Knickerbocker's history of New York : complete

Front matter

SEYMOUR DURST

When you leave, please leave this hook

Because it has heen said "Ever'thing comes t' him who waits

Chapter I

According to the best authorities, the world in which we dwell is a huge, opaque, reflecting, inanimate mass, floating in the rast ethereal ocean of infinite space. It has the form of an orange, being an oblate spheroid, curiously flattened at opposite parts, for the insertion of two imaginary poles, which are supposed to penetrate and unite at the centre ; thus forming an axis on which the mighty orange turns with a regular diurnal revolution.

The transitions of light and darkness, whence proceed the alternations of day and night, are produced by this diurnal revolution successively presenting the different parts of the earth to the rays of the sun. The latter is, according to the best, that is to say, the latest, accounts' a luminous or fiery body, of a prodigious magnitude, from which this world is driven by a centrifugal or repelling power, and to which it is drawn by a centripetal or attractive force ; otherwise called the attraction of gravitation ; the combination, or rather the counteraction, of these two opposing impulses producing a circular and annual reyolution. Hence result the different

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seasons of the year — viz., spring, summer, autumn, and winter.

This I believe to be the most approved modern theory on the subject ; though there be many philosophers who have entertained very different opinions ; some, too, of them entitled to much deference from their great antiquity and illustrious characters. Thus it was advanced by some of the ancient sages that the earth was an extended plain, supported by vast pillars ; and by others that it rested on the head of a snake, or the back of a huge tortoise ; but as they did not provide a resting place for either the pillars or the tortoise, the whole theory fell to the ground for want of proper foundation.

The Brahmins assert, that the heavens rest upon the earth, and the sun and moon swim therein like fishes in the water, moving from east to west by day, and gliding along the edge of the horizon to their original stations during night ; * while, according to the Pauranicas of India, it is a vast plain, encircled by seven oceans of milk, nectar, and other delicious liquids ; that it is studded with seven mountains, and ornamented in the centre by a mountainous rock of burnished gold ; and that a great dragon occasionally swallows up the moon, which accounts for the phenomena of lunar eclipses.f

Beside these, and many other equally sage opinions, we have the profound conjectures of Aboul-Hassan-Aly, eon of Al Khan, son of Aly, son of Abderrahman, son of Abdallah, son of Masoud-el-IIadheli, who is commonly called Masoudi, and surnamed Cothbeddin, but who takes the humble title of Laheb-ar-rasoul, which means the companion of the ambassador of G-od. He has written a universal history, entitled, " Mouroudge-ed-dharab, or the Godlen. Meadows, and the Mines of Precious Stones. J In

• Faria y Souza; Mick. Lus. note b. 7 t Sir W. Jones, Diss. Antiq. Ind. Zed. t MSS. Bibliot. Hoi, Fr.

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this valuable work he has related the history of the world, from the creation down to the moment of writing ; which was under the Khaliphat of Mothi Billah, in the month Dgioumadi-el-aoual of the 336th year of the Hcgira or flight of the Prophet. He informs us that the earth is a huge bird, Mecca and Medina constitute the head, Persia and India the right wing, the land of G-og the left wing, and Africa the tail. He informs us, moreiver, that an earth has existed before the present (which he considers as a mere chicken of 7,000 years), that it has undergone divers deluges, and that, according to the opinion of some well-informed Brahmins of his acquaintance, it will be renovated every seventy thousandth hazarouam ; each hazarouam consisting of 12,000 years.

These are a few of the many contradictory opinions of philosophers concerning the earth, and we find that the learned have had equal perplexity as to the nature of the sun. Some of the ancient philosophers have affirmed that it is a vast wheel of brilliant fire ; * others that it is merely a mirror or sphere of transparent crystal ; f and a third class, at the head of whom stands Anaxagoras, maintained that it was nothing but a huge ignited mass of iron or stone — indeed he declared the heavens to be merely a vault of stone — and that the stars were stones whirled upward from the earth, and set on fire by the velocity of its revolutions. J But I give little attention to the doctrines of this philosopher, the people of Athens having fully refuted them by banishing him from their city ; a concise mode of answering unwelcome doctrines, much resorted to in former days. Another sect of philosophers do declare, that certain fiery particles exhale

* Plutarch de Plac. Philos. lib. ii. cap. 20.

t Achill. Tat. isag. cap. 19; Ap. Petav. t lii. p. 81; Stob. Eclog. Phys. lib. i. p. 66 ; Plut. de Plac. Philos.

