Four centuries after; or, How I discovered Europe

Preface

Alas ! Bacon is dead, and is thus unfitted to defend himself against his constantly accumulating fame. A feeling of justice toward a man thus handicapped led me to adopt a style in this volume unlike that which we find in his (Bacon's) classical writings, put forth over the pseudonym of " Billy Shakespeare," and his other justly famous works, entitled ** Robinson Crusoe," "Pilgrim's Progress," " The Holy War," etc. Notwithstanding the care I have exercised in ferreting out a unique style, I still feel apprehensive that some retrospective critic may sit down, on perusing this book, and write a much thicker one in which he will set forth proof that this is but another piece of Bacon's handiwork. The man who would make such an attempt— who would attribute this work to Bacon — would deserve to meet the fate with which Shakespeare threatened the person who should have the temerity to molest his bones ; and I would respectfully and modestly, yet energetically, meet such an attempt to place this last straw on the back of Bacon's fame with a positive denial in the morning papers, though by so doing I should be accused of attempting to boom the sale vi Preface

of my book. No other motive than that springing from a desire to shield Bacon's fame could have induced me to adopt such an outrageously unique style — in mixing pathetic attempts at pathos with humor more than a yard wide ; stubborn facts with fanciful metaphysics ; and somewhat incoherent dreams with serious observations on the apparent irregularity of the sun's movements. No other motive could have induced me to abandon a classical style — a style that would have caused Bacon to decline several points in the market quotations. This is my plea !

At first I thought of announcing : " I am a genius ! I have disguised the fact as long as I can ; I now plead guilty, and trust to the clemency of the generous and forbearing world ! " But I am not quite sure of my identity — my knowledge of zoology being meagre, I am not positive that I could identify a genius ; so I will defer such a bold announcement.

Now that I have the floor, and the public's ear (which ear, by the way, I agree not to convert into a purse), I will further anticipate.

Some purchasers of this book will complain that it is too thin for the money. To those I would say : I have taken great pains not to build my book too big for the idea it contains ; and I trust that the reader will appreciate the resulting nice proportions. It will be easily understood that an idea contained indefinitely somewhere in a book twice the thickness of this volume would not be easily accessible ; and in searching for it (the

Preface vii

idea) the reader might become discouraged, lay the book aside, and thus fail to reap the benefit of its teachings. I have a large stock of words, idle words, which I could have inserted, and thus have made my book as thick and formidable as those of my contemporaries ; but, for reasons offered above, I have excluded all desiccated leaves, confining my " say " within the narrow limits of these boards.

As to the charge of writing a work on " Travel," although the true nature of the book is somewhat disguised by its title, I suppose I should plead guilty to the charge — at least, my attorney advises me to do so, adding that, if conviction follows, I will not be sent up for so long a time. He is doubtless trying to frighten me. I tell him that a crime so universal as that of writing a book on travel can have no penalty attached, as, if an attempt were made to convict all guilty of the offence, there would be no one left to execute the penalty : that you might as well attach a penalty to the act of breathing.

I wish to say that I have thoroughly edited this book. So much hastily constructed work has been hurled upon the market of late, publishers have resorted to the device of announcing that, " This book has passed through ' steen editions '! " — implying that, " Now its diction and style are somewhat sobered down — its wild and wayward expressions have been ' cosseted ' to a degree suiting the approved style, or formula, of its publishers. Careful public! you are safe to be seen reading this book at your fireside, or in public.

viii Preface

Buy a copy ! " I believe in being the author of my book (not leaving it to my publishers), so that, should the offence entail immortality, I will have myself to blame. This is generous, as it relieves my publishers of a great responsibility.

Trusting that this book may beckon the reader upward to a higher plane of intellectual life, or, exercising its force from the opposite direction, serve as a goad to drive him upward, I — the " Author," the " Offender " — subscribe myself, Faithfully yours,

BEN HOLT.

