The complete works of Tobias Smollett : with memoir of the author

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Contents

THE REPRISAL : A COMEDY.

ADVICE: A SATIRE.

REPROOF : A SATIRE.

Prologue

As andcot Mce, when death approach'd hb bed, Cooaifn'd to fluto hit devoted head ; And, that no fiend might hi«B, or move uneiTll, With TOYS and prayers, he fidrly brib'd the devil : Tet neither vowe nor prayers, nor rieh oblation, Conld alwaya save the sinner-^rom damnation.

Thus anthora, tott'ring on the brink of Utt, The critic's rage with prologues deprecate ; Yet sit the trembling bard implores in vain. The wit profcas'd turns out a dunce in grain : Jio plea ean then avert the dreadAil sentence, H« moat be d — n'd — ^in spite of all repentance.

Bese fustiee aeems from her straight line to vary,

No guilt attend! a Ihet involuntary ; This maxim the whole cruel charge destroys. No poet sure was ever dull — by choice. So pleads our culprit in his own defence, You cannot prove his dulneas is— prepense.

He means to please — he owns no other view; And now presenta you with — a sea ragout A dish--howe'er you relish his endeavours, Replete with a vwiety of flavours :

A stout Hibernian, and ferocious Soot, Together boiled in our enchanted pot; To taint these viands with the true fUmet, He sbreds a musty, vain, French — martinet. This stale ingredient might our porridge mar Without some add Juice of English tar: To rouse the appetite the drum shall rattle. And the dessert shall be a bloodless battle.

What heart will fkil to glow, what eye to brighten. When Britain's wrath arous'd begins to lighten I Her thunders roll — her fearless sons advance. And her red ensigns wave o'«r the pale flowers of Frcnoc

Such game our Ihthers play'd in days of yore, When Edward's banners fann'd the Gallic shore ; When Howard's arm Elisa's vengeance hurl'd, And Drake diffus'd her fame around the world : StiU shall that godlike flame your boaom fire. The gen'rous son shall emulate the sire : Her ancient splendour England shall maintain. O'er distant realma extend her genial reign. And rise — th' unrivall'd empress of the main,

GO lain,| in. J

THE REPRISAL

ACT THE FIRST. SCENE L— Hbartlt, Bbush

BruuL Well, if this be taking diversion on the water, God send me safe on English ground ! and if ever I come in sight of the sea agun, may a watery grave be my portion : first, to be terrified with the thoughts of drowning : secondly, to be tossed and tumbled about like a foot-ball : thirdly, to be drenched with sea- water: foiuthly, to be stunk to death with pitch and tar and the savoury scent of my fellow-sufferers: fifthly, to be racked with perpetual puking, till my guts are turned inside out: and, sixUdy and lastly, to be taken prisoner and plundered by the French.

Hecardy, Enough— enough

Brush. Enough ! — aye, and to spare — I wish I could give part to those who envy my good fortune : but, how will the good Lady Bloomwell moralize when she finds her daughter Miss Harriet is fallen into the hands of Monsieur de Champignon 1

Heardy, No more — that reflection alarms me ! — yet I have nothing to fear — as there is no war declared, we shall soon be released ; and, in the mean time, the French will treat us with their usual politeness.

Brush, Fox on their politeness ! ah master ! commend me to the blunt sincerity of the true surly British mastiff. The rascallion that took my purse bowed so low, and paid me so many compliments, that I ventured to argue the matter, in hopes of convincing him he was in the wrong ; but he soon stopped my mouth with a vengeance, by clapping a cocked pistol to my ear, and telling me he shoSd have the honour to blow my brains out Another of these polite gentlemen be^;ged leave to exchange hats with me : a third fell m love with my silver shoe-buckles ; nay, that very individual nice buttock of beef, which I had just begun to survey with looks of desire, after the dismu evacuation I had undergone, was ravished from my sight by two famished French wolves, who beheld it with equal joy and astonishment

Heardy, I must confess they plundered us with great dexterity and despatch ; and even Monsieur de Champignon, the commander, did not keep his hands clear of the pillage, an instance of rapaciousness I did not expect to meet with in a gentleman and an officer. Sure he will behave as such to Harriet !

