The complete bachelor : manners for men

Preface

I suppose a book of this character needs some excuse. The world is full of volumes written on etiquette, and, in adding another to the number, my plea for filling the want long felt may seem ridiculous. But I have an excellent reason, and that is, that in all treatises of this character I have found the bachelor sadly neglected.

For many years, while conducting the query or " agony department" in Vogue, I received letters from all parts of the United States asking for information on certain details of etiquette which seem to have been overlooked by the compilers or writers of etiquette manuals. My correspondents always wanted these questions answered from the New York standpoint. All this I have endeavored to do in this volume. I have devoted a chapter to sports. In this I have made no attempt to vi (£l)e Complete J3ad)elor.

give the rules of the various pastimes therein enumerated. I have simply jotted down some points which I hope may be of use to the outsider.

In the chapter on dancing I have taken the Patriarchs' Ball in New York as my standard of subscription entertainments of this character. I have also written about cotillons as they are conducted in New York. I have endeavored to be plain and lucid. I only desired that this book should be a help to my reader in any dilemma of social import, and if 1 shall have proved of assistance, I shall feel that my mission has been accomplished, and that I have reached the goal of my ambition.

CONTENTS .

CHAPTER PAGE

I. The bachelor in public ..... i

II. HOW A BACHELOR SHOULD DRESS IO

III. The bachelor's toilet 17

IV. The care of a bachelor's clothes ... 24

V. Introductions, invitations, and calls . . 41

VI. Cards 49

VII. The diner-out ........ 54

VIII. A CODE OF TABLE MANNERS 62

IX. The city bachelor as host 74

X. The country house 85

XI. A bachelor's servants 94

XII. The dance 102

XIII. The cotillon 112

XIV. A bachelor's letters 119

XV. The bachelor's club 126

XVI. The sporting bachelor 136

XVII. A bachelor's travels at home and abroad . 160

XVIII. The engaged bachelor 169

XIX. The bachelor's wedding . . . . .172

XX. Funerals 193 vii

THE COMPLETE BACHELOR.

Chapter I. The Bachelor In Public

The average man is judged by his appearance and his deportment in public. His dress, his bearing, his conduct toward women and his fellow-men, are telling characteristics.

In the street, when walking with a woman — the term " lady " being objectionable, except in case of distinction — every man should be on his mettle. Common sense, which is the basis of all etiquette, teaches him that he should be her protector. Therefore, under general circumstances, his place is on the street or outer side. Should there be a crowd on the inner side, should the walking be muddy or rough, or should there be a building in process of repair, or one or the other of the inconveniences of city life, then the man should take the side which will enable him to shield his fair com-

2 Complete Bachelor.

panion from all annoyance. At night a man offers his arm to a woman. In the daytime etiquette allows this only when the sidewalk is very rough, when there are steps to climb, a crowd to be piloted through, or a street crossing to effect. In any one of these emergencies suggest, " I think you will find it better to take my arm/' A man never walks bodkin — that is, sandwiched between two women.

It is the privilege of a woman to bow first. She may have reasons why she should not wish to continue an acquaintance, and a man should never take the initiative. Abroad, in many countries, the man bows first. When old friends meet, however, the bowing is simultaneous.

A man lifts his hat in acknowledgment of any salutation made to the woman with whom he is walking. It is his place, on such an occasion, to bow to a man friend, whether the latter enjoys or does not have the pleasure of the acquaintance of the woman. A man's failure to do this signifies that the woman does not wish to know him, or that her companion does not wish her to know the other man.

Hotel corridors and halls may be classed as semi-public places. A man meeting a woman

QL\)c Sacljdor in Public. 3 in one of these, where by custom he is permitted to keep on his hat, must step aside and let her pass, raising his hat as he does so. This does not apply to theater corridors, theater or hotel lobbies, or offices. In such houses as the Waldorf in New York, where the hall is utilized as a general sitting room by both sexes, it is not good form for a man to keep on his hat. In London, however, the rule is not as strict.

