The life and adventures of Obadiah Benjamin Franklin Bloomfield, M. D., a native of the United States of America, now on the tour of Europe. Interspersed with episodes, and remarks, religious, moral, public spirited, and humourous

Front matter

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Preface

AN irresistible " cacoethes scribendi" has again overtaken me, and write I must — but — > what? "That — that — is the question." Shall it be a play ? Alas — No I Several years have elapsed since I broke my inkstand, and cast away my pen, in a fury, with a fixed resolution, as I then thought it — never to scribble more — > merely because I conceived and brought forth a thing, which I had the audacity to christen — a play ! ! !

Now, had I o'erleaped the laws of nature, and, with the aid of something very like the*Cassarean operation, introduced into the world, in verity, a bouncing boy, I should have been prepared to encounter the maledictions of all the female part of creation, old maids* excepted, for daring to encroach upon their province : — even though a giant, or a genie, or some other outlandish animal, had planted him within me!!!

But a play — a tragedy — such a tragedy ! Melpomene have mercy upon us ! If all the tears which were shed, on its first representation, could only have been gathered together, I would forfeit my head for a foot-ball, had they not afforded water enough to comfortably float a seventy-four ! ! ! Ave— a seventy-

VI four of first rate tonnage ! ! ! It was accepted of, with gratulation upon gratulation, by the managers of Drury-Lane theatre : indeed and it was — American reader — my countrymen ! and the parts of the hero and heroine were sustained by the great Kemble, and the inimitable Siddons, in their first stile of excel- Icnpc •

Kind hearted Reader,

If you have any spare tears to shed, and if you cannot muster some natural ones, you can easily bring the goddess's lachrymal powers into action by applying a raw onion to your eyelids — not to the eye itself, for that might bring the salubrity of that very delicate organ

into jeopardy prepare to offer them up (my

great, great grandfather was an Irishman) as a propitiation to its manes ! ! !

My tender, unfledged maiden offspring was clamneU — irremediably damned — and hurried down down to Pluto's realms — " unanointed and unanealed !"

« True 'tis — 'tis pity — and pity lis — 'tis true."

Was this barbarous act committed by the numerous and, of course, enlightened audiences — " Think of that, master Brook" — audiences ! — before whom it was, as the strolling player said, enacted? Courteous reader — upon the honour of an author (and why should not an author be as honourable a man as Brutus was ?), the very reverse was the fact : — - they received my bantling as kindly as though it had been the production of the immortal

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Shakspeare himself. Did not the whole concern cry themselves into a fever ? And was not at least a dozen deaths the consequence ? By whom was the — dire — deed — done ? (For not one (no not one ! ) still small voice from the pit participated in it.) By critics, and hypercritics ! A plague on all monthly and quarterly reviews, say I, and William Gifford's at the head of them. Those it was who murdered my innocent and helpless darling, and constrained its distracted parent, nilly willy, to weep o'er its mangled corpse. — For — not content with breaking each and every of its bones, they stopped not in their savage career until they had dissected its very heart out !

I can no more the renewed recollection

.of my then sufferings is so poignant, as to completely unstring my nerves, and the friendly, sympathising grey goose quill — drops from my feeble grasp ! ! !

The first discoverer of stimulants and tonics unquestionably merits deification. — For they are not similar in their effects, learned or unlearned reader, and whoever instructed you to the contrary is a fool, and an ass, and a quack — am not I an M. D., and must not I know all about it ? To speak more plainly, the first discoverer or manufacturer of brandy was a monstrous ingenious fellow, for no sooner had I partaken of a liberal dose of that diffusi. ble stimulus, than " Richard became himself again."

To put another play upon the stocks then, would be, in me, the height of presumption via

and temerity and fool- hardiness, inasmuch as it would, as certain as death, and taxes, be smothered in fifteen minutes after it was launched. To me, luckless wight ! as well as to some others, whom I could name, if I had not a fellow feeling for them ; it is forbidden to gather, laurels in the dramatic field — and I am not at all disposed to pick up another ninny hammer's cap there.

What then is to be done ? For something must be done, and quickly too, or I shall burst ! verily, gentle reader, I am at this precious moment, as much inflated, and with gas too, but of a very different quality, as was the frog in the fable. The most powerful carminatives under the sun would avail not me.

Shall I write a novel to expel the wind ? Worse and worse ! Our country is inundated with such trash, and no printer in his senses would purchase the copy-right, unless he had predetermined on gaining a loss by the publication of it. A poem ? I have just understanding enough to know that Apolio never endowed me with a spark of poetic Jire, and as to attic salt — it would not contain as much as is necessary to season a sand fly.

