Rory O'More, etc

Front matter

A NATIONAL ROMANCE BY SAMUEL LOVERS- AUTHOR OF -"HANDY ANDY." "HE WOULD BE A GENTLEMAN," ETC ETC. " 'There's luck in odd numbers,' sags Rory O'More." LONDON : RICHARD EDWARD " KING, 88, Curtain Road, E.C. LONDON ; PRINTED BY RICHARD EDWARD KING,. CURTAIN ROAD. CONTENTS. CHAPTER PAGE I. THE COTTAGE OF RORY o'MORE, WITH SCENERY, MACHINERY, DRESSES, AND DECORATIONS 1 II. SHOWING HOW A JOURNEY MAY BE PERFORMED ON A GRIDIRON WITHOUT GOING AS FAR AS ST. LAURENCE 11 III. A PEEP INTO IRELAND FORTY YEARS AGO. — HINTS FOR CHARGING JURIES. — EVERY LANDLORD HIS OWN LAWGIVER. — PRIDE OF BIRTH. — A JOCULAR PRINCE ON FOOT AND A POPULAR PEER ON HORSEBACK ... 25 VI. JOURNEY CONTINUED. — DESULTORY COACH CONVERSA- TION, IN WHICH THE LIBERTY OF ' THE PRESS ' IS DISCUSSED, AND THE THISTLE DECLARED TO BE NOT INDIGENOUS TO IRELAND. — ARGUMENTS AND COACHES LIABLE TO BREAK DOWN. — HINTS FOR KEEPING HOUNDS, ETC, ETC 35 V. WHISKY VERSUS SMALL-POX. — GIBBERISH VERSUS FRENCH. — A SECRET WITH TWO HANDLES TO IT, WHICH OUR HERO AND HIS SISTER LAY HOLD OF ... 49 VI IN WHICH A GENTLEMAN WRITES A LETTER AS LONG AS A lady's 54 VII. A MAN OF LAW AND PHYSIC 62 VIII. 'BRITANNIA RULES THE WAVES '■ 74 IX. THE PRETTY GIRL MILKING HER COW VI CONTENTS. PAOB

CHAPTER X. IN WHICH RORY HEARS AND SEES MORK THAN HE BARGAINED

FOR, AND FINDS IN THE CONCLUSION THE TRUTH OF THE PROVERB, THAT PROVIDENCE NEVER SHUTS ONE DOOR WITHOUT OPENING ANOTHER 92 XI. SHOWING THAT ONE HALF OF THE WORLD DOES NOT KNOW HOW THE OTHER HALF LIVES ; AND ALSO, THAT SOFT WORDS CAN BEND HARD IRON, THOUGH THEY DO NOT BUTTER PARSNIPS ... 109 'IN THE DARK ALL CATS ARE GREY.' — RORY BECOMES POSSESSED OF AN IMPORTANT SECRET, AND DISCLOSES ONE IN EXCHANGE ... ... 120 XII. IN WHICH RORY REMEMBERS THE OLD SAYING OF ' PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT ' ... ... 130 XIII. XIV. IN WHICH IT APPEARS THAT ONE MAN'S SIN MAY PROVE ANOTHER MAN'S SALVATION 134 XV. BEING A MIXTURE OF ROMANCE AND REALITY' ... 139 XVI. AN ' IRISH ' FAIR WITH ONLY ' ONE ' FIGHT IN IT. — DE WELSKEIN'S METAMORPHOSES. — LEARNED PIGS. -ROASTED DUCKS. — LOVE AND MURDER, ETC, ETC. 145 XVII.

Chapter I. The Cottage Of Rory O'moore, With Scenery, Machinery, Dresses, And

DECORATIONS. In a retired district of the south of Ireland, near some wild hills and a romantic river, a small by-road led to a quiet spot, where, at the end of a little lane, or boreen, which was sheltered by some hazel-hedges, stood a cottage which in England would have been considered a poor habitation, but in Ireland was absolutely comfortable, when contrasted with the wretched hovels that most of her peasantry are doomed to dwell in. The walls were only built of mud, but then the doorway and such windows as the cabin had were formed of cut stone, as was the chimney, which last convenience is of rare occurrence in Irish cabins, a hole in the roof generally serving instead. The windows were not glazed, it is true, but we must not expect too much gentility on this point ; and though the light may not be let in as much as it is the intention of such openings to do, yet if the wind be kept out the Irish peasant may be thankful.

