The life and adventures of James Kelly O'Dwyer

Introduction

. TO ME. THOMAS N , OFFICER OF EXCISE, COUNTY OF , IN THE WEST OF IRELAND. Axd so, dear Tom, you will have me write my "Life" for you, because, forsooth, I have " seen so much of the world." And I, having a superabundant stock of good nature, have promised to oblige you, not taking into con sideration the time, thought, and trouble it will cost me, especially being quite unused to such pursuits. "Well ! when a true-hearted son of Hibernia is asked to do a turn for a friend, he hates to refuse ; and whether he can do it or not, he, at least, makes a " bould offer," and does his best. And what more can he do . I happen to have some leisure I VOL. I. B

INTRODUCTION.

. just now ; and as I am not to write for the great, open, though often squinting eye of the public, but only for the pleasant kind-seeing orbs of a friend, I don't care if I do give you a sketch of those same " adventures " — such as they are — stipulating beforehand for your in dulgence for aU errors. Of course you will not be so unreasonable as to expect fine, well-turned sentences, Latin, Greek, or grammar ; it wiU be very weU in deed, and I need not be ashamed of my work, if I put my words together plainly and intel ligibly, without pretending to more. You already know my origin and means of edu cation ; and you should, ought, and must excuse aU deficiencies. However, as I am vain of the little I do know, and as I wish to save you aU the trouble I can, I shall take care to duly page and chapter the thing for your convenience, and give you any other little helps in my power.

I have just taken my breakfast off a round of beef and potatoes with their jackets in rags, washed down with a draught of prime, home brewed buttermilk that never knew water !

INTRODUCTION.

. Some persons might prefer a less substantial meal preparatory to the task in hand, such as tea or coffee, to enliven the spirits and brush up the memory. But in the first place, I never was partial to such slops ; and in the second place, this undertaking will be a very heavy one to me — downright labour ! And I think it right to strengthen the inner man to meet it. So here goes, and good luck to me ! But this I 'U tell you, Tom, that by the time I get to the last chapter, 'tis yourself that will have a crime to answer for — viz., for addling the brains of a sober, decent gorsoon like myself! May 10th, 1852. «■_ JAMES KELLY O'DWYER.

Chapter I

" In the midst of a bog Which was covered with fog One beautiful sunshiny morning ; There came a nate boy To his father's great joy The land o' potatees adorning.' At baU-past ten o'clock, by our venerable sun-dial, on a fine July morning, I made my first appearance in this curious world. _\Iy father, who had been listening outside the bedchamber door, anxiously awaiting what Providence should send him, with the fond vanity of a young parent anxious to admire his first production, snatched me into his arms the moment he caught a sight of me, and turned me upside down, and right and left, in search of what he was pleased to call " the thrue, ondisputable O'Dwyer lineaments," amidst a peal of remonstratory exclamations from the females in attendance, such as " Arrah, thin, what is the man about at all at all!" — "Oh, lard! see how he twists an' turns the babby !

" — " Ain't he a clane, dacent boy, an' what more does ye want ? " "Don't I want shapes, makes, and purpor tions . " responded the scrutinizing parent, in a heat, " an' don't I see at the first pop that the brat have the horrid bow-legs of the Kellys ! Oh, murdher ! murdher ! how I am circumvinted among ye!" "Of the Kellys!" screeched old Honor Doran, a friend of my mother's, one of the Kelly faction of course — and my informant — in a tone betwixt ire and derision — " Of the Dwyers ye mane, if ye plase ! A Kelly never yet had a bow-leg, whatever else they might have ! An' what if they had . Shure it 'ud be God's will that same, an' no help for it. But ain't I a fool to be talkin' to the Ukes of ye at sitch a time ! The boy is a fine one — a lovely babby, indeed ; kiss him, and thank God that he is so well, an' that poor Kitty is out of pain, an' over her thrubble."

Something was muttered very like " To the d — 1 with Kitty !" but as it was only mutter ed, notice was not taken of it by the women; then suddenly recollecting himself, after another dissatisfied examination of the unfortunate " bow-legs," the husband proceeded to congra tulate his wife on her recovery, and to thank her for giving him a son and heir. After which ceremony he sat down to compose the sublime " Ode " which heads this chapter, and which was set to music, and sung at my christening. But of this more hereafter. " In the midst of a bog " then, in a village which I shall call Kellystown, in the of Ireland, your friend first saw the light, and as I was the " heir " of two old and most iUustrious houses — the Dwyers and Kellys — great was the joy, and grand the doings in honour of my birth.

