Polite life; or, What is right in etiquette and the social arts

Front matter

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Preface

r[7HERB is no country where there are so many people asking what is "proper to do," or, indeed, where there are so many genuinely anxious to do the proper thing, as in the vast conglomerate which we call The United States of America. The newness of our country is perpetually renewed by the sudden making of fortunes, and by the absence of a hereditary, reigning set. There is no aristocracy here which has the right and title to set the fashion.

We contend that it is in no way derogatory to a new country like our own, if on some minor points of etiquette we presume to differ from older countries. We find it necessary to fit our garments to the climate, our manners to our fortunes and our habits and customs to the demands of the age in which we live. We have, however, many faults and inelegancies of which foreigners justly accuse us, which we can easily correct by a little careful study of this book, which is given to the people after much thought based on common sense and every-day life.

11 PREFACE.

The design of this work is to furnish ample and satisfactory information on all those subjects that are embraced under the word ' ' Etiquette, ' ' to the end that the readers may have before them the best thoughts on the topics considered.

The classification of the work is such, that by the aid of the Table of Contents, the place where any topic or sub-topic is treated can be found almost instantaneously.

In addition to the subject matter properly belonging to Etiquette, there is given much kindred information collated from the most reliable sources.

That the book might be prepared in the best manner, and free from the impress of one person's views, a number of writers have been selected, whose . education and opportunities render them peculiarly fitted for treating the subjects on which they have written. In this way we are enabled to furnish the ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of America, with the most complete work on Etiquette that has yet been presented to our people.

Chapter I

Our Home — Natural Politeness — Etiquette — Husband and Wife — Our Life at Home — Etiquette at Home — Refined Taste — Manners and their Value — A Mother's Influence — Be Honest — Ambition — Respect—Do not Quarrel or Complain — "In Honor Preferring One Another" — Govern by Love — Reading a Blessing What to Read — Choosing Books — The Library — Our Language — Religious Training —Choose Well- - Life-Calling Pages 13-35

Chapter II

Necessity of Introducing — Introducing Escorts to Dinner — Exclusiveness — Social Endorsement — Gentleman to a Lady — Without Ceremony—Proper Introduction — During Calls — Family Introductions — Titles — Necessary — Our Duty — Recognition — Bad Conduct — Street Introductions — Introducing One's Self — Customs Governing Introductions — Introductions by Letter — Delivering Letters — Duty of the One Addressed— Business Letters — Summary of Introductions — Introductions at Presidential Receptions. , Pages 36-61

Chapter III

Discretional Civilities — America and Other Countries — Cultivate a Civil Manner— Traveling — Courtesy — Good Manners — Our Duty — Bad Style Page 62-7 1 viii CONTENTS.

Chapter IV

Societ/ — Humble Society — Social Laws — England's Queen — Judge Not — False Culture — Young Lady — Young Gentleman — Counterfeits — American Society — Affected or Natural — Be Natural — Society and Dress — Conversation from the Heart — Gossiping — Modesty — The Young Man in Society — Respect — Money ..Pages 72-86

Chapter V

Meeting and Greeting — Kinds of Salutations — The Young to the Old — New Acquaintance — Promenades or Driving — Some Antiquated Expressions — Two Sexes Only — Common Words of Greeting — Hearty Expression of Good Will — Frankness and Cordiality — A Kiss— A Friendship Kiss — Public Kissing. ............ Pages 87-95

Chapter VI

Our Conversation — The Art of Conversing — Memory — Talk Correctly — A Fluent Talker — A Good Listener — Unselfishness — Complaints — Common Every-day Talk — Double Wrong — Satire and Ridicule — Secret of Conversation — How a Husband Should Speak of His Wife — How a Lady Should Speak of Her Husband — Impertinent Questions — Vulgar Exclamations — Avoid These Pages 96-106

Chapter VII

Etiquette of Notes Acceptances and Regrets — Hesitancy — The Host and Hostess — The Eldest Daughter — Officers, Bachelors and Club Members — To Luncheon — Punctuality and Regrets — Friends in Mourning — Stylish-^French Idioms — Regret — Address and Delivery . o .Pages 107- 1 17

