A history of New York, from the beginning of the world to the end of the Dutch dynasty. Containing, among many surprising and curious matters, the unutterable ponderings of Walter the Doubter, the disastrous projects of William the Testy, and the chivalric achievements of Peter the Headstrong, the three Dutch governors of New Amsterdam: being the only authentic history of the times that ever hath been published

Front matter

Glass f i'ZP

Book ^

ZT'/o^

Chap. I. — Description of the World - - 33

Chap. II. — Cosmogony, or Creation of the World; with a multitude of excellent theories, by which the creation of a world is shown to be no such difficult matter as common folk would imagine - - 41

Chap. III. — How that famous navigator, Noah, was shamefully nick-named ; and how he committed an unpardonable oversight in not having four sons. With the great trouble of philosophers caused thereby, and the discovery of America - - 52

Chap. IV. — Showing the great difficulty Philosophers have had in peopling America — And how the Aborigines came to be begotten by accident — to the great relief and satisfaction of the Author - .60

Chap. V. — In which the Author puts a mighty (juestion to the rout, by the assistance of the Man in the

Pa-b

Moon — which not only delivers thousands of people from great embarrassment, but likewise concludes this introductory book - - - 68

Book II

TREATING OF THE FIRST SETTLEMENT OF THE PRO- VINCE OF NIEUW NEDERLANDTS.

Chap. I. — In which are contained divers reasons why a man should not write in a hurry. Also of Master Hendrick Hudson, his discovery of a strange country — and how he was magnificently rewarded by the munificence of their High Mightinesses - 88

Chap. II. — Containing an account of a mighty Ark which floated, under the protection of St. Nicholas, from Holland to Gibbet Island — the descent of the strange Animals therefrom — a great victory, and a description of the ancient village of Communipaw - 101

Chap. III. — In which is set forth the true art of making a bargain — together with the miraculous escape of a great Metropolis in a fog — and the biography of certain heroes of Communipaw - - • 109

Chap. IV. — How the heroes of Communipaw voyaged

to Hell-Gate, and how they were received there - 118

Chap. V. — How the heroes of Communipaw returned somewhat wiser than they went — and how the sage Oloffe dreamed a dream — and the dream that he dreamed - - - - 131

Chap. VI. — Containing an attempt at etymology — and

of the founding of the great city of New-Amsterdam 136

Chap. VII. — How the city of New- Amsterdam Avaxed

gj-eat, under the protection of Oloffe the Dreamer 14:5

Contents

Pdge

Book III

iN WHICH IS RECORDED THE GOLDEN REIGN OF WOUTEH VAN TWILLER.

Chap. T. — Of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, his unparalleled virtues — as likewise his unutterable wisdom in the law case of Wandle Schoonhoven and Barent Bleecker — and the great admiration of the public thereat - - - - 152

Chap, II. — Containing some account of the grand council of New- Amsterdam, as also divers especial good philosophical reasons why an alderman should be fat — with other particulars touching the state of the province - - - - 16^

Chap. III. — How the town of New-Amsterdam arose out of mud, and came to be marvellously polished and polite — together with a picture of the manners of our great great grandfathers - - 1*74

Chap. IV. — Containing further particulars of the Golden Age, and what constituted a fine Lady and Gentleman in the days of Walter the Doubter - 183

Chap. V. — In which the reader is beguiled into a delectable walk, which ends very differently from what it commenced - - - - 190

Chap. VI. — Faithfully describing the ingenious people of Connecticut and thereabouts — Showing, moreover, the true meaning of liberty of conscience, and a curious device among these sturdy barbarians, to keep up a harmony of intercourse, and promote population - - - - 196

Chap. VII. — How these singular barbarians turned out to be notorious squatters. How they built air castles, and attempted to initiate the Nederlanders in the mystery of bundling . - .. 203

CONTENTS.

