Good Stories of Man and other Animals, etc

Front matter

'A word first, if you please, sir.' GOOD STORIES OF MAN AND OTHER ANIMALS By CHARLES READE, D.C.L. WITH ILLUSTRATIONS EY E. A. ABBEY, PERCY MACQUOID AND JOSEPH NASH ILontron CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY 1SS4 [All rights reserved} CONTENTS. PAGE The Picture 1 F.EALITY 59 Tit for Tat 77 Eus . . ' 137 Born to Good-luck 151 'There's Many a Slip Twixt the Cup and the Lip' . 171 The Two Lears 205 Doubles 231 The Knight's Secret 219 A Special Constable 2G5 Suspended Animation 271 Lambert's Leap 277 Man's Life Saved by Fowls, and Woman's by a Tig . 279 Exchange of Animals 283 a LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. ' a word first, if you please, sir ' . . . Froni isjricce ' he seized her wrist with his left hand, and with his hight he tore the necklace off her neck, and dashed it to TIIE ground' . . to face p. 243 THE doubles confronted „ „ 216 A bosom serpent „ „

Part I

I am now seventy, and learning something every day — especially my ignorance. But fifty-two years ago I knew everything, or nearly — I had finished my educa tion. I knew a little Greek and Latin, a very little vernacular, a little mathematics, and a little war : could march a thousand men into a field, and even out of it again — on paper. So I left Paris, and went home to rest on my oar3. Months rolled on ; I still rested on my oars — rested on them so industriously that at last my mother, a very superior woman, took fright at my assiduous inac tivity, and bundled me out of the boat. She had an uncle who loved her, and, indeed, had reared her as a child. She wrote to him, concealing neither her maternal pride nor her maternal anxieties. He replied, ' Send the boy here, and if he is anything like you, he shall be my son and successor.' He was a notary, and had a good business.

In due course the diligence landed me far from home, at a town in Provence. A boy and an ass were waiting for me. On these beasts of burden I strapped my effects, and the quadruped conducted us by a bridle- B road through groves and by purling streams to a range of hills at whose foot nestled my uncle's villa, lawn, garden, and vineyard. The contrast was admirable. The hills, with their rocky chasms, were bold, grand, and grim ; and the little house, clothed with flowering creepers, the velvet lawn, watered twice a day, and green as emerald, and the violet plums peeping among the olive-coloured leaves, were quietly enchanting. ' Oh,' thought I, ' what a bower for a hard notary ! ' The hard notary met me with open arms, embraced me, held me out, gazed at me, said, in a broken voice, ' You are very like your darling mother,' aud embraced me again.

I was installed in a pretty bedroom with a bay-window, curtained outside by a magnolia in full bloom ; pigeons cooed outside every morning an hour before breakfast, leaves gbstened with clew, and flowers diffused sweet smells. Next day my uncle took me into the town to his office, and introduced me to his managing clerk as his partner and successor. He left me under charge of this worthy while he pursued his real vocation, bric-a-brac. He was so unfortunate as to pick up a greatbargain, a vile old jug ; he itched to be home with it ; so I had no time to master my new business that day. The good cure dined with us, and my uncle pre sented us both to him, jug and nephew — especially jug; but the cure was impartial, and took a gentle interest, real or fictitious, in us both ; he was a man of learning and piety, and had seen strange and terrible things in France ; had known great people and great vicissitudes, though now settled in a peaceful village — 'post tot naufragia tutus.' He was a gentle, amiable soul, a severe judge of nothing but cruelty and deliberate vice, and a most interesting companion if you chose ; by which I mean that he had neither the animal spirits nor the vanity which makes a man habitually fluent ; but, if you could suspend your own volubility and question him, a well of knowledge.

