A Nobody in Mashonaland; or the trials and adventures of a tenderfoot

Front matter

A NOBODY IN MASHONALAND. A FEW EXTRACTS FROM PRESS NOTICES OF "A NOBODY IN MASHONALAND." Pall Mall Gazette : " A very entertaining book. It is admirable copy all through, and written in a brisk, lively, gallant manner." St. James' Gazette : " Having, it appears, no particular mission to bless or to curse one side or the other, the writer provides us with plenty of impartial criticism of the Chartered African Company, the Mashonas, and even Lord Randolph Churchill It is with a certain reverential awe that an account is given of a passing glimpse of the great Cecil Rhodes, and no wonder — these pages help to give some idea of the power and personality of the man whose guiding hand controls the "Company.". The narrative is straightforward and smacks of reality, and its perusal can safely be recommended to those who wish for unbiassed information in such matters."

Westminster Gazette: In giving two lion stories from the book, says : — " There have been no such lion stories since Mr. Selous' big volume came out as will be found in this readable little book, ' A Nobody in Mashonaland.' " The Times: "It is not common to meet with a narrative of travel and adventure at once so unpretending, amusing, and exciting. Mr. Finlason lays no claim to literary skill, but we are perfectly satisfied with his direct and unaffected style, lighted up by a sardonic humour which finds plenty of material in his many hardships. " Daily Chronicle: " Mr. Finlason's book is brimful of humour : it is downright frank. Lord Randolph Churchill will probably think it too frank. . . There is no haughty reserve about Mr. Finlason's revelations of the sort of people he met, or the sort of country he went through. . .

On the whole the book has not excited in us an ardent desire to take a holiday in Mr. Rhodes' up-country realm, and any who may be thinking of doing either will probably think twice before they go if they read the book." Evening News and Post: "A fascinating book, full of matter as varied as the country through which its author passed . . Not the least interesting chapter is that devoted to the doings of Lord Randolph Churchill, who would seem to have been looked upon by the Mashonas as a good deal more of a tenderfoot than Mr. Finlason." The Sun: "If all books of adventure were written in the humorous fashion of 'A Nobody in Mashonaland,' they would be a good deal more readable, and none the less thrilling, than they are now. He has, in truth, a nimble wit, and his quaint comments on the most blood-curdling events, and his terse American trick of description are extremely effective."

Preface

. I AM told that the proper thing in a book of this, or indeed of any other narrative nature, is a Preface. Now, I am most exceedingly anxious to do the proper thing. I apprehend, however, that a preface is only of interest and of value when one has anything to say in it ; and that is just where my difficulty comes in. Anything I have to say has been said in the book itself. I have no egotistic platitudes to offer here: there is nothing I want to apologise for — lam informed that a great many authors make apology the chief function of a preface — nothing I want to explain; nothing I want to add; nothing I want to retract. I infer that at the time you are perusing this preface — if you waste your time by perusing it at all — you have already bought the book — or borrowed it. I have therefore nothing to gain by soliciting your sympathy or your patronage. Having bought the book you will make an effort to read it, and if you survive the first few chapters I daresay that

PREFACE.

. VI you will heroically persevere to the end. But, then, I am naturally of a sanguine disposition. I will not say that once having purchased the book it is a matter of comparative indifference to me whether you read it or not, but I do opine that anything I may say here as to its merits or demerits will not avail me much. If it has either, or both, they will only be made known to you by your reading what I have to tell you. I have no grand, unintelligible message to deliver ; no lofty ideal to build up, and laboriously pull down ; only a prosaic record of facts to narrate. I do not suppose you would care to buy ■the work at my appreciation of its value and sell it at your own. If I did not think it quite a most ■excellent and humorous production I should not take the risk of publishing it.

The only danger to be feared is that our opinions of excellence and humour may not coincide. I have launched my frail bark — I was instructed that I must drag this dear old phrase in somewhere — and can only hope and pray that it may meet with fair winds to speed it on its buoyant way to the haven of assured success.

PREFACE.

