Chapter XII (part 1 of 2)

Chapter XII (part 1 of 2)

Day had broken (though MARTIN was still solvent) and was casting brilliant Holborn Bars of light through the windows of Tredethlyn Abbey on to the artistic Phiz of Lady Aurorabella.

She was very very weary――tired of her own life, and of several other people’s lives, also she had not the heart to eat, and probably would not have eaten it if she had. Beyond trifling with the wing of a rabbit, cutting a morsel from a cold surloin of grouse, and drinking a single glass of Chiaroscuro, her breakfast was untouched.

For she had just received intelligence that, in spite of all her exertions, her FIVE HUSBANDS were again at liberty!

“Oh! why did they not all perish?” she sobbed. “I have tried to get rid of them over and over again by every species of assassination, but now I am tired of mild measures. I must do something DESPERATE!”

So she summoned that ubiquitous detective officer, Inspector Weasel, who, from any quarter of the globe, would come by telegraph to obey her slightest word.

“Weasel” she said “I can endure this no longer, I have made a resolve. By the tyrannical laws of this hateful country, my quintette of husbands have been allowed to keep the marriage certificates. Once in possession of them, I could defy the world. If you value my peace or your own, you must get them for me.”

“I will,” replied the all accomplished detective and he set about it at once.

First, to pursue the fugitive Dr. Marchmont, “Ah” murmured the Detective “my experience tells me that when a fellow on the bolt says he is going to one place, he is certain to set off in exactly the opposite direction. Let me see,” And he carefully examined his Government survey of the World.

* * * * *

Inspector Weasel hastened to the Snoozington Railway Station.

“What time does the next train start for Kamtschatka?” “At 6.85,” was the reply.

The detective chafed with impatience. Two minutes to wait! It seemed an eternity-and-a-half to him! At length the train arrived and the detective jumped up behind the Engine Driver. “Off we go!” he cried, “bother stations, and signals, and all that sort of thing, never mind bursting the engine, or blowing up the passengers. I’m in a hurry!”

――――:o:――――

THE POLITE LETTER WRITER.

At the distribution of prizes to the art classes at Chesterfield in November, 1880, the secretary read a communication purporting to come from Mr. John Ruskin, in answer to one asking him to give them a lecture. It was as follows:――

“Harlesden, London, Friday.

“My dear Sir,――Your letter reaches me here. I have just returned from Venice, where I have ruminated in the pasturages of the home of art; the loveliest and holiest of lovely and holy cities, where the very stones cry out, eloquent in the elegancies of Iambics. I could not if I would go to Chesterfield, and I much doubt whether I would go if I could. I do not hire myself out――after the fashion of a brainless long tongued puppet――for filthy ducats. You, and those who told you to write me, want me, I presume, to come that you may make money for your art class; and if I should get you much money, you will then tolerate some good advice from me. No, I will not come.

“I have heard of Chesterfield. Hath it not a steeple-abomination, and is it not the home――if not the cradle――of that arch abomination-creator, Stephenson? To him are we indebted for the screeching and howling and shrieking fiends fit only for a Pandemonium, called locomotives, that disfigure the loveliest spots of God’s own land.

“I will not come to Chesterfield. Tell your students that art is a holy luxury, and they must pay for it. Tell them to study, to ponder, and to work with a single thought for perfection, observing loving and strict obedience to the monitions of their teacher. Let them learn to do things rightly and humbly, and then, by the conviction that they can never do them as well as they have been done by others, they may be profited.

“My good young people, this is pre-eminently the foolishest――yes, quite the foolishest――notion that you can get into your empty little egg-shells of heads; that you can be a Titian, or a Raphael, or a Phidias; or that you can write like Seneca. But because you cannot be great, that is no reason why you should not aspire to greatness. In joy, humility, and humbleness, work together. Only don’t study art because it will pay, and do not ask for payment because you study art. Art will make you all wiser and happier, and is worth paying for. If you are in debt――as I suppose you are, or why pester me?――pay off your debts yourselves. If you write to me only that you may get money, you are on the foolishest of all errands. Wisdom is more precious than rubies, and is offered to you as a blessing in herself. She is the reward of industry, kindness and modesty. She is the prize of prizes, the strength of your life now, and an earnest of the life that is to come. This advice is better than money, and I give it to you gratis. Ponder it and profit by it.――Ever faithfully yours,

JOHN RUSKIN.”

Many were the comments which this letter, widely published, as it was, created; for scarcely any one doubted the authenticity of the letter addressed to Chesterfield, a name which recals that of a celebrated Earl who also wrote letters, but his were on the art of politeness.

But a few days afterwards Mr. Ruskin denied that he had composed the epistle; it is, therefore, only of interest now as so clever a parody of his style that the whole London press was deceived by it. The following letter, however, was certainly genuine. In June 1886, a circular was addressed to Mr. Ruskin appealing for subscriptions towards extinquishing the debt of the Baptist Church at Richmond, to which he replied:――

SIR,――I am sorrowfully amused at your appeal to me, of all people in the world the precisely least likely to give you a farthing. My first word to all men and boys who care to hear me is “Don’t get into debt. Starve, and go to heaven; but don’t borrow. Try first begging. I don’t mind, if it’s really needful, stealing. But don’t buy things you can’t pay for.” And of all manner of debtors, pious people building churches they can’t pay for are the most detestable nonsense to me. Can’t you preach and pray behind the hedges, or in a sandpit, or in a coal-hole first? And of all manner of churches thus idiotically built, iron churches are the damnablest to me. And of all the sects and believers in any ruling spirit, Hindoos, Turks, Feather Idolators, and Mumbo Jumbo Log and Fire Worshippers, who want churches, your modern English Evangelical sect is the most absurd and entirely objectionable and unendurable to me. All which you might very easily have found out from my books. Any other sort of sect would, before bothering me to write it to them.――Ever, nevertheless, and in all this saying, your faithful servant,

JOHN RUSKIN.

Having enumerated the most important parodies of our great novelists, and given such extracts as the limits of space would permit, it only remains to mention such other prose parodies of works of fiction, which are either of less merit in themselves, or mimic authors of less importance than those already dealt with. This list can only be approximately complete, as there are hundreds of such parodies buried away in the back numbers of the Magazines and Comic Journals.

W. Harrison Ainsworth.

The Age of Lawn Tennis. A fragment after Harrison Ainsworth’s “Rookwood.” See Tennis Cuts and Quips.

Old Temple Bar; by W, Harrissing Ainsworth. See The Puppet Showman’s Album.

Blueacre. A Romance, by W. Harrising Painsworth. See Our Miscellany, by E. H. Yates and R. B. Brough.

William Black.

In Silk Attire. By W――――m B――――k. See The Tomahawk, July 17, 1869.

There was also a parody of Mr. Black, in The World.

A Princess of Lundy. By W――――m B――――k. See Ben D’Ymion and other Novelettes, by H. F. Lester. London, Swan Sonnenschein & Co., 1887.

This volume also contains:――

Muddlemarsh, by George Eliot. The Portrait of a Hybrid, by Henry James. A Rustic Zenobia, by Thomas Hardy. James Fribblesaint, by J. H Shorthouse.

Countess of Blessington.

Portraits of Children of the Mobility, drawn from Nature, with Memoirs and Characteristic Sketches by the Author of the “Comic English Grammar” (Gilbert A. à Beckett), plates by John Leech. London, 1841.

A remarkably clever parody upon a publication entitled “Children of the Nobility,” issued under the auspices of the Countess of Blessington, the first Edition of which is scarce.

Charlotte Brontë.

Miss Mix. By Charlotte Brontë. See Sensation Novels Condensed, by Bret Harte.

Miss Braddon.

Selina Sedilia. By Miss M. E. Braddon and Mrs. Henry Wood. See Sensation Novels Condensed, by Bret Harte.

Miss Rhoda Broughton.

Gone Wrong. A new Novel by Miss Rhody Dendron, Authoress of “Cometh down like a Shower,” “Red in the Nose is She,” etc.

By F. C. Burnand. London, Bradbury, & Co, 1881.

Colonel F. Burnaby.

THE Ride to Khiva. By F. C. Burnand. London, Bradbury, Agnew & Co, 1879. This burlesque of Colonel Burnaby’s A Ride to Khiva originally appeared in Punch.

Samuel Butler.

The Irish Hudibras, or Fingallian Prince. 1689.

The Whigs’ Supplication; or, Scotch Hudibras, a mock Poem. By Samuel Colville. First published in 1681, there have since been several editions.

The Lentiad; or, Peter the Pope pommelled and Pounded with a Hudibrastic Cudgel. Edited by Rev. John Allan. (Violently Anti-Catholic.) London, William Freeman, 1863.

Butler’s Ghost; or Hudibras, the fourth part, with reflections upon these times. Tom D’Urfey. 1682.

The Modern Hudibras, a poem in three cantos. By George Linley. London, J. C. Hotten, 1864.

“Cœlebs in search of a Wife.”

Cœlebs Deceived, a Novel. 1817.

Celia in search of a Husband, by a Modern Antique. 1809.

Miguel Cervantes.

A Chapter from the Book called The Ingenious Gentleman Don Quixote de la Mancha, which by some mischance has not till now been printed. London, George Redway, 1887.

(A curious dissertation on the literature of the Occult Sciences.)

Don Quixote; or, the Knight of the woeful Countenance. A Romantic Drama, in two acts. By George Almar, Surrey Theatre London, April 8, 1833. (Dicks).

Don Quixote was also dramatised at the Alhambra Theatre, London, a few years ago.

Wilkie Collins.

The Moonstone and Moonshine, after Wilkie Collins. This parody appeared in The Mask, London, August 1868.

No Title, by Wilkie Collins. See Sensation Novels Condensed, by Bret Harte.

Thomas Day.

The New History of Sandford and Merton. Being a True Account of the Adventures of “Masters Tommy and Harry,” with their Beloved Tutor, “Mr. Barlow.” By F. C. Burnand, with 76 Illustrations by Linley Sambourne.

London, Bradbury, Agnew & Co. 1871.

Of all Mr. Burnand’s burlesques, this is probably the most humorous; the immortal tutor prig, Mr. Barlow, the funny moral tales, and the equally funny illustrations, can scarcely be surpassed.

Daniel Defoe.

The New Robinson Crusoe, an Instructive and Entertaining History for the Children of both sexes. Thirty-two woodcuts by John Bewick. London, 1811.

Robinson Crusoe was translated into Latin by F. J. Goffaux in 1823, there are several French versions of it, the “Swiss Family Robinson,” and one in German called “Robinson the Younger,” by J. H. Campe.

Robinson the Younger, translated from the German of J. H. Campe. Hamburg, 1781.

Benjamin Disraeli.

Anti-Coningsby, or the New Generation grown old. By an embryo M.P. (Mr. W. North). 1844.

Hythair. By Walter Parke, Funny Folks, 1876.

Splendimion, or, the Asian Mystery. A Grand “Diz”-torical Romance. By Walter Parke. Funny Folks, 1880.

Charles Dickens.

In the list of plays founded on his novels, given on p. 226, the following should have been included:――

A Christmas Carol. By E. Stirling. Adelphi Theatre. February 5, 1844. (Barth.)

The Chimes. By E. Stirling, Lyceum Theatre, December, 26, 1844.

A Christmas Carol. By Charles Webb, (Barth.)

Martin Chuzzlewit. By Harry Minus, Oxford Theatre, Easter Monday, 1878, (Dicks).

These entries have been courteously supplied by Mr. T. F. Dillon Croker.

Hugh Conway.

Much Darker Days. By A. Huge Longway, author of “Scrawled Black,” “Unbound,” etc.

London, Longmans, Green and Co., 1884. Anonymous, preface signed A. H. L.

A later edition of this parody of Hugh Conway’s Dark Days was published in 1885, with an apologetic Preface.

Hauled Back, by his Wife. By Ugo Gone-away Hugaway. (Anonymous) London, J. and R. Maxwell, 1885.

Henry Fielding.

The History of Tom Jones the Foundling, in his Married State, London, 1750.

Tom Jones, a Comic Opera, as performed at Covent Garden Theatre, the words by Joseph Reed.

Tom Jones was also dramatised by Robert Buchanan, as well as Joseph Andrews, the title of which he changed to Joseph’s Sweetheart.

Mrs. Gore.

Mammon’s Marriage, by Mrs. Bore. See The Shilling Book of Beauty, by Cuthbert Bede.

Fergus W. Hume.

A BLOOD CURDLING ROMANCE.

The Mystery of a Wheelbarrow; or, Gaboriau Gaborooed. By W. Humer Ferguson. London, Walter Scott, 1888. A parody of The Mystery of a Hansom Cab, by Fergus W. Hume, of Melbourne, Australia.

G. P. R. James.

The Page. A Romaunt from English history, by Gustavus Penny Royal Jacobus. See Our Miscellany, by E. H. Yates and R. B. Brough.

The Passage of Prawns. A Tale of Picardy, by George Prince Regent James. See The Puppet Showman’s Album.

In Cruikshank’s Almanac for 1846, will be found an article entitled “Hints to Novelists,” in which short imitations are given of G. P. R. James, C. Dickens, and Fennimore Cooper.

Barbazure, by G. P. R. Jeames, Esq. See Novels by Eminent Hands, by W. M. Thackeray. (These originally appeared in Punch.)

Magnum of Burgundy. A Romance of the Fronde. See A Bowl of Punch, by Albert Smith.

The Robber of Idleburg, by Walter Parke. See The Comic News, London. 1864.

Charles Lever.

Phil. Fogarty. A Tale of the Fighting Onety-oneth. By Harry Rollicker. See Novels by Eminent Hands, by W. M. Thackeray.

Terence Deuville, by Charles L――v――r. See Sensation Novels Condensed, by Bret Harte.

Tom Kinnahan, or the Frays and Fights of a Horse Marine. By Charles Heaver, author of the “Confessions of Larry Jollycur,” etc. See The Puppet Showman’s Album.

Lord Lytton.

The Wrongful Heir; or, What will they do with him? A Strange Story. By Walter Parke. Judy, 1869.

Baron Munchausen.

The Travels and Surprising adventures of Baron Munchausen. First English Edition Oxford, 1786.

There can be little doubt but what this amusing piece of nonsense was written to ridicule certain German memoirs, some say those of Baron de Tott, others say those of Baron Von Trenck. The authorship of the work was also the subject of dispute, but it is now generally ascribed to G. A. Bürger, the German poet, who died in 1794.

In 1792 there appeared A Sequel to the Adventures of Baron Munchausen which was humbly dedicated to Mr. Bruce, the celebrated Abyssinian traveller.

The Surprising, Unheard of, and Never-to-be-surpassed Adventures of Young Munchausen, related and illustrated by C. H. Bennett. In twelve “Stories.” London, Routledge & Co., 1865.

This originally appeared in Routledge’s Every Boy’s Annual.

“Ouida.” (Louise de la Ramée.)

Blue Blooded Bertie, or under two fires. A serial burlesque of Ouida’s “Under Two Flags,” by Walter Parke. Funny Folks, 1875.

Samuel Pepys.

The Diary of Samuel Pepys Esq., while an undergraduate at Cambridge. With notes and appendix. Cambridge: Jonathan Palmer, 1864. This clever parody ran through several Editions, it was thought to be the production of Mr. Cooke, a student of Emanuel College, Cambridge.

Mr. Pips, hys Diary. Manners and Customs of ye English, 1849. By Percival Leigh, with illustrations by Richard Doyle.

The University Commission, or, Lord John Russell’s Postbag, containing Mister Anthony Pepys his Diary, he being a member of the said Commission. Oxford, W. Baxter, 1850.

(Written in the style of Pepys’ Diary.)

Charles Reade.

Chikkin Hazard. A Novel by Charles Readit and Dion Bounceycore. This parody on Fowl Play, written by Mr. F. C. Burnand, first appeared in Punch, it was afterwards issued in book form by Bradbury, Agnew & Co., 1881.

Sir Walter Scott.

Rebecca and Rowena. A sequel to Ivanhoe. By W. M. Thackeray.

Pontefract Castle, a novel attributed to Sir W. Scott. Contained in Tales of my Landlord, new series, published in 1820.

Sir Walter Scott formally disavowed this work at the end of his introduction to “The Monastery,” 1830.

Waverley. An abridged edition was published by Knight and Lacy, London, 1827, with the title page “Novels, Tales, and Romances” by Sir Walter Scott, abridged and illustrated by Sholto Percy. This appears to have been a gross piracy.

Moredun: A tale of the Twelve Hundred and Ten, by W. S. This was published in 1855, as a newly discovered Waverley novel.

Walladmor. (2 vols. 1855). A Novel, by De Quincey, which purported to be “Freely translated into German from the English of Sir Walter Scott, and now freely translated from the German into English.” It appears that German readers were actually hoaxed into the belief that this novel was by Scott.

Hawley Smart.

What’s the Odds? or, The Dumb Jockey of Teddington. A sporting novel by Major Jawley Sharp.

By F. C. Burnand, London, Bradbury and Co., 1879.

(This originally appeared in Punch.)

Horace Smith.

Whitehall; or, the Days of George IV. Dedicated to Sir Edmund Nagle, K.C.B. London. W. Marsh, 1827.

Horace Smith, one of the authors of Rejected Addresses, wrote a number of historical novels, most of which are now entirely forgotten. One of these was called Brambletye House, to ridicule which Dr. William Maginn wrote Whitehall.

“The author’s object,” said the Quarterly Review, in January 1828, “is to laugh down the Brambletye House species of novel; and for this purpose we are presented with such an historical romance as an author of Brambletye House, flourishing in Barbadoes 200 or 2,000 years hence, we are not certain which, nor is the circumstance of material moment, might fairly be expected to compose of and concerning the personages, manners, and events of the age and country in which we live * * * * The book is, in fact, a series of parodies upon unfortunate Mr. Horace Smith,――and it is paying the author no compliment to say that his mimicry (with all its imperfections) deserves to outlive the ponderous original.”

But Whitehall is itself, almost as heavy and as tedious, as the work it parodies.

Robert Louis Stevenson.

The strange case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, by Robert Louis Stevenson. This weird and powerful story was dramatised by Mr. T. Russell Sullivan, and produced at the Lyceum Theatre in August 1888, Mr. Richard Mansfield performed the two title parts.

Another, but very inferior version, was brought out at the Opera Comique, London, by Mr. Bandmann about the same time, which the critics very unkindly laughed at as a ridiculous burlesque. Legal proceedings, however, soon compelled Mr. Bandmann to withdraw his unfortunate adaptation, and hurriedly close the theatre.

The Strange case of the Prime Minister and Mr. Muldoon, by Arthur Law, (London, 1886) was a sixpenny political pamphlet written to ridicule the Earl of Granville, Lord Hartington, Mr. Parnell and Mr. Gladstone.

The best thing in it was the following little parody:――

“You are old, father William,” the young man said, “You are not far off eighty, I ween; And yet you can speak for an hour or two And no one find out what you mean.” “In my youth,” father William replied to his son, “All my scruples I laid on the shelf; And now to drag from me a plain yes or no Would puzzle the devil himself.”

The Pirate’s Hand. A Romance of Heredity. By the Author of “The Strange case of Doctor Shuffle and Mister Glyde.” London, “Judy” office, 1888.

Jonathan Swift.

Hints to Servants; being a poetical and modernised version of Dean Swift’s celebrated “Directions to Servants.” By an Upper Servant. 1843.

Swift himself wrote some burlesques, amongst them one in prose, A Meditation on a Broomstick, in imitation of the style of the Hon. Robert Boyle’s Meditations.

His witty Directions to Servants, and The Polite and Ingenious Conversations, satirical and frequently indecent as they are, are also burlesques of their topics, treated in a very original manner.

Various imitations of the Directions to Servants have been written.

Swift’s Tale of a Tub Reversed for the universal improvement of mankind. 1750.

Gulliver Revived; or, the Vice of Lying properly Exposed, containing singular travels, campaigns, adventures, &c. by Baron Munchausen, also, a Sequel to the Adventures dedicated to Bruce, the Abyssinian Traveller. 1789-92.

Lilliput, being a new journey to that celebrated island, with an account of the manners, customs, &c., of those famous little people, by Lemuel Gulliver, 1766.

A political skit. The names are thinly disguised by the transposition of letters.

Voyage to Locuta; a Fragment, with etchings and notes of illustrations. By Lemuel Gulliver Junr. London, J. Hatchard 1818. A curious little grammatical work written in the form of an allegory, and as a sequel to Gulliver’s travels. (Scarce).

Gulliver and Munchausen outdone, by Peter Vangergoose. London, 1807.

W. M. Thackeray.

The Coachman, the Cook, and their Prodigy the Page. By Wm. Breakpeace Thwackaway.

See The Shilling Book of Beauty. This parody was written by the late J. H. Friswell.

Mrs. Tippikens’ Yellow Velvet Cape. By W. M. Thwackaway. (With an illustration by the author).

See The Puppet Showman’s Album. This little brochure also contains prose imitations of Lytton, G. P. R. James, B. Disraeli, C. Dickens, Charles Lever, T. Carlyle, W. H. Ainsworth, Douglas Jerrold, W. S. Landor, Mrs. Trollope, J. W. Croker and Albert Smith, most of which have already been quoted.

Anthony Trollope.

The Beadle! or, the Latest Chronicle of Small-Beerjester, by Anthony Dollop. Punch, 1880.

The Age of Lawn-Tennis. After Anthony Trollope. See Tennis Cuts and Quips. London, Field and Tuer.

Edmund Yates.

Ba! Ba! Black Sheep. An imitation, with a portrait of Mr. Yates, appeared in The Mask. London. June, 1868.

――――:o:――――

Guy Dyingstone, or the Muscular Patrician. A burlesque Novel by Walter Parke. Funny Folks, 1875.

Guy Deadstone. Another burlesque of “Guy Livingstone,” by the same author, appeared in Judy, 1869.

The Desperado of the Wilderness: or, The Maid, the Murderer, and the Demon Huntsman of Ashantee. This was a thrilling narrative of the “Boys of England” type, it appeared in Gleanings from “The Blue” 1881.

Our Boys Novelist, being stories of Wild Sport for the Youths of all Nations, with illustrations of the correctly exaggerated type by Harry Furniss, appeared in Punch, 1882.

――――

THE APPROACH OF WINTER.

――――pull up the wicket and the stake, And put by the mallet and the ball; For no more Croquet will be played this year, It’s getting much too late in the fall.

PROGRAMMES AND PROCESSIONS.

YE ANNUALE WHYTEBAITE DINNER OF HYR MAJESTYE’S MINISTERS, On WEDNESDAIE, ye 14th AUGUST, 1878, Atte ye Hostelrie yclept Ye SHIPPE, atte GREENWICHE.

This Bille of ye Fare is drawn in playne Englysh, without any cloake of Frenche or other foreygne tongue, for the sadde and sobere comforte of frendes, and that ye maye know what ye are asked to accept.

YE BILLE OF YE FARE.

Ye Soupe. Soupe made from ye Turtle, and alsoe Soupe made from ye Greene Fatte of ye same.

Ye Fyshe. Ye Flounders curyously cooked, and Salmonne servyd inne lyke mannere. Ryssoles of ye Lobstere. Ye lyttel Soles, fryed. Ye Pudynges of ye Whyting. Ye Eles skynned and stewed inne ye riche wyne of Oporto. Ye Omelette of Crabbe inne ye style as servyd to ye Guardes of ye Blue Seale. Ye Troute from ye River Spey, grylled with ye sauce of Tartar. Salmonne inne collopes, with ye sauce inne ye Cyprus fashonne.

Ye Whytebaite, be-frizzled, and alsoe be-devylled.

Fleshe and Fowle. Sweetbreades with ye Mushroomes added thereunto. Ye Haunche of ye Royale Bucke, with Haricotte Beans servyd therewith. Ye Antient Hamme, from ye Citye of Yorke, grylled inne wyne of Champagne. Ye Grouse from ye Northe Countree. Hogge Bacone and younge Beanes.

Ye Sweetes, &c. Apprycottes flavoured with Noyau. Pudynges iced, after ye Nesselrode mannere. Lyttel Cakes made with ye Cheese from Parma, inne Italie. Ye Ices flavoured with Oranges and Strauberres.

Divers Fruytes which are your Desertes, and ye Wynes of Champagne and manie outlandysh countrees.

Ye Dinner will be servyd after ye mannere of ye Russian people.

Ye Guestes are bydden to eate after ye Hungarie mannere.

W. T. BALE, Mastere.

――――:o:――――

Miss Louisa Alcorn, a musical lady of New York, gave a dinner to a party of operatic friends. Here is the menu:――

Overture of Blue points. Soup with vermicelli obligato. Crabs al largo. Andante of Veal. Maccaroni scherzo. Gavotte of Pork and Beans. Pepper Sauce allegretto. Roast Beef maestoso. Tomato torcata, and bourrée of Yorkshire pudding. Ducks with accompaniments in P.’s. Game (in not too high a key). A symphony in Sweets.

――――:o:――――

The following was the menu of the Capital Club dinner, held on January 31st 1885.

MENU.

“Man shall not live by bread alone.”――Matthew iv., 4.

[Entries close at 8 o’clock. Open to all members. Start from scratch.]

OYSTERS.

Bluepoints, double geared. Fluted forks.

SOUP.

Volaille au Riz l’Allemande tra la la le.

FISH.

Red Snapper, elliptical backbone, Shrimp sauce. Hollandaise Potatoes, tandem.

RELEVE.

Saddle of Southdown mutton, long distance. Capon braise, a la Toulouse, not too loose.

ENTREES.

Filet de Bœuf, piqué, with laced spokes. Cotelettes de Mouton, with power traps. Spring Chicken, fried, with noiseless ratchets. Quail on toast, with rat-trap pedals. Punch, a la Cardinal, Pope M’f’g Company.

GAME.

Canvas Back Duck, buckled, with Croton Waste. Venison, with Currant Jelly, shrunk on. Pool, with set ups. Billiards, with ball-bearings.

SALADS.

Lobsters narrow-tread. Chicken, with gunmetal hubs.

VEGETABLES.

Green Peas, droped forged. Sweet Corn, half-nickled. Baked Mashed Potatoes, on the dead centre. Stewed Tomatoes, anti-friction.

DESSERT.

Tapioca Pudding, non-corrodent sauce. Assorted Cakes, enamelled and striped. Strawberry Ice Cream, on one wheel. Macaroons, Invincible double section hollow rims. Fruits, sociable. Champagne Jelly, hands-off. Roquefort Cheese, hill climbing.

LIQUORS.

French Coffee. Aqua Pura, Glace à la Artesian.

Music by Schrœder.

――――:o:――――

PRESCRIPTION FOR FEELIN’ BAD.

iii gr. Aquy pury. About ¼ pint Whiskii Hyberniæ. ⅛ inch Lemoni } ad discretionem. iii dr. Lumpi sugari}

Mixiter cum crusher.

Directions for application.

Foment the interior of the mouth with ⅛ of the mixture. Shortly after use ⅛ as a gargle, the same to be washed down with the remainder forthwithly.

The Hornet, 1871.

――――:o:――――

UN-OFFICIAL PROGRAMME OF THE LORD MAYOR’S SHOW for 1884.

BY DEPUTY CHAFF-WAX. (This is much too long to be given in full)

The Services of the City Trumpeters will be dispensed with, the Lord Mayor having signified his intention of blowing his own, for which service he is eminently qualified.

ALDERMAN SAVORY

Will enliven the March by singing scraps of Dr. Watts’ hymns.

ALDERMAN H. T. WATERLOW

(the Alphabet Alderman) is to be escorted by the twenty-six electors who made him an Alderman and Magistrate for life!!!

SIR JOHN BENNETT AND ALDERMAN HADLEY

will march arm-in-arm in sack-cloth and ashes doing penance for their presumption.

The Banners of the City Knights will be emblazoned with the new device:――

“REAL TURTLE AND MOCK TITLES”

The Banner of ALDERMAN TEETOTUM WHITEHEAD bearing the Inscription

“VIDEO MELIORA PROBOQUE DETERIORA SEQUOR.”

CAPTAIN SHAW OF THE FIRE BRIGADE

will attend with his own hose, and if necessary, to restrain the enthusiastic reception of the Lord Mayor, will play upon the people.

BUMBLEDOM

Is to be represented by all the Companies and Parish Beadles and Jacks in office in London, with cocked hats, gold lace, mace, cinnamon, &c.

Banner of LORD MAYOR FOWLER,

with the device

_The motto for Liberals permit me to mention, “Bradlaugh and Blasphemy” is my invention._

MAJOR SEWELL AND SIR T. NELSON

Will exhibit the Secret Service Cash Book.

The Splendid Banner of the League, with the device――

“WHY SHOULD LONDON WAIT,”

Borne by Messrs. Firth, Beal, Lloyd, and Phillips.

A CARTOON OF LAZARUS AND DIVES REPRESENTING

On one side――Civic Satraps dining―― On the other, “Out-cast London”――pining.

ONE POLICEMAN ARM-IN-ARM.

The City Marshall on Horseback Singing, “Let me Like a Soldier Fall.”

A DISSOLVING VIEW

of the odious Coal and Wine Dues, (The Metropolitan Board doing a Break-down.)

DEPUTY BEDFORD,

the City Wag, will join the procession at Temple Bar, where he will await it on his £12,000 Griffin.

THE WONDERFUL BILL OF THE CIVIC BANQUET WHICH COST £27,000!!!

Will be carried by the Common Councilmen who ate it, to amuse the people who paid for it.

THE SHERIFFS

will be preceded by the band of the Rueful Brigade, playing selections from Madame Hang-o’.

THE TROPHIES OF OUR COLONIES WILL BE FOLLOWED BY THE

TROPHIES OF OUR LONDON SLUMS, FOLLOWED BY NEMESIS!!

THE RT. HON. SIR WM. VERNON HARCOURT, M.P., Will ask the populace at every stoppage

“If they will submit to the dictation of the Leeds Caucus and suffer the Constitution to be tinkered at, while the heart of the Empire is suffering from congestion.”

THE BANNER OF THE UNION Will be followed by the 90,000 London Paupers.

THE LATE LORD MAYOR Will be serenaded by the Vauxhall Water Co.’s Share-holders――“Good Night――Good Knight,” &c.

LORD MAYOR FOWLER

Will be preceded by a Herald who will announce the fact that his Lordship represents some 200 nobodies and will shine for 12 months in the reflected light of FOUR MILLIONS, but in consideration of his gentleness, dignity, and urbanity, and in the hope that he will be

THE LAST OF THE SHAMS He must be tolerated accordingly.

This tomfoolery now will be brought to a close in a very appropriate way, sir, By Alderman Finis and Corpulent Innes, and Alderman Polly Decay Sir.

N.B.――The Chairman of the S. E. Rly. will be an hour behind time.――As usual.

――――

THE LORD MAYORS SHOW, 1884.

Mounted Police clearing five-barred gates. City Police clearing their throats.

The Mayors of Brighton, Ramsgate, and Margate in Bathing Machines drawn by their own Horses.

A lot of people whom nobody knows in hired flys.

THE COMPANY OF POLITICIANS.

The PREMIER, Axing his way.

Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT, with Municipal Bill, arm-in-arm. One hundred Members of the House of Peers, in morning dress. The old Chain Pier from Brighton in full armour. The Faithful Wimbledon, Wandsworth and Putney Commons.

THE COMPANY OF PAINTERS.

Twenty Royal Academicians, in beautiful modern costumes, in a chariot Drawn by Themselves!!

THE COMPANY OF WRITERS.

Lord TENNYSON, in his Inverness cape and coronet. Professor RUSKIN, anyhow. A round dozen of the Incorporated Society of Authors, assorted.

THE COMPANY OF PLAYERS.

Mr. TOOLE drawing a House. Walking Gentlemen coming slowly as “Strollers” The Jersey Lily and Lyceum MARY, as Sandwich Girls, carrying Somebody’s Soft Soap.

THE COMPANY OF WARRIORS.

Our Only General, in his only uniform. Our Only Admiral, a little out of date. Ironclads on horseback. Each mounted on an old screw.

THE COMPANY OF ROYALTIES.

Royalties on Songs, Royalties on Books, Royalties on everything. Mr. GEORGE GROSSMITH as “The Susceptible Chancellor,” followed by all THE JUDGES of Wine, of Pictures, of Plays, and THE JUDGE OF THE RACE in his own private box.

THE RIGHT HONOURABLE THE LORD MAYOR, as “A Positive,” bearing banner with motto “Photo de Mieux,” In his State Robes, Supported by the Stereoscopic Company.

The Procession will be closed by A NEGATIVE OF THE LATE LORD MAYOR Accompanied by a Band playing “Love for a Year!”

Punch.

――――:o:――――

HOW THEY’LL OPEN THE INVENTORIES.

Massed Steel Band, Composed of Eminent Surgeons, playing on their Surgical Instruments. Tune――“The Savile Row Lancers.” Specimens of Agricultural Implements, marshalled by a Steam Drill Master. Steam Ploughs and their Chères, arm in arm. Thrashing Machines following in the beaten track. A detachment of Devonshire Hinds (hinder part before). Delegates from the National Agricultural Labourers’ Union, bearing their own Triumphal “Arch.” Band, playing “The Cameras are coming.” Photographic Apparatus, focussing and swearing. Miss Mary Anderson, drawn in a brightly-coloured “carte” Two Negatives making a Positive. Two Positivists taking a Negative. A Photographic Sportsman taking a Fence. Band, playing “The Harp that once through Tara’s Halls,” and the Tune the old cow died of. Cue-rious Instruments, headed by two “Jiggers.” “P-an’-O” Boats, with sales set on the Three Years’ Hire System. The first pair of “Lyres” ever discovered. A Predatory Brass Band, playing “Band-ditties.” Sample of the “Horns” originally exalted in the East. “Cavendish,” playing “The Last Trump.” Deputation from the “Portland,” playing little Clubs. Mr. Charles Warner, singing his “Last Chaunts.” Gold Band, playing “All round my hat.” Novel Inventions three abreast. Miss Braddon and “Ouida” inventing plots. Padding. Dramatists inventing Situations. More Padding. Hydraulic Presses collecting Water Rates. Captive Balloonatics (with their Keepers). Armour-plated “Monitors.” Lent by the King’s College School authorities. Fountains, playing Handel’s “Water Music.” A Thames Angler, playing a Fish. Band of Swindlers, playing False Cards. Diplomatic Inventions à la Russe. The latest thing in Despatches Invented by General Komaroff. Band of Diplomatists, playing the Fool.