OR

How I Discovered Europe PART I

THE SPIRIT OF Discov- The approEch of our great ^^^' National event, the four hun-

dredth anniversary of the so-called discovery of America, has called to mind the prospect of our running out of material wherewith we may satisfy the spirit of discovery. This spirit of discovery is inborn. It is exercised early in life in locating the neighboring fruit orchard. Later in life, we start out to discover to the expectant world the frailties of our neighbors, although we may pretend we are in search of virtue or a westerly passage to the spicy fragrance of the Cathayan shore. According to the lexicogra-

WE ARE RUNNING ° _ °

OUT OF ORIGINAL Dis- phcrs' dcfinitionof "discovery," covERY MATERIAL, ^j^g uudlsco vcred, the unknown parts of this earth's surface, would seem to be narrowed down to a very insignificant area. And do we not know enough of the undiscovered patches to be led to believe that a further knowledge of them would add very little to the comforts of man, although it might give a name and a touch of color here and there on our atlas ?

Yes : it would seem that we are

HOW ARE WE TO SAT-

isFY THE SPIRIT OF thc samc as out of original discov- DiscovERY? gj.y material, although the spirit

of discovery is still abroad, seeking whom it may mesmerize. Here is a want ; and, assuming that every rational want should be provided with the wholesome means of its gratification, how are we to satisfy this spirit of discovery ? This is a burning question — I might characterize it as a scorcher. Nights, while restlessly turning on my pillow, I have frugally utilized the performance in turning this question over in my mind ; I believe I have studied its every aspect, and am well prepared to offer a rational reply to this perplexing question.

THE GAME CALLED Havc not thc attcmpts in the

"hide-and-go-seek." line of discovery during the last century been very like the game called " hide-and-go-seek " ? An expedition, made up of men of large imagination, starts out for the North Pole, or '* Darkest Africa ; " at the expiration of a certain length of time they cry " Coop ! " — or their friends at home imagine they hear such a call ; then another expedition is made up to go in quest of those in hiding — " to go to their relief." A thorough search discloses expedition No. i ; if in the Arctic regions, they should be detected in the act of eating their moccasins, possibly devouring one another; if in the wilds of "Darkest Africa," they are apparently well satisfied to remain "lost." This method of satisfying the spirit of discovery, and forcing our name on the attention of the excitable world, like bridge-jumping, is too hazardous — I can't approve of it. Up to date, the means whereby we may leave this sphere and go soaring to a fellow-planet on a voyage of discovery hasn't been devised (save through such airy flights of the imagination as Jules Verne indulges in), so we will have to reconcile our operations to this earth.

"But where are we to operate?" cry the impatient ones, who seek fame rather than the unknown plots of earth.

After carefully weighing the

WE WILL HAVE TO ^ O &

ALTERNATE IN Discov- mattcr, I am forced to this con- ERiNG EACH OTHER, ^lusion— wc will havc to alternate in discovering each other. Much good will come from our discovering each other occasionally, and forcing our notion of what constitutes civilization. Such a course will excite healthy emulation, without which stimulant the natives of their respective countries would degenerate — dwindle, as Darwin would put it— into a very low order of beings.

I have often wondered why

WHY NOT GO TO EU- -'

ROPE TO MAKE SOME somc cntcrprising American has DISCOVERY? j^Q^ gQ^g ^Q Europe to make

some discovery — not discover all of Europe, and reduce her numerous tribes to the present condition of the aborigines of America ; it may be that

THE SO-CALLED DIS- COVERY OF AMERICA,

Europe deserves such treatment, but no sensible American would care for so vast an undertaking : you can't exterminate a race, according to the approved formula, within a few years — and I observe that while this generation may feel kindly disposed toward posterity, it takes good care that its own wants are not slighted to better the conditions of a future generation. THE RIGHT OF Dis- You may say that we Ameri-

covERY. cans have no right to discover

Europe, or any part of Europe. / hold that the right of discovery belongs to that people having the greatest amount of conceit.

