Mostly Fools. A romance of civilization

Front matter

MOSTLY FOOLS. & £.ioitt.tncc of Ctbtsnation. EY Me. EANDOLPH, Author of "One of Ud." "... We arrive at the undeniable, but unexpected conclusion, that eminently gifted men are raised as much above mediocrity as idiots are depressed below it." Francis Galto.. IN THREE VOLUMES. VOL. II. Uunuon : SAMPSON LOW, MARSTON, SEARLE, & RIVINGTON, CROWN BUILDINGS, 188, FLEET STREET. 1886. [All rights reserved.] LONDON : PBJNXED BX GILBERT AND KIVIKGTON, LIMITED ST. JOHN'S SQUABE. TO MY ADVERSARIES. VOL. II MOSTLY FOOLS.

Chapter I

The next morning Roland drove his friend into the city, and such serious things are life and love, that he had already passed the second bad night of his existence in pondering over the situation. As they went down, he questioned Brabant closely as to the turn public feeling had taken, but he found him practically in the dark ; for the moment the latter's attention had lapsed entirely to private matters, his poems, his love affair, his secret researches, these had sufficed to fill up his time completely. " There had been meetings ?" " Oh ! yes ; of course there had been ; there always were." " And there had been rows ? " " Weren't there always rows — about nothing ? " He had been spending a good deal of his time in the Erith marshes, studying the retro scope ; and bis friend, Professor Vandam, had made further astonishing discoveries, of a nature that must revolutionize most of the known, so-called sciences.

Roland had for some time past suspected certain ofhis friend's tendencies; his suspicions VOL. II. B were now confirmed. Brabant admitted to dab bling in "psychics, or whatever you chose to call it," and it was already easy to see the traces of what had been accomplished in the tense ner vousness of his manner. The blade was fretting the sheath from the very keenness of it. " My dear fellow," said Roland, as he neatly flicked the left ear of a barking cur in the street, " better leave that alone, we shall be spirits all of us, before we've time to look round. Do stick. to the world in which you find yourself. I know there are a hundred thousand others, but you happen to be in this one ; make the best of it while you have the chance. I can see the thing's doing you no good." " Bodily, no ; but morally the gain must be something enormous."

" I doubt it. If the teaching and weight of the Church are not enough for you, you are not likely to get anything better, out of what Vandam and his set are able to supple ment it with. Besides which — and it's no use mincing matters — you're not the sort of man to meddle with things that take more out of you than they put in. You look ill already. Now confess you've had some unpleasant experiences." " I have had some curious impressions cer tainly, how far they may be vouched for as facts is another thing however. I have ceased to be surprised; an unnatural wonder, after all, is no more remarkable than a natural one. Things in the room don't stay as they are put. Sometimes they will fall dowu or change their place without the slightest noise. Candles go out and re-light themselves. The shadows fall in wrong places.

The dark of the looking-glass is peopled with some sort of busy life, and the walls will breathe in regular cadence through the night. But these are trifles. What has forced itself most strongly upon me, is the in explicability of ' natural ' events by natural causes, and the necessity of looking deeper than mere externals, for the ordering of things. " It has opened out not a new world simply, but the hundred thousand new worlds you speak of, and their possibilities, to my be wildered sight. 1 believe that the law of the universe is ' progress,' not only for to-day and to-morrow, but beyond all the to-morrows into infinity ; that gives one hope through present failure. It is quite plaiu to me that if there were no progress after death, the heavenly host would be bored to distraction with yawning.

Remember, in the highest con ception of a Cod, there is room for this." " Well, I confess," said Roland, " that I'm for tangible progress in this world; it's the best guarantee of any future development we may hope for ; transcendentalism is out of my line. I see enough work waiting to be done here and now, and I have no wish to tear aside the veil that has been drawn over the future." " You mistake me. The study I have taken up is merely the extension of what we call the natural laws ; not only is it legitimate, but it is essential to the higher life ; in some form it is essential to all greatness. When you have read human life more deeply, you will see this — mark my words." b Roland did not forget them, but by this time they had now gotten into the land of pen-and ink, and had pulled up before a large and splendid building in the prevailing fashion.

This curious generation had, after jumbling through every conceivable craziness, pure and impure, settled clown to a mixture of double Dutch and high Chinese, with a dash of the Renaissance flung in, and now half London was being rebuilt in this style, which they had facetiously named after a sovereign who, it was well known, had been dead some time. Painful as the task must necessarily be, to expose the absurdities of the people who sup planted ourselves, it will not be without a certain satisfaction that we shall contemplate the vagaries of these phantoms, by the side of our own solid consistencies, and rejoice in our immunity from their follies. This edifice was the outward shell and simu lacrum of the great publishers and their business. There were other simulacra to be found elsewhere.

