A Lost Love

Preface

. " They tell in Florence and Milan many anec " dotes, which may be either true or false, of " the immortal Benvenuto Cellini. They told " me that he would sometimes begin a vase " ancl model its form and proportions with " care, but when he proceeded to its execu " tion, he became so engrossed by some figure " or some particular festoon, that he heedlessly " enlarged the first to poetize it, and displaced " the other that it might take a more graceful " curve : then, carried away by the love of " detail, he forgot the work itself for its orna " ments; and, perceiving too late the impossi- VI

PREFACE.

. " bility of returning to his first design, instead " of the goblet Avhich he had begun, he pro " duced a tripod ; instead of a eAver, a lamp ; " instead of a Christ, a SAVord-hilt ; and thus " in pleasing himself, he displeased those for " Avhom his work Avas destined." " As long as Cellini was in all the vigour of " his genius, this impulsiveness Avas but fresh " strength to him, and every work of his Avas " perfect in its sort ; but when persecutions, " a reckless life, imprisonment, journeys, and " sorrow had shaken him, his infirmer hand " and less sound inspiration produced Avorks " marvellously finished in their details, but " Avondrously incomplete as a whole : the " goblet, the tripod, the ewer, the SAvord-hilt, " met together in his brain, jarred, then coa " lesced, and finally found a place in composi " tions Avithout form or use, logic or unity." " What is attributed to the great Benvenuto " in the decrepitude of his genius, is constantly " happening to incomplete talent, Avhich has

PREFACE.

. VII " not yet attained its maturity, and may per " haps, alas ! never rise out of its infancy."* This anecdote is a fitting preface to any book that does not say Avhat it meant to ex press. If the pen has not betrayed the mind, this one Avas intended to illustrate the motto : " C'est bien a 1' amour qu'il en " faut venir a toute epoque, en toutes cir " Constances, en tout pays, tant qu'on veut " chercher a conqn'endre pourquoi Ton vit, " sans vouloir le demander a Dieu." If my book has not done this, it is from the in capacity which Benvenuto's failures have explained. * Lettrcs iTun Voyageur.

Chapter I

It Avas a dull autumn-day ; the leaves of the sycamores had nearly all fallen, and strewed the short drive (avenue it could hardly be called) Avhich led to Grainthorpe Park. The trees Avere so diminutive, that to an eye not ac customed to the stunted growths on the nor thern coasts of England, they Avould immediately have suggested the idea of Chinese trees, Avhose branches, in the circumference of a flower-pot, imitate those of the gnarled, knot ted forest oaks. Park too ; the place had A nothing of that excepting the name, for "down of our country" they call fields " parks," and a large one Avhich lay in front of the house was nearly all the "pleasaunee" Avhich belonged to the mansion. An iron railing separated the field from a few stiff floAver-beds which fronted the win dows. The frost had blackened the dahlias, and nothing seemed to prosper except the box edging, which Avas both luxuriant and disor derly.

Se\Teral firs, groAving in spite ol the east wind, stood on the grass, and Avere the only things which gaAre an idea of shelter about the house ; a dark brick building, with a front of four heavy square Avindows. The sea, some half a mile off, hardly formed a redeeming point in the landscape, seen as it Avas through the gaps in the Ioav sand-hills, called "links" in that country, thrown up all along the shore, their size and shape often altered, on the side next the sea, by every strong wind ; Avhilst, to the landAvard, their form received some consistency from the coarse grass, or rather rushes, Avhich grow there. A Cheerless Home. 3 Flat fields, red-roofed cottages, a coal-pit, and the straight lines of two plantations, Avere the principal features of the country which could be seen from the four front AvindoAvs of Grainthorpe.