Like most old Irish famUies, time .out of mind, these two had a ' pick ' at each other, till the Romeo of the one, and the Juliet of the other, all at once took it into their heads to marry, and which happily caused a cessation of fists between the belligerents. Then the only question to be decided was, which was, the Dwyer or the Kelly entitled to precedence in right of ancient blood, both Romeo and Juliet claiming nothing less than the crown of Ireland if they would kick up a row with King George about it ! That my father was of regal descent the ex traordinary dignity of his air was a voucher not to be doubted, and he had no other ; whilst on the other hand, my mother could produce " a cupple of ancient risponsible min, who had heard hur fathers an' gran'fathers talk of the Kellys bein' sartinly discinded frum the ould kings of Ireland.

Besides that hur father — rest his sowl in glory ! had found a thing in one of his own bogs, very like gooid, and which he put upon his head, an' that fitted him as if it was med for him o' purpose. An' shure there was no goin' beyant that ! " To this "the Dwyer" would reply that, "all she said might be true ; but that for his part, he was satisfied to leave it to his naiburs, which of them both looked more Uke an ancient King of Ireland anyhow ! " Certainly, if it depended on personal ap pearance, the question was at once decided. Mj poor mother was plain — plain to ugliness, only that the charm of a very placid temper diffused itself over her countenance, and gave it an agreeable expression. On the other hand, my father had a straight, well-formed person, and a tolerably good-looking face, ever smirk ing, and apparently well satisfied with itself; and also he gloried in a most unrivalled pair of legs.

I thought that there was rather too much rise upon the shin. But I was young when I expressed this opinion, and of course it went for nothing. In short, if the neighbours had been consulted, they must necessa rily give judgment in his favour. Nor would the wife in her heart dissent. It Avas that straight, well-formed person, and smooth, smirking face (with the additional accomplish ment of being a great scholar — a rara avis in that out-of-the-way place in the days I write of) which had won her, an heiress, sole owner of a substantial farm-house, and B .. thirty acres of cheap bog land, well stocked, and cropped according to the knowledge of those days ; whilst, with the exception of the graces aforesaid, he had nothing. But those personal and mental riches made him, in his own opinion, more than a match for her.

If she had lands, she was, as he sometimes re marked, "bastely ignirint of letthers;" and whenever a little matrimonial squaU sprang up between them — as in the quietest families such things will be — and she gently reminded him' of his former poverty, instead of being silenced, as she hoped he would be, with more than the august air of a crowned head, he would turn to her, pull out a book, and shaking it at her, cry, " Poor insignifkint faimale ! look at this an' be silent ! You that can't put two colloquil sintinces together gramraattikilly or logickilly ! Peace, peace Mrs. Dwyer, other wise Kelly, an' lave talkin' to him that knows how ! Mind yer hins an' hin-roosts, honey, an' don't be disturbin' the brains of the only larned man in the parish, an' twinty parishes beyant it; it would be a sort of national kelamity if ye would put my idays to flight with nonsinse !

" Then opening the book, he would seem quite absorbed in the perusal of it, and regardless of all else ; or he would read it aloud in an affectedly fine tone to the awe and astonishment of all present. And what could a doting, admiring, and, above all, ignorant wife say in reply to such an appeal as this ? Nothing ; and on all such occasions instantaneous silence succeeded. But I must do my father the justice to record, that though he was more than commonly vain of his person and " parts," he was also a most excellent* and indulgent husband. Indeed I have been told, that until the birth of their heir — your humble servant — there was hardly ever a disagreement between them, save and excepting those little puffs about blood royal, &c, but that when the christening came under consideration, it produced a dispute, so hot and prolonged, it took all my mother's kind nature, all my father's vanity and good humour, and the united influence of two priests to settle !

The weighty cause of this uproar was my name, or rather, indeed, which of them had the best right to choose a name for me. My mother, proud of her pro duction, and in right of her possessions, naturally considered herself fully entitled to select a name to her fancy ; and my father, equally proud of his share in his son (a beautiful boy of course), and scorning to let a female take the lead on such an important occasion, swore by " Jupither-Ollempus, that, as the child was a boy, an' as like himself as one pea to another — barrin' the curst bow-legs — that he alone had a right to give a title, a title that would make him known to all min here, and hereafther." And here I must premise, before I proceed any further, that when I describe scenes, and repeat conversations, I do not invent them to amuse you ; no such thing ; I may give them a better dress indeed sometimes, but very nearly as I had them myself.

