Monsieur, Madame and the baby : A series of confessions

Front matter

^ V> i

- c\ o ✓ ry ^

_N* i M ^

PART FIRST.-THE BACHELOR. Chapter Page

I. MY FIRST MIDNIGHT SUPPER 27

II. THE SOUL IN PAIN 33

in. MADAME DE K 46

IV. SOUVENIRS OF LENT — THE SERMON 53

V. SOUVENIRS OF LENT — THE PENITENT 59

VI. SOUVENIRS OF LENT— A FIRESIDE CHAT... 65 >

vn. SOUVENIRS OF LENT — A DREAM 72

vni. the ambassador’s ball 87

IX. PRIVATE THEATRICALS-MY AUNT AS VENUS 96

Part Second-housekeeping

I. FATHER Z ’S INTRODUCTORY DISCOURSE 107

n. AT THE TOWN HALL — AT CHURCH —

MADAME’s IMPRESSIONS 114

ni. MY WEDDING NIGHT 124

26 CONTENTS.

Chapter Page

IY. THE BLUE DIARY — MADAME’s IMPRESSIONS

AGAIN 13B

Y. THE BLUE DIARY AGAIN 143

VI. MY WIFE GOES TO THE BALL 150

VII. A FALSE ALARM 162

VIII. I SUP WITH MY WIFE 182

IX. FROM ONE THING TO ANOTHER 190

X. A BIT OF CONVERSATION 196

XI. THE FOOT WARMER 204

Part Third.— The Family

I. THE BABY 210

n. new year’s day in the family 219

m. the wife’s letters J . 230

IV. OLD RECOLLECTIONS. THE BABIES 239

V. THE LITTLE BOOTS 246

VI. BABIES AND PAPAS 255

VII. FIRST BREECHES 265

VIII. COUNTRY BABIES. DUCKLINGS AND LITTLE

CHICKENS 2T2

IX. AUTUMN. CABBAGE SOUP AND HEAVY RAINS. 280

X. HE WOULD HAVE BEEN FORTY YEARS OLD. 286

XI. CONVALESCENCE 291

XII. THE FAMILY 295

MONSIEUR,

MADAME AND THE

BABY.

Chapter I. My First Midnight Supper

G REAT HEAVENS ! I have forgotten her name ! And yet I loved her well, the adorable creature ! How strange it is that one feels so rich on rummaging in one’s old secretary; how many forgotten sighs, how many pretty little bits of trinkets out of fashion and covered with dust are there ! But no matter.

I was eighteen years old then, and, upon my honor, had a heart fresh and somewhat sentimental. It was in the ear of this dear — I’ve her name on the very end of my tongue : it ends with an i-n-e — ’twas, however, in her ear, the dear girl ! that I murmured my first words of love, and upon her rosy lips beside a pretty dimple, that I pressed my first kiss. I adored her and she ^reciprocated my affection. I really believe I should have married her, and with pleasure, too, I assure you, if, at certain moments, her past had not inspired me with doubts and her present with inquietude. No one is perfect — and I was somewhat jealous.

One evening, ’twas Christmas-eve, I called upon her with the intention of escorting her to a supper given by a friend of mine whom I esteemed highly, and who died long since, I know not where, while an examining magistrate.

I ascended my dear one’s staircase, and was surprised to find her ready to accompany me. She wore, I recollect it still, a squarely and somewhat deeply cut bodice that became her well. She took my arm, singing an air of which she was very fond, and we soon found ourselves in the street.

Have you ever experienced the joy of a youth just budding into manhood when his sweetheart leans upon his arm ? His very temerity frightens him, and he trembles at the thought of a paternal correction on the morrow; but all these fears are dissipated by the ineffable pleasure of the moment. He is free, is a man, loves, is loved, and feels that he has already placed one foot forward in the race of life. He wishes that all Paris could see him, and yet trembles at the mere thought of being recognized ; he would give his little finger to have three hairs upon his upper lip and

*

one wrinkle on his brow — he would give more if a cigar would not sicken him, — if a glass of punch would not make him sneeze !

