Peck's bad boy and his pa

Front matter

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^D HIS PA

Chapter I. The Boy With A Lame Back

The Boy couldn't Sit Down— A Practical Joke on the Old Man — A Letter from " Daisy " — Guarding the Four Corners — The Old Man is unusually Generous — Ma asks Awkward Questions — The Boy talked to with a Bed Slat— No Encouragement for a Boy

Chapter II. The Boy At Work Again

The Best Boys full of Tricks— The Old Man Lays Down the Law about Jokes — Rubber Hose Macaroni — The Old Man's Struggles — Chewing Vigorously but in Vain — An Inquest Held — Revelry by Night — Music in the Woodshed — '• T was ever thus" .

Chapter III. The Bad Boy's Fourth Of July

1'a is a Pointer, not a Setter— Special Arrangements for the Fourth of July— A Grand Supply of Fireworks— The Explosion— The Air full of Pa, and Dog, and Rockets — A Scene that beggars Description 21

Contents.

Chapter IV. The Bad Boy's Ma Comes Home

PAGE

No Deviltry, only a Little Fun — The Bad Boy's Chum — A Lady's Wardrobe in the Old Man's Room — Ma's Unexpected Arrival — Where is the Huzzy ? — Damfino ! — The Bad Boy wants to Travel with a Circus ...... 24

Chapter V. His Pa Is A Coward

His Pa has been a Major — How he would Deal with Burglars — His Bravery put to the Test — The Ice Revolver — His Pa begins to Pray — Tells where the Change is — " Please, Mr. Burglar, spare a Poor Man's Life ! " — Ma Wakes Up — The Bad Boy and his Chum Run— Fish-Pole Sauce — Ma would make a good Chief of Police 27

Chapter VI. His Pa Gets A Bite

His Pa gets too much Water — The Doctors Disagree — How to Spoil Boys— His Pa goes to Pewaukee in Search of his Son — Anxious to Fish — " Stoper, I've got a Whale ! " — Overboard—His Pa is Saved — Goes to Cut a Switch — A Dollar for his Pants 30

Chapter VII. He Is Too Healthy

An Empty Champagne Bottle and a Black Eye — He is Arrested — Oconomowoc for Health — His Pa is an Old Masher — Danced till the Cows came Home — The Girl from the Sunny South — The Bad Boy is sent Home • • • 33

Chapter VIII. His Pa Has Got 'em Again

His Pa is Drinking Hard — He has become a Terror — A Tumping Dog — The Old Man is shamefully Assaulted — "This is an Awful Climate, my Boy ! " — His Pa Swears Off — His Ma still Sneezing at Lake Superior ...... ,g

Contents.

Chapter IX. His Pa Has Got Religion

PAGE

The Bad Boy goes to Sunday School — Promises Reformation — The Old Man on Trial for Six Months— What Ma Thinks — Ants in Pa's Liver-Pad — The Old Man in Church — Religion is One Thing, Ants Another 39

Chapter X. His Pa Takes A Trick

Jamaica Rum and Cards — The Bad Boy possessed of a Devil — The Kind Deacon— At Prayer Meeting— The Old Man tells his Experience — The Flying Cards — The Prayer Meeting Suddenly Closed 43

Chapter XI. His Pa Gets Pulled

The Old Man Studies the Bible — Daniel in the Lion's Den — The Mule and the Mule's Father— Murder in the Third Ward— The Old Man Arrested— The Old Man Fans the Dust out of his Son's Pants 46

Chapter XII. His I'a Coes To The Exposition

The Bad Boy Acts as Guide— The Circus Story — The Old Man wants to Sit Down — Tries to Eat Pancakes — Drinks some Mineral Water — The Old Man Falls in Love with a Wax Woman — A Policeman Interferes — The Lights go Out — The Grocery Man don't want a Clerk .... 49

Chapter XIII. His Pa Catches O N

Two Days and Nights in the Bath-room — Religion Cakes the Old Man's Breast — The Bad Boy's Chum dressed up as a Girl— The Old Man Deluded— The Couple start for the Court House Park — His Ma appears on the Scene — "If you love me, kiss me 1 " — Ma to the Rescue — " I am Dead, am I ? " — His Pa throws a Chair through the Transom . 54

