The Works of T. H, comic and serious, in prose and verse. Edited, with notes, by his son (Thomas Hood)

Front matter

THE WORKS i IF THOMAS HOOD. COMIC AND SERIOUS, IN PROSE AND VERSE. EDITED, WITH NOTES, BY HIS SON. VOLUME III. LONDON : EDWARD MOXON & CO., DOVER STREET. 1862. [The Right of Translation is reserved.] LONDON : BRADBURY AND EVANS, PRINTERS, WHITEFKIAES. CONTENTS. 1834. PAGE The Comic Annual fop. 1834 : — Preface 1 Ode to Sir Andrew Agnew, Bakt 4 Queen Mab 8 Reviews : — The Maid-Servant's Friend t* Tales and Popular Fictions, their Resemblance and Transmission from Country to Country . . 13 Announcement of Comic Annual for 1835 . . . . 16 Tylney Hall 19 Dedication 21 Preface to the New Edition 22 Introduction 27 Chapters I. to XXXV 36—445 HOOD'S COMPLETE WORKS. 1834. [The " Comic " for this jrear appears to be without any dedication. The "Ode to Sir Andrew Agnew " is the only paper in this voluni not reprinted in " Hood's Own."] THE COMIC ANNUAL FOR 1834.

Preface

. For the fifth time, like the annual woodcock, I make my autumnal appearance ; and, according to my habit, am to be found in the same haunt as the year before, frequenting leaves, and wood, and covers. Since the last season I have taken many flights far and near, and with all my little power of suction have plied my bill around the springs of the humorous and the comic, which are, in the words of Bewick, " oozing rills that are rarely frozen." In such plashy nooks the woodcock is said to plump himself up in a single night — and the sports man who beats these pages in pursuit of mirth, must judge whether I have employed my time in laughing and growing fat, according to the proverb. Should I be received with the same relish and welcome as that estimable bird of VOL. III. T.

PREFACE.

TO COMIC ANNUAL FOR 1834. 2 passage, I shall indeed consider myself "flushed with success." To descend from metaphor, and stoop, as Pope says, to truth, I feel a sincere Captain Ross-like pleasure in re-appear ing before my friends; although I cannot expect quite so pointed and fervent a welcome as a gentleman, whose absence has kept all his well-wishers sitting on magnetic pins and needles. It is likely therefore that the lord mayor will not ask me to feast with him ; but I am given to understand that eleven copies of my volume will certainly be invited to Stationers' Hall. This, to an author, is more than enough of civic distinction. As usual, I have endeavoured to conciliate the utilitarians, by mingling a little instruction with amusement, after the manner of the Library of Entertaining Knowledge.

Thus the Reformer of our Legal Institutions will meet with a few submissive hints ; and so will the religious Formalist on the exuberant exercise of the holy-stone on the upper deck ; while an improvement is suggested in naval poetry ; and a protest is entered against the British Leaf, even as King James counter-blasted the Virginian. I would fain be of use to my countrymen ; and only regret that I have not the power ascribed to me by a very respectable householder of the neighbourhood, who has repeatedly called when I have been at home to inquire " when I should be out ? " After reminding me that last year I bad made game of the Zoological Farm, and satirised the Fasting, and taken off the Water-drinking — " Why," said he, " can't you tale off the Assessed Taxes ? " It will of course be objected as heretofore, by certain reviewers, that my pages swarm with puns ; but having taken out a certificate to " shoot folly as it flies," I shall persist in using the double barrel as long as meanings will

PREFACE.

TO COMIC ANNUAL FOR 1834. 3 rise in coveys. As a Cambridge coachman, who had acquired the habit from the collegians, once remarked to me, " I do not see why words should not now and then be put into double-harness as well as horses." The late Admiral Burney, of all the adventures in his voyages, used to look back with the utmost pleasure on the fact of his having planted the Paronomasia in the Society Islands, by making the first pun ever uttered in the Otaheitan language. The natives received the novelty with a shout of approbation, and patronised it so warmly that, according to recent voyagers, they are now become as expert at double-tonguing as Nicholson or Drouet. It is usual in the preface to an annual for the editor to offer his acknowledgments to his contributors ; but as I have nobody to thank but myself; — for as Coriolanus says, " Alone I did it," — the acknowledgment will be better made in private, after the fashion of the eccentric Dr. Monsey, who, when he had taken his own advice for his own indisposition, used to transfer the usual physician's fee from his right-hand pocket to his left.

