Roderick Random

Front matter

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Preface

birth and education, which in the series of his mist'of tunes will, I hope, engage the ingenuous more warmly in his behalf; and though I foresee, that some i^eople will be offended at the mean scenes in Avhich he is involved, I persuade myself that the judicious will not only perceive the necessity of describing those situations to which he must of course be confined, in his low estate, but also find entertainment in viewing those parts of life, where the humours and passions are undisguised by affectation, ceremony, or education ; and the whimsical peculiarities of disposition appear as nature has implanted them. But I believe I need not trouble myself in vindicating a practice authorized by the best writers in this way, some of whom I have already named.

Vvery intelligent reader will, at first sight, porceive I have not deviated from nature in the facts, which are all true in the main, although the circumstances are altered and disguised, to avoid personal satire.

It now remains to give my reasons for making the chief x^orsonage of this work a North Briton, which are chiefiy these : I could, at a small expense, bestow on him such education as I thought the dignity of his birth and character required, which could not possibly be obtained in England, by such slender means as the nature of my plan would aflbrd. In the next place, I could represent simplicity of manners in a remote part of the kingdom, with more propriety than in any place near the capital ; and lastly, the disposition of the Scots, addicted to travelling, justifies my conduct in deriving an adventurer from that country.

That the delicate reader may not be offended at the unmeaning oaths which proceed from the mouths of some persons in these memoirs, I beg leave to premise, that I imagined nothing could more effectually expose the absurdity of such miserable expletives, than a natural and verbal representation of the discourse in which they occur.

APOLOGUE.

A YOTTNG painter, indulging a vein of pleasantry, sketched a kind of conversation piece, representing a bear, an owl, a monkey, and an ass ; and to render it more striking, humorous, and moral, distinguished every figure by some emblem of human life.

J^ruin was exhibited iu the garb and attitude of an old, toothless, drunken soldier ; the owl perched upon the handle of a coffeepot, with spectacle on nose, seemed to contemplate a newspaper ; and the ass, ornamented with a huge tia-wig (which, however, could not conceal his long ears), sat for his picture to the monkey, who appeared with the implements of painting. This v/himsical group afforded some mirth, and met with general approbation, until some mischievous wag hinted that the whole was a lampoon upon the friends of the performer; an insinuation which was no sooner circulated than those very people who applauded it before began to be alarmed, and even to fancy themselves signified by the several figures of the piece.

Among others, a worthy personage in years, who had served in the army with reputation, being incensed at the supposed outrage, repaired to the lodging of the painter, and finding him at home, ' Hark ye, Mr. Monkey,' said he, ' I have a gooil mind to con\-ince you, that_ though the bear has lost his teeth, he retaius his paws, and that he is not so drunk but he can perceive your impertinence. ' Sblood ! sir, that toothless jaw is a d — ned scandalous libel — biit don't you imagine me so chopfallen as not to be able to chew the cud of resentment.' Here he was interrupted by the arrival of a learned phj^sician, who, advancing to the culprit with fury in his aspect, exclaimed, ' Suppose the augmentation of the ass's ears shoul»i prove the diminution of the baboon's — nay, seek not to prevaricate, for, by the beard of jEsculapius ! there is not one hair in this periwig that will not stand up in judgment to cnvict thee of personal abuse. Do but observe, captain, how this pitiful little fellow has copied the very curls — the colour, indeed, is different, but then the form and foretop are quite similar.' While he thus remonstrated in a strain of vociferation, a venei-able senator entered, and waddling up to the delinquent, ' Jackanapes ! ' cried he, ' I will now let thee see I can read something else than a newspaper, and that without the help of spectacles : here is your own note of hand, sirrah, for money, which if I had not advanced, you yourself would have resembled an owl, in not daring to show your face by day, you migrateful slanderous knave ! '

In vain the astonished painter declared that he had no intention to give offence, or to characterise particular persons : they aflirmed the resemblance was too palpable to be overlooked ; they taxed him with insolence, malice, and ingratitude ; and their clamours being overheard by the public, the captain was a bear, the doctor an ass, and the senator an owl, to his dying day.