A girl was looking from the drawing-room AvindoAV ; sometimes working and sometimes studying the landscape, Avith that expres sion of face Avhich may betoken either deep thought or utter A'acancy, one cannot always decide AAdiich. She rose as she heard the sound of wheels, and then one saAv that she Avas thin rather than slender, for she was well and strongly built. Her complexion was fair, and her gray eyes large and handsome. Her mouth, too, was rather large, and the lower part of her face had, especially Avhen in repose, a look of squareness, but was otherwise pretty. She went to the front-door, where she met a short, stout, elderly gentleman, whose thick, fuzzy, gray hair stood on end in the most rebellious Avay when he took off his hat, and still gave him a rather youthful air. She Avelcomed her uncle, and asked for news in a general way, although she must have known that nothing remarkable had in all probability happened that day at Eastham, the large manufacturing town, some three miles off, where her uncle went for business every day.

" Women are always insatiable about neAvs. I never knew such creatures," ansAvered Mr Sandon, with an air of benignant superiority. " No, I saw no one, and heard nothing — met William LedAvard tAvice in the street, that's all — but I have news for all that, Georgy, dear !" " Well, uncle ? " " Well, Miss, 1 have heard from somebody ; you Avon't have him home yet. I don't knoAv but what it is as well ; you are young enough in all conscience : — time enough — time enough." There was but httle disappointment visible in Georgy's face ; but her uncle was not ob servant, and besides had his OAvn opinions as to the nature, habits, and customs of girls, into whose dispositions he believed that he pos sessed a special insight. Georgy's Antecedents. 5 " Here is the letter, and one enclosed for you : and now be olF, for I ha\re plenty to do before dinner."

Georgy Sandon sloAAdy betook herself to her OAvn room, and sat down to read her letter, which reminded her that she Avas one month nearer to matrimony. She Avas an orphan, and had but a childlike recollection of either father or mother. She had li\Ted at first Avith her grandmother ; and, on the death of her grand mother and marriage of her elder sister, had come to Grainthorpe. Fi\re years had passed since, at fifteen, she had become one of her uncle's family. He had taken on himself, even from the time that she Avas left an orphan, all the material responsibility of a father. He had ahvays cared, in his Avay, for her and for her interests, and had neArer suffered his Avife to fail in any outAvard forms of affection toAvards his niece Georgina. Her father, the elder son of a poor country gentleman, died soon after he succeeded to his property, worse than penniless.

His brother, much to the disgust of one or tAvo relations, had, after duly reflecting on the meagreness of the patrimony Avhich fell to his share, his slender interest, and the small chance of success which awaited him in any of the more aristocratic lines of life, en tered into trade. Whether the little money that yet remained to Georgy Avould ever be recovered for her, seemed doubtful. It Avas in vested in collieries, from Avhich it seemed in clined never to arise, and had all been muddled away in some inexplicable manner, of AA'hich nobody could even desire to attempt the ex planation. Nearly one year ago, she had become en gaged to Captain Anstruther, the man Avhose letter she Avas about to read. Her uncle and aunt were both on the matrimonial side. There was no other special vocation for her in vieAV, and this, Avith all the other little considerations which generally influence so largely great de cisions, carried the day.

Well, she opened her letter : an affectionate, uninteresting composition, with many desires for a speedy return, and some particulars as to the society of Cape Town, and the customs of The Lover's Letter. 7 the natives. It seemed to tell the tale of the Avriter's character : an upright, delicate, finikin handwriting ; and, in spite of its uprightness, a something Ava\Tering and uncertain about it : if he had not taken great pains, it would have sloped and straggled. Like it Avas to the man, so painstaking and exact in small matters, and so undecided and indolent in great things. He Avas eager for self-improvement, and al- Avays embodied the results of his researches into the manners of the natives, and his obser- A^ations as to the metereological phenomena of Africa in its contradistinction to that of Europe, in his letters to Georgy.

He mentioned also his convictions as to the blessings that sound religious knoAAdedge Avould be to the African population, and the gratitude Avhich we ought to evince at having it ready at home to our hands (or ears and hearts, rather). Of love he did not treat much, and only had one or two set phrases on the subject, which he altered and transposed, but Avhich Avere originally the same ; these often recurred just before he signed himself " yours most heartily and af fectionately." A few days before he sailed, an accident had brought his proposal concerning Georgy to a crisis. He had knoAvn her for nearly a year, but had never yet dared to speak the mind which he had been sloAvly and surely fixing. He might have gone aAvay and the Avords have remained unspoken, had not a conversation with Mr Sandon, Avho mentioned to him an unlucky speculation Avhich he himself had made, and which involved the loss of part of Georgy's inheritance, brought forward a discussion concerning her prospects.