8 Contents.

Chapter XIV. His Pa At The Re-union

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The Old Man in Military Splendour — Tells how he Mowed Down the Rebels — " I and Grant"— What is a Sutler? — Ten Dollars for Pickles ! — " Let us Hang Him ! "—The Old Man on the Run — He Stands Up to Supper — The Bad Boy is to Die at Sunset ........ 58

Chapter XV. The Bad Boy In Love

Are you a Christian ? — No getting to Heaven on Small Potatoes— The Bad Boy has to Chew Cobs — Ma says it's Good for a Boy to be in Love — Love Weakens the Bad Boy — How much does it Cost to get Married ? — Mad Dog — Never eat Ice Cream 62

Chapter XVI. His I'a Fights Hornets

The Old Man Looks Bad — The Woods of Wauwatosa — The Old Man takes a Nap — " Helen Somebody ! " — The Liver Medicine— Its Wonderful Effects— The Bad Boy is Drunk — Give me a Lemon !— A Sight of the Comet !— The Hired Girl's Religion 66

Chapter XVII. His Pa Goes Hunting

Mutilated Jaw — The Old Man has taken to Swearing again — Out West Duck-shooting — His Coat-tail Shot Off — Shoots at a Wild Goose — The Gun Kicks ! — Throws a Chair at his Son — The Astonished She-Deacon . . . . • 7>

Chapter XVIII. His Pa Is "nishiated."

Are you a Mason ?— No Harm to play at Lodge— Why Goats are kept in Stables -The Bad Boy gets the Goat Upstairs— The Grand Bumper Degree— Kyan Pepper on the Goat's Beard — " Bring forth the Royal Bumper" — The Goat on the Rampage 77

Contents.

Chapter XIX. His Girl Goes Back On Him

l'AGE

The Grocery Man is Afraid — But the Bad Boy is a Wreck — "My Girl has Shook Me ! "—The Bad Boy's Heart is Broken — Still he enjoys a Bit of Fun — Cod- Liver Oil on the Pancakes — The Hired Girls made Victims — The Bad Boy vows Vengeance on his Girl and the Telegraph Messenger .......... S2

Chapter XX. He And His Pa In Chicago

Nothing like Travelling to give Tone— Laughing in the Wrong Place — A Diabolical Plot— His Pa Arrested as a Kidnapper— The Numbers on the Doors Changed — The Wrong Room— " Nothin' the Mazzer with Me, Pet ! "— The Tell- Tale Hat 86

Chapter XXI. His Pa Is Discouraged

" I ain't no Joner ! " — The Sunday school Folks go Back on the Bad Boy — Caged Cats— A Committee Meeting — A Remarkable Catastrophe !—" That Boy Beats All ! "—Basting the Bad Boy — The Hot-Water in-the-Sponge Trick ... 90

Chapter XXII. He Becomes A Druggist

' I have gone into Business ! " — A New Rose-Geranium Perfume—The Bad Buy in a Druggist's Store— Practising on his Pa — The Explosion — The Seidlitz Powder — His Pa's Frequent Pains — Pounding India-Rubber — Curing a Wart 95 i o Contents.

Chapter XXIII. He Quits The Drug Business

PAGE He has Dissolved with the Drugger — The Old Lady and the Gin — The Bad Boy ignominiously Fired — How he Dosed his Pa's Brandy— The Bad Boy as " Hawty as a Dook ! " — He gets Even with his Girl — The Bad Boy wants a Quiet Place — The Old Man threatens the Parson . . . -99

Chapter XXIV. His Pa Kills Him

A Genius at Whistling — A Fur-lined Cloak a Sure Cure for Consumption — Another Letter sent to the Old Man — He resolves on Immediate Punishment — The Bladder-Buffer — The Explosion — A Tragic Scene — His Pa vows to Reform 103

Chapter XXV. His Pa Mortified

Searching for Sewer Gas — The Powerful Odour of Limberger Cheese at Church — The After Meeting — Fumigating the House— The Bad Boy resolves to Board at an Hotel . . 108

Chapter XXVI. His Pa Broke Up

The Bad Boy don't Think the Grocer Fit for Heaven— He is very Severe on his Old Friend— The Need of a New Revised Edition — The Bad Boy turns Reviser— His Pa reaches for the Poker— A Special Providence— The Sled Slewed !— His Ta under the Mules II2