My uncle had two servants — Catherine, a tall, gaunt woman; tanned, hollow-eyed, and wrinkled ; and Suzon, a pretty, rosy, bright-eyed maid. Her my uncle ignored ; Catherine was his favourite — a model of industry, fidelity, and skill ; besides, she resembled antique mugs, etc., whereas little Suzon was more like modern porcelain, Provence roses, and such like ephe meral things. Suzon was always in the background, Catherine always to the fore. She cooked the dinner ; yet she must put on an apron and a cap of the past and wait upon us, even wdien the cure or a stray advocate from Paris was our guest, and Suzon would have done us credit. Erelong this latter arrangement became grievous to me, for I fell in love ; and this gaunt creature came between me and the delight of my eyes. It was my first attachment.

I had seen a good many pretty girls, and danced with them ; but I thought them frivolous, and they took me for a pedant. I was a poet, and aimed high. Accordingly I fell in love with a picture — or with the goddess it represented. My uncle's dining-room combined the salon and the salle d manger. It was very long and broad, and the round table devoted to meals could be placed in any part of the room. Eight could dine at it, yet there was room for it in the great bay-window, and it ran smoothly upon little wheels instead of casters ; so did all b2 TIIE PICTURE. 4 the chairs, ottomans, fauteuils, and sofas. Chinese vases five feet high, and always filled with flowers, guarded the four corners of the room ; vast landscapes were painted on the walls, and framed in panels of mellow oak; many pieces of curious old plate glittered on the sideboard ; a large door-way with no door, but an ample curtain of blue Utrecht velvet, led into a library of choice books splendidly bound, many of them by antique binders, the delight of connoisseurs.

Over the mantel piece of the dining-room hung a picture in an oval frame, massive, and carved with great skill and simplicity; this frame had been chipped in places, and there was a black-looking hole in the right border, and some foreign substance imbedded. The picture was a portrait (life size) of a young lady, resplendent with youth and beauty, the face oval and forehead pure, the lips and peeping teeth exquisite, and the liquid gray eyes full of languor above and fire below that arrested and enchanted. The dress had, no doubt, been selected for pictorial effect ; for the waist was long and of a natural size, and the noble bare arms adorned only with dark-blue velvet bands, which set off the satin skin. eSoft sensations and vague desires thrilled me as I gazed on this enchanting picture, and I longed and sighed for the original.

Tlie gaunt Catherine at dinner-time kept getting between me and my goddess, and I hated the sight of her, and said she purposely interposed her hideousness between me and that divine beauty. But now, having had fifty years to consider the matter, I think she stood behind her master's chair whether there was a love-sick dreamer at the table or not, and was intent on her duties not my dreams. After I had thoroughly absorbed this lovely creature's perfections, and satisfied myself that her character was as noble, arch, and loveable as her features, I found it difficult to go on living without ever hearing her enchanting voice, or kissing her hand, or, at all events, some portion or other of her dress. So I asked my uncle timidly for her name and address. The answer was discouraging : ' How should I know ?

I bought her for the frame, you may be sure; it is what the fools call rococo; that means admirable.' ' And so it is, now I look at it,' said I ; 'but oh, uncle, what is that compared with the divine effigy ? ' ' Divine fiddle-stick ! ' said he. ' Look at her little finger, all out of drawing.' Here was a notary against whom it could not be urged, ' de minimis non curat lex.' Why, I could hardly help laughing in his face. ' Her little finger ! ' I cried. ' Look at her lips, her teeth, her eyes—brimful of heaven ! ' ' That inspection I leave to you, young man,' said my uncle, calmly ; ' but I should like to know what that black mark in ihe frame is.' 'And so you shall, uncle,' said I, with the ready good-nature of youth ; and thereupon I jumped on a chair, and from the chair alighted like a bird on the mantel-piece, and my uncle ejaculated and trembled — for the wood-work, not me.

