Advice to Young Ladies

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Chapter 1

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Chapter I.

Introduction.

Right modes of thinking are the basis of all correct action. This is just as true of one sex as the other. Although man has the power of abstract thought and the faculty of reasoning in a higher degree than woman, yet woman is none the less a rational being, and must, in all the various relations in life, come under the guidance of right reason. It is from this cause that we shall, in addressing our young friends on their duties and conduct in life, appeal at once to their rational faculty. Specific forms and rules of action, to be observed on certain occasions, are very well as far as they go; but a mere formulary of good manners and right conduct is a poor substitute for that enlightened reason, by which a woman can at once determine for her how she should speak and act under any and all circumstances.

In society, as well as in books, we constantly hear it said that a young lady should act thus and thus in a specified case; but a sound reason why she should thus act is too rarely given. She is expected to take the mere dictum of those more experienced than herself, whether the reasonableness of the thing be apparent to her own mind or not. The consequence is, that what parents and friends see and declare to be right, a young lady too often thinks an indifferent matter, and, led on by her inclinations or peculiar temperament, sees no harm in acting directly in opposition to the views and wishes of those older and wiser than herself. Many fatal errors have arisen from this cause. The advice thus given is, in most cases, good; but, being unaccompanied by a comprehensible reason, it is not regarded when it opposes a strong inclination to act differently.

Right modes of thinking are the basis of all correct action. This we repeat, as a most important truism, and one which every young lady should regard as the foundation upon which her whole character should be laid. If she do not think right, how can she act right? To learn to think right, is, therefore, a matter of primary concern. If there be right modes of thinking, right actions will follow as a natural consequence. To aid in the attainment of this most desirable state, is one of the objects which will be kept in view by the writer, who will seek rather to give principles of action than rules of conduct; although the latter will not be entirely neglected.

False views of life every where prevail. We meet with them in our daily intercourse, in the social circle, and in books. From these flow many and various errors in life, the effects of which are often felt when it is too late to remedy them. And too frequently it happens that the sad experiences of a whole lifetime fail to correct the original error, or give the ability to guard, by right precepts, the young and inexperienced. It is from this reason, that, in giving advice, many persons, who have attained an advanced age, urge the opposite extreme of their own early life as the true mode of conduct.

The foundation of all error, in regard to life, lies in a single misconception—that of imagining self to be the centre, instead of clearly understanding that each individual is only a part of a great whole, a member of a common body. This is a truth so essential to the well-being of society, and to the happiness of each individual, that it will be kept prominent throughout this volume. It is a truth as essential to a woman’s, as to a man’s happiness.

Feeling and perception are the peculiar distinguishing features of a woman’s mind; and by these, more than by a process of reasoning on a subject, does she ordinarily arrive at conclusions, and determine her actions. By virtue of this her peculiar form of mind, she is able, in most cases, to determine a question of right and wrong correctly; but this she cannot always do: her reason must, after all, be, in the main, a guide to her perceptions; and this reason, to be an unfailing guide, must be enlightened by truth. There must be true modes of thinking, or there cannot be uniform, correct action. The one is absolutely essential to the other.

Our fair young friends will see, by these few introductory remarks, that we shall, as already said, address their reason. It is the highest gift bestowed upon them by God. It is, in fact, that which makes a man or a woman distinctively human. For a woman to think in her sphere, is as essential as for a man to think in his; and the more truths she has from which to think, the more accurate will be her conclusions. Still, there is a very great difference between the mind of a woman and the mind of a man—a difference that all should clearly see, and which we shall set forth in its proper place.

Chapter 2

Chapter II.

Right Views of Life.

A religious view of life ought to he taken, in the beginning, by every woman. What is meant here by a religious view, is simply the forming of a correct idea of the true relation of man to man, and of man to his Creator. Such a relation does exist, and it is essential to the well-being of every one to understand it. Blindly to shut all this out, and to press forward in thoughtless uncertainty, is surely not the course which a wise man or a wise woman would take. As we are created beings, there must be an orderly relation in which we stand to God and to each other, and any violation of this order by us, either through ignorance or design, must produce unhappiness. In fact, all the unhappiness that exists in the world is produced from this cause. How essential, then, is it for every one, in starting out in life, to have right views on so important a subject!