Then the offer which was always on Captain Anstruth er's lips found utterance at last, and Mr San don was really pleased. " She could not have done better ; and if her father were alive he Avould be, or at all events ought to have been, satisfied. Poor Georgy's views had been so visionary and exacting on some subjects, that one could not say Avith certainty what he would have liked." Mr Sandon had Georgy into his room for a The Betrothal. 9 minute's talk. Her aunt heartily approved, and Avas kinder than usual all the eA^ening, not making any remarks on the subject till they went up to bed ; then she sat gossiping, seeming to treat her already with more re spect and deference, as a person Avho Avas really to hold a position, have an opinion to give, and enter into that state generally necessary for a Avoman's salvation.

Georgy felt, on bid ding her aunt goodnight, that she had some how groAvn both taller and broader, and the flounces of her dress seemed to rustle conse quentially along the passage as she Avent to wards her OAvn room. It was soon done, without much demonstra tion or sentiment. Stephen proposed in his OAvn proper person next morning, and Georgy listened silently. She rather liked being liked — everybody does. To be honestly and heartily made love to ahvays carries some Aveight with it, even though it be all on one side. And Georgy felt a certain degree of responsibility at being the recipient of such an expenditure of deep feeling. She did not say much herself, and monosyllables were her refuge. Stephen refused to stay for the Eastham ball, Avhich was in prospect ; and Georgy had rather looked forward to his doing so.

He could have staid, if his fidgety punctilious love of order had not taken him to Portsmouth ten days earlier than a man Avho Avished to strain a point (at a friend's request) need haA^e gone. So Georgy thought, at least; but she found her little bit of " unreason " disregarded, and Stephen's energetic declaration, " that all through life she might do Avhat she liked with him," was in point of fact but a figure of speech. She was not in the least hurt : A\hich Avould have been unreasonable; but the heights of responsibility upon which she dwelt the day before were someAvhat loAvered. Stephen set calmly forth on his three years' devotion to his country, well pleased and Aved contented Avith his lot. He attached no idea of insecurity to a long engagement. His brother and his two sisters had been betrothed, — the one for two years, and the others for A Long Engagement. 11 more than four, and the respective parties were on both sides of one mind at the end of their probations; and Stephen, who reasoned in all matters from analogy and had never yet embraced an original idea, thought that a three O I o years' engagement fell into the natural course of things.

Aunt Jane would ha\'e deemed a too hasty marriage absolutely indecorous ; — and Mr Sandon, who had settled all things Avithout much consulting either of them, had no idea of a woman's not waiting three years, or thirty, if her parents or guardians wished it.

Chapter II

Georgy having read her letter, went hastily doAAm to dinner, which passed over much as usual. Aunt Jane Avas a good deal occupied by an impartial and unprejudicial examina tion into the shortcomings of Miss Robson, Avho taught the children French, Music, and all the rudiments of a polite education, and heard Charlie his declensions, though herself ignorant of the Latin tongue. Poor Avoman ! she might no more hope to do right than a Prime Minister or a Chancellor of the Ex chequer in the eyes of the remainder of the political Avorld. Uncle Robert never talked when he had nothing to say, and was there fore silent. Aunt Jane was a thin woman, with a florid A Kind-hearted Woman. 13 complexion. In her youth it had been often compared to lilies and roses ; but now, alas ! the roses had usurped the principal place.

In her girlhood, she had been proclaimed a beauty ; and, at a distance, Avell dressed, still made a shoAV. She Avould have bullied her husband if she could ; but as it was, she fell back upon the children, servants, Miss Robson, and Georgy ; Avho, as she grew older, Avas gradually losing the dread she had once felt for her aunt. Mrs Sandon Avas called a kind hearted Avoman ; that is to say, she was kind when neither her self-love was touched nor her jealousy aroused : easily flattered, and jealous of the affections of others ; very spite ful in a sanctimonious, self-righteous manner, if she conceived herself in anyAvise injured; eager for authority, and always insisting upon giving everybody else advice. She was in reality intensely limited ; but possessed a simple, undoubting faith in her oavii capacity.