. VII Naturally, I am assuming all this time that you have bought the book. In the other contingency, if you have only borrowed it, I have nothing to say to you except to be sure not to forget to return it. One serious and most pleasant duty I have still to perform ; to express my deep gratitude and sense of obli gation to my dear friend and esteemed cornfrlre Mr. H. S. Lyons (well known to all South Africans under the familiar name of " Camp Loafer "), who has -taken upon himself the entire burden and responsi bility of preparing this book for publication in its present revised guise. The evidences of Mr. Lyons' revising hand will be apparent to all acquainted with ■" Camp Loafer's " peculiar style, and it is a sincere pleasure to me to be able to render him this inade quate acknowledgment of his valuable aid and practical proof of friendship.

And now I can lay down my pen in complacent consciousness that I have done the proper thing ; I have risen equal to the occasion ; I have written a preface. Pretoria, C. E. Finlason. .South African Republic, November 1st, 1893. CONTENTS.

Chapter I. Faoe

The Why and the Wherefore — Particularly the Why — I Apologise with Dignity — And Scorn the Guide-book Insinuation — A Confession of Ignorance — And an Illustration in Top-boots 1

Chapter II

4 Villagette — Tommy Atkins chez lui — " The One Thing Needful " — I Create a Sensation — Native Toilette de rigueur — Jan Sixpence of Kanya — A Pattern Wife — Horticultural Enterprise Discouraged — Chief Batheon — Only Christians Need Apply — Chadband in excelsis G

Chapter III

Time !— The Delusive Partridge— The Grass Virgin — Foresight Rewarded — The Postal-ox Style v. Business — An Episode — "Camp- Loafer's Guide to Wagon-driving ... ... H CONTENTS. X

Chapter IV. Page

The Lobster Ball — The Baobab Tree — A Gossip about Thorns — A New Embrocation — A Queer Turn-out — A Few Words about Patent Water-Filters 25

Chapter V

Fresh from Home Came He — I Take Precautions — And Lose Myself — The Business-like Telegraph Poles — My Compass comes into Play — Very Much Play — I Climb a Tree — Making a Night of It — My First Lion — Home ! and glad to get There 34

Chapter VI

The " Shashi "—An Alluring Invitation— The Parting of the Ways — Lady Maria the Man-killer — Her Record — My Friend Smith — A Tragic Finale — I Climb a Tree for the Second Time 4S

Chapter VII

I Allow Myself to be Convinced — Poor Darby Isaac — Remnants of the Routed Army — The Gentle Jones — Picknicking — And the Other Thing — The C/m-Something River — A Transaction in Beads — I Encounter Aristocracy ... CONTENTS. XI

Chapter VIII. Page

A Chapter of Randy- Pandy — He Knew all About It — Commissariat in excelsis — Another Illusion Dispelled — Such Charming Candour — An Illustration or Two — The Sound Practical Side — Such a Nice Man too !... ... ... 7L

Chapter IX

A Little Native Army — A Mealie Diet — King Grime took Possession — Remarkable Kopjes — A Bit of Trading — A Specially Dreadful Afternoon — A Bit for a Painter — A LittL' Thunderstorm ... ... ... ... ... Si.

Chapter X

The Pont at Nuanetsi — Why the Telegrams never Reached — A 'Varsity Chum — A Bed in the Mud — A Simple Couple — Scribbling under Difficulties — The Lundi ... ... ... 95

Chapter XI

A Mashona Stadt — Please do not Lean Against the Walls — Tutoring the Untutored — A Rise in Matches— Thirsty, with a Very Big " T" IOS

Chapter XII

A Disappointing Reception — Bucks and Guns s<nd Things — The Guileless Mashonette — A Culinary Experiment — " A Roaring Good Fire " — Mr. Rhodes and Party — The Salvation Army CONTENTS. PAGE Contingent — Rocky — A Nut for Anthropologists—The Flight of Romeo 119

Chapter XIII

Culinary Nightmares — Along the Big Plateau — A Water Bombardment — A Mistake in Natural History — Fort Charter — Enter and Exit — Imbollo Thickhead — I Disgrace Myself — The History of a Sea-Pie 132

Chapter XIV

Stranded — No Supper that Night — Knowing " New Chums " — I Try my Hand at Voorlooping — And do not Distinguish Myself — I Try the Long Whip — Another Failure ... 150

Chapter XV

Moralistic Chestnuts — Which bring us to Salisbury — " Cleanliness and Civility a Speciality " — Something Unique in Billiard Tables — In Two Halves — Editorial Difficulties — Too Much Free Oil — The Company with the Big, Big "C" — Clergymen at a Discount — The Whisky Famine — Not Socially Festive — An Authority on Hymns — " Ufoo " ... ... 1(30

