Strange Stories of Strange People

Front matter

§00&s to ht fj^air* By I. Zangwill. THE BACHELORS' CLUB. With Illustrations by George Hutchinson. Sixth Edition. Crown 8vo, 3s. 6d. By Barry Pain. THE KINDNESS OF THE CELESTIAL. By the Author of "Stories and Interludes." Crown 8vo, 3s. 6d. By Richard Marsh. THE M AH ATM AS PUPIL. By the Author of "The Devil's Diamond." Crown 8vo, 3s. 6d. By Ernest Mulliner. "ABROAD WITH TWITTY.' By the Author of " Declined with Thanks." Crown 8vo, 3s. 6d. By F. Norreys Connell. IN THE GREEN PARK; OR, HALF-PAY DEITIES. With Illustrations by F. H. Townsend. Crown 8vo, 3s. 6d. By Dorothy Leighton. DISILLUSION. By the Author of "As a Man is Able." 3 vols. By Peter Quilp. BARON VERDIGRIS: A Romance of the Reversed Direction. Crown 8vo, 3s. 6d. London: HENRY AND CO. STRANGE STORIES OF STRANGE PEOPLE STRANGE STORIES OF STRANGE PEOPLE ]SY OLIVER DALE LO.XDO.V HENRY AND CO. CONTEXTS. THE HANSOM-CABBY. PAGE

Chapter I. Nevoo And Huncle

... I II. P.C. GREEN .MAKES AN ARREST . 44 III. THE TRIAL AND ACQUITTAL OF THE BURGLAR .... 53 IV. A RUN-AWAY MATCH ... 67 MR. PRICE'S WINKLE TEA.

CHAPTER I. ALL IS VANITY UNDER THE SUN

. 72 II. GRAMMAR AND SENSE ... 91 III. NEPTUNE, GOD OF WINKLES . 102 SIR BOB AND HIS LOIDY.

CHAPTER I.

A FEW CHARACTERS . . .114 II. SIR BOB ATTENDS THE PENNY READING 1 28 IIL SIR BOB MAKES HIS PRESENCE FELT 1:4 MISS MATTHEWS' CATS.

CHAPTER I. MISS MATTHEWS

: HER CATS AND HER SLAVEY .... 165 II. MRS. GATES GURGLES . . . 188 III. A TRAGIC ENDING . . .

CHAPTER I. NEVOO AND HUNCLE.

TWO gentlemen walked into a country alehouse, which was known as the Parrot. The elder man, a stout, red-faced, jolly-looking individual, ordered, in a tenor voice, two tankards of 'arf-and-'arf. The younger man, whose face wore a very knowing expression, and whose eyes simply sparkled with fun, sat himself down upon a kind of bench ; then, catching hold of the elderly gentleman's coat-tails, gave them a pull, remarking : " Perch, Huncle, perch ! " " Thenk 'e, Nevoo," the stout gentleman said, as, gracefully lifting his coat-tails, he took a seat beside his nephew, whose appearance was de cidedly horsey. B i The young man's trousers fitted him very tightly, they having evidently been made to order. A stand-up collar surrounded his neck, at which the young man occasionally pulled, giving one the impression that it was too tight for him.

Nevoo was a slim young " feller," whose age was, perhaps, six-and-twenty. His cheeks, though rather thin, had a healthy colour in them, as, also, had his nasal organ, which grew redder and redder towards the tip, terminating in what might be called a blush. One would be inclined to think that the young man either drank more than was good for him, or that his " circulation " was very bad. That nose, which was turned up a trifle, gave a comic touch to Nevoo's face. The young gentleman crossed his legs, coughed, blew his nose with his fingers, then said to his uncle : " Wot the 'ell is the hold feller after ? " "The beer I s'pose, Nevoo," retorted the interrogated. " I'd fetch a bloomin' 'ogs-'ead in 'arf the time ! " said Nevoo, in tones of withering con tempt. " And, wot's more, I'd 'ave drunk 'arf of it by now.