Brush, Futh ! not to flatter you, sir, I take him ' to be one of those fellows who owe their good fortune to nothing less than their good works. He first rifled your mistress, and then made love to her with great gallantry ; but ^ou was in the right to call yourself her brother; if he knew you were his rival, you might pass your time very disagreeably.

Heardy. There are two officers on board, who seem to disapprove of his conduct ; they would not be concerned in robbing us, nor would they suffer their soldiers to take any share of the prey, but condoled Harriet and me on our misfortune, with marks of real concern.

Brush, Tou mean Lieutenant Oclabber and Ensign Maclaymore, a couple of d — ned renegadoes ! — you lean upon a broken reed, if you trust to their compassion.

Heardy, Oclabber I knew at Paris, when I travelled with my brother, and he then bore the character of an honest man and a brave officer. The other is a Highlander, excluded, I suppose.

fV'om his own country on account of the late rebels Uon ; for that reason, perhaps, more apt to pity the distressed. I see them walking this way in close con* ference. While I go down to the cabm to visit my dear Harriet, you may lounge about and endeavour to overhear their conversation. {^ExetmL

SCENE n.— OcLABBEB, Maclatxobs.

Ocl. Arrah, for what? — ^I don't value Monsiear de Champignon a rotten potatoe ; and when the ship ^5 ashore, I will be f^r asking him a shivel question, as I told him to his face, when he turned his back upon me in the cabin.

Macl Weel, weel, Maister Oclabber, I won a tak' upon me to say a'together ye're in the wrang ; but ye ken there's a time for a' things; and we man gang hooly and fairly, while we're under command.

Ocl. Tou may talk as you plaise, Mr. Maclaymore— you're a man of learning, honey. Inde^ indeed I am always happy when you are spaiking, whether I am asleep or awake, a gra. But, by my shoul, I will maintain, after the breath is out of my body, that the English pleasure-boat had no right to be taken before the declaration of war ; much more the prisoners to be plundered, which you know is the prerogative of pirates and privateers.

McjcL To be sure, the law of nations does na prescind that privilege in actual war; for ye ken, in ancient times, the victor teuk the spolia opima ; and in my country, to this very day, we follow the auld practice, pecudum prcedas agere. But then,

J re man take notice, nae gentleman wad plunder a eddy— awa', awa' ! — ^fie for shame 1 and a right sonsy damsel too. Fm sure it made my heart wae to see the saut brine come happin o'er her winsome cheeks.

OcL Devil bum me ! but my bowels wept salt water to see her sweet fiice look so sorrowful ! — och I the delicate creature t — ^she's the veiy moral of my own honey, dear Sheelah O'Shannaghan, whom I left big with child in the county of Fermenaghan, grammachree ! — Ochone, my dear Sheelah ! Look here, she made me this sword-belt, of the skin of a sea-wolf that I shot at the mouth of the Shannon ; and I gave her at parting a nun's discipline to keep her sweet flesh in order — oh ! my dear honey captain, cried she, I shall never do penance, but I will be thinking of you. Ah 1 poor Sheelah, she once met with a terrible misfortune, gra. We were all a merry-making at the castle of Ballyclough. And so Sheelah havmg drank a cup too much, honey, fell down stairs out of a window. When I came to her, she told me, she was speechless ; and by my shoul it was tree long weeks hefore she got uj^on her le^ again. Then I composed a lamentation in the Irish tongue— and sung it to the tune of Drimmendoo ; but a friend of mine, of the order of Shaint Francis, has made a relation of it into English, and it goes very well to the words of Elen-a-Koon.

Mcuil, Whether is't an elegy or an ode t

Ocl. How the devil can it be odd, when the verses are all even ?

Macl. Gif it be an elegy, it must be written in the carmen elegiacum ; or, gif it be an ode, it may be monocclos, dicolos, tetrastrophos, or, perhaps, it's loose iambics.

Ocl. Arrah, upon my conscience, I believe it is simple shambmcks, honey. But, if you'll hold your tongue, you shall see with your own eyes.

A COMEDY.

4.11

SONO. y« iwAiiM of th« Shannon, ftlr Sheelmh is gons. Ye nrainf of the Shannon, fair Sheelah ii gone,

Ochone my dear Jewel,

Why wai yon bo cruel, Amidtt my eompaniont to leave me alone f

Tboogh Teagoe ehuC the casement in Ballyelough hall ; Though Teacne shut the casement in Ballyelough ball ;

In the dark she was groping ;

And found it wide open ; Oeh I the devil himself could not stand such a iUl.

