A Nobody in Mashonaland; or, the trials and adventurs of a Tenderfoot

Preface

. I am told that the proper thing in a book of this, or indeed of any other narrative nature, is a Preface. Now, I am most exceedingly anxious to do the proper thing. I apprehend, however, that a preface is only of interest and of value when one has anything to say in it ; and that is just where my difficulty comes in. Anything I have to say has been said in the book itself. I have no egotistic platitudes to offer here: there is nothing I want to apologise for — I am informed that a great many authors make apology the chief function of a preface — nothing I want to explain ; nothing I want to add ; nothing I want to retract. I infer that at the time you are perusing this preface — if you waste your time by pterusing it at all — you have already bought the book — or borrowed it. I have therefore nothing to gain by soliciting your sympoathy or your patronage. Having bought the book you will make an effort to read it, and if you survive the first few chapters I daresay that

PREFACE.

. VI you will heroically persevere to the end. But, then, I am naturally of a sanguine disposition. I will not say that once having purchased the book it is a matter of comparative indifference to me whether you read it or not, but I do opine that anything I may say here as to its merits or demerits will not avail me much. If it has either, or both, they will only be made known to you by your reading what I have to tell you. I have no grand, unintelligible message to deliver; no lofty ideal to build up, and laboriously pull down ; only a prosaic record of facts to narrate. I do not suppose you would care to buy the work at my appreciation of its value and sell it at your own. If I did not think it quite a most excellent and humorous production I should not take the risk of publishing it. The only danger to be feared is that our opinions of excellence and humour may not coincide.

I have launched my frail bark — I was instructed that I must drag this dear old phrase in somewhere — and can only hope and pray that it may meet with fair winds to spieed it on its buoyant way to the haven of assured success.

PREFACE.

. VII Naturally, I am assuming all this time that you have bought the book. In the other contingency, if you have only borrowed it, I have nothing to say to you except to be sure not to forget to return it. ( )ne serious and most pleasant duty I have still to perform ; to express my deepo gratitude and sense of obli gation to my dear friend and esteemed confrere Mr. H. S. Lyons (well known to all South Africans under the familiar name of " Campo Loafer "), who has taken upon himself the entire burden and responsi bility of preparing this book for publication in its poresent revised guise. The evidences of Mr. Lyons' revising hand will be apparent to all acquainted with " Camp Loafer's " peculiar style, and it is a sincere pleasure to me to be able to render him this inade quate acknowledgment of his valuable aid and practical proof of friendship.

And now I can lay down my poen in complacent consciousness that I have done the proper thing ; I have risen equal to the occasion ; I have written a preface. Pretoria, C. E. Finlason. South African Republic, November 1st, 1893. PAOE 1 6 14 contents.

Chapter I

The Why and the Wherefore — Particularly the Why — I Apologise with Dignity — And Scorn the Guide-book Insinuation — A Confession of Ignorance — And an Illustration in Top-boots CHAPTEE II. A Villagette — Tommy Atkins chez lui — " The One Thing Needful " — I Create a Sensation — Native Toilette de rigueur — Jan Sixpence of Kanya — A Pattern Wife — Horticultural Enterprise Discouraged — Chief Batheon — Only Christians Need Apply — Chadband in excelsis

Chapter III

Time ! — The Delusive Partridge — The Grass Virgin — Foresight Rewarded — The Postal-ox Style v. Business — An Episode — " Camp- Loafer's " Guide to Wagon -driving ... CONTENTS. X PAGE .V.)

Chapter IV

The Lobster Ball — The Baobab Tree — A Gossip about Thorns — A New Embrocation — A Queer Turn-out — A Few Words about Patent Water-Filters 25

Chapter V

Fresh from Home Came He — I Take Precautions — And Lose Myself — The Business-like Telegraph Poles — My Compass comes into Play — Very Much Play — I Climb a Tree — Making a Night of It — My First Lion — Home ! and glad to get There 34

Chapter VI

The " Shashi "—An Alluring Invitation— The Parting of the Ways — Lady Maria the Man-killer — Her Record — My Friend Smith — A Tragic Finale— I Climb a Tree for the Second Time 48

Chapter VII

1 Allow Myself to be Convinced— Poor Darby Isaac — Remnants of the Routed Army — The Gentle Jones— Picknicking — And the Other Thing — The £Tm-Something River — A Transaction in Beads I Encounter Aristocracy . . . CONTENTS. XI PAGE 71 108

CHAPTER VIIL

A Chapter of Randy-Pandy — He Knew all About It — Commissariat in excelsis — Another • Illusion Dispelled — Such Charming Candour — An Illustration or Two — The Sound Practical Side — Such a Nice Man too ! . . .

