Book III

Book III

CHAP. VI. IN WHICH IS RECOUNTED THE MISFORTUNE OF THE AFFLICTED DUENNA.

In the rear of those melancholy musicians, about a dozen duennas, divided into two files, began to enter the garden, clad in loose mourning-gowns, seemingly of milled stuff, with white veils of fine muslin, so long that nothing but the borders of the gowns were seen. After these came the Countess Trifaldi, led by her Squire Trifaldin of the Snowy Beard, and cloathed in a robe of the finest black serge, which, had it been napped, would have displayed grains as large as the best Martos garavances[178]. The tail or skirt, or whatsoever it is called, was divided into three parts, supported by three pages, who were likewise in mourning, making a remarkable mathematical figure, with the three acute angles formed by the three divisions, a circumstance from which all who saw this divided train, concluded that from hence she was called the Countess of Trifaldi, as if we should say, the Countess of Three Skirts: and this is what Benengeli affirms for truth: observing, that her proper appellation was, the Countess de Wolf, because her country produced a great number of those animals; and if it had been famous for foxes, she would have been called, my Lady Fox; for it is the custom in those countries, for people of fashion to take their denomination from the thing or things with which their estates chiefly abound; but this countess, in order to favour the fashion of her train, laid aside the name of Wolf, and assumed that of Trifaldi.

The twelve duennas and their lady advanced at a procession-pace, their faces covered with white veils, though not transparent like that of the Squire Trifaldin; on the contrary, they were so close that nothing appeared through them. When the whole duennian squadron appeared, the duke and duchess, Don Quixote, and all those who beheld the procession, stood up; and the twelve duennas halting, made a lane through which the afflicted lady advanced, without quitting the hand of Trifaldin, while their graces and Don Quixote went forwards about a dozen steps to receive her: then she kneeled upon the ground, and with a voice that was coarse and rough, rather than smooth and delicate, pronounced this address: ‘I beg your graces will be pleased to wave all this courtesy to your humble valets—I mean, your handmaid[179]—Indeed, I am so overwhelmed with affliction, that I can hardly return a rational answer; for my strange and unheard-of misfortune hath hurried away my understanding, I know not whither, though it must be at a great distance, because the more I seek, the farther I am from finding it.’—‘He must be deprived of it all together, my Lady Countess,’ answered the duke, ‘who could not discover your worth from the appearance of your person, which, without farther enquiry, is deserving of the whole cream of courtesy, and the very essence of polite ceremony.’

So saying, he presented his hand, and raising her up, seated her in a chair close by the duchess, who likewise received her with great respect. Don Quixote was silent, and Sancho ready to burst with curiosity to see the faces of the Countess Trifaldi and some of her duennas; but he could not possibly gratify his desire, until they unveiled themselves of their own free will and motion. Every body was hushed, expecting who would put an end to the general silence, which the afflicted countess broke in these words: ‘Confident I am, O powerful lord, most beautiful lady, and most sagacious bystanders, that my most wretchedness will find a reception equally placid, generous, and dolorous, within your valorous bosoms; for such it is, as were enough to soften marble, melt the diamond, and mollify the steel of the most obdurate heart; but before it appears in the parade of your hearing, not to say your ears, I would I were certified whether or not the perfectionatissimo Knight Don Quixote de La Manchissima, and his Squirissimo Panza, are in this groupe, circle, or assembly?’ Before any other person could reply, ‘Panza,’ cried Sancho, ‘is here, and likewise Don Quixotissimo; and therefore, most dolorous duennissima, you may say what you think properissimo; for we are all ready and promptissimos to be your servantissimos.’ Then Don Quixote rising and addressing himself to the afflicted duenna, ‘If your misfortunes, distressed lady,’ said he, ‘can derive any remedy or redress from the valour or strength of any knight-errant, here are mine, which, though feeble and defective, shall be wholly exerted in your behalf. I am Don Quixote de La Mancha, whose office it is to assist the necessitous of all degrees: and this being the case, as it really is, you have no occasion, Madam, to bespeak benevolence, and seek after preambles: but only to rehearse your misfortunes plainly and without circumlocution, and they shall be heard by those who, though perhaps unable to redress, will at least condole them.’

The afflicted duenna, hearing this declaration, attempted to throw herself at the feet of Don Quixote; nay, even executed the attempt, and struggling to embrace them, exclaimed, ‘O invincible knight, I prostrate myself before these feet and legs, which are the bases and supporters of knight-errantry; suffer me to kiss these feet, on whose footsteps the cure of my misfortune solely depends. O valiant errant! whose real exploits outstrip and obscure the fabulous feats of all the Amadises, Belianises, and Esplandians——’

Then turning from the knight, and seizing Sancho by the hand, ‘And O!’ said she, ‘thou loyallest squire that ever served knight-errant, in the past or present age, whose virtue exceeds in length the beard of this my domestick Trifaldin, well mayest thou boast that, in attending the great Don Quixote, thou dost attend in epitome, the whole tribe of knights that ever handled arms on this terrestrial ball; I conjure thee, by thy own most faithful benevolence, to be my intercessor with thy master, that he may instantly favour me, the most humble and unfortunate countess that ever was born.’

To this address Sancho replied, ‘Whether my virtue, my lady, be as long and broad as your squire’s beard, is of very little signification; so that my soul be bearded and whiskered when it leaves this life, which is the main point, I care little or nothing for beards here below. But, without all this coaxing and begging, I will desire my master, who, I believe, has a respect for me, especially now that I am become necessary in a certain affair, to favour and assist your ladyship to the utmost of his power: your ladyship may therefore unpack, and recount your griefs, that all of us may understand the nature of your misfortune.’

The duke and duchess were ready to burst with laughing at this dialogue; for they knew the drift of the adventure, and were extremely well pleased with the acuteness and dissimulation of the Countess Trifaldi, who seating herself again, began her story in these words:

‘Of the famous kingdom of Candaya, situated between the great Trapobana and the South Sea, two leagues beyond Cape Comorin, Donna Maguncia was queen, as widow of King Archipiela, her lord and husband, in which marriage they begat and procreated the Infanta Antonomasia, heiress of the crown, which said Infanta Antonomasia was bred and brought up under my care and instruction; for I was her mother’s most ancient and principal duenna. And it came to pass, in process of time, that the young Antonomasia attained the age of fourteen, with such perfection and beauty as nature could not exceed. Nay, we may even say that discretion itself was but a girl, compared to her, who was equally discreet and beautiful, and surely she was the most beautiful creature upon earth, and is so still, if the invidious fates and hard-hearted sisters have not cut short the yarn of her life: but surely they have not, for Heaven would not permit such mischief to be done on earth, as to tear the green cluster from the most beautiful vine that ever soil produced. Of this beauty, which my coarse tongue can never extol, an infinite number of noblemen, natives as well as strangers, became enamoured. Among these, a private knight belonging to the court had the presumption to raise his thoughts to the heaven of such perfection, confiding in his youth, his gallantry, his various talents and accomplishments, and the facility and felicity of his wit; for, I must tell your graces, if you are not offended at the subject, that he touched the guittar so nicely as to make it speak; besides, he was a poet, a great dancer, and could make bird cages so curiously, that he might have earned his bread by that employment, had he been reduced to want. Such a number of natural gifts and qualifications was enough to overthrow a mountain, much more a delicate young maiden; but all his gaiety and gallantry, his gifts and graces, would have availed little or nothing against the fortress of my charge, if the treacherous ruffian had not practiced means to reduce me first. The base robber and lewd vagabond began by cultivating my good-will, and corrupting my taste, that, like a disloyal governor, I might deliver up the keys of the fort which I guarded. In a word, he flattered my understanding, and obtained my consent, by presenting me with some jewels and trinkets; but what chiefly contributed to lay me on my back, were some couplets which I heard him sing one night while I stood at a rail that looked into an ally where he was, and which, to the best of my remembrance, were to this effect—

‘“A thousand shafts from my sweet foe Are launch’d unerring to my heart; Yet must I not reveal the smart, And silence aggravates my woe!”

‘I thought the turn of the rhime was as smooth as pearls, and his voice as sweet as sugar-candy; and, since that time, seeing the mischief that hath befallen me, through these and other such verses, I have often thought, that wise and well-regulated commonwealths ought to expel the poets, according to the advice of Plato; at least your lascivious writers who compose couplets, not like those of the Marquis of Mantua, that entertain and draw tears from women and children; but your pointed conceits, which, like agreeable thorns, prick, as it were, the very soul, and wound like lightning, leaving the garment whole and untouched. Another time he sung the following stanza—

‘“Come, gentle death, so soft and sly, That thy approach I may not see; Lest I rejoice to such degree, That I shall not have pow’r to die.”

‘And other tags and couplets of the same kidney; which, when written, confound, and when chanted, inchant; for when they condescend to compose a sort of verse in fashion at that time in Candaya, called roundelays, they produce a kind of palpitation in the soul, a titillation of good humour, an agitation in the nerves, and finally, a tremulous motion, like that of quicksilver, in all the senses. Therefore, I repeat it to this honourable company, that such dangerous rhymers ought to be banished to the isle of lizards: yet, they are not so much to blame, as the simple wretches who applaud, and the boobies who believe them. If I had adhered to the duty of a good duenna, I should not have been moved by his serenading concerts, nor believed the truth of these expressions—“In death I live; in frost I burn; in fire I shiver; in despair I hope; though I depart I still remain;” and other impossibilities of the same strain, with which their works abound. When they promise the phœnix of Arabia, the crown of Ariadne, the locks of Apollo, the pearls of the South Sea, the gold of Tyber, and the balsams of Pancaya, they give the greatest latitude to their pens; for it costs them but a small matter to promise what they have neither inclination nor ability to perform.—But, woe is me! ah, wretched creature! whither am I straying? What madness or despair thus hurries and prompts me to rehearse the faults of other people! me, who have so much to say of my own infirmities. Woe is me again, unhappy woman! Not by his verses, but my own simplicity, was I vanquished: it was not his musick that softened me; but my own levity, inadvertency, and ignorance, opened the way, and cleared the path, for the passage of Don Clavijo, which is the name of the said knight; and therefore, I being the go-between, he was once and often admitted into the chamber of the (by me, and not by him) misled Antonomasia, under the title of her lawful spouse; for, sinner as I am, without being her husband, he should not have come near enough to touch the sole of her slipper. No, no, marriage must go before in every business of that kind, where I am concerned! the only misfortune in this affair, was the inequality between Clavijo, who was but a private knight, and the Infanta Antonomasia, who, as I have already said, was heiress of the kingdom. For some time, the plot was covered and concealed in the sagacity of my circumspection, until I perceived a small protuberance daily increasing in the belly of my Antonomasia, whose fears obliged us to lay our three heads together; and the result of our consultation was, that before the misfortune should come to light, Clavijo should demand Antonomasia in marriage, before the vicar-general, by virtue of a contract signed by the infanta, which was indited by my ingenuity, in such strength of terms as Samson himself could not break. The scheme was accordingly executed; the vicar perused the contract, and confessed the princess, who owned the whole affair, and was committed to the care of a very honourable alguazil of the court.’

Here Sancho interposing, ‘So then,’ said he, ‘there are alguazils of the court, poets and roundelays in Candaya as well as in Spain? I swear, I think the world is every where the same! but I beg your ladyship, Madam Trifaldi, would dispatch; for it grows late, and I die with impatience to know the end of this long-winded story.’—‘I will comply with your request,’ answered the countess.

Footnote 178:

A kind of pea that grows at Martos, a town in the province of Andalusia.

Footnote 179:

This blunder is much more natural in the Spanish criado for criada; but, as in the English language, the gender is not distinguished by the termination, I have been obliged to substitute the words varlet and handmaid. Varlets were the servants of yeomen, though formerly squires were known by that appellation.

CHAP. VII. IN WHICH THE LADY TRIFALDI PROCEEDS WITH HER MEMORABLE AND STUPENDOUS STORY.

Every word that Sancho uttered gave as much pleasure to the duchess as pain to Don Quixote; who having imposed silence on the squire, the afflicted duenna thus proceeded: ‘At length, after innumerable questions and replies, as the infanta continued still in her story without variation, the vicar pronounced sentence in favour of Don Clavijo, whom he declared her lawful husband; a circumstance that so deeply affected Queen Maguncia, mother to the Infanta Antonomasia, that we buried her in three days.’—‘Not before she was dead, I hope,’ said Sancho. ‘No, certainly,’ replied Trifaldin; ‘for in Candaya, people do nor bury the living, but the dead.’—‘And yet, Signior Squire,’ said Sancho, ‘we have seen a person in a swoon buried for dead: and in my opinion, Queen Maguncia ought to have swooned rather than died; for while there is life there is hope, and the infanta’s slip was not so great as to oblige her to take on so much. Had the young lady buckled with her own page, or any other servant in the family, as I have heard many others have done, the mischief would not have been easily repaired; but to marry such a genteel, accomplished knight, as the countess hath described——verily, verily, although it was indiscreet, the indiscretion was not so great as people may imagine; for, according to the maxims of my master, who is here present, and will not suffer me to tell a lye, as learned men are created bishops, so may knights, especially knights-errant, be created kings and emperors.’—‘Thou art in the right, Sancho,’ said Don Quixote, ‘for a knight-errant, with two fingers-breadth of good fortune, is the very next in promotion to the greatest lord in the universe.—But, pray, afflicted lady, proceed; for I guess the bitter part of this hitherto agreeable story is still to come.’—‘How! the bitter part to come?’ replied the countess; ‘aye, and so bitter, that in comparison with it, gall and wormwood are sweet and savoury.

‘Well, then, the queen being really dead, and not in a swoon, was buried; but scarce was she covered with the mould, and scarce had we pronounced the long and last farewel, when, Quis talia fando, temperet a lacrymis? all of a sudden, above the tomb, appeared upon a wooden horse the giant Malambruno, Maguncia’s first cousin, who, exclusive of his cruel disposition, was an inchanter, and by his diabolical art, in order to revenge his relation’s death, and chastise the presumption of Don Clavijo, together with the folly of Antonomasia, fixed them both inchanted on Maguncia’s tomb, after having converted her into a monkey of brass, and him into a frightful crocodile of some unknown substance; between them is a plate of metal, displaying an inscription in the Syrian language, which being translated into the Candayan, and afterwards into the Castilian tongue, contains this sentence: “These two presumptuous lovers will not recover their pristine form, until the valorous Manchegan shall engage with me in single combat; for his stupendous valour alone, the fates have reserved this unseen adventure.” This metamorphosis being effected, he unsheathed a vast unmeasurable scymitar, and twisting his left hand in my hair, threatened to slit my windpipe, and slice off my head. I was confounded, my voice stuck in my throat, and I remained in an agony of fear: nevertheless, I made one effort, and in a faultering accent and plaintive tone, uttered such a pathetick remonstrance as induced him to suspend the execution of his rigorous revenge. In fine, he ordered all the duennas of the palace (there they are) to be brought into his presence, when, after having exaggerated our fault, reviled the disposition of duennas, their wicked schemes and contrivances, and accused them all of the crime of which I alone was guilty, he said he would not punish us with instant death, but with a more tedious penalty, by which we should suffer a civil and continued death. He had no sooner done speaking, than that very moment and instant, we all felt the pores of our faces open, and the whole surface tingle as if pricked with the points of needles; then clapping our hands on the part, every one found her visage in the condition which you shall now behold.’

So saying, the afflicted duenna and her companions, lifting up their veils, disclosed so many faces overgrown with huge beards, red, black, white, and party-coloured; at sight of which, the duke and duchess were amazed, Don Quixote and Sancho confounded, and all present overwhelmed with astonishment; as for the countess, she pursued her story in these words.

‘In this manner were we punished by the felonious and ill-designing Malambruno, who covered the smoothness and delicacy of our faces with the roughness of these bristles; and would to Heaven he had rather struck off our heads with his unmeasurable scymitar, than obscured the light of our countenances with this frightful bush; for if this honourable company will but consider, and in speaking what I am now going to say, I wish I could turn my eyes into fountains; but the consideration of our misfortune, and the oceans they have already rained, have drained them as dry as beards of corn; and, therefore, I must speak without tears: I say then, whither can a duenna go with a beard upon her chin? What father or mother will condole her disgrace? or who will give her the least assistance? for if, when her face is smoothed and martyred by a thousand cosmetick slops and washes, she can scarce find one who will favour her with affection, what must she do when her face becomes a perfect coppice of brushwood? O ye wretched duennas! my companions dear! in an unlucky minute did we see the light, and in an hapless hour were we engendered by our fathers!’

So saying, she pretended to faint away.

CHAP. VIII. OF CIRCUMSTANCES APPERTAINING AND RELATING TO THIS ADVENTURE AND MEMORABLE STORY.

Verily, and in good truth! all those who take pleasure in reading such histories, ought to manifest their gratitude to its first author Cid Hamet, for his curiosity in recounting the most trivial incident, without neglecting to bring to light the least circumstance, how minute soever it may be. He describes the thought, discloses the fancy, answers the silent, explains doubts, discusses arguments, and finally displays the very atoms of the most curious disposition. O celebrated author! O happy Don Quixote! O renowned Dulcinea! O facetious Sancho Panza! may you flourish conjunctly and severally to the end of time, for the entertainment and pastime of mankind in general!

The history relates, that Sancho seeing the Afflicted faint away, ‘Now, by the faith of man!’ cried he, ‘and by the pedigree of all the Panzas my forefathers! never did I hear or see, nor did my master recount, or indeed conceive, such an adventure as this!—A legion of devils confound thee for a giant and inchanter, accursed Malambruno! couldst thou find no other method to punish these sinners, but by clapping beards to them? Would it not have been better, at least it would have been more for their advantage, to cut off half their noses, even though they should snuffle in their speech, than to encumber them with beards? I’d lay a wager, too, that they have not wherewithal to pay a barber.’—‘What you say is very true,’ replied one of the dozen; ‘we have not wherewithal to be trimmed, and therefore some of us, by way of œconomy, make use of sticking plaister, which being applied to our faces, and plucked off with a jerk, leave us as sleek and smooth as the bottom of a marble mortar; for, although there are women in Candaya who go from house to house, taking of the hair, arching the eyebrows, and composing slipslops for the use of the fair-sex, we who belonged to her ladyship would never admit them into the family, because, for the most part, they are persons who having ceased to be principals, exercise the occupation of procuresses; and therefore, if we are not redressed by Signior Don Quixote, we must e’en carry our beards to the grave.’—‘If I do not redress your whiskers,’ cried the knight, ‘I will leave mine among the Moors!’

Here the Countess Trifaldi recovering, ‘Valiant knight,’ said she, ‘the tingling of that promise reached mine ears while I lay in a swoon, and hath been the cause of my recovering and retrieving the use of all my senses; therefore, renowned errant, and invincible knight, I again entreat you, to put your gracious promise in execution.’—‘In me there shall be no delay,’ replied Don Quixote: ‘consider then, my lady, and tell me what I am to do; my mind is perfectly disposed for your service.’—‘The case is this, then,’ answered the afflicted duenna: ‘from hence to the kingdom of Candaya, if you go by land, you must travel five thousand leagues, it may be one or two more or less; but if you go through the air, in a right line, you measure no more than three thousand two hundred and twenty-seven. You must likewise know, Malambruno told me, that whenever fortune should furnish me with our deliverer, he would send him a steed that should be much better and less vicious than any of your return post-horses, as being the very individual wooden-horse upon which the valiant Peter carried off the fair Magalona: he is governed by a peg in his forehead, that serves instead of a bridle; and he flies so swiftly through the air, that one would think he was transported by all the devils in hell. This steed, according to ancient tradition, was contrived by the Sage Merlin, and he lent him to his friend Peter, who, by means of such conveyance, performed incredible journies, and stole, as I have observed, the fair Magalona, who sat behind him, and was transported through the air, to the astonishment of all those who gaped after her from the earth. Yet he would lend him to none but his particular favourites, or such as would pay him a handsome price; we do not know that he was ever mounted from the days of the great Peter to the present time. Malambruno, by dint of art, has got, and keeps him in his possession, making use of him in his journies, which he performs in an instant, from one part of the world to another; now here, to-morrow in France, and next day in Peru: and there is one great advantage in this horse, he neither eats nor sleeps, nor costs any thing in shoeing, and ambles through the air without wings in such a manner, that the rider may hold a cup full of water in his hand without spilling a single drop, his motion is so smooth and easy; for which reason, the fair Magalona delighted much in taking the air upon his back.’—‘As for his going smooth and easy,’ said Sancho, ‘there is my Dapple, whom (though he does not go through the air, but along the ground) I will match against all the amblers that ever the earth produced.’ All the company laughed at this observation, and the afflicted duenna proceeded; ‘Now, this horse, if Malambruno is actually disposed to put an end to our misfortune, will be herein less than half an hour after it is dark: for he told me the signal by which I should be certain of having found the knight I was in quest of, would be his sending the horse thither with all convenient dispatch.’—‘And pray,’ said Sancho, ‘how many persons will this horse carry?’—‘Two,’ replied the Afflicted; ‘one upon the saddle, and the other upon the crupper, and these are commonly the knight and the squire, when there is no damsel to be stolen.’—‘I should be glad to know, afflicted Madam,’ resumed the squire, ‘what is the name of that same horse?’—‘His name,’ answered the Afflicted, ‘is not like that of Bellerophon’s horse, which was called Pegasus; nor does it resemble that which distinguished the steed of Alexander the Great, Bucephalus; nor that of Orlando Furioso, whose appellation was Brilladoro; nor Bayete, which belonged to Reynaldo de Montalban; nor Frontino, that appertained to Rugiero; nor Bootes, nor Peritoa, the horses of the sun; nor is he called Orelia, like that steed upon which the unfortunate Rodrigo, last king of the Goths, engaged in that battle where he lost his crown and life.’—‘I will lay a wager,’ cried Sancho, ‘that as he is not distinguished by any of those famous names of horses so well known, so neither have they given him the name of my master’s horse Rozinante; a name which, in propriety, exceeds all those that have been named.’—‘Very true,’ replied the bearded countess; ‘nevertheless, it fits him very well; for he is called Clavileno Aligero[180], an appellation that suits exactly with his wooden substance, the peg in his forehead, and the swiftness with which he travels; so that, for his name, he may be brought in competition even with the famous Rozinante.’—‘The name pleases me well enough,’ said Sancho; ‘but what sort of bridle or halter must be used in managing him?’—‘I have already told you,’ answered Trifaldi, ‘that by turning the peg, the knight who rides can make him travel just as he pleases, either mounting through the air; or else sweeping, and, as it were, brushing the surface of the earth; or lastly, sailing through the middle region, which is the course to be sought after and pursued, in all well-concerted enterprizes.’

‘I should be glad to see this same beast,’ replied the squire; ‘but to think that I will mount him, either in the saddle or in the crupper, is all the same thing as to look for pears upon an elm. A fine joke, i’faith! I can scarce keep the back of my own Dapple, though sitting upon a pannel as soft as sattin, and they would now have me get upon a crupper of board, with out any pillow or cushion. By the Lord! I have no intention to bruise myself, in order to take off the beard of any person whatsoever; let every beard be shaved according to the owner’s fancy: for my own part, I have no notion of accompanying my master in such a long and tedious journey; for surely I have no concern in the shaving of beards, whatever I may have in the disinchantment of Dulcinea.’—‘Indeed, you have, my friend,’ answered Trifaldi; ‘aye, and so much, that without your presence I believe we shall do no good.’—‘In the king’s name!’ cried Sancho, ‘what have squires to do with the adventures of their masters? What! are they to run away with all the reputation, and we to undergo all the trouble? Body o’me! would your historians but mention, that such a knight atchieved such and such an adventure, with the assistance of his Squire What-d’ye-call-um, without whom he could not possibly have finished the exploit; but, they drily relate, as how Don Paralipomenon of the Three Stars, finished the adventure of the six goblins, without even naming the squire who was present all the time, no more than if there was not such a person in the world: I therefore say again to this honourable company, that my master may go by himself, and good luck attend him; but, for my own part, I will stay where I am, and keep my Lady Duchess company; and peradventure, at his return, he may find my Lady Dulcinea’s business well forwarded; for I intend, at my idle and leisure hours, to whip myself to such a tune, that not a single hair shall stand before me.’

‘But, for all that,’ said the duchess, ‘honest Sancho, you must attend him, should there be occasion, for you will be solicited by the righteous; and surely it would be a great pity, that the faces of these gentlewomen should continue overshadowed with hair, merely for your needless apprehension.’—‘I say again, in the king’s name!’ cried Sancho, ‘if this charity should be of any benefit to release maidens or parish-children, a man might venture to undergo some trouble; but to take such pains in order to rid duennas of their beards! a plague upon the whole generation! I had rather see them all bearded from the highest to the lowest, tag, rag, and bobtail.’—‘Friend Sancho,’ said the duchess, ‘you are on bad terms with duennas, and very much infected with the opinion of that apothecary of Toledo; but, in good sooth, you are very much in the wrong: there are duennas in my house, who might serve as patterns of virtue; and here stands Donna Rodriguez, who would not suffer me to say otherwise.’—‘Your excellency may say what you please,’ answered Rodriguez; ‘but God knows the truth of all things, and good or bad, bearded or smooth, we duennas were born of our mothers, as well as other women; since, therefore, God sent us into the world, he knows for what, and in his mercy do I put my trust, and not in the beard of any person whatsoever.’

