The illustrated book of manners: a manual of good behavior and polite accomplishments

Introduction

Publishers op the "Illustrated Book of Manners " have much satisfaction in offering the following pages to the public inspection.

They ask more than a cursory glance at head lines and engravings; for it is a work of a higher use and greater importance than any one would be likely to suspect, from a slight and superficial examination.

It treats of a subject of universal interest and utility. Every man, woman and child, ought to know how to dress, act, converse and respond to the varied demands of our social relations, in the best possible manner. Our whole life and society needs re-forming, educating, refining, and polishing, to bring out its highest use and beauty.

Life is made up of little things; little acts, little

courtesies, little enjoyments. He who has most of these,

gives most pleasure to others, and secures most happiness

to himself.

Do not say, these things are trifles, and of no import-

IV INTRODUCTION.

ance. It is worth every man's study and effort to be a gentleman; and every woman should try to be a lady, particularly in a country where public gallantry accords to every one that designation. The many things which combine to form the manners and guide the deportment of the lady and gentleman, greatly increase the sum of human happiness.

The author of this work has earnestly endeavored to make it a great public teacher, and reformer, in all the outward decencies, proprieties, graces, and accomplishments, which fit men and women for the enjoyment of social life; and as society is a natural want of humanity, and the source of all his most exquisite pleasures, surely it is right that he should carefully avoid every thing that will interfere with social happiness, and eagerly cultivate every talent and accomplishment, that will enhance its pleasures.

The illustrations have been selected from the works of various artists; and are intended to contrast grace and elegance, with awkwardness and deformity. In many cases, the advice of the text is enforced by a picture in ludicrous contrast; and the intention of the engravings can only be understood by the careful reader. It would have been easy to fill a book with beautiful designs, but these would not have taught the lessons of life, which it was our intention to impress vividly on the mind of the reader.

This book is intended to be read, and even carefully studied, in course, from the first chapter to the last. Some chapters may be more worthful than others, but each one contains its Life Lesson, and all combine in one harmonious whole, in their influence upon the character and actions. The author has endeavored, everywhere, " To make the useful pleasant, and the pleasant useful."

Contents

PASS

CHAPTER I. — Principles of Behavior. — Happiness the End of Being ; Rights of the Faculties ; Minor Morals ; Radiation of Happiness ; Science of Behavior ; Sin of Omission 9-15

CHAPTER II. — Good Manners Founded on Human Rights. — Rights of the Senses ; Rights of Organs ; Deportment ; Conformity of Manners ; The True Harmony 16-22

Chapter I

principles of behavior.

The Gentlb Reader, as each one is or will be, may have long sought for this work, or one of a like import.

It comes now to fill a wide and urgent demand ; for the young American, unlike the citizen of almost every other nation, has no barrier of caste or order, but is free to rise to the highest place of social distinction, requiring only the talents, culture, and accomplishments of such a sphere.

These talents are the gift of Nature ; but all the development of education, and improvement of culture, and embellishment of art, are within our own power. In this land of Freedom, of Ambition, and of energetic Self-hood, every aid is demanded which can contribute to the highest social achievement j and such aid is the right of every man or woman.

10 HAPPINESS THE END OF BEING,

The law, that demand should govern supply, applies to literature and art, as well as to corn and cotton ; yet great demands may exist unconsciously. You may have long had a demand for such a book as this, and yet not become aware of it, until, in some way, it was brought to your knowledge. So of many other things.

Consciously or unconsciously, every being has the aspiration for the highest development, and the greatest happiness it is capa,ble of. Every man has the desire to be a gentleman, every woman a lady ; which is, simply to be the best possible man or woman within their capabilities.

And this aspiration after the utmost perfection of being and doing, is felt to be a right, a duty, and a means of happiness. When the poet exclaims,

" Happiness ! our being's end and aim,"

he utters a truth which lies at the basis of all true philosophy, and all true morality.

Happiness — it is the one object of all sentient being : it is also the single object of this treatise. Happiness comes from the satisfaction of our wants, or attractions. It is found in the exercise of our capacities, and the attainment of our aspirations. Every faculty of every being finds pleasure in its proper use, and the highest happiness consists in the harmonious gratification of all passions, all attractions, all aspirations.

It is the right and the duty of every being to live its own true life, and its happiness is secured by the development and exercise of its highest and fullest capabilities. There can be, of course, no right to do a wrong ; no duty can include impossibilities. Life consists in being and doing. The doing cornea

RIGHTS OF THE FACULTIES. 11

from the constitution of the being ; and the being is perfected, in its true development, by all genuine doing.