Country houses, yachts, pair horse phaetons — but with these we have nothing to do. The two friends had come on business, and after waiting some little time, were ushered into a sanctum,where the bland gentleman of previous history sat smiling more blandly than before. Only that morning he had fouud it desirable to order a few more loose copies of " Ever So " to be struck off, just in case they might be wanted ; it was not worth while mentioning them as an edition. Yet, when the author modestly said he hoped things were going well with it, the publisher, who was apparently of a very sensitive nature, fell into a great despondency, and presently said, he was afraid the sale had stopped altogether. Now, as the author had passed through the office, he had quite casually heard the work asked for, and he begged that the books might be consulted ; when it was found that nine copies had been sold that morning to five different orders, and it was not yet mid-day, whereupon he plucked up heart again.

But " The Firm," as the gentleman gave it to be understood he wished to be considered, was not abashed. He hinted very cordially that Mr. Brabant was to be congratulated on his business capacity as well as his good luck. A compliment which some of those present thought might be returned. "And now as to this novel," said the Firm, placing the tips of It's fingers together, for It was aware of their business, " let me see ; ' On the Spot,' I think. Permit me to remark, my dear sir, that on this occasion we were a little 1 off the spot,' I fear ; he ! he ! " " As you are aware, I thought very highly of the general conception of the book, and the disappointment to myself has been a grievous one. I imagined that there must have been some mistake, and to prove to you that trouble is a thing of which we take no consideration whatever, I need only say that, on the first report proving unfavourable, I at once sent it off to two other individuals, who are luminaries, my dear sir, perfect luminaries in the literary world, who for years past have not stooped to read any other works but their own.

" One of them — a lady by the way ; we don't usually divulge these particulars, but you will understand my object — remarks very aptly in a letter (a private one), that none but the most brilliant writing succeeds nowadays, she — " "I should like monstrously to see the re ports," interrupted Mr. Brabant, on whom a point was seldom thrown away; " that is, if it s not asking too much." The Firm appeared embarrassed. " Too much ! Nothing that you could ask, Mr. Brabant, is too much; but it's most unusual," It stammered; " most. Still between — " " Centlemen," suggested his client. "Ah! yes, certainly, exactly," the Firm broke up into smiles ; " that was just what I was about to observe." " There can be no objection whatever ? " "None whatever. I have them here. It is most unusual," It repeated, "but as they are anonymous, I shall be happy to show them to you, in the strictest confidence."

Here he took up a portfolio upon the table, from which he extracted three separate reports, pinned together. One of them he laid before his visitors. " Would you perhaps kindly read it aloud ? I feel that the points "will so strike me more forcibly," and Brabant flung himself into an attitude of studied attention. The Firm was delighted, and, with some sonorousness of expression, read as follows : — " ' On the Spot.' This is a work of some pretence. It attempts to describe scenes from college, club, and male life generally. As the author is palpably a lady neophyte, it may be imagined with what result. She can have no possible experience of what she endeavours to depict. It has neither wit nor merit." The Firm was so gentle, oh ! so gentle, as It concluded this ; just like a kind doctor perform ing a painful operation.

It paused with a little pitiful smile. " There really is a great deal in that," said Brabant, with conviction. " A maiden aunt of mine copied out most of the manuscript for me — I cannot deny this. Now you speak of it, she did not seem to know much of the scenes described, or to care about them ; but here am I to answer in person for every one of them." The Firm hastily took up the next report, and Roland blew his nose. " No. 2. ' On the Spot.' This is an un pretending story, but in parts remarkably witty and meritorious. It is evidently the work of an old hand, and his aim is plain. Too much space is, however, devoted to love-making, and the author's tone is far too serious to admit of its being an attractive fiction. It is, besides, loose in structure, and much wants tightening up." This was passed by in silence, and the reader took up "No. 3. 'On the Spot.' This work is worthless.

In the first place, it is far too condensed, and it is difficult to see what the writer's intent can have been, though it appears not impossible that it is an attempt to trifle with the feelings of the public. He laughs or weeps exactly as suits his caprice, and without the slightest consideration for his reader. What besides can be expected of an author, who makes his hero fall in love in half an hour ? " " Heaven above, sir ! " said Brabant, spring ing to his feet, and loosing the last shreds of his patience, " do you really put this forward as a serious criticism to me, who have fallen in love, and often out of it again, in a single half hour, at least a score of times ? " He turned indignantly to Roland, who interposed in his support. " My dear sir, I can assure you that I know a man well, who once fell in love in five minutes — and remained there," — he might have added, that he stood there to prove it, but he did not.

