The Jests of Hierocles and Philagrius

Front matter

THE WITTOL SERIES I

One hundred twenty-five copies were printed This copy is number

THE JESTS OF HIEROCLES AND PHILAGRIUS NEWLY TRANSLATED FROM THE GREEK

Foreword

Foreword

WHEN Homer sings of the unquenchable laughter in which the gods indulged at their banquet upon Mount Olympus, one is naturally curious to learn the cause of their merriment. It comes with a sense of disappointment to find that it was the uncouth antics of the lamed and deformed Hephaestus that pleased the deities at their meal. It is said that Homer's gods and goddesses reflect the ideas and customs of his time, and if so, this is, then, an early instance of the employment of what was destined later to be the court fool.

It would be interesting to trace the development of the idea which finds the sight of physical deformity humorous; it evidently belongs to the childhood of the race, judging from those who see in children the expression of the various stages through which mankind has passed in its growth in civilization. The child, before it begins to reflect, can see something amusing in a hunch-back or cross-eyed person, whereas in later years pity and compassion take the place of the unconscious cruelty caused by laughter at physical defects. A nation's state of civilization and morals may be inferred to a certain extent by what it considers humorous. It is no wonder, therefore, that a people who revelled in the bloody exhibitions of the amphitheatre could find the sight of physical mutilation or painful suffering sufficiently amusing to preserve such anecdotes in their collections of facetiæ. To the modem mind there is nothing to laugh at in the section of this work dealing with the unfortunate people of Abdera or the eunuchs, or the ruptured.

Next to the deformed person as a means of exciting laughter, may be placed the wittol, the natural fool who blunders through life because of his taking everything literally, who never seems to gain any knowledge by experience and who apparently never uses his reason. The stories about wittols are to be found in nearly every language and form what might be called folk-humour. These stories tend to group themselves about some one class or individual in the community, or are attributed to the inhabitants of certain localities. The class that is most held up to ridicule is the book-learned who through much devotion to study of the abstract become impractical in matters connected with daily life. The Panshatantra says, "They who seek wisdom only from books, without a knowledge of the ways of the world, are but learned fools, and reap the world's contempt."

The Greek jests about the wittols or pedants have long passed under the name of Hierocles, an Alexandrian philosopher of the Pythagorean school, who flourished in the fifth century, That these jests are old there can be no doubt whatever; that they were originated or collected by Hierocles is more than doubtful. Some we know are much older, and in the works where found are attributed to still more ancient times. It has been suggested that there is a possibility of their origin going back to the early Egyptians. That the Egyptians had an idea of the humorous is shown by some of the grotesque delineations at Thebes which have been pointed out by Wilkinson in his work on Manners and Customs of the Ancient Egyptians, and quoted by Wright in his History of Caricature. We may still hope that some time a papyrus roll belonging to an Egyptian Joe Miller may be unearthed which will tell us something about the beginnings of humour. These jests were attributed to Hierocles because several were appended to the manuscript of his Commentary on the Golden Words of Pythagoras. Twenty-eight only are thus found together with those in the fragments of his other works, edited with Latin translations in 1709 by John Needham. A larger collection was published in 1869 by Alfred Eberhard of Berlin under the title Philogelos, Hieroclis et Philagrii Facetiæ and included stories of the people of Abdera, Sidonia, Cumæ, etc. For his edition, Eberhard drew upon the labours of Boissonade and Pontanus and also upon three manuscripts of the fifteenth century. The reader will observe from the repetition of several of the stories that Eberhard combined his sources into this one book. Although the elements contained in this collection are of evident antiquity, the texts of the stories date from the ninth century. The edition of Eberhard has been used for this translation. The stories are not all concerned with wittols, but it was thought better to present the whole book rather than to make a selection. Had the translator consulted his own tastes many of the facetiæ would have been left in the decent obscurity of the original Greek.

These stories seem to have come into the popular facetiæ of Europe through the churchmen of the Middle Ages and, having long circulated orally, passed into literature. In them are found the indirect originals of the blunders and bulls that are ascribed to the Irishman or the Scotchman who has nowadays taken the place of the pedant.

In reading them in the original or in this translation, many seem to have a very modern flavour, and causes one to wonder what it is that gives them their perennial freshness, especially when transferred to other peoples and decked out with modem dressing and local colouring. It is the old inherent tendency to laugh at other people's mistakes and awkwardness, looking at them from an assumed position of superiority. Some one before Sidney Smith said that humour resulted from the juxtaposition of incongruous ideas, and although there are many incongruous ideas in these pre-Hibernian bulls yet this definition does not sufficiently explain their ability to still amuse.