‘’Tis very well, Signora Rodriguez, Madam Trifaldi, and you ladies of her company,’ said Don Quixote; ‘Heaven, I hope, will look upon your misfortunes with propitious eyes, and Sancho will chearfully obey my orders; let Clavileno come, so as that I may once see myself engaged with Malambruno, and confident I am, that no razor can shave your ladyships with more facility than my sword should find in shaving the giant’s head from his shoulders; for though God permits the wicked to prosper, it is but for a time.’ The afflicted duenna hearing this declaration, exclaimed, ‘Now, may all the stars of the celestial regions shed their benign influence upon your worship, most valiant knight, infusing courage into your soul, and crowning your atchievements with prosperity, that you may be the shield and support of this our slighted and depressed duennian order, abominated by apothecaries, grumbled at by squires, and jeered by pages! now, ill betide the wretch, who, in the flower of her youth, would not rather take the veil than become a duenna. Unfortunate duennas that we are! for, though we may be descended in a direct male line from Hector of Troy, our ladies will not fail to throw “Thou” in our teeth, even if they thought they should be crowned for it. O thou giant Malambruno! who, though an inchanter, art always punctual in thy promises, send hither the peerless Clavileno, that our disaster may be done away; for, if our beards continue until the dog-days begin, woe be unto us!’

Trifaldi pronounced these words in such a pathetick strain, as brought tears from the eyes of all the by standers, and even filled Sancho’s to the brim; so that he resolved in his heart, to accompany his master to the utmost limits of the earth, provided his attendance should be necessary towards shearing the wool of those venerable countenances.

Footnote 180:

Or, in English, ‘Wooden Peg the Winged.’

CHAP. IX. OF CLAVILENO’S ARRIVAL—AND THE CONCLUSION OF THIS PROTRACTED ADVENTURE.

Meanwhile, night came on, and along with it the time fixed for the arrival of the famous steed Clavileno, whose delay began already to afflict Don Quixote; for he looked upon the detention of the horse, as a sign that he himself was not the knight for whom the adventure was reserved, or that Malambruno was afraid to engage with him in single combat. But, lo! all of a sudden, four savages, clad in green ivy, entered the garden, bearing on their backs a green wooden horse, which being placed on the ground, one of the number pronounced, ‘Let him who has courage mount this machine.’—‘For my own part,’ said Sancho, ‘I do not mount; for neither have I courage, nor am I a knight.’ But the savage proceeded, saying, ‘Let the squire, if he has one, occupy the crupper; and he may confide in the valiant Malambruno; for, except the sword of that giant, no other steel or malice shall offend him; and the knight has no more to do, but to turn this peg upon his neck, and he will carry them through the air to the place where Malambruno waits for their arrival; but lest the height and sublimity of the road should turn their heads, their eyes must be covered until such time as the horse shall neigh, for that will be the signal of their having performed the journey.’ This intimation being given, they left the horse, and retired to the place from whence they came, with great solemnity.

The afflicted duenna no sooner beheld the steed, than addressing herself to Don Quixote, with tears in her eyes, ‘Valiant knight,’ said she, ‘Malambruno’s promise is made good: here stands the horse, our beards are still growing, and each of us, nay, every hair upon our chins, supplicate thee to shave and shear them, since there is nothing else required but to mount with thy squire, and happily begin your journey.’—‘That will I do, my Lady Countess Trifaldi,’ replied Don Quixote, ‘with good will, and hearty inclination; nor will I delay the expedition, by spending time in furnishing myself with a cushion, or even in putting on my spurs, so impatient I am to see your ladyship and those duennas quite smooth and shaven.’—‘That will I not do,’ cried Sancho, ‘neither with hearty nor heartless inclination, nor in any manner of way; and if the shaving cannot be performed without my mounting upon the crupper, my master must look for another squire to attend him, and these ladies must find another method for smoothing their faces; for I am no wizard, to take delight in flying through the air: and pray, what would my islanders say, should they know their governor was riding upon the wind? Moreover, it being three thousand and so many more leagues from hence to Candaya, should the horse be tired, or the giant out of humour, we may spend half a dozen years in returning; and by that time, the devil an island or islander in the whole world will know my face. It is a common saying, that Delay breeds danger; and, When the heifer you receive, have a halter in your sleeve. The beards of these ladies must therefore excuse me: I know St. Peter is well at Rome; my meaning is, I find myself very well in this mansion, where I am treated with such respect, and from the master of which I expect so great a favour as that of being made a governor.’ To this remonstrance the duke replied, ‘Friend Sancho, the island I have promised is neither floating nor fugitive, but its roots are so deeply fixed in the bowels of the earth, that three good pulls will not remove or tear it away; and, as you are sensible, I know there is no kind of office of any importance that is not obtained by some sort of bribe, more or less, the present I expect for the government is, that you will attend your master, Don Quixote, in crowning and accomplishing this memorable adventure; and, whether you return upon Clavileno with that dispatch which his speed seems to promise; or, by the cruelty of adverse fortune, you come back in the habit of a pilgrim, begging on foot, from house to house, and from one inn to another; you shall, nevertheless, at your return, find your island where you left it; and your islanders actuated by the same desire of receiving you as their governor, which they have always indulged; and as for my inclination, it can never change; for, to entertain the least doubt of my sincerity, Signior Sancho, would be a notorious injury to the attachment I feel for your service.’—‘Enough, my lord,’ cried Sancho: ‘I am a poor squire, and cannot bear such a load of courtesy; let my master mount, and my eyes be covered; recommend me to God; and let me know whether, while we travel through those altitudes, I may call upon the name of the Lord, or implore the protection of his angels.’ To this interrogation, the countess replied, ‘You may recommend yourself to God, or to whom you will; for Malambruno, though an inchanter, is nevertheless a Christian, and performs his inchantments with great sagacity and caution, nor does he intermeddle in any person’s affairs.’—‘Well, then,’ cried Sancho, ‘God, and the most Holy Trinity of Gaeta, be my guide and protection!’—‘Since the memorable adventure of the fulling-mills,’ said Don Quixote, ‘I have never seen Sancho so infected with fear, as upon this occasion; and, if I were as much addicted to superstition as some people are, his pusillanimity would produce some compunction in my soul: but, come hither, Sancho; for, with the permission of that noble pair, I would speak two words with you in private.’

Then taking his squire aside into a tuft of trees, and grasping both his hands, ‘You see, brother Sancho,’ said he, ‘the long journey that awaits us; and God knows when we shall return, and what leisure or convenience our business may allow; I therefore beg thou wilt now retire to thy apartment, on pretence of fetching some necessaries for the road, and, in the twinkling of a straw, inflict upon thyself some five hundred of those three thousand three hundred lashes for which thou art engaged, and they shall stand good in the account; for, when a thing is once began, it is almost as good as half finished.’—‘Before God!’ cried Sancho, ‘your worship must be out of your senses; this is just as they say, You see me in a hurry, and ask me to marry. Now, when I am going to ride upon a wooden crupper, would your worship have me afflict my posteriors? Verily, verily, your worship was never more out of the way; at present, let us proceed and shave those duennas, and at our return, I promise to your worship, on the faith of my character, to quit my score with such dispatch, that your worship shall be satisfied; and I’ll say no more.’—‘Well, then,’ answered the knight, ‘I will console myself, honest Sancho, with that promise, which I really believe thou wilt perform; for, surely, though thy head be but green, thy heart is true blue.’—‘Green,’ said Sancho; ‘my head is not green, but black; but even though it were pye-bald, I would perform my promise.’

After this short dialogue they returned, in order to take horse; then, the knight addressing himself to the squire, ‘Sancho,’ said he, ‘suffer yourself to be hoodwinked, and get up: he who sends for us from such distant regions, can have no intention to deceive us, because he could reap no glory from having deceived those who depended on his sincerity; and, although the event may turn out contrary to my expectation, the glory of having undertaken such an exploit no malice whatsoever can impair.’—‘Come, then, Signior,’ cried the squire, ‘for the beards and tears of those ladies are so imprinted in my heart, that I shall not swallow a mouthful to do me good, until I see them restored to their original smoothness. Get up, Signior, and hoodwink yourself first: for, if the crupper is to be my seat, it is plain that you must mount first into the saddle.’—‘You are in the right,’ replied Don Quixote; who, pulling an handkerchief from his pocket, desired the afflicted duenna to fasten it round his eyes, which, however, were no sooner covered, than he took off the bandage, saying, ‘If I remember aright, I have read in Virgil, of the Trojan Palladium, a wooden horse offered to the goddess Pallas, the bowels of which horse were filled with armed men, who afterwards occasioned the total destruction of Troy; and, therefore, it will not be amiss, first of all, to examine the belly of Clavileno.’—‘There is no occasion,’ said the afflicted duenna; ‘for I am certain that Malambruno has neither treachery nor malice in his heart: your worship, Signior Don Quixote, may therefore mount, without the least apprehension; and if any mischief befal you, lay it at my door.’ The knight reflecting that any hesitation about his personal safety would be a disparagement to his valour, mounted Clavileno without farther altercation, and tried the peg, which turned with ease; and his legs hanging down at full length, for want of stirrups, he looked like a figure in some Roman triumph, painted or wrought in Flemish tapestry.

Then Sancho, very slowly, and much against his will, crept up behind, and seating himself as well as he could upon the crupper, found it so hard and uneasy, that he begged the duke would order him to be accommodated with some cushion or pillow, though it should be taken from my Lady Duchess’s sopha, or some page’s bed; for the crupper of that horse seemed to be made of marble rather than of wood.

Here Trifaldi interposing, assured him that Clavileno would bear no kind of furniture or ornament; but said he might sit sideways like a woman, in which attitude he would not be so sensible of the hardness. Sancho took her advice, and saying adieu, allowed his eyes to be covered; but, afterwards pulling up the bandage, and looking ruefully at all the people in the garden, he, with tears in his eyes, besought them to assist him in that extremity with a brace of Paternosters, and as many Ave Marias, as God should provide somebody to do as much for them in like time or need.

Don Quixote hearing this apostrophe, ‘How now, miscreant!’ said he, ‘are you brought to the gallows, or in the last agonies of death, that you make use of such intreaties? Dispirited and cowardly creature! Art not thou seated in the very same place which was occupied by the fair Magalona, and from which she descended, not to her grave, but to the crown of France, if history speaks truth? And I, who sit by thy side, surely may vie with valiant Peter, who pressed the self same back now pressed by me. Shroud, shroud thine eyes, thou animal without a soul, and let not those symptoms of fear escape thy lips, at least in my presence.’—‘Hoodwink me then,’ answered Sancho, ‘and since I must neither recommend myself, nor be recommended, to the protection of God, what wonder is it, if I am afraid we shall meet with some legion of devils, who will treat us according to the Peralvillo law[181]?’

Their eyes being covered, and Don Quixote perceiving he was fixed in his seat, turned the peg; and scarce had his finger touched this rudder, when the whole bevy of duennas, and all that were present, raised their voices, crying, ‘Heaven be thy guide, valorous knight! God be thy protection, intrepid squire!—Now, now, you rise and cut the liquid sky more swiftly than an arrow; now, you begin to astonish and confound all those who gaze upon you from this earthly spot!—Hold fast, valiant Sancho, for we see thee totter; beware of falling: to fall from such an height would be more fatal than the fall of that aspiring youth whose ambition prompted him to drive the chariot of the sun his father.’

Sancho, hearing this exclamation, crept closer to his master, and hugging him fast in his arms, ‘Signior,’ said he, ‘how can we be so high as those people say we are, seeing we can hear them speak as well as if we were within a few yards of them?’—‘You must not mind that circumstance,’ answered the knight; ‘for these incidents and flights being all together out of the ordinary course of things, you may hear and see what you please, at the distance of a thousand leagues: but do not squeeze me so hard, lest I tumble from my seat. I really cannot imagine what it is that disturbs and affrights thee; for I swear, in all the days of my life, I never bestrode a horse of a more easy pace: indeed, he goes so smoothly, that I can hardly feel him move. Dispel thy fear, my friend, for truly the business goes on swimmingly, and we sail right afore the wind.’—‘You are certainly in the right,’ answered Sancho; ‘for on this side, there blows as fresh a gale as if I was fanned with a thousand pair of bellows.’

Nor was he much mistaken in his conjecture; for the wind that blew was actually produced by one of those machines: so well had the adventure been contrived by the duke and duchess, and, their steward, that nought was wanting to render it compleat. Then the knight feeling the same breeze, ‘Without doubt,’ said he, ‘we must be arrived at the second region of the air, in which hail and snow are produced; meteors, thunder and lightning, are engendered in the third region: if we continue to mount at this rate, we shall in a very little time reach the region of fire; and I know not how to manage this peg, so as to put a stop to our rising, and prevent our being scorched to a cinder.’

In the midst of this conversation their faces were warmed with some tow that was kindled for the purpose, at the end of a long pole, and Sancho feeling the heat, ‘Let me perish!’ cried he, ‘if we are not now come to that same habitation of fire; for a great part of my beard is already singed; and I am resolved to uncover my eyes, that I may see whereabouts we are.’—‘By no means,’ answered the knight: ‘remember the true story of the licentiate Toralva, who being mounted on a cane, was conveyed through the air, with his eyes shut, by the devils: in twelve hours he arrived at Rome, and alighted on the tower of Nona, which is in one of the streets of that city, whence he beheld the whole tumult, assault, and death, of the constable of Bourbon; and before morning he had returned to Madrid, where he gave an account of that transaction. He likewise affirmed, that while he travelled through the air, the devil bade him open his eyes, and he saw himself so near the body of the moon, that he could have touched it with his hand; but he durst not look towards the earth, lest his head should have turned giddy. Let us not, therefore, uncover our eyes, Sancho; he in whose charge we are will give a good account of us; and, perhaps, we are now at the very point of our elevation, from whence we shall come souse upon the kingdom of Candaya, as a faker or jerfaulcon darts down upon an heron with a force proportioned to his rise: and, although it seems to us no more than half an hour since we set out from the garden, you may depend upon it we have travelled an immense way.’—‘As to that matter, I am quite ignorant,’ said Sancho: ‘this only I know, that if Madam Magallanes or Magalona took pleasure in sitting upon this crupper, her flesh must not have been very tender.’

All this dialogue of the two heroes was overheard by the duke and duchess, and the rest of the company in the garden, to whom it afforded extraordinary entertainment: at length, desirous of finishing this strange and well-concerted adventure, they set fire to Clavileno’s tail with some lighted flax; his belly being filled with squibs and crackers, he instantly blew up with a dreadful explosion, and Don Quixote, with his squire, came to the ground more than half singed. By this time the whole bearded squadron, with my Lady Trifaldi, had vanished from the garden, and all the rest of the company were stretched upon the ground as in a trance. Don Quixote and Sancho getting on their feet, in a very indifferent condition, and looking all around, were astonished to find themselves in the same garden from which they took their flight, and to see such a number of people extended along the grass: but their admiration was still more increased, when at one corner of the garden they beheld a huge lance fixed in the ground, and tied to this lance, by two cords of green silk, a smooth, white skin of parchment, on which was the following inscription in large golden letters:

‘The renowned knight Don Quixote de la Mancha has finished and atchieved the adventure of the Countess Trifaldi, alias the afflicted Duenna, and her companions solely by his having undertaken the enterprize.

‘Malambruno is wholly satisfied and appeased; the chins of the duennas are smooth and clean; their Majesties Don Clavijo and Antonomasia are restored to their original form: and when the squirely flagellation shall be accomplished, the white dove will be delivered from the pestilential talons of her persecutors, and find herself within the arms of her beloved turtle; for such is the decree of the sage Merlin, the prince and prototype of all enchanters.’

Don Quixote having read this scroll, at once comprehended the meaning, which related to the disinchantment of Dulcinea, and returning a thousand thanks to Heaven for his success in having finished such a mighty exploit with so little danger, and reduced to their pristine form the faces of those venerable duennas who had disappeared, he went towards the place where the duke and duchess still lay intranced, and pulling his grace by the arm, ‘Courage! courage, my noble lord!’ said he; ‘all is over now; the adventure is finished, without damage to the barrier, as will plainly appear by the inscription of yonder scroll.’

The duke seemed to recover gradually, like one waking from a profound sleep; his example was followed by the duchess, and all the rest who lay along the garden; and they exhibited such marks of fear and astonishment, that even almost to themselves, that seemed to have happened in earnest which they had so well acted in jest. The duke having read the inscription with his eyes half shut, ran with open arms to embrace Don Quixote, calling him the most worthy knight that any age had ever produced: while Sancho went looking about for the afflicted matron, to see if her beard was quite gone, and whether her face, without hair, was as beautiful as her gallant deportment seemed to promise. But he was told, that as Clavileno descended in a flame from the sky, the whole squadron of duennas, with Trifaldi at their head, had vanished, and their faces smack-smooth as if they had been clean shaven.

Then the duchess asking, how it had fared with Sancho in his long journey, the squire replied, ‘As for me, my lady, I perceived, as my master told me, that we flew threw the region of fire, and I felt a strong inclination to have a peep; but my master would not consent, when I begged his permission to uncover my eyes; nevertheless, I, who have a sort of a chip of curiosity, and an eager desire to know what I am forbid to enquire about fair and softly, without being perceived by any living soul, pulled down upon my nose the handkerchief that covered my eyes, and by these means had a glimpse of the earth, which seemed no bigger than a grain of mustard, and the men that walked upon it almost as little as hazle nuts; so you may guess how high we must have soared by that time.’

To this asseveration the duchess answered, ‘Have a care, friend Sancho; from what you say, it appears that it could not be the earth, but the men walking upon it, whom you saw: for if the earth appeared like a grain of mustard, and every man as big as a nut, it clearly follows, that one man must have covered the whole earth.’—‘Very true,’ said Sancho; ‘but, for all that, I had a side-view, by which I discovered the whole globe.’—‘Take notice, Sancho,’ resumed the duchess, ‘it is impossible to see the whole of any thing by a side-view.’—‘I know nothing of views,’ replied the squire; ‘this only I know, your ladyship ought to consider, that as we flew by inchantment, so might I, by inchantment, see the whole earth, and all the men upon it, in any sort of view whatsoever: and if your ladyship will not believe me in that, no more will you believe me when I tell you, that pushing up the handkerchief towards my eye-brows, I found myself within a hand’s breadth and a half of heaven, which I’ll assure your ladyship upon oath is very huge; and it came to pass, that our road lay close to the seven nanny-goats[182]: now, I having been a goatherd in my youth, before God and my conscience! I no sooner set eyes on them, than I was seized with the inclination to divert myself a little with the pretty creatures, and if I had not done it, I believe I should have burst for vexation. Come on then, what does me I? but, without saying a word to any living soul, not even to my master, fairly and softly slide down from Clavileno, and sport with the nannies, which are like violets and lilies, for the space of three quarters of an hour, and all that time the horse did not budge a step from the place.’

‘And while honest Sancho diverted himself with the goats,’ said the duke, ‘how was Signior Don Quixote entertained?’ To this interrogation the knight replied, ‘As all these adventures and incidents are out of the ordinary course of nature, we are not to wonder at what Sancho has told; for my own part, I can safely affirm, that I neither shoved up nor pulled down the bandage, nor did see either heaven, or earth, or sea, or land. True it is, I perceived we passed through the region of the air, and even bordered upon the region of fire, but that we travelled beyond it I cannot believe; for the fiery region being between the sphere of the moon and the utmost region of the air, we could not reach that firmament in which are placed the seven nannies, as Sancho calls them, without being scorched to death; and seeing we are not scorched, either Sancho lyes, or Sancho dreams.’—‘I neither lye nor dream,’ cried the squire; ‘let them ask the marks of the nanny-goats, and by my answers you will perceive whether or not I speak truth.’—‘Describe them, then, Sancho,’ said the duchess. ‘Two of them,’ replied Sancho, ‘are green, two carnation, two blue, and one motley.’—‘This is a new breed,’ said the duke; ‘in our region of earth there are no such colours; I mean, among the nanny-goats.’—‘That is very plain,’ replied the squire; ‘there must be some difference between the goats of heaven and those upon earth.’—‘Pray, tell me, Sancho,’ said his grace, ‘didst thou see never a he-goat among those females[183]?’—‘No, my lord,’ answered the squire; ‘I have been told none of those pass beyond the horns of the moon.’

They did not chuse to interrogate him farther about his journey; for they concluded that Sancho was in a fair way to travel through all the heavens above, and tell the news of each, though he had never stirred from the garden.

Finally, thus ended the adventure of the afflicted duenna, which afforded a fund for laughter to the duke and duchess, not only at that time, but during the whole course of their lives; as well as matter for Sancho to relate, had he lived whole centuries.

Don Quixote coming to the squire, whispered in his ear, ‘Hark ye, Sancho; since you would have us believe what you say, touching the things you saw in heaven, I desire the like credit from you with regard to those things I saw in the cave of Montesinos: that’s all.’

Footnote 181:

Equivalent to Abington law; in consequence of which, a criminal is first executed, and then tried. Peralvillo is a village near Ciuidad Real, in Castile, where the officers of the holy brotherhood execute robbers taken in flagrante, who require no trial. Hence the phrase, ‘La justicia de Peralvillo, que aborcado el hombre, le baze la Pesquisa.’ i. e. ‘Peralvillo law, which begins the process after the man is hanged.’

Footnote 182:

In Spain, the Pleiades are vulgarly called cabrillas, i. e. nanny-goats.

Footnote 183:

There is a kind of pleasantry in this question of the duke, which cannot be translated; for the Spanish word, cabron, signifies a cuckold, as well as an he-goat.

CHAP. X. CONTAINING DON QUIXOTE’S INSTRUCTIONS TO SANCHO PANZA, BEFORE HE SET OUT FOR HIS GOVERNMENT— WITH OTHER WELL WEIGHED INCIDENTS.

The duke and duchess were so well pleased with the diverting and happy success of the adventure of the afflicted duenna, that they resolved to proceed with the jest, seeing what a proper subject they had to make it pass for earnest. Having, therefore, communicated their scheme and instructions to their servants and vassals, touching their behaviour to Sancho in his government of the promised island; on the day succeeding the flight of Clavileno, the duke desired him to prepare and make himself ready to set out for his government, as the islanders already longed for him as much as for May showers.

Sancho, having made his obeisance, ‘Since my descent from heaven,’ said he, ‘and since from its lofty summit I have viewed the earth, and found it of such small extent, my desire of being a governor is much moderated; for what grandeur can there be in reigning over a grain of mustard-seed? or what dignity and empire in governing half a dozen of mortals no bigger than filberts? for the whole earth seemed to contain nothing more. If your lordship would be pleased to bestow upon me a small trifling space in heaven, though it should not be above half a league, I would more gladly receive it than the best island in the world.’—‘You must consider, friend Sancho,’ replied the duke, ‘that I have it not in my power to give away any part of heaven; no, not a nail’s breadth, these favours and benefits are in the gift of God alone. What is in my power, I freely give you; namely, a good island, right and tight, round and well-proportioned, above measure fertile, and so abounding with all good things, that if you mind your hits, you may with the riches of earth purchase the opulence of heaven.’—‘Well, then,’ cried Sancho, ‘let this island be forthcoming, and I will struggle hard, but I shall be such a governor that in spite of knaves, I may go to heaven; and take notice, it is not from avarice that I desire to quit my cottage, and raise myself to a footing with my betters; but solely to taste and try what it is to be a governor.’—‘Nay, if once you taste it,’ said the duke, ‘you will be ready to eat your fingers after the government; for nothing is so delicious as to command and be obeyed; certain I am, that when your master shall come to be an emperor, as will doubtless be the case, considering the current of his affairs, it will not be in the power of any person upon earth to tear it from him, and he will sorely grieve, and heartily rue the time he has lost before his advancement to such an imperial station.’—‘Indeed, my lord,’ replied Sancho, ‘I imagine it must be a very pleasant thing to govern, even though it should be but a flock of sheep.’—‘May I be buried with you, Sancho, but you know every thing!’ answered the duke; ‘I hope you will turn out such a governor as your judgment and sagacity seem to promise: but here let that matter rest; and take notice, that tomorrow morning you must set out for the government of the island; and this evening you shall be accommodated with a convenient dress, and all other necessaries for your departure.’—‘They may dress me as they will,’ said the squire; ‘but, be that as it may, I shall still be Sancho Panza.’—‘True,’ replied the duke; ‘but the garb ought always to be suited to the dignity and function of the profession; for it would be a great impropriety in a lawyer to appear in the dress of a soldier, or in a soldier to wear canonicals; you, Sancho, must wear an habit that shall partly bespeak the gown, and partly the sword; for in the island which I have bestowed upon you, letters and arms are both necessary.’—‘As for letters,’ answered Sancho, ‘I am but indifferently stored, as I am even ignorant of the a, b, c; but, provided I remember my Christ-cross, I shall be sufficiently qualified for a good governor. With regard to arms, I shall use those that may be put into my hand, until I can stand no longer, and God be my shield!’—‘With such an excellent memory,’ said the duke, ‘Sancho can never fall into the least mistake.’

