shafts to strike you with. 145 Try but one arrow; if it hurt you, I Will stand you twenty back in recompense. [Kisses her.]
Isa. A forward fool too!
Ant. This was love’s teaching: A thousand ways he fashion’d out my way, And this I found the safest and the nearest, 150 To tread the galaxia to my star.
Isa. Profound withal! certain you dream’d of this, Love never taught it waking.
Ant. Take no acquaintance Of these outward follies, there ’s within A gentleman that loves you.
Isa. When I see him, 155 I ’ll speak with him; so, in the meantime, keep Your habit, it becomes you well enough. As you ’re a gentleman, I ’ll not discover you; That ’s all the favour that you must expect. 159 When you are weary, you may leave the school, For all this while you have but play’d the fool.
Re-enter LOLLIO.
Ant. And must again.—He, he! I thank you, cousin; I ’ll be your valentine to-morrow morning.
Lol. How do you like the fool, mistress?
Isa. Passing well, sir. 165
Lol. Is he not witty, pretty well, for a fool?
Isa. If he holds on as he begins, he ’s like To come to something.
Lol. Ay, thank a good tutor. You may put him to ’t; he begins to answer pretty hard (170) questions.—Tony, how many is five times six?
Ant. Five times six is six times five.
Lol. What arithmetician could have answer’d better? How many is one hundred and seven?
Ant. One hundred and seven is seven hundred and one, cousin. 176
Lol. This is no wit to speak on!—Will you be rid of the fool now?
Isa. By no means; let him stay a little.
Madman. [within.] Catch there, catch the last couple in hell![3955] 181
Lol. Again! must I come amongst you? Would my master were come home! I am not able to govern both these wards together. Exit.
Ant. Why should a minute of love ’s hour be lost? 185
Isa. Fie, out again! I had rather you kept Your other posture; you become not your tongue When you speak from[3956] your clothes.
Ant. How can he freeze 189 Lives near so sweet a warmth? Shall I alone Walk through the orchard of th’ Hesperides, And, cowardly, not dare to pull an apple?
Enter LOLLIO above.
This with the red cheeks I must venture for. [Attempts to kiss her.]
Isa. Take heed, there ’s giants keep ’em.
Lol. [Aside.] How now, fool, are you good at that? Have you read Lipsius?[3957] He ’s past (196) Ars Amandi; I believe I must put harder questions to him, I perceive that.
Isa. You ’re bold without fear too.
Ant. What should I fear, Having all joys about me? Do you smile, And love shall play the wanton on your lip, 201 Meet and retire, retire and meet again; Look you but cheerfully, and in your eyes I shall behold mine own deformity, And dress myself up fairer. I know this shape Becomes me not, but in those bright mirrors 206 I shall array me handsomely.
[Cries of madmen are heard within,] some as birds others as beasts.
Lol. Cuckoo, cuckoo! Exit [above].
Ant. What are these?
Isa. Of fear enough to part us; Yet are they but our schools of lunatics, That act their fantasies in any shapes, 210 Suiting their present thoughts: if sad, they cry; If mirth be their conceit, they laugh again: Sometimes they imitate the beasts and birds, Singing or howling, braying, barking; all As their wild fancies prompt ’em.
Enter LOLLIO.
Ant. These are no fears. 215
Isa. But here ’s a large one, my man.
Ant. Ha, he! that ’s fine sport, indeed, cousin.
Lol. I would my master were come home! ’T is too much for one shepherd to govern two of these flocks; nor can I believe that one (221) churchman can instruct two benefices at once; there will be some incurable mad of the one side, and very fools on the other.—Come, Tony. 225
Ant. Prithee, cousin, let me stay here still.
Lol. No, you must to your book now; you have play’d sufficiently.
Isa. Your fool has grown wondrous witty.
Lol. Well, I ’ll say nothing: but I do not think but he will put you down one of these days. 231 Exit with ANTONIO.
Isa. Here the restrained current might make breach, Spite of the watchful bankers. Would a woman stray, She need not gad abroad to seek her sin, It would be brought home one ways or [an]other: 235 The needle’s point will to the fixed north; Such drawing arctics womens’ beauties are.
Re-enter LOLLIO.
Lol. How dost thou, sweet rogue?
Isa. How now?
Lol. Come, there are degrees; one fool may be better than another. 241
Isa. What’s the matter?
Lol. Nay, if thou giv’st thy mind to fool’s flesh, have at thee!
Isa. You bold slave, you! 245
Lol. I could follow now as t’ other fool did: “What should I fear, Having all joys about me? Do you but smile, And love shall play the wanton on your lip, 250 Meet and retire, retire and meet again; Look you but cheerfully, and in your eyes I shall behold my own deformity, And dress myself up fairer. I know this shape Becomes me not—” 255 And so as it follows: but is not this the most foolish way? Come, sweet rogue; kiss me, my little Lacedaemonian; let me feel how thy pulses beat. Thou hast a thing about thee would do a man pleasure, I’ll lay my hand on ’t. 261
Isa. Sirrah, no more! I see you have discovered This love’s knight errant, who hath made adventure For purchase of[3958] my love: be silent, mute, Mute as a statue, or his injunction 265 For me enjoying, shall be to cut thy throat; I ’ll do it, though for no other purpose; and Be sure he ’ll not refuse it.
Lol. My share, that ’s all; I ’ll have my fool’s part with you.
Isa. No more! Your master.
Enter ALIBIUS.
Alib. Sweet, how dost thou?
Isa. Your bounden servant, sir. 270
Alib. Fie, fie, sweetheart, no more of that.
Isa. You were best lock me up.
Alib. In my arms and bosom, my sweet Isabella, I ’ll lock thee up most nearly.—Lollio, We have employment, we have task in hand. At noble Vermandero’s, our castle’s captain, 276 There is a nuptial to be solemnis’d— Beatrice-Joanna, his fair daughter, bride,— For which the gentleman hath bespoke our pains, A mixture of our madmen and our fools, 280 To finish, as it were, and make the fag[3959] Of all the revels, the third night from the first; Only an unexpected passage over, To make a frightful pleasure, that is all, But not the all I aim at. Could we so act it, To teach it in a wild distracted measure, 286 Though out of form and figure, breaking time’s head, It were no matter, ’t would be heal’d again In one age or other, if not in this: This, this, Lollio, there ’s a good reward begun, And will beget a bounty, be it known. 291
Lol. This is easy, sir, I ’ll warrant you: you have about you fools and madmen that can dance very well; and ’t is no wonder, your best dancers are not the wisest men; the reason is, with often jumping they jolt their brains 296 down into their feet, that their wits lie more in their heels than in their heads.
Alib. Honest Lollio, thou giv’st me a good reason, And a comfort in it.
Isa. You ’ve a fine trade on ’t. Madmen and fools are a staple commodity. 301
Alib. O wife, we must eat, wear clothes, and live. Just at the lawyer’s haven we arrive, By madmen and by fools we both do thrive. Exeunt.
[SCENE IV.][3960]
Enter VERMANDERO, BEATRICE, ALSEMERO, and JASPERINO.
Ver. Valencia speaks so nobly of you, sir, I wish I had a daughter now for you.
Als. The fellow of this creature were a partner For a king’s love.
Ver. I had her fellow once, sir, But Heaven has married her to joys eternal; 5 ’T were sin to wish her in this vale again. Come, sir, your friend and you shall see the pleasures Which my health chiefly joys in.
Als. I hear The beauty of this seat largely [commended].[3961]
Ver. It falls much short of that. Exit with ALSEMERO and JASPERINO.
Beat. So, here ’s one step 10 Into my father’s favour; time will fix him; I ’ve got him now the liberty of the house. So wisdom, by degrees, works out her freedom; And if that eye be dark’ned that offends me,— I wait but that eclipse,—this gentleman 15 Shall soon shine glorious in my father’s liking, Through the refulgent virtue of my love.
Enter DE FLORES.
De F. [Aside.] My thoughts are at a banquet; for the deed, I feel no weight in’t; ’t is but light and cheap For the sweet recompense that I set down for’t.
Beat. De Flores?
De F. Lady?
Beat. Thy looks promise cheerfully. 21
De F. All things are answerable, time, circumstance, Your wishes, and my service.
Beat. Is it done, then?
De F. Piracquo is no more.
Beat. My joys start at mine eyes; our sweet’st delights 25 Are evermore born weeping.
De F. I’ve a token for you.
Beat. For me?
De F. But it was sent somewhat unwillingly; I could not get the ring without the finger. [Producing the finger and ring.]
Beat. Bless me, what hast thou done?
De F. Why, is that more 30 Than killing the whole man? I cut his heart-strings; A greedy hand thrust in a dish at court, In a mistake hath had as much as this.
Beat. ’T is the first token my father made me send him.
De F. And I [have] made him send it back again 35 For his last token. I was loth to leave it, And I’m sure dead men have no use of jewels; He was as loth to part with ’t, for it stuck As if the flesh and it were both one substance.
Beat. At the stag’s fall, the keeper has his fees; 40 ’T is soon appli’d, all dead men’s fees are yours, sir. I pray, bury the finger, but the stone You may make use on shortly; the true value, Take ’t of my truth, is near three hundred ducats.
De F. ’T will hardly buy a capcase[3962] for one’s conscience though, 45 To keep it from the worm, as fine as ’t is. Well, being my fees, I’ll take it; Great men have taught me that, or else my merit Would scorn the way on ’t.
Beat. It might justly, sir. Why, thou mistak’st, De Flores; ’t is not given In state[3963] of recompense.
De F. No, I hope so, lady; 51 You should soon witness my contempt to’t then.
Beat. Prithee,—thou look’st as if thou wert offended.
De F. That were strange, lady; ’t is not possible My service should draw such a cause from you. 55 Offended! Could you think so? That were much For one of my performance, and so warm Yet in my service.
Beat. ’T were misery in me to give you cause, sir.
De F. I know so much, it were so; misery 60 In her most sharp condition.
Beat. ’T is resolv’d then; Look you, sir, here’s three thousand golden florins; I have not meanly thought upon thy merit.
De F. What! Salary? Now you move me.
Beat. How, De Flores?
De F. Do you place me in the rank of verminous fellows, 65 To destroy things for wages? Offer gold For the life-blood of man? Is anything Valued too precious for my recompense?
Beat. I understand thee not.
De F. I could ha’ hir’d A journeyman in murder at this rate, 70 And mine own conscience might have [slept at ease],[3964] And have had the work brought home.
Beat. [Aside.] I’m in a labyrinth; What will content him? I’d fain be rid of him. I’ll double the sum, sir.
De F. You take a course To double my vexation, that’s the good you do.
Beat. [Aside.] Bless me, I’m now in worse plight than I was; 76 I know not what will please him.—For my fear’s sake, I prithee, make away with all speed possible; And if thou be’st so modest not to name The sum that will content thee, paper blushes not, 80 Send thy demand in writing, it shall follow thee; But, prithee, take thy flight.
De F. You must fly too, then.
Beat. I?
De F. I’ll not stir a foot else.
Beat. What’s your meaning?
De F. Why, are not you as guilty? In, I’m sure, As deep as I; and we should stick together. 85 Come, your fears counsel you but ill; my absence Would draw suspect upon you instantly; There were no rescue for you.
Beat. [Aside.] He speaks home!
De F. Nor is it fit we two, engag’d so jointly, Should part and live asunder.
Beat. How now, sir? 90 This shows not well.
De F. What makes your lip so strange? This must not be ’twixt[3965] us.
Beat. The man talks wildly!
De F. Come, kiss me with a zeal now.
Beat. [Aside.] Heaven, I doubt him!
