Tilbury Nogo; or Passages in the Life of an Unsuccessful Man. By the Author of 'Digby Grand'

Preface

. Mr. Nogo has been induced to publish the following random sketches, by the favour with which they were received in the pages of the Sporting Magazine. That they are but an unconnected series of scenes and occurrences, usually resulting in his own discomfiture and disappointment, he is obliged in common candour to confess. That a simple relation of such untoward facts may deter others from follies to which they have no inclination, and efforts of which they are

PREFACE.

. physically incapable, is the earnest hope of a disgusted individual, whose only claim to con sideration is, his invariable prominence as An Unsuccessful Man. Munch ausen Club, Jpril 1, IS 53.

Chapter I

Fortune is Bardolph's foe, and frowns on him. Henry V. To fling the billows from the drenched hair, And laugh from off the lip the audacious brine ; And then to plunge, with wanton spirit, down Into their green and glassy gulfs. It is the prevailing cant of the day, to uphold intensity of purpose and force of wdl as being equal to and commensurate with energy of mind and power of body. Had it but been so, I, Tilbury Nogo, might truly have achieved E success ; but, alas ! like the comforter and con soler of Sempronius, I can only congratulate myself on having deserved it. Before entering upon the thriUing relation of some of my ad ventures in civdized lde, and the detad of my many attempts at distinction and success, it may not be amiss, in these genealogical days, when the landed gentry of this favoured country — from the cotton-lord of yesterday, who has just completed the purchase of his hundred thousand acres, to the sturdy yeoman, who himself tills the profitless sod that barely keeps him from starvation — must aU and each be handed down to posterity, with their ima ginary ancestors, on the golden page of his tory, as emblazoned by the ingenious Mr. Burke — it may not be amiss — in fact, it is absolutely essential — that I should commence by specifying how I, T. Nogo, was the only son and heir of Zachary Nogo, Esq , who, in his espousals with the amiable Miss Muff, was blessed with no other issue than the writer of these pages, whose only apology for thus pre senting himseU to the public is the sincere hope that he may prove as a beacon and a warning to the too-ambitious youth of this aspiring age, who often flatter themselves that " to deserve success" is as efficacious as " to command it."

I may here remark that my tendency and attachment to field-sports may be attributed to my descent, on my mother's side, from a famdy who, time out of mind, have been ar dently addicted to all out-of-door pursuits. I have met more Muffs out hunting than in any other assemblage of my fellow-citizens, albeit they are to be found in very sufficient multi tudes engaged in graver and more important pursuits. My father had a great idea of Eton ; and although his death delayed my appearance at that jovial school tdl I had completed my tweUth year, no sooner was I fairly launched in my teens than I was packed off, per stage, to take my chance of arriving at my destination — Eton CoU., Bucks — in company with two other " new feUows," one hat-box, one portmanteau, and one carpet bag, the latter well stuffed with provision for both body and mind, including a Greek grammar, a mighty cake, a " Gradus ad Parnassum," as it is somewhat ambitiously denominated, and a cold plum-pudding.

I have not the face to inflict on my readers B the autobiography of an Eton boy; but I must "cry their mercy" for the narration of two anecdotes bearing upon that fatality which has pursued me through hfe, and which has ever interposed when success was all but in my grasp. Sysiphus was a joke to me; and, I take it, his task was no pleasant one. Whdst enduring the six-o'clock lessons, long morn ings, faggings, and other agremens of lUe in the fourth form, I wras induced by the per suasive arguments of a feWovf-scug, rejoicing in the appropriate name of " Tubbs," to relax my mind and forget my sorrows in the enjoyment of a bath at Cuckoo-ware, the pleasure being increased by its being a drizzling day in October, and the exploit being much enhanced by the certainty of a flogging if caught — or nailed, as we termed it — in the fact ; that month being, very properly, one of those in which bathing is strictly forbidden.

