Peck's bad boy abroad

Front matter

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A

Peck’s Bad Boy Abroad.

Chapter XIV

The Bad Boy and His Dad Have an Automobile Ride — They Run Over a Peasant — Climb “ Glaziers ” — Dad Falls Over a Precipice, But Is Rescued by the Guides After a Hard Time of It 169

Chapter XX

The Bad Boy Tells About the Land of the Czar and the Trouble They Had to Get There — Dad Does a Stunt and Mixes It Up with the People and Soldiers 240

CHAPTER XXL

Dad Sees a Russian Revolution and Faints — The Bad Boy Arranges a Wolf Hunt — Dad Threatens to Throw the Boy to the Wolves 252

Chapter XXIX

The Bad Boy Writes from Brussels — He and Dad See the Field of Waterloo and Call on King Leopold, and Dad and the King Go in for a Swim — The Bad Boy, a Dog

and Some Goats Do the Rest 354

Chapter Xxxviii

The Bad Boy and the Groceryman Illustrate the Russia- Japane'se War — The Bad Boy Tells About Dad’s Efforts to Raise Hair by the “Sunshine” Method 400

ILLUSTRATIONS.

“Don’t shoot! gentlemen, please” IQ

Believes the doctors left a monkey wrench in him 25

Went out just ahead of the old man’s shoe 27

Labeled his Dad’s valise 3 1

“ He began to dance all around the platform ” 37

“ I thought I would bust when Dad fished out a nickel and

gave it to the porter” 4 1

The President began to curl up his lip and show his teeth. ... 45

“I was starting to give him a swift punch” 47

“ You couldn’t look through that fence at what remains of the Father of His Country without thinking good things ”..50

“I slipped it down the back of Dad’s pants” 57

“The waiter brought Dad the check” 63

Wanted Dad to cash a check because the bank was closed. ... 67 And then the night-watchman came in with the house policeman and choked Dad off 71

“I’m sorry about Dad, cause he holds more than I do, and

he is slow about giving up meals he paid for” 74

“ Started in to make a speech, thanking his fellow-countrymen for coming to see him off” 78

Dad got on his knees and said : “Now I lay me ” 94

“Do you mean to tell me you stood around and let Richard

kill those princes?” 98

The Beef- Eaters’ Stampede 105

“Everyone in Oshkosh said was out of sight and was good

enough for any King” 109

Dad and King Edward settling the Irish Question 113

Dad sang “My Country, ’Tis of Thee,” and the King sang

“God Save the King” 117

“Went over backwards and struck on his pants” 119

Call again, Mr. Duval; always glad to serve any of the descendants of the heroes 124

A policeman fished Dad out of the ditch 126

Dad drove the Dukes out 131

Looked at Dad in a tone of voice that meant trouble 134

And now he coughs up a tip every time he sees a servant look

at him 139

“Don’t cry, dear; I won’t hurt the little runt” 141

The waiter was waiting for his money, and Dad tried to explain he had been buncoed 144

I put a big red badge on Dad’s breast with the word “ Bishop ”

on it 149

Dad was a sight when we found him in jail 151

Dad went up to her, took out a five-dollar bill, and put it in

the tambourine of the lassie .* 155

Dad and the man from Dakota going to break the Bank 158

“ Began to dance like they had seen the people dance at the

show where they had passed the evening” 160

There was to be some fun besides the winning of money, because they talked of going out in the park and on the terraces — and seeing the poor devils who had gone broke

