The Struggles and Adventures of Christopher Tadpole at home and abroad. Illustrated by Leech

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1HE STRUGGLES AND ADVENTURES .IF CHRISTOPHEB TADPOLE $U f sjtiu 8tti Jibrnij, BY ALBERT SMITH, AUTHOB OP " THE ADVEKTUBES OP MB. LEDBUBY," " THE FOBTTJI*E9 OF THE SCATTEEGOOD FAMILY," "THE MABCHIONESS OF BEINVILLIEBS," ETC. etc. WITH PORTRAIT OF THE AUTHOR, AND TWENTY-SIX ILLUSTRATIONS BY JOHN LEECH. LONDON: WILLIAM TEGG. 1864. TO ME. SEEGEANT TALFOURD, M.P. My deae Sib, The kind manner in which you have, more than once, spoken to me of my literary productions has been, I can assure you, my greatest encouragement, during their progress. Not only on this account, however, but as a small mark of the respect and esteem I feel towards you and your amiable family — to whom I am in debt for so much that is agreeable — I beg to dedicate this Volume to you. And that its author may long enjoy the pleasure of your friendship is the sincere wish of Tours most faithfully, ALT3EKT SMITH.

CONTENTS. ?i.-ra The Prelude: which mast be recollected towards the end of the story . . 1 Chap. I. Of the great Soiree given at the Parthenon IS II. Mr. Gndge re-appears, in the proud position of being able to do the proper thing 37 III. The Salt mine 33 IV. Of Mr. Gudge's Home, his Chambers, and his Clerk 40 V. The Fete at Sir Frederick Arden's — all sorts of Wheels 60 VI. Christopher proceeds on his Journey . . . . C'2 VII. Christopher makes his first appearance in Public 65 VIII. Mrs. Hamper returns in state to Town 74 IX. Sprouts has a Holiday 85 X. The " King o' Bells" at Bidston 97 XI. Christopher falls into Bad Company 103 XII. Which principally concerns Sprouts and Bessy Payne 109 XIII. A Rookery in Liverpool 122 XTV. Mr. Gudge thinks of taking a Journey 129 XV. Which roverts to Dr. Aston, Science, and Population 130 XVI.

Mr. Gudge proceeds on his Journey, which Sprouts takes advantage of 148 XVII. Sprouts gives a Soiree 154 XVIII. Christopher is prepared for his new place . 161 XIX. The Steward's Story — Sprouts turns to Literature 106 XX. The Gudges plunge into Society, which Mrs. Hamper participates in . 183 XXT. The Dinner Party does not improve 193 XXII. Sir Frederick makes a resolve • . ■ . . 199 XXIII. Christopher is once more carried away 2U3 XXIV. The little Milliners receive their Friends 212 XXV. Some distinguished Travellers arrive at Venice 225 XXVI. Skittler meets one of Christopher's early Friends ....... 232 XXVII. Mr. Gudge has an interview with Christopher 245 XXVIII. Mrs. Hamper becomes the Heroine of a fearful Adventure . . . CONTENTS. VI TAG3 CHArTEB XXIX. Another Character, and by no means an unimportant one, Is introduced 257 XXX.

Chapter I. Of The Great Soiree Given At The Parthenon

Ten years ! How much of bright sunshine and gloomiest depression — what flitting days of happiness, and long sad hours of pain and sorrow — what changes in the most united homes, where change was never thought of; and old ties broken, and new associations formed and cherished in their places — how large a chapter in the romance of every life may not that period comprise ! And yet, with all its lights and shadows, we look back upon it, and no longer time appears to have elapsed, than since the finish of the last chapter. For, struggling ever onward — toiling up towards some air built goal never to be attained — the past, which but now formed the obstacles of the present, crumbles instantly away behind our steps, like the staircase of the Epicurean, as we advance in our progress, falling back into the dark gulf of Time never to be reformed.

