The rhetoric of conversation : or, Bridles and spurs for the management of the tongue

Front matter

THE

RHETORIC OF CONVERSATION:

OR,

Preface

This work is the result of a purpose to write an original monograph on Conversation which should keep clear of all irrelevant matter, and at the same time contain all the instruction as to the art and ethics of talking that the most ambitious aspirant after colloquial excellence could reasonably desire. After some laborious research, the writer came to the conclusion that no complete work on this subject exclusively has ever been published in any country, not even in France, where Conversation is deservedly ranked among the arts. There are to be found, in several languages, short essays and chapters on this subject, some of which possess great merit, though many of them are vague and commonplace, some demoralizing, and all incomplete. Their incompleteness, however, should not keep any one from reading them, for though they are small, they all, except those that have an immoral tendency, help to cure the bad habits of talkers. The writer would apologise for them and for parts of his own work, in the well-known words of Galen, In medicind nihil exiguum: "In physic nothing is little."

iv

PREFACE.

We have a variety of works on Rhetoric, which teach the art of speaking in public, but not one sufficient treatise on the art of speaking in the sundry circumstances of private and social life. Hitherto we have sought to make orators of the few rather than conversers of the many ; not duly considering that it is every way more desirable that the multitude of private citizens should talk well in their daily intercourse, than that a small number of orators should know how to address them on stated occasions. Even public speakers themselves would not find it amiss to acquire some skill in this art. Whatever design they would compass by their powers of utterance, they will, in the course of a life-time, make as many, if not as deep marks, on their generation by their frequent talks as by their few speeches ; nor let them indulge the notion that the gifts and acquirements which make them orators do necessarily make them conversers also. The two characters are not often united in the same person ; for this reason, among others, that the habit of addressing public bodies, though favorable in some respects, is unfavorable in others to excellence in conversation.

As all our great authorities in Ehetoric hold that the orator should be a good man, so we affirm, a little more explicitly, that the conversationist should be a man of evangelical piety. Whether the assertion of Theremin that " eloquence is a virtue," be true or untrue, depends on the meaning he attaches to the word eloquence : thus much, however, we do hazard, that the highest style of colloquial eloquence is the result of many virtues.

Possibly some readers will meet with a few observations in this work which seem so agreeable to common sense, that they

PREFACE.

V may erroneously conclude that they had themselves previously made the like, or expressed in such simplicity and familiarity of style, that they may be ready to impute the same property to the thought. If they here read what their own observation had before taught them, they ought at least to cheerfully allow us the good sense to be of their own opinion. These coincidences will settle them more firmly in the conviction of their own wisdom, and prepare them to act upon its dictates with more freedom and boldness. Should they recollect to have seen, as possibly they may, the substance of a few of the following admonitions in the writings of others, let them only the more highly prize and diligently heed them, now that they find them still haunting them in a different garb, and supported by fresh sanctions.

Let no one suppose that the author sets up for a conversationist, or puts himself forth as an example in this particular. He knows better his own defects than to pretend to any such thing. While he can lay no claim to skill in the art of talking — as he is grievously unskilled in the art of holding his tongue, for that matter — yet he could wish that few would thence conclude him incompetent to give useful hints to those who are in all respects his superiors. Phoenix, who was chosen the companion of Achilles to teach him how to speak, never became so distinguished for eloquence as his heroic pupil. It does not require brilliant parts to be a successful instructor or a just critic. Machiavelli is of opinion that a person must be one of the people in order to judge properly of a prince. Even so it is not he who sways the colloquial sceptre that is always best prepared to discourse of intellectual kingcraft, but he who in the character of humble subject vi

PREFACE.

has been gladdened by bis clemency or troubled by his wrath.

May that God who caused the scroll of the prophet to outlive the fire on the hearth of Jehoiakim the king, and moved the men of Ephesus to burn their magical books, either command these pages to bear some humble part in teaching the art of conversing with propriety and profit, or speedily consign them to eternal forgetfulness.