I must not omit, how ever, to express here how much I feel indebted to Miss Kelly for a copy of " Sally Simpkin's Lament," and still more so for the original of Sally herself, in the entertainment at the Strand Theatre ; a personation of such admirable truth and nature, that even an incredulous public will be apt to take my Ballad Narratives for Facts not Fictions. With this introduction I commend my fifth volume to its buyers and sellers, and looking forward to " fresh fields and pastures new," I throw up my literary heels, and exclaim with the Peri in Lalla Rookh — " J°y. j°y r°r ever, my task is done, The gate is pass'd, and heaven is won ! " B2 " At certain seasons he makes a prodigious clattering with his bill." Selbv. 44 The bill is rather long, flat, and tinged with green."— Bewick.

Oh Andrew Fairservice — but I beg pardon, You never labour'd in Di Vernon's garden, On curly kale and cabbages intent — ■ Andrew Churchservice was the thing I meant ; You are a Christian, I would be the same, Although we differ, and I'll tell you why, Not meaning to make game, I do not like my Church so very High ! When people talk, as talk they will, About your bill, They say, among their other jibes and smaU jeers, That, if you had your way, You'd make the seventh day As overbearing as the Dey of Algiers. Talk of converting Blacks — You make a thing so horrible of one day, Each nigger they will bet a something tidy, * Sir Andrew Agnew was the author of a bill entitled 4I The Lord's Day Observance Bill," which he described as a bill " to prevent all manner of work on the Lord's day." It enacted, among other things, that any one who should be present at any meeting, assembly, or concourse of people, for any " pastime of public indecorum, inconvenience, or nuisance, or for public debating upon or discussing any subject, or for public lecture, address, or speech, or who shall be present at any news-room or club-room, shall forfeit for the first offence any sum not less than 5s., nor more than 10s. ; for the second offence not less than 10s., nor more than 20s. ; and for every subsequent offence not less than 20s., nor more than £5." — Note to American Edition.

Would rather be a heathenish Man Friday, Than your Man Sunday ! So poor men speak, Who, once a week, Perhaps, after weaving artificial flowers, Can snatch a glance of Nature's kinder bowers, And revel in a bloom That is not of the loom, Making the earth, the streams, the skies, the trees, A Chapel of Ease. Whereas, as you would plan it, Walled in with hard Scotch granite, People all day should look to their behaviours ; — But though there be, as Shakspeare owns, "Sermons in stones," Zounds ! would you have us work at them like paviours % Spontaneous is pure devotion's fire ; And in a green wood many a soul has built A new Church, with a fir-tree for its spire, Where Sin has prayed for peace, and wept for guilt, Better than if an architect the plan drew ; We know of old how medicines were backed, But true Religion needs not to be quacked By an Un-merry Andrew !

Suppose a poor town-weary sallow elf At Primrose-hill would renovate himself, Or drink (and no great harm) Milk genuine at Chalk Farm ; The innocent intention who would baulk, And drive him back into St. Bennet Fink For my part, for my life, I cannot think A walk on Sunday is "the Devil's Walk." But there's a sect of Deists, and their creed Is D — ing other people to be d — d ; Yea, all that are not of their saintly level, They make a pious point To send, with an " aroint," Down to that great Fillhellenist, the Devil. To such, a ramble by the River Lea, Is really treading on the " Banks of D — ."/ Go down to Margate, wisest of law-makers, And say unto the sea, as Canute did (Of course the sea wiU do as it is bid), " Tbis is the Sabbath — let there be no breakers ! '' Seek London's Bishop, on some Sunday morn, And tiy him with your tenets to inoculate ; Abuse his fine souchong, and say in scorn, " Tbis is not Churchman's chocolate !

