The Sorrows of a Golfer's Wife

Chapter I Taking To Golf

We have been married nine years, and although we have had our little tiffs and occasional dis agreements, it has become the fashion amongst our intimate friends to hold us up as a model couple. To do Jack justice,, he is — or rather was — a good specimen of a husband, as husbands go nowadays. He had but one fault, which, poor dear, he was not altogether responsible for From the very commencement of his career, Fate had treated him kindly, and at the com paratively early age of eighteen, he came into a fortune of over a year. Now, people with £5000 a year don't work; those that do are the exceptions. Jack belonged to the rule, A and his misfortune consisted in having no pro fession and nothing real to occupy his time. At least, I always believed so, although he him self invariably declared that he did not want to work, and was perfectly happy as he was.

It might be so, but in my humble opinion he lost sight of the pernicious effect a protracted course of idleness is bound to have on the moral character. Jack fiddled away his time to his complete satisfaction, but it ought to have been more usefully employed. Of course, I tried to per suade him to go into Parliament. I imagine that ' The House ' is the goal of every ambitious woman's aspirations, and I don't mind confess ing I am ambitious. But Jack flatly refused to have anything to do with the legislation of his country, declared we were the victims of too many laws as it was, and he would not be a party to framing any more; and when we went to London for the season, I had the mortifica tion of not being invited to the great political functions. Downing Street knew me not ; and the doors of the Foreign Office were closed.

To my grief, that boor of a Jack vowed he vastly preferred the pleasures of Hurlingham and Ranelagh to those of Westminster. It was useless my representing that he did not make the most of the advantages conferred upon him by birth. He only laughed good-humouredly in reply, and sealed my mouth with a kiss. After that, what use to continue the argument ? It was a regular man's way of putting a stop to it. As already explained, we were the very best of friends, but our minds were cast in different moulds. I often told him that we ought to change sex. He should have been the woman, I the man. He simply exploded when I made this remark, and taking me by the wrists, forced them backwards until I was fain to retract my words for very pain. But, directly I regained my liberty, I informed him, with righteous contempt, that brute strength counted for nothing, and was a sign of degeneracy, as showing a similitude to the animals.

Jack hunted, fished, shot, and played various games. For these latter he possessed an aptitude which made me sigh. It seemed to me so much ability wasted. Except on a pouring wet day, my lord and master contrived to amuse himself well enough. He was an athletic creature, with a healthy appetite, an excellent temper, and sound in wind and limb. Nevertheless, there was no getting rid of him. By this, I mean that he was for ever hanging about the house, fussing and interfering with the servants, and generally en croaching upon what I considered my woman's province. He meant no harm by it, but it was irritating to the nerves to have a great man stalk ing about the rooms at all hours of the day. In short, like many another wealthy squire, he suffered from the curse of idleness. He was a lion among mice in his own home, but he looked at the outside world through a microscope.

Still, on the whole, harmony reigned throughout our establishment, and it is not going beyond the mark to say that we jogged along decidedly better than the majority of married couples. There came a time, however, when Jack met with a bad accident in the hunting field, and sprained the muscles of his right thigh so severely that, for a considerable period, he was forced to give up his favourite amusement. This was a great blow, for can you imagine anything more utterly melancholy than a horsey man living in the centre of a crack hunting country, and unable to ride? He at once becomes dethroned from a human being to a misery. Jack fretted his heart out. I must say I felt for the poor fellow; he was so completely thrown on his beam ends, and the resources of a yellow-backed novel did not suffice.

I therefore proposed that we should go abroad, and even suggested Monte Carlo, although I do not approve of gambling. But, for some reason or other, he did not take to the idea. ' When one does not feel quite up to the mark, one is better in one's own home than anywhere else,' he remarked, somewhat despondently. I could not gainsay the truth of this observa tion, so we stayed on in Midlandshire, both of us getting more and more bored, and, as a consequence, irritable. For, sad to say, when married people are thrown altogether on their own resources and receive no help from the out side world, they exhibit a deplorable tendency, as a rule, to spar with one another. It is a means of passing the time, and the daily monotony of constant intercourse is enlivened by argument. However this may be, I know that Jack and I always agreed better when we were not dependent entirely on each other for amusement.