Christian reader, I beseech thee, in the bowels of the Lord, remember this example while thou art employed in the perusal of the following sheets ; and seek not to appropriate to thyself that which equally belongs to five hundred different people. If thou shouldst meet with a character that reflects thee in some ungracious particular, keep thy own counsel ; consider that one feature makes not a face, and that though thou art, perhaps, distinguished by a bottle nose, twenty of thy neighbours may be in the same predicament.

CHAPTEE I.

Of vny Birth and Education.

I WAS born in the northern part of this united kingdom, in the house of my grandfather, a gentleman of considerable fortune and influence, who had on many occasions signalised himself in behalf of his country ; and was remarkable for his abilities in the law, which he exercised with great success in the station of a judge, particularly against beggars, for whom he had a singular aversion.

My father (his youngest son) falling in love with a j)oor relation, who lived with the old gentleman in quality of a housekeeper, espoused her privately; and I was the first fruit of that marriage. Diiring her pregnancy, a dream discomposed my mother so much that her husband, tired with her importunity, at last consulted a highland seer, whose favourable interpretation he would have secured beforehand by a bribe, but found him incorruptible. She dreamed she was delivered of a tennis-ball, which the devil (who, to her great surprise, acted the part of a midwife) struck so forcibly with a racket that it disappeared in an instant ; and she was for some time inconsolable for the loss of her offspring ; when, all on a sudden, she beheld it return with equal violence, and enter the earth, beneath her feet, whence immediately sprang up a goodly tree covered with blossoms, the scent of which operated so strongly on her nerves that she awoke. The attentive sage, after some deliberation, assured my parents, that their firstborn would be a great traveller ; that he would undergo many dangers and difficulties, and at last return to his native land, where ho would flora-ish in happiness and reputation. How truly this was foretold will appear in the sequel. It was not long before some officious person informed my grandfather of certain familiarities that passed between his son and housekeeper, which alarmed him so much that, a few days after, he told my father it was high time for him to think of settling; and that he had provided a match for him, to which he could in justice have no objections.

My father, finding it would bo impossible to conceal his situation much longer, frankly o'wned what he had done ; and excused himself for not having asked the consent of his father, by saying, he knew it would have been to no purpose ; and that, had his inclination been known, my grandfather might have taker, siich measures as would have effectually put the gratification of it out of his power : he added, that no exceptions could be taken to tia wile's virtue, birth, beauty, and good sense, and as for fortune, it was bene.ith his care. The old gentleman, . who kept all his passions, except one, in excellent order, heard him to an end with great temper, and then calmly asked, how he proposed to maintain himself and spouse ? He replied, he coiild be in no danger of wanting while his father's tenderness remained, which he and his wife should always cultivate with the utmost veneration ; and he was persuaded his allowance would be suitable to the dignity and circumstances of his family, and to the provision already made for his brothers and sisters, who were happily settled under his protection. ' Your brothers and sisters,' said my grandfather, ' did not think it beneath them to consult me in an affair of such importance as matrimony; neither, I suppose, would you have omitted that piece of duty, had you not some secret fund in reserve ; to the comforts of which I leave you, with a desire that you will this night seek out another habitation for yourself and wife, whither, in a short time, I will send you an account of the expense I have been at in your education, wif h a view of being reimbursed. Sir, you have made the grand tour — jou are a polite gentleman — a very pretty gentleman — I wish you a great deal of joy, and am your very humble servant.'