A piece of board — or, as Pat says, a wooden pane of glass — may occupy one square, while its neighbour may be brown paper, ornamented inside, perhaps, with a ballad setting forth how ' A sailor coorted a farmer's daughther That lived convaynient to the Isle of Man,' or, maybe, with a print of Saint Patrick banishing the sarpents — or the Virgin Mary in flaring colours, that one might take for ' The king's daughther a come to town, With a red petticoat aud a green gownd. ' But though the windows were not glazed, and there was not a boarded floor in the house, yet it was a snug cottage. Its earthen floors were clean and dry, its thatched roof was sound : the dresser in the principal room was well furnished with dels ; there were two or three chairs and a good many three-legged stools — a spinning-wheel, that sure sign of peace and good conduct — more than one iron pot — more than one bed, and one of those four-posted, with printed calico curtains of a most resplendent pattern : there was a looking-glass, too, in the best bedroom, with only one corner broken off and only three cracks in the middle ; and that further damage might not be done to this most valuable piece of furniture — most valuable I say, for there was a pretty girl in the house who wanted it every Sunday morning to see that her bonnet was put on becomingly before she went to chapel — that no further damage might be done, I say, this inimitable looking-glass was imbedded in the wall with a framework of mortar round it, tastefully ornamented with cross bars, done by the adventurous hand of Rory O'More himself, who had a genius for handling a trowel.

This came to him by inheritance, for his father had been a mason ; which accounts for the cut-stone door-way, windows, and chimney of the cottage, that Rory's father had built for himself. But when I say Rory had a genius for handling a trowel, I do not mean to say he followed the trade of his father — he did not — it was a gift of nature which Rory left quite unencumbered by any trammels of art ; for as for line and rule, these were beneath Rory's con sideration ; this the setting of the glass proved — for there was no attempt at either the perpendicular, the horizontal, or the plane ; aud from the last being wanting, the various portions of the glass presented different angles, so that it reflected a very distorted image of every object, and your face, if you would believe the glass, was as crooked as a ram's horn — which I take to be the best of all comparisons for crookedness.

Mary O'More, however, though as innocent a girl as any in the country, did not believe that her face was very crooked : it was poor Rory who principally suffered, for he was continually giving himself most uncharitable gashes in shaving, which Rory attributed to the razor, when in fact it was the glass was in fault ; for when he fancied he was going to smooth his upper lip, the chances were that he was making an assault on his nose, or cutting a slice off his chin. But this glass has taken up a great deal too much time — which, after all, is not uncommon : when people get before a glass, they are very likely to linger there longer than they ought. But I need not go on describing any more about the cottage — nobody wants an inventory of its furniture, and I am neither an auctioneer nor a bailiff's keeper.

I have said Rory's father was a mason. Now his mother was a widow — argal (as the grave digger hath it") his father was dead. Poor O'More, after laying stones all his life, at last had a stone laid over him ; and Rory, with filial piety, carved a crucifix upon it surmounted by the letters I. U.S. and underneath this inscription : ' Pray for the sowl of Rory O'More ; Requiescat in pace.' This inscription was Rory's first effort in sepulchral sculpture, and, from his inexperience in the art, it presented a ludicrous appearance : for, from the importance Rory attached to his father's soul — or, as he had it, sowl — he wished to make the word par ticularly conspicuous ; but, in doing this, he cut the letters so large chat he did not leave himself room to finish the word, and it became divided — the word requiescat became also divided : the inscription, therefore, stood as follows : — You were thus called on to pray for the Sow in one corner, while the Cat was conspicuous in the other.