De F. I will not stand so long to beg ’em shortly. 95
Beat. Take heed, De Flores, of forgetfulness, ’T will soon betray us.
De F. Take you heed first; Faith, you’re grown much forgetful, you’re to blame in’t.
Beat. [Aside.] He’s bold, and I am blam’d for’t.
De F. I have eas’d you Of your trouble, think on it; I am[3966] in pain, 100 And must be eas’d of[3967] you; ’t is a charity, Justice invites your blood to understand me.
Beat. I dare not.
De F. Quickly!
Beat. O, I never shall! Speak it yet further off, that I may lose What has been spoken, and no sound remain on ’t; I would not hear so much offence again 106 For such another deed.
De F. Soft, lady, soft! The last is not yet paid for. O, this act Has put me into spirit; I was as greedy on ’t As the parcht earth of moisture, when the clouds weep. 110 Did you not mark, I wrought myself into ’t, Nay, su’d and kneel’d for ’t? Why was all that pains took? You see I ’ve thrown contempt upon your gold; Not that I want it [not],[3968] for I do piteously, 114 In order I ’ll come unto ’t, and make use on ’t, But ’t was not held so precious to begin with, For I place wealth after the heels of pleasure; And were not I resolv’d in my belief That thy virginity were perfect in thee, I should but take my recompense with grudging, 120 As if I had but half my hopes I agreed for.
Beat. Why, ’t is impossible thou canst be so wicked, Or shelter such a cunning cruelty. To make his death the murderer of my honour! Thy language is so bold and vicious, 125 I cannot see which way I can forgive it With any modesty.
De F. Pish! you forget yourself; A woman dipt in blood, and talk of modesty!
Beat. O misery of sin! would I ’d been bound Perpetually unto my living hate 130 In that Piracquo, than to hear these words! Think but upon the distance that creation Set ’twixt thy blood and mine, and keep thee there.
De F. Look but into your conscience, read me there; ’T is a true book, you ’ll find me there your equal. 135 Pish! fly not to your birth, but settle you In what the act has made you; you ’re no more now. You must forget your parentage to me; You ’re the deed’s creature; by that name You lost your first condition, and I challenge you, 140 As peace and innocency has turn’d you out, And made you one with me.
Beat. With thee, foul villain!
De F. Yes, my fair murd’ress. Do you urge me, Though thou writ’st maid, thou whore in thy affection? ’T was chang’d from thy first love, and that ’s a kind 145 Of whoredom in thy heart; and he ’s chang’d now To bring thy second on, thy Alsemero, Whom, by all sweets that ever darkness tasted, If I enjoy thee not, thou ne’er enjoy’st! I ’ll blast the hopes and joys of marriage, 150 I ’ll confess all; my life I rate at nothing.
Beat. De Flores!
De F. I shall rest from all love’s[3969] plagues then; I live in pain now; that shooting eye Will burn my heart to cinders.
Beat. O sir, hear me!
De F. She that in life and love refuses me, 155 In death and shame my partner she shall be.
Beat. [kneeling.] Stay, hear me once for all; I make thee master Of all the wealth I have in gold and jewels; Let me go poor unto my bed with honour, And I am rich in all things!
De F. Let this silence thee: The wealth of all Valencia shall not buy 161 My pleasure from me; Can you weep Fate from its determin’d purpose? So soon may you weep me.
Beat. Vengeance begins; Murder, I see, is followed by more sins. 165 Was my creation in the womb so curst, It must engender with a viper first?
De F. [raising her.] Come, rise and shroud your blushes in my bosom; Silence is one of pleasure’s best receipts: 169 Thy peace is wrought for ever in this yielding. ’Las! how the turtle pants! Thou ’lt love anon What thou so fear’st and faint’st to venture on. Exeunt.
Act IV
[DUMB SHOW.]
Enter Gentlemen, VERMANDERO meeting them with action of wonderment at the flight of PIRACQUO. Enter ALSEMERO with JASPERINO and gallants: VERMANDERO points to him, the gentlemen seeming to applaud the choice. ALSEMERO, JASPERINO, and GENTLEMEN; BEATRICE the bride following in great state, accompanied with DIAPHANTA, ISABELLA, and other gentlewomen: DE FLORES after all, smiling at the accident: ALONZO’S ghost appears to DE FLORES in the midst of his smile, startles him, showing him the hand whose finger he had cut off. They pass over in great solemnity.[3970]
[SCENE I.][3971]
Enter BEATRICE.
Beat. This fellow has undone me endlessly; Never was bride so fearfully distrest. The more I think upon th’ ensuing night, And whom I am to cope with in embraces, One [who ’s][3972] ennobled both in blood and mind, So clear in understanding,—that’s my plague now— 6 Before whose judgment will my fault appear Like malefactors’ crimes before tribunals. There is no hiding on ’t, the more I dive Into my own distress. How a wise man 10 Stands for[3973] a great calamity! There’s no venturing Into his bed, what course soe’er I light upon, Without my shame, which may grow up to danger. He cannot but in justice strangle me As I lie by him; as a cheater use me; 15 ’T is a precious craft to play with a false die Before a cunning gamester. Here ’s his closet; The key left in ’t, and he abroad i’ th’ park! Sure ’t was forgot; I ’ll be so bold as look in ’t. [Opens closet.] Bless me! a right physician’s closet ’t is, 20 Set round with vials; every one her mark too. Sure he does practise physic for his own use, Which may be safely call’d your great man’s wisdom. What manuscript lies here? “The Book of Experiment, Call’d Secrets in Nature.” So ’tis: ’t is so. 25 [Reads.] “How to know whether a woman be with child or no.” I hope I am not yet; if he should try though! Let me see [reads] “folio forty-five,” here ’t is, The leaf tuckt down upon ’t, the place suspicious. 29 [Reads.] “If you would know whether a woman be with child or not, give her two spoonfuls of the white water in glass C——” Where ’s that glass C? O yonder, I see ’t now— [Reads.] “and if she be with child, she sleeps full twelve hours after; if not, not:” 35 None of that water comes into my belly; I ’ll know you from a hundred; I could break you now, Or turn you into milk, and so beguile The master of the mystery; but I ’ll look to you. Ha! that which is next is ten times worse: 40 [Reads.] “How to know whether a woman be a maid or not:” If that should be appli’d, what would become of me? Belike he has a strong faith of my purity, That never yet made proof; but this he calls 45 [Reads.] “A merry slight,[3974] but true experiment; the author Antonius Mizaldus. Give the party you suspect the quantity of a spoonful of the water in the glass M, which, upon her that is a maid, makes three several effects; ’t will (50) make her incontinently[3975] gape, then fall into a sudden sneezing, last into a violent laughing; else, dull, heavy, and lumpish.” Where had I been? I fear it, yet ’t is seven hours to bed-time. 55
Enter DIAPHANTA.
Dia. Cuds,[3976] madam, are you here?
Beat. Seeing that wench now, A trick comes in my mind; ’t is a nice piece Gold cannot purchase. [Aside.]—I come hither, wench, To look my lord.
Dia. Would I had such a cause To look him too!—Why, he ’s i’ th’ park, madam. 60
Beat. There let him be.
Dia. Ay, madam, let him compass Whole parks and forests, as great rangers do, At roosting-time a little lodge can hold ’em. Earth-conquering Alexander, that thought the world Too narrow for him, in th’ end had but his pit-hole. 65
Beat. I fear thou art not modest, Diaphanta.
Dia. Your thoughts are so unwilling to be known, madam. ’T is ever the bride’s fashion, towards bed-time, To set light by her joys, as if she ow’d ’em not.
Beat. Her joys? Her fears thou wouldst say.
Dia. Fear of what? 70
Beat. Art thou a maid, and talk’st so to a maid? You leave a blushing business behind; Beshrew your heart for ’t!
Dia. Do you mean good sooth, madam?
Beat. Well, if I ’d thought upon the fear at first, Man should have been unknown.
Dia. Is ’t possible? 75
Beat. I ’d give a thousand ducats to that woman Would try what my fear were, and tell me true To-morrow, when she gets from ’t; as she likes, I might perhaps be drawn to ’t.
Dia. Are you in earnest?
Beat. Do you get the woman, then challenge me, 80 And see if I ’ll fly from ’t; but I must tell you This by the way, she must be a true maid, Else there ’s no trial, my fears are not her’s else.
Dia. Nay, she that I would put into your hands, madam, Shall be a maid.
Beat. You know I should be sham’d else, 85 Because she lies for me.
Dia. ’T is a strange humour![3977] But are you serious still? Would you resign Your first night’s pleasure, and give money too?
Beat. As willingly as live.—[Aside.] Alas, the gold Is but a by-bet to wedge in the honour! 90
Dia. I do not know how the world goes abroad For faith or honesty; there ’s both requir’d in this. Madam, what say you to me, and stray no further? I ’ve a good mind, in troth, to earn your money.
Beat. You are too quick, I fear, to be a maid. 95
Dia. How? Not a maid? Nay, then you urge me, madam; Your honourable self is not a truer, With all your fears upon you——
Beat. [Aside.] Bad enough then.
Dia. Than I with all my lightsome joys about me.
Beat. I ’m glad to hear ’t. Then you dare put your honesty[3978] 100 Upon an easy trial.
Dia. Easy? Anything.
Beat. I ’ll come to you straight. [Goes to the closet.]
Dia. She will not search me, will she, Like the forewoman of a female jury?[3979]
Beat. Glass M: ay, this is it. [Brings vial.] Look, Diaphanta, You take no worse than I do. [Drinks.]
Dia. And in so doing, 105 I will not question what it is, but take it. [Drinks.]
Beat. [Aside.] Now if th’ experiment be true, ’t will praise itself, And give me noble ease: begins already; [DIAPHANTA gapes.] There ’s the first symptom; and what haste it makes To fall into the second, there by this time! 110 [DIAPHANTA sneezes.] Most admirable secret! on the contrary, It stirs not me a whit, which most concerns it.
Dia. Ha, ha, ha!
Beat. [Aside.] Just in all things, and in order As if ’t were circumscrib’d; one accident[3980] 115 Gives way unto another.
Dia. Ha, ha, ha!
Beat. How now, wench?
Dia. Ha, ha, ha! I ’m so, so light At heart—ha, ha, ha!—so pleasurable! But one swig more, sweet madam.
Beat. Ay, to-morrow, 120 We shall have time to sit by ’t.
Dia. Now I ’m sad again.
Beat. [Aside.] It lays itself so gently too!—Come, wench. Most honest Diaphanta I dare call thee now.
Dia. Pray, tell me, madam, what trick call you this?
Beat. I ’ll tell thee all hereafter; we must study 125 The carriage of this business.
Dia. I shall carry ’t well, Because I love the burthen.
Beat. About midnight You must not fail to steal forth gently, That I may use the place.
Dia. O, fear not, madam, I shall be cool by that time. The bride’s place, And with a thousand ducats! I ’m for a justice now, 131 I bring a portion with me; I scorn small fools. Exeunt.
[SCENE II.][3981]
Enter VERMANDERO and Servant.
Ver. I tell thee, knave, mine honour is in question, A thing till now free from suspicion, Nor ever was there cause. Who of my gentlemen Are absent? Tell me, and truly, how many, and who?
Ser. Antonio, sir, and Franciscus. 5
Ver. When did they leave the castle?
Ser. Some ten days, since, sir; the one intending to Briamata, th’ other for Valencia.
Ver. The time accuses ’em; a charge of murder Is brought within my castle-gate, Piracquo’s murder; 10 I dare not answer faithfully their absence. A strict command of apprehension Shall pursue ’em suddenly, and either wipe The stain off clear, or openly discover it. Provide me winged warrants for the purpose. Exit Servant. 15 See, I am set on again.
