The sheaf: or, The work of God in the soul; as illustrated in the personal experience of Mrs. Cordelia Thomas

Front matter

"N

1 Library of Congress. ™

1ST' i

Preface

The writer of the present little work, having some years since arrived at that stage of religious experience not unfrequently denominated "the rest of faith," begs leave to present herself before the reader with her " Sheaf," the first fruits of that ripened harvest which her soul has realized in its spiritual Canaan.

She has given a brief narration of her wanderings and haltings, before her goings were established in the highway of holiness, in hope that, while it may prove a warning to the inquirer after truth not to follow her example, it may also afford a ray of comfort to such as find themselves treading in an uncertain path.

She has been especially prompted to take her

pen, that she might bear testimony to those stages 1^

IV PREFACE.

of religious experience which follow that faith which establishes the soul in righteousness.

Believing that not a few have mistaken the beginnings of a life of faith for its maturity, and consequently have endured but for a season, she has wished to premonish the young pilgrim in the way of holiness, that the fight of faith is yet to come, and that, having girded on the armor, he is not to boast as he that puts it off. She has desired to speak a word of encouragement to such as are actually engaged in the heat of battle, by assuring them that there comes a period, not necessarily connected with the death of the body, when, with respect to wrestling with the carnal mind, or the life of self, it may be said the warfare is accomplished.

That He whose prerogative it is to guide into

all truth may bless the perusal of this sketch of

Christian experience to the good of the reader, is

the prayer of

THE AUTHOR.

Chapter I

First impressions of truth. — Convicted of sin at the age of six years. — Encouraged to pray for pardon. — Evidence of forgiveness. — The path of duty clearly indicated by the Spirit. — Failures in obedience. — Lack of religious instruction, and want of Christian sympathy. — No apology for backsliding. — Necessary aid always given. — The spiritual life the same in the child as in the adult. — Primary lessons of the Christian. — The present demand of the church and the world, 9

Chapter II

Resolved to return to the Lord. — Attended camp-meeting.

— Sought pardon. — Evidence of acceptance not satisfactory.

— Sought justification by the deeds of the law. — Convinced of the necessity of inward holiness. — Increasingly sensible of inward bondage. — Earnest desires for deliverance. — Went to R . — Obtained the blessing through faith, . 15

Chapter III

For nine years the position gained scarcely maintained. — Misapprehensions of the real stage of Christian experience attained. — Felt like a babe in Christ. — "Want of spiritual advisers. — Perplexed with various questions. — An exact something required. — Christ a patient teacher, . . . .30

VI CONTENTS.

Chapter IV

Outward privations. — Difficulties of circumstances. — Acquaintance with Christian friends. — Searched the Scriptures to find the true doctrine of the offices of the Comforter. — Led to discover the cause of previous failures. — Received the kingdom in its beginnings. — Found perfect rest, the fruit of perfect faith, 42

Chapter V

The Christian like a traveller. — Sometimes knows his precise position from having arrived at a given point. — Inclined to look upon past experience. — Wondered at the abundant yet unavailing toilings. — Retrospect of the ground already occupied. — Detained at the threshold of the kingdom of heaven, from not apprehending its nature.

— God can bless the haltings of some to the good of others.

— Precise boundaries to different stages of experience not easily described, 51

Chapter VI

The eye of faith turned within, to watch the workings of the Spirit. — Believed that he would work his wonders in his own way. — Read in the Scriptures the wonders wrought by the Spirit. — Saw that human wisdom must forever lie buried in the dust. — The Christian cheerfully descends, in order to exalt Christ. — The ultimate result which the soul must realize that becomes clay in the hands of an indwelling God. — The process through which it arrives at this result. — Saw as through a glass darkly what was to be ultimately realized, 61

Chapter VII

The manner in which God's work was made openly manifest, as, also, the way in which were shadowed forth both the suffering and the glory yet to be realized, 68

CONTENTS. VII

Chapter VIII

Called to leave first principles. — Days of spiritual desolation and sore conflict. — New test of obedience. — Suggestions of Satan. — Suffered no unnecessary pain. — Little variation of experience. — A gradual change. — Led to consider previous exercises. — Became inured to trial. — Increase of the spiritual life. — Indications of the nature and progress of the work. — Marked assurances of the fulfilment of a precious promise, 94

