Chapter I
" All I can say is — it is not fair. I may be behind the times and all that, but there are certain principles that do not change, and this is one of them ; it is not fair to get in another woman's way, especially when, as I suspect is the case, you have no excuse of irresistible, shall I say, entrainement on your part." The speaker was a tall, thin woman, whose age it Avas impossible to guess ; she was lively and youthful in manner, and her dress had a good deal of individual character in it, besides being in the latest fashion, or rather after the latest fashion, for on close observation it suggested more ingenuity and ambition than expense. There was something pathetic about her appearance, a touch of tremulous assertion, B an air of faded dignity that Avent straight to the hearts of the sympathetic.
As she spoke she looked half daringly, half appeal ingly, at her cousin, Victoria Curzon, Avho had been unburdening her sorely troubled mind for the past hour in the hope of help and consolation. "Well, Hetty, I don't knoAv how these things happen, I never thought of any harm ; I believe it Avas singing those songs ; I couldn't help showing him I could sing better than Lily, and so I could. Then he came to me and said he had never heard anyone throw so much passion into a voice. I ought not to have sung again after that ? No. Well, I ought not — but it is so hard not to do a thing Avhen one can do it, not to give all the pleasure it is in one's power to give. I love to give people pleasure." " Yes, but the other Avoman — Avhat about her?" "I am very sorry, Hetty, I couldn't sleep last night for thinking, and you knoAv I don't admire or respect him, he never seemed to think of Lily after the first time Ave met.
I believe I should have liked him if he had been more remorseful. Now that he offers me lifelong devotion, I don't want it ; I never Avant to see the man again. Look at this letter." She dreAv a crumpled note from her pocket, and thrust it into her cousin's hand. Victoria's dark eyes Avere full of the mingled fire and repose Avhich Avas her chief characteristic ; her broad forehead Avith the hair forming a peak in the centre like the cap of the famous Scottish queen ; her nose square in the bridge and pointed at the tip, her bow-shaped mouth and deter mined chin, made her what a canny Scotch admirer once called " terrible faascinatin'." " I think the letter is despicable, and that is all I can say — humph ! ' Made for each other ! ' The coolness of men ! I wonder hoAV many Avomen have been made for him ?
The things that are made for one are very often the worst of misfits. But, Victoria, to be serious again, let me give you a piece of advice ; you are only twenty-two and I am fifty odd. Do not turn into a rogue elephant and damage your neighbours' plantations for fun. If the right man has not come, Avait a bit for him instead of flirting all over the place ; he is sure to come ; and he won't be anything like the being you imagine," she added hastily, for she saAV a look of mockery stealing into her cousin's face. " I daresay he will not care for half the things you care for, but you Avill have to put do-wn what you are doing and go Avith him all the same, and Avhen that happens you will understand what life means." " Bother your right man," said Victoria, pushing away a footstool, " I Avish him a prosperc is voyage to the Antipodes ; he Avould bore me even more than the Avrong man.
But Avhat is the use of talking in the abstract ? It never helps one to deal with the concrete." "That's right," retorted Hetty, who secretly treasured up every Avord, Avise or foolish, that fell from her cousin's lips, " make yourself out as shalloAv as you can, try and pretend that every generous hope and belief is a crime, but don't come to me Avith it, because I know better. All I wish to point out is that you must not tamper Arith other people's happiness for your oaaoi amusement — you have done it too much already." " There now, that Avill do," said Victoria gently. " Promise me first that you Avill let that man doAAm as kindly as you can, and that you will never, never sing to him again. And can you lend me your tongs to curl my hair, because mine are so bent that they nearly slipped and curled my nose last night."
" I will fetch the tongs, and I Avill never, never sing to that man again," said Victoria, solemnly. Then she tAvisted herself into sundry queer attitudes and retreated back wards doAvn the passage singing " 17 amour est V enfant de Boherne." When she reached her bedroom she looked at her eyes in the glass and inwardly muttered, " If anyone knew the worst of me they Avould never care for me again. You see," she said, addressing herself, " they would not be able to strike the real balance between the good and the bad, they might not even care for some of the best points in me ; one must only give out as much of oneself to people as one thinks they Avill be able to understand." As if in ansAver to this rush of cheap sagacity, a barrel-organ struck up a AVild, rollicking tune in the square, and Victoria, in spite of her troubles, danced all round the room in time to it, till coming in con tact Avith the sharp edge of a Avardrobe she Avas reminded once more of the pains and annoyances inseparably bound up Avith human life.