Here they were joined by Don Quixote, who understanding the subject of their conversation, and the short space allotted to Sancho to prepare for his departure, took the squire by the hand, with the duke’s permission, and led him to his apartment, in order to instruct him how to behave in his office. Having entered the chamber, he locked the door, and obliging Sancho to sit down by him, spoke to this effect, in a grave and solemn tone.

‘I return infinite thanks to Heaven, friend Sancho, for having ordained, that, before I myself have met with the least success, good fortune hath gone forth to bid thee welcome. I, who had balanced the remuneration of thy service in my own prosperity, find myself in the very rudiments of promotion; while thou, before thy time, and contrary to all the laws of reasonable progression, findest thy desire accomplished. Other people bribe, solicit, importune, attend levees, intreat, and persevere, without obtaining their suit; and another comes, who, without knowing why or wherefore, finds himself in possession of that office to which so many people laid claim; and here the old saying is aptly introduced, A pound of good luck is worth a ton of merit. Thou, who in comparison to me, art doubtless an ignorant dunce, without rising early, or sitting up late, or, indeed, exerting the least industry; without any pretension more or less, than that of being breathed upon by knight-errantry, seest thyself created governor of an island, as if it was a matter of moonshine. All this I observe, O Sancho, that thou mayest not attribute thy success to thy own deserts; but give thanks to Heaven for having disposed matters so beneficially in thy behalf, and then make thy acknowledgments to that grandeur which centers in the profession of knight-errantry. Thy heart being thus predisposed to believe what I have said, be attentive, O my son, to me, who am thy Cato, thy counsellor, thy north pole, and guide, to conduct thee into a secure harbour, from the tempestuous sea into which thou art going to be engulphed; for great posts, and offices of state, are no other than a profound gulph of confusion.

‘In the first place, O my son, you are to fear God: the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom; and if you are wise you cannot err.

‘Secondly, you must always remember who you are, and endeavour to know yourself; a study of all others the most difficult. This self knowledge will hinder you from blowing yourself up like a frog, in order to rival the size of an ox; if, therefore, you succeed in this learning, the consideration of thy having been a swineherd, will, like the peacock’s ugly feet, be a check upon thy folly and pride.’—‘I own, I once kept hogs, when I was a boy,’ said Sancho; ‘but after I grew up, I quitted that employment, and took care of geese; but I apprehend that matter is not of great consequence, for all governors are not descended from the kingly race.’—‘No, sure,’ answered the knight; ‘and, for that reason, those who are not of noble extraction, ought to sweeten the gravity of their function with mildness and affability; which, being prudently conducted, will screen them from those malicious murmurs that no station can escape. Rejoice, Sancho, in the lowness of your pedigree, and make no scruple of owning yourself descended from peasants; for nobody will endeavour to make you blush for that of which they see you are not ashamed; and value yourself more upon being a virtuous man of low degree, than upon being a proud sinner of noble birth. Innumerable are those, who, from an humble stock, have risen to the pontifical and imperatorial dignity; a truth which I could prove by so many examples, that you would not have patience to hear them.

‘Take notice, Sancho, if you chuse virtue for your medium, and pique yourself upon performing worthy actions, you will have no cause to envy noblemen and princes; for blood is hereditary, but virtue is acquired; consequently, this last has an intrinsick value, which the other does not possess.

‘This being the case, as undoubtedly it is, if peradventure any one of your relations should come to visit you in your island, you must not discountenance and affront him; but, on the contrary, let him be kindly received and entertained; and, in so doing, you will act conformably to the will of Heaven, which is displeased at seeing its own handy work despised; and perform your duty to the well-concerted rights of nature.

‘If you send for your wife, (and, indeed, those who are concerned in governing ought not to be long without their helpmates) take pains in teaching, improving, and civilizing her; for all that a sagacious governor can acquire, is very often lost and squandered by a foolish rustick wife.

‘If, perchance, you should become a widower, a circumstance that may possibly happen, and have it in your power to make a more advantageous match, you must not chuse such a yoke-fellow as will serve for an angling-hook, fishing-rod, or equivocating hood[184]; for verily I say unto thee, all that a judge’s wife receives must be accounted for at the general clearance, by the husband, who will repay fourfold after death what he made no reckoning of during life.

‘Never conduct yourself by the law of your own arbitrary opinion, which is generally the case with those ignorant people who presume upon their own self-sufficiency.

‘Let the tears of the poor find more compassion in thy breast, though not more justice, than the informations of the rich.

‘Endeavour to investigate the truth from among the promises and presents of the opulent, as well as from the sighs and importunities of the needy.

‘When equity can, and ought to take place, inflict not the whole rigour of the law upon the delinquent; for severity is not more respected than compassion, in the character of a judge.

‘If ever you suffer the rod of justice to be bent a little, let it not be warped by the weight of corruption, but the bowels of mercy.

‘If ever you should have an opportunity to judge the process of your enemy, recal the attention from the injury you have received, and fix it wholly upon the truth of the case.

‘In another man’s cause, be not blinded by private affection; for the errors thus committed are generally incurable; or, if they admit of remedy, it will be greatly at the expence of your fortune and credit.

‘If a beautiful woman should come to demand justice, withdraw your eyes from her tears, and your hearing from her sighs, and deliberate at a distance upon the substance of her demand, unless you have a mind that your reason should be overwhelmed by her complaint, and your virtue buried in her sighs.

‘Abuse not him in word whom you are resolved to chastise in deed; for to such a wretch, the pain of the punishment will be sufficient, without the addition of reproach.

‘In judging the delinquents who shall fall under your jurisdiction, consider the miserable object man, subject to the infirmities of our depraved nature; and, as much as lies in your power, without injury to the contrary party, display your clemency and compassion; for although all the attributes of God are equally excellent, that of mercy has a better effect in our eye, and strikes with greater lustre than justice.

‘If you observe and conduct yourself by these rules and precepts, Sancho, your days will be long upon the face of the earth; your fame will be eternal, your reward compleat, and your felicity unutterable; your children will be married according to your wish; they and their descendants will enjoy titles; you shall live in peace and friendship with all mankind: when your course of life is run, death will overtake you in an happy and mature old age, and your eyes will be shut by the tender and delicate hands of your posterity, in the third or fourth generation.

‘The remarks I have hitherto made, are documents touching the decoration of your soul; and now you will listen to those that regard the ornaments of the body.’

Footnote 184:

The phrase, No quiero de tu capilla, alludes to the practice of friars, who, when charity is offered, hold out their hoods to receive it, while they pronounce a refusal with their tongues.

CHAP. XI. OF THE SECOND SERIES OF INSTRUCTIONS WHICH DON QUIXOTE GAVE TO SANCHO PANZA.

Who that had heard this discourse of Don Quixote, would not have taken him for a person of sound judgment, and excellent disposition? but, as we have oftentimes observed, in the progress of this sublime history, his madness never appeared except when the string of chivalry was touched; and on all other subjects of conversation, he displayed a clear and ready understanding; so that every minute his works discredit his judgment, and his judgment his works. But, in this second set of instructions communicated to Sancho, he discovered great ingenuity, and raised his madness and discretion to a most elevated pitch.

Sancho listened with the utmost attention, and endeavoured to retain his advice, like a man who desired to preserve it, as the infallible means to promote the happy birth of that government with which he was so far gone. Don Quixote then proceeded in these terms.

‘With respect to the government of your person and family, Sancho: in the first place, I charge you to be cleanly, and pare your nails; and do not let them grow, like some people whose ignorance teaches them that long nails beautify the hand, as if that additional excrement which they neglect to cut, were really and truly the nail; whereas, it more nearly resembles the talons of a lizard-hunting wind-whiffer, and is a most beastly and extraordinary abuse.

‘You must never appear loose and unbuttoned; for a slovenly dress denotes a disorderly mind; unless that looseness and negligence be the effect of cunning, as we suppose to have been the case with Julius Cæsar.

‘Examine sagaciously the profits of your place, and if they will afford livery to your servants, let it be rather decent and substantial, than gay and tawdry; and be sure to divide it between your servants and the poor. For example, if you can clothe six pages, put three in livery, and clothe as many poor boys; and then you will have pages for Heaven as well as earth: now, this is a method of giving livery, which the vain-glorious could never conceive.

‘Abstain from eating garlick and onions, lest your breath should discover your rusticity.

‘Walk leisurely, speak distinctly, but not so as to seem delighted with your own discourse; for all affectation is disagreeable.

‘Dine sparingly, and eat very little at supper; for the health of the whole body depends upon the operation of the stomach.

‘Be temperate in drinking; and consider, that excess of wine will neither keep a secret nor perform a promise.

‘Beware, Sancho, of chewing on both sides of your mouth, as well as eructing before company.’—‘I do not understand what you mean by eructing,’ said the squire. ‘By eructing,’ answered the knight, ‘I mean belching; which though one of the most expressive, is at the same time one of the most vulgar terms of our language; therefore, people of taste have had recourse to the Latin tongue, saying “To eruct,” instead of “To belch,” and substituting eructations in the room of belchings; and though some people may not understand these terms, it is of small importance; for time and use will introduce and render them intelligible; and this is what we call enriching the language, over which the practice of the vulgar has great influence.’—‘Truly, Signior,’ said Sancho, ‘one of the advices and good counsels which I intend to remember, must be that of not belching; for it is a fault of which I am very often guilty.’—‘Eructing, Sancho, and not belching.’ replied Don Quixote. ‘Eructing it shall be henceforward,’ answered the squire; ‘and I will take care that it shall not be forgotten.’

‘Moreover, Sancho, you must not intermingle so many proverbs with your discourse; for, although proverbs are short sentences, you very often bring them in by the head and shoulders, so preposterously, that they look more like the ravings of distraction than well-chosen apothegms.’

‘That defect God himself must remedy,’ said Sancho; ‘for I have more proverbs by heart, than would be sufficient to fill a large book; and, when I speak, they croud together in such a manner, as to quarrel for utterance; so that my tongue discharges them just as they happen to be in the way, whether they are or are not to the purpose: but I will take care henceforward, to throw out those that may be suitable to the gravity of my office; for, Where there’s plenty of meat, the supper will soon be compleat. He that shuffles does not cut. A good hand makes a short game; and, It requires a good brain, to know when to give and retain.’—‘Courage, Sancho,’ cried Don Quixote, ‘squeeze, tack, and string your proverbs together, here are none to oppose you. My mother whips me, and I whip the top. Here am I exhorting thee to suppress thy proverbs, and in an instant thou hast spewed forth a whole litany of them, which are as foreign from the subject as an old ballad. Remember, Sancho, I do not say that a proverb, properly applied, is amiss; but to throw in, and string together, old saws, helter skelter, renders conversation altogether mean and despicable.

‘When you appear on horseback, do not lean backwards over the saddle, nor stretch out your legs stiffly from the horse’s belly, nor let them hang dangling in a slovenly manner, as if you was upon the back of Dapple; for some ride like jockies, and some like gentlemen.

‘Be very moderate in sleeping; for he who does not rise with the sun, cannot enjoy the day; and observe, O Sancho! Industry is the mother of prosperity; and Laziness, her opposite, never saw the accomplishment of a good wish.

‘The last advice which I shall now give thee, although it does not relate to the ornament of the body, I desire thou wilt carefully remember; for, in my opinion, it will be of as much service to thee, as any I have hitherto mentioned; and this it is: Never engage in a dispute upon pedigree, at least, never compare one with another; for in all comparisons, one must of consequence be preferred to the other; and he whom you have abased will abhor you; nor will you ever reap the least return from him whom you have extolled.

‘Your garb shall consist of breeches and stockings; a full waistcoat, with skirts and hanging sleeves, and a loose coat; but never think, of wearing trunk hose, which neither become gentlemen nor governors.

‘This is all that occurs to me at present, in the way of advice; but, in process of time, my instructions shall be proportioned to thy occasions, provided thou wilt take care to communicate, from time to time, the nature of thy situation.’

‘Signior,’ said Sancho, ‘I plainly perceive that all the advices you have given me, are sound and good, and profitable; but of what signification will they be, if I forget them all? Indeed, as for the matter of not letting my nails grow, or marrying another wife, in case I should have an opportunity, it will not easily slip out of my brain; but as to those other gallimawfries, quirks, and quiddities, I neither do retain them, nor shall I ever retain more of them than of last year’s rain; and therefore, it will be necessary to let me have them in writing; for, though I myself can neither read nor write, I will give them to my confessor, that he may repeat and beat them into my noddle, as there shall be occasion.’

‘Ah, sinner that I am!’ exclaimed Don Quixote, ‘what a scandal it is for governors to be so ignorant, that they can neither read nor write! Thou must know, Sancho, that for a man to be totally devoid of letters, or left-handed, argues either that he was descended from the very lowest and meanest of people, or that he was so wicked and stubborn, that good example and judicious precept have had no effect upon his mind or understanding. This is a great defect in thy character, and I wish thou wouldst learn, if possible, to write thy name.’—‘I can sign my name very well,’ answered Sancho; ‘for, during my stewardship of the brotherhood, I learned to make such letters as are ruddled into packs, and those they tell me stood for my name; besides, I can feign myself lame of my right-hand, and keep a secretary to sign in my room; so that there is a remedy for every thing but death. And I having the cudgel in my hand, will make them do as I command; for he whose father is mayor—you know—and I shall be a governor, which is still better——Let them come and see, but not throw their squibs or slanders at me: otherwise they may come for wool and go home shorn. The house itself will tell, if God loves its master well. A rich man’s folly is wisdom in the world’s eye: now, I being rich as being governor, and liberal withal, as I intend to be, nobody will spy my defects. Make yourself honey, and a clown will have flies. You are worth as much as you have, said my grannam; and, Might overcomes right.’

‘O! God’s curse light on thee,’ cried Don Quixote: ‘threescore thousand devils fly away with thee and thy proverbs! A full hour hast thou been stringing them together, and every one has been like a dagger to my soul. Take my word for it, these proverbs will bring thee one day to the gallows! for these, thy vassals will deprive thee of thy government, or at least enter into associations against thee. Tell me, numscull, where didst thou find this heap of old saws? or how didst thou learn to apply them, wiseacre? It makes me sweat like a day-labourer, to utter one proverb as it ought to be applied.’—‘’Fore God, Sir master of mine,’ replied Sancho, ‘your worship complains of mere trifles. Why the devil should you be in dudgeon with me for making use of my own? I have no other fortune or stock, but proverbs upon proverbs; and now there are no less than four at my tongue’s end, that come as pat to the purpose as pears in a basket; but, for all that, they shall not come forth; for, sagacious silence is Sancho.[185]’—‘That thou art not, Sancho,’ said the knight; ‘far from being sagaciously silent, thou art an obstinate and eternal babbler. Nevertheless, I would fain hear those four proverbs that are so pat to the purpose; for I have been rummaging my whole memory, which I take to be a good one, and not a proverb occurs to my recollection.’—‘What can be better than these?’ replied the squire: ‘Never thrust your thumb between another man’s grinders; and to, Get out of my house! what would you with my wife? there is no reply: Whether the stone goes to the pitcher, or the pitcher to the stone, ’ware pitcher. Now all these fit to a hair. Let no man meddle with a governor or his substitute; otherwise he will suffer, as if he had thrust his finger between two grinders; and even if they should not be grinders, if they are teeth, it makes little difference: then, to what a governor says, there is no reply to be made, no more than to, Get out of my house! what would you with my wife? and as to the stone and the pitcher, a blind man may see the meaning of it: Wherefore, let him who spies a mote in his neighbour’s eye, look first to the beam in his own, that people may not say of him, The dead mare was frighted at the flay’d mule; and your worship is very sensible that a fool knows more in his own house than a wise man in that of his neighbour.’—‘There, Sancho, you are mistaken.’ answered Don Quixote; ‘a fool knows nothing either in his own or his neighbour’s house; because no edifice of understanding can be raised upon the foundation of folly. But here let the subject rest: if thou shouldest misbehave in thy government, thine will be the fault and mine the shame; I console myself, however, in reflecting that I have done my duty in giving thee advice, with all the earnestness and discretion in my power; so that I have acquitted myself in point of promise and obligation. God conduct thee, Sancho, and govern thee in thy government, and deliver me from an apprehension I have, that thou wilt turn the island topsy turvy; a misfortune which I might prevent, by discovering to the duke what thou art, and telling him all that paunch and corpulency of thine is no other than a bag full of proverbs and impertinence.’

‘Signior,’ replied Sancho, ‘if your worship really thinks I am not qualified for that government, I renounce it from henceforward forever. Amen. I have a greater regard for a nail’s breadth of my soul, than my whole body; and I can subsist as bare Sancho, upon a crust of bread and an onion, as well as governor on capons and partridges; for, While we sleep, great and small, rich and poor, are equal all. If your worship will consider, your worship will find, that you yourself put this scheme of government into my head; as for my own part, I know no more of the matter than a bustard; and if you think the governorship will be the means of my going to the devil, I would much rather go as simple Sancho to Heaven, than as a governor to hell fire.’

‘Before God!’ cried the knight, ‘from these last reflections thou hast uttered, I pronounce thee worthy to govern a thousand islands. Thou hast an excellent natural disposition, without which all science is naught: recommend thyself to God, and endeavour to avoid errors in the first intention; I mean, let thy intention and unshaken purpose be, to deal righteously in all thy transactions; for Heaven always favours the upright design. And now let us go in to dinner; for I believe their graces wait for us.’

Footnote 185:

Instead of saintly.

CHAP. XII. GIVING AN ACCOUNT OF THE MANNER IN WHICH SANCHO WAS CONDUCTED TO THE GOVERNMENT, AND A STRANGE ADVENTURE THAT HAPPENED TO DON QUIXOTE IN THE CASTLE.

The original of the history, it is said, relates that the interpreter did not translate this chapter as it had been written by Cid Hamet Benengeli, who bewails his fate in having undertaken such a dry and confined history as that of Don Quixote; which obliged him to treat of nothing but the knight and his squire, without daring to launch out into other more grave and entertaining episodes and digressions. He complained, that to be thus restricted in his hand, his pen, and his invention, to one subject only, so as to be obliged to speak through the mouths of a few persons, was an insupportable toil, that produced no fruit to the advantage of the author; and that in order to avoid this inconvenience, he had in the first part used the artifice of some novels, such as the Impertinent Curiosity, and the Captive, which were detached from the history, although many particulars there recounted are really incidents which happened to Don Quixote; and, therefore, could not be suppressed. It was likewise his opinion, as he observes, that many readers being wholly ingrossed with the exploits of Don Quixote, would not bestow attention upon novels, but pass them over either with negligence or disgust, without adverting to the spirit and artifice they contain: a truth which would plainly appear, were they to be published by themselves, independent of the madness of Don Quixote, and the simplicities of Sancho. He would not therefore insert in the second part any novels, whether detached or attached; but only a few episodes that seem to spring from those very incidents which truth represents; and even these, as brief and concise as they could possibly be related: and since he includes and confines himself within the narrow limits of narration, though his abilities and understanding are sufficient to treat the whole universe, he hopes that his work will not be depreciated; and begs he may receive due praise, not for what he has written, but for what he has left unwrit. Then the history proceeds in this manner.

In the evening that succeeded the afternoon on which the knight admonished his squire, he gave him his admonitions in writing, that he might find some person to read them occasionally; but, scarce had Sancho received, than he dropped them by accident, and they fell into the hands of the duke, who communicated the paper to the duchess, and both admired anew the madness and ingenuity of Don Quixote. Revolving to prosecute the jest, they, that very evening, dismissed Sancho with a large retinue to the place, which he supposed to be an island; the execution of the whole scheme being left to the sagacity of the duke’s steward, who was a person of great humour and discretion; for without discretion there can be no humour. He it was who acted the part of the Countess Trifaldi, with that pleasantry above related. Thus qualified, and in consequence of the instructions he received from their graces touching his behaviour to Sancho, he had performed his part to admiration. It happened, then, that Sancho no sooner beheld the said steward, than he traced in his countenance the very features of Trifaldi; and turning to his master, ‘Signior,’ said he, ‘the devil may fly away with me from this spot where I stand, as an honest man, and a believer, if your worship will not confess that the face of the duke’s steward here present, is the very same with that of the afflicted duenna!’ Don Quixote, having attentively considered the steward’s countenance, replied, ‘There is no occasion for the devil’s running away with thee, Sancho, either as an honest man or a believer; (indeed, I cannot guess thy meaning) for, sure enough, this steward’s face is the very same with that of the afflicted duenna; but, nevertheless, the steward and the duenna cannot possibly be the same person: that would imply a downright contradiction, and this is no time to set on foot such enquiries, which would entangle us in the maze of inextricable labyrinths. Believe me, friend, we ought to beseech the Lord very earnestly to deliver us from those two evils of wicked wizzards, and vile inchanters.’—‘But this is no joke,’ answered Sancho; ‘for I heard him speak a little while ago, and methought the very voice of Trifaldi sounded in mine ears. At present, however, I will hold my tongue; but, nevertheless, I will keep a strict eye over him from henceforward, in order to discover some other mark either to destroy or confirm my suspicion.’—‘Do so, Sancho,’ said Don Quixote; ‘and be sure to send me notice of the discoveries thou shalt make in this particular, as well as of every thing that shall happen to thee in the course of thine administration.’

At length Sancho departed with a numerous attendance; he was dressed like a gownman, with a long cloak of murrey-coloured camblet, and a cap of the same stuff: he rode upon a mule, with short stirrups; and was followed by Dapple, who, by the duke’s express order, was adorned with rich trappings of flaming silk; so that the governor from time to time turned about his head to contemplate the finery of his ass, with whose company he was so well content, that he would not have exchanged it for that of the German emperor.

At parting, he kissed the hands of the duke and duchess; and asked the benediction of his master, which was given with tears, and received with a whimper.

Courteous reader, suffer honest Sancho to depart in peace and happy time, and lay thy account with two bushels of laughter, which will proceed from thy knowing how he behaved himself in office; and in the mean time, attend to what befel his master this very night; an incident which, if it cannot excite thy laughter, will, at least, induce thee to grin like a monkey; for the adventures of Don Quixote must be celebrated, either with mirth or admiration.

It is related, then, that Sancho was no sooner gone than his master became solitary; and had it been possible, would have revoked the commission, and deprived him of his government; but the duchess being apprized of his melancholy, desired to know the cause, observing, that if it proceeded from Sancho’s absence, there was plenty of squires, duennas, and damsels, in the family, who should serve him to the satisfaction of his utmost wish. ‘True it is, my Lady Duchess,’ replied Don Quixote, ‘I feel the absence of Sancho; but that is not the principal cause of my seeming sadness; and of all the generous proffers of your excellency, I chuse to accept nothing but the good-will with which they are made; for the rest, I humbly beg your excellency will consent, and permit me to wait upon myself in my own apartment.’—‘Truly,’ said the duchess, ‘that must not be; Signior Don Quixote shall be served by four of my damsels, as beautiful as roses.’—‘With regard to me,’ answered the knight, ‘they will not be roses, but thorns to prick my very soul; and, therefore, I will as soon fly as permit them, or any thing like them, to enter my chamber. If your grace would continue to bestow your favours, which, I own, I do not deserve, suffer me to be private, and make use of my own doors, that I may raise a wall between my passions and my chastity; a custom which I would not forego for all the liberality which your highness is pleased to display in my behalf; and, in a word, I will rather sleep in my cloaths than consent to be undressed by any person whatsoever.’—‘Enough, enough, Signior Don Quixote,’ answered her grace; ‘you may depend upon it, I shall give such orders, that not even a fly, much less a damsel, shall enter your apartment; I am not a person to discompose the decency of Signior Don Quixote, among whose virtues, I perceive, that of decorum shines with superior lustre. Your worship may dress and undress yourself alone, after your own fashion, when and how you please, without lett or impediment; for in your chamber you will find every utensil suited to those who sleep under lock and key, without being obliged to open upon any necessary occasion. Long live the great Dulcinea del Toboso, and may her fame be extended around the whole circumference of the earth, seeing she is worthy to be beloved by a knight of such valour and chastity; and may propitious Heaven infuse into the heart of Sancho Panza, our governor, a promptitude to finish his flagellation, that the world may soon re-enjoy the beauty of such an excellent lady!’ To this compliment the knight replied; ‘Your highness hath spoken like yourself; for from the mouths of such benevolent ladies nothing evil can proceed; and Dulcinea will be more fortunate, and more renowned through the world, by your grace’s approbation, than by all the applause of the greatest orators upon earth.’

‘Well then, Signior Don Quixote,’ answered the duchess, ‘it is now supper time, and the duke probably stays for us; let us go and sup, therefore, that you may be a-bed betimes; for your journey to Candaya was not so short, but that it must have fatigued your worship in some measure.’—‘Madam,’ replied Don Quixote, ‘I feel no sort of weariness; and I swear to your excellency, that in my life I never crossed a better or easier going steed than Clavileno; nor can I conceive what should induce Malambruno to deprive himself of such a light and gentle carriage, by burning it without scruple or hesitation.’—‘As to that particular,’ said the duchess, ‘we may suppose, that repenting of the injury he had done to the countess and her company, as well as to other people, and being sorry for the mischief he must certainly have produced as a wizzard and inchanter, he resolved to destroy all the instruments of his art; as the principal of these, which gave him the greatest uneasiness, because it has transported him from place to place in his operations, he burned Clavileno, that by means of his ashes, and the trophy of the parchment, the valour of Don Quixote might be eternized.’