And every step, which was of such magnitude when we passed it, is forgotten in the collectiveness of retrospection, or the fresh labour we are for ever work ing forward to, until a passing thought would compass the events of years. It is ten years then since the epoch of the last chapter : and the medical man, with whom we are already acquainted, was sitting in his little parlour, in the httle town before alluded to. Doctor Aston was still a bachelor ; but from having brought the whole parish into the world. even to those who now had great grown-up boys and girls of their own, he might be looked upon, and indeed was so, as the head of a very large family. And he was not only the medical attendant, but he had become the confidential friend of nearly all his patients, who sent for him as often to allay family irritation as to heal recognized corporeal com plaints.

He lived in a small house, quite in the centre of the town, opposite the great inn, and next the bank ; and an old housekeeper, with an odd groom, or footman, or, indeed, assistant upon a pinch, formed the human portion of his establishment. He was very clever in his profession, from long experience ; but put no trust in new-fangled remedies which from time to time we read of. For he had seen so many things start up to cure everything, and quietly tumble down again after a short noisy hfe — with names that nobody but chemists who had written large books and almost chrystallized or sublimed thomselves in laboratories by long study could understand ; that he only believed in the old-fashioned drugs whose virtues centuries had tried. So that when a crack London physician once prescribed " Ferrosesquicyanuret of the cyanide of potassium" upon being called in to a patient, Dr. Aston waited until he was gone, and then said, he would rather trust to rhubarb.

And the patient got rapidly well. ATjYENTURES But besides his professional knowledge, Dr. Aston was an antiquarian. a naturalist, and a philosopher ; in fact, he could have written catalogues of the British Museum and Polytechnic Institution, with the Zoologicai Gardens thrown in as a supplement, without a reference. But his enthusiasm in these studies sometimes lead him into difficulties. He had been twice taken up for Swing, at the time of the incendiary excitement, when he was poking about a rick-yard where he was not known : and his unfortunate defence that he was looking after a barrow — when, as his captor observed, "he know'd there wasn't none there, and if there was it wasn't his" — did not improve his position. He had also narrowly escaped an indictment for defacing the interior of a church, then he was found picking some parochial whitewash from a monumental brass ; and was once hooted out of a village as a body-snatcher, because the inhabitants had seen him all day taking the copy of a tombstone inscription with heel-ball and cartridge paper — as they agreed, to point out the grave to nis assistants.

Of course these things only occurred in strange places ; his neighbours would not have been surprised to have seen him sitting all day upon the church weathercock, if he had liked to do so. The town wherein he lived was a manufacturing one, in which salt was the chief article produced ; and it was astonishing to simple strangers, how much dirt appeared to be required in making any thing so clean. They were also surprized to see that it was not found in large white blocks, with bottles of ready-made sauce and essence of anchovy embedded in them, hke flies in amber, or toads in marble, as they had seen in ingenious grocers' windows. The place, we say, was small and dirty, and surrounded by chimneys, which always kept the town in a cloud of blacks : so that, what between the smoking and the salting, it was a wonder that the inhabitants did not hve for ever, from the constant curing — besides Dr. Aston' s — they were subjected to.

On the evening when we again meet that worthy man, a great excitement reigned in the town ; for the new building, which was called " The Parthenon," and was devoted to the purposes of science was to be inaugurated, the association having hitherto met in the club-room of the principal inn until they had collected funds to build a temple of their own. Dr. Aston was to preside, and contributions of wonderful things, to be deposited in the library, were solicited from the neighbouring lovers of science. A real literary gentleman, who had written a book, was expected from London, to be looked at ; and the freedom of the town — of coming into it, that is to say, whenever he hked — was to be presented to him in a salt-box, as emblematical of the manufactures. There would be tea and coffee in unparalleled profusion; aud for the committee — sly fellows they were — wine and biscuits ; and even cans of ale, hidden behind the" bookshelves.

And people also murmured of a supper at the White Hart, for the same gentlemen, afterwards, with a goose, and lobsters, and tremendous things beside. But the mere mention of this was always repressed by the wellthinking members ; for as they observed, it was contemptible to brine sating and drinking in approximation to the pure flame of science. Great preparations were made, however, in the right quarters. All OF CtTRISTOPHER TADPOLE. 15 the rubbings from the brasses, which Doctor Aston had procured at such peril, were hung round the rooms, and looked very glossy and joyous, although they were perfectly incomprehensible, and were taken by the majority to be Egyptian manuscripts on papyrus, The library table was covered with green baize, on which were numerous pieces of ►•tone of different shapes and colours, with an attendant in waiting to explain all their properties ; the mending of roads appearing to the unpractised eye, to be the chief one.