commit suicide 162

He would reach out to Dad for more money, and Dad would

reach into another pocket and dig up another roll 167

Started in on a Democratic speech 171

Dad got down on his knees 174

Dad dropped about a hundred feet with the rope on him.... 177

Dad and the Anarchists reveled till almost morning 182

“ Dad coughed up over $40 the first day, j ust giving to

beggars” 185

One yell in the English language, and one in Eyetalian. * . . . .187

“Then you don’t blame your little boy, do you?” 191

Dad pointed out of the window toward Vesuvius 195

And I threw a pail of ashes over the fence 198

“And the man rolled Dad over and he was a sight” 202

It was a picture to see Dad “go up Old Baldhead” 206

And she was stroking his hair 209

Her husband pulled a long, blue gun 212

“Dad’s tongue was run out and he was yelling for water ”...215

II

“ When I put my arm around her and kissed her on the

pouting lips it brought on a revolution” 219

What Dad wanted to see 222

“ I fell and pushed Dad and he went over in the sand and

struck his pants on a cactus” 225

“ You’d a died to see Dad take the lead for good old Rome .227

“I had to kiss anybody they brought to me” 230

“Say, for awhile Dad dassent go up” 233

Told Dad if he didn’t stay where he belonged he would

break him up into bones and throw him on a pile 238

Told Dad that Nicholas just doted on Americans 242

Shaking dice for our money 245

A Cossack rode right up to him and lashed him over the

back 248

Dad stood up in the sledge and looked back 257

And piled us out on top of Dad 259

“ My God, we are pursued by a pack of ravenous wolves, and

there is no help for us ” 261

When Dad put his hand on her shoulder 266

Get out, you hounds! 270

Another Turk took me by the ear and stretched it out 273

The President said he must bring his folks 277

He was just getting warmed up to “Balance to Partners .281

Of all the stampedes you ever saw 287

It takes nine baths to get down to American Epidermis 292

Like a frog on a pond lily leaf 296

Started on a stampede 299

Wanted him to pay for the camel 304

I was ashamed of Dad myself 307

Dad is disguised as a shiek 31 1

The natives look at it and keep away from the Bank 317

Dad got up on his hind legs and sang so loud you would

think he would split hisself 321

He handed her a five-dollar gold piece and went out doors for

a breath of fresh air 327

Dad started to run for the fence 331

The King got one piece of the cayenne pepper candy 335

Tossed him over the fence 337

Every man smiles or laughs out loud 341

So this is the champion Little Devil of America 345

Dad and Emperor William stood scratching themselves 349

Dad leaned against a lamppost and scratched his back 352

“Began to sell Dad relics of the Battle of Waterloo” 356

“ The King began to peel off his clothes and Dad took off

“I’ll swim you a match to the other side,” said the King 363

“When the goats began to chew the clothes I took the dog

and went back” 366

“More fun than I ever had outside of a circus” 370

“ And the dog got up and grabbed a mouthful of Dad’s ample

pants” 374

Any woman could whip four men at the drop of the hat 376

“Dog does kinder act as though he had something on his

mind” 383

“Jerusalem, but you are a sight,” said the old groceryman. .392

Dad said, “Good shot, Hennery” 394

“It rained bananas and the Dago came down on his head”. .397 “ The farmer had grabbed hold of a wire sign across the

street” 400

“ Hennery, this attempt on your part to murder me was not

the success you expected” 402

“ Dad sat in the parlor with a widow until the porter had to

tell him to cut it out” 406

“I got a gambler to look cross at Dad” 409

“Dad was up on a limb and the wild animals were jumping

up to eat his shoes” 411

“ Dad was up on a limb praying, his gun on the ground and

his coat-tails chewed by the wild pigs” 413

“ Hennery, I feel as though your Dad was not long for this

world ” 4 t 8

Dad among the Cowboys 421

“Dad began to pose as a regular old Rough Rider” 423

Dad on a bucking broncho 426

“That’s a Prairie Dog from Texas” 430

“Dad heard something at night and rose up in bed” 432

“Dad stepped on my prarie dog and yelled murder” 434

“We left under escort of the police” 436

“Arrest that boy with the rattlesnake,” said the groceryman. .442

“Each oyster was as big as a pie plate” 445

Landed with his head in a basket of strictly fresh eggs 451

“You ought to have seen Dad’s short legs carry him to a

tree” 455

“ Studied the bears for awhile and let Dad yell for the police ”458

Come to present arms 461

When the fireworks went off in the grocery 463

“ Dad said if Rockefeller could raise hair by the sunshine method, he could” 469

Peck’s Bad Boy Abroad.

PECK’S BAD BOY ABROAD.

Chapter I

The Bad Boy and His Chum Call on the Old Groceryman After Being Away at School — The Bad Boy’s Dad in a Bad Way.

The bad boy had been away to school, but the illness of his father had called him home, and for some weeks he had been looking about the old town. He had found few of his old friends. His father had recovered somewhat from his illness, and one day he met his old chum, a boy of his own age. The bad boy and the chum got busy at once, talking over the old times that tried the souls of the neighbors and finally the bad boy asked about the old groceryman, and found that the old man still held out at the old stand, with the same old stock of groceries, and they decided to call upon him, and surprise him. So after it began to be dark they entered the store, and found the old groceryman sitting on a cracker box by the stove, stroking the back of an old maltese cat that had a yellow streak on the back, where it had been singed by crawling under the red-hot stove. As

1 7 the boys entered the store the cat raised its back, its tail became as large as a rolling pin, and the cat began to spit, while the old groceryman held up both hands and said :

“ Don’t shoot, please, but one of you go behind the counter and take what there is in the cash drawer, while the other one can reach into my pistol pocket and release my pocketbook. This is the fifth time I have been held up this year, and I have got so if I am not held up about so often I can’t sleep nights.”