X Diogenes Laertius in Anaxag. 1. ii. sec. 8 ; Plat. Apol..t. i. p. 20; Mut. de Plac. Philos. ; Xenoph. Mem. L iv. p 816.

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constantly from the earth, which, concentratincr in a single point of the fii-mament by day, constitute the sun, but being scattered and rambling about in the dark at night, collect in various points, and form stars. These are regularly burnt out and extinguished, not unlike to the lamps in our streets, and require a fresh supply of exhalations for the next occasion.*

It is even recorded that at certain remote and obscure periods, in consequence of a great scarcity of fuel, the sun has been completely burnt out, and sometimes not re kindled for a month at a time. A most melancholy circumstance, the very idea of which gave vast concern to Heraclitus, that worthy weeping philosopher of antiquity. In addition to these various speculations, it was the opinion of Herschel that the sun is a magnificent, habitable abode ; the light it furnishes arising from certain empyreal, luminous or phosphoric clouds, swimming in its transparent atmosphere.f

But we will not enter further at present into the nature of the sun, that being an inquiry not immediatelv necessary to the development of this history ; neither will we embroil ourselves in any more of the endless disputes of philosophers touching the form of this glohe, huz content ourselves with the theory advanced in the beginning of this chapter, and will proceed to illustrate by experiment the complexity of motion therein ascribed to this our rotatory planet.

Professor Von Poddingcoft (or Puddinghead, as the name may be rendered into English) was long celebrated in the University of Leyden for profound gravity of deportment and a talent at going to sleep in the midst of examinations, to the infinite relief of his hopeful students.

• Aristot. Meteor. 1. ii. c. 2 ; Idem Prohl. sec. 15 ; Stob. Eel. Phys. L L p. 55 ; Bruck. Hist. Phil. t. i. p.. 1154, &c.

t Pliilos. Trans. 1795, p. 72 ; Idem. 1801, p. 265 ; Nioh. PhUos. Journ. i. p. IS.

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who thereby worked their way through college with great ease and little study. In the course of one of his lectures, the learned professor seizing a bucket of water swung it around his head at arm's length. The impulse with which he threw the vessel from him, being a centrifugal force, the retention of his arm operating as a centripetal power, and the bucket, which was a substitute for the earth, describing a circular orbit round about the globular head and ruby visage of Professor Von Poddingcof t, which formed no bad representation of the sun. All of these particulars were duly explained to the class of gaping students around him. He apprised them moreover, that the same principle of gravitation which retained the water in the bucket restrains the ocean from fijdng from the earth in its rapid revolutions ; and he farther informed them that should the motion of the earth be suddenly checked, it would incontinently fall into the snn, through the centripetal force of gravitation : a most ruinous event to this planet, and one which would also obscure, though it most probably would not extruguish, the solar luminary. An unlucky stripling, one ol' those vagrant geniuses who seem sent into the world morely to annoy worthy men of the puddinghead order, desirous of ascertaining the correctness of the experiment, suddenly arrested the arm of the professor just at the moment that the bucket was in its zenith, which immediately descended with astonishing precision upon the philosophic head of the instructor of youth. A hollow sound, and a red-hot hiss, attended the contact ; but the theory was in the amplest manner illustrated, for the unfortunate bucket perished in the conflict ; but the blazing countenance of Professor Von Poddingcoft em&rged from amidst the waters, glowing fiercer than ever with unutterable indignation, whereby the students were marvellously edified, and departed considerably wiser than before.