So saying, he left my father in a situation easily imagined. However, ho did not long hesitate ; for, being perfectly well acquainted with his father's disposition, he did not doubt that he was glad of this pretence to get rid of him ; and his resolves being as in^'ariable as the laws of the Medes and Persians, he knew it would be to no purpose to attempt him by prayers and entreaties ; so without any farther application, he betook himself, with his disconsolate bedfellow, to a farm-house, Avherc an old servant of his mother dwelt : there they remained some time in a situation but ill adapted to the elegance of their desires and tenderness of their love ; which nevertheless my father chose to endure, rather than supplicate an unnatural and inflexible parent : but my mother, foreseeing the inconveniences to which she must have been exposed, had she been delivered in this place (and her lare.gnancy was very far advanced), without communicating her design to her husband, went in disguise to the house of my grandfather, hoping that her tears and condition would move him to compassion, and reconcile him to an event which was now irrecoverably past.

She found means to deceive the servants, and get introduced as an unfortunate lady, who wanted to complain of some matrimonial

RODERICK RANDOM.

grievances, it being my grandfather's particular province to decide in all cases of scandal. She was accordingly admitted into his presence, where, discovering herself, she fell at his feet, and in the most affecting manner implored his forgiveness ; at the same time renresenting the danger that threatened not only her life, but that of his own grandchild, which was about to see the light, He told her he was soriy that the indiscretion of her and his son had compelled him to make a vow, which put it out of his power to give them any assistance; that he had already imparted his thoughts on that subject to her husband, and was surprised that they should disturb his peace with any farther importunity. This said, he retired.

The violence of my mother's afHiction had such an effect on her constitution that she was immediately seized with the pains of childbed; and had not an old maidservant, to whom she was very dear, afforded her pity and assistance, at the hazard of incurring my grandfather's displeasure, she and the innocent fruit of her womb must have fallen miserable victims to his rigour and inhumanity. By the friendship of this poorwoman, she was carried up to a garret, and immediately delivered of a man child, the story of whose unfortunate birth he himself now relates. My father, being informed of what had happened, flew to the embraces of his darling spouse, and while he loaded his offspring with paternal embraces, could not forbear shedding a flood of tears on beholding the dear partner of his heart (for whose ease he would have sacrificed the treasures of the east) stretched upon a flock bed, in a miserable apartment, unable to protect her from the inclemencies of the weather. It is not to be supposed that the old gentleman was ignorant of what passed, though he affected to knownothing of the matter, and pretended to be very much surprised, when one of his grandchildren, by his eldest son deceased, who lived with him as his heirapparent, acquainted him with the affair ; he determined therefore to observe no medium, but immediately (on the third day after her delivery) sent her a peremptory order to be gone, and turned off the servant who had preserved her life. This behaviour so exasperated my father that he had recourse to the most dreadful imprecations ; and on his bare knees implored that Heaven would renounce him if ever he should forget or forgive the barbarity of his sire.

The injuries which this unhappy mother received from her removal in such circumstances, and the want of necessaries whore she lodged, together with her grief and anxiety of mind, soon threw her into a languishing disorder, which put an end to her life. My father, who loved her tenderly, was so affected with her death that he remained six weeks deprived of his senses; during which time, the people where he lodged carried the infant to the old man who relented so far, oil hearing the melancholy story of his daughter-inlaw's death, and the deplorable condition of his son, as to send the child to nurse, and he ordered my father to be carried home to his house, where he soon recovered the use of his reason.

Whether this hardhearted judge felt any remorse for his cruel treatment of his son and daughter, or (which is more probable) was afraid his character would suffer in the neighbourhood, he professed great sorrow for his conduct to my father, whose delirium was succeeded by a profound melancholy and reserve. At length he disappeared, and, notwithstanding all imaginable inquiry, could ' not be heard of; a circumstance which confirmed most people in the opinion of his having made away with himself in a fit of despair, H )w I understood the particulars of my birlu will appear in the course of these memoirs.

Chapter II

I groiv up — am hated ?)i/ my Relaiions — sent to ScJiool — neglected by my Grandfather — maltreated hy my Master — seasoned to Adversity — I form Cabals against the Pedant— am debarred Access to my randfather — hunted by his Heir — I demolish the Teeth of his Tutor.