“ O, put down your hands and straighten out that cat’s back,” said the bad boy, as he slapped the old groceryman on the back so hard his spine cracked like a frozen sidewalk. “ Don’t you know us, you old geezer? We are the only and original Peck’s Bad Boy and his Chum, come to life, and ready for business,” and the two boys danced a jig on the floor, covered an inch thick with the spilled sugar of years ago, the molasses that had strayed from barrel, and the general refuse of the dirty place, which had become as hard as asphalt.

“ O, dear, it is worse than I thought,” said the old groceryman as he laughed a hysterical laugh through the long whiskers, and he hugged the boys as though he had a liking for them, notwithstanding the suffering they had caused him. “ By gosh, I thought you were nothing but common robbers, who just wanted my money. You are old friends, and can have the whole place/' and he poured some milk into a basin for the cat, but

Don't shoot! gentlemen , please.

the animal only looked at the two boys as though she knew them, and watched them to see what was coming next.

The bad boy looked around the old grocery, 19 which had not changed a particle during the time he had been away, the same old box of petrified prunes, the dried apples that could not be cut with a hatchet, the canned stuff on the shelves had become so old that the labels had curled up and fallen off, so it must have been a guess with the old groceryman whether he was selling a can of peas or tomatoes, and the old fellow standing there as though the world had gone off and left him, as his customers had.

“ Well, wouldn’t this skin you,” said the bad boy, as he took up a dried prune and tried to crack it with a hatchet on a two-pound weight, turning to his chum who was stroking the singed hair of the old cat the wrong way. “ Say, old man, you ought to get a hustle on you. Why don’t you clean out this shebang, and put in a new stock of goods, and have clerks with white aprons on, and a girl bookkeeper, and goods that people will buy and eat and not get sick? There is a grocery down street that is as clean as a whistle, and I notice all your old customers go there. Why don’t you keep up with the times? ”

“ O, I ain’t running a dude place,” said the old man, as he took a piece of soft coal and put it in the old round stove, and wiped the black off his hands on his trousers. “ I am trying to get rid of my customers. I have got money enough to live on, and I just stay here waiting for the old cat to die. I have only got six customers left, and one of them has got pneumonia, and is going to die, then there will be only five. When they are all gone I shall sit here by the stove until the end comes. There is nothing doing now to keep me awake, since you boys quit getting me mad. Say, boys, do you know, I haven't been real mad since you quit coming here. The only fun I have had is swearing at my customers when they stick up their noses at my groceries. It's the funniest thing, when I tell an old customer that if they don't like my goods they can go plum to thunder, they get mad and go somewhere else to trade. Times must be changing. Years ago, the more I abused customers the more they liked it, and I just charged the goods to them with a pencil on a piece of brown wrapping paper. I had four cracker boxes full of brown wrapping paper with things charged on the paper against customers, but when anybody wanted to pay their account it made my head ache to find it, and so one day I balanced my books by using the brown wrapping paper to kindle the fire. If you ever want to get even with the world, easy, just pour a little kerosene on your accounts, and put them in the stove.

I have never been so free from worry as I have since I balanced my books in the stove. Well, I suppose yoti have come home on account of your dad’s sickness,” said the old groceryman, turning to the bad boy, who had written a sign, “ The Morgue,” and pinned it on the window. “ I understand your dad had an operation performed on him in a hospital. What did the doctors take out of him? ”

“ Dad had an operation all right,” said the bad boy, “ but he is not as much interested in what they took out of him, as what he thinks they left in. They said they removed his appendix, and I guess they did, for dad showed me the bill the doctors rendered. The bill was big enough so they might have taken out a whole lot more. If I had been home I would never have let him be cut into, but ma insisted that he must have an operation. She said all the men on our street, and all that moved in our set, had had operations, and she was ashamed to go out in society and be forced to admit that dad never had an operation. She told dad that he could afford it better than half the people that had operations, and that a scar criss-cross on the stomach was a badge of honor. ' He never got a scar in the army, and she simply would not be able to look people in the face unless dad was operated on. Dad always was subject to stomach ache, but until appendicitis became fashionable he had always taken a mess of pills, and come out all right, but ma diagnosed the case the last time he was doubled up like a jack-knife, and dad was hustled off to the hospital, and they didn’t do a thing to him.