" As for my friend," he continued, " I'll answer for it, for he has seldom had a free half-hour since he left school." The Firm was taken aback at this undaunted front. " Really ! " It said, " It had no idea that such things were, or indeed were possible, It led so idyllic a life of It's own, was implied ; but of course, if this were a guaranteed fact, together with the matter of the aunt, it would put a different complexion on the affair. " Altogether — well, yes — there were certain discrepancies, it must be allowed, when the critiques came to be closely compared, and, on the whole, It was of opinion, that perhaps, with some slight alterations, It might venture to recommend publication on similarly cautious conditions with the former work. But," It went on to say, " you are young — you will forgive me — you will do well to take a hint from US.

Now, We should have preferred a Christmas Annual or a Manual of Society. No, no," It simpered, placing the tips of Its fingers together as It caught sight of the author's face, " not at all; I do not mean the work that explains how you are to eat asparagus — not that. No, I mean a sort of biographical dic tionary — a few smart lines on the smart people, and those whom you would naturally suppose to constitute society — under a thin disguise, perhaps, no harm in that. The public are de lighted with it, and will pore for hours trying to lift the little veils you assiduously throw over your characters — such little veils, you know, merely " (and he placed his finger-tips lightly on the table), "a tiny, witty transposition of letters — quite sufficient. Thus, you want to describe say, Captain Porter, you publish him under the amusing synonym of Paptain Corter — so sim ple — so effective; Annuals in this form, talking of synonyms, mean thousands.

Then a little resume of what society is, and what it ought to be, and how difficult it is to get into it, and how many people think they are in, and really are out in the cold, and how inscrut able are its unwritten laws, how incomprehen sible to the generality, and how important ; how lovely is the life really led in the mystic regions, how enjoyable, glorious, and refined, and how exceedingly difficult it is to get at the real right thing." " But," interposed Mr. Brabant, " I know so little of it — at least from that point of view." " No matter, my dear sir ; you will, perhaps, hardly believe me, that the people who, as a rule, paint these enchanting pictures, are clerks on eighty pounds a year, half-pay cap tains, or broken-down aristocrats themselves, to whom the turning of three-and-sixpence is a serious business."

But Mr. Brabant did not warm to the sug gestion. He had wrritten his book, and, curiously enough, felt a predilection towards publishing that, rather than writing another. " Well, well," said the Firm after a fresh spell of consideration, " what you really require is a close study of the leading novelists of the day — we publish no other, and a few additions — a few carefully-considered sentences inserted here and there, after the magic type of the fashion, would have an immense effect on the fortunes of the book. Now here," It turned to a pile of gorgeously-bound volumes, " are three or four of the very tip-top writers, whom the public would read if they wrote in Chaldee. You have merely to open any one of them at hazard, to see how characteristic is every sentence of the spirit that breathes through the whole.

The air of realism, of refinement, of je ne sais quoi, is so, ahem ! ahem ! that really nothing can possibly equal its — its — ahem ! ahem ! " Here, for instance, is Lady Victoria Nage's last — strictly speaking, it is not a romance, though in parts it reads like one. Listen to this." The Firm waved a white, bejewelled hand, — " ' To be surrounded by five hundred naked, howling niggers, each brandishing his revolver, while he carefully took aim through his long spear at my unprotected person, was a situation which many of my Belgravian lady friends might have found unpleasing. To me, I con fess, it simply added zest to the delightful air of the morning, and made the prospect of our comfortable camp-breakfast seem even more enticing. Why should I feel afraid ? This was nothing — nothing to what had happened yesterday, and would happen again to-morrow.

My Gatling gun was handy, but I disdained to use other than my woman's weapons. Seizing the three foremost ruffians with my teeth, I scratched their eyes out, and flung them to the earth, while their assegais exploded harmlessly in rear. The six next that came on I floored with a back-hander, which slightly sprained my left wrist. " ' My dear little toy-terrier, Fido, seeing me thus engaged, rushed madly into the melee, barking furiously, and driving the dusky demons before him like a flock of sheep. Those he tore down he ate up on the spot; and so fearful was the panic that he occasioned, that in less time than it takes to write it, the remnant of the stricken fugitives had dis appeared — vanished utterly — so that when I looked up again, I rubbed my eyes in wild as tonishment. Not so much as even one single corpse remained to tell the tale.