In 1803 Sidney Smith, in a review of Edgeworth's Essay on Irish Bulls, says,

How far these Greek facetiæ agree with this definition is left to the reader to judge.

So far as can be learned this is the first complete translation into English of the Philogelos. A few jests were translated in 1741 and published in the Gentleman's Magazine for that year. These have been attributed by Lowndes to Dr. Samuel Johnson, and are to be found in an appendix to this work. They form an interesting Johnson item which many bibliographers have overlooked. Doctor Johnson was a contributor to the magazine at that time and if they were not translated by him, they well might have been, judging from their ponderous and involved style which takes the real point out of the joke. W. A. Clouston published twenty-nine of these stories in The Book of Noodles in 1888 but they were freely rendered and in several there are mistakes that would lead one to believe that he borrowed them from some other translation. A long time since, two or three were printed in a handbook of an- cient literature as spedmens of classic wit. These were evidently derived from Harkness's Elementary Greek Reader published about forty years ago. This exhausts the list of translations so far as the writer has been able to trace.

The text of many of these facetiæ is very corrupt, as will be seen from several of Eberhard's comments in the notes, and replete with post-classical and transliterated Latin words; at times the lexicon failed completely and the meanings had to be derived from the Latin notes and emendations suggested by previous editors of the text.

Acknowledgment is here made to Professor Harold N. Fowler, Ph.D., of the College for Women, Western Reserve University, and Professor Barker Newhall, Ph.D., of Kenyon College, who kindly allowed the first drafts of the translation to be read to them and who made valuable suggestions in the rendering of obscure passages.

This volume is the first of a series of books dealing with the wittols of various countries, a collection which has never before been brought together and which it is hoped will prove acceptable to the members of the Rowfant Club.

C. C. B.

Cleveland, August 1, 1919.

The Pedants

The Jests of Hierocles and Philagrius

The Jests of Hierocles and Philagrius

The Pedants

1

A pedant ordered a silversmith to make a lamp and when the latter enquired how large he should make it, he replied, "Large enough for eight men."

2

A pedant whilst swimming almost choked to death. He made an oath that he would not go into the water again until he had first learned to swim well.

3

A certain person coming to a pedant who was a physician said, "Doctor, when I awake from sleep I have a dizziness for half an hour and then I recover." The physician replied, "Get up after the half hour."

4

A certain person asked a pedant, who had a horse for sale, if it had thrown once (i.e. shed its first teeth, or was mature). When the latter answered that it had thrown twice, he asked, "How is that?" The pedant replied, "Once when he threw me and once when he threw my father."

5

A certain person meeting a pedant said, "Master Pedant, I dreamed I met you." "By the gods," he replied, "I was so busy I did not notice it."

6

A pedant seeing his family physician approaching, hid from him. Upon being asked by one of his companions why he did this, he replied, "I have not been ill for such a long time that I am ashamed to meet him."

7

A physician gave orders to a pedant who had an operation on his throat that he should not talk. He directed his servant to welcome visitors instead of himself. Then he said to each one, "You will not take this as an insult if my servant greets you instead of myself, for the doctor has forbidden me to talk."

8

A pedant desiring to capture a mouse that was gnawing his books used to sit in the dark holding a piece of meat in his mouth.

9

A pedant desiring to teach his ass to go without eating did not give him any provender. When the ass died from hunger he exclaimed, "I have suffered a great loss, for when he had learned not to eat he died."

10

A pedant who had a horse for sale was asked if it were not timid. He replied, "No, by my father's salvation, for he has only stood in the stable."

11

A pedant desiring to see how he looked when asleep stood with closed eyes before his mirror.

12

A friend said to a pedant who was going on a journey, "I wish you to purchase for me two slave boys of fifteen years each." He replied, "If I do not find such, I shall buy for you one of thirty years."

13

Two pedants were complaining to each other because their fathers were living. One of them asked, "What do you wish? Shall each one strangle his own father?" "By no means," replied the other, "lest we be called parricides. But if you are willing, you shall slay my father, and I will kill yours."

14

A pedant having bought a house and looking out of the window asked the passers-by if the house were becoming to him.

15

A pedant dreamed that he had stepped on a nail and bound up his foot. A friend asking the reason and upon learning it, said, "We are justly called fools because we sleep with bare feet."