When we arrived at my friend’s, there had already gathered together a numerous assembly ; peals of laughter, intermingled with exclamations and the ringing of dishes, the covers of which were being removed, greeted us as we stood in the ante-chamber. I was somewhat moved ; I felt that I was the most youthful of the entire company, and feared to enter into the saturnalia. “Courage, my boy!” said I to myself; “be like the rest. Your sweetheart is here and her eyes are upon you ! ” The idea that I might be sick on the morrow tormented me not a little. I imagined my poor mother bringing me a cup of tea, and weeping over my indiscretions ; but I banished all these miserable spectres of tb§ consequences, and everything went well until supper. Some one slightly teased my sweetheart and one or two persons even admired her under my very nose, but I entered all these details in the account of profit and loss and was, in all sincerity, ridiculously proud and supremely happy.

“ My children,” suddenly cried *the host ; “ the moment has arrived for a violent assault upon the delicacies ! Let us pass into the dining-room.”

These words were received with cries of joy, and the entire company gathered in wild disorder around a large table, at either end of which I perceived a plate filled with those immense cigars of which it was impossible for me to smoke one quarter of the smallest one, without feeling large drops of cold sweat standing upon my forehead.

“ This will certainly bring about a catastrophe ! But prudence, my boy; only feign to smoke!” said I to myself.

I never could understand how my sweetheart was placed at the left of our host. This did not suit me at all ; but what was to be done ? And then our host was twenty-five years old, and his fine figure together with his moustache rendered him a perfect ideal — a most bewitching demon : I felt a certain respect for him.

“Well,” said he, with enviable composure, “well, you’re all ready, I suppose? You all know that whoever feel ill at ease may remove their coats ! ” Then, laughing, and with lightning rapidity, he deposited kisses to the right and left upon the lips of his two fair neighbors, one of whom was my sweetheart! I felt my hair stand on end, and I burned like a glowing coal ; but then, this feat of our host was greeted with approving bursts of merriment, and from this moment the supper progressed with charming animation.

“ My little children,” — this was the usual expression of this diabolical examining magistrate, — “let us attack the cold meats, the sausages, the salad and the turkey! Let us attack the buns, the cheese, the oysters and the grapes ! Let us attack the entire range of victims! Slaves, draw the corks! Let us eat all at once, — no order, no symmetry ! Be oriental, absurd and adorable ! They never sup otherwise in the heart of Africa! We must mingle poetry with our pleasures : pass me the cheese with the turkey ! Ah ! ah ! ah ! I am rather strange and incomprehensible ; is it not so ? ”

And he impressed two more kisses upon the lips of his fair neighbors.

If I had not been already intoxicated, upon my honor, I should have caused a scene. But I was giddy and morose. The others laughed, shouted and sang, while the dishes jingled. A noisy popping of corks and smashing of glasses filled my ears; but it appeared to me that a cloud had settled between myself and the outer world, and, in spite of the evidence of the reality, I believed myself deceived by a dream. I could distinguish, although only in a confused manner, the animated glances exchanged by the guests and the increasing redness of their faces. My sweetheart seemed changed. Suddenly — ’twas like a flash — my well-beloved, my angel, my dream — she whom I would have married in the morning — leaned towards the examining magistrate, and (I still shudder at the thought of it) devoured three truffles which were upon his plate. My heart was full ; it seemed as if it would burst — and then —

But here my memory fails me. What happened afterwards? I never knew. I was unconscious. I remember, however, that I was taken home in a hack. I insisted upon knowing where she was, pitifully inquiring : “ Where is she ? Oh ! where is she ? ” The}' told me that she had taken her departure two hours before.

The next morning, the mere recollection of the truffles on the plate of the examining magistrate nearly drove me mad. I entertained, for the moment, the idea of entering a monastery — -but time — well, you know how time calms the tempests of the heart !

But, great heavens! what is her name, the dear girl? It ends with an i-n-e. No; I believe it ends with an a !

