Reginald Bramble. A cynic of the nineteenth century. An autobiography

Front matter

The NEW NOVELS at the LIBRARIES. BEESSANT. A Romance. By Julian Hawthorne. 2 vols. Crown 8vo. EFFIE'S GAME: How she Lost and how she Won. By Cecil Clayton. 2 vols. CHESTERLEIGH. By Ansley Conyers. 3 vols. crown 8vo. " We have gained much enjoyment from the book. "— Spectator. "Is worthy of high praise."— Edinbu rg h Conrant. "Above the usual quality; written in good English-, and with a plot neither too complicated nor lacking in interest." — Con servat ive. SQUIRE SILCHESTER'S "WHIM. By Mortimer Collins. Author of "Marquis and Merchant," "The Princess Clarice," &c. Crown 8vo. 3 vols. " Every page bristles with epigrammatic wit, shrewd observations on men and manners, and quaint sayings."— John Bull. " Full of interest from beginning to end." — British Quarterly Review. " We think it the best (story) Mr. Collins has yet written."— Pall Mail Gazette.

" Clever, sparkling, and well written, and the idea on which it is founded is certainly original." — G raph ic. " No one but a man of true genius could write so clever, so irritating, and so charming a story." — Standard. SEETA. By Col. Meadows Taylor, Author of "Tara," "Ralph Darnell," &c. Crown Svo. 3 vols. " The story is well told, native life is admirably described, and the petty intrigues of native rulers, and their hatred of the English, mingled with fear lest the latter should eventually prove the victors, are cleverly depicted." — Athenæum. OFF THE SKELLIGS. By Jean Ingelow. (Her First Romance.; Crown 8vo. In 4 vols. *' Clever and sparkling The descriptive passages are bright with colour." — Standard. " We read each succeeding volume with increasing interest, going almost to the point of wishing there was a fifth." — Athenæum.

" The novel as a whole is a remarkable one, because it is uncompromisingly true to life."— Daily Neivs. THE DOCTOR'S DILEMMA. By Hesba Stretton. Author of " Little Meg," &c. &c. Crown 8vo. 3 vols. "The best novel of the week. In descriptive writing the authoress must be given a high place : there is a good deal of life in the st..ry."— Athenæum. " This novel has many of the best features of a popular tale. There is much variety in its incidents, and many of them are strikingly told." — Edinburgh Courant. " Calculated to h AVe more thana transient fame." — John Butt. "Extremely interesting and well written." — Manchester Examiner. " A fascinating story ."—British Quarterly Revieiv. "This novel may be fairly pronounced to be both clever and agreeable."— Court Express THE PRINCESS CLARICE: A STORY OF 1871.

Chapter I. Introductory

I confess it is not without a certain amount of timidity that I venture to lay bare my own errors during the last thirty years ; and I should have scarcely nerved myself to this thankless task, but for the conviction that I am engaged in a righteous cause, as a sort of special pleader, to defend those of my own sex from the cruel aspersions which I hear daily showered upon them by the mothers and daughters of the period — a time when our drawing-rooms everywhere ring with defamation of men in general. They are called false, unchivalrous, selfish, and so forth ; and it is to defend the genus B homo from such accusations, and to show that the fashionable ladies of the day make us cynics what we are, that I now take up my pen. Now-a-days, when every masculine accomplish ment is considered " the right form," when young ladies are clothed by Poole or Morgan, ride in the park without a chaperon, and skate like Canadians — an utterly unfeminine accomplish ment when I was young — I do not wonder at any aspirant for a lady's smiles losing heart, and feelings as if he ought to wait until he is proposed for in due course by his Dulcinea, and not attempt to take the initiative in the matter.