Such was Rory's first attempt in this way, and though the work has often made others smile, poor Rory's tears had moistened every letter of it, and this humble tombstone was garlanded with as much affection as the more costly ones of modern Pere-la-Chaise: and though there were none who could read who did not laugh at the absurdity, yet they regarded Rory's feelings too much to let him be a witness of such mirth. Indeed, Rory would have resented with indignation the attempt to make the grave of his father the subject of laughter ; for in no country is the hallowed reverence for father and mother more observed than in Ireland. Besides, Rory was not a little proud of his name. He was taught to believe there was good blood in his veins, and that he was descended from the O'Mores of Leinster. Then, an old schoolmaster in the district, whose pupil Rory had been, was constantly recounting to him the glorious deeds of his progenitors — or, as he called them, his ' owld anshint anshisthers in the owld anshint times ' — and how he should never disgrace himself by doing a dirty turn; ' Not that I ever seen the laste sign iv it in you, ma houchal — but there's no knowin'.

And sure the divil's busy wid us sometimes, and dales in timtay shins, aud lays snares for us ail, as one av you'd snare a hare or ketch sparrows in a thrap ; and who can tell the minit that he might be layin' salt on your tail onknownst to you, if you worn't smart ? — and therefore be always mindful of your anshisters, that wor of the highest blood in Ireland, and in one of the highest places in it too, Dunamaise — I mane the rock of Dunamaise, and no less. And there is where Rory O'More, King of Leinster, lived in glory time out o' mind ; and the Lords of the Pale daren't touch him — and pale enough he made them often, I go bail : — and there he was — like an aigle on his rock, and the dirty English afeard o' their lives to go within miles iv him, and he shut up his castle as stout as a ram.' In such rhodomontade used Phelim O'Flanagan to flourish away, and delight the ears of Rory and Mary, and the widow no less.

Phelim was a great character : he wore a scratch wig that had been built somewhere about the year One, and from its ap pearance might justify the notion that Phelim's wig-box was a dripping-pan. He had a pair of spectacles, which held their place upon his nose by taking a strong grip of it, producing thereby a snuffling pronunciation, increased by his taking of snuff : indeed, so closely was his proboscis embraced by this primitive pair of spectacles, that he could not have his pinch of snuff with out taking them off, as they completely blockaded the passage. They were always stuck low down on his nose, so that he could see over them when he wished it, and this he did for all distant objects ; while for reading he was obliged to throw his head back to bring his eyes to bear through the glasses ; and this, forcing the rear of his wig downwards on the collar of his coat, shoved it forward on his forehead and stripped the back of his pate : in the former case, his eyes were as round as an owl's ; and in the other, closed nearly into the expression of disdain, or at least of great consequence.

His coat was of grey frieze, and his nether garments of buckskin, equalling the polish of his wig, and sur pa>sing that of his shoes, which indeed were not polished, except on Sunday, or such occasions as the priest of the parish was expected to pay his school a visit — and then the polish was pro duced by the brogues being greased, so that the resemblance to the wig was more perfect. Stockings he had. after a sort ; th.it is to say, he had woollen cases for bis legs, but there were not any feet to them : they were stuffed into the shoe to make believe, and the deceit was tolerably well executed in front, where Phelim had them under his eye; but, like Achilles, he was vulnerable in the heel — indeed, worse off than that renowned hero, for he had only one heel unprotected, while poor Phelim had both.

On. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, Phelim had a shirt — you saw he had ; but towards the latter end of the week, from the closely buttoned coat, and the ambuscade of a spotted handkerchief round his neck, there was ground for suspicion that the shirt was under the process of washing, that it might be ready for service on Sunday ; when, at mass, Phelim's shirt was always at its freshest. There was a paramount reason, to be sure, why Phelim sported a clean shirt in chapel on Sunday : he officiated as clerk during the service — or, as it would be said amongst the peasantry, he ' sarved mass ' ; and in such a post of honour personal decency is indispensable. In this service he was assisted by a couple of boys, who were the head of his school, and enjoyed great im munities in consequence. In the first place they were supposed, from virtue of the dignity to which they were advanced, to understand more Latin than any of the rest of the boys ; and from the necessity of their being decently clad, they were of course the sons of the most comfortable farmers in the district, who could afford the luxury of shoes and stockings to their child ren, to enable them to act as acolytes.