They air slow hin the country. '"Urry yer hold stumps, gov'ner !" he shouted, looking through the open door. " 'Ave patience, Nevoo, 'ave patience ! " ex claimed the elderly " gent." " Patience is a virtue, don't ye reckerlect ? " " Carried too fur it's a wice ! " retorted Nevoo, twitching his mouth knowingly. " As the postman said, when 'e knocked at a door, then waited 'arf-an-hour for sumbody to cum." At that instant the landlord, a certain Mr. Spot, who was the proud possessor of a tremendous corporation and two thin legs, which looked like broomsticks, waddled into the room, carrying a pewter-pot in each hand. He placed them upon a table before his guests, and was rather startled at hearing a voice say : " Yew 'aven't bin long, old feller ! " Spot grew redder in the face as he glanced at the horsey young gent, who looked " all there " in every sense of the word ; but he was simply staggered when the same voice continued : " Yew've 'ad plenty of time tew water " " Water wot ?

" interrupted Spot, opening his eyes in astonishment. " The flowers in the garding," added Nevoo, "the sun-flowers, the moon-flowers, and the sweet-peas." "Enuf o' your foolery, Nevoo!" said Huncle, giving his nephew a push. Then, leaning forward, he grasped the handle of one of the tankards with his fat paw. Nevoo gave his stand-up collar a tug, then, quick as lightning, snatched up the other tankard of 'arf-and-'arf, saying as he held it in his hand : " Good 'ealth, Huncle ! " " Ditto, Nevoo ! " exclaimed Uncle. And, clinking their glasses for luck, they drank. " Who-a ! " exclaimed Nevoo, as, with a great sigh, he placed the tankard upon the table. " Ah ! " sighed Huncle, who, leaning forward, also placed his there. Whereupon Nevoo looked into his uncle's pewter-pot, then, patting that worthy on the back, observed : " Bravo, old boy !

All in a guzzle ! Every bloomin' drop 'as gone intew your system. I take sum beatin' ; but, when yew was a-drivin', I wouldn't 'ave drunk ag'in ye for a wager." And Nevoo twitched his mouth knowingly ; then, giving his stand-up collar a pull, he in vited : " 'Ave another along wi' me ? " " Don't care if I dew," retorted Huncle. " Let it be the same ag'in, Nevoo ; and no more racin' next time : my sportin' days are hover ! " A smile overspread Nevoo's face, as he ordered : " Two more 'arf-and-'arfs, old boy ; and bring 'em sharp, 'cause we're thirsty." The young man, at the end of this speech, half closed his left eye, and, glancing knowingly at Spot out of the other, just nodded his head, once, twice, three times, as much as to say : " Ain't I a smart young feller? " Spot, taking up the tankards, waddled slowly out of the room, he not knowing what to make of the horsey-looking cove, whether to feel in sulted or pleased.

No sooner had he disappeared than a peal of laughter escaped Nevoo. S " S'elp my Gawd, blimy ! " the young man exclaimed, when at length speech returned to him. " Wot a carikytoor ! " " A carroty-wot ? " demanded Huncle. " Carikytoor ! " shouted Nevoo. " When hany thing as we sees looks funny; for hinstance, his I 'ad two beaks hon my face instead o' one, as is quite sufficient for my wants, I should be a carikytoor — dew ye see ? " " No, I don't, Nevoo." " Wot a hignorant old fool y'are ! " Nevoo continued. " Look 'ere, then : when we sees in Natur' hanything unusual, like that cove's spider-legs supportin' a gigantick bread-basket, we kails hit a carikytoor : now dew ye see ? " Huncle scratched his head, then suggested : " You means a monstroshity, Nevoo ? " " That's simily," the young man allowed.