THERE were not wanting some who suspected my uncles of being concerned in my father's fate, on the supposition that they would all share in the p.atrimony destined for him ; and tliis conjecture was strengthened by reflecting, that in all his calamities they never discovered the least inclination to serve him ; but, on the contrary, by all the artifices in their power, fed his father's resentment, and supported his resolution of leaving him to misery and want. But people of judgment treated this insinuation as an idle chimera ; because, had my relations been so wicked as to consult their interest by committing such an atrocious crime, the fate of my father would have extended to me too, whose life was another obstacle to their expectation. Meanwhile, I grew apace, and as I strongly resembled my father, who was the darling of the tenants, I wanted nothing which their indigent circumstances could afford : but their favour was a weak resource against the jealous enmity of my cousins : who, the more my infancy promised, conceived the more im- ]ilacable hatred against mo : and before I was six years of age, had so effectually blockaded my grandfatlier that I never s.av/ him but by stealth, when I sometimes made up to his chair as he sat to view his labourers in the field : on which occasion he would stroke my head, bid me be a good boy, and promise to take care of me.

I was soon after sent to school at a village hard by, of which he had been dictator time out of mind ; but, as he never paid for my board, nor supplied me with clothes, books, aud other neoc s varies I reqiiired, my condition was very rag-g-eil and contemptible, and the schoolmaster, who, through fear of my grandfather, taught mo (jratis, gave himself no concern about the progress I made under hiS instruction. In spite of all these difficulties and disgraces, I became a good proficient in the La.tin tongue ; and, as soon as I could write tolerably, pestered my grandfather with letters to such a degree that he sent for my master, and chid him severely for bestowing such pains on my education, telling liim that, if ever I should be brought to the gallows for forgery, which he had taught me to commit, my blood would lie on his head.

The pedant, who dreaded nothing more than the displeasure of his patron, assured his honour that the boy's ability was more owing to his own genius and application than to any instruction or encouragement he received; that, although he could not divest him of the knowledge he had already imbibed, unless he would empower him to disable his fingers, he should endeavour, with God's h.olp, to prevent his future improvement. And, indeed, he punctually perlormed what he had undertaken ; for, on pretence that I had written impertinent letters to my grandfather, he caused a board to be made with five holes in it, through which ho thrust the fingers and thumb of my right hand, and fastened it by whipcord to my wrist, in such a manner as ett'ectually debarred mo the use of my pen. But this restraint I was freed from in a few days, by an accident which happened in a quarrel between me and another boy ; who, taking upon him to insult my poverty, I was so incensed at his ungenerous reproach that with one stroke with my machine I cut him to the skull, to the great terror of myself and schoolfellows, who left him bleeding on the ground, and ran to inform the master of what had happened. I was so severely punished for this trespass that, were I to live to the age of Metlmsalem, the impression it made on me would not bo effaced ; no more than the antipathy and horror I conceived for the merciless tyrant who inflicted it. The contempt which my appearance naturally produced ill all who saw me, the continual wants to whi( h T was exposed, and my own haiighty disposi ion, impatient of affronts, involved me in a thousand troublesome adventures, by which I was at length inured in adversity, and emboldened to undertakings far above my years. I was often inhumanly scourged for crimes I did not commit, because, having the character of a vagabond in the village, every piece of mischief, whose author lay unknown, was charged upon me. I have been found guilty of robbing orchards I never entered, of killing cats I never hnrted, of stealing gingerbread I never touched, and of abusing old women I never saw. Nay, a stammering carpenter had eloquence cnoiigh to persuade my master that I fired a pistol loaded with small shot into his v.'indow;

though my landlady and the whole family bore v/itness that I was abed fast asleep at the time when this outrage was committed. I was once flogged for having narrowly escaped dro\\^ling, V>_y the sinking of a ferry boa,t in which I was passenger. Another time, for having recovered of a bruise occasioned by a horse and cart running over me. A third time, for being bitten by a baker's dog. In short, whether I was guilty or unfortunate, the correction and sympathy oi' this arbitrary pedagogue were the same.