16

A pedant was looking for his book for many days but could not find it. By chance as he was eating lettuces and turned a certain corner he saw the book lying there. Later meeting a friend who was lamenting the loss of his girdle, he said, "Do not worry but buy some lettuces and eat them at the corner, when you turn it and go a little ways you will find it."

17

A friend who was going abroad wrote to a pedant that he should buy certain books for him. But he neglected the commission and meeting the friend on his return, he said, "The letter which you sent concerning the books has not been received."

18

A certain person meeting a pedant said, "The slave you sold me died." "By the gods," replied the other, "he never did such a thing when he was with me."

19

A pedant seeing a flock of sparrows perching in a tree, spread out his cloak and shook the tree as though the sparrows would fall.

20

Two pedants after supper out of politeness escorted one another home in turn and so did not get any sleep.

21

A pedant desiring to sleep and not having a pillow ordered his servant to place a jar under his head. When the servant said that it was hard, he commanded him to stuff it with feathers.

22

A pedant meeting a certain friend said, "I heard that you were dead." He replied, "But you see me alive." The pedant answered, "I assure you that he who told me was much more worthy of belief than you."

23

A pedant, entering the bath when it was first opened and finding no one within, said to his servant, "As far as I can see the bath does not wash!"

24

A pedant was quarrelling with his father and said to him, "You wicked fellow, do you not understand how much injury you have done to me? If you had never been born I should have inherited my grandfather's estate."

25

A pedant was on a voyage when a severe storm arose and his slaves were crying out. "Do not weep," he said, "for I have given you all your liberty in my will."

26

A pedant was seeking a spot where he might build a tomb for himself. When some one said that a certain situation was good, he replied, "But the place is unhealthy."

27

A sick pedant bargained with a physician to give him a fee if he should cure him. When his wife found fault with him for drinking wine in a fever, he said, "Do you wish me to be cured so that I shall be obliged to give the physician a reward?"

28

A pedant's dog bit his thumb. He said, "If he had laid hold of my cloak he would have torn it."

29

One of twin brothers died and a pedant meeting the survivor asked him, "Did you die, or was it your brother?"

30

A pedant about to go on a voyage asked for his tablets in order that he might write his will. Seeing his slaves lamenting be- cause of the danger, he said, "Do not grieve, for I have freed you."

31

A pedant desiring to cross a river went on board the ferry-boat on his horse. Being asked why he did not dismount, he replied, "I am in a hurry to get over."

32

A pedant who had been invited to a banquet did not eat and being asked by one of the guests, "Why do you not eat?" he replied, "Lest I seem to be here for the sake of eating."

33

A pedant's little boy was playing ball when the ball fell into a well. Leaning over and seeing his reflection, he asked for the ball. Next he complained to his father that it was not returned. And he, leaning over the well and seeing his reflection, demanded the ball. "You who live down there," he said, "give the ball to the boy."

34

A pedant visiting a sick friend asked about the disease. When the latter did not reply, he became angry. "I hope to be ill," he said, "and I shall not reply to you."

35

A pedant having purchased a stolen amphora covered it with pitch in order that it might not be recognized.

36

A pedant used to ask the price of the clothing of the people he met. When his father heard of this from some friends and blamed him, he replied, "Father, you have been persuaded by slander and not by a man." When he said, "Such a one told me." "And did you," he answered, "give heed to that one who does not possess a cloak worth fifty drachmas?"

37

A pedant was selling a horse and when some one came and observed closely the condition of its teeth, he said, "Why do you examine his teeth? I wish that he might trot as well as he eats."

38

A pedant whose old father was very ill asked his friends to wear chaplets at the funeral. On the following day he was better and the friends being annoyed, he said, "I am ashamed that you are disappointed. To-morrow wear the chaplets for I shall bury him as he is."

39

Two pedants were walking together and one of them perceiving a black hen, said, "Brother, perhaps her cock is dead."

40

A pedant who had lost a small son by death seeing many people coming to the funeral on account of his position, said, "I am ashamed to bring forth such a little boy before such a large company."

41

A pedant having a house to sell carried about a stone from it to show as a sample.

42

Two pedants were out walking when one dropped behind a little to attend to an urgent matter. Finding written upon a mile-stone by the other, "Overtake me," he wrote, "And do you wait for me?"