Perhaps she Avas right, for she was often called amongst her acquaintance a most agree able and superior woman. " There is an invitation for you to stay at Millthorpe Grange, dear Georgy. Mrs Everett Avill be there ; they are not my style of people : she is agreeable, I believe, but it is not the sort of agreeability which I like." Mrs Sandon said this with the air of so many people Avhen they own to the cleverness of others : with an air of reluctant defiance, when it intrudes itself upon them, too evidently to be denied. Their man ner seems to express, " Yes, — Avell, so and so may be amusing, and I daresay is, — I could be amusing too if I liked, but I don't like." In one of Balzac's stories, the advice given by a lady to the hero, bids him not be too brilliant, and never amuse the company too palpably : " Que votre superiorite soit Leo nine," says she.

And never was better advice to those wTho, superior to their neighbours, yet wish to escape their censures. " Well, I give Georgy lea\re," said Mr San don, dogmatically : " it is good for girls to see a little of the world, but not too much ! " Georgy closed quietly with the permission, and expressed her satisfaction at the prospect An Anticipated Visit. 15 of her visit. Going to Millthorpe, stood to her in the place of balls, flirting, and all such female diversions ; for none of which she had the least taste : that is to say, she firmly belieA-ed so. Mrs Lewis, the mistress of Millthorpe Grange, was one of the feAv people whom Georgy kneAV. She ahvays remembered their acquaint anceship, and since Georgy had been grown up, generally asked her at least once a-year. So the question of Georgy's visit Avas settled, and the conversation returned to its usual course.

One other person yet remains to be described, and the family party will be com plete. Miss Sparrow, commonly called Aunt SparroAAr, Mr Sandon's aunt, and consequently Georgy's great-aunt. She was old and rich. Mrs Sandon principally valued her for what use she might be of to the children. Mr San don had a good deal of reverence and affection for her, and acknowledged her goodness in a general way. Georgy, who was young and impatient, did not very deeply regard that gentle, seemingly passive amiability. " She was good and kind, but a little tiresome occasionady ;" — and so she would have dismissed her. If Aunt Sparrow had known the way in which she Avas regarded by the three, it would not have altered her for one moment toAvards them, and she Avould not perhaps have thought herself entitled to more consideration.

She had pleased Georgy, by asking her to go back to London Avith her and pay her a visit ; but such a needless, frivolous expense her uncle and aunt Avould not hear of: besides London was a bad place for girls, and even when given to understand that her going would cost them nothing, Aunt Jane Avould not hear of it, and had easily persuaded her husband that she Avas right. " Well, when I'm married you'll ask me, aunt," whispered Georgy in a defiant under tone, — " Avhen I'm married." " Yes, dear, I will ; but you know matri mony can't be all visiting and amusement." " Of course not, I mean to set up a little Grainthorpe of my OAvn, a Avell-ordered para dise" (mockingly); " but I'll get an 'outing' Sermon Reading. 17 sometimes," she added, in the true north-country chant. " Don't be foolish, dear, and reckon upon marriage only as a means of" " No, dear aunt, certainly not :— shall I read to you ? — I knoAv your eyes are weak to-night."

" No, my dear, I am afraid I shall bore you. " But I like your volume of sermons very much " (uttering the falsehood most energetically) ; for she felt remorseful at having sometimes been wearied and left her aunt alone over her knitting. None of the party Avere more grateful than Georgy when bed-time came, for she was half asleep whdst still reading aloud. It AAras not often that she mentioned her engagement in joke ; but noAV she Avas vexed at the refusal to let her visit her aunt, and lay down, restlessly whispering : " When I'm married— when I'm married ! " — She had such a thirst for happiness. It seemed as if her longing could almost wrench from fate the arrears of life and love that Avere due to B her. It was an undefined desire, and she hon estly believed that mere freedom Avould satisfy it.