Chapter VIII

Etiquette of Cards,Condolence and Congratulation— Compliment Cards — Condolence — Congratulations — Ceremony — Courtesy — Gentleman's Card — Lady's Card— Mother's and Daughter's Cards — Young Lady's Card — Husband and Wife — Tea and Coffee Cards, Etc. — P. P. C. Cards — Mourning Cards — Miscellaneous Invitations. ., „ Pages 118-131

CONTENTS. ix

Chapter IX

Maxims and Business — Rules for Business — Money — Credit and .-Letters Pages 132 • 140

Chapter X

Balls and Receptions— Flowers — Partners — Convenience of Balls — Serving vSupper — Be Careful not to Offend — Leave-Taking — Home Sacred— Covering the Floor — Smoking— Balls— Preparations for Balls — Music — Dancing — Introducing at Balls— Invitations — Country Parties — Sunday Hospitalities — Five o'clock Tea — Informal Receptions — Formal Receptions — Receiving— After Calls — Supper — Duties of Those Invited — A Gentleman's Duty — The Escort's Duty — Etiquette of Receptions and Balls,. .Pages 141-163

Chapter XI

Weddings — Duty of the Groom's Family — The Presents — Home Weddings — After the Tour — Leaving Cards — Courtship — The Gentleman — The Lady — Proposals — Acquaintance Before Marriage — Manner of Courtship— Vigilance by Parents — Happiest State for Man and Woman — Mutual Confidence— Unwelcome Suit — A Lady's First Refusal — Rejected Suitor — Duties of an Engaged Couple — Breaking an Engagement — Church Weddings — Mourning Dress at Wedding— The Brides-maids and Groomsman— Admission Cards — Requirements of Brides-maids and Ushers — Cards — Evil of Liberty — Spring and Summer Weddings- -Out -of- Town Weddings — Bonnets and Hats Pages 164-187

Chapter XII

Paper, Wood, Tin, Silver and Golden Weddings — Wooden Wedding — Tin Wedding — Crystal Wedding — China Wedding — Silver Wedding — Golden Wedding — Diamond Wedding Pages 188-191

Chapter XIII

Dining Rooms and Dinners — Ornamenting — Dinners — Dining Room — Servants — Invitations to Dinner — The Invitation — The Acceptance — Note Declining Invitation — Success or Failure — Entering the Dining Room — Our Manner — After Dessert — General Rules — Eating — Luncheon — Informal Luncheons — Our Custom — Supper — Fork and Spoon — Napkins. ...„,, Pages 192-215

Chapter XVIII

Polite Life's Rules for Writing Letters — Beginning of Letter-Writing — Write Dignified Letters — Proper Letters — Improper Letters — Heading — The Introduction — Business Letters — The Body of the Letter — The Conclusion — The Stamp— A Social Letter — A Business Letter — Letters of Introduction — Family Letters — Letters of Friendship — Love Letters — Replies — Epistolary Composition Pages 247-278

CONTENTS.

Chapter XIX

Etiquette of Funerals — Funeral Invitations — Arrangements — House oi Mourning — The Services — Pall-Bearers — The Procession — Calls Upon the Bereaved Family — Mourning — Mourning Respected — Period of Mourning — Letters of Condolence — The Body and Coffin — Cards — Condolence Pages 279-292