Men in this country do not lift their hats to one another, except when they are introduced in the open or a public place. Civility is never wasted, and it is proper, as well as an act of reverence, to thus salute a clergyman or a venerable and distinguished gentleman.

A man always lifts his hat when offering a woman a service, such as picking up or restoring to her a dropped pocket handkerchief or other article, or when passing a fare in a public conveyance, or when rendering any trifling assistance. Should she be with a male escort, the latter should raise his hat and thank the person who has rendered the service. This bit of politeness is under no circumstances the prelude to an acquaintance with an unescorted woman, and no gentleman would take advantage of it. A man always raises his hat

4 ®f)e (ffcrmplete Bachelor.

and remains uncovered when talking to a woman.

It is not good form to stop a woman on the street, even if the exchange of a few commonplace remarks be the excuse. A man never joins a woman on a thoroughfare unless she be one from whose friendship he is sure that he can claim this privilege.

A gentleman always assists a woman in and out of a carriage or a public conveyance. He opens the door of the vehicle for her, helps her in by a deft motion of the right arm, and with his left protects her skirts from any possible mud or dust on the wheel. As he leaves her he closes the door, and, if it be a private conveyance, gives directions to the driver. He lifts his hat in bidding her good-by. Even when there is a footman, a second man, or an attendant, it should be esteemed a favor to give this assistance.

In entering shops, theaters, or other buildings, where there are swinging doors, the escort goes ahead and holds one of them ajar, passing in last. A woman always precedes a man, except in one or two special cases. A man precedes a woman walking down the aisle of a theater, and it is better form that he should take the inside seat, especially if there

Sacljdor in public. 5 is a man occupying the place next to the vacant one. A man precedes a woman up a narrow staircase in a public building, but in a private house, in ascending or descending a stairway, he should always allow the woman to precede him. In entering a theater box a man follows the usher, preceding the woman down the theater corridor to the door of the box. He then holds this open, and the women precede him, he following them. In a church, in going down a narrow aisle, the woman precedes the man.

The lift or elevator, as well as the corridors and lobbies of a public building, the office of a hotel, and the vestibule of a theater, are public highways. In these places a man keeps on his hat, his deportment being the same as he would observe in the street. But when the lift or elevator is fitted up as a drawing room, such as is used in hotels and other semi-public buildings, a man removes his hat when the other sex is of the number of its passengers.

When escorting a woman to a house where she is to make a visit, always mount the stoop or steps with her, ring the bell, and remain there until the servant comes to the door. Then, if you are not going in, take off your hat and leave her. Restaurants, the dining

6 SLIje Complete Bachelor.

rooms of hotels, roof gardens, and places of amusement in the open air, where refreshments are served, are semi-public.

A man always rises from the table at which he is sitting when a woman bows to him and immediately returns the salutation. Should the place be in the open, he doffs his hat, which under such circumstances he is obliged to wear. When he is in a party and a lady and her escort chance to stop at his table to exchange greetings with his friends, he should rise and remain standing during the conversation. If a man is introduced to him, unattended by a woman, and he is with a stag party, politeness bids him also rise.

A gentleman will never be seen in public with characters whom he could not introduce to his mother or his sister. A man when he is with a lady should be very careful, especially at roof gardens and such places in midsummer, about recognizing male acquaintances who seem to be in rather doubtful company.

In walking, a man should carry either a stick or a well-rolled umbrella. The stick should be grasped just below the crook or knob, but the ferrule must be kept downward. In business hours or on business thoroughfares to carry a stick is an affectation, but the man

®l)e Bachelor in Public. 7 of leisure is regarded leniently in these abodes as a privileged character.

The umbrella is an instrument of peace rather than a weapon of war, and should not be carried as " trailed arms," but like the stick it should be grasped a short distance below the handle, and the latter held almost upright on a very slight perpendicular.