The presence of a third person often makes the wheels of the matrimonial coach run smoother. So we were both glad when a frost came and one of Jack's greatest friends — a man named George Donaldson — offered to pay us a visit. ' George will liven us up, Janie,' said Jack, more cheerfully than he had spoken for days. 'By all means write and tell him to come. He is such a capital old chap. The mere sight of him will do me good.' I did as I was bidden, with the result that, two days later, Mr Donaldson arrived. He was what is termed 'a man's man,' and although by no means a bad sort of fellow, I never could get up much sentiment about him. He was Jack's friend, not mine. Nevertheless, I was very willing to welcome him in that capacity, for my better half needed male companionship. ' We are so glad you have come,' I said cordially. ' Poor Jack has been most dreadfully dull all this time, and wants cheering up.' ' Ah ! poor chap,' responded Mr Donaldson. ' It is crushing hard lines for him being laid up so early in the hunting season.

Those sprained muscles are nasty things to cure. I had one once, and it took me a deuce of a time to get rid of. Indeed, I ended by thinking I never should be well.' ' That is just how I feel,' said Jack. ' And the worst of it is, I never was better in my life, apart from my beastly old leg.' ' Have you tried riding at all, dear boy ? ' inquired George sympathetically. ' Yes, but it gives me such infernal pain in the thigh that I literally screamed aloud. Since then the doctor has absolutely forbidden equestrian exercise, so here I am, as savage as a bear with a sore head.' 'You must not believe quite all he tells you,' I interposed. 'Considering the trying nature of the circumstances, Jack really has been very fairly good. He only wants one thing to recover the normal sweetness of his temper.' ' And what is that ? ' demanded George Donaldson. ' He suffers from the usual complaint of the rich man — too much to eat ; too little to do.

He wants an occupation, or, failing that, an amusement.' ' Ah ! Mrs Calthorpe, you are always down on the men. It's very well to talk about work, but there is not enough work for us all to do. Indeed, it is a blessing for the majority that the minority are not obliged to make galley slaves of themselves.' So saying, he stretched his fine, muscular limbs and smiled a superior smile at me. That smile had the effect, in vulgar parlance, of putting my back up. Donaldson pandered to Jack's weaknesses, and went out of his way to make them appear virtues. Whenever he stayed with us, I always felt that my influence over my husband was lessened. And a woman never really likes a man who possesses almost as much power over her lord and master as she does herself. There is generally warfare between them, even although it be of that subtle kind which escapes observation.

Jack had not the faintest notion that George Donaldson and I were not bosom friends. Some men are curiously obtuse, but there are occasions when their obtuseness has advantages. To-day, I rejoiced that he had no idea his friend and I did not exactly hit it off. As for George, no doubt he was not aware that I knew he was in the habit of alluding to me behind my back as 'a bit of a handful' That expression had once been repeated to me through the medium of a mutual friend, and I don't mind confessing it had rankled ever since. For I did not consider it deserved, and prided myself on the influence I had over my husband being entirely for his good. But I am told this is an amiable delusion common to all wives. However, I am digressing after my wont. Pray have patience. Jack cheered up a good deal after Mr Donald son's arrival.

His appetite improved, and he came to the comforting conclusion that he had still a few more years to live in this vale of tears. Like the majority of his sex, he suffered from acute depression of spirits directly the slightest ailment assailed him. George succeeded in distracting his thoughts from the subject of his own health, and in this way did him a con siderable service. What Jack complained most of was want of exercise. He had been in hard condition prior to his accident, and had hunted regularly five days a week. ' I shall get so infernally fat,' he observed pathetically. ' You can walk, can't you ? ' inquired George. ' Yes ; but a constitutional with no other object save that of hygiene is infernally slow.' And Jack tried politely to hide a yawn. Then, in an evil hour, George Donaldson made the suggestion which has sapped all my domestic peace, and reduced me to the humili ating position of a nonentity and a mere golfer's wife.

I speak with feeling, for, from being the first person to be considered in our establishment, I am now nowhere in comparison with Silvertown balls, brassies, cleeks, lofters, niblicks, etc. You may laugh, but I assure you in all seriousness that it was a bad day for me when George said to my husband, 'Well, old man, if you don't care for legging it along the roads without an object, which I agree with you in thinking deadly dull work, why the dickens don't you start golf? It is the best game in the world, and would be the very thing for you in your present condition- Is you once take to golf, you're a happy man, and a man with an occupation for the remainder of your life.' ' I have not the least idea how to play it,' said Jack dubiously. 'Perhaps not, but that is no reason why you should not learn.