Chapter II. The Soul In Pain

10 Monsieur Claude de L

X At the Seminary of P — sur-C — (Haute-Saone).

’Tis a great joy for my soul, my dear Claude, to claim you as my own for a few moments of conversation. Need I say it? I cannot think of the life we led but yesterday, as feiiow-students at the College of the Jesuits, without a pious emotion. I think of our long chats under the grand old trees, of the pious pilgrimages which we made to the Calvary of the Father Superior, of our dear lectures, and of the yearning of our two souls towards the eternal source of all that is beautiful and great. I still see the little chapel that you erected, one day, in your desk, and the tiny candles we made for it and lighted once, in the middle of our geography lesson. Delicious souvenirs, how dear you are to my heart ! Charming details of a calm and pure life, what happiness your memory imparts. Time, in separating me from you, seems only to have rendered you all the more present to my mind. I have lived, alas! during these six months; but, by acquiring worldly knowledge, I have learned to love more dearly the holy ignorance of my past life. Always wiser than myself, you have remained in the

34 MONSIEUK, MADAME AND THE BABY.

ways of the Lord; friend, you have understood the divine mission reserved for you ; you have not desired to knock at the profane gate that guards the entrance to this world, to this cavern, I might say, where I am now tossed about like a frail ship in a mighty tempest. And yet, who will say that the anger of the wave is not mere child’s-play when compared to that of the passions? Happy, thrice happy friend, who knows not that which I have learned, whose eyes have not yet measured the abyss in which my gaze has been lost !

But what could I do? Was I not obliged, in spite of my vocation as well as in spite of the tender friendship which called me to your side, was I not, I repeat, obliged to obey the exigencies of my name and the wishes of my father who destined me to the military profession for the defence of a noble cause which you, also, defend? In short, I obeyed, and left the College of the Jesuits never to return again !

I entered the world, my heart filled with those wholesome fears to which our pious education had given birth. My first step was made in dread, and in an instant I recoiled in horror ! I am only nineteen years of age, but have already reflected deeply, which, coupled with the experience of my pious preceptors, has given my soul a precocious maturity which enables rne to judge of men and things ; moreover, my faith is so firmly grounded and has penetrated so deeply into my very being that I may open my eyes to that which is around me without danger. I do not fear for my own salvation, but am deeply distressed when I think of the future of our modern society; and I pray God with all the fervor of my soul, which He has ever guarded from evil, that He turn not his benevolent eye from our unhappy country.

Even here, at the residence of my cousin, the

Marquise de K de C , .where I now am, I

discover nothing but frivolity in the men and dangerous coquetry in the women. The pernicious breath of the age seems to penetrate even into these high regions of the French aristocracy. Now and then, science and morality are discussed, but even these discussions appear to be attacks upon our holy faith, and, indeed, involve matters on which our Holy Father, the Pope, alone should pass judgment. Thus: God permits, at this moment, that certain would-be savans, — you understand me — pretend to explain, by a new theory, the origin of beings; and, in spite of the excommunication which assuredly awaits them, they cast the gauntlet of ferocious and impious defiance to all our revered beliefs and traditions !

I have not desired to inquire into such turpitudes, but it is with a heavy heart that I see men of learning and illustrious names attach importance to this vileness.

As to the manners and customs of the society whose air I breathe, they are not, and really could not be, immoral; but they are, nevertheless, exceedingly frivolous and of a horribly shocking freedom. I will only o cite one example — that which has impressed me most deeply.

A short distance from the chateau is a charming little stream, shaded by grand old willows ; the current is somewhat rapid, but the water is as transparent as crystal, and the bed of the brook is covered with so fine a sand that one sinks into it as into a Turkish rug. Will you believe me, dear friend, when I assure you that, on warm days, all the inhabitants of the chateau, together and without distinction of sex, go there to bathe ! A simple bathing dress veils but imperfectly the strange and singularly daring modesty of the ladies. Pardon me, my pious friend, for entering into these details, and, perhaps, troubling the calmness of your soul by the picture of worldly scenes ; but I promised to impart to you all my impressions, as well as my most secret thoughts. ’Twas a sacred promise which I shall keep.