Contents

CHAPTER L

Page

CHAPTER H

Chapter I. Silence

Hahpocrates, the Egyptian god of silence, was represented holding one of his fingers on his mouth. He was almost the only heathen deity that ever and in the least degree deserved imitation ; and those who paid him divine honors, idolators though they were, do not appear to have been wholly lost to the charms of virtue. But useful as the idol may have been to remind men of the general duty of silence, it was deficient in this, that it did not exemplify the duty in a variety of circumstances. It was fixed in one posture on all occasions. It is the privilege of the Christian to copy an Exemplar who, though he spoke a great deal, knew when, where, and how, to be silent. "When the Scribes and Pharisees drew an adulteress into his presence, and began to ask impertinent and insidious questions, He made no reply, but stooped down and wrote on the ground, as though He heard them not. What wisdom, dignity, modesty, and tact ! This was the eloquence, not of words, but of action. When at the grave of Lazarus, his groans were interrupted by silent weeping, the Jews, looking upon his tears, could not help exclaiming, " Behold how he loved him !" When He was accused by

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his enemies before the tribunal of Pilate, He answered not a word. This was the eloquence of silent meekness, and so powerful was it that it filled the Roman governor with wonder. In the silent look, which was such a pathetic rebuke to Peter, there was an eloquence that has found no match in the history of human oratory.

Great numbers have been ruined for the want of skill in the art of silence. Had Moses, the meekest of men, but suppressed his impatience in his own bosom, he might have been permitted to pass over to the land of promise. Had the children who met Elisha bowed before him in reverent silence, they would not have been torn in pieces. Had Michel abstained from a little persiflage, she might have been blessed with descendants. Had Peter been silent before his accusers, he might have saved himself tears of remorse. How many have closed their days in shame or sorrow because they lived long enough to say one word too many. How many who, had they the power, would warn us in the spirit of Sir Henry Wotten's lines, supposed to have been written by John Hoskins to his little child, Benjamin, from the Tower where he was imprisoned for having more volubility than the law allowed him ;

u Sweet Benjamin since thou art young, And hast not yet the use of tongue, Make it thy slave while thou art free, Imprison it, lest it do thee."

" Be swift to hear, slow to speak," is the apostolical precept ; and even the relative number of the organs of hearing and of speaking teach as much. It was a saying of Zeno, that men have one tongue and two ears, and should therefore hear much and speak little. If a person be moved by no other consideration than that of learning to talk well, he should not open himself too freely in new companies and among strangers. He should consider that every circle has its own tone, laws of decorum, and modes of thinking and talking, which he must learn by reserved observation, before he can safely take the lead of its conversations. It would do some people good if they could take a course of philosophy under the instructions of old Pythagoras. He enjoined silence on his disciples for the first two years, forbidding them during that period either to ask questions or make remarks. After they had thus learned to hold their tongues, he gradually permitted them to make inquiries, and finally to communicate their own opinions.

Laudable as a well-timed silence is, so much praise has been lavished upon it, as to lead some to say nothing, or next to nothing, in society. Taciturnity is not always an indication of wisdom ; it may be the necessity of ignorance. Some who have been taught that wise men are not great talkers, seek a reputation for wisdom at the expense of affability. Cyrus once said to a person who was always speechless in his presence : " If thou art a wise man thou doest foolishly : if thou art a fool thou doest wisely.*" Men of solitary and studious habits too commonly take for granted that they are out of their element when they are in society, and carry themselves accordingly. Though no other class of men have a greater fund of thought, few are so much at a loss for a theme, or hold themselves less in readiness for

SILENCEc talking. The modesty of some always draws a veil over their splendid intellects. The pride of others whispers to them that this is not the opportunity to set their talents in an advantageous light. Some have contracted habits of silent thinking which they cannot lay aside in seasons of recreation, else they have come from their studies with their thoughts so confused, their powers so fretted, and their nerves so sensitive, that they fear if they attempt to open their lips they shall torture themselves and all about them. Many a one has taken leave of circles in which there were men of letters, saying to himself, " I have lost my time in the company of the learned." When this distracted and absent manner is unfeigned — and we must always believe that it is, till we know it to be otherwise — it must be pitied and pardoned. While Thomas Aquinas was absorbed in controversies he was invited to dine with the king of France. He went, but was lost to those around him ; at length suddenly dropping his knife and fork, with his eyes fixed, he struck his hand upon the table crying out, " I have confuted the Manicheans." For one who is not a student to maintain a long silence, or to break it only by irrelevant remarks, is to gain the reputation of a dullard. Certain literary characters must pardon us if we say, that in our humble judgment the greatest minds are free from this infirmity. The absent-minded are stumbling blocks in society, and ought not to appear there without making an apology for not being absent also personally.