The knight made fresh acknowledgments of her grace’s politeness, and after supper retired to his apartment, without suffering any person to accompany or minister unto his occasions; so much was he afraid of meeting with trials, which might provoke or compel him to forego the chastity and decorum which he had hitherto preserved for his mistress Dulcinea, ever schooling his imagination with the exemplary virtue of Amadis, the flower and mirrour of knight-errantry.

Having locked the door behind him, he undressed himself by the light of two wax tapers; and in the course of this occupation (O misfortune, ill decreed to such a personage!) forth broke—not a volley of sighs, or any thing else to discredit the purity of his politeness, but about two dozen of stitches in one stocking; which, being thus torn, resembled a lattice: a mishap which was the source of extreme affliction to our worthy Signior; who, on this occasion, would have given an ounce of silver for a drachm of green silk, for his stockings were of that colour.

Here Benengeli exclaims, ‘O poverty, poverty! I know not what should induce the great Cordovan poet to call thee an holy unfrequented gift. I, though a Moor, am very sensible, from my correspondence with Christians, that holiness consists in charity, humility, faith, poverty, and obedience; yet, nevertheless, I will affirm, that he must be holy indeed, who can sit down content with poverty, unless we mean that kind of poverty to which one of the greatest saints alludes, when he says, “Possess all things as not possessing them,” and this is called spiritual poverty. But thou second poverty, which is the cause I spoke of, why wouldst thou assault gentlemen of birth rather than any other class of people? Why dost thou compel them to cobble their shoes, and wear upon their coats one button of silk, another of hair, and a third of glass? Why must their ruffs be generally yellow and ill starched?’ (By the bye, from this circumstance we learn the antiquity of ruffs and starch[186].) But, thus he proceeds: ‘O wretched man of noble pedigree! who is obliged to administer cordials to his honour, in the midst of hunger and solitude, by playing the hypocrite with a toothpick, which he affects to use in the street, though he has eat nothing to require that act of cleanliness; wretched he! I say, whose honour is ever apt to be startled, and thinks that every body, at a league’s distance, observes the patch upon his shoe, his greasy hat, and thread-bare cloak, and even the hunger that predominates in his belly!’

All these reflections occurred to Don Quixote when he tore his stockings; but he consoled himself for the misfortune, when he perceived that Sancho had left behind him a pair of travelling-boots, which he resolved to wear next day: finally, he crept into bed, where he lay pensive and melancholy, as well for the absence of Sancho, as for the irreparable misfortune of his stocking, which he would have gladly mended, even with silk of a different colour; one of the greatest marks of misery which a gentleman can exhibit in the course of his tedious poverty. After having extinguished the lights, he found the weather so hot that he could not sleep: he therefore arose again, and opened the casement of a great window that looked into a fine garden; then it was, that perceiving and hearing people walking and talking together, he began to listen attentively, while those below spoke so loud that he heard the following dialogue.

‘Do not, O Emerencia, press me to sing; for well thou knowest, that from the moment this stranger entered the castle, and mine eyes beheld his merit, instead of singing, I can do nothing but weep; besides, my lady’s sleep is rather slight than profound; and I would not for all the wealth in the world, that her grace should find us here. Moreover, suppose she should still sleep on, without waking, vain would be my song, unless it should awake, and attract the attention of this new Æneas, who is arrived in my territories, in order to leave me forlorn.’—‘Let not these suppositions have any weight with you, my dear Altisidora,’ replied another voice; ‘the duchess is doubtless asleep, and every body in the house, except the lord of your heart, and watchman of your soul, who must certainly be awake, for I just now heard him open the casement in his apartment; sing, therefore, my disastrous friend, in a low, sweet, and plaintive tone, to the sound of thy harp; and should the duchess overhear us, we will lay the blame upon the heat of the weather.’—‘That is not the cause of my hesitation, O Emerencia,’ replied Altisidora; ‘but, I am afraid that my song will disclose the situation of my heart, and I myself be censured by those who never felt the almighty power of Love, as a light and liquorish damsel; but, come what will, better have an hot face than an heavy heart.’ At that instant an harp was ravishingly touched, and Don Quixote hearing the sound, was struck with amazement; for his imagination was instantly filled with an infinity of similar adventures of rails and gardens, serenades, courtships and swoonings, which he had read in his vain books of chivalry; and he concluded that some damsel of the duchess was enamoured of him, but that modesty compelled her to keep her inclinations secret. Possessed of this notion, he began to be afraid of his virtue: but he resolved, in his own mind, to hold out to the last; and, recommending himself, with all his soul and spirit, to his mistress Dulcinea del Toboso, determined to listen to the song. With a view, therefore, to let them know he was there, he pretended to sneeze, a circumstance which not a little pleased the damsels, who desired nothing so much as that Don Quixote should hear them. Then the harp being tuned, Altisidora, after a flourish, began the following ditty.

SONG.

‘O Thou! who now a-bed, In Holland sheets are laid, And sleep’st from night till morn, Untouch’d by care and scorn; The knight of greatest worth La Mancha e’er brought forth; More chaste an hundred fold, Than pure Arabian gold; O hear an hapless maid By cruel love betray’d! The flame of thy two suns Hath scorch’d her to the bones! Thou seeking thy own foe, Hast found another’s woe: Thou gav’st the wound, and sure Wilt not refuse the cure. O tell me, valiant youth, (So God shall prosper truth) Wast thou in desarts bred, Or among mountains fed? Did serpents give thee suck, On some bleak barren rock, Deep in the wild recess Of forest or morass? Dulcinea fat and fair, May boast her shape and air, That in subjection hold A tyger fierce and bold: Her fame shall live in stanza, From Ebro to Arlanza, From Tagus to Henarez, From Seine to Manganarez, Would I her place could fill, I’d give her for good will, My gayest petticoat With golden fringes wrought, How happy then should I In thine embraces lie! Or on some cushion loll, And scratch thy valiant poll. Such joys are far above The merits of my love; Let me, then, bending low, With rapture kiss thy toe. What presents would be made, Of sattin and brocade! I’d give thee shoes and socks, Silk hose with silver clocks; Of cash uncounted sums, And pearls as big as plums; So precious, each would sell As perfect nonpareil. Manchegan Nero, say, Dost thou, aloof, survey The flames that rage and smart Within my love-sick heart? A maid I vow and swear, Young, tender, and sincere; As yet I have not seen The borders of fifteen. My sides are not awry, Nor lame, nor blind, am I: My locks with ribbands bound, Like lilies, sweep the ground: My nose is flat, ’tis true, And eke my mouth askew; But teeth as topaz fine, Compleat my charms divine; My voice, as you may hear, Is tuneful, sweet, and clear; My temper soft and good, If rightly understood. These beauties all so clever, Are yielded to thy quiver, And I who tell my story, Am call’d Altisidory.’

Here ended the song of the hapless Altisidora; and here began the horror of the courted Don Quixote; who, fetching a heavy sigh, said within himself—‘What an unfortunate errant am I, whom no damsel can behold without being enamoured of my person! and how hapless is the peerless Dulcinea del Toboso, who cannot enjoy my incomparable constancy, without a rival! Queens, what would you have? Empresses, why do you persecute her beauty? Damsels of fifteen, why do you molest such virtue? Leave, leave, I say, that wretched lady, to taste, enjoy, and triumph, in the lot which love hath decreed her, by subduing my heart, and captivating my soul. Take notice, enamoured tribe, that to Dulcinea alone I am sugar paste, but flint to all the rest of her sex: to her I am honey; but gall and bitterness to such as you. In my eye, Dulcinea alone is beauteous, wise, gay, chaste, and well-born; but all others are homely, foolish, idle, and of humble birth. To be her slave, and her’s alone, nature has thrown me into the world; Altisidora may weep or sing; and that lady may despair, on whose account I was pummelled in the castle of the inchanted Moor; Dulcinea’s I am resolved to be, boiled or roasted, neat, chaste, and well-bred, in spite of all the witchcraft upon earth.’ So saying, he shut the casement with a flap, and retired to bed, in as much anxiety and concern as if some great misfortune had befallen him. There, then, we will leave him for the present, as we are summoned by the mighty Panza, who is impatient to begin his famous administration.

Footnote 186:

Cervantes has been frequently caught napping, and here in particular: How could this be any proof of the antiquity of ruffs, when the adventure happened after the first part of Don Quixote was published? But, perhaps, this is no other than an ironical animadversion upon the trifling discoveries of antiquarians.

CHAP. XIII. GIVING AN ACCOUNT OF THE MANNER IN WHICH SANCHO PANZA TOOK POSSESSION OF HIS ISLAND, AND BEGAN HIS ADMINISTRATION.

O Thou! perpetual explorer of the antipodes, torch of nature, eye of Heaven, and agreeable motive for wine-cooling jars, Thymbrius here, Phœbus there, archer in one place, physician in another, father of poetry, and inventor of musick; thou who always risest, but never settest, although thou seemest to set. Thee I invoke, O sun! by whose assistance man is by man engendered; thee I implore, that thou would’st favour and enlighten the obscurity of my genius, and enable me to write with precision an account of the great Sancho Panza’s administration: for, without thy aid, I find myself lukewarm, feeble, and confused.

To begin, then: Sancho, with his whole retinue, arrived at a town containing about a thousand inhabitants, one of the best in the duke’s possession; which they told Sancho was called the Island Barataria, either because the name of the place was really Barataria, or because he had very cheaply purchased the government[187]. When he reached the gates of the town, which was walled, the magistrates came forth to receive him, the bells were set a ringing, and the inhabitants, with expressions of universal joy, conducted him with vast pomp to the great church, in order to return thanks to Heaven for his safe arrival; then, with some ridiculous ceremonies, they delivered to him the keys of the town, and admitted him as perpetual governor of the Island Barataria.

The equipage, matted beard, corpulency, and diminutive stature of the new governor, furnished food for admiration to every body who did not know the juggle of the contrivance; aye, and even to those acquainted with the mystery, who were not a few. In fine, they carried him from the church to the town-hall, and placing him upon the bench, the duke’s steward addressed himself to the governor in these words: ‘It is an ancient custom in this famous island, my lord governor, that he who comes to take possession of it is obliged to answer some difficult and intricate question that shall be put to him, and by his response the inhabitants feel the pulse of their new governor’s genius, according to which they rejoice or repine at his arrival.’ While the steward pronounced this address, Sancho was contemplating a number of large letters written upon the wall that fronted his tribunal, and as he could not read, he desired to know the meaning of that painting on the wall. ‘In that place, my lord,’ replied the steward, ‘is written and recorded, the day on which your excellency has taken possession of this island, for the inscription runs, On such a day and such a month, Signior Don Sancho Panza took possession of this island, and long may he enjoy the government thereof.’—‘And whom do they call Don Sancho Panza?’ said the governor. ‘Who, but your excellency,’ answered the steward; ‘for this island never saw any other Panza than him who sits on that tribunal.’—‘Take notice, then, brother,’ replied Sancho, ‘that Don belongs not to me, nor did it ever belong to any of my generation. Simple Sancho is my name; so was my father called, and so my grandfather; and they were all Panzas, without addition of Don or Donna; and I begin to imagine there are as many Dons as stones in this island; but no more of that: God knows my meaning; and peradventure, if my government lasts above three days, I shall weed out these Dons, which, from their swarms, must be as troublesome as vermin. But pray, Mr. Steward, proceed with your question, which I shall answer to the best of my understanding, whether the townsmen should repine or not repine.’

At that instant two men entered the hall, one in the habit of a labouring man, and the other a taylor with shears in his hand, who, approaching the bench, ‘My lord governor,’ said he, ‘this countryman and I are come before your lordship about an affair which I am going to explain. This honest man comes yesterday to my shop—for, saving your presence, I am an examined taylor, God be praised! and putting a remnant of cloth in my hand, “Gaffer,” said he, “is there stuff enough here to make me a cap?” I having handled the piece, replied, “Yes.” Now he supposing, as I suppose, and to be sure it was a right supposition, that I wanted to cabbage part of the stuff, grounding his suspicion on his own deceit, and the bad character of us taylors, desired I would see if there was enough for two caps; and I, guessing his thoughts, answered, “Yes.” And so my gentleman, persisting in his first and evil intention, went on adding cap to cap; and I proceeded to answer Yes upon Yes, until the number increased to five caps. This very moment he called for them; and when I produced them, he not only refused to pay me for my work, but even demanded that I should either restore the cloth, or pay him the price of it.’—‘Is this really the case, brother?’ said Sancho. ‘Yes, my lord,’ replied the countryman; ‘but I beg your lordship would order him to shew what sort of caps he has made.’—‘With all my heart,’ cried the taylor; who immediately pulling out his hand from under his cloak, produced five small caps fixed upon the tops of his four fingers and thumb; saying, ‘Here are the five caps which this honest man desired me to make; as I shall answer to God and my own conscience, there is not a scrap of the stuff remaining; and I am willing to submit the work to the inspection of the masters of the company.’ All the people in court laughed at the number of caps, and the novelty of the dispute, which Sancho having considered for a few moments, ‘Methinks,’ said he, ‘this suit requires no great discussion, but may be equitably determined out of hand: and therefore my determination is, that the taylor shall lose his work, and the countryman forfeit his cloth; and that the caps shall be distributed among the poor prisoners, without farther hesitation.’

If the sentence he afterwards passed upon the herdsman’s purse excited the admiration of the spectators, this decision provoked their laughter: nevertheless, they executed the orders of their governor, before whom two old men now presented themselves, one of them having a cane, which he used as a walking-staff. The other making up to the governor, ‘My lord,’ said he, ‘some time ago, I lent this man ten crowns of gold, to oblige and assist him in an emergency, on condition that he should pay them upon demand; and for a good while I never asked my money, that I might not put him to greater inconvenience in repaying than that which he felt when he borrowed the sum; but as he seemed to neglect the payment entirely, I have demanded the money again and again, and he not only refuses to refund, but also denies that I ever lent him the ten crowns; or, if I did, he says he is sure they were repaid: now, I having no witnesses to prove the loan, nor he evidence of the re-payment, for indeed they never were repaid, I entreat your lordship to take his oath; and if he swears the money was returned, I here forgive him the debt, in the presence of God.’—‘What have you to say to this charge, honest gaffer with the staff?’ said Sancho. ‘My lord,’ replied the senior, ‘I confess he lent me the money; and since he leaves the matter to my oath, if your lordship will lower your rod of justice, I will make affidavit, that I have really and truly returned, and repaid the sum I borrowed.’ The governor accordingly lowering his wand, the defendant desired the plaintiff to hold his cane until he should make oath, because it incumbered him; then laying his hand upon the cross of the rod, he declared that the other had indeed lent him those ten crowns which he now demanded; but that he, the borrower, had returned them into the lender’s own hand, and he supposed he dunned him in this manner, because he had forgot that circumstance. This oath being administered, the great governor asked what farther the creditor had to say to the allegation of the other party. And he answered, that doubtless the defendant had spoke the truth; for he looked upon him as an honest man, and a good Christian; and that as he himself must have forgot the particulars of the payment, he would never demand it from thenceforward. Then the defendant, taking back his cane, and making his obeisance, quitted the court; while Sancho seeing him retire in this manner, and perceiving the resignation of the plaintiff, hung down his head a little, and laying the fore-finger of his right-hand on one side of his nose, continued in this musing posture for a very small space of time: then, raising his head, he ordered them to call back the old man with the staff, who had retired: he was accordingly brought before Sancho; who said to him, ‘Honest friend, lend me that staff, I have occasion for it.’—‘With all my heart, my lord,’ replied the elder, reaching it to the judge: then Sancho took and delivered it to the plaintiff, saying: ‘Now, go your ways, a God’s name! you are fully paid.’—‘How, my lord!’ said the old man, ‘is this cane then worth ten crowns of Gold?’—‘Yes,’ replied the governor, ‘otherwise I am the greatest dunce in nature: and now it shall appear, whether or not I have a noddle sufficient to govern a whole kingdom.’ So saying, he ordered the cane to be broke in publick; and when, in consequence of his command, it was split asunder, ten crowns of gold were found in the heart of it, to the astonishment of all the spectators, who looked upon their new governor as another Solomon. When he was asked how he could conceive that the money was in the cane, he answered, that seeing the deponent give his staff to the other party before he made oath, then hearing him declare that he had really and truly returned the money; and lastly, perceiving that after his deposition he took back the staff, it came into his head that the money was concealed within the cane. And in this instance, we see that governors, though otherwise fools, are sometimes directed in their decisions by the hand of God: besides, Sancho had heard such a story told by the curate of his village, and his memory was so tenacious, in retaining every thing he wanted to remember, that there was not such another in the whole island. Finally, the two old men went away: the one overwhelmed with shame, and the other miraculously repaid; the by-standers were astonished; and he whose province it was to record the sayings, actions, and conduct of Sancho, could not determine in his own mind, whether he should regard and report him as a simpleton, or a sage.

This suit being determined, a woman came into court, holding fast by a man habited like a rich herdsman, and exclaiming with great vociferation, ‘Justice, my lord governor, justice! which, if I find not on earth, I will go in quest of to heaven! My lord governor of my soul, this wicked man has forced me in the middle of a field, and made use of my body as if it had been a dirty dishclout: alack, and a-well-a-day! he has robbed me of that which I had preserved for three and twenty years, in spite of Moors and Christians, natives and foreigners: and have I, who was always as hard as a cork-tree, maintained my virtue entire, like a salamander in the midst of flames, or wool among brambles, to be handled by the clean hands of this Robin Goodfellow?’—‘That must be enquired into,’ said Sancho, ‘whether the gallant’s hands be clean or no.’ Then turning to the man, he asked what he had to say to the complaint of that woman? To this question the culprit replied, with great perturbation, ‘My lord, I am a poor herdsman who deal in swine, and this morning went to market, saving your presence, with some hogs, and the duties and extortions, and one thing and another, ran away with almost all they were worth; and so, in my return, I lighted on this honest damsel on the road; and the devil, who will always meddle and make, and have a finger in every pye, yoked us together. I paid her handsomely; but she, not satisfied, laid fast hold on me, nor would she quit her hold until she had brought me hither: she alledges I forced her; but, by the oath I have taken, or am to take, she lyes; and this is the whole truth, without the least crumb of prevarication.’ Then the governor asked if he had any money about him; and when he owned he had a leathern purse with twenty ducats in his bosom, Sancho ordered him to pull it out, and deliver the whole to the complainant. The man obeyed this command with fear and trembling; the woman received this money, and making a thousand curtsies to all the by-standers, prayed God would preserve the life and health of my lord governor, who took such care of damsels and orphans in necessity. So saying, she went away, holding the purse with both hands, though not before she had examined the contents. Scarce had she quitted the court, when Sancho said to the herdsman, who stood with tears in his eyes, sending his heart, and many a long look after his purse, ‘Harkye, friend! go after that woman, and take the purse from her, either by fair means or force, and bring it hither to me.’ This command was not imposed upon one that was either deaf or doating; for he darted like lightning, in order to put it in execution: while all the spectators waited in suspence to see the issue of the suit. In a little time the parties returned, but more closely engaged, and clinging faster together than before; she, with her petticoat tucked up, and the purse in her lap; and he struggling, to no purpose, to take it from her; so vigorously did she defend her acquisition, crying aloud, ‘Justice, in the name of God and his creatures! Take notice, my lord governor, of the impudence and presumption of this miscreant, who, in the very face of the people, and the middle of the street, wanted to rob me of the purse which I received by your lordship’s decree.’—‘Has he taken it from you, then?’ said the governor. ‘Taken it from me!’ replied the wench; ‘I’ll sooner part with my life than with my purse. I should be a precious ninny indeed! otherguise cats must scratch my beard, and not such a pitiful muckworm as he. Pincers and hammers, mallets and chissels, should not tear it out of my clutches; no, not the claws of a lion; my soul and body shall rather be tore asunder.’—‘It is even so,’ said the man; ‘I submit as the weaker vessel, and own I have not strength enough to recover my purse.’ He quitted her accordingly. Then the governor said to the woman, ‘Come hither, my virtuous and spirited dame; let me see thy purse.’ Which, when she delivered it, he restored to the man; and turning to the wench, who was too forceful to be forced, ‘Sister of mine,’ quoth he, ‘if you had exerted the same vigour and perseverance, or even half so much, in preserving your chastity, as you have shewn in defending the purse, the force of Hercules would not have forced you. Be gone, a-God’s name! be gone, I say, with a vengeance, and never more appear in this island, or within six leagues of it, on pain of receiving two hundred stripes. Be gone immediately, you chattering, shameless impostor!’ The woman, terrified at his menaces, sneaked off, hanging her head, and discontented; and the governor spoke to the man in these words: ‘Honest friend, get you home with your money, in the name of God; and unless you are inclined to lose it again, from henceforward avoid all temptations to yoke with any woman whatsoever.’

The herdsman thanked him as sheepishly as he could, and went away, and the audience were struck with admiration afresh, at the judgment and decisions of their new governor; every circumstance of which being recorded by his historiographer, was immediately communicated to the duke, who waited for the account with the utmost impatience.

But here let honest Sancho rest a little; for we are summoned in all haste by his master, who is greatly disturbed by the musick of Altisidora.

Footnote 187:

Barato, signifies cheap.

CHAP. XIV. OF THE DREADFUL CONSTERNATION, AND CATTISH CONCERT, TO WHICH DON QUIXOTE WAS EXPOSED, IN THE COURSE OF THE ENAMOURED ALTISIDORA’S AMOUR.

We left the great Don Quixote wrapped up in those cogitations that were suggested by the musick of the enamoured damsel Altisidora. With these companions he crept into bed; but, as if they had been fleas and vermin, they would not suffer him to sleep, or indeed enjoy a moment’s repose, especially when reinforced with the reflection of his wounded stocking. But as time is so light and nimble, that no rub can retard his career, he galloped along upon the hours, and soon ushered in the morning, which was no sooner beheld by the knight, than he forsook the gentle down, and being the reverse of lazy, dressed himself in his chamoy suit. He put on his travelling boots to conceal the misfortune of his hose; threw his scarlet cloak over his shoulder, cased his head in a green velvet cap trimmed with silver, slung his trusty hanging sword in his buff-belt, took up his large rosary, which always depended from his wrist, and with great port and solemnity went forth into the hall, where the duke and duchess, already dressed, stayed for him. As he passed through a gallery, he perceived Altisidora, and the other maiden her friend, who stood waiting for his appearance; and he was no sooner beheld by the love-sick damsel, than she pretended to faint away; while her companion received her in her arms, and with all possible dispatch began to unclasp her bosom. The knight seeing her fall, approached the place where they were, saying, ‘I know whence these accidents proceed.’ And the companion replied, ‘I do not know whence; for Altisidora is the healthiest damsel of the whole family, and I never knew her so much as fetch a sigh from the first minute of our acquaintance. Ill betide all the knights-errant in the world, if they are all so shy and scornful. Signior Don Quixote, I wish your worship would leave the place; for this poor girl will not come to herself while you stand here.’ To this entreaty the knight replied, ‘Be so good, Madam, as to order a lute to be left in my apartment; and, at night, I will, to the best of my power, console this unfortunate damsel: for a speedy explanation in the beginning, is often an effectual cure for those who are indiscreetly in love.’ So saying, he went away, that he might not be observed in conference with the damsels; and scarce was he gone, when the swooning Altisidora coming to herself, said to her companion, ‘It will be requisite to leave the lute; for, doubtless, Don Quixote intends to entertain us with musick, which cannot be bad if he is the performer.’ Then they went and gave an account of what had passed, and in particular of the lute, to the duchess, who was rejoiced beyond measure, and concerted with her lord and her women, how to execute another joke which should be more merry than mischievous. This being accordingly contrived, they with great glee waited for night; and it came posting along in the same pace that brought in the day, which their graces spent in savoury discourse with Don Quixote. On this day the duchess really and truly dispatched one of her pages, who acted the part of the enchanted Dulcinea in the wood, to Tereza Panza, with her husband’s letter, and a bundle, which he had left on purpose to be sent home; and the messenger had particular orders to bring back a circumstantial detail of every thing that should pass between him and the governor’s lady.

This step being taken, and the hour of eleven at night arrived, Don Quixote found a lute in his apartment; this he tuned, and having opened the window, perceived people walking below in the garden: he immediately ran over the strings of his instrument, making as good a prelude as he could, then hemming and clearing his pipes, he with an hoarse, though not untuneful voice, sung the following sonnet, which he had that very day composed.

SONG.

‘Love, with idleness combin’d, Will unhinge the tender mind: But to sew, to work, and move, Will exclude the force of love. Blooming maids that would be married, Must in virtue be unwearied: Modesty a dow’r will raise, And be trumpet of their praise. A cavalier will sport and play With a damsel frank and gay; But, when wedlock is his aim, Chuse a maid of sober fame. Passion kindled in the breast, By a stranger or a guest, Enters with the rising sun, And fleets before his race be run. Love that come so suddenly, Ever on the wing to fly, Neither can or will impart Strong impressions to the heart. Pictures drawn on pictures, shew Strange confusion to the view: Second beauty find no base, Where a first has taken place. Then Dulcinea still shall reign Without a rival or a stain; Nor shall fate itself controul Her sway, or blot her from my soul: Constancy, the lover’s boast, I’ll maintain, whate’er it cost. This my virtue will refine; This will stamp my joy divine.’

