From death to life

Preface

(To First Edition.)

HIS simple record of my life has been written under many difficulties, in the midst of pressing duties, and with such frequent interruptions and long delays that my heart almost shrinks from sending it forth to meet the eye of a critical public. But as it does not seem likely that any opportunity will offer at present to revise it, I issue it, at the request of many friends, followed by the earnest prayer that God may graciously overrule its faults for the advancement of His truth and for the glory of His name.

Buffalo, March 9, 1901. Anna W. Prosser.

Contents

Preface iii

Introduction vii

I. My Childhood's Home 9

Introduction

(To Second Edition.)

RENDER, sacred memories flood my soul as I write by request, an introduction to this book by my beloved friend and co-worker, Miss Anna W. Prosser. Miss Prosser's remarkable healing occurred before my own ; but I had not heard of it until after the Lord had marvelously raised me from my dying bed. Miss Prosser had been standing alone up to that time. My healing greatly encouraged her to give positive and definite testimony about her own healing, and also to take an advanced step in service for the Lord. My first public work after my healing was in connection with a Temperance Mission in Buffalo, where Miss Prosser and I together led an evening meeting each week. From this little beginning, our ministry greatly enlarged as we were enabled (she a Presbyterian, and I an Episcopalian) to cast ourselves upon the Lord and to trust His Spirit to give us utterance.

It was my privilege to be with her a good deal of the time when she was united to her father again after the tragic death of his second wife, and I saw her as she ministered so tenderly to her aged and afflicted parent, and lived her beautiful, consecrated life before him. I was with her much again after that home had once more been closed upon her, and could truly say that the Lord's grace never failed. Whether she abounded or w^as abased, Christ was always her exceeding great reward. It was

vll

INTRODUCTION

especially good to see her in the midst of her Bible class of laboring men, converts in the mission to which I have before referred. Many of these had been marvellously saved from very sinful lives, and some of them still had a very rough exterior, but God's great blessing was upon them, and their devotion to Miss Prosser and gentleness in her presence, was very marked.

Wonderful times of sweet and holy fellowship in the Lord were ours, and the tenderest love always remained between us up to the time of her death, which occurred in 1902. Meanwhile because of my marriage, and the removal of my work to California, I was not privileged to be with her during her last illness and Home-going. While visiting the East about a year before her death, she told me of a strange premonition which she had had that her work on earth was nearly finished.

I praise God for my intimate acquaintance with this precious child of God, and it is a joy to anticipate a glad reunion with her in the Father's Home above.

Carrie Judd Montgomery

(nee Carrie F. Judd, of Buffalo, N. Y.)

viii

I. My Childhood's Home

N THE city of Albany, N. Y., Oct. 15th, 1846, a tiny baby girl, weighing just fourand-a-half pounds, opened her eyes upon this sinful, sorrowing world. So frail and puny and flickering was this little life that her parents had scarcely any hope of ever raising her. That frail little babe was the writer. As far back as I can recollect, I was surrounded by the most tender and loving care in a luxurious home, with almost my slightest wish anticipated. Being the youngest of four children and perhaps also because of the feebleness mentioned, I was the acknowledged pet and idol of the family.

Naturally of an exceedingly nervous and sensitive temperament, I trembled beneath even an unkind look, as the aeolian harp when stirred by the lightest breeze. If it had not been my lot to fall into such loving arms, evidently I should have sunk into an early grave. But, although surrounded by every comfort and enjoyment which wealth and indulgent parents could give, I can recall when not more than four years of age feeling heavy-hearted and sad sometimes because of the one great lack in my home, for some one (I have never known who) had told me the story of Jesus and had taught me to kneel at night and repeat the sweet childish prayer "Now I lay me down to sleep," and I used to ponder it over in my little mind and wonder why no one in the house seemed to love Jesus, or talk about Him, and why they so very rarely went to