In some, taciturnity is the dictate of a self-important spirit. They foolishly fancy that to speak to

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another is to admit him to an equal footing with themselves. Lacking the common sympathies of humanity, they cast a wondering and supercilious eye upon the generality of those who make bold to accost them.

Again, we meet with those who are taciturn from bashfulness. This is beautiful in young persons; and those who labor to remove all traces of it from their manners, are only preparing them to be impudent in later years. But though modesty is comely in all, bashfulness in men and women, whether it be real or affected, is very troublesome to themselves and to their neighbors. One can hardly be at ease in the society of such people. Sympathizing with their silly looks and awkward gestures, he is apt to lose his self-possession, and appear as timid as they.

The worst kind of silence is sullenness ; and it is a fault of many kinds of taciturnity that they are apt to be mistaken for it. People that have much knowledge of the world very seldom manifest their ill nature, obstinacy, or enmity in this way ; they are careful to cover their feelings beneath a more close and comely veil. The bare suspicion that there is a sulky person in a company, fills us with painful apprehensions. He appears to us as if he were laboring under a load of hatred, which he is ready every moment to roll off upon us ; it is impossible for us in his presence to talk with freedom ; he chills and petrifies us : he is akin to the Gorgons of classic fable, who are said to have had the power of converting into stone every object on which they fixed their eyes.

It must not be overlooked, however, that the most

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affable and good humored persons have their silent moods, when it is equally tiresome to talk and to listen, A shrewd observer will readily detect this humor, and regulate his tongue accordingly.

Silence is, now and then, useful by way of reproof, more particularly when it is assisted by a corresponding look. When people are talking against their acquaintance, uttering profanities or obscenities, or wantonly taunting us, or on any other sufficient occasion, we may resume silence in a manner that will reprehend the talker. In such a case we must not only hold our peace, but avoid even a smile of seeming approval. Some have so very gay and jocular a way of rebuking, that one thinks them half delighted with the act of wickedness that called it forth. "When people bring to our ears the slanders they have heard of others, or tell us of their own grievances on purpose to obtain our favoring judgment or to enlist us on their side, then silence is commonly the part of wisdom. A hubbub which is commenced by words, it is hardly in the power of words to hush* Slander-bearers take heart from those who deign to give ear to them. When a strife of tongues has once begun in a coterie or neighborhood, the example of one or two sealed mouths does marvels in settling commotions and restoring peace. Of such persons we may say what Ignatius declared concerning the bishop of the church of Philadelphia : " His moderation I admire ; by his silence he is able to do more than others by all their vain talk. 5 '

Do not go off in raptures at the first sight of a work of nature or art, unless you mean to show your enthusiasm rather than your taste. You had better keep silence till you have formed some opinion. While Sir Joshua Reynolds was at Rome, studying the works of Raphael in the Vatican, he observed that most strangers who came to see them, began to praise them the moment their eyes fell upon them, whereas he was rather disappointed with them at first, and did not begin to appreciate them till he had made them objects of protracted study. Minds of sensitive and poetic mould are at first sight awed into silence when they contemplate natural scenery of great beauty, grandeur, or sublimity ; while persons of less taste are talkative, and are apt to give the objects before them anything but their right names.

Do not talk in church either before or after service. Silence is a mark of reverence which is due to the place and the occasion. It is a good rule among the Scotch to be silent at the breakings up of congregations. Romaine used to reprove church gossips by knocking their heads together. Even the ancient heathens were wont to hold their peace when they supposed themselves in the presence of their gods. Neither talk at a concert or where people are listening to music. "Pour not out words," says the son of Sirach, " where there is music, and show not forth wisdom out of time."

Silence is also the proper language of grief. When we are overwhelmed with any calamity our words are few. The Psalmist David once said, "I am so troubled that I cannot speak." For this reason, when we pay a visit of condolence we should not talk a great deal. The expression of our compassion and fellow-feeling we shall find scarcely less acceptable to the bereaved, than urging motives of conso-

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lation. The friends of the afflicted patriarch of Uz behaved with singular propriety when they came to comfort him — "They lifted up their voice and wept; and they rent every one his mantle ; and sprinkled dust upon their heads towards heaven. So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spake a word unto him, for they saw that his grief was very great." After making every allowance for the customs of Eastern pastoral life, it may be questioned whether the talkativeness, which is somewhat customary among us on such occasions, is any improvement on the silence of these ancient orientals.