But I avow that these bathing scenes were revolting to me in the highest sense, even when I first heard them mentioned. I experienced a sort of disgust easily understood, and absolutely refused to take part in such proceedings. I was certainly teased about it, but these worldly railleries could neither affect the calm of my soul nor change the firmness of my determination.

Yesterday, however, about five o’clock in the afternoon, the Marquise sent for me, and spoke with such cleverness that I was forced to consent to serve as her cavalier.

We set out. The waiting-maid carried our bathing dresses, as well as that of my sister, who was to join us at the bath.

“ I know,” said my cousin, as she leaned somewhat too heavily upon my arm, “ that you swim remarkably well. The rumor of your exploits has reached us even here. Now, will you not teach me to float, Robert ? ”

“ My dear cousin,” I replied, “ I attach but little importance to these trifling physical advantages. I swim tolerably well — nothing more.”

And I turned aside in order to avoid an extremely penetrating perfume emanating from her beautiful hair. You know well that I am subject to nervous attacks.

“ But, my dear child, these physical advantages are not to be disdained, methinks ! ”

This “ dear child ” pleased me not at all. My cousin is twenty-six years of age, it is true ; but I am no longer a “ dear child,” and, moreover, this appellation denoted a familiarity which I had by no means desired. It was, on the part of the Marquise, a consequence of that frivolity of mind, of that freedom of language which I had already remarked, but nothing more. I was shocked. She continued:

“An exaggerated modesty finds no place in our society,” — and she turned towards me, laughingly. “You would make a charming cavalier, my little Robert; and that which is wanting in you could be very easily acquired. For example : let the Marquis’

valet dress your hair ; he would suit you admirably, and I know you would be satisfied with the result.”

Of course, you understand, my dear Claude, that I replied to these remarks with a coldness that could leave no doubt as to my intentions.

“I repeat, cousin,” said I, “that I attach but little importance to such things.”

I emphasized my words by a firm, icy glance. ’Twas then, for the first time — for I had not regarded my companion until then — that I perceived the profane elegance of her toilet, an elegance to which, unhappily, her perishable beauty serves as a pretext and an encouragement.

Her arms were bare, her wrists entirely concealed by a profusion of magnificent bracelets, and her shoulders but slightly veiled by a light covering of transparent lace. In a word, the desire to please was plainly visible in all the details of her toilet. I was deeply moved at the sight of so much frivolity, and I blushed in pity — almost in shame.

We at last arrived at the stream. My cousin sank into, I cannot say sat down upon, the grass, throwing back her long, wavy hair which hung from her chignon. The word chignon, in its worldly signification, means that prominence so characteristic of the back of a woman’s head. It is produced by a gathering and knotting together of the hair at the above-mentioned locality. I have inferred, from certain allusions, that some of these chignons are anything but natural.

There are women — too worthy daughters of Eve — who purchase the production of the human scalp, which misery or death puts on the market. It is heart-rending !

“ How terribly warm it is, my little cousin,” said she, fanning herself. “I am in constant agony, during such a temperature, lest M. de Beaurenard’s nose should explode and take fire I Ah 1 ah ! ah ! My word of honor ! ”

And she laughed freely at this pleasantry, which, to say the least, was sufficiently unseemly and without much point. M. de Beaurenard, who is a friend of the Marquis, possesses a face rather highly colored.

I executed a polite smile, which she, doubtlessly mistook for one of approbation, for she entered, then and there, into a conversation or, rather, into a nameless loquaciousness, commingling the oddest sentiments and the strangest religious ideas imaginable — the calm of the fields and the whirl and bustle of the world — and all this with a freedom of gesture, a charm of worldly expression, an animated look and a sort of terrestrial poetry by which any other than myself would have been subdued.

“ Confess, Robert, that this little nook is an adorable spot.”

‘5 Certainly, cousin.”