Gracious me ! even the girls who have been brought up in the country, endeavour to make us feel our inferiority, by insisting on our fetching and carrying like retrievers. If I join a riding party, some girl, apparently in the most natural, but really in the most artful manner possible, contrives to drop her whip, merely, I believe, to try my temper, and smiles when I dismount from a fidgety steed to pick it up again. I have known Lucy Vernon, who was possessed of the wickedest pair of eyes imaginable, manage to let fall something or other fully four times in one ride, I believe simply to give herself INTRODUCTORY. 3 the opportunity of playing upon me the artillery of her brilliant orbs, and endeavouring to sub jugate me into slavery as a cat does a mouse or a serpent a frog. Oh ! but she was a terrible girl, this Miss Lucy, without any heart, and perhaps, through this very defect, she contrived to accomplish a brilliant marriage, being armed at all points against our sex.

It has always been an enigma to me, how a girl starting in life without a penny, and with only tolerable good looks, is able to play her cards well enough to secure a first-class prize in the matrimonial market. If she talks too rapidly, men get bored with her ; if too prudish, she is voted in these days stiff; if too flirty, she is pronounced "bad form." Lucy Vernon, however, to do her justice, avoided these disqualifications. Her simple manners attracted young Harcourt, her coquet tish ways amused him, and her prudery, judiciously simulated, secured him. On the other hand, I believe that a great secret of success with women is flattery. It is difficult to lay it on too thick ; beware, however, that you never let them see you apply it to their intimate friends, or they will be revenged upon you sooner or later.

From the dairy-maid to the waiting maid, from the civic knight's lady to the duchess of blue blood, the sex generally loves to inhale this highly flavoured incense. Princesses and even queens delight in it. I may illustrate this by an anecdote taken from the history of our own " Virgin Queen." " Come, no scandal, sir," some one will say, " about Queen Elizabeth ;" but it is well known this sovereign lady had the bump of vanity largely developed in her royal cranium. One day she was giving an audience to the deputies of the States General of Holland. A young gallant in the suite of the ambassadors, who admired the queen's person, whispered to his friends in rather coarse lansoiao-e that he should o o be delighted to be on the same terms of in timacy with her as my Lord of Essex and other favoured courtiers.

During the reception the stately sovereign perceived, by the tittering of the ladies surrounding her royal person, that this young gentleman had made an equivocal remark. She insisted on being told the joke, which, of course judiciously arranged for her queenly ear, was imparted to her. She smiled sweetly, and was not at all offended at being the subject of INTRODUCTORY. 5 such a personal remark, but graciously presented her hand for the young Dutchman to kiss. And oh, ye gods ! to think of her age at the time ! more nearly seventy than sixty ! This, however, is only a comparatively " modern in stance." Let us turn back to those fearful his tories so beautifully told by the classical authors. Look at poor Orpheus after he married Eury dice. This young lady being persecuted (so she affirmed) by Aristeus, son of Apollo and Cyrene, and flying his importunities, was bitten by a serpent and died of the consequences.

Orpheus went down to the infernal regions to bring her back, awakening the echoes of Hades with his wondrous lyre. It is generally supposed that Pluto and Proserpine had very musical ears, and were so charmed by the many new and senti mental ballads which they then heard for the first time, that, in answer to the prayers of Orpheus, they released Eurydice on condition that her husband should not look upon his better half on the road out of Hades. No doubt it was a very hard condition, not to look at his beloved ; any way, he did not adhere to it ; he took one look, and lost her for ever ! This loss caused Orpheus so much grief and misery that the sight of a woman of any kind inspired him with the strongest aversion. Now the ancient matrons did not admit for an instant that such conduct could be tolerated.

They had charms, they considered, fully equal to those of Madame Orpheus ; and as he would not stoop to the flattery of saying so, why they tore him in pieces — at least according to history. Now, if you were to explain to a party of ladies that Eurydice was restored to Orpheus by way of punishment, and that she was taken from him again by way of a reward for his sweet music, they would be furious, and would tell you that they could not see the joke. I never, I confess, shall be able to understand why the siege of Troy was undertaken. First of all, how shocking that a notorious flirt, to say the least of her, should have caused so many rulers to quarrel a otitrance ! What excessively "bad form" it was for Menelaus to implore assistance from all his neighbours to recover an abominably unfaithful wife and to publish his shame to every one!