The boys themselvesseemed to like the thing well enough, as their frequent passing and repassing behind the priest at the alter, with various genu flexions, gave them a position of importance before the neighbours that was gratifying ; and they seemed to be equally pleased up to one point, and to proceed in perfect harmony until the ringing of a little bell, and that was the signal for a fight between them. When I say fight, I do not mean that they boxed each other before (or rather behind) the priest, but to all intents aud pur poses there was a struggle who should get the bell, as that seemed the great triumph of the day ; and the little bell certainly had a busy time of it, for the boy that had it seemed endued with a prodigious accession of devotion ; and as he bent himself to the very earth, he rattled the bell fill it seemed choking with its superabundant vibration ; while the Christianity of his brother acolyte seemed to suffer in proportion to the piety of his rival, for he did not bow half so low, and was lookingwith a sidelong eye and sulky mouth at his victorious coadjutor.

As for Phelim, his post of houour was robing and unrobing the priest before the altar ; for in the humble little chapel where all this was wont to occur there was no vestry — the priest was habited in his vestments in the presence of his congregation. But Phelim's great triumph seemed to be assisting his clergy in sprinkling the flock with holy water. This was done by means of a large sprinkling-brush, which the priest dipped from time to time in a vessel of holy water which Phelim held, and waving it to the right and left, cast it over the multitude. For this purpose, at a certain period, the little gate of a small area railed round the altar was opened, and forth stepped the priest, followed by Phelim bearing the holy water. Now it happened that the vessel which held it was no other than a bucket.

I do not mean this irrever ently, for holy water would be as holy in a bucket as in a golden urn ; but, God forgive me ! I could not help thinking it rather queer to see Phelim bearing this great bucket of water, with a countenance indicative of the utmost pride and importance, following* the priest, who advanced through the crowd, that opened and bowed before him as his reverence ever and anon turned round, popped his sprinkling-brush into the water, and slashed it about right and left over his flock, that courted the shower, and were the happier the more they were wet. Poor people 1 if it made them happy, where was the harm of it ? A man is not considered unworthy of the blessings of the constitution of Great Britain by getting wet to the skin iu the pelting rain of the equinox ; and I cannot, nor ever could see, why a few drops of holy water should exclude him. — But hang philosophy ! what has it to do with a novel ?

Phelim, like a great many other hedge-schoolmasters, held his rank in the Church of Rome from his being able to mumble some scraps of Latin, which, being the only language his Sable Majesty does not understand, is therefore the one selected for the celebration of the mass. How a prince of his importance could be so deficient in his education may well create surprise, par ticularly as he is so coustant an inmate of our universities. Phelim's Latin, to be sure, could scarcely ' shame the d — 1,' though certainly it might have puzzled him. It was a barbarous jargon, and but for knowing the phrases he meant to say, no one could comprehend him. Spiritu tuo was from his mouth,'Sper chew chew 6,' and so on. Nevertheless, it was not in chapel alone that Pheiim sported his Latin — nor in his school either, where, for an additional twopence a week, he inducted his scholars into the mysteries of the classics (and mysteries might they well be called) — but even in his social intercourse he was fond of playing the pedant and astonishing the vulgar ; and as poaching piscators throw medicated crumbs into the water where they fish, so Phelim flung about his morsels of Latin to catch his gudgeons.

Deriva tions were his forte : and, after elucidating something in that line, he always said. • Derry wather ! ' aud took snuff with an air of sublimity. Or. if he overcame an antagonist in an argument, which was seldom the case, because few dared to engage with him — but, when an individual was rash enough to encounter Phelim, he always slaughtered him with big words, and instead of address ing his opponent, he would turn to the company present and say, ' Now I'll make yiz all sinsible to a demonstheration ; ' and then, after he had held them suspended in wonder for a few minutes at the jumble of hard words which neither he nor they under stood, he would look round the circle with a patronising air, saying, ' You persaive — Q. E. D. what was to be demonstherated ! ' This always finished the argument in the letter, but not in the spirit; for Phelim, though he secured silence, did not produce persuasion : his adversary often kept his own opinion, but kept it a secret too, as long as Phelim was present ; ' for how,' as they themselves said when his back was turned, ' could it be expected for them to argufy with him when he took to discoorsin them out o' their common sense? — and the hoighth o' fine language it sar tainly was — but sure it wouldn't stand to raison ' How many a speech in higher places is worthy of the same commentary !