For, from the time I was able to understand anything, I was never without some old gossip or another, ready and willing to entertain me with all concern ing myself and my fond parents in my young days. But above all, there was old Honor Doran, my mother's first cousin, and my godmother, who lived with us till her death, and who was by many degrees the faithfullest chronicler I ever knew. From her I had most of the particulars of my birth and christening. Thus much understood, I proceed with my story. I believe it is generally known that it is the custom of the Roman Catholic Church to christen children as soon as possible after they are born. My mother was a good Catholic, and my father at least went through the ceremonies, so that he was generally con sidered a worthy son of the church. But at this crisis, both acted very little better than rank heretics !

For a month the con test raged, and there seemed a chance of my never being christened at all, but might have been called the " babby " to the day of my death, had not the exasperated parish priest at last commanded that all should be left to his decision — and who dare say against the priest ? My father, indeed, "would not be com manded by any one — not even the Pope ! But he would make it a compliment to his reverence to submit," grumbling under his teeth that "by Jupither- OUempus, if he called his son either Mogue, or Faddy, it would not go well with him, if he was twenty times a priest ! " Mj mother, also, had her fears, and sighingly declared, that " she never could abide sitch names as Murthough, Dinnis, or Philum, which war hanious. an' belongin' to the faction of the Dwyers ; none of which war creditable, excep' the man that feU to hur own share.

An', throth, he had his noddities too." But his reverence kept the secret to himself until the day of the christening was named; and, in the interim, both wife and husband nearly fumed themselves into a fever. However, when the day was named, both Kellys and Dwyers agreed that it should be a day to think of and talk of for ever. Now in those primitive times of open hearted hospitality, bog-trotters, such as my progenitors and their neighbours, never thought of sending invitations to each other — not even the rough one common enough amongst the peasantry of the present day, at least in some districts, viz. : " We Tl have two pots down on Sunday next, an' a slew frinds, — will yez come an' taste the bacon ." No such thing was ever heard of in my young days, at least in the bogs of Kellystown, of which I write.

But one neighbour imparted to another the joyful tidings, that a wedding, a christening, or a wake (very often the merriest of the three) was to be at Jack Murphy's or Thady Nowlans, as the case might be, and the news spread with the quickness of wildfire through the parish, and perhaps the next. All, then, who had a smooth coat, and decent conduct, were welcome to join the company. But very seldom is the door of an Irish cabin shut against those that have neither the one nor the other. You may put it down for, or against us, which you please, but such is the fact. But such another sort of notification served for my christening, — open house for all who chose to come, at least, all who could claim to be friends of the Kellys and Dwyers ; of the two priests, and even of the priests' housekeeper ; and of our own servants — for we had two — and of our workmen, &c, and you may believe me that a goodly number availed themselves of the intimation.

All parties had "friends," and friends past counting. I have heard that there were ten horses with single riders, besides as many more with pillions and " dhoastheens " (certain straw seats formerly used by farmers' wives when they had no pillions), with mules and asses past counting ; and ten or eleven log-wheeled cars, — for spoke-wheels were unknown in that district for years after — were enumerated in our bawn as vehicles of the quality. Then, as the different conveyances brought in their respective loads — " Welkim ! heartily wel kim!" sang out the man of the house, in the neatest brogue he could assume for the occa sion ; and, "Ye 'r welkim, friuds and naiburs! " more gently added my mother, though she has often since told me, that there were scores of faces then present that neither host nor hostess had seen before.

And she wondered much whose "friends" they might be. But no matter — all were welcome ! Could if be otherwise and they coming to see her son . There were no ceremonious " How-do-ye-4o's," or introductions of Mrs. Biddy M'Kays to Mrs. MoUy Malones, as one may sometimes hear now-a-days, even in the bogs. " I wish yez both a power o' joy ! " was the general and hearty address of the guests to their entertainers, and pushing and thrusting right and left for space to move onwards, their " courtesy " to each other. Maids, wives and widows, fathers, sons, and grandsons ; uncles, nephews and nieces; first, second, third, and twentythird cousins, thronged in upon each other's heels without as much as saying, " By yer lave ! " Many a fat old lady, who would take her time, and move at the rate of a mile an hour, received a loving pinch rearwards by way of an accelerator ; and many a prim old bachelor and old maid were joked upon, and pushed aside as " useless ; " but all was taken with perfect good humour.

