A likely story

Front matter

fyxndl WimvMii]^ ^Mm^

THE GIFT OF i^.-SA^SS-D ^(Dtol3.

3 1924 013 606 235

Chapter I

PAGE A GOOD DEAL ABOUT A BOX OF MATCHES. CONCEENING A MARRIED COUPLE, WHOM ANYONE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT QUABKELSOME, TO LISTEN TO THEM. OF THE DIFFICULTY WITH WHICH THE LADY HOUSEKEPT, AND HOW HEE HUSBAND WAS NO HELP AT ALL. BUT THEY WENT TO THE OLD WATER COLOUR. HOW SAIRAH ONLY JUST WIPED GENTLY OVER A TACKY PICTURE, AND MR. AIKEN SAID GOD AND DEVIL. OF THE PLURAL NUMBEE. OF A VEEY PRETTY GIRL, BUT DKESSY, AND HER SOLDIER LOVER, AND HOW MRS. AIKEN WAS PROPER. OF HEE MYSTICAL UTTERANCE ABOUT THE YOUNG LADY. HOW ME. AIKEN SOUGHT FOE AN EXPLANATION FROM SAIEAH, AND CREATED A SITUATION. HOW HIS WIFE WENT TO HEE AUNT PRISCILLA, AT ATHABASCA VILLA, AND CRIED HERSELF TO SLEEP 1

Chapter II

HOW A LITTLE OLD GENTLEMAN , WAS LEFT ALONE IN A LIBRARY, IN FRONT OF THE PICTURE SAIRAH HAD ONLY ' JUST WIPED GENTLY. HOW HE WOKE UP FROM A DREAM, WHICH WENT ON. THE LOQUACITY OF A PIC- TURE, AND HOW HE POINTED OUT TO IT ITS UN- REALITY. THE artist's NAME. THERE WAS PLENTY OF TIME TO HEAR MORE. THE EXACT DATE OF AN- TIQUITY. THE RATIONAL WAY OF ACCOUNTING FOE IT 40

Chapter III

THE picture's TALE. IT WAS SO WELL PAINTED — THAT WAS WHY IT COULD HEAR FOUR HUNDRED YEARS AGO. HOW ITS PAINTER HUNGERED AND THIRSTED FOE ITS ORIGINAL, AND VICE VEESA. HOW OLD JANUARY HID IN A SPY-HOLE, TO WATCH MAY, AND SAW IT ALL. OF POPE innocent's PENETRATION. OF CEETAIN BELLS, UNWELCOME ONES. HOW TWO INNAMOEATI

iii iv CONTENTS

TRIED TO PART WITHOUT A KISS, AND FAILED. NEVER- THELESS ASSASSINS STOPPED IT WHEN IT HAD ONLY JUST BEGUN. BUT GIACINTO GOT AT JANUARY'S THROAT. HOW THE PICTURE WAS FRAMED, AND HUNG WHERE MAY COULD ONLY SEE IT BY TWISTING. OP THE DUNGEON BELOW HER, WHERE GIACINTO MIGHT BE. HOW JANUARY DUG AT MAY WITH A WALKING- STAFF. HOW THE PICTURE WAS IN ABEYANCE, BUT LOVED A FIREFLY; THEN WAS INTERRED IN FURNITURE, AND THREE CENTURIES SLIPPED BY. HOW IT SOLD FOE SIX-FIFTY, AND WAS SENT TO LONDON, TO A PICTURE- RESTORER, WHICH IS HOW IT COMES INTO THE TALE. HOW MR. PELLY WOKE UP 51

Chapter IV

a retrospective chapter. how fortune's toy and the sport of circumstances fell in love with one op his nurses. prose composition. lady upwell's majesty, and the queen's, no engagement, the african war, and justifiable fratricide. CAIN. Madeline's big dog c^sar. cats, ormuzd

