Cutter of Coleman-street

Front matter

CUTTER

OF

COLEMAN-STREET.

Preface

PREFACE.

A Comedy, called the Guardian, and made by me when I was very Young, was Acted formerly at Camebridge, and several times after privately during the troubles, as I am told, with good approbation, as it has been lately too at Dublin There being many things in it which I disliked, and finding my self for some dayes idle, and alone in the Countrey, I fell upon the changing of it almost wholly, as now it is, and as it was play'd since at his Royal Highness's Theatre under this New name. It met at the first representation with no favourable reception, and I think there was something of Faction against it, by the early appearance of some mens disapprobation before they had seen enough of it to build their dislike upon their Judgment. Afterwards it got some ground, and found Friends as well as Adversarys. In which condition I should willingly let it dye, if the main imputations under which it suffered, had been shot only against my Wit or Art in these matters, and not directed against the tenderest parts of human reputation, good Nature, good Manners, and Piety it self. The first clamour which some malitious persons raised, and made a great noise with, was, That it was a piece intended for abuse and Satyre against the Kings party. Good God! Against the Kings party? After having served it twenty years during all the time of their misfortunes and afflictions, I must be a very rash and imprudent person if I chose out that of their Restitution to begin a Quarrel with them. I must be too much a Madman to be trusted with such an Edg'd Tool as Comedy. But first, why should either the whole party (as it was once distinguisht by that name, which I hope is abolisht now by Universal Loyalty) or any man of virtue or honour in it, believe themselves injured or at all concerned, by the representation of the faults and follies of a few who in the General division of the Nation had crowded in among them? In all mixt numbers (which is the case of Parties) nay, in the most entire and continued Bodies there are often some degenerate and corrupted parts, which may be cast away from that, and even cut off from this Unity, without any infection of scandal to the remaining Body. The Church of Rome with all her arrogance, and her wide pretences of certainty in all truths, and exemption from all Errors, does not clap on this enchanted Armour of Infallibility upon all her particular Subjects, nor is offended at the reproof even of her greatest Doctors. We are not, I hope, become such Puritans our selves as to assume the Name of the Congregation of the Spotless. It is hard for any Party to be so Ill as that no Good, Impossible to be so Good as that no Ill should be found among them. And it has been the perpetual privilege of Satyre and Comedy to pluck their vices and follies though not their Persons out of the Sanctuary of any Title. A Cowardly ranting Souldier, an Ignorant Charlatanical Doctor, a foolish Cheating Lawyer, a silly Pedantical Scholar, hav, alwayes been, and still are the Principal Subjects of all Comedye without any scandal given to those Honourable Professions, or ever taken by their severest Professors; And, if any good Physician or Divine should be offended with me here for inveighing against a Quack, or for finding Deacon Soaker too often in the Butteryes, my respect and reverence to their callings would make me troubled at their displeasure, but I could not abstain from taking them for very Cholerique and Quarrelsome persons. What does this therefore amount to, if it were true which is objected? But it is far from being so; for the representation of two Sharks about the Town (fellows merry and Ingenious enough, and therefore admitted into better companyes than they deserve, yet withall too very scoundrels, which is no unfrequent Character at London) the representation I say of these as Pretended Officers of the Royal Army, was made for no other purpose but to show the World, that the vices and extravagancies imputed vulgarly to the Cavaliers, were really committed by Aliens who only usurped that name, and endeavoured to cover the reproach of their Indigency or Infamy of their Actions with so honourable a Title. So that the business was not here to correct or cut off any natural branches, though never so corrupted or Luxuriant, but to separate and cast away that vermine which by sticking so close to them had done great and considerable prejudice both to the Beauty and Fertility of the Tree; And this is as plainly said, and as often inculcated as if one should write round about a Signe, This is a Dog, this is a Dog, out of over-much caution lest some might happen to mistake it for a Lyon, Therefore when this Calumny could not hold (for the case is cleer, and will take no colour) Some others sought out a subtiler hint to traduce me upon the same score, and were angry that the person whom I made a true Gentleman, and one both of considerable Quality and Sufferings in the Royal party, should not have a fair and noble Character throughout, but should submit in his great extremities to wrong his Niece for his own Relief. This is a refined exception, such as I little foresaw, nor should with the dulness of my usual Charity, have found out against another man in twenty years. The truth is, I did not intend the Character of a Hero, one of exemplary virtue, and as Homer often terms such men, Unblameable, but an ordinary jovial Gentleman, commonly called a Good Fellow, one not so conscientious as to sterve rather than do the least Injury, and yet endowed with so much sense of Honour as to refuse when that necessity was removed, the gain of five thousand pounds which he might have taken from his Niece by the rigour of a Forfeiture; And let the frankness of this latter generosity so expiate for the former frailty, as may make us not ashamed of his Company, for if his true Metal be but equal to his Allay, it will not indeed render him one of the Finest sorts of men, but it will make him Current, for ought I know, in any party that ever yet was in the World. If you be to choose parts for a Comedy out of any noble or elevated rank of persons, the most proper for that work are the worst of that kind. Comedy is humble of her Nature, and has alwayes been bred low, so that she knows not how to behave her self with the great or the accomplisht. She does not pretend to the brisk and bold Qualities of Wine, but to the Stomachal Acidity of Vinegar, and therefore is best placed among that sort of people which the Romans call The Lees of Romulus. If I had designed here the celebration of the Virtues of our Friends, I would have made the Scene nobler where I intended to erect their Statues. They should have stood in