Chapter XVI

An Alluring Prospect — He Wished Me Good-Bye and a Pleasant Journey — Jolly Companions Everyone — Native Coifiure — Tonsorial Eccen- CONTENTS. XIII PAGE tricities— Coy Wives and Maidens — I am regarded as a Wonder — Which is Which ... 182

Chapter XVII

Embryo Millionaires — A Stupendous Banquet — Robinson's Lion — And other Lion Stories — The Sad Fate of Poor Billy Jones — Trooper Nesbitt's Narrow Escape— Up a Tree ... 194

Chapter XVIII

A Baboon Hunt — Laundry Work — An Aggravating Experience — On the Top of Disselboom Mountain — And its Thriliing Descent — A Discouraging Start — We Slumber — A Dreadful Pastime — I am Appointed Mess Orderly — And Make a Mess of it Accordingly — I Sink Lower and Lower — His First Taste of Fire-Water — Those Sharp Corners ! ... 205

Chapter XIX

Umtali!— And not Much at That— A "B.S. A." Trooper at Home — They Shifted the Camp — A Night Expedition — I Propose Taking my Departure — And Want to Buy an Ox — But am Rudely Dissuaded — A Reinforcement — The First Canteen — The American Took the Pool — An Aggravating Mistake ... ... 224

Chapter XX

The First Day's " Treck "—I go for Water— And Hark Back Again — Such a getting Down- CONTENTS. PAGH stairs! — Ah, Woe is Me! — The Blessed Water at Last— No Tea that Night 23£

Chapter XXI

We Reach Massi-Kessi — Those Portuguese — Hampstead Heath not in It — Ve Review the Situation — Help at Last ! — Exhausted — Another Swamp — A Novelty in Grub — Pedestrianism Extraordinary — A Jammy Orgie— A Spurt of Despair — The Bees Win the Toss — An Uneven Swimming Contest ... 248

Chapter XXII

Too Much Wet— A Shed of Refuge— The Plot Thickens — He Left His Load — Tsetse Fly, Mushrooms, and Honey— A Forty-five Mile Walk — W9 Dawdle on the Way — A Recital with a Purpose — A Lion at Close Quarters — And a Record Sprint ... ... ... ... 2691

Chapter XXIII

Sarmento — Not Much of a Dinner — I See Elephants — And Taste Buffalo — A Huge Thirst — A Dismal Prospect — Desolation — Unsophisticated Rudeness — For the Glory of England 2S4

Chapter XXIV

I Sit Down and Think — And Change my Mind An Opportune " Dug-Out " — I arrive at CONTENTS. XV PAGE Mapanda — A Red Ant Attack — We Start for Beira — A Little Disagreement — And the Noble Science d la Matabeles — Beira — A Portuguese Gentleman — Those Dear Portu guese — On the Steamer — Back to Civilisation — Farewell 297"

Chapter I

The Why and the Wherefore — Particularly the Why — I Apologise with Dignity — And Scorn the Guide-book Insinuation — A Confession of Ignorance — And an Illustration in Top-boots. My object in undertaking a happy-go-lucky tour through Mashonaland, at a time when that speculative region was vastly more unknown and difficult of access, ingress, or egress, than it is to day, was to supply, through the medium of the newspaper press, and by the epistolary vehicle of a peripatetic correspondent, a fresh, crisp and unvar nished account of things present and prospective, as they presented themselves to a humble nobody un prejudiced by preconceptions, unfettered by interests of any sort, untrammelled by luxurious trappings, and revelling, generally and particularly, in a lively aud intense ignorance of the land which was to form the theme of the book now tremulously offered to the public.

The book is the outcome of the letters, and the letters were the outcome of bond-fide experiences and keen, though unobtrusive, observation. In re vising the record of these experiences and observa tions for their present complete form, it has been found difficult, and at times impossible, to eliminate from them that element of crudity inalienable from hastily written letters, written under such circum stances and conditions as the inexorable exigences of newspaper correspondence in the wilds of Africa demand. To have remedied this in the present edition would not only have necessitated most elabo rate and iconoclastic revision, but would have de tracted considerably from the scope and intention of the work as a passing record of things Ehodesian. So far as is compatible with the style of the work and its somewhat post-historic character, I have en deavoured in this journalistic sketch to include such facts and data, brought up to the present time, as will enable any adventurous being ambitious of courting the experiences and perils here narrated to '• go and do likewise " in the shortest and speediest way.

