The Chronicles of Mr. Pottersby

Preface

" The Autocrat of the Breakfast Table " asserts his belief that every articulately-speaking human being has within him the stuff for one novel in three volumes duodecimo. I read this statement with dismay. I am personally acquainted with a great number of human beings, who, save on very rare occasions, speak articulately. They are all estimable persons, but the prospect of them all writing novels in three volumes duodecimo is not one that I can view with equanimity. " This must not be," I said to myself. " This must be prevented. But how ? " I continued my reading. " An author's first novel is naturally drawn, to a great extent, from his own personal experiences," says Oliver Wendell Holmes. I saw and seized my opportunity at once. I inter viewed categorically the human beings with whom I was on intimate terms, and demanded from them their personal experiences. These they gave to me more or less willingly and articulately. I feel now

PREFACE.

that I have earned the undying gratitude of the reading public by printing these experiences in a condensed form. I have, so to speak, extracted the stings from a great number of possible authors, and merely ask the critic of the matter herein contained to reflect that, but for my efforts, it might have assumed the awful proportions of at least thirty novels in ninety volumes duodecimo. J. H. W. CONTENTS CHAPTER PAGE I— Mr. Pottersby is Persuaded to Keep a Diary g II— He Serves his Country to the Best of his Ability 16 III— Chiefly concerning a Canary and a Cat 24 IV— In which Mr. Bouncer and Uncle Henry kindly Interest Themselves . . 31 V— Mr. Pottersby becomes the Possessor of a Dog 38 VI— Wherein the Dog Proves to be a White Elephant 45 VII— Pottersby versus Cockroaches — Mr. Smilter Intervening .... 54 VIII— Mr. Pottersby has Horticultural Aspirations 61 IX— Irrigation and Irritation .... 68 X— The Vengeance of Smilter 73 XI— Mr. Pottersby Displays Heroism . .

CONTENTS CHAPTER PACK XII— He Desires to Provide for the Future 90 XI 1 1— He Finds Safety in a Multitude of Counsellors 98 XIV— Uncle Henry is Subjected to Annoyance 106 XV— The Plumber and His Boy— An Episode 114 XVI— Harmony 121 XVII— Discord 128 XVIII— The Family Engage in Works of Charity 135 XIX— Mr. Pottersby Loses much Dignity. . 141 XX— He Becomes an Athlete and Succumbs to the Inevitable

Chapter I

Mr. Pottersby Keeps a Diary I HAVE often thought of keeping a diary. I don't mean a diary such as the one kept bythe late Mr. Pepys. I have read extracts from this work, and consider it a mass of trivial detail mingled with a record of certain disgraceful pro ceedings which, for his own credit, he ought to have left unwritten. My diary shall be on different lines. I intend to chronicle only the most important and interesting events of our family life, and as, I am proud to say, I have never indulged in the vices of a Pepys, there will be nothing in its pages that will cause my dear children to blush for their father when he is gone. It may seem strange that I should undertake the task in my fiftieth year ; but, when I come to think of it, I am not at all sure that the age of fifty is not the most interesting period of a man's life.

I feel it is so with me. I have been happily married to Amelia for the past twenty-five years, and we have one son and two daughters, who are delightful com panions to their parents. I am secure in the esteem of my respected employers, whom I have now faith fully served for thirty-five years, and I feel that my matured experience will enable me to employ my leisure in considering events calmly and dispassion ately. Although I have long had a personal desire to keep a diary, it is due to the family to state that it was they who eventually persuaded me to gratify that desire. Amelia introduced the subject at breakfast on my birthday. She was reviewing some of the memories of our past life, and regretted that we had no written record of them. My youngest daughter, Minnie, at once suggested that I should begin re cording on that very day, and she was so earnestly joined by her mother and her sister Julia that I consented to do so.

Amelia said it had ahvays been a matter of sur prise to her that I had not done more writing, be cause, as she pointed out to the girls, my letters to her when we were engaged were quite literary, and some of the poetry in them was really beautiful. Of course I said that they must not count too much on those letters, because the subject had in spired me. Amelia positively blushed at this, and the girls made great fun of her. My son, Tom, wanted them produced and read, then and there. He said it would be " a lark " to get a little play up, in which mother was plaintiff and father defendant in a breach of promise case. Then MR. POTTERSBY KEEPS A DIARY 11 he (Tom), as counsel for the plaintiff, would read my letters, and make us all roar with laughter. Tom is a well-meaning boy, but he has an unfortunate knack of giving a conversation the wrong turn.