“ And then, these old willows that bow their hoary heads to the stream ! See how lovingly the flowers of the field embrace their withered trunks ! Are they not wonderful, this young, graceful and silvery verdure and these delicate, supple branches? How much youth, grace and freshness spring from these old trunks that seem blasted and cursed ! ”

“The good God would never curse a vegetable, cousin.”

“ That may be ; but I cannot help discovering something human in these old willows ! Their eternal old age has an air of punishment; they suffer and expiate, these old reprobates of the streams, these old Quasimodos of the fields I Do you blame me, my little cousin, if this is the impression they make upon me ? Who will assure me that the willow is not the last incarnation of the fisherman who died without confessing?”

And she laughed aloud.

“ These ideas are so pagan and so thoroughly contrary to our dogmas, that I am forced, in order to explain them, to suppose that you are but jesting ! ”

“Jesting, my little cousin? Not the least in the world ! But you are surely no longer in the very first stages of youth ! Go, prepare for the bath ; I shall enter the tent and do the same. Good-bye for a few moments, my little cousin ! ”

Raising the side of the tent, she entered, waving her hand to me with an air of extreme coquetry.

How strange a mystery is the heart of woman !

I sought a secluded spot, thinking of this conversation as I went, and in an instant I had donned my bathing costume. I thought of you, my pious friend, as I buttoned my jacket and cuffs. How many times have you assisted me to perform this operation, in the execution of which I was so awkward ! This finished, I sprang into the water, and was on the point of striking out, when the voice of the Marquise saluted my ears. She was in conversation with her waiting-maid in the tent. I stopped and listened, not from vile curiosity, but from a sincere desire to become better acquainted with this soul, naturally good, but led astray.

“ But no, Julie,” said the Marquise, “I do not wish to hear you speak any longer of your horrible waterproof bonnet. The water gets in and there is no such thing as getting it out! Simply plait my hair into a small braid and that will suffice.”

“ But Madame’s hair will get wet ! ”

“Well, you’ll powder it afterwards; nothing dries better than powder, and, as it happens, I intend to wear my blue silk this evening. You will use some blonde powder. My child, are you really losing your senses? I told you to alter my bathing clothes, but you have scarcely touched them.”

“ I was afraid it might prevent Madame’s swimming well.”

“ Swimming ! Can’t you see that the want of alteration prevents my swimming well? Can’t you see, my child — can’t you see?”

The canvas of the tent thereupon being agitated, I understood that my cousin was donning the bathing costume in question rather impatiently, in order that she might expose its faults more plainly to this other “ dear child.”

“ I don’t wish to have the air of being wrapped up in a blanket, it is true ; yet I do not wish, on the other hand, to be deprived of the free use of my limbs ! Will you never get it into your head, Julie, that this stuff does not give ? ”

Does it not require a weak mind, my pious friend, to dwell upon such things ? To me they seemed so vain that I suffered from being an involuntary assistant at the above-described scene, and I agitated the water rather forcibly to announce my presence and put an end to a conversation which so shocked me.

“ I’m coming, Robert ; only remain in the water. Has your sister arrived yet?” said my cousin, raising the pitch of her voice.

The canvas was raised and my cousin appeared. I cannot tell why, but I trembled as at the approach of danger, as the Marquise advanced towards me. She took several steps over the fine sand, removing the while the golden rings from her fair fingers, after which she gave them to Julie, and, with a movement which I still see but which it is impossible for me to describe, raised her foot and cast her tiny, red silk sandals into the grass.

She had only advanced two or three steps, but I already remarked a strangeness in her gait. She walked with seemingly timid steps ; her white arms, pressed closely to her form, appeared abandoned to the caprices of her costume, and trembled at her slightest movement.

I turned away my eyes— ’twas too much! I felt myself blush to the temples at the mere thought that a

Marquise de K de C ,that my own cousin, could

so far forget herself as to appear, in broad daylight, in such a bathing dress. There was nothing womanlike about her, save her plaited hair enveloped in a net. She seemed like a strange young man, slight and elegant — one of those beings who haunt the dreams and sleepless nights of fever, one of those beings towards whom an unknown power attracts us, and who too nearly resemble angels not to be demons.