A museum of natural history, consisting of stuffed birds, and such like preparations, was also arranged in the entrance hall, kindly sent by the inhabitants of the town and its vicinity ; but in the hurry and excitement of the evening, the labels had been wrongly arranged, so that the pole-cat was called " a magpie" and the penguin " a young cuckoo ;" whilst a stuffed salmon of unusual size, which some indefatigable angler had taken in the adjacent river was ticketed " a hornet's nest." People thought it very hke a fish ; but there was too much novelty to allow them to dwell on, or recollect any thing they saw or heard. The hour of meeting arrived, and the place was crowded even to the gallery above the platform, whence only a view of the top of the chair man's head could be obtained. Truth to tell, the objects of art and science, did not attract so much attention as the committee wished — — the audience appearing more inclined to talk and laugh amongst themselves than to plunge into dissertations even on such light and humorous subjects as geology and antiquities.

But, in this they did not much differ from those who attend larger meetings. For to bring a large body of people together, with satisfaction to themselves, it is only necessary to intermingle them so that each person may, every few minutes, encounter an old friend or be introduced to a new one ; and they will be perfectly contented with any amusement that does not require silence, or command much attention. This is the reason why flower shows and horse-races are so well attended ; although not one in every score of the visitors, would walk a mile merely to see some dahlias stuck in some bottles of water, or some horses galloping over some grass. But this by the way. The time came, and the seats were crammed ; and when the clock pointed the hour the company began to shuffle their feet and knock their umbrellas to remind the committee that punc tuality was the soul of business, as the small-hand copy observes.

Dr. Aston, and the literary gentleman from London, and the other wonder ful people who were to speak and exhibit, were all waiting in a little room hke a condemned cell ; and then the vice-presidents arrived with wands to heighten the idea of going to execution : and the procession commenced through the passage of the Parthenon. At this trying moment one of the committee, Mr. Saunders — a man of an ill-regulated mind— began to toll a bell upon an inverted water-tumbler with the end of his wand ; but the secretary gave him such a look, that it was a wonder he did not go through the floor, or into his boots, or any other popular refuge for the discomfited. However, they arrived at the platform : and then there was great applause, especially when Dr. Aston took his seat, and as the ADVENTURES cheering continued,' Mr. Saunders got up and bowed to the company ; with such a look at the same time to a young lady on the front benches, who had very bright eyes and glossy hair, which proved that science is not always proof against pretty faces.

But the flirtation was stopped by Mr. Buffles, the secretary, who pulled Mr. Saunders back and said, " Pray — pray, Saunders ; be quiet ! this is not a time for torn-foolery !" Dr. Aston was warmly welcomed. He made a short speech, saying that no doubt they were anxious to become acquainted with the emi nent individuals who were about to honour them with their presence, and then he took his seat, as the secretary introduced Mr. Tweel, a gentleman from Manchester, who was followed by an intelligent friend, carrying a machine which looked something hke a set of cotton reels arranged for a country-dance, and which being set in motion by a handle, produced a loud and continuous rattle as they ran in and out, and amidst one another, as the people do when Sir Roger de Coverley is not known very well.

Mr. Tweel lectured as follows : his declamation being accompanied, hke that of the revived Greek tragedies, with certain sounds from instruments. " Ladies and Gentlemen, " The manufactures of one's country — (off went the reels, as if they were all trying to lie themselves in knots) — that proud pre-eminence over foreign markets — (the reels were perfectly delirious in their excitement — the art of making braid — (another desperate rattle, at the end of which the intelligent friend pulled out a silk watchguard six feet long from the con fusion) — and there you see the process of making the flat braid." " That's to say making his friend do it," -aid Mr. Saunders to the secretary. Mr. Buffles did not move a muscle. " Don't you see?" said Mr. Saunders, who was not to be put down, giving the other gentleman one of those pleasant nudges which funny men will inflict upon you, when you don't laugh ; " Making the fiat braid you know ; that is, making his friend braid : * flat' — that's where the point is.