The fluent talker is oftener met with in society than the accomplished listener ; for this reason, perhaps, that the latter must forego his own gratification for that of others. He is usually a greater favorite, and dispenses more pleasure to those around him than the talker. And it is a mistake to suppose that a good listener bears no part in conversation. He is, in truth, the only one that can shine without envy, and speak without interruption, impertinence, and tediousness. By an animated attention and an intelligent look, he can be eloquent even beyond the power of words. By a smile of assent he can show his approbation, his interest, his delight. By a question, he may indicate his curiosity or his humility. By starting a question for others to discuss, his deference and complaisance — by listening to tiresome prosing, his patience — by offering a doubt, or confirming an assertion, his appreciation — by calling out and encouraging the timid, his kindness. And yet his silence is devoid both of servility and stateliness ;

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he pleases without flattery, and though he says few things himself, his easy yet spirited attention incites others to outdo themselves. Heraclitus being once asked why he kept silence, replied, " That you may talk" — and this is the compliment that every good listener makes to those who are discoursing. Let any one bring to mind those whose society has afforded him particular pleasure, and if we are not mistaken, he will find them to have been those who seldom opened their mouths for any other purpose than that they might hear him more distinctly. People often complain of the trite and vapid talk that prevailed in companies from which they have just come, but we may be certain that engaging discourse is rarely wanting where there are good listeners.

More than a few pay so little attention to what is said, that they do not know how to make a suitable reply, or ask an apposite question. If they advance anything, it is alien to the matter in hand, and they say yes or no in the one place of all others the most improper. Failing to listen to one half of our remarks, they misunderstand the other half. They ask us to repeat, as they were thinking of something else just then. Rousing occasionally from their dreams, they cry out, " What was that you were saying, sir," " I did not understand that, sir." Some, especially in argumentation, will hold their peace till others have taken their turn indeed, but will not listen to a word they say. They are all the while employed in framing a reply, or inwardly felicitating themselves on a triumphant confutation as soon as occasion offers. Solely attentive to the premises, they are preparing to deny the conclusion, leaving the chain

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of argument that conducts to it quite out of the question. "Answer not," says the son of Sirach, "before thou hast heard the cause." And Solomon says, "He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is a folly and a shame unto him."

Interruption is the habit of the inattentive and the rude ; but only the accident of the alert and the polite. Some persons have a way of making long pauses, so that, at the moment when you think they have done and begin to reply, they start off anew, saying, " Let me finish what I have to say." Such interruptions must happen to the best talkers. In friendly dialogue it is occasionally allowable to break in to finish a sentence or to improve an epithet — to clear up a remark which threatens to prejudice some absent person ; and to check the talker when he is going to flatter us or say something to his own disadvantage.

Nothing is more provoking to a talker than to see a person spring up and leave the circle when he is saying something which he wishes to be appreciated. "I have known," says Sir Richard Steele, "a challenge sent to a person for going out of the room abruptly, and leaving a man of honor in the midst of a dissertation."

When you come into company while a topic is discussing, do not request a recapitulation, but speak to what follows. Yet it is sometimes the duty of the conveners, unasked, to explain the subject to a newcomer. When a long story is being told, do not ask the narrator to stop and repeat for your benefit. It is apt to make them look foolish and awkward, especially if you are behind the time appointed for taking the

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chair. Conversers should sometimes behave as the Marquis of Abercorn did, who determined to teach his visitors punctuality by sitting down at dinner at the hour named in the card, which was worded " at 5 o'clock precisely." When the time arrived only one gentleman had come. However, they sat down to dinner and disposed of the first course. About six, visitors began to drop in. His lordship was at dinner, and made no apologies as they sat down to what remained. Others of the party arrived about seven, and, instead of dinner, were complimented with coffee.

There are occasions when it is not prudent to listen to a conversation, as generally when we are not addressed and the subject does not concern us, and particularly when persons are wrangling. In their calmer after-thoughts they may be mortified to recollect that we heard what they said ; and besides, we may be tempted to take sides, and so involve ourselves in the contention.

There is one kind of silence that is almost too contemptible to deserve mention. We mean that silence which some ill-bred men are a long time breaking to those who ask of them a favor, or request their attention to some business which needs to be immediately despatched, and which requires but a moment, and not the slightest forethought, to transact. They like to keep people in suspense, and would seem to find self-satisfaction in the thought that they are like those princes whose palaces are thronged with subjects who are detained for weeks awaiting the answer to their petitions ; or like the great English equity lawyer, Lord Eldon, for whose learned decisions, as tardy as they were profound, the client waited long in consuming anxiety, and starved while the chancellor mused.