What a grand affair would it be for the world in general, if every fool could be sensible of his folly ! some of our 1500 dollar orators, for instance, would be. as dumb as the most dumb of the abbe Sicard's scholars ! I charge you, however, courteous reader, to keep this a profound secret, in deference to the collected wisdom of our beloved country. — •■ There's a clash of scandal for you ! albeit, as it

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fe not only indecorous, but impolitic to introduce such matter into a grave preface to a most interesting — I shall know what betwixt this and Christmas — I'll have done with it ; and, cap in hand, do humbly crave the pardon of such of our great men as may be modest enough to apply it to themselves. And now I trust I have made my peace — if not — I pledge myself to go down upon my knees — in the next edition* il He chose a mournful muse., Soft pity to infuse."

Dryden was nearly related to the whole family of the muses. — But — for myself — deuce take every mother's daughter of them, for not one of them — even the most insignifi. cant — will suffer me to claim kin as a thousandth cousin I I have it. I'll kick every petticoat of them into the pit of Acheron, or Falls of Niagara, or — suppose you name a yet worse place, enlightened reader, and apprise me thereof by the first mail, postage paid : they shall be deposited therein with all dispatch, and a gratis copy of what is " coming to come" will amply remunerate you for your labour and pains.

And then — what then? Why I'll stand upon my own ground, firm as an adamantine rock — or Mount Caucasus — or the Peak of TenerhTe, or any other peak which may be depicted to thee by a fertile imagination.

Be it known to all whom it may in any wise that I am at last likely to be freed

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from my alarming flatulency, in consequence of having made up my mind to write,

My own History ! ! !

Yes reader — in sober earnest — My own history. There is something feasible in that, for my life has been, so far, checkered with a variety of interesting, entertaining, and wonderful events. One only thing appals me ! I dread lest my character for veracity, which has ever been unimpeachable, should be brought into question ; because some of my most intimate friends, to whom I have recounted the adventures of it, have shaken their heads — stared at me, as Bonaparte did at the Prussians, when they were finding their way out of the wood into the field of Waterloo ; and shaken their heads again !

If therefore those who have known me from my cradle, but who did not accompany me in my travels, are of opinion that I have embellished, and they certainly did, and do, think so — what mercy am I to expect from the American people, to millions of whom I am utterly unknown ? it will but little avail me to know that I am as guiltless of fabricating as the babe unborn, when I shall have been generally designated by them — Munchausen — number two.

Nevertheless, be that as it may, — as I must either write or die, am conscious of my innocence, and influenced neither by a lust for fame, or an avaricious thirsting after money — and, above all, as it is perfectly immaterial to

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me whether hired critics damn my production, or laud it to the skies ; I'll e'en put off my little fragile bark, and venture upon the hazardous voyage. This much is certain : I shall please myself, and discharge, at the same time, a duty which I conceive I owe to society; for there is no description of it which may not be benefited by an attentive perusal of this work — provided I live to complete it, which is extremely probable, my mind and body being in excellent health, at this present writing.

" A man had as well be out of the world as out of the fashion." You have got a sort of preface by it, tastely reader, and the way is paved to an acquaintance with — a very queer fellow — though I say it, who peradventure should not say it. And now thou mayst find thy way into the following pages, if it seem good in thine eyes. Should they afford thee as much amusement as thou calculatest upon, thou will have gotten a " a Rowland for thy Oliver." The re verse — and thou mayst burn my book. By the bye, it will then be thine — • and I can afford it.

ADIEU.

THJ6

LIFE AND ADVENTURES, &c.

Chapter I

An attentive fierusal of which is fiarticularly recommended to all young mechanics, merchant's and grocers clerks : in brief, to all the youth of America.

I AM a native of the present United States of America, and first saw the light in one of our capital cities, which, for certain reasons best known to myself, and in order to set you a guessing, inquisitive reader, must be nameless.

My father was a master carpenter — my mother the daughter of a poor farmer in New Jersey. They were honest, industrious, and frugal, and married when very young, as every body ought to do who duly appreciates happiness and a good constitution. Apropos, what is a rake and debauchee good for at thirty, if he holds out so long ? Nothing. Even the carrion cvows would turn up their noses at his diseased carcase !

My father has frequently told me, indeed he gloried in giving every publicity to the fact, that his finances were in such a miserable state, owing to the peculiar hardness of the times, when he was about to enter into the holy state of matrimony, that he was necessitated to borrow a coat of a friend, in order to make a decent appearance before the minister who was to perform the ceremony; and to whom he presented, as a fee, ONE of THREE dollars, the sum total of his earthly

VOL. I. B cash possessions ! It must be recorded, however, for the honour of the cloth, that he would not accept of it.

