Agnes Waring. An autobiography. Edited [or rather written] by the author of 'Kate Vernon'

Front matter

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Chapter I

The marriage ceremony was performed at mid day, and a banquet ensued, whereat such pret tily expressed good wishes were showered on the new married pair as, if but half fulfilled, would have left not a cloud on the horizon of their future. Then, as Mons. de Lille's seignory was eighteen or nineteen miles distant, the painful moment of parting came all too quickly. "When Marie appeared in her travelling dress, the Avhole company rose and stood round her and VOL. III. B AGNES AVARING. her husband, and Mr. Earle with simple solem nity and a perceptible tender tremulousness blessed them both. The mother and sister next embraced them, and all crowded round with another storm of congratulations and wishes, and they were gone; a croAvd at the door cheered them lustily, and then a moment's pause ensued ; Mrs. Earle had disappeared, Mr. Earle Avas gazing from the window; there Avas the usual hesitation what to do next now the great event Avas over, which young Victor happily - ended by exclaiming loudly, " You will dance with me to night, dear Madame Malcolm ; you cannot refuse to dance at Marie's wedding."

I could not in truth refuse without seeming most peculiar, nor did I feel as usual supersti tiously averse — my Avhite dress was in character Avith my feelings. So I accepted poor Victor, to his evident joy, and as some musicians had been brought from a distant village, the large hall was appropriated to a general dance, in which master and men, ladies and servants all joined. I figured with my friend, the ex-courrier des bois, and found a most persevering partner in Mr. Frank Dawson, who paid me a sufficient number of compliments to have set up a dozen men as heiress hunters. And so in mirth and dancing, song and revelry — simple, hearty, joyous revelry — the hours fled away. What though the mother swallowed some tears, she consoled herself in thinking she had gained another son, and smiled upon the gaiety of her guests.

The father Avas grave all through. His earnest nature was too deeply affected by the morning's ceremonial to be readily attuned to the evening's merriment. Frank DaAvson and Father Mahony Avere the principal promoters of the revelry, from which Madame and I escaped shortly after midnight, and so ended the wedding at Oakdale. I give but a faint sketch of this interesting and original family. To a more powerful pen they Avould offer a mine of characteristic pecu- B liarity. To me they are dear friends; not the dramatis personœ of a tale. Yet I wish I could fix upon the page their colour and form : something of the freshness with which my resi dence among them seemed to imbue my spirit; and that I could thus catch a ray wherewith to brighten the quiet course of my story. For nearly a week after the wedding Oakdale Avas still the scene of festivity, but the guests Avere gradually departing.

As to Frank Dawson, he found the dancing, &c, so delightful, that he almost lived on the road between " Liberty Hall," Avhere the presence of a master Avas much needed, and Mr. Earle's hospitable mansion. Having once broken through my rule, I was, of course, obliged to dance occasionally ; and strange as such levity must appear, I really en joyed it greatly. To dance at Oakdale, and in a crowded party, Avas totally different. I had finished a contredanse with Frank Dawson one evening, and he was telling me how he intended to start at day break for Liberty AGNES AA'ARING. 5 Hall, in order to return in time for our evening's amusement. "You have wonderful energy, Mr. DaAvson," said I ; " forty miles on horseback over such a road is rather a higli price to pay for a dance." "Not Avith you, faith!" he exclaimed.

"But Avhen I was in Australia I thought nothing of fifty or sixty." " Have you been in Australia then?" "Oh, yes: I lost every shilling there three years ago, and came back with a doubt on my mind which I'd do — 'list, or marry an heiress ; — ■ desperate alternatives. But an obliging old aunt, — the most conscientious woman I ever met, — died, and left me a few thousands ; so I thought I'd try Canada. It's a pleasant place, and I fancy I'd get on if " "If what, Mr. DaAvson?" " If there Avas some angel of a Avonian who'd take compassion on me, or an interest in me." " In short, a second edition of your aunt, eh?" " Ah ! Mrs. Malcolm, you are too hard on me, sure. I'm the last man to care for money with a wife." " Money is a very necessary thing, hoAvever," I returned, anxious to break off the conversation, and thinking no more of it.