Take, for example, the so-called discovery of America : geologists have it that America was projected from out the chaotic condition of things existing at the close of the last great frigerating period, before it was even determined whether there should be a Europe or not ; yet, in after years, the inhabitants of Europe, with their conceited notion of civilization, started out to discover us. America was here, and so were her people, who were quite satisfied with their undiscovered and so-called uncivilized condition. But they came to our shore, and, placing their standard in our yielding soil, they thus addressed the people, who hesitatingly came to meet them : " Eureka ! You are discovered, so don't try to conceal yourselves " — (a quite unnecessary warning, as they had on scarcely a stitch of clothing). "Listen! The Almighty has seen fit to allow generation after generation of your people to come and go — to be born, to live a simple, free-and-easy Arcadian life, unperplexed by the problems of the day, and then, blissfully ignorant of the t?'ue future state of man's existence, die and drop back into the soil whence you came. Although you have been permitted to thus come and go for countless ages, 2ve, the representatives of an advanced civilization, have come to bring about a change ; you must accept civilization, or take a back seat ! "

In passing, we may note that many promptly accepted the vices of civilization, remarking that, in some respects, they were far superior to those with which they had been groping about ; that the white man's vices showed a great deal of ingenuity and were much more effective in their action — in fact, seemed to be the very alkaloid of the red man's vices. When invited to adopt the white man's virtues, they behaved in a very stolid manner ; and when urged for a reason, they replied that they understood their own virtues better than those the white man would introduce ; and while the white man's virtues might answer for a people enjoying a high state of civilization, their application (if such a thing were possible) would make the red man appear very awkward.

This bit of history is interesting in so far as it goes to show that a people who seemed sadly in need of the polishing and physically degenerating results of civilization really demurred when the Europeans sought to apply the regular course of treatment.

A PEOPLE SHOULD NOT No ; WB should DOt Walt for the INVITE DISCOVERY. pcoplc who wc bcHeve deserve to be discovered and treated to our style of civilization to give us the word ; you can't expect them to invite discovery ; such a course would be contrary to the established code of ethics as applied to " how, when, and where," to discover. Furthermore, it would be undignified and unnecessarily humiliating for a people to invite discovery. It would imply that such a people lacked confidence in themselves — and we should encourage confidence and self-esteem even in a Hottentot. BECOME PROTEc- ^65, thc fflost tclling compli-

TORATE OVER IT— mcnt wc Can pay the Powers of "PROTECTORATE." Europc— onc that would be like holding a mirror up to them — would be for us to go over there, stake out an indefinite slice of the country, and become Protectorate over it — "Protectorate." Should they remonstrate (as, of course, they would), we could put in a plea that we were acting in the interest of humanity ; that we wished to prevent the internal strife which the warlike attitude of the tribes of Europe constantly encourages. Such a move might induce said Powers to allow a portion of their standing armies to sit down and rest its feet, or turn to the plough. We can't accept the Malthusian hypothesis as a plea for war and famine ; to claim that He would bring more human beings into the world than He could provide for, is a libel on the Almighty's attributes. And has not the day come when all fighting between the Powers can easily be done through our Departments of State ? If so, the Pen is truly mightier than the Sword — as Beadle's Dime Speaker informed us long ago. (But- as I look back upon this sheet I see that I am digressing with my mighty pen — I often do this ; I find it easier than to keep pegging away right to the point.) I SAW THAT I WAS Thus I reasoned, until my mind

DESTINED TO ACT AS became fired with the idea that

THE PIONEER IN THE

NEW SCHOOL OF Dis- the time was ripe for some AmericovERY. can to retaliate — to invade Eu-

rope. "And who," I asked, " is better able to carry out this noble project than the mind that conceived it ? " I plainly saw that the finger of Destiny was pointed at me as the chosen one to act as the pioneer in the new school of discovery ; and it thus came about that I resolved to surrender a private life, all the comforts of a home, and a room with a southern exposure, to become an Explorer. And with me, a resolution once fixed, I adhere to it with the tenacity of two surfaces that have been united by Spaulding's glue. In taking this step I realized that I was exposing my name to fame and making it a shining mark for all subjects of charity and cranks in general ; but I accepted all without flinching.