Not so bad, is it ?" " Mr. Saunders," said the secretary, virtuously indignant, " if you have no mind to appreciate science, others have." But Mr. Saunders was not yet extinguished : for the next moment he had tied his pocket-handkerchief round his hand, making a Turk of the finger, who kept bowing to the young lady on the front row, until Mr. Tweel and the intelligent friend had brought the dance of reels to a satisfactory conclusion, and retired amidst the applause of the audience, who were very much gratified at being taught how to make braid. The exhibition of manufactures continued ; and the buzz had scarcely subsided, when the Secretary introduced an old gentleman, in a very dirty face and shirt-sleeves, who came on to the platform, followed by two men bringing on a very elaborate apparatus like a spinning-wheel seen through a magnifying glass, which the company were informed was a machine used by potters to make mugs the process of which would now be shewn.

OF CHRISTOTHER TADPOLE. 17 "Very common word, 'mugs'" said Mr. Saunders, still vital, to the Secretary ; " I hope he's not going to make ugly mugs. Why can't he say, the process of modelling busts, or faces ? Much better than making mugs." " Did you address this balderdash to me, Sir ?" said Mr. Buffles. getting indignant beyond measure. "Not that I know of," said Mr. Saunders. "Hush! don't make such a noise. I can't see if you do." And Mr. Buffles, in his nervous excitement, chancing at that minute to upset the inkstand, Mr. Saunders called out " Order !" and looked at a little girl very severely, to shew that it was not Mr. Buffles — of course not — that he was calling to account. The apparatus was fixed ; the wheel was turned ; and the workman commenced spattering a quantity of white mud amidst the company, as he demonstrated centrifugal force rather than the manufacture of crockery.

At length he came to a sudden stop, whilst as yet nothing like a mug appeared on the stand ; and rising from his seat with some little difficulty, he, to the consternation of the Committee thus addressed the audience — in tones, which proved, as Mr. Saunders observed, that hs had been all the evening moistening his own clay instead of that he was to work upon. " I'm not going to stand this no longer. (Sensation.) It's all very well for you, but I takes in a newspaper, and knows my rights, and am quite as good as any of you. (The potter snapped his fingers at the audience. The Committee got alarmed, and Mr. Buffles assumed a warlike attitude with a pen, which showed that he would defend the company or die. Mr. Saunders simp/y exclaimed. " Here's a rich treat !" and then cried out " Bravo !") I'm not going to be put down by nobody.

I'm a son of labour, and we're the tnie masters ofthe world, and knows our right position ; and what's more, we means to keep it." The intention was, however, stronger than the power ; for the intelligent artizan, as certain newspapers would have called him, not being -very well able to keep on his legs, seated himself upon the clay on the wheel, and commenced incoherently abusing the company generally. There was terrible consternation amidst the audience : the ladies in front, not being able to retreat, screamed, and rushed upon the platform, where they formed interesting groups with the Committee. Mr. Saunders directly protected the young lady with the bright eyes, in the fashion usually adopted in a waltz, but without the waltzing ; and Mr. Buffles, making sure that the Committee were behind him, seized the free-thinking potter by the collar, and, with the assistance of the others, dragged him away.

It was some time before order was restored ; but when Dr. Aston, in his usual mild manner, had tried to turn the affair off in a half jocular manner, and assured the ladies that there was no fear of fire : — in which the gentler sex comprise every alarm given in a public place, even if the assembly was in the Thames Tunnel, or any other place not very likely to be burnt down — the business of the evening proceeded. "Mr. Saunders will now oblige us with his paper on Botany," A7N D ADVENTURES said Dr. Aston. "May I request your attention, ladies and gentle man." " Now for my go in," said Mr. Saunders : " I'll astonish them — rather. Nib your pen, Buffles, and put it all down. It's worth it, I can tell vou." And Mr. Saunders advanced to the front of the platform, and bowed to the company, as he smiled at the young lady.

