American etiquette and rules of politeness

Front matter

Class KLll/_

Book

Copyright N°

Preface

The design of this work is to furnish ample and satisfactory information on all those subjects that are embraced under the word "Etiquette," to the end that the readers may have before them the best thoughts on the topics for consideration.

The classification of the work is such that, by aid of the Table of Contents, the place where any topic or sub-topic is treated, can be found almost instantaneously.

In addition to the subject matter properly belonging

) Etiquette, there is given much kindred information

)llated from the most reliable sources.

That the book might be prepared in the best manner, nd free from the impress of one man's views, a number of writers have been selected, whose education and opportunities render them peculiarly fitted for treating the subjects on which they have written. In this way we are enabled to furnish the ladies and gentlemen of America with the most complete work on Etiquette that has yet been presented to the public.

Indianapolis, Ind., January 2, 1882.

Chapter I. The Value Of Etiquette

Intrinsic value — Exchangeable value — Value to society — Value to gentlemen — Value to ladies — Value to the rich — Value to the middle classes — Value to the poor — Value to various kinds of business — Value to churches — Value to governments and nations — Summary ; • 13

Chapter II. Politeness And Good Manners

Politeness — Home manners — Occasions for politeness — Rule of politeness — The true gentleman — The true gentlewoman — Little things — Advantages of good manners — Our manners show what we are 21

Chapter III. Social Intercourse

Civility — Education — Information — Character — Differences in social intercourse , 31

Chapter IV. Home, And Home Etiquette

Have a home to yourself — Companionship of husband and wife — Politeness at home — Good manners at home — Correct taste — Value of manners 37

Chapter V. Culture At Home

The mother's influence — Honesty — Industry — Self-respect — Quarreling and complaining — "In honor preferring one another" — Obedience — Reading — Literature — Books — A library — Neatness — Good language — Religious culture — Pursuit in life 43

Chapter VI. Entrance Into Society

Affectation — The young lady in society ; Dress — Affected conversation — Gossiping — Seek good society — Modesty — The young man in

society ; Dress — Demeanor — Money 55

AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.

Chapter VII. Introductions

General introduction — Introduction a social indorsement — Introduction of a gentleman to a lady — Introduction without ceremony — How to give an introduction — Introduction during calls — Introduction of relatives — Mentioning titles — Necessary introductions — Claims of an introduction — Recognition — The "cut" — Introduction on the street — Introduction of one's self — Shaking* hands on introduction

— Written introductions — Delivering letters of introduction — Duty of person addressed — Business letters of introduction 61

Chapter VIII. Salutations And Greetings

Kinds of salutations — The bow — Salutation of the young to the old

— Avoidance of recognition — Bowing on promenades or in driving

— Words of greeting — Shaking hands — The kiss — The kiss of friendship — Kissing in public 7'd

Chapter IX. Conversation

Address in conversation — Cultivating the memory — Correct talking — Requisites for a good talker — Vulgarisms — The habit of listening — Cheerfulness and animation — Compliments — Small talk — Flattery

— Satire and ridicule — Titles — Adaptability in conversation — How a husband should speak of his wife — How a lady should speak of her husband — Impertinent questions — Vulgar exclamations — Conversing with ladies — Things to be avoided 79

Chapter X. Table Etiquette

General importance — Cheerfulness of dining-room — Training of children — Rules of table etiquette 89

Chapter XI. Street Etiquette

General observations ■ — Ostentation — Salutations — Whom to recognize

— The first to bow — "Cutting" — Keep to the right — Inquisitiveness

— Keeping step — Lady and gentleman walking together — Walking arm-in-arm — Stopping people on the street — Where to look — Shopping etiquette — Etiquette for public conveyances — Joining a lady on the street — Carrying packages — Opening the door — Answering questions — Street loafing — Smoking — Who goes first — Street manners of a lady — Asking and receiving favors — Avoiding carriages — Street acquaintances — Walking alone in evening ■ 95

TABLE OF CONTENTS.