PROM DEATH TO LIFE

church as I had seen our neighbors do. And I can recall how, being very tired and sleepy one night, I tumbled into my little cot without saying my usual prayer, and all the next day I felt condemned and troubled, and finally when night came I tremblingly asked my mother if she thought God would forgive me if I would then say it twice ! She smilingly replied that she was sure He would, and so, after thus relieving my burdened conscience, I climbed into my snowy bed with a sense of infinite relief. Oh ! how easily I could then have been led to Christ while my little heart was so tender, if there had been any one to care for my soull But alas! no one did care. The whole family were engrossed in fashion and worldly pursuits, my father being a man of great business ability, whose one all-engrossing thought was his rapidly increasing fortune, and my mother, though in her girlhood a member of the Baptist church, was now a complete backslider, perhaps influenced by my father's infidel views. The older children, (a brother and two sisters) being reared in such an ungodly atmosphere, naturally drifted with the current and were soon whirled away by the gay and fashionable society of the city. Though so young it was always a trial to me to hear the subject of religion spoken of lightly and irreverently, and Christian people ridiculed, as they often were in my home; though I am glad to say that my father never joined in any such conversations, always treating the religious convictions of others with respect.

Right here let me say to any ungodly parents who may read these lines, that it will be a terrible day for you if you meet the children whom God has given you, at the judgment of the Great White Throne unsaved and they charge you with their doom ! It will ring in your ears through all eternity if you hear them say, "If you had loved and served God, you could easily have turned my childish feet into the narrow way, but now I have stumbled over you down into hell !" How solemn the responsibility to bring immortal souls into the world to train either for endless joy or woe! How priceless the opportunities to lead the noble boy or the lovely girl growing up at your side into a consecrated Christian life ! Who can even conceive of the outcome of one such life? Its influence may be felt to earth's remotest bounds. Eternity alone will reveal all the stars won and the sheaves gathered by one such beautiful life of self-denying service.

And to Christian parents I would say, you will have reason to praise God throughout eternity if, from the time when your little ones are old enough to know right from wrong, you faithfully talk and pray with them, and, by early winning their confidence, lead them to turn to you with all their little troubles and sins in order that you may wisely train them for God and heaven. Frances Havergal, when but four years of age, had deep religious convictions which she dared not breathe to any in her family, hearthungerings after God which no one suspected, and I am convinced that such is the case with many young children whose tender aspirations are stifled for want of an appreciative friend to whom they can open their little hearts. I knew a strikingly beautiful child of three years who was evidently, at that age, converted to God through the faithful teaching of a Christian aunt who did for her what her unsaved parents failed to do. As she lay upon her death bed choking with the diphtheria she raised her radiant dark eyes to her father's face and beckoned with her hand ;

he bent his ear to her lips and heard her gasp these most precious words : "Papa, I see the angels !" and immediately the bright messengers bore her ransomed spirit away! Think you those parents can ever forget that triumphant testimony ? Oh ! what an unanswerable argument to the ranting infidel is the dying testimony of one such innocent child ! The seraphic smile which lit up her face as she lay in her rose-strewn casket can never be forgotten by those who lingered around it, seemingly unable to tear themselves away from the lovely vision.

How little my parents dreamed of the heart-longings of the reserved, sensitive child playing about their house! How little they dreamed of all the thorny road over which her young feet must walk ere she found those longings satisfied ! At about the age of six years, my mother, who had become a cripple soon after my birth and suffered from a contracted limb, decided to go to the Hot Springs in Arkansas, and I was sent, together with one of my sisters, to Lewiston, N. Y., to spend a year with a dear aunt who had always felt a deep interest in us. I remember standing at the window with a sense of utter desolation as I watched my dear mother going on her crutches to the carriage which awaited her and which was to convey her most of the way on her long journey, as there were no railroads at that time in that part of Arkansas. She was accompanied by my father, oldest sister, and faithful William and Norah, the coachman and chambermaid who served in our family thirteen and sixteen years each. My heart was bursting, almost, with grief ; but had she not urged me to be a brave little girl and not cry and thus make it harder for her to go? And so I resolutely choked down the tears by a tremendous effort, though as the carriage bore her away out of my sight my pent-up grief found relief in a violent fit of weeping. It seemed to me that the world was indeed but a barren waste.