I examined the hole in the frame and found a substance imbedded. I took out my penknife, nearly fell on my uncle's head, recovered myself with a yell, cut a small slice off the substance, and reported, ' Uncle, it is lead— a bullet, a big one. There, now, 0, base world ! Ah, sovereign beauty, your charms have well-nigh cost your life. Some despairing lover, whom she esteemed but could not love, or, likelier still, some rival crushed under her charms, has committed this outrage. Oh ! oh ! oh ! There are some golden hairs attached to tlie bullet. Horrible ! horrible ! ' ' Malediction on the fools ! ' cried my uncle. ' Why could they not fire at the daub and spare the frame ? ' He added, more composedly, that evidently some mob had attacked the house during the troubles, and one of the savages had fired at it out of pure ruffianism. ' No, no,' said I ; ' that does not account for these golden hairs.

Oh, uncle, who is she? I will travel all France if necessary. Do but tell me where I can find her.' ' How can I tell what churchyard she lies in ? "Why, it is fifty years since such frames were made in this now tasteless country.' ' Cruel uncle, do not say so,' cried I, in piteous accents. 'Ah, no; they found a quaint old frame to act as a foil to her youth and beauty. I will copy her. I will make an etching of her ; I am rather skilful in that, way. I will send impressions all round France ; I will solicit information. I shall find her. She is single ; she has not found her peer in my sex. Is it likely she would ? I will surround her with homage ; I will tell her how I pined for her and sought her, and found her first because I loved her best ; I will throw myself at her feet ; I will kiss the hem of her sweet robe, I will — Gone ! ' Gone he was, in mid-tirade, with his hands in his pockets ; he escaped my juvenile eloquence, and I heard him whistling.

I loved her all the more, and lived for our first rapturous meeting. In due course another idle attempt was made to refrigerate my immortal love ; this one came from that old hag Catherine. I used to set my easel after breakfast, and work nearly all day reproducing the beloved features. One afternoon I could not stop for anything. Catherine came in and pottered about, laying the cloth for dinner. That was hard, but I thought it harder when suddenly her voice jarred upon my amorous soul with a calm observation : ' Is not that a waste of time ? ' I looked up, amazed at such an interference. ' I mean,' said she, ' that we do not need another picture of her.'' ' You don't, I dare say ; female beauty is not to your taste ; but the world requires a great many pictures of this peerless creature ; and the world shall have them, whether you like it or not.' Catherine shrugged her shoulders, and said the world could do very well without them. ' And for my part,' said she, ' I cannot think what you see so admirable in that face.' ' Look at it without envy, hatred, or malice, if you can, and then you will see.' Thus brought to book, the grim creature folded her arms and gazed on the portrait in a dignified and attentive manner that surprised me. 'I find it is beautiful,' said she, calmly. ' What a discovery ! ' ' The beauty of youth and health, and rather good features.' ' What a concession ! ' ' But I search in vain for the beauty of tlie soul.

With youth should go modesty and humility ; but here I see vanity and self-sufficiency.' ' And I see only a noble pride, tempered with such sweetness and archness. There, instead of running her down to me, when you might as well blacken the morning star, I should be truly grateful to you if you would help me find out where she lives. Alive she is ; my heart tells me so. Death, more merciful than envy, has spared those peerless features.' Catherine stared. ' Who is she ? why, what does that matter to you ? She is old enough to be your grandmother ; look at the frame.' ' Malediction on the frame ! You are as bad as my uncle. He bought her for the frame. She is not old ; she never will be old ; such beauty is immortal. Now tell me, my good Catherine. I dare say you have lived in this district all your life Gone ! ' It was too true ; the servant, like the master, had escaped my enthusiasm, and left me to my theories.

But I painted on and loved my idol in spite of them all, and held fast my determination to discover her by publishing her features from Havre to Marseilles. One day my uncle received a very welcome letter. It announced a visit from an old fellow-collegian of his, a highly distinguished person, a statesman, an ambas sador and peer of France — the Comte de Pontarlais. This thrilled me with excitement and curiosity. I had never sat at the same table with an ambassador. Only I feared our way of living would seem very humble, and worst of all, that Catherine would wait at table, and get between his excellency and our one peerless gem, the portrait of my divinity. I was all in a flutter as the hour drew near, and looked out for a carriage with outriders, whence should emerge a figure striped with broad ribbon and em blazoned with orders.