Chapter XII. Traveling

Introductory remarks — Duties of an escort — Duty of a lady to her escort — One lady may escort another — Lady traveling alone — Comfort and wants of others — Forming acquaintances — Retaining possession of a seat — Occupying too many seats 105

Chapter XIII. Riding And Driving

Learning to ride — The gentleman's duty as an escort — Assisting a lady to mount — Assisting a lady to alight from her horse — Riding with ladies — Driving and carriage etiquette Ill

Chapter XIV. Etiquette In Public Places

Importance of subject — Conduct in public conveyances — Conduct in

' church — Conduct in a public hall — Conduct at public exhibits, fairs,

picture galleries, etc 119

Chapter XV. Etiquette Of Calling

Introductory — Formal calls — Morning calls — Evening calls — Choosing a day — Rising to welcome a guest — Giving the hand — Introductions — Conversation — Show no partiality — Employment while receiving — Refreshments — Engaged, or "Not at home" — Regrets for Not at home — Keeping callers waiting — Use of visiting cards — Hat, umbrella, gloves and overcoat — Waiting in the parlor — Taking a seat — Length of call — Looking at watch — Laying aside the bonnet — Leave-taking — Arrival and departure of others — Conversation without introduction — Falling among strangers — Cutting calls short — Calling in companies — Taking a friend with you — Taking children and pets with you — Calling on a friend who has a visitor — Calling upon an invalid — Lady calling on a gentleman — Calling on a person at lodgings — Calls after a party — Return of a friend — The first call — Returning a first call — Cards and calls of strangers — Calls made by card — P. P. C. calls — Calls of congratulation — Visits of condolence — Friendly calls — Calls at summer resorts — New Year calls 127

Chapter XVI. Etiquette Of Visiting

Introductory observations — Accepting invitations to visit — Unexpected visits — Length of visit — Announcing length of visit — Conform to habits of the house — Noticing unpleasant matters — Acquiesce in plans of host — Invitations to visitor and host— Little trouble as possible — Keep room neat — Helping the hostess — Leaving hostess to herself — True hospitality — Urging guests to stay — Leave-taking 141

Chapter XVII. Receptions, Parties And Balls

' ' Morning receptions " — Dress — Refreshments — Invitations — Musical matinees — Country parties — Sunday hospitalities — Five o'clock tea, coffee and kettle-drums — More formal entertainments — Balls — Preparations for a ball — The music — The dances — Introductions at a ball

— Receiving guests — An after-call — Supper — The number to invite

— Duties of guests — Suggestions for gentlemen — Duties of an escort

— Rules for ihe ball room 147

Chapter XVIII. Dinners

Invitations to dinner parties — Time — Entertainment — Setting the table — Number to invite — Going to dinner — Attendants — Rules for eating 161

Chapter XIX. Higher Culture Op Women

The true woman — Force of character needed — Purity required — Need of energy and independence — Girlhood a preparation for womanhood 175

Chapter XX. Courtship And Marriage

A gentleman's conduct toward young ladies — A lady's conduct toward young gentlemen — Hasty proposals — Thorough acquaintance before marriage — Unknown correspondents — Proper manner of courtship — Parents oversight of their daughters — Vigilance required by parents

— Requirements for a happy marriage — Do not press an unwelcome suit — A lady's first refusal — The rejected suitor — Engagement ring

— Position of an engaged woman — Position of an engaged man — Relations of an engaged couple — Breaking an engagement 185

CHAPTER XXL

ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS.

The bridesmaids and groomsmen — The bridal costume — Costumes of the bridegroom and ushers — Presents of the bride and bridegroom

— Ceremonials when there are no ushers or bridesmaids — The latest ceremonials — The ushers' duties — Weddings at home — Evening

TABLE OF CONTENTS. 9

wedding — The wedding ring — Invitations — Requirements of bridesmaids and ushers — Bridal presents — Arrangements for the ceremonies

— Calls 197

Chapter XXII. Rules Of Conduct

Gracefulness — Awkwardness of attitude — Our moods — Gossip and tale-bearing — A good listener — Coughing, sneezing, etc. — Removing the hat — Talking of personalities — Unfavorable opinions — A woman's good name — Keeping engagements — Do not contradict — Speaking persons' names — Playing and singing in society — Smoking —The breath — Emotion — Do not recall an invitation — Treatment of inferiors — A checked conversation — Adapt yourself to others — Intruding on privacy — A lady driving with a gentleman — Be moderate

— Anecdotes, puns and repartees — Precedence to' others — Vulgar acts — General rules — Washington's maxims 207