The first thing to be considered, in the effort to arrive at correct ideas here, is man’s origin, and the fact of his having fallen from his original state. Man, in the order of his creation, did not love himself. His love flowed out and sought objects of affection. Supremely he loved God; and next to this love was the love of his fellow-man. That this was so, is plain from the statement made in the Bible, that man was created in the image and likeness of God. Now, God is love; not self-love, but a love of making others happy out of himself. Such being his nature, the beings created by his hand, in his image and likeness, must have been, in their original state, lovers of others more than themselves, and seekers of the happiness of others. How different is all now! Man not only loves himself supremely, but seeks his own good with an almost total disregard to the good of his neighbor. Nay, his love of self is so strong, that hatred to others too often takes possession of his mind. The fall of man, in which he lost the image and likeness of his Creator, consisted in his ceasing to love God and his neighbor, and becoming a lover of self and the world; and religion is nothing more nor less than the returning of man to this true order, and the restoration of the lost image and likeness of God in his mind. Perfect happiness resulted from this true order; and misery has accompanied, and will continue to accompany, its loss. To love self, and to seek for the gratification of selfish ends, never has, and never will, produce happiness; for it is in direct contrariety to the original law of our being. It is opposed to the very nature of things.

How important, then, is it, that every young woman, when she first begins to think, should think correctly on this subject, so vital to her happiness! But it is one thing to think right, and another thing to be able to bring right thoughts down into correct actions in our ordinary life in the world. To do this is a great achievement; it is, in fact, religion.

There is a great deal said about religion; and numerous enough are those who profess to have what they call religion. But, at this day, there is very little of true religion in the world. There are external forms of sanctimoniousness and acts of piety; but these do not make religion, and too often serve only as cloaks for covering up the most direful and soul-destroying selfishness. It is no hard matter, however, to distinguish the true coin from the base counterfeit. There is a test by which the quality of all may be known, and this test must be applied to their every-day, not to their Sunday life. Do they love God or self, the neighbor or the world, most? Look at their conduct in all that pertains to their business and social intercourse with the world, not at what they say, and you will soon be able to decide the question. The tree is easily known by its fruits, the quality of the fountain by the water it sends forth.

To be religious is not to be an ascetic, nor is it necessary to give up any of the pleasures or orderly enjoyments of life. The world, not the cloister, is the place where religion can alone find a permanent abiding-place—a real growth. What is called the religion of the cloister is no religion at all, but mere selfishness—a retiring from actual duty in the world, into an imaginary state of sanctimoniousness. It is only in life’s actualities, in the real every-day business and social contact of man with man, that there can be any genuine religious growth; for religion is love to the neighbor; and all love, to be genuine, must have an actual existence in deeds, as well as in words—must come into exercise in the every-day affairs of life. It is an easy matter for any one to sit in his closet and imagine that he feels a love for all mankind; but let him go into the world, and meet his fellow-man as he is, and feel the encroachments and rude contact of his selfish spirit, and he will find something rising in his bosom that he would not like to call love.

The true spirit of religion is a love of being useful to others; and a religious life is the seeking, in all we do, the good of others, at the same time that we fully acknowledge that the ability to do so is not our own, but comes from God, who is the source and giver of all good. Every one, to be happy, must lead such a life; and this is the reason why we urge the considerations now presented, upon the attention of those for whose particular benefit we write.

A just regard for the good of others will not require a woman to neglect any home duty, but will prompt to its more perfect and faithful discharge. Her charity will consist in doing all that her hands find to do, with cheerfulness and alacrity, for the sake of others. The comfort and happiness of others are always in her hands, and every act of her life either adds to or diminishes the comfort and happiness of one or many.

In the beginning, let a young woman remember, that, as she cannot live for herself alone, it will be true wisdom for her to seek to live for others. Every day of her life she will find herself placed in circumstances that, if improved, will enable her to give pleasure to, or perform some useful thing for, another; and her reward for so doing will be a delight sweeter far than can possibly spring from any selfish gratification.

