The son of a millioniare[!] a play in four acts ...

Front matter

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ACT I. As A Freshman in College

Scene : The stage, which remains unchanged throughout the play, represents a conventional room in a College Dormitory. At the back center are a mantelpiece and fireplace, by the side of which is a stand containing a shovel and tongs. On either side of the mantelpiece, to the Right and Left, are windozvs. Beside them are small book cases, and under them seats filled with sofa cushions. On the walls hang pictures, college flags, foils and at least two pairs of boxing gloves. In the room is a table on zvhich are books, paper, pens, ink, cigars and a match-box. Around the table are chairs. Entrances by doors at the Right Second and Right Upper, and Left Second and Left Upper. All the doors except at Left Second stand open. Throughout the play, all the men wear or carry caps or hats when they enter the room at the Left Second or when they leave by that entrance; and all the women are in outdoor costume. The curtain rising reveals Dan, Pete, Ben and Other Students, all with caps in their hands, singing College Songs.

Dan {putting on his cap and moving toward the Left Second). No prospect of Hugh's, being here just yet! I move to adjourn.

Exit — Left Second — Dan, Pete, Ben and the Other Students.

Enter — Left Second — Mr. Money. He stands holding the door open.

Enter — Left Second — Mrs. Van Worth, Dr. Cator and Bert Van- Worth.

Mrs. VanWorth {speaking to the Doctor). It was very kind of you to come down and introduce us here, Doctor. Your Alma Mater certainly seems the very place for Bertie. But the dormitory arrangements appear so primitive and uncomfortable ! {Speaking to Mr. Money and looking around). Is this a student's room?

Mr. Money. Oh yes ! Just now it belongs to the son of one of our professors. It's on the first floor, as you see, and close by the entrance. So, while the new students are coming in, we are using it as a sort of reception room.

Mrs. Van Worth. A very pleasant one, too! Can I look about here?

Mr. Money. Certainly.

She moves toward the Right Upper Entrance, then compares what she sees beyond it with what she sees beyond the Left Upper Entrance.

Mrs. VanWorth. Two bedrooms — ^^qiiite large — with sunny outlook! (She looks through the Right Second Entrance.) And here — why ! a bathroom with all the modern conveniences ! There was nothing of this sort in the other dormitories that you showed us.

Mr. Money. Oh no ! They were rooms for the Freshmen. These are reserved for the upper classes.

Mrs. VanWorth (glancing at the Doctor tn a confused way). Upper classes !

Bert. He means in the College sense, mother.

Doctor. College is a world in itself, you know. Upperclass people outside of it are those who have been in society a generation or two; inside of it they are those who have been in college a year or two.

Mrs. VanWorth. A very arbitrary distinction, I should say !

Doctor. It is — in both cases.

Mrs. VanWorth. My son belongs to a class that has had a bathroom at home. He ought to have one here.

Bert. Oh, mother, I can get along without it !

Mrs. VanWorth. The animals in the zoological garden can get along without a tank, but they can keep cleaner with one (looking critically into the room at the Right Upper). Are both these rooms occupied? This one seems vacant.

Mr. Money. It is just now. The one who had it last year is not coming back.

Mrs. VanWorth (looking toward the Doctor). Why, then —

Doctor. I catch your thought. The surest place of refuge for one out of place is a vacancy. It rids him of the trouble of upsetting the plans of others, in order to set up his own. No need of fighting for an empty niche when using eyes can find one.

Mrs. VanWorth. Precisely. If the room be vacant, why —

Bert. But, mother, if there be a college law against it —

Mr. Money. It is not exactly a college law. One might call it a tradition.

Mrs. VanWorth. Oh, only that! What, exactly, is the tradition?

Mr. Money. What I said. These rooms usually go to the upper-classmen.

Mrs. VanWorth. I will tell you, Doctor, we can make that all

right. {To Mr. Money) If Bertie had been here last year, how

much would he have paid?

Mr. Money. For his room? For the whole year, you mean? Mrs. VanWorth, Yes, and for board, too.

Mr. Money. Oh, between four and live hundred dollars. Mrs. VanWorth. Now if we pay you that amount, although he

was not here, he'll be related to the college — will he not? — exactly

as he would have been if he had been here? Mr. Money. You mean to the treasury of the college? Mrs. VanWorth. Yes.