Chapter XXV. Recipes

How to be Beautiful — The Hands and Face — The Secrets of Beauty- Powders and Cosmetics — Complexion Wash — To Clear a Tanned Skin — How to Make the Hair Curl — Wrinkles — Pearl Water for the Face — Pearl Dentifrice — Wash for Blotched Face — Face Powder — Bandoline — A Good Wash for the Hair — To Remove Dandruff — To Preserve the Hair — To Prevent the Hair from Turning Gr^y — Cure for Baldness — To Restore Gray Hair — Hair (Removed by Fevers — Tonic for the Hair — Curling and Crimping the Hair — Brushing the Hair — Care of the Teeth — To Clean Black Teeth — To Clean the Teeth and Gums — To Beautify the Teeth — Toothache Preventive — Wash for the Teeth — To Make Lip Salve — Remedy for Chapped Hands — Lotion to Remove Freckles — To Remove Sunburn — Tan — Freckles — For Clothes that Fade — Lamp-wicks — To Make Old Scrap-books Nearly Equal to New — To Clean Kid Gloves — Home Dressmaking — A Woman's Skirt — Perspiration — ■ To Ward Off Mosquitoes — For Soft Corns — To Remove Corns — Ingrowing Nails — To Remove Warts — Remember. . .Pages 326.354

POLITE UFE.

Chapter I. Our Home

SOME may be the brightest, most cheerful and happy §jj| place on earth, or it may be directly the opposite.

Men toil to

make it the grandest of all institutions, and women strive to beautify it and make it the most attractive; while all can contribute to its joys and happiness, there is no concealing the fact, that it is the kingdom of Woman. It is her duty to embellish and to make it tasteful and cosey. If a woman rule and direct this earthly kingdom to the comfort and blessedness of her family, she has done what God intended in giving her to be the "he 1 p-meet" of man.

To be loved is the instinctive desire of every human heart. To be respected, to be honored, to be successful, is the ambition of all. Our constant desire is to be happy; this never-varying instinct lies at the foundation of every action; it is the constantly propelling force in our every effort.

We toil for the acquisition of wealth, for position and place, for social and political distinction, which brings happiness. And when all is obtained, the real enjoyment in its possession comes from the thousand little courtesies that are exchanged between individuals — pleasant words and kindly acts, which the poor may enjoy as well as the rich.

In reality it need not take much to make us happy: our real wants are few. To be fed, clothed and provided with comfortable homes, are the real necessities. When we add to these kindness and love from those with whom we associate, we may with a contented spirit, be very happy, it matters not how lowly our position.

There is one perpetual law, however, running through all our intercourse with others, which is

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ETIQUETTE. 17

and thus embarass their warmest friends. So, we contend that a treatise on general conduct is as much a necessity as the text-book on grammar, penmanship or mathematics.

If the soldier is more efficient by drill, the teacher more competent by practice, the parliamentarian more influential by understanding the code of parliamentary law, then equally is the general member of society more successful by an understanding of the laws of etiquette, which teach how to appear, and what to do and say in the varied positions in which he may be placed.

In the study of etiquette, much may be learned by observation, but much more is learned by practice. There is a very great difference between theory and practice. Both are necessities — the former in pointing the way; the latter by making use of theory in practical application. In this way we may acquire ease and grace of manner: First, by understanding the regulations which govern social etiquette; and secondly, by a free intermingling in society, putting into continual practice the theories which we understand. To avail ourselves, however, to the fullest extent of society advantages, we must have acquaintance; and hence, we introduce the rules of etiquette in chapter two, on presentation, or the art of getting acquainted.

HUSBAND AND WIFE.

Husband and wife should remember that they have taken each other i ' for better or for worse, ' ' Their companionship is to end only with death; hence they should see to it that their affection as lovers ripens into a permanent devotion. They cannot become congenial companions without some effort to be such. If one should have tastes and inclinations to which the other is averse, they should not be obtruded. In matters where conscientious conviction is not involved, each should willingly yield to the other. One thing is indispensable to the happiness of married life, and that is, confidence in each other. The faith which has been plighted at the altar is considered so sacred that once broken it can hardly be repaired again. Each must make allowance for the other's weaknesses. Be ready to give and willing to receive corrections from each other. Let criticisms never be made in a fault-finding way, however. Show a lively appreciation for the attentions and favors received from each other, and thus cultivate the love of making person-

OUR LIFE A 7 HOME. 19

al sacrifices. The husband should consider his wife entitled to know all about his business plans, and he should make her his counselor in all new undertakings. If the wife is not worthy to be the "confidante" of her husband, she is not fit to be his wife. Whatever faults each may see in the other should not be paraded before others. Any little difficulty or misunderstanding should be settled without the intervention of a third party. Bad temper should be suppressed and angry words withheld. One word spoken in haste may inflict a wound in the heart of your companion which will require months or years to heal over.