Mr. Frank Dawson, however, did not return the next day nor the next, and on the evening of the third various conjectures were hazarded as to the cause of his absence. George Earle, the second son, volunteered to ride over and see what had become of him. I could not sleep that night, yet the heat was already sensibly diminished, nevertheless I felt oppressed and restless. I had been quite carried out of myself by the contagious festivity around me. I had not for more than three or four years ventured to be so gay, and my natural disposi tion is to be cheerful. Now my spirits, recoiling from such an unwonted stretch, sank beneath their usual level, and the solemn past rose up re bukingly before me in the stillness of night. I retraced my life, wondering at my oavii levity. How vividly I saAv Reginald Leigh as he appeared to me when I returned Avith Arthur from my ride the first day Ave ever met, and that first ball !

I longed to see him again ; to read in his eyes whether he connected my sudden swoon at Airs. Longmore's with the picture of Chamouni. To watch his watchfulness, and above all, to in dulge the long deferred delight of hearing my OAvn story, so far as he knew it, from his lips. To hear of himself as gay, bright, happy, fearless, the cherished darling of a home. Oh ! for courage to tell him all. For no one could feel for me as he could; to others I might describe all I had lost; he knew it — he had seen my father and mother, and poor unhappy Arthur. As I thought of my brother, and the agonies I had endured on his account, there flashed across my mind a sudden unaccountable recollection of Avhat Frank Dawson had told me of the young man avIio anticipated such a joyous meeting with his sister, and an intense curiosity seized me to learn his name.

Frank Dawson said he had also been in Australia! Oh, gracious Heavens ! could the invalid he so kindly nursed, have been my poor dear Arthur? I almost sprank from my bed. How was it that I had not thought of this before ! How was it I had let precious hours go by and never returned to his promised story ! The remainder of the night I spent in fevered tossing or painful dreams. How I longed for morning; and when it came, with what eager haste I donned my clothes, forgetting that no speed of mine would bring me nearer the explanation I longed for with such agonised intensity. I started at my own countenance in the glass — it was so wildly disturbed — and the sight restored me to myself. I could not possibly encounter the family with so scared a face. I struggled to calm myself. I prayed long and fervently, and gradually became tranquil.

An old gentleman, cousin to Mrs. Earle, and his two daughters, Avere the only guests now re maining, and they Avere to leave after breakfast. I listened eagerly for the arrangements of the day, not daring to express my anxiety that Frank DaAvson should be recalled. I therefore heard Avith deep regret that both the young Earle's were to escort the departing guests half way on the road. No one seemed to remember the intention George had expressed of riding to Liberty Hall. So I sat pondering on the probable delay that Avould occur before I could solve my doubts, and striving to be patient. At last I felt it would be better to be busy, and proposed to Eleanor that we should commence our readings and music that morning. She thankfully assented. The day passed over sooner than I expected, but towards evening I felt an acces of gnaAving restlessness that drove me forth alone — I escaped even my constant attendant Victor — and throAv ing a scarf over my head, wandered mechani cally to the fountain.

I sat down by its brink, B AGNES AA"ARING. thinking over all Frank had said about his friend's presentiment. I felt strangely nervous, and could scarce repress a scream when Air. DaAvson suddenly addressed me in his rich brogue. " Is it here you are, Mrs. Malcolm, all alone? It was a lucky thought sent me down here. I could see no one in the parlour or any where, so I thought I would try the fountain — a fountain of joy it is to me when I find you beside it." " But what has become of you these three or four days Air. Dawson? We have been organi sing a strict search for you. Mr. George Earle Avas to have headed one, and " " Faith !" he returned, " nothing short of the duties of hospitality would have kept me from Oakdale. I found a queer little chap just arrived at Liberty Hall, he says he's a fourth cousin of my mother's, so of course I was obliged to stay and listen to his stories, till, in despair, I left him in possession, and rode off on ' most particular business.' " After exchanging a few queries as to news, &c, I ventured to approach the topic upper most in my thoughts, as I was particularly anxious that Mr. Frank Dawson should have no other listener than myself. • I did not much fear his scrutiny.