Chapter XXIII. Anniversaries

The paper, cotton and leather weddings — The wooden wedding — The tin wedding — The crystal wedding — The floral wedding — The silver wedding — The pearl wedding — The china wedding — The coral wedding — The bronze wedding — The golden wedding — The diamond wedding — Presents at anniversary weddings — Invitations to anniversary weddings — The marriage cermony 225

Chapter XXIV. The Toilet

The bath — The skin — Freckles — Moles — Other disfigurements — Perfumes — The teeth — Deca} T ed teeth — Tartar on the teeth — Foul breath — The feet — Treatment of fetid perspiration of the feet — To protect the feet in walking — Treatment for chilblains and frosted feet — The toe nails — Treatment for corns — The hand — Chapped hands — "Warts — The nails and moist hands — The eyes — Short-sightedness — Squint-eyes and cross-eyes — Rules to be observed in use of eyes — Inflamed eyes — Sty on the eyelid — Eyebrows and lashes — To give brilliancy to the eyes — The hair. 235

Chapter XXV

Consistency in dress — Extravagance in dress — Indifference to dress — Appropriate dress — Gloves — Evening dress for gentlemen — Morning dress for gentlemen — Jewelry for gentlemen — Evening dress for ladies — Ball dress — The full dinner dress — Dress of hostess at a dinner party — Showy dress — Dress for receiving calls — Carriage dress — Visiting costumes — Dress for morning calls — Morning dress for street — The promenade dress — Opera dress — The riding dress — A walking suit — Dress for ladies of business — Ordinary evening dress

— Dress for social party — Dress for church — Dress for the theatre — Dress for lecture and concert — Croquet, archery and skating costumes

— Bathing costume — Traveling dress — The wedding dress — Dress of bridesmaids — Traveling dress of a bride — Dress at wedding receptions — Mourning — Periods of wearing mourning 257

Chapter XXVI. Presents

Costly presents — Most suitable presents — Gifts to. ladies — Gifts by ladies — A gentleman's present to his betrothed — Gifts beyond one's means — Receiving a gift — Referring to gifts 275

Chapter XXVII. Business

General rules for business 279

Chapter XXVIII. Harmony Of Colors In Dress

Introductory remarks — Enumeration of colors that harmonize .... 283- CHAPTER XXIX.

LETTER WRITING.

Paper — Envelopes — Ink — Heading — Models of heading — The introduction — Models of introductions — Body of the letter — The conclusion — Models of conclusion — Folding — The superscription — Models of superscription — The stamp — Completed models — A letter of introduction — Family letters — Letters of friendship — The business letter — Models for brief business letters — Notes, drafts, bills and receipts — Letters of congratulation and condolence — The love letter — Replies — Rules of epistolary composition 291

Chapter XXX. Notes

Style — French phrases — Invitations — Wedding invitations — Announcements — Anniversary weddings, dinners, parties, receptions and balls — Acceptances and regrets — Superscription and delivery. . . 325

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Chapter XXXI. Cards

Calling cards — Models of visiting and calling cards — Card to serve for calls — A card enclosed in an envelope — Size and style — Cards for mother and daughter — Wedding cards — P. P. C. cards — Leave cards in making first calls — Leave cards after an invitation — A bridegroom's card — Model cards 337

Chapter XXXII Funerals

Invitation to a funeral — Funeral arrangements — The house of mourn ing — Funeral services — The pull-bearers — Order of the procession

— Floral decorations — Calls upon the bereaved family — Habiliments of mourning 345

Chapter XXXIII. Washington Etiquette

Introductory statement — The President — Receptions at the White House — Presidential State dinners — Members of the Presidential family — New year's receptions at the White House — Order of official rank — Cabinet officers — Senators and representatives 353