Everyone is mad about it nowadays, and, as I said before, you are a made man if you develop a taste for it.' ' What a taste, to be sure ! ' I exclaimed scorn fully ; for I could not help thinking that George might have proposed some more profitable em ployment. Somewhat to my surprise — for Jack is naturally indolent — he took to the idea, and the very next morning both gentlemen sallied forth into our fields with the intention of marking out a golf course. We had about twenty acres of grass land attached to the hunting box which we occupied. Hitherto we had done a little amateur farming, and, not being on too extended a scale, it had paid very fairly. In ordinary years we got our hay off the ground, and kept a few sheep and oxen during the winter months. After being fattened, they were usually sold at a profit.

It took the two gentlemen, assisted by the gardener, the stud groom, the butler and three of the stablemen all the morning to lay out the proposed golf course. The former came into luncheon with huge appetites, and were off again to select more greens immediately the meal was over. I could not accuse them of lounging about the house on this particular day. Jack looked more cheerful than he had done for ages, and, little knowing what was in store, I congratulated myself on his having found such a nice amusement, especially as it was one that took him out of doors, and ensured fresh air and exercise. I had not the faintest notion what the golf mania entailed when once it was fully developed. If I had known, instead of smiling on my lord and master and encouraging him to proceed, I should have taken up George's irons and made a bonfire of them — at anyrate, of that portion which would burn.

Perhaps it is as well that we are not able to peer into the pages of Futurity. We should find much there to give us pause. If anyone had assured me that my husband would become so enthusiastic about a mere game that he would talk of it to the exclusion of every other topic, think of nothing else morning, noon and night, and end by actually living for it, I would not have believed him. I should have given Jack credit for more sense than to become the slave of a wooden stick and a white-washed ball. However, I must not anticipate. It is better for me to endeavour to put down events exactly as they happened, and in their proper sequence.

Chapter II

'THEM GREENS' FROM the very first, Jack appeared quite en amoured of the game of golf. On the opening day, when darkness drove him indoors, his face wore a flush of health, and I listened with pleasure to his descriptions of the new amuse ment to which his friend had introduced him. On the following morning the pair sallied out again, and I saw nothing of my hubby until luncheon time. This was rather annoy ing, since it so happened I had to pay the servants their monthly wages, and wanted a cheque for the purpose. My habits are methodi cal, and I pay punctually, as a rule. It is the best way of managing and retaining control over a household. Not wishing to depart from my usual custom, I put on my hat and walked to the nearest field, which Jack and George Donaldson were just entering. 'Can you come in for a moment, dear?' I asked in all confidence, never dreaming that Jack would meet the request with a refusal. 'I shall not keep you long.

I only want you to write out a cheque or two for current exy penses. 'You must wait, Janie,' he responded. 'I cannot possibly come now. George and I are having a first-rate game, and would you believe it, at the present moment I am actually two holes to the good. He is giving me a stroke a hole.' And he beamed upon me in the most cheerful manner. !You forget that I do not understand the game. Your golfing language is so much gib berish to me,' I replied, seeing the uselessness of pressing my request. I therefore stood for a minute or two and watched the players, being anxious, if the truth must be told, to discover wherein the excitement consisted. It was Jack's turn to drive — that, I was assured, was the correct term. Barker, our stud groom, who accompanied his master, and carried a variety of implements, now bent down.

He took a handful of sand from a wooden box close by, and with his big fingers squeezed it into the shape of a small pyramid. This he carefully poised on a spot where the grass grew extra short. He was some time before the operation was performed to his satisfaction. Jack watched it with interest, throwing out sundry suggestions. When all was ready, he turned to me, and, desirous of displaying his superior knowledge, said, — ' That is called a " tee up," Janie.' ' Oh ! indeed,' I responded. ' May I ask if it is imperative to take Barker away from his work at an hour when, by rights, he ought to be busy with the horses ? ' And I looked in quiringly at Jack. ' He can see to them later on,' was the answer. ' Barker is awfully useful as a caddie.' ' A caddie ! What in the name of goodness is that?' Jack laughed. ' You little ignoramus !

A caddie is a caddie, of course.' ' So I infer ; but that explanation, lucid as it is, does not, unfortunately, enlighten my ignorance, of which you complain.' ' A caddie,' here interposed Mr Donaldson, ' merely means an individual — usually a boy — who carries the clubs, and whose duty it is to watch where the ball descends after each stroke.' ' I am much obliged for the information,' I replied. ' Forgive my stupidity if I put another question. Is it necessary that the caddie should be paid at the rate of thirty shillings a week ? That, I believe, is the amount received by Barker.' ' Come, shut up, Janie,' said Jack testily. ' We need not go into that just now. Barker's business is to do precisely what I tell him to do.' ' I do not venture to dispute it ; I only doubt the wisdom of taking him away from a lot of valuable horses in order to carry about a few sticks.' ' He has wonderful eyesight,' said Jack apolo getically. ' He always sees where the ball goes, and you know, Janie, how short-sighted I am.' ' And yet you can hunt,' I observed, with the sarcasm which is one of my failings.