After spending a year with my aunt, who proved all that the tenderest mother could have been, my father sold the home in Albany and we moved to the city of Buffalo where we were joined by my dear mother who was but little improved by her long absence. My father now built an elegant suburban residence, and from this time our house became the center of one continual round of balls, card parties, amateur theatricals and other worldly amusements; and in this atmosphere of luxurious ease and selfishness my life developed into that of a heartless society coquette ; its highest aim that of being more exquisitely attired than my young lady companions and of having a greater number of suitors at my feet. My reading consisted of the most sensational and exciting novels of the day, which greatly tended to demoralize and to spur me on in the feverish race which I was pursuing. Alas ! what a sandy foundation for character building! False and frivolous myself, I did not look for truth or integrity in my associates, although they moved in what the world calls "best society." I knew the world was hollow and its promises were lies, and yet I rushed madly on, seeking its pleasures and its applause. It was not only during the winter season, but also when summer came, even during the hottest weather I often was found in the ball room dancing the entire night at some fashionable watering place. Many a time during the gay winter season I have returned to my home at four o'clock in the morning with my feet so swollen from constant dancing that I have actually been compelled to walk from the carriage to the house on my heels, supported by my sister's arm ! What pitiable slaves the votaries of fashion are ! What will the harvest be from this "sowing to the flesh ?"

This incessant round of dissipation, added to the rich night suppers, the unhealthful mode of dress, and the nervous strain consequent upon thus continually turning night into day, soon began to make terrible inroads upon my frail body and naturally excitable brain. At last I could only keep my place in the ranks by the support of tonics and stimulants, and how well I can recall the desperate attempts to conceal my rapidly failing health, and the words of my friends spurring me on when they saw me hesitating about accepting this or that invitation to balls and parties: "Oh," they would say, "you'll be all right after you get there, you will forget all about yourself after you get on the floor." And so on and on I went with a dark foreboding hanging over me, but unable to resist the charm of the entrancing music, the light, the exquisite flowers, the beautiful faces, the gorgeous dresses of the ball room, the fascination of the theatre, the opera, the card party and the many subtle snares of a fashionable life.

But do not imagine, dear reader, that there were no serious moments in my life at this period. Sometimes after reaching my room, exhausted and almost fainting after the incessant dancing of the night, the thought would force itself upon me, "Is this the best that life has to offer me? If death were to come in the midst of this, could any one say that his life had been the better for my influence or example?" And on one occasion when two of my young companions were suddenly called away by death, I was filled with terror and would not attend the funeral of either, lest I should be brought face to face with the solemn question of the judgment and eternity. During all these years but three persons had ever approached me on the subject of my soul's salvation. The first appeal occurred when I was ten or twelve years of age. One of my classmates who was my inseparable playmate had been converted, and out of the joy and fulness of her heart wrote me a little note, so tender and loving, telling me of her happiness and peace and urging me to give my heart to Christ and my life to His service. How this inoffensive little note stung me to the quick ! In my indignation I quickly destroyed it and inwardly resolved never to speak to her or play with her again ; and so the dear child was shunned from that day and all her loving advances spurned, and I chose for my playmates those whom I fancied would never in any way allude to the subject of salvation. Oh ! how often in later years, after hearing of her death (which occurred in her early womanhood) I have reproached myself for thus ill-treating her, and have hoped that if departed saints can look down upon these earthly scenes, she might be permitted to see how the proud will which so scorned her message had at last broken at the foot of the cross of Calvary !

The second appeal was as follows: When fourteen years of age I began to feel ashamed of the fact that I had never attended Sabbath school and was almost as ignorant of the Bible as if I had been reared in a heathen land. There was a family Bible in my house containing a record of the births, marriages and deaths in our family, but I had never seen a single member of the household reading it and do not recall ever having read a chapter in it myself. On this account, I concluded to join a class of young girls in the Sunday school of a Presbyterian church which we sometimes attended. One Sunday our teacher, who was a very godly woman, talked with us most earnestly, with tears, regarding our personal salvation, and many were touched and were soon after this converted and united with the church. She asked me if I thought that I was a Christian but I answered evasively, and she, evidently seeing how greatly the subject annoyed me, never mentioned it to me again.

