Manners and social usages

Front matter

A A J)

SOCIAL U5AGE5

Cliap.rr.... Copyright No..

Preface

There is no country where there are so many people asking what is " proper to do," or, indeed, where there are so many genuinely anxious to do the proper thing, as in the vast conglomerate which we call the United States of America. The newness of our country is perpetually renewed by the sudden making of fortunes, and by the absence of a hereditary, reigning set. There is no aristocracy here which has the right and title to set the fashions.

But a " reigning set," whether it depend upon hereditary right or adventitious wealth, if it be possessed of a desire to lead and a disposition to hospitality, becomes for a period the dictator of fashion to a large number of lookers-on. The travelling world, living far from great centres, goes to Newport, Saratoga, New York, Washington, Philadelphia, Boston, and gazes on what is called the latest American fashion. This, though exploited by what we may call for the sake of distinction the " newer set," is influenced and shaped in some degree by people of native refinement and taste, and that wide ex*

4 PKEFACE.

perience which is gained by travel and association with broad and cultivated minds. They counteract the tendency to vulgarity, which is the great danger of a newly launched society, so that our social condition improves, rather than retrogrades, with every decade.

There may be many social purists who will disagree with us in this statement. Men and women educated in the creeds of the Old World, with the good blood of a long ancestry of quiet ladies and gentlemen, find modern American society, particularly in New York and at Newport, fast, furious, and vulgar. There are, of course, excesses com mitted everywhere in the name of fashion ; but we cannot see that they are peculiar to America. We can only answer that the creed of fashion is one of perpetual change. There is a Council of Trent, we may say, every five years, perhaps even every two years, in our new and changeful country, and we learn that, follow as we may either the grand old etiquette of England or the more gay and shifting social code of France, we still must make an original etiquette of our own. Our political system alone, where the lowest may rise to the highest preferment, upsets in a measure all that the Old World insists upon in matters of precedence and formality. Certain immutable principles remain common to all elegant people who assume to gather society about them, and who wish to enter its portals ; the absentminded scholar from his library should not ignore

PREFACE.

them, the fresh young farmer from the countryside feels and recognizes their importance. If we are to live together in unity we must make society a pleasant thing, we must obey certain formal rules, and these rules must conform to the fashion of the period.

And it is in no way derogatory to a new country like our own if on some minor points of etiquette we presume to differ from the older world. We must fit our garments to the climate, our manners to our fortunes and to our daily lives. There are, however, faults and inelegancies of which foreigners accuse us which we may do well to consider. One of these is the greater freedom allowed in the manners of our young women — a freedom which, as our New World fills up with people of foreign birth, cannot but lead to social disturbances. Other national faults, which English writers and critics kindly point out, are our bumptiousness, our spread-eagleism, and our too great familiarity and lack of dignity, etc.

Instead of growing angry over these criticisms, perhaps we might as well look into the matter dispassionately, and see if we cannot turn the advice in some degree to our advantage. We can, however, decide for ourselves on certain points of etiquette which we borrow from nobody ; they are a part of our great nation, of our republican institutions, and of that continental hospitality which gives a home to the Russ, the German, the Frenchman, the Irishman, and the "heathen Chinee." A somewhat wide and elastic code, as boundless as the prairies, can alone meet the needs of these different citizens. The old traditions of stately manners, so common to the Washington and Jefferson days, have almost died out here, as similar manners have died out all over the world. The war of 1861 swept away what little was left of that once important American fact — a grandfather. We began all over again ; and now there comes up from this newer world a flood of questions : How shall we manage all this ? How shall we use a fork 1 When w T ear a dress-coat ? How and when and on whom shall we leave our cards? How long and for whom shall we wear mourning? What is the etiquette of a wedding? How shall we give a dinner-party I The young house-keeper of Kansas writes as to the manners she shall teach to her children ; the miner's wife, having become rich, asks how she shall arrange her house, call on her neighbors, write her letters? Many an anxious girl writes as to the propriety of "driving out with a gentleman," etc. In fact, there is one great universal question, What is the etiquette of good society? Not a few people have tried to answer these questions, and have broken down in the attempt. Many have made valuable manuals, as far as they went; but writers on etiquette commonly fail, for one or two different reasons. Many attempt ta write who know nothing of good society by experience, and their books are full of ludicrous errors

PREFACE.