AND AHRIMAN. A HANDY LITTLE VELDT. MADELINE'S JAPANESE KIMONO. A DISCUSSION OF THE NATURE OP DREAMS. NEVER MIND ATHEN^US. LOOK AT THE PROPHET DANIEL. SIB STOPLEIGH'S GREAT-AUNT DORO- THEA'S TWINS. THE CIRCULATING LIBRARY AND THE POTTED SHRIMPS. HOW MADELINE READ THE MANU- SCRIPT IN BED, AND TOOK CARE NOT TO SET FIRE TO THE CURTAINS 107

CHAPTER V ME. Aiken's sequel, pimlico studios, mr. hughes's

IDEA. aspects op NATURE. MB. HUGHES'S FOOT. WHAT HAD MR. AIKEN BEEN AT? NOT FANNY SMITH. IT WAS SAIRAH ! ! WHO MISUNDERSTOOD AND TURNED VERMILION? HER MALICE. THE REGENT'S CANAL. MB. AIKEN'S ADVICE FROM HIS FRIENDS. WOMAN AND HER SEX. HOW MR. HUGHES VISITED MR. AIKEN ONE EVENING, AND THE POST CAME, WITH SOMETHING TOO BIG FOR THE BOX, WHILE MRS. PARPLES SLEPT. MR. AIKEN'S VERY SINCERELY MADELINE UPWELL. HER TRANSPARENCY. HOW THE PICTURE'S PHOTO STOOD ON THE TABLE. INTERESTING LUCUBRATIONS OF MR. HUGHES. WHAT WAS THAT? BUT IT WAS NOTHING

ONLY AN EFFECT OP SOMETHING. THE VERNACULAR

MIND. NEGATIVE JURIES. HOW MR. AIKEN STOPPED

AN ECHO, SO IT WAS MR. HUGHES'S FANCY . . . 124

CONTENTS V

Chapter VI

PAGE FOLLOWS MBS. EUPHEMIA AIKEN TO COOMBE AND MALDEN. PBOPER PBIDE. YOU CANNOT GO BACK ON A EAILWAT TICKET, HOWEVER SMALL ITS PBICE. ONE'S AUNTS. HOW MISS PEISCILLA BAX WAS NOT SUKPBISED WHEN SHE HEARD IT WAS KEGINALD. OF THE UPAS TREE OF

REPUTATIONS THE PURE MIND. HOW AUNT PEISCEY

AVORKED HER NIECE UP. A DEXTEROUS CITATION FROM EPISTLES. NEVER WRITE A LETTER, IF YOU WANT THE WIND TO LULL. ELLEN JANE DUDBUEY AND HEE MAMMA. OF JU-JITSU AS AN ANTIDOTE TO TATTLE. OP THE RELATIVE ADVANTAGES OF IMMORTALITY TO THE TWO SEXES. OF GOOD SOULS AND BUSY BODIES, AND OF THE GBOOBS. HOW THAT ODIOUS LITTLE DOLLY WAS THE MODERN ZURBARAN. BUT HE HAD NEVER SO MUCH AS CALLED. COLOSSIANS THREE-EIGHTEEN. MISS JESSIE BAX AND HER PUPPY. MISS VOLUMNIA BAX. THE DELICACY OF THE FEMALE CHARACTER. OF THE RADIO-ACTIVITY OF SPACE AND HOW MR. ADOLPHUS GROOB SAT NEXT TO MRS. AIKEN. THE GODFREY PYBUSES. BUT THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE STORY. HOW TIME SLIPPED BY, AND HOW ME. AIKEN EMPLOYED HIM TILL THE YEAR DREW TO AN END . . 156