Past

Chap. VIII. — How theibrt Gocd Hoop was fearfully beleaguered — how the renowned Wouter fell into a profound doubt, and how he finally evaporated - 210

Book IV. Containing The Chronicles Of The Ijetgn Of William The Testy

Chap. I. — Showing the nature of history in general; containing furthermore the universal acquirements of William the Testy, and how a man may learn so much as to render himself good for nothing - 218

Chap. II. — In which are recorded the sage projects of a ruler of universal genius. The art of fighting by proclamation, — and how that the valiant Jacobus Van Curlet came to be foully dishonoured at fort Goedo Hoop . . - . >2S0

Chap. III. — Containing the fearful Avrath of William the Testy, and the great dolour of the New- Amsterdammers ; because of the affair of fort Goed Hoop. And, moreover, how William the Testy did strongly fortif}^ the cit3\ — Together with the exploits of Stoffel BrinkerhofF " - - - 238

Chap. IV. — Philosophical reflections on the folly of" being happy in times of prosperity. — Sundr}^ troubles on the southern frontiers. — How William the Test} had well nigh ruined the province through a cabalistic word. — As also the seci-et expedition of Jan Jan.sen Alpendam, and his astonishing reward - - 2 ! 7

Chap. V. — How William the Testy enriched the province by a multitude of laws, and came to be the patron of lawyers and bum-bailiffs. And how the people became exceedingly enlightened and unhappy under his instructions - - - - 257

Chap. VI. — Of the great pipe-plot — and of the dolorous

CONTENTS.

Pns-o perplexities into which WilHam the Testy was thrown,

by reason of his having enlightened the multitude 267

Chap. VII. — Containing divers fearful accounts of Border wars, and the flagrant outrages of tlie Moss-troopers of Connecticut — with the rise of the great Amphyctionic council of the east, and the decline of William the Testy 275

Book V

CONTAINING THE FIRST PART OF THE REIGN OP PETER STUYVESANT, AND HIS TROUBLES WITH THE AMPHYCTIONIC COUNCIL.

Chap. I. — In vvhich the death of a great man is shown to be no very inconsolable matter of sorrow — and how Peter Stuyvesant acquired a great name from the uncommon strength of his head - - 2S6

Chap. II. — Showing how Peter the Headstrong bestirred himself among the rats and cobwebs on entering into office ; and the perilous mistake he was guilty of, in his dealings with the Amphyctions - - 295

Chap. III. — Containing divers speculations on war and negotiations — showing that a treaty of peace is a great national evil - . . . 302

Chap IV. — How Peter Stuyvesant was greatly belied by his adversaries the Moss-troopers — and his conduct thereupon . „ . . . 309

Chap. V. — How the New-Amsterdammers became great in arms, and of the direful catastrophe of amighty army — together with Peter Stuyvesant's measures to fortify the city — and how he was the original founder of the battery . . - . 320

Chap. VI. — How the people of the cast country were

CONTENTS.

Page suddenly afflicted with a diabolical evil — and their

judicious measui'es for the extirpation thereof - 327

Chap. VII. — Which records the rise and renown of a valiant commander, showing that a man, like a bladder, may be puffed up to greatness and importance by mere wind _-__._ 335

Book VI

tJONTAINING THE SECOND PART OF THE REIGN OF

PETER THE HEADSTRONG AND HIS GALLANT

ACHIEVEMENTS ON THE DELAWARE.

Chap. I. — In which is exhibited a warlike portrait of the great Peter — and how General Von Poffenburgh distinguished himself at Fort Casimir - - 34^5

Chap. II. — Showing how profound secrets are often brought to light ; with the proceedings of Peter the Headstrong when he heard of the misfortunes of General Von Poffenburgh - _ . 358

Chap. III. — Containing Peter Stuyvesant's voyage up the Hudson, and the wonders and delights of that renowned river - - - - f)67

Chap. IV. — Describing the powerful army that assembled at the city of New- Amsterdam — together with the interview between Peter the Headstrong and General Von Poffenburgh, and Peter's sentiments touching unfortunate great men ... 377

Chap. V. — In which the author discourses very ingeniously of himself.— After which is to be found much interesting history about Peter the Headstrong and his followers .... 386

Chap. VI. — Showing the great advantage that the author has over his reader in time of battle— together

CONTENTS.

age with divers portentous movements ; which betoken

that something terrible is about to happen S&J

Chap. VII. — Containing the most horrible battle ever recorded in poetry or prose ; with the admirable exploits of Peter the Headstrong - - 405

Chap. VIII. — In which the author and the reader, while reposing after the battle, fall into a very grave discourse — after which is recorded the conduct of Peter Stuyvesant after his victory - - . 4,20

BOOK^VII.

CONTAINING THE THIRD PART OF THE REIGN OF PE- TER THE HEADSTRONG HIS TROUBLES WITH THE

BRITISH NATION, AND THE DECLINE AND FALL OF THE DUTCH DYNASTY.