The only fortune which my mother brought him was — herself 1 It was of course a love match. They were christians by profession and practice — the natural consequence of their being piously and properly brought up — and accustomed to hard labour and frugal fare. They did not therefore despair of making their way good through the world, and procuring for themselves at least the necessaries of life.

After his marriage my father continued as heretofore to do journey-work throughout the day, and, when evening came, instead of resorting to a tippling shop, which, I lament to say, was too much the custom then, as it is now, with young mechanics, returned to his humble home, comforted his stomach with a slice of brown bread, and a glass of pure water, and soon proceeded to carry into execution a plan — his confidence in the success of which had induced him to venture upon a rib.

There was one branch of his trade in which he greatly excelled both as to neatness and dispatch, this v/as — the making of window-sashes. Having procured a sufficient quantity of the requisite material on a credit, and purchased a few candles, his day's-work being over, and his frugal supper being discussed ; he went spiritedly to work — his wife holding the light the while. He stuck to it manfully until eleven o'clock, and continued to do so every night, until he had completed a sufficiency of sashes for a large house his employer was then building, and who had engaged to take them of him. They were delivered — their price paid him— he cancelled his debt for the materialhurried home to his affectionate helpmate with the balance, and threw it exultingly in her lap. He had never been master of such a sum before. — It had been hardly, but honestly earned — and, to make use of his own words, " It was the sweetest money he ever handled in his life." He was now enabled to pay cash for his lumber, and persevered in his labour. Indeed, this his first step to independence stimulated him to yet greater exertions, and he regularly worked ope hour longer. — He soon found it would conduce more to his interest to quit journeywork, and confine himself to window-sashes, and ornamental chimney-piece?, which he also made in a superior stile. His character soon brought him apprentices, and in a reasonable time he leased, on highly advantageous terms, a commodious workshop. His industrious and economical habits continuing, and Providence blessing him and his family with uninterrupted health, fortune began to smile upon him in good earnest. Satisfied with a very moderate profit, he could afford to undersell his brethren, and many of his mantle-pieces found their way into other cities of the then provinces, some of which are doubtless still to be met with in houses built at that period.

My mother too was indefatigable in her vocatior % for she increased and multiplied most abundantly, presenting her spouse with a stranger at least once a year. Now, to my thinking, this was pushing the figure a great deal too far, for, what with qualms, anc? retchings, and accouchements, much invaluable time must have been unnecessarily consumed. What say you, my fair married readers ? Is not once in two years quite sufficient ? I am answered. Silence, when accompanied with a smile and a blush, is construed affirmatively, even by the Hottentots. — Hottentots ! Pray what description of people are they ? I don't recollect ever to have heard of them before. Your curiosity is a very laudable one, my dear, and I will cheerfully gratify it. You must know, then, that the Hottentots are a sort of uncivilized copper-coloured folk, more remarkable for their fiersonal cleanliness than the most true of ail true mussulmen, or the French, or the Italians ; inasmuch as they make it an invariable rule — to bathe a dozen times a day — comb their heads a dozen times a day — perfume themselves a dozen times a day — and, in brief, to do every thing else, which is usually done by human beings, in the same ratio. Moreover they are made pretty much as we are, having heads, and legs, and arms, &c. procreate in the same mannef, and worship gods of their own manufacture. But you have not explained to us how they manage their love matters, which is a primary consideration with most ladies. Fair and softly, beautiful madam. I admire to keep your sex in suspense sometimes. I ever did believe that you could keep, a secret as well as the very beat he creature of us all, and why should you not be capable of exercising as much patience as Job did of old ? I see no substantial reason to the contrary — not I.— Having premised that the Hottentots are an uncivilized race, you are not to suppose, their extraordinary ablutions to the contrary notwithstanding, that they conduct in that all important and ticklish affair as we do, who think we were the Almighty's chef-d'oeuvre, because we are fair completioned, and now polished, and have had our brains stimulated, or brought fairly into action (sometimes) by more or less of cultivation. If you do, you are egregiously mistaken, for, — love-making is with them a summary process. Their high mightinesses are above the drudgery of dancing attendance upon their " Cara Sfiosas" to balls and assemblies, and concerts and theatres — writing love-letters — whining and sighing — crying and dying — on the top of the tedder of hope in the evening, and at the foot of it in the morning, and all that superfluous nonsense — nonsense of our own creation. Believe me, they order matters better in that country. It is merely necessary for a Hottentot gallant to obtain his own consent and go a wooing, and he is certain of taking a wi£e to his Uosom the self-same night.