“ He told me about it since I came home, and now he lays the whole thing to ma, and I have to stand between them. He is going to get even with ma, though. The first time she complains of anything going on inside of her works, he is going to send her right to a hospital and have the doctors do their worst. Dad said to me, says he :

“ ‘ Hennery, if you ever feel anything like a caucus being held inside you, don’t you ever go to a hospital, but just swallow a stick of dynamite and light the fuse, then there won’t be anything left inside to bother you afterwards. When I got to the hospital they stripped me for a prize fight, put me on a table made of glass, and rolled me into the operating room, gave me chloroform and when they thought I was all in, they took an axe and chopped me. I could feel every blow, and it is a wonder they left enough of your old dad for you to hug when you came home.’

“ Say, it is kind of pitiful to hear dad talk about the things they left in him.”

“ What things does he think they left in him,” asked the old groceryman, as he looked frightened, and felt of his stomach, as though he mistrusted there might be something wrong with him, too.

“ O, dad has been reading in the papers about doctors that perform operations leaving sponges, forceps, and things inside of patients, when they close up the place, and since dad has got pretty fussy since his operation he thinks they left something in him. Some days he thinks they left a roll of cotton batting, or a pillow, or a bale of hay, but when there is a sharp pain inside he thinks they left a carving knife, but for a week he has settled down to the belief that the doctors left a monkey wrench in him, and he is just daffy on that subject. Says he can feel it turning around, as though it was miscrewing machinery, and he wants to consult a new doctor every day as to what he can take to dissolve a monkey wrench, so it will pass off through the blood and pores of the skin. He has taken it into his head that nothing will save his life except to travel all over the country, and the world. I am to go with him to look after him.

Believes the doctors left a monkey wrench in him.

j

T

“ By ginger, it’s great ! Just think of it. Traveling all over the world and nothing to do but nurse my old dad who thinks he is filled with hardware and carpenter’s tools. Gee ! but I wish you could go,” said the bad boy, as he put him arm around his chum. “ Maybe we wouldn’t make these foreigners sit up and take an interest in something besides Royalty and Riots.”

“ Well,” said the groceryman, “ they will have my sympathy with you alone over there.”

“ But before you start on the road with your monkey-wrench show, you come in here and let me put up a package of those prunes to take along. They will keep in any climate, and there is nothing better for iron in the blood, such as your dad has, than prunes. Call again, bub, and we will arrange for you to write to your chum from all the places you go with your dad, and he can come in here and read the letters to me and the cat.”

“ All right, old Father Time,” said the bad boy, as he drew a mug of cider out of the vinegar barrel, and took a swallow. “ But what you want to do is to get a road scraper and drive a team through this grocery, and clean the floor,” and the boys went out just ahead of the old man’s arctic overshoes, as he kicked at them, and then

Went out just ahead of the old man’s shoe.

he went back and sat down by the stove and stroked the cat, which had got its back down level again, after its old enemies had gone down the street, throwing snowballs at the driver of a hearse.

“ It is a solemn occupation to drive a hearse,” said the bad boy.

“ Not so solemn as riding inside,” said the chum.

CHAPTER 1 1.

The Bad Boy and His Dad Ready for Their Travels —

The Bad Boy Labels the Old Man’s Suit Case — How the Cowboys Made Him Dance Once.

The old groceryman was in front of the grocery, bent over a box of rutabagas, turning the decayed sides down to make the possible customer think all was not as bad as it might be, when a shrill whistle down the street attracted his attention. Pie looked in the direction from which it came, and saw the bad boy coming with a suit case in one hand and a sole leather hat box in the other, and the old man went in the store to say a silent prayer, and to lay a hatchet and an ax handle where he could reach them if the worst came.

“ Well, you want to get a good look at me now,” said the bad boy, as he dropped the valise on the floor, and put the hat box on the counter, “ for it will be months and maybe years, before you see me again.”