" It's the same thing, only a little different. 'Alloa, 'ere cums the carikytoor ! " Once again Spot waddled in, and, placing the tankards before his customers, remarked to Huncle, whom he appeared to know : " Blazin' 'ot, ain't it ? " And he proceeded to wipe the perspiration from his face with a large apron, which had, strange as the assertion may seem, once been white. " Blazin' ! " retorted the interrogated. " The dog-days must make business brisk, eh, Spot ? " "That's so," Spot allowed. "It dries hup the nat'ral fluid, and makes a drop of beer necessary." Mr. Spot paused, then said " I don't think I've ever 'ad the gratifikation of seein' this young" (he paused) " gent in your company before, Mr. Cobb ? " "No, he's my nevoo from London," the in terrogated explained, with considerable feeling, he being proud of the relationship, just as are uncles, in the higher walks of society, of nephews who reflect credit upon them selves.

" 'E drives a 'ansom-cab, as I used tew befaw I hemigrated intew this 'ole." Turning towards his nephew, he said " Nevoo, this is Mister Spot." " 'Ope I sees ye ? " observed Nevoo, with a twinkle in his eye. " 'Ope I 'as that honour ?" " 'Ow-dew-ye-do, 'ow owr ye ? " asked Spot, after a moment's hesitation ; then, wiping his The Hansom- Cabby. large fat hand upon his apron, he held it out to the hansom-cabby, who replied, as he shook that worthy's paw : " All roight, ye know, thenks : 'ow's yer bleedin' self? 'Ave a drink, old feller?" The warmth of that greeting quite over powered Spot, who, however, managed to express the great pleasure it would give him to have a drink at the young gentleman's expense. He then left the room, which he soon re-entered, carrying a mug of ale in his hand. Raising the mug to his lips, he said : " Here's another ten thousand a year to ye, sir ; and may your wife have twins just to 'elp you spend hit."

And Spot sat down — gracefully ! " Thenks, old feller ! " the horsey-looking young man acknowledged, while giving his stand-up collar a " meditative " tug. " Thou sands a year arn't made quite so heasily in my profession as yew happear tew imagine. As tew the twins " (with a knowing shake of his head), " that's the most loikely part of the business ; honly, I ain't married yet ! " " That ain't necessary, Nevoo," observed Huncle, with a greasy chuckle, which stuck in his throat. " Is hit, Spot ? " " 'Old your jaw ! " retorted Nevoo. " And don't try to damage my karacter, Huncle. Cum, yew'd better not 'ave no more tew drink ; because yew're gettin' hopstroperous and makin' pussonal remarks. At hall events, hi've never 'ad my licence hendorsed, and that's more than yew could say when yew was a-drivin' ; so drup hup," he concluded, with a tug at his stand-up collar.

Here a customer entered the room, effec tually putting an end to the altercation between nephew and uncle, just in the very nick of time. The new-comer, who was shabbily dressed, took a seat opposite, gave his feet a shuffle, winked his eye at Nevoo, who smiled, then returned the wink. " Good evenin' ! " Spot exclaimed cheerfully, as he stood in front of his customer. " Wot can I get for you ? " And he tucked his great hands beneath his apron. The stranger looked at Spot, then smiled, as he replied : " Faith, I'll have a glass of your best p'ison ! " Spot looked indignant, as he retorted, with warmth : " Do you mean my best beer, sir ? " " A very good guess ! " the stranger ex claimed. " Yes, that'll do." The landlord walked off; and the Irishman watched him, smiling all over his face. Then, taking a black clay-pipe from his waistcoat pocket, he placed it in his mouth.

He next proceeded to cut, with a knife, some small chips from a cake of tobacco, and, rolling them between the palms of his hands, filled his pipe, then lit up. He was a man of about thirty, probably a year or two under, with a pair of large brown eyes, which had a sleepy look in them. If he were a vagabond, without a doubt he was a humorous one, whose greatest crime was that of drunkenness. He smiled at Nevoo as Spot's large posterior vanished, then re marked : " Faith, and I've bin all over the world most. I've worked alongside some rummy chaps in my time, niggers and foreign divils ; but, outside of a show, I've niver seen his equal ! " lu Nevoo just gave his head a knowing jerk, saying : " 'E's wot I kails a happarition : 'em legs 'ud take some beatin', young feller. 'E's like a blue-bottle, hall belly and buzz !