Others have had the disadvantage of knowing too much, of ignoring the beginning of things, of supposing that the person who reads will take much for granted. For a person who has an intuitive knowledge of etiquette, who has been brought up from his mother's knee in the best society, has always known what to do, how to dress, to whom to bow, to write in the simplest way about etiquette would be impossible ; he would never know how little the reader, to whose edification he waa addressing himself, knew of the matter.

If, however, an anxious inquirer should write and ask if " mashed potato must be eaten with a knife or a fork," or if " napkins and finger-bowls can be used at breakfast," those questions he can answer.

It is with an effort to answer thousands of these questions, written in good faith to Harpers Bazar \ that this book is undertaken. The simplicity, the directness, and the evident desire " to improve," which characterize these anonymous letters, are all much to be commended. Many people have found themselves suddenly conquerors of material wealth, the most successful colonists in the world, the heirs of a great inheritance, the builders of a new empire. There is a true refinement manifested in their questions. Not only do men and women like to behave properly themselves, but all desire to know what is She best school of manners, that they may educate their children therein. Such minds are the best conservators of law and order. It is not a commit nistic spirit that asks, " How can I do this thing in a better way f" it is that wise and liberal conservatism which includes reverence for law, respect for age, belief in religion, and a desire for a refined society. A. book on etiquette, however patiently considered and honestly written, must have many shortcomings, and contain disputed testimony. All we can do is endeavor to mention those fashions and customs which we believe to be the best, remembering always, as we have said, that the great law of change goes on forever — that our stately grandfathers had fashions which we should now consider gross and unbecoming, while we have customs, particularly of speech, which would have shocked them. This law of change is not only one which time modifies, but with us the South, the North, the East, and the West differ as to certain points of etiquette. All, however, agree in saying that there is a good society in America whose mandates are supreme. All feel that the well-bred man or woman is a "recognized institution." Everybody laughed at the mistakes of Daisy Miller, and saw wherein she and her mother were wrong. Independent American girls may still choose to travel without a chaperon, but they must be prepared to fight a well-founded prejudice if they do. There is a recognition of the necessity of good manners, and a profound conviction, let us hope, that a graceful manner is the outcropping of a welt regulated mind and of a good heart.

Preface To The Fourth Edition

After the ten years which have passed over the life of this book, so kindly received by the American public, I find in it little to change. " The fashion of this world passeth away," but the principles which govern society and good-breeding are eternal and immutable. A well-bred lady who entered society with Queen Victoria fifty-three years ago, could she have been put into a Rip-Van-Winkle sleep and suddenly awakened in the most fashionable circles of to-day, would not find herself rococo as to her cards, her note-paper, her acceptance of invitations, or her manner of entertaining. Indeed, she would be more an fait, to use the polite language of France, than many of her nouveauxriches entertainers, for she would have learned the language of etiquette in a thorough school, which very few of them have done. She would find a luxury in New York which would astonish and fatigue her, and it is possible that, sitting down to a dinner of two hundred people at a hotel, given by a fashionable hostess, she might miss the individual compliment of the dinner of sixteen or 1 twenty which used to be given to her. We doubt if she would enjoy the dinner-dance, a combination by which one hundred and fifty people dine at each others* houses, to meet for a dance afterwards. She might find it stiff, formal, and fatiguing, or else profoundly uninteresting, as each party had seen quite enough of the other, and had talked out the much-overfreighted next-door neighbor ; consequently the pleasure of having excluded some lesser circle being a negative instead of a positive pleasure, ennui would set in with benumbing paralysis.

The great mistake in American society is the overflow of hospitality, the "great too -much," and an ignorant struggle for precedence, the absence of " drill," such as that of which Mr. Webster speaks of in English society, as having " been attained by much thought." Hence comes a sort of incoherent gayety, a constant change of base among so-called leaders, an ingratitude and bad temper on the part of the guests.

No aristocracy can be founded on money alone. Good-breeding, politeness, a pleasant manner, and a mutual respect should bind together host and guest.

But we must be proud of the best, and that is very good. Among the improvements over the past we must mention the growing taste shown by our rich people for living in the country. Around New York we have Tuxedo, Long Island, West-

Chester, and the ever - beautiful Hudson, along whose banks the noble old houses again resound with the merriment of house-parties. Chicago has its Lake Geneva and a dozen other beautiful retreats. The rich people of Cleveland and Pittsburg live like English lords just outside of their prosperous cities. So with Philadelphia and Boston. The town is getting to be, like London, only a place where one passes the season.