Two young ladies sat reading, when a child entered the room, in trouble about his playthings. Something had got wrong, which he could not remedy. He came up to one of them with his useless toy, and asked her to fix it right for him; but she gently pushed him away with her hand, saying, “Go away, now; I cannot attend to you.” He then went to the other, who laid aside her book with a smile, and repaired the toy. It was the work of only a minute, but it was a great matter for the child. His thanks were expressed in his brightening face. The musical ringing of his happy voice, as he bounded from the room, echoed back from the heart of the maiden. In blessing, she was herself blessed.

“Let me wait upon the table, mother,” said a daughter, as the family were assembling for tea. “Your head has ached all day, and you are not well this evening.” The mother gave up her place at the head of the table, with a feeling of pleasure, at the affectionate consideration of her daughter, that sensibly diminished the pain of her aching head. It was a little matter, seemingly, this act of the daughter’s, but much was involved in it. The mother was happier, and the daughter felt a glow of internal satisfaction warming through her bosom. While the former was made happier for the moment, the latter was made better permanently.

“Don’t go away, sister,” said a poor little invalid, lifting his large blue eyes to the face of his sister, a young girl in her sixteenth year, who had just come into his room with her bonnet and shawl on. “I want you to stay with me.” “Sister must go, dear,” spoke up the mother. “She has been invited out, and has promised herself much pleasure in going. I will stay with you.” “I want sister to stay too,” replied the child. “I don’t want her to go away.” The sister stood thoughtful for a few moments, and then, whispering something in her mother’s ear, laid off her bonnet and shawl, and sat down by the bedside of her sick brother, whose eyes brightened up, and almost sparkled with pleasure. First she told him a story, and then, holding one of his hands in hers, she sang to him a little song. “Sing another, dear sister,” said the child. The sister sang another and another song, her voice falling into a lower and more soothing tone. Presently she ceased, and looked up into the face of her mother with a smile. The dear little sufferer was asleep. The maiden bent down over the bed, and tenderly kissed the slumberer’s cheek; then rising up quickly, she replaced her bonnet and shawl, and glided lightly from the room. Never in her life had she enjoyed herself so well among her young companions, as she did during that evening. Need we tell our readers the cause?

We might go on and instance a hundred different ways in which a young girl may be called on to practise self-denial for the good of others. If she have younger brothers and sisters, these calls will be made daily, and almost hourly. But, in obeying them, she will always find a higher and purer pleasure than in disregarding them.

The true spirit of religion, we have said, is the love of being useful to others. This love no one has naturally. We are all lovers of ourselves more than lovers of God, and lovers of the world more than lovers of our neighbor; and it is hard for us to conceive how there is any real pleasure to be found in denying our own selfish desires in order to seek the good of another. A very little experience, however, will make us plainly see that the inward delight arising from the consciousness of having done good to another is the sweetest of all delights we have ever known. But this love of being useful to others does not easily take the place of our natural selfishness. And it never does, unless we oppose, vigorously, and from a religious ground, our natural propensity to regard only our own selves. What is here meant by a religious ground, is, a regard to God and an obedience to his laws, as the duty of a creature made by his hands and sustained by him every moment. These laws teach us to regard the good of others; and when we seek the good of others, because to do so is to live in obedience to the laws of God, we act from a religious principle. Every effort made in this spirit is an efficient one, and actually produces a change in the inward mind, causing a love of others to take the place of a love of self. To sin, is to act in opposition to these laws of God. In every instance, therefore, in which we neglect the good of another, in seeking some selfish gratification, we commit sin; for the law of God, in common society, is, for each to regard the good of the whole.

A right view of life, then, which all should take at the outset, is the one we have presented. Let every young lady seriously reflect upon this subject. Let her remember that she is not designed by her Creator to live for herself alone, but has a higher and nobler destiny—that of doing good to others—of making others happy. The little world of self is not the limit that is to confine all her actions. Her love was not destined to waste its fires in the narrow chamber of a single human heart; no, a broader sphere of action is hers—a more expansive benevolence. The light and heat of her love are to be seen and felt far and wide. Who would not rather thus live a true life, than sit shivering over the smouldering embers of self-love? Happy is that maiden who seeks to live this true life! As time passes on, her own character will be elevated and purified. Gradually will she return towards that order of her being, which was lost in the declension of mankind from that original state of excellence in which they were created. She will become, more and more, a true woman; will grow wiser, and better, and happier. Her path through the world will be as a shining light, and all who know her will call her blessed. Who would not wish to lead such a life? Who does not desire to return from disorder and misery, to order and happiness?