Odes, and Tragedies, and Epique Poems, (neither have I totally omitted those greater testimonies of my esteem of them) Sed nunc non erat his Locus, &c. And so much for this little spiny objection which a man cannot see without a Magnifying Glass. The next is enough to knock a man down, and accuses me of no less than Prophaness. Prophane, to deride the Hypocrisie of those men whose skuls are not yet bare upon the Gates since the publique and just punishment of it? But there is some imitation of Scripture Phrases; God forbid; There is no representation of the true face of Scripture, but only of that Vizard which these Hypocrites (that is, by interpretation Actors with a Vizard) draw upon it. It is Prophane to speak of Harrisons return to Life again, when some of his friends really profest their belief of it, and he himself had been said to promise it? A man may be so imprudently scrupulous as to find prophaness in any thing either said or written by applying it under some similitude or other to some expressions in Scripture. This nicety is both vain and endless. But I call God to witness, that rather than one tittle should remain among all my writings which according to my severest judgment should be found guilty of the crime objected, I would myself burn and extinguish them all together. Nothing is so detestably lewd and rechless as the derision of things sacred, and would be in me more unpardonable than any man else, who have endeavoured to root out the ordinary weeds of Poetry, and to plant it almost wholly with Divinity. I am so far from allowing any loose or irreverent expressions in matters of that Religion which I believe, that I am very tender in this point even for the grossest errors of Conscientious persons, They are the properest object (me thinks) both of our pitty and Charity too; They are the innocent and white Sectaries, in comparison of another kind who engraft Pride upon Ignorance, Tyranny upon Liberty, and upon all their Heresies, Treason and Rebellion. These are Principles so destructive to the Peace and Society of Mankind that they deserve to be persued by our serious Hatred, and the putting a Mask of Sanctity upon such Devils is do Ridiculous, that it ought to be exposed to contempt and laughter. They are indeed Prophane, who counterfeit the softness of the voyce of Holiness to disguize the roughness of the hands of Impiety, and not they who with reverence to the thing which the others dissemble, deride nothing but their Dissimulation. If some piece of an admirable Artist should be ill Copyed even to ridiculousness by an ignorant hand, and another Painter should undertake to draw that Copy, and make it yet more ridiculous, to shew apparently the difference of the two works, and deformity of the latter, will not every man see plainly that the abuse is intended to the foolish Imitation, and not to the Excellent Original? I might say much more to confute and confound this very false and malitious accusation, but this is enough I hope to cleer the matter, and is I am afraid too much for a Preface to a work of so little consideration. As for all other objections which have been or may be made against the Invention or Elocution, or any thing else which comes under the Critical Jurisdiction, let it stand or fall as it can answer for it self, for I do not lay the great stress of my Reputation upon a Structure of this Nature, much less upon the slight Reparations only of an Old and unfashionable Building. There is no Writer but may fail sometimes in point of Wit, and it is no less frequent for the Auditors to fail in point of Judgment. I perceive plainly by dayly experience that Fortune is Mistris of the Theatre, as Tully sayes it is of all popular Assemblies. No man can tell sometimes from whence the Invisible winds arise that move them. There are a multitude of people who are truly and onely Spectators at a play, without any use of their Understanding, and these carry it sometimes by the strength of their Number. There are others who use their Understanding too much, who think it a sign of weakness or stupidity to let any thing pass by them unattaqued, and that the Honour of their Judgment (as some Brutals imagine of their Courage) consists in Quarrelling with every thing. We are therefore wonderfull wise men, and have a fine business of it, we who spend our time in Poetry, I do sometimes laugh, and am often angry with my self when I think on it, and if I had a Son inclined by Nature to the same folly, I believe I should bind him from it, by the strictest conjurations of a paternal Blessing. For what can be more ridiculous than to labour to give men delight, whilst they labour on their part more earnestly to take offence? to expose ones self voluntarily and frankly to all the dangers of that narrow passage to unprofitable Fame, which is defended by rude multitudes of the Ignorant, and by armed Troops of the Malitious? If we do ill many discover it and all despise us, if we do well but few men find it out, and fewer entertain it kindly. If we commit errors there is no parson, if we could do wonders there would be but little thanks, and that too extorted from unwilling Givers. But some perhaps may say, Was it not alwayes thus? Do you expect a particular privilege that was never yet enjoyed by any Poet? were the ancient Græcian, or noble Roman Authors, was Virgil himself exempt from this Passibility, Qui melior multis quam tu fuit, Improbe, rebus, Who was in many things thy better far, Thou impudent Pretender? As was said by Lucretius to a person who took it ill that he was to Dye, though he had seen so many do it before him who better deserved Immortality; and this is to repine at the natural condition of a Living Poet, as he did at that of a Living Mortal. I do not only acknowledge the Præ-eminence of Virgil (whose Footsteps I adore) but submit to many of his Roman Brethren, and I confess that even they in their own times were not secure from the assaults of Detraction (though Horace brags at last, Jam dente minùs mordeor invido) but then the Barkings of a few were drown'd in the Applause of all the rest of the World, and the Poison of their Bitings extiguisht by the Antidote of great rewards, and great encouragements, which is a way of curing now out of use, and I really profess that I neither expect, nor think I deserve it. Indolency would serve my turn instead of Pleasure; But the case is not so well; for though I comfort my self with some assurance of the favour and affection of very many candid and good natured (and yet too judicious and even Critical) persons, yet this I do affirm, that from all which I have written I never received the least benefit, or the least advantage, but on the contrary have felt sometimes the effects of Malice and Misfortune.