Chapter XXVII. His I' A Goes Skating

The Bad Boy Carves a Turkey— His Pa's Fame as a Skater — The Old Man essays to Skate on Rollers — His Wild Capers — He Spreads Himself— Holidays a Condemned Nuisance — The Bad Boy's Christmas Presents U7

Contents. 1 1

Chapter XXVIII. His Pa Goes Calling

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His Pa Starts 'forth— A Picture of the Old Man " Full "— Politeness at a Winter Picnic — Assaulted by Sandbaggers — Resolved to Drink no more Coffee — A Girl full of " Aignogg" 122

Chapter XXIX. His Pa Dissected

The Miseries of the Mumps — No Pickles, thank you — One more Effort to Reform the Old Man — The Bad Boy plays Medical Student — Proceeds to Dissect his Pa— "Gentlemen, I am not Dead!" — Saved from the Scalpel — "No more Whiskey for you " . , 127

Chapter XXX. His Pa Joins A Temperance Society

The Grocery Man Sympathises with the Old Man — Warns the Bad Boy that he may have a Step-Father ! — The Bad Boy Scorns the Idea — Introduces his Pa to the Grand " Worthy Duke ! " — The Solemn Oath — The Brand plucked from the Burning 133

Chapter XXXI. His Pa's Marvellous Escape

The Grocery Man has no Vaseline — The Old Man provides Three Fire Escapes — One of the Escapes Tested — His Pa Scandalizes the Church — "She's a Darling!" — Worldly Music in the Courts of Zion 138

Chapter XXXII. His Pa Jokes Him

The Bad Boy Caught at Last — How to Grow a Moustache — Tar and Cayenne Pepper — The Grocery Man's Fate is Sealed — Father and Son join in a Practical Joke — Soft Soap on the Steps — Downfall of Ministers and Deacons — "Ma to the Rescue I " — The Bad Boy gets Even with his Pa . . 142

1 2 Contents.

Chapter XXXIII. His Pa Gets Mad

Boom in Court-Plaster — The Bad Boy declines being " Mauled ! "—The Old Man gets a Hot Box— The Bad Boy Borrows a Cat 1 — The Battle !—" Blazes 1 "— The Cat Victorious 1 — The Bad Boy draws the Line at Kindling Wood!

Chapter XXXIV. His Pa An Inventor

The Bad Boy a Martyr — The Dog-Collar in the Sausage— A Patent Stove— The Patent Tested ! — His Pa a Burnt Offering— Early Breakfast 1 jrj

Chapter XXXV. His Pa Gets Boxed

A Parrot for Sale— The Old Man is Down on the Grocer—" A Contrite Heart beats a Bob-tailed Flush I "—Polly's Responses—The Old Man gets another Black Eye— Duffy Hits for Keeps 1— Nothing like an Oyster for a Black Eye . 155

PECK'S BAD BOY.

Chapter I. The Boy With A Lame Back

The Boy couldn't Sit Down — A Practical Joke on the Old Man — A Letter from "Daisy" — Guarding the Four Corners — The Old Man is unusually Generous — Ma asks awkward Questions — The Boy Talked to with a Bed- Slat — No Encouragement for a Boy i

A young fellow who is pretty smart on general principles, and who is always in good humour, went into a store the other morning limping and seemed to be broke up generally. The proprietor asked him if he wouldn't sit down, and he said he couldn't very well, as his back was lame. He seemed discouraged, and the proprietor asked him what was the matter. " Well," says he, as he put his hand on his pistol pocket and groaned, " There is no encouragement for a boy to have any fun nowadays. If a boy tries to play an innocent joke he gets kicked all over the house." The storekeeper asked him what had happened to disturb his hilarity. He said he had played a joke on his father and had been limping ever since.