However, Julia changed the subject, and reminded me of the letter I had written to the papers about the shocking train service on our line. Certainly that letter did attract a good deal of attention, and was the means of the company putting on two more trains. I remember that our senior partner saw it. When I went into his office that morning, he asked me if I was the Pottersby who had written the letter, and when I said I was, he congratulated me, and told me I had quite a style of my own. I could hardly have begun my diary at a better time, because I am able to open with a pleasant little friendly gathering we had to celebrate my Jubilee (as Tom calls it), and also our silver wedding. It being summer, we decided to make the entertainment a garden-party. We have a very nice bit of garden at the back, although, of course, it suffers in being over looked.

The arrangements had been left to the girls. Amelia makes a point of doing this whenever she can, because it gives them a sense of responsibility, and helps to fit them for the time when they will have houses of their own. The girls are very artistic. They inherit this from their mother, who used to sing and play most beauti fully when she was young. Minnie is very musical, and Julia shows real genius for painting. At present they are very enthusiastic about acting. They have joined an amateur dramatic society which has re cently been formed in our neighbourhood, and pro mises to become a great success. It was this that made them think of having a few scenes from As You Like It in the garden, to enter tain our guests. They asked some of their young friends to help them, but, in the main, it was all the girls' doing, and really it was beautifully done.

Tom took the part of Charles, the Wrestler. Tom is not very artistic. Amelia says he takes more after me in this, but is compensated by inheriting my straightforward and fearless disposition. As our garden is not a very large one, we were obliged to limit the number of invited guests to our more intimate friends ; but our neighbours could see quite well if they leaned over their fences, and this was generally done all along the row. As I said before, it was a splendid performance. Of course there were hitches — that was only to be expected — but they did not seriously interfere. Tom played his part very well indeed. He certainly did make one mistake, but that arose from his acting too earnestly, and it really didn't matter much. Young Herbert Jones, who lives next door but one, was Orlando.

He is a very good-looking lad, but not MR. POTTERSBY KEEPS A DIARY 13 very strong, and when he wrestled with Tom, Tom got excited, and threw him rather heavily. Herbert's mother, who is a very excitable lady, and who idolizes her son, said, quite loud out, that Tom was a brute, and that Amelia (who was applauding) ought to be ashamed of herself. If Amelia had not been very sweet-tempered, there would have been quite a quarrel, but she restrained herself, and never replied to Mrs. Jones. As she explained to me after wards, she made every allowance for her feeling jealous of our boy being so much stronger than Her bert. Of course I told her that Herbert ought really to have thrown Tom, according to the play, to which she retorted, " Why didn't he do it then ? " and triumphantly answered herself, "Because he couldn't." She added that if Tom had allowed Herbert to throw him, she would have gone straight into the house.

Julia was Rosalind, and Minnie was Celia. They looked lovely, and acted better than any. Of course Julia didn't wear the doublet and hose in the forest scene. She would never dream of doing such a thing, and I think it was rather bad taste of Bouncer to shout out from the next garden, " When does the knickerbocker scene come off? " Fortunately Amelia had never read the play, and didn't understand him, or she would have been very vexed. The Stringers, who live on the other side of us, were a considerable annoyance. The two Misses Stringer are members of the dramatic society, but our girls didn't ask them because they are so very disagreeable unless they get the best parts. This must have displeased them, for, if it was not in tentional, it was a very unfortunate coincidence that they should have invited about twenty children to play in their garden on that particular evening.

They played rounders, and made such a noise that we could hardly hear what our performers were saying. Then their ball came over into our garden ever so many times, generally falling among the actors, and it was very awkward for them to have to stop acting and throw it back again. Before the play was quite finished it began to rain, and Amelia insisted on us all going in the house. The girls wanted very much to go through with it, but their mother wouldn't hear of their being out on the damp grass ; so we all went in to have some music. After the music, my wife's Uncle Henry proposed our health. He made such a nice speech. He reminded me how he and all the family had opposed my marrying Amelia, because they had thought she might do better, both pecuniarily and socially, but he was pleased to say now that he con sidered I had done very well for her, and had in no way lowered the family tone.

Then Roper, from our office, insisted on saying a few words. Roper is one of our junior clerks, and he spoke of me in the most gratifying terms. He said I was one of the few men he had ever met who could MR. POTTERSBY KEEPS A DIARY 15 be dignified to his inferiors without being overbearing, and much more in a similar strain. After our guests had gone, Amelia asked me if I had noticed how attentive Mr. Roper had been to Julia all the evening, and inquired what his salary was, and if he had good prospects. When I satisfied her on these points, she suggested that I should ask him up quietly some evening to dine with us, because she thought he would be a nice friend for Tom.