Chap. I. — How Peter Stuyvesant relieved the sovereign people from the burthen of taking care of the nation — with sundry particulars of his conduct in time of peace - ... . .\.^i

Chap. II. — How Peter Stuyvesant was much molested by the moss-troopers of the East, and the Giants of Merryland — and how a dark and horrid conspiracy was carried on in the British Cabinet against the prosperity of the Manhattoes - - 441

Chap. III. — Of Peter Stuyvesant's expedition into the East Country, shewing that though an old bird, he did not understand trap . . _ 453

Chap. IV. — How the people of New-Amsterdam were thrown into a great panic, by the news of a threatened invasion, and the manner in which they fortified themselves - - - - 4!65

Chap. V. — Showing how the Grand Council of the New- Netherlands came to be miraculously gifted with long tongues. Together with a great triumph of Economy - - - - 470 or fiery body, of a prodigious magnitude, from which this world is driven by a centrifugal or repelling power, and to which it is drawn by a centripetal or attractive force, otherwise called the attraction of gravitation ; the combination, or rather the counteraction of these two opposing impulses producing a circular and annual revolution. Hence result the different seasons of the year, viz. spring, summer, autumn, and winter.

This I believe to be the most approved modern theory on the subject — though there be many philosophers who have entertained very different opinions ; some too of them entitled to much deference, from their great antiquity and illustrious characters. Thus it was advanced by some of the ancient sages, that the earth was an extended plain, supported by vast pillars ; and by others, that it rested on the head of a snake, or the back of a huge tortoise — but as they did not provide a resting-place for either the pillars or the tortoise, the whole theory fell to the ground, for want of proper foundation.

The Bramins assert, that the heavens rest upon the earth, and the sun and moon swim therein like fishes in the water, moving from east to west by day, and gliding along the edge of the horizon to their original stations during the night*; while, according to the Pauranicas of India, it is a vast plain, encircled by seven oceans of milk, nectar,

and other delicious liquids ; that it is studded with seven mountains, and ornamented in the centre by a mountainous rock of burnished gold; and that a great dragon occasionally swallows up the moon, which accounts for the phenomena of lunar eclipses *.

Beside these, and many other equally sage opinions, we have the profound conjectures of Aboul-Hassan-aly, son of Al Khan, son of Aly, son of Abderrahman, son of Abdallah, son of Masoud-el-Hadheli, who is commonly called Masoudi, and surnamed Cothbeddin, but who takes the humble title of Laheb-ar-rasoul, which means the companion of the ambassador of God. He has written an universal history, entitled "Mouroudgeed-dhahrab, or, the Golden Meadows, and the Mines of Precious Stones f.** In this valuable work he has related the history of the world, from the creation down to the moment of writing ; which was under the Khaliphat of Mothi Billah, in the month Dgioumadi-el-aoual of the 336th year of the Hegira or flight of the Prophet. He informs us that the earth is a huge bird, Mecca and Medina constituting the head, Persia and India the right wing, the land of Gog the left wing, and Africa the tail. He informs us, moreover, that an earth has existed before the present (which he considers as a mere chicken of 7OOO years), that it has undergone divers deluges, and that, according to the opinion of some well informed Brahmins

D 2

DESCRIPTION OF THE WORLD.

of his acquaintance, it will be renovated every seventy thousandth hazarouam ; each hazarouam consisting of 12,000 years.

These are a few of the many contradictory opinions of philosophers concerning the earth, and we find that the learned have had equal perplexity as to the nature of the sun. Some of the ancient philosophers have affirmed that it is a vast wheel of brilliant fire*; others that it is merely a mirror or sphere of transparent crystalt; and a third class, at the head of whom stands Anaxagoras, maintained that it was nothing but a huge ignited mass of iron or stone — indeed, he declared the heavens to be merely a vault of stone — and that the stars were stones whirled upwards from the earth, and set on fire by the velocity of its revolutions t. But I give little attention to the doctrines of this philosopher, the people of Athens having fully refuted them, by banishing him from their city ; a concise mode of answering unwelcome doctrines, much resorted to in former days. Another sect of philosophers do declare, that certain fiery particles exhale constantly from the earth, which concentrating in a single point of the firmament by day, constitute the sun, but being scattered and rambling about in the dark at night, collect in various points, and form stars. These are regularly burnt

* Plutarch de placitis Philosoph, lib. ii. cap. 20.

t Achill. Tat, Isag. cap. 19. Ap. Petav. t. iii. p. 81. Stob, Eclog. Phys. lib. i. p. 56. Plut. de plac. phs.