Arrived with military precision an elderly gentle man on a mule, with a small valise carried by a peasant. He was well dressed, but simply ; embraced my uncle affectionately ; and they walked up and down the grass arm in arm, to be as near one another as possible, since they met so seldom. From the lawn they entered the library ; and I was going thither somewhat shyly to be presented, when Suzon met me in wild distress. ' Oh, Monsieur Frederic ! what shall we do ? Here's Catherine been ailing this three days and scarce able to get about, and the master ordered a great dinner, and she would cook it, and not fit to stand, and she fainted away, and now she is lying down on her bed more dead than alive.' ' Poor thing ! ' said I. ' Well, you must get a woman into the kitchen, and you put on your best cap and wait.' ' Since you order it,' said Suzon, demurely, and lowered her eyelashes.

Now, this extreme deference had not been her habit hitherto. Encouraged by this piece of flattery, I added, ' And please stand behind my chair to-day instead of my uncle's. It is not that I wish to give myself im portance — ' ' The idea ! ' said Suzon. ' But that — ahem ! — his excellency — ' ' I understand,' said Suzon ; ' you wish me to have a good look at him — and so do I.' So may a man's best motives be misinterpreted by shallow minds. The next moment I entered the library, and was presented, blushing, to his excellency. He put me at my ease by his kindliness and quiet, genial manner. To be sure, such men have a different manner for different occasions. He had long studied with success the great art of pleasing. Under this charming surface, however, I could see a calm authority, and in those well-cut features Voltairian finesse.

By-and-by Suzon announced dinner, and I took that opportunity to say that poor Catherine was very ill, and his excellency would have much to excuse. His excellency interrupted me — 'My young friend, trust to my experience. Company is spoiled by service ; the fewer majestic and brainless figures stand behind our chairs, the better for us. The most delight ful party I can remember, everything was on the table, or on a huge buffet, and we helped ourselves and helped each other. Why, the very circumstance loosened our tongues, that formality would have paralysed. We puffed all the dishes, to which we invited our fair con vives, and told romantic stories about them, and not a word of truth.' Thus chatting, he entered the salle d manger and was about to take the seat my uncle waved him to, when he suddenly started back, with an ejaculation, not loud but eloquent, and his eyes fixed upon the portrait of my idol.

The very next moment he turned them with a flash of keen and almost suspicious inquiry upon my uncle ; then quietly seated himself at the table, and his host, good man, observed nothing. For my part, I was trembling with curiosity all dinner-time, and longing to ask the great man if he had seen some living beauty who resembled that portrait ; but I was too shy. My eyes kept travelling from him to the portrait and back, but I said nothing. However, his quick eye must have detected me, for, after dinner was over, and Suzon ordered to make the coffee, liis excellency, who was peeling a pear very carefully looked steadily at me, and said, ' May I ask how that portrait came here ? ' ' Oh, yes, monsieur le comte,' said I. ' My uncle bought it in a bric-a-brac shop.' My uncle hastened to justify his conduct — it was the frame which had tempted him. ' However,' said he, ' the picture, incorrect as it is — just look at that little finger ! — has found a rapturous admirer in my nephew there, who, you may have remarked, is very young.' ' It has,' said I, stoutly. ' It reflects her beauty and her expression, and no bad picture does that.

I'd give the world to find out the artist, for then he would tell me where I can find the divine original.' ' That does not follow,' said the count, drily ; ' these fair creatures keep in one place during the sitting ; but in the course of the next forty years or so they consider themselves at liberty to move about like the rest of us.' ' Oh, of course,' said I ; ' but such beauty must leave traces everywhere. I am sure, if I knew who painted the picture, I could find the original.' ' I will put that to the test,' said his excellency. ' Come, now— I painted the picture ! ' I bounded off my chair with the vivacity of youth, and stood staring at our guest with all my eyes. ' You ! ' said I, panting. ' Astonishing ! ' said my uncle. Then, calmly, ' That accounts for the little finger.' ' For shame, uncle !' said I. 'It's a masterpiece. Ah, sir, you must have been inspired by — Who is she ? Who was she ? ' ' She was my betrothed ! '