Chapter II

He Serves His Country I HAVE always maintained that " trial by jury " is the most important item in our great charter of English liberty. Strange to say, I have never until now had the privilege to serve my country saving once, upon a coroner's jury, and, on that occasion, I was greatly disappointed at the lack of reverence shown by all concerned. It was, therefore, with mingled feelings that, the other day, I received my first summons to serve on a Crown Jury. My first impression was one of gratification, but it was at once succeeded by a keen sense of the responsibility I was called upon to undertake. I read over my summons with great care, and was greatly struck by the threatening terms in which it was couched. I could not help thinking that, to a law-abiding citizen such as I am, these threats were unnecessary, and mentally resolved that, whoever else failed, I, Augustus Pottersby, would be there to do my duty.

Dear Amelia was, naturally, rather nervous about me, although, I am proud to say, she had at the same rb time sufficient faith in me to believe that I should acquit myself with credit. Julia and Minnie were quite excited about it. They at once asked me whether they might not accompany me to the Court, and see me try a case or two. I should have been glad if I could have afforded them this pleasure, but I knew that there were at times language used and incidents disclosed in Court not at all suitable for young girls ; so I had to refuse them. Tom treated the whole affair in his own jocular way. He nearly made his mother believe that he was out on bail himself, and that I should probably have to try him. Then he told us a lot of very funny stories about jurymen. One, I remember, made me laugh very much.

It was about an Irish juryman who differed from the other eleven, and said that he had never met eleven more obstinate men in his life. I really don't know where that boy gets all his amusing stories from. His mother says she believes he invents a great many of them, and that he has all my gift of humour. I had given instructions that on the eventful morning breakfast was to be half an hour earlier than usual, in order that I might not be hurried in any way. As luck would have it, however, Susan chose that particular morning to oversleep herself, and breakfast vvas later, instead of earlier. The upshot of it was, B that I had to swallow a cup of hot tea quickly, while Amelia made me a couple of sandwiches to put in my pocket. Nor did my misfortunes end here. One of the horses in my 'bus fell down, and there was such a delay before it got up again that it was just on the stroke of time when I arrived at the Law Courts.

With visions of fines and imprisonment for con tempt of Court before me, I hurried to the first policeman I saw, and, somewhat out of breath, said, " Pottersby — juryman — please." The policeman remained calm, and inquired, — " What name, sir ? " "Pottersby — juryman," I repeated. "I'm in a hurry." " So I see, sir," the policeman replied. " But I don't know Mr. Pottersby, the juryman, myself." " No, no ! " I explained. " I am Pottersby — Augustus Pottersby ! I'm a juryman, and I want to know where I am to go." Here I waved my summons in front of him. " Oh ! I understand," he answered. " Up the steps, second turning, and ask the policeman at the door. And if I were you, I should hurry up," he added, as I turned to follow his instructions. I acted on his advice, and hurried up as much as ever I could, but the fates were against me.

I kept taking wrong turnings, and meeting policemen who sent me off in different directions, but all advised me to hurry up. I have only felt as I did then on one previous occasion, and that was when I took Amelia in our young days into the Hampton Court maze, and there lost her. To add to my discomfort, I distinctly heard my name being shouted in the corridors, somewhere or other. There it was — " Au-gustus Pot-tersby ! " There was no doubt about it, but I couldn't, for the life of me, locate the sound. It seemed to me that, every time I reached the place where they had been shouting, they had just gone, and were shouting somewhere else. At last, in despair, I shouted out myself at the top of my voice, " Here I am ! Here is Augustus Pottersby ! " and waited for them to find me. This plan was successful.

Two policemen arrived, and took me into a Court which, to my surprise, was quite close to where I had been standing. Then I was placed before a functionary, who told me that he was going to fine me a pound a minute for being late. There were a good many people in Court at the time, who seemed to be greatly amused at this. However, collecting myself with a great effort, I began to explain to the functionary how it had all happened. My explanation seemed to satisfy him. Although he laughed all the time, and cut me short before I had finished, he remitted my sine, and instructed me to get into the box without delay. I found eleven other gentlemen there before me, among whom I was pleased to recognise our milk man, Jenkins, and Stubbs, our greengrocer, two very worthy and conscientious tradesmen.