II What Part Of

Having decided to invade Eu- EUKOPE SHOULD I ropB, my next care was to deter-

" TACKLE "FIRST? ^j^^ ^j^^j. ^^^^ ^^ ^^^ ContlnCUt

to tackle first. Great explorers have always shown a partiality for rivers — have seemed to take pleasure in tracing a river to its source. I got out my atlas and looked up the rivers of Europe ; I found that, everything considered, the River Rhine offered as promising a field of discovery as any ; and, although the source of my information told where the river had its rise, it did not inform me that any one had discovered the source. It is easier to fall into the habit of saying that a river has its rise in some definite place than to go and personally investigate the matter. How was I to know that this noble river, with all its wealth of romance, hadn't its rise in the vicinity of some redolent Schweitzerkase manufactory ? The thougth was horrifying ! I would investigate the matter at once !

RHINE GOLD AND PRE- Hi sclectiug thc Rhluc country cious RHINE STONES, ^g ^j^g thcatrc of my first expedition, I chose that part of Europe reported to have the greatest natural attractions for the discoverer. Gold and precious stones have always been among the greatest incentives to the spirit of discovery. I had long heard of the Rhine gold and the precious Rhine stones, and I reasoned that if I could quietly reach the field and stake out my claim I should then have no difficulty in enlisting all Americans in my enterprise — all but the few not afflicted with avarice, and I could get them to go over and confuse the natives with our super-mixed creeds, and introduce our " four hundred " style of civilization — and our representative style of ultra-civilization might prove quite as acceptable to the Europeans of to-day as theirs of four centuries earlier was to the American aborigines, and our civiUzation might make them feel and act quite as awkward and restrained as this dilatory turn-about calls for.

Ill

WHERE WAS I TO

WHICH TO FIT OUT THE EXPEDITION ?

Having decided to attempt the GET THE FUNDS WITH proposcd dlscovcry, the next query that arose was, " Where am I to get the necessary funds with which to fit out the Expedition ?" I disliked to ask my friends for assistance, for fear I might lose them as friends. Neither did I wish to ask the assistance of some geographical society ; I preferred to go independently of such a society, so that when I had completed my work I could organize a society of my own, become its president, and confer all the honorary degrees on myself that are at the disposal of such a society. This, you see, was in line with the spirit of independent enterprise of the day. Blow your own trumpet, and, if the world laughs, blow a little louder and drown its voice with your noise.

Another reason for not wishing to ask outside aid was that I, like Columbus, felt that I was a little ahead of my age in thought ; I anticipated the delay that my vivid, penetrating mind might suffer should I await the tardy cooperation of my dull and doubtful friends.

"SHOULD 1 WRITE A *'Should Iraisc the necessary NOVEL? " means by writing a novel ? " The

idea of raising money by writing a novel isn't exactly a novel one. I had just read of the phenomenal success of a novelist of our day, and it very much inflated me with the idea that novelwriting is a very handy recourse in an emergency. As I haven't found a better example of the possibilities of the day, in at least one line of endeavor, than this bit of venture illustrates, I will insert it right here, and if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes, you may return this volume to its publishers and they will cheerfully refund your money. ONE OF THOSE " sue- This particular successful aucEssFUL AUTHORS." t^oj. jj^t a fcw brlcf ycars since was a third-rate editor on a sheet published in a city not far from New York, in which capacity, by faithfully laboring eleven months and several weeks of the year, he earned a precarious living and a brief vacation — at his own expense. A WANT BEGETS AN Hc wcut to spcud hls well-