The being of a horse is his symmetry, strength, beauty, fleetness, and all his capabilities. His doing is the exercise of these capabilities ; and his enjoyment and happiness consist in his being the best possible horse, and doing the highest duty of the most noble horse-hood. The being of a man is the assemblage of all his capabilities. His bones and muscles, his strength and activity, his grace and beauty, his senses and organs, his propensities, sentiments, and intellectual faculties, all swell the wealth of his being. Each faculty has its own life, its own rights, and its own capabilities of happiness ; and all combine to make up the harmony of the complete being, which we call a man ; and it is the full, equal, and harmonious satisfaction of all these faculties, which constitute the greatest happiness, and so fulfill the end of manhood. The sole use of life is the enjoyment of life. Low enjoyments come from the exercise of low faculties, separated from, or uncontrolled by higher. High enjoyments consist in the exercise of the noblest faculties, of honor, devotion, benevolence, and justice ; but the happiness of these, though pure and consoling, is not complete. Nothing can fully satisfy the aspirations of the human soul, but the complete and harmonious gratification of all its desires and capabilities of enjoyment.

Therefore — and this is an important therefore— therefore, small things are of great consequence. A leaf is a little thing, but leaves make up the foliage of a tree, and each leaf has its own vital function. A man is not willing to spare his little finger. The little graces, accomplishments, and suavities of life,

12 INFLUENCE OF THE MINOR MORALS.

are like the leaves of the tree ; like the petals of its flowers, like the thousands of minute but charming things in nature which make up the sum of her attractions.

Or, to be less poetical, perhaps, and more practical, the happiness of life in the aggregate — of the lives of the millions of men, women and children around us, is far more influenced by manners and behavior ; by the minor morals, or a regard to small rights and decorums ; by kindness, politeness, and the elegancies of what some may think trifling accomplishments, than by any noble or heroic actions of benevolence, or self-sacrifice, or magnanimity Such acts fall within the opportunities of few, and cannot occur often ; but the others may enter into our daily and hourly lives, and diffuse their influence over our whole existence.

The consciousness of possessing a cultivated taste, gentle breeding, refined manners, and an agreeable exterior, is no trifle in the sum of happiness ; and the exercise of these qualities in social intercourse, giving happiness to others, causes that happiness to be reflected upon ourselves. So this joy of being and action is radiated and reflected every where ; and its circling blessings, like the light of the stars, spread through the universe.

Is it not so ? Is it not a happiness, Madam, to feel yourself charming ; beautiful in form and feature, if so blessed ; beautiful in carriage and manner, as you may be ; beautiful in the neatness and elegance of your dress ; beautiful in the kindness a nd politeness that shines forth in every expression ? You are happy in all this ; you see others happy in admiring you. You feel that you add to the sum of human happiness. You are a living joy — a bless-

RADIATION OF HAPPINESS. 13

ing in yourself, a blessing to all who see you. Men pause in their busiest walks to look at you, and feel better for the looking. Each visit you make diffuses a new joy. The day is full of delights. You give a new charm to many lives — thus happiness is radiated upon other spirits, and so on, outward and onward, until your beauty has charmed the world, and your smile, like the beams of those far off stars, will shine upon posterity.

And everything which contributes to the harmony of life in any being ; every line of beauty, or motion of grace, or assemblage of pleasant colors, or concord of sweet sounds — every look, or word, or action, which gives pleasure, and promotes happiness, becomes a high moral duty.

This is no question of fancy, of caprice, of arbitrary custom, or fashion ; but it becomes one of rights and duties, important enough for pulpits, and grave enough for legislators.

11 Manners make the man," some proverbial philosopher informs us. The man makes the manners. Being comes before doing ; and a man's manners are the outward expression and manifestation of his interior life.

Always ? No. There is the power of assmning a virtue, if we have it not. A bad man may assume the exterior air and manners of goodness. The crafty may seem frank. The haughty may wear the guise of friendliness. Ferocity may seem gentle ; and these appearances and counterfeits may deceive those who have not the power of looking through shams.

So, some men are worse than they seem ; and this hypocrisy is detestable. Well, is it nothing that men, out of deference to goodness, desire to

14 SCIENCE OF BEHAVIOR. :

seem and be thought better than they are ? Be sure there are two sides to this question. Would you have men manifest all their badness without restraint? Is it not better that even the bad should feel the necessity of putting on a good appearance, as a recognition of the general sentiment in favor of goodness ?