The Prologue

THE PROLOGUE.

As when the Midland Sea is no where clear From dreadfull Fleets of Tunis and Argier, Which coast about, to all they meet with Foes, And upon which nought can be got but Blowes, The Merchand Ships so much their passage doubt, That, though full-freighted, none dares venture out, And Trade dacayes, and Scarcity ensues; Just so the timerous Wits of late refuse, Though laded, to put forth upon the Stage, Affrighted by the Critiques of this age. It is a Party numerous, watchfull, bold; They can from nought, which sailes in sight, with-hold. Nor doe their cheap, though mortal, Thunder spare; They shoot, alas, with Wind-gunns, charg'd with Air. But yet, Gentlemen Critiques of Argier, For your own int'rest I'de advise ye here To let this little Forlorn Hope goe by Safe and untoucht; That must not be (you'l cry) If ye be wise, it must; Ile tell yee why. There are Seven, Eight, Nine,—stay—there are behind Ten Playes at least, which wait but for a Wind, And the glad News that we the Enemy miss, And those are all your own, if you spare This. Some are but new trim'd up, others quite New, Some by known Shipwrights built, and others too By that great Author made, who ere he be, That stiles himself Person of Qualitie. All these, if we miscarry here to day, Will rather till they Rot in th' Harbour stay, Nay they will back again, though they were come, Ev'n to their last safe Rode, to Tyring room.