No coldness, scornings, or jealousies there : all came with the hearty desire of amusement, rough and honest as themselves ; and, as their hearts were brimful of the chief ingredient, a very merry set they were ! Lord bless me ! how different from the grandees— moving, looking, speaking and eating by rule. I am quite sure that my mother related the particulars of this splendid entertainment at least fifty times, for it ever was a favourite theme, and at every fresh recital she would pant and blow, and wipe her glowing face, apparently overcome by the remembrance of her extraordinary exertions and toil to have everything right and fitting to do honour to the christening of her child. Only hear what the poor woman had to go through. Besides taking an active part in all the scour ing and cleaning, superintending, and ordering and scolding (for which last she told me she had to pay dearly at confession) she had to make and bake such innumerable griddles of wheaten and oaten bread (there was also " white loaf " for the very elite of the company) and to help to slaughter so many hens, cocks (she was no way particular about age or sex), ducks, drakes, geese, and turkeys, that she de clared that she could not sleep for many nights after with pains in her arms.

" An,' " continues the poor woman, " whin the day cum, an' I thought I might put on my dacent coat — a rael poplin, of a sine crimson colour, an' sit down wid the people just as they cum ; lo and behould ye, I was just as busy as ever, for I should then help to cook an' lay out aU those haips of things, for not a sowl in the house had a head on their shouldhers to think of anything but fun or folly. Yer poor father was up in the win' intirely, an' thought of nothin' upon airth but showin' off his larnin' an' legs. An' poor, ould Honor Doran was well inclined to help me, but she had inuff to do to carry you about, honey, an' show ye off to the peeple. An' wondherful well she did that same, an' you as heavy as a load of turf. Oh, Jimmy, Jimmy, I aimed the pleasure of seeing ye afore me that day any how!

Bad 'cess to me, but the thoughts of all I wint through puts a pain in my back this minnit. In throth, only that Father Toole's housekeeper kem to help me, I never would have got over it. An' as it was with all my pains an' cares, things was indifferent enough. Some of the fowls war the ould fowls in airnest, bein' dacent bins an' cocks for many a month . THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF afore ; an' many of thim had their craps in their stomachs besides, for I had no time to pull 'em out. Some war well picked, others half picked, and more war hardly picked at all, — some war well done, others haU done, and more over done ; but it was all one to those that kem to ait 'em. An', indeed, I must al low, an' thankful I was, that they war the most agree'ble people in the wide world, for they war all rippin' hungry, an' no way hard to plaise.

As ye may suppose we hadn't knives an' forks for one-third of thim, though we bor ried frum the priest. But it was all one — they tore the fowls, geese, turkees an' all, with their fists, like shreds of paper, which ye know saved a power o' thrubble in the cutting' up. An' as to the knives an' forks those who got 'em war fairly put to shame by the two priests laughin' at 'em, an' biddin' the boys be shure not to stick the forks in their ears like the man in the story buck.* I thought it wasn't nollidgeable for nun like thim to say so to the craithers that war doin' their best to be dacent ; but it riz a great laugh, an' that was all that was * I suppose Robinson Crusoe. wanted. For shurely good humour is the finest sauce for all sorts of dishes, an' the cook at laist ought to be thankful. "WeU, honey," proceeds the fond mother, " the day cum at last, an' an iligant mornin' it was.

For two or three days afore it, there was nothin' but starm an' wet, an' I fretted a power, bekaise I feared that the weather 'id be dark an' gloomy, an1 that wouldn't be lucky ; but that Thursday kem in as mild an' sweet as if it cum a purpose to wish ye joy, an' my heart felt thankful to God for it. But that we ought always to be, whether it 's clouds or sunshine, for aU cums for our good. Well, as I was sayin', the mornin' was bright, an' we war all up an' stirrin' airly, as bissy as bees, -an' as gay as larks. About twelve o'clock the people, begun to cum, an' I wiU not deny it that yer father's people med as good an appearance, for their ability, as my own ; though in coorse, the Dwyers war never aiqual to the Kellys the best day they ever riz their heads ! How could they . The dickens a one of thim ever found a goolden crown, or hid a guinea in a stockin', like -my poor uncle Ned.

But the clargy says, Jimmy, we ought never reflect upon people for their poverty ; nor would I reflect upon any one else, only yer father, poor man, is so mortial proud! An' pride is hanious ! espeshly about what is perishable, like the body. As to the larnin', it 's a fine thing, for it makes people nollidgeable, an' sarry I am that none of it fell to my sha're. But, plase God, my boy, you will be able to talk to the clargy as well as yer father, or may be betther, for ye Tl have more sinse. But about the people, the first that cum war the Roches, an' very responsible people they are — fourth cousins of my own an' of yours — then the Doyles, dacent people too, an' the Fannens, an' the Murphys, an' the Forrestals, Redmonds, an' Cooneys, then the Kellys an' the Dwyers, an' their foUowers, Costigans an' Nailes; in all about eighty people, besides those I never seen afore, making twenty more at the laist.