Victoria Avas dining at home on this particular night Avith her father and mother and a little invalid sister Avho Avas the apple of her eye. Hetty Curzon, her cousin, and an old crony of her father's made up the party. The house to AA-hich the Curzon family repaired regularly every summer, and occasionally in the early spring, Avas a long, narrow one in the middle of Park Lane. It Avas very fresh and airy for a town house. Her father, Colonel Curzon, Avas a cultivated man Avith manners of the old school, but sympathies Avidened to meet the neAV. He Avas not an extraordinary man in any sense ; he had no enthusiasms or marked foibles, but he possessed unusual activity of mind, a long ing to get at other people's ideas and assimi late them ; a longing to folloAV the course of the great movements of the day, but with an utter inability to take the initiative in anything.
The consequence was that he accumulated a great deal of information, which he imparted to others in the bald dry state in Avhich he found it. He was made generally useful by his friends who stood on his well-informed shoulders to reach and to pick and choose those ideal fruits to which he could direct others but could never attain himself. His wife Avas a handsome fair Avoman, Avhose almost miraculous patience and sense of duty made it possible for her to be content and even happy with him. It would be difficult to say what she was like, because she had almost entirely effaced her personality in favour of those belonging to her ; she had apparently no preferences, as she always preferred what suited her husband or her daughter. But, all the same, her part was a strong and sweet one. To come near her gave the restless and the troubled the same feeling that it Avould have given them to sit and gaze at and feel the deep repose of the Madonna di San Sisto.
And this after many years of London life, of social ideas of right and wrong, of moral lassitudes, of varied and unequal influences. And she suffered the penalty of the strong in this Arise, that high and low, rich and poor, leant on her, never spared her for a single day, clutched at her heart-strings, poured out all their perplexities to her, their dreary woes, their unsightly sorrows and sins, not fearing rebuke but certain of pity and comfort. She was not original in any way, unless it were in goodness, but her sympathies partook of the nature of genius, so that she felt for the tor tuous windings of the original beings and understood them as it were with her heart. One strong link between husband and Avife was their adoration of their eldest daughter. In this adoration they were pathetic and foolish and unwise ; they sur rounded her Avith care and devotion that in the course of things might never be con tinued, that might merely prove a disastrous education and a terrible contrast to the fair give and take, push and pull, that is the ordinary and perhaps wholesome lot of human beings.
But ask the wisest and the strongest why they do these things and you Avill find that they know what they are about ; that they have no excuse to offer, except the one that neither holds good nor bad, that they cannot help it. No party that included Victoria could be dull. Topics grew plentiful, fun grew rife, criticism pungent, Avhatever hour of day or night it might chance to be, not even ex cepting breakfast ; indeed, so called " chippy" persons of both sexes who were known to have declared that if they had their way nothing Avould ever induce them to breakfast in company, or at any rate, only at small tables, made an exception in the case of Victoria Curzon, admitting that it mattered not when or Avhere she began to talk so long as she began. Victoria talked to the family friend about his oAAm affairs, noAV and then overhearing a question from the other end of the table, and rapidly ansAvering it Avithout looking round or interrupting the Aoav of confi dences addressed to her, then, after a Avhile, she and her mother and her little sister Olive, whose dinner hour ended Avith the entrees, embarked on a lively dissection of the characters of the children Avho came to see Olive and play Avith her.
Olive, mean while, Avas half distracted at the thought that after dinner there would come a slight pause when she Avas not alloAved to go on with her painting, and then bedtime Avould come and no more painting till the next day ; her round eyes greAv distressed and she ran her fingers through her short hair at the thought. Vic toria kneAv Avhat was passing through her mind. "Go to sleep to-night at once, Dod dles, and Avake up to find it is morning and time to begin painting again," she whispered in Olive's ear, when the child Avith shy dignity came round to say good night. The child gone, Hetty Curzon greAV talkative, feeling it Avas her turn. Her conversation took a Avide range, and though her subjects were ill digested, a good ad mixture of shreAvdness appeared through the confusion of ideas, and streaks of Celtic inspiration lit up the jumble of light litera ture, periodicals, and slight personal ex perience composing the feAv articles of mental furniture Avhich Avere all she had to set before her friends.