" Or, seek Dissenters at their mid-day meal, And read them from your Sabbath BiU some passages, And while they eat their mutton, beef, and veal, Shout out with holy zeal — ■ " These ai-e not Chappel's sausages ! " Suppose your Act should act up to your will, Yet how will it appear to Mrs. Grundy, To hear you saying of this pious bill, " It works well — on a Sunday ! " To knock down apple-stalls is now too late, Except to starve some poor old harmless madam ; — You might have done some good, and changed our fate, Could you have upset that which ruined Adam ! 'Tis useless to prescribe salt-cod and eggs, Or lay post-horses under legal fetters, While Tattersall's on Sunday stirs its Legs, Folks look for good examples from their Betters ! Consider — Acts of Parliament may bind A man to go where Irvings are discoursing ; But as for forcing " proper frames of mind," Minds are not framed, like melons, for such forcing .' Remember, as a Scottish legislator, The Scotch Kirk always has a Moderator ; Meaning, one need not ever be sojourning In a long Sermon Lane without a turning.

Such grave old maids as Portia and Zenobia May like discourses with a skein of threads, And love a lecture for its many heads ; But as for me, I have the Hydra-phobia. Religion one should never overdo : Right glad I am no minister you be, For you would say your service, sir, to me, Till I should say, " My service, sir, to you." Six days made all that is, you know, and then, Came that of rest, by holy ordination, As if to hint unto the sons of men, After creation should come re-creation. Read right this text, and do not further search To make a Sunday Workhouse of the Church. QUEEN MAB. 8 [It was probably during this year that the little poem of « Queen Mab" was written. I think "Precocious Piggy" must have been written about the same date. _ The rest of this year contains Notices of various books for the "Athenæum."] QUEEN MAB.

A little fairy comes at night, Her eyes are blue, her hair is brown, With silver spots upon her wings, And from the moon she nutters down. She has a little silver wand, And when a good child goes to bed She waves her wand from right to left, And makes a circle round its head. And then it dreams of pleasant things, Of fountains filled with fairy fish, And trees that bear delicious fruit And bow their branches at a wish : Of arbours filled with dainty scents From lovely flowers that never fade ; Bright flies that glitter in the sun, And glow-worms shining in the shade : And talking birds with gifted tongues, For singing songs aud telling tales, And pretty dwarfs to show the way Through fairy hills and fairy dales. But when a bad child goes to bed. From left to right she weaves her rings, And then it dreams all through the night Of only ugly, horrid things !

Then lions come with glaring eyes, And tigers growl, a dreadful noise, And ogres draw their cruel knives, To shed the blood of girls and boys. Then stormy waves rush on to drown, Or raging flames come scorching round, Fierce dragons hover in the air, And serpents crawl along the ground. Then wicked children wake and weep, And wish the long black gloom away ; But good ones love the dark, and find The night as pleasant as the day. REVIEW. The Maid-Servant's Friend. By a Lady brought up at the Foundling Hospital. London ; Onwhyn. The housekeeper who peruses the above title, and then reads the work itself, will meet with an agreeable surprise. Every master and mistress in the United Kingdom knows what a maid-servant's friend is — sometimes he is a brother, sometimes a cousin (often a cousin), and sometimes a father, who really wears well and carries his age amazingly.

He comes down the area, in at a window, or through a door left ajar. Sometimes a maid-servant, like a hare, has many friends ; the master of the house often, washing his hands in the back kitchen, feels behind the door for the jack-towel, and lays hold of a friend's nose — friends are shy ; sometimes he breaks a friend's shins while plunging into the coal cellar for a shovel of nubblies. We speak feelingly, our own abode having been once turned into a Friends' Meeting house, a fact we became aware of through a smoky chimney, but a chimney will smoke when there is a journeyman baker up it. Having perused the little book, a work of all work, by a lady brought up at the Foundling, and having an earnest desire to " put our houses in order," we determined to set our establishment upon the lady's footing, and to act ourselves, and make our servants act, as though our conduct was in print.