Bert. But, mother, I don'i want them to treat me any differently

from other students.

Mrs. VanWorth. So little comes to us in any way, my boy, that none

of us can afford not to avail ourselves of our advantages. What's

the use of having a fortune if you're obliged to live like a farmer?

{To the Doctor) You know I can never get this boy to look out

for himself.

Bert. Not your fault, mother ! You have tried to train me to it

hard enough.

Doctor {to Bert). And you think that, besides looking out, one

occasionally needs to look in, eh?

Bert. Yes ; the farmer may have as much to think about as if he

were always thinking of a fortune ; and what one thinks makes up

the most of what one's life is.

Mrs. VanWorth {to Doctor). Isn't he a strange child. Doctor? Doctor. So strange, I think you are quite right in giving him an

education. Only one in three or four of those who come here

seems to think enough to make that project worth while. Mrs. VanWorth. What do they come here for, then? Dr. Cator. They must go somewhere at their age. One couldn't

keep them at home, and have much pleasure there. Here they can

get rid of their surplus energy by knocking and kicking around

for a time in athletics, and, when they get through with that,

they can play billiards in the University Club. Mrs. VanWorth. I thought they came here to cultivate their understanding.

Dr. Cator. So they do ; but part of everybody's understanding is

in his heels.

Bert. And those that cultivate only their heels are in danger of

using them, by and by, mainly in trampling other people down. Dr. Cator. Where did you learn that, Bert? When your father

made his toss for you he landed something with the head up. Mrs. VanWorth {to Mr. Money). But about this room, Mr.

Money. Is there any objection to the conditions that I mentioned?

You kn6w I would rather pay double the five hundred dollars

than have my son uncomfortable.

Mr. Money. I hardly see how there could be any objection on the

part of the college. The students — Mrs. VanWorth. Oh, we could make it all right with them ! You

mean the one that rooms here?

Mr. Money. Yes, mainly; yes, of course.

Mrs. VanWorth. The son of a professor, you say? There isn't

any son of a professor, is there, who wouldn't like to room with

the son of a millionaire? There are quite a number of things,

you know, that we could do for him. I imagine we could repay

him at least for this room.

Mr. Money. Of course. 1 think, though, that I ought to ask him

first. You see the situation is unusual. Why, here he comes !

Enter — Left Second — Hugh.

{To Hugh) We are using your room, Hugh, as we threatened to do.

Enter — Left Second — Ida.

Ah, Miss Ida, too. {To Mrs. VanWorth) Mrs. VanWorth, this is Miss Ida Wright, and Mr. Hugh Wright {to Ida and Hugh) Dr. Cator and Mr. VanWorth. This young gentlemen has been looking for a room. They are not satisfied with anything that I have shown them.

Bert. I beg your pardon, Mr. Money. I'm well enough satisfied. It's mother you mean.

Mr. Money. Yes, of course. But, of course, you want to do as your mother wishes. Mrs. VanWorth has offered to pay {looking at Mrs. VanWorth) —

Mrs. VanWorth. A thousand dollars.

Mr. Money. A thousand dollars — twice as much as the young man would have paid already, if he had been here last year — in case the college will waive the fact that he was not here, and allow him to room with you.

Hugh. I see.

Mr. Money. And will you allow it?

Hugh. Humph! It would hardly be right to deprive the college of a thousand dollars.

Ida {to Hugh). But Hugh —

Mrs. VanWorth {to Mr. Money). It doesn't concern the young lady, does it?

Ida {to Mrs. VanWorth). No; not directly.

Mrs. VanWorth. Is the room engaged?

Doctor {mischievously). Perhaps she wishes it for something that will be.

Ida. Beg your pardon. I wasn't thinking of any one in particular, but of the college traditions. I thought that it might not be pleasant.

Mrs. VanWorth. For your brother, I suppose. (To Bert) Not very flattering for you, Bert.

Ida. Oh, I am sorry ! I wasn't thinking of him, either, except as he would be a Freshman in an upper-classman's room.

Mrs. VanWorth. But you understand. We have made that all right.

Ida. Yes, I understand; but there are so many kinds of understanding. One can never judge of what other people will understand. (To Hugh) You think you ought to do it, Hugh?