" The Irishman burst out laughing. " Faith, you're right," he said. " He'd make the fortune of any teetotal society that engaged him as a showman. This I must say, it looks as though there be more sugar than malt in his beer." " You've 'it the cow on the tail, hold Haunt Sally in the heye, young seller," observed Nevoo, with a gleeful chuckle. " After wot I've bin accustomed tew in town, Spot's beer is a disgrace tew civilisation. A naked savage, fresh from the wild woods of Hamerica, 'ud kail it, what hi does, wash." At the conclusion of this speech, Nevoo winked his eye at the stranger, then re marked : " Yew've knocked about a bit I reckons — seen a thing or tew ? " "Just a little," the interrogated modestly allowed, puffing away at his short clay-pipe. 1 " Faith, I'm old enough to take a hint, if you understand me ?

" " Puffectly, young feller ! No pusson can take a 'int better nor Billy Cobb, and that's me, called Billy to hextinguish me from my Huncle as sits there, who was christened Willum. Now, I've driven 'orses fur years — a-'intin' tew 'em softly, a-pokin' hof 'em gently, a-whisperin' tew 'em, a-swearin' hat 'em, and, finally, a-hunder standin' hof 'em. Hi'm wot they kails in Scriptur' a Jehoo — a cab-driver, young feller ! Nobody hunderstands a 'int better nor a driver ; no, not heven a perliceman." Spot entered with his customer's beer, which he placed before him. " Faith, any change out o' that ? " asked the Irishman, placing a halfpenny upon the table, and grinning at Spot, who opened his mouth wide, he being too astonished for words. "Wot's that}" he demanded. " A Brown to be sure : that's the stuff as entitles a man to write esquire on the end of his name — Mr. Brown, Esquire."

" Ho— ho— ho ! " laughed Huncle. " Look yew 'ere, young man," said Spot, \i "this ain't a Loonatick Asylum; so jist yew put down three more, or out yew goes ! " And he pointed with his finger in the direction of the door. The Irishman opened his sleepy-looking eyes, then coolly took up the halfpenny from the table, and placed it in his waistcoat-pocket. Thrusting his left hand into his trouser-pocket, he produced an onion, which he placed upon the table. Then he put his right hand into his other trouser-pocket, and took it out empty, remarking : " That's all I've got ! " " Then get out befaw I kicks ye out ! " thundered Spot. " Faith, wait a jiffy ! " came the cool re joinder. " You took about half-an-hour aservin' me ; I'm going to take my time a-paying you." " 'Ear, 'ear ! " exclaimed Nevoo.

" Wot's grub fur the goose is grub fur the gandy. Put a little motion intew those legs o' yourn, Spot." " That's a tanner ! " exclaimed the Irishman, taking a sixpence from his waistcoat-pocket, Tlie Hansom-Cabby. and placing it upon the onion. " Now, we've taught each other a lesson in patience; and, faith, I'm waiting for the change ! " Spot slowly produced the necessary change, which the Irishman placed in his waistcoat pocket, returning the onion to his trouser one. Then, raising the mug from the table, he said to Nevoo : " I drink a hint to you internally." " Thenk ye ! " retorted Nevoo, with a horsey bow. " I winks a wink tew you hexternally ; and, as the gal said tew the young feller when she declined the horfer of 'is bloomin' 'and and bleedin' 'art, 1 'opes yew won't suffer much."

And the hanson-cabby gave his stand-up collar a tug, while watching the expression upon the drinker's face, which was hardly one of thirsty satisfaction. Customers began to drop in : one wanted this, another that ; and all, without exception, complained of the excessive heat, as is the custom in August, just as it is to grumble at the cold in December, and wish a man, directly afterwards, a merry Christmas and a happy New Year. Mr. Spot was rushed almost u off his legs. Huncle appeared to be pretty well known, for almost every man gave him a nod as he entered, and inquired after the state of his health. " Want rain badly, Mr. Cobb," one gentleman remarked. " The parson prayed for it last Sunday." " Sure to get it soon then," said Nevoo, satirically. " It'll cum when it cums : I suppose hall the ladies carry their parrysols with 'em now the parson 'as prayed for hit !