Bat good manners are no more likely to be hypccritical than bad ones. We have seen persons, quite estimable in some respects, putting on the eccentricity of ugliness ; and acting with brusquerie and even brutality, to get credit for frankness and honesty. But, in these cases, people wish to turn some defect of temper into a merit.

But all these principles, and all that makes up the Science of Behavior, will appear hereafter, and need not be stated in the form of abstract propositions. There is no rule of life which is not ba»ed on science, and which may not be referred to some principle or law. Doubtless there may be observances of etiquette which seem purely arbitrary and capricious, but they are few, and of no consequence. Even these, if carefully examined, may be found to have, or to have had, some good reason. But every genuine and valuable rule of behavior may be referred to some principle of natural law ; so that the observance of what may seem at first glance a matter of trifling etiquette, may be a moral duty ; and a breach of decorum a crime.

A rudeness to any person is an offense, and is even recognized as such at law. The neglect of politeness, in certain cases, is a positive rudeness. The man who does not do what is becoming to a gentleman, commits a sin of omission, which may be a very grave one. He who does not prevent an

SIN OF OMISSION.

injury, when it is in his power, might almost as well inflict it. The man who neglects to save life, is not much better than a downright murderer. So, a neglect of politeness may be the severest insult that can be offered.

Every breach of good manners is some violation of right. Every neglect of politeness is a failure in duty. Men and women are members of society. They have all social wants, and social duties, growing out of their social relations. It is not enough that I let people alone, and injure no one. It is not enough to " cease to do evil f we must also " learn to do well." But this question of rights demands a separate chapter.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN

Chapter II. Good Manners Founded On Human Rights

is becoming every day more evident, that all real things on this planet are based on certain principles of right or justice, which are adapted to the true nature and proper condition of all men and women.

Arbitrary regulations, whether of manners or morals, are of little value, if they are not in accordance with these universal laws. For every possible requirement there must be some good reason. A law that is not founded in the natural principles of justice, is void from the beginning ; or becomes of no effect, or obsolete, as soon as the emergency has passed for which it was ordained.

RIGHTS OF THE SENSES. IT

" Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness," Mr. Jefferson, are very comprehensive terms ; but each includes the others ; and each includes all rights. The right to live includes the right to all the conditions necessary to the most perfect development of the being and capabilities. Liberty is the right of every one to seek his own happiness in his own chosen way, so long as he does not trespass upon the equal right of every other. The Pursuit of Happiness in every being, consists in its efforts to satisfy its natural desires.

Every faculty and every organ has its own special rights. The right not to be offended — the right to gratification and pleasure. Take the senses, for example. Taste has the right not to be compelled to eat unsavory food ; and the right to seek for gustatory enjoyments. The parent who compels a child to eat a piece of fat pork, or any other viand loathsome to its unperverted taste, violates the rights of this sense. It is violated wherever men are deprived of healthy food, and fruits of delightful flavors. The host who provides good food, and the cook who prepares it, exercise the politeness of taste, and satisfy the rights of appetite.

The smell has its rights, but they are everywhere violated. Whoever fills the air I must breathe with unpleasant odors, is guilty of a wrong. If the smell is merely unpleasant, it is an impoliteness ; if unwholesome, it is a crime ; and, as a general law, unpleasant odors are also unwholesome. Poor nose ! its rights are little recognized. Our streets are filled with nauseous odors ; and the personal uncleanliness of many persons is an outrage to this sense. But of this hereafter.

Sight has a right to beauty, symmetry, and ele- 2

18 RIGHTS OF THE SENSES.

gance of form ; harmony of colors ; grace of movement, and every pleasing quality. It has a right to fine scenery, noble architecture, elegant furniture and decorations, to exquisite works of art, and to all possible beauty of person, costume, and adornment. Its rights are denied by deprivation of these enjoyments, and it is outraged by every obtrusion of ugliness.

Hearing has the right to sweet and melodious sounds, and the grand harmonies of musical art : it is offended by noise, confusion, and all harsh, dissonant, and repulsive sounds.

If we suffer, it is probably for our own offences ; with what justice, then, can we inflict our evils upon others ? If you have a heartache, and any one has contracted to give you sympathy, it is your right, perhaps. You need not trouble the whole world. So if you have a toothache, let it be a private matter between yourself and your doctor or dentist

There is scarcely a greater fault of manners, or offence against the rigbts of others, than the unnecessary obtrusion of painful, repulsive, or disgusting ideas or things. "What can't be cured must be endured," it is said ; but it should be endured quietly, gracefully, and so as not to burthen others. He who conceals a pain, an affliction, or a misfortune, from politeness, which is but another name for kindness, or benevolence, is a true hero.