In beholding your charms, I can see them no more ; In beholding your charms, I can see them no more ;

If you're desd, do but own it ;

Then you'll hear me bemoan it ; For in loud lamentations your fate I'll deplore.

DevQ cunethis occasion with tumults and strife I Deril curse this occasion with tumults and strife I

01 the month of November,

Shell have cause to remem^r, As a Uack letter day all the days of her life.

With a rope I could catch the dear creature I've lost ! With a rope I could catch the dear creature I've lost !

But, without a dinnission,

I'd lose my oommUsion, And be hang'd with disgrace for deserting my post.

Shall I nerer see you, mj loTely Sheelah, these KTen long yean ? An it plaised God to bring us within forty miles of each other, I would never deiire to be nearer all the days of my life.

Mad. Hoot-fie! Captain OcLabber, whare*s a' voor philosophy? did ye never read Seneca de '(^MMMtionef or Volusenus, my countryman, de TraaquUUiate Animi 9 I'se warrant we have left a bonny lass too, in the braes of Lochaber — my yellow-hair'd deary that wont to meet me amang the heather. Heigh, sirs ! how she grat and cried, ** Waes my heart that we should sunder." Whisht, what's a' that rippet ? [A noUe of drums,

OeL Anan-mon-deaul I they are beating our f^vnadier's march, as if the enemy was in view ; bat I shall fetch them off long enough before they begin to charge ; or, by Shaint Patrick ! I'll beat tbeir skulls to a pancake.

MacL [to a bagpiper croumg the stage,'] Whare are ve ga'ane witn the moosic, Donald?

^iper, Guid fiut ! an please your honour, the commazider has sent for her to play a spring to the iMenach damsel ; but her nain sell wad na pudge the length of her tae, without your honour's order ; and she'll gar a* the men march before her with the British flag and the rest of the plunder.

JfodL By my sanl 1 he's a gowk, and a gauky, to ettle at diverting the poor laray with the puppet-show of her ain misfortune ; but, howsomever, I>t>Dald, ye may gang and entertain her with a pibroch dT Macreemon's composition ; and, if she has any taste fat moosic, ye 11 soon gar her forget her disaster.

OcL Arrah, now since that's the caase, I would cot be guilty of a rude thin^ to the lady ; and if it be done to compose her spirits, bv my soul ! the drum shall beat till she's both deaf ana dumb, bef'jre I tell it to leave off— but we'll go and see the procesoioa. [Exeunt

SCENE m.— A Procession.

\Ftrtt the bagpipe — then a ragged dirty sheet for the French coKurs — a file of soldiers in tatters— the English prisoners — the plunder, in the midst of vkich is an English buttoch of beef carried on the thoalders of four meagre Frenchmen. The drum, fiMtnced by a crew of French sculors.']

Champignon, Harriet.

Champ. Madame, you see de fortune of de war

—my fkte be admirable capricieux — you be do prisonier of my arm —I be de cautive of your eye — by gar I my glorie turn to my disgrace !

nor. Truly, I think so too— for nothing can be more disgraceful than what you have done.

Champ. Den vat I ave done !— parbleu I I not understand vat you mean, madam — 1 ave de honour to carry off one great victorie over de Englis.

Har. You have carried off an unarmed boat, contrary to the law of nations ; and rifled the passengers in opposition to the dictates of justice and humanity — I should be glad to know what a common robber could do worse.

Champ, Common robber! madam, your serviteur^ tres humble — de charm of your esprit be as brilliant as de attraits of your personne. In one and t'oder you be perfaitement adorable— souffres den dat I present my art at your altar.

Hot. If you have any heart to present, it must be a very stale sacrifice— for my own part, I have DO taste for the fumet ; so you had better keep it for the ladies of your own country.

Champ, Ah cruelle !— de ladies en France will felcite demselves dat you renounce de tendre of Monsieur de Champignon. Madame de la duchesse — mais tiusons— alte la— et la belle marquise I ah quelles ames! vanity apart, madam, I ave de honneur to be one man a bonnes fortunes. Diable m'emporte ! till I rencountre your invincible eye, I ave alway de same succes in love as in war.