Funny Folks, May, 1885.

――――:o:――――

THE LORD MAYOR’S SHOW, 1885.

The following programme originally appeared in The Sporting Times, November 7, 1885. It has been found necessary to abbreviate it, partly because it was too long, and partly because it was too broad.

Next Monday this time-honoured procession will once more perambulate the streets, squares, ponds, reservoirs, and bars of the metropolis. Every one being sick of the Guildhall, it will this year start from Bow Street, passing by the stage-door of the Gaiety Theatre, proceeding through the Gaiety grill room, into Prosser’s Avenue. The procession will then proceed vià Drury Lane Theatre to the Royal, returning by Rules’ in Maiden Lane, down to Romano’s. Thence, if not interfered with by the police, and still sufficiently sober to proceed, it will march to the Criterion, en route for Hatchett’s. After that its course is a trifle uncertain. The order of the procession will be as follows:――

POLICE UNARMED WITH REVOLVERS. Burglars Beating Police. Police Armed with Revolvers. Ambulance Waggons Containing Respectable Citizens shot down as Burglars. BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF LUMBERERS. Banner of the Banner of the Punching Machine. Lord Chief Justice. The Lumberer’s Band.

Triumphal Car depicting Early English Industries. On this vehicle, kindly lent by the Worshipful Company of Card Makers, will be depicted, as the procession rolls by, the whole Art and Science of faking the broads, cutting longs and shorts, of dealing the long hand, and abundances at Solo.

Welshers who have passed into Tattersall’s.

Welshers who have been chucked while endeavouring to pass into Tattersall’s.

BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF BAT MAKERS.

Banner of J. L. Shine. Banner of John Coleman.

BANNER OF LADY ARCHIE CAMPBELL.

The Bat Band. Air: “Batti! Batti!”

BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF CHILDREN PROTECTORS. Banner of Darby. Banner of Stead. Banner of Booth. Banner of Blobbs.

BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF TAPEMAKERS.

Banner of the Albert Club. The Governor of Holloway. The Governor of Pentonville. Late Friends of the Governor’s on Tickets of Leave. Present Friends of the Governor’s on Treadmills. Aldermen who have passed the chair. Aldermen who have passed the bottle. Aldermen who have passed nothing. Banner of Beecham. Banner of Cockle. Banner bearing motto, “N. S.” Banner bearing motto, “Refer to Drawer.” Banner bearing motto, “No Account.” Banner of Sewage Banner of Billingsgate Commissioners. Fish Ring. Banner of Mudsalad Market. Band of Her Majesty’s Scavengers.

THE LADY MAYORESS SHIFTER In a Brompton ’Bus, Attended by Her Landlady. Banner of the Gaiety Theatre Canteen.

THE LORD MAYOR. People with People with Aquiline Noses. Snub Noses.

TRIUMPHAL CAR, representing the Search For Chips or “Where is the Oofbird?”

――――:o:――――

THE LORD MAYOR’S SHOW, 1886.

(THE YEAR OF THE SOCIALIST SCARE.)

It is stated that the Lord Mayor’s Show this year will be of an entirely novel character, and will be made up somewhat like this:――

THE CITY MARSHAL, On horseback, glued to the saddle for the sake of safety.

DETACHMENT OF THE LIGHT CAVALRY OF THE VERY ANCIENT AND STILL MORE HONOURABLE ARTILLERY COMPANY, Dismounted for fear of accidents.

THE CHIEF COMMISSIONER OF THE CITY POLICE, Escorted by a detachment of the Social Democratic Federation.

BANNER OF THE UNEMPLOYED.

BAND OF THE UNITED ORDER OF GERMAN MUSICIANS. BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF CITY GORGERS.

BANNER OF CHARLES HARRIS, ESQ. CHARLES HARRIS, ESQ., Seated on a triumphal car.

BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF SCENE SHIFTERS. BAND OF THE ROYAL HORSE MARINES. (GREEN). ALDERMEN WHO HAVE PASSED THE BOTTLE. ALDERMEN WHO HAVE NOT PASSED THE BOTTLE, But have preferred to keep it near them. BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF LOAN MONGERS.

BANNER OF COMMISSIONER KERR. BAND OF THE ROYAL DISMOUNTED INFANTRY. THE RIGHT HONOURABLE THE LORD MAYOR’S CARRIAGE, Containing the Sword and Mace Bearers, the Lord Mayor being absent on other business.

ESCORT OF THE ROYAL HORSE MARINES. (GREEN).

RAG. TAG. BOBTAIL.

It has been considered advisable to omit the scriptural quotations from the following reprint:――

COPY OF A BILL WRITTEN BY THE LATE REV. ROWLAND HILL, which was stuck up at RICHMOND, On SATURDAY, 4th of June, 1774, close to the Play Bill for that day. The design was to divert the minds of the gay and dissipated, from the vain amusements of the THEATRE And to fix their attention on the awful circumstances which shall usher in, and succeed, “The Great and Terrible Day of the Lord.” ―――― BY COMMAND OF the KING OF KINGS, and at the desire of all who love his appearing. At the THEATRE OF THE UNIVERSE on the Eve of time, will be performed THE GREAT ASSIZE or DAY OF JUDGMENT, ――――

THE SCENERY

Which is now actually preparing, will not only surpass everything that has yet been seen, but will infinitely exceed the utmost stretch of human conception. There will be a just REPRESENTATION of ALL THE INHABITANTS of the WORLD, in their various and proper colours; and their costumes and manners will be so exact, and so minutely delineated, that the most secret thought will be discovered.

This THEATRE will be laid out after a new plan, and will consist of

PIT & GALLERY

only; and contrary to all others, the GALLERY is fitted up for the reception of Persons of High (or Heavenly) Birth, and the PIT for those of Low (or Earthly) Rank. N.B.――The GALLERY is very spacious, and the PIT without bottom.

To prevent inconvenience, there are separate doors for admitting the company; and they are so different that none can mistake that are not wilfully blind. The Door which opens into the GALLERY is very narrow, and the steps up to it somewhat difficult: for which reason there are seldom many people about it. But the Door that gives entrance into the PIT is very commodious: which causes such numbers to flock to it that it is generally crowded. N.B.――The straight Door leads towards the right hand, and the broad one to the left. It will be in vain for one in a tinselled coat and borrowed language to personate one of HIGH BIRTH in order to get admittance into the upper places, for there is One of wonderful and deep penetration who will search and examine every individual and all who cannot pronounce SHIBBOLETH in the language of Canaan, or has not received a white stone and a new name, or cannot prove a clear title to a certain portion of the LAND OF PROMISE, must be turned in at the left door.

ACT FIRST.

of this grand and solemn piece will be opened by AN ARCHANGEL WITH THE TRUMP OF GOD!!!

ACT SECOND.

PROCESSION OF SAINTS

In white, with Golden Harps, accompanied with Shouts of Joy and Songs of Praise.

ACT THIRD.

AN ASSEMBLAGE OF ALL THE UNREGENERATE, THE MUSIC will chiefly consist of Cries, accompanied with WEEPING, WAILING, MOURNING, LAMENTATION, and WOE.

To conclude with an oration by

THE SON OF GOD.

After which the Curtain will drop.

TICKETS for the PIT, at the easy purchase of following the pomps and vanities of the Fashionable World, and the desires and amusements of the Flesh, to be had at every Flesh-pleasing Assembly.

TICKETS for the GALLERY, at no less rate than being converted, forsaking all, denying self, taking up the Cross, and following Christ in the Regeneration. To be had no where but in the word of God, and where that word appoints.

N.B.――No money will be taken at the door, nor will any Tickets give admittance into the Gallery but those sealed by the Lamb.

COMPANY PROSPECTUSES.

Of late years the British public has been surfeited with the Prospectuses of new Limited Liability Companies; needy Lords and retired officers have been in great request for the Boards of Directors, they being precisely the two classes of men least likely to have any knowledge of business, or experience in commercial affairs.

Some of these Prospectuses have been so ridiculous in themselves that they read like burlesques, but numbers of amusing parodies of Company Prospectuses have also been published.

One of the best and earliest of these appeared in Blackwood’s Magazine, October 1845 during the great Railway Mania. It was written by Professor Aytoun, and was styled “How we got up the Glenmutchin Railway, and how we got out of it.”

This detailed the inception of a bogus Scotch Railway, and the prospectus of the Direct Glenmutchin Railway, with a list of the Directors, is one of the finest pieces of humorous writing in the language.

Another amusing parody was brought out some years ago, namely “The Gott-up Hotel Company, Limited,” with Sir Titus A. Drum, Baronet, as Chairman of the Directors.

When the Crown Prince of Portugal visited London in 1883, he went to Claridge’s Hotel, as he had not been invited to any of the Royal Palaces, this caused Mr. Punch to issue the following:――

PROMISING PROSPECTUS.

THE ROYAL AND IMPERIAL HOMELESS AND WANDERING VISITORS HOTEL COMPANY (LIMITED).

The Directors of this unique and magnificently conceived enterprise, undertaken with a view to supplying that now long experienced National want, a suitable palatial residence for Princes and Potentates found wandering in search of a fitting domicile about the back streets of the Metropolis, have much pleasure in informing their intended august Patrons, that their perfectly-appointed establishment will shortly open under the direction of a well-known and experienced retired Central-European Monarch, whose distinguished services they have had the honour to secure.

The following (extracted from the Company’s Abridged Prospectus) comprise a few of the leading features of the new establishment:――

The building will stand on a convenient and imposing site judiciously selected in the immediate vicinity of the Metropolitan District Railway Station, St. James’s Park, and within easy access of the Aquarium, Westminster Bridge, the House of Detention, and the Foreign Office.

There will be no lettered name or title on the façade of the new Hotel, which will, with the object of giving rise to a pleasing illusion, be specially designed by the architect to resemble as far as possible that of a not far distant and generally unoccupied Royal Palace.

A trained and certificated Diplomatist, who can speak several European languages fluently, will be permanently attached to the staff of the establishment, and will give his services gratis.

A couple of effective Sentry Boxes will also be placed at the principal entrance, and occupied permanently by two of the Company’s Private Soldiers, who, dressed in the correct uniform of HER MAJESTY’S Foot Guards, will be efficiently drilled for their duty.

Gold Sticks in Waiting will attend in the Hall for the purpose of receiving Royal and Imperial Visitors. They will also, if desired to do so, precede them to their respective apartments, walking backwards up-stairs for a small extra charge.

The general scheme of the establishment will include several public Throne and Reading Rooms, A Privy Council Chamber, Gala Banquet Hall, and a series of excellent Billiard and Abdication Tables by the best makers.

In order to meet the requirements of august personages who desire to be surrounded at a reasonable cost with such State accessories as are proper to their dignity and position, the subjoined Tariff of Prices has been carefully arranged by the Management, in the hope that it will be found not incompatible with a charge on the most moderate civil list:――

TARIFF.

Private Royal or Imperial Sitting-Room (per day) 5_s._ to 7_s_ 6_d._ (Ditto, ditto, with throne, 2_s._ 6_d._ extra.)

Ditto Bed-Room (exclusive of light) 3_s._ to 6_s._

State Imperial ditto, with half-tester velvet canopy 8_s._

Double-bedded ditto (suitable for two Emperors) 14_s._

Breakfast, consisting of Tea or Coffee, with cold Meat, broiled Ham, or Eggs 2_s._ 6_d._

Ditto, ditto, with full Military Band outside 3_s._

Chop or Steak, with potatoes 1_s._ 6_d._

Ditto, ditto, with Salvos of Artillery at intervals 1_s._ 9_d._

State Dinner of Soup, or Fish, Entrées, Joint, with Cheese and Celery 3_s._ 6_d._

Ditto, ditto, including Toast-Master and Musical Grace 5_s._

Ditto, ditto, in Uniform, at High Table (if singly) 1_s._ extra.

Gas Illumination on Exterior of Sitting-Room, according to device (per evening) From 2_s._ to 10_s._ 6_d._

Cup of Tea 4_d._

Ditto, on Throne 6_d._

Two Lancers to attend Cab or Carriage to Theatre or Reception (for first hour) 1_s._ For each succeeding hour 6_d._

Daily crowd (with cheers), on entering or leaving hotel, by contract.

Strictest attention paid to the slightest International prejudices.

An ultimatum always ready on the premises.

Punch, December 22, 1883.

――――:o:――――

A few extracts from the PROSPECTUS OF THE HORSE SHOE HOTEL, Tottenham Court Road, London.

This hotel was built and arranged for the special comfort and convenience of the travelling public.

On arrival, each guest will be asked how he likes the situation, and if he says the hotel ought to have been placed nearer the park or railway station, the location of the house will be immediately changed. Front rooms, on first floor, for each guest.

Bath, gas, hot and cold water, laundry, telegraph, fire escape, restaurant, bar-room, billiard tables, daily papers, sewing machine, grand piano, a clergyman, and all other modern conveniences in every room.

Meals every minute if desired. Waiters of any desired nationality.

Every waiter furnished with a libretto, button-hole bouquets, full dress suits, theatre tickets, the latest tips, and his hair parted down the middle. Every guest will have the best seat in the dining hall, and the best waiter in the house.

Any guest not getting his breakfast red hot, or experiencing a delay of fifteen seconds after giving his order for dinner, will please mention the fact at the Manager’s Office, and the cooks and waiters will at once be blown by Her Majesty’s Horse Guards from the mouth of the cannon.

Children will be welcomed with delight, and are requested to bring hoop-sticks and jack-knives, to bang and hack the carved rosewood furniture, specially provided for the purpose; they will be allowed to thump the piano at all hours, fall down stairs, scream and yell to their heart’s content, carry away dessert enough for a small family in their pockets at dinner, and make themselves otherwise as agreeable and entertaining as the fondest mother can desire. Washing underlinen allowed in all the drawing-rooms.

A discreet waiter, who belongs to the Masons, Odd Fellows, and Women’s Suffrage, and who was never known to tell the truth, has been employed to carry milk punches and hot toddies to the ladies’ rooms in the evening.

The office clerk has been carefully selected to please everybody, and can play unlimited loo, match worsteds at the shop round the corner, toss for drinks at any hour, day or night, play billiards, a good waltzer, amuse the children, is a good judge of horses, as a railroad reference is far superior to the A B C, Bradshaw’s, or anybody else’s guide, will flirt with any young lady, and not mind being cut dead when “Pa comes down,” don’t mind being damned any more than the Regent’s Canal, can put forty people into the best room in the house when the hotel is full, and answer questions in Greek, Hebrew, Choctaw, Irish, or any other polite language, at the same moment, without turning a hair.

Dogs allowed in any room in the house, including the w(h)ine room. Gentlemen can drink, smoke, swear, chew, gamble, tell shady stories, stare at the new arrivals, or indulge in any other innocent amusements in any part of the hotel.

The landlord will always be happy to hear that some other hotel is “the best in the country,” and that his is the very worst.

――――:o:――――

Dear Jack.

Enclosed Draft Prospectus was got up by one of our “sinners,”[56] and as just now the public will buy any mortal thing, I seriously believe there is coin in the idea. Send the manuscript to the printer, just as it stands, and tell him to set it up and send a few pulls, marked “Private――First Proof,” which I will pass round and get licked into shape.

Yours, old fellow, Peter Preemium.

P.S.――Keep it quiet.

THE QUILL TOOTHPICK ATTACHMENT COMPANY, LIMITED.

Messrs LAYIT ONTHICK & CO., offer for subscription the undermentioned Capital:

(The subscription list will open on Saturday next at Four o’clock in the afternoon, and will close at five minutes past Nine on Monday morning.)

Ordinary Shares, £10 each £5,000,000 Preference 6 per cent. Shares, £10 each £4,500,000 ―――――――――― Total Share Capital £9,500,000 Debenture Stock bearing interest at 5 per cent. (redeemable at the Company’s option up to the expiration of twenty years from the first of April next (1887) at 110 per cent.) £3,000,000 ―――――――――― £12,500,000 ===========

“One-half of the ordinary Shares is reserved for the Vendor, who will hold as long as it suits his convenience, and the remainder, together with the Preference Shares and Debenture Stock, are now offered severally for public subscription at par.

THE QUILL TOOTHPICK ATTACHMENT COMPANY, LIMITED,

has been formed to supply the whole world with Quill Toothpicks, the interiors of which will be charged with hydraulically compressed drinks, such as the stout of Guinness, the ale of Bass, the champagne of , the whiskey of , the port of , and the sherry of .

_Might charge these as advertisements, say £25 each, and cheap enough at the money._

By means of a new forcing machine, which the vendor is now trying to invent, he thinks that a quart of Guinness or a bottle of Champagne can be readily compressed into the interior of a Toothpick, and when in the mouth the contents will be gently and gradually released by the touch of a spring. The Tea of , and the Coffee of will be stored in a similar manner. The Company will grant Royalties to Temperance Societies.

Try Cooper Cooper & Co., and that tinned French Coffee chap――I forget his name――for advertisement. If you can, get some soft soap into the prospectus, Pears’ should be safe for at least £100.

The advantages of the Quill Toothpick Attachment must be apparent to the meanest capacity. For instance, a man is invited out to dine, and finds himself in danger of being poisoned. He pulls out a Toothpick charged with the desired drink, and the morning headache is avoided. Ten thousand Toothpicks charge with - - - - -

Charge £50 for this advertisement.

wonderful brand of champagne will be distributed gratis to the female leaders of society, and it is anticipated that the use of toothpicks will soon become common to both sexes at every meal. As a further development it is anticipated that hosts will soon cease altogether to provide bottled drinks for their guests, and in place thereof will lay in quantities of Toothpicks charged by the Company. The contents of the Toothpicks will in all cases be absolutely guaranteed to be what they are, and this the Directors distinctly guarantee it is impossible to dispute.

The prospects of the Company are exceedingly brilliant. Professor Figuritout has been specially feed for the compilation of the following startling statistics:

“The population of the world,” says the learned Professor, “is in round figures ,000,000,000,” and the Professor stakes his reputation that 00·000 per cent. uses a Toothpick.

Fill in at discretion.

The Company hope to make very large profits out of the Toothpicks themselves, and will at once proceed to open negotiations for the purchase of farms and ranches in the great Sahara of Africa and the vast plains of America for the cultivation of the Anser Vulgaris, or common goose.

The Anser Vulgaris flourishes everywhere, and by gentle persuasion readily and painlessly parts with its feathers, in fact it generally takes some time to discover that anything is wrong. The gander parts less readily, and as a rule the feathers are small and so few in number as to be hardly worth plucking.

There is another well-known and exceedingly strong feathered breed of goose (Anser Stockexchangeiensis) frequenting the numerous runs adjacent Capel Court. This breed parts with no persuasion, in fact at times it courts being plucked, but it has a nasty habit of shortly wanting back again all its own feathers and as many of other people’s as it can possibly grab hold of. Sometimes, but not often, it loses nearly every feather it has got, and then it gently hisses, and horribly blasphemes.”

These Extracts are taken from a Prospectus issued by John Heywood, Manchester, in 1887.

――――:o:――――

Numerous burlesque acts of Parliament have been published, the late Albert Smith wrote several which were printed in imitation of parliamentary papers. One was entitled “An Act to amend the laws relating to the giving of Dinner and Evening Parties. Act 1. Cap 1. 1848.”

――――

(Ireland.) A BILL intituled,

An Act for the better defence and support of Life of Landlord and Tenant, and to facilitate the Maintenance and Comfort of Persons subject to certain starvation in IRELAND.

Preamble.

WHEREAS there has been always found to be a certain connexion between Misery and Outrage in Ireland; AND WHEREAS, there is no reason to believe that the Irish people have a greater fancy for shooting each other than other people; AND WHEREAS, hitherto every kind of Coercion has been tried without effect, and the only means of preventing outrage that has not been tried is to give the people work and food.

I. BE IT ENACTED that from and after the passing of this Act, it shall and may be compulsory upon every English Cabinet Minister, before he legislates for Ireland, to pay a visit to the same, and learn something of the real state of the people and the country thereof.

II. AND BE IT ENACTED, that it shall and may be lawful to teach Irish Landlords that Property has its duties as well as its Rights, and that the latter may best be secured by a due and proper discharge of the former.

III. AND BE IT ENACTED, that from and after the passing of this Act, Milk of Human Kindness be allowed to be imported into Ireland, and used freely in all parts of the same, instead of the Odium Theologicum or Odium Politicum now in use, in lieu thereof.

* * * * *

VIII. AND BE IT ENACTED, that a compensation not exceeding £ per annum, be paid to Mr. O’Connell and all hired agitators, for the loss they shall sustain by the passing of this Bill.

IX. AND BE IT ENACTED, that in the construction of this Act, masculine words shall mean feminine, and singular plural; and that all other rules of grammar shall be violated, as in other Acts is usually provided.

From The Almanack of the Month. July, 1846.

――――

In 1862, Carter of Regent Street, London, published “Official Regulations on Female Dress during the International Exhibition of 1862.” This amusing skit was also got up in correct official style.

――――:o:――――

OFFICE RULES.

1. Gentlemen upon entering will Leave the door wide open, or apologise.

2. Those having No Business should remain as Long as Possible, take a chair, and Lean against the Wall; it will preserve the wall, and may prevent its fall upon us.

3. Gentlemen are requested to Smoke especially during Office Hours; Tobacco and Cigars will be supplied.

4. Talk Loud or Whistle, especially when we are engaged; if this has not the desired effect, Sing.

5. If we are in Business Conversation with anyone you are requested not to wait until we are done, but Join in, as we are particularly fond of speaking to half-a-dozen or more at a time.

6. Profane Language is expected at all times, especially if Ladies are present.

7. Put your feet on the tables, or lean against the Desk; it will be of great assistance to those who are writing.

8. Persons having no Business with this Office will call often or excuse themselves.

9. Should you need the loan of any Money do not fail to Ask for it, as we do not require it for Business Purposes, but merely for the sake of lending.

Our hours for listening to Solicitors for Benevolent Purposes are from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m., Book Agents from 1 to 3 p.m., Beggars, Pedlers, and Insurance Agents all day. We attend to our Business at Night.

The Lord helpeth those that help themselves, but the Lord help any man caught helping himself here.

――――

THE MENAGERIE. (A Burlesque Lecture.)

“Hi! hi! hi! walk up, walk up, walk up! The only show in the fair, the largest and the best! The penny seats are all a penny, the ha’penny seats are four for tuppence! Ladies and gentlemen, we ’ave the most astounding collection of ’uman and animal fernomenons ever exhibited to the public of this or any other town! The pictures on the outside of the carawan ain’t nothink to the marvels to be seen alive within! Give the drum a one-er!

“Before a-inviting of you to enter, and taste the joys of Elysium to be ’ad at the small charge of one penny, I will exhibit to your astonished and admiring gaze a few pictorual illusterations of the wonders to be shortly disclosed to you. Give the drum a one-er!

“The first speciment I shall introduct to your notice is the Spotted Babe of Peru. The infant is so called from being born in the Ratcliffe ’Ighway! It was born at a very early age bein’ quite a child at the time. It had two parients, one male and one female. I should be deludin’ of you, ladies and gents, if I concealed from you the fack that its male parient was its father. The infant is covered all over with spots or specks. There ain’t nothink ketchin’ in the spots or specks. They wos caused by its grandfather ’avin swaller’d a box o’ dominoes in a fit of duleruam tremins. When tormented by the pangs of ’unger, the infant do not gnash ’is toothless gums and ’owl for grub like the ornary babe of commerce, but ’e climbs to the rooft of the carawan, where ’e barks like a dorg! ’Ence the term, ‘Peruvian Bark’! Give the drum a one-er!

“The next speciment I shall introduct to your notice is the O-rang-O-tang! The o-rang-o-tang ain’t a Irish beast, as ’is name might imply. ’E is a celebrated bird of the hinside of Central Africa. ’E do not live on cotton-wool and carster-hile, as is poplerly supposed! Oh, no, that there is a aspershin on the manner of the inseck! ’E climbs aloft to the giddy summat of the Halpine palm-tree, where ’e ’angs upsy-down by the roof of ’is mouth; ketches the prairie-hyster with ’is hyebrows; cracks it with ’is fore’ead; devours the lushus froot; and distriboots the shells among ’is noomerous orfspring! Give the drum a one-er!

The next objek of interest is the Bovis Kimmunis, or Commin Cow. The cow is the most dimmestercated of all wile animals. ’E is a oblong beast, in the form of a pork-mantew or fiddle-case on tressels! ’E ’ave a leg on each corner of ’im. ’Is ’ead is at one end of ’is body, and ’is tail is at the other end. The tail-end is oppersite the ’ead-end, onless the animil turns round, then the tail-end is on the ’ead-end! And this confuses the milkmaids! The cow is a useful beast. In our declinin’ days, when we expected every moment to be our nex, we ’ave been soothed and solaced by an excellent and newtrishis jelly prepared from ’is horns, ’is oofts, and ’is tail; or to quote the words of the advertisement, ‘it imparts a pearly lustre to the breath, a kinky curliness to the complexion, a floral flaviour to the eye; is a excellent substertute for a stummick-pump, carefully perpared from the reseat of a nobleum in the country, to imertate which is forgery.’

“I cannot quit the Bovis Kimmunis, or Commin Cow, without recalling to your recommemberlection the words of the well-known poet _Cow_per, which he says:

“‘Twinkle, twinkle, pretty cow, I thought I ’eard you say mee-yow! Up above the booth so fly, Crackin’ winkles on the sly!’

“Give the drum a one-er!

“The last speciment I shall ’ave the pleasure of introducting to your notice is the Cocclicus Indicus, or Prickly Pollywog of the Ipecacuanha Mountains, wot lives entirely on bottled bootjacks, currant jelly, turnip-tops, sarsaparilla, tenpenny nails, toasting-forks, corn-plaister, pot-lids, cabbage water, lemon- squeezers, black-beetle poison, cinder-sifters, soapsuds, silver sand, and postage stamps; until, one day, in a fit of tempory aboration of hinterlek, it swaller’d a sausage machine, two reams of emery paper, a box of matches, and fourteen seidlitz powders, and expired of spontaneous combustion and acute inflermation of the waistcoat pocket linings of the coats of ’is stummick. ’E then expired, and is to be seen alive within. Give the drum a one-er!”

CHARLES COLLETTE.

――――

ON FARMING. (Lecture Written by Mark Twain when a Boy.)

Farming is healthy work; but no man can run a farm and wear his best clothes at the same time. Either the farming must cease while the new clothes continues, or the new clothes must cease while farming continues. This shows that farming is not so clean work as being a Congressman or schoolmaster, for these men can wear good clothes if they can find money to pay for them. Farmers get up early in the morning. They say the early bird catches the worm. If I was a bird, I had rather get up late and eat cherries in place of worms. Farmers don’t paint their waggons when they can help it, for they show mud too quick. The colour of their boots is red, and don’t look like other people’s boots, because they are twice as big. Farmers’ wives have a hard time cooking for hired men, and the hired men find fault with the farmers’ wives’ cooking. Why don’t farmers’ wives let the hired men do the cooking while they do the finding fault? Farmers don’t get as rich as bank presidents, but they get more exercise. Some ask――“Why don’t farmers run for Congress?” They run so much keeping boys out of their peach orchards and melon patches they don’t have any time to run after anything else. If Congress should run after farmers, one might be caught now and then. Lawyers can beat farmers at running for most anything. I know a farmer who tried to run a line fence according to his notion. The other man objected and hurt the farmer. The farmer hired a lawyer to run his line fence, and now the lawyer runs the farmer’s farm, and the farmer has stopped running anything.

――――:o:――――

REGULATIONS IN THE UNITED STATES NAVY.

A Buffalo paper prints the following extracts from a manuscript treatise on naval discipline, prepared by the Secretary of the American Navy:――“The custom of sailing before the wind should be avoided, whenever it is possible, as experience has demonstrated that it is much better to wait for the breeze and carry it along, if not too heavy. Commanders of sailing ships-of-war, I have observed, are addicted to the practice of ‘staggering under all they can carry.’ This matter will receive early attention, as the necessity for reform in this direction would seem imperative. When dirty weather is threatened, or when there is reason to suspect breakers ahead, the captain should heave to, or three, but never more than four. In taking on board ammunition, and powder, and shot, and shells and caps, &c., the fore, main, and mizen trucks should be utilised, in connection with the animals belonging to the horse marines. It is deemed best to abolish dog-watches. The practice is believed to encourage idleness among the sailors, and necessitates the keeping on board a number of useless beasts whose presence must be anything but desirable. In the interests of economy, the allowance for captains’ gigs should be withdrawn. It is plain that they are of no real utility on ship-board, and that they are at all times in the way. When on shore the captains can avail themselves of the street railway, or of the facilities afforded by the livery stables. All anchors should be accurately weighed before being taken on board, and the weight plainly marked on each, thereby saving time and trouble when a ship is about to take her departure. All ‘splicing’ should be done by the chaplain, as he is the person upon whom the performance of the ceremony most properly devolves. When sailing in tropical seas, the breeches of the guns should be removed and carefully stowed away, to be replaced when again entering colder latitudes and longitudes. The practice of carrying logs, merely for the purpose of ‘heaving’ them is of questionable propriety, and will form a subject for future enquiry.”

――――

ADMIRALTY REFORMS.

The following appointments have recently been created at the Admiralty, to which salaries of £1000 a-year each are attached;

The Chief Obstructor. The Complicator-General of Naval Accounts. The Scrutineer of Dockyard Expenditure. The Investigator of Expenses of Ships Building. The Calculator of Profits by Ships broken up, or lost. The Professional Criticizer of the Obstructor’s Vessels. The Examiner and Inspector of Contractors and Inventors. The Constructor-in-Chief of Revolving Turrets. The Insinuator and Receiver of Contracts. The Riveter and Contractor-General of Iron Plate. The Admirer and Appraiser of Dockyard Work. The Inventor and Circulator of Expensive Theories. The Detector-General of Fraudulent Contracts. The Director of Ingenious and Inexpensive Works. The Imposter-General of Stores and Store accounts. The Subverter of Official Forms and Precedents.

――――:o:――――

THE LAST ARRIVAL.

There came to port last Sunday night The queerest little craft, Without an inch of rigging on; I looked, and looked, and laughed. It seemed so curious that she Should cross the unknown water, And moor herself within my room―― My daughter, O! my daughter!

Yet, by these presents, witness all, She’s welcome fifty times, And comes consigned to Hope and Love, And common metre rhymes. She has no manifest but this; No flag floats o’er the water; She’s rather new for British Lloyds―― My daughter, O! my daughter!

Ring out, wild bells――and tame ones too; Ring out the lover’s moon; Ring in the little worsted socks; Ring in the bib and spoon. Ring out the muse; ring in the nurse; Ring in the milk and water: Away with paper, pens, and ink―― My daughter, O! my daughter!

GEORGE W. CABLE.

――――

CUMULATIVE PARODIES.

There was a young damsel; oh, bless her, It cost very little to dress her; She was sweet as a rose In her every day clothes, But had no young man to caress her.

* * * * *

There was a young turkey; oh, bless her, It cost very little to dress her; Some dry bread and thyme, About Thanksgiving time, And they ate the last bit from the dresser.

* * * * *

A newspaper poet; oh, dang him! And pelt him, and club him, and bang him! He kept writing away, Till the people one day Rose up and proceeded to hang him.

The Detroit Free Press.

SLANG, CANT, AND FLASH.

As Slang is a species of parody of our mother tongue, and as many songs are written in it, it must be alluded to in this Collection, however briefly.

A few examples will be quoted, followed by a bibliography, including mention also of Dictionaries devoted to Satirical and Political slang.

Thieves slang, or “cant,” is of multifold origin, but is mainly derived from Romany or gipsy talk, with an admixture of Anglo-Saxon, Latin, and French words.

Rhyming and back-slang are two other forms of purely native manufacture, both arbitrary, and artificial in their construction.

By the former any word that rhymes with the one that is intended is substituted for it, and gradually becomes accepted. This method is somewhat complicated, and is, of course, almost unintelligible to the uninitiated, which is precisely why it is adopted by thieves and their associates.

Back-slang is largely patronised by costermongers. It consists in spelling backwards the principal words in a sentence, with more or less accuracy. Thus, “Hi, yob! kool that enif elrig with the nael ekom. Ssap her a top o’ reeb and a tib of occabot,” simply means “Hi boy! look at that fine girl with the lean moke. Pass her a pot of beer and a bit of tobacco.”

Although slang is principally indulged in by the lower orders and criminal classes, it must not be forgotten that many slang words have been adopted and incorporated into our general language, to say nothing of Americanisms, which are also constantly being absorbed. Every profession, too, has its slang, or technical language, which is mainly unintelligible to the outside world. Thus Soldiers, Sailors, Engineers, Doctors, and Lawyers, have their own phraseology, but what is most objectionable is the Clerical slang. This imparts a fine full flavoured tone of hypocrisy to any ordinary conversation by dragging in “D.V.” references to the Deity, and the quotation of scraps of Holy writ in the most unnecessary profusion, and in the most unseemly contrast with trivial statements of every day life.

THE HOUSE BREAKER’S SONG.

I ne’er was a nose[57] for the reg’lars[58] came Whenever a pannie[59] was done:―― Oh! who would chirp[60] to dishonour his name, And betray his pals[61] in a nibsome[62] game To the traps?[63]――Not I for one! Let nobs in the fur trade[64] hold their jaw, And let the jug[65] be free;―― Let Davy’s dust[66] and a well-faked claw[67] For Fancy coves be the only law, And a double tongued squib[68] to keep in awe The chaps that flout at me!

From morn to night we’ll booze a ken[69], And we’ll pass the bingo[70] round; At dusk we’ll make our lucky[71], and then, With our nags so flash, and our merry men, We’ll scour the lonely ground. And if the swells resist our “Stand!” We’ll squib[72] without a joke; For I’m snigger’d if we will be trepanned By the blarneying jaw of a knowing hand, And thus be lagged[73] to a foreign land, Or die by an artichoke[74].