OUR LIFE AT HOME.

Politeness is a habit. He who would be truly polite in society must render politeness habitual at home. Why is not politeness as good for home as for other society ? Many seem to think that gentleness and civility are only necessary in society other than the family. They take extra pains to be polite in company because it contributes to the enjoyment of all, and relieves the occasion of friction. Why will it not do the same at home? How pleasant that home where rudeness is unknown, and all are civil and polite ! One should be governed by the laws of politeness toward all the members of one's own family no less than in the intercourse of general society. There is, in addition, a tenderness and respect among the members of the home circle which can not be felt toward a common acquaintance. First of all, the father should receive a degree of deference which is ^iven to no other. His opinions should be received with great respect, and his advice with gratitude and attention. His weaknesses, if perceived, should be concealed more carefully than your own. His comfort and convenience should be studied on every occasion. The mother may be treated with more freedom, but certainly with more tenderness. Happy is the mother to whom her children render the unreserved homage of the heart. Relations claim a preference over common acquaintances, if they are worthy. Always treat them with the respect due them. In conversation at the fireside and at table, such subjects should be chosen as have some interest for the wife or children, or both. Endeavor to render your meals social as well as physical repasts. But never engage in defaming the character of any ' one, or holding up the faults of your neighbors before your children. Some children are raised to hear

REFINED TASTE. 21

other children talked about until they think there is nobody virtuous or honest. Hold up the virtues of others, and not their vices.

ETIQUETTE AT HOME.

"Manners are stronger than laws." Good manners and good morals go together — they are firm allies. To refined persons there is nothing so repulsive as bad manners; they not only see them but feel them. It hurts a lady or gentleman of taste to see the common rules of etiquette violated.

REFINED TASTE.

There is no purely good manners in the absence of correct tastes. It is important from the earliest childhood to begin the formation of pure tastes. A correct taste is more properly the result of a general moral and intellectural culture than of any direct rules of discipline. It is a matter of feeling. It rests upon a few broad principles ; and when these are interwoven with the character, the desired end will be attained. Manners must be practiced at home, at your own table, your own drawing-room and parlor. Like politeness, of which they are really a part, they must be habitual. The children should be taught to act at home just as the most sensitive parent would have them act at the house of a friend. Manners are awkward things unless they are natural. They are unnatural if we are conscious of them, and especially if they cost us some effort.

MANNERS AND THEIR VAUJE.

We should not think of good manners as something fostered solely to carry with us when we go visiting. They have a permanent value in themselves. Home life is where, most of all, they are needed. Manners tend to preserve mutual respect between brothers and sisters and parents and children. As we naturally despise ill manners, so those who bear them become the object of our contempt. Good manners preserve us from too great familiarity on the one hand and too great reserve on the other. By them we are able to hold others at a distance, and at the same time win their esteem. Make the family life a model of courtesy and good manners, and the sons and daughters, when they go out into the world, will be in no danger of attracting the ill-bred and vicious.

A MOTHER'S INFLUENCE.

Upon the mother devolves the duty of planting in the hearts of her children those seeds of love and

BE HONEST. 23

virtue which shall develop useful and happy lives. There are no words to express the relation of a mother to her children. Indeed, it is more than a relation ; they are the same bone and the same flesh. The mother's supremest delight is in her children. They are the objects of her care and love. She cares not for the outward world, and is, in fact alienated from it. Wealth may come to them, great honors may be heaped upon them, but she never thinks of them other than as her children.

President Garfield's mother, upon hearing the news of her son's assassination, exclaimed: u O! how could they kill my baby!" Through all the years and conflicts of his life — in all the high positions he had occupied up to the highest gift of the nation — he was never anything else to her than her "baby." This is the mother's instinct. She is constantly thrilled with the passion for her children. Let the mother, then, never forget that while she is training children she is rearing men and women. A mother's love and prayers and tears are seldom lost on even the most wayward child.

