Titcomb's letters to young people, single and married

Preface

AFTER twenty years of an exceptionally prosperous life, this book has been carefully revised, and is now issued in a new dress. Since it was written, and was so generously received by the public, twenty millions of people have been added to the population of the country, and a new generation of young men and women have taken the places of its first patrons and readers, so that the book has nearly as fresh a field as it had at its original appearance.

I have taken almost a pathetic interest in going over these pages. Their earnestness, directness, frankness, hopefulness, and high purpose, speak to me of a time when life was unchilled by experience, and enthusiasm was unblunted by contact and conflict with the various forms and forces of evil. I am painfully vi Preface.

conscious that if I had not written this book when I did, I could not write it to-day. There are some books that age can write best, but I am sure that they are not books for the young. Truth, health, enthusiasm, and a positive frame of mind, with youthful hopes and sympathies still alive and active, are necessary for the writing of books that shall be influential upon the youthful mind and heart ; and I can see no reason why this book may not go on doing the good it has had the credit of doing during all its history.

The man who revises these letters is so different from the man who wrote them, that I am sure I have no vanity in saying that they seem to me, in reference to the purpose for which they were written, to form a wise and inspiring book. As such I commend it to all the young who have faith in my instincts and confidence in my judgment.

THE AUTHOR.

New York, April, 1881.

LETTER VIII. The Reasonableness and Desirableness of Religion, 56 viii Contents

LETTERS TO YOUNG WOMEN.

PAGK

LETTER I. .ess— Its Proprieties and Abuses, .... 69

LETTER II.

The Transition from Girlhood to Womanhood, . 77

LETTER III.

Acquisitions and Accomplishments, . • • . 85

LETTER IV.

Unreasonable and Injurious Restraints, • .95

LETTER V.

The Claims of Love and Lucre, . . , .104

LETTER VI.

The Prudent and Proper Use of Language, . . 113

LETTER VII.

LETTER VIII.

The Beauty and Blessedness of Female Piety, > 132

Contents, ix

LETTERS TO YOUNG MARRIED PEOPLE.

PAGB

Letter I. Getting The Right Start

In idle wishes fools supinely stay,

Be there a will, then wisdom finds a way.

— Burns.

I SUPPOSE that the first great lesson a young man should learn is that he knows nothing ; and that the earlier and more thoroughly this lesson is learned, the better it will be for his peace of mind and his success in life. A young man, bred at home, and growing up in the light of parental admiration and fraternal pride, cannot readily understand how it is that every one else can be his equal in talent and acquisition. If, bred in the country, he seeks the life of the town, he will very early obtain an idea of his insignificance. After putting on airs and getting severely laughed at, going into a bright and facile society and finding himself awkward and tongue-tied, undertaking to speak in some public place and breaking down, and paying his addresses to some gentle charmer and receiving for his amiable condescension a mitten of inconvenient dimensions, he will be apt to sit down in a state " bordering on distraction," to reason about it.

This is a critical period in his history. The result of his reasoning will decide his fate. If, at this time, he thoroughly comprehend, and in his soul admit and accept the fact, that he knows nothing and is nothing ; if he bow to the conviction that his mind and his person are but ciphers among the significant and cleanly cut figures about him, and that whatever he is to be, and is to win, must be achieved by hard work, there is abundant hope of him. If, on the contrary, a huge selfconceit still hold possession of him, and he straighten stiffly up to the assertion of his old and valueless self; or if he sink discouraged upon the threshold of a life of fierce competitions and more manly emulations, he might as well be a dead man. The world has no use for such a man, and he has only to retire or be trodden upon.

When a young man has thoroughly comprehended the fact that he knows nothing, and that, intrinsically, he is of but little value, the next thing for him to learn is that the world cares nothing for him ; — that he is the subject of no man's overwhelming admiration and esteem; that he must take care of himself. A letter of introduction may possibly procure him an invitation

Getting the Rig Jit Start. 3

to tea. If he wear a good hat, and tie his cravat witn propriety, the sexton will show him to a pleasant seat in church, and expect him to contribute liberally when the plate goes round. If he be a stranger, he will find every man busy with his own affairs, and none to look after him. He will not be noticed until he becomes noticeable, and he will not become noticeable until he does something to prove that he has an absolute value in society. No letter of recommendation will give him this, or ought to give him this. No family connection will give him this, except among those few who think more of blood than brains.