But should the traps be on the sly, For a change we’ll have a crack[75]; The richest cribs[76] shall our wants supply―― Or we’ll knap[77] a fogle[78] with fingers fly[79], When the swell one turns his back. The flimsies we can smash[80] as well, Or a ticker[81] deftly prig;―― But if ever a pal in limbo fell, He’d sooner be scragg’d[82] at once than tell; Though the hum-box patterer[83] talked of hell, And the beak[84] wore his nattiest wig[85]!

From “Pickwick Abroad; or, The Tour in France.” by G. W. M. Reynolds. (Chapter 26.)

――――

NIX MY DOLLY, PALS, FAKE AWAY!

In a box of the stone Jug I was born, Of a hempen widow the kid forlorn,―― Fake away! My noble father, as I’ve heard say, Was a famous merchant of capers gay; Nix my dolly, pals,――fake away! Nix my dolly, &c.

The knucks in quod did my shoolmen play, And put me up to the time of day;―― Fake away! No dummy-hunter had forks so fly, No knuckler so deftly could take a cly; Nix my dolly, &c.

But my nuttiest lady, one fine day, To the beaks did her gentleman betray,―― Fake away! Thus was I bowl’d out at last, And into the Jug for a lag was cast; Nix my dolly, &c.

But I slipp’d my darbies one morn in May, And gave to the dubsman a holiday,―― Fake away! And here I am, pals, merry and free, A regular rollicking Romany; Nix my dolly, &c.

W. HARRISON AINSWORTH.

――――

“DEAR BILL, THIS STONE-JUG.”

(Being an Epistle from TOBY CRACKSMAN, in Newgate, to BILL SYKES.)

Dear Bill, this stone-jug,[86] at which flats dare to rail, (From which till the next Central sittings I hail) Is still the same snug, free-and-easy old hole, Where MACHEATH met his blowens,[87] and WYLDE floor’d his bowl. In a ward with one’s pals,[88] not locked up in a cell, To an old hand like me it’s a fam-ly[89]-hotel.

In the day-rooms the cuffins[90] we queer at our ease, And at Darkman’s[91] we run the rig just as we please; There’s your peck[92] and your lush, hot and reg’lar, each day. All the same if you work, all the same if you play. But the lark’s when a goney[93] up with us they shut, As ain’t up to our lurks,[94] our flash-patter,[95] and smut;

But soon in his eye nothing green would remain, He knows what’s o’clock when he comes out again. And the next time he’s quodded[96] so downy and snug, He may thank us for making him fly to the jug.[97] But here comes a cuffin――which cuts short my tale, It’s agin rules is screevin’[98] to pals out o’ gaol.

(_The following postscript seems to have been added when the Warder had passed._)

For them coves in Guildhall and that blessed LORD MAYOR, Prigs on their four bones should chop whiners,[99] I swear: That long over Newgit their Worships may rule, As the High-toby, mob, crack and screeve[100] model school; For if Guv’ment was here, not the Alderman’s Bench, Newgit soon ’ud be bad as “the Pent” or “the Tench.”[101]

Note.――We subjoin a Glossary of MR. CRACKSMAN’S lingo:―― [Transcriber's Note: See footnotes [86]-[101].]

Punch. January 31, 1857.

――――

THE CHICK-A-LEARY COVE.

I’m a “Chickaleary bloke”[102] with my one, two, three, Whitechapel was the village, I was born in, For to get me on the hop, or on my “tibby”[103] drop, You must wake up very early in the morning. I have a “rorty”[104] gal, also a knowing pal, And merrily together we jog on, I doesn’t care a “flatch”[105] as long as I’ve a “tach,”[106] Some “pan-num”[107] for my chest, and a “tog”[108] on.

I’m a Chickaleary bloke with my one, two, three, Whitechapel is the village I was born in, For to get me on the hop, or on my “tibby” drop, You must wake up very early in the morning.

Now “kool”[109] my downy “kicksies”[110] the style for me, Built upon a plan werry naughty, The stock around my “squeeze”[111] a “guiver”[112] colour see, And the “vestat”[113] with the “bins”[114] so “rorty.” My tailor serves you well, from a “perger”[115] to a swell, At Groves’ you’re safe to make a sure pitch,[116] For ready “yenom”[117] down, there aint a shop in town Can “lick” Groves’ in the “Cut” as well as Shoreditch.

I’m a Chickaleary bloke, &c.

Off to Paris I shall go, to show a thing or two, To the “dipping blokes”[118] what hangs about the caffes, How to do a “cross-fan”[119] for a “super”[120] or a slang,[121] And to “bustle”[122] them “grand’armes”[123] I’d give the office. Now my pals I’m going to slope, see you soon again, I hope, My young woman is avaiting, so be quick, Now join in a “chyike”[124] the “jolly”[125] we all like; I’m off with a party to the “Vic.”

I’m a Chickaleary bloke, &c.

――――

THE THIEVES’ CHAUNT.

There is a nook in the boozing ken,[126] Where many a mud I fog,[127] And the smoke curls gently, while cousin Ben Keeps filling the pots again and again, If the coves have stump’d their hog.[128]

The liquors around are diamond bright, And the diddle[129] is best of all; But I never in liquors took delight, For liquors I think is all a bite,[130] So for heavy wet I call.

The heavy wet in a pewter quart, As brown as a badger’s hue, More than Bristol milk[131] or gin, Brandy or rum, I tipple in, With my darling blowen[132] Sue.

Oh! grunting peck[133] in its eating Is a richly soft and a savoury thing; A Norfolk capon[134] is jolly grub When you wash it down with strength of bub[135] But dearer to me Sue’s kisses far, Than grunting peck or other grub are, And I never funks the lambskin men,[136] When I sits with her in the boozing ken.

Her duds[137] are bob[138]――she’s a kinchin crack[139] And I hopes as how she’ll never back;[140] For she never lushes dog’s soup or lap,[141] But she loves my cousin the bluffer’s[142] tap. She’s wide awake, and her prating cheat[143] For humming a cove was never beat; But because she lately nimm’d[144] some tin, They have sent her to lodge at the King’s Head Inn.[145]

From The Individual. November 15, 1836. Cambridge. W. H. Smith.

――――

Generalizations have been made from which it appears that certain localities have peculiar productive qualities in the manufacture of criminals, thus London for sharpers, Brummagem for thieves, Paris for fly men (window thieves) Sheffield for pilchers of snyde (coiners and utterers.)

As to the ultimate destinations of these gentlemen one of themselves has put the various establishments in verse, thus recounting their merits:――

“Dartmoor is a tidy place, Chatham is the terror of our race, Portland is not quite so bad, Broadmoor is for those stark mad, Pentonville is the hill of London, Borstal if you’re there you’re undone, Portsmouth is a noted shop, Brixton is a regular cop.”

Another equally good authority thus describes them:――

“Millbank for thick shins and graft at the pump, Broadmoor for all laggs as go off their chump, Brixton for good toke and cocoa with fat, Dartmoor for bad grub but plenty of chat, Portsmouth a blooming bad place for hard work. Chatham on Sunday gives four ounces of pork, Portland is the worst of the lot for to joke in, For fetching a lagging there is no place like Woking.”

――――

“Joe quickly his sand had sold, sir, And Bess got a basket of rags; Then up to St. Giles’s they rolled sir; To every bunter Bess brags, Then unto the gin shop they pike it,[146] And Bess was admitted we hear; For none of the crew dare but like it, As Joey, her kiddy was there.”

* * * * *

The Sandman’s Wedding, a Cantata.

――――

THE BEGGAR’S CURSE. (By Thomas Decker, 1609.)

The Ruffin cly[147] the Nab of the Harmanbeck,[148] If we maund Pannam,[149] Lap, or Ruff-Peck, Of Poplars of Yarum,[150] he cuts bing to the Ruffmans, Or else he with cruelty swears by the Lightmans,[151] He’ll seize us, and put our stamps fast in the Harmans,[152] The Ruffin cly the Ghost of the Harmanbeck If we heave a Booth[153] we straight cly the Jerk[154] If we niggle or mill but a poor Boozing-Ken,[155] Or nip a poor Bung[156] with one single Win, Or dup but the Gigger[157] of a Country-cove’s Ken, Straight we’re to the Cuffin Queer[158] forced to bing; And ’cause we are poor made to scour the Cramp-ring,[159] From thence at the Chats we trine in the Lightmans,[160] Plague take the Harmanbeck: Ruffin the Harmans.

――――

CLEAR OUT――LOOK SHARP!

Song commonly sung by tramps and thieves at a general Rendezvous before they divide into parties, to stroll about the country.

Bing[161] out, bien[162] Morts,[163] and toure[164] and toure, Bing out, bien Morts, and toure; For all your Duds[165] are bing’d awast[166] The bien Cove[167] hath the loure[168].

I met a Dell,[169] I viewed her well, She was benship[170] to my watch; So she and I did stall[171] and cloy,[172] Whatever we could catch.

This Doxie Dell can cut bien whids,[173] And drill well for a win;[174] And prig and cloy so benshiply, All the Deusea-Vile[175] within.

The Booth being raised,[176] we stept aside, Thro’ mire, and frost and snow; When they did seek then did we creep, And plant in Ruffman’s Row.[177]

To strowling ken[178] the mort bings then, To fetch loure for her cheats; Duds and ruffpeck,[179] maugre Harmanbeck,[180] We won by Maunder’s feats.

You maunders all, stow what you stall,[181] To Rum Coves what so quire;[182] And Bucksom Dell, that snilches well,[183] And takes loure for her hire.

A Jybe well jerked, tick Rome-confeck,[184] For back by Glimmer to maund,[185] To mill each ken,[186] let Cove bing then,[187] Thro’ Ruffmans, Jague or Laund[188].

Till Cramprings quire, tip Cove his Hire,[189] And Quire-ken[190] do them catch; Old Ruffler Mill[191] the Quire-cuffin,[192] So quire to bien Cove’s watch.

Booze, Mort, and Ken, been Darkman’s then.[193] The poor Cove’s bing’d awast; On Chats to trine,[194] by Rum-Coves Dine,[195] For his long Lib at last.[196]

Bing out bien morts, and toure and toure, Bing out of the Romevile fine;[197] Now toure the cove that cly’d your duds, Upon the chats to trine.

As this song is so old some of the expressions are obsolete, and their explanations are somewhat conjectural. The first verse translated reads as follows:――

Go out, good girls, and look and see, Go out, good girls, and see; For all your clothes are carried away, And the good man has the money.

This was first printed in “The English Rogue: Described in the Life of Meriton Latroon, a Witty Extravagant. Being a Compleat History of the most Eminent Cheats of both sexes. London, Printed for Henry Marsh, at the Princes Arms in Chancery Lane, 1665.”

This curious work was reprinted by Chatto and Windus in 1874.

――――

FRISKY MOLL’S SONG.

From Priggs that snabble the Prancers strong,[198] To you of the Peter Lay,[199] I pray now listen awhile to my song, How my Bowman[200] he kick’d away.

He broke through all the Rubbs[201] in the whit, And chiv’d his Darbies[202] in twain; But filing of a Rumbo-Ken, My Bowman is snabbled again.

I, Frisky Moll, with my Rum Cull,[203] Would suck in a Boozing Ken; But e’er for the Scran[204] he had tipt the Cole, The Harman he came in.

A Famble, a Tattle, and two Pops,[205] Had my Bowman when he was ta’en; But had we not booz’d in the Diddle shops,[206] He’d still been in Drury Lane.

From “Harlequin Sheppard.” Acted at Drury Lane Theatre, 1724.

――――

THE CANTER’S SERENADE.

(Sung early in the morning, at the Barn doors where their Doxies have reposed during the night.)

Ye Morts and ye Dells[207] Come out of your Cells, And charm all the Palliards[208] about ye; Here birds of all feathers, Through deep roads and all weathers, Are gathered together to toute[209] ye.

With faces of Wallnut, And Bladder and Smallgut, We’re come scraping and singing to rouse ye; Rise, shake off your straw, And prepare you each maw To kiss, eat, and drink till you’re bouzy.

――――

ODE TO THE KING OF THE MENDICANTS.

Cast your nabs[210] and cares away, This is Maunders holiday:[211] In the world look out and see, Where so blest a King as he!

At the crowning of our King, Thus we ever dance and sing; Where’s the nation lives so free, And so merrily as we?

Be it peace, or be it war, Here at liberty we are: Hang all Harmenbecks[212] we cry, We the Cuffin Queres[213] defy.

We enjoy our ease and rest, To the fields we are not pressed And when taxes are increased We are not a penny ’sessed.

Nor will any go to law, With a Maunder for a straw, All which happiness, he brags, Is only owing to his rags.

From The History of Bampfylde-Moore Carew, King of the Mendicants. London, 1749.

――――

OATH OF THE CANTING CREW.

I, Crank-Cuffin, swear to be True to this fraternity; That I will in all obey Rule and order of the lay. Never blow the gab, or squeak; Never snitch to bum or beak; But religiously maintain Authority of those who reign Over Stop Hole Abbey Green, Be their tawny king, or queen. In their cause alone will fight; Think what they think, wrong or right; Serve them truly, and no other, And be faithful to my brother; Suffer none, from far or near, With their rights to interfere; No strange Abram, ruffler crack, Hooker of another pack, Rogue or rascal, frater, maunderer,[214] Irish toyle, or other wanderer; No dimber damber,[215] angler, dancer, Prig of cackler,[216] prig of prancer;[217] No swigman, swaddler, clapper-dudgeon; Cadge-gloak,[218] curtal, or curmudgeon; No whip-jack, palliard, patrico; No jarkman, be he high or low; No dummerar, or romany; No member of “the Family;” No ballad-basket, bouncing buffer, Nor any other, will I suffer; But stall-off[219] now and for ever, All outliers whatsoever; And as I keep to the fore-gone, So may help me Salamon!

From The Life of Bampfylde-Moore Carew.

――――

THE LIFE AND DEATH OF THE DARKMAN’S BUDGE,[220].

The Budge it is a delicate trade, And a delicate trade of fame, For when that we have bit the blow, We carry away the game. But if the cully naps us, And the lurries from us takes; O, then he rubbs us to the whit,[221] Tho’ we’re hardly worth two makes.[222]

And when that we come to the whit, Our darbies to behold; We’re forced to do penance there, And booze the water cold. But when we come out again, And the merry cull we meet, We’ll surely file him of his cole,[223] As he pikes along the street.

And when that we have filed him, Tho’t be but half a job; Then ev’ry man to the boozing ken, To fence his merry hog;[224] But if the cully naps us, For want of care or wit, Tho’ he cannot take away our cole, He rubbs us to the whit.

And when we come unto the whit, For garnish[225] they do cry; We promise our lusty comrogues They shall have it by and bye; Then ev’ry man, with his Mort[226] in his hand, Is forc’d to kiss and part; And after, is divorced away, To the nubbing-cheat[227] in a cart.

And we come to the Nubbing-cheat, For running on the budge; There stands Jack Ketch, that sneaking wretch, Who owes us all a grudge: For when that he hath nubbed us, And our friends tip him no cole, He takes his chive,[228] and cuts us down, And tips us into the hole.

But if we have a friend stand by, Six and eightpence for to pay, Then they may have our bodies back, And carry us quite away: For at St. Giles’s or St. Martin’s, A burying place is still; And there’s an end of a Darkman’s Budge, And the whoreson hath his will.

――――

THE GAME OF HIGH TOBY.

Now Oliver[229] puts his black nightcap on, And every star its glim[230] is hiding, And forth to the heath is the scampsman[231] gone, His matchless cherry-black[232] prancer riding; Merrily over the common he flies, Fast and free as the rush of rocket, His crape-covered vizard drawn over his eyes, His tol[233] by his side, and his pops[234] in his pocket.

Chorus. Then who can name So merry a game, As the game of all games――high toby?[235]

The traveller hears him, away! away! Over the wide wide heath he scurries; He heeds not the thunderbolt summons to stay, But ever the faster and faster he hurries. But what daisy-cutter can match that black tit? He is caught――he must “stand and deliver;” Then out with the dummy,[236] and off with the bit,[237] Oh! the game of high toby for ever!

Chorus. Then who can name So merry a game, As the game of all games――high toby?

Believe me, there is not a game, my brave boys, To compare with the game of high toby; No rapture can equal the tobyman’s joys, To blue devils, blue plumbs[238] give the go by; And what if, at length, boys, he come to the crap![239] Even rack punch has some bitter in it, For the mare-with-three-legs,[240] boys, I care not a rap, ’Twill be over in less than a minute!

Grand Chorus. Then hip, hurrah! Fling care away! Hurrah for the game of high toby.

From Rookwood, by W. Harrison Ainsworth. London.

――――

THE DOUBLE CROSS.

Though all of us have heard of crost fights, And certain gains, by certain lost fights; I rather fancies that it’s news, How in a mill, both men should lose; For vere the odds are thus made even, It plays the dickens with the steven;[241] Besides, against all rule they’re sinning, Vere neither has no chance of vinning. Ri, tol, lol, &c.

Two milling coves, each vide avake, Vere backed to fight for heavy stake; But in the mean time, so it vos, Both kids agreed to play a cross; Bold came each buffer[242] to the scratch, To make it look a tightish match; They peeled[243] in style, and bets were making, ’Tvos six to four, but few were taking. Ri, tol, lol, &c.

Quite cautiously the mill began, For neither knew the other’s plan; Each cull[244] completely in the dark, Of vot might be his neighbour’s mark; Resolved his fibbing[245] not to mind, Nor yet to pay him back in kind; So on each other kept they tout,[246] And sparred a bit, and dodged about. Ri, tol, lol, &c.

Vith mawleys[247] raised, Tom bent his back, As if to plant a heavy thwack; Vile Jem, with neat left-handed stopper, Straight threatened Tommy with a topper; ’Tis all my eye! no claret flows, No facers sound――no smashing blows, Five minutes pass, yet not a hit, How can it end, pals?――vait a bit. Ri, tol, lol, &c.

Each cove vos teazed with double duty, To please his backers, yet play booty,[248] Ven, luckily for Jem, a teller Vos planted right upon his smeller; Down dropped he, stunned; ven time was called, Seconds in vain the seconds bawled; The mill is o’er, the crosser crost, The loser’s won, the vinner’s lost! Ri, tol, lol, &c.

From Rookwood, by W. Harrison Ainsworth, London.

――――

A FLASH ANECDOTE.

I buzzed a bloak and a shakester of a reader and a skin. My jomer stalled. A cross cove, who had his regulars, called out “cop bung,” so as a pig was marking, I speeled to the crib, where I found Jim had been pulling down sawney for grub. He cracked a case last night and fenced the swag. He told me as Bill had flimped a yack and pinched a swell of a fawney, he sent the yack to church and got three finnups and a cooter for the fawney.

TRANSLATION.

I picked the pockets of a gentleman and lady of a pocket book and a purse. My fancy girl screened me from observation. A fellow thief, who shared my plunder, called out to me to hand over the stolen property, so as someone was observing my actions, I ran off to the house, where Jim had some bacon he had stolen from a shop door. He broke into a house last night, and had sold the stolen property. He told me that Bill had hustled a man and stolen his watch, and had also robbed a gentleman of a ring. He had sent the watch to have its works removed, and had got three five pound notes and a sovereign for the ring.

From Poverty, Mendicity and Crime, 1839.

――――

THE LEARY MAN.

Of ups and downs I’ve felt the shocks Since days of bats and shuttlecocks, And alicumpaine and Albert-rocks, When I the world began; And for these games I often sigh Both marmoney and spanish-fly, And flying kites too, in the sky, For which I’ve often ran.

But by what I’ve seen, and where I’ve been, I’ve always found it so. That if you wish to learn to live, Too much you cannot know. For you must now be wide-awake, If a living you would make, So I’ll advise what course to take To be a Leary Man.

Go first to costermongery To every fakement get a-fly And pick up all their slangery, But let this be your plan; Put up with no Kieboshery But look well after poshery, And cut teetotal sloshery. And get drunk when you can.

And when you go to spree about, Let it always be your pride To have a white tile on your nob, And bulldog by your side. Your fogle you must flashly tie Each word must patter flashery, And hit cove’s head to smashery, To be a Leary Man.

To Covent Garden or Billingsgate You of a morn must not be late, But your donkey drive at a slashing rate, And first be if you can. From short pipe you must your bacca blow, And if your donkey will not go, To lick him you must not be slow, But well his hide must tan.

The fakement conn’d by knowing rooks Must be well known to you, And if you come to fibbery, You must mug one or two. Then go to St. Giles’s rookery, And live up some strange nookery, Of no use domestic cookery, To be a Leary Man.

Then go to pigeon fancery And know each breed by quiz of eye, Bald-heads from skin ’ems by their fly, Go wrong you never can. All fighting coves too you must know, Ben Caunt as well as Bendigo, And to each mill be sure to go, And be one of the van.

Things that are found before they’re lost, Be always first to find. Restore dogs for a pound or two You’ll do a thing that’s kind. And you must sport a blue billy, Or a yellow wipe tied loosily Round your scrag for bloaks to see That you’re a Leary Man.

At knock’emsdown and tiddlywink, To be a sharp you must not shrink, But be a brick and sport your chink To win must be your plan. And set-toos and cock-fighting Are things you must take delight in, And always try to be right in, And every kidment scan.

And bullying and chaffing too, To you should be well known, Your nob be used to bruisery, And hard as any stone. Put the kiebosh on the dibbery, Know a Joey from a tibbery, And now and then have a black eye, To be a Leary Man.

To fairs and races go must you, And get in rows and fights a few, And stopping out all night its’ true, Must often be your plan. And as through the world you budgery, Get well awake to fudgery, And rub off every grudgery, And do the best you can.

But mummery and slummery You must keep in your mind, For every day, mind what I say, Fresh fakements you will find. But stick to this while you can crawl, To stand ’till you’re obliged to fall, And when you’re wide awake to all You’ll be a Leary Man.

From The Vulgar Tongue, by Ducange Anglicus. London, Bernard Quaritch, 1857.

――――

THE SONG OF THE YOUNG PRIG.

My Mother she dwelt in Dyot’s Isle,[249] One of the Canting Crew,[250] sirs; And if you’d know my father’s style, He was the Lord Knows-who, sirs! I first held horses in the street, But being found defaulter, Turned rumbler’s flunky[251] for my meat, So was brought up to the halter.

Frisk the cly[252], and fork the rag[253], Draw the fogles plummy[254], Speak to the tattler[255], bag the swag[256], And finely hunt the dummy[257].

My name they say is Young Birdlime, My fingers are fish-hooks sirs; And I my reading learnt-betime, From studying pocket-books[258], sirs. I have a sweet eye for a plant[259], And graceful as I amble, Finedraw a coat-tail sure I can’t, So kiddy is my famble[260].

Chorus. Frisk the cly, etc.,

A night bird,[261] oft I’m in the cage[262], But my rum chants ne’er fail, sirs, The dubsman’s[263] senses to engage, While I tip him leg-bail[264], sirs. There’s not, for picking, to be had, A lad so light and larky[265], The cleanest angler on the pad[266], In daylight or the darkey[267].

Chorus. Frisk the cly, etc.,

And though I don’t work capital[268], And do not weigh my weight[269], sirs, Who knows but that in time I shall, For there’s no queering fate, sirs. If I’m not lagged to Virgin-nee[270], I may a Tyburn show be[271], Perhaps a tip-top cracksman[272] be Or go on the high toby[273].

Chorus. Frisk the cly, etc.,

From The Life and Times of James Catnach, by Charles Hindley. London, Reeves and Turner. 1878.

――――

THE DEATH OF SOCRATES. By the Rev. Robt. Burrowes, Dean of St. Finbar’s Cathedral, Cork.

The night before Larry was stretch’d, The boys they all paid him a visit; A bit in their sacks, too, they fetch’d―― They sweated their duds[274] till they riz it; For Larry was always the lad, When a friend was condemn’d to the squeezer[275], But he’d pawn all the togs that he had, Just to help the poor boy to a sneezer[276], And moisten his gob ’fore he died.

“’Pon my conscience, dear Larry,” says I, “I’m sorry to see you in trouble, And your life’s cheerful noggin run dry, And yourself going off like its bubble!” “Hould your tongue in that matter,” says he; “For the neckcloth I don’t care a button, And by this time to-morrow you’ll see Your Larry will be dead as mutton: All for what? ’kase his courage was good!”

The boys they came crowding in fast; They drew their stools close round about him, Six glims[277] round his coffin they placed―― He couldn’t be well waked without ’em. I ax’d if he was fit to die, Without having duly repented? Says Larry, “That’s all in my eye, And all by the clargy invented, To make a fat bit for themselves.”

Then the cards being call’d for, they play’d, Till Larry found one of them cheated; Quick he made a hard rap at his head―― The lad being easily heated, “So ye chates me bekase I’m in grief! O! is that, by the Holy, the rason? Soon I’ll give you to know, you d――d thief! That you’re cracking your jokes out of sason, And scuttle your nob[278] with my fist.”

Then in came the priest with his book, He spoke him so smooth and so civil; Larry tipp’d him a Kilmainham look, And pitch’d his big wig to the divil. Then raising a little his head, To get a sweet drop of the bottle, And pitiful sighing he said, “O! the hemp will be soon round my throttle[279], And choke my poor windpipe to death!”

So mournful these last words he spoke, We all vented our tears in a shower; For my part, I thought my heart broke To see him cut down like a flower! On his travels we watch’d him next day, O, the hangman I thought I could kill him! Not one word did our poor Larry say, Nor changed till he came to “King William:” Och, my dear! then his colour turn’d white.

When he came to the nubbing cheat, He was tuck’d up so neat and so pretty; The rumbler jugg’d off from his feet, And he died with his face to the city. He kick’d too, but that was all pride, For soon you might see ’twas all over; And as soon as the noose was untied, Then at darkey we waked him in clover, And sent him to take a ground-sweat.

A French translation of this poem was written by the Rev. Francis Mahony, see “The Works of Father Prout.” London, George Routledge & Sons, 1881.

――――

’ARRY AT A POLITICAL PIC-NIC.

DEAR CHARLIE,

’Ow are yer, my ribstone? Seems scrumptious to write the old name. I ’ave quite lost the run of you lately. Bin playing some dark little game? I’m keeping mine hup as per usual, fust in the pick of the fun, For wherever there’s larks on the tappy[280] there’s ’Arry as sure as a gun.

The latest new lay’s Demonstrations. You’ve heard on ’em, Charlie, no doubt, For they’re at ’em all over the shop. I’ave ’ad a rare bustle about. All my Saturday arfs are devoted to Politics. Fancy, old chump, Me doing the sawdusty reglar,[281] and follering swells on the stump!

But, bless yer, my bloater, it isn’t all chin-music[282] votes, and “’Ear! ’ear!” Or they wouldn’t catch me on the ready, or nail me for ninepence. No fear! Percessions I’ve got a bit tired of, hoof-padding,[283] and scrouging’s dry rot, But Political Picnics mean sugar to them as is fly to wot’s wot.

Went to one on ’em yesterday, Charlie; a reglar old up and down lark. The Pallis free gratis, mixed up with a old country fair in a park, And Rosherville Gardens chucked in, with a dash of the Bean Feast will do, To give you some little idear of our day with Sir Jinks Bottleblue.

Make much of us, Charlie? Lor bless you, we might ha’ bin blooming Chinese A-doing the rounds at the ’Ealthries. ’Twas regular go as you please. Lawn-tennis, quoits, cricket, and dancing for them as must be on the shove, But I preferred pecking[284] and prowling, and spotting the mugs making love.

Don’t ketch me a-slinging my legs about arter a beast of a ball At ninety degrees in the shade or so, Charlie, old chap, not at all. Athletics ’aint ’ardly my form, and a cutaway coat and tight bags Are the species of togs for yours truly, and lick your loose “flannels” to rags.

So I let them as liked do a swelter; I sorntered about on the snap. Rum game this yer Politics, Charlie, seems arf talkee-talkee and trap. Jest fancy old Bluebottle letting “the multitood” pic-nic and lark, And make Battersea Park of his pleasure-grounds, Bathelmy Fair of his park!

“To show his true love for the People!” sez one vote-of-thanking tall-talker, And wosn’t it rude of a bloke as wos munching a bun to cry “Walker!”? I’m Tory right down to my boots, at a price, and I bellered “’Ear, ’ear!” But they don’t cop yours truly with chaff none the more, my dear Charlie, no fear!

Old Bottleblue tipped me his flipper, and ’oped I’d “refreshed,” and all that. “Wy rather,” sez I, “wot do you think?” at which he stared nto his ’at, And went a bit red in the gills. Must ha’ thought me a muggins, old man, To ask sech a question of ’Arry――as though grubbing short was his plan.

I went the rounds proper, I tell yer; ’twas like the free run of a Bar, And Politics wants lots o’ wetting. Don’t ketch me perched up on a car, Or ’olding a flag-pole no more. No, percessions, dear boy, ain’t my fad, But Political Pic-nics with fireworks, and plenty of swiz ain’t ’arf bad.

The palaver was sawdust and treacle. Old Bottleblue buzzed for a bit, And a sniffy young Wiscount in barnacles landed wot ’e thought a ’it; Said old Gladstone wos like Simpson’s weapon, a bit of a hass and all jor, When a noisy young Rad in a wideawake wanted to give him wot for!

“Yah! boo! Turn ’im hout!” sings yours truly, a-thinkin’ the fun was at ’and, But, bless yer! ’twas only a sputter. I can’t say the meeting looked grand. Five thousand they reckoned us, Charlie, but if so I guess the odd three Were a-spooning about in the halleys, or lappin’ up buns and Bohea.

The band and the ’opping wos prime though, and ’Arry in course wos all there. I ’ad several turns with a snappy young party with stror coloured ’air. Her name she hinformed me wos Polly, and wen, in my ’appiest style, I sez, “Polly is nicer than Politics!” didn’t she colour and smile?

We got back jest in time for the Fireworks, a proper flare-up, and no kid, Which finished that day’s Demonstration, an’ must ’ave cost many a quid.[285] Wot fireworks and park-feeds do Demonstrate, Charlie, I’m blest if I see, And I’m blowed if I care a brass button, so long as I get a cheap spree.

The patter’s all bow-wow, of course, but it goes with the buns and the beer. If it pleases the Big-wigs to spout, wy it don’t cost hus nothink to cheer. Though they ain’t got the ’ang of it, Charlie, the toffs ain’t,――no go and no spice! Wy, I’d back Barney Crump at our Sing-song to lick ’em two times out o’ twice!

Still I’m all for the Lords and their lot, Charlie. Rads are my ’orror, you know. Change R into C and you’ve got ’em, and ’Arry ’ates anythink low. So if Demonstrations means skylarks, and lotion as much as you’ll carry, These “busts of spontanyous opinion” may reckon all round upon ’Arry.

Punch. October 11, 1884.

――――

LIFE IN GAOL.

Till seven we walk around the yard, There is a man all you to guard, If you put your hand out so, Untoe the guv’nor you must go; Eight o’clock is our breakfast hour, Those wittles they do soon devour; Oh! dear me, how they eat and stuff, Lave off with less than half enough. Nine o’clock you mount the mill, That you mayn’t cramp from settin’ still, If that be ever so against your will, You must mount on the traädin’ mill. There is a turnkey that you’ll find, He is a raskill most unkind. To rob poor prisoners he is that man, To chaäte poor prisoners where he can, At eleven o’clock we march upstairs To hear the parson read the prayers. Then we are locked into a pen―― It’s almost like a lion’s den. There’s iron bars big round as your thigh To make you of a prison shy. At twelve o’clock the turnkey come; The locks and bolts sound like a drum, If you be ever so full of game, The traädin’ mill it will you tame. At one you mount the mill again, That is labour all in vain. If that be ever so wrong or right, You must traäde till six at night. Thursdays we have a jubal fraä Wi’ bread and cheese for all the day. I’ll tell you raälly, without consate, For a hungry pig ’tis a charmin’ bait. At six you’re locked into your cell, There until the mornin’ dwell; There is a bed o’ straw all to lay on, There’s Hobson’s choice, there’s that or none.

From The Chequers, by James Runciman.

――――

THE TWENTY CRAFTSMEN.

Described by the notorious thief-taker Jonathan Wild.

Good people, give ear, whilst a story I tell, Of twenty black tradesmen who were brought up in hell, On purpose poor people to rob of their due; There’s none shall be nooz’d, if you find but one true. The first was a Coiner, that stampt in a mould; The second a Voucher to put off his gold. _Tour you well; hark you well[286], see where they’re rubb’d, Up to the nubbing cheat[287], where they are nubb’d._

The third was a Padder[288], that fell to decay, Who used for to plunder upon the Highway; The fourth was a Mill-Ken[289], to crack up a door, He’d venture to rob both the rich and the poor, The fifth was a Glazier[290], who when he creeps in, To pinch all the lurry[291] he thinks it no sin, Tour you well, etc.,

The sixth is a File-cly[292], that not one cully[293] spares, The seventh a Budge[294] to track softly up stairs; The eighth is a Bulk[295], that can bulk any hick[296], If the master be nabbed, then the Bulk he is sick, The ninth is an Angler[297], to lift up a grate, If he sees but the lurry his hooks he will bait. Tour you well, etc.

The tenth is a Shoplift, that carries a Bob, When he ranges the city, the shops for to rob. The eleventh a Bubber[298], much used of late; Who goes to the ale house, and steals all their plate. The twelfth is a Beautrap[299], if a Cull[300] he does meet, He nips all his Cole[301], and turns him into the street. Tour you well, etc.

The thirteenth a Famble, false rings for to sell, When a Mob[302] he has bit his Cole he will tell; The fourteenth a Gamester, if he sees the Cull sweet[303], He presently drops down a Cog[304] in the street; The fifteenth, a Prancer, whose courage is small, If they catch him Horse-coursing he’s noozed once for all. Tour you well, etc.

The sixteenth, a Sheep-napper, whose trade is so deep, If he’s caught in the corn he’s marked for a sheep[305]; The seventeenth a Dunaker[306], that stoutly makes vows, To go in the country and steal all the cows; The eighteenth a Kid-napper[307], who spirits young men, Tho’ he tips them the pike, they oft nap him again. Tour you well, etc.