The years rolled on, and at sixteen years of age my parents decided io send me off to boarding school where the "finishing touches" might be given to a very superficial education. For although I had had the very best advantages of education offered me, I wasted so much of my time in amusements and novel reading that I had only a smattering of the various studies pursued in the Seminary which I attended for eight years. Accordingly I was sent to New Haven, Conn., to what proved to be a model boarding school in every respect, as far as education is concerned. Here I was compelled to study, and, being placed under the most rigid discipline, I made rapid progress in all my studies and also in both vocal and instrumental music, of which I was passionately fond. Indeed music was my idol, and I fully intended to devote my life to it, having been told by my teachers that I had extraordinary talent and could, without doubt, excel both as a pianist and soprano singer, with proper training. This heaven-born gift I desired to cultivate solely for the applause of the world and I applied myself very faithfully to this as well as all my studies during the entire year. My roommates were wild, frivolous girls like myself, and aside from the fact that I was compelled to attend church once every Sunday and morning prayers at the school, I was brought under no religious influence while there. By the time the year ended, impatient under the restraints of the school, I announced my intention to go to a more fashionable, larger school in New York City, where I was obliged to speak French continually and where as I imagined I would have better musical advantages, and get a peep, too, at New York life. My ever indulgent parents consented, though in this they made indeed a serious mistake. The year passed in this school was merely a waste of money and time aside from my musical studies which I faithfully pursued, simply because I loved them too well to do otherwise. Upon the close of the year my music teacher told me that I had made greater progress in one year than any pupil that he ever had taught and urged me very earnestly to return another year, which I refused to do as I was anxious to enter upon the gay "society" life which awaited me at home, and this I did as soon as I reached there and would have been still pursuing that butterfly existence at the present day, but for the afflicting hand of my God which most mercifully interposed.

I come now to the third appeal regarding my soul's salvation. When twenty years of age I went to visit a friend in Providence, R. I., where, in the midst of a winter of gay festivities, I was again compelled to face the subject so dreaded by receiving a letter from a young lady friend who told me that a revival had broken out in the church which we attended in Buffalo and a number of my class had been converted and were going to unite with the church at the following communion service, and she tenderly said that she was sure that I was not wholly insensible to the claims of Christ and begged me to hasten home with the determination . to join the company who would pubHcly confess Christ on the first Sunday of the following month. And she added that she was heartily ashamed of the poor example which she, as a professing Christian, had set me and asked me to forgive the levity and carelessness of her life. After reading this long and very touching letter, I sat in my room some time in deep thought.

A WRONG STEP.

'If any man have not the Spirit of Christ he is none of His." (Rom. 8:9.)

OR THE first time in my life I was now ready to give the subject of my soul's salvation candid and earnest consideration, so far as I was able in my ignorance to do. I knew that I was a sinner, a load of guilt rested heavily upon me. I knew that I had long resisted the Spirit's strivings, and I was afraid of God, death and the judgment. I had for years, Jonah -like, tried in vain to flee from His presence and to stifle the convictions of my need. I did despise a coward and a hypocrite. I wanted in some way to be freed from the unrest and sense of condemnation which filled my soul, and I supposed that an outward profession of religion,baptism,joiningthe church, partaking of the Lord's Supper, faithful attendance at the prayer meeting and other services of the church, would quiet my troubled conscience and bring the peace which I craved. Never had it even dawned upon my mind that there must be an inward renewing and an outward separation from the world. I had never read "Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in Him." (1 John 2:15.) I did not even know enough about the Bible to understand that, if I would search it, I would therein find the way to salvation made plain ! The young people in the church, which I attended, who professed to have been converted were,

It to all outward appearance, living precisely such a life as my own; I constantly met them in my rounds of gaiety and worldly folly and therefore, naturally enough, inferred that, as they were allowed to continue in this life unreproved, there would be nothing more expected of me. If I had understood that God required the first place in my heart's love and service and that to be a Christian involved entire self-renunciation, crucifixion to the world and a lowly walk with Jesus in the way of holiness never for one moment would I have consented to take the step, for I idolized the world and had not the faintest intention of leaving it. But I wanted to do something which would free me from the load of sin which was resting upon me. And so with no further light, with not a particle of inward change, I was baptized (or rather sprinkled) and accepted as a member of the church soon after returning home, together with many others, young and old. I was not hypocritical in this act, but acting up to what light I had. I did believe, in a misty way, in the existence of a God, in a heaven for the righteous and a hell for the wicked, but I had no more conception of the plan of salvation than if I had been reared in a heathen land.