With vulgar people, the chief staple of conversation consists of the aches, sicknesses, and misfortunes of themselves and their neighbors; but such things ought never to be brought into a circle of refined society. We should no more pain or disgust others, than inflict bodily injuries.

RIGHTS OF ORGANS. 19

In the same way, every organ of the body, and every faculty of the mind, has its rights and its sources of happiness. To close the window of an omnibus or rail car, may be a violation of the politeness due to my lungs, as much as snatching the food from my hand would be a wrong to my stomach. Interrupting a story I wish to hear, is an impoliteness and violation of my rights ; it prevents the satisfaction of my faculty of eventuality — as a volley of abuse might be an outrage to my approbativeness.

Let these principles, so briefly stated, be borne in mind, and it will be seen that a Manners Book is truly a work of deep philosophy and profound science ; that etiquette is based on principles and laws ; that behavior may have its foundation in mathematics ; that grace of deportment is a noble art ; that from the slightest act of complaisance, to the highest moral duty, the same great principles should govern us.

It has been said that each individual has the right to secure his own happiness in his own way, so long as he does not interfere with the equal right of every other. This is true, but not the whole truth. -Each individual doss secure the greatest possible happiness to himself, when he promotes in the highest degree the happiness of all other beings. The good of one is the good of all.

It might be supposed that in the solitude of a hermit, the life of a Robinson Crusoe, in the isolation of utter loneliness, a man might be free to do any absurd or outrageous thing he might fancy. True, he may whistle, sing, laugh or shout, without annoying any one ; he may cut capers, make grimaces, roll upon the ground ; he may wear any

20 DEPORTMENT.

clothes or no clothes, since there are no eyes or ears to be offended bnt his own — 'perhaps.

This " perhaps " is put in for the benefit of all who believe in the existence cf unseen intelligences, who are near us, to guide and comfort us ; who, though usually unseen, and consciously unfelt, may yet be often and forever near us. If we admit this belief, we are never alone, but always in social relations that should influence our conduct. It is not to be supposed that spirits have much regard for the observances of conventional etiquette, but it may well be believed that one's guardian angel may be shocked by anything truly unseemly and disgusting.

And, leaving all the unseen intelligences out of the question, there is one who is with us always, by whom we wish to be respected — ourself. A man may be no hero to his valet de chambre, because the person who fills such a post may have no proper idea of true heroism, but every man would assuredly like to be a hero to himself, or at least to have his own respect and good opinion, which he could not do if he allowed himself to behave improperly in his own society.

It is for this reason, that when a man behaves very badly, he is thought to be beside himself, or rather aside from himself, and quite oblivious of his own personality, which is a phenomenon of intoxication, as of other insanity ; in which persons do the most unseemly and outrageous things, because they are unconscious of any recognition.

I believe, therefore, that in the heart of a desert, or on an uninhabited island, a true gentleman would preserve all his dignity, and all his propriety and purity of conduct. I am sure that a true lady, in

CONFORMITY OF MANNERS. 21

the privacy of her own apartment, is just as much a lady, as sweet, and delicate, and refined, and every way beautiful, as in the parlor where I met her for a morning chat, or in the drawing-room where she is the cynosure of the evening party. Because everywhere the free being acts out his true nature. His life is instinctive and genuine ; and his training has perfected his capabilities, so that habit is a second nature, which he does not violate. The true lady or gentleman is so under all circumstances ; others act a part, but they must do this, and if from attraction, the true is developed in them, and they become what they wish to be thought, and then aspire to be.

A man wishes to suit his action to the company he is in, or to get out of it as soon as possible. If with noisy people, he too must make a noise, or suffer, or leave. He must be gay with those who laugh ; sad with those who weep. A certain conformity of manners and life is necessary to politeness. One does not carry the style and dress of the Fifth avenue into a rustic country house. It would be very snobbish to do so. The dress and manner of a wedding are not suited to a funeral, When the king turned his tea into his saucer, contrary to his own custom and all etiquette, because two country ladies did so, whose hospitality he was enjoying, he was more than a king — he was a true gentleman.

This conformity depends upon the law of harmony. Music is the key of social science. If I sing with other persons, I must sing the same tune, in the same pitch, or I am a nuisance. My tune may be better than theirs ; I may pitch it to a better key ; but if I have come to them, 1 must con-

22 THE TRUE HARMONY.

form to their expression until I can bring them to mine, or I must leave them.