Time has since taught me that it does not do to say sharp things at other people's expense, but in those days I seldom resisted the temptation. Jack was a little annoyed by my remarks, but instead of continuing the discussion, he placed his ball on the top of the ' tee ' and said, — ' Now, Janie, don't baulk me with any more talk, there's a dear, good soul. I'm going to drive off. Do you see that white flag yonder? That is in green No. 6, and the object of the game is to get to each green in as few strokes as possible.' Upon this, Jack proceeded to put himself into an attitude which was not wholly becoming to his manly style of beauty. He stood with his legs firmly planted and wide apart. The right toe was turned out, the left slanted in. His knees were slightly bent, his back rounded. He squared his elbows as a preliminary, then raised the driver aloft and waggled it several times in the most absurd manner.

This, I was informed, was the proper way in which to take aim. In my humble opinion, anything more calculated to divert the eye could not well have been de vised. After quite a minute of anxious in decision, he suddenly swung the club far over his head, and smote at the ball with all his strength. I laughed out loud. Perhaps you suppose that, after these numerous preparations, the ball went bounding into infinite space. Not it. Jack made a clean miss, and, losing his balance, fell full length on the ground. He picked himself up, looKing rather rueful. 'That comes of wanting to show off,' he said. ' If you had not been there, Janie, the chances are I should not have missed. You made me foozle.' B 'Thank you,' I replied, tossing my head aloft. ' That is a very pretty speech, and one that does credit to your marital politeness.

All the same, I fail to see what my presence had to do with your missing the ball. However, by all means assume that I am the culprit if it affords you any satisfaction. You are but taking a leaf out of your ancestor's book who inhabited the Garden of Eden.' 'Come, Janie, have a try yourself,' said Jack good-naturedly, ignoring my jibes, as, to do him justice, he generally did. So saying, he offered me his club, I by this time having effectually interrupted their game. I don't attempt to defend myself. I am a very faulty person, cursed with an exaggerated sensitiveness and a warm temper. The two combined are always getting me into trouble. I could see that Jack was quite happy without me, and secretly longed for my absence. Instead, therefore, of taking his offer as it was meant, I turned up my nose, and said, ' Not I. It is an idiotic game, and for my part, I can see nothing whatever in it.' From that day, partly from ill-humour, partly from an inward conviction that golf required an immense deal of skill and practice, I set my face obstinately against it.

I jeered at the pastime, I scoffed at and derided it. If my object were to vex Jack, I succeeded only too well. He might have climbed to the very tip top of the ladder had he directed as much energy to any sensible pursuit as he now devoted to golf. He was a changed being. Little by little, our household became revolutionised. All the able-bodied men connected with the establish ment were gradually pressed into the golfer's service. When George Donaldson left, Barker was promoted to playing with his master. It was not long before he too caught the mania. Then Charles, our second horseman, took Barker's place as caddie, and the horses were left more and more to the care of under-strappers. Not that I can accuse Barker of neglecting them, but he was unable to devote the same time and attention to his charges when, from early morn until dusk, he was playing golf in the fields with Jack.

But this was only the beginning of my troubles. One day I went round the kitchen garden, and found things there all behindhand. Jack had ordered the gardener on to the golf ground to roll the greens and flatten them down with a heavy roller. It was useless to send for him. I was rapidly learning that golf was a rival, possessing greater charms than I. This was a pleasing lesson for a fond wife, as you may imagine. With regard to Johnson — that is our gardener's name — I watched my opportunity and contrived to waylay him on his return. The poor fellow, who had been in our service ever since we married, was literally running down with perspiration. As I stopped him, he mopped his damp brow with a red cotton pocket handkerchief. ' Johnson,' I said, ' I want to speak to you about the garden,' and I fixed a severe eye upon him, for I was vexed at certain traces of neglect. ' Ah, mum,' he responded dolefully, ' you may well do that.