In the presence of ladies, unless by special permission, a gentleman never smokes, and under no circumstances does he indulge in a weed while on the street or walking with them. If, while smoking, a man should meet a woman and there should be any stopping to talk, he must at once throw away his cigar or his cigarette. A pipe is never smoked on fashionable promenades, and a man in a top hat and a frock coat with a pipe in his mouth is an anomaly. The pipe accompanies tweeds and a "pot" hat in the country or on business thoroughfares. A meerschaum or a wooden pipe is then allowable, but never a clay or a dudeen. The cuspidor is a banished instrument. The filthy custom of tobacco chewing and consequent expectoration can not be tolerated in civilized society.

A gentleman is never hurried, nor does he loitej. The fashionable gait is comparatively

(jTomflletc JBacljeior.

slow, with long steps. The exaggerated stride of the Anglomaniac is as bad form as the swagger of the Bowery " tough." The correct demeanor is without gesture or apparent effort.

Staring at or ogling women, standing at the entrances of theaters, churches, or other public buildings, stopping still and turning back to look at some one or something in the street, can be classified as offenses of which no gentleman can be guilty.

Free and easy attitudes are not tolerated in good society, and this same rule should apply to public conveyances. As the man who crosses his legs in the presence of ladies is absolutely impossible, so should be the individual who commits the same crime in a public conveyance. He not only proves a nuisance to those around him, but he is a source of damage as well as danger to the comfort and safety of his fellow-passengers.

In a crowded car, ferryboat, or stage, it is yet a mooted question as to whether or not a man should give up his seat to a woman. In theory he should, but there are circumstances under which he may be pardoned. To a refined or delicate lady, to an old or an enfeebled woman, or one burdened with bundles or with a baby in the arms, the answer to this should

©fye Bachelor in public. 9 be a decided affirmative. In the South, this gallant action is universally practiced, except when the woman is a negress. In public conveyances a man should sit to the right of a woman.

An escort should pay all fares in public conveyances, and should look after the comfort and welfare of his companion, taking entire charge of tickets, luggage, and luggage checks. Should a woman insist upon paying her pro rata of the expenses the arrangement can be made before starting, many sensible women handing their escorts their purses for the purpose. Do not offer to pay the fare of any of your women friends who might possibly enter your train or stage. This is embarrassing and not necessary. A railway car or carriage being a public conveyance, a man always keeps on his hat, as he also does in a cab or any other vehicle in which he is driving, accompanied or not accompanied by one of the opposite sex.

Chapter II. How A Bachelor Should Dress

There are three rules of dress which, for the ordinary man in his everyday life, might be resolved into two. These originally are morning, afternoon, and evening. Morning and evening are absolutely necessary; afternoon dress is donned on special occasions only.

Morning dress is that which is worn during business hours or at any time in any place, where semiformal dress is not required until candlelight or seven o'clock in the evening. - It consists usually in winter of a lounge or single-breasted sack suit made of many different kinds of material, the favorites being Scotch tweeds or black and blue cheviots, rough-faced and smooth. Fashions are liable to some variation season after season, and the general rule can only be laid down in a book of this kind.

tyom a Bachelor slioulb JBress. n

With the morning or lounge dress in winter is worn the Derby or soft-felt Alpine hat, called the Hombourg. The Derbies are black, brown, or drab, and the felts are gray, brown, drab, or black. The colored shirt with white standing or turned-down collar is the usual accompaniment to the lounge suit. The fashion for colored shirts in stripes has been that the patterns run up and down and not across the bosom. The tie is a four-in-hand or an Ascot, or a simple bow, the boots black leather or dark-brown russet, and the gloves of tan or gray undressed kid or of dogskin. For ordinary business wear, suits of black or gray mixed cheviot, vicuna or worsted, or fancy Scotch goods, the coat of which is a " cutaway, "are also popular; but the black diagonal " cutaway " has passed entirely out of fashion, and is utilized at present in riding costume.