Society demands that a young man shall be somebody, not only, but that he shall prove his right to the title ; and it has a right to demand this. Society will not take this matter upon trust — at least, not for a long time, for it has been cheated too frequently. Society is not very particular what a man does, so that it proves him to be a man : then it will bow to him, and make room for him. I know a young man who made a place for himself by writing an article for the North American Review : nobody read the article, so far as I know, but the fact that he wrote such an article, that it was very long, and that it was published, did the business for him. Everybody, however, cannot write articles for the North American Review — at least, I hope everybody will not, for it is a publication which makes me a quarterly visit ; but everybody, who is somebody, can do something. There is a wide range of effort between holding a skein of silk for a lady and saving her from drowning — between collecting voters on election day and teaching a Sunday School class. A man must enter society of his own free will, as an active element or a valuable component, before he can receive the recognition that every true man longs for. I take it that this is right. A man who is willing to enter society as a beneficiary is mean, and does not deserve recognition.

There is no surer sign of an unmanly and cowardly spirit than a vague desire for help ; a wish to depend, to lean upon somebody, and enjoy the fruits of the industry of others. There are multitudes of young men, I suppose, who indulge in dreams of help from some quarter, coming in at a convenient moment, to enable them to secure the success in life which they covet. The vision haunts them of some benevolent old gentleman with a pocket full of money, a trunk full of mortgages and stocks, and a mind remarkably appreciative of merit and genius, who will, perhaps, give or lend them anywhere from ten to twenty thousand dollars, with which they will commence and go on swimmingly. Perhaps he will take a different turn, and educate them. Or, perhaps, with an eye to the sacred profession, they desire to become the beneficiaries of some benevolent society, or some gentle circle of female devotees.

To me, one of the most disgusting sights in the world is that of a young man with healthy blood, broad shoul-

Getting the Right Start. 5

ders, presentable calves, and a hundred and fifty pounds, more or less, of good bone and muscle, standing with his hands in his pockets, longing for help. I admit that there are positions in which the most independent spirit may accept of assistance — may, in fact, as a choice of evils, desire it ; but for a man who is able to help himself, to desire the help of others in the accomplishment of his plans of life, is positive proof that he has received a most unfortunate training, or that there is a leaven of meanness in his composition that should make him shudder. Do not misunderstand me : I would not inculcate that pride of personal independence which repels in its sensitiveness the well-meant good offices and benefactions of friends, or that resorts to desperate shifts rather than incur an obligation. What I condemn in a young man is the love of dependence ; the willingness to be under obligation for that which his own efforts may win.

I have often thought that the Education Society, and kindred organizations, do much more harm than good by inviting into the Christian ministry a class of young men who are willing to be helped. A man who willingly receives assistance, especially if he has applied for it, invariably sells himself to his benefactor, unless that benefactor happen to be a man of sense who is giving absolutely necessary assistance to one whom he Lnows to be sensitive and honorable. Any young man who will part with freedom and the self-respect that grows out of self-reliance and self-support, is unmanly, neither deserving of assistance, nor capable of making good use of it. Assistance will invariably be received by a young man of spirit as a dire necessity — as the chief evil of his poverty.

When, therefore, a young man has ascertained and fully received the fact that he does not know anything, that the world does not care anything about him, that what he wins must be won by his own brain and brawn, and that while he holds in his own hands the means of gaining his livelihood and the objects of his life, he cannot receive assistance without compromising his self-respect and selling his freedom, he is in a fair position for beginning life. When a young man becomes aware that only by his own efforts can he rise into companionship and competition with the sharp, strong, and well-drilled minds around him, he is ready for work, and not before.

The next lessen is that of patience, thoroughness of preparation, and contentment with the regular channels of business effort and enterprise. This is, perhaps, one of the most difficult to learn, of all the lessons of life. It is natural for the mind to reach out eagerly for immediate results. As manhood dawns, and the young man catches in its first light the pinnacles of realized dreams, the golden domes of high possibilities, and the purpling hills of great delights, and then looks down upon the narrow, sinuous, long, and dusty path by

Getting the Right Start. 7

which others have reached them, he is apt to be disgusted with the passage, and to seek for success through broader channels, by quicker means. Beginning at the very foot of the hill, and working slowly to the top, seems a very discouraging process ; and precisely at this point have thousands of young men made shipwreck of their lives.