Chapter IX

Came to a complete triumph. — Was enabled to give an explicit testimony to the hidden workings of the Spirit. — Overshadowed with the exceeding glory of the presence of the Lord. — Spiritual communings. — A clear indication of a call from God. — Left home. — Seemed in more than Eden's garden. — The joy of the soul restored from the bondage of sin to the image of God, greater than Adam's in his primeval state. — Arrived at S. — Fulfilled the mission given. — Conscious of being made a sign to others, 113

Chapter X

Too much importance not to be attached to the manner of the Spirit's operations. — The varied condition of the soul at different stages of experience. — The soul that is in union with Christ in union with his purposes to others, . . .125

Chapter XI

Safety in submission to the teachings of the Spirit. — The Scriptures point to the Comforter, and its teachings lead to an inward kingdom. — Causes of ignorance in spiritual things. — Spiritual wickedness the great barrier in the way

VIII CONTENTS.

of the advancement of the church. — A day of triumph at hand, 142

Chapter XII

A word to Christ's little ones who have chosen him in poverty of spirit. — Zion already in beautiful garments, . . .151

THE SHEAF.

Chapter I

First impressions of truth. — Convicted of sin at the age of six years. — Encouraged to pray for pardon. — Evidence of forgiveness. — The path of duty clearly indicated by the Spirit. — Failures in obedience. — Lack of religious instruction, and want of Christian sympathy. — No apology for backsliding. — Necessary aid always given. — The spiritual life the same in the child as in the adult. — Primary lessons of the Christian. — The present demand of the church and the world.

Among my earliest recollections, I cannot refer to any period when I was not, to some extent, under the influence of religious truth. Early taught that " Man's chief end is to glorify God, and enjoy him forever," I regarded my Creator as a being of infinite perfections, hating sin and loving holiness ; rewarding obedience with eternal life, and disobedience with eternal death.

When about six years of age, the law of

God, early impressed on my heart, served as a school-master to bring me to Christ. Having deviated from the truth, I was made conscious that I was a sinner, and felt the wrath of God abiding on me. Though alone, the distress and anguish of my heart gave utterance to such cries as alarmed my friends, and led them, as they hastily entered the room where I was, to inquire the cause of my agitation. With wringing hands, which betokened the despair of my soul, I exclaimed, " I have told a lie ! I have told a lie!" With a soothing voice, my mother said, " Can you not pray to God for pardon? Pray to him and he will forgive you, for he has given his Son to die for sinners." I replied, "I do not know how to pray." " Do you not know the Lord's prayer?" said she. "Not the whole of it," was the answer; but anxious to make use of every possible means to escape from the wrath of God, I desired to repeat it after my eldest sister.

My father, having been sent for, came and engaged in prayer. I was sitting on the lap of an aunt. My father was making supplication to God on my behalf, when the tumult of my soul was hushed, and there was a great calm. I was as conscious of pardon as I had been of guilt. The name of Jesus was music to me in that hour, for until prayer was proposed I had not indulged a thought of forgiveness. For a time my peace and my love were constant. Happy would it have been for me, if from that hour I had been obedient to the light bestowed.

The downward tendencies of my nature choked the seed sown in my heart. A plain path was shown me, in which I might have walked, but the narrowness of the way made me afraid. The Spirit would have been a sure guide, had I obeyed him. When convicted that I had done wrong, he indicated to me that I ought at once to confess it to my friends, and ask them to pray for me. Here I faltered. The sins, of which I felt guilty, were not known to any one but myself. I thought it surpassing strange that after God had forgiven me once, I had dared to sin again. I thought that my friends would wonder at me if I confessed that I had again sinned, as they never intimated 2 that I was in any danger in this respect. Held back from obedience through fear and shame, I soon lost my heavenly peace. What a loss was that to me ! How often, in rny childhood, when the remembrance of my lost happiness haunted me in the silence of the night, have I indulged the vain wish that I had died in infancy, or just at that moment when God forgave me my sins! What years of sadness and regret were the years of my life's morning! How sunny they might have been, had I but consented to learn the lesson of obedience ! The buoyancy and frolicsomeness which characterize the child were little experienced by me. I was like a poor, lone, stray lamb, without a shepherd to call after me.

The friends who were acquainted with my religious experience, and were fully satisfied that it was the work of the Lord, seemed to feel no responsibility with reference to my case. Some of them regarded my conversion as an evidence that my stay on earth was short. While they were expecting that death would release me from the ills of life, a spiritual blight came over my soul.