Har. I dare say you have been always equally lucky and wise.

Champ. A ma charmante ; — dat is more of your bont6 den of my merite — permettex done, dat I amuse you wid the transports of my flsjne.

Hot. In a proper place, I believe, I should find them very entertaining.

Champ. How you ravish me, my princesse ! — avouez done, you ave de sentiments for my personne— parbleu it is all your generosity — dere is noting extraordinary in my personne, diable m'emporte ! hai, hai. \_Cuts a caper.

Har, Indeed, monsieur, you do yourself injustice ; for you are certainly the most extraordinary person I had ever the honour to see.

Champ. Ah, ah, madame! I die under the charge of your politesse — your approbation ave dissipe de bronillard dat envelope my fantasie — your smile inspire me wid allegresse — allons 1 vive I'amour 1 la, la, la, la

Hew, What a delicate pipe I I find, monsieur ! you're alike perfect in all your accomplishments.

Champ. Madame, } our slave etemellement— personnes of gout ave own dat me sing de chansonettes not altogether too bad, before I ave de honour to receive one ball de pistolet in my gorgi*, wen I board de Englis man of war, one, two, tree, four, ten year ago. I take ^session sabre a la main ; but, by gar, de ennemi be opiniatre ! — dey reAise to submit, and carry me to Plimount — dere I apprehend your tongue, madame— dere I dance, and ave de gallantries parmi les belles fiUes Angloises. I teash dem to love — they teash me to sing your jollies vaudevilles. ** A coblere dere vas, and he live in one stalL" Hai, hai ! how you taste my talens, madame ?

Har. Oh I you sine enchantii^ly ; ana so natural, one would imagme you had been a cobler all the days of your life. Ha, ha, ha!

Champ, Hai, hai, hai ; if you not flatter me, madame, I be more happy dan Charlemagne— bat

GO 2

THE REPRISAL :

I are fear dat 70a mncqaez de moi — ^tell a me of ffnuce, my piincesse, vat sort of lover you shoose — I vil transform myself for your plaisir.

Har. I will not say what sort of lover I like ; but ril sing what sort of lover I despise.

Champ, By gar, she love me eperdoement {Aside.

BONO.

From tht man whom I love, though my heart I diagulae,

I will freelv deicribe the wretch 1 detpiee,

And if he has aenae but to balance a straw,

He will sure take the hint from the picture I draw.

A wit without sense, without fiuicy a beau, Like a parrot he chatters, and struts like a crow ; A peacock in pride, in grimace a baboon, In courage a hind, in conceit a gaacoon.

As a vulture rapacious, in falsehood a fox. Inconstant as waves, and unfeeling as rocks : *

As a tiger ferocious, penrerse as a hog. In mischief an ape, and in fkwning a dog.

In a word, to sum up all his talents together. His heart is of lead, and his brain is of feather: Yet, if he has sense but to balance a straw, Ha will sure take the hint Arom the picture I draw.

Champ. Morblen, madame, you singamarveilles — ^by gar, de figure be ver singulier.

SCENE IV. — ^Harbiet, Chamfionon, Heartlt.

Chanyt. Mons. Artlie, I ave de honeur to be your most umble servitenr — ^niademoiselle your sister aves des perfections of an ange ; but she be cold as de albatre. Toa do me good office — I become of your alliance — ^you command my service.

Heardy, 1 hope my sister wiU set proper value upon your addresses. And you may depend upon my bert endeavours to persuade her to treat your passion as it deserves.

Chan^, As it deserve 1 — mard^ 1 dat is all I desire—den I treat you as one prmee. [A servant whispers and retirea,'] Comment! quem'importe — madame, I must leave you for one moment to de garde of Monsieur your broder ; but I return in one twinkle. [Exit

SCENE v.— Heartlt, Harriet.

Heardy, My dear Harriet, have you good nature enough to forgive me for having exposed you to all these dangers and misfortunes ?

Har, I can't but be pleased with an event which has introduced me to the acquaintance of the accomplished Champignon, ha, ha, ha I

Hosuily. Tou can t imagine how happy I am to see you bear your misfortune with such good humour, after the terror you underwent at our being taken.