We confess we are not quite satisfied with the results — a few of which our readers shall know. They are of course our masters, and we are naturally anxious, like all good servants, to give them warning. Touching Fires. The following are the lady's directions : — 44 When a fire happens give an instant alarm. Beware of opening doors, windows, &c, to increase the fire by a current of air. Endeavour to remain as collected as possible. See that the family are assembled, and that none are missing. First save lives, then property. Think of the ways of escape — by the stairs if no better way. Creep along a room where the fire is, and creep down stairs backwards on hands and knees (heated air ascends), come down stairs with a pillow before your face and a wet blanket round the body, hold your breath, or try the roof of an adjoining house.

Throw out of the window a feather-bed to leap upon in the last extremity ; fasten fire-escapes to the bed-posts ; first send children down by a sack fastened to a rope, taking care of the iron spikes and area • then, lower yourself." We got our new servant to work the foregoing problem as she is strange to the ways of the house. She did creep down stairs backward on her hands and knees as advised but for want of a good look out, took a wrong turn and escaped into the coal-skuttle. She then returned and tried the front way, with a pillow before her face and a wet blanket round her body, and would, no doubt, have had a lumbago if she had walked straight into the flames. Again she returned, with unwearied industry, and stepped on to the roof of the next house, — but it turned out that there was no next house, and she gave over any further attempt at escape.

The footman fastened fire-escapes to the bed-posts, the consequence of which was, that the house was gutted by two gentlemen of easy honesty — servants' friends, no doubt. The children were carefully let down in a sack as directed, but the servant "lowered herself" by carefully balancing them, into the burning parlour, in her care to avoid the spikes. Touching Thieves. The book says, "On Sundays, during Divine service, when the family are at church, il is extremely dangerous to open the door to any one that knocks. ... I would therefore advise you to answer all strangers who may come at that time from the area or an upper window. . . . Let no person who is not well known to you enter the house, either when you are alone in it, or early in the morning before the family have risen. These villains some times come as footmen, with a message from some person whose name they make use of ; sometimes as porters, with a basket from an inn, with a present from the country ; ... but whatever their pretences be, let them wait — it is preferable to appear uncivil than by your carelessness expose your master and mistress to be robbed, and yourself probably ill-treated."

On a given Sunday, our servant Sally acted as per advice. The consequences were, that on returning from church, we were refused admittance into our own house — a friend's invitation to an agreeable Literary Dinner was not taken in ; and a couple of ducks and a goose from the Swan with Two Necks were refused. A young man, however, was let in, who was well known to her, and he quitted the house with a dozen tablespoons and a soup-ladle. There are many whole some warnings against what Winifred Jenkins calls the mail sex, whether master, lodger, or apprentice ; but there is an unaccountable omission of the New Police — those friends of social order and servant-maids. Neither are the wily arts of bakers' men, glaziers, or butchers sufficiently guarded against, who get so frequently into the hearts of housemaids, and leave them again without a month's warning.

We would advise their introduction in the next edition. For the rest, "this little book," as the lady says, "must speak for itself" — or in other words, give itself a written character. We heartily recommend it to be read and studied by every maid-servant, that is to say, when every maid servant can read — and that the trouble of the perusal be " considered in their wages." Sincerely, also, do we join in the confident anticipation that " the noblemen and gentle men who preside over the Fire Insurance Companies will feel a pleasure in giving publicity to a work " which recommends, in cases of house-warming, the creeping down stairs back wards on the hands and knees — and that, by way of " making assurance doubly sure," they will befriend the servant-maids by furnishing each with an appropriate brazen badge to be worn on the occasion.

REVIEW. Tales and Popular Fictions, their Resemblance and Transmission from Country to Country. By Thomas Keightley. London : Whittaker & Co. This is a delightful and amusing book ; but the Utilitarian will sneer at it ; and we can vividly picture in our mind's eye the look of the scornful gentleman " who has written some things on political economy," on hearing the author discourse of classical mythology. We can fancy him elevating his cui bono good-for-nothing eyebrows, turning up his nose studded with blacks from a steam-funnel, plunging his hands into his pockets in search of the circulating medium, pursing up his Malthusian ogre-like mouth, and then shuffling off with two feet imbued with the Corn Question, and in a regular parallel with each.other, from taking his daily pedestrian exercise on a railroad.