The nineteenth’s a Priggar of Cacklers[308], who harms, The poor Country Higlers, and plunders the Farms; He steals all their poultry and thinks it no sin, When into the Henroost, in the night, he gets in, The twentieth’s a Thief-catcher, so we him call, Who if he be nabb’d will be made pay for all. Tour you well, etc.

There’s many more Craftsmen[309] whom here I could name, Who use such like Trades, abandon’d of shame; To the number of more than threescore on the whole, Who endanger their body, and hazard their soul; And yet, tho’ good workmen, are seldom made free, Till they ride in a cart, and be noozed on a tree. _Tour you well, hark you well, see where they’re rubb’d, Up to the nubbing-cheat, where they are nubb’d._

This is taken from A Pedlar’s Pack of Ballads and Songs collected by W. H. Logan, (Edinburgh: William Paterson, 1869) which work contains some dozen cant songs, of which the best have been quoted. The others are so “Flash” in language that they could only be clearly interpreted by a regular Patter Cove.

――――

RETOURE MY DEAR DELL.

Each Darkmans[310] I pass in an old shady grove, And live not the Lightmans[311], I toute[312] not my love, I surtoute every walk, which we used to pass, And couch me down weeping and kiss the cold grass: I cry out on my Mort[313] to pity my pain, And all our vagaries remember again.

Didst thou know, my dear Doxy, but half of the smart Which has seized on my panter since thou didst depart; Didst thou hear but my sighs, my complaining and groans, Thou’dst surely retoure[314] and pity my moans; Thou’dst give me new pleasure for all my past pain, And I should rejoice in thy glaziers[315] again.

But, alas! ’tis my fear that the false Patri-coe[316] Is reaping those transports are only my due: Retoure my dear Doxy, oh, once more retoure, And I’ll do all to please thee that lies in my pow’r; Then be kind, my dear Dell, and pity my pain, And let me once more toute thy glaziers again.

On Redshanks and Tibs[317] thou shalt every day dine, And if it should e’er be my hard fate to trine[318] I never will whiddle, I never will squeek[319], Nor to save my Colquarron[320] endanger thy neck. Then once more, my Doxy, be kind and retoure, And thou shalt want nothing that lies in my pow’r.

The vein of sentiment that pervades this lament is almost too fine to be genuine in such a production.

――――

THE PICKPOCKETS’ CHAUNT.

Translated from an “Argot” Song of Maitre Vidocq, by Dr. William Maginn.

As from ken to ken I was going, Doing a bit on the prigging lay[321], Who should I meet but a jolly blowen[322], Tol lol, lol lol, tol dirol lay; Who should I meet but a jolly blowen,

Who was fly to the time of day. Who should I meet but a jolly blowen, Who was fly to the time of day. I pattered in flash[323], like a covey knowing, Tol lol, &c. “Ay, bub or grubby[324], I say?”

I pattered in flash like a covey knowing, “Ay, bub or grubby, I say?” “Lots of gatter”[325] says she, is flowing, Tol lol, &c. Lend me a lift in the family way[326].

Lots of gatter, says she, is flowing, Lend me a lift in the family way. You may have a crib[327] to stow in, Tol lol, &c. Welcome, my pal, as the flowers in May.

You may have a crib to stow in, Welcome, my pal, as the flowers in May. To her ken at once I go in, Tol lol, &c. Where in a corner out of the way,

To her ken at once I go in, Where in a corner out of the way, With his smeller[328] a trumpet blowing, Tol lol, &c. A regular swell cove lushy lay,

With his smeller a trumpet blowing, A regular swell cove lushy lay, To his dies[329] my hooks[330] I throw in, Tol lol, &c. And collar his dragons[331] clear away.

To his dies my hooks I throw in, And collar his dragons clear away. Then his ticker I set a going, Tol lol, &c. And his onions,[332] chain and key,

Then his ticker I set a going, With his onions, chain and key; Next slipt off his bottom clo’ing, Tol lol, &c. And his ginger head topper gay.

Next slipt off his bottom clo’ing, And his ginger head topper gay. Then his other toggery stowing, Tol lol, &c. All with the swag I sneak away,

Then his other-toggery stowing, All with the swag I sneak away. Tramp it, tramp it, my jolly blowen, Tol lol, &c. Or be grabbed by the beaks we may,

Tramp it, tramp it, my jolly blowen, Or be grabbed by the beaks we may. And we shall caper a-heel and toeing, Tol lol, &c. A Newgate hornpipe some fine day.

And we shall caper a-heel and toeing, A Newgate hornpipe some fine day, With the mots their ogles throwing, Tol lol, &c. And Old Cotton[333] humming his pray[334],

With the mots their ogles throwing, And Old Cotton humming his pray, And the fogle hunters[335] doing, Tol lol, &c. Their morning fake in the prigging lay[336].

Many of the other words are also flash, but are so generally understood that it is quite unnecessary to translate them.

Oh, Kittens! in our hours of ease Uncertain toys, and full of fleas; When pain and anguish hang o’er men, We turn you into sausage then.

――――

A CANT HANDBILL.

The following handbill is worthy of a place in this collection; the Slang Dictionary will explain its meaning. Its words are, however, fully understood by many “downy” customers;

Once Try You’ll Come Again TO HARRIS, THE SLAP-UP-TOG and out and out KICKSIES BUILDER. Well known throughout all England.

――――

Mr. H. nabs the chance of putting his customers awake that he has just made his escape from India, not forgetting to clap his mawleys upon some of the right sort of stuff, when on his return home he was stunned to find one of the top Manufacturers of Manchester had cut his lucky, and stepped off to the Swan Stream, leaving behind him a valuable stock of Moleskins, Cords, Velveteens, Box Cloths, Plushes, Doe Skins, Pilots, &c., and having some ready in his kick――grabbed the chance――stepped home with the swag――and is now safely landed at his crib. He can turn out Toggery very slap at the following low prices for

Ready Gilt――Tick being No Go.

Upper Benjamins, built on a downy plan, a monarch to half a finnuff. Fishing or Shooting Togs, or Slap up Velveteen Togs, lined with the same, cut slap, 1 pound, 1 quarter and a peg. A Fancy Sleeve Blue Plush or Pilot ditto, made very saucy, a couter. Pair of Kerseymere or Doeskin Kicksies, built very slap with the artful dodge, a canary. Pair of Bath or Worsted Cords, cut to drop down on the trotters, a quid. Pair of out and out cords, built very serious, 9 bob and a kick. Pair of stout Broad Cords, built in the Melton Mowbray style, half a sov. Pair of Moleskins, built hanky spanky, with double fakement down the sides and artful buttons at the bottom, half a monarch.

Mud Pipes, Knee Caps & Trotter Cases built very low. A decent allowance made to Seedy Swells, Tea Kettle Purgers, Head Robbers, and Flunkeys out of Collar.

N.B.――Gentlemen finding their own Broady can be accommodated.

――――:o:――――

The distinctions between Slang and Cant are well defined by Hotten. “Cant,” he says, “is old, whilst Slang is always modern and changing. To illustrate the difference: a thief in Cant language would term a horse a Prancer or Prad; while in Slang a man of fashion would speak of it as a Bit of Blood, a Spanker, or a neat tit.”

Cant was formed for the purpose of secrecy in roguery, Slang is commonly indulged in from a desire to appear familiar with the life, gaiety, town humour, and street jokes of the day. Cant and Slang are often used as synonyms, which is erroneous, they are distinct terms, and should be kept so.

Then there is what is commonly known as “Daily Telegraphese,” or the “high falutin” style. This arose from the invincible objection an inferior class of journalists had to writing of a spade as a spade, it must be called an “agricultural implement.” Examples of this may be found any day in the leaders of the Daily Telegraph, (London) a journal which whilst owned by Jews is especially conspicuous for its cant about Christianity and the Established Church. The parade of irrelevant learning, the mythological allusions dug up from the almost inaccessible depths of Lemprière, and the Latin verses cheaply filched from Dictionaries of Quotations, can only impose on imperfectly educated readers, to persons of any literary culture they are simply nauseating.

On page 251 Jerry Juniper’s Chaunt (“Nix my dolly pals”) was given, it is the somewhat abbreviated version which is commonly sung, the full text, with a glossary, will be found in Ainsworth’s entertaining novel Rookwood.

This work contains other cant songs, and in his Preface Mr. Ainsworth makes the following remarks upon them:――

“As I have casually alluded to the flash song of Jerry Juniper, I may be allowed to make a few observations upon this branch of versification. It is somewhat curious with a dialect so racy, idiomatic, and plastic as our own cant, that its metrical capabilities should have been so little essayed. The French have numerous chansons d’argot, ranging from the time of Charles Bourdigné and Villon down to that of Vidocq and Victor Hugo, the last of whom has enlivened the horrors of his “Dernier Jour d’un Condamné” by a festive song of this class. The Spaniards possess a large collection of Romances de Germania, by various authors, amongst whom Quevedo holds a distinguished place. We on the contrary, have scarcely any slang songs of merit. This barreness is not attributable to the poverty of the soil, but to the want of due cultivation. Materials are at hand in abundance, but there have been few operators. Dekker, Beaumont and Fletcher, and Ben Jonson, have all dealt largely in this jargon, but not lyrically; and one of the earliest and best specimens of a canting-song occurs in Brome’s ‘Jovial Crew;’ and in the ‘Adventures of Bamfylde Moore Carew’ there is a solitary ode addressed by the mendicant fraternity to their newly-elected monarch; but it has little humour, and can scarcely be called a genuine canting-song. This ode brings us down to our own time; to the effusions of the illustrious Pierce Egan; to Tom Moore’s Flights of ‘Fancy;’ to John Jackson’s famous chant, ‘On the High Toby Spice flash the Muzzle,’ cited by Lord Byron in a note to ‘Don Juan;’ and to the glorious Irish ballad, worth them all put together, entitled ‘The Night before Larry was stretched.’ This is attributed to the late Dean Burrowes, of Cork. It is worthy of note, that almost all modern aspirants to the graces of the Musa Pedestris are Irishmen. Of all rhymesters of the ‘Road,’ however, Dean Burrowes is, as yet, most fully entitled to the laurel. Larry is quite ‘the potato!’

“I venture to affirm that I have done something more than has been accomplished by my predecessors, or contemporaries, with the significant language under consideration. I have written a purely flash song; of which the great and peculiar merit consists in its being utterly incomprehensible to the uninformed understanding, while its meaning must be perfectly clear and perspicuous to the practised patterer of Romany, or Pedler’s French. I have, moreover, been the first to introduce and naturalize amongst us a measure which, though common enough in the Argotic minstrelsy of France, has been hitherto utterly unknown to our pedestrian poetry. Some years after the song alluded to, better known under the title of ‘Nix my dolly, pals,――fake away!’ sprang into extraordinary popularity, being set to music by Rodwell, and chanted by glorious Paul Bedford and clever little Mrs. Keeley.”

Of course Mr. Ainsworth is in error in his claim to have written the first purely flash song, if indeed that is what he claims in his somewhat ambiguous sentence on the subject.

Detached Slang phrases may be found in the writings of most of our principal novelists――in Swift, Addison, Henry Fielding, Lord Lytton, Harrison Ainsworth, and Charles Dickens they abound. Professor Wilson and Dr. Maginn were also authorities on Slang.

Our older dramatists introduced Slang largely into their plays, notably Shakespeare, Ben Jonson, Beaumont and Fletcher, Richard Brome, Thomas Middleton, Thomas Decker, the Duke of Buckingham, and more recently R. B. Sheridan and Moncrieff.

Our dear little friend Notes and Queries (London) contains many hundreds of references, explanations, and etymologies of Cant, Slang, and Flash, to which access can be readily obtained by reference to the indices of that ably conducted journal.

As a general remark on the songs which have been quoted, it should be borne in mind that prior to 1829 the punishment of death was inflicted for many offences which are now considered trivial, hence the frequent references they contain to hanging, and the gallows.

――――

THE PRINTER’S EPITAPH.

No more shall copy bad perplex my brain; No more shall type’s small face my eyeballs strain; No more the proof’s foul page[337] create me troubles, By errors, transpositions, outs, and doubles;[338] No more to overrun shall I begin; No more be driving out or taking in; The stubborn pressman’s frown I now may scoff; Raised, and corrected, finally worked off!

From Songs of the Press, and other Poems relative to the Art of Printing. Collected by C. H. Timperley. London: Fisher, Son & Co., 1845.

This work contains a large number of Poems and Parodies in Printer’s Slang, and has a good glossary of the technical terms and Slang used in printing offices.

――――:o:――――

Dictionaries and other Books of Reference, on Cant and Slang. Chronologically Arranged.

“A Caveat or Warening for Common Cursetors, vulgarly called Vagabones, set forth by Thomas Harman, Esquier, for the utilitie and proffyt of hys naturall Countrey, newly augumented and imprynted Anno Domini, 1567. Viewed, examined and allowed according unto the Queene Majesteyes injunctions. Imprinted at London, in Fletestret, at the signe of the Faulcon, by Wylliam Gryffith, and are to be solde at his shoppe in Saynt Dunstones Churche Yard in the West.”――This is generally acknowledged to have been the first work of its kind, namely, an attempt to form a Cant Dictionary. It was first printed in black letter, there have been several later editions, and Hotten in his Slang Dictionary reprints from it what he terms the “Rogues’ Dictionary.” This vocabulary contains about 150 entries.

A reprint of Harman’s Caveat, with illustrations and interesting notes, was published by Reeves and Turner in 1871, in Mr. Charles Hindley’s Old Book Collector’s Miscellany.

The Fraternatye of Vacabondes, etc. Imprinted at London by John Awdeley, 1575.――Supposed to have been either written by Harman, or taken from his works.

The Bellman of London, by Thomas Decker.――Contains an account of the Canting Language. Black letter. London, 1608.

Lanthorne and Candle-light, or the Bellman’s Second Night’s Walke.――By Thomas Decker. London. 1608-9 This is a continuation of Decker’s former work, and contains the Canter’s Dictionary. There were numerous editions of Decker’s works on this subject.

“Villanies discovered by Lanthorne and Candle-light, and the helpe of a new crier called O Per se O. Being an addition to the Bel-man’s second night-walke; and laying open to the world of those abuses, which the Bel-man (because he went i’th darke) could not see. With Canting Songs, and other new conceits never before Printed.” By Thomas Decker. Newly corrected and enlarged. Small quarto. London, Aug Mathewes, 1620. Very rare, and curious as containing a complete description of the thieving and swindling population of London at that time, with a Cant Vocabulary and Slang songs. There were several Editions of this work.

The English Rogue, described in the Life of Meriton Latroon, a witty Extravagant. By Richard Head, 1671-80. This contains a list of Cant words, partly taken from Decker’s works.

Canting Academy; or, Villanies Discovered, wherein are shown the Mysterious and Villanous Practices of that Wicked Crew――Hectors, Trapanners, Gilts, etc., Also a Compleat Canting Dictionary. Compiled by Richard Head. 1674.

Ladies’ Dictionary, by Dunton, London, 1694.

Dictionary of the Canting Crew (Ancient and Modern), of Gypsies, Beggars, Thieves, &c. About 1700.

New Dictionary of the Terms (Ancient and Modern), of the Canting Crew in its several Tribes. By B. E. Gent. About 1710.――This work was the foundation of Bacchus and Venus, 1737, and of The Scoundrel’s Dictionary, 1754.

Regulator; or, a Discovery of the Thieves, Thief-takers, and Jocks, in and about London. With an account of all the Flash Words now in vogue amongst the thieves. By Charles Hitching, formerly City Marshall. London, 1718.

Complete History of the Lives and Robberies of the most notorious Highwaymen, Footpads, Shop-lifters, and Cheats in and about London and Westminster. By Captain A. Smith. London, 1719.――This contains “The Thieves New Canting Dictionary of the Words, Proverbs, &c., used by Thieves.”

The Thieves’ Grammar. By Captain Alexander Smith. About 1720.

The Thieves’ Dictionary, by the same author. 1724.

Canting Dictionary; comprehending all the Terms used by Gipsies, Beggars, Shoplifters, Highwaymen, Footpads, etc., with a collection of Songs in the Canting Dialect. A rechauffé of earlier works, 1725.

The Golden Cabinet of Secrets, with a Canting Dictionary, by Dr. Surman. In seven parts. London, about 1730.

The Triumph of Wit, or Ingenuity displayed, with the mystery and art of Canting, and Poems in the Canting Language, J. Clarke, 1735.

Etymological English Dictionary. By Nathaniel Bailey, 2 Vols., 1737. A collection of ancient and modern Cant words appears as an appendix to this edition.

Bacchus and Venus; or a select Collection of Songs in the Canting Dialect, etc., with a Dictionary explaining the Canting Terms. 1731. Founded on B. E. Gent’s New Dictionary.

The Life of an English Rogue. By Jeremy Sharp, 1740.――This contains a vocabulary of Gypsies’ Cant.

The History and Curious Adventures of Bampfylde-Moore Carew, King of the Mendicants. The first edition was published by R. Goodby, London, 1749.――This is a very common book, it should contain “A vocabulary of words used by the Scottish Gipsies,” “A few sentences in the Gipsy Language,” and “A Dictionary of the Cant Language generally used by mendicants.” These are incomplete and unsatisfactory.

History of the Lives and Actions of Jonathan Wild, Blueskin, and John Sheppard; together with a Canting Dictionary, by Jonathan Wild, 1750.

The Sportsman’s Dictionary. No date. Contains low sporting and pugilistic terms.

Scoundrel’s Dictionary, or an Explanation of the Cant words used by Thieves, House Breakers, Street Robbers, and Pickpockets about Town, 1754. A reprint of Bacchus and Venus, 1737.

The Triumph of Wit, or the Canting Dictionary. Dublin, about 1760.

The Discoveries of John Poulter. About 1770.――With an explanation of the “Language of Thieves, commonly called Cant.”

Dictionary of the English Language, by Dr. John Ash, 1775.――Containing low, vulgar, slang, and cant terms.

New and Complete Dictionary of the English Language. By John Ash, L.L.D., 1775.――Contains Cant words and phrases.

A View of Society in High and Low Life. By George Parker, 1781.

The Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue. By Francis Grose.――The first edition was published in 1785. This is the foundation of most of the Slang Dictionaries which have since been compiled. Although it is one of the most indecent books ever printed in the English language it must be admitted that it was, at the time it appeared, the most complete and important Dictionary of street language, based on personal enquiry, and acquaintance with the habits of those who used “Cant.”

The Whole Art of Thieving and Defrauding Discovered; to which is added an Explanation of most of the Cant terms in the Thieving Language. 1786.

Life’s Painter of Variegated Characters, with a Dictionary of Cant Language and Flash Songs. By George Parker, 1789.

New Dictionary of all the Cant and Flash Languages, both ancient and modern, used by Gipsies, Beggars, Swindlers, Footpads, Highwaymen, etc. By H. T. Potter, of Clay, Worcestershire. 1790.

Dictionary of all the Cant and Flash Languages, both ancient and modern. By Bailey. 1790.

New Dictionary of all the Cant and Flash Languages used by every class of Offenders, from a Lully Prigger to a High Tober Gloak. 179――

A Political Dictionary: Explaining the True Meaning of Words. By the late Charles Pigott, Esq. London: D. I. Eaton, 1795.――A satirical work directed against the Monarchy, the Aristocracy, and the Government of the day, in the form of a dictionary.

Blackguardiana; or, Dictionary of Rogues, Bawds, etc. By James Caulfield. 1795.

A coarse work, mainly founded on Grose’s “Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue.”

Dictionary of all the Cant and Flash Languages. London. 1797.

Anecdotes of the English Language, chiefly regarding the Local dialect of London and Environs. By Samuel Pegge. 1803.

Dictionary of the Slang and Cant Languages, Ancient and Modern. By George Andrews. A sixpenny pamphlet. London, 1809.

A Dictionary of Buckish Slang, University Wit, and Pickpocket Eloquence. 1811.

Lexicon Balatronicum. A Dictionary of Buckish Slang, University Wit, and Pickpocket Eloquence, compiled originally by Captain Grose, and now considerably altered and enlarged by a member of the Whip Club, assisted by Hell-Fire Dick, etc. London: C. Chappel, Pall Mall, 1811. With a folding plate by G. Cruikshank, entitled “Bang up Dinner; or, Love and Lingo.” This is a very comprehensive slang dictionary, containing extracts from flash songs and dialogues. It is exceedingly coarse and indelicate, and is consequently very scarce.

Bang-up Dictionary; or, the Lounger and Sportsman’s Vade Mecum. A Glossary of the Language of the Whips. 1812.

London Guide and Stranger’s Safeguard, against Cheats, Swindlers, and Pickpockets, By William Perry. 1818. Contains a Dictionary of Slang Words.

Life of the Count de Vaux, written by Himself, to which is added a Canting Dictionary. 1819.

These memoirs were suppressed.

Tom Crib’s Memorial to Congress: With a Preface, Notes, and Appendix. By One of the Fancy. London, Longmans & Co., 1819. There were several Editions. This has been ascribed to Thomas Moore, it contains a parody of one of his poems, most of the other pieces contained in this little volume are descriptive of prize fights, and abound in slang; the burlesque preface and footnotes, are interesting, learned, and explanatory.

There is also a translation from the Fifth Book of Virgil’s Æneid in Slang, entitled “Account of the Milling-match between Entellus and Dares.”

“With daddles high uprais’d, and nob held back, In awful prescience of th’ impending thwack, Both Kiddies stood――and with prelusive spar, And light manœuvering, kindled up the war.!”

* * * * *

Boxiana; or, Sketches of Modern Pugilism, by Pierce Egan. London, 1820.

This is more particularly devoted to the Prize-ring, and its technicalities.

The Fancy: A selection from the Poetical Remains of the late Peter Corcoran, of Gray’s Inn, Student at Lawe London, Taylor & Hessey. 1820. This is written in imitation of Tom Crib’s Memorial to Congress, and is generally ascribed to James Smith, one of the authors of The Rejected Addresses. It abounds in cant, slang, and terms of the prize ring, and has a short glossary of terms.

The True History of Tom and Jerry; or, The Day and Night scenes of Life in London, with a Glossary of Slang. By Pierce Egan. About 1820.

Flash Dictionary of the Cant Words, Queer Sayings, and Crack Terms now in use in Flash Cribb Society. By Mr. Duncombe. 1820.

Jack Randall’s Diary of Proceedings at the Souse of Call for Genius. This is supposed to have been written by Thomas Moore, it contains numerous Slang parodies, relating to pugilism and fast life in London. 1820. Jack Randall was an ex-pugilist, who kept a 284 public-house called the Hole-in-the-Wall, Chancery Lane, frequented by the “fancy.” He died in 1828.

Alas! poor Jack lies on his back, As flat as any flounder: Although he died of a bad inside, No heart was ever sounder. The Hole-in-the-Wall was once his stall, His crib the Fancy name it: A Hole-in-the-Ground he now has found, And no one else will claim it.

* * * * *

Essayes and Characters of a Prison and Prisoners. (Mynshull) Edinburgh, 1821. Contains an account of the Cant used in the prison.

Life of David Haggart, written by himself while under sentence of Death. With a glossary of the Slang and Cant Words of the Day. 1821.

Life in St. George’s Fields; or, the Rambles and Adventures of Disconsolate William, Esq., and his Surrey Friend, Flash Dick, with Songs and a Flash Dictionary. 1821.

A Political Dictionary; or, Pocket Companion:――Chiefly designed for the use of Members of Parliament, Whigs, Tories, Loyalists, Magistrates, Clergymen, Half-pay Officers, Worshipful Aldermen and Reviewers; being an Illustration and Commentary on all Words, Phrases, and Proper Names in the Vocabulary of Corruption. With biographical illustrations from the lives of the most celebrated Corruptionists in Church and State. By the Editor of the “Black Book.” London: T. Dolby. 1821.

This work, which has a strong Radical bias, is satirically dedicated to the odious Lord Castlereagh, and is very outspoken in its denunciations of Bribery, Corruption, Pensioners, and Placemen, as witness the definition it gives of “LAUREATE (Poet),” “A fellow who barters his principles for a hundred pounds a year and a butt of sack.” This gibe was directed at the renegade republican Robert Southey, then Poet Laureate.

The Man of the World’s Dictionary. Anonymous. London: J. Appleyard. 1822.

Translated from the Dictionnaire des Gens du Monde, a satirical work in the form of a dictionary.

Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue, by Francis Grose, revised and corrected, with the addition of numerous Slang Phrases, collected from tried authorities, by Pierce Egan. London. 1823.――This is the best edition of Grose’s work.

Dictionary of the Turf, the Ring, the Chase, the Pit, the Bon Ton, and the Varieties of Life, by John Bee, (i.e., John Badcock). 1823.

Gradus ad Cantabrigiam; or New University Guide to the Academical Customs, and Colloquial or Cant terms peculiar to The University of Cambridge. By a Brace of Cantabs. London. J. Hearne. 1824.――This is written in the form of a Dictionary, and contains some excellent parodies.

The Modern Flash Dictionary, containing all the Cant Words, Slang Terms, and Flash Phrases now in vogue. By E. Kent. 1825.

Modern Flash Dictionary, 48mo. 1825.――The smallest Slang Dictionary ever printed.

Sportsman’s Slang; A new Dictionary of Terms used in the affairs of the Turf, the Ring, the Chase, and the Cockpit. By John Bee (J. Badcock). 1825.

My Thought Book, by J. Thomas, 1825.――Contains a chapter on Slang.

Living Picture of London for 1828, and Strangers’ Guide through the streets of the Metropolis; showing the Frauds, the Arts, Snares and Wiles of all descriptions of Rogues, &c., 1828.――Giving an insight into the language of the streets.

Mornings at Bow Street. By T. Wright, London, 1838. Contains Etymologies of a few Slang Words.

Poverty, Mendicity, and Crime; or the Facts, Examinations, &c. upon which the Report was founded, Presented to the House of Lords by W. A. Miles, Esq., to which is added a Dictionary of the Flash or Cant Language, known to every Thief and Beggar. Edited by H. Brandon, Esq., London; Shaw & Sons, 1839.――The Flash Dictionary only extends to six pages, followed by two examples of “flash” conversation, the first of which has already been quoted.

Sinks of London laid open, a Pocket Companion for the uninitiated, to which is added a Modern Flash Dictionary, with a List of the 60 orders of Prime Coves, the whole forming a True Picture of London Life, Cadging made Easy, the He-She Man, Smoking Kens, Lessons to Lovers, &c. With illustrations, by George Cruikshank, London, 1848.

London Labour and London Poor, 4 vols. By Henry Mayhew. London, 1851.

In the Great World of London, written by the same gentleman, there is also some information about Cant and Slang Words.

Magistrates’ Assistant and Constables’ Guide. By Snowden, 1852.――Contains a “Glossary of the Flash Language.”

Archaic Dictionary, by J. O. Halliwell, 2 vols. 1855.

The Vulgar Tongue: comprising two glossaries of Slang, Cant and Flash words and phrases, principally used in London at the present day. By Ducange Anglicus. London: Bernard Quaritch, 1857. Only 250 copies were printed of this edition. The first Glossary was original, the second was merely a reprint from the report entitled Poverty, Mendicity, and Crime, which see. It also contains The Leary Man, a Flash Song, and a Tailor’s Handbill in Slang, both of which have already been quoted.

Essay on Church Parties. By Dean Conybeare, containing examples of clerical, or pulpit Slang. 1858.

The Slang Dictionary; or, the Vulgar words, Street Phrases and “Fast” expressions of High and Low Society. This was first published in London by John Camden Hotten in 1859 as The Dictionary of Modern Slang, Cant, and Vulgar words, a second edition appeared in 1860; the above named which appeared in 1864, contained much more matter than its predecessors. There have been several editions published more recently. Speaking in a general sense this appears to be by far the most interesting, as it is also the most useful work on Slang for modern readers. Naturally it contains a few coarse and vulgar expressions, but none of an obscene or indelicate description. It has a bibliography of Slang and Cant, which is, however, incomplete.

The History of a Manchester Cadger; narrated in his own language. Price, one penny.――This was an impudent theft from Hotten’s Slang Dictionary.

Miss Polly-Glott’s Dictionary of the Future.――This was a satirical Dictionary which appeared in several parts of The Girl of the Period Miscellany. London. 1869.

A Pedlar’s Pack of Ballads and Songs. By W. H. Logan. Edinburgh; William Paterson. 1869.――This contains about a dozen slang songs, the best of which have been already quoted.

The Shotover Papers, or Echoes from Oxford. Oxford. J. Vincent. 1874-75.――This contains numerous specimens of the slang in use in the Oxford Colleges.

The Life and Times of James Catnach, (late of Seven Dials) Ballad Monger. By Charles Hindley. London. Reeves and Turner. 1878.――Contains old Cant Ballads, and notes on Thieves and their haunts.

Macmillan’s Magazine, October, 1879. Autobiography of a Thief, by Rev. J. W. Horsley.――See also Jottings from Jail. 1887.

Flights of Fancy by E. L. Blanchard. London: E. W. Allen, 1882. This has a more explanatory sub-title; “The Comic Encyclopædia, a Dictionary of Definitions for the use of Punsters,” this in reality is a humorous and satirical dictionary. This work originally appeared in parts in the early numbers of Fun. London.

Jottings from Jail; Notes and Papers on Prison matters. By the Rev. J. W. Horsley M.A., London. T. Fisher Unwin, 1887.

This contains “An Autobiography of a Thief, in Cant or Thieves’ language,” which had previously appeared in Macmillan’s Magazine for October, 1879. This was also reprinted, with a French translation, in Mr. A. Barrère’s splendid work Argot and Slang.

The A. B. C. of a New Dictionary of Flash, Cant, Slang and Vulgar Words, Proverbs and Provincialisms, their Explication and Illustration. On the basis of Bailey and Grose. London, no date, but probably printed about 1866. This exceedingly scarce and rather coarse little book (110 pages) has no author’s or publisher’s name. It only deals with the first three letters of the alphabet, and was evidently intended as the first instalment of a very complete dictionary, an intention which was not carried into effect. Only a few copies were printed.

New Canting Dictionary. N.D.

A new Dictionary of the Jaunting Crew. N.D.

The Gipsy Vocabulary, Edited by W. Pinkerton.

Every Day Life in our Public Schools. By C. E. Pascoe. London.

The Seven Curses of London. By James Greenwood.

A Supplementary English Glossary. By T. L. O. Davies. London, 1881.

“The True History of Tom and Jerry; or The Day and Night Scenes of Life in London from the Start to the Finish! With a key to the Persons and Places, together with a Vocabulary and Glossary of the Flash and Slang terms occurring in the course of the work.” By Charles Hindley. London, Reeves & Turner, 1889.

This is a reprint of Pierce Egan’s Tom and Jerry and The Finish to the Adventures of Tom, Jerry, and Logic, with an interesting and profusely illustrated introduction, by Mr. Hindley. The Glossary has been revised and brought down to date, and altogether the book is as curious and as amusing a record of “Life in London” seventy years ago as can be desired. Only two hundred and fifty copies have been printed.

A Dictionary of Slang, Jargon, and Cant, embracing English, American, and Anglo-Indian Slang, Pidgin English, Tinkers’ Jargon, and other irregular Phraseology, compiled and edited by Albert Barrère and Charles G. Leland. Printed, for subscribers only, at the Ballantyne Press. 1889. Only the first volume (A to K) of this work has as yet been issued.

AMERICAN AND COLONIAL SLANG.

Essays on Americanisms, Perversions of Language in the United States, Cant Phrases, &c.――By Dr. Witherspoon, Philadelphia, 1801.

Probably the earliest work on Americanisms.

Vocabulary, or Collection of Words and Phrases which have been supposed to be peculiar to the United States of America. By F. Pickering, Boston, 1816.

Letter to the Hon. John Pickering, on the subject of his Vocabulary, or Collection of Words and Phrases supposed to be peculiar to the United States. By Noah Webster, Boston, 1817.

Collection of College Words and Customs. By B. H. Hall. Cambridge (U.S.) 1856.

Dictionary of Americanisms; a Glossary of Words and Phrases colloquially used in the United States. By John Russell Bartlett. New York, 1859.

Glossary of supposed Americanisms; Vulgar and Slang words used in the United States, by Alfred L. Elwyn. 1859.

Gazetteer of Georgia, U.S. By Sherwood. This contains a glossary of the Slang and Vulgar words peculiar to the Southern States of the U.S.A.

A Handbook of Sayings and Phrases. By J. A. Mair. London, George Routledge and Sons. About 1880. This useful little work contains not only many English Slang Words, but also a collection of American Words and Phrases.

Americanisms, Old and New, being a collection of words, phrases, and colloquialisms peculiar to the United States British America, the West Indies, etc. By John S. Farmer. Privately printed 1889. This contains a good many words pertaining to transatlantic cant, or thieves’ slang. An amusing article on this book appeared in The Daily News, January 31, 1889.

School Life at Winchester College, giving an account of the Language of Ziph. By Professor Mansfield.

――――:o:――――

CONTINENTAL BOOKS OF REFERENCE ON “ARGOT” OR SLANG.

La Comédie des Proverbes. Par Adrien de Montluc. 1633.

Dictionnaire des Halles. Bruxelles, 1696. A scarce and very curious slang dictionary.

Dictionnaire Comique, Satyrique, Critique, Burlesque, Libre et Proverbial. Avec une explication très-fidèle de toutes les manières de parler Burlesques, Comiques, Libres, Satyriques, Critiques et Proverbiales, qui peuvent se rencontrer dans les meilleurs Auteurs, tant anciens que modernes. Par Philibert Joseph Le Roux. Lyons, 1735. Other editions 1752 and 1786.

(The editor’s copy of this curious work was published by Michel Charles le Cene, at Amsterdam, 1718, and was purchased in July 1889, at Sotheby’s sale of the Library of the Right Hon. and Reverend the Earl of Buckinghamshire.)

Le Poissardiana. 1756.

Amusements à la Grecque, ou les Soirées de la Halle. Par un Ami de feu Vadé. Paris, 1764.

Amusements rapsodi-poétiques. 1773.

