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William Fearing Gill · 1876 · Scanned text · Free in the US

72,080 words · about 5 h 3 min to read

Period artwork: Interior of the Bodleian Library, 1845
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Licence: PD-US · Published 1876 (before 1884; date from the PleIAs English-PD record). The dataset curator states the whole collection is public domain in all regions (curator assertion, not independently verified); treated as public domain in the US.

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About this book

Author
William Fearing Gill
Language
English
Published
1876
Length
72,080 words · about 5 h 3 min
Sections
32 reader sections
Text
Scanned text, read from page scans by OCR; may contain errors
Rights
Public domain in the United States

 

Contents (32)
  1. Front matter about 6 min
  2. I about 3 min
  3. II about 6 min
  4. III about 4 min
  5. IV about 6 min
  6. V about 3 min
  7. VI about 3 min
  8. VII about 5 min
  9. VIII about 4 min
  10. IX about 7 min
  11. X about 34 min
  12. Chapter I about 17 min
  13. Chapter III about 17 min
  14. Chapter IV about 7 min
  15. Chapter V about 3 h
  16. XI. The boy arises suddenly and cries under 1 min
  17. XII under 1 min
  18. XIII under 1 min
  19. XIV under 1 min
  20. XV under 1 min
  21. XVI under 1 min
  22. XVII under 1 min
  23. XIX under 1 min
  24. XX under 1 min
  25. XXI under 1 min
  26. XXII under 1 min
  27. XXIV under 1 min
  28. XXV under 1 min
  29. XXVI under 1 min
  30. XXVII under 1 min
  31. XXVIII under 1 min
  32. XXIX under 1 min

Continue:

Front matter

X/B-

*

*s

I

Y BROTHER, the clergypian, looked over my shoulder before I was aware of him, and discovered that the volume which completely absorbed my attention was a collection of famous trials, published in a new edition and in a popular form. He laid his finger on the trial which I happened to be reading at the moment. I -looked up at him ; his face startled me. He had turned pale. His eyes were fixed on the open page of the book with an expression which puzzled and alarmed me.

"My dear fellow," I said, "what in the world is the matter with you ? "

He answered in an odd, absent manner, still keeping his finger on the open page.

"I had almost forgotten," he said, "and this reminds me." "Reminds you of what?" I asked. "You don't mean to say you know anything about the trial?-''

" I know this," he said : "the prisoner was guilty." "Guilty?"! repeated. "Why, the riian was acquitted by the jury, with the full approval of the judge ! What can you possibly mean ? "

"There are circumstances connected with that trial," my

THE CLERGYMAN S CONFESSION.

brother answered, " which were never communicated to the judge or the jury — which were never so much as hinted or whispered in court. / know them of my own knowledge — by my own personal experience. They are very sad, very strange, very terrible. I have mentioned them to no mortal creature. I have done my best to forget them. You, quite innocently, have brought them back to m}' mind. They oppress, they distress me. I wish I had found you reading any book in your library, except that book ! "

My curiosity was now strongly excited. I spoke out plainly.

"Might it not relieve your mind," I suggested, "if you admitted some one into your confidence ? You might surely tell your brother what you are unwilling to mention to persons less nearly related to }'ou. We have followed different professions, and have lived in different countries, since we were boys at school. But \ ou know you can trust me."

He considered a little with himself.

"Yes," he said, "I know I can trust you." He waited a moment, and then he surprised me by a strange question.

"Do you believe," he asked, "that the spirits of the dead can return to earth, and show themselves to the living?"

I answered cautiously, adopting as my own the words of a great English writer, touching the subject of ghosts.

"You ask me a question," I said, "vi'hich, after five thousand years, is yet undecided. On that account alone it is a question not to be trifled with."

My reply seemed to satisfy him.

"You suggested just now," he resumed, "that it might relieve my mind if I took you into my confidence. You may be right ; and, as my nearest living relative, yon are certainly the fittest person whom I can trust. Promise me that you will keep what I tell you a secret as long as I live. After my death I care little what happens. Let the story of my strange

THE CLERGYMAN S CONFESSION.

experience be added to the published experience of those other men who have seen what I have seen, and who believe what I believe. The world will not be the worse, and maybe the better, for knowing one day what I am now about to confide to your ear alone."

He began his narrative, as nearly as I can remember, in these words : —

II

On a fine summer evening, many years since, I left my chambers in the Temple, to meet a fellow-student who had proposed to me a night's amusement in the public gardens at Cremorne.