FORM OF COURTSHIP.

The youth resolved to lie alone no longer, rigs himself out in his best attire, borrows the youngest infant which is come-at-able, repairs to the residence of the object of his choice, presents it with a grin, after making one of his very best bows, left foot foremost ; and awaits his fate in silence. If his addresses arc agreeable, his flame takes the child, eagerly kisses that part of it which is sometimes denominated the " coward's seat of honour," smiles, nods her head, and then squats, body and all, as gracefully as does a hare when he is disposed to put the hounds at fault. The ceremonv is now over. She is bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh, to all intents and purposes, and he may take her home to his cabin, nothing loth, as soon as he listeth. Should she disapprove of his devoirs, she refuses the infant ; shaking her head and grunting as melodiously as ever learned pig did, until he quits her premises. This, however, is a rare occurrence, but \vhen it does happen, our Hottentot bears it with all the sang froid of a philosopher — scratches his noddle — reflects a moment — " Ecod," says he, " If one won't, another will," and he goes the rounds until some less hard-hearted damsel nods him" yea." There, now, — you are as wise as Obadiah, and I'll e'en see if I can find my way back to this true history.

My father soon began to realize property, and, as I abhor prolixity and am anxious to finish one chapter, lest an apoplexy, or some other outlet to life, should stop up my weasand, died sixty-four years after he commenced sash-muking, leaving behind him an unexcelled character for piety, industry, integrity, and

sobriety and

SE VKjYTY TIIO USJNDPO U.YD S STERLING!!

Youth of America ! Here is an example, worthy of imitation in every respect. — That you may be enabled, by HIM who rules the thunder, and who, with a word can bring back all worlds to chaos, to make a proper application of it, and DO LIKEWISE, is the ardent prayer, and unfeigned wish, of one who is a sincere well-wisher to you and to all mankind.

Chapter II

Obadiah pleads guilty to a charge of incapacity, which must be made against him, by every being capable oi judging.

THAT first of wits and humourists, Lawrence Sterne, has somewhere facetiously observed, " Go to — go to—- ye idle vagabonds of the world — build houses, rear

trees, write books, and get children —Endeavour to

leave some relative idea of yourselves behind ye — so that if posterity should not happen to be sorry for your

b 2 deaths, let them have some reason at least to be sorry that ye had not lived." Already have I fulfilled, to the best of my ability, all these " characteristics of man." All, did I say ? I had momentarily forgotten my preface, but I will not again disturb the ashes of the dead. I have built houses, by firojcy ; planted trees with my own hands ; and begat children — in the usual way, I suppose, for one of my wives was a widow, who had had one child, and who would, for her own sake, have corrected me, if I had done amiss — and now I have commenced author in sober earnest. Shall I live to finish my book, and see it published ? Time will show.

Good natured reader — I shall have to cry you mercy many a time and oft, ere we part, provided always nevertheless that we part friends — From me you must not expect eve?i a sjnack of the sublime and beautiful. My skull is too thick to produce any thing better than a hodge-podge of truths, told without method or ability, and in the simplest language ; with here and there an episode, introduced for the purpose of keeping you in good humour. I did not make myself, you know, or, depend upon it, the brains department would have been furnished in a superior stile.

I was born on the first of January, Anrio Domini 1770.

I asssert this as the fact because I have been frequently so told by my father and mother, whose veracity I never had reason to question, and because it is so written in the great family bible by the minister who christened me. When I arrived at a proper age, I was sent to an excellent grammar school, in a country town about 120 miles distant, the British having possession of the city wherein my father resided. He was a staunch whig, but unable from age to take an active part in the war (he was upwards of sixty-four at this time) ; but contributed four sons to the American army, and kept his purse-strings loosened until cur highly-favoured country became a nation. My capacity did not rise above mediocrity (thou hast already discovered that, intelligent reader) ; and I made a proportionate progress in my studies. Happily for us the academy was situated in a part of the state which was never visited by the* enemy, so that the great work of our education went on uninterruptedly. My father had set his heart upon making a scholar of me, for two reasons. I was destined for the church from my cradle; and his own want of learning, whereby he had suffered considerably determined him to spare no pains nor cost to prevent such deficiency in me. To see me a minister was indeed his hobby. Often would he tell me that " he could die contented and happy, after he had heard me preach one sermon." After I had acquired little more than a smattering of my native language, my attention was exclusively directed, by the principal, to the study of the classics ; and at sixteen years old I had the reputation of being an excellent Latinist and Grecian, and a tolerable Hebrew scholar. — But I had nearly forgotten my English, and was withal so wretched a composer that even my father was ashamed of my letters when he heard them read, for he could neither read nor write. — And well he might, for although I could translate literally, and with the utmost facility, any Latin or Greek author, I had never been taught to do so elegantly, and had never been exercised at English composition. Nor is this a unique case, for I now know several A. B's. who can write their mother tongue, neither grammatically, nor orthographically. " Obadiah will never do for a minister," the worthy old man would say. " I shall never live to hear him preach a sermon, for, if he writes so poor a letter after all the pains which have been taken with him, he will never be able to write one, and I never wish to hear him preach one unless it be of his own making." The minister, of whose congregation my father formed a part, and who had baptised me, was consulted, and, in conformity to his advice, I was sent for home.