It goes to my heart to see it as it is, that it does. But what will you have ? I can't be in two places at once, do what I will. The thing ain't possible.' ' It is not your fault if you are not ubiquitous,' I said soothingly, for he had a nervous tempera ment, and often a trifle sufficed to render him unhappy. 'Thank you, mum. You are very kind, I am sure,' and once more he applied the handkerchief to his brow. 'The garden, Johnson, ought to be your first duty,' I remarked. 'One would have thought so,' he sighed in return, for, to do him justice, his heart was centred in his work. ' But the master's orders must be obeyed, and he evidently thinks other wise. I planted a nice lot of spring cauliflowers yesterday, and was just a-going to water 'em.' (' I shouldn't wonder if they was all dead by now.' This parenthetically.) ' I had my water cans all ready filled, when Mr Calthorpe, he sent for me to the golf ground.

I was that put about, that I made so bold as to mention the cauli flowers. I pointed out that the garden was not being done by as it should. Upon this, the master flared up all of a sudden like, and said he did not care a damn what became of a rotten lot of green stuff — that was the cauliflowers, if you please, mum — and that the garden might go to the devil, but have his greens rolled he must and would. It give me quite a turn, I can assure you.' 'Never mind, Johnson,' I said consolingly. ' You must not take these small matters too seriously. Mr Calthorpe does not mean all that he says.' ' I hope not, mum. As for those blessed greens — I've been at them nearly the whole of the day, and you have no idea what hard work it is rolling them. I'd a deal sooner attend to my garden, for I'm running down with sweat.' ' I must speak to Mr Calthorpe on the subject,' I said, with all the dignity of a woman ac customed to have her own way. ' If he wants the greens rolled, he must engage a proper man for the purpose.

You have plenty to do in your own department without your time being taken up over golf.' ' Indeed I have, mum,' he answered gratefully. 'There's the ivy all wants trimming, and I can hardly spare a day to do it, and there's the spring seeds to get in the ground ; but there ! one pair of hands can't do everything — not but what I'm willing, and it grieves me more than you'd believe to see the place out of order for the sake of them greens.' He uttered the concluding words in such tones of disgust that I could not refrain from laughing. My sympathies, however, were entirely with Johnson. ' Well,' I said again, ' I will speak to Mr Calthorpe, and have no doubt matters will all come right, as far as you are concerned.' Hitherto, I had invariably been the ruling spirit of the establishment. It was sufficient for me to express a wish for Jack to gratify it.

He was one of those good-natured, easy going people who hate being bothered, and who, from sheer indolence, allow power to slip out of their hands. I had assumed the reins of government quite naturally. If appealed to, Jack's usual answer was, I might settle things as I liked, as long as he was not troubled. I did not see it then, but I have thought since that a man is wrong to shift responsibility from his own shoulders on to the ones of those with whom he lives, simply because he is too lazy to exert himself. When I spoke seriously to Jack about taking Johnson away from his work, I therefore fully anticipated that he would immediately yield to my remonstrances, as he had done a hundred times before. Alas ! the old, convenient order of things was clearly at an end. Jack sub stantially repeated what he had said to Johnson, only, instead of using the naughty word which began with d, in consideration of my feelings, he employed the scarcely more elegant one of ' blow.' ' He did not care a " blow " what happened to the garden, but he must have the greens attended to first and foremost.

What were a few miserable cabbages and potatoes to him, in comparison with the pleasure afforded by the fascinating and absorbing game of golf? ' It was useless attempting to argue or reason with a man in such a frame of mind. For the time being he had clearly taken leave of his senses. I suggested hiring someone for the purpose of attending entirely to the precious greens, but Jack fell back on the customary excuse of the head of an establishment, and vowed he was short of cash, and did not wish to incur any new expense for the present. This plea silenced me. I sighed and said no more — at least, on that occasion.

Chapter III Johnson Complains

So now, if you please, Johnson's time was occupied in watering the greens with a huge watering pot, whilst his cauliflowers died for want of moisture. He rolled them with a heavy iron roller, the kitchen garden, meanwhile, being almost entirely neglected. He was far from being a strong man, and the work exhausted him greatly. Indeed, he was hardly able for it, for, in addition to the rolling, Jack made him beat the ground immediately surrounding the flags with a heavy wooden hod. This required immense muscular strength, and I have often seen drops of perspiration roll from Johnson's forehead whilst so engaged. My expostulations were vain, and I smarted from a novel sense of defeat. Jack had sud denly developed a disagreeably masterful spirit, and would brook no opposition. I wondered what had come to him, and found myself de ploring the energy which golf had called into life.