“Well, Robert, what are you thinking of? Give me your hand and assist me into the water ! ”

And she cautiously dipped her delicate foot into the crystal stream.

“It always causes a shiver, at first, but the water must be delightful to-day ! ” said she. “ What is the matter with you? Your hand trembles! Poor child, you are chilled ! ”

The fact is that my trembling was caused neither by fear nor cold, but that, on approaching the Marquise, the penetrating perfume, exhaled from her hair, affected my head, and in my nervous state you will easily understand that I was on the point of swooning. But I mastered my uneasiness. My cousin grasped my hand frankly, firmly, just as one grasps the head of a cane or the rail of a stair case, and we ascended the stream. My role confused me I Ah! my dear Claude, to how much misery and fear would your pure soul have been exposed, could you but have seen me in the position in which I was placed ! Strong as I am, thanks to the firm foundation of my education, I, nevertheless, was afraid, and, with my whole heart, which is still pure, I prayed God to guard me from evil. But permit me to continue my narration.

As we ascended, the stream grew deeper ; the Marquise, from time to time, as the water mounted higher and higher, gave vent to little shrieks of fright, which resembled the hissing of a serpent, after which she laughed aloud and came nearer and nearer to me. Finally, she stood still, and, turning towards me, looked straight into my eyes. I felt the solemnity of the moment. I knew that the precipice was at my very feet; my heart throbbed as if it would burst, and my head burned as if on fire.

44 And now teach me to float, Robert. Straight out, the arms pressed closely against the body — that’s it, is it not? ”

44 Yes, cousin, and move the hands slightly to and fro.”

44 Now then, all right ! Ready ? — one, two, three ! — how childish I am! — I’m afraid! — But do support me just a little bit.”

’Twas at this moment that I should have said : %

44 No, cousin, no, Madame, I am not the man to support you ; I do not wish — ”

But I did not dare to say all this. My tongue clove to the roof of my mouth and refused to pronounce a single word ! I put out my arm towards her.

Alas ! ’twas a fault — perhaps, an irreparable one !

On seeing this fair woman extended upon the crystal water, pardon, oh ! pardon me, but I adored her ! I abridge : When I saw her thus, it seemed to me that all my blood rushed back to my heart ; a mortal thrill ran through my whole being — a thrill of indignation and shame, doubtless ! My eyes were dimmed ; it seemed to me that my soul was leaving my body, and I fainted, clutching her and dragging her with me to the bottom of the stream !

I heard a terrific shriek; I felt her arms tighten about my neck, her clenched fingers enter into my flesh and all was over. I had lost consciousness !

When I revived, I was lying upon the grass; Julie was rubbing my hands and the Marquise, in her bathing clothes, from which the water streamed in torrents, was holding a bottle of salts to my nostrils. Her glance was severe, although not entirely devoid of a shadow of suppressed satisfaction.

“ Child ! ” she exclaimed. “ Big baby ! ”

You know the facts now, my pious friend. Oh ! be charitable ! Give me counsel, and bless heaven that your life is passed far from the scenes of these worldly tempests ! With heart and soul,

Your sincere friend,

Robert de K de C .

Chapter III. Madame De K

I T is quite possible that you know Madame de

K ; if so, I congratulate you, for she is a most

remarkable person. Her face is pretty, but no one ever says of her : “ Heavens ! the pretty woman ! ”

— one invariably exclaims: “Madame de K ?

Great Jove, the fine woman ! ”

Do you note the difference ? — it is ef?sily comprehended ! Her great charm is rather that which one divines than that which one sees. Ah ! Great Jove, the fine woman ! ”

This is the exclamation always heard after the

repast, when one has dined at Madame de K ’s,

and when her husband, who is, unfortunately, in feeble health and does not smoke, has gone to search for cigars for his friends in his private apartment. But even in this whispered exclamation, it is easily seen that each of the guests entertains a profound conviction of the truth of the same.