I was now the hope and stay of the family, being their only surviving son. Three of my brothers were killed whilst fighting for the liberty we now enjoy — two had died of small-pox, and one had been lately drowned whilst skating j unhappily finding bis way into an air-hole in the ice. I was therefore calculated upon to hand down the family name to posterity.

My father was very rich — an undue proportion of his wealth was allotted for me, to the great prejudice of three daughters, the only ones he had raised, and, I lament to add, that wonders were expected of me, provided I could attain the art of sermon writing 1 ! ! That it was indispensably necessary for me to be a decent orator also, was never taken into the account. If I could write a sermon — it was a matter of course that I should deliver it well. A most excellent and experienced English tutor was provided for me, at the recommendation of my father's old and fast friend the minister ; who was instructed to make an English scholar of me, if practicable, and, above all, to teach me the art of composition — a task for which he was admirably well qualified, being himself a chaste and elegant writer.

" It is needless however to kick against the pricks.'* My tutor was indefatigable, and your humble servant studious, attentive, and industrious — but in vain. He said they had either commenced with me too late in the day, or the soil was too barren. After an unceasing perseverance of three years (yes, three years !— think of that, master Brook), he abandoned me in despair ; and waiting on my parents, assured them, with tears in his eyes (for he overflowed with the milk of human kindness), that nature had never designed me for the pulpit — that I was a miserable orator, and yet worse compostr, but that, as I was a very hard student and good classical scholar, I might make a respectable physician. Had the earth opened before them and swallowed me up, my excellent parents could scarcely have been more shocked — grieved. — The darling parson scheme must be abandoned ! nature had set up an insurmountable barrier to it. Many a time of a Sabbath evening, when a'one by their comfortable fireside, making their humble remarks on the service of the day, — had my sire stopped short, and proudly said to his dame, " Well, Deborah, I trust in God to see the day when our Obadiah will give us as good sermons as. we had this day, and all out of his own head too." " Marry and Amen 1" would be the response. Judge then of their feelings, tender-hearted reader, when the dreadful tidings assailed their organs of hearing, if thou canst. For myself, I marvel it had not turned them into stones.

All hail Religion ! Handmaid of Heaven— and dearest gift of divinity to mortals. At this heart-rending moment a disciple of thine (the minister) stepped in, and whispered comfort to thy drooping votaries. Aware of every thing, he came prepared for the difficult task. But the scene had become so painfully distressing to me, that I could endure it no longer. — I made good my retreat as he entered, and, with weeping eyes, secreted myself in an out-house. Perhaps an hour had elapsed, when I heard myself called — most affectionately called — by my mother. I hastened to her, she took my hand without uttering a word, and led me into the room. I found my father tolerably composed — he took me into his arms, pressed me to his bosom, and, after bestowing upon me his blessing, spoke thus — " My son, our beloved pastor has been ministering unto us, and shown us our folly and wickedness — For nineteen years have we been blind— he has removed the film from our eyes — We must submit to the will of God, and will endeavour to do it cheerfully — 'Tis true I had set my heart upon hearing you preach a sermon before I died — but — it — cannot — be — (here he sobbed most audibly, my mother joining in the chorus), you must therefore fix upon a profession yourself: we have determined to allow you three months, or more, if you require it, to make your selection. We took a scanty supper and went all — sorrowing to— bed. Howbeit I slept not. I loved my father most affectionately, and adored my mother. It was therefore the first wish of my heart to gratify them in every thing. I communed with my pillow until nearly day-light (it was a winter's night too, courteous reader), when a little — feeble — glimmering light broke in upon my mind. I hugged it as a miser would his dearest treasure, when just recovered from a robber, and soon digested my little plan. I arose at my usual hour, and appeared at breakfast with so cheerful a countenance, that the family looked at me with astonishment, but the events of the preceding night were never touched upon. My father retired to his usual avocations, as was his custom, immediately after he had finished his repast, when