She Avas a plucky and resolute talker, and Avas much encouraged by Victoria. Any sarcasm roused her to shoAV Victoria Avhat she could do. As a preparation for small talk she Avould read all the society papers she could get hold of, especially the more scandalous ones, and retail the most intimate private concerns of people she had ne\Ter spoken to or at most had seen Avalking or riding in the Roav. But then she could not bear to hear Victoria talking about anyone whose name she did not know. If Victoria mentioned a name in the peerage that Avas neAv to her she Avould raise her eyebroAvs and shrug her shoulders saying, " Dear me ! I never even heard of it," in a tone that Avould ha\-e made the OAvner of that name feel at once that he had no right to his dignities. All this Avas pure joy to Victoria ; she never Avearied of Hetty's eccentricities.
To-night Hetty Avas anxious that Victoria's mind should not re main unoccupied for a moment, so, to rouse her in Avhat she considered an effectual Avay — for Victoria Avas very fond of hearing any neAVs about herself, true or false Avas a matter of indifference — she said, in a satisfied and important voice : " I heard three reports about you to-day." " Did ? " Avas the eager reply. " What Avere they ?' tell me quick, quick." Hetty paused to allow curiosity time to boil over, then answered sloAvly, " First, you were going to be married ; second, you were going to start a salon immediately after the event ; third, that you were going to build a hut in the depths of a Avood and stay there till your tongue greAv again, as it is supposed to be worn out." " Noav that is conclusive proof that scientific training is much needed in this country," said Victoria ; " because tongues groAv Avith use, they don't wear out.
Well, what else ? " " What else ? Isn't that enough ? " " No ; but thanks, Hetty, and find out more if you can, and mind you always tell me anything you hear or I shall mesmerize you in your sleep and make you do so Avhether or no ! " " Well, which of these three things are you going to do ? " " Not one of them that I know of, but as long as people keep on wondering it does just as well ; I like them to Avonder and ponder and wonder about me ; it is nectar to my soul. You see in some ways I know no one as nice as myself — don't laugh, I see things in myself that I never or rarely find in other people ! " Here Colonel Curzon and his old friend stopped to listen, and Victoria made a sign that she would con tinue so very personal a conversation later on. " To finish what I was saying at dinner," said Victoria, as she looked in to AAish her cousin good-night, " I feel very much that self-respect, amounting to self-wrorship, is the tendency of the age, and I believe it to be a good one."
" Oh, that's a new idea," said Hetty, with a slight mental palpitation. " Yes," said Victoria, with a glow of power, " at least, no — it's as old as the hills. One has got to grow somehow, grow out as well as up, and if self-respect keeps one out of some sorts of amusement, a little self worship is needed to make it all palatable or possible." Hetty shifted uneasily. " I neA^er know Avhen you are in earnest or in chaff, Victoria." " My own vapourings make me a trifle giddy sometimes. But I'm glad you never knoAv. Good-night."
Chapter II
Victoria lived in a whirl, but she rarely lost her temper ; even her morning temper was equable. This good quality she in herited from her mother, and it was one of the most attractive things about her, combined as it was Avith the quick, usually irritable temperament of genius, for she had the temperament of genius though not its powers, and though in her lifetime she never produced any work of art, she could inspire the artist, she could at times even inspire the fool ; she could suggest things that seemed never to have been suggested before, and at all times her perceptions wrere good, her personal sense of things subtle. Her life, as one of her friends said with a grateful sigh, was endlessly life giving. One of the reasons why she was life-giving was that she enjoyed Use, en joyed it wildly, profoundly ; adored it as a lover might, would have prolonged it if she could, would have lived it over again if possible.
Consequently life seemed to love her, to fill her a generous measure of all for which she Avas athirst, to promise her that she should drain the cup of living to the last drop with insatiable satisfaction. The morning after the quiet party just described, Victoria rose early and wrote up four days' diary. This diary was carefully kept under lock and key, and on this par ticular morning there was much to be re corded, and some strange brief comments to be made regarding a recent escapade. She was fearful of cultivating the spirit of analysis, for fear of discovering in things no more than is discovered in the musical box when it is broken open by an inquisitive child. She was fearful of taking the glow ing sea-anemones of thought out of their mysterious world and seeing them close and perish in the light.
She instinctively left the bones of things, their scaffoldings, their origins, alone ; her delight in visible and yet secret and inexplicable excellence, resulting partly from what is not and never can be knoAvn, made the world at once a tangible and intangible paradise to her. " Doddles," as Olive was called, had been admitted early to the paper strewn boudoir where Victoria wrote her notes, sang her songs, and received her particular friends. Doddles, with her mouth pursed up and her brows knit, sat on a sofa with her feet up and busily painted some illustrations of fairy stories. Her head was bent forward on her chest to see them closer, and this con strained attitude caused her to breathe sorne- Avhat heavily and even to groan occasionally. " Here, Avhat do you think of this, Victoria ?