What an absurdity it appears, that so many great heroes should have abandoned the government of their States for the one only purpose of restoring to Greece a profligate adventuress ! INTRODUCTORY. 7 Can anybody imagine in these days that such a thing could be possible ? My own opinion will always be, that Homer invented the story as a good thing to make verses on, and that Virgil, by no means an original genius, followed in his wake. Enough of this, and coming again to our own time. How can anybody expect to find in our girls of the year of grace 1870 anything real either in sentiment or affection, when all their atours are false ? Have they any portion of their natural shape left, after the application of dress improvers — the modern term, I am told, for crino line ? The wretched peasants of France and Germany have been ruthlessly stripped of their locks to adorn our beauties with chignons and false curls of gigantic proportions ; and if a girl has nice dark or brown hair, she must needs change the colour to a conventional yellow tinge ; whilst the paint is so thickly laid on their eyebrows and cheeks that, faugh ! they look more like figurantes in an ex travaganza than anything else.

I maintain that there is no reality either in their beauty, affection, or anything else ; of sentiment not a particle. As far as women are concerned I regret to say, everything is consummate artifice ; the beautiful tales about love in a cottage which I used to read, and believe in when I was young, are simply to be sneered at as ridiculous, when toilettes are at fabulous prices. All this has a chilling influence on a young man's romance when he first enters the world, and is inclined to look upon all women as superior beings and pieces of perfection, whereas the mass unfortunately are elaborate counterfeits. To my sorrow I commenced life without such experience, and I have suffered in consequence. I am too old, and too wedded to my settled habits to change now. To tell the truth, without a little romance, the tie of marriage would be a burthen too heavy to endure ; but with those young men now starting in life the case is different, and it is to them, before they indulge in any romantic visions of desperate love affairs, that I address the story of my life by way of warning, since to be forewarned is to be forearmed.

No doubt the world will treat my words of warning as the moody ravings of a disappointed old bachelor, and I will even admit that my mind has been soured by all I have gone through. Although not born with a natural talent for INTRODUCTORY. 9 satire, it is not strange that disappointed love, the malice of my enemies, and necessity, should have furnished me with an ample and ready stock of this not very amiable commodity. As the French poet observes : — ■ " L'ami que je croyais sincere, Aujourd'hui s'eloigne de moi, Et la maitresse la plus chere, Me manque egalement de foi."

Chapter II. Foreign Travel

The Brambles of Briar Manor were immensely proud of their ancestors. I can just recollect, when I was a child, my mother calling me to her, and showing me a wonderfully long sheet of parchment, in which the deeds of all our pro genitors were enrolled. They must have been a very warlike race, for they had fought in the crusades, and in the wars of the Roses, on both sides, and, later, had mingled in Jacobite risings. In fact, my mother did all she could to impress my mind, thus early, with the ancient renown and grandeur of my family. She hoped that, like my father, I should be a soldier, and fight for my king and country, and keep up the pres tige of our name ; and so, as far as being a most pugnacious boy, I did. I believe I was horribly spoilt in every way ; and when my mother reluctantly sent me to school, with the slightest provocation I attacked boys far bigger than myself; and if bystanders interfered, regardless of the consequences, I would turn my fury against them, and bite and use my feet if I could not reach them with my hands.

There is no doubt but that I should have been nearly killed by some enraged school fellow if, fortunately for me, at this critical period of my life, I had not been sent for home, in consequence of the sudden death of my fond parent. Her demise was caused by her having per sisted in standing in a graveyard, one bitter December afternoon, giving directions to a sculptor who was altering the coat of arms on my father's tomb, who had died two years previously. My mother, who was devotedly attached to him, gave orders for a handsome monument to be erected to his memory ; but when, after two years, she brought herself with difficulty to visit it, as an archæologist she received a severe shock. Our crest was a che valier in full armour, proper ; our arms, a dexter arm embowed in armour, the hand grasping a bramble ; and you can imagine her con sternation when she discovered that the artist employed had made the hand grasping a lilac bush or some such smooth shrub, from which she thought it might be inferred that the Brambles of the present age were unequal to grasping, as of old, any prickly substance whatever.