X Diogenes Laertius in Anaxag. 1. ii. sec. 8. Plat. Apol. t. i. p. 26. Plut. de Plac. Philo. Xenoph. Mem. I. iv. p. 815.

out and extinguished, not unlike to tlie lamps in our streets, and require a fresh supply of exhalations for the next occasion*.

It is even recorded, that at certain remote and obscure periods, in consequence of a great scarcity of fuel, the sun has been completely burnt out, and sometimes not rekindled for a month at a time : — a most melancholy circumstance, the very idea of which gave vast concern to Heraclitus, that worthy weeping philosopher of antiquity. In addition to these various speculations, it was the opinion of Herschel, that the sun is a magnificent habitable abode; the light it furnishes arising from certain empyreal, luminous, or phosphoric clouds, swimming in its transparent atmosphere t.

But we will not enter further at present into the nature of the sun, that being an inquiry not immediately necessary to the development of this history; neither will we embroil ourselves in any more of the endless disputes of philosophers touching the form of this globe, but content ourselves with the theory advanced in tae beginning of this chapter, and will proceed to illustrate by experiment the complexity of motion therein ascribed to this our rotatory planet.

Professor Von Poddingcoft (or Puddinghead, as the name may be rendered into English), was long celebrated in the university of Ley den, for pro-

♦ Aristot. Meteor. 1. ii. c. 2. Idem Probl. sec. 15. Stob. Eel. Phys. 1. i. p. 55. Bruck. Hist. Phil. t. I. p. 1154, &c.

t Philos. Trans. 1795. p. 72. Idem. 1801. p. 265. Nich. Philos. Journ. I. p. 13.

DESCRIPTION OF THE WORLD.

found gravity of deportment, and a talent at going to sleep in the midst of examinations, to the infinite relief of his hopeful students, who thereby worked their way through college with great ease and little study. In the course of one of his lectures, the learned professor, seizing a bucket of water, swung it round his head at arm's length : the impulse with which he threw the vessel from him, being a centrifugal force, the retention of his arm operating as a centripetal power, and the bucket, which was a substitute for the earth, describing a circular orbit round about the globular head and ruby visage of Professor Von Poddingcoft, which formed no bad representation of the sun. All of these particulars were duly explained to the class of gaping students around him. He apprised them, moreover, that the same principle of gravitation, which retained the water in the bucket, restrains the ocean from flying from the earth in its rapid revolutions ; and he further informed them that, should the motion of the earth be suddenly checked, it would incontinently fall into the sun, through the centripetal force of gravitation ; a most ruinous event to this planet, and one which would also obscure, though it most probably would not extinguish, the solar luminary. An unlucky stripling, one of those vagrant geniuses who seem sent into the world merely to annoy worthy men of the puddinghead order, desirous of ascertaining the correctness of the experiment, suddenly arrested the arm of the professor, just at the moment that the bucket was in its zenith, which immediately descended with astonishing precision upon the philosophic head of the instructor of youth. A hollow sound, and a red-hot hiss, attended the contact; but the theory was in the amplest manner illustrated, for the unfortunate bucket perished in the conflict; but the blazing countenance of Professor Von Poddingcoft emerged from amidst the waters, glowing fiercer than ever with unutterable indignation — whereby the students were marvellously edified, and departed considerably wiser than before.

It is a mortifying circumstance, which greatly perplexes many a pains-taking philosopher, that nature often refuses to second his most profound and elaborate efforts ; so that after having invented one of the most ingenious and natural theories imaginable, she will have the perverseness to act directly in the teeth of his system, and flatly contradict his most favourite positions. This is a manifest and unmerited grievance, since it throws the censure of the vulgar and unlearned entirely upon the philosopher ; whereas the fault is not to be ascribed to his theory, which is unquestionably correct, but to the wayw^ardness of dame Nature, who, with the proverbial fickleness of her sex, is continually indulging in coquetries and caprices, and seems really to take pleasure in violating all philosophic rules, and jilting the most learned and indefatigable of her adorers. Thus it happened with respect to the foregoing satisfactory explanation of the motion of our planet. It appears that the centrifugal force has long since ceased to

Operate, while its antagonist remains in undiminished potency : the world, therefore, according to the theory as it originally stood, ought, in strict propriety, to tumble into the sun ; philosophers were convinced that it would do so, and awaited in anxious impatience the fulfilment of their prognostics. But the untoward planet pertinaciously continued her course, notwithstanding that she had reason, philosophy, and a whole university of learned professors opposed to her conduct. The philosophers took this in very ill part, and it is thought they would never have pardoned the slight and affront which they conceived put upon them by the world, had not a good-natured professor kindly officiated as a mediator between the parties, and effected a reconciliation.