You had then gone out to India, and I had just taken mj' degree at Oxford. I had sadly disappointed my father by choosing the law as my profession, in preference to the Church. At that time, to own the truth, I had no serious intention of following any special vocation. I simply wanted an excuse for enjoying the pleasures of a London life. The study of the law supplied me with that excuse, and I chose the law as my profession accordingly.

On reaching the place at which we had arranged to meet, I found that my friend had not kept his appointment. After waiting vainly for ten minutes, my patience gave way, and I went into the gardens by myself.

I took two or three turns round the platform devoted to the dancers, without discovering my fellow-student, and without seeing any other person with whom I happened to be acquainted at that time.

For some reason, which I cannot now remember, I was not in my usual good spirits that evening. The noisy music jarred on my nerves ; the sight of the gaping crowd round the platform irritated me ; the blandishments of the painted ladies of

3'

THE CLERGYMANS CONFESSION.

the profession of pleasure saddened and disgusted me. I opened my cigar case, and turned aside linto one of the quiet by-walks of the gardens.

A man who is habitually careful in choosing his cigar lias this advantage over a man who is habitually careless : he can always count on smoking the best cigar in his case, down to the last. I was still absorbed in choosing my cigar, when I heard these words behind me, spoken in a foreign accent, and in a woman's voice : —

"Leave me directly, sir! I wish to have nothing to say to you."

I turned round, and discovered a little lady, very simply and tastefully dressed, who looked both angry and alarmed as she rapidly passed me on her way to the more frequented part of the gardens. A man (evidently the worse for the wine he had drunk in the course of the evening) was following her, and was pressing liis tipsy attentions on her with the coarsest insolence of speech and manner. She was young and pretty, and she cast one entreating look at me as she jwent by, which it was not in manhood — perhaps I ought to say in young manhood

— to resist.

I instantly stepped forward to protect sher, careless whether I involved myself in a discreditable quarrel with a blackguard or not. As a matter of course, the fellow resented my interference, and my temper gave way. Fortunately for me, just as I lifted my hand to knock him down, a policeman appeared, who had noticed that he was drunk, and who settled the dispute, ofKcially, by turning him out of the gardens.

I led her away from the crowd that had collected. She was evident^ frightened — I felt her hand trembling on my arm

— but she had one great merit : she made no fuss about it.

" If I can sit down for a few minutes," she said, in her pretty foreign accent, "I shall soon be myself again, and I shall not

THE CLERGYMAN S CONFESSION.

trespass any further on your kindness. I thank you very much, sir, for taking care of me."

We sat down on a bench in a retired part of the gardens, near a little fountain. A row of lighted lamps ran around the Outer rim of the basin. I could see her plainly.

I have spoken of her as " a little ladj." I could not have described her more correctly in three words.

Her figure was slight and small. She was a well-made miniature of a woman from head to foot. Her hair and her eyes were both dark. The hair curled naturally ; the expression of the eyes was quiet and rather sad ; the complexion, as I then saw it, very pale ; the little mouth perfectly charming. I was especially attracted, I remember, by the carriage of her head. It was strikingly graceful and spirited. It distinguished her, little as she was, and quiet as she was, among the thousands of other women in the gardens, as a creature apart. Even the one marked defect in her — a slight "cast" in the left eye — seemed to add, in some strange way, to the qiiaint attractiveness of her face. I have already spoken of the tasteful simplicity of her dress. I ought now to add that it was not made of any costly material, and that she wore no jewels or ornaments of any sort. My little lady was not rich. Even a man's eye could see that.

She was perfectly unembarrassed and unaffected. We fell as easily into talk as if we had been friendis instead of strangers.

I asked how it was that she had no companion to take care of her. "You are too young and too -pretty," I said in my blunt English way, "to trust yourself alone in such a place as this."

She took no notice of the compliment. She calmly put it away from her as if it had not reached her ears.

" I have no friend to take care of me," she said, simply. " I was sad and sorry this evening, all by myself, and I thought I

THE CLERGYMAN S CONFESSION.

would go to the gardens and hear the music, just to amuse me. It is not much to pay at the gate. Only a shilling."

"No friend to take care of you?" I repeated. "Surely there must be one happy man who might have been here with you to-night."

"What man do you mean?" she asked*

"The man," I answered, thoughtlessly, "whom we call in England a sweetheart."

I would have given worlds to have recalled those foolish words the moment they passed my lips. I felt that I had taken a vulgar liberty with her. Her face saddened; her eyes dropped to the ground. I begged her pardon.

"There is no need to beg my pardon," she said. "If you wish to know, sir — -yes, I had once a sweetheart, as you call it in England. He has gone away and left me. No more of him, if jfou please. I am rested now. I will thank you again, and go home."

She rose to leave me.