He was loudly ap- E lauded, for he was a favourite with the members, having always set is face against "slow" lectures and discussions; and maintaining that Literary Institutions were for the purposes of harmony and amusement, rather than the spread of knowledge. For as much of the latter article, he was wont to say, as ever was wanted could be got anywhere for a penny ; and, ashe also observed, hke a new roll, was generally very filling at the price. When the reception had subsided, Mr. Saunders again bowed; blew his nose; could not put his handkerchief back again ; and proceeded. MR. SAUNDERS'S PAPER. " Ladies and Gentlemen ; "The science of Botany — like the beauty of an eminent political character — requires only to be known to be appreciated." Here Mr. Buffles, who had not recovered the late excitement, took a moss rose from a tumbler of water, drank the water, replaced the rose, and then began to write.

"For want of botanical knowledge," continued Mr. Saunders, "scarcely a week passes but our friends — nay, those dearest to us — sit down upon the leaves of the nettle, ignorant of its peculiar properties ; and cooks, in their noviciate, ingenuously serve up steaks with toad stool sauce for the refreshment of the weary traveller in picturesque roadside inns." There was here a great manifestation of feeling ; and one old lady in front shed a tear, overcome by Mr. Saunders's touching pathos. "In the short space of our Lecture, it would be as impossible to teach you the whole science of Botany, as it would be to put the sun and moon into a pill-box, one to be taken every twelve hours." Mr. Saunders waited an instant, very properly, for the company to laugh, and then proceeded : " I shall, therefore, just lay before you as much as I happen to think of; skipping, hke a flea — if the ladies will permit me to use the industrious entymological simile — over the whole body of my subject."

A gentleman of nervous susceptibility, in spectacles and gaiters, on the platform, scratched his leg from the force of imagination. "Allow me," said Mr. Saunders, "in the first place, to contradict a popular error. Green peas are not the produce of the mint plant. Ladies often think they are, because the leaves of mint are usually found boiled with peas ; but it is not so. Having set you right on this point, allow me humbly to hope that I am not' taking up your time — that valuable time that grows upon no bank, eitheiwild or otherwise." There was very loud applause and laughter, and they all said, " Go on !" except Mr. Buffles, who did not see much in it, and. never liked Mr. Saunders. That gentleman resumed : — " Plants, hke maids-of-all-work, have a wonderful power of adaptin-* themselves to strange places.

I shall follow up the remark by talking about something else." Here somebody's hat fell down from the gallery upon the head of Mr. Buffles ; and there was a general laugh, but it was not known whether it was at the lecture or the accident. Dr. Aston knocked his hammer loudly on the table. "Trees," Mr. Saunders went on, "are of various kinds; some are termed mechanical trees : such are termed the Boot Tree, and the Axle Tree. In addition to these we have the Pewter Tree, the fruit of which serves for measures at our various public-houses. There is a very fine specimen to be seen in the yard of the White Hart." Applause from the umbrella of the landlord, who was in the room, and decided that Mr. Samiders should be asked what he would take to drink the next time he passed. " The Pewter Tree (Abor Puterifera of Linnæus), is easily trans planted.

It requires very little industry or science for its cultivation, and is, therefore, I regret to say, very suitable for those sad neighbour hoods where malt liquor is in too great request." The landlord here rescinded his determination ; but a teetotaller in the pit applauded rapturously. Thus it is in every position of public life ; to please one party it is necessary to offend another, in which act much of the imparted gratification lies. " You have heard of the sensitive plant, ' Venus's fly trap,' which catches blue-bottles as well as the laziest schoolboy, or as ladies' smiles capture hearts. (Here Mr. Saunders gazed at the young lady, and all the younger committee-men applauded loudly, as each looked at his particular attraction amongst the audience). In the wilds of North America there are trees which possess the power of entrapping men on a similar principle, or rather on no principle at all, for none is known there, except that of vitality.

This tree was much cultivated by the venerable Mr. Justice Lynch, since deceased, whence its appellation of 'Judge Lynch's rat-trap.'" An impressive silence, broken only by subdued expressions of horror, reigned. " Some plants," continued Mr. Saunders, " possess intoxicating properties. Here is a shrub of this species, the Frutex Curiosus, the ' strange plant,' or to speak more familiarly, the ' rum shrub.' " " Plants when not properly attended to will frequently transplant themselves. Geraniums have a singular dislike to front gardens, and will frequently remove therefrom with remarkable celerity, unless the gates be kept locked to prevent their egress. The inhabitants of Lon don are aware of this, and remove their front parlour hanging-gardens every evening, by which means alone are nasturtions and mignionette preserved."