For our own parts, we have been once children, and have some hopes of a second childhood, and therefore cordially concur in the sentiment of the great Luther : — " I would not, for any quantity of gold, part with the won derful tales whichl have retained from my earliest youth, or have met with in my progress through life." " Many years ago," says Mr. Keightley, " I chanced to read in a newspaper an interesting account of the loss of a ship ; but in what part of the world it occurred I am now unable to recollect. The narrative stated that the crew and pas sengers saved themselves on two desert islets at some distance from each other. They remained for some time separate. At length they joined, and made thenway to a friendly port. To their no small surprise, they found that, during their state of separation, they had fallen on precisely the TALES AND POPULAR FICTIONS. 14 same expedients for the supply of their wants.

As they had been in a state of nearly total destitution, the vessel having gone down, these expedients were necessarily various and numerous, and many of them were remarkably ingenious. "This little narrative made a strong impression on my mind. I often reflected on it. I compared with it other phenomena as they presented themselves, and insensibly fell into the habit of viewing man as an inventive and inde pendent, rather than a merely imitative being." We quite agree with Mr. Keightley iu his theory, and prefer, like him, to look upon man as something better than a monkey or a mocking-bird. Certain antiquaries are too fond of cackling over mare's nests, of proclaiming casual coincidences as direct plagiarisms, and tracing all similar fictions to one source, as if the human imagination had so small a ground-plot, that it was compelled on the same foundation to raise story after story, like the architects of Old Reekie.

Such pleasant persons will derive the- " Histoiy of Jack the Giant Killer " from David and Goliah, and will discover in the amour of Jupiter and Leda, the original of that rhyme of the nursery, — 14 Goosey, goosey, gander, Where will you wander ? Up stairs, and down stairs, And in my lady's chamber.' Magic is an essential ingredient in old romance, and we wonder these ingenious gentlemen have never proved that necromancy (by Drayton called nigromancy) was, in fact, negro-man-cy, and derived from the real Black Art Obeah. There are other cases, however, where " Popular Stories and Fictions " appear to belong in common to the most remote nations, the resemblance consisting, not merely in TALES AND POPULAR FICTIONS. 15 verbal coincidences, associations of sentiment and expression, or occasional identity of incident, but in a continued cohe rence and community of circumstance, which prove them to be as intimately related as the Siamese Twins.

Mr. Keight ley, with his great learning and diligent research, has col lected some very curious examples of these legendary phenomena, and the migration of these tales of passage from one land to another is as wonderful as that of the swallow. Thus we find the enchanted flying horse of the Arabian Nights alighting in France, by M. Gallaud ; and again, we find a Neapolitan story caught up into the air (like Bedreddin Hassan by the the geni), and set down again on its legs in Russia. But what will the English reader think and feel when he is told that the racy wine of romance, which he imagined to be home-made, he has been drinking almost " neat as imported " from Germany, Italy, Denmark, and Persia 1 " Jack the Giant Killer " seems to belong to us but by letters of naturalization ; and as to Whittington's cat, it is literally a cat of nine tales, and is proved by the parish registers of Kat-holm to have been kittened before Sir Richard was born within the sound of Bow bells.

The Danes, who have effected this incursion on our popular London legend, have made a similar descent on the tradition ground of the Swiss ; and the historian of " William Tell " is shown to have drawn the long-bow in behalf of his hero. The famous shoot is discovered to have beeu grafted on an elder-stock of the tenth century, when the same feat of archery was performed by one Toko, long before the Hel vetian's golden-pippin was in the pip. ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE COMIC FOR 1835. 16 [In October the following letter to his publishers forms my father's announcement of the " Comic," and his novel of " Tylney Hall."] Gentlemen, I find it has been industriously reported that I have accepted office under Lord Melbourne ; and that, there fore, the above first-mentioned work will be discontinued in favour of more important public duties ; a story, I beg to say, that has been built without any foundation, and conse quently pays Truth no ground-rent.