But I do not claim for this narrative the staid and forbidding dignity of a guide-book. As a book of adventure, written with such brightness and humorous capacity as the author may have been en dowed with by a discriminating Providence, must it stand or fall. Aught else is incidental or accidental. JUST A NOBODY. 3 Without in any way presuming to belittle the achievements of Lord Randolph Churchill, whose opinions and experiences, at a price of about Is. 9d. per word, have long ago been extensively published to the world, I may, with becoming diffidence, express a belief that the views of an old Colonist are more likely to be valuable to the great army of knowledge-seekers than the views of an eminent English politician who travels through the country with his own cows and goats, his special spring wagon, his private secre taries, his cases of champagne, and his numerous retinue.

As the average adventurer who is think ing of Mashonaland would not travel in such magni ficent style, but would go up by ordinary coach, or more ordinary ox-wagon, with just enough plain solid food and et-ceteras to suit his modest require ments, it seemed to me that, if I went through the country in the same fashion as those for whom I am writing will travel, my experiences would be of more service than brilliant views and crushing criticism, which might be inspired by the possession of a good French cook and a total ignorance of Mashonaland, and the requirements and ideas of the Cape Colonist. I had intended here to set forth the different things which it is necessary for travellers in Mashona land to take with them, but it has now occurred to me B that I do not know any more about that subject than anybody else.

If I had been asked in Kimberley what was essential for a six or nine months' trip to Mashonaland, I should have taken the querist to my room and shown him my own outfit. I had consulted everybody about that outfit, read travellers' books, got this tip from Jones, that from Robinson, and another from Brown. These pointers I embellished with my own common sense, and when I left Kim berley I was secretly proud of the result. I never left anything behind that a man declared to be ab solutely necessary — just took everything along from paregoric to a bowie knife, and from a mosquito net to a cholera belt. Of course if you go from Vryburg by ox-wagon, a few hundred pounds weight more or less makes no real difference, but. when you go as I did by coach, then doth trouble ensue, for the charge per pound from Vryburg to Macloutsie is — or was — two shillings.

As therefore I have not found out yet — and probably never shall — what is really neces sary and what superfluous, I abstain from accepting the serious responsibility of advocating anything. To judge from the remarks of men who had travelled through the country, the things which I considered the most essential were regarded as superfluous ab surdities, while despised odds and ends which were thrown in to fill up the corners were held to be of CONFLICTING ADVICE. 5 fabulous value "up north." If these free critics had only been unanimous in condemning any given article I could have thrown it away, and departed with a lighter heart and a lighter baggage; but they never were unanimous. What one man con demned with a scornful bitterness another would praise most extravagantly. Take the subject of top boots, for instance.

One would think that there could not be more than one opinion on so simple a subject, but at Mafeking I was in a state of great excitement about my yellow top-boots. The following are some of the remarks made on them : " Fancy taking these things with you ! " " Wear these for a day's walk on the veld and you won't walk for a week afterwards. Nobody ever wears anything but veldschoens.* Top-boots are simply absurd." " If you leave anything behind you, take these. Take four pairs ; take a dozen if you can. They are fetching £20 at Salisbury this minute." " Always wear top-boots. Indispensable in wet weather and comfortable where the cobras, puff adders, and night-adders lie aboutin hundreds." To make things safe I took both top-boots and veldschoens. * Veldt shoes made of coarse undressed leather

Chapter II

A Villagette— Tommy Atkins chez .«.— "The One Thing Needful"— I Create a Sensation— Native Toilette dc rirjucui — Jan Sixpence, of Kanya— A Pattern Wife — Horticultural Enterprise Discouraged —Chief Batheon— Only Christians need Apply— Chadband in Excelsis. All South Africans have heard of Mafeking. It is not remarkable for anything, and is, in fact, merely a little village at which is stationed an English regi ment. Time must hang heavily on the hands of both officers and men. I did not think that Tommy Atkins was perfectly well satisfied with his rations, and to the civilian an ounce-and-a-half of tea per diem for eleven men does not appear to give much encouragement for ostentatious magnificence in the way of tea parties. The same number of men were allowed three and two-thirds ounces of coffee between them, and it may therefore be inferred that the nerves of the average British soldier at Mafeking are in no danger of being shattered by undue indul gence in what has been not inaptly described as "the Dutchman's delight."