A gentleman from town told a lady that it was a fact. " Some plants are wonderfully long lived ; the common flag is of tins AND ADVENTURES l description. There is a tradition that an English flag has been known to brave a thousand years. They are a hardy race altogether ; and in a district of London called Fleet Street, the flags, there used as paving stones, are transplanted every week without deterioration. Elder shrubs, however, have been known to attain a still greater age, which I trust, Ladies and Gentlemen, may be the lot of all of you." Here Mr. Saunders bowed to different pomts of the compass, and the applause was very great, the young ladies enjoying the discourse immensely, and thinking the lecturer such a delightful young man ; all which was gall and wormwood, and bad pale ale, to Mr. Buffles, who voted it all trivial frivolity, and incompatible with the steady flame of science.

The literary gentleman from London was not altogether the hit that he was expected to be, although, to be sure, his name gave importance to the meeting. For instead of talking just like a funny book, and making his hearers fling themselves about in delirious enjoyment of his comicality, he never made any jokes at all ; and so all those who ex pected an additional chapter of his last novel for nothing were rather disappointed. He said two or three appropriate tilings, to be sure ; but the worst of it was that the members of the Institution had heard them all before upon similar occasions. He expressed the gratification he felt at meeting them ; and the advantages of institutions of this kind, as well as humbler ones, which brought knowledge home to the door of the poor man. But he did not say much about the inability of the poor man to take her in, being overstocked with inmates to his cottage already.

And then he touched upon the march of intellect, and the power of knowledge, which induced the knowledge of power ; and the superiority of the nobility of nature over the aristocracy of the Blue-book, with many other consolatory plasters for those whom the degraded Blue-book had overlooked. And he spoke, also, of the importance of science to the prince, the merchant, the artizan, and the man (he said " man" gravely, in a deep tone, with much feeling, as if the other classes had nothing to do with him) ; and suggested, also, who knew but that their town might, in time, send out its Shakspeare, and that pilgrims would come by hundreds to scribble on the ceiling and chimney-piece, and write their names in a book, as soon as some ingenious individual had pointed out the likeliest house to have been the scene of the birth ; which when time had stamped the room with some little authority of antiquity, should become an estate, that the shillings of the enthusiastic visitors would render of far more worth than the pampered lands of entailed obscurity.

This last speech brought the audience down famously ; and the literary gentleman having finished, hke a damp squib -with a good bang, resumed his seat ; whilst every young heart glowed with hopes of becoming the Shakspeare spoken of; and to this sensation is attri buted the fact, that one of the committe tried lo steal a deer in a neighbouring park the next week in a moment of romance— intending if things went badly, to come up to London, and hold horses in Drury Lane in consequence ; and thereby narrowly escaped transportation. For magistrates make no allowance for the freaks of genius ; and Shakspeare, at the present day, in the absence of all support, would be compelled to put in bail just as if he were Smith, or Jones, or any other nonentity. Dr. Aston next addressed the meeting, and was long and loudly cheered.

He spoke kindly and familiarly of all its objects : expressed his readiness at all times to co-operate with them : and alluded, with pleasure, to the formation of a discussion class, as he looked with pride to the list for the ensuing season of subjects ; which were to be as followed, every Thursday evening. 1 . Have our ideas of impenetrable space, any metaphysical relation to the principles of human intellect ? And if so, what is their value 1 2. On various diametrical objurgations? 3. What is what? 4. On the doctrine of impracticable impossibilities. 5. Ferguson — what of him ? 6. On Roman bricks — was Curtius one of them ? He was gratified to see the list of lectures for the ensuing season ; at the same time he regretted to read the excuse of Mr. Mould, who had been intending to lecture upon the antiquities of their town ; but after much research, had been obliged to confess that he had found nothing old in it, except the fashions, the files, and the ale at the White Hart.