43

A pedant hearing several people remarking that "Your beard is coming," went to the gate to meet it. A companion asking the reason and having learned it, said, "We are rightly called fools, for how do you know if it did not come through the other gate?"

44

A pedant who slept with his father used to stand up in his bed at night and eat the grapes that were hanging from above. On one occasion after he had arisen, his father who had hidden the lamp under a jar, displayed the light unexpectedly, and the pedant standing upright began to snore, pretending to be asleep.

44 b

Another person who was going away wrote to a pedant that he should buy him some books. But he regarded the request lightly and said to him on his return, "I did not receive your letter which you sent concerning the books."

45

A pedant visited his mother by night and being beaten for this by his father, he said, "It is only a short time since you were with my mother and you suffered nothing from me, and now you are angry at finding me once with my mother."

46

An agent reported to a pedant that the river had taken away a place of his. And he making an outcry, replied, saying, "It is overpowering us."

47

A pedant after a space of time came near his field and saw the cattle going out to pasture. Perceiving them bleating as is their custom, he asked the reason. The steward jestingly said, "They are welcoming you." The pedant replied, "Give them my kind regards, and because I have a vacation do not drive them to pasture for three days."

48

A pedant was tying on some new sandals. When they squeaked he paused and said, "Do not squeak or you will injure your two legs."

49

A pedant beholding the moon asked his father whether other cities also possessed moons.

50

A pedant who was a money lender told a sailor, one of his debtors, to furnish him with a cinerary urn and also for his eight year old boys two slave girls of the right size with allowance for growth.

51

A pedant seeing in his field a deep well asked if the water were good. When the farmers answered that, "It is good, for your ancestors drank from it." He replied, "And what long necks they must have had in order to drink from such depths."

52

A pedant having fallen into a pit called out continually to summon help. When no one answered, he said to himself, "I am a fool if I do not give all a beating when I get out in order that in the future they shall answer me and furnish me with a ladder."

53

A pedant was dining with his father when some large lettuces having many tender sprouts were placed before them. Said he, "You, father, eat the children, and I will eat the mother."

54

A pedant was writing to his father from Athens and being vain because he had been educated, he added, "I pray you to seek to be the defendant in a trial for your life in order that I may show you the public speaker."

55

A shrewd pedant being in great straits on account of expenses sold his books and writing to his father, he said, "Congratulate me, for already my books support me."

56

A pedant and a bald headed man and a barber were travelling together and pitching camp in a wild section they agreed that each one should stay awake four hours and guard their possessions. It fell to the barber to watch first. Desiring to play a trick, he shaved the head of the sleeping pedant, and his watch being finished, he woke up the latter. The pedant rubbing his head on awakening and finding himself bare, he said, "What a worthless fellow is that barber, he has made a mistake and wakened the bald-headed man instead of myself."

57

A father advised a pedant who had a child horn to him of a slave woman to do away with the child. He replied, "First bury your own children before you advise me to destroy mine."

58

A pedant had entered a bath and the attendant poured some warm water over his feet. "You good-for-nothing," he exclaimed, "do you pour warm water over a cold man?" (This means also, silly person, a cool knave).

59

A pedant having heard from someone that he dined on a good, fat, gamey bird, went to the poulterer and said, "Kill for me a gamey bird."

60

A pedant having an estate many miles away in order to make it nearer he destroyed seven milestones.

61

A pedant who was a hedge schoolmaster having looked of a sudden towards the corner, cried, "Dionysius is disorderly in the corner." When someone said that he had not come, he replied, "When he does come."

62

A pedant was at the annual games which every thousand years are held in Rome, and seeing an athlete who had been beaten giving vent to his grief, he spoke cheering words and said, "Do not grieve, you will win in the next thousand year contest."

63

A pedant went to walk with a guide who was blind in his right eye and when he had gone out into the vineyard and praised the grapes on the right side, "When we come back," he said, "those on the other side will please you also."

64

A pedant had purchased a pair of breeches and since they were very tight and he had difficulty in getting into them, he pulled all the hair off himself.

65

A son of a pedant being sent to battle by his father promised to return bringing the head of one of the foes. He replied, "Even though I see you coming without any head I shall be glad."

66

A pedant seeing in the river a ship filled with grain and drawing a great deal of water, said, "If the river should rise a little the boat would be sunk."

67

A pedant having returned from a trip abroad and meeting his father-in-law was asked by the latter how his school-fellow was getting on. He replied, "It is very well with him; he is in good spirits for he has buried his wife's father."