The lounge suit in summer is of blue flannel or very light cheviot or tweed. Straw hats are worn in place of Derbies and felts. Fashion sometimes dictates fancy waistcoats of linen to be worn with business suits; otherwise the entire costume— trousers, coat, and waistcoat — is of the same material.

In the country, at the seaside, or in communities where golf, wheeling, tennis, yachti2 ®|)e (JTcntplcte Sacfyekrr.

ing or other sports and pastimes are the order of the day. the costumes appropriate for these are in vogue for lounge or morning suits. This is what the English call " mufti." Such costumes are, however, not in good form in the city.

Black leather, tan, or russet shoes are worn with morning dress. White duck or flannel trousers, with black or blue cheviot coat and waistcoat, make fashionable lounge suits for summer resorts.

Afternoon dress consists of a double-breasted frock coat of soft cheviot, vicuna, or diagonal worsted with either waistcoat to match — single-breasted or double-breasted — of fancy cloth, Marseilles duck or pique; trousers of different material, usually cashmere, quiet in tone, with a striped pattern on a dark gray, drab, or blue background; boots of patent leather, buttoned, not tied ; a white or colored shirt with straight standing white collar; a four-in-hand, puffed Ascot, or small club tie; silk hat and undressed gray, tan, or brown kid gloves. The colored shirt is an innovation, and it should be used sparingly, white linen on any semiformal function being in better form. When spats are used they should be of brown, gray, or drab cloth or canvas, to match the trousers as nearly as possible. Some ultra faddists wear white kid gloves with afternoon dress, but the fashion is not universal.

Afternoon dress, is the attire for weddings — for the bridegroom, best man, ushers, and male guests; at afternoon teas, afternoon receptions, afternoon calls, afternoon walks on the fashionable avenue, garden parties (but not picnics), luncheons, and, in fact, at all formal or semiformal functions taking place between midday and candlelight, as well as at church on Sundays, at funerals, and in the park in London after midday.

Gray frock-coat suits are recent introductions from London, and have been worn at all the functions at which the black is required, but the latter is more conservative and in better taste. The afternoon dress is seldom worn in midsummer, morning suits being allowable at seaside and mountain-resort day functions.

Evening dress is the proper attire, winter or summer, on all occasions after candlelight. There are two kinds of evening dress, formal and informal.

Formal or "full" evening dress, as it is sometimes vulgarly called, consists of the evening or " swallowtail " coat of black dress worsted or soft-faced vicuna, with or without i4 GTontplete Bachelor.

silk or satin facing, with waistcoat and trousers of the same material, the latter plain or with a braid down the sides. The "dress" waistcoat can also be of white duck or pique, in which case it is double-breasted. The shape of the dress waistcoat shows the shirt bosom in the form of a " U."

The evening shirt is of plain white linen, with two shirt buttons and link cuffs, straight standing collar, white lawn or linen tie. The gloves are white with white stitching, the hose of black silk, and the handkerchief, which must be present but not seen, of plain white linen. The shoes are patent-leather pumps or "low quarters," tied, not buttoned.

The overcoat is an Inverness of black cheviot, lined with satin and without sleeves, and the hat a crush opera. These two latter adjuncts are not indispensable, but most convenient. An ordinary black overcoat and top hat can be worn with evening dress. No visible jewelry — not even a watch chain — is allowed. The shirt buttons are either of white enamel, dull-finished gold, or pearls, and the sleeve links white-enameled or lozenge-shaped disks of gold, with a monogram thereon engraved.

Evening dress is de rigeur at balls, dances, evening receptions, evening weddings, dinfyow a Bachelor stjaulb HDress. 15 ners, suppers, the opera, and the theater, when calling after candlelight, and in fact at any formal evening function and generally when ladies are present.

Informal evening dress differs from formal in the wearing of the Tuxedo or dinner coat in place of the " swallowtail," and the substitution of a black silk for a white lawn tie.