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It is a mortifying circumstance, -wMcli greatly perplexes many a painstaking pliilosoplier, that nature often refuses to second Ms most profound and elaborate efforts ; so that often after having invented one of the most ingenious and natural theories imaginable, she will have the perverseness to act directly in the teeth of his system, and flatly contradict his most favourite positions. This is a manifest and unmerited grievance, since it throws the censure of the vulgar and unlearned entirely upon the philosopher ; whereas the fault is not to be ascribed to his theory, which is unquestionably correct, but to the waywardness of Dame Nature, who, with the proverbial fickleness of her sex, is continually indulging in coquetries and caprices, and seems leally to take pleasure in violating all philosophic rules, and jilting the most learned and indefatigable of her adorers. Thus it happened with respect to the foregoing satisfactory explanation of the motion of our planet ; it appears that the centrifugal force has long since ceased to operate, while its antagonist remains in undiminished potency : the world, therefore, according to the theory as it originally stood, ought in strict propriety to tumble into the sun ; philosophers were convinced that it would do so, and awaited in anxious impatience the fulfilment of their prognostics. But the untoward planet pertinaciously continued her course, notwithstanding that she had reason, philosophy, and a whole university of learned professors opposed to her conduct. The philosophers took this in very ill part, and it is thought they would never have pardoned the slight and affront which they conceived put upon them by the world had not a good-natured professor kindly ofiiciated as a mediator between the parties, and effected a reconciliation.

Finding the world would not accommodate itself to the theory, he wisely determined to accommodate the theory to the world ; he therefore informed his brother

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pMlosopliers that tlie circular motion of the earth round the sun was no sooner engendered by the conflicting impulses above described than it became a regular revolution independent of the causes which gave it origin. His learned brethren readily joined in the opinion, being heartily glad of any explanation that would decently extricate them from their embarrassment ; and ever since that memorable era the world has been left to take her own course, and to revolve around the sun in such orbit as she thinks proper.

Chapter II

Having thus briefly introduced my reader to the world, and given him some idea of its form and situation, he will naturally be curious to know from whence it came, and how it was created. And, indeed, the clearing up of these points is absolutely essential to my history, inasmuch as if this world had not been formed, it is more than probable that this renowned island, on which is situated the city of New York, would never have had an existence. The regular course of my history, therefore, requires that I should proceed to notice the cosmogony or formation of this our globe.

And now I give my readers fair warning that I am about to plunge, for a chapter or two, into as complete a labyrinth as ever historian was perplexed withal ; therefore I advise them to take fast hold of my skirts, and keep close at my heels, venturing neither to the right hand nor to the left, lest they get bemired in a slough of unintelligible learning, or have their brains knocked out by some of those hard G-reek names which will be flj^ing about in all directions. But should any of them be too indolent or chicken-hearted to accompany me in this perilous undertaking, they had better take a short cut round, and wait for me at the beginning of some smoother chapter.

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Of the creation of the world we have a thousand contradictory accounts ; and though a very satisfactory one is furnished us by divine revelation, yet every philosopher feels himself in honour bound to furnish us with a better. As an impartial historian, I consider it my duty to notice their several theories, by which mankind have been so exceedingly edified and instructed.

Thus it was the opinion of certain ancient sages, that the earth and the whole system of the universe was the Deity himself ; * a doctrine most strenuously maintained by Zenophanes and the whole tribe of Eleatics, as also by Strabo and the sect of peripatetic philosophers. Pythagoras likewise inculcated the famous numerical systemof the monad, dyad, and triad ; and by means of his sacred quaternary, elucidated the formation of the world, the arcana of nature, and the principles both of music and morals, f Other sages adhered to the mathematical system of squares and triangles ; the cube, the pyramid, and the sphere ; the tetrahedron, the octahedron, the icosahedron, and the dodecahedron. J While others advocated the great elementary theory, which refers the construction of our globe and all that it contains to the combinations of four material elements, air, earth, fire, and water ; with the assistance of a fifth, an immaterial and vivifying principle.

Nor must I omit to mention the great atomic system taught by old Moschus before the siege of Troy ; revived by Democritus of laughing memory ; improved by Epicurus, that king of good fellows ; and modernised by the fanciful Descartes. But I decline inquiring, whether flie atoms, of which the earth is said to be composed, are

• Aristot. ap. Cic. lib. i. cap. 3.

t Aristot. Metaph. lib. i. c. 5 ; Idem, de Coelo, 1. iil. c. 1 ; Rousiieaa mem. sur Musique aneien. p. 39 ; Plutarch de Plac. Phlloa. lib. i. cap. 3.

i Tim. Locr. ap. Plato, t. ill. p. 90.