Perhaps I have lingered too long in detailing these peculiarities of Phelim; but he was such an original that a sketch of him was too great a temptation to be resisted : besides, as he is about to appear immediately, I wished the reader to have some idea of the sort of person he was. The evening was closing as Phelim O'Flanagan strolled up the boreen leading to the widow O'More's cottage. On reaching the house, he saw the widow sitting at the doorknitting. ' God save you, Mrs. O'More ! ' said Phelim. ' God save you kindly ! ' answered the widow. ' Faith, then, it's yourself is the industherous woman, Mrs. O'More, for it is working you are airly and_ late : and to think of your being at the needles now, and the evenin' closin' in ! ' ' Oh, I don't call this work,' said the widow ; ' it is only jist to have something to do, and not be lost with idleness, that I'm keepin' my hands goin'.' ' And your eyes too, 'faith — and God spare them to you.' ' Amin, dear,' said the widow. ' And where is the colleen, that she isn't helpin' you ? ' ' Oh, she's just gone beyant the meadow there, to cut nettles for the chickens — she'll be in in a minit.

Won't you sit down, Mr. O'Flanagan ? — you'd betther dhraw a sate.' ' I'm taller standin', Mrs. O'More — thank you all the same, ma'am. And where would Rory be ? ' ' Why, indeed, the Scholar wint out shootin', and Rory wint wid him. It's fond of the sport he is, Mr. O'Flanagan, as you know.' ' Thrue for you, ma'am ; it's hard if I wouldn't, when I sot over him for five years and betther ; and hard it was to keep him undher ! for he was always fond o' sport.' ' But not the taste o' vice in him, Phelim dear,' said the mother. ' No, no, Mrs. O'More, by no manes — nothing but heart and fun in him ; but not the sign o' mischief. Aud why wouldn't he fike to go a start with the young gintleman a-shootin' ? — the dog and the gun is tempting to man ever since the days o' Vargil himself, who says, with great beauty and discrimination, " Anna virumque cano ; " which manes, " Arms, men, and dogs," which is three things that always goes together since the world began.' ' Think o' that now ! ' said the widow : ' and so Vargo used to go shootin' ! ' ' Not exactly, Mrs. O'More, my dear : besides, the man's name was not Vargo, but Vargil.

Vargo, Mrs. O'More, manes the Virgin.' ' God forgi' me ! ' said the widow ; ' is it the blessed Vargin I said wint shootin' ? ' and she crossed herself. ' No, Mrs. O'More, my dear — by no manes. Vargo means only vargin ; which is not blessed without you join it to something else. But Vargil was the man's name ; he was a great Roman pote.' ' Oh, the darlin' ! ' said the widow ; ' and was he a Roman ? ' ' Not as you mane it, Mrs. O'More, my dear : he was not a good Catholic — and more's the pity, and a sore loss to him! But he didn't know betther, for they were lost in darkness in them days, and had not the knowledge of uz. But whin I say he was a Roman, I mane he was one of that famous nation — (and tarin' fellows they wor) — Romani popu/i, as we say, his nativity being cast in Mantua, which is a famous port of that country, you persaive, Mrs. O'More.' Here Mrs. O'More dropped her ball of worsted ; and Phelim, not wishing a word of his harangue to be lost, waited till the widow was reseated and in a state of attention again. 'Mantua, I say, Mrs. O'More, a famous port of the Romani populi — the port of Mantua — which retains to this day the honour of Vargil's nativity beiu' cast in that same place, you persaive, Mrs. O'More ? ' ' Yis, yis, Mr. O'Flanagan, I'm mindin' you, sir. Oh, what a power o' larnin' you have !