Well, away we went, in the highest of spirits, stripped, sneaked in, ducked, and persuaded ourselves it was delightful; when, in the height of our splashing, hoUoaing, and enjoy ment, we were aware of the tramp of a horse, and the dreaded form of one of the under masters was seen, cantering his hack slowly along the bank. Tubbs, wdio could swim like a water-rat, was over to the other side in a second, and, on arriving at the shore caUed (why, I have never been able to understand) " Italy," effected a most successful shirk ; whilst poor I, unwdling to be flogged, yet loath to be drowned — for my swimming was only calculated for a short boy, in his depth — was forced to emerge, and face the infuriated don. It was Tubbs who proposed the lark of going to bathe ; but at eleven o'clock school, next day, it was, " Nogo to stay."

I am se cure of the sympathy of every old Etonian. * * * # As years roUed on, and the " scug" of former days roUed out into the well-cravatted stripling in the upper division, so did my ambition — that last infirmity of Nogo's mind — increase proportionately. There was a boy then in the school, a scion of a right noble house, whom I, in common with many others, admired, looked up to, and imitated — treading, though at an humble distance, in the footsteps of our paragon. There was nothing he undertook at which he was not most successful, no book he had not read, no point under discussion in any society at which he was not au fait. Handsome, daring, talented, and reckless, how could he but succeed ? Well, this boy — man in intel lect and energy — amongst other more harm less pursuits, was deeply versed in the science of judicious betting — or "book-making," as it is caUed, iu contradistinction, I presume, to bookwriting, which any one can do ; and it was with open-mouthed admiration that we, his contemporaries, heard of his winning a large stake on the great national race of our summer half.

Hundreds on a Derby was rather a "pot" for an Eton boy. Fired with a noble emulation, I vainly thought, on a lesser scale, to do likewise. Our Sculling Swreepstakes was coming on ; and, from my proficiency in that particular department of boating, I thought I might fairly calculate on beating the rest of my school-fellows. Like the great original I copied, I got a betting book, ruled it most carefully, and proceeded to enter my wagers on the most approved principle, backing myseU heavily with all that would lay against me, but, in my inexperience, omitting to bet against any of the other boys. The consequence was, that I stood to win a large sum in half-crowns and shillings, should I win the sweepstakes, and to lose largely in the same coin, should any other skiff pass the Brocas Clump a-head of mine.

WeU, the evening came — how well I remember it ! The placid river ; the level Brocas, with its stately clump standing out against the clear blue sky ; the glorious castle; the flag on the round tower, drooping in the summer air — I see it all now. Then the start ; the strain against the stretcher ; the fever boding in the veins, till the perspiration, bursting forth, seemed all at once to cool, refresh, and invigorate the quivering frame ; then the turn round Lower Hope, the second wind, the rushes gained, and the coming down-stream, with a rapturous lead; the holloaing, from the bank, of five hundred feUow-s, aU at the utmost pitch of their lungs, and only subsiding into an occasional scream, when so blown from running along side the leading skiffs as to admit of no greater vent for the enthusiasm inseparable from a boat-race.

" Well sculled, Nogo !" "Go it, Nogo!" "WeU sculled, Smith!" " Go along, Brown !" " Well scuUed, Robin son !" the latter worthy breaking both his rowlocks, in his animated endeavours to get forward, and being instantly put hors de com bat. "Wed scuUed, Nogo!" "Brown wdl bump him!" "Smith's beat!" "Nogo wins!" "Smith wins!" "Nogo!" "Smith!" " Hurrah ! hurrah !" and Smith's skiff shoots by the well-known goal, one boat's-length a head, Nogo second, and the redoubtable Brown a good third. It almost broke my heart, boy as I was. It was so provoking to have nearly won and landed all my bets. It shoidd have been a lesson; but the elasticity of youth soon brought forgetfulness of the past annoyance, and fresh hopes for the future ; and again and again was I forced to admit the truth of the homely proverb that " a miss is as good as a rade."