From this delightful change, so valuable to health, so productive of a love of the natural pleasures of the country, shall we gain, it is to be hoped, a great physical improvement in the next generation. Did there not come in here one of our growing national troubles, the difficulty of procuring good servants, we could write many a chapter on the " House Party," that most agreeable method of entertaining. Many are the letters addressed to me by young housewives, asking how they can manage to entertain a party of six when the cook threatens to leave by the next train. As well propose to bring a ship across the ocean with no one aboard who understands navigation ! Indeed, all house-keeping in the rural districts must be done by dead reckoning. Until we can conquer this dreadful and unnecessary obstruction we cannot hope to rival the English hostess who has a house-keeper and from twenty to forty well-trained servants.

Many people who have been good enough to buy this book, "Manners and Social Usages," are. in the habit of writing to me, telling me of difficulties I have not solved and of questions I have not answered. On the very interesting subject of marriage I am often asked, " Which is the more fashionable, one maid of honor to precede the bride, or six bridesmaids V 9 I can only say it is a matter of taste. Both are equally fashionable. Again, another question which it is impossible to answer is, " Shall the bridegroom stay at the house of the bride before marriage V 3 This is also a question of latitude and longitude. In England and New England it would be considered " very bad form," but in some parts of our country it might be convenient and proper. And so on. There are thousands of unanswerable questions, especially this one, " What entertainment shall I offer to my guests V 9 Who can decide that but yourself ?

Therefore all people must use their own common-sense (and Americans have a great deal of that) in the settlement of many questions which come up daily and w T hich no book of etiquette can determine for them; but there are certain laws which are immutable.

The allusions to dress, scattered here and there, are now somewhat obsolete, but they will have more and more value as time goes on, as we shall in the future be glad to know what we wore in 1884. How amusing it is to find the " slightly epauletted sleeve" referred to. This was the

"Declaration of Independence" took so much pains to discard ?

Our patents of nobility are talent and character : talent illuminating character, character supporting and strengthening talent. We need no other emblazonment. American ladies can have their diamonds arranged in original and becoming fashion. They have, however, no right to wear the diadem of a princess or the strawberry leaves of a duchess. Let them study the science of heraldry and they will see why.

Good manners and decent social usages demand that we should imitate all that is elegant and refined and beautiful in our foreign neighbors. They have perfected social etiquette by the labor of a thousand years. They make everything run smoothly in the social grooves ; while with us the heavily -freighted coach runs roughly, and, with an inexperienced coachman, sometimes tips over.

But, while we have copied their graces, do not let us be betrayed into stealing their armorial bearings, their coronets, or their initials ; we might as well steal their silver spoons. And the whispering behind the hand at the musicale given by a new entertainer, the remarks afterwards, the sniffs and the sneers, these are not etiquette ; they betray ignorance, and hard heart, and envy and jealousy.

The child of the desert, the Arab on his flying steed, whispers, " He whose salt I have eaten, he is my friend ; let him be forever sacred." Let us go to him for a lesson in etiquette when, after receiving a woman's hospitality, we then wish to laugh at her.

Everything that is well done requires study, thought, effort. Somebody defines genius as only an admirable capability for " taking pains."

So it is with society. But unless the painstaking is done on a foundation of truth, self-respect, and a good heart, it is a very poor structure. It is like those sticks which are run up for fireworks — very brilliant while the glamour is on them, but very unsightly the next morning.

No society can prosper which is founded on ignorance, pretension, vulgarity, or mere wealth.

Let us borrow again — this time a beautiful thought. The dead laureate, Tennyson, who has said more good things than any man but our own Emerson, gives us this :

"Kind hearts are more than coronets,

And simple faith than Norman blood."

Mary E. W. Sherwood.

Contents

CHAPTER PA8B

I. Women as Leaders * 13

II. Optional Civilities 29

Chapter I. Women As Leaders

Nothing strikes the foreigner so much (since the days of De Tocqueville, the first to mention it) as the prominent position of woman in the best society of America. She has almost no position in the political world. She is not a leader, an intrigante in politics, as she is in France. We have no Madame de Stael, no Princess Belgioso, here to make and unmake our Presidents ; but women do all the social work, which in Europe is done not only by women, but by young bachelors and old ones, statesmen, princes, ambassadors, and attaches. Officials are connected with every Court whose business it is to visit, write and answer invitations, leave cards, call, and perform all the multifarious duties of the social world.