" she Avould say, waving her brush in the air ; and Victoria would look up vaguely and say, "Beautiful! Do some more." Victoria finished her diary and lay back in her chair listening to the sounds that came through the open window. A faint perfumed June breeze lifted the muslin blinds backwards, forwards, sent a shimmer over her hah*, and tickled her neck. She gave a murmur of pleasure. "I wish it were always June," she said. "You said you wished it Avas always February when you were skating last," remonstrated Doddles. c " So I did ! I Avish it were always e\Tery thing as long as I like what it is. Well, what do you want?" Doddles had put down her brush and yawned. "I want you to make up a story, a sort of a song like this wreath here. I should care more about painting it if you did." Victoria tried not to smile over the heavy wreath of blue flowers that caught her eyes ; she went to the piano and began a low recitative.
" She had a dream ; she felt as though she were skimming through great spaces, as though her feet dipped in the seas as she sped along, as though her feet spurned the tops of the high hills." " I know that feeling," said Doddles, " go on." " It was night, and she tied the tress of a bright comet to her heel and then swung off and hung by it in space. The other stars went round in flashes at first as she swung, till at last they formed a ring of light. Then the tress of the star broke and she fell doAvn and down, feeling that nothing would ever stop her." " Oh, I'm so giddy," said Doddles, " but go on." " Suddenly she stopped, she caught sight of a long blue and white creeper that rose and rose till it reached the moon. In a moment she had caught hold of the moon, and she began to descend by the long swaying rope of floAvers and leaves.
They were moonflowers ; the leaves were silvery. Once or twice she gasped for breath as she clutched at huge clusters of petals and missed them or felt them give way too quickly — when this happened she fell miles before she caught hold of a cluster again." There was a knock at the door, and a thin man with black hair and piercing eyes came in. " Please don't mind me," he said, " I want to hear the song ; " but in spite of his Avords he looked relieved Avhen Victoria left the piano and came forward to meet him. " I was improvising for Olive's benefit," she said. " I hope you didn't think I Avas one of your bores, your hunters, as you call them," said George Cottrell ; " but I forgot, perhaps I am," he added. " No, whatever your peculiarities are, you are not a bore ; you are one of the few interesting men I know, isn't he, Doddles ?"
But Doddles tossed her head ; in her heart of hearts she had a dislike to George Cottrell because he had a blue-chinned face, and she Avas very particular about looks. And besides that he wras devoted to Victoria, and she was jealous of him, and it made things no better that he was a cousin, which gave him a right to come and go as he liked. Doddles began painting again. " Are you amusing yourself as usual, Victoria ? " " Yes," she replied, lingering over the word, " but I have seen no one remarkable lately, and you know I have a vow which ] must keep, of getting to know one remark able person every year. I wonder who it will be ? I don't care if it is a man or a woman, but it must be someone." " Ah, someone to impress your mind Avith ; but surely all the clever people are more or less alike when you come to know them ?
" " Not at all, George ; no two leaves are veined alike, and certainly no tAvo minds are." " It's funny Avhat a lot of people interest you," said Cottrell, musingly ; "now I always wonder Avhether " " Oh, don't say that. I know what you are thinking of. Think of something else quick." Thus adjured, Cottrell proceeded, "I think I know a man who would interest you ; may I bring him to you some day ? " " Certainly," said Victoria, graciously, " what is he like ? " " That I am not going to tell you, so it is no use urging me. Yes, I think he wrould interest you." The conversation after this continued with many breaks. At one moment the door opened and a telegram came in ; at another Colonel Curzon strode in absently Avith an open book in his hand, sat down and looked anxiously for something in it, then without finding: what he wanted strode out again.
At the present moment he was much interested in Indian relics, also in special diet. " Papa will be in every ten minutes today," said Victoria. " I knoAv Avhen he is in that mood, even if he goes to his club he will be back again in ten minutes, and I have so much to do ; I wish he would keep still." There came a violent ring at the bell ; Victoria started, and her A'oice shook as she said, " I wonder who is in such a hurry." She Avas not left long in doubt, there were sounds of someone darting upstairs in great haste, and Hetty's voice calling out "Victoria!" even before she entered the room. George Cottrell, seeing that personal matters wei*e likely to be discussed, said good-bye, and left hastily, for both Hetty and Victoria threw him a dazed side look, as if to assure him they knew he was there but could not deal with him in view of other matters.