Enter TOMASO.
Tom. I claim a brother of you.
Ver. You ’re too hot; Seek him not here.
Tom. Yes, ’mongst your dearest bloods, If my peace find no fairer satisfaction. This is the place must yield account for him, For here I left him; and the hasty tie 21 Of this snatcht marriage gives strong testimony Of his most certain ruin.
Ver. Certain falsehood! This is the place indeed; his breach of faith Has too much marr’d both my abused love, 25 The honourable love I reserv’d for him, And mockt my daughter’s joy; the prepar’d morning Blusht at his infidelity; he left Contempt and scorn to throw upon those friends Whose belief hurt ’em. O, ’t was most ignoble To take his flight so unexpectedly, 31 And throw such public wrongs on those that lov’d him!
Tom. Then this is all your answer?
Ver. ’T is too fair For one of his alliance; and I warn you That this place no more see you. Exit.
Enter DE FLORES.
Tom. The best is, 36 There is more ground to meet a man’s revenge on.— Honest De Flores?
De F. That ’s my name indeed. Saw you the bride? Good sweet sir, which way took she?
Tom. I ’ve blest mine eyes from seeing such a false one. 40
De F. [Aside.] I ’d fain get off, this man’s not for my company; I smell his brother’s blood when I come near him.
Tom. Come hither, kind and true one; I remember My brother lov’d thee well.
Dr F. O, purely, dear sir!— [Aside.] Methinks I ’m now again a-killing on him, 45 He brings it so fresh to me.
Tom. Thou canst guess, sirrah— [An][3982] honest friend has an instinct of jealousy— At some foul guilty person.
De F. Alas! sir, I am so charitable, I think none Worse than myself! You did not see the bride then? 50
Tom. I prithee, name her not: is she not wicked?
De F. No, no; a pretty, easy, round-packt sinner, As your most ladies are, else you might think I flatter’d her; but, sir, at no hand wicked, Till they ’re so old their chins and noses[3983] meet, And they salute witches. I ’m call’d, I think, sir.— 56 [Aside.] His company ev’n overlays my conscience. Exit.
Tom. That De Flores has a wondrous honest heart! He ’ll bring it out in time, I ’m assur’d on ’t. O, here ’s the glorious master of the day’s joy! ’T[3984] will not be long till he and I do reckon.— 61 Enter ALSEMERO. Sir.
Als. You ’re most welcome.
Tom. You may call that word back; I do not think I am, nor wish to be.
Als. ’T is strange you found the way to this house, then.
Tom. Would I ’d ne’er known the cause! I ’m none of those, sir, 65 That come to give you joy, and swill your wine; ’T is a more precious liquor that must lay The fiery thirst I bring.
Als. Your words and you Appear to me great strangers.
Tom. Time and our swords May make us more acquainted. This the business: 70 I should have had a brother in your place; How treachery and malice have dispos’d of him, I ’m bound to inquire of him which holds his right, Which never could come fairly.
Als. You must look To answer for that word, sir.
Tom. Fear you not, 75 I ’ll have it ready drawn at our next meeting. Keep your day solemn;[3985] farewell, I disturb it not; I ’ll bear the smart with patience for a time. Exit.
Als. ’T is somewhat ominous this; a quarrel ent’red Upon this day; my innocence relieves me, 80 Enter JASPERINO. I should be wondrous sad else.—Jasperino, I ’ve news to tell thee, strange news.
Jasp. I ha’ some too, I think as strange as yours. Would I might keep Mine, so my faith and friendship might be kept in ’t! Faith, sir, dispense a little with my zeal, 85 And let it cool in this.
Als. This puts me on, And blames thee for thy slowness.
Jas. All may prove nothing, Only a friendly fear that leapt from me, sir.
Als. No question, ’t may prove nothing; let ’s partake it though.
Jas. ’T was Diaphanta’s chance—for to that wench 90 I pretend[3986] honest love, and she deserves it— To leave me in a back part of the house, A place we chose for private conference. She was no sooner gone, but instantly I heard your bride’s voice in the next room to me; 95 And lending more attention, found De Flores Louder than she.
Als. De Flores! Thou art out now.
Jas. You ’ll tell me more anon.
Als. Still I ’ll prevent[3987] thee, The very sight of him is poison to her.
Jas. That made me stagger too; but Diaphanta 100 At her return confirm’d it.
Als. Diaphanta!
Jas. Then fell we both to listen, and words past Like those that challenge interest in a woman.
Als. Peace: quench thy zeal, ’t is dangerous to thy bosom.
Jas. Then truth is full of peril.
Als. Such truths are. O, were she the sole glory of the earth, 106 Had eyes that could shoot fire into king’s breasts, And toucht,[3988] she sleeps not here! Yet I have time, Though night be near, to be resolv’d hereof; And, prithee, do not weigh me by my passions.
Jas. I never weigh’d friend so.
Als. Done charitably! 111 That key will lead thee to a pretty secret, [Giving key.] By a Chaldean taught me, and I have My study upon some. Bring from my closet A glass inscrib’d there with the letter M, 115 And question not my purpose.
Jas. It shall be done, sir. Exit.
Als. How can this hang together? Not an hour since Her woman came pleading her lady’s fears, Deliver’d her for the most timorous virgin That ever shrunk at man’s name, and so modest, 120 She charg’d her weep out her request to me, That she might come obscurely to my bosom.
Enter BEATRICE.
Beat. [Aside.] All things go well; my woman ’s preparing yonder For her sweet voyage, which grieves me to lose; Necessity compels it; I lose all, else. 125
Als. [Aside.] Pish! modesty’s shrine is set in yonder forehead: I cannot be too sure though.—My Joanna!
Beat. Sir, I was bold to weep a message to you; Pardon my modest fears.
Als. The dove ’s not meeker; [Aside.] She ’s abus’d, questionless. Re-enter JASPERINO [with vial]. O, are you come, sir?
Beat. [Aside.] The glass, upon my life! I see the letter. 131
Jas. Sir, this is M. [Giving vial.]
Als. ’T is it.
Beat. [Aside.] I am suspected.
Als. How fitly our bride comes to partake with us!
Beat. What is ’t, my lord?
Als. No hurt.
Beat. Sir, pardon me, I seldom taste of any composition. 135
Als. But this, upon my warrant, you shall venture on.
Beat. I fear ’t will make me ill.
Als. Heaven forbid that.
Beat. [Aside.] I ’m put now to my cunning: th’ effects I know, If I can now but feign ’em handsomely. [Drinks.]
Als. It has that secret virtue, it ne’er mist, sir, 140 Upon a virgin.
Jas. Treble-qualitied? [BEATRICE gapes and sneezes.]
Als. By all that ’s virtuous it takes there! proceeds!
Jas. This is the strangest trick to know a maid by.
Beat. Ha, ha, ha! You have given me joy of heart to drink, my lord. 145
Als. No, thou hast given me such joy of heart, That never can be blasted.
Beat. What ’s the matter, sir?
Als. [Aside.] See now ’t is settled in a melancholy; Keeps both the time and method.—My Joanna, Chaste as the breath of Heaven, or morning’s womb, 150 That brings the day forth! thus my love encloses thee. Exeunt.
[SCENE III.][3989]
Enter ISABELLA and LOLLIO.
Isa. O Heaven! is this the [waning][3990] moon? Does love turn fool, run mad, and all at once? Sirrah, here ’s a madman, akin to the fool too, A lunatic lover.
Lol. No, no, not he I brought the letter from? 5
Isa. Compare his inside with his out, and tell me.
Lol. The out ’s mad, I’m sure of that; I had a taste on ’t. [Reads letter.] “To the bright Andromeda, chief chambermaid to the Knight of the Sun, at the sign of Scorpio, in the (10) middle region, sent by the bellows-mender of Aeolus. Pay the post.” This is stark madness!
Isa. Now mark the inside. [Takes the letter and reads.] “Sweet lady, having now cast off this counterfeit cover of a madman, I appear (15) to your best judgment a true and faithful lover of your beauty.”
Lol. He is mad still.
Isa. [reads.] “If any fault you find, chide those perfections in you which have made (20) me imperfect; ’t is the same sun that causeth to grow and enforceth to wither——”
Lol. O rogue!
Isa. [reads.] “Shapes and transhapes, destroys and builds again. I come in winter to (25) you, dismantled of my proper ornaments; by the sweet splendour of your cheerful smiles, I spring and live a lover.”
Lol. Mad rascal still!
Isa. [reads.] “Tread him not under foot, (30) that shall appear an honour to your bounties. I remain—mad till I speak with you, from whom I expect my cure, yours all, or one beside himself, FRANCISCUS.”
Lol. You are like to have a fine time on ’t. (35) My master and I may give over our professions; I do not think but you can cure fools and madmen faster than we, with little pains too.
Isa. Very likely.
Lol. One thing I must tell you, mistress: (40) you perceive that I am privy to your skill; if I find you minister once, and set up the trade, I put in for my thirds; I shall be mad or fool else.
Isa. The first place is thine, believe it, Lollio, If I do fall.
Lol. I fall upon you.
Isa. So. 45
Lol. Well, I stand to my venture.
Isa. But thy counsel now; how shall I deal with ’em?
Lol. [Why,] do you mean to deal with ’em?
Isa. Nay, the fair understanding,[3991] how to use ’em. 50
Lol. Abuse[3992] ’em! That’s the way to mad the fool, and make a fool of the madman, and then you use ’em kindly.
Isa. ’T is easy, I ’ll practise; do thou observe it. The key of thy wardrobe. 55
Lol. There [gives key]; fit yourself for ’em, and I ’ll fit ’em both for you.
Isa. Take thou no further notice than the outside. Exit.
Lol. Not an inch; I ’ll put you to the inside.
Enter ALIBIUS.
Alib. Lollio, art there? Will all be perfect, think’st thou? 60 To-morrow night, as if to close up the Solemnity, Vermandero expects us.
Lol. I mistrust the madmen most; the fools will do well enough; I have taken pains with them. 65
Alib. Tush! they cannot miss; the more absurdity, The more commends it, so[3993] no rough behaviours Affright the ladies; they ’re nice[3994] things, thou know’st.
Lol. You need not fear, sir; so long as we are there with our commanding pizzles, they ’ll be as tame as the ladies themselves. 71
Alib. I ’ll see them once more rehearse before they go.
Lol. I was about it, sir: look you to the madmen’s morris, and let me alone with the other. There is one or two that I mistrust their 76 fooling; I ’ll instruct them, and then they shall rehearse the whole measure.
Alib. Do so; I ’ll see the music prepar’d: but, Lollio, By the way, how does my wife brook her restraint? 80 Does she not grudge at it?
Lol. So, so; she takes some pleasure in the house, she would abroad else. You must allow her a little more length, she ’s kept too short.
Alib. She shall along to Vermandero’s with us, 85 That will serve her for a month’s liberty.
Lol. What ’s that, on your face, sir?
Alib. Where, Lollio? I see nothing.
Lol. Cry you mercy,[3995] sir, ’t is your nose; it show’d like the trunk of a young elephant.[3996] 90
Alib. Away, rascal! I ’ll prepare the music, Lollio. Exit.
Lol. Do, sir, and I ’ll dance the whilst.— Tony, where art thou, Tony?
Enter ANTONIO.
Ant. Here, cousin; where art thou?
Lol. Come, Tony, the footmanship I taught you. 95
Ant. I had rather ride, cousin.
Lol. Ay, a whip take you! but I ’ll keep you out; vault in: look you, Tony; fa, la, la, la, la. [Dances.]
Ant. Fa, la, la, la, la. [Sings and dances.] 100
Lol. There, an honour.