I should have been sent up, had it not been for a false quantity in the last of thirty fairly -written long-and-short verses; although I must confess that, prejudiced as I was in their favour, I never could see the merit of tbe twenty-nine preceding ones. But enough of Eton. " Her praise is hymned by loftier harps than mine ;" though, like most old Etonians, notwithstanding aU my reverses, my heart still leaps responsive to the well-known cry, " Floreat Etonæ !"

Chapter II

Bard. — Out alas, sir ; cozenage, mere cozenage. Host. — Where be my horses ? speak well of them, varletto. Fal. — I would all the world might be cozened, for I have been cozened. It would be superfluous to detad the many good intentions not acted upon, and plans cast aside, which occupied the few years inter vening between my removal from Eton, and my entrance upon what is called " life." How I read a little, hunted a little, fished, shot, danced, and drove in the same small proportion ; how I matriculated (nothing more) at Oxford ; how I thought of going into the army ; how I started for the Himalayas, making Paris my first stage, and eventually got no further than that pantomime of a town b — returning a wiser truly, if not a better, man; the old friends who gave me good advice, the young ones who helped me to disregard it ; "all these I can forgive and those forget."

And I must now introduce myseU as Mr. Tilbury Nogo, weU dressed, well appointed, and weU received ; a member of the best clubs ; lodging no matter where, within easy distance of the same ; and, in short, in the common position Gf hundreds of other young men about London. I drove a cab, wore lavender coloured gloves, went everywhere with no particular object, was better supphed with money than brains, by no means good-looking, and decidedly shy. Such was the individual who turned out of TattersaU's yard one frosty day in February, arm-in-arm with one of that class of acquaint ances which the world is pleased ironically to term " a friend," and who is more particularly distinguished by that appellation when he keeps you four-and-twenty hours in the vortex of a quarrel, to extricate you at the end of that time by putting you up to be shot at.

Silently we passed the gentleman in the red waistcoat, whose unacknowledged greetinowas cordial as ever. That cad is a wonderful official ; he has more acquaintances than any man in England, and winter and summer he never wears a coat. . Silently we turned our backs upon the triumphant tomfoolery meant to glorify the greatest warrior of the age ; and it was not tdl we caught the keen air blowing on us from the half-frozen Serpentine, that my companion, who had been in deep thought, proceeded to give me the benefit of his reflections : — " Upon my word, I don't think this frost will hold. I wonder, Nogo, why you don't go to Melton." There was certainly not much in this lucu bration ; but such as it was, what a number of ideas these few words brought crowrding into my brain ! Melton, the cream of all winter society : noble earls, jovial M.P.'s, pleasant dandies, good sport, capital dinners, ox-fences, whist, claret, and hard-riding — aU jumbled themselves up together in my head, not un accompanied by certain misgivings that all this might be what is commonly called " too fast " for me ; and it was some little time before I replied — " Melton, eh ?

Well, I believe it is a very jolly place at this time of year, and — " " Jolly place ! Why, to begin with, it's the only place in the world a man can hunt six days a week from, and it's a bore hunting less. I wonder you didn't go there last year. You know most of the feUows ; you've got plenty of money (perhaps he meant he had had plenty of my money) ; and you might easdy get a few horses together ; I'U manage that for you. Why, you've got some to begin upon ; and I'll tell you what, my dear fellow, I wouldn't mind letting you have old Congreve and Barabbas for next to nothing, as I want to get rid of all mine." This was the more kind, as I was weU aware of the merits of the animals thus un hesitatingly proffered in the cause of friend ship. Congreve was a retired plater, who never having done anything on the turf, was pursuing the same useful career in the hunting stable ; and what with bad legs, bad temper, and a most inconvenient and eccentric way of disposing of his head, was altogether as dis agreeable a horse as a man need wish to get rid of.