" You see, I thought the old man was a little spry. You

Peck's Bad Boy.

know he is no spring chicken yourself; and though his eyes are not what they used to be, yet he can see a pretty girl further than I can. The other day I wrote a note in a fine hand and addressed it to him, asking him to meet me on the corner of Wisconsin and Milwaukee streets, at 7.30 on Saturday evening, and signed the name of " Daisy" to it. At supper time Pa he was all shaved up and had his hair plastered over the bald spot, and he got on some clean cuffs, and said he was going to the Consistory to initiate some candidates from the country, and he might not be in till late. He didn't eat much supper, and hurried off with my umbrella. I winked at Ma but didn't say anything. At 7.30 I went down town and he was standing there by the post-office corner, in a dark place. I went by him and said, " Hello, Pa, what are you doing ihere ? " He said he was waiting for a man. I went down street and pretty soon I went up on the other corner by Chapman's and he was standing there. You see, he didn't know what corner " Daisy " was going to be on, and had to cover all four corners. I saluted him and asked him if he hadn't fourd his man yet, and he said no, the man was a little late. It is a mean boy that won't speak to his Pa when he sees him standing on a corner. I went up street and I saw Pa cross over by the drug store in a sort of a hurry, and I could see a girl going by with a waterproof on, but she skited right along and Pa looked kind of solemn, the way he does when I ask him for new clothes. I turned and came back and he was standing there in the doorway, and I said, " Pa, you will catch cold if you stand around waiting for a man. You go down to the Consistory and let me lay for the man." Pa said, " Never you mind, you go about your business and I will attend to the man."

Well, when a boy's Pa tells him to never you mind, and looks spunky, my experience is that a boy wants to "o

The Boy with a Lame Back. [5

right away from there, and I went down street. I thought I would cross over and go up the other side, and see how long he would stay. There was a girl or two going up ahead of me, and I see a man hurrying across from the drug store to Van Pelt's corner. It was Pa, and as the girls went along and never looked around Pa looked mad and stepped into the doorway. It was about eight o'clock then, and Pa was tired, and I felt sorry for him and I went up to him and asked him for half a dollar to go to the Academy. I never knew him to shell out so freely and so quick. He gave me a dollar, and I told him I would go and get it changed and bring him back the half-a-dollar, but he said I needn't mind the change. It is awful mean of a boy that has always been treated well to play it on his Pa that way, and I felt ashamed. As I turned the corner and saw him standing there shivering, waiting for the man, my conscience troubled me, and I told a policeman to go and tell Pa that " Daisy " had been suddenly taken ill, and would not be there that evening. I peeked around the corner and Pa and the policeman went off to get a drink. I was glad they did cause Pa needed it, after standing around so long. Well, when I went home the joke was so good I told Ma about it, and she was mad. I guess she was mad at me for treating Pa that way. I heard Pa come home about eleven o'clock, and Ma was real kind to him. She told him to warm his feet, cause they were just like chunks of ice. Then she asked him how many they initiated in the Consistory, and he said six, and then she asked him if they initiated " Daisy" in the Consistory, and pretty soon I heard Pa snoring. In the morning he took me into the basement, and gave me the hardest talking to that I ever had, with a bed-slat. He said he knew that I wrote that note all the time, and he thought he would pretend that he was looking for " Daisy," just to fool me.

It don't look reasonable that a man would catch epizootic and rheumatism just to fool his boy, does it ? What did he give me the dollar for ? Ma and Pa don't seem to call each other pet any more, and as for me, they both look at me as though I was a hard citizen. I am going to Missouri to take Jesse James's place. There is no encouragement for a boy here. Well, good morning. If Pa comes in here asking for me tell him that you saw an express wagon going to the morgue with the remains of a pretty boy who acted as though he died from concussion of a bed-slat on the pistol pocket. That will make Pa feel sorry. O, he has got the awfulest cold, though."

And the boy limped out to separate a couple of dogs that were fighting.

n

Chapter II. The Bad Boy At Work Again

The best Boys full of Tricks — The Old Man lays down the Law about Jokes — Rubber-Hose Macaroni — The Old Man's Struggles — Chewing vigorously but in vain — An Inquest held — Revelry by Night — Music in the Wood-Shed — " 'Twas ever thus."