Ant. Is this an honour, coz?
Lol. Yes, an it please your worship.
Ant. Does honour bend in the hams, coz?
Lol. Marry does it, as low as worship, (105) squireship, nay, yeomanry itself sometimes, from whence it first stiffened: there rise, a caper.
Ant. Caper after an honour, coz?
Lol. Very proper, for honour is but a caper, rises as fast and high, has a knee or two, and (110) falls to th’ ground again. You can remember your figure, Tony?
Ant. Yes, cousin; when I see thy figure, I can remember mine. Exit LOLLIO.
Re-enter ISABELLA, [dressed as a madwoman.]
Isa. Hey, how he[3997] treads the air! Shough, shough, t’ other way! he burns his wings else. (116) Here ’s wax enough below, Icarus, more than will be cancelled these eighteen moons. He ’s down, he ’s down! what a terrible fall he had! Stand up, thou son of Cretan Daedalus, 120 And let us tread the lower labyrinth; I ’ll bring thee to the clue.
Ant. Prithee, coz, let me alone.
Isa. Art thou not drown’d? About thy head I saw a heap of clouds Wrapt like a Turkish turban; on thy back 125 A crookt chameleon-colour’d rainbow hung Like a tiara down unto thy hams. Let me suck out those billows in thy belly; Hark, how they roar and rumble in the straits![3998] Bless thee from the pirates! 130
Ant. Pox upon you, let me alone!
Isa. Why shouldst thou mount so high as Mercury, Unless thou hadst reversion of his place? Stay in the moon with me, Endymion, And we will rule these wild rebellious waves, That would have drown’d my love.
Ant. I ’ll kick thee, if 136 Again thou touch me, thou wild unshapen antic; I am no fool, you bedlam!
Isa. But you are, as sure as I am, mad. Have I put on this habit of a frantic, 140 With love as full of fury, to beguile The nimble eye of watchful jealousy, And am I thus rewarded?
Ant. Ha! dearest beauty!
Isa. No, I have no beauty now, 144 Nor never had but what was in my garments. You a quick-sighted lover! Come not near me: Keep your caparisons, you ’re aptly clad; I came a feigner, to return stark mad. Exit.
Ant. Stay, or I shall change condition, And become as you are. 150
Re-enter LOLLIO.
Lol. Why, Tony, whither now? Why, fool——
Ant. Whose fool, usher of idiots? You coxcomb! I have fool’d too much.
Lol. You were best be mad another while then.
Ant. So I am, stark mad; I have cause enough; 155 And I could throw the full effects on thee, And beat thee like a fury.
Lol. Do not, do not; I shall not forbear the gentleman under the fool, if you do. Alas! I saw through your fox-skin before now! Come, I can give you comfort; my mistress loves (161) you; and there is as arrant a madman i’ th’ house as you are a fool, your rival, whom she loves not. If after the masque we can rid her of him, you earn her love, she says, and the fool shall ride her. 166
Ant. May I believe thee?
Lol. Yes, or you may choose whether you will or no.
Ant. She ’s eas’d of him; I ’ve a good quarrel on ’t.
Lol. Well, keep your old station yet, and be quiet. 170
Ant. Tell her I will deserve her love. [Exit.]
Lol. And you are like to have your desert.
Enter FRANCISCUS.
Fran. [sings.] “Down, down, down, a-down a-down,”—and then with a horse-trick To kick Latona’s forehead, and break her bowstring.
Lol. This is t’ other counterfeit: I ’ll put (175) him out of his humour. [Aside. Takes out a letter and reads.] “Sweet lady, having now cast this counterfeit cover of a madman, I appear to your best judgment a true and faithful lover of your beauty.” This is pretty well for a madman. 180
Fran. Ha! what ’s that?
Lol. [reads.] “Chide those perfections in you which have made me imperfect.”
Fran. I am discover’d to the fool.
Lol. I hope to discover the fool in you ere (185) I have done with you. [Reads.] “Yours all, or one beside himself, FRANCISCUS.” This madman will mend sure.
Fran. What do you read, sirrah?
Lol. Your destiny, sir; you ’ll be hang’d for this trick, and another that I know. 191
Fran. Art thou of counsel with thy mistress?
Lol. Next her apron-strings.
Fran. Give me thy hand.
Lol. Stay, let me put yours in my pocket first. [Putting letter into his pocket.] Your hand is (196) true,[3999] is it not? It will not pick? I partly fear it, because I think it does lie.
Fran. Not in a syllable.
Lol. So if you love my mistress so well as you have handled the matter here, you are like (201) to be cur’d of your madness.
Fran. And none but she can cure it.
Lol. Well, I ’ll give you over then, and she shall cast your water next. 205
Fran. Take for thy pains past. [Gives him money.]
Lol. I shall deserve more, sir, I hope. My mistress loves you, but must have some proof of your love to her.
Fran. There I meet my wishes. 210
Lol. That will not serve, you must meet her enemy and yours.
Fran. He ’s dead already.
Lol. Will you tell me that, and I parted but now with him? 215
Fran. Show me the man.
Lol. Ay, that ’s a right course now; see him before you kill him, in any case; and yet it needs not go so far neither. ’T is but a fool that haunts the house and my mistress in the (220) shape of an idiot; bang but his fool’s coat well-favouredly, and ’t is well.
Fran. Soundly, soundly!
Lol. Only reserve him till the masque be past; and if you find him not now in the dance (225) yourself, I ’ll show you. In, in! my master! [Dancing.]
Fran. He handles him like a feather. Hey! [Exit.]
Enter ALIBIUS.
Alib. Well said: in a readiness, Lollio?
Lol. Yes, sir. 229
Alib. Away then, and guide them in, Lollio: Entreat your mistress to see this sight. Hark, is there not one incurable fool That might be begg’d?[4000] I ’ve friends.
Lol. I have him for you, One that shall deserve it too.
Alib. Good boy, Lollio! The madmen and fools dance. ’T is perfect: well, fit but once these strains, 236 We shall have coin and credit for our pains. Exeunt.
Act V
[SCENE I.][4001]
Enter BEATRICE: a clock strikes one.
Beat. One struck, and yet she lies by ’t! O my fears! This strumpet serves her own ends, ’t is apparent now, Devours the pleasure with a greedy appetite, And never minds my honour or my peace, 5 Makes havoc of my right. But she pays dearly for ’t; No trusting of her life with such a secret That cannot rule her blood to keep her promise; Beside, I ’ve some suspicion of her faith to me, Because I was suspected of my lord, 10 And it must come from her. [Striks two.] Hark! by my horrors, Another clock strikes two!
Enter DE FLORES.
De F. Pist! where are you?
Beat. De Flores?
De F. Ay. is she not come from him yet?
Beat. As I ’m a living soul, not!
De F. Sure the devil Hath sow’d his itch within her. Who would trust 15 A waiting-woman?
Beat. I must trust somebody.
De F. Push! they ’re termagants; Especially when they fall upon their masters And have their ladies’ first fruits; they ’re mad whelps, You cannot stave ’em off from game royal: then 20 You are so rash[4002] and hardy, ask no counsel; And I could have helpt you to a ’pothecary’s daughter Would have fall’n off before eleven, and thank[t] you too.
Beat. O me, not yet! this whore forgets herself.
De F. The rascal fares so well: look, you’re undone; 25 The day-star, by this hand! See Phosphorus[4003] plain yonder.
Beat. Advise me now to fall upon some ruin; There is no counsel safe else.
De F. Peace! I ha ’t now, For we must force a rising, there’s no remedy.
Beat. How? take heed of that. 30
De F. Tush! be you quiet, or else give over all.
Beat. Prithee, I ha’ done then.
De F. This is my reach:[4004] I ’ll set Some part a-fire of Diaphanta’s chamber.
Beat. How? Fire, sir? That may endanger the whole house.
De F. You talk of danger when your fame ’s on fire? 35
Beat. That ’s true; do what thou wilt now.
De F. Push! I aim At a most rich success strikes all dead sure. The chimney being a-fire, and some light parcels Of the least danger in her chamber only, If Diaphanta should be met by chance then 40 Far from her lodging, which is now suspicious, It would be thought her fears and affrights then Drove her to seek for succour; if not seen Or met at all, as that ’s the likeliest, For her own shame she ’ll hasten towards her lodging; 45 I will be ready with a piece[4005] high-charg’d, As ’t were to cleanse the chimney, there ’t is proper now But she shall be the mark.
Beat. I ’m forc’d to love thee now, ’Cause thou provid’st so carefully for my honour.
De F. ’Slid, it concerns the safety of us both, 50 Our pleasure and continuance.
Beat. One word now, Prithee; how for the servants?
De F. I ’ll despatch them, Some one way, some another in the hurry, For buckets, hooks, ladders; fear not you, The deed shall find its time; and I ’ve thought since 55 Upon a safe conveyance for the body too: How this fire purifies wit! Watch you your minute.
Beat. Fear keeps my soul upon ’t, I cannot stray from ’t.
Enter ALONZO’S Ghost.
De F. Ha! what art thou that tak’st away the light Betwixt that star and me? I dread thee not.— 60 ’T was but a mist of conscience; all ’s clear again. Exit.
Beat. Who ’s that, De Flores? Bless me, it slides by! [Exit Ghost.] Some ill thing haunts the house; ’t has left behind it A shivering sweat upon me; I ’m afraid now. This night hath been so tedious! O this strumpet! 65 Had she a thousand lives, he should not leave her Till he had destroy’d the last. List! O my terrors! Struck three o’clock. Three struck by St. Sebastian’s!
Within. Fire, fire, fire!
Beat. Already? How rare is that man’s speed! 70 How heartily he serves me! his face loathes one; But look upon his care, who would not love him? The east is not more beauteous than his service.
Within. Fire, fire, fire!
Re-enter DE FLORES: Servants pass over: bell rings.
De F. Away, despatch! hooks, buckets, ladders! that ’s well said.[4006] 75 The fire-bell rings; the chimney works, my charge; The piece is ready. Exit.
Beat. Here ’s a man worth loving! Enter DIAPHANTA. O you’re a jewel!
Dia. Pardon frailty, madam; In troth, I was so well. I ev’n forgot myself.
Beat. You ’ve made trim work!
Dia. What?
Beat. Hie quickly to your chamber; 80 Your reward follows you.
Dia. I never made So sweet a bargain. Exit.
Enter ALSEMERO.
Als. O my dear Joanna, Alas! art thou risen too? I was coming, My absolute treasure!
Beat. When I mist you, I could not choose but follow.
Als. Thou ’rt all sweetness: 85 The fire is not so dangerous.
Beat. Think you so, sir?
Als. I prithee, tremble not; believe me, ’t is not.
Enter VERMANDERO and JASPERINO.
Ver. O bless my house and me!
Als. My lord your father.
Re-enter DE FLORES with a gun.
Ver. Knave, whither goes that piece?
De F. To scour the chimney. Exit.
Ver. O, well said, well said! 90 That fellow ’s good on all occasions.
Beat. A wondrous necessary man, my lord.
Ver. He hath a ready wit; he ’s worth ’em all, sir; Dog at a house of fire; I ha’ seen him singed ere now.— The piece goes off. Ha, there he goes!
Beat. ’T is done!
Als. Come, sweet, to bed now; 95 Alas! thou wilt get cold.
Beat. Alas! the fear keeps that out! My heart will find no quiet till I hear How Diaphanta, my poor woman, fares; It is her chamber, sir, her lodging chamber.
Ver. How should the fire come there? 100
Beat. As good a soul as ever lady countenanc’d, But in her chamber negligent and heavy: She scapt a mine twice.