Far from being subdued by this infernal usage, my indignation triumphed over that slavisla awe which had hitherto enforced my obedience ; and the more my years and knowledge increased, the more I perceived the injustice and barb;irity of his behaviour. T!y the help of an uncommon genius, and the advice and dii-ection of our usher, who had served my father in his travels, I made a surprising progress in the classics, wi-iting, and arithmetic ; so that, before I was twelve years old, I was allowed by everybody to be the best scholar in the school. This qualification, together with a boldness of temper and strength of make which had subjected almost all my contemporaries, gave me such influence o\CT them that I began to form cabals against my persecutor ; and was in hope of being able to bid him defiance in a verj^ short time. Being at the head of a faction, consisting of thirty boj's, most of them of my own age, I was determined to put their mettle to trial, that I might know how far they were to be depended upon, before I put my grand scheme in execution : with this view, we attacked a body of stout apprentices, who had taken possession of a part of the ground allotted to us for the scheme of our diversions, and who were then playing at ninepins on the spot ; but I had the mortification to seo my adherents routed in an instant, and a leg of one of them broke in his flight by tho bowl, which oko of our adversai'ies had detached in pursuit of us. This discomfiture did not hinder us from engaging them afterwards in frequent skirmishes, which we maintained by throwing stones at a distance, wherein I received many wounds, the scars of which still remain. Our enemies were so harassed and interrupted by these alarms that they at last abandoned their conqiiest, and left us to the peaceable enjoyment of our own territories.

It would be endless to enumerate the exploits wo performed in the course of this confederacy, which became the terror of tho whole village ; insomuch that, when dift'erent interests divided it, one of the parties cobimonly courted tho assistance of Roderick Random (by whioh name I was known) to cnst the balance, and keep the opposite faction in awe. Meanwhile, I took the advantage of every play-day to present myseU' before my grandfather, to whom I seldcui found access, by reason of his being closely besieged by a numerous family of his female grandchildren, who, though they perpetually quarrelled among themselves, never failed to join against me, as the common enemy of aU. His heir, who was about the age of eighteen, minded nothing but fox-hunting, and indeed was qualified for nothing else, notwithstanding his grandfather's indulgence in entertaining a tutor for him at home ; who at the same time performed the office of parish clerk. This young Acta3on, who inherited his grandfather's antipathy to everything in distress, never sat eyes on me Avithout uncoupling his beagles, and hunting me into some cottage or other, whither I generally fled for shelter. In this Christian amusement he was encouraged by his preceptor, who, no doubt, took such opportunities to ingratiate himself with the rising sun, observing, that the old gentleman, according to the course of nature, had not long to live, for he was already on the verge of fourscore.

The behaviour of this rascally sycophant incensed me so much, that one day, when I was beleaguered by him and his hounds in a farmer's house, where I had found protection, I took aim at him (being an excellent marksman) Avith a large pebble, which struck out four of his foreteeth, and effectually incapacitated him from doing the office of a clerk.

CHAPTEE III.

My Mother's Brother arrives— relieves me — a Description of him — he goes along with me to the House of my Grandfather — is encountered by his Dogs — defeats them, after a bloody Engagemeni-r^s admitted to the old Gentleman — a Dialogue between tliem.

ABOUT this time my mother's onlj' brother, who had boon long abroad, lieutenant of a man-of-war, arrived in his own country ; where being informed of my condition, ho came to see me, and out of his slender finances not only supplied me with what necessaries I wanted for the present, but resolved not to leave the country until ho had prevailed on my grandfather to settle something handsome for tiie future. This was a task to which he was by no means equal, being entirely ignorant, not only of the judge's disposition, but also of the ways of men in general, to which his education on board had kept him an utter stranger.