Har, I was indeed terribly alarmed when a cannon shot came whbtling over our heads ; and not a little dejected when I found mvself a prisoner ? but I imagine all dan^r diminishes, or at least loses part of its terror, the nearer ^ou approach it And as for this Champignon, he is such a contemptible fellow, that, upon recollection, I almost despise myself for having been afraid of him — O' my conscience! I beheve all courage is acquired from practice. I don't doubt but in time I should be able to stand a battery myselfl

Hmrdif, Well, my fiiir Thalestris, should you ever be attacked, I hope the aggressor will fidl before yon— Champignon has certainly exceeded his orders, and we shall be released a^ soon as a representation can be made to the French court

Har, I ^oold be loth to trouble the court of France with matters of so little consequence. Don't you think it practicable to persuade the captain to set us at liberty ? There is one figure m rhetoric which I believe he would hardly resist

Heartiy, I guess your meaning, and &e experiment shall t^ tried, if we fail of success fh>m another quarter ; I intend to make mysdf known to Oclabber, with whom I was formerly acquainted, and take his advice. He and the Scotch ensign are at variance with Champignon, and disapprove of our being made prisoners.

SCENE VL— Heartlt, Harriet, Brush.

Hearlbf [to Brush,'] Well, sir, have you been fishing the bonny Scot Have you caught any intelligence ?

Brush. Sir, I have done your business — Giptain Maclajrmore and I have been drinking a bottle of sour wine to the health of Miss Harriet and year worship ; in a word, he is wholly devoted to your service.

Har, Fray, Mr. Brush, what method did yoa take to ingratiate yourself with that proud stalking Highlander?

Brush, I won his heart with some transient encomiums on his country. I affected to admire his plaid as an improvement on the Boman toga; swore it was a most soldierly garb ; and said, I did not wonder to see it adopted by a nation equally renowned for learning and valour.

Heardy, These insidious compliments could not fail to undermine his loftiness.

Brush, He adjusted his bonnet, rolled his quid from one cheek to the other, threw his plaid over his left shoulder with an air of importance, strutted to the farther end of the deck ; then returning with his hard features unbended into a ghastly smile, ^'Bvmy sauI, mon," says he, ** ye're na fiUe ; I see you ken foo wed how to mak proper distinctions— ^you and I man be better acquainted." I bowed very low in return for the great honour he did me — ^hmted, that though now I was in the station of a servant, I had some pretensions to fiunily ; and sighing, cried, tempora m«tofiAcr, et nos wutamur in iUis,

Heardy, That scrap of Latin was a home thrust — ^You see, sirrah, the benefit of a charity school.

Brush. Ay, little did I think, when I was fiog^ed for neglecting my accidence, that ever my learning would turn to such account-— Captain Madaymore was surprised to hear me speax Latin. Yet he found fault with my pronunciation. He shook me by the hand, though I was a little shy of that compliment, and said he did not expect to find flowers under a nettle. But I put him in mind of the singet cat, for I was better than I was bonny — then he carried me to his cabin, where we might discourse more fireelv ; told me the captain was " a light-headed gnse, and expressed his concern at yaai captivity, which he said was a flagrant infh^- tion of the trea^ of Aix-la-Chapelle.

Har. There, I hope, you backed his opinion with all your eloquence.

Brush. 1 extolled his understanding ; interested his gallantry in the cause of a distressed lady ; and, in order to clinch my remonstrance, told him that my master's great grandmother's aunt was a Scotchwoman of the name of Macintosh, and that Mr. Heartly piqued himself on the Highland blood that ran in nis veins.

Heardy, Fm obliged to tout invention for the honour oi that alliance— I hope the discovery had a proper effect upon my cousin Madaymore.

Brush. He no sooner heaxd that particular

A COMEDY,

Am he started np, crying, ** What the deel say ye ? Macintosh! — simnds monl thafs the name of my ain mither — ^who kens bnt Mester Heartly and I may be ooozens seyenteen times removed?" Then he gmre me a fhll accoont of hb pedigree for twelre generations, and hawked up the names of his progenitors till they set my teeUi on edge. To conclode, he has pronused to give you all the assistance in his power, and even to fiayonr onr escape ; for, oTer and above his other motives, I find he longs to retom to his own country, and thinks a piece of service done to an English gentleman may euible him to gratify that inchnation.