The dinner coat is of black worsted or vicuna, satin-faced. It is the badge of informality. Formerly it was only worn at the club, at small stag dinners, and on occasions when ladies were not present. Now it is in vogue during the summer at hotel hops and at small informal parties to the play, at bowling parties, restaurant dinners, and, in fact, on any occasion which is not formal. From June to October men wear it in town every evening without overcoat.

As the dinner jacket is short, a top or silk hat can not be worn with it. The proper headgear in winter is a black felt soft hat, in summer a straw.

The dinner jacket is becoming a necessity. It is worn also by all youths and boys from twelve years to seventeen, at which latter period they can assume the toga virilis or swallowtail.

16 ®l)e QTontplete Bcufydcr.

I here append a few cautionary hints which must be taken if you wish to dress welL

All scarves and ties should be tied by one's self. Made-up neckwear of any kind is not worn by well-groomed men.

White evening waistcoats and Tuxedo coats do not agree; black is only allowable.

Jewelry is vulgar. The ring for a man is a seal of either green or red stone, or of plain burnished gold with the seal or monogram engraved upon it. It must be worn on the little finger.

Watch chains and watch fobs are not in vogue. Watches and latchkeys are attached to a key chain and hidden in the trousers pocket. Diamonds are only in good form when set in a scarf pin, and even then they are in questionable taste. Diamond buttons and diamond rings are absolutely vulgar.

The fashionable overcoat in winter is a Chesterfield or single-breasted frock of kersey or like material in brown, blue, or black, with velvet collar. For autumn and spring the tan covert coat is in vogue.

Chapter III. The Bachelor's Toilet

The first care of a bachelor is his bath or tub. To-day, houses — especially clubs and bachelor apartments — are fitted up so luxuriously that each tenant has his own individual tiled bathroom, which he uses also as a dressing room. But where these are not, the tin or the India-rubber bath tub serves as well the purpose of our first ablution. A cold bath to many is a good refresher and awakener, but there are others again whose constitutions can not stand the shock, especially in winter, of icy-cold water. For cleansing purposes, tepid water is best, or a mixture of hot and cold, so as to take the chill off.

A gentleman takes at least one tub a day, and that, as may be inferred from the previous remarks, when he arises. If the tub is in the bedroom, have a rubber cloth placed under, and fill it only half full. The sponge is used

18 Q^e (JTontpkte Bachelor.

for the bath, the wash rag for the washstand. The body should have a thorough soaping. The soap should be either Castile or a pure unscented glycerin. Sweet-scented soaps, perfumery, and sweet waters of all kinds should be eschewed. The Turkish towel is the best for drying, and it should be vigorously but not roughly applied. A flesh brush may be also used with comfort. As soon as the body is perfectly dry the bath robe or large Turkish towel, which some prefer to WTap themselves in, like Indians, should be resumed and shaving begun.

Every man should learn to shave himself. Razors are very delicate instruments and should be kept in thorough order. Safety razors with little blades for each day in the week are excellent, but if you use the ordinary razor add to your collection from time to time, until you have at least half a dozen. Once a month send these to a barber to be stropped, and strop them yourself both before and after using. Wipe them dry with a piece of chamois cloth and put them back in their cases. The best strop is of Russia leather or of canvas.

Warm water is not absolutely necessary for shaving, as some beards are soft and resist heat.

®l)e Bachelor's Soilet. 19

If possible, arrange a shaving stand with a triplicate mirror and places for your razors, shaving mug, brush, and soap. You can purchase one of these, with the entire outfit, for a few dollars at any of the large city shops. A ring or little silver or metal hook for shaving paper can be placed on one side of the stand. A cleanly man shaves every morning. After shaving, wash the face with a little warm water and wipe it thoroughly dry. Add to the water a few drops of ammonia or of Pond's extract, if the skin is liable to chap.

In the fashion of beards, the clean or smooth-shaven face, the pointed beard, and the simple mustache are those generally in vogue. Should you wear a beard, you should have for it a special comb and brush.