" ' Where but a few moments before the yelling crowd had rent the air as they pressed on, was nothing now save the waving grasses, where the lark played, and the lizard warbled his peaceful ditty undisturbed. " ' Calling to my little Fido, whose savage breakfast had painfully distended him, and whose pace was therefore slow, I turned on my heel and made the best of my way back,' &c, &c." The reader slapped-to the book. " Now that's a mere casual page from her last work, ' The Hermaphrodite Abroad.' Delightful, isn't it ? risque too, slightly, perhaps ; but what zest, what verve, what splendour of local colour ! ' The lizard warbling in the grass,' exquisite ! brings the thing before one's very eyes. There's nothing like a lady-writer nowadays. It's a pity you're not a lady, sir. " ' The rules that bind, In slavish fetters half mankind,' do not bind the better half.

Fact, logic, wit, grammar, sense, bow their faces before 'em, and the public does likewise. You see, sir, a woman can unsex herself so delight fully, but the operation has not the same charm when performed by a man. "Now here's another," It continued enthu siastically, "you really can't have too many examples. Miss Masher's very last, hot from the press ; the style is different, but the level is as high . Let me read you a sentence or two, and you'll see what I mean. " ' We are at family prayers, our man-servant and our maid-servant, our ox and our ass (more than one of these latter), and Jack, and Jill, and I. " ' This is the hour of the day when we three imps and sworn associates really enjoy our selves to the uttermost. We have each brought with us a treasure casket. Jack's contains dried peas, Jill's cockchafers, and mine — snuff.

How to combine these varied elements, and to employ them to the best advantage, now be comes a question. Peas have already been care fully sown in the passage outside, where it is dark, as a commencement, and the cook and our revered and reverend governor both slithered into the room as if they were drunk. " ' Look at old Martha's face,' whispers Jackto me. 'I know her corns is bad, for she toldme so.' '"A suppressed hush and a congratulatory pinch from myself are his reward ; and under cover of the coal-scuttle, Jill gracefully offers to each of us a pinch of snuff (from my box, by the way, which is mean). We take a huge one. I pile up the beastly brown stuff on my little white thumb, so does Jack, so does Jill — drilled veterans we — we toss back our three heads, and we sniff together. " ' The result is prodigious.

Our reverend governor sits at his desk, with one ragged wisp of hair waggling on his forehead, droning through his disreputable old nose. " I believe in Cod the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth," when the united crash of our three sneezes rends the air ; but happily he is deaf, and his bleary old eyes are dim — -he neither sees nor hears, or we should rue it to this day. " 'Not deaf and not blind, however, is our only guest, who kneels but a pace behind us, Sir Ivor de Cressingham, grim, gallant, gaunt, graceful Sir Ivor, with his tawny moustache, and head shorn of its golden coronet of curls by many a stern campaign, who with great, grave eyes, has watched our proceedings from the beginning. " ' Why, I know not, but the devil has entered into me to disgust him. I have climbed up into a high chair, under pretext of kneeling there, and am now dangling my long legs, in their dirty white stockings, just under his nose.

" ' Three facts further bring unhallowed joy to my spirit; they are, that my strings are out, that my shoe is well down at heel, and that I have a hole in my left stocking, through which a red, red chilblain cheerily pokes its little head. He will hardly love me thus, I murmur, but the infatuated old fool does. " ' Resurrection of the body,' " snorts the reverend one from the desk. " ' Ladies and gentlemen," whispers Jill, " this is merely typical of that interesting fact." She opens the lid of her box. Instantly spin forth the cockchafers, whirring and booming through the air, and with excellent good taste selecting Sir Ivor's bald pate, and dear papa's inflated nostril, as special points to whack upon. " ' We scream — in our sleeves, that is — it is too too exquisite.' " It is, indeed," concluded the Firm, shutting the book.

" Comment is needless. You can imagine how the high-class public jumps at this species of production. No man can do this sort of thing, and if he did, it would be a failure. But you might take a hint ; we are always pleased to give a hint to a clever young writer," and the Firm bowed. " And there's another thing; if I might recom mend it, when you next try your hand, though this of late years has fallen to the ladies — the ladies, sir, are taking the wind out of our sails all along the line, he ! he ! I refer to the sporting novel, which has a distinct style of its own. The style of the stable and the pot-boy, sir, seems to take, when that of the nursery, and the not — ahem ! ahem ! — too respectable — ahem ! ahem ! — female — ahem ! — seems to fail. "Now here," — he touched another volume, " is something like a hero — a guardsman who shoots grouse with his rifle, and enters his horse in a race for mares, with a heroine to match, who has two hundred thousand a year, &c, &c. Most life-like !