" Do you remember the last evening Ave Avere here, Mr. DaAvson? You promised me a story about a fellow traveller of yours avIio " " Oh ! I recollect a queer poor felloAv that was ahvays afraid to hope. Well it's curious enough, Airs. Alalcolm; I've been intending to tell you about him tAventy times, for though I can't say you are like him, you've a look sometimes that reminds me of him. I Avas a long time thinking who it was you reminded me of, but at last I hit on it. It is nearly three years ago since I sailed from Sidney for Bris tol ; Ave had a large number of passengers, and my attention Avas directed to a very gentleman like young fellow, who was, I think, the only one among us who had nothing with him in the shape of provisions or comforts of any kind to add to the scanty stock allowed to second cabin passengers; he drank nothing but water, never smoked — in short, lived on the ship's allowance ; nevertheless, he was a pleasant, sociable chap, ready to talk, and could talk well.

We pulled together uncommonly ; he would sometimes take a drop from my sea store, not as often as I wished; he'd a cough, and I think when we came round Cape Horn he had not enough Avarm clothing, for he got very bad, and spit blood. Then it was I amused myself acting nurse, and we became very thick. He was never tired telling me how bitterly disappointed he had been in Sidney; poor fellow! he had evidently not been intended to rough it; and then he'd blaze away about all his sister Avould do for him Avhen he arrived in England. How he seemed to cling to her ; she used to get him out of all his scrapes with his father, he said." "And his name?" I asked in a low eager voice. " Oh, Waring — Arthur Waring. Well, Avhen we landed at Bristol he Avas very nervous and shaky, but on the Avhole, hopeful.

I made him come to my hotel — a humble one, and from that he wrote to his sister. I suspect he had not a rap in the world. Well, the day but one after he broke into my room radiant with joy; his sister had written to him, had sent him money, perhaps would send more, perhaps she would come down herself to him from London. ' What has become of the presentiments, my boy?' said I to him. Do you knoAv he quite clouded over ; however, he brightened up almost immediately, and away he Avent to buy clothes — such elegant shirts and superfine pocket handkerchiefs, and then he was hard up again; for the sister did not come, nor write even for a while, and then he got a letter that knocked him up terribly. The landlord Avas eager for his bill, but poor Waring would neither give his sister's name nor address; he got into a terrible state; he began to doubt his sister. 'Young and beautiful as she is,' he used to cry tAventy times a day, " she AGNES AVARING. could do anything Avith her husband; if she forgets me, I've nothing to hope on earth.' I strove to cheer him, for I was sure myself the sister Avould act right.

At last I found he was absolutely starving himself, for he kept away from me in his own room. I persuaded him out of that, but it Avas a cruel thing to see Iioav glad he was when night closed in that another day was gone, and perhaps the morning's post Avould bring him a letter. One morning, feeling anxious to knoAv hoAv the poor fellow was I opened the door rather suddenly ; he started up looking wildly, and exclaimed : ' You have a letter for me ! ' I shook my head, and he sunk back, a torrent of blood flowing from his mouth ; that finished him — he died in three days after. I wish he had died on board ship, poor creature, he'd have had more comfort and compassion. As it was, the landlord behaved like a brute; he feared to lose his money. I was not rich enough to command respect, and to the last the poor felloAv kept moaning: 'No letter, no letter!

AGNES AA'ARING. forgotten, forgotten!' He literally died of it; but he managed to scrawl a feAV lines— no doubt fierce enough — to his sister, before he died. I directed them for him. Just before he Avent off, he opened his eyes, smiled on me, and said, ' God bless you, Frank! You at least have stuck by me.' I Avas obliged to hurry on directly I had closed his eyes ; I had delayed too long already, but the morning I started a letter came contain ing money and an address, so, I suppose the landlord saw to the funeral. So much for pre sentiments, Airs. Malcolm." Oh ! what had I not endured Avhile listening to this history ; my oavii brother, who Avas dearer to me than myself, ebbing aAvay, while I Avas poAverless to save him one pang. I threw myself on the ground, careless, in my agony, what Mr. DaAvson might think or suspect.

I sobbed wildly; in vain I struggled to speak to my terrified and astonished companion. " For God's sake, Avhat have I said, Airs. Alalcolm ? Let me hold you up ; I wish some of the Avomen would come here." I broke from him, and kneeling by the fountain dashed the water over my head and face. At last I could speak faintly, brokenly : " Mr. Dawson, you are surprised ; but a dear relative of mine Avas once situated as you describe your unfortunate friend, and your story has affected me poAverfully, as you see. One thing I implore of you — give me your word of honour not to mention my emotion to anyone." " Faith, I'd cut my tongue out before I'd say a word to mortal; you may depend your life on me. Are you better now?" " Oh, yes; yet stay, I cannot go to the house till I am more composed," and again I burst into tears.