In America, the lady of the house does all this. Her men are all in business or in pleasure, her sons are at work or off yachting. They cannot spend time to make their dinner calls — "Mamma, please leave my cards " is the legend written on their banners.

Thus to women, as the conductors of social poli-

14 MANNEKS AND SOCIAL USAGES.

tics, is committed the card — that pasteboard protocol, whose laws are well defined in every land but our own.

Now, in ten different books on etiquette which we have consulted we find ten different opinions upon the subject of first calls, as between two women. We cannot, therefore, presume to decide where so many doctors disagree, but give the commonly received opinions as expressed by the customs of New York society.

When should a lady call first upon a new and a desirable acquaintance? Not hastily. She should have met the new and desirable acquaintance, should have been properly introduced, should feel sure that her acquaintance is desired. The oldest resident, the one most prominent in fashion, should call first ; but, if there is no such distinction, two women need not forever stand at bay each waiting for the other to call. A very admirable and polite expedient has been substituted for a first call — in the sending out of cards, for several days in the month, by a lady who wishes to begin her social life, we will say, in a new city. These may or may not be accompanied by the card of some well-known friend. If these cards bring the desired visits or the cards of the desired guests, the beginner may feel that she has started on her society career with no loss of self-respect. Those who do not respond are generally in a minority. Too much haste in making new acquaintances, however — "pushing," as it is called — cannot be too much deprecated.

First calls should be returned within a week. If a lady is invited to any entertainment by a new ac«

FIRST CALLS. 15

quaintance, whether the invitation come through a friend or not, she should immediately leave cards, and send either a regret or an acceptance. To lose time in this matter is a great rudeness. Whether she attend the entertainment or not, she should call after it within a week. Then, having done all that is polite, and having shown herself a woman of good-breeding, she can keep up the acquaintance or not as she pleases. Sometimes there are reasons why a lady does not wish to keep up the acquaintance, but she must not, for her own sake, be oblivious to the politeness extended. Some very rude people in New York have sent back invitations, or failed to recognize the first attempt at civility, saying, "We don't know the people." This is not the way to discourage unpleasant familiarity. In New York, Boston, and Philadelphia, and in the large cities of the West, and generally in the country towns, residents call first upon new-comers ; but in Washington this custom is reversed, and the new-comer calls first upon the resident. Every one — officials of the highest down to the lowest grade — returns these cards. The visitor generally finds himself invited to the receptions of the President and his Cabinet, etc. This arrangement is so convenient that it is a thousand pities it does not go into operation all over the country, particularly in those large cities where the resident cannot know if her dearest friend be in town unless informed in some such way of the fact.

This does not, as might be supposed, expose society to the intrusion of unwelcome visitors. Tact, which is the only guide through the mazes of society, will enable a woman to avoid anything like an unwelcome intimacy or a doubtful acquaintance, even if such a person should "call first."

Now the question comes up, and here doctors disagree : When may a lady call by proxy, or when may she send her card, or when must she call in person ?

After a dinner-party a guest must call in person and inquire if the hostess is at home. For other entertainments^ it is allowed, in New York, that the lady call by proxy, or that she simply send her card. In sending to inquire for a person's health, cards may be sent by a servant, with a kindly message.

No first visit should, however, be returned by card only; this would be considered a slight, unless followed by an invitation. The size of New York, the great distances, the busy life of a woman of charities, large family, and immense circle of acquaintances may render a personal visit almost impossible. She may be considered to have done her duty if she in her turn asks her new acquaintance to call on her on a specified day, if she is not herself able to call.

Bachelors should leave cards (if they ever leave any) on the master and mistress of the house, and, in America, upon the young ladies. A gentleman does not turn down the corners of his card — indeed, that fashion has become almost obsolete, except, perhaps, where a lady wishes it distinctly understood that she has called in person. The plainer the card the better. A small, thin card for a gentleman, not glazed, with his name in small script and his address well engraved in the corner, is in good taste. A lady's card should be larger, but not glazed or ornamented in any way. It is a rule with sticklers for good-breeding that after

FOREIGN ETIQUETTE. 1*7

any entertainment a gentleman should leave his card in person, although, as we have said, he often commits it to some feminine agency.

No gentleman should call on a lady unless she asks him to do so, or unless he brings a letter of introduction, or unless he is taken by a lady who is sufficiently intimate to invite him to call. A lady should say to a gentleman, if she wishes him to call, "I hope that we shall see you," or, " I am at home on Monday," or something of that sort. If he receives an invitation to dinner or to a ball from a stranger, he is bound to send an immediate answer, call the very next day, leave his card, and then to call after the entertainment.