So far had Don Quixote proceeded with his song, which was overheard by the duke and duchess, Altisidora, and almost all the people in the castle, when all of a sudden, from the top of a corridore immediately above Don Quixote’s window, came down a cord to which above a hundred horse-bells were tied; and after these was discharged a whole sackful of cats with smaller bells fastened to their tails. Such was the noise occasioned by the tinkling of these bells, and the mewling of the cats, that even the duke and duchess, who invented the joke, were terrified and confounded, and Don Quixote astonished and dismayed; especially when two or three cats chanced to enter his window, and coursed up and down through his apartment, which seemed to be haunted by a whole legion of devils; for they extinguished the lights, and ran to and fro, endeavouring to escape, while the rope with the large bells was lowering down, and pulling up incessantly; so that the greatest part of the people in the family, who were ignorant of the scheme, listened with fear and admiration. Then Don Quixote starting up, and unsheathing his sword, began to fence with the window, exclaiming aloud, ‘Avaunt, malignant enchanters! avaunt, ye wizzard crew! for I am Don Quixote de La Mancha, against whom your whole power and malice shall not avail.’ So saying, he laid about him among the cats, which had entered his apartments; and they sprung towards the casement, from whence two of them made their escape; but the third, finding itself hard pressed by the valour and back-strokes of the knight, flew at his face, and laid fast hold on his nose with its teeth and claws. The pain of this assault affected Don Quixote in such a manner, that he began to roar with vast vociferation, which being heard by the duke and duchess, who guessed the cause of his cries, they ran instantly to his chamber, which they opened with a master-key; and lights being brought, they found the poor knight endeavouring with all his strength to disengage the cat from his visage. Seeing the unequal fray, they made haste to part the combatants; when Don Quixote called aloud, ‘Let no man part us; but leave me hand to hand with this dæmon, this wizard, this enchanter; and I will make him sensible of the difference between him and me, who am Don Quixote de La Mancha.’ The cat, however, without minding his threats, stuck fast to his nose; but, at length, the duke tore it away, and threw it out at the window; so that the knight remained with his face like a sieve, and his nose in no very sound condition; though he was very much dissatisfied, that they would not suffer him to finish the engagement he had so obstinately maintained with that felonious enchanter.

Oil of Aparicio was immediately fetched, and Altisidora herself, with her snowy hands, applied the balsam, saying in a low voice, as she bound up his wounds, ‘All these misadventures befal thee, hard-hearted knight, as a punishment for thy cruelty and disdain; and God grant thy squire Sancho may forget to scourge himself, that they so much beloved Dulcinea may never be disenchanted, nor thou enjoy her as a wedded wife; at least, during the life of me, by whom thou art adored.’ To all this apostrophe Don Quixote answered not a word; but, heaving a profound sigh, laid himself along in his bed, and thanked their graces for this instance of their concern; not that he was afraid of such a cattish-enchanting and bell-ringing crew, but on account of the kind intention they had manifested in coming to his relief. As for the duke and duchess, they left him to his repose, and went away extremely sorry for the unfortunate issue of his joke; for they did not think Don Quixote would have suffered so terribly by the adventure, which cost him five days confinement in his bed, where he was engaged in another still more diverting, which, however, the historian will not at present recount, that he may return to Sancho Panza, who proceeded in his administration with equal pleasantry and solicitude.

CHAP. XV. CONTAINING A FARTHER ACCOUNT OF SANCHO’S BEHAVIOUR IN HIS GOVERNMENT.

The history relates, that from the town-hall Sancho Panza was conducted to a sumptuous palace, in the great hall of which was a royal table, most elegantly furnished. When the governor entered, the waits struck up, and four pages came forth and presented him with water for his hands, which he received with great solemnity; then the musick ceasing, he took his place at the upper end of the table, which was accommodated with one seat only, and a cover for himself alone: while close by him stood a personage, who afterwards proved to be a physician, with a rod of whalebone in his hand. They removed a very fine white cloth that covered the fruit and a great variety of dishes. One who looked like a student, said grace; a page tucked a laced bib under Sancho’s chin, and another person, who acted the part of sewer, set a plate of fruit before the governor; but scarce had he swallowed a mouthful, when the doctor touching the said plate with his wand, it was snatched from him in a twinkling: the sewer presented him with another dish, which the governor resolved to prove; but, before he could finger or taste it, the plate being also touched by the wand, one of the pages conveyed it away with incredible dispatch, to the amazement of Sancho, who, looking round him, asked if he must be obliged to eat like a juggler, by slight of hand!

To this interrogation he of the wand replied: ‘My lord governor must, in eating, conform to the use and customs of other islands where governors reside. I, my lord, enjoy a salary as physician to the governors of this island, and take more care of their health than of my own; studying night and day, and considering the governor’s constitution, that I may be able to cure him, in case he should be taken ill; but the principal part of my office is to be present at his meals, where I allow him to eat what I think will agree with his complexion, and restrain him from that which I conceive will be hurtful and prejudicial to his stomach. I therefore ordered the fruit to be removed, because it is dangerously moist; and likewise commanded the other dish to be conveyed away, because it is extremely hot, as containing a number of spices which create thirst, and copious drinking drowns and destroys the radical moisture, which is the essence of life.’—‘By that way of reasoning,’ said Sancho, ‘that there dish of roasted partridges, which seems to be very well seasoned; will do me no harm.’ To this hint the physician replied: ‘Of these my lord governor shall not eat while there is breath in my body.’—‘And pray for what reason?’ said the governor. ‘Because our master Hippocrates, the north star and luminary of physic, expressly says, in one of his aphorisms, “Omnis saturatio mala, perdix autem pessima;” that is, All repletion is bad, but that with partridge worst of all.’—‘If that be the case,’ said Sancho, ‘good Mr. Doctor, pray examine all the messes on the table, so as to point out that which will do me least harm and most good, that I may eat without fear of conjuration; for, by the life of the governor, and as God shall prolong it! I am ready to die of hunger; and to deny me victuals, even though Signior Doctor should prescribe fasting, and say a thousand things in its praise, will, instead of preserving my health, deprive me of life entirely.’—‘Your lordship is very much in the right,’ replied the physician: ‘and to begin, I would not have you touch these ragoo’d rabbits, because they are a sharp haired food: of that veal, indeed, you might pick, a little, if it was not roasted a la daube; but as it is, touch it not.’—‘The dish that smokes yonder,’ said Sancho, ‘seems to be an olla podrida, and considering the variety of ingredients of which these ollas are composed, surely I cannot fail to light on something that will be both savoury and wholesome.’—‘Absit!’ cried the physician, ‘far from us be such a thought. There is not a more pernicious nutriment upon the face of the earth: leave your ollas to canons, rectors of colleges, and country weddings; but let them never appear upon the tables of governors, where elegance and neatness ought to reign. The reason is clear; at all times, in all places, and by all the learned, simple medicines are more esteemed than those that are compound: for in the first, no mistakes can be committed; whereas, in the other, numberless errors may take place, in the quantity and proportion of the ingredients; but what I would advise my lord governor to eat at present, in order to preserve and corroborate his health, is about a hundred confected wafers, and a few thin slices of quinces, which will sit easy on his stomach, and assist digestion.’

Sancho, hearing this prescription, threw himself backwards in his chair, and surveying the physician from head to foot, asked in a grave and solemn tone, ‘What was his name, and where he had studied?’ To this question, the other replied, ‘I, my lord governor, am called Doctor Pedro Positive de Bodewell[188], native of a place called Snatchaway, on the right hand between Caraquel and Almodobar del Campo; and I took my doctor’s degree at the university of Ossuna.’ To this declaration Sancho replied, in a rage, ‘Hark ye, then, Mr. Doctor Pedro Positive de Bode-ill, native of Snatchaway, which is on the right hand as we go from Caraquel to Almodobar del Campo, graduate of Ossuna, get out of my presence this instant, or by the body of the sun! I will snatch up a cudgel, and beginning with you, employ it in such a manner as not to leave a physician on the whole island; of those, I mean, who are ignorant fellows. As for the learned, virtuous, and discreet members of the faculty, I will place them on my head, in token of respect, and honour them as things divine. But, I say again, be gone, Doctor Pedro Positive, or positively I will take up this chair on which I sit, and make immediate application to your skull; and, should I be called to account for it, when I resign my government, I will exculpate myself by proving that I have done service to God, in slaying a wicked physician, who was a scandal to the commonwealth. Let me have something to eat, therefore, or take back your government; for a post that will not afford victuals, is not worth a pease-cod.’

The doctor was frightened at seeing the governor in such a passion, and was going to snatch himself away from his presence; when, at the very instant, their ears were saluted with the noise of a post-boy’s horn in the street; and the gentleman sewer going to the window, informed the governor that there was a courier arrived from my lord duke, with some dispatches of importance. Accordingly the messenger entered the hall, sweating, with marks of consternation in his countenance; and taking a packet out of his bosom, delivered it into the hands of the governor, who gave it to the steward, with orders to read the superscription, which ran thus: ‘To Don Sancho Panza, governor of the island Barataria, to be delivered into his own hand, or that of his secretary.’ Sancho hearing the direction, ‘Who is my secretary?’ said he. One of the people who were present, answered, ‘I am secretary, my lord; for I can read and write, and am a Biscayan.’—‘Nay, with that addition,’ said Sancho, ‘you might be secretary to the emperor himself: open this packet, and see what it contains.’ The new-born secretary obeyed the command; and having perused the contents, told his excellency, it was business for his private ear. Then Sancho ordered every body to quit the place, except the steward and gentleman sewer: accordingly the rest retired, with the doctor at their head: and the secretary recited the letter to this effect—

‘I have received information, Signior Don Sancho Panza, that certain enemies of mine and of the island, intend one of these nights, to give you a furious assault; you will therefore be vigilant and alert, that they may not find you unprepared. I am likewise informed, by trusty spies, that four persons in disguise have entered the town, with intention to take away your life, as they dread the extent of your abilities: be upon your guard, therefore, examine every person who comes to speak with you, and taste nothing that comes in a present. I will take care to reinforce you, should you stand in need of assistance; meanwhile, you will act in every thing according to the good opinion I have of your understanding. Your friend,

‘THE DUKE.

‘From my castle, August 16th,

at 4 in the morning.’

This epistle overwhelmed Sancho with astonishment, which the rest pretended to share; and turning to the steward, ‘What is to be done,’ said he, ‘and that immediately, is to confine Doctor Positive in a dungeon; for if any body has a design to take away my life, he is the man; aye, and by the most pitiful, and worst of all deaths; namely, hunger.’—‘True’ replied the gentleman sewer; ‘and, in my opinion, your lordship ought not to eat any of the victuals now on the table, for they were a present from certain nuns; and, as the saying is, The devil skulks behind the cross.’—‘That is a truth not to be denied,’ said Sancho; ‘but, in the mean time, let me have a luncheon of bread, and about for pounds of raisins, which cannot be poisoned: for really and truly, I cannot live without eating; and if we must be prepared for those battles with which we are threatened, at least let us be well fed; for the stomach supports the heart, and not the heart the stomach. You, secretary must write an answer to my Lord Duke; and tell him his commands shall be obeyed to a tittle. You shall likewise make my compliments to my Lady Duchess, beseeching her, in my name, to remember to send an express, with my letter and bundle, to my wife Teresa Panza; in so doing she will lay me under great obligation, and I shall take care to be her humble servant to the utmost of my power. By the bye, you may thrust in a How d’ye to my master Don Quixote de La Mancha, that he may see I am not of an ungrateful leaven; you may, as a faithful secretary, and honest Biscayan, add what you shall think proper, and most likely to turn out to advantage. At present, take away these things, and let me have something to eat; and I shall manage any spies, murderers, or inchanters, that may presume to attack me or my island.’

Here he was interrupted by a page, who, coming into the hall, told him there was a countryman without, who wanted to speak with his lordship upon some business of the utmost importance. ‘Those people of business are strange fellows,’ said Sancho; ‘is it possible they are so ignorant, as not to see that this is not a proper hour for the transaction of business? Mayhap they think, we governors and judges are not made of flesh and blood, and therefore require no time for refreshment, any more than if we were created of marble. As I shall answer to God! if my government holds, (though I begin to perceive it will not be of long duration) I will sit upon the skirts of more than one of these men of business[189]. At present, tell that honest man to come; but, first of all, take care that he is not one of the spies or murderers.’—‘There is no occasion, my lord,’ answered the page; ‘for he seems to be a simple soul, and either I am very much mistaken, or he is as honest as a well-weighed loaf.’—‘While we are present,’ said the steward, ‘there is nothing to fear.’—‘Mr. Sewer,’ said Sancho, ‘now that Doctor Pedro Positive is not here, might not I eat something substantial, even though it should be nothing better than a luncheon of bread and an onion?’—‘This night your supper shall make amends for the defect of dinner, so as that your lordship shall be perfectly well pleased, and satisfied,’ replied the sewer. ‘God grant I may be so!’ quoth the governor.

At that instant the countryman entered the hall, of a goodly presence, and indeed one might have seen that he was an honest soul, even at the distance of a thousand leagues. The first thing he said, was, ‘Which of all this company is my lord governor?’—‘Who should be governor,’ replied the secretary, ‘but he who sits in the chair?’—‘Then, I humble myself before him,’ said the peasant; who, falling on his knees, begged leave to kiss his lordship’s hand. This request, however, Sancho would not grant; but ordered him to rise and explain his business. Accordingly, the countryman getting up, ‘My lord,’ said he, ‘I am a husbandman belonging to Miguel Turra, a place about two leagues from Cividad Real.’—‘What! have we got another Snatchaway?’ cried Sancho: ‘proceed, brother; for I can tell you, that I am very well acquainted with Miguel Turra, which is not far from our own village.’—‘This here, then, is the case, my lord,’ said the countryman; ‘by the mercy of God, I was married in peace, and in the face of the holy Roman Catholick church; and I have two sons now at college, the youngest of whom is to be a batchelor, and the elder is intended for a licentiate. I am a widower; for my wife died, or rather she was killed by a wicked physician, who gave her a purge when she was big with child; and, had it pleased God that the fruit of her womb had come to light, and had been a boy, I would have bred him up a doctor, that he might not have envied his brothers, the batchelor and licentiate.’—‘So then,’ said Sancho, ‘if your wife had not died, or been killed, in all likelihood you should not now be a widower.’—‘No, my lord, by no manner of means,’ answered the countryman. ‘Agad!’ cried Sancho, ‘we are in a thriving way! Pray, go on, brother; for this is an hour more proper for sleep than for business.’—‘Well, then,’ replied the countryman, ‘this son of mine, who is to be bred a batchelor, became enamoured of a young lady of the same town, called Clara Paralina[190], daughter of Andrew Paralino, a very wealthy yeoman; and this name of Paralino does not come from their pedigree, or any family descent; but they have acquired it, because the whole race of them is paralitick; and so, in order to improve the sound, they are called Paralino; though to say the truth, the young lady is a perfect oriental pearl, and when you look at her, on her right side, seems to be a very flower of the field; on the left, indeed, she is not quite so amiable, being blind of an eye, which she lost in the small-pox; and although the pits in her face are very large and numerous, her admirers say, that these are not pits, but graves, in which the hearts of her lovers are buried. Then she is so cleanly, that to prevent her face from being defiled, she carries her nose cocked up, as the saying is, so that it seems to be running away from her mouth; yet, for all that, she is extremely beautiful, for she has a very wide mouth, and if she did not want some ten or a dozen teeth, might pass for a very phœnix of beauty. Of her lips I shall say nothing; but they are so thin and delicate, that if it was the custom to reel lips, they might be made up into a skein; but as they are of a different colour from common lips, they appear quite miraculous; for they contain a mixture of blue, green, and orange tawny. My lord governor will pardon me for painting so exactly the parts of her who is to be my daughter, for I love her exceedingly, and like to dwell upon the subject.’—‘Paint what you will,’ said Sancho; ‘for my own part I am hugely delighted with your description, and if I had dined, should not desire a better desert than the picture you have drawn.’—‘That shall be always at your service,’ replied the countryman; ‘and though we are not at present known to each other, the time will come when we shall be better acquainted. And now, my lord, if I could describe her genteel deportment, and tall stature, you would be struck with admiration; but that is an impossible task, because she is so doubled and bent, that her knees touch her mouth; and yet, for all that, one may see with half an eye, that if she could stand upright, her head would touch the cieling; and she would have given her hand in marriage to my batchelor before this time, if she could have stretched it out, but it happens to be shrunk and withered; though, by the long channelled nails, one may easily perceive the beauty of its form and texture.’

‘Very well,’ said Sancho. ‘Now, brother, let us suppose you have painted her from head to foot; tell me what is your request, and come to the point, without going about the bush, through lanes and alleys with a parcel of scraps and circumlocutions.’—‘Well then, my lord,’ replied the countryman, ‘my request is, that you would give me a letter of recommendation to the young lady’s father, entreating him to give his consent to the match, as the parties are pretty equal in the gifts of fortune, and of nature; for, to say the truth, my Lord Governor, my son is possessed, and scarce a day passes, but he is three or four times tormented by the foul fiend; and, in consequence of having once fallen into the fire, his face is shrivelled up like a skin of parchment, and his eyes are bleared, and run woundily; but yet he has the temper of an angel, and if he did not beat and buffet himself, he would be a perfect saint.’—‘Do you want any thing else, honest friend?’ replied Sancho. ‘I did want something else,’ said the countryman, ‘but I dare not be so bold as to mention it: but, out it shall go; for, take or not take, it shall never rot in my belly. Why then, my lord, I wish your lordship would bestow three or six hundred ducats, to help to set up my batchelor; I mean, to furnish his house; for, the truth is, the young couple are to live by themselves, without being subject to the peevishness of us old folks.’—‘Consider if you want any thing else,’ said Sancho, ‘and speak without bashfulness or restraint.’—‘Truly, I want nothing else,’ replied the countryman. Scarce had he pronounced these words, when, the governor starting up, and laying hold on the chair that was under him, exclaimed, ‘I vow to God, you Don lubberly, rascally rustick, if you don’t get you gone, and abscond from my presence this instant, I will with this chair demolish your scull, you knavish son of a whore, and painter for the devil himself; is this a time to come and demand six hundred ducats? Where the devil should I find them, you stinkard? or, if I had found them, why the devil should I give them to you, you idiotical scoundrel? What a pox have I to do with Miguel Turra, or any of the generation of the Paralino’s? Be gone, I say, or, by the life of my Lord Duke, I’ll be as good as my word; thou art no native of Miguel Turra, but some fiend sent from hell to torment me. Hark ye, miscreant, I have been governor but a day and a half, and you would have me already in possession of six hundred ducats!’

The gentleman sewer made signs to the countryman to leave the place; and he accordingly quitted the hall, hanging his head, and seemingly afraid that the governor would execute his threats; for the rogue acted his part to admiration. But let us leave Sancho’s indignation to cool, and peace attend him in his career, while we return to Don Quixote, whom we left with his face bandaged up for the cure of his cattish wounds, which were not healed in the space of eight days; and in that time an adventure happened to him, which Cid Hamet promises to recount, with that truth and punctuality he has hitherto maintained, in recording even the most trivial and minute incidents of this authentick history.

Footnote 188:

The Spanish name is Pedro Rezio de Aguero; which, together with Tirte Afuera, the place of his nativity, I have translated into English, that the humour may be better understood.

Footnote 189:

The original Ponga en pretina, signifies, I will put in my girdle.

Footnote 190:

She is in the original called Perlerina, which I have changed into Paralina, in order to preserve the subsequent play on the words.

CHAP. XVI. OF DON QUIXOTE’S ADVENTURE WITH DONNA RODRIGUEZ, THE DUCHESS’S DUENNA—AND OTHER INCIDENTS WORTHY OF ETERNAL FAME.

Exceedingly peevish and melancholy was the sore wounded Don Quixote, with his face bandaged and marked; not by the hand of his Maker, but by the claws of a cat; and, indeed, such misfortunes are annexed to chivalry. Six days did he remain in his chamber, without appearing in publick; and during this time it was, that one night, while he lay watchful and awake, musing upon his disaster, and the persecution of Altisidora, he heard a key turning in the door of his apartment, and straight imagined the enamoured damsel was come to surprize his chastity, and tempt him to forego the fidelity he owned to his mistress Dulcinea del Toboso. On this supposition, he pronounced with an audible voice, ‘No! the greatest beauty upon earth shall never have such an effect as to interfere with my adoration of her, who is impressed and engraved in the midst of my heart, and in the depth of my bowels! No, my dear mistress! whether thou art transformed into a garlick-eating wench, or as a nymph of the golden Tagus, art weaving webs of gold and silver twist: whether thou art in the power of Merlin or Montesinos; wheresoever thou mayest be, mine thou art, and wheresoever I am, I must be thine.’ This ejaculation being uttered, just as the door opened, he stood upright in his bed, wrapped up in a quilt of yellow silk, with a woollen night-cap on his head, his face and whiskers being bound up; the first, on account of the scratches he had received, and the last, in order to preserve the buckle; and in this equipage, he appeared the most extraordinary phantom that the imagination can conceive. His eyes were fixed upon the door, and when he expected to see the yielding and afflicted Altisidora enter, he beheld a most reverend duenna, with a white hemmed veil, so long as to cover her from head to foot. Between the fingers of her left hand she held a lighted candle’s end, and with her right she formed a shade to keep the glare from her eyes, which were furnished with large spectacles; and, in this trim, she came treading very softly, and moving her feet with great tranquillity as she advanced. Don Quixote surveyed her from his post, and marking her silence and appearance, concluded she was some hag or sorceress, come in that equipage to annoy him; and, in this opinion, he began to cross himself with great eagerness and devotion. The apparition advancing to the middle of the chamber, and lifting up its eyes, perceived the knight busily employed in these devout precautions: if he was afraid at sight of her, she was no less terrified at his figure; for seeing him so tall and yellow, wrapped up in the quilt, and disfigured by the bandages, she cried aloud, ‘O Jesus! what do I see?’ and in the surprize dropped the candle. Finding herself now in the dark, she attempted to make her retreat, and treading upon her own skirts in the confusion of her fear, she stumbled and fell to the ground: while Don Quixote, sweating with terror, began to ejaculate, ‘I conjure thee, O phantom! or whatever thou mayest be, to tell me who thou art, and what thou would’st have. If thou art a perturbed spirit, let me know, and I will do all that lies in my power to give thee relief; for I am a catholick Christian, well-disposed to befriend all mankind; and, in consequence of this disposition, I received the order of knight-errantry, which I now profess, and the exercise of that profession extends even so far as to give assistance to souls in purgatory.’

The duenna, bruised as she was with her fall; hearing herself exercised in this manner, guessed from her own fear the terrors of Don Quixote, and in a low and plaintive tone replied, ‘Signior Don Quixote, I am no phantom, apparition, or soul in purgatory, as your worship seems to suppose, but Donna Rodriguez, chief duenna to my Lady Duchess, and I come with one of those necessitous cases which your worship is wont to remedy.’—‘Pray, tell me, Signora Donna Rodriguez,’ said Don Quixote, ‘are you come in the office of a go-between? because, I would have you to know, that I am altogether unfit for any such commerce, thanks to the peerless beauty of my own mistress Dulcinea del Toboso. Finally, I say unto you, Signora Donna Rodriguez, if you will suppress, and lay aside all amorous messages, you may go and light your candle, and return; and we will discourse upon any subject you shall think proper to introduce, saving, as I have already observed, all your dainty incitements.’—‘Signior,’ answered the duenna, ‘I carry messages for no person. Your worship is but little acquainted with my character. Nor am I so stricken in years as to take to those fooleries; for, God be praised! there is still some soul in my body, and my teeth, grinders and all, are still in my head, except a very few I have lost by the rheums that are so rife in this country of Arragon; but, if your worship will wait a minute, I will go and light my candle, and return in an instant, and then I shall recount my disaster to you, as the physician of all disasters upon earth.’

So saying, she, without waiting for an answer, quitted the apartment, where the knight waited for her, in the utmost suspence and concern; then being assaulted by a thousand reflections upon this new adventure, he began to think it would be very indiscreet, even so much as to dream of exposing himself to the danger of breaking his fidelity to his own mistress. ‘Who knows,’ said he to himself, ‘but the devil, who is equally crafty and dextrous, intends at present to seduce me by means of a duenna, after having in vain attempted me with empresses, queens, duchesses, marquisses, and countesses? for I have often heard it observed by a number of people of good understanding, that he will never give you an high nose, if a flat nose will serve your turn, and who knows but this solitude, opportunity, and silence, may waken those desires in me, which are now asleep, and compel me at these years to fall, where hitherto I never so much as stumbled? In such emergencies, it is surely better to avoid than await the battle. And yet, I must certainly be deprived of my senses, to talk and think at this rate; for it is absolutely impossible, that a long, meagre, white veiled, and spectacled duenna, should move or excite a lascivious thought in the lewdest bosom upon earth. Is there, for example, a duenna in nature who has a tolerable person? Is there a duenna upon this our globe who is not wrinkled, loathsome, and impertinent? Avaunt, then, ye duennian tribe, unfit for any human entertainment! Praise be to that lady who is said to have had at one end of her sopha two marble duennas, with their spectacles and bobbin cushions in the attitude of working; and these statues fulfilled the dignity of the apartment, as well as if they had been duennas of flesh and blood.’