L

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eternal or recent ; ■wheth.er they are animate or inanimate ; v\ iiecher, agreeably, to tlie opinion of Atheists, they were fortuitously aggregated, or, as the Theists maintain, were arranged by a supreme intelligence.* "V^Tiether, in fact, the earth be an insensate clod, or whether it be animated by a soul,f which opinion was strenuously maintained by a hosf' of philosophers, at the head of whom stands the great Tlato, that temperate sage, who threw the cold water of philosophy on the form of sexual intercourse, and inculcated the doctrine of Platonic love — an exquisitely refined intercourse, but much better adapted to the ideal inhabitants of his imaginary island of Atlantis than to the sturdy race, composed of rebellious flesh and blood, which populates the little matter-of-fact-island we inhabit.

Besides these systems, we have, moreover, the poetical theogony of old Hesiod, who generated the whole universe in the regular mode of procreation ; and the plausible opinion of others, that the earth was hatched from the great egg of night, which iioated in chaos, and was cracked by the horns of the celestial bull. To illustrate this last doctrine, Burnet, in his theory of the earth,J has favoured us with an accurate drawing and description, both of the form and texture of this mundane egg, which is found to bear a marvellous resemblance to that of a goose. Such of my readers as take a proper interest in the origin of this our planet will be pleased to learn that the most profound sages of antiquity among the Egyptians, Chaldeans, Persians, Greeks, and Latins have alternately assisted at the hatching of this strange bird, and that their cacklings have been caught, and continued

• Aristot. Nat. Auscult. 1. ii. cap. 6 ; Aristopli. Metaph. lib. i. cap. 3 ; Cic. de Nat. Deor. lib. i. cap. 10 ; Justin Mart. orat. ad gent. p. 20.

t Moslieim in Cudw. lib i. cap. 4 ; Tim. de anim. mund. ap. Flat, lib. iii. ; Mem. de I'Acad. des Belles-Lettr. t. xxxii. p. 19. J Book i. ch. 5.

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in different tones and inflections, from philosopher to philosopher, unto the present day.

But while briefly noticing long celebrated systems of ancient sages, let me not pass over, with neglect, those of other philosophers, which, though less universal than renowned, have equal claims to attention, and equal chance for correctness. Thus it is recorded by the Brahmins, in the pages of their inspired Shastah, that the angel Bistnoo transformed himself into a great boar, plunged into the watery abyss, and brought up the earth on his tusks. Then issued from him a mighty tortoise and a mighty snake ; and Bistnoo placed the snake erect upon the back of the tortoise, and he placed the earth upon the head of the snake.*

The negro philosophers of Congo afiirm, that the world was made by the hands of angels, excepting their own country, which the Supreme Being constructed himself, that it might be supremely excellent. And he took great pains with the inhabitants, and made them very black and beautiful ; and when he had finished the first man, he was well pleased with him, and smoothed him over the face, and hence his nose, and the nose of all his descendants, became flat.

The Mohawk philosophers tell us, that a pregnant woman fell down from heaven, and that a tortoise took her upon its back, because every place was covered with water ; and that the woman, sitting upon the tortoise, paddled with her hands in the water, and raked up the earth, whence it finally happened that the earth became higher than the water.f

But I forbear to quote a number more of these ancient and outlandish philosophers, whose deplorable ignorance, in despite of all their erudition, compelled them to write

* HolweU, Gent. Philosophy.

t Johannes Megapolensis, Jun. Account of Maquaas or Moliawk Indians.

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hi languages which, but few of my readers can under- Btand ; and I shall proceed briefly to notice a few more intelligible and fashionable theories of their modem successors.

And, first, I shall mention the great Buffon, who conjectures that this globe was originally a globe of liquid fire, scintillated from the body of the sun, by the percussion of a comet, as a spark is generated by the collision of flint and steel. That at first it was surrounded by gross vapours, which, cooling and condensing in process of time, constituted, according to their densities, earth, water, and air, which gradually arranged themselves, according to their respective gravities, round the burning or vitrified mass that formed their centre.