Nouveau Dictionnaire Proverbial, Satirique et Burlesque. Plus complet que ceux qui ont paru jusqu’à ce jour, à l’usage de tout le monde. Par A. Caillot. Paris. Dauvin, 1826.

Illustrated by many interesting quotations from the old French classical writers.

Dictionnaire d’Argot, ou la Langue des Voleurs devoilée, contenant les moyens de se mettre en garde contre les Ruses des Filous. Paris. 1830 (?)

Histoire de Collet et de plusieurs autres Voleurs anciens et modernes, suivie d’un Dictionnaire Argot-Francais. Paris, 1849.

Macaroneana, ou Mélange de Littérature Macaronique des différents Peuples de l’Europe. Par Octave Delepierre. 1852.

Etudes de Philologie comparée sur l’Argot. Par Francisque Michel. Paris. 1856.

Dictionnaire d’Argot, ou Etudes de Philologie comparée sur l’Argot. Par Francisque Michel. Paris. 1856.

Le Dictionnaire des Précieuses. Par A. B. de Somaize. Nouvelle edition par Ch. L. Livet. 1856.

Récréations Philologiques. Par F. Génin. Paris. 1858.

Liber Vagatorum. Der Betler Orden. The Book of Vagabonds and Beggars, with a vocabulary of their Language. Now first translated into English, with Notes, by John Camden Hotten. 4to. London. 1859.――For an account of this work see Hotten’s Slang Dictionary.

Glossaire Erotique de la Langue Française. Par Louis de Landes. Bruxelles, 1861.

Curiosités de l’Etymologie française. Par Charles Nisard. Paris, 1863.

Vocabulaire des Houilleurs Liégois. Par S. Bormans. 1864.

Dictionnaire de la Langue Verte, par Alfred Delvau. Paris. Second edition, 1867.

Almanach de la Langue Verte pour l’année 1868, à l’usage des Bons Zigues.

Almanach Chantant. 1869.

Dictionnaire Historique, Etymologique, et Anecdotique de l’Argot Parisien. Par L. Larchey. Paris, 1872. (There have been several editions of this work).

De quelques Parisianismes populaires et autres Locutions. Par Charles Nisard. Paris, 1876.

Dictionnaire Historique l’Argot. Par Lorédan Larchey. Paris, 1880.

Dictionnaire d’Argot Moderne. Par Lucien Rigaud. Paris, 1881.

Dictionnaire de l’Argot des Typographes. Par Eugène Boutmy. Paris, 1883.

Dictionnaire de l’Argot Moderne. Par L. Rigaud. Paris, 1883.

Dictionnaire de la Langue Verte, par Delvau et Fustier.

The last and best edition, with a supplement, was published in Paris in 1883.

L’Argot des Nomades en Basse-Brétagne. Par N. Quellien. Paris, 1885.

L’Argot des Nomades de la Basse-Brétagne. Par N. Quellien. Paris, 1886.

La Langue Verte du Troupier. Par Léon Merlin. Paris, 1886.

Le Jargon, ou Langage de l’Argot reformé. Epinal. N.D.

Paris Voleur. Par Pierre Delcourt. Paris, 1887.

Dictionnaire Erotique Moderne. Par un Professeur de la langue Verte. (Alfred Delvau.)

Les Formules du Docteur Grégoire, Dictionnaire du Figaro. Par A. Decourcelle. Paris: J. Hetzel. No date.

An amusing satirical work, in which many humourous definitions are arranged in the form of a dictionary.

Histoire de la Prostitution, par Léo Taxil. Paris. N.D.

Argot and Slang; a new French and English Dictionary of the Cant Words, Quaint Expressions, Slang Terms and Flash Phrases used in old and new Paris. By A. Barrère. London. Privately printed at the Chiswick Press, by C. Whittingham and Co. 1887.

This splendid work contains historical notices of the various canting languages, a number of songs both in French and English slang, and a French translation of the Rev. J. W. Horsley’s Autobiography of a Thief in Thieves’ Language.

M. Barrère gives a long list of the works he has consulted, and in the body of his book brief extracts are given to show the application and contexts of the examples.

――――

Books on foreign slang are very numerous. Besides those already mentioned the following are well known:――“Le Jargon, ou Langage de l’Argot reformé,” &c. (à Troyés), par Yves Girardin, 1660; another by Antoine Dubois, 1680; “Le Jargon ou Langage de l’Argot reformé, pour l’instruction des bons Grivois,” &c., à Lavergne, chex Mezière, Babillandier du Grand Coëre, 1848; “Le Jargon de l’Argot,” par Techener (several editions).

Alfred Delvau published his “Dictionnaire de la Langue Verte, Argots Parisiens comparés,” in 1866, and a second edition in 1867. A third “augmentée d’un supplément par G. Fustier” appeared in 1883. The same author published the “Dictionnaire Erotique Moderne” in 1864. Other editions followed in 1874 and 1875.

Lorédan Larchey wrote “Les Excentricités de la Langue Française” in 1860; the fourth edition appeared in 1862. In 1872 the title was changed to “Dictionnaire Historique Etymologique et Anecdotique de l’Argot Parisien. Sixième Edition des Excentricités du Langage mise à la hauteur des Revolutions du Jour.” In 1880 the eighth edition was called “Dictionnaire Historique d’Argot”; and a supplement appeared in 1883.

It has not been attempted here to give more than a brief bibliography of the principal French works treating of Argot in an explanatory, or historical manner.

Those who wish to pursue the subject further, and to study examples, must consult the old poems of Maitre Francois Villon and Molière, and the writings of Rabelais, Beaumarchais, Eugene Sue, Victor Hugo, Emile Zola, Champfleury, Honoré de Balzac, Pierre de Brantôme, Alphonse Daudet, Emile Gaboriau, Charles Nodier, Jean Richepin, and the classical Memoires de Monsieur Vidocq.

CROSS READINGS.

A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION FROM CARDINAL RICHELIEU.

Mr. Campoa, Savoyard and Friar, of the holy order of St. Bennet, is to be the bearer to you of some news from me, by means of this letter; he is one of the most discreet, wise, and least vicious persons that I ever yet knew, amongst all I have conversed with and hath earnestly desired me to write to you in his favour, and to give him a letter for you of credence in his behalf and my recommendation, which to his merit (I assure you) rather than his importunity, I have granted; for he deserves greatly your esteem, and I should be sorry you should be backward to oblige him by being mistaken in not knowing him, I should be concern’d if you were as very many others have been already upon that account, who are of my best friends. Hence, and for no other motive, I am desirous to advertise you that you are obliged for my sake to take especial notice of him, to pay him all possible respect, and to say nothing before him that may offend or displease him in any sort; for I may truly say, he is a worthy man, and assure you, there can’t be a more convincing argument of an unworthy person in the world, than to be able to injure him. I am sure, that as soon as you cease being a stranger to his virtue, & have any acquaintance with him, you will love him as well as I, and I shall receive thanks for the advice. The assurance I have of your Civility hindereth me to write farther of him to you, or to say any more on the subject.

An invention of the like kind is the Jesuits Double-faced Creed, which was published in the history of Popery, 1679, and which, according to the different readings, may suit either Papist or Protestant.

THE JESUITS DOUBLE-FACED CREED.

I hold for faith What England’s church allows, What Rome’s church saith My conscience disavows. Where the king is head The flock can take no shame, The flock’s misled Who hold the pope supreme. Where the altar’s drest The worship’s scarce divine, The people’s blest Whose table’s bread and wine. He’s but an ass Who their communion flies, Who shuns the mass Is catholic and wise.

IN LATIN.

Pro fide teneo sana Quae docet Anglicana Affirmat quae Romana Videnter mihi vana, Supremus quando rex est Tum plebs est fortunata, Erraticus tum Grex est Cum caput fiat papa, Altare cum ornatur Communio fit inanis, Populus tum beatur Cum mensa vino panis, Asini nomen meruit Hunc morem qui non capit, Missam qui deseruit Catholicus est et sapit.

The following lines were found in the pocket of the Marquis of Tullabardine on his death in July, 1746. Read across, the cause of the Stuart family is advocated, whilst that of the Hanoverians is pleaded if the short lines are read straight down.

I love wᵗʰ all my Heart The Stuart’s party Here The Hanoverian part Most hateful doth appear And for the Settlement I ever have denied My Conscience gives Consent To be on Jemmy’s side Most righteous is the Cause To be for such a King To fight for George’s Laws Will Britain ruin bring This is my Mind and Heart In this Opinion I Tho’ none shoᵈ take my part Resolve to live and die.

TWO VIEWS OF MARRIED LIFE.

The first view is attained by reading the verses as they are printed, the second view appears by reading the lines alternately, the first and third, then the second and fourth.

That man must lead a happy life Who is directed by a wife; Who’s freed from matrimonial claims, Is sure to suffer for his pains.

Adam could find no solid peace Till he beheld a woman’s face; When Eve was given for a mate, Adam was in a happy state.

In all the female race appear Truth, darling of a heart sincere; Hypocrisy, deceit, and pride, In woman never did reside.

What tongue is able to unfold The worth in woman we behold? The failings that in woman dwell Are almost imperceptible.

Confusion take the men, I say, Who no regard to women pay; Who make the women their delight Keep always reason in their sight.

A mangled and spoilt version of this very old poem was recently given in The Sporting Times, (September 4, 1889), as original matter.

――――:o:――――

AUTUMN.

The melancholy days have come, The saddest of the year; Too warm, alas! for whiskey punch, Too cold for lager beer.

Religious and Political Parodies.

Those parodies which deal with Religious and Political questions are alike in that they are both of great antiquity, and that, no matter how harmless they may be, they are sure to displease a certain proportion of their readers. Thus the parodies that were published by William Hone were both religious and political, and they gave great offence to the supporters of the government of his day, yet any history of English parody that should omit the parodies which gave rise to his three trials would be ridiculously incomplete. It is difficult to adequately treat of the topic without appearing to ridicule that which to many appears too solemn for burlesque.

But in the following pages a broad distinction has been drawn, those Parodies only have been admitted which, whilst imitating the form or language of portions of the liturgy, have no tendency to ridicule religion in itself, nor to burlesque any of its dogmas. It should be remembered that much of the phraseology we associate with the Liturgy is simply old fashioned English, such as was in common use at the time the Scriptures were translated into English, and when the services of the Church of England were first compiled. There can therefore be nothing impious in applying similar language to other subjects, and many eminent churchmen have used the liturgical forms of expression in answering and ridiculing the arguments of their opponents.

There would be little difficulty in showing that in the matter of Parodies no one creed has been less considerate of their neighbours religious opinions than the Protestants, and that, from the days of Luther, the Reformers have left no weapon unemployed which could, in their opinion, do injury to the older form of Catholicism.

When that pattern of filial devotion, Mary the Second, came over with her husband to dispossess her father of his kingdom, we read that he who, with all his faults, had been a kind father, exclaimed “Heaven help me, since even my own children desert me!” It was in the name of holy Religion that James the Second was banished from this country, and his enemies, to show how truly christianlike they were, addressed the following poem to his daughter. In this, not content with burlesquing one of the most beautiful portions of the Catholic Church service, they compare this Mary, descended from the Stuarts, with the Virgin Mary.

THE PROTESTANTS AVE MARY, on the Arrival of Her most Gracious Majesty, MARY, QUEEN OF ENGLAND.

Hail all that’s Great or Good! and let the Hail O’erspread Three Kingdoms, and like Truth prevail: Hail Mary! ’twas of old the Voice of Heaven; Nor are we mortals of our share bereaven. Hail Mary full of Grace! speaks yet more clear, Since ev’ry Virtue is Constellate here. And all the Graces so entirely meet, That nothing less could such a Princess greet. Nor rest we here: The Lord is with thee too: Or thy Great Lord could ne’er such Wonders do. Wonders! may well th’ alarum’d World surprise; It was of GOD, and Marvellous in our Eyes! Wonders! as put its Motion to a stand, And not His Finger speaks, but Mighty Hand.

Advance yet higher, and pursue the Hind; Blessed art thou amongst all Womankind:

Since thou com’st cloath’d with Innocence and Peace, And brings’t the Charms, to make our Tempests cease: Since by thy virtues we shall now Retrieve Our gasping Laws, and gain them a Reprieve. Thy WILLIAM’S maintain’d Ray will restore, England the lustre it enjoy’d before; Our shatter’d Liberties and Laws maintain, And calmly anchor Church and State again. But oh! We grieve, that yet, we can’t apply, The last Division of that Rosary. We Wish, we Hope, we Pray, and will Pray on, Till we have gain’d Heaven’s Favour in a SON: That then we may the whole Salute repeat, And make our Joys, as well as that Compleat. Ye Miter’d Heads assist, call to Assize Your strongest zeals, and with them storm the Skies; We know, that fervent Prayer did never fail, And let Rome know such Hereticks can prevail, And with a Holy Violence pluck down, A real Issue to support the Crown, Whilst their addresses to Loretto made, Did only gain a Son in Masquerade. Thus we, to our Great MARY, pay our Hails, With Hearts as full, and swelling as her Sails; Thanks Winds, and Seas, and Ships, that wafted o’er, OUR BLESSED LADY to the British Shore. But above all, thanks be to Heaven alone, That led Her from a State, unto a Throne; Where She will hold (guided by th’ Hand of God.) The Dovelike Sceptre not an Iron Rod: So our late model, she may them Reform; And with true English interest perform, What James first promis’d; and advance our Glory, Beyond the Limits of Ancestral Story; For what can’t England do, would she awake, Give Laws to Europe, and make Empires shake. Keep Mistress of the Undisputed Maine, And hold the Balance Just, ’twixt France and Spain; And once more make her useless Cannons Roar, Through both the Indies, and bring back their ore. Search out new World, and Conquer old Ones too, Bomb Mexico, and subjugate Peru: Beard the proud Sophy, and the Grand Mogul, These are the Rays would make thy Glory full. Such mighty Acts, would make a Perfect Reign, And our Great WILLIAM Conquerour again. * * * * * Then visit Monsieur with United Powers, See Paris too, and humble her high Towers; Storm the Bastile, possess the Louvre too; What can’t Great WILLIAM and Bright MARY do! Thus may’st thou Conquer, and Amen all say, Thus may’st thou reign, while we our Homage pay, And make thy entry, our Great Lady-Day.

This poem is dated “London, 1689. Printed for R. Baldin near the Black-Bull in the Old Baily.”

An even earlier Parody, having a religious motive, may be found in “The Temple. Sacred Poems by Mr. George Herbert.” First printed at Cambridge in 1633, it is entitled

A PARODIE.

Souls joy, when thou art gone, And I alone, Which cannot be, Because thou dost abide with me, And I depend on thee; Yet when thou dost suppresse The cheerfulnesse Of thy abode, And in my powers not stirre abroad, But leave me to my load: O what a damp and shade Doth me invade! No stormie night Can so afflict or so affright, As thy eclipsed light.

* * * * *

The Parody of Scripture may be raised above mere travesty by a vein of earnestness in the motive. Luther intended no violence to the first Psalm when he thus parodied it:――

“Blessed is the man that hath not walked in the way of the Sacramentarians, nor sat in the seat of the Zuringlians, nor followed in the Council of the Zurichers.”

The same may be said of Dr. Norman Macleod’s parody of the first chapter of Genesis:――

“Perhaps the men of science would do well, in accordance with the latest scientific results, and especially the ‘meteoric theory’ to re-write the first chapter of Genesis in this way:――

1. The earth was without form and void. 2. A meteor fell upon the earth. 3. The result was fish, flesh, and fowl. 4. From these proceeded the British Association. 5. And the British Association pronounced it tolerably good.”

――――:o:――――

William Hone’s Three Trials.

In the year 1817 William Hone, a printer and publisher in the Old Bailey, London, was prosecuted by the Government for having printed and published three parodies, the first was John Wilkes’s Catechism of a Ministerial Member, the second was The Political Litany, and the third was The Sinecurist’s Creed.

The first trial was held in the Guildhall, on December 17, 1817, before Mr. Justice Abbott and a Special Jury; the second, also in the Guildhall, on December 19, 1817, before Lord Ellenborough and a Special Jury, and the third in the same place and before the same judge, on December 20, 1817.

In each case all the influence of Court and Government was brought to bear against Mr. Hone, the Attorney-General prosecuted, and the judges were distinctly adverse to the defendant. Notwithstanding all this, and that Mr. Hone, who defended himself without legal assistance, was in feeble health, in each case the Juries returned a verdict of NOT GUILTY, and their decisions were received with delight and applause by the London populace.

Mr. Hone, in his defence, contended that the parodies were harmless in themselves, were not intended to ridicule religion or the scriptures, and were written for purely political motives. He further contended, and indeed, proved by extracts, that parodies of a far more objectionable character than his were daily published without let or hindrance, provided that they were in favour of the Government, or written to abuse its opponents.

Directly after the trials Hone published a full account of them, with his defences, and a quantity of entertaining reading on the subject of religious and political parodies. This book had an enormous sale, it has also been recently reprinted by the Freethought Publishing Company, so that copies of it can readily be obtained.

It will therefore suffice to give only the parodies themselves here, without the evidence and speeches of the trials.

JOHN WILKES’S CATECHISM.

The late John Wilkes’s Catechism of a Ministerial Member; taken from an Original Manuscript in Mr. Wilkes’s Handwriting, never before printed,[339] and adapted to the Present Occasion. With permission.

London: Printed for one of the Candidates for the Office of Printer to the King’s Most Excellent Majesty, and Sold by William Hone, 55, Fleet Street, and 67, Old Bailey. Three Doors from Ludgate Hill. 1817. Price Two-pence.

A Catechism, that is to say, An Instruction, to be learned of every person before he be brought to be confirmed a Placeman or Pensioner by the Minister.

Question. What is your name?

Answer. Lick Spittle.

Q. Who gave you this name?

A. My Sureties to the Ministry, in my Political Change, wherein I was made a Member of the Majority, the Child of Corruption, and a Locust to devour the good Things of this Kingdom.

Q. What did your Sureties then for you?

A. They did promise and vow three things in my Name. First, that I should renounce the Reformists and all their Works, the pomps and vanity of Popular Favour, and all the sinful lusts of Independence. Secondly, that I should believe all the Articles of the Court Faith. And thirdly, that I should keep the Minister’s sole Will and Commandments, and walk in the same, all the days of my life.

Q. Dost thou not think that thou art bound to believe and to do as they have promised for thee?

A. Yes, verily, and for my own sake, so I will; and I heartily thank our heaven-born Ministry, that they have called me to this state of elevation, through my own flattery, cringing, and bribery; and I shall pray to their successors to give me their assistance, that I may continue the same unto my life’s end.

Q. Rehearse the Articles of thy Belief.

A. I believe in GEORGE, the Regent Almighty, Maker of New Streets, and Knights of the Bath,

And in the present Ministry, his only choice, who were conceived of Toryism, brought forth of WILLIAM PITT, suffered loss of Place under CHARLES JAMES FOX, were execrated, dead, and buried. In a few months they rose again from their minority; they re-ascended to the Treasury benches, and sit at the right hand of a little man with a large wig; from whence they laugh at the Petitions of the People who may pray for Reform, and that the sweat of their brow may procure them Bread.

I believe that King James the Second was a legitimate Sovereign, and that King William the Third was not; that the Pretender was of the right line; and that George the Third’s grandfather was not; that the dynasty of Bourbon is immortal! and that the glass in the eye of Lord James Murray was not Betty Martin. I believe in the immaculate purity of the Committee of Finance, in the independence of the Committee of Secresy, and that the Pitt System is everlasting, Amen.

Q. What dost thou chiefly learn in these Articles of thy Belief?

A. First, I learn to forswear all conscience, which was never meant to trouble me, nor the rest of the tribe of Courtiers. Secondly, to swear black is white, or white black, according to the good pleasure of the Ministers. Thirdly, to put on the helmet of Impudence, the only armour against the shafts of Patriotism.

Q. You said that your Sureties did promise for you, that you should keep the Minister’s Commandments: tell me how many there be?

A. Ten.

Q. Which be they?

A. The same to which the Minister for the time being always obliges all his creatures to swear, I, the Minister, am the Lord thy liege, who brought thee out of Want and Beggary, into the House of Commons.

I. Thou shalt have no other Patron but me.

II. Thou shalt not support any measure but mine, nor shalt thou frame clauses of any bill in its progress to the House above, or in the Committee beneath, or when the mace is under the table, except it be mine. Thou shalt not bow to Lord COCHRANE, nor shake hands with him, nor any other of my real opponents; for I thy Lord am a jealous Minister, and forbid familiarity of the Majority, with the Friends of the People, unto the third and fourth cousins of them that divide against me; and give places, and thousands and tens of thousands, to them that divide with me, and keep my Commandments.

III. Thou shalt not take the Pension of thy Lord the Minister in vain; for I the Minister will force him to accept the Chilterns that taketh my Pension in vain.

IV. Remember that thou attend the Minister’s Levee day; on other days thou shalt speak for him in the House, and fetch and carry, and do all that he commandeth thee to do; but the Levee day is for the glorification of the Minister thy Lord: In it thou shalt do no work in the House, but shalt wait upon him, thou, and thy daughter, and thy wife, and the Members that are within his influence; for on other days the Minister is inaccessible, but delighteth in the Levee day; wherefore the Minister appointed the Levee day, and chatteth thereon familiarly, and is amused with it.

V. Honour the Regent and the helmets of the Life Guards, that thy stay may be long in the Place, which the Lord thy Minister giveth thee.

VI. Thou shalt not call starving to death murder.

VII. Thou shalt not call Royal gallivanting adultery.

VIII. Thou shalt not say, that to rob the Public is to steal.

IX. Thou shalt bear false witness against the people.

X. Thou shalt not covet the People’s applause, thou shalt not covet the People’s praise, nor their good name, nor their esteem, nor their reverence, nor any reward that is theirs.

Q. What dost thou chiefly learn by these Commandments?

A. I learn two things――my duty towards the Minister, and my duty towards myself.

Q. What is thy duty towards the Minister?

A. My duty towards the Minister is, to trust him as much as I can; to fear him; to honour him with all my words, with all my bows, with all my scrapes, and all my cringes; to flatter him; to give him thanks; to give up my whole soul to him; to idolize his name, and obey his word; and serve him blindly all the days of his political life.

Q. What is thy duty towards thyself?

A. My duty towards myself is to love nobody but myself, and to do unto most men what I would not that they should do unto me; to sacrifice unto my own interest even my father and mother; to pay little reverence to the King, but to compensate that omission by my servility to all that are put in authority under him; to lick the dust under the feet of my superiors, and to shake a rod of iron over the backs of my inferiors; to spare the People by neither word nor deed; to observe neither truth nor justice in my dealings with them; to bear them malice and hatred in my heart; and where their wives and properties are concerned, to keep my body neither in temperance, soberness, nor chastity, but to give my hands to picking and stealing, and my tongue to evil speaking and lying, and slander of their efforts to defend their liberties and recover their rights; never failing to envy their privileges, and to learn to get the Pensions of myself and my colleagues out of the People’s labour, and to do my duty in that department of public plunder unto which it shall please the Minister to call me.

Q. My good Courtier, know this, that thou art not able of thyself to preserve the Minister’s favour, nor to walk in his Commandments, nor to serve him, without his special protection; which thou must at all times learn to obtain by diligent application. Let me hear, therefore, if thou canst rehearse the Minister’s Memorial.

Answer.

Our Lord who art in the Treasury, whatsoever be thy name, thy power be prolonged, thy will be done throughout the empire, as it is in each session. Give us our usual sops, and forgive us our occasional absences on divisions; as we promise not to forgive them that divide against thee. Turn us not out of our places; but keep us in the House of Commons, the land of Pensions and Plenty; and deliver us from the People. Amen.

Q. What desirest thou of the Minister in this Memorial?

A. I desire the Minister, our Patron, who is the disposer of the Nation’s overstrained Taxation, to give his protection unto me and to all Pensioners and Placemen, that we may vote for him, serve him, and obey him, as far as we find it convenient; and I beseech the Minister that he will give us all things that be needful, both for our reputation and appearance in the House and out of it; that he will be favourable to us, and forgive us our negligence; that it will please him to save and defend us, in all dangers of life and limb, from the People, our natural enemies; and that he will help us in fleecing and grinding them; and this I trust he will do out of care for himself, and our support of him through our corruption and influence; and therefore I say Amen. So be it.

Q. How many Tests hath the Minister ordained?

A. Two only, as generally necessary to elevation; (that is to say) Passive Obedience and Bribery.

Q. What meanest thou by this word Test?

A. I mean an outward visible sign of an inward intellectual meanness, ordained by the Minister himself as a pledge to assure him thereof.

Q. How many parts are there in this Test?

A. Two; the outward visible sign, and the intellectual meanness.

Q. What is the outward visible sign or form of Passive Obedience?

A. Dangling at the Minister’s heels, whereby the person is degraded beneath the baseness of a slave, in the character of a Pensioner, Placeman, Expectant Parasite, Toadeater, or Lord of the Bedchamber.

Q. What is the inward intellectual meanness?

A. A death unto Freedom, a subjection unto perpetual Thraldom; for being by nature born free, and the children of Independence, we are hereby made children of Slavery.

Q. What is required of persons submitting to the Test of Passive Obedience?

A. Apostacy, whereby they forsake Liberty; and faith, whereby they stedfastly believe the promises of the Minister, made to them upon submitting to that Test.

Q. Why was the Test of Bribery ordained?

A. For the continual support of the Minister’s influence, and the feeding of us, his needy creatures and sycophants.

Q. What is the outward part or sign in the Test of Bribery?

A. Bank notes, which the Minister hath commanded to be offered by his dependants.

Q. Why then are beggars submitted to this Test, when by reason of their poverty they are not able to go through the necessary forms?

A. Because they promise them by their Sureties; which promise, when they come to lucrative offices, they themselves are bound to perform.

Q. What is the inward part, or thing signified?

A. The industry and wealth of the People, which are verily and indeed taken and had by Pensioners and Sinecurists, in their Corruption.

Q. What are the benefits whereof you are partakers thereby?

A. The weakening and impoverishing the People, through the loss of their Liberty and Property, while our wealth becomes enormous, and our pride intolerable.

Q. What is required of them who submit to the Test of Bribery and Corruption?

A. To examine themselves, whether they repent them truly of any signs of former honour and patriotism, stedfastly purposing henceforward to be faithful towards the Minister; to draw on and off like his glove, to crouch to him like a spaniel; to purvey for him like a jackall; to be as supple to him as Alderman Sir WILLIAM TURTLE; to have the most lively faith in the Funds, especially in the Sinking Fund; to believe the words of Lord CASTLEREAGH alone; to have remembrance of nothing but what is in the Courier; to hate MATTHEW WOOD, the present Lord Mayor, and his second Mayoralty; with all our heart, with all our mind, with all our soul, and with all our strength; to admire Sir JOHN SILVESTER, the Recorder, and Mr. JOHN LANGLEY; and to be in charity with those only who have something to give.

[Here endeth the Catechism.]

――――

THE POLITICAL LITANY.

¶ Here followeth the Litany, or General Supplication, to be said or sung at all times when thereunto especially moved.

O Prince, ruler of the people, have mercy upon us thy miserable subjects.

O Prince, ruler, &c.

O House of Lords, hereditary legislators, have mercy upon us, pension-paying subjects.

O House of Lords, &c.

O House of Commons, proceeding from corrupt borough-mongers, have mercy upon us, your should-be constituents.

O House of Commons, &c.

O gracious, noble, right honourable, and learned rulers of our land, three estates in one state, have mercy upon us, a poverty-stricken people.

O gracious, noble, &c.

Remember not, most gracious, most noble, right honourable, and honourable gentlemen, our past riches, nor the riches of our forefathers; neither continue to tax us according to our long-lost ability――spare us, good rulers; spare the people who have supported ye with their labour, and spilt their most precious blood in your quarrels; O consume us not utterly,

Spare us, good Prince.

From an unnational debt; from unmerited pensions and sinecure places; from an extravagant civil list; and from utter starvation,

Good Prince, deliver us.

From the blind imbecility of ministers; from the pride and vain-glory of warlike establishments in time of peace,

Good Prince, deliver us.

From all the deadly sins attendant on a corrupt method of election; from all the deceits of the pensioned hirelings of the press,

Good Prince, deliver us.

From taxes levied by distress; from jails crowded with debtors; from poor-houses overflowing with paupers,

Good Prince, deliver us.

From a Parliament chosen only by one-tenth of the taxpayers; from taxes raised to pay wholesale human butchers their subsidies; from the false doctrines, heresy, and schism, which have obscured our once-glorious constitution; from conspiracies against the liberty of the people; and from obstacles thrown in the way of the exertion of our natural and constitutional rights,

Good Prince, deliver us.

By your feelings as men; by your interests as members of civil society; by your duty as Christians,

O Rulers, deliver us.

By the deprivation of millions――by the sighs of the widow――by the tears of the orphan――by the groans of the aged in distress――by the wants of all classes in the community, except your own and your dependents,

O Rulers, deliver us.

In this time of tribulation――in this time of want of labour to thousands, and of unrequited labour to tens of thousands――in this time of sudden death from want of food,

O Rulers, deliver us.

We people do beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers; and that it may please ye to rule and govern us constitutionally in the right way;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to keep yourselves in all sobriety, temperance, and honesty of life――that ye spend not extravagantly the money raised from the production of our labours, nor take for yourselves that which ye need not;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to keep your hearts in fear of oppression, and in love of justice; and that ye may evermore have affiance in our affection, rather than in the bayonets of an hired soldiery;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to be our defenders and keepers, giving us the victory over all our enemies, and redressing the grievances under which we labour;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to lessen the cares of the world unto all Bishops and Church Dignitaries; giving their superabundance to the poor clergy, and no longer taxing us for their support;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to place within the bounds of economy the expenditure of all the Royal Family;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to deprive the Lords of the Council, and all the nobility, of all money paid out of the taxes which they have not earned;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to direct all Magistrates to give up their advanced salaries, which the times no longer render necessary, and to content themselves with their former stipends;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to bless all the people with equal representation, and to keep them safe from borough-mongering factions;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye so to govern us, that unity, peace, and concord, may prevail throughout the nation, and the voice of tumult and dissatisfaction be no more heard in our streets;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to give unto all people all their rights as citizens, whatever may be the mode in which their consciences may impel them to worship their Creator, and whatever the creed to which their judgments assent;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to bring into the way of truth those apostates who have erred therefrom, and have deceived us;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to strengthen all such as do stand up for the legal and constitutional rights of the people; to comfort and help the weak-hearted, who want courage in our behalf; to raise up such as do fall; and, finally, to beat down corruption under our feet;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye not to tax “until the brow of labour sweats in vain;” but to succour and comfort all that are in necessity and tribulation;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to shew pity to all who are prisoners and captives for the people’s sake, or through the oppressive expenses of the laws;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to appropriate the 200,000l. annually paid to Members of Parliament, contrary to an ancient law, as a provision for fatherless children and widows, and all that are desolate and oppressed;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to have mercy upon us all;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to turn the hearts of our enemies, persecutors, and slanderers, by withdrawing their pensions and emoluments, that they may no longer call us a “rabble,” the “swinish multitude,” or “ragamuffins,” but may once more style us “the real strength of the nation,”――“the body, without which a head is useless;”

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to give and preserve to our use the kindly fruits of the earth, untaxed by men in black, whom those who wish for their instruction ought alone to support;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to abolish and destroy all sinecure places, and worthless pensions; to utterly purge and root out all wrong-doers; to thoroughly correct the present misrepresentation of the people, by an effectual Reform in Parliament; and otherwise to do, or cause to be done, such further and other acts and deeds, as shall or may conduce to the true interest and benefit of the whole commonwealth;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to lead and strengthen GEORGE Prince of Wales, our present REGENT, in the true fear and knowledge of the principles whereon the people of this commonwealth placed their crown on the head of his ancestors, and continue it towards him; and that it may please ye, as much as in ye lie, to keep and defend him from battle and murder, and sudden death, and from fornication, and all other deadly sin;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to put on short allowance all Bishops, Priests, and Deacons, that their fleshly appetites being reduced, their spiritual-mindedness may be thereby increased and so that both by their preaching and living they may set it forth, and show it accordingly;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to take to yourselves true repentance, inasmuch as ye have erred from the way of your forefathers; and amend your method of governing according to our free constitution;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

Son of George, we beseech thee to hear us.

Son of George, we beseech thee, &c.

O House of Lords, that takest away so many tens of thousands of pounds in pensions,

Have mercy upon us.

O House of Commons, that votest away the money of the whole nation, instead of that of those only who elect you;

Have mercy upon us.

O Prince, hear us.

O Prince, hear us.

George, have mercy upon us.

George, have mercy upon us.

O House of Lords, have mercy upon us.

O House of Lords, have mercy upon us.

O House of Commons, have mercy upon us.

O House of Commons, have mercy upon us.

[Here endeth the Litany.]

――――

¶ THE COLLECT TO BE USED BY HIS MAJESTY’S MINISTERS

Beginneth thus:

Lighten our darkness, we beseech thee, &c.

¶ By whom the following may be used in ordinary.

The Grace of our Lord GEORGE the PRINCE REGENT, and the Love of LOUIS the XVIII., and the fellowship of the Pope, be with us all evermore. Amen.

――――:o:――――

THE SINECURIST’S CREED OR BELIEF.

¶ Upon all suitable occasions may be sung or said the following CONFESSION――upstanding and uncovered.

Quicunque vult.

Whosoever will be a Sinecurist: before all things it is necessary that he hold a place of profit.

Which place except every Sinecurist do receive the salary for, and do no service: without doubt it is no Sinecure.

And a Sinecurist’s duty is this: that he divide with the Ministry and be with the Ministry in a Majority.

Neither confounding the Persons, nor dividing with the Opposition.

For there is One Ministry of Old Bags,[340] another of Derry Down Triangle:[341] and another of the Doctor.[342] But the Ministry of Old Bags, of Derry Down Triangle,[343] and of the Doctor, is all one: the folly equal, the profusion coeternal.

Such as Old Bags is, such is Derry Down Triangle: and such is the Doctor.

Old Bags a Mountebank, Derry Down Triangle a Mountebank: the Doctor a Mountebank.