I have not a reproachful word for those to whom I then looked for help, but found none. They would gladly have afforded the needed instruction, had they been competent to the task. Much as I once regretted that in my early experience there had been no one to act toward me the part of a spiritual adviser, I am now perfectly satisfied that Infinite Wisdom, knowing the exact place for which he designed me in his building, gave me at that time all the inward light and outward helps which were then necessary for the development of the Christian character.

The spiritual life is the same in the child as in the person of mature years. In view of this fact, I cannot but admire that wisdom which made thus early outward circumstances so advantageous to my learning these primary lessons of the Christian disciple, — entire dependence upon God, confidence in him, and obedience to him.

When I reflect that the present state of the church and the world demands experiericed and valiant soldiers, who will, if need be, go out alone, and stand up at God's command and do his bidding, my early lack of counsellors, upon whom I could lean for spiritual instruction, ceases to be a mystery.

Chapter II

Resolved to return to the Lord. — Attended camp-meeting.

— Sought pardon. — Evidence of acceptance not satisfactory.

— Sought justification by the deeds of the law. — Convinced of the necessity of inward holiness. — Increasingly sensible of inward bondage. — Earnest desires for deliverance. — Went to R . — Obtained the blessing through faith.

I lived a stranger to happiness until eleven years of age, when, becoming alarmed at my stupidity and hardness of heart, I resolved to return to the Lord.

As there was to be a camp-meeting in the

town of G , in this state, and as my

father and the older members of the family were designing to attend it, I thought that if I could obtain permission, I would go there, and there seek God.

A solemn awe pervaded my heart, as I entered upon the encampment. It being the first day of the meeting, but few persons were on the ground. I was attracted to a certain spot, near the preacher's stand, by the sound of vocal music. I approached, 2* and heard two female voices singing the following words:

" Happy children we shall be, Happy in eternity."

This seemed the chorus of their song, and served, by way of contrast, to deepen my sorrow. Early the next morning, I w T as invited by a friend to present myself at the altar of prayer as a seeker. After a little hesitancy, I complied, and commenced crying for mercy. I was exhorted to believe on the Lord Jesus Christ. I knew, indeed, that there was no other name through which I could be saved ; but how to exercise faith was a mysterious question. Instantly reverting to the time of previous pardon, I was unable in that instance to recall the act of faith. At that early period I had not learned to doubt. My mother had no sooner said, "Pray to God and he will forgive you,'' than I obeyed, and found pardon. But during the years of my disobedience unbelief had taken deep root in my heart.

I did endeavor to give myself to Christ, but had not a satisfactory evidence of acceptance. My effort to exercise faith was an effort to believe that I was accepted, rather than an effort to cease from self and rely on the atonement. The eye of my mind was thus diverted from looking to God as my only hope. I was conscious that I had not that sweet peace which I once had, when I rejoiced in a sense of pardon, but hoped that in the performance of Christian duties I should find spiritual comfort.

I examined myself as to the evidences of my being a Christian. Among the evidences which I thought I discovered were these : — a determination to forsake sin and lead a new life ; doing every known duty ; a love for God's people, preferring their society to that of others.

I ventured to make a profession of religion, realizing that it imposed upon me many obligations. These obligations I purposed to meet, but often failed. My religious history, for about five years, presents the picture of one under the law, acknowledging its outward claims, and seeking justification by outward services. I practised much selfdenial, performed many duties, and bore many crosses ; but they were of an outward character. I knew not the deeply inward claims of the law. True faith, an inseparable element of the spiritual life, was wanting.

My condition was the more deplorable because I knew not my danger. During this time, I was often the subject of deep emotions. I experienced much satisfaction in the consciousness of having performed those duties which I considered incumbent upon me. I often went to the prayer-meeting so burdened with the conviction that it was my duty to take a part in the exercises of the meeting, by speaking or praying, that I felt borne down by a weight which seemed well-nigh intolerable. Though I sometimes failed to meet my convictions of duty in this respect, I oftener met them, and in doing so the tide of emotional feeling flowed in another direction, and I became the subject of pleasurable emotions, which more than balanced the pain of my previous burden. I experienced much satisfaction in religious meditations. I loved to converse with death. The scenes of the judgment were often present to my imagination, as well as the delights of heaven and the miseries of hell. As a rational being, convinced that my soul's happiness and safety depended upon my giving myself to the service of the Lord, I was hearty and sincere in the attempt. I turned from the vanities and pleasures of the world without any regret. Indeed, I had never known much of what are generally considered its fascinations. I was, however, very early the subject of an ambition to become great, and to be ranked among the intellectually great and wise. For the accomplishment of my purpose I intended to make everything else subservient. Even piety itself seemed to possess additional charms, when I regarded it as desirable to make one wise.