Chapter VII

THE UPWELL FAMILY IN LONDON. HOW MADELINE PROM- ISED NOT TO GET MIXED UP. A NICE SUBURBAN BOY, WITH A TWO-POWER STANDARD. NO JACK NOW! THE SILVER TEAPOT. MISS PBISCILLA'S EXTRACTION. IM- PERIALISM. HORACE WALPOLE AND JOHN BUNYAN. THE TAPLEYS. HOW AN ITEM IN THE " TELEGRAPH " UPSET MADELINE. HOW SHE FAILED IN HER MISSION, BUT LEFT A PHOTOGRAPH BEHIND HER. THE LATE LADY BETTY DUSTEB'S CHIN. HOW MRS. AIKEN STAYED DOWNSTAIRS AND WENT TO SLEEP IN AN ABM-CHAIB, AND OF A CURIOUS EXPERIENCE SHE HAD. HOW SHE RELATED THE SAME TO HER COUSIN VOLUMNIA. OF ICILIA CIARANFI AND DONNINA MAGLIABECGHI, AND OF THE DUST. THE PSYCHOMORPHIC REPORT. HOW MISS VOLUMNIA DID NOT LOSE HEE TRAIN .... 193

Chapter VIII

HOW MRS. EUPHEMIA AIKEN FOUND MADELINE AT HOME, WHO CONSEQUENTLY DID NOT GO TO A BUN-WORRY. BUT SHE HAD MET MISS BAX. HOW THESE LADIES vi CONTENTS

TARE EACH CONFESSED TO BOOYISM, OF A SORT, AND MADE- LINE SAID MAKE IT UP. HOW MK. AIKEN TOOK MR. tick's advice ABOUT DIANA, BUT COULD NOT FIND HIS TRANSPARENT OXIDE OF CHROMIUM. MAN AT HIS LONELIEST. NO TEA. AND WHAT A JUGGINS HE HAD been! OF MRS. GAPP'S DIPSOMANIA. THE BOYS. HOW MB. AIKEN LIT THE GAS, AND HEARD A CAB. HOW HE NEARLY KISSED MADELINE, WHO HAD BROUGHT HIS WIFE HOME, BUT IT WAS ONLY A MISTAKE, GLORY BE! WAS THERE SOAP IN THE HOUSE? .... 239

Chapter IX

Madeline's report, next morning, charles mathews and madame vestris. how well madeline held her tongue to keep her promise. an anticipation of post-story time. how a deputation waited on mrs. aiken from the psychomorphic. mr. macanimus and mr. vacaw. gevartius much more correct for miss jessie to listen to than the laughing cavalier. of self-hypnosis and ghosts, their respective categories. the mad cat's nose outside the blanket. singular autophrenetic experience of mr. aiken. stenography. a case in point. not a phenomenon at all. how miss

VOLUMNIA'S PENETRATION PENETRATED, AND GOT AT SOMETHING. SUGGESTION TRACED HOME. ENOUGH TO EXPLAIN ANY PHENOMENON 263

Chapter X

HOW MR. PELLY, SUBJECT TO INTERRUPTION, READ ALOUD A TRANSLATION FROM ITALIAN. WHO WAS THE OLD DEVIL? WHO WAS THE DUCHESSA? OF THE NAR- RATOR'S INCARCERATION. OF HIS INCREDIBLE ESCAPE. WHOSE HORSE WAS THAT IN THE AVENUE?' HOW MR. PELLY READ FASTER. WAS UGUCCIO KILLED? SIR STOPLEIGH SCANDALIZED. BUT THEN IT WAS THE MID- DLE AGES ONE OF THEM, ANYHOW! HOW ONLY

DUCHESSES KNOW IF DUKES ARE ASLEEP. OF THE BONE MR. PELLY PICKED WITH MADELINE. BUT WHAT BECOMES OP UNCONSCIOUS CEREBRATION? AM- BROISE PARE. MARTA'S LITTLE KNIFE. LOVE WAS NOT UNKNOWN IN THE MIDDLE AGES. THE END OF THE MANUSCRIPT. BUT SIR STOPLEIGH WENT OUT TO SEE A VISITOR, IN THE MIDDLE. HOW MADELINE TURNED WHITE, AND WENT SUDDENLY TO BED. WHAT WAS IT ALL ABOUT? SEVENTY-SEVEN COULD WAIT . . . 285

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