Barabbas, a great wdiite-faced, haU bred brute, whom I did buy, proved himself well worthy of that elegant appeUation before I had kept him six weeks. Til, BURY NOGO. 13 " WeU, you really are very kind," was my reply, " but the fact is, I am not quite sure about the horses I have got ; and though Phiz, Catamaran, and the old mare are all very well in some countries, and can go quite in front wdreu properly ridden, yet I have my misgivings as to their being good enough for Leicestershire ; and then the fences ; and then I don't quite know where to live there ; and, in short, it's not an easy thing to manage, and so I must think it over, &c, &c, &c." Well, the long and short of it was, that after a tete-a-tete dinner at Crockford's, one bottle of dry and three of '25 between the two, I succumbed, made up my mind to go, and that forthwith, and handed over a cheque to my friend for the aforesaid Barabbas, who, I regret to say, became my property from that evening ; as for Congreve, though denominated by his owner as an outside good horse, and the best he had ever possessed, reason sufficiently re tained her sway, till we parted, to prevent my having anything to do with him.

Next morning the misgivings came stronger than ever ; but the die wras cast ; and when I found the frost was breaking, the wdnd getting weU round to the south-west, my hack looking so sleek and handsome, and London so muddy and disagreeable, I regretted my determination less and less, and even came to think of Barabbas and the cheque of three figures with complacency. I wrot^e for my horses from the country, ordered some more saddlery, and some top-boots from that prince of the sons of St. Crispin, who ascertaining that his customer did not intend to hunt at the great emporium of the craft, promised to make him a neat " provincial " pair of boots, and made all my arrangements to " take the field," as the old ladies caU it, the fohow-frig week. I do not know how people feel before a campaign, or on the eve of a revolution — though the latter is now hardly " a sensation " — but that last week in London was a most feverish one — " fiery expectation's dower " — and tbe last day I spent in it I quite came to the conclusion that, after all, there is nothing like a town-Use.

But it was too late to retract: the stables were engaged, likewise a swell stud-groom, the cavalry had already marched vid St. Albans, and nothing remained to be done but to take a first-class voucher at Euston -square, buy a Bradshaw, and start. The journey per rad to Syston was performed, as all such journeys are, without hindrance or excitement of any kind ; my fellow-travellers were nothing remarkable, and with the exception of my mistaking one popular M.P. for a friend's stud-groom, and another pleasant-looking, agreeable, sporting gentleman for a dissenting clergyman, the latter supposition being confirmed by the theological knowledge displayed in several expressions with which he garnished his conversation — neither misconception, I am happy to say, leading to my addressing the individual before I had discovered my error — nothing occurred to break the monotony of the London and North- Western line.

Sir Francis Head's clever pamphlet, " Stokers and Pokers," had not then come out ; and the mind was not strained in the endeavour to grasp the magnitude of an undertaking, in which, independent of the expenditure of coke, coal, and capital, the one small item of lunch alone consumes porkers by the thousand, and Banbury cakes by the million — a statistical fact now univer sally known, thanks to the research of the clever author of that amusing and instructive little work. Syston reached, and a post-chaise with horses in it for Melton duly proclaimed, self, packages, and valet loaded therein and thereon ; No. I stowed away in the corner, and abandoned to those reflections, which in my case, inside a carriage, generallyresolve themselves into a sound sleep ; whilst the post horses are bobbing and dodging themselves and their short tads through Rearsby, Brooksby, Kirby, and all the byes on the Leicester and Melton road, I may relate a circumstance which is often brought to my mind by the universal affinity there seems to exist between rapid traveUing and sound sleep.

A friend of mine, by no means of a wakeful disposition, was summoned to Birmingham — a place he had never before visited, on the most urgent business, one of those cases where delay even of a few hours might he irreparable, and was sure to be attended with the greatest inconvenience. The early train was his only chance ; and breaking through all his luxurious habits of late rising, comfortable breakfast, and doze over a cigar untd well into the after noon, behold him up, dressed, and shaved, seated — actually seated, in the worst of humours, in a most comfortable first-class carriage by half-past five a.m. Like all men of late habits, when he did break them he did it effectually ; and what with a sleepless night in anticipation of an early start, and the unusual exertion of rising by candlelight, he was as tired when fairly established in the well cushioned arm-chair of the coupe as he ought to have been on his arrival at his destination.