Part II

I stared at the speaker, first stupidly, then incredu lously, then with a growing conviction that the marvellous revelation was nevertheless true ; then my uncle and I, by one impulse, turned round and looked at the picture with a fresh gush of wonder ; then we turned back to the count again and glared, but found no words. At last I managed to stammer out, ' Betrothed to her, and not married ! ' ' Strange, is it not ? ' said the count, with a satirical shrug. < Permit me,' said he, with ironical meekness, ' to urge in my defence that I have not married any one else,' I said I could well understand that. ' Pooh ! ' said my uncle ; ' he has been taken up with affairs of state.' ' That is true,' said his excellency ; ' yet, to be frank, my celibacy is partly due to that fair person. She administered a lesson at a time of life when instruction deeply engraved remains in the mind for ever.' ' Tell us all about it,' said my uncle, ' if it is not a sore subject.' 'Alas! my friend,' said Monsieur de Pontarlais, after forty years, that subject is too sore to handle ?

Even the tender poets versify their youthful groans. I will tell the whole story — not to you, on whom it will be comparatively wasted, but to my young friend oppo site. He is evidently fascinated by my fair betrothed, and her eye enchains him — as it once did me ' I blushed furiously at this keen old man's sagacity, but stood my ground, and avowed the rapturous interest I felt in a creature so peerless. Then came to me a bewitching hour. An accom plished old man told us a thrilling passage of his youth, with every charm and grace that could adorn a spoken narrative. The facts struck so deep than I can reproduce them in order; but the tones, the glances, the subtle irony, the governed and well-bred emotion — where are they ? They linger still like distant chimes in my memory, and must die with me. ' I was born,' said Monsieur de Pontarlais, ' when parents married their children, and the young people had hardly a voice.

At ten years of age I was betrothed to Mademoiselle Irene, only daughter of the Marquis de Groucy, my father's fast friend. Between tbat period and my coming of age great changes took place in France, and a terrible revolution drew near. But my father made light of all plebeian notions, so did his friend ; and, indeed, if they had listened to any thing so absurd as the new cry of Liberty, Equality, and Fraternity seemed to them, it would not even then have occurred to them to depart from the rights of nature ; and was it not one of those rights that parents should christen, educate, confirm, and marry their children when and how they thought proper? 'Accordingly, at twenty-one years of age, my parents sent me into this very province to marry and make acquaintance with Mademoiselle de Groucy.

The marquis, a tall military figure, bronzed by the suns of Provence, met me with his gun slung at his back. He embraced me warmly, and his dogs barked round me with the ready cordiality of sporting dogs. I felt at home directly. ' The marquis aud I dined en tete-a-tete ; I was anxious to see my bride, but she did not appear. After dinner we adjourned to the salon, but she did not appear. I cast timid glances toward all the doors ; the marquis observed, and rang a bell, and ordered coffee and his daughter. The coffee came directly, and while we were sipping it a female figure glided in at the great/ door, and seemed to traverse the parquet by some undulating movement which was quite noise less, though everybody else clattered on the floor at that epoch. ' Instead of the high shoes, bare neck, and short, slight waist of the day, she was in rational shoes, and a loose dress of India muslin that moved every way with her serpentine figure, and veiled without hiding her noble arms and satin bust.

As she drew nearer her loveliness dazzled me. I rose and bowed respectfully. Her father apologised for this model of symmetry and beauty. ' " Be pleased to excuse her dress," said he. " It is my fault ; they came roaring at me with news of a wild boar, and I forgot to tell her who was coming to-day." 'I said I did not pretend to judge ladies' dresses, but thought the costume beautiful. I suppose my eyes conveyed that I knew where the beauty lay. The young lady edged quietly away, and put her father a little between us ; but there was no tremor, nor pain ful, blushing shyness. 'Afterward, at her father's order, she poured me out a cup of coffee with the loveliest white hand I had ever seen, and though reserved, she was more self possessed than I was. ' The marquis invited me to a game of piquet.