There Avere friends to be made in the Avorld ; there was intellectual life and growth in the world ; there wras — she could not tell Avhat — but she wished for it the more, because she did not know. She could only tell that it was not Grainthorpe. The next few days passed away as many more had done. The house was very small ; the dining-room and draAA'ing-room occupied the Avhole front. Aunt Jane did not inhabit the drawing-room of a morning, but pervaded all parts of the house in her housekeeping and maternal capacity. When not Avorking or acting as a sort of vice-housekeeper (for Aunt Jane meant to do her duty by Georgy, and to teach her all useful things), Georgy sat alone in the draAving-room, reading or playing. This was the only quiet part of the day. In the afternoon she Avalked with Aunt Jane, and the time was passed in common.

It was a very dull, comfortless existence that she led. Morn ings were better than afternoons, for they Daily Life at Grainthorpe. 19 Avere passed with Aunt Jane. Afternoons Avere quieter than evenings, for then she sat through many a conjugal dispute, stitching on Avith a dreary patience, and each day that she greAv older feeling more and more out of place. They did not Avant her : they could not Avant her. She had never recehTed tenderness from either of them ; but her uncle had been kind to her in all material things, and she Avas burdened with a sort of remorseful gratitude towards him : she did not know ahvays Iioav to express the gratitude, and she constantly reproached herself for not loving him better. He Avas an irritable, imperious man, not enduring that any one of his own family should haATe an opinion of their own ; and yet Georgy's reserve and passiveness did not ahvays please him : he Avould have taken contradiction bet ter.

She had the habit of being afraid of him, and all her efforts at approach only made her feel distinctly that they were far more familiar than intimate. She had no friends of her own age. Aunt Jane did not Avish to as sociate much with the Eastham people, and the country people were not at much trouble in seeking Mrs Sandon's acquaintance ; so, be yond a few gentlemen of Mr Sandon's age, they saw hardly any one. Georgy's only ac quaintance were the Miss Macbeans, who pa tronized and protected her ; but the young ladies did not in reality care much for each other : indeed her life could better be described in all things negatively than positively. A Contrast. 21

Chapter III

It was very different at Millthorpe Grange ; though only in the next county, you might wed have fancied it another country. It Avas a pleasant house, standing almost amongst the moors, and you came upon it suddenly, lying in a deep narrow Aralley ; not bleak and barren as many of those valleys are, but whose sides Avere covered Avith trees. To come suddenly upon the trim, beautiful garden, after leaving the road, which Avound for some way amongst the firs and ashes Avas a pleasant sunny contrast from that wild road Avith its trees rapidly changing as every autumn-day passed on. There was still sunshine on the hills opposite the house ; the gentlemen were not yet come in from shooting, and Mrs LeAvis and Mrs Everett were sitting over the fire, in the midst of a long and intimate conversation.

Dress and sentiment, intellectualities and ac tualities, people one cultivates for pleasure, and those who are necessities ; all these were talked over and despatched in that quick, womanly way, Avhere one Avord must explain the whole: for every two or three people have a sort of cant language of their OAvn. Constance Everett was not pretty in the strict acceptation of the word, — not pretty, if regular features are all that make the beauty Avhich dweds longest in our recollection ; but a thousand pretty women have faded from my memory, Avhile this one, with her faults and her graces, her enthusiasm and her Avorldliness, her simplicity and her vanity, is still before me, and her laughter is ahvays pleasanter to my remembrance than that of most other Avomen in this Avorld. She was very fair, and enemies would have called her colouring fade; but no one who had ever seen face change as she told a story, or felt her smile Avhen she The Ladies Alone. 23 wished to please (and it was her Avish pretty often) could have thought her so.

She seemed to fulfil the description of one of Madame Hahn Halm's heroines, of whom beauties said, " she is very clever, but not a beauty," and the wise literary women, " she is very fasci nating, but not deep." Margaret LeAvis was a great contrast to her friend and old schoolfelloAv Constance — tall, but rather aAvkAvard : fine-looking, some people might have called her, but feAv Avould have said pleasing. She had a good deal of capacity, and of the material for success, yet did not possess the art of making the most of herself. Less good-looking people than she Avas have often been caded pretty, and those Avho far less deserved it, clever. And yet she valued both these triumphs keenly : or rather had valued them ; those around her did so, and she had learnt it of them. Singularly devoid of all those small attractions Avhich give success in society, she had been taught to consider so ciety her vocation.