Let this be understood, then, at starting ; that the patient conquest of difficulties which rise in the regular and legitimate channels of business and enterprise, is not only essential in securing the successes which you seek, but it is essential to that preparation of your mind which is requisite for the enjoyment of your successes, and for retaining them when gained. It is the general rule of Providence, the world over, and in all time, that unearned success is a curse. It is the rule of Providence, that the process of earning success shall be the preparation for its conservation and enjoyment. So, day by day, and week by week ; so, month after month, and year after year, work on, and in that process gain strength and symmetry, and nerve and knowledge, that >vhen success, patiently and bravely worked for, shall come, it may find you prepared to receive it and keep it. The development which you will get in this brave and patient labor, will prove itself, in the end, the most -<al uable of your successes. It will help to make a man of you. It will give you power and self-reliance. It will give you not only self-respect, but the respect oi your fellows and the public.

8 TitcomUs Letters.

Never allow yourself to be seduced from this course. You will hear of young men who have made fortunes in some wild speculations. Pity them ; for they will almost certainly lose their easily won success. Do not be in a hurry for anything. Are you in love with some dear girl, whom you would make your wife ? Give Angelina Matilda to understand that she must wait ; and if Angelina Matilda is really the good girl you take her to be, she will be sensible enough to tell you to choose your time. You cannot build well without first laying a good foundation ; and for you to enter upon a business which you have not patiently and thoroughly learned, and to marry before you have won a character, or even the reasonable prospect of a competence, is ultimately to bring your house down about the ears of Angelina Matilda, and such pretty children as she may give you. If, at the age of thirty years, you find yourself established in a business which pays you with certainty a living income, you are to remember that God has blessed you beyond the majority of men.

In saying what I have said to you in this letter, I have had no wish to make of you pattern young men, but of this I will speak more fully hereafter. The fashion plates of the magazines bear no striking resemblance to the humanity which we meet in the streets. I only seek to give you the principles and the spirit which should animate you, without any attempt or desire to set before you the outlines of the life I would

Getting the Right Start. 9

have you lead. In fact, if there are detestable things which I despise above all other things detestable, they are the patterns made for young men, and the young men made after them. I would have you carry all your individuality with you, all your blood well purified, all your passions well controlled and made tributary to the motive forces of your nature ; all your manhood enlarged, ennobled, and uncorrupted ; all your piety, rendering your whole being sensitively alive to your relations to God and man ; all your honor, your affections, and your faculties — all these, and still hold yourselves strictly amenable to those laws which confine a true success to the strong and constant hand of patient achievement.

Letter II. Female Society— The Woman For A Wife

O woman ! lovely woman ! Nature made thee

To temper man ; we had been brutes without you. Angels are painted fair to look like you.

— Otway.

When I said I would die a bachelor, I did not think that I should live till I were married. — Shakspere.

IN many of the books addressed to young men, a great deal is said about the purifying and elevating influences of female society. Sentimental young men affect this kind of reading, and if anywhere in it they can find countenance for the policy of early marriage, they are delighted. Now, while I will be the last to deny the purifying and elevating influence of pure and elevated women, I do deny that there is anything in indiscriminate devotion to female society, which makes a man better or purer. Suppose a man cast away on the Cannibal Islands, and not in sufficiently good flesh to excite the appetites of the gentle epicureans among whom he has fallen. Suppose him, in fact, to be " received into society," and made the private secretary of a king with-

Female Society — The Woman for a Wife, n

out a liberal education. Suppose, after awhile, he feels himself subsiding into a state of barbarism, and casts around for some redeeming or conservative influence. At this moment it occurs to him that in the trunk on which he sailed ashore was a number of books. He flies to the trunk, and, in an ecstasy of delight, discovers that among them is a volume addressed to young men. He opens it eagerly, and finds the writer to declare that next to the Christian religion, there is nothing that will tend so strongly to the elevation and purification of young men, as female society. He accordingly seeks the society of women, and drinks in the marvellous influences of their presence. He finds them unacquainted with some of the most grateful uses of water, and in evident ignorance of the existence of ivory combs. About what year of the popular era is it to be supposed that he will arrive at a desirable state of purification and perfection ?