"iDEA." earned vacation on a body of

water not far from home — very prudently, not far from home. One day while lying — I mean reclining (as, for the time, he had given up all editorial work) — in a shady nook overlooking the lake (the body of water was a lake), gazing away over the expanse of water and yearning to take a sail beyond his horizon and his means, a steam yacht glided gayly by. Her rakish appearance and polished nickel captivated his fancy, and it occurred to him that he would like to own a steam yacht;

but his reason told him that he couldn't purchase a "sharpy," much less a steam yacht. But this want persisted ; it grew, it expanded : in fact, it so worked on his mind that he had an idea ! He would write a novel that should just pay for the coveted steam yacht.

BE still! "there's Agreeably to his inspiration, he A HEN on!" bought a quantity of foolscap

paper, pens, and ink, and set about, with a fullarm movement, to write a novel, as per happy thought ; and the manuscript began to flutter to the floor of his den like the leaves of autumn ; and in an incredibly brief time the manuscript for his novel was worked off ; and he took it to a certain publishing house with a large heart and a penetrating mind, and sold his novel for a sum of money which just paid for the subject of his inspiration — the steam yacht.

That was simple, wasn't it ? Yes ; but here we are left in maddening doubt as to how our novelist was to run his " white elephant ; " how he was to pay for his pilot, his engineer, for coal, a lubricant, a few cases of "Extra Dry," a cork-screw, etc.

AS HELPLESS AS A Whcu I rcalizcd his short-

STRANDED JELLY-FISH, sightcdncss I couMu't keep the tears back. Why didn't he make his novel a little thicker ? Why did he stint himself to write a novel that just paid for the steam yacht ? Or, why didn't he ask more for the fruit of his brain ? Alas ! I fear his is but another example showing the want of business tact in the genius. He can plan and execute immortal yarns, but when he comes to face his publishers he is as frail and gullible as a recently born child. No one realizes this sorry truth better than I do. I doubt if I could sell my novel for more than enough to meet the expense of a brief little excursion in a steam yacht — a cruise that would be literally " extra dry." In fact, I doubt if I would have thought to ask more than ten per cent, royalty, to be paid later on. YES, EXCEEDINGLY But It Is intcrcstlng to know

ACTIVE. \\\2A. this particular author we

have in view did, in a brief time, meet with phenomenal success. He caught like wild-fire ! and, although strange to relate (or not strange to relate, as I am rather slow to " catch on "), I couldn't recall having heard of this author before he was " written up," it appears he had been an active worker for some time — as active as a dog with a teapot attached to his tail.

But to come back to my financial quandary. I thought to write a novel to meet my expenses ; but then it occurred to me that it would take time for me to evolve a novel and realize more than experience and criticism from it, so I abandoned, as not available, the idea of raising cash from that source. It may answer the man who writes me up, but would hardly be available in the wilds of Europe.

RESOLVED TO STAKE Howcvcr, iu thc lauguagc of

MY PRIVATE FORTUNE early discovcrcrs, I had my private ON THE ENTERPRISE. ^^^^^^^ . ^nd I rcsolvcd to stakc

it on the enterprise. This fortune wasn't very large, which rendered it very portable ; I had no difficulty in concealing it about my person ; in fact, I could have concealed several such fortunes about me without distorting my nice symmetry of person. But the scantiness of my means would enhance the grandeur of my achievement, and with this afterthought I was rich indeed.

IV My Outfit

My outfit consisted of a tourist's bag, which I partially filled with conceit, enthusiasm, and sea-biscuit. I intended to depend for subsistence principally on the usual fruits of discovery, but thought it wise to lay in a stock of enthusiasm and sea-biscuit to fall back on in an emergency. I filled the remaining space in my bag with a change of underclothing (I wished to inspire the natives with a sense of our exalted notions of civilization by changing my underclothing once or twice a season), a map giving me a vague notion of the geography of the 'country I was about to enter, and a tourist's guide-book, offering information of quite as vague a nature.