Oh, the Lord be good to me, that was the day ! Anyway, they kep' comin' an' comin', till, be dad, the room above the kitchen was full ; an' the two rooms below the kitchen war full, an' the dairy was full, an' the kitchen itself was fuU — full to over flowing So where to lay the dinner-tables I knew not, an' I declare to ye that I was in a rael stew, till poor Father Toole kem to my 'sist ance, an' as the clargy have long heads at all times, an' espeshly about atin' an' dhrinkin', I was soon put in a way to manidge. " ' Mrs. Dwyer,' " says his Reverence, before all the cump'ny — for if we war by ourselves, it would have been plain Kitty, — 'Mrs. Dwyer,' says he, 'where do you intend to place yer frinds to dine . ' "'Why then, indeed, sir,' says I, 'myself don't rightly know, for, I 'm thankful to my people an' my frinds for it, a very nice gatherin' there is!' " ' WeU,' says his Reverence, makin' answer, ' if ye Tl take my advice, ye Tl get some of the boys to carry out every table in the house, an' let 'em lay 'em out ondher the shade of the threes in the bawn, as the day is warm, an' the nevers send those grandees betther nor the roof of heaven to be over thim.' " ' With aU my heart, sir,' says I, very joy ful, an' thankful for the noshin.

An' no sooner said than done. The mankind all lent a hand, an' Father Toole an' Father Dillin spread the cloths like the naitest of butlers. An' what was betther nor all for me, they commanded the people all to quit the kitchen, an' to go out to walk about, to laive me at my aise to do what was to be done. Of coorse they aU obeyed, excep' sitch as staid within to lind me a hand now and thin. " Well, about three o'clock the dinner was ready, of which I gev Father Toole notice. ' Cum to the door,' says he, ' an' see how we have fixt the tables.' So to the door I went, an' when I did go, in throth I thought I would fairly die with laughin', to see the way all war settled ! Altogether, the tables, an' things intinded for tables, raiched down from the door of the house, to the gate of the bawn, — a good many yards, as you know.

The two fust war good-sized tables ; the third half a fut lower, an' had only three legs ; the fourth was lower agin, an' placed crasswise : the next was a barn door, placed on four big stones ; an' the next to that, an ould dail chist, a great dale lower than all ; what follied that was a stable door, supported on four smaller stones than those ondher the barn door, and the last was the door of the hin-house, almost down to the groun' ! For ye see, all was done in a hurry, an' convaniences war'n't to be had at a minnit's warnin'. My thoughts war all ingaged about the food, an' preparin' the house ; an' yer father, who ought to have been thinkin' of how the people war to be 'commodated, was thinkin' of nothin' but himself an' his legs. Sorra matther ! it wasn't at the tables, but what was on thim, they war all lookin' at, — so things passed off right well.

" Then, all around the table, as it was called, was placed all sorts of saits, chairs, high an' low ; whole an' broken-backed ; with four legs, three legs, and two legs ; propped up with anything they could find within raich, besides stools, furrums, boxes, bosses, binches, anything, in short, to lift 'em frum the ground. The clargy thought to make the tall people sit on low saits, an' the low people on high saits, to make all even, but it couldn't be manniged at all ; they all sot down helther skelther, an' some had their heads well over vol. i. c the ' table,' an' some war ondher it, so that ye could hardly see them at aU ! Throth, there was no one upon airth could help laughin' ! But sure it was altogether a pleasant day. "Father Toole sat at the head of the big table, and his reverence insisted that yer father should sit at the fut of tbe lowest, which put him to some inconvanience, as he was so tall, but of coorse he could not refuse.

As for myseU, I never sot down at all, but wint about helpin' the cump'ny. WeU, it is a beautiful thing intirely, to set a dinner afore a parcel of people that has fine ap'tites, an' ain't squamish ! Raw or well-done, tough or tendher, little or big, fish, flesh, or fowl, all is aiqually welkem, an' goes down as smooth as melted butther ! I am sure that I thought I purvided a dinner for a parish a'most • but, my dear child, only that I had the sinse to keep over a potful of meat for the poor thrav'lers, I 'd have been lost intirely, an' have got ne'er a bit myself, though, indeed, my ap'tite was n't great that day, between the joy and confushin. " But at long last, every one was satisfied, the table cloths war carried off, an' Father Toole rose up to dhrink your health. Oh, then kem my hour of glory !