BE HONEST.

Home culture pertains to all qualities of mind and heart that go to make up character. There is no part of child-training that should be wholly entrusted to others — and certainly no part of moral training. One of the first things children learn to do is to tell stories. This is generally the first offense. When they are very small, parents think it so "cunning" to see them playing little pranks, and encourage them in it. Out of this encouragement comes the disposition to play bigger pranks when older. Your children will be honest with you, if you are strictly honest with them.

Honesty will beget moral courage. Set your children the example of being true to conviction — of being conscientious in all things. If you have succeeded in training a child to be conscientious, you have succeeded in everything.

AMBITION.

Industry is a virtue; idleness is a vice. Industry sharpens the faculties of the mind and strengthens the sinews of the body, while indolence corrodes and weakens them. If the child is not industrious he soon becomes discontented, envious, jealous, and even vicious. u An idle brain is the devil's work-shop." In this busy world there is no room for idle men or women. They are dead weights on society. The

RESPECT. 25

industrious man is the happy man. He feels that he is doing something by his industry for society — at least, he is paying his own way through the world. Parents should encourage labor, in some useful form, as a duty. If you give your children money for any purpose, teach them to make some return for it — to engage in some extra work about the house or farm or office. Make them feel that they must earn their enjoyment. Industry is a security against shiftlessness and a lavish use of money. There is no virtue like that of industry. In the language of Addison, "Mankind are more indebted to industry than ingenuity; the gods set up their favors at a price, and industry is the purchaser."

RESPECT.

There are many ugly qualities which the children, through the negligence of the mother, easily attach to themselves. Among these are malice, avarice, self-esteem, lack of neatness, and a disregard for the convenience and welfare of others. There is one feeling, however, which, if early and strongly inculcated, will prove a safeguard against these and many other evils, and that is, the feeling of self-respect. One great reason for the absence of this feeling in children is, that parents and grown people do not show to them that respect they deserve. When you hear a father speaking to his children, calling them "chap," "brats," or "young 'uns," you may be sure there will be a lack of self-respect on the part of the children. Call children by their right names, speak to them in an affectionate way, make them feel that you are counting on them for something, and they will then think something of themselves.

Self-respect is one of the necessary conditions of a true manhood. It saves one from engaging in the thousand little dishonorable things that defile the character and blast the reputation. The mother having once made her children conscious that they are somebody — the object, at least, of a mother's love and a mother's prayers — it will serve as a shield to them in a thousand temptations.

DO NOT QUARREL OR COMPLAIN.

11 The oil of civility is required to make the wheels of domestic life run smoothly." The habit of quarreling and complaining, so often seen in the home circle, greatly mars the enjoyment of home life. These little annoyances occurring every day and every hour really make life a burden. Give your

"IN HONOR PREFERRING ONE ANOTHER." 27

children no just cause for complaint. Feed them well, clothe them well, and indulge them in such social enjoyments as are innocent and elevating. Teach them the beauty of peace and contentment, and be sure you set them the example yourself. Never let them hear anything but kind words, and they will be very apt to catch the spirit of a peaceful and quiet life. Constant fault-finding, misrepresentation of motives, suspicions of evil where no evil exists, will work the complete destruction of peace and quiet in any home.

u IN HONOR PREFERRING ONE ANOTHER.' '

This suggestion, made by an apostle to Christian people, is a good motto in the family. One of the greatest disciplines of human life is that which teaches us to yield our will to others. It is hard to do, even in the trifling things of every-day life. We should not be taught to yield, of course, where principle is concerned; but in the thousand little troubles at home between children, and even between parents, there is nothing more involved usually than a mere notion or fancy.

Cultivate the grace of giving in or yielding to the wishes of others. If you show no disposition to stubbornness, those who are with you will refrain from doing so, too. Thus the path of every-day life is freed from jars and discord, and home is made pleasant and peaceful. This discipline will be of inestimable value in after life, for if we get through life successfully we must, sooner or later, learn to yield.