68

A pedant having written out a legal document about a certain matter read it in public. When his advocate said that he did an extraordinary thing in making known to his opponents the secret points of his case, he answered, "You scamp, am I saying anything about the essentials?"

69

A pedant visited the parents of a schoolfellow who had died. The father bewailing, said, "Child, thou hast distressed me," and the mother exclaimed, "Child, thou hast deprived me of the light of my eyes," the pedant remarked to his companions, "If these things have been done by him, he should be cremated even if he were living."

70

A pedant went away to visit a sick friend. When his wife said that "He is already departed," (i.e. dead), he replied, "If he comes back tell him that I called."

71

A pedant when he had received a pattern of length and breadth for a table cloth, bringing it into the house, looked at it and asked, "Which is length and which is breadth?"

72

A pedant was a guest at a wedding feast, when the time came for withdrawing he said, "I pray you may be fortunate and that you may always do these things."

73

The same person said that the mauso- leum of Skrebonias was beautiful and very costly but was built in an unhealthy place.

74

A certain person meeting a pedant who had a very thin horse, said, "The horse is looking into the grave." The pedant replied, "And so am I."

75

A pedant who was ill became hungry and when four o'clock was not announced, disbelieving his servants, he ordered the sun-dial to be brought to him.

76

The priest upon giving the suppliant's olive branch to a pedant who was entering the temple of Serapis, said, "The god be propitious to you." He replied, "The god be propitious to my little pig for I do not need it."

77

A pedant had buried his son and meeting his teacher, he said, "Pray excuse it because my son did not go to school, he is dead."

78

A pedant had some valuable old paintings and was taking them from Corinth. Putting them in a ship he said to the owners of the boat, "If you lose these I shall demand new ones of you."

79

An attendant handed to a pedant a cup that was boiling over. The latter placed it upon the table, "Thus let it remain," he said, "until your teacher comes and may find it boiling."

80

A pedant was on a voyage and the boat was in danger from the storm; his fellow-passengers were throwing away their belongings in order that the boat might be lightened and he was exhorted to do the same. Having a bond of a hundred and fifty thousand drachams he expunged the fifty. "See," he said, "how much I have lightened the ship."

81

A pedant was on board a vessel when a storm arising his fellow-passengers began to call out. "Why are you so penurious?" he asked. "I, by having paid ten Attic drachmas more, sail at the captain's risk."

82

Some one threw a pot of filth over a pedant who had climbed a wall during a battle. Crying out, he exclaimed, "Are you not willing to strike me clean?"

83

A pedant as a boat went ashore in the river Rhine crouched under the deck of the boat and thought he was shoving it upwards.

84

The same said to the soldiers, "To-morrow it is necessary to make a long march, therefore to-day sit down as many times as possible."

85

A pedant had moved into a new house and wrote before the porch that had been cleaned, "Whoever throws filth here loses it."

86

A father was about to strike a pedant who had lost a denarius. He said, "Do not be angry and I will pay for the denarius from my possessions."

87

A pedant taking the character of a gladiator was playing before the house. Suddenly some one announced to him that his father was close by, he threw aside his weapon and undid his leggings. But his father arriving and standing by him, he opened a book and began to read still having the helmet on.

88

A pedant when he was going up a steep ascent on his way home was surprised and said, "When I came down here before it was a descent, how does it change so suddenly and become an ascent?"

89

A pedant whilst voyaging asked the helmsman what hour it was. Upon his replying that he did not know, he asked how long a time he had steered the boat. He answered three years. "How is it," he asked, "that I having bought a house six months before, when the sun comes into the court yard guess at the hour, but you are not able to reckon from the boat having steered it for such a long time?"

90

A pedant, a sophist, who was considered worthy to write epitaphs of the dead, wrote an epitaph of one still living who called upon him regarding this thing. He said, "Since you do not choose when you shall die, do you wish me to write off-hand in order to be put to shame?"

91

A pedant had invited his school-fellows to a banquet when they praised the pig's head and considered it worthy. The next day he arranged a banquet at his house, and going to the cook-shop, he said, "Give me another head of this pig, for the one yesterday pleased us very much."

92

A pedant asked his father, "How much does a five-cup flask hold?"

93

A pedant learning of some one about a ladder that it had twenty steps going up, asked if it had as many going down.

94

Several people were talking about indigestion, a pedant said he never suffered from indigestion. Being asked if he never regurgitated bitter or nauseous stuff, he replied, "I do this every day."