" Mr. Dawson, the good God will bless you for the kindness you showed to that unfortunate young man." " Is it me. Oh ! I did but little for him, all I could do was but a trifle." " But," I exclaimed, " the sister ! do you not think her a Avretch?" " I don't knoAv; it was a mysterious affair." " Do you remember her name?" "Right well: 'Mrs. Millar, G Square, London:' that Avas her name and address." " And," I cried, impelled by I know not what, " that was the name and address of a lady who perished tAvo summers ago in the glacier near Chamouni, it is supposed by her own will—" " You don't say so — that is stranger than all : but I'm more anxious to see you safe back in the house than about anything else. Come, take my arm, and trust me the ghost of a Avord good nor bad shan't escape my lips about your crying.

Faith, I'm inclined to call myself out for bring ing a tear to your beautiful eyes." Wonderful as such self-command may appear, I nerved myself to join the family circle that evening. I dreaded rousing the suspicions of Frank Dawson, Avho, too thoughtless and careless for much penetration, had exactly the degree of intellectual and imaginative quickness that Avould lead him like lightning on a track that other and colder minds Avould neglect, or reject as impro bable. I therefore nerved myself to talk and act as usual. Nor was it so difficult a task to do so, for Frank's story had not roused me to that burning restless indignant agitation that during my married life had made " seeming" so often intolerable. No : it had laid an icy grasp of stillness on my heart, for was not all emotion too late !

Desolate words ! — hope destroying — they condemn the soul to all the gnaAving unutterable agonies of helpless unresisting wrong and sorrow — aye! and remorse — for even while the pas sionate entreaties Avith Avhich I had implored mercy from the man my own terrible error had made my husband, returned clearly to my mind, again and again I blamed myself for not having made stronger and more desperate efforts to save or at least to see my brother. So at least I thought in the free Avoods, un trammeled by the accursed authority to which at the period of my poor Arthur's death I was en slaved — yes, enslaved ! For Avhere is slavery so degrading, so intolerable as the power of an un loved husband; whose meanness, pettiness, selfishness, and tyranny, unsoftened by the inter vening lens of affection, stand magnified by the nearness of view afforded by domestic life, till every shadow of regard or esteem with Avhich you set out, fades into sickening contempt for the creature you must seem to honour, and actually obey.

"No letter! no letter! forgotten! forgotten!" with what cruel distinctness those words came back to me, as I communed with my own heart. While my every faculty of soul and intellect seemed concentrated in an intense gloAv of hatred against the master who had kept me from my place beside my brother's death bed! Hatred that burned to pass from simple sensation to active vengeance. What ! Avas this man to thrive and grow rich in the world's esteem, respected as the architect of his own honourable fortunes, as the liberal dispenser of his wealth, as the irreproachable husband, father, citizen, and neighbour, while I Avas driven forth to wander in the world's wilderness, to escape the moral death, the paralysis of heart, which his conduct inflicted on me. And yet was that conduct exposed to the world's inspection; in Avhat duty had he fallen short?

He, too, judging by the standard of his own material nature might calmly invite inspection. Had he not given me a luxurious home, and raised me from poverty to wealth? Had he not given me all a wife needed? Had he not given my mother food and shelter, my brother the means of transit to a land Avhere he might make his fortune? Had he not done all this? Could I bring forward a single instance of Avhat law would term ill-usage ? No ! Yet he had withered my life's life; he had made me the shrinking writhing instrument of torture to the only two beings I loved on earth ; he had darkened my Avhole existence ; he had almost distorted my sense of right and wrong — yet he was unblamed. He went on his way, and thanked God that he was not as other men were : " extortioners, un just, adulterers ;" forgetting that the " publicans and harlots" go into the kingdom of heaven before him.