I early made up my mind that I must be a Christian of no ordinary grade; — that generations yet unborn must be stimulated to deeds of noble daring, influenced by my example. This early ambition, deep-rooted, though unperceived, was as a canker-worm to my soul; but He, who has said that " except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven," was pleased by degrees to remove the scales from my eyes.

The reading of Mr. Wesley's Plain Account of Christian Perfection was made the instrument of convincing me of the necessity of Christian holiness. I resolved to seek it until I should find it. Ignorant of true faith, I sought this, as I had been accustomed to seek all spiritual good, by the performance of outward acts. My visits to my closet were more frequent. Many times in a day I retired for secret prayer ; but when with my lips I cried, " O Lord, sanctify my soul," my heart said, " It cannot be done now, — I cannot believe now, — I must wait until after years of faithful discharge of duty, before I can presume to expect so great a blessing."

I realized in a manner never before experienced the contamination of sin, and the odiousness of it in God's sight. Beset on every hand, in my feeble endeavors to resist it, I realized the truth of these words of the poet : —

" The more I strove against its power, I felt its weight and guilt the more."

Pride and anger were sins which easily beset me. I was frequently overcome by them to an extent that occasioned great mortification and sorrow. While I had rested in the form of godliness, the enemy had seen little occasion for disturbing my repose ; but as soon as God showed me what was in my heart, and I began to declare war against inward sin, I was like a house divided against itself. As I could not have victory without faith, in every contest I was overcome. I believed that there was help for me in Christ; and though the conflict seemed more and more severe, my determination to get the victory grew stronger and stronger. I was so bowed down under a sense of spiritual bondage, that often, in secret places, prostrating myself upon the floor, and not finding suitable words by which to utter my complaint, I endeavored, by deep groanings, to give vent to the sorrows of my heart.

After months of conflict, my heart was gladdened by hearing that a number of persons in the city of Rochester had experienced the blessing of sanctification. I immediately formed the purpose of visiting that place, hoping there to see some one who could teach me how to find that inestimable pearl.

At the close of the year 1830, 1 was found among the worshippers at the old brick

chapel, in the city of R . Though

twenty years since, I recollect well the subject of the sermon preached. It was an exposition of the dream of Nebuchadnezzar. I well remember with what thrilling delight I listened to the arguments of the speaker, as they were adduced to show the probability that we were on the eve of events that would introduce to our view that part of the vision represented by the mountain covering the wiiole earth.

Interested as I was in this to me favorite subject, there was one of far deeper and more absorbing interest, — that of personal holiness. My constant cry was, " Create in me a clean heart, O God ! " I could not bear to think of entering upon the duties of a new year without being made free in

Christ. I deprecated that bondage into which sin had brought me, and groaned for deliverance.

Hope began to spring up in my soul. I apprehended Christ as perfectly able and willing to save me, and was in constant expectation of feeling in my heart that the work was accomplished. Still the blessing tarried. I entered upon the new year, and was still a seeker. The day following was the Sabbath. Throughout the day I was continually looking within, that I might discover the first signal that should betoken the accomplishment of the work.

On Sunday evening, such was the intensity of my desire that I resolved that I would not sleep, but spend the night in prayer. The recollection of Jacob's wrestling with the angel had prompted me to this resolution. I took the Bible, and, kneeling before God, read, again and again, "Ask and ye shall receive, seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you. If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them 3 that ask him." I felt that these promises were for me, and tried to avail myself of their benefit. I read, again and again, the following hymn :

" Come, my God, the promise seal ! This mountain sin remove !

Now in my waiting soul reveal The virtue of thy love.

" I want thy life, thy purity,

Thy righteousness brought in ; I ask, desire, and trust in thee, To be redeemed from sin.

" For this, as taught by thee, I pray, And can no longer doubt ; Eemove from hence, to sin I say ; Be cast this moment out.

" Anger and sloth, desire and pride, This moment be subdued ; Be cast into the crimson tide Of my Redeemer's blood.

" Saviour, to thee my soul looks up ; My present Saviour thou ; In all the confidence of hope, I claim the blessing now.

" 'Tis done ; thou dost this moment save, With full salvation bless ; Redemption through thy blood I have, And spotless love and peace."

How much did I desire a present realization of all that is expressed in this hymn ! It was soon suggested that as Jacob wrestled all night with the angel, it would be presumption in me to think of being blessed before the break of day. " Surely you ought to be willing to wrestle all night, when good old Jacob did the same," said the tempter. When my willingness was to be tested, of course I must consent that the blessing should be deferred.