Chapter 3

Chapter III.

Entering upon Life.

The first important era in the life of a young maiden is when she finally leaves school. This is the time when she begins to think for herself, and is left in more than ordinary freedom to act for herself Up to this period, she has lived in obedience to her parents, guardians, or teachers, in all things. She has gone to school, and pursued her studies there under the entire direction of others, submitting her will and her judgment to the will and judgment of others, as older and wiser than herself For years, her mind has been fully occupied with the various branches of knowledge which it has been deemed by others right that she should acquire. But now, books of instruction are laid aside; the strict rules of the seminary are no longer observed; the mind that has been for a long time active in the pursuits of knowledge sinks into repose.

This, which we have called the first important era in a woman’s life, may, with justice, be rather called the most important era in her life; for her whole future life will be affected by what is right or wrong in her conduct, and mode of thinking and living, at this period. The habits of order and study which existed while at school were not properly her own, for they were merely the result of obedience to laws prescribed by others; but now, acting in freedom, whatever she does is from herself, and stamps itself permanently upon the impressible substance of her forming character. If she, from natural indolence, sink into idleness and self-indulgence, she will be in danger of forming a habit that will go with her through life; but if, from a sense of duty to herself and others, she still occupy all her time, and all the powers of her mind, in doing or acquiring something, she will gradually gain strength and force of character, as her mind expands, and take, as a woman, in a few years, a woman’s true position of active use in her appropriate sphere.

Up to the time of her leaving school, a young girl may be excused for acting from either impulse or obedience. But now she must begin to think, and her wisest thoughts will be on the subject of life and its requirements. If she do not think now, and act from an enlightened reason, let her be well assured that the time will come when she will be compelled to think; but alas! when thought will avail but little in correct some fatal error committed for want of thought, the effects of which will run parallel with her whole life.

First of all, let education and its design form the subject of a young girl’s sober reflections, after leaving school and returning into the bosom of her family. She will not be long in arriving at this most important conclusion, that the use of the education she has received is to enable her to perform well the various duties of life, although she may not be able to see how all the branches to which she has applied herself can be made available to this end. By a very natural transition of thought, she will be led to consider the present, and to ask herself if she have not something to do in the present. The result of this will be the discovery, that, much as she has learned, her education is very far from being complete, and that, to fit her for a life of active usefulness,—the only true and only happy life,—she has much yet to learn in the process of bringing down her skill and information into every-day uses and pursuits; nay, more, that she has new knowledge to gain, and new skill to acquire, that call for continued patience, industry, and perseverance. But in all she will find this difference,—Before, there was abstract acquirement for the sake of the skill and the knowl

but now, both skill and knowledge are ever flowing out into effects. She has not only the task of acquiring, but the delight of doing, and this is life’s highest delight.

But we will be more particular and familiar. On leaving school, where all has been order, promptness, and industry, a young lady will find herself, as we have said, in great danger of sinking into indolence and inactivity. She will find, at first, little or nothing to do. Her mother has been so long in the regular routine of domestic duties, that she does not think of assigning any portion of them to her daughter. She continues to rise early and sit up late, while her daughter remains late in bed, and, wearied with a day of tiresome inactivity, retires early at night. It too often happens, in cases of this kind, that the daughter is either too indolent, or indifferent towards her mother, to step forward and lighten her care and labor by taking a portion of it upon herself. Or it may be that her neglect to do so arises from want of proper reflection. Her duty, however, is a very plain one, and needs only to be hinted at, to cause every right-feeling daughter not only to see it, but at once to enter upon its due performance.