Now, perhaps you do not perceive the force of this illustration. Let us get at it, then. When you find yourself shut out from all female society except that which is beneath you, that society will do you just as much as, and no more good than, that of the fair cannibals, especially if it be young. If, in all this society, you can find one old woman of sixty, who has common sense, genial good-nature, experience, some reading, and a sympathetic heart, cherish her as you would her weight in gold, but let the young trash go. You will

12 TiteomPs Letters.

hear nothing from them but gossip and nonsense, and you will only get disgusted with the world and yourself. Inspiration to higher and purer life always comes from above a man ; and female society can only elevate and purify a man when it is higher and purer than he is. In the element of purity, I doubt not that women generally are superior to men, but it is very largely a negative or unconscious element, and has not the power and influence of a positive virtue.

Therefore, whenever you seek for female society, as an agency in the elevation of your tastes, the preservation of your morals, and the improvement of your mind, seek for that which is above you. I do not counsel you to treat with rudeness or studied neglect such inferior female society as you are obliged to come in contact with. On the contrary, you owe such society a duty. You should stimulate it, infuse new life into it, if possible, and do for it what you would have female society do for yourself.

This matter of seeking female society above yourself you should carry still further. Never content yourself with the idea of having a common-place wife. You want one who will stimulate you, stir you up, keep you moving, show you your weak points, and make something of you. Don't fear that you cannot get such a wife. I very well remember the reply which a gentleman who happened to combine the qualities of wit and common sense, made to a young man who expressed a

Female Society — The Woman for a Wife. 13

fear that a certain young lady of great beauty and attainments would dismiss him, if he should become serious. "My friend," said the wit, "infinitely more beautiful and accomplished women than she is, have married infinitely uglier and meaner men than you are." And such is the fact. If you are honest and honorable, if your character is spotless, if you are enterprising and industrious, if you have some grace and a fair degree of sense, and if you love appreciatingly and truly, you can marry almost anybody worth your having. So, to encourage yourself, carry in your memory the above aphorism reduced to a form something like this : " Infinitely finer women than I ever expect to marry, have loved and married men infinitely meaner than I am."

The apprehensions of women are finer and quicker than those of men. With equal early advantages, the woman is more of a woman at eighteen than a man is a man at twenty-one. After marriage, as a general thing, the woman ceases to acquire. Now, I do not say that this is necessary, or that it should be the case, but I simply state a general fact. The woman is absorbed in family cares, or perhaps devotes from ten to twenty years to the bearing and rearing of children — the most dignified, delightful, and honorable office of her life. This consumes her time, and, in a great multitude of instances, deprives her of intellectual culture.

In the meantime, the man is out, engaged in business. He comes in daily contact with minds stronger and r4 TitcomFs Letters.

sharper than his own. He grows and matures, and in ten years from the date of his marriage, becomes, in reality, a new man. Now, if he was so foolish as to marry a woman because she had a pretty form and face, or sweet eyes, or an amiable disposition, or a pleasant temper, or wealth, he will find that he has passed entirely by his wife, and that she is really no more of a companion for him than a child would be. I know of but few sadder sights in this world than that of mates whom the passage of years has mis-mated. A woman ought to have a long start of a man, and then, ten to one, the man will come out ahead in the race of a long life.

I suppose that in every young man's mind there exists the hope and the expectation of marriage. When a young man pretends to me that he has no wish to marry, and that he never expects to marry, I always infer one of two things : that he lies, and is really very anxious for marriage, or that his heart has been polluted by association with unworthy women. In a thousand cases we shall not find three exceptions to this rule. A young man who, with any degree of earnestness, declares that he intends never to marry, confesses to a brutal nature or perverted morals.

But how shall a good wife be won ? I know that men naturally shrink from the attempt to obtain companions who are their superiors ; but they will find that really intelligent women, who possess the most desirable qual-

Female Society — The Woman for a Wife. 15

ities, are uniformly modest, and hold their charms in modest estimation. What such women most admire in men is gallantry ; not the gallantry of courts and fops, but boldness, courage, devotion, decision, and refined civility. A man's bearing wins ten superior women where his boots and brains win one. If a man stand before a woman with respect for himself and fearlessness of her, his suit is half won. The rest may safely be left to the parties most interested. Therefore, never be afraid of a woman. Women are the most harmless and agreeable creatures in the world, to a man who shows that he has got a man's soul in him. If you have not the spirit in you to come up to a test like this, you have not that in you which most pleases a high-souled woman, arid you will be obliged to content yourself with the simple girl who, in a quiet way, is endeavoring to attract and fasten you.