Besides this bag and its contents, I took a small camera, and a revolver of a small calibre. These I intended to use in frightening the natives into subjection. I rarely had occasion to use the revolver, however, as I found the camera much more effective in bringing the natives to terms, and, besides, it had this advantage over the revolver that it recorded its immediate terrorizing effect on the people. My outfit also included a flask and a telescope. The flask was said to have a capacity of one quart ; the nature of the quart was not specified in the purchase — • whether it was to be a quart of distilled rain-water at thirty degrees Fahrenheit, or a quart of what is familiarly called in America "budge," or artificial inspiration. At home I rarely drink anything stronger than tea and coffee, but I was afraid that I would find a malarial district along the Lower Rhine country, and a residence in the Southern States of America had taught me the efficiency of "budge" in case of malaria ; in fact, this " budge " is almost a panacea in some States suffering from Prohibition — whatever that may mean. The telescope was a cunningly constructed binocular. It was so made that, by looking through it from the big end, objects in the field of vision were very much belittled ; while, by reversing the telescope, objects were made to appear abnormally large. I intended to use this instrument in studying European traits of character ; the big end for virtue, the little end for vice. My generosity and sympathetic nature might have led me to reverse this order, but I feared such a proceeding would be too great an innovation for our age and generation,

THE GUARDED ^^ch has bccn written about

COURTESY OF MY GOV- thc trlals aud tribulations of Co-

ERNMENT. i i • i ■ JX i. i 1 ■ i

lumbus m his efforts to enlist interest in his cause. If anything, my experience has been more disheartening, although not so long-drawn out. My Government did not assure me that I should have for myself during life, and for my heirs and successors forever, the office of Admiral in all the lands and countries which I might discover or acquire in the ocean ; that I should be Viceroy and Governor-General — in a word, High Muck-ka-Muck over all' the said lands and countries. Neither did she authorize me and my heirs to prefix the title of " Don " to our name. She didn't intend to encourage vanity. She did not even assume my outstanding and long-standing debts ; nor did she promise me immunity from the clamorous demands of my creditors. But she (my Government) did give me a written introduction to the Grand Khan-Khan of Tartary, requesting him to afford me the entree to Mangi, Cathay, or any other part of his dominion which I might wish to enter, to ascertain if the inhabitants were enjoying the Columbian standard of Christianity or not, and if the soil contained gold enough to pay the expense of working it and cutting the throats of the people. This document was addressed alike to any and all foreign rulers, with all of whom it was intended to place me at perfect ease. It also spoke in a touching way of my general personal appearance, but was as silent as a clam on my mental and moral attributes. Doubtless Mr. Blaine thought that these were self-evident. It is not always taken as a compliment to refer to a quality that speaks for itself ; so I accepted Mr. Blaine's silence as the highest of compliments ; it is

1 6 FoiiK Centuries After

reasonable to suppose that a Secretary of State knows the proper thing to do, both in the way of getting a Secretaryship, and how to act when he gets there.

My last care was to charter a

I CHARTERED A SHIP . , , . ,

FOR THE AccoMMODA- ship With which to rcach the scene TioN oT THE EXPEDi- of actlon. I found one of a line of steamers plynig between New York and Amsterdam which promised, in a lame way, to answer our purpose. I rechristened her The Pioneer J not by a special Act of Congress, but simply in my log. When you have learned the number of calendar days this ship kept our enterprise bobbing about on the uneven surface of the Atlantic, you will understand my diffidence about referring to the real name of this steamer. When I give a line of steamers a gratuitous advertising I want to believe that my generosity will not be mistaken for malicious libel. As we all came out of the experience alive, under the inspiration of prayers of thanksgiving that ascended, I might have been disposed to mark the bottom of this ship " A No. I " (we are always very liberal after having had a peep into the New Jerusalem), but to have done so would have been an outrage on the travelling public.