Chapter IX

A Little Native Army — A Mealie Diet — King Grime took Possession — Remarkable Kopjes — A Bit of Trading — A Specially Dreadful Afternoon — A Bit for a Painter — A Little Thunderstorm ... ... ... ... ... 84

Chapter X

The Pont at Nuanetsi — Why the Telegrams never Reached — A 'Varsity Chum — A Bed in the Mud — A Simple Couple — Scribbling under Difficulties — The Lundi ... ... ... 95

CHAPTER XL

A Mashona Stadt — Please do not Lean Against the Walls — Tutoring the Untutored — A Rise in Matches — Thirsty, with a Very Big " T"

Chapter XII

A Disappointing Reception — Bucks and Guns and Things — The Guileless Mashonette — A Culinary Experiment — " A Roaring Good Fire " — Mr. Rhodes and Party — The Salvation Army CONTENTS. XII PAGE 119 150 Contingent — Rocky — A Nut for Anthropo logists — The Flight of Romeo

Chapter XIII

Culinary Nightmares — Along the Big Plateau — A Water Bombardment — A Mistake in Natural History — Fort Charter — Enter and Exit — Imbollo Thickhead — I Disgrace Myself — The History of a Sea-Pie 132

Chapter XIV

Stranded — No Supper that Night — Knowing " New Chums " — I Try my Hand at Voorlooping — And do not Distinguish Myself — I Try the Long Whip — Another Failure ...

Chapter XV

Moralistic Chestnuts — Which bring us to Salisbury — " Cleanliness and Civility a Speciality " — Something Unique in Billiard Tables — In Two Halves — Editorial Difficulties — Too Much Free Oil — The Company with the Big, Big "C" — Clergymen at a Discount — The Whisky Famine — Not Socially Festive — An Authority on Hymns — "Ufoo" ... ... 160

Chapter XVI

Au Alluring Prospect — He Wished Me Good-Bye and a Pleasant Journey — Jolly Companions Everyone — Native Coiffure — Tonsorial Eccen- CONTENTS. XIII PAGE 182 194 tes 224 tricities — Coy Wives and Maidens — I am re garded as a Wonder — -Which is Which

Chapter XVII

Embryo Millionaires — A Stupendous Banquet — Robinson's Lion — And other Lion Stories — The Sad Fate of Poor Billy Jones — Trooper Nesbitt's Narrow Escape — Up a Tree

Chapter XVIII

A Baboon Hunt — Laundry Work — An Aggravav ting Experience — On the Top of Disselboom Mountain — And its Thrilling Descent — A Discouraging Start — We Slumber — A Dreadful Pastime — I am Appointed Mess Orderly — And Make a Mess of it Accordingly — I Sink Lower and Lower — His First Taste of Fire- Water — Those Sharp Corners !

Chapter XIX

Umtali!— And not Much at That— A "B.S.A.' Trooper at Home — They Shifted the Camp — A Night Expedition — I Propose Taking my Departure — And Want to Buy an Ox — But am Rudely Dissuaded — A Reinforcement — The First Canteen — The American Took the Pool — An Aggravating Mistake

Chapter XX

The First Day's " Treck " — I go for Water — And Hark Back Again — -Such a getting Down- CONTENTS. XIV PAGE 239 248 stairs ! — Ah, Woe is Me ! — The Blessed Water at Last— No Tea that Night

Chapter XXI

We Reach Massi-Kessi — Those Portuguese — Hampstead Heath not in It — We Review the Situation — Help at Last ! — Exhausted — Another Swamp — A Novelty in Grub — Pedestrianism Extraordinary — A Jammy Orgie — A Spurt of Despair — The Bees Win the Toss — An Uneven Swimming Contest ..

Chapter XXII

Too Much Wet— A Shed of Refuge— The Plot Thickens— He Left His Load— Tsetse Fly, Mushrooms, and Honey — A Forty-five Mile Walk — We Dawdle on the Way — A Recital with a Purpose —A Lion at Close Quarters — A nd a Record Sprint 269

Chapter XXIII

Sarmento — Not Much of a Dinner — I See Elephants — And Taste Buffalo — A Huge Thirst — A Dismal Prospect — Desolation — Unsophisticated Rudeness — For the Glory of Ens*- Jand 284