Ver. Twice?
Beat. Strangely twice, sir.
Ver. Those sleepy sluts are dangerous in a house, An they be ne’er so good.
Re-enter DE FLORES.
De F. O poor virginity, 105 Thou hast paid dearly for ’t!
Ver. Bless us, what ’s that?
De F. A thing you all knew once, Diaphanta’s burnt.
Beat. My woman! O my woman!
De F. Now the flames Are greedy of her; burnt, burnt, burnt to death, sir!
Beat. O my presaging soul!
Als. Not a tear more! 110 I charge you by the last embrace I gave you In bed, before this rais’d us.
Beat. Now you tie me; Were it my sister, now she gets no more.
Enter Servant.
Ver. How now?
Ser. All danger ’s past; you may now take 115 Your rests, my lords; the fire is throughly quencht. Ah, poor gentlewoman, how soon was she stifled!
Beat. De Flores, what is left of her inter, And we as mourners all will follow her. I will entreat that honour to my servant 120 Ev’n of my lord himself.
Als. Command it, sweetness.
Beat. Which of you spied the fire first?
De F. ’T was I, madam.
Beat. And took such pains in ’t too? A double goodness! ’T were well he were rewarded.
Ver. He shall be.— De Flores, call upon me.
Als. And upon me, sir. 125 Exeunt [all except DE FLORES].
De F. Rewarded? Precious! here ’s a trick beyond me. I see in all bouts, both of sport and wit, Always a woman strives for the last hit. Exit.
[SCENE II.][4007]
Enter TOMASO.
Tom. I cannot taste the benefits of life With the same relish I was wont to do. Man I grow weary of, and hold his fellowship A treacherous bloody friendship; and because 4 I ’m ignorant in whom my wrath should settle, I must think all men villains, and the next I meet, whoe’er he be, the murderer Of my most worthy brother. Ha! what ’s he? DE FLORES passes over the stage. O, the fellow that some call honest De Flores; But methinks honesty was hard bested 10 To come there for a lodging; as if a queen Should make her palace of a pest-house. I find a contrariety in nature Betwixt that face and me; the least occasion Would give me game upon him; yet he ’s so foul 15 One would scarce touch [him] with a sword he lov’d And made account of; so most deadly venomous, He would go near to poison any weapon That should draw blood on him; one must resolve Never to use that sword again in fight 20 In way of honest manhood that strikes him; Some river must devour it; ’t were not fit That any man should find it. What, again? Re-enter DE FLORES. He walks a’ purpose by, sure, to choke me up, T’ infect my blood.
De F. My worthy noble lord! 25
Tom. Dost offer to come near and breathe upon me? [Strikes him.]
De F. A blow! [Draws.]
Tom. Yea, are you so prepar’d? I ’ll rather like a soldier die by th’ sword, Than like a politician by thy poison. [Draws.]
De F. Hold, my lord, as you are honourable!
Tom. All slaves that kill by poison are still cowards. 31
De F. [Aside.] I cannot strike; I see his brother’s wounds Fresh bleeding in his eye, as in a crystal.— I will not question this, I know you ’re noble; I take my injury with thanks given, sir, 35 Like a wise lawyer, and as a favour Will wear it for the worthy hand that gave it.— [Aside.] Why this from him that yesterday appear’d So strangely loving to me? O, but instinct is of a subtler strain! 40 Guilt must not walk so near his lodge again; He came near me now. Exit.
Tom. All league with mankind I renounce for ever, Till I find this murderer; not so much As common courtesy but I ’ll lock up; 45 For in the state of ignorance I live in, A brother may salute his brother’s murderer, And wish good speed to th’ villain in a greeting.
Enter VERMANDERO, ALIBIUS, and ISABELLA.
Ver. Noble Piracquo!
Tom. Pray, keep on your way, sir; I ’ve nothing to say to you.
Ver. Comforts bless you, sir; 50
Tom. I ’ve forsworn compliment, in troth I have, sir; As you are merely man, I have not left A good wish for you, nor for any here.
Ver. Unless you be so far in love with grief, You will not part from ’t upon any terms, 55 We bring that news will make a welcome for us.
Tom. What news can that be?
Ver. Throw no scornful smile Upon the zeal I bring you, ’t is worth more, sir. Two of the chiefest men I kept about me 59 I hide not from the law of your just vengeance.
Tom. Ha!
Ver. To give your peace more ample satisfaction, Thank these discoverers.
Tom. If you bring that calm, Name but the manner I shall ask forgiveness in For that contemptuous smile [I threw][4008] upon you; I ’ll perfect it with reverence that belongs 66 Unto a sacred altar. [Kneels.]
Ver. [raising him.] Good sir, rise; Why, now you overdo as much a’ this hand As you fell short a’ t’ other.—Speak, Alibius.
Alib. ’T was my wife’s fortune, as she is most lucky 70 At a discovery, to find out lately, Within our hospital of fools and madmen, Two counterfeits slipt into these disguises, Their names Franciscus and Antonio.
Ver. Both mine, sir, and I ask no favour for ’em. 75
Alib. Now that which draws suspicion to their habits, The time of their disguisings agrees justly With the day of the murder.
Tom. O blest revelation!
Ver. Nay, more, nay, more, sir—I ’ll not spare mine own 79 In way of justice—they both feign’d a journey To Briamata, and so wrought out[4009] their leaves; My love was so abus’d[4010] in ’t.
Tom. Time ’s too precious To run in waste now; you have brought a peace The riches of five kingdoms could not purchase. Be my most happy conduct; I thirst for ’em: 85 Like subtle lightning will I wind about ’em, And melt their marrow in ’em. Exeunt.
[SCENE III.][4011]
Enter ALSEMERO and JASPERINO.
Jas. Your confidence, I ’m sure, is now of proof; The prospect from the garden has show’d Enough for deep suspicion.
Als. The black mask That so continually was worn upon ’t Condemns the face for ugly ere ’t be seen, 5 Her despite to him, and so seeming bottomless.
Jas. Touch it home then; ’t is not a shallow probe Can search this ulcer soundly; I fear you ’ll find it Full of corruption. ’T is fit I leave you, She meets you opportunely from that walk; 10 She took the back door at his parting with her. Exit.
Als. Did my fate wait for this unhappy stroke At my first sight of woman? She is here.
Enter BEATRICE.
Beat. Alsemero!
Als. How do you?
Beat. How do I? Alas, sir! how do you? You look not well. 15
Als. You read me well enough; I am not well.
Beat. Not well, sir? Is ’t in my power to better you?
Als. Yes.
Beat. Nay, then you ’re cur’d again.
Als. Pray, resolve[4012] me one question, lady. 20
Beat. If I can.
Als. None can so sure: are you honest?
Beat. Ha, ha, ha! that ’s a broad question, my lord.
Als. But that ’s not a modest answer, my lady. Do you laugh? My doubts are strong upon me.
Beat. ’T is innocence that smiles, and no rough brow 26 Can take away the dimple in her cheek. Say I should strain a tear to fill the vault, Which would you give the better faith to?
Als. ’T were but hypocrisy of a sadder colour, But the same stuff; neither your smiles nor tears 31 Shall move or flatter me from my belief: You are a whore!
Beat. What a horrid sound it hath! It blasts a beauty to deformity; Upon what face soever that breath falls, 35 It strikes it ugly. O, you have ruin’d What you can ne’er repair again?
Als. I ’ll all Demolish, and seek out truth within you, If there be any left; let your sweet tongue Prevent your heart’s rifling; there I ’ll ransack And tear out my suspicion.
Beat. You may, sir; 41 It is an easy passage; yet, if you please, Show me the ground whereon you lost your love; My spotless virtue may but tread on that Before I perish.
Als. Unanswerable; 45 A ground you cannot stand on; you fall down Beneath all grace and goodness when you set Your ticklish heel on ’t. There was a visor Over that cunning face, and that became you; Now Impudence in triumph rides upon ’t. 50 How comes this tender reconcilement else ’Twixt you and your despite, your rancorous loathing, De Flores? he that your eye was sore at sight of, He ’s now become your arm’s supporter, your Lip’s saint!
Beat. Is there the cause?
Als. Worse, your lust’s devil, 55 Your adultery!
Beat. Would any but yourself say that, ’T would turn him to a villain!
Als. It was witnest By the counsel of your bosom, Diaphanta.
Beat. Is your witness dead then?
Als. ’T is to be fear’d It was the wages of her knowledge; poor soul, She liv’d not long after the discovery. 61
Beat. Then hear a story of not much less horror Than this your false suspicion is beguil’d with; To your bed’s scandal I stand up innocence, Which even the guilt of one black other deed 65 Will stand for proof of; your love has made me A cruel murd’ress.
Als. Ha!
Beat. A bloody one; I have kist poison for it, strokt a serpent: That thing of hate, worthy in my esteem Of no better employment, and him most worthy To be so employ’d, I caus’d to murder 71 That innocent Piracquo, having no Better means than that worst to assure Yourself to me.
Als. O, the place itself e’er since Has crying been for vengeance! The temple, 75 Where blood and beauty first unlawfully Fir’d their devotion and quencht the right one; ’T was in my fears at first, ’t will have it now: O, thou art all deform’d!
Beat. Forget not, sir, 79 It for your sake was done. Shall greater dangers Make the less welcome?
Als. O, thou should’st have gone A thousand leagues about to have avoided This dangerous bridge of blood! Here we are lost.
Beat. Remember, I am true unto your bed.
Als. The bed itself ’s a charnel, the sheets shrouds 85 For murdered carcasses. It must ask pause What I must do in this; meantime you shall Be my prisoner only: enter my closet; Exit BEATRICE [into closet]. I ’ll be your keeper yet. O, in what part Of this sad story shall I first begin? Ha! 90 This same fellow has put me in.—De Flores!
Enter DE FLORES.
De F. Noble Alsemero!
Als. I can tell you News, sir; my wife has her commended to you.
De F. That ’s news indeed, my lord; I think she would Commend me to the gallows if she could, 95 She ever lov’d me so well; I thank her.
Als. What ’s this blood upon your band, De Flores?
De F. Blood! no, sure ’t was washt since.
Als. Since when, man?
De F. Since t’ other day I got a knock In a sword-and-dagger school; I think ’t is out.
Als. Yes, ’t is almost out, but ’t is perceiv’d though. 101 I had forgot my message; this it is, What price goes murder?
De F. How, sir?
Als. I ask you, sir; My wife ’s behindhand with you, she tells me, For a brave bloody blow you gave for her sake Upon Piracquo.
De F. Upon? ’T was quite through him sure: Has she confest it?
Als. As sure as death to both of you; 107 And much more than that.
De F. It could not be much more; ’T was but one thing, and that—she is a whore.
Als. It could not choose but follow. O cunning devils! 110 How should blind men know you from fair-fac’d saints?
Beat. [within.] He lies! the villain does belie me!
De F. Let me go to her, sir.
Als. Nay, you shall to her.— Peace, crying crocodile, your sounds are heard; Take your prey to you;—get you into her, sir: Exit DE FLORES [into closet]. I ’ll be your pander now; rehearse again 116 Your scene of lust, that you may be perfect When you shall come to act it to the black audience, Where howls and gnashings shall be music to you. Clip[4013] your adulteress freely, ’t is the pilot 120 Will guide you to the mare mortuum, Where you shall sink to fathoms bottomless.
Enter VERMANDERO, TOMASO, ALIBIUS, ISABELLA, FRANCISCUS, and ANTONIO.
Ver. O Alsemero! I ’ve a wonder for you.
Als. No, sir, ’t is I, I have a wonder for you.
Ver. I have suspicion near as proof itself 125 For Piracquo’s murder.