I was off my guard, and consented. The beauty saw us fairly engaged, then glided out of the room, leaving me a little mortified with myself as a wooer ; for at twenty-one years of age nature prevails over custom, and we desire to please our bride even before we marry her. ' Next day, M. de Groucy, who was a mighty sports man, invited me to join him ; but with some hesitation and confusion I said I was very desirous to pay respect to my fiancee, and to show her how much I admired her already. ' My host thanked me gracefully in his daughter's name, intimated that in his clay marriage used to come first, and then courtship, but said I was at liberty to reverse the order of things if I chose : it would all ccme to the same at the end. ' On this understanding I devoted myself to wooing my beautiful betrothed.

She gave me no direct encouragement, but she did not avoid me. She was often in her own room ; and out of it she was generally guarded by a stately gouvemante, one Mademoiselle Donon. But this lady had the discretion to keep guard a few yards off, and I treated her as a lay figure. These encounters soon destroyed my peace of mind, and filled all my veins with an ardent passion for the peer less creature whose dead likeness hangs there — and it really is a likeness ; but where are the prismatic ch.anges that illumined her mobile features ? And all of them, even scorn and anger, were beautiful ; but each softer sentiment divine. 'Unfortunately, while she set me on fire she remained quite cool ; though she did not avoid me personally, her mind somehow evaded mine on nearly every topic that young people delight in.

She listened with polite indifference to all my descriptions of Paris and its gaieties ; and when I assured her she would be the acknowledged belle of that brilliant city, she said quietly that it would not compensate her for the loss of her beloved mountains ; and she turned from me to the window and fixed a long, loving look upon them that set me yearning for one such glance. 'She rarely contradicted me, but that must have been pure indifference, for she never doubted about anything ; I soon found out that trait in her character. ■> ' One day a local newspaper related a popular out rage in our neighbourhood. The rude peasants, in their political ardour, had sacked and destroyed a noble chateau. ' " Where will this end ? " said I. " Will revo lutionary madness ever corrupt the simple, primitive people one meets about this chateau ?

" ' " Why, it is done already," said my host. " Emis saries from Paris, preachers of anarchy, are wriggling like weasels all through the nation, with books and pamphlets and discourses teaching the common people that all titles are an affront to the ignoble, and all hereditary property a theft from those who have no ancestors. (Wait till a peasant gets a landed estate, and then see if his son will resign it to the first beggar that covets it.) Why, I caught two of their inflam matory treatises in this very house. By the same token, I sent them to the executioner at Marseilles, with a request that he would burn them publicly, and charge me his usual fee for the extinction of vermin." 'During this tirade Irene changed colour, and seemed to glow with ire ; but she merely said, or rather, ground out between her clenched teeth, "No thing will stop the march of free opinion in France." ' " I am afraid not," said her father.

" Still I have some little faith left in charges of cavalry and dis charges of grape-shot." ' " A fine argument ! " said she, haughtily. ' I was so unlucky as to suggest that it was one the virtuous citizens who had just sacked the neighbouring chateau would probably understand better than any other. The father laughed his approval, but the c daughter turned on me with such a flash of furious re sentment that I quailed under her eye : it glittered wickedly. Nothing more was said, but from that hour I learned that my glacier was inflammable. ' It was not long before I received another lesson of the same kind. I happened to remark one day that Mademoiselle Donon, the gouvernante, as I have called her, must have been a handsome woman in her day. " Handsome ? " said the marquis ; " there was not such a figure and such a face in the country-side ; and the late marquise used to urge her to marry, and offered her a handsome dowry to wed one of her rustic admirers ; and I offered to lick him into shape and employ him in the house ; but poor Donon, accustomed to good society and French, could never bring her mind to marry a rustic and patter patois." ' " What blind vanity !