Hutton, on the contrary, supposes that the waters at first were universally paramount ; and he terrifies himielf with the idea that the earth must be eventually washed away by the force of rain, rivers, and mountain torrents, until it is confounded with the ocean, or, in other words, absolutely dissolves into itself. Sublime idea 1 far surpassing that of the tender-hearted damsel of antiquity, who wept herself into a fountain ; or the good dame of Narbonne in France, who, for a volubility of tongue unusual in her sex, was doomed to peel five hundred thousand and thirty-nine ropes of onions, and actually run out at her eyes before half the hideous task was accomplished.

Whiston, the same ingenious philosopher who rivalled Ditton in his researches after the longitude (for which the mischief -loving Swift discharged on their heads a most savoury stanza), has distinguished himself by a very admirable theory respecting the earth. He conjectures that it was originally a chaotic comet, which, being selected for the abode of man, was removed from its eccentric orbit, and whirled round the sun in its present regular motion ; by which change of direction, order

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succeeded to confusion in tlie arrangement of its component parts. Tlie philosopher adds that the deluge was produced by an uncourteous salute from the watery tail of another comet ; doubtless through sheer envy of its improved condition : thus furnishing a melancholy proof that jealousy may prevail even among the heavenly bodies, and discord interrupt that celestial harmony of the spheres so melodiously sung by the poets.

But I pass over a variety of excellent theories, among which are those of Burnet, and Woodward, and Wnitehurst ; regretting extremely that my time will not sulf ei me to give them the notice they deserve ; and shall conclude with that of the renowned Dr. Darwin. This learned Theban, who is as much distinguished for rhyma as reason, and for good-natured credulity as serious research, and who has recommended himself wonderfully to the good graces of the ladies, by letting them into all the gallantries, amours, debaucheries, and other topics of scaiidal of the court of Flora, has fallen upon a theory worthy of his combustible imagination. According to his opinion the huge mass of chaos took a sudden occasion to explode, like a barrel of gunpowder, and in that act exploded the sun — which, in its flight, by a similar convulsion, exploded the earth, which in like guise exploded the moon — and thus, by a concatenation of explosions, the whole solar system was produced, and set most systematically in motion I*

By the great variety of theories here alluded to, every one of which, if thoroughly examined, will be found surprisingly consistent in all its parts, my unlearned readers will perhaps be led to conclude that the creation of a world is not so difficult a task as they at first imagined. I have shown at least a score of ingenious methods in which a world could be constructed ; and I have no doutt

• Drw. Bot. Garden, part i. cant. i.l. 105.

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that had any of the philosophers above quoted the use ol!" a good manageable comet, and the philosophical ware house, chaos at his command, he would engage to manufacture a planet as good, or, if you would take his worcl for it, better than this we inhabit.

And here I cannot help noticing the kindness of Providence, in creating comets for the great relief of bevvilderedl philosophers. By their assistance more sudden evolutions^ and transitions are effected in the system of nature tliaa are wrought in a pantomimic exhibition by the wonderworking sword of harlequin. Should one of our modern sages, in his theoretical flights among the stars, ever find himself lost in the clouds, and in danger of tumbling into the abyss of nonsense and absurdity, he has but tc» seize a comet by the beard, mount astride of its tail, and' away he gallops in triumph like an enchanter on hij' hippogriff, or a Connecticut witch on her broomstick, " tc' sweep the cobwebs out of the sky."

It is an old and vulgar saying about a " beggar or. horseback," which I would not for the world have applied to these reverend philosophers ; but I must confess that some of them, when they are mounted on one of those: fiery steeds, are as wild in their curvettings as wafi Phaeton of yore, when he aspired to manage the chariot of Phoebus. One drives his comet at full speed against the sun, and knocks the world out of him with the might" concussion ; another, more moderate, makes his comet a, kind of beast of burden, carrying the sun a regular supplj' of food and faggots ; a third, of more combustible disposition, threatens to throw his comet like a bombshell, into the world, and blow it vip like a powder magazine ;; while a fourth, with no great delicacy to this planet and its inhabitants, insinuates that some day or other hiis comet — my modest pen blushes while I write it — shall absolutely turn tail upon oTir world and deluge it witii water 1 Surely, as I have already observed, comets were

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bountifully provided by Providence for the benefit of philosopliers, to assist tbem in manufacturing theories.