Finding the world would not accommodate itself to the theory, he wisely determined to accommodate the theory to the world : he therefore informed his brother philosophers, that the circular motion of the earth round the sun was no sooner engendered by the conflicting impulses above described, than it became a regular revolution, independent of the causes which gave it origin. His learned brethren readily joined in the opinion, being heartily glad of any explanation that would decently extricate them from their embarrassment — and ever since that memorable era the world has been left to take her own course, and to revolve around the sun in such orbit as she thinks proper.

Chapter II

Cosmogony, or Creation of the World ; tvith a multitude of excellent theories, hy "which the creation of a tvorld is shoivn to be no such difficult matter as common folk would imagine.

Having thus briefly introduced my reader to the world, and given him some idea of its form and situation, he will naturally be curious to know from whence it came, and how it was created. And, indeed, the clearing up of these points is absolutely essential to my history, inasmuch as if this world had not been formed, it is more than probable that this renowned island, on which is situated the city of New York, would never have had an existence. The regular course of my history, therefore, requires that I should proceed to notice the cosmogony or formation of this our globe.

And now I give my readers fair warning, that I am about to plunge, for a chapter or two, into as complete a labyrinth as ever historian was perplexed witlial : therefore, I advise them to take fast hold of my skirts, and keep close at my heels, venturing neither to the right hand nor to the left, lest they get bemired in a slough of unintelligible learning, or have their brains knocked out by some of those hard Greek names which will be flying about in all directions. But should any of them be too indolent or chicken-hearted to accompany me in this perilous undertaking, they had better take a short cut round, and wait for me at the beginning of some smoother chapter.

Of the creation of the world we have a thousand contradictory accounts ; and though a very satisfactory one is furnished us by divine revelation, yet every philosopher feels himself in honour bound to furnish us with a better. As an impartial historian, I consider it my duty to notice their several theories, by which mankind have been so exceedingly edified and instructed.

Thus it was the opinion of certain ancient sages, that the earth and the whole system of the universe was the deity himself* ; a doctrine most strenuously maintained by Zenophanes and the whole tribe of Eleatics, as also by Strato and the sect of peripatetic philosophers. Pythagoras likewise inculcated the famous numerical system of the monad, dyad, and triad, and by means of his sacred quaternary elucidated the formation of the world, the arcana of nature, and the principles both of music and morals f. Other sages adhered to the mathematical system of squares and triangles ; the cube, the pyramid, and the sphere ; the tetrahedron, the octahedron, the icosahedron,

* Aristot. ap. Cic. lib. i. cap. 3.

f Aristot. Metaph. lib. i. c. 5. Idem de ccelo, 1. 3. c. 1. Rousseau Mem. sur Musique anclen. p. 39. Plutarch de plac. Philos. lib. i. cap. 3.

and the dodecahedron*. While others advocated the great elementary theory, which refers the construction of our globe and all that it contains to the combinations of four material elements, air, earth, fire, and water ; with the assistance of a fifth, an immaterial and vivifying principle.

Nor must I omit to mention the great atomic system taught by old Moschus, before the siege of Troy ; revived by Democritus, of laughing memory ; improved by Epicurus, that king of good fellow^s; and modernized by the fanciful Descartes. But I decline inquiring whether the atoms, of which the earth is said to be composed, are eternal or recent ; whether they are animate or inanimate; whether, agreeably to the opinion of the atheists, they were fortuitously aggregated, or, as the theists maintain, were arranged by a supreme intelligence t. Whether in fact the earth be an insensate clod, or whether it be animated by a soult; which opinion was strenuously maintained by a host of philosophers, at the head of whom stands the great Plato, that temperate sage, who threw the cold water of philosophy on the form of sexual intercourse, and inculcated the doctrine of Platonic

* Tim. Locr. ap. Plato, t. 3. p. 90.

t Aristot. Nat. Auscult. 1. 2. cap. 6. Aristoph. Metaph. lib. i. cap. 3. Cic. de Nat. Deor. lib. i. cap. 10. Justin. Mart, orat. ad gent. p. 20.