Hugh. Why not? — if Mr. Money thinks it all right. He's the one in charge here.

Mrs. VanWorth. We can have the room, then?

Hugh. So far as I am concerned, yes.

Mrs. VanWorth. Come right in today?

Hugh. Certainly.

Bert. But, mother —

Mrs. VanWorth (to Bert). Oh, my boy, my boy, you will never have any success in life unless you learn to avail yourself of your opportunities. Think of what a chance this is. (To Hugh) You are very kind, Mr. Wright. (To Bert) Far better than we could have expected. (To Hugh) And there are ways in which I think that we can prove to you, by and by, that it was quite wise for you to be so accommodating. (To Bert) Let's go now and get the trunks, and then come back and get you settled. (To Hugh, ignoring Ida) Good by, Mr. Wright.

Exeunt — Left Second — Mrs. VanWorth, the Doctor and Bert.

Ida (to Hugh). Why did you let him come here?

Hugh. How could I help it? Could the son of a professor, knowing the financial condition of the college, refuse a contribution of a thousand dollars?

Ida. But — for the sake of the young man ! You know how they'll haze him — a Freshman buying his way into an upper-classman's room!

Hugh. The experience may do him good.

Ida. But what'll it do for you? If you have a row here, it's you will be held responsible — all the more so because the son of a professor.

Hugh. Yes ; but think of the delight afforded the other professors in case the son of my father gets into trouble ! Besides, I shall die in a good cause. When you think of how a college president swells if he gets a thousand dollars, I, the mere son of a mere professor, can afford to burst.

Enter — Left Second — Dan Strong.

Dan. Hello, Hugh ! Good day, Miss Ida. So you are the people we have just been hearing about!

Hugh. How so?

Dan. Didn't that old woman and her Freshman son go out of here just now — with old "Money bags"?

Hugh. I think that describes the party.

Dan. Do you know what she said?

Hugh. Who?

Dan. The old woman.

Hugh. What was it?

Dan (imitating). "Bertie," she said, "did you notice how I kept down that uppish young woman? It's very important to learn how, merely by one's manner, to indicate the distance that separates a person of that sort from oneself." (To Ida) Were j^ou the uppish young woman, Miss Ida?

Ida. I fear I was.

Dan. I hope you felt properly humiliated.

Ida. I hope so.

Dan. Like a lamb kicked by a goat, I suppose. You know, I never like to see a woman kick. Her dress doesn't go with it. It seems as if she ought to trip up ; or, if she doesn't do it of herself, be made to do it by somebod> else.

Hugh. Oh, that's only the mother ! She's a fool. The boy appears to be quite a decent fellow.

Dan (to Ida). What was the matter? Did you have a quarrel with her? What did she caution her boy against you for?

Hugh. Ida wanted to keep me from letting him room with me here?

Dan. Letting him room with you?

Hugh. Yes.

Dan. a freshman? — going to room here?

Hugh. You see I couldn't well get out of it. The old woman offered Money-bags a thousand dollars — twice as much as the college would have received if her boy had been here a whole year — on the condition that the college would treat him just as if he had been here, and so let him into this room. Of course, I couldn't refuse to allow the college to get a thousand dollars.

Dan. I see— but she ! — why didn't she offer four thousand dollars and get his diploma for him without his coming here at all? Humph! There's only one thing for us to do.

Hugh. What's that?

Dan. Stand up for the college, maintain its dignity, and show him there are a few things here that money can't buy. One thing is the experience of Freshman year.

Ida. What did I tell you, Hugh?

Dan. When you were uppish, eh? They should have harkened to you. Those who are too stupid to take hints have to be trained at times by getting hits. Who are these money slingers, anyway?

Hugh. Why, the Van Worths.

Dan. Are they! and that young fellow, I suppose, is the heir that the papers have been talking so much about? We can give them more to talk about.

Hugh. But, really, he seems quite respectable. He didn't want to room here. It was his mother. She almost forced it on him.

Dan. All right ! Then we must deal with his mother, too.

Hugh. You are logical, Dan. But logic is a lance that never hits what lies outside its range.

Dan. And is never used by a wise man except on what gets inside his range. Isn't she coming back here again today?