" he concluded, with a pull at his stand-up collar. " Don't scoff, Nevoo ! " rebuked Huncle. " I'm sorry to hear of your great loss," another gentleman, who wore a chimney-pot hat, said to Mr. Cobb, who replied : " Oh, the old mare worn't up tew much — can soon buy another ! " The gentleman stared, observing " I'm astonished, Mr. Cobb — not up to much ? " " No : a ten-pound note will cover 'er." " Ah, but you will never find another with her virtues." " Wirtues be 'anged ! " exclaimed Mr. Cobb. '5 " She was full of wice. I was glad to get rid of 'er, 'er wind being in a hawful state ! " The gentleman, who was a bit of a reformer or agitator, shook his head sadly, then walked away, thinking that Mr. Cobb was either very drunk or very heartless. He was referring to the late Mrs. Cobb, while Huncle was speaking of his old mare, which had died that very morning.

Nevoo, who instantly saw the little mistake, burst into a horsey laugh ; then, giving his uncle a dig in the ribs, he said : " 'E was referring tew the Missis, hold boy, — tew my Haunt, not tew the hold mare ! " " Nevoo ! " gasped Mr. Cobb, " I'd quite forgotten 'er ! 'E's a reformer ; and reformers don't know wot they're torkin' habout, adwo catin' as they do 'Ome Rule and strikes." " I'm a-goin' tew strike ! " said the hansom cabby, taking a cigar from his pocket. " Blarm me if hi baint, tew strike — a match ! " " A matrimonial one ? " asked the Irishman, with a merry laugh. Nevoo gave his questioner a look, such a look, as he informed him : " A lucifer, young feller ! When they torks habout a general strike, I strikes a lucifer, a matrimonial strike not bein' quite in 'armony with my hideas.

The hagitator of the futur' must take hup that questing hof reform. They tell me, dew my very-much-married friends and relatifs, that there is a great deal of ' strikin' ' a-goin' hon in matrimonial suckles : a little winegar with the 'oney, young feller." Gracefully Nevoo cocked up his leg ; swift as lightning he rubbed a match upon his seat of honour. The said match burst into flame, which the young man shaded with his hands ; then, leaning forward, he lighted his cigar. This done, he gave his stand-up collar a tug, and, smiling through the smoke, remarked : " Where there be smoke there must halso be fire, as the perliceman said, when he tried tew light 'is pipe by a steamin' potato ! " " Faith, an' he failed then ? " asked the Irishman. " Tew be sure," said Nevoo. " That were the light that failed, young feller, with a big damn on the hend of hit."

" Will any gentleman oblige the company with c a song?" Spot asked, he thinking that trade was getting dull. Experience had taught the landlord that a little singing had the desired effect — to wit, made his guests thirsty. " My Nevoo will ! " exclaimed a tenor voice. " Come, Nevoo ! " Huncle urged, " show the company wot you've got hin ye, what London has taught ye." Thus urged, the hansom-cabby gave his stand-up collar a pull, coughed once or twice in order to clear his throat ; then, cocking his hat upon one side of his head, he placed his thumbs in the armpits of his waistcoat, and stood upon his feet, when everybody began to clap their hands. The young gentleman nodded his head at his audience, and just remarked : "Thenks, gentlemen, fur your kind greetin' in advance ; but hexcuse me when I sez that hi don't want no credit ; so hi begs tew leave myself in your 'ands, and tew begin the sing song."