GOVERN BY LOVE.

The government of the family should rest upon love rather than fear. The only true obedience is that which is inspired by love. The child that is coerced through fear of brutal punishment, will one day become either desperate or cowed. The rod should not be spared altogether, but it should seldom be resorted to. Many of the largest and most obedient families have been raised without the rod. Obedience you must have; if this is lacking, everything else will go wrong; your instructions and counsels will prove ineffectual. Nothing has a greater tendency to bring a curse upon a family than the insubordination and disobedience of children. The ungoverned child will be the law-breaking man. Obedience to authority is one of the first laws of all government and social order. That parent who turns

READING A BLESSING. 29

out upon society an ungoverned and disobedient son or daughter, inflicts a public injury upon it. A great part of the lawlessness which furnishes our jails and penitentiaries with occupants, is due to bad home discipline.

READING A BLESSING.

The love of reading enables a man to exchange the wearisome hours of life which come to every one, for hours of delight. Cultivate in your children a desire for reading. First be a reader yourself, if possible; this will enable you to advise and direct the tastes of your children in this direction. Reading is not only valuable for the information it gives, but, what is of more value to the young, it redeems the hours from idleness and mischief. The habit of reading will keep your son in off the street at night, or from running over the country on idle days, in search of companions to help him kill time. It will turn the tastes of your daughter from the ball-room, and fit her for more cultivated society.

WHAT TO READ.

What sort of reading matter shall come into the family ? This question ought to be settled before the

30 POLITE LIFE AND E1IQUETTE.

tastes of the young readers become perverted, and they relish only that which is vile, evil and hurtful.

CHOOSING BOOKS.

u Be as careful of the books you read as of the company you keep; for your habits and character will be as much influenced by the former as the latter." — Hood. Books are as much a part of a home-as pictures or furniture or carpets. A home without books is desolate indeed. Nothing elevating or ennobling can come from such a place. If you have books lying around, your children will naturally take to them.

The great and good Channing said, " I^et every man, if possible, gather some good books under his roof." They are good company for children as well as grown people. You need never fear to trust your children with them. No mother who has the welfare of her children at heart will neglect the important work of choosing the proper books for them to read while they are under her charge. She should select such books for them as will instruct and interest; and this should be done before their, minds are poisoned with bad books and novels. Go into any bookstore, and you will find it an easy thing to select

OUR LANGUAGE. 31

suitable works for the family. Do not mind the light expense. The joy of seeing your children around the fireside, discussing this or that which they have read about, instead of wanting to be out in town in riotous company, will more than repay you for your money and pains.

- THE LIBRARY.

A library means a collection of books comprising variety — books of general literature, secular and religious, dictionary, encyclopedias, etc. Every home should have a library, if possible. Do not be content to buy a few scattering books here and there, but have a book- case, and put in it, from time to time, as you can afford it, varieties of books. L,et your children see that you take a pride in getting books, and they will take a pride in reading them. The very sight of a library is an inspiration.

OUR LANGUAGE.

It seems next to impossible to keep bad language of some sort out of the home. Children catch it up on the streets from their playmates, and bring it home with them in spite of everything. But a great deal can be done by vigilance upon the part of parents. Not only should profanity be rigidly forbidden, but also slang and impolite language of whatever kind, Vulgarity in common conversation is especially loathesome. Make home a place too sacred for any such indulgence.

RELIGIOUS TRAINING.

Every good habit, pure sentiment and nobU aspiration has its origin and support in religion. It is the duty of parents to be religious. Your example will not be worth much unless you constantly impress upon your family their responsibility to God. After all, there is nothing half so cultivating as to gather your family daily around the altar and give thanks to a kind Father who has given you all the blessings you enjoy. The Spirit of Jesus Christ will save your home and your children when nothing else will. How many young men have been made strong in the hour of temptation by the remembrance of a mother's prayers !

Do not be content to be religious yourself. Bring your children up "in the nurture and admonition of the IvOrd." Show them by your example that religion is something real — that it is a constant source of joy and solace. Be religious in your family