A small tin basin, a package of sea salt, and a special wash rag are the requisites for a morning eye bath. Sea salt and warm water are recommended by oculists as the best tonic for the eyes.

The teeth next claim your attention. There is nothing more disgusting than foul breath, which comes frequently from neglected teeth. Use a soft toothbrush. Avoid patent tooth washes and lotions. An excellent tooth powder is made of two thirds French chalk, one

2o ®t)£ Complete ©actjekrr.

third orris root, and a pinch of myrrh. Any chemist will put this up for fifteen cents. Tepid and not cold water should be used. In rinsing the mouth a drop or two of listerine added to the water is excellent. Teeth should be brushed at least twice a day — morning and evening. Never use soap on your toothbrush. Get a spool of dental silk — it will cost you eight cents — and draw the thread between your teeth before you retire, so as to remove any substance which might have got into a crevice. And, above all, have your teeth examined carefully by a good dentist at least twice a year.

See that your toothbrush is sweet and clean, and place it handle down in the tooth mug.

The hands should be well washed and dried, tepid water, scentless soap, and a smooth towel being used. The nails should have a vigorous rubbing with a good nailbrush in the morning before your meals and before you go to bed at night. The nail file and nail scissors must be used as often as possible. Remember, dirty finger nails betray the vulgar and the unkempt. A man with dirty hands is impossible.

The nails should not be pointed, but well

®l)c Bachelor 1 s Soilct. 21 rounded and kept free of bits of callous skin around the base, called " hangnails." Finger nails should be kept short, just a bit beyond the fleshy tip of the finger.

The nails of the toes should be kept as carefully as those of the hands. In summer a little talcum powder on the feet will prevent the odor of perspiration.

The fashions for parting the hair change with the times. At present it is the direct part in the middle which is most fashionable. Very young men wear their hair unusually long, but this fad is uncleanly. The hair should be cut at least once a month, and a glimpse of the skin of the neck should always intervene between the roots and the collar.

Pomatums and greases and scents of all kinds are sticky and injurious. If you suffer with dryness of the scalp rub a little vaseline into it occasionally. Washings with tar soap or with a little alcohol and rosemary are beneficial. The scalp should be well brushed with moderately firm but not hard bristles. The best brushes are those without handles, known as army and navy. Water is bad for the hair. Constant combing with a fine-tooth comb is apt to irritate the scalp and provoke dandruff,

22 ®f)e Cffotttplete Bachelor.

which can be allayed by brushing, shampooing, and the use of borax and warm water.

Turkish or Russian baths are beneficial now and then, and the vigorous massage after a thorough steaming is admirable for the skin. A man should be scrupulously neat about his toilet articles and appliances. In your bathroom you should have a rack for your coarse and fine towels. Always place the towel you have used at the side of a stationary or on the back of a movable tub to dry. See that the soap is removed from your sponges, and once a fortnight clean them in one quarter of an ounce of borax dissolved in tepid water. Let them soak for an hour, and squeeze them out in clean water.

Hairbrushes are washed in a little soda put into a quart of hot water. The brush must be dipped downward so as not to wet the back. When they are cleansed they can be rinsed in cold water and stood on their side, after the water is shaken out, until quite dry.

Nailbrushes must be turned on their sides, after using, so that the water will not soak in and crack their backs.

A man's toilet articles, whether in silver or wood, should be of one distinctive style and material. Tooth and nail brushes should never

QL\)c Cacljeior SToilct. 23 have silver handles, but hair and clothes brushes with silver backs are very smart. They should be kept polished with a chamois cloth, and occasionally a little silver polish or whiting. Your bureau or dressing table is the place for the hair and clothes brushes, the combs, the toilet mirror, nail files, nail scissors, and such smaller articles. Your nail and tooth brushes and soaps go on the wash-hand stand. Your sponges are best put in a little wire basket at the side of the wash-hand stand, or the immovable washstand if your room or bathroom has the latter convenience.