Swelling out his chest, and screwing up his mouth for the first note, Nevoo burst into song : is " There lived in London town a gal, As loved a bloke a sail-a. When this 'ere cove came back from sea, 'Is Sally was in jail-a ! "'E said as 'ow 'e loved the lass, That 'e would never fail-a. Th' prison-coves was wery kind ; 'E married 'er in jail-a ! " The sailor went tew sea again, And Sal came hout of jail-a. She 'eard 'er Tom 'ad gone halost, And so married a tail-a ! " When twenty years 'ad done ha bunk, Tew London came a sail-a, Who wished tew know if hany one Remembered Sally Nail-a ? ' ' Hand when 'e 'eard where Sally was, 'E wished she'd kept in jail-a ! 'E said 'is prayers, took laud-a-num, And went — ha final sail-a ! " Nevoo sat down amid great applause, which he appeared to appreciate, as, rising from his seat two or three times, he bowed to the company.

" It's a hencore, Nevoo ! " exclaimed Huncle proudly. " Cum, let 'em 'ave another." The young gentleman took a pull at his beer, then stood up again. The company applauded him to a man ; and, thus " doubly " fortified, the hansom-cabby, as they say in musical circles, rose to the occasion, " chucking " the following ditty off his chest in slashing style : ' ' Jack Sheppard hon the war-path went One night hon 'Ampstead 'Eath-a : 'E saw a Johnnie and ha gal A-kissin' hon a seat-a ! " 'E pulls 'is dagger from 'is belt, Hand stretches 'im a corpse-a ! The gal she yells and screams for 'elp ! Jack Sheppard does hit hor-fa ! " 'E put 'is harm haround 'er waist, Hand danced a wild gavot-a ! Then tooked 'er tew the nearest pub, And 'ad some gin and wat-a ! " Sez she, ' Yew his a naughty man, My lover tew garrot-a ! ' Sez 'e, ' My charmin' Mary Hann, Now ain't yew got a bett-a ? ' "Sez she, ' Befaw we sez good-bye, Hi'd like tew know your name-a ! ' 'E ripped 'is dagger in 'er 'art, And went whistlin' down the lane-a !

" Again Nevoo took his seat, amid great applause, which he gracefully acknowledged by pulling his stand-up collar. " Treat 'em tew drinks round, Nevoo," Huncle urged. The young man gave his uncle a pitying look, then just remarked : " I ain't quite so green as hi looks, thenk yew ! That's wot they're kickin' hup sich a shindy for; but" (with a knowing nod of his head) " they won't get hit hout o' this child. They can pay for their own drinks, or go without 'em ! " "Yew've got a wonderful hexpressive voice, sir," Spot said to Nevoo, he hoping that " somebody " would stand the room after such a display of talent. The hansom-cabby ; however, who appeared to be up to all the tricks, fixed his eye knowingly on Spot, then said drily : " Ye-s ; that's wot my young lady sez, it's so sweet and hexpressive.

She cums hup quite close tew me, she does ; hand I sings in 'er ear, I dew — warbles hintew hit the state o' my feelin's, old feller." 2 I So saying Billy Cobb winked his eye at the Irishman, who smiled in return, observing : "Faith, you're like the bumble-bee." " 'Ow's that, young feller ? " demanded Nevoo. " Why, to be sure, you're after the wax." " Ho— ho— ho ! " laughed the young cabby. " You means the wacks, young feller, the wacks she gives me with 'er parrysol when hi tries tew kiss 'er, pretendin' as 'ow she don't like hit, there bein' so much mock modesty hin ha female. AVell, young feller, more flies are caught with 'oney than wi' winegar," he concluded, fixing his knowing eyes upon the Irishman, who laughed outright. '•' 'Ave a drink, Spot ? " Huncle asked the innkeeper. Mr. Spot accepted the invitation, and left the room at once, returning with a tankard of ale in his hand.