“ Oh, joy!” said the old groceryman, as he heaved a sigh, and tried to look sorry. “ What is it, reform school, or have the police ordered you out of town ? I have felt it coming for a long time. This is the only town you could have plied your vocation so long in and not been pulled. Where are you going with the dude suit case and the hat box? ”

“ Oh, dad has got a whole mess more diseases, and the doctors had a conversation over him Sunday, and they say he has got to go away again, right now, and that a sea voyage will brace him up and empty him out so medicine over in Europe can get in its work and strengthen him so he can start back after a while and probably die on the way home, and be buried at sea. Dad says he will go, for he h^d rather die at sea than on land, ’cause they don’t have to have any trouble about a funeral, ’cause all they do is to sew a man up in a piece of cloth, tie a sack of coal to his feet, slide him off a board, and he goes kerplunk down into the salt water about a mile, and stands there on his feet and makes the whales and sharks think he is a new kind of fish.”

“ Gee ! but that is a programme that appeals to me as sort of uncanny,” said the old man. “ Is your dad despondent over the outlook? What new disease has he got ? ”

“ All of ’em,” said the boy, as he took a label off a tomato can and pasted it on the end of the

Labeled his Dad's valise.

suit case. “ You take an almanac and read about all the diseases that the medicine advertised in the almanac cures, and dad has got the whole lot of them, nervous prostration, rheumatism, liver trouble, stomach busted, lungs congested, diaphragm turned over, heart disease, bronchitis, corns, bunions, every darn thing a man can catch without costing him anything. But he is not despondent. He just thinks it is an evidence of genius, and a certificate of standing in society and wealth. He argues that the poor people who have only one disease are not in it with statesmen and scholars. Oh, he is all right. He thinks if he goes to Europe all knocked out, he will class with emperors and dukes. Oh, since he had that operation and had his appendix chopped out, he thinks there is a bond of sympathy between him and King Edward that will cause him to be invited to be the guest of royalty. He is just daffy,” and the bad boy took a sapolio label out of a box and pasted it on the other end of the valise.

“ What in thunder and lightning are you pasting those labels on your valise for?” said the old man, as the boy reached for a Quaker oats label and a soap advertisement and pasted them on.

“ Oh, dad said he wished he had some foreign labels of hotels and things on his valise, to make fellow travelers believe he had been abroad before, and I told him I could fix it all right. You see, if I paste things all over the valise he will think it is all right, ’cause he is near sighted,” and the boy pasted on a label for 37 varieties of pickles, and then put on an advertisement for hair restorer on the hat box.

“ Say, here’s a fine one, this malted milk label, with a New Jersey cow on the corner,” said the old man, as he began to take interest in the boy’s talent as an artist. “ And here, try one of these green pea can labels, and the pork and beans legend, and the only soap. Say, if you and your dad don’t create a sensation from the minute you take the train till you get back, you can take it out of my wages. When are you going? ”

“ To-morrow night,” said the boy, as he put more labels on the hat box, and stood off and looked at them with the eye of an artist. “We go to New York first to stay a few days and see things, and then we take a steamer and sail away, and the sicker dad is the more time I will have to fill up on useful nollig.”

“ Hennery,” said the old groceryman, as his chin trembled, and a tear came to his eye. “ I want to ask you a favor. At times, when you have been unusually mean, I have thought I hated you, but when I have said something ugly to you, and have laid awake all night regretting it, it has occurred to me that you were about the best friend I had. I think it makes an old man forget his years, to be chummy with a live boy, full of ginger, and I do like you, condemn you, and I can’t help it. Now I want you to write me every little while, on your trip, and I will read your letters to the customers here in the store, who will be lonely until they can hear that you are dead. The neighbors will come in to read your letters, and it will bring me custom. Will you write to me, boy, and pour out your heart to me, and tell me of the different troubles you get your dad into, for surely you cannot help finding trouble over there if you go hunting for it. Promise me, boy.”

“ You bet your life I will, old pard,” said the v bad boy. “ I shall have to have some escape valve to keep from busting. I was going to write to my chum, but he is in love with a telephone girl, and he don’t take any time for pleasure. I will write-you about every dutch and duchess we meet, 'every prince and pauper, and everything. You watch my smoke, and you will think there is a train afire. I hope dad will try and restrain himself from wanting to fight everybody that belongs to any country but America. He has bought one of these little silk American flags to wear in his button hole, and he swears if anybody looks cross-eyed at that flag he will simply cut his liver out, and toast it on a fork, and eat it. He makes me tired, and I know there is going to be troubled