Chapter Xxxviii. Toilet Recipes

To beautify the hair — To eleanse the hair — To remove dandruff — To preserve the hair — To prevent the hair from turning gray — Cure for baldness — To restore gray hair — Hair removed by fevers — Tonic for the hair — Curling and crimping the hair — Brushing the hair — The German's treatment of the hair — Hair dye — Hair oils and pomades — For inflamed eyelids — Burned eyebrows — How to make bandoline — For the care of the teeth — To clean black teeth — To clean the teeth and gums — To beautify the teeth — Toothache preventive — Wash for the teeth — To make lip salve — Remedy for chapped lips — Lotion to remove freckles — To remove sunburn — Tan — Freckles — For the complexion — Pimples on the face -*- Flesh worms — Soft skin — Complexion wash — To prevent the face from chapping after shaving — To make cold cream — To remove wrinkles — To remove stains from the hands — For chapped hands — To whiten the hands and arms — To whiten the ringer nails — Remedy for ringworm — Perspiration — To ward off mosquitoes — For soft corns — To remove corns — Ingrowing toe nails — To remove warts — Remedy for chilblains — To remove stains and spots from silk — To -remove spots of pitch and tar — To extract paint from garments — To remove stains from white cotton goods — To remove grease spots — To remove grease spots from woolen goods — To remove ink spots from linen — To remove fruit stains — To take mildew out of linen — To clean silks and ribbons — To wash lace collars — How to whiten linen — To clean woolen — To clean kid gloves — To clean kid boots — To clean patent leather boots — For burnt kid or leather shoes — To clean jewelry — For cleaning silver and plated ware — How ladies can make their own perfumes — Tincture of roses — Pot-pourri — How to make rose water — Putting away furs for the summer — Protection against moths — To remove a tight ring — To loosen stoppers of toilet bottles 395

AMERICAN ETIQUETTE.

Chapter I. Value Of Etiquette

INTRINSIC VALUE.

'O estimate the real value of etiquette, decorum, or good manners, is to measure the breadth and scope of modern civilization. That culture only is valuable which smooths the rough places, harmonizes the imperfections, and develops the pure, the good and the gentle in human character. The revenge of the savage, the roughness of the barbarous, and the rudeness of even some who claim to be civilized, are all lost in the good will and suavity of gentle manners. The efficiency and usefulness of a liberal education are dwarfed unless developed under the genial influence of proper decorum. The actual worth, then, of politeness is such as to make every one who would be refined and cultured seek to culti vate it to such an extent as to make it practical in all the walks of life.

EXCHANGEABLE VALUE.

" A man's manners are his fortune," is a saying as true as it is old, as valuable as it is true. Many commodities are exchangeable, and money is the pivot upon which they turn. This is not less true of good manners than it is of the theories of the political economist. Who will number the times fortune has smiled upon penniless men who have had a good countenance and a pleasing address at their command ? Gfood manners are made a leading business qualification in all pursuits. Neither sex is exempt, and the best positions with the fattest salaries are always commanded by the best mannered, most courteous individuals. Then, as an avenue to wealth and position, good manners constitute a desirable acquisition.

VALUE TO SOCLETY..

What is called society would be impossible were it not for the laws and usages of etiquette. So many interests are to be served — some to be protected, others to be restrained, and still others to be allowed the privilege of growth and expansion — that all these could not be done without some acknowledged standard of action, of which all may acquire some information both on entering and while in society. The best manners are to be found in the society of the good, and they are only the outgrowth of what is actually essential to regulate intercourse among such people. Man can not do without society, and society can not be maintained without customs and laws; therefore

VALUE OF ETIQUETTE. 15

we have only to think of the mistakes, the heart-burnings and the mortifications which are the experience of the unrefined and ill-mannered, to see how valuable to society is a knowledge of the rules of decorum.

VALUE TO GENTLEMEN.

The name gentleman indicates one who is gentle, mild, even-tempered. Some are born so, and will naturally exercise these qualities in having to do with their fellows. Many have these qualities to acquire, and some, at least, have to use them as a cloak to gain admission to circles otherwise closed against them. The polished way, smooth speech and easy bearing of a complete gentleman pleasurably affect any company of persons, neither are they soon forgotten. Unconsciously we imitate them, and thus the grace of good behavior becomes an influence well worth the while of any one who would be a gentleman, to seek it.

' VALUE TO LADIES.

Woman is peculiarly the organizer and refiner of elegant society. Men will seek the essential principles, but all the nicety and elegance of polished manners must and do come through woman. A woman rude and uncultured in her manners, however beautiful in person she may be, is like an uncut diamond, whose sparkle and lustre, though like that of the dog- star, are lost by the roughness of the exterior. The graceful mien and pleasing address of a cultured and refined woman make her a favorite in every company, and the radiant of a courtesy as wide and as luminous as her manners are pleasing. Worthy men strive to please and honor noble, virtuous, amiable women. So that woman, who by her courtesy has acquired these attributes, has in her power the touch-stones which test and at the same time claim the best society among gentlemen.