Old Bags incomprehensible, Derry Down Triangle incomprehensible: the Doctor incomprehensible.

Old Bags a Humbug, Derry Down Triangle a Humbug: and the Doctor a Humbug.

And yet they are not three Humbugs: but one Humbug.

As also they are not three incomprehensibles, nor three Mountebanks: but one Mountebank, and one incomprehensible.

So likewise Old Bags is All-twattle,[344] Derry Down Triangle All-twattle: and the Doctor All-twattle.

And yet they are not three All-twattles: but one All-twattle.

So Old Bags is a Quack, Derry Down Triangle is a Quack: and the Doctor is a Quack.

And yet they are not three Quacks: but one Quack.

So likewise Old Bags is a Fool, Derry Down Triangle is a Fool: and the Doctor is a Fool.

And yet not three Fools: but one Fool.

For like as we are compelled by real verity to acknowledge every Minister by himself to be Quack and Fool;

So are we forbidden by state etiquette to say there be three Quacks, or three Fools.

Derry Down Triangle is made of none: neither born nor begotten.

Old Bags is of himself alone; a Lawyer bred, a Lord created, by the Father begotten.

The Doctor is of Old Bags, and of Derry Down Triangle: neither made, nor created, nor begotten, but proceeding.

So there is one Old Bags, not three Old Bags: one Derry Down Triangle, not three Triangles: one Doctor, not three Doctors.

And in this ministry none is afore or after the other: none is greater or less than another.

But the whole three Ministers are co-Charlatans together, and co-Tricksters.

So that, in all things, as is aforesaid: the Majority with the Ministry, and the Ministry in the Majority, is to be worshipped.

He therefore that will be a Sinecurist, must thus think of the Ministry.

Furthermore it is necessary to his Sinecure’s preservation: that he also believe rightly the mystification of Derry Down Triangle.

For the Sinecurist’s right faith is, that he believe and confess: that Derry Down Triangle, the queue of the Ministry of the great man now no more, is now both Minister and Manager.

Minister, first selling the substance of his own country to this: Manager scattering the substance of this over all the world;

Perfect Knave and perfect Fool: of unsparing despotic views――on overstrained taxation subsisting;

Equal to Old Bags as touching grave Trickery: and inferior to the Doctor as touching his Mummery.

Who although he be Knave and Fool, yet he is not two, but one Minister;

One; not by a conversion of the Charlatan into the Minister; but by shooting a more showy juggler, who wanted, and still wants, to be a Minister.

One altogether; squandering in profusion our substance: by votes of corrupt Majorities.

For as by power of Dupery, and our Money, he makes whom he will his own; so by Intrigue and Cajolery, he is Minister:――

Who to talk for our Salvation, descended to kiss the Nethermost End of Tally-high-ho; and rose again as a giant refreshed;

He ascended into a higher place, he sitteth at the right hand of the Chair; from whence he shall hear how those who being starved――‘by the Visitation of God’――became Dead.

At whose nodding all Sinecurists shall rise again, and again; and with their voices cry Aye! Aye! and the Laureate[345] in token of joy, shall mournfully chaunt the most doleful Lay in his Works.

And they that have said Aye! Aye! shall go into place everlasting; and they that have said No! shall go into everlasting Minorities.

And COLERIDGE shall have a Jew’s Harp, and a Rabbinical Talmud, and a Roman Missal: and WORDSWORTH shall have a Psalter, and a Primer, and a Reading Easy; and unto SOUTHEY’S pension Sack-but shall be duly added: and with Harp, Sack-but, and Psaltery, they shall make merry, and discover themselves before Derry Down Triangle, and HUM his most gracious Master, whose Kingdom shall have no end.

This is the Sinecurist’s duty, from doing more than which, except he abstain faithfully, he cannot be a Sinecurist.

¶ Glory be to old Bags, and to Derry Down Triangle, and to the Doctor.

As it was in the Beginning, is now, and ever shall be, if such things be, without end. Amen.

[Here endeth the Creed or Belief.]

――――

Hone was then a poor, friendless man, whom the Government meant to crush by fine and imprisonment in case of conviction. But his triumphant acquittal on each of the three trials had effects exactly opposite to those they anticipated. The legality of his publications being fully established, and public curiosity being aroused, large numbers of the tracts were sold; Hone, instead of being ruined, found himself the hero of the day, with public sympathy in his favour, and a rapidly increasing business. The popular Alderman, Robert Waithman, M.P. for London, interested himself in the case, and presided over a public meeting at which the following resolutions were passed:――

At a MEETING of the FRIENDS of the LIBERTY of the PRESS and TRIAL by JURY, held at the City of London Tavern, on Monday, December 29, 1817,

Mr. WAITHMAN in the Chair,

Resolved unanimously,

1. That the Liberty of the Press is one of the dearest rights and proudest distinctions of Englishmen, and is inseparably connected with, and wholly dependent on the purity of the Trial by Jury.

2. That the inestimable importance of the sacred and constitutional right of Trial by Jury has never been more demonstratively proved than by the recent prosecutions and honourable acquittals of Mr. William Hone.

3. That Parodies on Scripture having been written and published by Martin Luther, the Father of the Reformation, by Dignitaries of the Church, and by other eminent and learned personages down to the present time, we are persuaded that the exception taken to the parodies of Mr. Hone by the present Ministers of the Crown was to answer political purposes against the Liberty of the Press.

4. That a hypocritical prostitution of Religion, and a pretended zeal for its defence, when used by corrupt Statesmen as a mask for political persecution, must ever be held by all sincere Christians as the worst profanation of its sacred name.

5. That it is evident, from the manner in which those prosecutions were commenced and conducted, that the real object of Ministers was not to protect Religion, but to crush an apparently defenceless individual who had exposed their political delinquencies, to stifle public discussion, to destroy the Liberty of the Press, and to uphold existing abuse.

6. That the extensive knowledge, the varied talents, the manly intrepidity, the energy of mind, and the unshaken perseverance, which enabled Mr. Willian Hone so dauntlessly to resist the reiterated assaults of Ministerial persecution, entitle him to the gratitude and support of every friend to constitutional freedom.

7. That a subscription be now opened, and that the money which may be subscribed be placed in the hands of a Committee, to be used in such way as shall appear to them best calculated to promote the permanent welfare of Mr. Hone and his family.

8. That the following Gentlemen be of the Committee――Alderman Goodbehere, Alderman Thorp, Robert Waithman, Joseph Hurcombe, William Sturch, Samuel Brooks, William Williams, William Teasdale.

9. That Robert Waithman, Esq., be the Treasurer.

10. That the Thanks of this Meeting are due to Sir Francis Burdett, Bart., for his spontaneous offers of cooperation with the Gentlemen originating the Subscription, in strict conformity with a life of pure patriotism and love of country.

11. That the Thanks of this Meeting are hereby cordially given to Mr. Charles Pearson, for his manly and successful struggle in correcting the corrupt system of packing Juries, which has contributed so essentially toward the present triumph; and especially for the gratuitous advice and assistance given to Mr. Hone throughout the whole of the prosecutions, affording a rare example to his profession of zeal, independance, and disinterestedness.

12. That the Thanks of this Meeting be given to Lord Cochrane, for his zealous endeavours on the present occasion.

ROBERT WAITHMAN, Chairman.

13. That the Thanks of this Meeting be given to Mr. Waithman, for his conduct in the Chair, and for his exertions upon all occasions to support the cause of liberty.

W. STURCH.

PALINODE, 1600.

Amorphus and Phantaste.

Amo. From Spanish shrugs, French faces, smirks, irps, and all affected humours, CHORUS――Good Mercury, defend us.

Pha. From secret friends, sweet servants, loves, doves, and such phantastique humours, Good Mercury, defend us.

Amo. From stabbing of arms, flap-dragons, healths, whiffes, and all such swaggering humours, Good Mercury, defend us.

Pha. From waving fannes, coy glances, glickes, cringes, and all such simpering humours, Good Mercury, defend us.

Amo. From making love by attorney, courting of puppets, and paying for new acquaintance, Good Mercury, deliver us.

Pha. From perfumed dogs, monkeys, sparrows, and parachitoes, Good Mercury, defend us.

Amo. From wearing bracelets of hair, shoe-ties, gloves, garters, and rings with posies, Good Mercury, defend us.

Pha. From pargetting, painting, slicking, glazing, and renewing old rivelled faces, Good Mercury, defend us.

Amo. From squiring to tilt-yards, play houses, pageants, and all such public places, Good Mercury, defend us.

Pha. From entertaining one gallant to gull another, and make fools of either, Good Mercury, defend us.

Amo. From belying ladies’ favours, nobleman’s countenance, coining counterfeit employments, vainglorious taking to them other men’s services, and all self-loving humours, Good Mercury, defend us.

From Cynthia’s Revels, by Ben Jonson.

This satire was first acted in the year 1600, by the children of Queen Elizabeth’s Chapel, with permission of the master of the revels, the passage above quoted is one of the earliest imitations of the Church of England services, as by Law established.

――――:o:――――

The following examples are taken from “The Rump; or, an exact Collection of the Choycest Poems and Songs relating to the Late Times. By the most Eminent Wits, from Anno 1639 to Anno 1661.” London, 1662.

These poems were all written by the Cavaliers in support of Arbitrary power in Church and State, and against the Commonwealthmen, Puritans, and Dissenters:

A LETANY FOR THE NEW YEAR.

From all and more than I have written here, I wish you well protected this New Year; From Civil War, and such uncivil things As ruine Law and Gospel, Priests and Kings; From those who for self-ends would all betray, From such new Saints that pistol when they pray, From flattering Faces with infernal Souls, From new Reformers, such as pull down Pauls, From linsey-wolsey Lords, from Town-betrayers, From Apron-preachers and Extempore Prayers, From Pulpit Blasphemy, and bold Rebellion, From Blood and――something else that I could tell ye on, From new False Teachers which destroy the old, From those that turn the Gospel into Gold, From that black Pack where Clubs are always Trump, From Bodies Politique and from the Rump, From those that ruine when they should repair, From such as cut off Heads instead of Hair, From twelve-months Taxes and Abortive Votes. From chargeable Nurse-Children in red Coats, From such as sell their Souls to save their Sums, From City Charters that make heads for Drums, From Magistrates which have no truth or knowledge, From the Red Students now in Gresham College, From Governments erected by the Rabble, From sweet Sir Arthur’s Knights of the round Table. From City-Saints whose Anagram is Stains, From Plots and being choak’d with our own Chains, From these and ten times more which may ensue, The Poet prays, Good Lord deliver you.

――――

THE CITY OF LONDON’S NEW LETANY.

From Rumps that do Rule against Customes and Laws, From a fardle of Fancies stil’d a Good Old Cause, From Wives that have nails which are sharper than claws, Good Jove, deliver us.

From Men who seek right where it’s not to be had, From such who seek good where all things are bad, From Wise Men far worse than fools or men mad, Good Jove, &c.

From Soldiers that wrack the poor out of doors, From Rumps that stuff Coffers to pleasure their Whores, Which they secretly squeeze from Commonwealth scores, Good Jove, &c.

From Knaves that doe pocket good Subjects estates, From such that give Plaisters when they’ve broken our Pates, From Rumps that do Vote down our Postes, Chaines and Gates, Good Jove, &c.

From souldiers who mutiny for want of their pay, And at last go sneaking without it away, Crying, they hope for a far better day, Good Jove, &c.

From one who brought Forces to fill up the Town, That when Rumps were at highest he might pull them down. Because he himself doth aim at the Crown, Good Jove, &c.

* * * * *

From men who make use of their Friends in the nick, And when the Brunt’s over against them do kick, The thoughts of such Varlets do make my Muse sick, Good night, good people all!

In the same collection there are several other imitations of less interest, one commences thus:

From Villany drest in the Doublet of Zeal, From three Kingdoms bak’d in one Common weal, From a gleek of Lord Keepers of one poor Seal, Libera nos, &c.

Another thus:

That if it please thee to assist Our Agitators, and their List, And Hemp them with a gentle twist, Quesumus te, &c.

That it may please thee to suppose Our actions are as good as those That gull the people through the Nose, Quesumus, te, &c.

And two others, the refrain of one being:

From a Rump insatiate as the Sea, Libera nos Domine.

and of the other:

From Fools and Knaves, in our Parliament free Libera nos Domine.

――――:o:――――

The following is taken from the “Collection of the newest and most ingenious Poems, &c. against Popery,” in quarto, published soon after the Revolution, it refers to the birth of the son of James II., afterwards styled the Pretender.

A NEW PROTESTANT LITANY.

From Cobweb-Lawn Charters, from sham-freedom banters, Our Liberty-keepers and new Gospel-planters, And the trusty kind hands of our great Quo Warrantos, Libera Nos, &c.

From High-Court Commissions, to Rome to re-join us, From a Rhadamanth Chancellor, the Western Judge Minos, Made Head of our Church by new Jure Divino’s, Libera Nos, &c.

From a new-found Stone Doublet, to th’ old Sleeve of Lawn, And all to make room for the Pope-Lander-Spawn; To see a Babe born, through bed-curtains close drawn, Libera Nos, &c.

From resolving o’er night, where to lye-in to-morrow, And from cunning back-door to let Midwife thorow, Eight months ful-grown man child, born without pang or sorrow, Libera Nos, &c.

From a God-father Pope, to the Heir of a Throne; From three Christian names to one Sir-name unknown, With a Tyler milch-nurse, now the Mother’s milk’s gone, Libera Nos, &c.

There was one in the second part of the same Collection beginning――

From immoderate fines and defamation, From Braddon’s merciless subornation, And from a bar of assassination, Libera nos, Domine.

From a body that’s English, a mind that is French, From a Lawyer that scolds like an oyster wench, And from the new Bonner upon the Bench, Libera nos, Domine, &c.

――――

THE POOR MAN’S LITANY. (About 1810.)

From four pounds of Bread, at Sixteen-pence price, And Butter at Eighteen, though not very nice, And Cheese at a Shilling, though gnaw’d by the mice, Good Lord, deliver us!

From stale Clods of Beef, at a Shilling a pound, Which, in summer, with fly-blows and maggots abound, Or dried by the wind, and scarce fit for a hound, Good Lord, deliver us!

From the Tax upon Income, invented by Pitt, Though the Great Ones contrive to lose nothing by it, Yet we who have little are sure to be bit, Good Lord, deliver us!

From Taxes Assess’d, now rais’d at a nod, While Inspectors rule o’er us with their iron rod, And expect homage paid them like some demi-god, Good Lord, deliver us!

From Forestallers, Regraters, and all that curs’d train, Who, to swell out their bags, will hoard up the grain, Against which we cry out with our might and main, Good Lord, deliver us!

From a Workhouse where hunger and poverty rage, And distinction’s a stranger to birth, sex, or age; Lame and Blind, all must work, or be coop’d in a cage, Good Lord, deliver us!

From six in a bed in those mansions of woe, Where nothing but beards, nails, and vermin do grow, And from picking of Oakum in cellars below, Good Lord, deliver us!

From Stickings of Beef, old, withered, and tough, Bread, like Saw-dust and Bran, and of that not enough, And scarcely a rag to cover our Buff, Good Lord, deliver us!

From the tantalized sight of viewing the Great Luxuriously rolling in coaches of state, While thousands are starving――for something to eat, Good Lord, deliver us!

From feasts and rejoicings, ye Gluttons, abstain, Since the blessings you boast of but give the Poor pain, And of which one and all so loudly complain, Good Lord, deliver us!

But these Burthens remov’d, then united we’ll pray, Both the young and the old, the grave and the gay―― “May the Rulers be happy, and live to be grey;” Rejoice then, ye Britons, that’s our Jubilee day, We beseech thee to hear us, Good Lord.

――――

THE NOBLEMAN’S LITANY.

O Aristocracy! Government divine!! have mercy upon us miserable place-men.

O Aristocracy, Government divine, &c.

Stars, Garters, and Promotions, proceeding from Aristocracy, and power, have mercy upon us miserable place-men.

Stars, Garters, and Promotions, &c.

Remember not our offences, nor the offences of our forefathers when in office,――neither take from us our places or our pensions. Spare us, Aristocracy――spare the creatures though hast raised, and be not angry with thy servants.

Aristocracy, spare us!

From all Democracy, and new-fangled doctrines,

Aristocracy, deliver us!

From fish-women, mobs, and lamp posts,

Aristocracy, deliver us!

From national assemblies, national guards, and national cockades,

Aristocracy, deliver us!

From people who judge for themselves, and pretend to the rights of man,

Aristocracy, deliver us!

From TOM PAINE’S rabble and inflammatory pamphlets,

Aristocracy, deliver us!

From the insertion of paragraphs foreign to thy laws, and the liberty of the Press in general,

Aristocracy, deliver us!

From all revolution meetings, and Ca Ira clubs,

Aristocracy, deliver us!

From all investigations and reforms,

Aristocracy, deliver us!

We place-men do beseech thee to hear us, O Aristocracy, and that it may please thee to govern the Church in thine own way.

Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.

That it may please thee to illuminate the head of our governor, and make it rich in understanding,

Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.

That it may please thee to bless and preserve the governor’s wife, and keep her from all uncharitableness.

Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.

That it may please thee to shower down fat livings on all righteous pastors of the Church, so that they may enjoy every luxury, and by their preaching and living shew it accordingly.

Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.

That it may please thee to preserve for our use, the kindly fruits of the earth, and all the game thereof, so that no other may enjoy them.

Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.

That it may please thee to protect such as are in power, both in Church and State; to raise up them that fall; and finally, to beat down farmers, curates, and shopkeepers, beneath our feet,

Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.

――――

THE LONDONER’S PETITION.

From shrinkers and shufflers, and shelvers and shirks, From Parochial harangues and from corporate quirks, From the Board of many Words and no Works, From speech-making men.

From the pestilent flow of London’s sewage, From the further pollution of old Thames’ brewage. From the works of the old and the talk of the new age, Save us, Big Ben!

From MR. HARRISON’S endless motions, From amateur engineering notions, From Erith and Plumstead sewage oceans, Within one mile or ten.

From penny-wisdom and pound-foolishness, From pipe-maker’s quarrels, and Bumbledom’s mulishness, From H. L. TAYLOR’S obstinate owlishness, Save us, Big Ben!

From a thirty-six vestry-power of dilating, Disputing, discussing, protesting and prating, From a thirty-six vestry-pow’er of rating, Where they like it and when.

From plans propounded only to shelve, From the right our streets to dig and to delve, Into sewers to be tide-locked eight hours out of twelve, Then let loose again.

From centralisation and localisation, “Pipe versus brick” quarrel and imputation, Cuckoo-cries, vested rights, and vestrification, Save us, Big Ben!

Punch. December 13, 1856.

――――

A DISH OF FACTS AND SCRAPS.

Friends and fellow-countrymen, no matter where you come from, or whether your mugs be black, white, or whitey brown, you are called upon this day to assemble and meet together to show your sympathy with suffering France, and although we ought at all times to love our neighbours as ourselves, yet it becomes us to look at home and take care of number one.

Now the well-known sufferings of the children of France have called forth the indignation of the Republicans of England, and they held meetings with the view of showing their sympathy for them.

And Nappy the Little was enjoying himself in the green fields of Kent, and the Prussian Bully laughed in his sleeve, saying “I will now let them alone, and they will be like unto the Kilkenny cats, they will fight on till there is nothing left but their precious tails.”

But the patriots of St. James’s Hall shouted, “Long live the Republic!” and Georgy (Odger), the man of wax responded, Amen!

Now about the same time the people of England were at loggerheads with the shovel-hatted gentry that infest the upper house of St. Stephen’s, inasmuch as they had rejected measures in spite of the people; and they said, it is not only illegal, but it is naughty for a man to marry the sister of a wife that is dead, excepting when it is to suit the coronetted gentry, and then it is quite a horse of another colour.

But the people communed together, saying, swallow the bill you must, or we will bring in a bill for a man to marry his grandmother, or off come your hats and silk aprons, and we will pack you away to the salt lake to dwell amongst the Mormons.

And Bruce, of cab flag notoriety, is doing his best to stop a man’s beer, by trying to close the houses for the sale of double stout. But he must mind his eye, or he will put his foot in it, and his licensing dodge will share the same fate as his never-to-be-forgotten cab act.

And the people said, who is he that interfereth with the liberties of the working men. Better for him that he had a millstone around his neck, and took a cold bath in the Serpentine.

And while these things were going on, Gladstone still slumbered, showing that he is like a barber’s block, neither use nor ornament.

Now behold, since the happy event of the wedding of the lucky Scotchman with our charming little lady Louise, the call for royal burgoo has been so great, that Scotch oatmeal has risen 50 per cent.

LET US SAY.

From all red hot babblers, who would cause us to burn our fingers. Common sense defend us!

Friends of peace and order save us!

From the tender mercies of such pious Kings as the Prussian Bully, Minister of war spare us.

Spare us, we implore thee.

And oh, ye silk aproned gentry, play not too much with the rights of Englishmen, or you will be swept from the floor of St. Stephen’s, and be compelled to earn an honest living.

And O most noble Secretary for Home affairs, we beg of you to throw up your present berth and turn teetotal spouter, for which you are more fit, and not try to rob a poor man of his beer by your new licencing dodge.

Spare us our beer, we beseech thee.

And Odger, stop up the mouths of our numerous oppressors with your lapstone of defiance, and spur up their shallow minds with your closing awl of reason, and remain for ever the true brick you always have been.

And O, Billy Gladstone, return to your duty as you promised the Electors of Greenwich and the whole of the working classes, or prepare to be sent to the imbecile ward of the nearest union.

And now may a hot joint and a pot of home brewed grace the tables of all who need it, and all our enemies be vaccinated by Old Nick on both shoulders.

So be it.

April, 1871.

――――

THE BOOK-LOVER’S LITANY.

From set spoilers and book borrowers, and from such as read in bed,

Kind Fate protect us.

From plate sneaks, portrait flickers, map tearers and from book thieves,

Kind Fate protect us.

From such as read with unwashed hands; from careless sneezers, snuff takers, and rheum voiders; from tobacco-ash droppers, grease slingers, and moth smashers; from leaf pressers and all unclean beasts,

Kind Fate protect us.

From margin slashers, letter-press clippers and page misplacers; from half-title wasters, original-cover losers, and lettering mis-spellers; from gilt daubers and all the tribe of botcher-binders,

Kind Fate protect us.

From heat and damp; from fire and mildew; from bookworms, flies and moths,

Kind Fate protect us.

From careless servants and removal fiends, and from all thoughtless women and children,

Kind Fate protect us.

From book-droppers and book wrenchers; from ink and pencil markers and scribblers; and from such as write their names on title-pages,

Kind Fate protect us.

From selling books by auction; from disposing of them by private sale and from all grave disasters,

Kind Fate protect us.

From truth economizing cataloguers; from two price booksellers; and from all disingenuous dealers,

Kind Fate protect us.

From “Bowdlerized” editions; from expurgators and all putters forth of incomplete editions,

Kind Fate protect us.

From all smatterers and pretenders; from all shallow and impertinent store assistants,

Kind Fate protect us.

From “appliance” lunatics, and library faddists; from “fonetic” cranks, and all that have shingles loose,

Kind Fate protect us.

From bibliotaphers and lock and key curmudgeons; and from all glass door bookcases,

Kind Fate protect us.

From wood pulp paper, and all chemical abominations; and from those that manufacture faint ink,

Kind Fate protect us.

From undated books, re-hashed engravings, and gaudy bindings; and from all “jerry” book-binders,

Kind Fate protect us.

From books that have no index, and from index makers in general,

Kind Fate protect us.

From all booksellers who are ignorant and pig-headed, and from them that do not advertise,

Kind Fate protect us.

H. L.

The Bookmart. January, 1887.

――――

“A Sturdy Beggars Litany to the Colossus of the Sun, or the City of London’s intended Petition to the late Prime Minister.” Being an accurate description of his last twenty years administration.

Printed by Hugo de Burgo, for the Company of Flying Stationers. (A Broadside sheet not dated.)

This referred to Horace Walpole, Don Carlos, the Queen of Spain, Vernon’s Sea Victory and Lord Scrope.

In the Protestant Tutor for Youth is “A New Litany” in rudely vigorous triplets. The twentieth runs:――

From Arbitrary Power defend us And let no wooden Shoes attend us, Still Liberty of Conscience send us.

There is also a parody of the Litany in Political Ballads, edited by W. Walker Wilkins. 2 Vols., 1860, and another, dated 1856, in a pamphlet on Capital Punishment addressed to Sir G. C. Lewis, by Arthur Trevelyan J. P., with “A Litany for the Gallows.” London, 1856.

The following are imitations of what is “commonly called”

THE CREED OF SAINT ATHANASIUS.

The first is taken from an old Collection of poems, called “The Foundling Hospital for Wit”:――

PROPER RULES AND INSTRUCTIONS, WITHOUT WHICH NO PERSON CAN BE AN EXCISEMAN.

Quicunque vult.

Whosoever would be an Exciseman, before all things it is necessary that he learns the Art of Arithmetic.

Which Art, unless he wholly understand, he without doubt can be no Exciseman.

Now the Art of Arithmetic is this, we know how to multiply and how to divide. Desunt pauca.

The 1 is a figure, the 2 a figure, and the 3 a figure.

The 1 is a number, the 2 a number, and the 3 a number; and yet there are Desunt plurima.

For like as we are compelled by the Rules of Arithmetic, to acknowledge every figure by itself to have signification and form:

So we are forbidden, by the rules of right reason, to say, that each of them have three significations or three powers.

The 2 is of the 1’s alone, not abstracted, nor depending, but produced.

The 3 is of the 1 and 2, not abstracted, nor depending,, nor produced, but derived. So there is one figure of 1. Desunt nonnulla.

He therefore that will be an Exciseman, must thus understand his figures.

Furthermore, it is necessary to the preservation of his place, that he also believe rightly the authority of his Supervisor.

For his interest is, that he believes and confesses that his Supervisor, the servant of the Commissioners, is master and man: Master of the Exciseman, having power from the Commissioners to inspect his books: and man to the Commissioners, being obliged to return his accounts.

Perfect master and perfect man, of an unconscionable soul and frail flesh subsisting; equal to the Commissioners, as touching that respect which is shown him by the Excisemen, and inferior to the Commissioners as touching their profit and salary.

Who, although he be master and man, is not two, but one Supervisor.

One, not by confusion of place, but by virtue of his authority; for his seal and sign manual perfect his commission; his gauging the vessels, and inspecting the Excisemens’ books, is what makes him Supervisor.

Who travels through thick and thin, and suffers most from heat or cold, to save us from the addition of taxes, or the deficiency in the funds, by corruption or inadvertency.

Who thrice in seven days goes his rounds, and once in six weeks meets the Collectors, who shall come to judge between the Exciseman and Victualler.

At whose coming all Excisemen shall bring in their accounts, and the Victuallers their money.

And they that have done well by prompt payment, shall be well treated.

And those that have done ill, by being tardy in their payment, shall be cast into jail; and the Excisemen whose books are blotted, or accounts unjustifiable, shall be turned out of their places.

These are the rules, which except a man follows, he cannot be an Exciseman.

Honour to the Commissioners, fatigue to the Supervisor, and bribery to the Exciseman.

As it was from the beginning, when taxes were first laid upon Malt, is now, and ever will be till the debts of the nation are paid. Amen.

――――

THE MATRIMONIAL CREED. To be used in all dwelling houses.

Whoever will be married, before all things it is necessary that he hold the conjugal faith, which is this, That there were two rational beings created, both equal, and yet one superior to the other; and the inferior shall bear rule over the superior; which faith, except every one do keep whole and undefiled, without doubt he shall be scolded at everlastingly.

The man is superior to the woman, and the woman is inferior to the man; yet both are equal, and the woman shall govern the man.

The woman is commanded to obey the man, and the man ought to obey the woman.

And yet, they are not two obedients, but one obedient.

For there is one dominion nominal of the husband, and another dominion real of the wife.

And yet, there are not two dominions, but one dominion.

For like as we are compelled by the Christian verity to acknowledge that wives must submit themselves to their husbands, and be subject to them in all things;

So are we forbidden by the Conjugal Faith to say, that they should be at all influenced by their wills or pay any regard to their commands.

The man was not created for the woman, but the woman for the man.

Yet the man shall be the slave of the woman, and the woman the tyrant of the man.

So that in all things, as is aforesaid, the subjection of the superior to the inferior is to be believed.

He, therefore, that will be married, must thus think of the woman and the man.

Furthermore, it is necessary to submissive Matrimony, that he also believe rightly the infallibility of the wife.

For the right faith is, that we believe and confess, that the wife is fallible and infallible.

Perfectly fallible, and perfectly infallible; of an erring soul and unerring mind subsisting; fallible as touching her human nature, and infallible as touching her female sex.

Who, although she be fallible and infallible, yet she is not two, but one woman; who submitted to lawful marriage, to acquire unlawful dominion; and promised religiously to obey, that she might rule in injustice and folly.

This is the Conjugal Faith; which except a man believe faithfully, he cannot enter the comfortable state of Matrimony.

From The Wonderful Magazine.

――――

A NEW POLITICAL CREED. FOR THE YEAR MDCCLXVI.

Quicunque vult.

Whoever will be saved: before all things it is necessary that he should hold the Chatham faith.

Which faith, except every man keep whole and undefiled without doubt he shall sink into oblivion.

And the Chatham faith is this: that we worship one Minister in Trinity, and the Trinity in Unity:

Neither confounding the persons, nor dividing the substance.

For the Privy Seal is a Minister, the Secretary is a Minister, and the Treasurer is a Minister.

Yet there are not three Ministers, but one Minister; for the Privy Seal, the Secretary, and the Treasurer are all one.

Such as the Privy Seal is, such is the Secretary, and such is the Treasurer.

The Privy Seal is self-create, the Secretary is self-create, and the Treasurer is self-create.

The Privy Seal is incomprehensible, the Secretary is incomprehensible, and the Treasurer is incomprehensible.

The Privy Seal is unresponsible, the Secretary is unresponsible, and the Treasurer is unresponsible.

And yet there are not three incomprehensibles, three self-created, or three unresponsibles: but one incomprehensible, one self-create, and one unresponsible.

For like as we are compelled by the Christian verity, to acknowledge every person by himself to be God and Lord;

So are we forbidden by the articles of the Chatham alliance, to say there are three Ministers:

So that in all things, the Unity in Trinity, and Trinity in Unity, are to be worshipped; and he who would be saved, must thus think of the Ministry.

Furthermore it is necessary to elevation, that he also believe rightly of the qualities of our Minister.

For the right faith is, that we believe and confess, that this son of man is something more than man; as total perfection, though of an unreasonable soul, and gouty flesh consisting.

Who suffered for our salvation, descended into opposition, rose again the third time, and ascended into the House of Peers.

He sitteth on the right hand of the ――――, from whence he shall come to judge the good and the bad.

And they that have done good, shall go into patent places, and they that have done bad, shall go into everlasting opposition.

This is the Chatham faith; which except a man believe faithfully, he cannot be promoted.

As he was in the beginning, he is now, and ever will be.

Then all the people, standing up, shall say,

O blessed and glorious Trinity, three persons and one Minister, have mercy on us miserable subjects.

This parody was written against Lord Chatham. It was published in The New Foundling Hospital for Wit. 1786.

――――

The following imitation was written by the Rev. Mr. Toplady, a very popular preacher amongst the Calvinists, who died greatly lamented, at a very early age. Mr. Toplady’s object was to ridicule Lord Chesterfield’s Letters, and the morals therein inculcated It was entitled――

“CHRISTIANITY REVERSED, &C.; or LORD CHESTERFIELD’S NEW CREED.

“I believe, that this world is the object of my hopes and morals; and that the little prettinesses of life will answer all the ends of human existence.

“I believe, that we are to succeed in all things, by the graces of civility and attention; that there is no sin, but against good manners; and that all religion and virtue consist in outward appearance.

“I believe, that all women are children, and all men fools; except a few cunning people, who see through the rest, and make their use of them.

“I believe, that hypocrisy and adultery, are within the lines of morality; that a woman may be honourable when she has lost her honour, and virtuous when she has lost her virtue.

“This, and whatever else is necessary to obtain my own ends, and bring me into repute, I resolve to follow; and to avoid all moral offences, such as scratching my head before company, spitting upon the floor, and omitting to pick up a lady’s fan And in this persuasion I will persevere, without any regard to the resurrection of the body, or the life everlasting. Amen.

“Q. Wilt thou be initiated into these principles?

“A. That is my inclination.

“Q. Wilt thou keep up to the rules of the Chesterfield morality?

“A. I will, Lord Chesterfield being my admonisher.

“Then the officiator shall say,

“Name this child.

“A. A FINE GENTLEMAN.

“Then he shall say,

“I introduce thee to the world, the flesh and the devil, that thou mayest triumph over all awkwardness, and grow up in all politeness; that thou mayest be acceptable to the ladies, celebrated for refined breeding, able to speak French and read Italian, invested with some public supernumerary character in a foreign Court, get into Parliament (perhaps into the Privy Council), and that, when thou art dead, the letters written to thy children, may be published, in seven editions, for the instruction of all sober families.

“Ye are to take care that this child, when he is of a proper age, be brought to Court, to be confirmed.”

――――

THE CREED OF ST. ATHANASIUS. Quicunque Vult.――(Shanghai Version.)

I. Whosoever will gain his cause, before all things it is necessary, that he understand the working of the Supreme Court.

II. Which if a man do not understand, without doubt he shall lose his dollars everlastingly.

III. And the condition of the Supreme Court is this, That there be one Judge, one assistant Judge, and one Law Secretary.

IV. The parties to a suit confound the persons, and the Court divideth the substance.

V. The Judge is incomprehensible, the Assistant Judge is more incomprehensible, and the Law Secretary most incomprehensible.

VI. And yet the decision of the Judge is not the decision of the Assistant Judge, and the decision of the Assistant Judge is not the decision of the Law Secretary.

VII. For like as we are compelled by the law of libel to say, the Judge is incorruptible, the Assistant Judge is incorruptible, and the Law Secretary is incorruptible.

VIII. So are we forbidden by the law of common sense to say, the Judge is infallible, the Assistant Judge is infallible, and the Law Secretary is infallible.