:|: Mosheim in Cudw. lib. i. cap. 4. Tim. de anim. mund. ap. Plat. lib. 3. Mem. de I'acad. des Belles Lettr. t. 32, p. 19, et al.

love — an exquisitely refined intercourse, but much better adapted to the ideal inhabitants of his iraaginary island of Atlantis than to the sturdy race, composed of rebellious flesh and blood, which populates the little matter of fact island we inhabit.

Besides these systems, we have, moreover, the poetical theogony of old Hesiod, who generated the whole universe in the regular mode of procreation ; and the plausible opinion of others, that the earth was hatched from the great egg of night, which floated in chaos, and was cracked by the horns of the celestial bull. To illustrate this last doctrine, Burnet, in his theory of the earth*, has favoured us with an accurate diawing and description, both of the form and texture of this mundane egg; which is found to bear a marvellous resemblance to that of a goose. Such of my readers as take a proper interest in the origin of this our planet will be pleased to learn, that the most profound sages of antiquity, among the Egyptians, Chaldeans, Persians, Greeks, andLatins, have alternately assisted at the hatching of this strange bird, and that their cacklings have been caught, and continued in different tones and inflections, from philosopher to philosopher, unto the present day.

But while briefly noticing long celebrated systems of ancient sages, let me not pass over with neglect those of other philosophers; which, though less universal and renowned, have equal claims to

* Book i. ch. 5.

attention, and equal chance for correctness. Thus it is recorded by the Brahmins, in the pages of their inspired Shastah, that the angel Bistnoo, transforming himself into a great boar, plunged into the watery abyss, and brought up the earth on his tusks. Then issued from him a mighty tortoise, and a mighty snake ; and Bistnoo placed the snake erect upon the back of the tortoise, and he placed the earth upon the head of the snake*.

The negro philosophers of Congo affirm that the world was made by the hands of angels, excepting their own country, which the Supreme Being constructed himself, that it might be supremely excellent. And he took great pains with the inhabitants, and made them very black, and beautiful ; and when he had finished the first man, he was well pleased with him, and smoothed him over the face, and hence his nose, and the nose of all his descendants, became flat.

The Mohawk philosophers tell us, that a pregnant woman fell down from heaven, and that a tortoise took her upon its back, because every place was covered with water ; and that the woman, sitting upon the tortoise, paddled with her hands in the water, and raked up the earth, whence it finally happened that the earth became higher than the water t.

* Holwell. Gent. Philosophy.

t Johannes Megapolensis, Jun. Account of Maquaas or Mohawk Indians, le^'l'.

But I forbear to quote a number more of these ancient and outlandish philosophers, whose deplorable ignorance, in despite of all their erudition, compelled them to write in languages which but few of my readers can understand ; and I shall proceed briefly to notice a few more intelligible and fashionable theories of their modern successors.

And first I shall mention the great Buffon, who conjectures that this globe was originally a globe of liquid fire, scintillated from the body of the sun, by the percussion of a comet, as a spark is generated by the collision of flint and steel. That at first it was surrounded by gross vapours, which, cooling and condensing in process of time, constituted, according to their densities, earth, water, and air ; which gradually arranged themselves, according to their respective gravities, round the burning or vitrified mass that formed their centre.

Hutton, on the contrary, supposes that the waters at first were universally paramount; and he terrifies himself with the idea that the earth must be eventually washed away by the force of rain, rivers, and mountain torrents, until it is confounded with the ocean, or in other words, absolutely dissolves into itself. — Sublime idea ! far surpassing that of the tender-hearted damsel of antiquity, who wept herself into a fountain ; or the good dame of Narbonne in France, who, for a volubility of tongue unusual in her sex, was doomed to peel five hundred thousand and thirty-nine ropes of onions, and actually ran out at her eyes, before half the hideous task was accomplished.

"Whiston, the same ingenious philosopher who rivalled Ditton in his researches after the longitude (for which the mischief-loving Swift discharged on their heads a most savoury stanza), has distinguished himself by a very admirable theory respecting the earth. He conjectures that it was originally a chaotic comety which being selected for the abode of man, was removed from its eccentric orbit, and whirled round the sun in its present regular motion ; by which change of direction order succeeded to confusion in the arrangement of its component parts. The philosopher adds, that the deluge was produced by an uncourteous salute from the watery tail of another comet ; doubtless through sheer envy of its improved condition : thus furnishing a melancholy proof that jealousy may prevail even among the heavenly bodies, and discord interrupt that celestial harmony of the spheres, so melodiously sung by the poets.