So saying, he started from his bed, with intention to lock the door, and deny admittance to Signora Rodriguez; but, before he could execute his resolution, that lady had returned with a lighted wax taper, and seeing Don Quixote so near her, with his quilt, bandages, night cap, or hood, she was again affrighted, and retired backwards a couple of paces, saying, ‘Am I safe, Sir knight? for your worship’s getting out of bed is no great sign of virtue, methinks.’—‘Madam,’ replied Don Quixote, ‘I ought to ask you the same question; and I do accordingly ask, whether or not I am safe from assault and ravishment?’—‘Of whom, or from whom, do you demand that security, Sir Knight?’ said the duenna.

‘Of you, and from you, and you alone,’ answered Don Quixote: ‘for I am not made of marble, nor you of brass; nor is it now ten o’clock in the forenoon, but midnight, and something more, if I am not mistaken; and we are here in a more close and secret apartment than in the cave in which the treacherous and daring Æneas enjoyed the beautiful and tender-hearted Dido: yet give me your hand, Madam; for I require no other security than my own reserve and continence, together with the appearance of that most reverend veil.’

So saying, he kissed his right-hand; and took hold of hers, which she presented with the like ceremony.

Here Cid Hamet, in a parenthesis, swears by Mahomet, that to have seen these two originals thus linked, and walking from the door to the bed, he would have given the best of his two jackets.

At length Don Quixote slipped into bed, and Donna Rodriguez seated herself in a chair at some distance from it, without quitting her spectacles or candle; then the knight shrunk under the clothes, with which he covered himself in such a manner that nothing but his face appeared; and both parties having composed themselves, the first who broke silence was Don Quixote, who accosted her in these words: ‘Now, Madam Duenna Rodriguez, you may unrip and unload all that lies upon your sorrowful heart and afflicted bowels; and I shall listen to your grievances with chaste ears, and redress them with generous works.’—‘I believe as much,’ said the duenna: ‘for, from the genteel and agreeable presence of your worship, I could expect no other than such a christian reply.’

‘This, then, is the case, Signior Don Quixote; although your worship now sees me seated in this chair, in the midst of Arragon, and in the dress of a contemptible and injured duenna, I was born in the Asturias of Oviedo, of a family which intermarried with many of the best in that province; but my niggardly fate, and the extravagance of my parents, who came to untimely want, without knowing how or wherefore, drove me to the court of Madrid, where, for the sake of peace, and in order to prevent greater misfortunes, my parents provided me with the place of needle-woman, in the service of a lady of quality; and, I would have your worship to know, that in making knitting-sheaths and plain-work, no person had ever the advantage of me in the whole course of my life. As for my parents, after they had seen me settled in this place, they returned to the country, and in a few years went to heaven; for they were exceeding good catholick Christians. Meanwhile, I was left an orphan, stinted to the wretched salary, and pitiful wages, commonly given to such servants in great families: and so, about that time, a squire of the house fell in love with me, though I am sure I gave him no occasion. He was a man already well stricken in years, with a venerable beard, and of a comely appearance, and besides, as good a gentleman as the king, for he was a mountaineer. We did not correspond so secretly but our intrigue came to the knowledge of my lady; who, waving all questions and commands, caused us to be married in peace and in the face of our holy mother the Roman catholick church. The fruit of this marriage was a daughter, who was the death of my good fortune, if any such I had: not that I died in child-bed; on the contrary, I was safely and seasonably delivered; but because, soon after that event, my poor husband died of a fright; and if I had now time to recount the manner, I know your worship would be struck with admiration.’

Here she began to weep most bitterly, and thus proceeded: ‘Your worship, Signior Don Quixote, will pardon me for not being able to contain myself, for as often as I remember my unfortunate husband, mine eyes run over. God be my comfort! with what dignity did he ride before my lady, on a mighty mule as black as jet; for, at that time, they did not use coaches or chairs, which, they say, are now in fashion; and the ladies always rode behind their squires. This one circumstance, however, I cannot help recounting, because it demonstrates the good breeding and punctilio of my worthy spouse. One day, as he entered the street of St. Jago, in Madrid, which is but narrow, he happened to meet a judge, preceded by two of his officers; and my good squire no sooner beheld him, than he turned his mule in order to attend his worship. My lady, who sat behind him, said in a whisper, “Blockhead, what are you going to do? Don’t you know that I am here?” while the judge, out of politeness, stopped his horse, saying, “Pray proceed, Signior; for, it is rather my duty to attend my Lady Donna Casilda,” that was the name of my mistress. Nevertheless, my husband still persisted, with his cap in hand, in his resolution to attend the judge; and my lady, enraged at his obstinacy, pulled out a large pin, or rather, I believe, a bodkin, from her tweezer-case, and thrust it into his loins; so that my poor man roared aloud, and writhed his body in such a manner, that both he and my lady came to the ground. Her two lacquies ran immediately to lift her up, and were assisted by the judge and his officers. The whole gate of Guadalajara, (I mean, the idle people about it) were in an uproar: my lady came home a-foot; and my husband hastened to a surgeon, declaring he was thrust through the bowels. His great courtesy soon became publick, insomuch that the very children mocked him in the street; for which reason, and because he was a little short-sighted, my lady dismissed him from her service; and he took his dismission so much to heart, that I am positively certain it was the cause of his death. Thus was I left a forlorn widow, with a daughter upon my hands, who, as she grew up, increased in beauty, like the foam of the sea. In a word, as I had the character of being an excellent needle-woman, my Lady Duchess, who was just then married to my Lord Duke, carried me and my daughter, without more ado, along with her to this kingdom of Arragon; where, in process of time, my child improved in all manner of accomplishments; she sings like any sky lark, dances light as thought, cuts a caper as if she was mad, reads and writes like a school-master, and casts accounts like a miser. I say nothing of her cleanliness, for the running water is not more pure; and if my memory does not fail me, she is now sixteen years, five months, and three days, perhaps one over or under. In a word, this maiden of mine captivated the son of a rich farmer, who lives in a village not far from hence, belonging to my Lord Duke; and so, the young couple meeting, I know not where nor how, he, under promise of marriage, played the rogue with my daughter, and refuses to perform his promise; and although my Lord Duke is well acquainted with the affair; for you must know, I complained to him—not once, but divers and sundry times, desiring he would order the young farmer to take my daughter to wife; he lends a deaf ear to my complaint, and indeed will scarce give me a hearing, because, forsooth, the young rogue’s father is extremely rich, and lends him money; nay, becomes surety for him when he happens to be in trouble; so that he will by no manner of means give him the least umbrage or disgust. Now, dear Sir, my request is, that your worship would undertake to redress this grievance, either by entreaty or force of arms; for, as all the world says, your worship was born for such purposes, to rectify wrongs, and protect the wretched. And I beg your worship will consider the orphan state of my daughter, her gentility, her youth, and all those good qualities which I have told you she possesses: for in the light of Heaven, and in my own conscience, I dare aver, that of all the damsels belonging to my Lady Duchess, there is not one that comes up to the sole of her shoe: and though she whom they call Altisidora, is reckoned the most sprightly and good-humoured, when compared to my daughter, she does not come within two leagues of her; for, your worship must know, Signior, all is not gold that glitters. This same creature, Altisidora, has more forwardness than beauty, and more airiness than modesty; besides, she is not over and above wholesome; her breath has such a flavour that nobody can be near her; no, not for a moment; and even my Lady Duchess—but, mum for that! Walls have ears, as the saying is.’

‘What of my Lady Duchess?’ cried Don Quixote. ‘Signora Donna Rodriguez, I conjure you tell me, by the life of my soul.’—‘Nay, if you conjure me in that manner,’ answered the duenna, ‘I cannot help telling the truth. Signior Don Quixote your worship has, no doubt, perceived the beauty of my Lady Duchess; that freshness of complexion that shines like polished steel, those cheeks of milk and crimson, with the sun on one side, and the moon on the other, and that gaiety with which she treads, or rather disdains the ground, seeming to diffuse health and joy wheresoever she walks. Well, then, your worship must know, that she may thank God, in the first place; and, secondly, two issues in her legs, that discharge the bad humours with which the doctors say she abounds.’—‘Blessed Virgin!’ cried the knight, ‘is it possible that my Lady Duchess should have occasion for such sluices? I would hardly believe the bare-footed friars, should they make the assertion; yet, since Donna Rodriguez avers it, there is no reason to doubt, but from those issues, surely nothing but liquid amber can flow; and, in good sooth, I am now fully convinced that the use of issues must be a matter of great importance to the preservation of health.’

Scarce had Don Quixote pronounced these words, when the chamber door flew open, with a sudden slap, which surprized and disordered the duenna to such a degree, that she dropped the candle, and in a moment the apartment was dark as a dog’s mouth, as the saying is. Immediately, the poor duenna felt her throat assaulted by two hands, which pressed it so close that she could not speak: while another person, with incredible dispatch, and in great silence, turned up her petticoats, and with something like a flipper, began to make such application to her posterior parts, that she was in a most piteous taking. Although Don Quixote compassionated her case, he stirred not from his bed, as he did not know the nature of the assault, but lay snug and silent, in great fear that the same discipline would come round and sound to his own carcase. Nor was his apprehension altogether groundless; for the silent executioners having severely flogged the duenna, who durst not complain, advanced to Don Quixote; and stripping off the sheets and the quilt, pinched him so fast and so smartly, that he could not forbear defending himself by dint of fist; and the whole affair was transacted in wonderful silence. The battle having lasted about half an hour, the phantoms vanished, Donna Rodriguez adjusted her petticoats, and groaning over her misfortune, sneaked away, without speaking a syllable to the knight, who remained alone, full of pains and pinches, sorrow and confusion. And here we will leave him, burning with desire to knew who the perverse inchanter was, who had used him in such a cruel manner; but that secret shall be revealed in due season. Meanwhile we are summoned by Sancho Panza; and the excellent plan of our history obliges us to obey his call.

CHAP. XVII. OF WHAT HAPPENED TO SANCHO PANZA, IN GOING THE ROUND OF HIS ISLAND.

We left the great governor out of humour, and enraged at the same painting country wag, who had received his cue from the duke’s steward and gentleman-sewer, sent thither on purpose to make merry at his expence: nevertheless, he held out toughly against the whole combination, Rude, and brood, and simple as he stood; and addressing himself to all present, and among the rest to Doctor Pedro Positive, who, after the duke’s letter was read, had returned to the hall, ‘Now,’ said he, ‘I am fully convinced that judges and governors are, or ought to be, made of brass, so as that they may not feel the importunity of people of business, who expect to be heard, and dispatched, at all hours and at all seasons, come what will, attending only to their own affairs; and if the poor devil of a judge does not hear and dispatch them, either because it is not in his power, or it happens to be an unseasonable time for giving audience, then they grumble and backbite, gnaw him to the very bones, and even bespatter his whole generation. Ignorant man of business! foolish man of business! be not in such a violent hurry; wait for the proper season and conjuncture, and come not at meals and sleeping time; for judges are made of flesh and blood, and must give to nature that which nature requires, excepting myself, unhappy wretch that I am! who cannot indulge my appetite, thanks to Doctor Pedro Positive Snatchaway here present, who intends that I shall die of hunger, and affirms that such a death is good living, which I pray God may fall to the share of him and all of his kidney! I mean, bad physicians; as for the good, they deserve palms and laurel.’

Every body who knew Sancho was struck with admiration at hearing him talk so elegantly, and could not account for his improvement any other way, than by supposing that posts and places of importance enlarge the faculties of some, while they stupefy the understanding of others. Finally, Doctor Pedro Positive Bodewell de Snatchaway promised to indulge his excellency with a plentiful supper at night, even though he should transgress all the aphorisms of Hippocrates. The governor rested satisfied with this declaration, waiting for the approach of night and supper with great impatience; and although time seemed to stand stock-still, the wished for hour at length arrived, when they treated him with an hachis of beef well onioned, and some calves feet not very fresh: nevertheless, he attacked these dishes with more relish than if he had been served with Milan godwits, Roman pheasants, Sorrento veal, partridges of Moron, or geese of Lavajos: and, in the midst of supper, turning towards his physician, ‘Take notice, doctor,’ said he, ‘that from henceforth you need not take the trouble to provide dainties and delicate dishes for me; they will only serve to unhinge my stomach, which is used to goats flesh, cow beef, and bacon, with turnips and onions; and, if by accident it chances to receive any of your titbits, it contains them with loathing, and sometimes throws them up: but, Master Sewer may bring me those dishes called olla podridas[191]; and the staler they are, so much the better. In one of these he may croud and cram all the eatables he can think of, and I will thank him for his pains; nay, one day or other, I shall make him amends; and let no man play the rogue with me: either we are or we are not; let us live and eat in harmony and peace; for, when God sends the morning, the light shines upon all. I will govern this island without favour or corruption: and let every body keep a good look-out, and mind his own affairs; for, I would have you to know, the devil’s in the dice[192]; and if you give me cause, you shall see wonders—yes, yes; make yourself honey, and the flies will bite.’

‘Assuredly, my lord governor,’ said the steward, ‘your lordship hath said nothing but the truth; and I promise, in the name of all the islanders of this island, to serve your lordship with perfect love, benevolence, and punctuality: for, the agreeable sample of government which your lordship hath given in the beginning, leaves us no room to do, or even to conceive, any thing that shall redound to the disgust and detriment of your honour.’—‘I believe what you say,’ replied Sancho; ‘and indeed they must be fools to think or act any otherwise. And I say again, let the maintenance of me and my Dapple be taken care of; for that is the main point in this business: and when the time comes, let us go and make the round; my intention is to clear the island from all sort of filth, such as vagabonds, idlers, and immoral people; for I would have you to know, my friends, that your idle and lazy fellows are the same in a commonwealth as drones in a bee-hive, that consume the honey which the industrious labourers have made. My resolution is to protect the farmers and handicrafts-men, maintain the prerogative of gentlemen, reward virtue; and, above all things, respect religion and the honour of the clergy. Tell me, my friends, what is your opinion of my plan? Does it smack of something? or do I thresh my skull to no purpose?’—‘My lord governor,’ said the steward, ‘your lordship speaks so much to the purpose, that I am struck with admiration, to hear a man so illiterate as your lordship (for I believe you do not know your letters) make so many observations full of sagacity, and give counsel so much above every thing that was expected from your lordship’s capacity, by those who sent us, as well as by ourselves who are come hither. Every day produces something new: jokes are turned into earnest, and the biters are bit.’

Night being come, and the governor having supped with the good leave of Doctor Pedro, they prepared for going the round. Accordingly his excellency went forth, accompanied by the steward, notary, gentleman-sewer, and historiographer, whose office it was to record his actions; and attended by such a number of alguazils and scriveners, as would have formed a moderate squadron. Sancho walked in the middle with his rod, and a goodly sight he was to see. Having traversed a few streets, they heard the clashing of swords, upon which hastening to the place of action, they found two men fighting, who, seeing the officers of justice, desisted; and one of them exclaimed, ‘Help, in God’s name, and the king’s! What, are people suffered to be robbed in this town, and assaulted in the very middle of the street?’—‘Compose yourself, honest friend,’ said Sancho, ‘and let me know the cause of this quarrel, for I am governor.’ Then his adversary interposing, ‘My lord governor,’ said he, ‘I will tell you the whole story in a few words: Your worship must know, that this gentleman has been at play at that gaming-house over the way, where he has won above a thousand rials, and God knows how fairly; now, I being present, decided more than once in his favour, when the bett was doubtful, against the dictates of my own conscience. He took up his winning, and when I expected he would gratify me with a crown at least, for good will, as players generally make such presents to men of honour like me, who attend in those places, ready at all adventures to support unreasonable demands, and prevent disturbance, he pocketed the cash, and went away; I followed him out of humour, yet in the most courteous manner begged he would indulge me with eight rials, as he knew me to be a gentleman without either business or fortune; for my parents neither bred me up to the one, nor left me the other; and the rascal, who, by the bye, is as great a thief as Cacus, and as arrant a sharper as Andradilla, would not give me a farthing more than four rials; so that, my lord governor, your excellency may perceive what a shameless and unconscionable rogue it is: but in good faith, if your lordship had not come up, I would have made him disgorge his winning, and taught him how to trim the balance.’ When Sancho asked what the other had to say in his own defence, he owned that, as his adversary alledged, he had refused to give him more than four rials, because the plaintiff had often tasted of his bounty; and those who expect such gratifications, ought to be thankful, and take chearfully what their benefactors bestow, without pretending to make peremptory demands upon those who win, unless they know them to be cheats, and that their winning is unfairly acquired. He likewise observed, that there could be no surer mark of his honour and fair play, than his having refused to comply with the demands of such a rascal; for sharpers are always tributary to those lookers-on who know their knavery. ‘The remark is certainly just,’ said the steward: ‘how will your excellency please to dispose of these men?’—‘What must be done, is this,’ replied the governor: ‘You, Mr. Winner, whether you be good, bad, or indifferent, must immediately pay to this here slash-buckler, one hundred rials; and, besides, disburse thirty more for the use and behoof of the poor prisoners—and you, Sir, who have neither business, fortune, or employment in this island, take these hundred rials, and some time to-morrow banish yourself from this island for the space of ten years, on penalty (if you disobey the sentence) of compleating the term of your exile in the other world; for, in that case, I will hang you on a gibbet; at least, the executioner shall do it by my order; and let no man presume to reply, or I will chastise him severely.’ The one disbursed, the other received the rials; this quitted the island, that retired to his own lodgings; and the governor, who remained on the spot, said to his followers, ‘If my power is not very small, I will suppress those gaming-houses, which I begin to perceive are very prejudicial to the publick.’—‘This, at least,’ said the notary, ‘your excellency cannot suppress; for it is kept by a person of quality, who, in the course of the year, loses a great deal more than he gets by the cards. Against petty gaming-houses of small account, which are productive of most mischief, and cover more crimes, your lordship may exert your authority; but, in the houses of noblemen and gentlemen of rank, the noted sharpers dare not put their tricks in practice; and since the vice of gaming is become a common exercise, better play in houses of fashion than in any publick gaming-house, into which an unfortunate wretch is often seduced in the middle of the night, and as it were skinned alive.’—‘Mr. Notary,’ replied the governor, ‘much may be said on that subject.’

Here he was interrupted by the arrival of a serjeant who had fast hold of a youth, and thus addressed himself to the governor: ‘This spark, my lord, was coming towards us; but no sooner had a glimpse of the officers of justice, than he turned his back, and began to scamper off as nimbly as a fallow-deer; a sure sign of his being some sort of a delinquent: I pursued him immediately, but should never have overtaken him, had not he stumbled and fallen.’—‘Young man,’ said Sancho, ‘what did you run for?’ To this question the youth replied, ‘I ran, my lord, in order to avoid the tedious interrogations of justice.’—‘What business do you follow?’—‘I am a weaver.’—‘And what sort of stuff do you weave?’—‘Iron heads for lances, with your honour’s leave.’—‘What! you are a small wit, methinks, and set up for a joker! Very well, Sir, and where was you going now?’—‘To take the air, my lord.’—‘And whereabouts do you take the air in this island?’—‘Just where it happens to blow.’—‘Good again! your answers are pat; and, to be sure, you are a pretty smart young fellow: but, hark ye, youngster, I am the air that will blow in your poop, until you are safely lodged in prison.—Here, take and order him to gaol, I will take order that he shall sleep for one night without air.’—‘’Fore God!’ cried the youth, ‘your honour can no more make me sleep in gaol, than you can make me king.’—‘And wherefore cannot I make thee sleep in gaol?’ replied Sancho; ‘is it not in my power to confine and release thee, when and where I please!’—‘How great soever your honour’s power may be,’ said the young man, ‘it is not sufficient to make me sleep in prison.’—‘How! not sufficient?’ cried Sancho: ‘away with him, and let his own eyes convince him of his mistake; and lest the gaoler should practise his interested generosity upon him, I will fine him in two thousand ducats, if he suffers thee to move one step from the prison.’—‘All this is matter of mirth,’ answered the youth; ‘for the truth is, all the people upon earth shall not make me sleep in prison.’—‘Tell me, devil,’ said Sancho, ‘hast thou got a familiar to release thee, and loose the chains with which I intend thou shalt be fettered?’—‘Now, my lord governor,’ replied the youth with a graceful air, ‘let us argue the matter, and come to the point. Suppose your excellency should order me to be carried to gaol, to be loaded with chains and shackles, and thrust into a dungeon, and lay an heavy penalty upon the gaoler, in case he should allow me to escape; and lastly, suppose he should perform his duty with all imaginable care and success; notwithstanding all these precautions, if I have no inclination to sleep, and can keep myself awake all night, without closing an eye, pray tell me, is all your lordship’s power sufficient to make me sleep against my will?’—‘No, surely,’ said the secretary; ‘and the young man has made good his assertion.’—‘Provided always,’ said Sancho, ‘that your defying sleep would be merely for your own pleasure, without any intention to contradict mine.’—‘No, my lord,’ replied the youth; ‘I never dreamt of any such intention.’—‘Then, peace be with you,’ resumed the governor, ‘you may go and sleep at home, and God send you a sound sleep, for I have no design to disturb your repose: but let me advise you, never henceforth to crack a joke upon justice; otherwise you may chance to light upon some of her ministers that will crack your scull.’

The youth went away, the governor continued his circuit; and he had not gone far, when two serjeants brought in a person they had taken, saying, ‘My lord governor, this here person that seems to be a man, is no other than a woman, and that not ugly neither, in man’s cloaths.’ Here they held up two or three lanthorns, by the light of which they discovered the face of a woman, seemingly about sixteen years of age, beautiful as a thousand pearls, with her hair tied up in a net of green silk and gold. Having surveyed her from head to foot, they perceived her stockings were of flesh coloured silk, tied with garters of white taffeta, and fringes of gold embroidery; her breeches were of green cloth of gold; she had a loose coat of the same stuff, under which she wore a jacket of the finest brocade; and her shoes were white, and made like those used by men. She had no sword about her, but a very rich dagger, and upon her fingers were a great number of valuable rings: in a word, all who beheld the girl were struck with her appearance, though not one of them knew her face; and the inhabitants of the town said they could not conceive who she was. But those who concerted the jokes that were practised upon Sancho were most struck with admiration; for this incident and salvage was not of their contriving; and therefore they stood in suspence, waiting to see the issue of the adventure; while Sancho, confounded at the girl’s beauty, asked who she was, whither she was going, and what had induced her to appear in the habit of a man. She, fixing her eyes upon the ground, with the most engaging bashfulness, replied, ‘My lord, I cannot disclose, in such a publick company, what it concerns me so much to conceal. One circumstance I beg leave to communicate: I am no thief or criminal person; but an unfortunate young lady, compelled by jealousy to trespass upon that decorum which is due to my honour and reputation.’

The steward hearing these words, said to Sancho, ‘My lord governor, be so good as to bid the people retire, that this lady may disburden her mind with more freedom.’ The governor accordingly laid his commands upon his attendants, all of whom retired, except the steward, the gentleman sewer, and the secretary; and the young lady, finding they were gone, proceeded to this effect: ‘Gentlemen, I am the daughter of Pedro Perez Mazorca, farmer of the wool in this town, who comes frequently to my father’s house.’—‘Madam,’ said the steward, ‘this will not go down. I am very well acquainted with Pedro Perez, and know he has neither chick nor child, male or female; besides, you first say he is your father, and then add, he frequently comes to your father’s house.’—‘That circumstance I likewise took notice of,’ said Sancho. ‘Well, gentlemen,’ replied the damsel, ‘I am in such confusion, that I know not what to say, but the truth is, I am the daughter of Diego de Llana, whom you must all know.’—‘Aye, this goes better,’ answered the steward; ‘Diego de Llana is my acquaintance, and a gentleman of rank and fortune; I know, too, he has a son and daughter; though, since he was a widower, no person in this town can pretend to say he ever saw the face of his daughter, whom her father keeps so closely shut up, that the sun himself has no opportunity to behold her; and yet, report says she is extremely beautiful.’—‘True,’ said the damsel; ‘I am that very daughter, and whether or not fame has belyed me in point of beauty, you yourselves, gentlemen, may judge from your own observation.’ So saying, she began to weep most tenderly.

The secretary perceiving her distress, said to the sewer in a whisper, ‘Doubtless, something of consequence must have happened to this poor young lady, seeing a person of her quality quits her own home at such an hour, and in such an equipage.’—‘Certainly,’ replied the other, ‘that suspicion is confirmed by her tears.’ As for Sancho, he consoled her in the best terms he could use, and desired that she would, without fear or constraint, communicate what had befallen her; for they would endeavour to remedy her disaster with great sincerity, and by all possible means. ‘This, then, is the case, gentlemen,’ answered the damsel: ‘my father has locked me up for the space of ten years, which are elapsed since my mother was committed to her grave: there is in the house a rich oratory where mass is said; and, in all that time, I have seen nothing but the sun in the heavens by day, and the moon and stars by night. I am utterly unacquainted with the streets, squares, churches, and all mankind, except my father, my brother, and Pedro Perez, the wool farmer, whom, because he comes frequently to our house, I took it in my head to call my father, in order to conceal the name of my real parent. I have been very disconsolate for many days and months, on account of this confinement, and his constant refusal to let me go to church; I longed to see the world, at least the town in which I first drew breath; and I did not think this desire transgressed the bounds of that decorum which young women of fashion ought to preserve. When I heard of bull-feasts, darting the javelin, and plays, I desired my brother, who is a year younger than myself, to describe the nature of these and many other things which I had not seen, and he gratified my desire to the utmost of his power; but his description served only to inflame my impatience to behold those spectacles: in a word, to cut short the account of my ruin, I say, I desired and intreated my brother—would to God I had never desired or intreated him!’