There was a seat left for me at the entrance of the box in the front row, and I was glad to slip into it without causing any further disturbance. Then we were sworn by a gentleman whose re markable rapidity of utterance was quite astounding. In fact, it detracted so much from the impressiveness of the oath that I quite expected he would be rebuked for his lack of reverence. However, it was allowed to pass. Then it was that I first discovered that I was the foreman. I have no idea how it happened. Certainly the honour was not of my seeking. I felt complimented, of course, although the post brought with it greater responsibility, and I braced myself up to do my duty as a citizen. When the Judge came in, he bowed to us very politely, and we all rose and returned his salutation — a small attention, perhaps, but one that gratified me very much.

The first three prisoners pleaded " Guilty," and were sentenced without any appeal to us. The next one, however, demanded our attention. He was not at all a pleasant-looking man, but I made up my mind that I would not be biassed by his personal appearance. He was entitled to a fair trial, and, so far as I was concerned, he should have it. The charge against him was one of attempting to pass counterfeit money, with intent to defraud. His plea to this was " Not guilty." The prosecuting counsel made out a strong case against him, and, by the time he had finished, I was reluctantly forced to the conclusion that the man was guilty. However, the defence put quite a new complexion on the case. The prisoner's counsel, among other arguments, very properly stated that any gentleman of the jury might unknowingly pass bad money.

This struck home to me, as I had myself once been in such a predicament, and shall never forget how awkward I felt. When the defence was concluded I had quite changed my mind, and decided that the poor man was innocent. Then the Judge summed up. He told us, among other things, that we must not be swayed by either counsel, but must give a common-sense verdict in accordance with the evidence. So we all put our heads together, and whispered, until the Judge grew very impatient. He told us that the case was perfectly simple, but if we felt we ought to retire, we had better do so at once. Accordingly, we retired, under charge of a police man. On consultation with my fellow-jurymen, I found that seven of them had no opinion whatever ; one was under the impression that we were met to decide the length of the man's sentence ; while Mr. Jenkins and Mr. Stubbs very sensibly said that they would leave it to me, because they knew I was an honour able, upright gentleman, who would do nothing but what was right.

There was only one man who stated definitely that his verdict was " Guilty," but what an obstinate man he was ! I argued with him for more than an hour. The others left it entirely to us, and were quite ready to agree with the winner. In the end, I convinced him. He said I tired him out, but I am sure I must have convinced him, although he was too proud to say so. " All right," he said at last, " let him off; and I only hope you are his next victim." So we went into Court, and gave our verdict " Not guilty." At this, the prisoner laughed aloud, and the Judge discharged him, telling him he might thank his stars he had met a jury like us. Then he made a speech to us. He said we were hopelessly stupid, that we would not be allowed to try any more cases, but must remain in attendance until the sitting was finished.

All the time he was saying this, the obstinate man kept whispering to me, " I told you so," which was very annoy ing. My views regarding " trial by jury " are unchanged. I still look upon it as a bulwark of the nation, but some day I mean to write a letter to the Times, pointing out how officials combine to rob it of its greatness, and to prevent a conscientious juryman from fearlessly doing his duty.

Chapter III

The Canary and the Cat I FE AR I have been very neglectful of my diary lately. As a matter of fact, I have been able to think of nothing for some time past but our removal. Now it is over, I trust I shall be able to sit down and write about it calmly. I, myself, had no great desire to remove. I was quite content in our old house, but ever since our neighbours, the Bouncers, first announced that they were going to reside in a villa further out in the country, Amelia has given me no peace. Mrs. Bouncer is not at all a tactful woman, and, in spreading abroad the news of their impending change, she has so much offended her friends that four wives in our neighbourhood, in addition to my own, have induced their husbands to remove into the country, simply that they may not be patronised by her. Amelia brought all her influence to bear upon me.

She touched my sense of pride by pointing out to me that I was in quite as good a position as Bouncer THE CANARY AND THE CAT 25 and that, for my own sake, I ought to assert that position. Then she appealed to my personal tastes by tell ing me that in the country I should have far more scope to show my ability in my pet hobby — gardening. She proved to me that, as a father, it was my duty, in the interests of our two marriageable daughters, to endeavour to move in the best circles, and pointed out that these circles were not in our present locality. The girls were charmed with the idea and Tom was quite agreeable, providing that the spot selected could boast of a few good, late trains from town. So I yielded, and here we are in our country villa. It sounds very simple to say, " Here we are," but, as a matter of fact, the getting here was a very complicated matter ; so complicated, indeed, that, with the recollection fresh upon me, I have definitely made up my mind that I will never, never remove again.