Therefore again I say, if you be wise, Let this for once pass free; let it suffise That we your Soveraing power here to avow, Thus humbly ere we pass, strike sail to You.

<>Added at Court.

Stay Gentlemen; what I have said, was all But forc'd submission, which I now recall. Ye're all but Pirats now again; for here Does the true Soveraign of the Seas appear. The Soveraign of these Narrow Seas of wit; 'Tis his own Thames; He knows and Governs it. 'Tis his Dominion, and Domain; as Hee Pleases, 'tis either Shut to us or Free. Not onely, if his Pasport we obtain, We fear no little Rovers of the Main, But if our Neptune his calm visage show, No Wave shall dare to Rise or Wind to Blow.

The Persons

THE PERSONS.

| Colonel Jolly | A Gentleman whose Estate was confiscated in the late troubles.

| Mistris Aurelia | His Daughter.

| Mistris Lucia | His Niece, left to his Tuition.

| Cutter | A merry sharking fellow about the Town, pretending to have been a Colonel in the Kings Army.

| Worm | His Companion, and such another fellow, pretending to have been a Captain.

| Mr. Puny | A young, rich, brisk Fop, pretending to extraordinary wit, Suter to Mistris Lucia.

| Mr. Truman Senior. | An old, testy, Covetous Gentleman.

| Mr. Truman Junior | His Son, in love with Mistris Lucia.

| Mistris Barebottle | A Sopeboylers widdow, who had bought Jollys Estate, A pretended Saint.

| Mistris Tabitha | Her Daughter.

| Mistris Jane | Mistris Lucias Maid, a little laughing Fop.

| Mr. Soaker | A little Fudling Deacon.

| Several Servants

Act 1: Scene 1

CUTTER

OF

COLEMAN-STREET.

Act 1. Scene 1.

<>Truman Junior. How hard, alas, is that young Lover's fate, Who has a father Covetous and Cholerique! What has he made me swear?— I dare not think upon the Oath, lest I should keep it—— Never to see my Mistris more, or hear her speak Without his leave; And farewel then the use Of Eyes and Ears;—— And all this Wickedness I submitted to, For fear of being Disinherited; For fear of losing Durt and Dross, I lose My Mistris—— There's a Lover! Fitter much For Hell than thousand perjuries could make him, Fit to be made th'Example which all Women

Should reproach Men with, when themselves grow false; Yet she, the good and charitable Lucia, With such a bounty as has onely been Practis'd by Heaven, and Kings inspir'd from thence, Forgives still, and still loves her perjur'd Rebel, I'le to my father strait, and swear to him Ten thousand Oathes ne'r to observe that wicked one Which he' has extorted from me—— Here he comes; And my weak heart, already us'd to falshood, Begins to waver.

Act 1: Scene 2

Scene 2.

<>Truman Senior, Truman Junior.

Trum. Sen. Well, Dick, you know what you swore to me yesterday, And solemnly.

I ha' been considering, and considering all Night, Dick, for your good, and me-thinks, supposing I were a young man again, and the case my own (for I love to be just in all things) me-thinks 'tis hard for a young man, I say, who has been a Lover so long as you ha' been, to break off on a suddain. Am I in the right or no, Dick? Do you mark me?

Trum. jun. Hard, Sir, 'tis harder much than any death Prolong'd by Tortures.

Trum. Sen. Why so I thought; and therefore out o' my care for your ease, I have hit upon an Expedient that I think will salve the matter!

Trum. jun. And I will thank you for it more, Sir, Than for the life you gave me.

Trum. sen. Why! well said, Dick, and I'me glad with all my Heart, I thought upon't; in brief, 'tis this, Dick; I ha' found out another Mistris for you.

Trum. jun. Another? Heaven forbid, Sir!

Trum. sen. I; Another, Good-man Jack Sawce; marry come up; Wo'nt one o' my choosing serve your turn, as well As one o' your own; sure I'me the older man,

Jack Sawce, and should be the Wiser!

Trum. Jun. But Nature, Sir, that's wiser than all Mankind, Is Mistris in the choice of our affections, Affections are not rais'd from outward Reasons, But inward Sympathies.