Doddles also collected her gauds and fled. " What is the matter, Hetty ? " "Mr. Daly is in the hall and says he insists on having an explanation Avith you." "Ah," thought Victoria, "I thought I should not get off without an explanation." " What will you do ? " said Hetty, her bonnet well to one side, for though her head was straight on her shoulders, her bonnet was never straight on her head. " Whatever you do, don't remain friends with him ; say you daren't ; men are so conceited it would please him and make it all the easier for you. You can see him in here. If he gets desperate, and brings out a pistol," Hetty went on, trying to be lively, " (only I don't think people do these things now) you knock up the muzzle like this," she then knocked up the handle of her parasol, and laughed nervously.
" Nonsense, Hetty, you are too nervous ; this all comes of taking a hot bath twice a day and always drinking black coffee. Where is he ? " " Waiting in the hall." " Well, ask him to come up here for a minute, there's a dear, and tell them not to let anyone in." Mr. Daly, with his hair in disorder and a lurid red hat-mark binding his broAArs, came in quietly, sat down, and looking at Victoria with angry oblique eyes, began : " You have been playing with me, and now you have dropped me. I have had your letter in answer to mine. What do you mean by it? I have been ready to give up everything for you. You led me on, and now you are tired of it. I know the game. You thought I Avas safe, I suppose ? You liked me Avell enough to play with as long as you thought I couldn't break away, but Avhen you saAv I Avas ready to lose my head and behave like a scamp, you got frightened and kept aAvay, and wanted to sweep away the rubbish and begin afresh ; perhaps begin a safer game."
" Hush ! not quite so loud," said Victoria, imploringly. She had thought of a line of defence which Avould have saved her dignity, but it did not seem to fit the Avords which were stammered out before her. "Why not?" " I had no one to whom I Avas bound in any Avay," said Victoria, "and you had, therefore " " Therefore Avhat ? The woman is ahvays more to blame than the man in these things. And now," he went on, " you give me no thing ; and yet you leave nothing as it was before ; it never can be the same again." " Oh, yes, it can, if you choose, only don't let her knoAv anything." " Know anything ! Avomen knowr every thing by instinct. Why, she Avatches my face, and I can't keep it still." " It was only my singing that did it, and I am ready to promise I AAill never sing again if it is only going to bring trouble on people.
And what is a voice, after all ? Think of hoAv lovely Lily is, and of how devoted she is to you ! No one will ever care for you like that again. She is really devoted to you, and I am not and never could be. I am absorbed in myself, and you would hate that when you found it out — every man does. Do you knoAv I sometimes hope that I may die before I spoil someone's life ? " He made no reply but stared sullenly at the floor, breathing quickly. Victoria twisted a bangle round and round her wrist and went on : " You are liable to mistake your imagination for your heart. I may have stirred your imagination, but there is no more fear of that, and you Avill soon find that this is a delusion and that you are true to yourself once more, and to Lily. Why, you know," she said, turning abruptly towards him, " that you couldn't face life without her.
Her love is the best thing you have known. If you throw it aAvay for a mere passing ex citement you Avill die of remorse." " I daresay I should," he replied shakily. " But all the same you give one a glimpse of something ; and Avhat it is, Avhether it Avould bless or curse, one doesn't know, but there it is, and it's " " Please don't," said Victoria, trembling. " Remember, you are bound in honour." " Honour be hanged," he replied, " I have lost my head altogether." " That was what I said, it is your imagi nation, not yourheart, that has been touched. Oh, wait a few days, and you will see if it is not as I have said. You will be your self again," she went on encouragingly. " You need not see me again, and one forgets people Avhen they are not there, don't you think so ? And I am so deeply sorry this should have happened.
It will make me very careful all the rest of my life." " Well," he answered roughly, " I see you don't care two straws about me. If you cared ever so little I'd make you pay for this. But I think you had better not amuse yourself in this way again." " I will never sing again if you like," murmured Victoria, torn with repentance. He was so much more reasonable and natural than she had expected him to be. " You need not promise that," he an swered gloomily, "but don't sing to any one again as you sang to me, unless you mean more than you meant with me. Good bye." Hetty, after alloAving a decent interval to elapse, strolled back into the room. " Well, is the episode over, and have you come out of the ordeal unscathed?" she asked in semi-anxious, semi-jocular tone. But Victoria turned very pale and said : " Don't chaff about it, Hetty.
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