And now, having adduced several of the most prominent theories that occur to my recollection, I leave my judicious readers at full liberty to choose among them They are all serious speculations of learned men — all difEer essentially from each other — and all have the same title to belief. It has ever been the task of one race of philosophers to demolish the works of their predecessors, and elevate more splendid fantasies in their stead, which in their turn are demolished and replaced by the aircastles of a succeeding generation. Thus it would seem that knowledge and genius, of which we make such great parade, consist but in detecting the errors and absurdities of those who have gone before, and devising new errors and absurdities, to be detected by those who are to come after us. Theories are the mighty soap-bubbles with which the grown-up children of science amuse themselves, while the honest vulgar stand gazing in stupid admiration, and dignify these learned vagaries with the name of wisdom ! Surely Socrates was right in his opinion, that philosophers are but a soberer sort of madmen, busying themselves in things totally incomprehensible, or which, if they could be comprehended, would be found not worthy the trouble of discovery.

For my own part, until the learned have come to an agreement among themselves, I shall content myself with the account handed down to us by Moses ; in which I do but follow the example of our ingenious neighbours of Connecticut ; who at their first settlement proclaimed tliat the colony should be governed by the laws of God — until they had time to make better.

One thing however appears certain — from the imanimous authority of the before quoted philosophers, supported by the evidence of our own senses (which, though

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very apt to deceive us, may be cautiously admitted as additional testimony) — it appears, I say, and I make tlie assertion deliberately, without fear of contradiction, that this globe really was created, and that it is composed of land and water. It further appears that it is curiously divided and parcelled out into continents and islands, among which I boldly declare the renowned island of New York will be found by any one who seeks for it in its proper place.

Chapter III

Noah, who is the first seafaring man we read of, begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japhet. Authors, it is true, are not wanting who affirm that the patriarch had a number of other children. Thus Berosus makes him father of the gigantic Titans ; Methodius gives him a son called Jonithus, or Jonicus (who was the first inventor of Johnny cakes) ; and others have mentioned a son, named Thiiiscon, from whom descended the Teutons or Teutonic, or, in other words, the Dutch nation.

I regret exceedingly that the nature of my plan will not permit me to gratify the laudable curiosity of my readers, by investigating minutely the history of the great Noah. Indeed, such an undertaking would be attended with more trouble than many people would imagine ; for the good old patriarch seems to have been a great traveller in his day, and to have passed under a different name in every country that he visited. The .Chaldeans, for instance, give us his story, merely altering his name into Xisuthrus — a trivial alteration, which to an historian skilled in etymologies will appear wholly unimportant. It appears, likewise, that he had exchanged his tarpaulin and quadrant among the Chaldeans for the gorgeous insignia of royalty, and appears as a monarch in their annals. The Egyptians celebrate him under the name of Osiris ; the Indians as Menu ; the Greek and

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'Roman writers conf oimd Mm with Ogyges ; and the Theban with Deucalion and Saturn. But the Chinese, who deservedly rank among the most extensive and authentic historians, inasmuch as they have known the world much longer than any one else, declare that Noah was no other than Fohi ; and what gives this assertion some air of credibility is that it is a fact, admitted by the most enlightened literati, that Noah travelled into China, at the time of the building of the Tower of Babel (probably to improve himself in the study of languages), and the learned Dr. Shuckford gives us the additional information that the ark rested on a moimtain on the frontiers of China.

From this mass of rational conjectures and sage hypotheses many satisfactory deductions might be drawn ; but I shall content myself with the simple fact stated in the Bible — viz., that Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japhet. It is astonishing on what remote and obscure contingencies the great affairs of this v/orld depend, and how events the most distant, and to the common observer unconnected, are inevitably consequent the one to the other. It remains to the philosopher to discover these mysterious affinities, and it is the proudest triumph of his skill to detect and drag forth some latent chain of causation, which at first sight appears a paradox to the inexperienced observer. Thus many of my readers will doubtless wonder what connection the family of Noah can possibly have with this history ; and many will stare when informed that the whole history of this quarter of the world has taken its character and course from the simple circumstance of the patriarch's having but three sons— but to explain.