It is no very courteous practice for people to maintain strict silence when they are unknown to each other, as when persons are brought together at a house before the master or mistress has appeared. I had rather have my ear-drums beaten all day long than to endure such a dumb-show for five minutes. This sort of silence is a most refined torture. It is wrong to suppose we cannot speak to people till we have learned their names.

We must not be loquacious in the hearing of those sly listeners who catch our words from our lips, and lay them up in their memories with the intent to report them to our disadvantage. They practise great reserve in their intercourse with strangers, but contrive to call them out and encourage them to lay open all their hearts to them. They will listen to you, and, if needs be, applaud you ; but it is only when you speak your mind, and give them a clew to the weak points in your character. Some put on a seeming ignorance, that they may ascertain how much others know ; or, under an air of indifference, hide an eager desire for secret and personal information. Others, more crafty still, compass the same object by great volubility, in order to embolden their victims to declare themselves without reserve. Without being suspicious, we should be on our guard against this kind of double-dealers.

To little purpose shall we attempt to master this difficult art unless we learn to rule our own spirit. The mind is the real source of most of the faults that

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are committed in conversation. Let this be in subjection to Divine Grace in all who would cultivate the proprieties of speech. A wise ancient remarks that it is the gods alone who inspire the wisdom of silence ; and a wiser than he has said that " the preparation of the heart and the answer of the tongue are from the Lord."

We have little hope of effecting any durable reform in the conversation of those whose hearts are not undergoing the transformations of sanctifying grace. Moral precepts are all but lost upon those Whose unrenewed nature is continually repelling them. In vain do we cleanse and whitewash the door of the sepulchre so long as the inner walls are reeking with corruption. Says the apostle James, " Every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind, but the tongue can no man tame ; it is an unruly evil." Yet the same apostle would have Christians bridle the tongue. After Divine Power has subdued it, we may do something towards managing it. To our hands He resigns, not the lasso, but the bridle.

Whoever knows how to listen to a rude, tedious, 1 or conceited talker, with attention and civility, neither complaining of impertinences nor hinting to others that he knows what good breeding is, if they do not ;

1 Be not a button holder. One can easily ascertain when a person he meets wishes to talk. If he is walking with a hurried step, do not stop him ; or if this is necessary, detain him but a moment ; even then, it is better to turn about and hurry along with him till you have spoken your word. When a professional man is called from his office, or a student from his books, deliver your message with all possible despatch Have not the vanity to think that great novelty of thought,

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but, overlooking the untold irregularities of the tongue, and counting them as nothing — such a one, however ignorant and ungifted and ungainly he may be, shows that he is, at least, not wanting in meekness, a virtue which has no fellow in the whole circle of exterior graces — a virtue which is one of the most amiable peculiarities of the Christian, and a chief qualification for the society of fallible beings.

even though you can deliver it with great suaviloquence, will be gladlyreceived by those whose minds are preoccupied Long talks are never to be allowed, except among fast friends who hav^e an abundance of leisure. In the Hindoo paradise two deities are represented as sitting eng^-ed in eternal conversation. This may do very well for a heathen pasrf dise, but it will never answer on this whirling planet.

CHAPTER H.

CONVERSATION IN PRIVATE AND DOMESTIC LIFE.

Numbers that can entertain the occasional assemblies of their friends and acquaintance, or the conversation clubs to which they belong, with the variety, grace, and brilliance of their discourse, do not know how to adapt their tone and style to the members of the family circle. They are not skilled in those cadences of kindness that soothe the dull ear of age and the sensitive ear of weariness, affliction, and pain. They have never learned to take part in the prattlements of children, and to attemper the light of instruction to their budding faculties. They cannot greet the poor and the dependent with those words of good will and encouragement which are more melodious than the chink of gold, and are laden with sympathies that are more precious than rubies.

Home, to those who are so happy as to have one, must ever be the principal scene of entertainment and vexation, moral conflict and victory, joy and sorrow. Over this spot must ever hover the dearest and holiest memories. Here the world search after the secret springs of action, and find a solution of the mysteries of our character and career, and thence the angelic recorder brings the chief items for the