Ho was a strong built man, somewhat bandy legged, with a neck like that of a bull, and a face which (you might easily perceive) had withstood the most obstinate assaults of thp weather. His dress consisted of a soldier's coat altered for him by the ship's tailor, a striped flannel jacket, a pair of red breeches japanned with pitch, clean gray worsted stockings, large silver buckles that covered three-fourths of his shoes, a silver-laced hat, whoso crown overlooked the brims about an inch .^nd a half, a black bobwig in buckle, a check shirt, a silk handkerchief, a hanger, with a brass handle, girded to his thigh by a tarnished lace belt, and a good oak j)lant under his arm. Thus equipped, he set out with me (who by his bounty made a very decent appearance) for my grandfather's house, where we were saluted by Jowler and Ca3sar, whom my cousin, young master, had let loose at our approach. Being well acquainted with the inveteracy of these curs, I was about to betake myself to my heels, when my uncle seized me with one hand, brandished his cudgel with the other, and at one blow laid Cassar sprawling on the ground ; but, finding himself attacked at the same time in the rear by Jowler, and fearing Caesar might recover, he drew his hanger, wheeled about, and by a lucky stroke severed Jowler' s head from his body. By this time, the young foxhunter and three servants, armed with pitchforks and flails, were come to the assistance of the dogs, whom they found breathless upon the field ; and my cousin was so provoked at the death of his favourites, that he ordered his attendants to advance, and take vengeance on their executioner, whom he loaded with aU the curses and reproaches his anger could suggest. Upon which my uncle stepped forwards with an undaunted air, at the sight of whose bloody weapons his antagonists fell back with precipitation, when ho accosted their leader thus :

' Lookee, brother, your dogs haAring boarded me without provocation, what I did was in my OAvn defence. So you had best be civil, and let us shoot a head, clear of you.'

Whether the young squire misinterpreted my uncle's desire of peace, or was enraged at the fate of his hounds beyond his usual pitch of resolution, I know not ; but ho snatched a flail from one of his followers, and came up with a show of assaulting the lieutenant, who, putting himself in a posture of defence, proceeded thus : ' Lookee, you lubberly son of a w — e, if you come athwart me. 'ware your gingerbread work. I'll be foul of your quarter, d — n me.'

This declaration, followed by a flourish of his hanger, seemed to check the progress of the young gentleman's choler, who, looking behind him, perceived his attendants had slunk into the house, shut the gate, and left him to decide the contention by himself.

Here a parley ensued, which was introduced by my cousins asking, 'Who the devil are you r' Wliat do you want ? Some scoundrel of a seaman, I suppose, who has deserted and turned thief. But don't think you shall escape, sirrah — I'll have you hang'd, you dog, I will. Your blood shall pay for that of my two hoimds, you ragamuffin. I would not have parted with them to save your whole generation from the gallows, you ruffian, you !' ' None of your jaw, you swab — none of your jaw,' replied my uncle, ' else I shall trim your laced jacket for you. I shall rub you down with an oaken towel, my boy — I shall.' So sayinj?, he sheathed his hanger, and grasped his cudgel. Meanwhile the people of the house being alarmed, one of my female cousins opened a window, and asked what was the matter. 'The matter!' answered the lieutenant ; ' no great matter, young woman ; I have business with the old gentleman, and this spark, belike, won't allow me to come alongside of him, that's all.' After a few minutes' pause we were admitted, and conducted to my grandfather's chamber through a lane of my relations, who honoured me with very significant looks as I passed along. When we came into the judge's presence, my uncle, after two or three sea-bows, expressed himself in this manner; 'Your servant, your servant. What cheer, father ? what cheer ? I suppose you don't know me — mayhap you don't. My name is Tom Bowling, and this here boy, you look as if you did not know him neither ; 'tis like you mayn't. He's new rigged, i'faith ; his cloth don't shake in the wind so much as it wont to do. 'Tis my nephew, d"y see, Roderick Random — j'our own flesh and blood, old gentleman.