"Manners makyth man"

Front matter

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Preface

■■ gratitude be " a lively sense of benefits to come," I am showing niy gratitude to the public for their very kind reception of "How to be Happy though Married " by now presenting to them another little book with my best "manners."

It is not a boot of etiquette, for I am by no means a master of ceremonies ; nor does the motto of Winchester College, "Manners makyth man," refer to those social rules and forms which are often only substitutes for good manners, but rather to manners in the old sense of the word wliich we see in the text, "Evil communications corrupt good manners."

We are several thousand years too late to say anything new

S PREFACE.

about morality, but if there be nothing new in this book, there may be some things true of which we need to be frequently reminded, and to have put before us in different lights.

Five of these papers appeared in a somewhat different form in Chambers's youmal, two in The Quiver, two in The Queoh two in 7^ Family Circle, and one in Household Words.

Chapter I, Good Manners

" Those inferior duties of life which Ihe French call lespeHtis morales, or Ihe snmller morals, are with ds distinguished bj the name of good maimers. ' '-— Am/C

"Manners are of more importance than laws. Accordii% to their quality, they aid morals, the; supply laws, or they totally destroy them."— ^Hfift

D manners are nothing less than little irals. The; are the shadows of virtues, if t virtues themselves. "A beautiful beviour is better than a beautiful form; it fcs a higher pleasure than statues and pictures ; it is the finest of the fine arts." How well it is then that no one classhasamonopolyinthis" finest of fine arts ;" that while favourable circumstances undoubtedly do render good manners more common among persons moving in higher rather than in lower spheres, there should nevertheless be no positive hindrance to the poorest classes practising good

>•.• wk^^tAXV manners towards each other. For what is a goof It is the art of putting our associates at their ea< ever makes the fewest persons uncomfortable is mannered man in the room.

Vanity, ill-nature, want of sympathy, want of sen are the chief sources from which bad manners spri can we imagine an incident in which a man coul loss as to what to say or do in company, if he we considerate for the feelings of others, forgot hir did not lose his head or leave his common sense Such an one may not have studied etiquette, he chaotic rather than " good form," as the slang expr« and yet, because his head and heart are sound, he v. and act as becomes a gentleman. On the other hand, a very pedant in form and bigot in ceremonies may be nothing better than the "mildest-mannered man that ever cut a throat." As we can be wise without learning, so it is quite possible to be well-mannered with little or no knowledge of those rules and forms which are at best only a substitute for common sense, and which cannot be considered essential to good manners, inasmuch as they vary in every country, and even in the same country change about with the weathercock of fashion. Vanity renders people too self-conscious to have good manners, for if we are always thinking of the impression we are making, we cannot give enough attention to the feelings and conversation of others. Without trying to be natural — an effort that would make us most artificial — we must be natural by forgetting self in the desire to please others. Elderly unmarried students, and those who lead lonely lives generally, not unfrequently acquire awkward manners, the result of self-conscious sensitiveness.

Shyness was a source of misery to the late Archbishop Whately. When at Oxford, his white rough coat and white hat obtained for him the sobriquet of " The White Bear ; " and his manners, according to his own account of himself, corresponded with the appellation. He was directed, by way of remedy, to copy the example of the best-mannered men he met in society; but the attempt to do this only increased his shyness. He found that he was all the while thinking of himself rather than of others ; whereas thinking of others rather than of one's self is the essence of politeness. Finding that he was making no progress, he said to himself : *• I have tried my very utmost, and find that I must be as awkward as a bear all my life, in spite of it I will endeavour to think about it as little as a bear, and make up my mind to endure what can't be cured." In thus endeavouring to shake off all consciousness as to manner, he says : " I succeeded beyond my expectations ; for I not only got rid of the personal suffering of shyness, but also of most of those faults of manner which consciousness produces ; and acquired at once an easy and natural manner — careless indeed in the extreme, from its originating in a stem defiance of opinion, which I had convinced myself must be ever against me ; rough and awkward, for smoothness and grace are quite out of my way, and of course tutorially pedantic ; but unconscious, and therefore giving expression to that good-will towards men which I really feel ; and these, I believe, are the main points."

Vanity, again, is the source of that boasting self-assertion which is the bane of manners. He is an iU-mannered man who is always loud in the praises of himself and of his children; who, boasting of his rank, of his business, of achievements in his calling, looks down upon lower orders of people ; who cannot refrain from having his joke at the expense of another's character; whose smart thing must come out because he has not the gentlemanly feeling that suggests to us

" Never to blend our pleasure or our pride With sorrow to the meanest thing that lives."