Alas! she paid the penalty of her admiration for the family she had adopted, and I was left an orphan. I shall never forget my uncle breaking this sad news to me as he took me in his carriage home from school. I had no idea what had really occurred, though his grave face implied that something terrible had hap pened ; and when I knew the worst, I refused to be comforted. It was the first real sorrow I ever knew. Oh, how dismal on our arrival the familiar house appeared, with no mother as of old to clasp me in her arms ! What intense silence reigned everywhere ! Every one seemed to tread lightly as he or she crept along the passages ; and when I went to bed, worn out with sobbing, I could not sleep. A vague terror took possession of me. At each cry of the night birds, or at each gust of wind which swept round the many gables of our old mansion, I started up, for I fancied the sound to come from that chamber, hung with black, where lay the remains of my beloved mother.

I recollect that my mother's obsequies were most magnificent, as far as nodding plumes and numerous black coaches with horses swathed in velvet housings could make them ; and a funeral oration delivered over the grave, but which I did not understand, was considered most impressive, and caused all the bystanders to dissolve in tears. After the funeral, my uncle, who had been left my guardian by my mother's will, told me that he had determined on removing me from the school at which she had placed me, and having me properly instructed under his own personal superintendence. In due course I went to Eton and Oxford. And as this part of my life was passed very much after the manner of other youths under similar circumstances, I shall not dwell upon these early years, but carry my reader at once to Italy.

After I had taken my degree at Oxford, my Uncle Bramble gave up the charge of my pro perty into my own hands. He advised me to travel ; to which I readily acceded. He procured for me the best letters of introduction to foreign parts, and cautioned me against being bitten with the fascinations of Popery— he himself being troubled with no extraordinary amount of faith in anything except his own virtue and the Thirty-nine Articles. "Reginald," he said, "you have ten thousand a year, ten thousand pounds in ready money. Enjoy life while you can. Recollect you are a Bramble, and inferior in family to no one. Through civil wars we have lost our titles; but blood is blood, and you have running through your veins what money cannot purchase." Poor fellow ! I never saw him again. He was one of the old school, a three-bottle man, and had an inherent hatred of the medical faculty.

A fit of the gout went to his head, and six months after I quitted England he was no more. In him I lost a true friend and good adviser. Would that I had had later the benefit of his experience in the world. But I must not anticipate. Free, then, as air, and light of heart, with a tolerable smattering of foreign tongues, I started for the Continent. First, I secured an Italian courier — a perfect treasure, who spoke every lan guage under the sun with perfect fluency, but quite incorrectly. Next, a travelling britscha from Hobson's, springs corded with ropes, to encounter the shock of the execrably paved roads of fair France ; and behold us dashing along the grande route straight for Paris. After the general rule laid down for young travellers like myself, I spent but few days there, reserving that capital for future enjoyment.

So, after a brief sojourn, and visiting Frascati's, filled at that period with all the gamblers of Europe and the prettiest women possible, who frequented that State pandemonium, on again we went, tra versing endless straight roads lined with trees. How I hated the detentions at the numerous fortified towns, where our passport was demanded at one gate, and delivered to us half-an-hour afterwards at another, solely, I believe, for the purpose of " milord " finding the coin, instead of the Government, for their ill-paid officials. At last, after having crossed the Alps and made a rapid journey through Italy, we arrived in the Eternal City. I took up my quarters at the " Europa" in the " Piazza di Spagna," my courier affirming that was the only comfortable hotel for il signore, and certainly in those days (before the execrable German habit of table d'holes was introduced into Italy) it was a very comfortable establishment.