Well, well, but it's wondhefful ! — and sure I never heerd afore of anyone bein' born in a portmantia.' ' Oh ! ho, ho, ho ! Mrs. O'More ! No, my dear ma'am,' said Phelim laughing, ' I didn't say he was born in a portmantia : I said the port of Mantua, which was a territorial possession, or B domain, as I may say, of the Romani populi, where Vargil had his nativity cast — that is to say, was born.' 'Dear, dear! what knowledge you have, Mr. O'Flanagan! — and no wondher you'd laugh at me ! But sure, no wondher at the same time, when I thought you wor talkin' of a portmantia. that I would wondher at a child bein' sent into the world in that manner.' ' Quite nath'ral, Mrs. O'More, my dear — quite nath'ral,' said Phelim. ' But, can you tell me ' ' To be sure I can,' said Phelim : ' what is it ? ' ' I mane, would you tell me, Mr. O'Flanagan, is that the place portmantias come from ? ' ' Why, indeed, Mrs. O'More, it is likely, from the derry wation, that it is : but, you see, these is small thrifles of history that is not worth the while o' great min to notice ; and by reason o' that same we are left to our own conjectures in sitch matters.' ' Dear, dear !

Well — but, sir, did that gintleman you were talkin' about go a shootin' — that Mr. Varjuice ? ' ' Vargil, Mrs. O'More — Var-gil.' said Phelim with authority. ' I beg his pard'n, and yours, sir.' ' No offince, Mrs. O'More. Why, ma'am, as for goin' shootin' he did not — and for various raisons : guns was scarce in thim times, and gunpowdher was not in vogue, but was, by all accounts, atthributed to Friar Bacon posteriorly.' ' Oh, the dirty divils ! ' said the widow, ' to fry theii bacon with gunpowdher ! — that bates all I ever heerd.' Phelim could not help laughing outright at the widow's mis take, and was about to explain, but she was a little annoyed at being laughed at, and Rory O'More and the Scholar, as he was called, having returned at the moment, she took the opportunity of retiring into the house, and left Phelim and his explanation and the sportsmen all together.

Chapter II. Showing How

A JOURNEY MAY BE PERFORMED ON A GRIDIRON WITHOUT GOING AS FAR AS ST. LAURENCE. The arrival of Rory O'More and the Scholar having put an end to the colloquy of the widow and Phelim O'Flanagan, the reader may as well be informed, during the pause, who the person is already designated under the title of ' the Scholar.' It was some weeks before the opening of our story that Rory O'More had gone to Dublin, for the transaction of some business connected with the lease of the little farm of the widow — if the few acres she held might be dignified with that name. There was only some very subordinate person on the spot to whom any com munication on the subject could be made ; for the agent, following the example of the lord of the soil, was an absentee from the property as well as his employer ; — the landlord residing principally in London, though deriving most of his income from Ireland, and the agent living in Dublin, making half-yearly visits to the tenantry, who never saw his face until he came to ask them for their rents.

As it happened that it was in the six months' in terregnum that the widow wished to arrange about her lease, she sent her son to Dublin for the purpose — ' For what's the use,' said she, ' of talking to that fellow that's down here, who can never give you a straight answer, but goes on with his gosther, and says he'll write about it, and will have word for you next time ; and so keeps you goin' hither and thither, and all the time the thing is just where it was before, and never comes to anything ? — So, Rory, dear, in God's name go off yourself and see the agint in Dublin, and get the rights of the thing out of his own mouth.' So Rory set out for Dublin, not without plenty of cautions from his mother to take care of himself in the town, for she heard it was the ' dickens' own place ; and I'm told they're sich rogues there, that if you sleep with your mouth open, they'll stale the teeth out o' your head.' ' Faix, and maybe they'd find me like a weasel asleep,' answered Rory — ' asleep with my eyes open : and if they have such a fancy for my teeth, maybe it's in the shape of a bite they'd get them.' For Rory had no small notion of his own sagacity.

The wonders of Dublin gave Rory, on his return, wide field for descanting upon, and made his hearers wonder in turn. But this is not the time nor place to touch on such matters. Suffice it here to say, Rory transacted his business in Dublin satisfactorily; and having done so, he mounted his outside place on one of the coaches from town, and found himself beside a slight, pale, but rather handsome young gentleman, perfectly free from anything of that repulsive bearing which sometimes too forcibly marks the distinction between the ranks of parties that may chance to meet in such promiscuous society as that which a public conveyance huddles together. He was perfectly accommodating to his fellow travellers while they were shaking themselves down into their places, and on the journey he conversed freely with Rory on. such subjects as the passing occurrences of the road suggested.