I desire to add here, that though I believe the pastor of the church to have been a good man and, apparently, anxious for souls, I tremble to think of what his responsibility will be when called to give an account of his stewardship, for allowing me to enter the communion of his church utterly self-deceived (as he could not avoid seeing that I was) and by his silence endorsing the sinful life in which I was engaged, never even alluding to it in any way or showing me the absolute necessity of the new birth. And not only this; as he saw and knew that my course of life remained unchanged, but that I went steadily on in all the whirl of fashion and gaiety precisely the same as before professing conversion, he never reproved me or warned me of my perilous condition. I believe that he himself knew the way of salvation and was himself saved, but I also firmly believe that but for the infinite mercy of God, I should have sunk into hell and my blood would have been required at this "idle shepherd's" hands.

Alas! I fear that my father's wealth and position in society blinded this dear man's eye to his duty to myself and my family. Like many others, he had not the moral courage to fearlessly proclaim the truth and leave the consequences with God. This sad experience and my narrow escape from eternal ruin have caused me to feel very deeply my responsibility to God in dealing with hardened sinners as well as with repentant souls seeking salvation, to faithfully show them from the Word of God their need of a heart belief in the Lord Jesus Christ and His atoning blood poured out upon the cross for the remission of sins, and an entire separation of heart and life unto Him and His service.

It is of the greatest importance that men should be shown first of all that they are sinners both by nature and by practice, and that however moral the outward life may be, the heart, God says, "is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked" (Jer. 17:9) and the Holy Spirit has

come into the world to "reprove (convince) of sin of

sin (said Jesus) because they believe not on Me." (John 16:8-9.) The first chapter of Romans, which we have been accustomed to think is a picture of the heathen world only, is also, dear reader, a picture of your heart and mine by nature. You may feel disposed to indignantly refute this assertion, but would not you and I be to-day precisely what the poor heathen are, sunken in superstition and degradation, even to the level of the brutes, if we had not, in the mercy of God, been surrounded by the restraints of civilization and of the Gospel? If we had been wholly left to the natural bent of our own heart as they have been, would we not illustrate as strikingly as they do the plain declaration of God's word that "out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications," etc.? (Matt. 15:19.)

Not until men have given evidence by their lives and have the inward witness of the Holy Spirit that they have been born again should they be allowed to take upon them the solemn vows of the church or be found at the table of the Lord. I am ashamed to say that the Superintendent of the Sabbath School which I attended asked me to take charge of a class of girls (knowing what my spiritual condition was) and I consented. I can truly say that there was not a child in my class so ignorant of the Scriptures as her teacher ! I had never even had the stories of the Bible (which children so much love to hear) taught to me, and I had simply nothing to set before these lambs entrusted to my care. Being wholly occupied with worldly pleasures, I had neither time nor desire for the study of the lesson and never even a thought entered my mind of my responsibility to God for the souls of my class. Should these lines reach the eye of an unsaved Sunday school teacher, my advice to you is to step down and out until clearly saved yourself and fully awake to the solemn responsibility of your charge, and never then to dare to look into the upturned faces of your precious class without great prayer and faithful preparation of the lesson. I am indeed covered with confusion and shame as I recall those wasted years and the presumption of the Superintendent who placed me in so serious a position. I knew no better, but verily thought that I was doing God service, but I am persuaded that he was without excuse.

When the day arrived in which I was to join the church I ventured timidly to tell one of my sisters of my intention. I had not told the family because I feared their opposition. Most of them went to the church and, on returning, what was my surprise and emotion when my father came to me in the hall and, laying his hand kindly upon my head, said: "My daughter, you need not have feared to tell me of your intention, I should have raised no objection. I hope your connection with the church may prove a help to you through life!" Choking with tears I could make no reply. I am glad to-day to recall those tender words, but oh ! if he or any one in my home had only been able to take me by the hand at that time and lead me to the cross ! For I did indeed honestly desire to be true and supposed that I had now done all that God required. But, dear reader, you can judge of the amount of light received from the following incident.