Water, in fact, is intrusively prominent in the private breakfasts of Tommy JUST LIKE A TENDERFOOT. 7 Atkins, and the red-coated heroes from East York shire frequently congratulate themselves on the little spruit which rushes and tumbles close to the town. On the general rations I have nothing to say, but I may mention that one-sixteenth of an ounce ■of pepper for a squad of eleven men seems a little meagre on days when mashed turnips or doubtful eggs appear on the regimental mess-table. Before leaving Mafeking I had been authorita tively informed that I must not expect to find food or accommodation on the road to Kanya, so I accordingly arranged for a week's supply. When the Cape cart that was to convey me turned up at the hotel its cheery proprietor said lightly, "Just throw your things in, and we'll be off."

Then it was that my luggage and provender made its appearance. There was a rifle, a shot-gun (in a case full of all sorts of things) a black bag weighing about 40 lbs., 300 cartridges, a handsome bundle of wraps and waterproof sheeting, a big Guiness's stout-case full of provender, and a small case full of more provender, a kettle, a three-legged pot and other things. A very fair proportion of the Mafeking population sur rounded my little exhibition, and stood around in silent expectation. I had no intention of creating a sensation, but it is easy to do that in Mafeking. My host explained with much politeness that he did not think that all that could go on the cart, " but," he said, "I'm awfully glad you sent on all your heavy luggage ahead." A good deal was left behind, and I specially re member the expression on my friend's face when he gently lifted out a large bag of potatoes and a 5 lb. bag of hard beans.

However, he stowed the big beer case away all right, and with management got all my fixings aboard. I have discovered since that he left his own things behind and started for a fortnight's trip in what he stood up in, and a pound of tobacco. "You know," he explained, when we were well out of Mafeking, and bowling merrily along behind his six spanking horses, " you know there is only one place where we don't stop at an hotel of some sort; but," he added apologetically, " I suppose you take a snack between meals." Just before leaving Mafeking, a bystander, who had gravely inspected the contents of the beer case, told a friend, with an air of imparting information which might be useful some day, that " there was enough there to keep ten pioneers a fortnight." Another remarked that he " supposed the big cake was a present to the Kanya population as a general peace offering from the inhabitants of Mafeking."

After several days of rough travelling we arrived at Kanya. Kanya is one of the biggest Kaffir towns JAN SIXPENCE AT KANYA. 9 in South Africa ; but this is not a guide-book, and descriptions of towns to those who have never seen them, and never want to, are generally tedious, and I, therefore, eagerly embrace this plea for omitting " that part of the ceremonee." During my stroll round the town I had an opportunity of finding out for myself whether the native worked on his own behalf with the same absence of fervour which characterises him when he is working for the Europeans. After a prolonged and careful inspection, I came to the conclusion that the Kaffir male never does anything in the way of work when he is in his native wilds. Jan Sixpence in Kanya confines himself to a very simple programme.

He is impatient of European fads, and is contentwith little. So he lies asleep while his wives toil down the hill for water. He seems, indeed, to sleep most of the time, and when he is not sleeping he is drinking Kaffir beer, or eating mealie por ridge. All day long the women are walking from the town to the water-pits — a distance of about half a mile. When they arrive at these water-pits (little holes dug in the sand from three to four feet deep) they painfully dip out the water in half-pints, and pour it into the calabash or bucket. The water trickles into these holes but slowly, and it takes each woinan about half an hour to get her five gallons. Then she places it on her head, lets her hands hang loosely down, and strolls back to town, serenely indifferent to the flight of time, the weight of her burden, the length of the road, or the ex cessive and the wearying steepness of the hill.