Als. Sir, I have proof, Beyond suspicion of Piracquo’s murder.
Ver. Beseech you, hear me; these who have been disguis’d E’er since the deed was done.
Als. I have two other That were more close disguis’d than your two could be 130 E’er since the deed was done.
Ver. You ’ll hear me—these mine own servants——
Als. Hear me—those nearer than your servants That shall acquit them, and prove them guiltless.
Fran. That may be done with easy truth, sir. 135
Tom. How is my cause bandied through your delays! ’T is urgent in [my] blood and calls for haste. Give me a brother [or] alive or dead; Alive, a wife with him; if dead, for both A recompense for murder and adultery. 140
Beat. (within.) O, O, O!
Als. Hark! ’t is coming to you.
De F. (within.) Nay, I ’ll along for company.
Beat. (within.) O, O!
Ver. What horrid sounds are these?
Als. Come forth, you twins Of mischief!
Re-enter DE FLORES, bringing in BEATRICE [wounded].
De F. Here we are: if you have any more To say to us, speak quickly, I shall not 145 Give you the hearing else; I am so stout yet, And so, I think, that broken rib of mankind.
Ver. A host of enemies ent’red my citadel Could not amaze like this: Joanna! Beatrice! Joanna!
Beat. O, come not near me, sir, I shall defile you! 150 I that was of your blood was taken from you, For your better health; look no more upon ’t, But cast it to the ground regardlessly, Let the common sewer take it from distinction. Beneath the stars, upon yon meteor [Pointing to DE FLORES.] 155 Ever hung my fate ’mongst things corruptible; I ne’er could pluck it from him; my loathing Was prophet to the rest, but ne’er believ’d. Mine honour fell with him, and now my life.— Alsemero, I ’m a stranger to your bed; 160 Your bed was coz’ned on the nuptial night,— For which your false bride died.
Als. Diaphanta?
De F. Yes, and the while I coupled with your mate At barley-break; now we are left in hell.[4014]
Ver. We are all there, it circumscribes us here. 165
De F. I lov’d this woman in spite of her heart: Her love I earn’d out of Piracquo’s murder.
Tom. Ha! my brother’s murderer?
De F. Yes, and her honour’s prize Was my reward; I thank life for nothing But that pleasure; it was so sweet to me, 170 That I have drunk up all, left none behind For any man to pledge me.
Ver. Horrid villain! Keep life in him for future tortures.
De F. No! I can prevent you; here ’s my pen-knife still; It is but one thread more [stabbing himself], and now ’t is cut.— 175 Make haste, Joanna, by that token to thee, Canst not forget, so lately put in mind; I would not go to leave thee far behind. Dies.
Beat. Forgive me, Alsemero, all forgive! ’T is time to die when ’t is a shame to live. Dies. 180
Ver. O, my name ’s ent’red now in that record Where till this fatal hour ’t was never read.
Als. Let it be blotted out; let your heart lose it, And it can never look you in the face, Nor tell a tale behind the back of life 185 To your dishonour. Justice hath so right The guilty hit, that innocence is quit By proclamation, and may joy again.— Sir, you are sensible of what truth hath done; ’T is the best comfort that your grief can find.
Tom. Sir, I am satisfied; my injuries 191 Lie dead before me; I can exact no more, Unless my soul were loose, and could o’ertake Those black fugitives that are fled from hence, To take[4015] a second vengeance; but there are wraths 195 Deeper than mine, ’t is to be fear’d, about ’em.
Als. What an opacous body had that moon That last chang’d on us! Here is beauty chang’d To ugly whoredom; here servant-obedience To a master-sin, imperious murder; 200 I, a suppos’d husband, chang’d embraces With wantonness,—but that was paid before.— Your change is come too, from an ignorant wrath To knowing friendship.—Are there any more on ’s? 204
Ant. Yes, sir, I was chang’d too from a little ass as I was to a great fool as I am; and had like to ha’ been chang’d to the gallows, but that you know my innocence[4016] always excuses me.
Fran. I was chang’d from a little wit to be stark mad, 210 Almost for the same purpose.
Isa. Your change is still behind, But deserve best your transformation: You are a jealous coxcomb, keep schools of folly, And teach your scholars how to break your own head.
Alib. I see all apparent, wife, and will change now 215 Into a better husband, and ne’er keep Scholars that shall be wiser than myself.
Als. Sir, you have yet a son’s duty living, Please you, accept it; let that your sorrow, As it goes from your eye, go from your heart. Man and his sorrow at the grave must part. 221
Epilogue
Als. All we can do to comfort one another, To stay a brother’s sorrow for a brother, To dry a child from the kind father’s eyes, Is to no purpose, it rather multiplies: 225 Your only smiles have power to cause relive The dead again, or in their rooms to give Brother a new brother, father a child; If these appear, all griefs are reconcil’d. Exeunt omnes.
A NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS
BY PHILIP MASSINGER
Dramatis Personae
[LORD] LOVELL, an English Lord. SIR GILES OVERREACH, a cruel extortioner. [FRANK] WELLBORN, a Prodigal. [TOM] ALLWORTH, a young Gentleman, Page to Lord Lovell. GREEDY, a hungry Justice of Peace. MARRALL, a Term-Driver; a creature of Sir Giles Overreach. ORDER [Steward], } AMBLE [Usher], } FURNACE [Cook], } Servants to the Lady Allworth. WATCHALL [Porter],} WILLDO, a Parson. TAPWELL, an Alehouse Keeper. Three Creditors, Servants, &c.
The LADY ALLWORTH, a rich Widow. MARGARET, Overreach his daughter. FROTH, Tapwell’s Wife. Chambermaid. Waiting Woman.
[SCENE.—The Country near Nottingham.]
Act I, Scene I — [4017]
[Enter] WELLBORN [in tattered apparel], TAPWELL, and FROTH.
Well. No bouse?[4018] nor no tobacco?
Tap. Not a suck, sir; Nor the remainder of a single can Left by a drunken porter, all night pall’d[4019] too.
Froth. Not the dropping of the tap for your morning’s draught, sir. ’T is verity, I assure you.
Well. Verity, you brach![4020] 5 The devil turn’d precisian![4021] Rogue, what am I?
Tap. Troth, durst I trust you with a looking-glass, To let you see your trim shape, you would quit me And take the name yourself.
Well. How, dog!
Tap. Even so, sir. And I must tell you, if you but advance 10 Your Plymouth cloak[4022] you shall be soon instructed There dwells, and within call, if it please your worship, A potent monarch call’d the constable, That does command a citadel call’d the stocks; Whose guards are certain files of rusty billmen Such as with great dexterity will hale 16 Your tatter’d, lousy——
Well. Rascal! slave!
Froth. No rage, sir.
Tap. At his own peril. Do not put yourself In too much heat, there being no water near To quench your thirst; and sure, for other liquor, 20 As mighty ale, or beer, they are things, I take it, You must no more remember; not in a dream, sir.
Well. Why, thou unthankful villain, dar’st thou talk thus! Is not thy house, and all thou hast, my gift?
Tap. I find it not in chalk; and Timothy Tapwell 25 Does keep no other register.
Well. Am not I he Whose riots fed and cloth’d thee? Wert thou not Born on my father’s land, and proud to be A drudge in his house?
Tap. What I was, sir, it skills[4023] not; 29 What you are, is apparent. Now, for a farewell, Since you talk of father, in my hope it will torment you, I’ll briefly tell your story. Your dead father, My quondam master, was a man of worship, Old Sir John Wellborn, justice of peace and quorum,[4024] And stood fair to be custos rotulorum:[4025] 35 Bore the whole sway of the shire, kept a great house, Reliev’d the poor, and so forth; but he dying, And the twelve hundred a year coming to you, Late Master Francis, but now forlorn Wellborn——
Well. Slave, stop! or I shall lose myself.
Froth. Very hardly; 40 You cannot out of your way.
Tap. But to my story: You were then a lord of acres, the prime gallant, And I your under-butler. Note the change now: You had a merry time of’t; hawks and hounds; With choice of running horses; mistresses 45 Of all sorts and all sizes, yet so hot, As their embraces made your lordship melt; Which your uncle, Sir Giles Overreach, observing, (Resolving not to lose a drop of ’em,) On foolish mortgages, statutes, and bonds, 50 For a while suppli’d your looseness, and then left you.
Well. Some curate hath penn’d this invective, mongrel, And you have studied it.
Tap. I have not done yet. Your land gone, and your credit not worth a token, You grew a common borrower; no man scap’d Your paper-pellets,[4026] from the gentleman 56 To the beggars on highways, that sold you switches In your gallantry.
Well. I shall switch your brains out.
Tap. Where poor Tim Tapwell, with a little stock, Some forty pounds or so, bought a small cottage; 60 Humbled myself to marriage with my Froth here, Gave entertainment——
Well. Yes, to whores and canters,[4027] Clubbers by night.
Tap. True, but they brought in profit, And had a gift to pay for what they call’d for, And stuck not like your mastership. The poor income 65 I glean’d from them hath made me in my parish Thought worthy to be scavenger, and in time May rise to be overseer of the poor; Which if I do, on your petition, Wellborn, May allow you thirteen-pence a quarter, 70 And you shall thank my worship.
Well. Thus, you dog-bolt. And thus—— Beats and kicks him.
Tap. [to his wife.] Cry out for help!
Well. Stir, and thou diest: Your potent prince, the constable, shall not save you. Hear me, ungrateful hell-hound! Did not I Make purses for you? Then you lick’d my boots, 75 And thought your holiday cloak too coarse to clean ’em. ’T was I that, when I heard thee swear if ever Thou couldst arrive at forty pounds thou wouldst Live like an emperor, ’t was I that gave it In ready gold. Deny this, wretch!
Tap. I must, sir; 80 For, from the tavern to the taphouse, all, On forfeiture of their licenses, stand bound Ne’er to remember who their best guests were, If they grew poor like you.
Well. They are well rewarded That beggar themselves to make such cuckolds rich. 85 Thou viper, thankless viper! impudent bawd! But since you have grown forgetful, I will help Your memory, and tread you into mortar, Nor leave one bone unbroken. [Beats him again.]
Tap. Oh!
Froth. Ask mercy.
Enter ALLWORTH.
Well. ’T will not be granted.
All. Hold—for my sake, hold. 90 Deny me, Frank? They are not worth your anger.
Well. For once thou hast redeem’d them from this sceptre;[4028] But let ’em vanish, creeping on their knees, And, if they grumble, I revoke my pardon.
Froth. This comes of your prating, husband; you presum’d 95 On your ambling wit, and must use your glib tongue, Though you are beaten lame for’t.
Tap. Patience, Froth; There’s law to cure our bruises. They go off on their hands and knees.
Well. Sent to your mother?
All. My lady, Frank, my patroness, my all! She ’s such a mourner for my father’s death, And, in her love to him, so favours me, 101 That I cannot pay too much observance to her. There are few such stepdames.
Well. ’T is a noble widow, And keeps her reputation pure, and clear From the least taint of infamy; her life, 105 With the splendour of her actions, leaves no tongue To envy or detraction. Prithee tell me, Has she no suitors?
All. Even the best of the shire, Frank, My lord excepted; such as sue and send, And send and sue again, but to no purpose; 110 Their frequent visits have not gain’d her presence. Yet she’s so far from sullenness and pride, That I dare undertake you shall meet from her A liberal entertainment. I can give you A catalogue of her suitors’ names.
Well. Forbear it, 115 While I give you good counsel: I am bound to it, Thy father was my friend, and that affection I bore to him, in right descends to thee; Thou art a handsome and a hopeful youth, 119 Nor will I have the least affront stick on thee, If I with any danger can prevent it.