Heardy, But what scheme have yon laid for onr escape?

Brudu The boat is along-side— onr men are permitted to walk the deck : — ^when the captain retires to rest, and the watch is relieving, nothing will be more easy than to step on board of onr own galley, cut the rope, hoist the sails, and make the best of onr way to Old England.

Heardy. But, yon don't consider that Monsieur de Champignon, if alarmed, may slip his cable and give us chase — ^nay, compliment us with a dish of sugar-plums that may be very hard of digestion.

Bnuh. There the friendship of Maclaymore will be of service. For, as soon as our flight is known, he and his men, on pretence of being alert, ▼ill make such a bustle and confosion, that nothing ean be done until we are out of their reach ; and then we must trust to our own canvass and the trim of onr vessel, which is a i>rime sailer.

Harriet Tlie project is feasible, and may be the more practicable, if the Irish lieutenant can be brought to cooperate with the ensign.

HearUy. Odso I there he comes — Brush, go and vait upon Miss Harriet to her cabin, while I accost this Hibernian.

SCENE Vn.— Heabtlt, Oclabbeb.

OeL Your humble servant, sir, — I hope the lady is plaised with her accommodation— -don't ]^ou begin to be refreshed with the French air blowing orerthesea! — upon my conscience 1 now, it% so delicate and keen, that for my own part, honey, 1 have heen as hungry as an Irish wolf-dog ever since I came to this kingdom.

Heard^, Sir, I thank you for your kind inquiry —I am no stranger to tne French air, nor to the politeness of Captain Oclabber. — ^What ! have you <niite forgot your old acquaintance ?

OeL Acquaintance, honey — by my shoull I eiioald be proud to recollect your countenance, tbon^ I never saw you before in the days of myhfe.

Heartfy, Don't you remember two Englishmen It F^tfis, about throe years ago» of the name of Heartly?

Oct Ub nb 00 1 — ^by Shaint Patrick, I remember yon as well as nothing in the world — ^Arrah, now, whether is it voor own self or your brother ?

Hearibf. My brother died of a consumption non after onr return to England.

Od, Ah 1 God rest his soul, poor gentleman — ]>Bt it is a great comfort to a man to be after dying is his own country — ^I hope he was your elder ^xtither, gra.— Oh I I remember you two made one vith us at the hotel de Bussy — ^by my shoull we *eievery merry and firolicsome; and you know 1 hmt my aade, and my foot swelled as big as ^hne potatoes — ^by the same token I sent for a rogue of t surgeon, who subscribed for the cure, and wanted to make a hand of my foot Mr. Heartly, the devil fly away with me but I am proud to see you, and you may command me without fear or affection, gra.

Heartbf, Sir, you are extremely kind ; and ma^, I apprehend, do me a good office with Captam Champignon, who, I cannot help saying, has treated us with very little ceremonv.

Ocl rU tell you what, Mr. Heartly, we officers don't choose to &id &ult with one another ; because there's a discipline and subordination to be observed, yon know ;— therefore I shall say nothing of him as an officer, honey ; but, as a man, my dear, by the mass, he's a meer baist

HeariUy, I'm glad to find your opinion of him so conformable to my own.— I understand by my servant too, that Mr. Maclaymore agrees with us, in his sentiments of Monsieur de Champignon ; and disapproves of hb takine our boat, as an unwarrantable insult offered to the British nation.

Od, By my shoull I told him so before you came a-board. — ^As for ensign Maclaymore, there is not a prettier fellow in seven of the best counties in Ireland — as brave as a heron, my dear — arrah, the devil bum him if he fears anv man that never wore a head. — ^Ay, and a great scholar to boot — ^he can talk Latin and Irish as well as the Archbishop of Armaugh— didn't you know we were sworn brothers— though I'm his senior officer, and spaik the French more fluid, gra.

SCENE VHL^Heabtlt, Oculbbeb, Bbush.

BriLsh^ O Lord, Sir t all the fat's m the fire,

Od. Arrah, what's a-fire, honey?

Brush, All our fine project gone to pot! — We may now hang up our harps among the willows, and sit down and weep by BEtbel's streams.