Trum. sen. Very well, Dick, if you be a dutiful son to me, you shall have a good Estate, and so has she; There's Sympathy for you now; but I perceive You'r hankring still after Mrs. Lucy, Do, do! forswear your self; do, damn your self, and be a beggar too; sure I would never undo my self, by perjury; if I had a mind to go to hell, Cromwel should make me a Lord for't! I, and one of his Councel too, I'de never be damn'd for nothing, for a Whim∣wham in a Coif. But to be short, The person I design for you is Mrs. Tabith Baarebottle, our neighbour the Widow's daughter. What do you start at, Sirra? I, Sirra, Jack an-apes, if you start when your father speaks to you.

Trum. Jun. You did not think her father once I'me sure A person fit for your Alliance, when he plundred your House in Hartfordshire, and took away the very Hop-poles, pretending they were Arms too.

Trum. sen. He was a very Rogue, that's the Truth on't, as to the business between man and man, but as to God-ward he was always counted an Upright man, and very devout. But that's all one, I'me sure h'as rais'd a fine Estate out o' nothing by his Industry in these Times: An' I had not been a Beast too—— but Heaven's will be done, I could not ha' don't with a good conscience. Well, Dick, I'le go talk with her mother about this matter, and examine fully what her Estate is, for unless it prove a good one, I tell you true, Dick, I'me o' your Opinion, not to marry such a Rogues daughter.

Trum. Jun. I beseech you, Sir—— >>>Exit Trum: sen. It is in vain to speak to him—— Though I to save this Dung-hill an Estate Have done a Crime like theirs, Who have abjur'd their King for the same cause, I will not yet, like them, persue the guilt, And in thy place, Lucia my lawful Soverain, Set up a low and scandalous Usurper!

<>Enter Servant.

Serv. 'Tis well the old man's just gone. There's a Gentlewoman without, Sir, desires to speak one word with you.

Trum. Jun. With me? who is't?

Serv. It should be Mrs. Lucia by her voice, Sir, but she's veil'd all over. Will you please to see her, Sir?

Trum. Will I see her, Blockhead? yes; go out and kneel to her And pray her to come in. >>>(Exit Serv.)

Act 1: Scene 3

Scene 3.

<>Lucia (veil'd) Truman.

Trum. This is a favour, Madam! That I as little hop'd, as I am able To thank you for it—— But why all this muffling? Why a disguise, my Dearest, between us? Unless to increase, my desire first, and then my joy to see thee Thou cast this subtil night before thy beauty. And now like one scorch'd with some raging Feaver, Upon whose flames no dew of sleep has faln, I do begin to quarrel with the Darkness, And blame the sloathful rising of the Morn, And with more joy shall welcome it, than they Whose Icy dwellings the cold Bear o're-looks, When after half the years Winter and Night, Day and the Spring at once salutes their sight! Thus it appears, thus like thy matchless beauty, >>>offers to pull off the Veil. When this black Clowd is vanish'd. Why d'e you shrink back, my Dearest? I prethee let me look a little on thee: 'Tis all the pleasure Love has yet allow'd me, And more than Nature does in all things else. At least speak to me; well may I call it Night When Silence too thus joyns it self with Darkness. Ha! I had quite forgot the cursed Oath I made—— Pish! what's an Oath forc'd from a Lovers Tongue? 'Tis not recorded in Heaven's dreadful book,

But scatter'd loosely by the breath that made it, Away with it; to make it was but a Rashness, To keep it were a Sin—— Dear Madam—— >>>Offers agen, but she refuses, & gives him a Note Ha! let's see this then first!

You know I have forgiven your unkind Oath to your >>>He reads. Father, and shall never suffer you to be perjur'd. I come onely to let you know, that the Physician and the 'Pothecary will do this morning what we propos'd, be ready at hand, if there should be occasion for your presence, I dare not stay one minute. Farewel. Now thousand Angels wait upon thee, Lucia, And thousand Blessings upon all thou do'st. Let me but kiss your hand, And I'le dismiss you. Ah cruel father, when thou mad'st the Oath, Thou little thought'st that thou had'st left Such blessings for me out of it. >>>Exeunt.