It is in this way that refinement may become a miserable affectation ; and a well bred man, in some social spheres, a nuisance in others. We knew a lady to give great offense by wearing her gloves at a ball. " She is so stuck up that she is afraid to touch our hands," they said. In such a case you have two things to choose between. Conform to your company in these trifles ; pour your tea into your saucer, take off your gloves, or go elsewhere. Do not mar even a low accord. Dress according to your work : behave according to your company ; but still have more regard for your own permanent respect, than a temporary popularity with some casual society.

The true harmony is that of a man's own nature. When all his own faculties are in accord, like the strings of a well-tuned harp, he is ready for everything that can contribute to his enjoyment. Such a man, true, self-loyal, tuned up to the concert pitch of his best life, is in harmony with universal nature, fitted to enjoy all melodies in every scale, and unmoved by the vulgar discords around him.

There is thus a higher standard of morals and manners than an observance of the tastes and wishes of those around us. There are rights relative ; but there is also a right absolute, or an equilibrium and harmony of rights, which is the true point of dignity and manliness. In the person it is symmetry — in the carriage, ease — in relations, harmony — in results, happiness.

Chapter III. Care Of The Person

aithful to our duty we could not be, if we were to neglect the most minute particulars of that attention to the person which is the first necessity of good manners, and the most valuable of all accomplishments and excellences.

There can be no health, no comfort, no happiness in oneself ; nor is it possible to be agreeable, or even tolerable to others, without attending to the common decencies of life,

No one wishes to inspire others with disgust. No one ought to be willing, from laziness, inattention, or moroseness, to produce an unpleasant impression on any of the senses of those about him, No . man can afford to cut himself off from human sympathy, the vital circulation of the social being, without which it withers and dies.

There are eccentricities

EXAGGERATED FINERY.

of habit and manner, peculiarities of costume and deportment, that are harmless and even picturesque, though not strictly beautiful. The " Gent," the " Snob," the dandy of exaggerated finery, or the dandy of an equally affected and exaggerated coarseness and ugliness, we may tolerate ; but a positive disregard to personal decency, ranks a man below all ordinary savageism.

THE ACCOMPLISHMENT OF CLEANLINESS. 25

The care of the person is the beginning of good manners. Every one not only consults his own well being, his dignity, and enjoyment, by his care of himself, but he also fulfils a social duty. Every one should do the best he can for himself, for his own sake, and to avoid giving pain to, or to promote the happiness of, others.

We enter here upon delicate ground ; but the reader will see its necessity, and excuse our plainness of speech. We must run the risk of exciting a feeling of disgust in some readers, that we may give to others the instruction they need.

The first moral and physical duty of every human being is to be clean. Cleanliness, the apostle says, is akin to godliness. We would not give much for the godliness of any man or woman who was not cleanly. Filth is a violation of the rights of several of the senses. We see it ; we feel it ; sometimes we may be cheated into tasting it ; and we smell it terribly. In all ways, and under all conditions, it is vile and bad, ill-mannered and immoral.

First of all, then, and above all, and as the prime condition of all excellence of charaeter and beauty of life, oh, be thoroughly and perfectly clean ! The human organism is so constituted that no person can be absolutely clean without washing the whole surface of the body every day. Millions of pores are constantly exuding waste matter from the body. This matter, if allowed to remain, is filth ; in any considerable quantity it is poison. Retained in the system, it is matter of disease, and is the efficient cause of typhus, and similar diseases.

It is not enough to change the under garments often. Much is carried away, but much also adheres. In certain parts of the body, as under the

26 A HINT TO THE LADIES.

arms and on the feet, it collects rapidly, and in a few hours has an offensive odor.

Cleanly persons have acute senses. I know ladies who can tell whether a person bathes daily the moment he comes into the room. Many an expensively dressed man scents a parlor, as soon as he enters it, with the disgusting odor of his unwashed feet, and gathered perspiration. We smell it everywhere — at theatres and balls, in steamboat cabins and omnibuses ; everywhere we meet this mortifying and disgusting fact of personal uncleanliness.

It is mixed with tobacco, it is mingled with perfumes ; but these do not help it. The execrable filth is there, poisoning the atmosphere. The wise Swedenborg tells us that the wicked love the scent of their own hells. People, whose senses are blunted by custom, are unconscious of their personal conditions, but they are always liable to meet those to whom their lack of the first decency of life is a violent breach of good manners. ; Ladies, it is a pity that one should be obliged to write and print so impolite a thing, but it is true that you are not always careful enough of the purity of your clothing. You may be nice in your persons ; for the honor of all womanhood I hope so, but I have met women of beauty, and accomplishment, who dressed with great elegance : but when they came near a fire in a cold day, there rose from them odors that were not wafted from " Araby the blest." Q