The habit of saying rude things, of running people down, springs not so much from ill-nature as from that vanity that would rather lose a friend than a joke. On this point Dr. Johnson once remarked : " Sir, a man has no more right to say an uncivil thing than to act one — no more right to say a rude thing to another than to knock him down." The vain ^otism that disregards others is shown in various impolite ways ; as, for instance, by neglect of propriety in dress, by the absence of cleanliness, or by indulging in repulsive habits. Some think themselves so well-born, so clever, or so rich, as to be above caring what others say and think of them. It is said that the ancient kings of Egypt used to commence speeches to their subjects with the formula, " By the head of Pharaoh, ye are all swine I *' We need not wonder that those who take this swine-theory view of their neighbours should be careless of setting their tastes and feehngs at defiance. Contrast such puppyism with the

GOOD MANNERS. i?

conduct of David Ancillon, a famous Huguenot preacher, one of whose motives for studying his sermons with the greatest care was, " that it was showing too little esteem for the public to take no pains in preparation, and that a man who should appear on a ceremonial day in his night-cap and dressing-gown could not commit a greater breach of civility.'*

** Spite and ill-nature," it has been said, " are among the most expensive luxuries of life;" and this is true, for none of us can afford to surround himself with the host of enemies we are sure to make, if, when young, we allow ill-nature to produce in us unmannerly habits. Good manners, like good words, cost nothing, and are worth everything. What advantage, for instance, did the bookseller, on whom Dr. Johnson once called to solicit employment, get from his brutal reply : " Go buy a porter's knot and carry trunks " ? The surly natures of such men prevent them from ever entertaining angels unawares.

It is want of sympathy, however, much more than a bad nature that produces the ill-mannered hardness of character so well described by Sydney Smith : " Hardness is a want of minute attention to the feelings of others. It does not proceed from mahgnity or carelessness of inflicting pain, but from a want of delicate perception of those little things by which pleasure is conferred or pain excited. A hard person thinks he has done enough if he does not speak ill of your relations, your children, or your country; and then, with the greatest good-humour and volubility, and with a total inattention to your individual state and position, gallops over a thousand fine feelings, and leaves in every step the mark of his hoofs upon your heart. Analyze the conversation of a well-bred man who is clear of the besetting sin of hardness ; it is a perpetual homage of polite good-nature. In the meantime, the gentleman on the other side of you (a highly moral and respectable man) has been crushing little sensibilities, and violating little proprieties, and overlooking little discriminations ; and without violating anything which can be called a rule^ or committing what can be denominated z. faulty has displeased and dispirited you, from wanting that fine vision which sees little things, and that delicate touch which handles them, and that fine sympathy which this superior moral organization alwa3rs bestows."

Of course we must not judge people too much by external manner, for many a man has nothing of the bear about him but his skin. Nevertheless, as we cannot expect people in general to take time to see whether we are what we seem to be, it is foolish to roll ourselves into a prickly ball on the approach of strangers. If we do so, we cannot wonder at their exclaiming, •* A rough Christian ! " as the dog said of the hedgehog.

It is difficult to see how the " natural-bom fool " — to use an American expression — can ever hope to become well mannered, for without good sense, or rather tact, a man must continually make a fool of himself in society. Why are women as a rule better mannered than men ? Because their greater sympathy and power of quicker intuition give to them finer tact Nor is talent which knows what to do of much use, if the tact be wanting which should enable us to see how to do it. He who has talent without tact is like the millionaire who never has a penny of ready-money about him. Dr. Smiles illustrates the difference between a man of quick tact and of no tact whatever, by an interview which he says once took place between Lord Palmerston and Mr. Behnes the sculptor. At the last sitting which Lord Palmerston gave him, Behnes opened the conversation with: "Any news, my lord, from France? How do we stand with Louis Napoleon ? " The Foreign Secretary raised his eyebrows for an instant, and quietly replied 1 " Really, Mr. Behnes, I don't know ; I have not seen the newspapers ! " Behnes, with much talent, was one of the many men who entirely miss their way in life through want of tact

A well-mannered man is courteous to all sorts and conditions of men. He is respectful to his inferiors as well as to his equals and superiors. Honouring the image of God in every man, his good manners are not reserved for the few who can pay for them, or who make themselves feared. Like the gentle summer air, his civility plays round all alike. " The love and admiration," says Canon Kingsley, " which that truly brave and loving man Sir Sydney Smith won from every one, rich and poor, with whom he came in contact, seems to have arisen from the one fact, that without, perhaps, having any such conscious intention, he treated rich and poor, his own servants, and the noblemen his guests, alike, and alike courteously, considerately, cheerfully, affectionately — so leaving a blessing and reaping a blessing wherever he went" Certainly the working-classes of England, however

TO *• MANNERS MAKYTH MAN!"

respectful they may be to those whom— often for interested reasons — they call " their betters,** are far from being sufficiently polite to each other. Why should not British labourers when they meet take off their hats to each other, . and courteously ask after Mrs. Hardwork and family? There is not a moment of their lives the enjoyment of which might not be enhanced by kindliness of this sort — in the workshop, in the street, or at home.