My first care the next day was to deliver my numerous letters of introduction, and to call on our Hanoverian Minister (in those days he represented British interests), and ask him to fix some day for my presentation to the Pope. A day was fixed ; and in full dress, with three other aspirants, we started for the Vatican. Our German Minister had a happy knack of speaking all languages, even his own, most con fusedly ; and his sayings were so droll that he was the delight of all the British residents. Strange to say, our names were Bramble, Bush, Hare, and Hogg. Our good-natured German repeated this combination of names over to him self many times en route; but, whether he felt nervous, or had one of his usual fits of absence, I know not, — we were presented in due form until he came to the last name, when he hesitated, coughed, and muttered to himself, " I cannot recollect de oder animal.

What bore ! Ah ! I I have him, — large Pig." So, as Signor Boar was our companion pre sented. I am sorry to say that, though we de sired to be on our most correct and proper behaviour before the representative of St. Peter, our laughter could not be restrained. Gregory XVI., not understanding our mirth, supposed it was our joy at seeing him ; and not believing for one instant that we could be in habitants of that island which proverbially gives the spleen he said, turning to his suite : — " Sono Irlandesi di certo. Ridono sempre quando arri vano nella nostra Citta Santa. Che peccato che non sono Cristiani, ma col tempo sara, sara."* My impression of His Holiness was one of disappointment. I saw before me a little old gentleman with a very red nose (rather like my poor uncle's) and, as it appeared to me in my ignorance of Roman ecclesiastical costume, attired in a white flannel robe de chambre, amiable, but lacking that dignity of manner I had always imagined the Head of the Church was bound to possess.

Afterwards I was told that he wore the habit of the Order of Camaldoli, a reformed branch of the Benedictines, of which corporation he was a monk before his elevation to the tiara. He had a holy horror of gas, railroads, and other modern improvements ; and I am not clear but that, as a good Conservative, he was right in the main. Increased communications with the rest of Europe, and the introduction of Paris fashions, to the prejudice of native costumes, and the * " Of course they are Irishmen. They are always in spirits when they arrive in our Holy City. What a misfortune that they are not Christians ! but in a little time it will come to pass." c flood of modern Pagan literature, is fast changing the mediæval character of the city. I confess I enjoyed those middle-age abuses so natural at Rome, to be met with in no other city, and so dear to the antiquary and historian.

It is a mistake, I think, to leave one's comfortable fire side only to see progress. There is no romance in that. I confess an honest pride in drawing the comparison between foreign parts and our own island, very much to the advantage of the latter, and I do not want to be proved in the wrong. I have a horror of Garibaldis and red shirts. I detest troops of Americans usurping all the best places at the ceremonies, eating packets of bon bons while the music is going on, and calculat ing how many dollars each function costs. Can anything be so destructive to one's comfort and one's palate as Cook's excursionists ? They are fed by contract, and must eat what is put before them. How then can individuals expect, as in olden times, to have the talents of a chef be stowed on them, when the masses are provided indifferently with half the trouble.

In those days the Roman world was very hospitable. There were not those political divisions then which we now find in the native society. The cardinals played their quiet games of cards; the young people danced; we had charming riding parties in the campagna—hunting was considered dangerous and immoral by the Paternal Government. In fact, nothing could be more delightful to my mind than the life I was leading. How long my dream of happiness would have lasted I know not; but a circumstance occurred which drove my thoughts into another channel, and changed entirely the insouciance of my existence.

Chapter III. Gertrude

Towards evening the Pincian Hill was the usual resort of all one's friends. There I used to revel in the glorious sunsets behind the dome of St. Peter's, and took the greatest de light in scanning all the faces of the latest arrivals, who were sure to put in an appearance there as soon as possible. One evening, — I recollect it was a Friday — the Ave Maria had not long sounded from the numerous belfries in the city, when I ran against an old college chum of mine, Pattle, of Blackwich, who like myself was making the grand tour, but not alone, for he was accompa nied by his mother and six sisters. They were very estimable girls, but not pretty — at least / thought not ; but perhaps I was prejudiced against them from the following circumstance. Some weeks previous to my rencontre with Pattle, I had been obliged to pass the night in the Apennines, at a village called Poveretto, a very cut-throat looking place.