Balmy sleep soon shed her influence over the most faithful of her votaries, and deep were the notes in which the sluggard chanted his own lullaby ; the sleep of ages, we may suppose, would be but as that of one night — nay, of one hour, or even a few minutes, so mys terious is the agency which "tired Nature's kind restorer " exerts over us ; nor is it iir the power of mortal to explain, far less control, that influence which bows the eye, relaxes the muscles, and reduces the whole thinking and intellectual man to the level of that which has no life, " sans eyes, sans ears, sans everything" — what is it but a temporary death ? But to return to my vigdant friend ; small surprise did he betoken at having slept through his journey, when the ringing of bells, the shutting off of steam, and all the bustle of a station brought him back to consciousness.

More in accordance with his usual habits would it have been to have remained snoring in that corner tdl forcibly torn away by guard, stoker, con ductor, and porters ; but he had a great duty to fulfil, and with the recklessness of a desperate man he fixed his knuckles into his twink ling eyes — those eyes which, on ordinary mornings, the comer of a boot-jack would hardly seem to have power to unclose — and with one mighty shake, and a triumphant ex clamation, he grasped his carpet-bag and writing-case, pushed aside the porter who was vainly endeavouring to shut him in, threw back a fareweU glance at the train now moving slowly northward, and striding across the plat form to a stout man in green, and thrusting his ticket into the hands of the astonished functionary, he emerged into the morning air considerably nearer London than Birmingham ; as ere his first impression clothed itself in the half-formed words, " Bless me, howalike all these stations are !

" a second glance revealed the very cab that had brought, and the very driver who had overcharged him, whdst around and above him frowned the classic architecture of Euston-square on his astonished gaze. He had jumped out just as the train started, and although his non-appearance at Birmingham was productive of aU the anticipated inconvenience, I have heard that when he got back to his own house he went to bed again, and quietly finished his night's, or rather his morn ing's rest. Certainly my sleep was not so sound as his, nor was the waking quite so unsatisfactory, as a well-lighted, most comfortable room at the George, with a blazing fire, and that sort of picturesque arrangement of clean table-cloth, glass, and silver, which foretells a well-served dinner, was by no means a bad exchange for the damp cushions and ricketty motion of a post-chaise, letting in the draughts of a Feb ruary afternoon, and cooling the interior till the shivering occupant wonders why a close carriage is supposed to be the warmest, and whether it can be possible that such weather as he feels at his extremities can have anything to do with what we caU a thaw.

Everything looked very like hunting certainly ; I met the smartest of valets carrying the dirtiest of boots and breeches on the staircase. The waiter informed me of a run they had had that day, but quite in the business like, unimportant manner that seemed to say TILBCRY NOGO. such things w-ere of every day occurrence. There were foxes' brushes at the bell-pulls, and the meets, of heaven knows how many, packs of hounds over the chimney-piece. I quite wondered why a man couldn't hunt eighteen times a week. I am somewhat shy, and as a relief from the agreeable society of the waiter I sent for my groom, hoping to ascertain something about things in general from him, and make my arrangements for the morrow. In he came ; such a coat, and such slender supporters ! he looked as if he had put bis arms through his trowsers and his legs in his sleeves.

I saw his hat next day, and was surprised no more after that — " Well, Stubbs, how did you get down ? and how are the horses ?" " Horses all weU, sir, and most of them fit to go ; 'ceptin two as I had out to-day on the Widmerpool side ■ and the mare's got a cough, and the hack's been and hit himself, and Phiz is rather big, I should like to give him a turn afore you ride him, and — " " Stop," said I, not quite liking the way in which he was running through my stud, and wondering what there would be for me to ride; " stop, I must have something for to-morrow ; I see the Belvoir are within reach, and 1 should like to look at them." " Beg your pardon, sir, but to-morrow's the Quorn day, in High Leicestershire, so I kept Barabbas and the young one for you to ride to-morrow ; ten miles from here, sir, and a very good place.