We know that extremes meet, and there is an over-civility that becomes less than civil, because it forces people to act contrary to their inclinations. Well-mannered people consult the wishes of others rather than their own. They do not proceed in a tyrannical manner to prescribe what their friends shall eat and drink, nor do they put them in the awkward position of having to answer a thousand apologies for their entertainment When guests refuse an offered civility, we ought not to press it When they desire to leave our house, it is really bad manners to lock the stabledoor, hide their hats, and have recourse to similar artifices to pi event their doing so. As, however, this zeal of hospitality without knowledge is a good fault, and one not too common, there is perhaps no need to say more about it It leans to virtue's side.

We must not confound etiquette with good manners, for the arbitrary rules of the former are very often absurd, and differ in various ages and countries \ whereas good manners, founded as they are on common-sense, are always and everywhere the same. It would be invidious to illustrate this assertion from the society of our own country, so we shall import a reductio cut absurdum of etiquette from Japan. In The Gentle Life, the following account is given of what used to take place at the Japanese court. "When one courtier was insulted by another, he who bore the insult turned round to the insulter, and quietly uncovering the stomach, ripped himself open. The aggressor, by an inexorable law of etiquette, was bound to follow the lead, and so the two die. The most heart-rending look ever witnessed was one given by a Japanese, who, having been insulted by an American, carried out the rule, expecting his opponent to follow suit But the Yankee would do nothing of the sort; and the Japanese expired in agonies — ^not from the torture of his wound, but from being a sacrifice to so foolish and underbred a fellow — ^whilst the American looked at him in a maze of wonder." If it were not so sad, we might laugh at such accounts of self-torture, as well as at people of our own acquaintance who, worshipping conventionality, are ever on the rack about " the right thing to do," about " good form."

But this sort of folly should not blind us to the value of good manners as distinguished from etiquette.

*' Manners are not idle, but the fruit Of noble nature and of loyal mind."

Were it not for the oil of civility, how could the wheels of society continue to work ? Money, talent, rank — these are keys that turn some locks ; but kindness or a sympathetic manner is a master-key that can open all. If " virtue itself offends when coupled with a forbidding manner," how great must be the power of winning manners, such as steer between bluntness and plain-dealing, between giving merited praise and flattery.

Men succeed in their professions quite as much by complaisance and kindliness of manner as by talent Demosthenes, in giving his well-known advice to an orator — ^that eloquence consisted in three things, the first " action," the second "action," and the third "action" — is supposed to have intended manner only. A telling preacher in his opening remarks gains the good-will of his hearers, and makes them feel both that he has something to say and that he can say it — by his manner. The successful medical man on entering a sick-room inspires into his patients belief in himself, and that hope which is so favourable to longevity — by his manner. Considering that jurymen are scarcely personifications of pure reason unmixed with passion or prejudice, a barrister cannot afford to neglect manner if he would bring twelve men one after another to his way of thinking. Again, has the business man any stock-in-trade that pays him better than a good address ? And as regards the "survival of the fittest" in tournaments for a lady's hand, is it not a "natural selection" when the old motto "Manners makyth man" decides the contest? At least Wilkes, the best-mannered but ugliest man of his day, thought so. " I am," he said, " the ugliest man in the three kingdoms ; but if you give me a quarter of an hour's start, I will gain the love of any woman before the handsomest."

If kindliness of disposition be the essence of good manners, our subject is seen at once to shade off into the great one of Christianity itself. It is the heart that makes both the true gentleman and the great theologian. The Apostle Paul (see speech delivered on Mars' Hill) always endeavoured to conciliate his audience when he commenced addressing them. And his letters, as well as those of his fellow-apostles, are full of sympathy and consideration for every one's feelings, because he had learned from Him whose sympathy extended to even the greatest of sinners.

Rather more than fifty years ago there was a lawsuit in which Trinity College, Dublin, was concerned. On this occasion, Rev. John Barrett, senior fellow, familiarly styled " Jacky Barrett," was lugged out of his sanctum, from which he very rarely stirred, to give evidence against the assailant of his loved and cherished establishment. Sir Jonah, who cross-examined him, gives this account of his defeat by the little kiln-dried sage :

" I examined the most learned of the whole University, Dr. Barrett, a little greasy, shabby, croaking, round-faced vice- provost. He knew nothing on earth save books and guineas, never went out, and held but little intercourse with mankind. I worked at him unsuccessfully more than an hour; not one decisive sentence could I get him to pronounce. At length he grew quite tired of me, and I thought to conciliate him by telling him that his father had christened me. * Indeed 1 ' exclaimed he. * Oh, I did not know you were a Christian.' At this unexpected repartee the laugh was so strong against me that I found myself muzzled."

To some highly " respectable " and even baptized persons one is tempted to say, on hearing them make religious professions which they never put into practice — " Oh, I did not know you were a Christian."