And here she renewed her lamentation; when the steward interposing, ‘Madam,’ said he, ‘be so good as to proceed, and finish the story of your adventure; for your own words and tears keep us all in the utmost suspence.’—‘I have little else to say,’ replied the damsel, ‘though a great many tears to shed; for such irregular desires are always, without fail, attended by such misfortunes.’

The beauty of this damsel having made an impression on the soul of the gentleman sewer, he once more held up the lanthorn to take another view, and the tears she let fall, he took to be seed-pearl, or the dew-drops of the meadow; nay, his fancy even compared them to oriental pearls, and he ardently wished that her misfortunes might not appear so great as her sighs and lamentation seemed to indicate.

The governor being tired of the dilatory manner in which the girl told her story, desired she would keep them no longer in suspence; for it was late, and they had a great part of their round still to perform. Then she, in the midst of interrupted sobbings and broken sighs, proceeded thus: ‘My misfortune and my disaster is nothing else than this; I begged my brother to disguise me in one of his suits, and carry me out to see the town, some night while my father should be asleep; he, importuned by my intreaties, complied with my request, and gave me this dress, while he himself put on a suit of mine, which fits him to a nicety; for he has not one hair upon his chin, and looks exactly like a very handsome girl. This night, about an hour ago, little more or less, we sallied forth from our own house; and conducted by our foot-boy, and our own unruly desire, went round the whole town; but, when we wanted to return home again, we perceived a great number of people coming up, and my brother said, “Sister, this must be the patrole; quicken your pace, put wings to your feet, and run after me, that they may not know who we are, otherwise we shall be in evil taking.” So saying, he took to his heels, and began—not to run, but to fly; but scarce had I followed him six paces, when I fell through fear, and then came the officers of justice, who brought me before your lordship, where, in consequence of my foolish and rash conduct, I find myself confounded and ashamed before so much company.’—‘So that after all, Madam,’ said Sancho, ‘no other mishap has befallen you, nor was it jealousy that brought you from your own house, as you alledged in the beginning of your story?’—‘Nothing else hath happened to me, nor did I quit my own home from jealousy, but merely from the desire of seeing the world, which extended no farther than a wish to see the streets of this town.’

The truth of this assertion was confirmed by the arrival of two other serjeants with her brother, whom they had taken in his flight. He had no other cloaths but a rich petticoat, and a mantle of blue damask laced with gold; on his head there was no cap, or any other ornament but his own hair, which was so rich and ruddy, that it looked like ringlets of gold. The governor, steward, and sewer, taking him aside, that he might not be overheard by his sister, questioned him about his being disguised in that dress; and the youth, with equal bashfulness and disorder, repeated the same story which his sister had related, to the unspeakable satisfaction of the enamoured sewer.

‘Gentlefolks,’ said the governor, ‘this is certainly a very childish trick, and in giving an account of your simplicity and rashness, there needed not all this weeping and wailing. Had you said at first, our names are so and so, and we fell upon this contrivance to steal out of our father’s house, merely to gratify our curiosity, without any other design, the affair would have been at an end, and you might have spared all this grunting and groaning.’—‘Very true,’ replied the damsel; ‘but your honour must know, my confusion was so great, that I was not mistress of my own behaviour.’—‘There is no harm done,’ replied Sancho; ‘let us go and see you safe home to the house of your father, who perhaps has not missed you as yet; and henceforward be not such a baby, or so desirous to see the world. The maid that would keep her good name, stays at home as if she was lame. A hen and a housewife, whatever they cost, if once they go gadding will surely be lost. And she that longs to see, I ween, is as desirous to be seen. This is all I shall at present say upon the subject.’

The young man thanked the governor for his intended civility in seeing them home; and accordingly they took the road to their father’s house, which was not far off. When they arrived at the gate, the brother threw a pebble, at a casement, and immediately a maid-servant who sat up for them, came down and opened the door, at which they entered, leaving all the company in admiration at their beauty and genteel deportment, as well as at their scheme of seeing the world by night, without going out of the town; but this they ascribed to their tender years.

The sewer’s heart was transpierced by the charms of the sister, whom he resolved to demand in marriage of her father the very next day, concluding he should not meet with a denial because he was a domestick of the duke’s. Even Sancho was seized with a whim and inclination to make a match between the youth and his daughter Sanchica, and he actually resolved to effectuate it in due season; taking it for granted no man would refuse his hand to a governor’s daughter.

Thus ended the round for that night, and in two days he saw the end of his government, which overthrew and destroyed all his designs, as will be seen in the sequel.

Footnote 191:

Podrida, signifies rotten or mortified; hence the olla podrida is in French stiled pot-pourri.

Footnote 192:

Literally, The devil’s in Cantiliana, which is a town of Andalusia, near Seville.

CHAP. XVIII. WHICH DECLARES WHO WERE THE INCHANTERS AND EXECUTIONERS THAT SCOURGED THE DUENNA, AND PINCHED AND SCRATCHED DON QUIXOTE— TOGETHER WITH THE EXPEDITION OF THE PAGE, WHO CARRIED THE LETTER TO TERESA PANZA, SANCHO’S SPOUSE.

Cid Hamet, the most punctual investigator of the most minute atoms belonging to this genuine history, says, that when Donna Rodriguez quitted her apartment to visit Don Quixote in his chamber, another duenna, who was her bedfellow, perceived her motions, and as all the individuals of that class are naturally disposed to enquire, to pry, and to smell into the affairs of their neighbours, she followed her so softly, that honest Rodriguez knew nothing at all of the matter; and when she saw her enter Don Quixote’s apartment, that she might conform to the general custom of all duennas, who are much addicted to tale-bearing, she, that instant, went and informed my Lady Duchess, that Donna Rodriguez was in the knight’s bed-chamber; the duchess communicated this intelligence to the duke, and asked leave to go along with Altisidora, and see what the duenna wanted with Don Quixote: the duke granted his permission, and the two, with great caution, treading softly, step by step, went up so close to the chamber-door, as to overhear every thing that was said; and the duchess hearing how Rodriguez divulged the secret of those healing streams[193], that flowed from her body, could not bear the duenna’s presumption, which was equally resented by Altisidora. Exasperated, therefore, and bent upon vengeance, they burst into the apartment, where they pinched the knight, and flogged the duenna, as hath been already recited; for, affronts levelled directly against the beauty and pride of the fair sex, waken the indignation of the offended party to a great degree, and inspire her with the desire of revenge.

The duchess recounted the adventure to the duke, who was extremely diverted with the particulars; and her grace resolving to proceed with her jokes, and extract entertainment from Don Quixote, dispatched the page who had acted the part of Dulcinea, in the contrivance of the disinchantment, which, by the bye, Sancho Panza had by this time forgot, so much was he engrossed by the affairs of his government——the duchess, I say, dispatched the page to Teresa Panza, with her husband’s letter, and another from her grace, together with a rosary of rich coral in a present.

The history relates, then, that the page, who was a very intelligent acute young fellow, extremely well disposed to contribute to the entertainment of his lord and lady, set out with great satisfaction for Sancho’s native place; but, before he entered the village, he saw a number of women washing linen in a brook, and of these he asked, if they could inform him whereabouts lived one Teresa Panza, wife of one Sancho Panza, squire to a certain knight, called Don Quixote de La Mancha. This question was no sooner pronounced, than a girl, who was washing, starting up, ‘That Teresa Panza,’ cried she, ‘is my mother; and that same Sancho my honoured father, and that knight our master.’—‘Come, then, young mistress,’ replied the page, ‘conduct me to your mother, for I bring her a letter and a present from that same father of yours.’—‘That I will do with all my heart, kind Sir,’ answered the girl; who seemed to be fourteen years of age, over or under; and, leaving the cloaths upon which she was at work, to one of her companions, without putting on her cap or her shoes, for she was barefoot, and her hair hung about her eyes, she ran before the page’s horse, saying, ‘Come along, good Sir, our house is at this end of the village, and there you will find my poor mother in a sorrowful taking, because she has not for many days heard any news of my honoured father’—‘But now,’ said the page, ‘I bring her such good news, that she will have reason to bless God for this happy day.’ In a word, what with dancing, running, and skipping, the wench arrived at the village; but before she entered the house, she called aloud at the door, ‘Come out, mother Teresa, come out; pray come out; here’s a gentleman who brings letters, and other good things, from my good father!’

Teresa Panza hearing this exclamation, came forth spinning tow from a distaff, with a grey petticoat, so short that it seemed to have been cut close to the placket; a jacket of the same stuff, and an open breasted shift; she was not very old, though seemingly turned of forty; but strong, hale, nervous, and tough. Seeing her daughter, with the page on horseback, ‘What is the matter, child?’ said she; ‘what gentleman is that?’—‘The very humble servant of my Lady Donna Teresa Panza,’ replied the page; who, throwing himself from his horse, ran with great eagerness and humility, to kneel before Madam Teresa, saying, ‘Grant me permission to kiss your ladyship’s hand, Madam Donna Teresa, as the legitimate and particular consort of my Lord Don Sancho Panza, sole governor of the island Barataria.’—‘Nay, good Sir, forbear; do not so!’ answered Teresa; ‘I am none of your court dames; but a poor country-woman, a ploughman’s daughter; and wife to a squire-errant, but no governor.’—‘Your ladyship,’ replied the page, ‘is the most worthy consort of the most superlatively worthy governor; and this letter and present is an incontestible proof of the truth of what I say.’ So saying, he instantly pulled from his pocket the lining of coral, set in gold, and tied it round her neck; then producing a letter, ‘This,’ said he, ‘is from my Lord Governor, and this other with the necklace, from my Lady Duchess who sent me hither.’

Teresa was confounded; and her daughter no less astonished, exclaimed, ‘I’ll be hanged if our master Don Quixote be not at the bottom of all this; and surely must have given my father that same government or countship, which he promised him so often!’—‘You are certainly in the right,’ answered the page; ‘for it is entirely on Signior Don Quixote’s account, that Signior Sancho is now governor of the island Barataria, as will appear in this letter.’—‘Pray, good gentleman, read it,’ said Teresa; ‘for though I can spin, I cannot read so much as a crumb.’—‘Nor I, neither,’ added Sanchica; ‘but stay a moment, I’ll go and fetch one that shall read it, either the curate himself, or the batchelor Sampson Carrasco, who will come with pleasure to hear news of my father.’—‘There is no occasion to fetch any person whatever,’ said the page; ‘for though I cannot spin, I can read; and read it I shall.’ He accordingly read Sancho’s letter from beginning to end; but as it hath been already recited, we shall not repeat it in this place. Then he rehearsed the other, which came from the duchess, in these words—

‘FRIEND TERESA,

‘The great talents, and excellent disposition of your husband Sancho, induced and obliged me to beg of the duke my husband, that he would confer upon him the government of one, among many islands that are in his possession; and I understand he governs like any jerfaulcon; a circumstance that affords great pleasure to me, and of consequence to my Lord Duke; and I thank Heaven heartily, that I have not been deceived in chusing him for that same government: for, Madam Teresa must know, it is a very hard matter to find a good governor in this world, and God make me as good a woman as Sancho is a governor. I have sent you, my dear friend, a coral necklace set in gold; and I wish, for your sake, it had been of oriental pearls; but, He that gives, though it were but an egg, would be sorry to see thee lame of a leg. The time will come when we shall be better acquainted, and carry on a closer correspondence, and Heaven knows what may come to pass. Commend me to your daughter Sanchica, and tell her from me, to keep herself in readiness; for I mean to match her very high, when perhaps she thinks least of the matter. I am told your town is famous for fine large acorns; pray send me two dozen, which I shall greatly esteem as coming from your hand. Write me a long letter, giving an account of your health and welfare; and if you should want any thing, you have nothing to do but open your mouth, and it shall be measured. That God would protect you, is the prayer of your-loving friend,

‘THE DUCHESS.’

‘La! now,’ cried Teresa, when she heard the contents of the letter, ‘what a kind, and plain, and humble lady! would I might live, and die, and be buried among such ladies, and not your gentlewomen of this town, who think, forsooth, because they are gentlefolks, the wind must not touch them, and go to church in such finery as if they were perfect queens; nay, they seem to think it a disgrace to look at a poor body; and see here now, how this worthy lady, even though no less than a duchess, calls me friend, and treats me as if I were her own equal; and equal may she be to the highest steeple in all La Mancha. As to what concerns the acorns, kind Sir, I’ll send her a whole peck, so fair and large, that people shall come far and near to see and admire them.—For the present, Sanchica, we must look to the entertainment of this gentleman; let his horse be taken care of; fetch some eggs from the stable, and cut some rashers of bacon, and let us treat him like a prince; for the good news he has brought, and his own good countenance, deserves every thing at our hands. In the mean time I’ll go out, and give an account of our good fortune to my neighbours, especially our father the curate, and Master Nicholas the barber, who are, and always were, such friends to your father.’—‘I will do as you desire, mother,’ answered Sanchica; ‘but remember, you shall give me one half of the string of coral; for I don’t take my lady duchess to be such a ninny as to send the whole for your use.’—‘It is all thy own, daughter,’ replied Teresa; ‘but thou must let me wear it a few days about my neck; for in faith and troth, it will rejoice my poor heart.’—‘It will be still more rejoiced,’ said the page, ‘when you see the bundle in that portmanteau, consisting of a suit of superfine cloth, which was never wore but one day at the hunting, by the governor, who sends it for the sole use of Miss Sanchica.’—‘May he live a thousand years!’ cried Sanchica, ‘as well as he that brings it, neither more nor less; and even two thousand, if there should be occasion.’

Now Teresa going out with the letters, and the string about her neck, went along playing with her fingers upon the paper, as if it had been a cymbal; and casually meeting the curate and Sampson Carrasco, she began to caper about, saying, ‘In good faith, we have no poor kindred now; we have caught the governorship: aye, aye, pick me up the best gentlewoman of them all, ifack! I’ll look upon her as an upstart.’—‘What is the matter, Teresa Panza?’ said the curate; ‘What is the meaning of this rhapsody? and what papers are these?’—‘No rhapsody at all,’ replied Teresa, ‘but only these letters are from duchesses and governors, and these here upon my neck are true corals; the Ave Marias and Paternosters are of beaten gold, and I am a governess!’—‘God shield us, Teresa,’ cried the curate, ‘as we do not understand a word of what you say!’—‘Seeing is believing,’ answered the good woman, putting the letters into his hand; which he having read, in the hearing of Sampson Carrasco, they looked at one another with astonishment. When the batchelor asked who brought those letters, Teresa desired they would go along with her to her house, and they would see the messenger, who was a comely youth, like a perfect golden pine-tree, and had brought another present worth twice as much. The curate taking the string of coral from her neck, viewed and reviewed it with great deliberation; and, being satisfied the beads were real fine coral, was again struck with admiration, and exclaimed, ‘Now, by the habit which I wear! I know not what to say, or what to think of these letters and presents: on one side I see, and even feel, the worth of these corals; and on the other, I read a letter from a duchess, who begs two dozen of acorns!’—‘Reconcile these things if you can,’ said Carrasco; ‘but now let us go and see the bearer of this packet, whose information will solve all these difficulties.’

They accordingly accompanied Teresa, and found the page winnowing a little barley for his beast, while Sanchica was employed in cutting rashers to fry with the eggs, for the entertainment of their guest, whose appearance and equipage gave great satisfaction to the new-comers. After the compliments of salutation had courteously passed between them, Sampson intreated him to tell them news of Don Quixote, as well as of Sancho Panza; for although they had perused the letters of this last, and of my lady duchess, they were still overwhelmed with confusion, and could by no means comprehend the meaning of that government, especially of an island, seeing all, or the greatest part of the islands in the Mediterranean, belonged to his majesty. To this remonstrance the page replied, ‘That Signior Sancho Panza is a governor, there is no sort of doubt; but whether of an island or not, I do not pretend to decide: let it suffice, however, that he governs a place of above a thousand inhabitants; and with respect to the acorns, I can affirm, my Lady Duchess is of such a frank and humble disposition, that her sending for acorns to a countrywoman is not to be wondered at; nay, I once knew her send and borrow a comb of one of her neighbours; for you must know, gentlemen, the ladies of Arragon, although as noble, are not so ceremonious and superb, as the quality of Castile, but treat their inferiors with more frankness and familiarity.’

In the midst of this conversation, Sanchica coming in with her lap full of eggs, addressed herself to the page, saying, ‘Pray, tell me, Signior, does my honoured father wear trunk-hose since he was a governor?’—‘I have not observed that particular,’ replied the page; ‘but certainly he must.’—‘My God!’ cried Sanchica, ‘how glad I should be to see my father with trunk hose! let me never thrive, but I have, ever since I was born, longed to see father in laced trunk-breeches.’—‘Laced hose!’ said the page; ‘Lord, Madam, if he lives, and his government should hold but two months, he is in a fair way of travelling with a hood to his riding-coat.’ The curate and batchelor could easily perceive the page made a jest of his entertainers; but the worth of the coral beads, and the hunting-suit which Sancho had sent, destroyed all their conjectures; for Teresa had shewn them the green garment: nor did they fail to laugh at the ambition of Sanchica; and their mirth was not extinguished, when Teresa accosting the priest, ‘Mr. Curate,’ said she, ‘do pray cast your eyes about a little, and see if any body be going to Madrid or Toledo, that I may have an opportunity to purchase a round farthing-gale, right and tight, fashionable and of the best sort; for truly and truly, I am resolved to honour my spouse’s government as much as lies in my power; aye, and if they vex me, I’ll go to court, and ride in my coach, like all the rest, and the best of them; for she who is married to a governor, may very well procure and maintain such a convenience.’—‘Yea, forsooth,’ replied Sanchica; ‘and would to God it were to-day rather than to-morrow, although those who saw me seated with my lady mother in the coach, should say, Look, at such a one, daughter of such a garlick-eater, how she sits and lolls in a coach, like the pope’s lady; but let them trudge in the dirt, so I ride in my coach, with my feet lifted off the ground: An ill year, and worse month, betide all the envious grumblers upon earth; and, So I am warm, without and within, the mob may laugh, and the malicious grin. Speak I to the purpose, mother?’—‘To the purpose! yes, to be sure, daughter; and all this good luck, and even more, was prophesied by my good man Sancho, and thou shalt see, daughter, it will not stop until I am a countess; for good fortune wants only a beginning, as I have often heard it observed by thy worthy father, who is likewise the father of proverbs; When they bring thee a heifer, be ready with the halter; When they give thee a government, seize it a-God’s name; When they bestow a countship, lay thy clutches upon it; and, When they throw thee some good beneficial bone, wag thy tail, and snap at the favour; if not, sleep on, and never answer to good fortune and preferment, when they knock at thy door.’—‘And what do I care?’ said Sanchica, ‘let them say what they will, when they see me exalted in all my finery, and cry, There goes Mrs. Ape, with her buttocks cased in crape: and all the rest of that stuff.’

The curate hearing her remark, ‘I cannot believe,’ said he, ‘but that all the family of the Panzas are born with a bag of proverbs in their bowels; for I have never seen one of them, who does not scatter about old saws, at all times, and in all conversations.’—‘Your observation is very just,’ said the page; ‘for my Lord Governor Sancho utters them at every step; and although many of his proverbs are not much to the purpose, they nevertheless give great pleasure, and are much extolled by my lady duchess and the duke.’—‘What! and do you still, my good Sir,’ said the batchelor, ‘affirm the truth of that government of Sancho; and that there is actually a duchess who sends letters and presents to his wife? For our parts, although we handle the presents, and have perused the letters, we cannot believe the evidence of our senses, and imagine this is one of those things which our townsman Don Quixote supposed to have been effected by inchantment; and therefore, I own, I have an inclination to touch and feel your person, that I may know whether you are a fantastical ambassador, or really a man of flesh and blood.’—‘Gentlemen,’ replied the page, ‘all that I know of the matter is, that I am a real ambassador; that Signior Sancho Panza is effectually a governor; and that my lord duke, and lady duchess, not only could, but actually did, invest him with that government, in which I hear the said Sancho Panza behaves with vast ability. Whether or not there is any inchantment in the case, I leave you, gentlemen, to dispute and decide among yourselves; that this is all I know of the matter, I swear by the life of my parents, who are still alive, and whom I love and honour with the utmost reverence of affection.’—‘What you say may be true,’ answered the batchelor: ‘but, Dubitat Augustinus.’—‘Doubt as much as you please,’ resumed the page: ‘what I have said is the naked truth, which will always swim above falshood, like oil above water; but, Operibus credite & non verbis: let one of you, gentlemen, go along with me, and he shall see with his eyes what he will not believe upon hearsay.’—‘I am for that jaunt,’ cried Sanchica: ‘good Sir, if you will take me up behind you, I shall be glad to go and see my father’s worship.’—‘The daughters of governors,’ said the page, ‘never travel alone; but always accompanied by coaches, and litters, and a great number of attendants.’—‘’Fore God,’ replied Sanchica, ‘I can travel upon a she-ass as well as in a coach: you won’t find me shy or fearful.’—‘Hold your tongue, wench,’ said Teresa: ‘you know not what you say. The gentleman is in the right; for, Every season has its reason. When it was plain Sancho, it was plain Sancha; but now, being governor, my Lady——I know not if what I say be to the purpose.’—‘Madam Teresa has said more than she is aware of,’ replied the page: ‘but, pray, let me have some victuals, and dispatch me immediately; for I intend to return this evening.’ To this remonstrance the curate answered, ‘Sir, you shall come and do penance with me; for Madam Teresa has more inclination than ability to entertain such a worthy guest.’ The page, at first, declined the invitation; but, at length, found it was his interest to consent; and the curate conducted him to his parsonage, with great pleasure, that he might have an opportunity to enquire at leisure about Don Quixote and his exploits.

The batchelor offered to write answers to Teresa’s letters; but she did not chuse that he should intermeddle in her affairs; for she looked upon him as a wag. She therefore gave a roll of bread, and a couple of eggs, to a noviciate monk who could write; and he penned two letters, one for her husband, and another for the duchess, indited by Teresa’s own noddle, which are not the least entertaining that occur in this sublime history, as will be seen in the sequel.

Footnote 193:

Literally, the Aranjuez of the fountains. Fuentes signifies, either fountains or issues; and Aranjeuz is the name of a delightful palace, about seven leagues from Madrid, famous for gardens and fountains.

CHAP. XIX. OF THE PROGRESS OF SANCHO PANZA’S GOVERNMENT— AND OTHER SUCH DIVERTING INCIDENTS.

At length arrived the morning that succeeded the night of the governor’s round, which the gentleman-sewer passed without sleep, so much were his thoughts engrossed by the face, the air, and beauty of the disguised damsel; while the steward employed the time in writing an account of Sancho’s conduct to his lord and lady, equally astonished at his words and actions, in which folly and discretion were strangely blended.

At last my lord governor arose, and by direction of Doctor Pedro Positive, he was fain to break his fast with a little conserve, and four gulps of cold water, which Sancho would have gladly exchanged for a luncheon of bread and a bunch of grapes; but, finding himself under compulsion, he bore his fate with grief of soul and anxiety of stomach; Pedro Positive giving him to understand, that your slight and delicate dishes animate the genius, consequently were most proper for persons appointed to posts and offices of importance, in which corporal strength cannot avail so much as the vigour of the understanding. By this sort of sophistry Sancho was subjected to such severe hunger, that he in secret cursed the government; aye, and him who conferred it: nevertheless, in despight of hunger, and upon the strength of the conserve, he, that day, sat in judgment; and the first case that occurred, was a question put by a stranger, in presence of the steward and the rest of the assistants: ‘My lord,’ said he, ‘a certain manor is divided by a large river—I beg your honour will be attentive; for the case is of great consequence, and some difficulty. I say, then, upon this river is a bridge, and at one end of it the gibbet, together with a sort of court-hall, in which four judges usually sit, to execute the law enacted by the lord of the river, bridge, and manor, which runs to this effect: “Whosoever shall pass over this bridge, must first swear whence he comes, and whither he goes: if he swears the truth, he shall be allowed to pass; but if he forswears himself, he shall die upon the gallows, without mercy or respite.”