IX. And the doctrine of the Judge is this――That he was appointed for the sins of the people, and the hardness of heart of the Consuls.

X. The doctrine of the Assistant Judge is this: Equal to the Judge as touching the sign manual, but inferior to the Judge as touching beetle hunting.

XI. The doctrine of the Law Secretary is this――That he was neither made, created, nor appointed, but proceeding.

XII. Confusion to the Judge, and to the Assistant Judge, and to the Law Secretary.

XIII. As it was in the Levant, so shall it be in China, and (if they can find them) in Worlds without end.

――――:o:――――

THE POPULAR CREED.

An American Socialist has written the following as an expression of the real belief of the middle classes of the present day:――

“I believe in Capital, Father Almighty, maker of weal and woe, and of all things visible and invisible. And in one power, Usury and Increase, the only begotten Son of Capital, begotten of the Father before all dues. Money of money, wealth of wealth, very cash of very cash, begotten, not made, being of one substance with capital, and whereby all things are made; which for us men and for our perdition came forth from the bottomless; and was invented by ‘auri sacra fames,’ and incarnate of the virgin money, and was made gold, stamped, and established also for our fleecing under all governments. It is conjured with and buried and made to rise again, according to the bank books.

“And I believe in ‘auri sacra fames,’ the Lord and Giver of Business, which proceedeth from Capital and Interest, which with the Father and Son together are worshipped and glorified; which spake by the economists. And I believe in one all-gathering and illimitable Thrift. I acknowledge one and every dodge for the fleecing of the poor, and I look for the Kingdom of Iniquity and eternal plunder to come.――Amen.”

――――

THE GLADSTONIAN CREED.

Whosoever will be elected, before all things it is necessary that he hold the Gladstonian faith.

Which Faith, except every one do keep whole and undefiled, without doubt he shall perish politically.

And the Gladstonian faith is this, that we worship one Gladstone in Government and Government in Gladstone.

Neither confounding his person nor divining his meaning.

For there is one person in Gladstone, another in his Son, and not another near the post.

And yet not Two Gladstones, but One Gladstone.

One Bill holds the Field, not Another in the Field, so the rest nowhere.

One Gladstone Incomprehensible, One William Incomprehensible, and One Bill Incomprehensible.

And yet there are not Three Bills, but One Bill;

As also there are not Three Premiers, nor Three Incomprehensibles, but One Premier Incomprehensible.

Who begets invisible principle and policy of Himself, the only unimpeachable authority.

For like as we are compelled by the Gladstonian Faith to acknowledge all his policy to be great, good and gracious,

So we are forbidden by the Gladstonian Religion to say there be Queen, Cabinet, Lords or Commons;

And in this faith One is Afore and never after Another; One is Greater never less than another.

So that in all things as aforesaid, Verbosity against Unity――Surrender to Malignity――is to be worshipped.

Furthermore it is necessary for proper Qualification that he also believe rightly the mystification of the Grand Old Man.

For the right faith is that we believe and confess that the People’s William does good for mankind;

That he is perfect Genius and perfect Man and yet a reasonable Soul on Destructive Acts subsisting;

Equal to no one in Love of Office, and inferior to none in Design to retain it.

For as this reasonable Soul is Flesh and Blood, so Flesh and Blood cannot understand this reasonable Soul.

Who will permit any to suffer for his Salvation, and who hopes to rise again with his Bills from the Dead;

And whosoever follows shall enter as a Gladstonian politician, and he that does not may sink into political oblivion.

This is the Gladstonian faith, which except a man believe faithfully he cannot be elected.

June, 1886.

――――

HENRY BUCKLE’S CREED.

_This is the Creed, let no man chuckle, Of the great thinker Henry Buckle_:――

I believe in fire and water, And in fate, dame Nature’s daughter, Consciousness I set aside, The dissecting knife my guide. I believe in steam and rice, Not in virtue nor in vice; In what strikes the outward sense, Not in mind nor providence; In a stated course of crimes, In Macaulay and the “Times.” As for “truth” the ancients lost her; Plato was a great impostor. Morals are a vain illusion Leading only to confusion. Not in Latin nor in Greek Let us for instruction seek; Fools like Bossuet that might suit, Who had better have been mute; Let us study snakes and flies, And on fossils fix our eyes. Would we learn what men should do, Let us watch the Kangaroo! Would we know the mental march; It depends on dates and starch! I believe in all the gases As a means to raise the masses. Carbon animates ambition, Oxygen controls volition; Whatever’s good or great in men May be traced to hydrogen; And the body, not the soul, Governs the unfathom’d whole.

From Notes and Queries.

――――

Although The Pious Editor’s Creed in “The Biglow Papers” cannot be styled a parody, it is exquisitely humorous, but much too long to give in full:――

I du believe in Freedom’s cause Ez fur away ez Paris is; I love to see her stick her claws In them infarnal Pharisees; It’s wal enough agin a king To dror resolves an’ triggers,―― But libbaty’s a kind o’ thing, That don’t agree with niggers. * * * * * In short, I firmly du believe In Humbug generally, Fer it’s a thing thet I perceive To hev a solid vally; This heth my faithful shepherd ben, In pasturs sweet heth led me, An’ this ’ll keep the people green To feed ez they hev fed me.

――――:o:――――

In the works of the Right. Hon. Sir Charles Hanbury Williams there occurs a parody entitled――

THE LESSONS FOR THE DAY, 1742.

The First Lesson. ¶ Here beginneth the First Chapter of the Book of Preferment.

Now it came to pass in the 15th year of the reign of George the King, in the 2nd month, on the 10th day of the month at Even, that a deep sleep came upon me, the visions of the night possessed my spirit, I dreamed, and behold Robert[346] the minister came in unto the King, and besought him, saying:

O King, live for ever! let thy throne be established from generation to generation! but behold now the power which thou gavest unto thy servant is at an end, the Peterborough election is lost, and the enemies of thy servant triumph over him.

Wherefore now I pray thee, if I have found favour in thy sight, suffer thy servant to depart in peace, that my soul may bless thee.

And when he had spoken these words, he resigned unto the King his place as First Lord of the Treasury, his Chancellorship of the Exchequer, and all his other preferments.

* * * * *

This parody concludes with the following:――

OLD ENGLAND’S TE DEUM TO GEORGE THE THIRD.

We complain of Thee, O King, we acknowledge Thee to be an Hanoverian.

All Hungary doth Worship Thee, the Captain everlasting.

To Thee all Placemen cry aloud, the House of Lords and all the Courtiers therein.

To Thee, Carteret and Bath continually do cry,

Warlike, Warlike, Warlike, Captain General of the Armies! Brunswick and Lunenburgh are full of the brightness of our coin.

The venal Company of Peers praise Thee.

The goodly fellowship of Ministers praise Thee.

The noble Army of Hanoverians praise Thee.

The Holy Bench of Bishops throughout the land doth acknowledge Thee.

Thine honourable, true, and steady Son.

Also my Lady Yarmouth the comforter.

Thou art a glorious Prince, O King!

Thou art the ever charming Son of the Father.

When thou tookest upon Thee to deliver this nation, Thou didst not abhor thy Father’s example.

When Thou hadst overcome the sharpness of want, Thou didst open the smiles of thy favour to all believers in a court.

Thou sittest at the right hand of ―――― in the Treasury of the Father.

We believe that Thou shalt come to be our scourge.

We therefore pray Thee provide for thy servants, whom Thou hast fed with thy renown. Make them to be numbered with thy slaves in livery everlasting.

O King, spare thy people of England.

And now squeeze thy people of Hanover.

Govern them as Thou hast governed us,

And confine them to their turnips for ever.

Day by day we sing ballads unto Thee.

And we bawl against Hanover, ever world without end.

Vouchsafe, O King, to keep us this year without thy Hanoverians.

The Lord have mercy upon us; the Lord have mercy upon us.

O King, let thy Mercy lighten our Taxes, as our Credit should be in Thee.

O King in Thee have I trusted, let me not be confounded.

Valour be to the Father, common sense to the Son, and a young bed-fellow to the Countess of Yarmouth; as was not in the beginning, is not now, nor is ever like to be, world without end. Amen!

There is another parody of the Te Deum in Robert Southey’s Omniana (vol. 2. p. 41.) entitled Te Franciscum, and dated 1733, but it is of little interest.

――――

CATECHISM FOR THE MERIDIAN OF THE EXCHANGE.

Q. What is your name?

A. A Freeman.

Q. Who gave you this name?

A. The Candidates for a seat in the House of Commons.

Q. Wherein does your Freedom consist?

A. First. In having the liberty to eat, drink, and revel in debauchery, from the commencement of the canvass to the close of the poll, let that time be what it may;――and all that on free cost.

Secondly. In giving my vote to that Candidate or his friends, whom I shall conceive the most likely to serve my own private interest, without any regard to the comparative merits of the Candidates, or the welfare and prosperity of this Town and Kingdom.

Q. What sort of morality do you call this?

A. This I call political morality; and it is this morality which has the greatest influence on the conduct of very many electors.

Q. Are there no electors who vote on other principles?

A. Yes: there are some who think, judge, and compare before they promise; and then give their suffrage, so that their hearts may not reproach them, for a violation of those principles of morality, which ought to regulate the conduct of every man, especially if he professes to be a Christian.

Q. Is this promise binding, which has been obtained on a false statement of facts?

A. All Casuists say No; especially if it be to the injury of a third person.

N.B. FREEMEN, it must be well-known to you, that HENRY BROUGHAM and THOMAS CREEVEY are the Friends of Trade, Peace and Plenty, and have neither Place nor Pension; when it is equally notorious that GEORGE CANNING and ISAAC GASCOYNE are the Friends of War, Taxes, and Famine, and are now living on the Spoils of their Country.

From An impartial Collection of Addresses, Songs, Squibs, &c., published during the Liverpool Election, October 1812.

The Candidates were the Rt. Hon. George Canning; Lt.-Gen. Isaac Gascoigne; Henry Brougham; Thomas Creevey; and Gen. B. Tarlton. (Messrs. G. Canning and Gascoigne, both Tories, were elected.)

――――

THE INCOME-TAX CATECHISM.

Q. Why is the Income and Property-Tax so called?

A. Because it is a tax on the mere Income of some people, and on the whole Property of others.

Q. Of whom is it a tax on the Income only?

A. It is a tax on the Income only, and on no more than the Income, of those whose Income consists of rent, or of the interest of Property.

Q. Of whom is it a tax on the entire Property?

A. It is a tax on the entire Property of those whose Income consists of earnings, and who have no other Property than their Income.

Q. So it is called an Income-Tax when it is a tax on Income arising from Property, and a Property-Tax when it is a tax on Income not arising from Property?

A. Yes.

Q. If persons whose Income consists merely of earnings were taxed in the same proportion as those whose Incomes consist of dividends or of rents, how much Income-Tax would they have to pay?

A. At the utmost, sixteen pence in the pound on the interest of their yearly incomes at 3 per cent. For instance, a man earning £500 a year would have to pay 20s.

Q. Would this be an equitable adjustment of the Income-Tax?

A. Not quite; because earnings are mostly precarious.

Q. How does the Income-Tax affect persons of precarious income?

A. It deprives them of the money which they ought to save as a provision against a season of loss of employment, or against old age.

Q. Where do those people go who are incapacitated by the Income-Tax from making a provision for loss of employment, or for old age?

A. To the workhouse.

Punch, December 13, 1856.

――――

A RABBLE CATECHISM FOR M.P.’S.

Respectfully Dedicated to MAJOR BERESFORD, M.P., for North Essex; Ex-Tory Whipper-in, Secretary-at-War in 1852; with every possible etcetera.

Q. What is a rabble?

A. Rabble is a congregation of creatures that hiss and hoot.

Q. Biped or quadruped?

A. I believe, biped.

Q. Of what are they ordinarily composed?

A. Mud, tempered with ditch-water. Sometimes they are made of road-scrapings; they are sometimes found of pure clay.

Q. What is your duty towards the rabble?

A. My duty towards the rabble is, from the very bottom of my heart (wherever that may be) to loathe, detest, hate, and abhor them.

Q. As everything has its place in the condition of the world, what――in your opinion――in the scale of creation, is the proper place of the rabble? Take, for instance, an individual. One of the rabble?

A. I believe that one of the rabble is a――yes――a sort of link between an ape and a contented labourer. I have, I think, read of apes that chop sticks and draw water, and walk upright on two legs; I have no doubt that moral anatomy would establish the analogy. No doubt of it. Yes; one of the rabble is a link between an ape and a labourer――a contented labourer.

Q. Has the rabble any voice?

A. Certainly not: it is the want of voice that is the rabble’s distinguishing want.

Q. But supposing that the rabble could, by Act of Parliament, for instance, obtain voices――they would then be rabble no longer?

A. Certainly not.

Q. The rabble, having no articulate voices, you conceive it to be your bounden duty to hate, and, from the bottom of your heart despise them?

A. I do.

Q. But, having obtained voices, the rabble would then be to you――

A. Every one of them a man and a brother; that is――at Election times. Yes; from the bottom of my heart, a man and a brother.

――――

A RABBLE CATECHISM FOR THE RABBLE.

Q. What are you?

A. One o’ the rabble

Q. What makes you of the rabble?

A. Nothin’ makes me; got nothin’; that’s why nothin’ does it.

Q. What is your place in the world?

A. Got no place by rights; only what the gentlefolks is so kind――heaven bless ’em――is so kind to grant me.

Q. What are your duties in life?

A. My duties is to pay duties on ’bacca, and on whatsomever there may be put upon――tea and beer and so forth――and ax no questions.

Q. Have you any voice at elections?

A. Yes: when I hollars.

Q. But you have no vote?

A. In course not. ’Cause I’m one o’ the rabble.

Q. And as one of the rabble――what are you to expect from the gentlemen who propose themselves――for the benefit of the country――to be Members of Parliament?

A. I am to expect, and not a bit to mind it, to be despised from the bottom of their hearts.

Q. Were you created for that?

A. I was, as badgers were made to be baited, foxes to be hunted, and hedgehogs to be beaten to bits――so was the rabble made to be despised by Members of Parliament, ’specially when majors, from the very bottom of their hearts.

Punch.

――――

LE CATECHISME DES ANGLAIS. Pour l’expulsion des Français sous Napoleon I.

D. Dis moi, mon enfant, qui es tu?

R. Anglais; par la grace de Dieu.

D. Quel est l’ennémi de notre félicité?

R. L’Empereur des Français.

D. Combien a-t-il de natures?

R. Deux: la nature humaine, et la diabolique.

D. Combien y a d’Empereurs des Français?

R. Un véritable, en trois personnes trompeuses.

D. Comment les nomme t-on?

R. Napoléon, Murat, Manuel Godoi.

D. Lequel des trois est le plus méchant?

R. Ils le sont tous trois également.

D. De qui dérive Napoléon?

R. Du péché.

D. Murat?

R. De Napoléon; et Godoi de la formation des deux autres.

D. Quel est l’esprit du prémier?

R. L’orgueil et le despotisme.

D. Du sécond.

R. La rapine, et la cruauté.

D. Du troisième?

R. La cupidité, la trahison, et l’ignorance, &c. &c.

* * * * *

This fragment of a catechism appeared in Notes and Queries June 27, 1868, with a request for information as to its origin, to which no reply seems to have been made.

――――

A CATECHISM FOR LONDONERS.

Q. What is a Premium?

A. Premium is a Latin word meaning “prize” or “reward.” In London this reward is given by Landlords to themselves out of the money of incoming Tenants.

Q. Is a Premium a prize for good conduct?

A. Exclusively so. The good conduct consists in allowing Tenants to live in London at all.

Q. Is the moment when a house is taken the only occasion on which a Premium is exacted?

A. Not at all. When a lease expires, Landlords, especially Ducal ones (see Mr. PLATT’S evidence before the Parliamentary Committee), often refuse to renew without a heavy Premium.

Q. Is it a valid plea to say that this Premium is a repayment to the Landlord for improvements which he has kindly made in the house?

A. No; because the Landlord hardly ever makes any improvements.

Q. Then, at any rate, Tenants of London houses can always have the advantage of a lease, if they like to pay a Premium for it?

A. Such is not the case. Some Ducal Landlords now exact Premiums, and at the same time refuse to grant leases.

Q. Then the Tenant becomes a mere Tenant-at-will?

A. Unless he prefers to become a Tenant-at-won’t, and leaves the house in disgust.

Q. Why do not all Tenants adopt the latter system?

A. Because to leave his place of business may mean to a tradesman the sacrifice of his “connection,” a fact of which Landlords take full advantage.

Q. If a Tenant asked his Landlord for compensation for improvements executed by himself, what would the latter do?

A. Improve him off the estate, probably.

Q. When a London Landlord destroys at one blow the value of a Tradesman’s good-will, by refusing him a lease, and drives him to emigrate by exacting a “starvation-rent,” what does he call the result to the Tenant?

A. A happy re-lease.

Q. What is the theoretical foundation on which Ducal Landlords build their claim to rack-rent all occupiers who “hold of” them?

A. That it is entirely owing to their own careful attention and unremitting exertions that the soil of London is now of any value whatever.

Q. And of what material is that foundation largely composed?

A. Portland Cement.

Q. What would the Ducal monopoly of land and houses in the best situations in London be called in Chicago?

A. A “corner in rents.”

Q. And what would be an appropriate name for the victim of this monopoly?

A. A Ground-Tenant.

Q. Although the Ducal system of “improving estates,” by turning out old Tenants and raising the rent to the utmost possible limit, may press hardly on individuals, do not these territorial magnates display a splendid example of public-spirited generosity and self-denying civic virtue which compensates for private loss?

A. Scarcely.

Punch. May 7, 1887.

――――

A CATECHISM OF THE PEERAGE.

Question. What is a Peer.

Answer. The eldest son of his father.

Q. Who gave him that Title?

A. No one; it came to him through the accident of birth.

Q. Has he no other claim or qualification?

A. None.

Q. What is the nature of his Title?

A. Hereditary.

Q. Are there no other kind of Peers?

A. Yes; there are a few Life Peers.

Q. What are they?

A. Commoners who are made Peers for the rest of their lives, without their titles being transmitted to their heirs.

Q. Who creates Peers?

A. The Crown.

Q. What are men made Peers for?

A. For winning battles, for serving their party in the House of Commons, for being old and no longer of any use to it, for being troublesome to their colleagues, for being behind the times, and for being political nuisances that cannot be got rid of in any other way.

Q. Are Poets ever made Peers?

A. Yes. Lord Tennyson.

Q. Why was he made a Peer?

A. For writing adulatory verses, as Poet Laureate, on royal births, marriages and deaths.

Q. Besides Hereditary Peers and Life Peers, are there any other special kinds?

A. Yes. Temporal Peers and Spiritual Peers?.

Q. What are Spiritual Peers?

A. Bishops of the Church of England.

Q. What are the Privileges of a Peer?

A. To be called “My Lord,” to sit in Parliament without asking his fellow-citizens, to legislate without consulting them, to appoint clergymen to livings in the Church, and his poor relations to well-paid offices in the public service.

Q. Whom does the House of Commons represent?

A. The People of England.

Q. Whom do the Peers represent?

A. Themselves.

Q. How many are they?

A. Five hundred and twelve.

Q. How many does the People’s House represent?

A. Thirty-four millions.

Q. Are the members of the House of Lords all English.

A. No; the Scotch Peers created before 1707 elect sixteen of their number to sit in each Parliament, and the Irish Peers created before 1801 elect twenty-eight of their number to sit for life.

Q. How many Peers are Conservatives, and how many are Liberals?

A. There are 285 Conservatives and 218 Liberals, the remaining few being uncertain.

Q. Do they vote on all questions in proportion to these numbers?

A. No; they generally show an overwhelming majority against Liberal measures, especially in relation to the Landed Interest.

Q. Can they prevent the People’s House from passing any laws it may deem necessary?

A. Yes.

Q. Have they often done so?

A. Yes, always, until they were beaten.

Q. Are not the Bishops more friendly to measures passed by the People’s House for the good of the nation?

A. No; they have always opposed such measures even more obstinately than the Temporal Peers.

Q. How many clergymen are appointed to their livings by Peers?

A. Nearly five thousand.

Q. Are the Peers rich or poor?

A. Rich.

Q. What does their wealth spring from?

A. The land.

Q. Do they cultivate it?

A. No, they own it, and the cultivators pay them rent.

Q. How much land do they own?

A. 16,411,986 acres.

Q. How much land is there in Great Britain and Ireland?

A. 72,119,961 acres, exclusive of waste lands and commons.

Q. What is the yearly income of the richest Peer?

A. Four hundred thousand pounds.

Q. How much is that per day?

A. Ten hundred and ninety-five pounds.

Q. What is the highest daily wage of a farm labourer?

A. Half-a-crown.

Q. How much public money do the Peers draw from offices and pensions?

A. £598,056.

Q. Have the Peers any other power or influence than that already mentioned?

A. Yes, they have nearly three hundred relations, by birth or marriage, in the House of Commons.

Q. Have the Peers any other privileges?

A. Yes, the clergy pray for them every Sunday that they may be endued with grace, wisdom, and understanding.

Q. Is the prayer answered?

A. No.

Q. What are the duties of a Peer?

A. To spend his money, and to sit in the House of Lords when he feels disposed.

Q. Is he often so disposed?

A. No; the average attendance of Peers in the House of Lords is about twenty.

Q. Have the Peers no other duties?

A. Yes, they have to provide the chief officers of the Royal Household, as only Peers and Peeresses can perform such exalted functions.

Q. Do they fill those offices gratuitously?

A. No, they are handsomely paid, some of them receiving as much as £2,000 a year.

Q. Have they any other duty?

A. No, that is the whole duty of a Peer.

Issued by The People’s League for the Abolition of the Hereditary Chamber.

――――

THE DRUNKARD’S CATECHISM.

Question.――What is your name?

Answer.――Drunken Sot.

Q.――Who gave you that name?

A.――As drink is my idol, landlords and their wives get all my money; they gave me that name in my drunken sprees wherein I was made a member of strife, a child of want, and an inheritor of a bundle of rags.

Q.――What did your landlords and landladies promise for you.

A.――They did promise and vow three things in my name, first, that I should renounce the comfort of my own fireside; secondly, starve my wive and hunger my children; thirdly, walk in rags and tatters, with my shoe soles going flip flap all the days of my life.

Q.――Rehearse the articles of thy belief.

A.――I believe in the existence of one Mr. Alcohol, the great head and chief of all manner of vice, the source of nine-tenths of all diseases! and I not only believe, but am sure that when my money is gone and spent, the landlord will stop the tap and turn me out.

Q.――How many commandments have ye sots to keep?

A.――Ten.

Q.――Which be they?

A.――The same which the landlord and landlady spake in the bar, saying, We are thy master and thy mistress who brought thee out of the paths of virtue, placed thee in the ways of vice, and set thy feet on the road which leadeth to New South Wales.

I.――Thou shalt use no other house but mine.

II.――Thou shalt not make to thyself any substitute for intoxicating drinks, such as tea, coffee, ginger-pop and lemonade; for I am a jealous man, wearing the coat that should be on thy back, eating thy children’s bread, and pocketing the money which should make thee and thy wife happy all the days of thy life.

III.――Thou shalt not use my house in vain.

IV.――Remember that thou eat but one meal on the Sabbath day. Six days shalt thou drink and spend all thy money, but the seventh day is the Sabbath, wherein I wash my floor, mend my fires and make ready for the company the remaining part of the day.

V.――Thou shalt honor the landlords, the landladies and the gin-shops, with thy presence that thy days may be few and miserable, in the land wherein thou livest.

VI.――Thou shalt commit murder, by starving, hungering and beating thy wife and family.

VII.――Thou shalt commit self-destruction.

VIII.――Thou shalt sell thy wife’s and children’s bread and rob thyself of all thy comforts.

IX.――Thou shalt bear false witness when thou speakest of the horrors, saying, Thou art in good health when labouring under the barrel fever.

X.――Thou shalt covet all thy neighbour is possessed of; thou shalt covet his house, his land, his purse, his health, his wealth, and all that he has got, that thou mayest indulge in drunkenness, help the brewer to buy a new coach, a pair of fine horses, a new dray, and a fine building, that he may live in idleness all his days; likewise to enable the landlord to purchase a new sign to place over his door, with “Licensed to be drunk on the Premises” written thereon.

The foregoing are only a few of the many imitations of the Catechism, others are either too long to quote, or not sufficiently interesting.

There was one published during the Regency, entitled “A Political Catechism, dedicated (without permission) to His most Serene Highness Omar Bashaw, Bey and Governor of the Warlike City and Kingdom of Algiers; the Earl of Liverpool, Lord Castlereagh, and Co.” Coventry: J. Turner. Price Twopence. It was also published in London, by R. Carlile, 1817.

This was written to urge the people to petition the Prince Regent for Parliamentary, and Constitutional Reform.

Another, which was published about three years ago, was styled “The Conservative Catechism, or, the Principles of Organised Hypocrisy Explained.” This was issued, at the low price of one penny, by Abel Heywood & Son, Manchester, and had a large sale among the Radical voters at the time of the last Election.

――――:o:――――

The following parody occurred in a sermon preached at St. Paul’s Cross during the reign of James I., by Dr. John Boys, Dean of Canterbury:――

“Our Pope, which art in Rome, cursed be thy name; perish may thy kingdom; hindered may thy will be, as it is in heaven, so in earth. Give us this day our cup in the Lord’s Supper; and remit our moneys which we have given for thy indulgencies, as we send them back unto thee; and lead us not into heresy; but free us from misery; for thine is the infernal pitch and sulphur, for ever and ever. Amen.”

This was printed in Jefferson’s Entertaining Literary Curiosities, 1808, and was also referred to by Hone in his trials.

A long article appeared in Notes and Queries, August 8, 1885, devoted to the history of the Lord’s Prayer, with variations, paraphrases, imitations, and translations. It gave two curious versions of the Prayer in very early English.

――――

“Monsieur Grévy, qui êtes à l’Elysée, demeurez et faites que nous demeurions toujours dans les sentiments républicains. Touchez vos loyers en paix. Distribuez de bonnes places à vos serviteurs. Rendez des portefeuilles à ceux qui n’en ont plus, continuez a faire grâce aux condamnés comme ils vous feraient grâce eux mêmes, et délivrez-nous des petits papiers. Au nom du beau-père, du gendre, et de Boulanger. Amen!”

――――:o:――――

THE WIFE’S COMMANDMENTS.

I. Thou shalt have none other wife but me.

II. Thou shalt not take into thy house any beautiful brazen image to bow down to her, nor serve her, for I thy wife am a jealous wife, visiting the sins of the husband unto thee, etc.

III. Thou shalt not take the name of thy wife in vain.

IV. Remember to keep her respectably.

V. Honour thy wife’s Father and Mother.

VI. Thou shalt not scold.

VII. Thou shalt not find fault with thy dinners.

VIII. Thou shalt rock the cradle during my absence, and shalt prepare the tea for my return.

IX. Thou shalt not be behind thy neighbours.

X. Thou shalt not visit the whisky tavern, thou shalt not covet the tavern keeper’s Rum, nor his Brandy, nor his Gin, nor his Whisky, nor his Wine, nor anything that is behind the bar, nor in front of the bar of the tavern keeper.

――――

THE HUSBAND’S COMMANDMENTS.

I. Thou shalt have no other Husband but me.

II. Thou shalt not take unto thyself any man wherewith to call him Husband, to bow down to him, nor to worship him, for I am a jealous Husband, visiting, etc.

III. Thou shalt not take any other name but that of thine Husband.

IV. Remember to keep him respectably.

V. Honour thy Husband’s lawful commands.

VI. Thou shalt not scold.

VII. Thou shalt not be too fond of fine clothes, but be saving in all things.

VIII. Thou shalt not gossip with thy Neighbours, but do thy work.

IX. Thou shalt not tell thy Neighbours of any of thine Husband’s faults.

X. Thou shalt not frequent Theatres, or Music Halls, or Concert Rooms, or any other place of that kind without thine Husband.

――――

LES X. COMMANDEMENTS DES BAIGNEURS.

De nombreux accidents arrivant chaque année il ne nous paraît pas inutile de rappeller à nos chers lecteurs les dix commandements du grand hygiéniste hongrois, Kruger.

I. Après les émotions vives, ne te baigne pas.

II. Après un malaise subit, ne te baigne pas.

III. Après une nuit d’insomnie, après un excès de fatigue, ne te baigne pas.

IV. Après un repas copieux, après de chaudes libations, ne te baigne pas.

V. Lorsque tu te rends au bain, ne cours pas.

VI. Ne te baigne pas dans une eau dont tu ne connais pas la profondeur.

VII. Déshabille-toi lentement, mais, aussitôt déshabillé, entre dans l’eau.

VIII. Jette-toi dans l’eau la tête la première; si tu ne sais pas plonger, immerge-toi un instant.

IX. Ne reste pas longtemps dans l’eau, à moins que tu ne sois d’un tempérament très fort.

X. Après le bain frictionne-toi, habille-toi promptement, et marche.

――――

THE X COMMANDMENTS OF THE CANTING CREW.

Perhaps the most whimsical laws that were ever prescribed to a gang of thieves were those framed by William Holliday, one of the prigging community, who was hanged in 1695:――

I. That none of his company should presume to wear shirts, upon pain of being cashiered.

II. That none should lie in any other places than stables, empty houses, or other bulks.

III. That they should eat nothing but what they begged, and that they should give away all the money they got by cleaning boots among one another, for the good of the fraternity.

IV. That they should neither learn to read nor write, that he may have them the better under command.

V. That they should appear every morning by nine on the parade, to receive necessary orders.

VI. That none should presume to follow the scent but such as he ordered on that party.

VII. That if any one gave them shoes or stockings, he should convert them into money to play.

VIII. That they should steal nothing they could not come at, for fear of bringing a scandal upon the company.

IX. That they should not endeavour to clear themselves of vermin, by killing or catching them.

X. That they should cant better than the Newgate birds, pick pockets without bungling, outlie a Quaker, outswear a lord at a gaming-table, and brazen out all their villanies beyond an Irishman.

These rules have their counterpart amongst French thieves, whose “Commandements” will be found in Professor Barrère’s Argot and Slang.

――――

TEN COMMANDMENTS TO BE OBSERVED BY ALL THE PEOPLE OF GREAT BRITAIN.

_After the Passing of the Allopathic Trades Union Medical Bill, of 1877_,

1st. I am thy Family Doctor, duly appointed by the state. I brought thee into this world of sorrow, and so long as thou livest, to thee, in matters medical, it must be a land of bondage.

2nd. Thou shalt have none other Doctor but me.

3rd. Thou shalt not make for thyself any medicine; nor gather any herbs that grow upon the earth, nor in the waters about the earth; thou shalt not use anything, however simple, in treating disease: for I, thy Doctor, am a very jealous man, and for any infraction of this, thy duty, I will visit thy transgression with pains and penalties; yea, I will incarcerate thee into a prison, and so punish for thy doings, those dependent upon thee. And if thou wilt blindly follow my advice, and pay obedience to me, I will promise thee, when ill, that I will bleed, blister, and salivate thee at my pleasure; and so reward thee with a ruined constitution, to drag out a miserable existence for the remainder of thy days.

4th. Thou shalt not speak lightly of my name, for I am protected by law; and the law will not hold him guiltless that interferes in any way with me.

5th. Remember that thou prayest for my welfare when attending thy church on the sabbath day. Six days shalt thou labour to prostrate thy body and work for my fees; but the seventh day is the sabbath, and on that day thou must do nothing towards restoring or improving thy health, or thy wife’s health, or thy children’s health, or above all, thy neighbour’s health; nor must thou think about it, it is something that does not concern thee, I claim that as my special privilege――state protected. I am all powerful in these matters, and as such must be respected.

6th. Honour thy Doctor more than anyone else, for I claim thee, body and soul, whilst residing in England, the land of thy birth.

7th. Thou shalt not think for thyself.

8th. Thou art an Englishman, and the law hath handed thee over to my tender keeping.

9th. Thou shalt never be a Doctor.

10th. Thou shalt not tell thy neighbour of any remedy that will do him good, for I shall watch thy doings jealously. Thou shalt never covet the position of a medical adviser. If thou seest thy neighbour suffering, or his wife suffering, or any of his children suffering and thou art in possession of any remedy that will do them good, thou shalt not advise, nor use it; for I, thy Doctor, state protected, am always watchful, to visit upon thee pains and penalties for any infraction of these my commandments.

――――

LES COMMANDEMENTS DE LA PRESSE.

1. En te fondant tu verseras Un très gros cautionnement.

2. Les droits du timbre tu pairas Au fisc quotiediennement.

3. Jamais tu ne censureras Les actes du gouvernement.

4. Les chambres tu respecteras, Et les ministres mêmement.

5. De nul citoyen ne diras Un mot sans son consentement

6. Compte-rendu ne publieras Parallèle ni autrement.

7. En y manquant tu subiras L’amende et l’emprissonnement.

8. Chaque amende te mangera Le tiers du cautionnement.

9. Des droits d’électeur tu sera Dépossédé par supplément.

10. Le tribunal te suspendra Pour six mois provisoirement;

11. Et même il te supprimera, S’il veut, définitivement.

12. Sauf ces réserves, tu pourras Ecrire et parler librement.

These lines were published in Paris, in 1867, when a new and stringent law considerably curtailed the liberty of the French press. The main idea contained in this epigram is borrowed from Beaumarchais:――

“On me dit que, pendant ma retraite économique, il s’est établi dans Madrid un système de liberté sur la vente des productions, qui s’étend meme à celles de la presse; et que, pourvu que je ne parle en mes écrits ni de l’autorité, ni du culte, ni de la politique, ni de la morale, ni des gens en place, ni des corps en crédit, ni de l’Opéra, ni des autres spectacles, ni de personne qui tienne à quelque chose, je puis tout imprimer librement, sous l’inspection de deux ou trois censeurs.”

Le Mariage de Figaro. Acte. v. Sc. iii.

――――

BYRON’S POETICAL COMMANDMENTS.

If ever I should condescend to prose, I’ll write poetical commandments, which Shall supersede beyond all doubt all those That went before; in these I shall enrich My text with many things that no one knows, And carry precept to the highest pitch: I’ll call the work “Longinus o’er a Bottle, Or, Every Poet his own Aristotle.”