Hugh. Yes, I think so. They have gone after the trunks.

Dan. Well, I shall be back soon to help her; and I purpose to bring some town-girls with me, girls that will do what you, Miss Ida, apparently, can't do.

Ida. What's that?

Ida. How so?

Dan. In a book, and, sometimes, in other places, where there is danger that people can't understand what is said, a footnote is brought in (kicking out his foot). When this is done, sometimes one uses a star if he can. Do you recall Ben Wylie, the star actress of our college-comedy last term?

Hugh. You don't mean? —

Dan. He has all his fuss-up in his closet now; and for two days has been fluttering around all the Freshmen on the ground like a forty-year old maid— excuse me Miss Ida— in an endeavor to make some practical use of it.

Hugh (laughing). Oh, Dan !

Dan. And, Miss Ida, you must stay and help us.

Ida. Oh, I can't do that!

Dan. Yes you can. You can't avoid it, when you think of all the fun. Come, promise me that you'll stay. The whole thing will be so much more effective if we have a real lady present. The contrast between the uppish and (stroking his chin) the downish will be so artistic.

Ida. Well, I'll think about it.

Dan. "I go, but I return."

Exit— Left Second — Dan.

Ida (to Hugh). Of course, I oughtn't to stay.

Hugh. I don't know. Perhaps you ought. You see, if you do,

they'll be much more gentlemanly— perhaps I ought to say more

ladylike.

Ida. Will make less noise, you think?

Hugh. Yes; and the faculty will be much less likely to find us out. Besides, if they do find us out — either the faculty or the Van- Worths, for that matter — they'll be less likely to fancy the trick planned or even known by me beforehand. They wouldn't think that I would want to have you present at a premeditated hazing. {Knock at the door at Left Second) Come in.

Enter — Left Second — Mrs. VanWorth and Bert.

Ah, back again ! We had hardly expected you so soon. Mrs. VanWorth. We found the expressman just outside on the

campus. He is going to get the trunks and bring them up right

off. {Looking at Ida rather superciliously) I see your sister is

here yet.

Hugh. Yes ; during the vacation she has been here, doing more or

less studying with me. After this, of course, she'll have to stay

at home.

Mrs. VanWorth {still addressing Hugh). What has she been

studying?

Hugh. The same things that I have. She intends to go through

the whole course with me.

Mrs. VanWorth. This is not a coeducational institution? Hugh. Oh no, she doesn't attend recitations or lectures. She

merely studies; and I help her out; or, if I can't, father does it. Mrs. VanWorth. I should be afraid that studying all the while

she would have but little time left for what is so important in a

young woman — to learn that which comes from going into society. Hugh. To tell the truth, Mrs. VanWorth, I'm afraid there isn't

very much of what you would term society here. What society

we have is mainly made up of the fellows. Mrs. VanWorth. And a fellow is not exactly the term that one

would like to apply to a person who is to associate with his sister, Bert. Oh, but, mother, as a college term, it means, you know — Mrs. VanWorth. I fear it means that the standards of society

are not always maintained by our young men when away from

home.

Hugh. Really, now, Mrs. VanWorth — Mrs. VanWorth. Of course, Mr. Wright, one would expect you

to defend them. It's perfectly proper too. You were brought up

in this atmosphere, so to speak. Are there many young ladies in

town ?

Hugh {thinking of the expected comedy-actors). Yes — such as

they are !

Mrs. Van Worth (to Bert). Did you hear that, Bertie? {To

Hugh) You know, of course, the customs of the city and of the

country are different. We have been very careful about Bertie, and, in case you should find him not associating with the people of the town as much as you might expect, you will understand his feelings, and know what his reasons are. Hugh. Certainly.

Knock at Left Second Entrance.

Hugh goes to open the door.

Enter — Left Second — Expressmen with two trunks.

(The trunks are placed at the Right, unstrapped by the Expressmen, and then unlocked and opened by Bert.)

Exeunt — Left Second — Expressmen.

Enter — Left Second — Dan Strong.

Hugh. Oh, is this you, Dan? (To Mrs. Van Worth) Mrs. Van- Worth, this is Mr. Strong, and (to Dan) this is Mr. Van Worth. He is coming here to room with me.