I was determined not to part with her in that way. I begged to be allowed to see her safely back to her own door. She hesitated. I took a man's unfair advantage of her : I appealed to her fears. I said, "Suppose the blackguard who annoyed you should be waiting outside the gates? " That decided her. She took my arm. We went away together by the bank of the Thames in the balmy summer night.

A walk of half, an hour brought us to the house in which she lodged — a shabby little house in a by-street, inhabited evidently by very poor people.

She held out her hand at the door, and wished me good-night. I was too much interested in her to consent to leave my little French lady without the hope of seeing her again. I asked permission to call on her the next day. We were stand-

THE CLERGYMAN S CONFESSION.

ing under the light of the street lamp. She studied my face with a grave and steady attention before she made any reply.

"Yes," she said at last. "I think I do know a gentleman when I see him. You may come, sir, if you please, and call upon me to-morrow."

So we parted. So I entered — doubting nothing, foreboding nothing — on a scene in my life which I now look back on with unfeigned repentance and regret.

III

I am speaking, at this later time, in thfe position of a clergyman, and in the character of a man of mature age. Remember that, and 3fou will understand why I pass as rapidly as possible over the events of the next year of my life ; why I say as little as I can of the errors and the delusions of my youth.

I called on her the next day. I repeated my visits during the days and weeks that followed, until the shabby little house in the by-street had become a second and (I say it with shame and self-reproach) a dearer home to me.

All of herself and her story which she thought fit to confide to me under the circumstances, may be repeated to you in a few words.

The name by which letters were addressed to her was "Mademoiselle Jeromette." Among the ignorant people of the house and the small tradesmen of the neighborhood, who found her name not easy of pronunciation by the average English tongue, she was known by the friendly nickname of "the French miss." When I knew her she was resigned to her lonely life among strangers. Some years had elapsed since she had lost her parents and had left France. Possessing a small, a very small, income of her=own, she added to it

THE clergyman's CONFESSION.

by coloring miniatures for the photographers. She had relatives still living in France, but she had long since ceased to correspond with them. " Ask me nothing more about my family," she used to say. " I am as good as dead in my own country and among my own people."

This was all — literally all — that she told me of herself, I have never discovered more of her sad story from that day to this.

She never mentioned her family name^ — never even told me ■what part of France she came from, or how long she had lived in England. That she was by birth and breeding a lady, I could entertain no doubt ; her manners, 'her accomplishments, her waj's of thinking and speaking, all proved it. Looking below the surface, her character showed itself in aspects not common among young women in these days. In her quiet way she was an incurable fatalist, and a firm believer in the ghostly reality of apparitions from the dead. Then, again, in the matter of money she had strange views of her own. Whenever my purse was in my hand, she held me resolutely at a distance from first to last. She refused to move into better apartments. The shabby little house was clean inside, and the poor people who lived in it were kind to her, and that was enough. The most expensive present that she ever permitted me to offer her was a little enamelled ring, the plainest and cheapest thing of the kind in the jeweller's shop. In all her relations with me she was sincerity itself. On all occasions, and under all circumstances, she spoke her mind (as the phrase is) with the same uncompromising plainness.

"I like you," she said to me ; "I respect you ; I shall always be faithful to you while you are faithful to me. But my love has gone from me. There is another man who has taken it away with him, I know not where."

THE clergyman's CONFESSION.

Who was the other man?

She refused to tell me. She kept his rank and his name strict secrets from me. I never discovered how he had met with her, or why he had left her, or whether the guilt was his of making her an exile from her country and her friends. She despised herself for still loving him ; but the passion was too strong for her — she owned it and lamented it with the frankness which was so preeminently a part of her character. More than this, she plainly told me, in the early days of oui acquaintance, that she believed he would return to her. It might be to-morrow, or it might be years hence. Even if he failed to repent of his own cruel conduct, the man would still miss her as something lost out of his life, and sooner or later he would come back.

" And will you receive him if he does come back?" I asked.

"I shall receive him," she replied, " against my own better judgment — -in spite of my own firm persuasion that the day of his return to me will bring with it the darkest days of my life."

I tried to remonstrate with her.

"'You have a will of your own," I said. "Exert it if he attempts to return to you."

"I have no will of my own," she answered, quietly, "where he is concerned. It is my misfortune to love him." Her eyes rested for a moment on mine with the utter self-abandonment of despair. "We have said enough about this," she added, abruptly ; "let us say no more."

From that time we never spoke again =of the unknown man. During the year that followed our first meeting, she heard nothing of him, directly or indirectly. He might be living, or he might be dead. There came no word of him or from him. I was fond enough of her to be satisfied with this — he never disturbed us.

THK CLERGYMAN S CONFESSION.