I had the grey out the beginning of the week, and he frames remark ably well, never seems to refuse, pulls un common hard; but I'U put a bridle on, 3ir, that'U soon stop that ; and Barabbas wiU go very weU for second horse, and — " I was forced to interrupt my voluble master of the horse, to beg he would indulge in no vagaries about bridles, as the little experience I have had has convinced me that servants and their masters are apt to differ considerably in their mode of treatment of that most sensitive of all things, a horse's mouth. " Stop, let me have the hack at the door in time, if he is sound, and — " " Dinner, sir," said the waiter ; which fur nished me with a good excuse for getting rid of my attendant, and I stalked into my dress ing-room to wash my hands whdst my soup was cooling, with the comfortable reflection that amongst aU the horses in my stable, the two I would most particularly rather not have ridden for my debut at such a place as Barkby, were a young one, of whom I knew nothing, except that he pulled hard, and was rising six ; and Barabbas, of whom what I did know was by no means enough to give me confidence in a large crowd endeavouring to spod a quick thing over a stiff country.

Chapter III

A fox-hunt to a foreigner is strange, And likewise subject to the double danger Of tumbling first, and having in exchange Some pleasant jesting at the awkward stranger. Mazeppa answered, " 111 betide The school wherein I learned lo ride." The next morning saw me trotting merrily along, after a due study of the map and observation of the sign-posts, on high thoughts intent. I was screwed " up" to the sticking place, and meant mischief. The morning was as if ordered expressly : there had been a slight frost, but the day was clouding over ; and the wind, though scarcely perceptible, had that keenness which so often accompanies fine scenting weather. I had started early, to avoid the companionship of men with whom I had not yet the honour of being acquainted, and many of whom I did not know even by sio-ht, though their names were familiar to my ear and honoured in my heart.

Nimrod s book, " The Hard Riders of England," had taught me, as a boy, to look upon " a good man over a country" with a most reverential feeling ; and I had really never quite got over this sort of hero-worship. It would be the height of injustice to deny that many of those whose names my boyhood honoured solely for their well-known success as sportsmen, have been equally distinguished in the more im portant pursuits of life. Witness the court, the camp, and the bar ; the desert and the ocean, the plains of the Punjaub and the waUs of St. Stephen's. I was a little nervous, certainly, and none the less so for having to ride Grey-friar ; but I was determined to go, and a Uttle more or less of perd made trifling odds. It was a service of danger altogether ; but then the KuSoe, if obtained in that country !

In short, " Do or die " was the motto — very much the feeling with which a Frenchman goes out hunting. His national vanity makes him think the eyes of aU England are upon him, his inborn gallantry impels him to be forward, and his acquired sangfroid prevents him from disclosing his misgivings. He generally rides unmercifully hard, till in the natural course of events he is stopped by a rattling fall, and is invariably flattered with the somewhat doubtful compliment of having gone so extremely well for a Frenchman ; but for all this, I do not think he thoroughly enjoys it. I found my way easily ; and cantering pleasantly over sundry most extensive grass-fields, agreed with the noble lord who used to declare riding to covert in Leicestershire beat hunting any where else. An early breakfast, not so hearty as it might have been, a free-going back, and a fine morning are wonderful things for the spirits ; and I was delighted with the cheerful " Good mornings" of a farmer or two whom I overtook, and the universal touch of the hat from every countryman I met.

A friend of mine used to say, " They always call you My Lord before Christmas ; afterwards, lords are so plentiful here that it is no compliment :" and certainly a scarlet coat is duly appreciated in Leicestershire. " WeU, I rode on, and on I rode," as the old Border ballad has it ; and after over taking sundry horses that looked like the im personation of speed, strength, and gallantry c am at a loss for a classic simile : the Greeks had not an idea of what a horse should be ; look at the heavy-shouldered brutes in the Elgin marbles : no wonder they drove them), I came at last to an open gate, and turning short found myseU in company with two or three men in red coats, looking at the neatest pack of hounds in England. " And so they ought to be ! " I hear the reader exclaim ; well, and so they are : level, powerful, and graceful.