(Mrs. Van Worth boivs. Bert rises from the trunk that he has been opening, moves tozvard Dan, and, as Dan puts out his hand, takes it and shakes it.)

Dan (to Hugh). Is he? (To Bert) I congratulate you. Such comfortable quarters ! — and Hugh is such a fine fellow, and goes with such a fine set !

Bert. Yes.

Dan. Yes, of course — the son of a professor, you know — and so much better for you than if he went with a set of hazers !

Mrs. VanWorth. Hazers? Do they have them in this college?

Dan. I should rather think they had ! You know James H. Gore, don't you, the great criminal lawyer of New York?

Mrs. VanWorth. I know who he is.

Dan. Well, they say they killed his son here a few years ago — put him under the pump, and gave him pneumonia.

Mrs. VanWorth. Under the pump?

Dan. Why, yes! You never heard of that? That's an old trick. Some time, when the thermometer is about twenty degrees below zero, it wouldn't be surprising to see a good part of the whole campus white with Freshmen in their nightgowns, all frozen to them, standing in line like the marble statues lining the Sieger Alley that one reads about in Berlin.

Mrs. VanWorth (in evident agitation). What?

Dan. Oh, not Hugh and his friends ! They don't do such things. That's the reason why I was congratulating your son.

Mrs. VanWorth (to Dan). But you really mean to say — (She continues to talk to Dan at the left).

Ida (who has gone to the right, and is standing near Bert and addressing him). You seem a little incredulous, Mr. VanWorth?

Bert {glancing at her cautiously). Yes.

Ida. To tell the truth, I'm rather glad of it. It's well for Freshmen to be cautious, you know. There are all sorts of pitfalls here. If you tumble in too deeply when a Freshman it may be the end of Senior year before you can get out.

Bert. I hardly expect to be made as easy a prey as that?

Ida. I hope not.

Bert {looking at her critically). Why not?

Ida {rather embarrassed) . Why — you are going to room with my brother; and, next to having him popular himself, I should like to have him have a popular chum.

Bert. Yes, I see. Thank you. It's well my mother came with me. This'll let them know something about our family.

Dan {to Mrs. VanWorth, zvho has approached the trunks again). Can't I help you unpack, Mrs. VanWorth?

Mrs. VanWorth. You are very kind. {She hands him a case in ivhich, exposed to view, are a silver hacked set of brushes and combs.)

Dan. Why, these are fine ! How beautiful, and how appropriate ! {He takes them to the left, where arc Ida and Hugh, zvhile Bert stays at the right to help his mother) Just the things to go with this room ! No wonder they didn't want Bertie in a Freshman dormitory! {To Hugh and Ida, as he exhibits zvhat he holds) Did you ever see anything so ridiculous? {He places it on the table.)

Hugh {smiling). Yes — in a novel.

Dan. But then only when some one was going to be married.

Hugh. I feel as if / were going to be married. He's to be my chum.

Dan. You wait a little. {Glancing significantly toward the Left Second Entrance) I'll show you in a minute whom you ought to marry. (Mrs. VanWorth ajid Bert are taking from the trunk a gorgeous colored dressing gown and smoking cap. Dan, Hugh and Ida notice them) Look at those things, will you? — we'll have to found a new secret society, dress him up in them, and make him the high cockalorum of the whole shebang.

Hugh. It's a pretty bad thing to be born with such a fool for a

mother.

Dan. But worse not to be weaned from her. {A knocking on the

door at the Left Second) Here come the milk carts now, I

guess.

(Dan goes to the door and opens it.)

Enter — Left Second — Ben Wylie arid another Student. {Both are dressed in the outdoor walking hats and gowns of ladies. Ben is very graceful. The other is evidently embarrassed, and is occasionally awkward.)

Dan {with profuse politeness to the two as they enter). Oh, Miss Crozier and Miss VanDeuzen ! How do you do? You came here to find Miss Ida, I suppose?

Ben. Yes, we heard that she was here.

Dan. You heard the truth. Walk in — will you not?

Ben {with apparent embarrassment). Excuse us. We are not making a call, you know — came merely on an errand. It was important.