VALUE TO TEE RICH,

Riches are desirable, but many a one who has had money at his command has been entirely unable to find ingress to good society. The basis of etiquette does not rest upon money, neither will money buy good manners. Yet the rich seek the culture and the courtesy of good society, because of the finish and the eclat thus given to their wealth and their homes.

VALUE TO TEE MIDDLE CLASSES.

In society there is a large class of persons who, without being affluent, still have sufficient of this world's goods to enable them to enjoy much of the culture and refinement which may come of education and right training in the customs of courtesy. To these the practice of good manners is especially enjoyable, because it affords them the amenities and the pleasurable things of life, without its troubles and vexations. These persons hold, too, the balance of power in social life. Their culture and their courtesy give them admission to the houses of the rich, and at the same time permit them to elevate the society of their poorer friends. The great majority of our best writers and most cultured speakers have sprung from the ranks of this class. To these, more than to any other class, are we indebted for the invention and application of those rules of conduct which serve to make social life more attractive and more desirable than it could

^ALTJE OF ETIQUETTE. 17

otherwise be. To people of this class we look for a large application and a more liberal interpretation of the Golden Rule, upon whose principles all real etiquette must rest. Then, to those who must be the adjusters of the arrogance in the rich and the selfdeprecation in the poor, a correct knowledge of the usages of polite society can not but be of inestimable value.

VALUE TO TEE POOR.

It is the birthright of an American citizen to rise from the ranks of poverty to the highest gift of the people, if he but possess the ability. Whatever the circumstances, no one likes to admit his poverty. Of all things which make us most easily forget a man's poverty, the practice of good manners is most efficient. One's clothing may be naught but rags and tatters, but if he bear the impress of a gentleman he is honored and respected by all. The graceful air and self-reliant feeling which belong to a well-bred man, are the most effectual antidotes for the stings of poverty. Many a poor man, not only in this but in other lands, has found his way into the society of the best, only on the iavor granted because of his manners. One may be poor, yet if he possess good manners and an amiable style in his intercourse with people, his poverty is soon lost amid the good will and friendly feeling created among his associates. Therefore let the young man or the young woman of humble circumstances take courage and set to work at once to acquire a knowledge of the laws and usages of good society.

VALUE TO VARIOUS KINDS OF BUSINESS.

Most of the laws of business are based upon the Golden Rule. One who has gained for himself a practical knowledge of this rule is fit for any business. What one of the learned professions would thrive without the aid of proper behavior in its practice ? In the physician's efforts to alleviate pain and disease, how valuable to him is a knowledge of what is proper and right in his social treatment of patients. Who has not heard of a physician unsuccessful in his practice because he did not observe good manners? Every successful lawyer soon discovers the benefit of good breeding in his dealings with his clients. Who has not heard it asked about a minister, "Are his social qualities good?" — meaning nothing more nor less than an estimate of a pastor's ability to exercise good manners and genial behavior among his people. Such knowledge is equally useful to the teacher, who must in turn shape the manners of his pupils. Where do we find more agreeable or more polite men, women and boys, than in the clerks, sales- women and cashboys of the large mercantile establishments of our cities and towns ? Every business is pervaded, more or less, by the influence of good behavior and gentle. manners. Hence, who can venture to undertake any business except he first acquaint himself with what is right as to his manners and conduct %

VALUE TO CHURCHES.

As disciples of the great Master we would naturally expect the best manners to be found among Christians. This as a rule is true, and as a result these teachings

VALUE OF ETIQUETTE. 19

are practiced to a greater or less extent in all places of worship. Besides this, various classes of persons collect in our churches. This calls for some plan of action and mode of intercourse which shall cause the least trouble and the easiest and most harmonious action among all interested. The minister has his rule of action, and so have the pews. Churches ought not to be places to which people go to see and be seen. Therefore a respectful and reverent manner is necessary to worship properly in any church. Quiet, and attention to proper behavior in church, are always marks of good breeding, and they are valuable in helping to make the services and the teachings of the sanctuary useful and beneficial to all engaged in them.