There is always a string of women and naked little boys and girls going up and down the hill. AU day long they go, from sunrise to sunset. Some of them are genuine slaves. They do not seem to mind this arduous toil, and I do not think they feel the weight of five gallons of water. An English navvy or a British soldier would puff and blow, sweat and swear, before he carried five gallons half a mile up a steep hill on a hot day. The Kanya women carry such loads without being troubled in any way. They never take them from their heads until their trip is finished. Sometimes they gather round and chat comfortably with each other, and all the time the buckets of water -will remain poised on their skulls, without causing inconvenience. It can be easily imagined, however, how deeply wronged a Kanya woman feels when her lord and master in sists on starting a flower and vegetable garden.

I saw some little gardens. Think of the weary journeys the poor ladies of the establishment have to make during the dry season, in order that the lordly Jan VERY PARTICULAR ABOUT THE SABBATH. 11 may have his lettuce, and his occasional radish, or their Kanya equivalents ! Chief Batheon of the Kanyas is well worth visiting, and he has, amongst other weaknesses, a weakness for European attire. He is a great up holder of Christianity, and is very particular about the due observance of the Sabbath. Outside his town the following notice is neatly painted on a regulation black notice board, in white letters : — -" I, Batheon, Chief of Bamvaketse, hereby give notice to my people, and all other people, that no wagons shall enter or leave Kanya on Sundays. " September 28, 1889." The same notice appears in Dutch aud Kaffir.

A little while ago a godless Dutchman trekked into Kanya on Sunday full of lofty contempt for the *" nigger." Batheon sent two headmen to the Dutchman and quietly detached the two best oxen in the span. The Sabbath-breaking Boer was a good deal surprised to learn that those two oxen had left his possession for evermore. Piety, here as elsewhere, has its material advantages. The subtlety of the rneum and tuum principle presents no ethical perplexities to the more indulgent mind of a Kaffir potentate, and, as a consequence, Chief Batheon has plenty of money to spend. He has a weakness for wagons, and has a great many in his possession. One is a bright blue wagon, on which is painted the legend, " This wagon don't run on Sundays." Another gorgeous affair is on the road. It is very brightly painted, lined with green baize, and of the best and most expensive make.

The Chief used to go to church in a spider* and four spanking greys. On such occasions he was arrayed in raiment befitting his high rank. His coat was of the regulation black broadcloth, and his trousers were in keeping. He had a silver watch with a gold chain, and delighted in his helmet. But the spanking greys are all dead, and so he goes to church on horseback now. His father, the respected Gasitsiwe, who died four years ago, was also a great church-goer, and I am afraid a bit of a humbug. Sir Charles Warren visited him one day, and asked him if he wanted any thing. " Ah," said Gasitsiwe, plaintively, " I don't want liquor in my country. I have told the white man so often," cried the chief, almost with tears in his e}'es, " but they never take any notice. They bring it in, and bring it in, and ruin my country."

" I'll stop all thatfor you," said Sir Charles, cheerfully, and straightway he did stop it in his usual effective and decisive way. A light four-wheeled trap. A STICKLER FOR APPEARANCE. 13 About a fortnight afterwards Gasitsiwe came to Mr. Williams (a trader long established in the town) and asked for brandy. " Brandy ? " cried Mr. Williams. " Why there is no brandy now since you told Sir Charles Warren that you did not want any in your country." " Oh," said Gasitsiwe, ruefully, " I only told him that to please him and the English people." Afterwards the old man used to order his brandy by the half aum,* and when white visitors arrived, he used to invite them in and give them tea. He always had his own little tea-pot, but it was full of brand}7 — Gasitsiwe was always a stickler for appear ances. * A Dutch "Measure.

Chapter III

Time!— The Delusive Partridge— The Grass Virgin— Foresight Rewarded— The Postal-Ox Style V. Business— An Episode— "Camp-Loafer's " Guide to Wagon-driving. After travelling per post cart or wagon in this country — and by this country I mean South Africa generally — one finds it very difficult to keep count of the days and dates. In a town it matters a good deal whether Monday is Monday, and September the 19th is September the 19th. Even the difference between 6 a.m. and 10 a.m. is a difference which it is distinctly necessary to calculate upon in civilised territories even in these times, and when things are booming on the share market two little minutes sometimes make a deal of difference. In towns, minutes are of consequence ; travelling, like I was, through a country where I only saw one white man's shanty every sixteen miles or so, a minute is nothing, an hour is nothing, a day is twelve hours quickly forgotten, and a week is of no real conse quence atall to anybody.