Act 1: Scene 4

Scene 4.

<>Colonel Jolly, Will (his Man.) >>>Col. Jolly in an Indian Gown and Night-cap. Joll. Give me the Pills; what said the Doctor, Will?

Will. He said a great deal, Sir, but I was not Doctor enough to understand half of it.

Joll. A man may drink, he says, for all these Bawbles?

Will. He's ill advised if he give your Worship drinking Pills, for when you were drinking last together, a Fit took you to beat the Doctor, which your Worship told him was a new Disease.

Joll. He was drunk then himself first, and spoke False Latin, which becomes a Doctor worse than a beating. But he does not remember that, I hope, now?

Will. I think he does, Sir, for he says the Pills Are to purge Black Choler!

Joll. I, Melancholy; I shall ha' need of them then, for my old Purger of Melancholy, Canary, will grow too dear for me shortly; my own Estate was sold for being with the King at Oxford. A Curse upon an old Dunce that needs must be going to Oxford at my years! My good Neighbor, I thank him, Collonel Fear-the

Lord-Barebottle, a Saint and a Sope-boyler, bought it; But he's dead, and boiling now himself, that's the best of't; There's a Cavalier's comfort! If his damnable Wife now would marry me, it would return again, as I hope all things will at last; and even that too were as hard a Composition for ones own, as ever was made at Habberdashers-Hall; but hang her, she'l ha' none o' me, unless I were True Rich and Counterfeit Godly; let her go to her husband; (so much for that—— It does not go down so glib as an Egg in Muskadine) Now when my Nieces Portion too goes out o' my hands, which I can keep but till a handsome Wench of eighteen pleases to marry (a pitiful slender Tenure that's the truth on't) I ha' nothing to do but to live by Plots for the King, or at least to be hang'd by 'em. (So, go thou too) well, something must be done, unless a man could get true Gems by drinking, or like a Mouse in a Cheese, make himself a house by eating. Will, did you send for Colonel Cutter and Captain Worm, to come and keep me company this morning that I take Physick? They'l be loth to come to day, there's so little hope o' drinking here.

Will. They said they would be here, Sir, before this time; Some Morning's draught, I believe, has intercepted 'em.

Joll. I could Repent now heartily, but that 'twould look as if I were compell'd to't, and besides if it should draw me to Amendment, 'twould undo me now, till I ha' gotten something. 'Tis a hard case to wrong my pretty Niece; but unless I get this wicked Widow, I and my daughter must starve else; and that's harder yet; Necessity is, as I take it, Fatality, and that will excuse all things, O! Here they are!

Act 1: Scene 5

Scene 5.

<>Colonel Jolly, Colonel Cutter, Captain Worm.

Joll. Welcome! Men o' war, what news abroad in Town?

Cut. Brave news I faith, it arriv'd but yesterday by an Irish Priest, that came over in the habit of a Fish-wife, a cunning fellow, and a man o' business, he's to lie Leiger here for a whole Irish College beyond-Sea, and do all their Affairs of State. The Captain spoke with him last night at the Blew Anchor!

Joll. Well, and what is't?

Worm. Why, Business is afloat again; the King has muster'd five and twenty thousand men in Flanders, as tall Fellows as any are in Christendom.

Joll. A pox upon you for a couple of gross Cheats! I wonder from what fools in what blind corners you get a dinner for this stuff.

Cut. Nay, there's another News that's stranger ye, but for that let the Captain Answer.

Wor. I confess I should ha' thought it very ridiculous, but that I saw it from a good hand beyond Sea, under Black and White, and all in Cypher.

Joll. Oh it cann't miss then; what may it be, pray?

Wor. Why, that the Emperor of Muscovy has promis'd To land ten thousand Bears in England to Over-run the Country.

Joll. Oh! that's in revenge of the late barbarous Murder of their brethren here I warrant you!

Cut. Why, Colonel, things will come about again! We shall have another 'bout for't!

Joll. Why all this to a friend that knows you? where were thy former Bouts, I prethee Cutter? where didst thou ever serve the King, or when?

Cut. Why every where; and the last time at Worcester If I never serv'd him since, the faults not mine; an there had been any Action——