But was it to be ever thus? Could I never draw from him the deadly payment I felt due for all he had inflicted? I tossed and writhed in my bed; where was my boldness and energy, that I could invent and execute no scheme of vengeance? Was I to be the only sufferer? Were the tortures he had compelled my beloved mother, my own dear Arthur, to endure, to go unreAvarded? I was suffocating. I rose from my bed and threw open the window. My mental vision was obscured by the dark pall in Avhich hatred en shrouded it — the deadly vapour rising from a heart whose moral harmony was broken, and whose mechanism was disordered. My love and duty to dear Aladame Duchenois, my gratitude to Catherine for her unchanging trust, my OAvn wonderful preservation through the dangers and difficulties of my trying position — all, all Avere merged in the stern wrath with which my soul demanded its " hundred pence" from its fellow debtor.

The gentle westerly breeze, laden with a thousand delicious odours which its humid breath called forth, fanned my burning cheek Avith a grateful cooling fragrance, and I grew calmer as I leant far out from the AvindoAV, and my eyes rested on the rich loveliness beneath and around me, all bathed in the soft pure moon light, sleeping under heaven's tender guardian ship. While the constant murmur of the river as it chafed against its banks, rose up musically solemn in the silence of night, like a whispered prayer; and as I gazed on that calm tender light, the memory of Reginald Leigh's deep haunting eyes melted me with, I knoAv not what of, tender regret, and my own burning eye balls Avere blest with the refreshment of tears ! I leant long from the window, feasting on the banquet of beauty spread before me, till I began dimly to feel, not to reason, that all these rich gifts to man, this loAreliness to gladden his eye, this fertile soil to make him of a cheerful countenance, the kindness, trust, affection of his felloAvs to strengthen man's heart — trust and kindness which I too had largely shared — were all freely bestoAved by our common mighty Creditor, who had forgiven me as well as him, towards whom my evil passions streamed forth with such deadly vehemence, our ten thousand talents' debt of unpayable neglect, disobedience, and forfeiture ; and a still small voice rose up with the river's murmur, and said, " Shouldest not thou also have compassion on thy fellow servant, even as I had pity on thee."

It Avas a hard struggle ; but at last I closed the window, and knelt in prayer, for I had laid down prayerless. How could I pray Avith a mind fraught with antagonism to HeaAren and its pre cepts? Then I slept Avith child-like peace, and arose strong, calm, comforted. Never again did such deadly thoughts assail me — never more did I dream of returning evil for evil ! There is a magic in forgiveness, a giant strength in resig nation, that can say as the seemingly feeble shifting sand does to the wild tumultous ocean, " here shall thy proud waves be stayed" — to the floods of evil that dash themselves in vain against this enduring barrier. I Avas again calm and happy; happier than before the mental struggle I have striven to record. For again I was attuned to the law of love, and thus freely, joyously constrained to obedience.

But a new feeling of warm regard attracted me to Frank Dawson. Never could he be again a stranger to me ; — he that had closed my brother's eyes, and shoAvn him kindness when all kindred ties seemed broken. The gaiety which before I thought somewhat boisterous, was now but the effervescence of an overflowing heart; the noisy compliment that half excited my scorn, I could noAV smile upon good humouredly. His plans and projects had an interest for me, and nothing would have given me so much pleasure as to have forwarded his fortunes. Strange to say, I never felt this kindly, sisterly friendship checked or damped by any fear of en couraging his openly avoAved admiration of me ; as many men of higher polish and refinement than Frank DaAvson Avould have considered my conduct encouragement. But as I became more cordial in my manner, I perceived a change in his ; the indescribable tone of sentiment he was wont to assume Avhen we were alone together, vanished into friendly frankness; the instinct of a true heart guiding this genuine son of Erin into a right interpretation of my feelings, where many a fine gentleman Avould have been Avrong.

Time glided on pleasantly at Oakdale. I found Eleanor a charming and intelligent pupil. Airs. Earle Avas overjoyed at my praises of her child ; and our good host's delight the first night Eleanor and I sang a duet was quite pleasant to behold. AleanAvhile letters reached us from the new VOL. III. c married pair, who were amusing themselves at Alontreal ; but promised to return ere long. I Avas re-learning the art of riding, under the united direction of Alfred, George, and Victor Earle ; and thoroughly I enjoyed those equestrian rambles through the deep pine groves. Frank Dawson Avas much with us, and when he was absent we missed his gay laugh, and ready good humour much. Victor had great curiosity about England, aDd I sometimes found his questions troublesome, while they suggested the unpleasant idea that my silence regarding my own antecedents, must appear strange and suspicious in the eyes of the Oakdale family ; so simple and true them selves.