But don't be in a hurry about the matter. Don't get into a feverish longing for marriage. It isn't creditable to you. Especially don't imagine that any disappointment in love which takes place before you are twenty-one years old will be of any material damage to you. The truth is, that before a man is twenty-five years old he does not know what he wants himself. So don't be in a hurry. The more of a man you become, and the more of manliness you become capable of exhibiting in your association with women, the better wife you will be able to obtain ; and one year's possession of the heart

1 6 Titcomffs Letters.

and hand of a really noble specimen of her sex is worth nine hundred and ninety-nine years' possession of a sweet creature with two ideas in her head, and nothing new to say about either of them. " Better fifty years of Europe than a cycle of Cathay." So don't be in a hurry, I say again. You don't want a wife now, and you have not the. slightest idea of the kind of wife you will want by-and-by. Go into female society if you can find that which will improve you, but not otherwise. You can spend your time better. Seek the society of good men. That is often more accessible to you than the other, and it is through that mostly that you will find your way to good female society.

If any are disposed to complain of the injustice to woman of advice like this, and believe that it involves a wrong to her, I reply that not the slightest wrong is intended. Thorough appreciation of a good woman, on the part of a young man, is one of his strongest recommendations to her favor. The desire of such a man to possess and associate his life with such a woman, gives evidence of qualities, aptitudes, and capacities which entitle him to any woman's consideration. There is something good in him ; and however uncultivated he may be — however rude in manner, and rough in person — he only needs development to become worthy of her, in some respects, at least. I shall not quarrel with a woman who desires a husband superior to herself, for I know it will be well for her to obtain such an one, if she

Female Society — The Woman for a Wife. iy

will be stimulated by contact with a higher mind to a brighter and broader development. At the same time, I must believe that for a man to marry his inferior, is to call upon himself a great misfortune ; to deprive himself of one of the most elevating and refining influences which can possibly affect him. I therefore believe it to be the true policy of every young man to aim high in his choice of a companion. I have previously given a reason for this policy, and both that and this conspire to establish the soundness of my counsel.

One thing more : not the least important, but the last in this letter. No woman without piety in her heart is fit to be the companion of any man. You may get, in your wife, beauty, amiability, sprightliness, wit, accomplishments, wealth, and learning, but if that wife have no higher love than herself and yourself, she is a poor creature. She cannot elevate you above mean aims and objects, she cannot educate her children properly, she cannot in hours of adversity sustain and comfort you, she cannot bear with patience your petulance induced by the toils and vexations of business, and she will never be safe against the seductive temptations of gaiety and dress.

Then, again, a man who has the prayers of a pious wife, and knows that he has them — upheld by heaven, or by a refined sense of obligation and gratitude — can rarely become a very bad man. A daily prayer from the heart of a pure and pious wife, for a husband en-

1 8 TitcomPs Letters.

grossed in the pursuits of wealth or fame, is a chain of golden words that links his name every day with the name of God. He may snap it three hundred and sixty-five times in a year, for many years, but the chances are that in time he will gather the sundered filaments, and seek to re-unite them in an everlasting bond.

Letter III. Manners And Dress

So over violent, or over civil,

That every man with him was God or devil

— Dryden.

Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,

But not expressed in fancy ; rich not gaudy ; For the apparel oft proclaims the man.

— Shaksperh.

IT is well for young men to obtain, at the very start of their career, some idea of the value of politeness. Some cannot be otherwise than polite. They are born so. One can kick them roundly and soundly, and they will not refuse to smile, if it be done good-naturedly. They dodge all corners by a necessity of their nature. If their souls had only corporeal volume, we could see them making their way through a crowd, like nice little spaniels, scaring nobody, running between nobody's legs, but winding along shrinkingly and gracefully, seeing a master in every man, and thus flattering every man's vanity into good-nature, but really spoiling their reputation as reliable dogs, by their undiscriminating and universal complaisance. There is a self-forgetfulness which is so deep as to be below self-respect, and such instances as we occasionally meet with should be treated compassionately, like cases of idiocy or insanity, except when found in connection with the post-office department or among hotel waiters.