VALUE TO GOVERNMENTS AND NATIONS.

France has long been considered the politest nation of the modern world. Greece held sway in this particular among the ancients. The two nations have stood foremost during their respective ages. The culture of Athens, the grace and gayety of Paris, have long been proverbial. The "free and easy" manners of America, as compared with the stiffness and severe propriety of England, strike a balance in favor of the Republic. French influence, language and manners have long moved the courts of the continent. French diplomacy only gave way to the energy and persistence of the Prussian Bismarck. Here we are confronted by the code of manners which governments have found it necessary to institute. Not even Republican America is exempt from this necessity. Washington etiquette stands side by side with that of the Court of

St. James and St. Cloud. The decorum of a capital must necessarily influence the conduct of all officials belonging to the government. Without this formality and system the dignity and self-respect of a nation could not be preserved. As it is, the weakest nation claims recognition and honor at the hands of the strongest ; and the mildest government as thoroughly influences the diplomacy and courtesy of the world as does the most severe. So thoroughly does the observance of propriety and etiquette pervade the actions of governments, that the Golden Rule is more thoroughly observed among nations than it is among individuals.

SUMMARY.

Q-ood manners are great helps in the work of life. From individuals to governments, from nations to communities, their value is seen and appreciated. Politeness in the hourly intercourse of life pours oil upon the troubles and vexations of business, and smooths away most of the rudeness that otherwise might jar upon our nerves. " In honor preferring one another," is the great secret of good maimers. An Indian Chief, at an official interview with President Jackson, was as graceful as Henry Clay. He was asked, •" How is it that you are so graceful, never having studied etiquette?" "Ah," said the Chief, " I have no mad in me now." So it ^s with us all. With the good will of the Master in the heart, the practice of the rules of good breeding is easy. Study, observation, experiment, will make any one master of this great accomplishment.

Chapter II, Politeness And Good Manners

^T will be accepted as a truism, that the heart should be educated as well as the mind and body. Good behavior, a pleasing carriage, civility, decent and respectful deportment, are the W\ products of an educated :1 heart. The cultivation of these traits, called, in a word, good manners, is a very important part in the education of every person of whatever call or rank in life. It may not be possible for every one to cultivate and expand the powers of his mind, but it is possible and requisite for every one who would associate with his fellow men, to learn and practice pleasing, affable manners. We believe it is as much a duty to be genteel, courteous, gentlemanly or lady like, as it is to be honest or truthful. So it is as essential that our children and young people should be carefully instructed in the principles of good manners, as it is that they should be developed intellectually, or encouraged to become intelligent, to improve. A graceful bearing and pleasing ways are not picked up in a day; they are not assumed and thrown aside as occasion may demand, but come to us as the result of careful attention and long practice. Man has been made a social being. Whether he wishes it or not, he can not very well help associating with his fellow men. In these associations he may be agreeable, pleasant and amia • ble, or he may be disagreeable, rough, vulgar and unbearable. That ease and gracefulness of manner, arising from a desire to please others, giving careful attention to the wants of others, which make one pleasing, attractive and sometimes even lovable, may properly be termed

POLITENESS.

The importance of being polite can not be overstated. Of all social acquirements of the present day it stands first. To have a place in good society, to be respectable or respected, to be a gentleman or a lady, one must be polite. Taking for granted , as we ought, tb e importance of this attribute of excellence, let us ask ourselves what true politeness implies. Politeness is a virtue. Like character, it has a great deal to do with what a man is. If it does not rank with the virtues of truth, honesty and love for fellow men, it is the outgrowth of them, and at the same time the index to them. True politeness is a heart product. If a man be truthful, honest, forbearing and unselfish — in short, full of love for his fellow men, he will be polite. The rules of etiquette which he observes are a mere outward expression, a form assumed by that politeness. So it can be truly said that goodness is the parent of politeness, as badness is the parent of vulgarity ; for bad temper is vulgar ; selfishness is vulgar ; greediness, prevarication, lying and dishonesty are vulgar — in short, vice is vulgar. Seeing, then, that true politeness is more important than simple, outward acts, that it is deeper than surface work, more lasting than the impression of temporary behavior, more like character than reputation, how important is the cultivation of politeness, or