All. I thank your noble care; but, pray you, in what Do I run the hazard?
Well. Art thou not in love? Put it not off with wonder.
All. In love, at my years!
Well. You think you walk in clouds, but are transparent. 125 I have heard all, and the choice that you have made, And, with my finger, can point out the north star By which the loadstone of your folly’s guided; And, to confirm this true, what think you of Fair Margaret, the only child and heir 130 Of Cormorant Overreach? Does it blush and start, To hear her only nam’d? Blush at your want Of wit and reason.
All. You are too bitter, sir.
Well. Wounds of this nature are not to be cur’d With balms, but corrosives. I must be plain: 135 Art thou scarce manumis’d[4029] from the porter’s lodge[4030] And yet sworn servant to the pantofle.[4031] And dar’st thou dream of marriage? I fear ’T will be concluded for impossible That there is now, or e’er shall be hereafter, 140 A handsome page or player’s boy of fourteen But either loves a wench, or drabs love him; Court-waiters not exempted.
All. This is madness. Howe’er you have discover’d my intents, You know my aims are lawful; and if ever 145 The queen of flowers, the glory of the spring, The sweetest comfort to our smell, the rose, Sprang from an envious briar, I may infer There ’s such disparity in their conditions 149 Between the goodness of my soul, the daughter, And the base churl of her father.
Well. Grant this true, As I believe it, canst thou ever hope To enjoy a quiet bed with her whose father Ruin’d thy state?
All. And yours too.
Well. I confess it; 154 True; I must tell you as a friend, and freely, That, where impossibilities are apparent, ’T is indiscretion to nourish hopes. Canst thou imagine (let not self-love blind thee) That Sir Giles Overreach, that, to make her great 159 In swelling titles, without touch of conscience Will cut his neighbour’s throat, and I hope his own too, Will e’er consent to make her thine? Give o’er, And think of some course suitable to thy rank, And prosper in it.
All. You have well advis’d me. 164 But in the meantime you that are so studious Of my affairs wholly neglect your own. Remember yourself, and in what plight you are.
Well. No matter, no matter.
All. Yes, ’t is much material. You know my fortune and my means; yet something I can spare from myself to help your wants.
Well. How’s this? 170
All. Nay, be not angry; there ’s eight pieces To put you in better fashion.
Well. Money from thee! From a boy. A stipendiary! One that lives At the devotion of a stepmother And the uncertain favour of a lord! 175 I’ll eat my arms first. Howsoe’er blind Fortune Hath spent the utmost of her malice on me—— Though I am vomited out of an alehouse, And thus accoutred—know not where to eat, Or drink, or sleep, but underneath this canopy—[4032] 180 Although I thank thee, I despise thy offer; And as I in my madness broke my state Without th’ assistance of another’s brain, In my right wits I’ll piece it; at the worst, 184 Die thus and be forgotten.
All. A strange humour! Exeunt.
Act I, Scene II — [4033]
[Enter] ORDER, AMBLE, FURNACE, and WATCHALL.
Ord. Set all things right, or, as my name is Order, And by this staff of office that commands you, This chain and double ruff, symbols of power, Whoever misses in his function, For one whole week makes forfeiture of his breakfast 5 And privilege in the wine-cellar.
Amb. You are merry, Good master steward.
Furn. Let him; I’ll be angry.
Amb. Why, fellow Furnace, ’t is not twelve o’clock yet, Nor dinner taking up; then, ’t is allow’d, Cooks, by their places, may be choleric. 10
Furn. You think you have spoke wisely, goodman Amble, My lady’s go-before!
Ord. Nay, nay, no wrangling.
Furn. Twit me with the authority of the kitchen! At all hours, and all places, I’ll be angry; And thus provok’d, when I am at my prayers 15 I will be angry.
Amb. There was no hurt meant.
Furn. I am friends with thee; and yet I will be angry.
Ord. With whom?
Furn. No matter whom: yet, now I think on it, I am angry with my lady.
Watch. Heaven forbid, man!
Ord. What cause has she given thee?
Furn. Cause enough, master steward. 20 I was entertain’d by her to please her palate, And, till she forswore eating, I perform’d it. Now, since our master, noble Allworth, died, Though I crack my brains to find out tempting sauces, And raise fortifications in the pastry 25 Such as might serve for models in the Low Countries, Which, if they had been practised at Breda, Spinola might have thrown his cap at it, and ne’er took it[4034]——
Amb. But you had wanted matter there to work on.
Furn. Matter! with six eggs, and a strike[4035] of rye meal, 30 I had kept the town till doomsday, perhaps longer.
Ord. But what ’s this to your pet against my lady?
Furn. What ’s this? Marry this: when I am three parts roasted And the fourth part parboil’d to prepare her viands, She keeps her chamber, dines with a panada[4036] 35 Or water-gruel, my sweat never thought on.
Ord. But your art is seen in the dining-room.
Furn. By whom? By such as pretend love to her, but come To feed upon her. Yet, of all the harpies That do devour her, I am out of charity 40 With none so much as the thin-gutted squire That ’s stolen into commission.
Ord. Justice Greedy?
Furn. The same, the same; meat ’s cast away upon him, It never thrives; he holds this paradox, Who eats not well, can ne’er do justice well. 45 His stomach ’s as insatiate as the grave, Or strumpet’s ravenous appetites. Knocking.
Watch. One knocks.
Enter ALLWORTH.
Ord. Our late young master!
Amb. Welcome, sir.
Furn. Your hand; If you have a stomach, a cold bake-meat ’s ready.
Ord. His father’s picture in little.
Furn. We are all your servants. 50
Amb. In you he lives.
All. At once, my thanks to all; This is yet some comfort. Is my lady stirring?
Enter LADY ALLWORTH, Waiting Woman, and Chambermaid.
Ord. Her presence answers for us.
L. All. Sort those silks well. I ’ll take the air alone. Exeunt W. Woman and Chambermaid.
Furn. You air and air; But will you never taste but spoon-meat more? To what use serve I?
L. All. Prithee, be not angry; 56 I shall ere long: i’ the mean time, there is gold To buy thee aprons, and a summer suit.
Furn. I am appeas’d, and Furnace now grows cool.[4037]
L. All. And, as I gave directions, if this morning 60 I am visited by any, entertain ’em As heretofore; but say, in my excuse, I am indispos’d.
Ord. I shall, madam.
L. All. Do, and leave them. Nay, stay you, Allworth. Exeunt ORDER, AMBLE, FURNACE, and WATCHALL.
All. I shall gladly grow here, To wait on your commands.
L. All. So soon turn’d courtier! 65
All. Style not that courtship, madam, which is duty Purchas’d on your part.
L. All. Well, you shall o’ercome; I ’ll not contend in words. How is it with Your noble master?
All. Ever like himself, No scruple lessen’d in the full weight of honour. 70 He did command me, pardon my presumption, As his unworthy deputy, to kiss Your ladyship’s fair hands.
L. All. I am honour’d in His favour to me. Does he hold his purpose For the Low Countries?
All. Constantly, good madam; 75 But he will in person first present his service.
L. All. And how approve you of his course? You are yet Like virgin parchment, capable of any Inscription, vicious or honourable. I will not force your will, but leave you free 80 To your own election.
All. Any form you please I will put on; but, might I make my choice, With humble emulation I would follow The path my lord marks to me.
L. All. ’T is well answer’d, And I commend your spirit. You had a father, Blest be his memory! that some few hours 86 Before the will of Heaven took him from me, Who did commend you, by the dearest ties Of perfect love between us, to my charge; And, therefore, what I speak you are bound to hear 90 With such respect as if he liv’d in me. He was my husband, and howe’er you are not Son of my womb, you may be of my love, Provided you deserve it.
All. I have found you, Most honour’d madam, the best mother to me; And, with my utmost strengths of care and service, 96 Will labour that you never may repent Your bounties shower’d upon me.
L. All. I much hope it. These were your father’s words: “If e’er my son Follow the war, tell him it is a school 100 Where all the principles tending to honour Are taught, if truly followed: but for such As repair thither as a place in which They do presume they may with license practise Their lusts and riots, they shall never merit 105 The noble name of soldiers. To dare boldly In a fair cause, and for their country’s safety To run upon the cannon’s mouth undaunted; To obey their leaders, and shun mutinies; To bear with patience the winter’s cold 110 And summer’s scorching heat, and not to faint, When plenty of provision fails, with hunger; Are the essential parts make up a soldier, Not swearing, dice, or drinking.”
All. There ’s no syllable You speak, but is to me an oracle, 115 Which but to doubt were impious.
L. All. To conclude: Beware ill company, for often men Are like to those with whom they do converse; And, from one man I warn[4038] you, and that ’s Wellborn: Not ’cause he ’s poor, that rather claims your pity; 120 But that he ’s in his manners so debauch’d, And hath to vicious courses sold himself. ’T is true, your father lov’d him, while he was Worthy the loving; but if he had liv’d To have seen him as he is, he had cast him off, As you must do.
All. I shall obey in all things. 126
L. All. Follow me to my chamber, you shall have gold To furnish you like my son, and still supplied, As I hear from you.
All. I am still your creature. Exeunt.
Act I, Scene III — [4039]
[Enter] OVERREACH, GREEDY, ORDER, AMBLE, FURNACE, WATCHALL, and MARRALL.
Greedy. Not to be seen!
Over. Still cloistered up! Her reason, I hope, assures her, though she make herself Close prisoner ever for her husband’s loss, ’T will not recover him.
Ord. Sir, it is her will. Which we, that are her servants, ought to serve it, 5 And not dispute. Howe’er, you are nobly welcome; And, if you please to stay, that you may think so, There came, not six days since, from Hull, a pipe Of rich Canary, which shall spend itself For my lady’s honour.
Greedy. Is it of the right race? 10
Ord. Yes, Master Greedy.
Amb. How his mouth runs o’er!
Furn. I ’ll make it run, and run. Save your good worship!
Greedy. Honest Master Cook, thy hand; again, how I love thee! Are the good dishes still in being? Speak, boy.
Furn. If you have a mind to feed, there is a chine[4040] 15 Of beef, well seasoned.
Greedy. Good!
Furn. A pheasant, larded.
Greedy. That I might now give thanks for ’t!
Furn. Other kickshaws, Besides, there came last night, from the forest of Sherwood, The fattest stag I ever cook’d.
Greedy. A stag, man!
Furn. A stag, sir; part of it prepar’d for dinner, 20 And bak’d in puff-paste.
Greedy. Puff-paste too! Sir Giles, A ponderous chine of beef! a pheasant larded! And red deer too, Sir Giles, and bak’d in puff-paste! All business set aside, let us give thanks here.
Furn. How the lean skeleton ’s rapt!
Over. You know we cannot. 25
Mar. Your worships are to sit on a commission, And if you fail to come, you lose the cause.
Greedy. Cause me no causes. I ’ll prove ’t, for such dinner We may put off a commission: you shall find it Henrici decimo quarto.
Over. Fie, Master Greedy! 30 Will you lose me a thousand pounds for a dinner? No more, for shame! We must forget the belly When we think of profit.
Greedy. Well, you shall o’er-rule me; I could ev’n cry now.—Do you hear, Master Cook, Send but a corner of that immortal pasty, 35 And I, in thankfulness, will, by your boy, Send you—a brace of three-pences.
Furn. Will you be so prodigal?
Enter WELLBORN.
Over. Remember me to your lady. Who have we here?
Well. You know me.
Over. I did once, but now I will not; Thou art no blood of mine. Avaunt, thou beggar! 40 If ever thou presume to own me more, I ’ll have thee cag’d and whipp’d.