" My best respects, sir," he said, nodding his head at Uncle. "And, also, my kind regards to you, sir" (nodding his head at Nevoo). "You're a puffect gentleman." Spot then took a long pull, and, placing the tankard upon the table, wiped his lips with his dirty apron, exclaiming : " Yes, a puffect gentleman." " So you've said befaw," observed the hansom cabby. " And, judgin' by my side-boards " (he stroked them gingerly), "I'm not in a position tew contrydickt the obserwation. My mother always told me that I was a gent, hand that my father was befaw me, 'e bein' a puffect gent, of which fact hi'm profs positif ! So, his you'll tell me suffin' as hi don't know, hi shall be grately obliged tew you ? " " 'Eary, 'eary, Nevoo ! " exclaimed a tenor voice. " Yew took arter yer Huncle, arter yer pore old father, bein' a Cobb tew the toe-nail !

" " There's a lot in a name," said Spot, " a lot in a name, I allows, my own bein' 'istorical. There's not another Spot in the British Isles, sir." " There's one in this very room," said the Irishman. "Where, sir?" demanded Spot. "Produce 'im ! I challenges you to produce 'im. And, if you say that your own name is Spot, I sez that you're a liar, there bein' no Paddy blood in my -3 family, as was noble in the past. If I 'ad my rights I should be a Dooke." And the innkeeper, in his excitement, danced about the room. Due allowance must be made for the hot weather, and, also, for the amount of beer with which Mr. Spot had ennobled his blood. " Faith, there he sits," said the Irishman, pointing with his finger. "The gintleman yonder with the bald nob : ain't that a spot?" " 'Ave a drink, young feller ?

" Nevoo invited, pulling at his stand-up collar in order to prevent himself from choking. " I kail that 'ere remark of yourn rich, hi dew ; so wot's hit tew be?" "A glass of mild, if you plase." " 'Ave a tankard," urged the hansom-cabby. " Don't mind the hextra expense, 'cause hi buried my haunt last week ; hand she left me a shinin' one or tew, she did. That's why I'm down 'ere a-wastin' hof my time, dew ye see, as the burglar said tew the perliceman, after he'd knocked 'im down with 'is staff." " Well ! " exclaimed Spot. -4 " Is it a deep one ? " asked the Irishman. " Is wot deep ? " retorted Spot. "That well." Whereupon the company laughed. Huncle was so tickled that he roared, until he was forced to swear in order to stop himself; and his Nevoo, patting him gently on the back, advised him to be a little more "pertickler" with his language, or he'd get his licence " hendorsed."

" Sit still on yer perch, y'old fool," he con cluded, " and don't kick up sich a bleedin' shindy ! " And he clutched hold of his uncle. " Nevoo ! " exclaimed the outraged man, " 'ave a care ! 'ave a care ! If yew don't take your fingys off my shirt-tail, I'll land you one on the beak ! A boy like yew teachin' yer huncle 'ow tew behoive in company ! Jist yew hin struct yer hold grandmother hin gunnery ! " The hansom-cabby released his uncle just as that worthy was about to bring a tankard down on his head. " Nevoo ! " Mr. Cobb playfully exclaimed, with a greasy chuckle, followed by a cough, and, sad to relate, also by an oath, " I see yew guessed which would prove the 'ardest ! " The hansom-cabby smiled contemptuously, while tugging at his stand-up collar ; then, leaning upon one side, he gracefully smacked his posterior, remarking : " Hi refers yew tew that !

" " Thenk ye, Nevoo," retorted Huncle, who was proud of his nephew's show of " inde pendence." " When I wants tew consult the spirrit hof the departed I'll knock." " Hand yew'll get a hanswer, a werbal reply ! " he was assured. " Dew ye know a sing-song, young feller ? " Nevoo asked the Irishman, who shook his head. " Well, then, suppose you tell us a ' tail,' as the hold lady said tew the fox-terrier, about cruelty to hanimals." The whole company urged him to tell them a tale about Ireland. So he began : " I daresay some of you remember the potato famine. I was in the country then, and dread ful times they were. One day I was starving so went off to Father O'Reilly, and said : " 'Faith, Father dear, I'm jist miserable ; can ye do anything for me ? ' " ' Would ye like to be a gardener, Dennis ? ' he asked.