IV

The year passed, and the end came. Not the end as you may have anticipated it, or as I might have foreboded it.

You remember the time when youjr letters from home informed 3-ou of the fatal termination of* our mother's illness ? It is the time of which I am now speaking. A few hours only before she breathed her last she called me to her bedside, and desired that we might be left together alone. Reminding me that her death was near, she spoke of my prospects in life ; she noticed my want of interest in the studies which were then supposed to be engaging my attention, and she ended by entreating me to reconsider my refusal tq enter the Church.

"Your father's heart is set upon it," she said. " Do what I ..ask of you, my dear, and you will help to comfort him when I am gone."

Her strength faiiled her ; she could say no more. Coidd I refuse the last reqiiest she would ever make to me ? I knelt at the bedside and took her wasted hand in mine, and solemnly promised her the respect which a son ow_es to his mother's last wishes.

Having bound myself by this sacred engagement, I had no choice but to accept the sacriiice which it imperatively exacted from me. The time had come when I must tear myself free from all unworthy associations. No matter what the effort cost me, I must separate myself at once and forever from the unhappy woman who was not, who never could be, my wife.

At the close of a dull, foggy day I set forth, with a heavy heart, to say the words which were to part us forever.

Her lodging was not far from the banks of the Thames. As I drew near the place the darkness was gathering, and the broad surface of the river was hidden from me in a chill, white

THE CLERGYMAN S CONFESSION.

mist. I stood for a while witli my eyes fixed on tlie vapoi^ous shroud tliat brooded over tlie flowing water, — I stood and asked myself, in despair, the one dreaiy question : "What am I to say to her ? "

The mist chilled me to the bones. I turned from the river bank, and made my way to her lodgings hard by. " It must be done," I said to myself, as I took out my key and opened the house door.

She was not at her work as usual, when I entered her little sitting-room. She was standing by the fire, with her head down, and "with an open letter in her hand.

The instatt she turned to meet me I saw in her face that something was wrong. Her ordinary manner was the manner of an unusually placid and self-restrained person. Her temperament had little of the liveliness which we associate in England with the French nature. She was not ready with her laugh, and i.i all my previous experience I had never yet known her to cry^ Now, for the first time, I saw the quiet face disturbed ; I saw tears in the pretty brown eyes. She ran to meet me, and laid her head on my breast, and burst into a passionate ft of weeping that shook her from head to foot.

Could she, by any human possibility, have heard of the coming change in my life? Was she aware, before I had opened my lips, of the hard necessity which had brought me to the house ?

It was simply impossible ; the thing could not be.

I waited until her first burst of emotion had worn itself out. Then I asked, with an uneasy conscience, with a sinking hesrt, what had happened to distress her.

She drew herself away from me, sighing heavily, and gave me the open letter which I had seen in her hand.

THE CLERGYMANS CONFESSION.

" Read that," she said, " and remember I told you what might happen when we first met."

I read the letter.

It was signed in initials only ; but the writer plainly re vealed himself as the man who had deserted her. He haci repented ; he had returned to her. In proof of his penitence he was willing to do her the justice which he had hitherto refused ; he was willing to marry her, on the condition that she would engage to keep the marriage a secret so long as his parents lived. Submitting this proposal, he waited to know whether she would consent, on her side, to forgive and forget.

I gave her back the letter in silence. This unknown rival had done me the service of paving the wky for our separation. In offering her the atonement of marriage, he tad made it, on niy part, a matter of duty to hc7- as well as to myself to say the parting words. I felt this instantly; and yet I hated him for helping me. ;

She took my hand and led me to the sofl. We sat down side by side. Her face was composed tp a sad tranquillity. She was quiet ; she was herself again.

"I have refused to see him," she said, "until I had first spoken to you. You have read his letter. What do you say?"

I could make but one answer. It was my duty to tell her what my own position was in the plainest terms. I did my duty, leaving her free to decide on the future for herself. Those sad words said, it was useless to prolong the wretchedness of our separation. I rose, and took her hand for the last time.

I see her again now, at that final moment, as plainly ai if it had happened yesterday. She had been suffering from un affection of the thi'oat, and she had a white silk handkerchief tied loosely round her neck. She wore a simple dress of

THE CLERGYMANS CONFESSION.

purple merino, with a black silk apron over it. Her face was deadly pale ; her fingers felt icily cold as they closed round my hand.

"Promise me one thing," I said, "before I go. Wliile I live I am j'our friend, if I am nothing more. If you are ever in trouble, promise that you will let me know it."

She started, and drew back from me as if I had struck her with a sudden terror.