Our vetturino — GERTRUDE. 21 who I firmly believe was in league with the landlord of this wretched osteria — declared that his horses were knocked up, and that he could not possibly go on any further. There was only one miserable room to be had, for already eight other victims had been received for the night. My courier raved, declared that better rooms must be found for " milord." The landlord called on all the saints in the calendar to witness that he spoke the truth, and that it was out of his power to find any more accommodation, even for a crowned head. Whilst the altercation was at its height, I heard a voice from an upper story shouting out, " It must be Bramble ; I should know his voice anywhere." I rushed upstairs, and found Pattle in fits of laughter at our misfortunes, and de lighted to see me.

I was then and there in troduced to all his female belongings, who were making the best of the one sitting-room of the establishment, crouching over a charmingly damp wood fire ; and the effect of the smoke upon the eyes of the whole family gave them the most lachrymose appearance you can imagine. The supper of baby kid, goat's milk, and hay tea was speedily despatched, and shortly afterwards we retired to our couches. I soon found that sleep was out of the question, for legions of native animals, — no doubt resenting the intrusion of a stranger, — attacked me with out mercy ; so, after a feverish night, as soon as morning dawned, I leaped out of bed, thinking it advisable to let a little air into the miserable den I had been located in. The first thing I observed from my elevated position was the Patties' departure in their yellow family coach.

It struck me as very strange that there ap peared little or no luggage on the roof: it was true, a very large portmanteau of my friend's was strapped in front ; but where, oh, where were the ladies' dresses stowed away ? Whilst I was trying to solve this enigma, my courier arrives, and the first words he utters are these : — " What droll family, cospetto ! Only one im perial for all the ladies — seven, and the maid make eight." I confess that I shared my courier's astonishment, and never could divest myself of a prejudice against those ladies. I longed to furnish them with another imperial, to ensure not only a change of dress but of more indispensable GERTRUDE. 23 garments, of which one could but feel there must be a scarcity amongst them that made me shud der to think of. After Pattle and I had taken one or two turns, and compared notes as to what we had seen and done since our last memorable meeting, our attention was attracted by one of the loveliest girls you can imagine, leaning on the arm of a good-looking middle-aged foreigner.

There was something about her appearance that stamped her as English. She was dressed quietly in black ; her figure, though petite, was graceful, her skin white as alabaster, and the loveliest blue eyes fringed with the longest dark lashes, whilst a vein of sadness seemed to pervade her countenance as she conversed earnestly with her companion, who appeared to pay great attention to all she said. We had passed them once or twice, and I was thinking how I could possibly find out who they were, when we ran against that most dreadful bore and toady, Powell, who immediately attacked us. " Are you going to Lord Blaze's dance to-morrow? If you don't know them, I have carte blanche to ask any men. Have you been to a masked ball at the opera ? I don't advise you to go. I went the other night, had my face slapped and my eye nearly put out by those rude girls the Fan shawes."

I suggested that they were nice-looking. I thought it was the sort of thing to do when one was in domino ; but English people don't under stand fun. I could not stand this interruption any longer, so, making an excuse to Pattle, I rushed round the hill once more, to see if I could catch a glimpse of my young lady ; but she and her companion had disappeared. By this time it was getting dusk, and on my road home something prompted me to enter the church of the convent of the Trinita di Monte, where the music of the nuns at that time was very good, and Benediction had just commenced. As soon as my eyes became accus tomed to the change of light, to my astonishment, whom should I see very near me, but my fair inco gnita — a rosary in her hand, and wrapped in her devotions. If I thought her pretty before, I now thought her angelic.