‘This law, together with the rigorous penalty, being known, numbers passed, and as it appeared they swore nothing but the truth, the judges permitted them to pass freely, and without controul. It happened, however, that one man’s oath being taken, he affirmed, and swore by his deposition, that he was going to be hanged on that gibbet, and had no other errand or intention. The judges having considered this oath, observed, if we allow the man to pass freely, he swore to a lye, and therefore ought to be hanged according to law; and if we order him to be hanged, after he hath sworn he was going to be suspended on that gibbet, he will have sworn the truth, and by the same law ought to be acquitted. I beg, therefore, to know of your honour, my lord governor, what the judges must do with this man: for hitherto they are doubtful and in suspense; and having heard of your lordship’s acute and elevated understanding, they have sent me to intreat your honour, in their names, to favour them with your opinion in a case of such doubt and intricacy.’ To this address Sancho replied, ‘Assuredly, those judges who sent you to me, might have spared themselves the trouble; for I am a man that may be said to be rather blunt than acute: nevertheless, repeat the business so that I may understand it fully, and who knows but I may chance to hit the nail on the head.’ The interrogator having repeated his story again and again, Sancho said, ‘I think I can now explain the case in the twinkling of two balls: and this it is: A man swears he is going to be hanged on such a gibbet; if he actually suffers upon that gibbet, he swore the truth, and by the enacted law ought to be allowed freely to pass the bridge; but if he is not hanged, he swore false, and for that reason ought to suffer upon the gibbet.’

‘The case is exactly as my lord governor conceives it,’ said the messenger: ‘and with respect to the scope, and understanding of the matter, there is no farther room for doubt or interrogation,’—‘I say, then,’ replied Sancho, ‘that part of the man which swore truth, ought to be allowed to pass; and that which told a lye, ought to be hanged; and in this manner the terms or condition of passing will be literally fulfilled.’

‘But, my lord governor,’ replied the questioner, ‘in that case it will be necessary to divide the man into two parts, namely, the false and the true; and if he is so divided, he must certainly die: therefore, the intent of the law will be frustrated, whereas, there is an express necessity for its being accomplished.’—‘Come hither, honest friend,’ said Sancho; ‘either I am a blockhead, or this passenger you mention has an equal title to be hanged, and to live and pass over the bridge; for, if the truth saves him on one side, his falshood condemns him equally on the other. Now, this being the case, as it certainly is, I think you must tell the gentleman who sent you hither, that as the reasons for condemning and for acquitting the culprit are equally balanced, they shall let him freely pass; for it is always more laudable to do good than harm; and to this opinion I would subscribe if I could write my name. Nor, indeed, have I spoken my own sentiment on this occasion: but I have recollected one, among the many precepts I received from my master Don Quixote, the night before I set out for the government of this island; he said, that when justice was doubtful, I should chuse and lean towards mercy; and it pleased God that I should now remember this maxim, which falls so pat to the present purpose.’—‘So it does,’ said the steward; ‘and I firmly believe, that Lycurgus himself, who gave laws to the Lacedemonians could not have uttered a more sagacious decision than that which the great Panza has pronounced. Now, let the audience end for this morning, and I will give orders that my lord governor shall dine to his heart’s content.’—‘That is my request,’ cried Sancho: ‘nothing but fair play; give me plenty of victuals, and let them load me with cases and doubts, I will soon make them vanish into smoke.’

The steward kept his word; for he had a scruple of conscience in famishing such a discreet governor; especially as he intended that night to conclude the farce with the last joke he had a commission to execute.

Well, then, Sancho having dined that day, contrary to all the rules and aphorisms of Doctor Snatchaway, the cloth was no sooner removed than a courier entered with a letter from Don Quixote to the governor, who desired the secretary to read it by himself; and then, if there was nothing in it which required to be kept secret, to rehearse it in an audible voice. The secretary, in obedience to his command, having perused it in secret, ‘It may be very safely read aloud,’ said he; ‘what Signior Don Quixote writes to your lordship, deserves to be printed, and even displayed in golden letters. This is the purport of the letter.’

THE LETTER FROM DON QUIXOTE DE LA MANCHA TO SANCHO PANZA, GOVERNOR OF THE ISLAND BARATARIA.

‘FRIEND SANCHO,

‘When I expected to hear of thy negligence and impertinence, I was informed of thy discretion, for which I have returned particular thanks to Heaven, that can raise the poor from the dunghill, and extract wisdom from the heart of the fool. I am told thou hast governed like a man, and that thou art a man as if thou wert a beast; such is the humility of thy deportment. Take notice, Sancho, it is often convenient and necessary, for the authority of office, to refill the humility of the heart; for the ornament of the person invested with charges of dignity, ought to be conformable to what these require, and not measured according to the will of an humble disposition. Appear always well-dressed; for a maypole when decorated loses its original appearance: not that I advise thee to wear jewels and finery; or, as thou art a judge, to go in the habit of a soldier; but to adorn thyself with that garb which thine office requires, and to be always clean, and neatly dressed. In order to acquire the good will of the people over whom thou art set, among other things, remember two particulars; one is to be affable to every body—but this I have mentioned upon another occasion; the other is to procure plenty of provision; for there is nothing that gives such vexation to the poor as hunger and dearth.

‘Do not issue a great number of ordinances, but take care that those which are published be good; and, above all things, see they are maintained and put in execution; for those ordinances which are not observed, might as well be annulled, as they serve to demonstrate that the prince who had discretion and authority to enact them, wanted power to enforce obedience; and those laws which only intimidate, without being put in execution, resemble the King Log of the frogs, which at first terrified his subjects, by whom, however, at the long run, he was despised and insulted. Be thou a father to the virtuous, and a stepfather to the wicked. Thou must not be always rigorous, nor always gentle; but chuse the medium between these two extremities, in which lies the point of discretion. Visit the prisons, the slaughter-houses, and the markets; for in such places the presence of the governor will be of great importance. Console the prisoners with hope of being speedily dispatched. Be a bug-bear to butchers, for then they will use honest weights; and a terror to market-women, for the same reason. Beware of shewing thyself (though thou really shouldst be so, and yet I believe thou art not) a miser, a letcher, or a glutton; for thy people, and those who have concerns with thee, knowing the bias of thine inclination, will batter thee from that quarter, until thou art overthrown into the profundity of perdition. Consider and reconsider, peruse and re-peruse, the advices and instructions which I gave thee in writing before thy departure for thy government; and, if thou observest the contents, thou wilt find in them a precious aid, that will alleviate the toils and difficulties which every moment occur to governors. Write to thy noble patrons, to evince thy gratitude; for ingratitude is the daughter of pride, and one of the vilest sins that can be committed; and the person who is grateful to his benefactor gives indication that he is also grateful to God, whose benefits are so manifold and incessant. My lady duchess dispatched a messenger with thy hunting-suit, and another present to thy wife Teresa, and we expect her answer every moment.

‘I have been somewhat indisposed, in consequence of a certain cat-clawing adventure, which I lately atchieved with some discomfiture of my nose; but that was of no consequence; for if I am maltreated by one set of inchanters, I am protected by another. Let me know if the steward, who is with thee, had any concern in the adventure of the Countess Trifaldi, as thou once seemedst to suspect; and give me an account of every thing that betides thee, seeing the distance between us is so small. I think of leaving, in a little time, this idle life, for which I was never designed. I am like to be engaged in an affair, which, I believe, will bring me into disgrace with the duke and duchess; but, although this affects my mind, it shall not influence my conduct; for, in a word, I am resolved to comply with the duties of my profession, rather than with the dictates of their pleasure; in conformity with the old saying, “Amicus Plato, sed magis amica veritas.” I write this sentence in Latin, because I apprehend thou hast learned that language since thou wast a governor. I commit thee to the protection of God, who is the fountain of all good; and am thy friend,

‘DON QUIXOTE DE LA MANCHA.’

Sancho listened with great attention to the letter, which was applauded, for the good sense it contained, by all the hearers; then the governor rising from table, shut himself up in his apartment with the secretary, in order to compose an answer to his master, without loss of time. He desired the scribe to write what he should dictate, without the least addition or diminution. The secretary obeyed his command, and the answer was to this effect—

SANCHO PANZA’S LETTER TO DON QUIXOTE DE LA MANCHA.

‘The employment of my office is so severe, that I have not time to scratch my head, or even to pair my nails, which I, therefore, wear so long, that God must find some remedy. This I observe, dear master of my soul, that your worship need not be confounded because I have not hitherto given you an account of my well or ill-being in this government; where, by the bye, I suffer more pinching hunger than when we two used to travel through woods and desarts.

‘My lord duke gave me notice the other day, in a letter, that certain spies had entered the island, in order to murder me; but, as yet, I have, discovered none, except a doctor, who has a salary in the place, for killing all the governors that come hither. They call him Doctor Pedro Positive, and he is a native of Snatchaway; so that your worship may see by his name, what reason I have to fear I shall perish by his hands. This very doctor frankly owns, that he does not cure the distempers which are already formed, but only prevents their formation; and the medicine he prescribes, is fasting upon fasting, until the patient is clean skin and bone, as if a consumption was not worse than a fever. Finally, he is killing me by inches with hunger; and I find myself dying of pure vexation; for I thought, in coming to this government, I should have hot meals and cool liquor, and regale my body in Holland sheets, upon beds of down; whereas, I am come to penance like a hermit; and as I cannot even do that, I believe, at the long run, the devil will fly away with me.

‘Hitherto I have neither touched fee nor fingered bribe; nor can I conceive the reason of such proceeding; for I have been told, that the governors who used to come to this island, even before their entrance, always received a good sum of money, either by way of present or loan, from the inhabitants; a custom observed in other governments as well as in this.

‘In going the round last night, I found a very beautiful damsel in man’s cloaths, and her brother in the dress of a woman: my gentleman-sewer is in love with the girl, and, as he says, hath fixed his fancy on her for a wife, and I have chosen the youth for my son-in-law; to-day we two will communicate our thoughts to the father of this young pair, who is one Diego de Llana, a gentleman, and as old a Christian as one would desire.

‘I visit the markets, according to your worship’s advice; and yesterday seeing a huckster selling new nuts, I discovered that she had mixed with a bushel of the new, the same quantity of old nuts that were empty and rotten; upon which I gave the whole to the charity boys, who know very well how to separate the good from the bad, and forbade her to enter the market for fifteen days: I was told I had done gallantly. What I can assure your worship is, that according to the report of this town, there is not a more wicked set of people than those market-women; for they are all without shame, conscience, and moderation; and, indeed, I believe the report, from what I have seen in other corporations.

‘It gives me great satisfaction to hear that my lady duchess has written to my wife Teresa Panza, and sent the present your worship mentions; and I will endeavour to shew my gratitude in due season. I beg your worship will kiss her grace’s hand, in my name, and tell her I say, she has not thrown her favour into a rotten sack, as our deeds shall declare. I should be sorry that your worship came to any reckonings of disgust with my lord duke and lady duchess; for should there be any breach between you, it is very plain the whole would redound to my loss; and, considering the advice you gave me to be always grateful, it would not look well in your worship to be otherwise to those who have done you such favours, and treated you so nobly in their castle.

‘The story of the cat-clawing I do not understand; but do suppose it must have been one of those unlucky frays in which your worship is often engaged with wicked inchanters; but I shall know when we meet.

‘I would fain present your worship with something, but I know not what to send, except some clyster-pipes, which are very curiously turned and mounted in this island; though, if my office holds, it shall go hard but I will find something to send, either by hook or crook. If my wife Teresa Panza should write to me, I beg your worship will pay the postage, and forward the letter; for I am extremely desirous to know the state of my family, my wife, and children. And, now, the Lord deliver your worship from evil-designing inchanters, and safely and peaceably quit me of this government; which I very much doubt; for I believe I shall leave my bones in it, so cruelly am I treated by Doctor Pedro Positive. Your worship’s humble servant,

‘SANCHO PANZA THE GOVERNOR.’

The secretary having sealed this letter, dispatched it with the courier; and those who executed the jokes upon Sancho, laying their heads together, contrived a scheme for dismissing him from the administration. The evening his excellency spent in making some wholesome regulations touching the government of what he imagined to be an island. Among other things, he ordained that there should be no monopolizers of provisions in the commonwealth: that wine should be imported from all parts indifferently, at the pleasure of the merchant; with this addition, that he should declare the place from whence it came, so as that a price might be set upon it, according to its worth, fame, and estimation: and he who should be detected in dashing it with water, or falsifying its name, should suffer death for the offence. He moderated the price of all kinds of hose, and particularly that of shoes, which he looked upon as exorbitant; he rated the wages of servants who went at full gallop in the road of interest; he laid severe penalties upon those who should sing lewd and lascivious ballads, by night or by day; he ordered that no blind man should sing his miracle in couplets, without an authentick testimony of the truth; it appearing that the greatest part of those sung by blind persons, are false and feigned, to the prejudice of those which are true; he made and appointed an overseer of the poor, not to persecute, but to examine whether or not they were real objects; for sturdy thieves and hale drunkards often screen themselves in the shade of feigned lameness, and counterfeit sores. In a word, he made so many good regulations, that they are hitherto preserved in the place, and called, The Constitutions of the Great Governor Sancho Panza.

CHAP. XX. IN WHICH IS RECORDED THE ADVENTURE OF THE SECOND AFFLICTED, OR SORROWFUL MATRON, OTHERWISE CALLED DONNA RODRIGUEZ.

Cid Hamet recounts, that Don Quixote being now cured of his scratches, began to think the life he led in the castle was altogether contrary to the order of chivalry which he professed; and therefore he determined to beg leave of the duke and duchess to set out for Saragossa, as the time of the tournament approached; for there he laid his account with winning the armour which is the reward of the victor. Accordingly, while he one day sat at table with the duke and duchess, he began to execute his resolution in asking leave; when behold, all of a sudden, two women, as it afterwards appeared, entered the dining-room, covered with mourning from head to foot. One of them approaching Don Quixote, prostrated herself before him, and with her mouth close to his feet, uttered such melancholy, profound, and doleful groans, as overwhelmed all the spectators with confusion: for, although the duke and duchess imagined it was some joke which the servants intended to perpetrate upon the knight; yet, seeing how violently the woman sighed, groaned, and wept, they remained doubtful and in suspense, until the compassionate Don Quixote raised her from the ground, and intreated her to discover herself, by taking away the veil that concealed her rueful face. She complied with his request, and shewed herself to be what nobody believed she was; for she displayed the individual countenance of Donna Rodriguez, the duenna of the house, and the other mourner was her daughter, who had been seduced by the rich farmer’s son. All who knew her were struck with admiration, and the duke and duchess more than any body; for, although they took her to be a fool, and a person of a soft disposition, they did not think her folly could have risen to such acts of extravagance. In fine, Donna Rodriguez addressing herself to the duke and duchess, ‘I hope,’ said she, ‘your excellencies will give me leave to communicate a little with this knight: for it is necessary I should confer with him, that I may be safely extricated from the dilemma in which I am involved by the presumption of an evil-minded clown.’

The duke having assured her she was at full liberty to confer with Signior Don Quixote as much as she pleased, she directed her voice and her countenance to the knight, saying, ‘Some days are elapsed, most valiant knight, since I gave you an account of the wrong and treachery which a wicked peasant has done my dearly-beloved daughter, who is this unfortunate creature now standing before you; and you promised, in her behalf, to redress the wrong she had suffered: but now I am informed that you are going to depart from this castle, in quest of the happy adventures God shall throw in your way; and therefore I could wish that before you begin your career through those paths, you would defy this inflexible rustick, and compel him to marry my daughter, and so fulfil the promise he made of being her spouse, before he first yoked with her in the way of love; for, to think my lord duke will do me justice, is the same as to look for pears upon an elm, for the reason which I explained to your worship in private. And upon these terms, the Lord preserve your worship’s health, and grant us his protection.’

To this address, Don Quixote, with great gravity and stateliness of deportment, replied, ‘Worthy duenna, moderate, or rather dry up your tears, and spare your sighs; for here I undertake to redress the grievances of your daughter: though it would have been better for her, had not she so easily believed the protestations of lovers, who, for the most part, are very ready and alert to promise, but very heavy and backward in the performance; nevertheless, with the good leave of my lord duke, I will forthwith set out in quest of this perfidious youth, and having found him, defy and slay him, whensoe’er and wheresoe’er he shall refuse to perform his promise; for the principal aim of my profession is, to pardon the humble, and chastize the haughty; that is, to succour the wretched, and destroy the cruel.’—‘Your worship,’ replied the duke, ‘need not give yourself the trouble to go in quest of the rustick who is the subject of this worthy duenna’s complaint; nor is there any occasion for your worship’s asking my leave to challenge him to single combat; I consider the challenge as already given; I undertake for its being conveyed to the party, and even for its acceptance; and promise that he shall come to answer for himself in person at this castle, where I will furnish both with a listed field, and observe all the conditions that are wont and ought to be observed in such encounters; for justice shall be equally done to each, according to the obligation that lies on all those princes who furnish lists for combatants within the limits of their territories.’—‘With this security, then, and the good leave of your grace,’ replied Don Quixote, ‘I now, for once, renounce my gentility, humble and adjust myself to the level of the delinquent, making myself equal with him, that he may be entitled and enabled to fight with me: I therefore, though in his absence, challenge and defy him, for his wickedness in seducing this poor creature, who was a maid, and now, through his fault, is deprived of her maidenhead; and he shall either perform the promise he made of being her lawful spouse, or die in default of the performance.’

So saying, he pulled off one of his gloves, and threw it into the middle of the hall; this was taken up by the duke, who said he accepted the challenge in the name of his vassal: he likewise appointed the time at the distance of six days, and pitched upon the courtyard of the castle as the field of action: then they agreed to wear the usual arms of knights; namely, the lance, the shield, the plaited coat of mail, and all other pieces, without the least fraud, treachery, or superstition, to be viewed and examined by the judges of the lists.—‘But, before we proceed,’ said the duke, ‘it will be necessary that this good duenna, and this mistaken maid, should put the justice of their cause into the hands of Signior Don Quixote; otherwise nothing to the purpose will be done, nor will the challenge ever come to due execution.’

‘I do put my cause into his hands,’ replied the duenna. ‘And I too,’ cried the daughter; all in tears, and overwhelmed with shame and confusion. The particulars of this affair being adjusted, and the duke having determined with himself what was to be done in the family, the mourners retired, and the duchess ordered that for the future they should not be treated as her servants, but as ladies adventurers come to her house to demand justice: she therefore allotted a separate apartment to themselves, and they were attended as strangers, not without the amazement of other servants, who could not conceive what would be the issue of the folly and effrontery of Donna Rodriguez and her indiscreet and unhappy daughter.

At this instant, in order to compleat the mirth of the company, and finish their meal with more enjoyment, who should enter the hall but the page who carried the letters and presents to Teresa Panza, the wife of Governor Sancho Panza! The duke and duchess were extremely pleased at his arrival, and desirous to know the particulars of his journey, about which he was questioned accordingly. The page answered that he could not describe them in publick, or in a few words; but begged their excellencies would be pleased to reserve the account for their private ear; and, in the mean time entertain themselves with these letters. So saying, he produced two letters, and gave them to the duchess, one superscribed in these words: ‘To my Lady Duchess of I know not what nor where.’ And the other directed, ‘To my husband Sancho Panza, governor of the island Barataria, whom God prosper many more years than myself.’

The duchess would not toast her cake, as the saying is, until she had read her letter, which having opened and perused by herself, when she perceived it might be recited aloud for the benefit of the duke and the company, she rehearsed it with an audible voice, to this effect.

TERESA PANZA’S LETTER TO THE DUCHESS.

‘I received great satisfaction, my lady, from the letter your grace was pleased to write to me; for, in truth, it was what I greatly desired; the string of coral is very good, and my husband’s hunting-suit comes not short of it. Your ladyship’s having made my spouse Sancho a governor, has given great pleasure to all our town, although there are some who cannot believe it, especially the curate Mr. Nicholas, the barber, and the batchelor Sampson Carrasco; but that gives me no trouble; for seeing it be so, as it certainly is, let people say what they will: though, if the truth must be told, had not the string of coral and the hunting-suit come, I should not have believed it myself; for in our town, every body takes my husband for a noodle, and taken as he was, from governing an herd of goats, they cannot conceive what other government he can be good for. The Lord make him fit for his office, and conduct him in that way which will be most for the advantage of his children!

‘For my own part, dear lady of my soul, I am resolved, with your honour’s leave, to bring this happy day home to my own house, and hie me to the court, where I will loll in my coach, and burst the eyes of a thousand people who envy my good fortune: I beg, therefore, your excellency will tell my husband to send me money, and let it be a round sum; for it is very expensive living at court, where bread sells for a rial, and meat for thirty maravedis a pound; and that is an unconscionable price. If he does not chuse that I should go, let him give me notice in time, for my feet itch to be a travelling; and my neighbours and gossips tell me, if I and my daughter go to court, and appear in pomp and grandeur, my husband will come to be known by me, more than I by him; because, when people ask, “Who are these ladies in that coach?” one of my servants will answer, “These are the wife and daughter of Sancho Panza, governor of the island Barataria.” And in this manner Sancho will be known, I shall be respected, and to Rome for every thing.

‘I was vexed to the heart that this year there was no acorn harvest in our town; nevertheless I send your highness about half a peck, which I gathered one by one upon the mountain, and went thither on purpose: I could find none larger, though I wish they were as big as ostrich eggs.

‘I hope your pomposity will not forget to write to me, and I will take care to send an answer, giving an account of my own health, and of every thing that may be worth mentioning from this place, where I remain praying to our Lord that he will preserve your grace, without forgetting me. My daughter Sanchica and my son kiss your honour’s hand: and this is all at present from her who had much rather see your grace, than subscribe herself, your humble servant,

‘TERESA PANZA.’

Great was the satisfaction which all the hearers received from this letter of Teresa Panza, though the greatest share fell to the duke and duchess; and her grace asked Don Quixote, whether or not he thought it would be proper to open the letter directed for the governor, which she imagined must be excellent in its kind. The knight said he would open it, to oblige her grace; and having done so, found the contents to this purpose.

TERESA PANZA’S LETTER TO HER HUSBAND SANCHO PANZA.

‘I received thy letter, dear Sancho of my soul, and I promise and swear to thee, on the faith of a catholick christian, I was within two fingers breadth of running mad with joy; and take notice, brother, when I heard thou wast a governor, I had like to have dropped down dead with pure pleasure; for thou knowest they say, sudden joy kills as well as deadly sorrow: thy daughter Sanchica scattered her water about insensibly, out of mere satisfaction: thy hunting-suit lay before me, the string of corals sent by my lady duchess was tied round my neck, the letters were in my hand, and the messenger in my presence; and yet, I imagined and believed, that all I saw and handled was a dream; for who could conceive that a goatherd should come to be governor of islands? Thou know’st, my friend, that my mother said, One must live long to see a great deal: this I mention, because I hope to see more if I live longer; for I do not intend to stop, until I see thee a farmer, or collector of the revenue; offices which, though they carry those who abuse them to the devil, are, in short, always bringing in the penny.

‘My lady duchess will tell thee how desirous I am of going to court: consider of it, and let me know thy pleasure; for I will endeavour to do thee honour there, by riding in my coach.

‘The curate, barber, batchelor, and even the sexton, cannot believe thou art a governor, and say the whole is a deception or matter of inchantment, like all the affairs of thy master Don Quixote. Sampson vows he will go in quest of thee, and drive this government out of thy head, as well as the madness out of Don Quixote’s scull: I say nothing, but laugh in my own sleeve, look at my beads, and contrive how to make thy hunting-suit into a gown and petticoat for our daughter. I have sent some acorns to my lady duchess, and I wish they were of gold: send me some strings of pearl, if they are in fashion in thy island. The news of our town are these: the widow of the hill has matched her daughter with a bungling painter, who came here and undertook all sorts of brush-work; the corporation employed him to paint his majesty’s arms over the door of the town house; he demanded two ducats for the job, and they paid him beforehand; but after he had laboured eight whole days, he produced nothing, and saying he could not hit upon such trifles, returned the money; and yet for all that, he married with the character of a good workman; true it is, he hath already laid aside the pencil, and taken up the spade, and goes to the field like a gentleman. Pedro de Lobo’s son has taken orders, and shaved his head, with intention to become a priest; and this circumstance being known by Minguilla, niece of Mingo Silvato, she is going to sue him upon promise of marriage: evil tongues scruple not to say she is with child by him; but this he positively denies. This year there are no olives, nor a drop of vinegar in the whole town. A company of soldiers marching this way, carried off three girls belonging to the village; but I will not tell thee who they are, because perhaps they will return, and then there will not be wanting husbands who will take them with all their faults. Sanchica, by making bone-lace, clears eight maravedis a day, which she keeps in a pipkin, to be a stock to her when she grows up: but now, that she is a governor’s daughter, thou wilt give her a portion without her working for it. The publick fountain is dried up. A thunder-bolt fell upon the pillory, and there may they always light! I expect an answer to this epistle, and thy resolution about my going to court: and so, God preserve thee more years than I have to live, or as many; for I should not chuse to leave thee behind me in this world. Thy faithful spouse,

‘TERESA PANZA.’

The letters were read with admiration, esteem, laughter, and applause; and the entertainment was crowned by the arrival of the courier who brought Sancho’s epistle to Don Quixote, which, being likewise recited in publick, rendered the governor’s folly extremely doubtful. The duchess retired, in order to be informed by the page of what had happened to him in Sancho’s village; and he recounted the particulars at large, without leaving one circumstance untold: he delivered the acorns, together with a cheese, which Teresa vouched for excellent, and even preferred to those of Tronchon. This the duchess received with excessive pleasure, in the enjoyment of which we will leave her grace, and relate in what manner concluded the government of the great Sancho Panza, the flower and mirrour of all insulary governors.

END OF BOOK III. PART II.

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