"Strange!" she said, speaking to herself. "He feels as I feel. He is afraid of what inaj- happen to me in my life to come."

I attempted to re-assure her. I tried to tell her — what was indeed the truth — that I had only been thinking of the ordinary chances and changes of life when I spoke.

She paid no heed to me ; she came back and put her hands on my shoulders, and thoughtfully and sadly looked up in my face.

" My mind is not your mind in this matter," she said. " I once owned to you that I had my forebodings when we first spoke of this man's return. I may tell you now more than I told you then. I believe I shall die young, and die miserably. If I am right, have you interest enough still left in me to wish to hear of it? "

She paused, shuddering, and added these startling words :

" You shall hear of it ! "

The tone of steady conviction in whicli she spoke alarmed and distressed me. My face showed her how deeply and how painfully I was affected.

"There, there !" she said, returning to her natural manner, " don't take what I say too seriously ! A poor girl who has led a lonely life like mine thinks strangely and talks strangely sometimes. Yes, I give you my promise. If I am ever in

THE CLERGYMANS CONFESSION.

trouble I will let you know it. God bless you — you have been very kind to me. Good-bye ! '"

A tear dropped on my face as she kissed me. The door closed between us. The dark street received me.

It was raining heavily. I looked up at her window through the drifting shower. The curtains were parted ; she was standing in the gap, dimly lit by the lamp on the table behind her, waiting for our last look at each other. Slowly lifting her hand, she waved her farewell at the window with the unsought native grace which had charmed me on the night when we first met. The curtains fell again ; she disappeared — nothing v/as before me, nothing was round me, but the darkness and the night.

V

In two years from that time I had redeemed the promise given to my mother on her death-bed. I had entered the Church.

My father's interest made my first step in my new profession an easy one. After serving my preliminary apprenticeship as a curate, I was appointed, before I was thirty years of age, to a living in the west of England.

My new benefice offered me every advantage that I could possibly desire, with the one exception of a sufficient income. Although my wants were few, and although I was still an unmarried man, I found it desirable, on many accounts, to add to my resources. Following the example of other young clergymen in my position, I determined to receive pupils who might stand in need of preparation for a career at the Universities. My relatives exerted themselves, and my good fortune still befriended me. I obtained two pupils to start with. A third would complete the number which I was at present pre-

THE CLERGYMANS CONFESSION.

pared to receive. In course of time this third pupil made his appearance, under circumstances sufficiently remarkable to merit being mentioned in detail.

It was the summer vacation, and my tvi^o pupils had gone home. Thanks to a neighboring clergyman, who kindly undertook to perform my duties for me, I too obtained a foi-tnight's holiday, which I spent at my father's house in London.

During my sojourn in the metropolis, I was offered an opportunity of preaching in a church made famous by the eloquence of one of the popular pulpit orators of our time. In accepting the proposal I felt naturally anxious to do my best before the unusually large and unusually intelligent congregation which would be assembled to hear me.

At the period of which I am now speaking, all England had been startled by the discovery of a terrible crime, perpetrated under circumstances of extreme provocation. I chose this crime as the main subject of my sermon. Admitting that the best among us were frail mortal creatures, subject to evil promptings and provocations like the worst among us, my object was to show how a Christian man may find his certain refuge from temptation in the safeguards of his religion. I dwelt minutely on the hardship of the Christian's first struggle to resist the evil influence — on the Iielp which his Christianity inexhaustibly held out to him in the worst relapses of the weaker and viler part of his nature — on the steady and certain gain which was the ultimate reward of his faith and his firmness — and on the blessed sense of peace and happiness which accompanied the final triumph. Preaching to this effect, with the fervent conviction which I really felt, I may say for myself, at least, that I did no discredit to the choice which had placed me in the pulpit. I held the attentiori of my congregation from the first word to the last.

While I was resting in the vestry, on. the conclusion of the

THE CLERGYMAN S CONFESSION.

service, a note was brought to me written in pencil. A member of my congregation — a gentleman — wished to see me on a matter of considerable importance to himself. He would call on me at any place, and at an}^ hour, which ^ might choose to appoint. If I wished to be satisfied of his respectability, he would beg leave to refer me to his father, with whose name I might possibly be acquainted.

The name given in the reference was undoubtedly familiar to me as the name of a man of some celebrity tmd influence in the world of London. I sent back my card appointing an hour for the visit of my correspondent on the afternoon of the next day.

THE CLERGYMAN S CONFESSION.

VI

HE stranger made his appearance punctually. I guessed him to be some two or three years younger than myself. He was undeniably handsome ; his manners were the manners of a gentleman ; and yet, without knowing why, I felt a strong dislike to him the moment he entered the room.

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