Ah ! life would be dreary if it were not for such realism. " Here, again, is the thing attempted by a man, but a man who is in the position to attempt it, Lord Joseph Backstair. No doubt you know his lordship. An aristocrat to the backbone, and quite a veteran sportsman, seven-and twenty at least. An aristocrat describing aristocrats, — that is very powerful, and to show you how the level is maintained, gentlemen, I will open it at random, quite at random. " There, I told you so. Here are two wicked Marquises talking to the loveliest Duchess on earth. Listen to what one is able to say by himself, without so much as stopping to take breath. " ' My dear little Duch. I know your game, but it's no use your trying your paces with those two clipping fillies, that carry the cherry ribbons round the paddock.

You ain't in it, Duch, either of them could give you five pounds and beat you by a head over the open. Why, they're the most spanking little pair of tits in London, and two to one bar one, I'll back either of them, if not pulled. " ' When your Grace does enter, you'll run to win on your own legs. " ' If the sartorial potentate, whose divine art had clothed the Marquis's superb person ality, could have observed him at this moment, with what conscious pride would he have noted the noble swell of his breast, the high-bred fall of his trouser.' " But, gentlemen, no more ; in its way it is perfect ; read and mark for yourselves. ' Sar torial potentate ' ! " and the Firm raised the whites of It's eyes to the ceiling, and lifted both It's hands with a pretty little gesture, "Why, after all, it's only a tailor, you know; but how exquisitely clothed! and to the average reader, the idea of a real Marquis telling a real Duchess something about her own legs — I didn't quite follow it — but it's unique, and uniquity, if I may permit myself the expression, is what we must aim at.

Gentlemen," It concluded solemnly, " I have little doubt that that inci dent occurred in real life." There was silence for a minute ; no one appeared to doubt this, so the speaker continued, " You see, sir, you are not a lady, and — ahem ! I suppose, without offence, I may dare to say — not exactly an aristocrat ? " Roland's eyes met Brabant's across the table ; the latter glanced casually at his face and figure in the glass opposite. " Well, no," he said ; " I suppose I'm not exactly." And here the two visitors were rude enough to laugh, which seemed to put the Firm a little out of countenance. " Perhaps," It interposed, " by delicately introducing something of the sort I have ven tured to recommend, you may be able to make something of the work yet : I do not tie you down to one style ; take your choice.

There are certain things in literature, as there are in sport, which are absolute certainties. A repulsive Jesuit now, is safe — very safe. What is a repulsive Jesuit, sir ? He's money — money in a lump — that's what he is — that's what we want. With such improvements, we might be led to reconsider it." Brabant had already taken his hat from the table. " Thank you," he said, "thank you very much ; but my style, I am afraid, will hardly adapt itself to yours. Perhaps it will be as well to try at once elsewhere." The Firm cleared It's throat. " That would be a pity ; let Us look at it again." But the author and his supporter had bowed themselves out. '"So much for Buckingham ! " ' exclaimed the former as they went ; " but, mark me ! that man will make an offer by the next post. I've foreseen what we've been coming to in fiction for some time past."

" I have noticed it myself," said Roland, " and I have seriously thought of starting (as a mere speculation), a Male Novelist's Alliance and Protection Company, Unlimited. It would have for its object, to provide readers for male writers suffering from the undue pressure of female competition, and to counteract generally the disabilities of their sex." Brabant crossed himself. " Reserve a few shares for me," he said piously. " And now I VOL. II. o think of it, you've stood by me staunchly in this, you've given me the inch, refuse not the ell—help me through a worse. I do dislike a family party, and I have to lunch at Harrow to-day. Come with me." " Why on earth at Harrow ? " " AVith the Squeeds, I mean." " The Squeeds ? " exclaimed Roland tem porizing, " my dear fellow — why, I don't even know them."

This was weak. "I'll introduce you," said Brabant, laying the objection at a stroke. " But, — ah ! your friend is a widow, living alone, isn't she? Two are company, and — " " Oh, no, she lives with her people ; she married her cousin, they were all Squeeds ; and her aunt, Lady Jane, you know — " " Yes, yes, I know ; but they may not care to see me ; and women hate having you in to anything when they're not prepared." As there were five unmarried sisters, Brabant thought they were not likely to be unprepared, and he said so. "But I've really a great deal to do. Look here, my tailor's estimate came this morning," and he pulled out of his pocket a paper a yard long; " 198/. 17s. O^d., and very moderate too, just for a man's necessaries at joining. I don't always sympathize with paterfamilias, but, 'pon my honour, if I had one, I should be sorry for him.