This, at least, is foreign etiquette, and we cannot do better than import it. This rule holds good for the entertainments of bachelors, who should leave their cards on each other after an entertainment, unless the intimacy is so great that no card-leaving is expected.

When a lady returns to town, after an absence in Europe or in the country, it is strict etiquette that she should leave cards on all her acquaintances and friends if she expects to entertain or to lead a gay, social winter; but as distances in our great cities are formidable, as all ladies do not keep a carriage, as most ladies have a great deal else to do besides making visits, this long and troublesome process is sometimes simplified by giving a tea or a series of teas, which enables the lady, by staying at home on one evening of a week, or two or three afternoons of a month, to send out her cards to that effect, and to thus show her friends that she at least remembers them. As society and card-leaving thus become rapidly complicated, a lady 2 should have a visiting- book, into which her list is carefully copied, with spaces for days and future engagements.

A servant must be taught to receive the cards at the door, remember messages, and recollect for whom they are left, as it is not proper in calling upon Mrs. Brown at a private house to write her name on your card. At a crowded hotel this may be allowed, but it is not etiquette in visiting at private houses. In returning visits, observe the exact etiquette of the person who has left the first card. A call must not be returned with a card only, or a card by a call. If a person send you a card by post, return a card by post ; if a personal visit is made, return it by a personal visit; if your acquaintance leave cards only, without inquiring if you are at home, return the same courtesy. If she has left the cards of the gentlemen of her family, return those of the gentlemen of your family.

A young lady's card should almost always be accompanied by that of her mother or her chaperon. It is well, on her entrance into society, that the name of the young lady be engraved on her mother's card. After she has been out a year, she may leave her own card only. Here American etiquette begins to differ from English etiquette. In London, on the other hand, no young lady leaves her card : if she is motherless, her name is engraved beneath the name of her father, and the card of her chaperon is left with both until she becomes a maiden lady of somewhat mature if uncertain age.

It is rare now to see the names of both husband

VISITING- CARDS. 1 9

and wife engraved on one card, as "Mr. and Mrs. Brown." The lady has also her own card, "Mrs. Octavius Brown," or with the addition, " The Misses Brown." Her husband has his separate card; each of the sons has his own card. No titles are used on visiting-cards in America, save military, naval, of judicial ones; and, indeed, many of our most distinguished judges have had cards printed simply with the name, without prefix or affix. "Mr. Webster," "Mr. Winthrop," "Henry Clay" are well-known instances of simplicity. But a woman must always use the prefix " Mrs." or " Miss." A gentleman may or may not use the prefix "Mr.," as he pleases, but women must treat themselves with more respect. No card is less proper than one which is boldly engraved " Gertrude F. Brown ;" it should be "Miss Gertrude F. Brown."

A married lady always bears her husband's name, during his life, on her card. Some discussion is now going on as to whether she should continue to call herself "Mrs. Octavius Brown" or "Mrs. Mary Brown" after his death. The burden of opinion is in favor of the latter — particularly as a son may bear his father's name, so there will be two Mrs. Octavius Browns. No lady wishes to be known as " old Mrs. Octavius Brown," and as we do not use the convenient title of Dowager, we may as well take, the alternative of the Christian name. We cannot say "Mrs. Octavius Brown, Jr., if the husband has ceased to be a junior. Many married ladies hesitate *to discard the name by which they have always been known. Perhaps the simple "Mrs. Brown" is the best, after all. No lady should leave cards upon an unmarried gentleman, except in the case of his having given entertainments at which ladies were present. Then the lady of the house should drive to his door with the cards of herself and family, allowing the footman to leave them.

The young ladies' names, in such a case as this, should be engraven on their mother's card.

" We have no leisure class," as Henry James says in his brilliant " International Episode ;" but still young men should try to make time to call on those who entertain them, showing by some sort of personal attention their gratitude for the politeness shown them. American young men are, as a rule, very remiss about this matter of calling on the hostess whose hospitality they accept.

A gentleman should not call on a young lady without asking for her mother or her chaperon. Nor should he leave cards for her alone, but always leave one for her mother.

Ladies can, and often do, write informal invitations on the visiting-card. To teas, readings, and small parties, may be added the day of reception. It is convenient and proper to send these cards by post. Everything can be sent by post now, except an invitation to dinner, and that must always be sent by private hand, and an answer must be immediately returned in the same formal manner.