Of course all boys are not full of tricks, but the best of them are. That is, those who are the readiest to play innocent jokes, and who are continually looking for chances to make Rome howl, are the most apt to turn out to be first-class business men. There is a boy in the Seventh Ward who is so full of fun that sometimes it makes him ache. He is the same boy who not long since wrote a note to his father and signed the name " Daisy " to it, and got the old man to stand on a corner for two hours waiting for the girl. After that scrape the old man told the boy that he had no objection to innocent jokes, such as would not bring reproach upon him, and as long as the boy confined himself to jokes that would simply cause pleasant laughter, and not cause the finger of scorn to be pointed at a parent, he would be the last one to kick. So the boy has been for three weeks trying to think of some innocent joke to play on his father. The old man is getting a little near-sighted, and his teeth are not as good as they used to be, but the old man will not admit it. Nothing that anybody can say can make him own up that

c his eyesight is failing or that his teeth are poor, and he would bet a hundred dollars that he could see as far as ever. The boy knew the failing, and made up his mind to demonstrate to the old man that he was rapidly getting off his base. The old person is very fond of macaroni, and eats it about three times a week. The other day the boy was in a drug store and noticed in a show case a lot of small rubber hose, about the size of sticks of macaroni, such as is used on nursing bottles, and other rubber utensils. It was white and nice, and the boy's mind was made up at once. He bought a yard of it, and took it home. When the macaroni was cooked and ready to be served, he hired the table girl to help him play it at the old man. They took a pair of shears and cut the rubber hose in pieces about the same length as the pieces of boiled macaroni, and put them in a saucer with a little macaroni over the rubber pipes, and placed the dish at the old man's plate. Well, we suppose if ten thousand people could have had reserved seats and seen the old man struggle with the India rubber macaroni, and have seen the boy's struggle to keep from laughing, they would have had more fun than they would at a circus. First the old delegate attempted to cut the macaroni into small pieces, and failing, he remarked that it was not cooked enough. The boy said his macaroni was cooked too tender, and that his father's teeth were so poor that he would have to eat soup entirely pretty soon. The old man said, " Never you mind my teeth, young man," and decided that he would not complain of anything again. He took up a couple of pieces of rubber and one piece of macaroni on a fork and put them in his mouth. The macaroni dissolved easy enough, and went down perfectly easy, but the flat macaroni was too much for him. He chewed on it fora minute or two, and talked about the weather in order that none of

The Bad Boy at Work again. 19 the family should see that he was in trouble, and when he found the macaroni would not down, he called their attention to something out of the window and took the rubber slyly from his mouth, and laid it under the edge of his plate. He was more than half convinced that his teeth were played out, but went on eating something else for a whiie, and finally he thought he would just chance the macaroni once more for luck, and he mowed away another fork full in his mouth. It was the same old story. He chewed like a seminary girl chewing gum, and his eyes stuck out and his face became red, and his wife looked at him as though afraid he was going to die of apoplexy, and finally the servant girl burst out laughing, and went out of the room with her apron stuffed in her mouth, and the boy felt as though it was unhealthy to tarry too long at the table and he went out.

Left alone with his wife the old man took the rubber macaroni from his mouth and laid it on his plate, and he and his wife held an inquest over it. The wife tried to spear it with a fork, but couldn't make any impression on it, and then she see it was rubber hose, and told the old man. He was mad and glad at the same time ; glad because he had found that his teeth were not to blame, and mad because the grocer had sold him boarding-house macaroni. Then the girl came in and was put on the confessional, and told all, and presently there was a sound of revelry by night, in the wood-shed, and the still, small voice was saying. " O, Pa, don't ! you said you didn't care for innocent jokes. Oh ! " And then the old man, between the strokes of the piece of clap-board would say, " Feed your father a hose-cart next, won't ye. Be firing car-springs and clothes-wringers down me next, eh ? Put some gravy on a rubber overcoat, probably, and serve it to me for salad. Try a piece of overshoe, with a bone in it,

c 2

Pedes Bad Boy.

for my beefsteak, likely. Give your poor old father a slice of rubber bib in place of tripe to-morrow, I expect. Boil me a rubber water-bag for apple-dumplings pretty soon, if I don't look out. There ! You go and split the kindling wood." Twas ever thus. A boy can't have any fun now days.

Chapter III. The Bad Boy's Fourth Of July

I\i is a Pointer not a Setter — Special Arrangements for the Fourth of July — A Grand Supply of Fireworks — The Explosion — The Air full of Pa and Dog and Rockets — A Scene that beggars Description.

" How long do you think it will be before your father will be able to come down to the office ? " asked the druggist of the bad boy as he was buying some arnica and court plaster.