Dan. But now that you are here — you are not the only ladies present, you see. (Mrs. VanWorth and Bert stand looking at Ben and his companion.) By the way, how fortunate! — just the opportunity! {To Mrs. VanWorth) Mrs. VanWorth, will you allow me? These ladies have called in accidentally to find Miss Ida. {Introducing the two) Miss Crozier and Miss VanDeuzen. (Mrs. VanWorth bows, as do Ben and his companion) Mr. VanWorth. (Bert bows. The two who have just entered keep at the left, and, apparently, talk with Ida and Hugh.) (Dan, after introducing the two, crosses to the right, and talks to Mrs. VanWorth. Bert takes some clothing from the trunk.)

Exit — Right Upper — Bert.

Mrs. VanWorth {to Dan, referring to the newcomers). Do they

live in the town here?

Dan. Only temporarily. They have several residences, I believe.

Mr. Crozier, you know, has a gold mine out in Nevada ; and Mr.

VanDeuzen is his partncx'.

Mrs. VanWorth. They seem very ladylike.

Dan. Oh, they are, very, very.

(Ben and his companion come toward Mrs. VanWorth.)

Mrs. VanWorth {to the two). Am glad to meet you, young ladies. {Pointing to the trunk). We were just unpacking.

Ben. Is your son going to occupy this room?

Mrs. VanWorth. Yes.

Ben. a Sophomore, or a Junior, I suppose.

Mrs. VanWorth. Oh, no — a Freshman ! I see ; you think it strange that my son should get this room when a Freshman. But we have arranged all that. You know that I am Mrs. VanWorth.

Ben. Oh, yes, I understand. My papa has said so often that he wished that we could meet you. Have you ever visited Nevada?

Mrs. VanWorth. Nevada? No.

Ben. To tell the truth, I am not so sure that you would find it interesting. But for us — we live there, you know. — We should be more apt to meet you, I suppose, at our place in Lenox, or in Newport.

Mrs. VanWorth. Yes, of course ! Are there many of your set who have places in this neighborhood?

Ben. Oh no ; not many, not many — between us, to tell the truth, hardly any at all ! But the scenery all about — you must have noticed it — is very fine ; and the people — they haven't very much money, of course, but, as papa says, they have mind; and, just as a matter of change, you see, one can be interested sometimes even in that.

Dan {coming to Ben's relief, and using for his purpose the silverbacked toilet-set that he takes from the table and brings with him, and speaking, iirst, to Mrs. VanWorth). I beg pardon. I want Miss Crozier and her friend to see this. The whole thing is so fine, and the pattern so exquisite ! (Dan, Ben and the other student cross to the left where are Hugh and Ida.)

Enter — Right Upper — Bert.

Mrs. VanWorth. Bertie, I feel like taking back part of what I said. There are, at least, some charming girls out here.

Bert {glancing tozvard the right). They are pretty good looking.

Mrs. VanWorth. Pretty good? Why, Miss Crozier there is what I should call handsome ; and, then, so intelligent and bright ! She's the daughter of that rich miner out in Nevada.

Bert. Miner? Crozier — I never heard of any such man.

Mrs. VanWorth. Why, he owns a gold mine in Nevada ; and he's her father. The other is his partner's daughter. They only come here a little while in summer. If I were you, I think I should talk to them a little, and get acquainted. It might lead to your meeting others who come here to visit them.

(Bert moves tozvard the right. Dan, who has been pointing to the dressing-gozvn, speaks to him.)

Dan. Oh, Mr. VanWorth, Miss Crozier has just been admiring this so ! — thinks the colors so harmonious — go so well with the room !

Ben {in a coquettish way). Did I say only with the room, Mr. Strong? (Bert looks at Ben, who speaks in apparent embarrassmen) Oh — I — he — he was saying that one always liked to see nice people have nice things.

Bert. Nice people, eh? {To Dan) How can you know that they are nice?

(Dan indicates clearly to the other student, Hugh and Ida that he wants Ben and Bert left to talk by themselves. All hut these tzvo more toward the left, Dan putting the toilet-set on the table.)

Ben (to Bert). Oh, any person could tell that, right away!

Bert. It's a little unwise, isn't it, to come to too sudden conclusions?

Ben. Don't you believe in instinct?

Bert. It wouldn't be polite for me to tell a j^oung lady, especially, that I didn't, would it?

Ben. Is that the only reason that you wouldn't say so?