About five o'clock, ere the break of day, darkness came upon me. My shrinking flesh began to complain,

" And murmur to contend so long."

Almost discouraged, I retired to rest, but awoke, after a short sleep, with an unalterable determination to have the blessing, as I believed it was for me.

On that day, as I sat anxiously inquiring why the work of God was retarded, the following questions were proposed by the voice of the Spirit : Are you willing, for the sake of this inestimable pearl, to sell all that you have? Are you willing to meet the obligations involved in the reception of such a blessing? Will you acknowledge it to the church and the world? Do you believe that God is able and willing now to sanctify you ? Do you believe that now he does sanctify you ?

To all but the last inquiry I could give an affirmative answer. Increasing light beamed upon me here. I said, " What does the Lord require of me this moment, but inward holiness ? If he require this now, does he not require the faith requisite to this state now ? If it be my duty, is it not my privilege to have this faith ? " The truth at this moment flashed upon my mind. With a purpose as unalterable as that of the Medes and the Persians, I determined to go to my chamber, kneel before God, and put my trust in him before rising from my knees, though in the execution of my purpose it should cost me my life.

There was not, in this act, any purpose of bringing God to my terms. Exactly the reverse of this was the fact. It was bringing myself to his terms. With this vow upon me, I retired to the designated spot. My

RELIGIOUS EXPERlBtfCE. 27

adversary suggested that I had been presumptuous, if not impious, in making such a resolution, since I was so destitute of feeling. He suggested that, as I was in no struggle of soul, I was in no condition to receive the blessing; that the probability was that I should die or break my vow; that, at any rate, if I obtained the good I sought, it would cost me a desperate struggle.

Yielding to this last suggestion, as I was unwilling to break my vow or to die without the blessing, I commenced to struggle by crying aloud for mercy. My crying was so violent as to call to my help praying friends ; but I soon perceived that it was not importunity alone which moves the Friend of sinners.

Turning my eye to Christ, stopping my ears to every suggestion but that of the Spirit, I gazed upon the Victim of the cross with an imploring look, saying, in the language of the poet,

" Other refuge I have none, Hangs my helpless soul on thee."

"My Saviour, I trust in thee now; I 3* believe that thou savest me now" So intent was I in committing myself into the hands of Christ as my Saviour, that I lost all concern for anything else. Satisfied that he that believes is saved, I asked for no other evidence than faith, being assured that "he that belie veth hath the witness in himself. " Conscious, through the illumination of the Spirit, that I believed, I was just as conscious that I was saved; faith being "the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." I was not filled with ecstatic delight, but with

" That solemn awe that dares not move, And all the silent heaven of love."

Christ gave me rest in that hour. He took me out of the pit. A new song was put into my mouth. I declared to all around,

" This is the way I long have sought."

Returning home, I testified to the power of Jesus to save from all sin. The language of my heart was,

" Forever here my rest shall be, Close to thy bleeding side ; 'T is all my hope, and all my plea, For me the Saviour died."

No commandment was grievous, no duty was irksome. Christ's yoke was easy, and his burden light. Death and the grave were disarmed of their terrors.

Chapter III

For nine years the position gained scarcely maintained. — Misapprehensions of the real stage of Christian experience attained. — Felt like a babe in Christ. — Want of spiritual advisers. -— ■ Perplexed with various questions. — An exact something required. — Christ a patient teacher.

It will perhaps be surprising to the reader to learn that for about nine years I scarcely maintained the position now gained; that, instead of advancing, I revolved continually in the same circle.

I had learned one lesson which I could not forget. I had learned how to put my trust in God, but not how to keep it there. Continually laying the foundation, there was no opportunity of building thereon. Among the hindrances which opposed my progress were these : —

In the first place, I misapprehended my spiritual state, by supposing that I had arrived at a state of maturity as a Christian, when, in fact, I was a mere babe in Christ.

Not that I supposed that I should cease to grow in grace. On the contrary, I expected a rapid growth. But the fact that the mass of professing Christians seemed quite content without even aiming at entire consecration, had a tendency to make me mistake my true position. I knew that they regarded those that professed that the blood of Christ had cleansed them from all sin as making great professions. I was jealous for the honor of God, and this was to me an absorbing question, — How shall I meet my responsibilities in such a way as to evince to others that God has wrought in me this great deliverance ?