To use the language of the turf, I am not placed. As counter-evidence, you will have in November to dispose of the usual number of my annual remembrances to inquiring friends ; for the Comic is actively in progress. No steel pen could be harder at it than my goose-quill; and Messrs. Wright and Folkard are as busy as Burke was, according to Goldsmith, — 41 Cutting blocks with a razor, though better tools than razors have come into use since the great Edmund was a wood engraver. In the meantime I send you "Tylney Hall" : a novel which has been as long announced as some comets, and as notorious as those fiery tadpoles for not keeping its appointments. But here it is at last ; and although it has been in hand some six years, it will take no longer in the perusal than if it had been written in six weeks.

Such is the reader's advantage over the author ; thus at Garroway's a ton of " midnight oil " is disposed of by inch of candle. You may tell the little inquisitive old gentleman who haunts your premises, "poking questions at you with an ivory-headed cane," that I do not know one Mr. Purkis, that I never was in Liverpool, and that consequentlv the ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE COMIC FOR 1835. 17 dinner at Alderman Barber's in Mersey Street, was perfectly a Barmecide's feast to Yours, very truly, Thomas Hood. Lake House, Oct. 1, 1834. [But, in spite of the hope expressed that the "Comic" would be out in November, the public did not see the " Comic" until after De cember. The delay — probably the result of ill-health, either his own or that of my mother, who at this time was seriously indisposed, as readers of the ' ' Memorials " will remember — was, however, amply atoned for by my father in the following characteristic letter to the Editor of the "Athenæum," written on the day after Christmas-day.]

Dear Sir, I beg to lay before you the following letters. As a good deal of bad language has passed, I must request you, like Sir Robert Peel versus Dr. Lushington, " to print the correspondence." I trust it will set at rest a question which has been raised by certain individuals — namely, whether this year the " Comic" will come out if it be called upon. I am, dear Sir, Yours very truly, Thomas Hood. Lake House, Dec. 26, 1S34. (copy.) The Editors of " Le Panorama des Deux Mondes " presents their compliments at Monsieur Thomas Hood and requests to take a copy of the Comic Annual for the purpose of ex tracting some bits out of the author, which will be esteemed a considerable favour. It is proposed to say in the end " all these pieces of works are by Mr. Hood so well known for a quiet humour."

The Panorama of Two Worlds occupies one vol. iii. c ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE COMIC FOR 1835. large circle, to which the Editors will feel happy to introduce a volume " fort amusant, et fort spiritiiel." (copy.) Gextilhommes, Comme je ne vis pas dans la cite mais dans la con trie, six milles depuis Londres, je n'ai pas une mode de vous envoyer le Comique Annuel, mais je vous envoye un ordre sur mon publisheur, que je vous prie accepter. Son nom est Monsieur , vivant a Montagne a Ble, pres le Change ment Royale. Allez gauchement dans la rue. Je serai bien heureux me trouver dans les Deux Mondes ; mais permettez moi de vous mettre droits sur un point. Mon livre peut etre " amusant," comme vous etes si bon a dire, mais il n'a pas attempte etre " spirituel." Je ne suis pas un clerge-homme qui ecrit les serments.

Dieu vous blesse. Je suis, Gentilhommes, Votre tres humble domestique, Thomas Hood. 2 DEDICATION. To HIS GRACE THE DUKE OF DEVONSHIRE. My Lord Duke, It has often happened to me in my sea-side rambles to behold the name of some illustrious personage gracing a craft of very humble pretensions. Such an inscription, doubtless, exalts the vessel in the eyes of its owner; for instance, the master of the " William the Fourth " must feel something of the conscious dignity of a prime minister, when he takes the helm in his hand to guide his Sovereign through his watery empire. Sometimes the name on the stern of the vessel is a memorial of past kindness and condescension on the part of the noble god-father or god-mother ; and then, far as the wind may urge, or the waves compel the little bark, a sentiment of respect, gratitude, and attachment goes along with it.