" O, the doc. says he could come down now if he would on some street where there were no horses to scare," said the boy as he bought some gum, " but he says he ain't in no hurry to come down till his hair grows out, and he gets some new clothes made. Say, do you wet this court plaster and stick it on ? "

The druggist told him how the court plaster worked, and then asked him if his Pa couldn't ride down town.

'• Ride down ? well, I guess nix. He would have to set down if he rode down town, and Pa is no setter this trip, he is a pointer. That's where the pin-wheel struck him."

"Well, how did it all happen?" asked the drugget, as he wrapped a yellow paper over the bottle of arnica, and twisted the ends, and then helped the boy stick the strip of court plaster on his nose.

" Nobody knows how it happened but Pa, and when I

22 Pedes Bad Boy.

come near to ask him about it he feels around his nightshirt where his pistol-pocket would be if it was pants he had on, and tells me to leave his sight forever, and I leave too, quick. You see he is afraid I will get hurt every 4th of July, and he told me if I wouldn't fire a fire-cracker all day he would let me get four dollars' worth of nice fireworks, and he would fire them off for me in the evening in the back yard. I promised, and he gave me the money and I bought a dandy lot of fireworks, and don't you forget it. I had a lot of rockets and Roman candles, and six pinwheels, and a lot of nigger-chasers, and some of these cannon fire-crackers, and torpedoes, and a box of parlour matches. I took them home and put the package in our big stuffed chair and put a newspaper over them.

" Pa always takes a nap in that stuffed chair after dinner, and he went into the sitting room and I heard him driving our poodle dog out of the chair, and heard him ask the dog what he was a-chewing, and just then the explosion took place, and we all rushed in there. I tell you what I honestly think. I think lhat dog was chewing that box of parlour matches. This kind that pop so when you step on them. Pa was just going to set down when the whole air was filled with dog, and Pa, and rockets, and everything. When I got in there Pa had a sofa pillow trying to put the dog out, and in the meantime Pa's linen pants were a-fire. I grabbed a pail of this indigo water that they had been rinsing clothes with and throwed it on Pa, or there wouldn't have been a place on him biggern a sixpence that wasn't burnt, and then he threw a camp-chair at me and told me to go to — the new place they have got up in the revised edition for bad boys. When Pa's trousers were out his coat-tail blazed up and a Roman candle was firing blue and red balls at his legs, and a rocket got into his white vest. The scene beggared description, like the Racine

The Bad Boys Fourth of July. 2 o fire. A nigger-chaser got after Ma and treed her on top of the sofa, and another one took after a girl that Ma invited to dinner, and burnt one of her stockings so she had to wear one of Ma's stockings, a good deal too big for her, home. After things got a little quiet, and we opened the doors and windows to let out the smoke and the smell of burnt dog hair, and Pa's whiskers, the big fire-crackers began to go off, and a policeman came to the door and asked what was the matter, and Pa told him to go along with me to that place, but I don't want to go there with a policeman. It would give me dead away. Well, there was nobody hurt much but the dog and Pa. I felt awful sorry for the dog. He hasn't got hair enough to cover hisself. Pa didn't have much hair anyway, except by the ears, but he thought a good deal of his whiskers, 'cause they wasn't very grey. Say, couldn't you send this arnachy up to the house ? This is the last 4th of July you catch me celebrating. I am going to work in a glue factory, where nobody will ever come to see me."

And the boy went out to pick up some squib fire-crackers, that had failed to explode, in front of the drug store.

'A

CHAPTER IV 'the bad boy's ma comes home

No Deviltry, only a little Fun — The Bad Boy's Chum — A Lady's Wardrobe in the Old Man's Room — Ma's unexpected Arrival — Where is the Huzzy? — " Damfino ! " — The Bad Boy wants to Travel with a Circus.

" When is your ma coming back ? " asked the grocer)' man, of the bad boy, as he found him standing on the sidewalk when the grocery was opened in the morning, taking some pieces of brick out of his coat-tail pockets.

" O, she got back at midnight, last night," said the boy, as he ate a few blue berries out of a case. " That's what makes me up so early, Pa has been kicking at these pieces of brick with his bare feet, and when I came away he had his toes in his hand and was trying to go back up stairs on one foot. Pa hain't got no sense."