There are several reasons why a young lady should, on leaving school, engage actively in domestic duties. One has already been stated. Another reason is to be found in the fact, that, sooner or later, she will, in all probability, be at the head of a family, when the health, comfort, and happiness of those best beloved by her will depend upon her knowledge of household and domestic economy. This knowledge can only be gained by practical experience. A man, when he marries, is expected to be master of some business, trade, or profession, by which he can earn sufficient money to maintain his wife and family in comfort; and a woman, when she marries, is expected to be able to take charge of her husband’s household, and do her part with as much skill and industry as he does his. That this latter is not always the case, is much to be regretted. But few, very few young ladies, at the time of their marriage, know any thing about domestic economy. Not one in ten can bake a loaf of good bread, or cook a dinner. In fact, their ignorance on these subjects is a matter, ordinarily, more of pride than shame. We have over and over again heard young ladies boast of their deficiencies on these points, in a way to make it plainly apparent that such deficiency was considered by them as meritorious, instead of censurable. If to be useful—if to be able to make our best and dearest friends comfortable and happy—be disgraceful, then we can understand why such ignorance is a matter of pride, but on no other supposition.

A singular error prevails to a very great extent, that there is something degrading in useful domestic employments. Some young ladies would almost as lief be detected in a falsehood, as discovered by their young acquaintances, especially of the other sex, in the performance of any household duty. It is no unusual thing to see them with ornamental needle-work in their hands; but you can never find them making a garment, or doing any work that is really needed in the family. The former is a pleasing pastime, but the latter is something useful, and the useful is esteemed vulgar and common, and, if engaged in at all, must be done so secretly that no one will have a suspicion of the fact.

Besides engaging in, and becoming thoroughly conversant with, domestic affairs, there is another matter which every young woman should seriously consider, be her condition in life what it may. In this country, more than in any other, mutability is stamped upon the form and features of society. The rich man of to-day is the poor man of to-morrow, and the poor man of to-day the rich man of to-morrow. There is no permanence, no stability. A man may count his thou lay his hand firmly upon his wealth, and be sure of holding it in a firm grasp; but in a few years his gold has all melted away like snow-wreaths in the sunshine. Why this is so, is not the question now to be discussed. The fact, is the thing that demands most serious consideration. No woman can know at what period of her life reverses may overtake those upon whom she is dependent for all her external comforts. Her father may become poor while she yet lingers in the old homestead, or her husband may be reduced from affluence to poverty, at a time when children are springing up around her with their thousand wants, few of which can now be supplied. And worse than all this, death often comes in and strikes down the very prop and stay of life, leaving the widow and mother friendless and penniless.

“Why should I think of these things now?” asks a light-hearted maiden. “If I am to have trouble like this, it will be bad enough when it comes. I will be happy while I can.”

That such trouble, if it should ever come to you, may be lighter and more easily borne, is the reason why it is alluded to now. The sailor, when he puts forth to sea, does not know that he will encounter a storm. But he knows that storms do frequently occur, and that many ships have been lost. With wise forethought, he provides himself with boats, in case his ship should be wrecked; he has all his rigging in such perfect order, that his sails can be furled at a moment’s warning, on the approach of a storm, so that nothing but spars and ropes can be exposed to its fury. By such wise precautions, he is able, if a tempest arise, in most cases, to save his ship and the lives of all in it.

Life is a voyage, and to most of us a rough and stormy one. In commencing this voyage, let each one emulate the wisdom, prudence, and forethought of the sailor. The weaker we are, and the less able to endure the shock of a tempest, the more careful should we be that every thing is right before we push off from the shore.

It is clear, then, that, in the beginning of life, a woman who has less ability to contend in the world, and is more exposed to evils and hardships, should reverses come, ought to furnish herself thoroughly with the means of self-sustenance and self-protection. This she can only do by acquiring some knowledge or skill, the exercise of which will enable her to supply not only her own wants, but the wants of all who may be dependent upon her. There is no time in which this can be done so well as in the few years which succeed the period of a young lady’s final withdrawal from school. These years ought to be employed by all, no matter how high their station, in thoroughly mastering some branch of knowledge, or in acquiring some skill, from the exercise of which, as a regular employment, should necessity ever require it to be done, a livelihood may be obtained.