Greedy. I ’ll grant the warrant. Think of Pie-corner. Furnace! Exeunt OVERREACH, GREEDY, and MARRALL.
Watch. Will you out, sir? I wonder how you durst creep in.
Ord. This is rudeness, And saucy impudence.
Amb. Cannot you stay 45 To be serv’d, among your fellows, from the basket,[4041] But you must needs press into the hall?
Furn. Prithee, vanish Into some outhouse, though it be the pigstye; My scullion shall come to thee.
Enter ALLWORTH.
Well. This is rare. Oh, here ’s Tom Allworth. Tom!
All. We must be strangers; 50 Nor would I have you seen here for a million. Exit.
Well. Better and better. He contemns me too!
Enter Waiting Woman and Chambermaid.
Woman. Foh, what a smell ’s here! What thing ’s this?
Cham. A creature Made out of the privy; let us hence, for love’s sake. Or I shall swoon.
Woman. I begin to feel faint already. 55
Exeunt W. Woman and Chambermaid.
Watch. Will you know your way;
Amb. Or shall we teach it you, By the head and shoulders?
Well. No; I will not stir; Do you mark, I will not: let me see the wretch That dares attempt to force me. Why, you slaves, Created only to make legs,[4042] and cringe; 60 To carry in a dish, and shift a trencher; That have not souls only to hope a blessing Beyond black-jacks[4043] or flagons; you, that were born Only to consume meat and drink, and batten[4044] Upon reversions!—who advances? Who 65 Shews me the way?
Ord. My lady!
Enter LADY ALLWORTH, Waiting Woman, and Chambermaid.
Cham. Here ’s the monster.
Woman. Sweet madam, keep your glove to your nose.
Cham. Or let me Fetch some perfumes may be predominant; You wrong yourself else.
Well. Madam, my designs Bear me to you.
L. All. To me!
Well. And though I have met with 70 But ragged entertainment from your grooms here, I hope from you to receive that noble usage As may become the true friend of your husband, And then I shall forget these.
L. All. I am amaz’d To see and hear this rudeness. Dar’st thou think, 75 Though sworn, that it can ever find belief, That I, who to the best men of this country Deni’d my presence since my husband’s death, Can fall so low as to change words with thee? Thou son of infamy, forbear my house, 80 And know and keep the distance that ’s between us; Or, though it be against my gentler temper, I shall take order you no more shall be An eyesore to me.
Well. Scorn me not, good lady; But, as in form you are angelical, 85 Imitate the heavenly natures, and vouchsafe At the least awhile to hear me. You will grant The blood that runs in this arm is as noble As that which fills your veins; those costly jewels, And those rich clothes you wear, your men’s observance 90 And women’s flattery, are in you no virtues, Nor these rags, with my poverty, in me vices. You have a fair fame, and, I know, deserve it; Yet, lady, I must say, in nothing more Than in the pious sorrow you have shewn 95 For your late noble husband.
Ord. How she starts!
Furn. And hardly can keep finger from the eye, To hear him nam’d.
L. All. Have you aught else to say?
Well. That husband, madam, was once in his fortune 99 Almost as low as I; want, debts, and quarrels Lay heavy on him: let it not be thought A boast in me, though I say I reliev’d him. ’T was I that gave him fashion; mine the sword That did on all occasions second his; I brought him on and off with honour, lady; 105 And when in all men’s judgments he was sunk, And, in his own hopes, not to be buoy’d[4045] up, I stepp’d unto him, took him by the hand, And set him upright.
Furn. Are not we base rogues, That could forget this?
Well. I confess, you made him 110 Master of your estate; nor could your friends, Though he brought no wealth with him, blame you for ’t; For he had a shape, and to that shape a mind Made up of all parts either great or noble; So winning a behaviour, not to be 115 Resisted, madam.
L. All. ’T is most true, he had.
Well. For his sake, then, in that I was his friend, Do not contemn me.
L. All. For what ’s past excuse me, I will redeem it. Order, give the gentleman A hundred pounds.
Well. No, madam, on no terms: 120 I will nor beg nor borrow sixpence of you, But be suppli’d elsewhere, or want thus ever. Only one suit I make, which you deny not To strangers; and ’t is this. Whispers to her.
L. All. Fie! nothing else?
Well. Nothing, unless you please to charge your servants 125 To throw away a little respect upon me.
L. All. What you demand is yours.
Well. I thank you, lady. Now what can be wrought out of such a suit Is yet in supposition: I have said all; When you please, you may retire.— [Exit LADY ALL.] Nay, all ’s forgotten; [To the Servants.] And, for a lucky omen to my project, 131 Shake hands, and end all quarrels in the cellar.
Ord. Agreed, agreed.
Furn. Still merry Master Wellborn. Exeunt.
Act II, Scene I — [4046]
Enter OVERREACH and MARRALL.
Over. He ’s gone, I warrant thee; this commission crush’d him.
Mar. Your worships have the way on ’t, and ne’er miss To squeeze these unthrifts into air; and yet, The chapfallen[4047] justice did his part, returning For your advantage the certificate, 5 Against his conscience, and his knowledge too, With your good favour, to the utter ruin Of the poor farmer.
Over. ’T was for these good ends I made him a justice; he that bribes his belly, Is certain to command his soul.
Mar. I wonder, 10 Still with your license, why your worship having The power to put his thin-gut in commission, You are not in ’t yourself?
Over. Thou art a fool; In being out of office I am out of danger; Where, if I were a justice, besides the trouble, I might, or out of wilfulness or error, 16 Run myself finely into a premunire,[4048] And so become a prey to the informer. No, I ’ll have none of ’t; ’t is enough I keep Greedy at my devotion; so he serve 20 My purposes, let him hang or damn, I care not; Friendship is but a word.
Mar. You are all wisdom.
Over. I would be worldly wise; for the other wisdom, That does prescribe us a well govern’d life, And to do right to others as ourselves, 25 I value not an atom.
Mar. What course take you, With your good patience, to hedge in the manor Of your neighbour, Master Frugal? as ’t is said He will nor sell, nor borrow, nor exchange; And his land, lying in the midst of your many lordships, 30 Is a foul blemish.
Over. I have thought on ’t, Marrall, And it shall take. I must have all men sellers, And I the only purchaser.
Mar. ’T is most fit, sir.
Over. I ’ll therefore buy some cottage near his manor, Which done, I ’ll make my men break ope his fences, 35 Ride o’er his standing corn, and in the night Set fire on his barns, or break his cattle’s legs. These trespasses draw on suits and suits expenses, Which I can spare, but will soon beggar him. When I have harried him thus two or three year, 40 Though he sue in forma pauperis, in spite Of all his thrift and care, he ’ll grow behindhand.
Mar. The best I ever heard! I could adore you.
Over. Then, with the favour of my man of law, I will pretend some title. Want will force him To put it to arbitrement; then, if he sell 46 For half the value, he shall have ready money, And I possess his land.
Mar. ’T is above wonder! Wellborn was apt to sell, and needed not Those fine arts, sir, to hook him in.
Over. Well thought on. 50 This varlet, Marrall, lives too long, to upbraid me With my close cheat upon him. Will nor cold Nor hunger kill him?
Mar. I know not what to think on ’t. I have us’d all means; and the last night I caus’d 54 His host, the tapster, to turn him out of doors; And have been since with all your friends and tenants, And, on the forfeit of your favour, charg’d them, Though a crust of mouldy bread would keep him from starving, Yet they should not relieve him. This is done, sir.
Over. That was something, Marrall; but thou must go further, 60 And suddenly, Marrall.
Mar. Where, and when you please, sir.
Over. I would have thee seek him out, and, if thou canst, Persuade him that ’t is better steal than beg; Then, if I prove he has but robb’d a henroost, Not all the world shall save him from the gallows. 65 Do any thing to work him to despair; And ’t is thy masterpiece.
Mar. I will do my best, sir.
Over. I am now on my main work with the Lord Lovell, The gallant-minded, popular Lord Lovell, The minion of the people’s love. I hear 70 He ’s come into the country, and my aims are To insinuate myself into his knowledge, And then invite him to my house.
Mar. I have you; This points at my young mistress.
Over. She must part with That humble title, and write honourable, Right honourable, Marrall, my right honourable daughter, 76 If all I have, or e’er shall get, will do it. I ’ll have her well attended; there are ladies Of errant knights decay’d and brought so low, That for cast clothes and meat will gladly serve her. 80 And ’t is my glory, though I come from the city, To have their issue whom I have undone, To kneel to mine as bondslaves.
Mar. ’T is fit state, sir.
Over. And therefore, I ’ll not have a chambermaid That ties her shoes, or any meaner office, 85 But such whose fathers were right worshipful. ’T is a rich man’s pride! there having ever been More than a feud, a strange antipathy, Between us and true gentry.
Enter WELLBORN.
Mar. See, who ’s here, sir.
Over. Hence, monster! prodigy!
Well. Sir, your wife’s nephew; 90 She and my father tumbled in one belly.
Over. Avoid my sight! thy breath’s infectious, rogue! I shun thee as a leprosy, or the plague. Come hither, Marrall—[aside] this is the time to work him. Exit.
Mar. I warrant you, sir.
Well. By this light I think he ’s mad. 95
Mar. Mad! had you ta’en compassion on yourself, You long since had been mad.
Well. You have ta’en a course, Between you and my venerable uncle, To make me so.
Mar. The more pale-spirited you, That would not be instructed. I swear deeply—— 100
Well. By what?
Mar. By my religion.
Well. Thy religion! The devil’s creed:—but what would you have done?
Mar. Had there been but one tree in all the shire, Nor any hope to compass a penny halter, Before, like you, I had outliv’d my fortunes, 105 A withe had serv’d my turn to hang myself. I am zealous in your cause; pray you hang yourself, And presently,[4049] as you love your credit.
Well. I thank you.
Mar. Will you stay till you die in a ditch, or lice devour you?—— Or, if you dare not do the feat yourself, 110 But that you ’ll put the state to charge and trouble, Is there no purse to be cut, house to be broken, Or market-woman with eggs, that you may murder, And so dispatch the business?
Well. Here ’s variety, I must confess; but I ’ll accept of none 115 Of all your gentle offers, I assure you.
Mar. Why, have you hope ever to eat again, Or drink? or be the master of three farthings? If you like not hanging, drown yourself! Take some course For your reputation.
Well. ’T will not do, dear tempter, 120 With all the rhetoric the fiend hath taught you, I am as far as thou art from despair; Nay, I have confidence, which is more than hope, To live, and suddenly, better than ever.
Mar. Ha! ha! these castles you build in the air 125 Will not persuade me to give or lend A token to you.
Well. I ’ll be more kind to thee: Come, thou shalt dine with me.
Mar. With you!
Well. Nay more, dine gratis.
Mar. Under what hedge, I pray you? or at whose cost? Are they padders[4050] or abram-men[4051] that are your consorts? 130
Well. Thou art incredulous; but thou shalt dine Not alone at her house, but with a gallant lady; With me, and with a lady.
Mar. Lady! what lady? With the Lady of the Lake, or Queen of Fairies? For I know it must be an enchanted dinner. 135
Well. With the Lady Allworth, knave.
Mar. Nay, now there ’s hope Thy brain is crack’d.
Well. Mark there, with what respect I am entertain’d.
Mar. With choice, no doubt, of dog-whips. Why, dost thou ever hope to pass her porter?
Well. ’T is not far off, go with me; trust thine own eyes. 140
Mar. Troth, in my hope, or my assurance rather, To see thee curvet[4052] and mount like a dog in a blanket, If ever thou presume to pass her threshold, I will endure thy company.
Well. Come along then. Exeunt.