The first thing we did was to consider estimates from furniture-removers, and were greatly astonished to find what widely different views they took of the contract. The highest quotation was ,£15, and the lowest £5. As both firms undertook to do exactly the same things, and accepted the same responsibilities, we took the lowest. This decision proved to be an error of judgment on our part. That point being settled, we began to prepare for the great event, and, I must say, we found much interest and amusement in the occupation just at first. We divided into small hunting parties, and searched the by-ways and hedges of the house. This was what Amelia described as a preliminary straightening up, and some truly remarkable dis coveries were made, which we announced to each other much in the following manner : — JULIA (in ihe garret): "Mother! you know that photograph of Aunt Jane we could never find?

I've just come across it here in an old boot." MOTHER (in the kitchen) : " Well ! Here are some perfectly new serviettes pushed away with the dusters in the kitchen drawers. Susan ! Where is that girl ? " SUSAN (in the back bedroom) : " Please, 'm ! I've just found the coal-hammer as was lost under the bed." MYSELF (in the cellar) : " Dear ! dear ! My old fishing-rod, after all these years. I really must have a day's fishing somewhere this summer." Minnie (in the drawing-room): "Oh, Julia! Here's a pile of old music I haven't seen for ever so long ! I'm going to try it over." Tom, unfortunately, happened to be very busy at THE CANARY AND THE CAT 27 the office just at this time, so we saw very little of him. This was a pity, because he might have been very useful. As time went on matters became more serious.

We ceased to have meals at regular intervals, and after I had, at much expenditure of knuckle-skin, pulled up all the carpets, we were in no humour to be surprised at or interested in anything. Our neighbours were very attentive. They were always dropping in to see how we were getting on. I trust that none of my family could ever be guilty of impoliteness or inhospitality, but there were times when the neighbours were very trying. Young Roper was particularly assiduous. He came round every evening to see if he could do anything for us. Amelia is certain that he is at tracted by one of the girls. She thought, at first, that it was Julia, but now she is inclining to the belief that it is Minnie. At last came the important day. The firm had guaranteed that their men would arrive at seven a.m., and respectfully urged us to be ready.

By the time mentioned we were up, and had breakfasted frugally on cold milk and bread, but the men had not arrived. They came about eight o'clock, and the foreman asked me if I had any breakfast ready for them. As we hadn't, he instructed me to give them three or four shillings, in order that they might forage for themselves. I gave him the money, and they retired at once. Judging from the direction they took, I think they must have breakfasted principally on beer. Young Roper (who had got a day off to assist us) then arrived, and we all wandered about aimlessly, and reminded each other of things that ought to have been done. Each one undertook some particular duty, mine being to see that our cat and canary arrived safely. About nine o'clock the men returned, and took off their coats. The foreman glanced round compre hensively, and gave it as his professional opinion that they " would soon shift these bits of sticks," which was reassuring.

This foreman was certainly scrupulously honest He kept worrying us by unearthing broken crockery and plant-pots, and ask ing if they were to go.. He also insisted on our continually inspecting the furniture, and pointing out minute scratches, calling us to witness that his firm was not responsible. We found out that the quickest way to get a piece of furniture removed was to sit on it. No sooner had we settled down for a short rest on any chair, table, or sofa, than a man came and wanted that particular article at once. Soon they went to lunch, and, so far as I could judge, their lunch was as their breakfast. During their absence I took the opportunity of re- THE CANARY AND THE CAT 29 minding the others pf all they had to do, and they all reminded me about the canary and the cat. I told them that if they left me alone the canary and the cat would be all right, and I only hoped that what they took in hand would be completed in as satisfactory a manner.

After lunch, I heard a crash in one of the bed rooms. Going up to see what was the matter, I met the foreman coming down, bearing with him the fragments of a valuable water-jug. He said, " Are you aware that this is broken, sir ? " I replied, " So I see. Who broke it ? " He said he couldn't tell me that, but merely wished me to note that his firm was not responsible. While the men were at dinner, I remember Amelia, the girls and young Roper annoyed me very much by persistently reminding me about the canary and the cat. However, I thought I might as well go into the kitchen and see to them while I had the chance. There I discovered that the cat, seizing its opportunity, had eaten the canary. This was very annoying, but, I thought, the cat and canary being now merged into one, I had one thing less to think about, and there was a double reason for my remembering the cat.