Her mother, an extrava gant, brilliant woman, Avho did succeed in the world, brought her out in vain : it appeared that neither success nor husband Avere in store for her. Poor Margaret ! she Avas romantic, and her ideas of a husband were rather exacting. Her day came at length ; a Avorthy, prosaic gentleman presented himself, and Margaret contented her mother by accepting him. But she was disappointed, and showed it in her sarcasm; which Avas not natural, but had grown upon her. She was really kind-hearted, and Avas never bitter against individuals, but against things and institutions in the abstract. Her general reflections were ahvays sarcastic Avhen she was unconstrained, but sometimes she sup pressed her natural tone, as if she feared the ridicule which attaches to a disappointed per son.

What is a sarcastic bitter tone after all, but the expression of disappointment ? more wearisome sometimes, and gaining smaller in dulgence than a downright sentimental com plaint Avhich is less disguised, and arrogates less distinction for itself. It was the knoAV ledge of this Avhich repressed Margaret's bitter- Tivo Marriages. 25 ness ; and perhaps time and children, Avho so change every woman, would efface it. Neither so ready nor so expansive as Constance, it was the great difference between them Avhich con stituted their mutual attraction. Margaret ahvays came out under her friend's influence, and Constance enjoyed Margaret's hearty ap preciation of her. Constance had married for love. Luxuriously brought up by a strict and stupid aunt, she had always looked forward to falling in love as a great entertainment and delectation.

She had a grande passion for her husband, and for a short time they worshipped each other most devoutly, whilst her visions of life seemed bet ter fulfilled than those of most people. But in time there fell some shades upon her pleasant existence. She, her husband, or somebody, Avas extravagant, and their London house Avas sold, and he fell ill. It Avas whispered, too, that he had not behaved to her in all things as he should. She never spoke ill of him, and no blame whatever attached to her. He Avas in Italy now for his health, and did not care to have her with him ; it was better in every Avay, and more economical, that she should stay : " In the spring he Avould rejoin her," she said rather languidly ; and perhaps had no great desire that that spring should come quickly. " And what shall you do then ?

" asked Margaret. " Do ? — Why Ave must settle someAvhere. Frank may perhaps get a place someAArhere in India, or some outlandish country." " And shall you go ? " " Yes, I suppose I must ; but I shan't stay long," said Constance, with a Avilful, merry look : — " I can't be too much aAvay from Frank," she added more softly ; " he does not like it : I don't know why, for he does not care for me. He was pleased once when anybody admired me ; but now he sneers when they do, and seems to be jealous." " You are right, my dear ; you must not be too much aAvay from him : it would never do," said Margaret (who was generally practical in her remarks) — " and then you have more A Woman's Influence. 27 poAver over him than it pleases you to own to in your melancholy moods." " PoAver over some people, perhaps ; but not over him," she replied sadly. " Yes, you ha\re poAver over some people I knoAv : James Erskine, for one." And Constance smiled rather consciously.

Chapter IV

The day came for Georgy's anticipated visit ; but Mrs Everett was gone, and the party only consisted of a matron friend of Mrs Lewis, one or two sporting gentlemen, and Mr Erskine, a distant cousin of Georgy's, whom she had never seen. She felt very childish and small as she crept doAvn stairs, wondering Avhat the people Avould be like, and Avishing that her old ball-dress could by any possibility look like the pretty "demi-toilettes" of the other ladies. It Avas nearly dark, but there were no candles, only the bright streaming firelight, as she came into the drawing-room before dinner. The two ladies were standing in the Avindow, and a tad man by the fire ; he turned round quietly, and courteously claimed Miss Sandon's ac- First Impressions. 29 quaintance on the score of cousinship. His greeting was so easy and self-possessed, so un like the usual spasmodic civilities of the East ham gentlemen, her friends, that she seemed to be on a different footing Avith him from the rest of her acquaintance.