Thou shalt believe in Milton, Dryden, Pope; Thou shalt not set up Wordsworth, Coleridge, Southey; Because the first is crazed beyond all hope, The second drunk, the third so quaint and mouthy; With Crabbe it may be difficult to cope, And Campbell’s Hippocrene is somewhat drouthy; Thou shalt not steal from Samuel Rogers, nor Commit――flirtation with the muse of Moore.

Thou shalt not covet Mr. Sotheby’s Muse, His Pegasus, nor anything that’s his; Thou shalt not bear false witness like “the Blues”―― (There’s one, at least, is very fond of this); Thou shalt not write, in short, but what I choose; This is true criticism, and you may kiss―――― Exactly as you please, or not, the rod; But if you don’t, I’ll lay it on, by God!

DON JUAN. Canto I.

――――

Contemporary with Mr. William Hone was a printer and publisher, named Richard Carlile, who, in 1817, had a shop at 183, Fleet Street, London.

He dealt largely in similar publications to those sold by Hone, and indeed reprinted the very parodies for publishing which Hone had been tried and acquitted. Like Hone, too, he was prosecuted by the Government of the day, and in October, 1819, was sentenced to three years’ imprisonment and to pay fines of £1,000 and £500 respectively, for publishing Paine’s “Age of Reason” and Palmer’s “Principles of Nature.” As he would not, or could not, pay these heavy fines, he was kept in prison until 1825.

Carlile republished Wat Tyler, a work which had been written by Robert Southey, when an ardent young Republican, but which, when he became Poet Laureate, and a pensioner of the Tory Government, he was very anxious should be forgotten. Southey endeavoured to prohibit the republication, but to no purpose, and over twenty-five thousand copies of the work were sold. Carlile also edited The Republican, The Lion, The Gauntlet, The Christian Warrior, and other publications. He was born at Ashburton in 1790, and died in 1843; his body, after having been dissected at St. Thomas’s Hospital at his own request, was buried in Kensal Green Cemetery.

Even those who agreed with Carlile’s very advanced theories were compelled to admit that he was a most eccentric individual, and his publications are decidedly inferior in literary merit to those issued by Hone. One of these was entitled The Bullet Te Deum with the Canticle of the Stone, 1817, a political parody of “Te Deum Laudamus.” He published another two-penny political pamphlet (ascribed to Professor Porson), called “A New Catechism for the use of the Swinish Multitude. Necessary to be had in all Sties.” This was written partly in answer to Burke’s celebrated essay on the Sublime and the Beautiful. But of all Carlile’s political parodies probably the following was the best. It was entitled――

THE ORDER FOR THE Administration of the Loaves and Fishes; or, The Communion of Corruption’s Host; Diligently corrected and revised. Commanded to be read at the Treasury the day preceding all Cabinet Dinners.

THE ORDER, &c. &c.

¶ So many as intend to be partakers of the LOAVES and FISHES, shall signify their names to the Chief Minister, at least some days before the meeting of Parliament.

¶ And if any one of these be an open hearted and upright character, or have not done any wrong to the people, by word or deed, so that he be not like unto the HOST OF CORRUPTION; the Minister having knowledge thereof, shall call him, and advertise him, that in anywise he presume not to be a partaker of the LOAVES and FISHES, until he hath openly declared himself to have truly repented and amended his former naughty life, that CORRUPTION’S HOST may thereby be satisfied, which before were offended; and that he hath recompensed the parties, by declaring himself to be in readiness so to do, as soon as he conveniently may.

¶ The same order shall the Minister use with those betwixt whom he perceiveth malice and hatred to reign; not suffering them to be partakers of the LOAVES and FISHES, until he know them to be reconciled. And if one of the parties so at variance be content to forgive, from the bottom of his heart, all that the other hath trespassed against him, and to make amends for that he himself hath offended; and the other party will not be persuaded to a Ministerial unity, but remain still in frowardness and the OPPOSITION: The Minister, in that case, ought to admit the penitent person to a share of the plunder, and not him that is obstinate. Provided that every Minister so repelling any, as is specified in this or the next paragraph of this Rubrick, shall be obliged to give an account of the same to the CABINET, within fourteen days after, at the farthest. And the CABINET shall prevent the offending person from receiving either SINECURE, PENSION, or PLACE OF PROFIT.

¶ The Table at the Cabinet dinner having a fair white damask cloth upon it, shall be covered with every luxury the earth produceth, and all Members to be there invited that shall accede to the foregoing rules, at least seven days before the opening of Parliament, there to hear repeated the Regent’s Speech, and Address thereon, and to rehearse the debates that shall be made on the said Speech and Address, also to be well acquainted with the amendment that shall be proposed by CORRUPTION’S BEST ALLIES, the WHIGS. Dinner being over, the Minister at the head of the table shall first repeat the Regent’s speech as followeth:――

We lament that our Father[347] is still secluded, hallowed be thy name, Our kingdom come, our will be done in France and Ireland, as it is in Great Britain. Give us this year, our women and wine, and forgive us our debts, that we may be enabled to satisfy those to whom we are indebted. And lead us not into danger, but deliver us from the disaffected. Amen.

THE ADDRESS.

High and mighty Prince, unto whom our hearts are open, our desires known, and from whom our secrets are not hid, gratify the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of thy goodly Places and Pensions, that we may perfectly love thee, and worthily magnify thy name; through the mediation of Castlereagh our Chief. Amen.

¶ Then shall the Minister, turning to the HOST, rehearse distinctly, all the TEN COMMANDMENTS; and the HOST, sitting open-mouthed, shall, after every Commandment, ask the Prince mercy for their transgressions thereof for the time past, and a Pension to keep the same for the time to come, as followeth:

Minister. The Prince spake these words, and said; I am the Prince thy Ruler: thou shall seek no other Prince but me.

Host. O Ministers, place a Pension upon us, that will incline our hearts to keep this law.

Minister. Thou shalt not make to thyself any graven image of Bonaparte, nor a caricature likeness of any thing belonging to the Court or its Minions. Thou shalt not express pleasure at seeing them in the houses of others; for I the Prince thy Ruler am a jealous Prince, and intend to protract the wretchedness of the Fathers upon the Children, unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me, and to extend sinecure-offices and pensions unto thousands in them that love me, and keep my commandments.

Host. O Ministers, be lavish upon us, and incline our hearts to keep this law.

Minister. Thou shalt not expose the name or character of the Prince thy Ruler to contempt, for the Prince will not hold him guiltless, that speaketh disrespectfully of him.

Host. O Ministers procure us a title, to incline our hearts to keep this law.

Minister. Remember that thou attend the division; at all other times thou mayst be absent, and do that thou hast to do, but to be in the division is thy duty to the Prince. In it thou shalt do as the Minister doth, for his majority compensates for his want of ability, and enableth him to create, or destroy; to suspend the laws, or enact new ones; to keep a large Army to stifle the cries of the hungry, to use the bayonet, instead of granting Reform; wherefore the Minister blesseth the majority and sanctifieth it.

Host. O Ministers withhold not our Pensions, but incline our hearts to keep this law.

Minister. Honour the Regent and Lord Castlereagh, that thy seat may be long in the Parliament, which the Boroughmonger hath sold to thee.

Host. O Ministers bestow your gifts upon us, and incline our hearts to keep this law.

Minister. Thou shalt not say that a PRINCE, or a DUKE hath committed MURDER.

Host. O ye PRINCES and DUKES be gracious unto us, and incline our hearts to set aside the law.

Minister. Thou shalt not say the PRINCE committeth adultery.

Host. O Prince be gracious unto us, and incline our hearts to pervert the law.

Minister. Thou shalt not hesitate to procure false witnesses against those whom we fear.

Host. O Ministers be mindful of us, and incline our hearts to keep this law.

Minister. Thou shalt not covet the company of Reformers, nor be found with them, nor consent to any of their ways, nor be with their wives or servants, or any thing that is theirs.

Host. O Minister by the continuance of our Places, our Pensions, and our Sinecures, write all these thy laws in our hearts we beseech thee.

¶ Then shall follow the Collect for the Ministry belonging to the House of Lords.

Let us Pray. Mighty Prince whose kingdom may not be lasting; whose power is finite; Have mercy upon the whole Host; and be so ruled by thy chosen servants, Liverpool, Sidmouth, Eldon, and their associates, that they (knowing whose Ministers they are) may above all things aggrandize themselves and dependents; and that we (duly considering under whose authority we are) may faithfully serve, honour, and humbly obey them, in view of, and hoping for farther benefits, according to thy word and ordinance; through Castlereagh our Chief. Amen.

¶ A Collect for those of the Ministry of the House of Commons.

Mighty and lasting Prince, we are taught by thy conduct that the hearts of Princes are at the disposal of their Ministers, and that thou dost dispose and turn thine as it seemeth best to their goodly wisdom: We humbly beseech thee so to continue thy condescension to Castlereagh, Vansittart, and their associates, that in all their thoughts, words and actions, they may ever seek their own honour and glory, and study to preserve us committed to their charge, in wealth, peace and goodliness: through Castlereagh our Chief. Amen.

The Creed for the use of Corruption’s Host.

I believe in Lord Castlereagh, the supreme director of all our affairs, maker of treaties for all nations, for the benefit of none; and in the excellence of his features, fundamental and unfundamental.

And in one George Canning, of doubtful origin, the tool and puppet of Lord Castlereagh, who, together with Lord Castlereagh, falling out about their share of the public plunder, went into a certain field to fight with swords and pistols, unfortunately without any intent to kill, who came out again without injury, to the great grief of all the People; who went on an embassy to the Court of Portugal, where there was no King, for the sole purpose of recovering the health of his son, at the expence of many thousands of pounds to the People: he rose again to the Cabinet, from whence he judgeth the Reformers; and his impudence shall have no end.

And I believe in the Prince Regent, Lord and Giver of Places, who, together with the Ministers, we should worship and glorify, who speaketh by Proclamations, Commissioners, and Green Bags; I believe in the stability of the funds, I look not for a remission of taxes, no, not till the Resurrection of the Dead. And I look not for a better Government in the world to come. Amen.

Here endeth the ORDER for the ADMINISTRATION of the LOAVES and FISHES.

(London: R. Carlile, 1817.)

――――:o:――――

The Chronicles of the Kings of England: Written in the manner of the Ancient Jewish Historians. By Nathan Ben Saddi, a Priest of the Jews. London: Printed for T. Cooper at the Globe in Pater-noster Row. 1741.

This is in two books, and concludes with the reign of George II:

“And George was forty and four years old when he began to reign, and behold the Sceptre continueth in his Hand, the Crown also is on his Head; and he sitteth on the Throne of his Majesty unto this Day.

And now behold these are the Names of the Kings of England, and these are their generations.

George the Second, who was the son of George the First, who was the cousin of Anne, who was the sister-in-law of William the Third, who was the son-in-law of James the Second, who was the brother of Charles the Second, who was the son of Charles the First, who was the son of James the First, who was the cousin of Elizabeth, who was the sister of Mary, who was the sister of Edward the Sixth, who was the son of Henry the Eighth, who was the son of Henry the Seventh, who was the cousin of Richard the Third, who was the uncle of Edward the Fifth, who was the son of Edward the Fourth, who was the cousin of Henry the Sixth, who was the son of Henry the Fifth, who was the son of Henry the Fourth, who was the cousin of Richard the Second, who was the grandson of Edward the Second, who was the son of Edward the First, who was the son of Henry the Third, who was the son of John, who was the brother of Richard the First, who was the son of Henry the Second, who was the cousin of Stephen, who was the cousin of Henry the First, who was the brother of William Rufus, who was the son of William the Conqueror, who was the son of a w――――.”

The Chronicle of the Kings of England, from William the Norman to the Death of George III. Written after the manner of the Jewish Historians: with Notes explanatory and illustrative. London: J. Fairburn, 1821.

This is an amplified re-issue of the preceding work, with notes, and repeating the genealogical table so as to include the name of George III. This edition of The Chronicles of the Kings should have a large folding perspective chronology of the Reign of George the Third, which is frequently wanting.

The following is an extract from this work, describing the reigns of Elizabeth and James:

“Now Elizabeth was twenty and five years old when she began to reign, and she reigned over England forty and four years, four months, and seven days, and her mother’s name was Anna Bullen. And she choose unto herself wise and able ministers, and governed her kingdom with power and great glory.

“The sea also was subject unto her, and she reigned on the ocean with a mighty hand.

“Her admirals compassed the world about, and brought her home treasures from the uttermost parts of the earth.

“The glory of England she advanced to its height, and all the princes of the earth sought her love; her love was fixed on the happiness of her people, and would not be divided. The era of learning was also in her reign, and the genius of wit shone bright in the land. Spencer and Shakespeare, Verulam and Sidney, Raleigh and Drake adorned the court, and made her reign immortal. And woe unto you Spaniards, woe unto you, you haughty usurpers of the American seas for at the light’ning of her eyes ye were destroyed, and at the breath of her mouth ye were scattered abroad; she came unto your armada as a whirlwind, and as a tempest of thunder she overwhelmed you in the sea.

“Wisdom and strength were in her right hand, and in her left were glory and wealth.

“She spake, and it was war; she waved her hand, and the nations dwelt in peace.

“Her Ministers were just, and her counsellers were sage; her captains were bold, and her maids of honour ate beefsteaks for their breakfast.

“And Elizabeth slept with her fathers, and she was a virgin. She was buried in the chapel of King Henry VII., and James of Scotland reigned in her stead.

“And Jamie thought himself a bonny King, and a mickle wise mon, howbeit, he was a fool and a pedant.

“But the spirit of flattery went forth in the land, and the great men and the bishops offered incense unto him, saying, O most sacred King! thou art wiser than the children of men; thou speakest by the spirit of God; there has been none equal to thee before thee; neither will any rise after thee like unto thee.

“Thus they abused him daily with lying and fulsome adulation; and the ear of James was tickled therewith, and he was puffed up and thought himself wise; whereupon he began to dispute with the doctors, and to decide controversies, and to write books, and the world was undeceived.”

――――:o:――――

AN ELECTION PLACARD. In favour of Charles James Fox, Westminster, 1784.

The first Chapter of the Times.

1. And it came to pass that there were great dissension s in the West, amongst the rulers of the Nation.

2. And the counsellor s of the back stairs said, Let us take advantage and yoke the people even as oxen, and rule them with a rod of iron.

3. And let us break up the Assembly of Privileges, and get a new one of Prerogativ es; and let us hire false prophets to deceive the people. And they did so.

4. Then Judas Iscariot went among the citizens, saying, “Choose me one of your Elders, and I will tax your innocent damsels, and I will take the bread from the helpless, lame and blind.

5. “And with the scrip which will arise, we will eat, drink, and be merry.”

Then he brought forth the roll of sheepskin, and came unto the ginshops, cellars, and bye places, and said, “Sign your names,” and many made their marks.

6. Now it came to pass, that the time being come when the people choose their elders, that they assembled together at the hustings, nigh unto the Place of Cabbages.[348]

7. And Judas[349] lifted up his prerogativ e phiz, and said “Choose me, choose me.” But the people said, “Satan, avaunt! thou wicked Judas! hast thou not deceived thy best friend? Would’st thou deceive us also? Get thee behind us, thou unclean Spirit!”

8. We will have the man who ever has and will support our cause, and maintain our rights, who stands forth to us, and who will never be guided by Secret Influence!

9. And the people shouted, and cried with an exceeding loud voice, saying “Fox is the man!”

10. Then they caused the trumpets to be sounded, as at the feast of the full moon, and sang, “Long live Fox, may our champion live for ever! Amen!”

――――

In Blackwood’s Edinburgh Magazine for October, 1817, there appeared an article entitled “Translation of an ancient Chaldee Manuscript,” it commenced on page 89, and ended at the foot of page 96. It was written in Biblical phraseology and was divided into four chapters, each of which was subdivided into verses. The parody was made on a certain chapter of Ezekiel, and was introduced by a preface, stating that it was a translation of a Chaldee manuscript preserved in a great library at Paris.

Professor Ferrier, in a Notice appended to Christopher North’s Nodes Ambrosianae, says “this trenchant satire on men and things in the metropolis of Scotland, excited the most indescribable commotion at the time――so much noise, indeed, that never since has it been permitted to make any noise whatever, having been pitilessly suppressed in consequence of threatened legal proceedings.” But some prosecutions were nevertheless commenced, and one was referred to the private decision of a Scotch judge, who, it is said, convicted the Publisher, and fined him two hundred and thirty pounds, for a foul and indecent libel.

The November number, 1817, of Blackwood’s Magazine contained the following:――

Note from the Editor.

“The Editor has learned with regret, that an article in the First Edition of last Number, which was intended merely as a jeu d’esprit, has been construed so as to give offence to individuals justly entitled to respect and regard; he has on that account withdrawn it in the Second Edition, and can only add, that if what has happened could have been anticipated, the article in question certainly never would have appeared.

With the December Number will be given eight pages, to supply the deficiency occasioned by the omission of the article, Translation from an Ancient Chaldee Manuscript.”

It has been recently ascertained that the original conception of this Chaldee M.S. was due to James Hogg, who wrote part of it, the remainder of the production being the work of Christopher North, and Lockhart.

A set of the magazine containing this parody is now rarely to be met with.

Professor Ferrier considers that people of the present day would be greatly amused by what he calls this delicious jeu d’esprit. Perhaps a few Scotchmen intimately acquainted with the Edinburgh literature and society of seventy years ago might be, but to the majority of readers the Chaldee Manuscript would appear dull, tedious, and uninteresting, otherwise it would have been inserted in this chapter.

――――

In the works of Father Prout (Rev. Francis Mahony) the following passage occurs with reference to the Comte de Buffon:――“Having predetermined not to leave Moses a leg to stand on, he sweeps away at one stroke of his pen the foundations of Genesis, and reconstructs this terraqueous planet on a new patent principle. I have been at some pains to acquire a comprehensive notion of his system, and aided by an old Jesuit, I have succeeded in condensing the voluminous dissertation into, a few lines, for the use of those who are dissatisfied with the Mosaic statement, particularly the professors at the school in Gower Street:――”

1. In the beginning was the sun, from which a splinter was shot off by chance, and that fragment was our globe.

2. And the globe had for its nucleus melted glass, with an envelope of hot water.

3. And it begun to twirl round, and became somewhat flattened at the poles.

4. Now, when the water grew cool, insects began to appear, and shell-fish.

5. And from the accumulation of shells, particularly oysters (tom. i. 4to. edit. p. 14), the earth was gradually formed, with ridges of mountains, on the principle of the Monte Testacio at the gate of Rome.

6. But the melted glass kept warm for a long time, and the arctic climate was as hot in those days as the tropics now are: witness a frozen rhinoceros found in Siberia, &c. &c. &c.

――――:o:――――

THE BIBLE OF THE FUTURE.

The following specimen of what is to be the Bible of the future is published by an American paper:――

GENESIS.――Chapter 1.

1. Primarily the Unknowable moved upon cosmos, and evolved protoplasm.

2. And protoplasm was inorganic and undifferentiated, containing all things in potential energy; and a spirit of evolution moved upon the fluid mass.

3. And the Unknowable said, Let atoms attract; and their contact begat light, heat, and electricity.

4. And the Unconditioned differentiated the atoms, each after its kind; and their combinations begat rock, air, and water.

5. And there went out a spirit of evolution from the Unconditioned, and working in protoplasm, by accretion and absorption, produced the organic cell.

6. And cell by nutrition evolved primordial germ, and germ developed protogene, and protegene begat eozoon, and eozoon begat monad, and monad begat animalcule.

7. And animalcule begat ephemera; then began creeping things to multiply on the face of the earth.

8. And earthy atom in vegetable protoplasm begat the molecule, and thence came all grass, and every herb in the earth.

9. And animacule in the water evolved fins, tails, claws, and scales; and in the air wings and beaks; and on the land they sprouted such organs as were necessary as played upon by the environment.

10. And by accretion and absorption came the radiata and mollusca; and mollusca begat articulata, and articulata begat vertebrata.

11. Now these are the generations of the higher vertebrata, in the cosmic period that the Unknowable evoluted the bipedal mammalia.

12. And every man of the earth, while he was yet a monkey, and the horse while he was an hipparian, and the hipparian before he was an oredon.

13. Out of the ascidian came the amphibian, and begat the pentadactyle; and the pentadactyle, by inheritance and selection, produced the hylobate, from which are the simiadæ in all their tribes.

14. And out of the simiadæ the lemur prevailed above his fellows, and produced the platyrhine monkey.

15. And the platyrhine begat the catarrhine, and the catarrhine monkey begat the anthropoid ape, and the ape begat the longimanous orang, and the orang begat the chimpanzee, and the chimpanzee evoluted the what-is-it.

16. And the what-is-it went into the land of Nod, and took him a wife of the longimanus gibbons.

17. And in process of the cosmic period were born unto them and their children the anthropomorphic primordial types.

18. The homunculus, the prognathus, the troglodyte, the autochthon, the terragene――these are the generations of primeval man.

19. And primeval man was naked and not ashamed, but lived in quadrumanous innocence, and struggled mightily to harmonise with the environment.

20. And by inheritance and natural selection did he progress from the stable and homogeneous to the complex and heterogeneous――for the weakest died, and the strongest grew and multiplied.

21. And man grew a thumb for that he had need of it, and developed capacities for prey.

22. For, behold, the swiftest men caught the most animals, and the swiftest animals got away from the most men: wherefore the slow animals were eaten and the slow men starved to death.

23. And as types were differentiated the weaker types continually disappeared.

24. And the earth was filled with violence; for man strove with man, and tribe with tribe, whereby they killed off the weak and foolish, and secured the survival of the fittest.

From The Church Times, February 1875.

Two other poems on the scientific theory of evolution remain to be quoted, although neither can strictly be termed a parody. The first, written by Charles Neaves (afterwards Lord Neaves) appeared originally in Blackwood’s Magazine, it was afterwards reprinted in “Songs and Verses, by an old contributor to Maga.” Edinburgh. W. Blackwood & Sons.

THE ORIGIN OF SPECIES.

Have you heard of this question the Doctors among, Whether all living things from a Monad have sprung? This has lately been said, and it now shall be sung, Which nobody can deny.

Not one or two ages sufficed for the feat, It required a few millions the change to complete, But now the thing’s done, why it looks rather neat, Which nobody can deny.

The original Monad, our great-great-grandsire, To little or nothing at first did aspire; But at last to have offspring it took a desire, Which nobody can deny.

This Monad becoming a father or mother, By budding, or bursting produced such another; And shortly there followed a sister or brother, Which nobody can deny.

Excrescences fast were now trying to shoot; Some put out a finger, some put out a foot, Some set up a mouth, and some sent down a root, Which nobody can deny.

Some, wishing to walk, manufactured a limb; Some rigged out a fin, with a purpose to swim; Some opened an eye, which remained dark and dim. Which nobody can deny.

Some creatures grew bulky, while others were small, As nature sent food for the few, or for all; And the weakest, we know, ever go to the wall, Which nobody can deny.

An Ape with a pliable thumb and big brain, When the gift of the gab he had managed to gain, As a Lord of Creation established his reign, Which nobody can deny.

* * * * *

The second, by the late Mr. Mortimer Collins, appeared in “The British Birds, a communication from the Ghost of Aristophanes.” London, 1872. A work which is now very scarce.

THE POSITIVISTS.

Life and the Universe show spontaneity: Down with ridiculous notions of Deity! Churches and creeds are all lost in the mists, Truth must be sought with the Positivists.

Wise are their teachers beyond all comparison, Comte, Huxley, Tyndall, Mill, Morley, and Harrison: Who will adventure to enter the lists With such a squadron of Positivists.

Social arrangements are awful miscarriages; Cause of all crime is our system of marriages. Poets with sonnets and lovers with trysts Kindle the ire of the Positivists.

Husbands and wives should be all one community, Exquisite freedom with absolute unity. Wedding-rings worse are than manacled wrists―― Such is the creed of the Positivists.

There was an APE in the days that were earlier; Centuries passed, and his hair became curlier; Centuries more gave a thumb to his wrist―― Then he was MAN, and a Positivist.

If you are pious (mild form of insanity), Bow down and worship the mass of Humanity. Other religions are buried in mists―― We’re our own gods, say the Positivists.

――――

AN AMERICAN VIEW OF BICYCLING.

“And in these days the young man of the city is possessed of a demon, and he taketh it upon him to learn to ride the bicycle. And he goeth unto them that teach the instrument; and he sayeth unto them, Lo, now, teach me this thing, at one half a trade shekel the hour. And they make answer and say unto him, Behold now; here is the machine; and here art thou. Get on it, therefore and ride; for all things are possible to him that hath nerve.

And he taggeth after that machine for the next six weeks; yea, even until both his knees are like unto works of decorative art for colourful picturesqueness; and he frescoeth his entire person in black and blue, and he smasheth the machine variously and expensively; and in the fulness of time he learneth to mount and ride, and becometh an alleged proficient in the art.

And then, being puffed up with vanity, and being made mad with an injudicious ambition, he saith unto himself: Lo, now, I will try this thing upon the road. And he getteth permission to pay the hire of a machine, and to take the same up the avenue which is called fifth, to the northward of the hill which is called the Hill of Nobs; because of the exceedingly great number of nobs which dwell thereabouts.

And being mounted, he passeth out of the gates of the city, and journeyeth towards the suburbs, being at times in the saddle, and at other times for variety’s sake (which is, as was spoken by the prophets, as a spice unto life), upon his head.

And it shall come to pass that he meeteth casual maidens, who shall smile upon him, and make glad his heart within him. And, for that man is foolish and mankind is indiscreet, he shall put on the frills of vanity, and ride in the curves of conceit, and take no heed.

And in the end there shall come that way a school of young maidens, who shall say each one unto the other: Behold him upon the bicycle; and behold the young man upon two wheels. Is he not comely; and is he not fair to see among the young men of Israel? And moreover shall it come to pass that the young man shall be tempted of the evil one, and shall undertake to turn on the outer edge, and to put his legs over the handle, and shall generally be so previous and preliminary that presently the young students of Bellevue Hospital shall cobble him after their own will and fashion.

And when he shall have recovered as much as he ever shall, that young man will give his bycycle unto his bitterest enemy, whom he hateth with a hate unspeakable, saying: Let this be for a peace-offering from me to thee; and let there be no more strife between us.

For is there not peace in the grave; and shall war be waged against them that are utterly smashed up.”

Puck. United States. 1880.

――――

A PUBLICAN’S CARD.

The Church of England Temperance Chronicle says:――A card has reached us, bearing on one side the inscription――

HARRY HILL, Market Hall Vaults, Shambles, Worcester.

On the reverse the following parody is printed:――

HARRY HILL’S Instructions to his Disciples.

1. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for in my house they shall be gladdened with the best of spirits.

2. Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted in my house.

3. Blessed are the meek, for my beer and liquor shall embolden them.

4. Blessed are the weak and weary, for my drink shall strengthen them.

5. Blessed are the mirthful and gay, for theirs is the kingdom of Harry Hill’s.

6. Dost thou hunger? In my house shall thy belly be made glad.

7. Dost thou thirst? Enter into my vineyard.

8. I am the son of my father, and mine are the juices that shall restore them.

9. Thou shalt not steal, for my shekels are my own.

10. Thou shalt honour me, for I am the Father of the Feast.

11. Thou shalt not be rude to my pretty girls, for Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

12. Thou shalt not kiss them, if they say thee nay, for, red lips, like red roses, are sweetest on the bush.

13. Thou shalt not embrace them against their will, for caresses, like good wine, should not go to waist.

14. Thou shalt not bellow in my house like the bull of Bashan, but rather whisper like the sucking dove.

15. Thou shalt not damage my household goods, for it shall cost thee dear.

16. If thou art good, from my bar thou shalt not be debarred.

17. Thou shalt not attempt to pass counterfeit coin upon me, for then will the owner of my counter “fit” thee.

18. My good cheer will not settle on thy stomach if thou dost not settle with me.

――――

A PARODY BY MR. RUSKIN ON USURY.

The author of a book entitled “Usury and the English Bishops” (by R. G. Sillar, with an introduction by Professor Ruskin. A. Southey, 146, Fenchurch-street, London), dedicates it, “without permission,” to the Bishops of Manchester, Peterborough, and Rochester. Mr. Ruskin, in an introduction, endorses in the following language the opinions expressed:――

I rejoice to see my old friend Mr. Sillar gathering finally together the evidence he has so industriously collected on the guilt of Usury, and supporting it by the always impressive language of symbolical art; for indeed I had myself no idea, till I read the connected statement which these pictures illustrate, how steadily the system of money-lending had gained on the nation, and how fatally every hand and foot was now entangled by it.

“I place,” says Mr. Ruskin, “side by side the ancient and modern versions of the seven verses of the New Testament which were the beginning, and are indeed the heads, of all the teachings of Christ:――”

ANCIENT. MODERN.

Blessed are the poor in Blessed are the rich in spirit, for theirs is the flesh, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven. kingdom of earth.

Blessed are they that Blessed are they that are mourn, for they shall be merry and laugh the last. comforted.

Blessed are the meek, for Blessed are the proud, in they shall inherit the earth. that they have inherited the earth.

Blessed are they which do Blessed are they which hunger for righteousness, for hunger for unrighteousness, they shall be filled. in that they shall divide its mammon.

Blessed are the merciful, Blessed are the merciless, for they shall obtain mercy. for they shall obtain money.

Blessed are the poor in Blessed are the foul in heart, for they shall see God. heart, for they shall see no God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, Blessed are the war makers, for they shall be for they shall be adored by called the children of God. the children of men.

The Pall Mall Gazette. March, 1885.

――――

The three following examples of Scripture knowledge are said to have been written by Metropolitan School Board pupils in answer to questions put to them by Government Inspectors. “Who was Moses?――He was an Egypsian. He lived in a hark maid of bullrushers, and he kept a golden carf and worshipt braizen snakes and het nothin but qwhales and manner for forty years. He was kort up by the air of his ed while ridin under a bow of a tree and lie was killed by his son Abslon as he was hanging from the bow. His end was peace.”

“What do you know of the patriarch Abraham?――He was the father of Lot and had tew wifes. Wun was called Hismale and tother Haygur. He kep wun at home and he hurried the tother into the dessert where she became a pillow of salt in the daytime and a pillow of fire at nite.”

“Write an account of the good Samaritan.――A certing man went down from jerslam to jerriker and he feld among thawns and the thawns spranged up and choaked him; wareupon he gave tuppins to the hoast and said take care on him and put him on his hone hass. And he passt bye on the hother side.”

――――

In addition to the parodies already quoted, Hone, in his defence, also mentioned the following:――

A Genuine Collection of the several Pieces of Political Intelligence Extraordinary, Epigrams, &c., that have appeared before the Public in Detached Pieces, now carefully selected together in one View by An Impartial Hand. Printed for Thomas Butcher, Newgate Street, London, 1766. This curious and very scarce collection contains several parodies, amongst them A Political Litany, of no great merit, and The Political Creed for 1766, which was given on p. 299.

Book of the Wars of Westminster, from the fall of the Fox at the close of 1783 to 1784, on which William the Conqueror celebrated the Third Grand Lent Festival at the London. An Oriental Prophecy. Printed for Ishmael the son of Elishama. 1783.

The Chronicle of the Kingdom of the Cassiterides, under the reign of the House of Lunen. A Fragment translated from an Ancient Manuscript. London: G. Wilkie, 1783.

This describes the tremendous siege of Gibraltar by the French and Spaniards, and the political questions of the day, in Scriptural phraseology.

The Oriental Chronicles of the Times: being the Translation of a Chinese manuscript; with Notes supposed to have been originally written in the spirit of Prophecy, by Confucius the Sage. Dedicated to her Grace the Duchess of Devonshire. London. J. Debrett, Piccadilly.

This describes, in Biblical language, the triumph of Charles James Fox, in the great contested Election at Westminster in 1784.

The Plague of Westminster, or an order for the visitation of a sick Parliament, 1647――Harleian Miscellany.

Père la Chaise, Parody of the Catechism.

Fair Circassian, by the Rev. Mr. Croxal, a parody of the Canticles.

British Freeholder’s Political Creed.

Humorous Magazine. Te Deum.

The Oracle in 1807. The Lord’s prayer parodied.

Recruiting Bill. “Royal Volunteers, now is the time to obtain honour and glory. Wanted, immediately to serve Jehovah, who will reward them according to their zeal and ability, a vast number of people of all descriptions, who will on joining the Commanding Officer, receive new clothes, proper accoutrements, and everything necessary for their appearance at the New Jerusalem.”

――――

In The Spirit of the Public Journals for 1809 (Vol. XIII., London, J. Ridgway), there is a scriptural imitation, styled A Tale of other Times. This originally appeared in the “Morning Post.” It was an endeavour to apologise for the conduct of the Duke of York, who had been compelled, by public opinion, to resign the office of Commander-in-Chief, owing to the exposure of a wholesale traffic in army commissions, carried on by his mistress, Mrs. Clarke. The parody represents the Duke as more of a fool than a knave; it has, however, never yet been settled whether folly or knavery preponderated in his disposition. These qualities appear to have been pretty equally balanced, and this parody does not decide the question.

In Vol. 16 of the same collection, for 1812, there is an imitation, called Book of Chronicles, it is political, and devoted to the abuse of Charles James Fox, and his adherents.

The Seven Chapters of the First Book of Things; being a Concise and Impartial account of the Birmingham Riots. By Levi Ben Mordecai. This imitation of biblical phraseology occurs in a little work entitled “Poems, by the late Mr. Stephen Chatterton, of Willenhall.” London, printed for the Author’s Widow. 1795.

It relates entirely to the politics of the day, and commences with a description of the capture of the Bastille, in Paris.

The First Book of Napoleon, the Tyrant of the Earth, written in 5813 A.M., and 1809 A.D., by Eliakim the Scribe. 1809.

The Morning Herald (London), May 4, 1812, contained a scriptural parody ridiculing Lord Grenville.

Chronicles of Coxheath Camp. A satire on General Keppel, who commanded at Coxheath. By Francis Grose F.R.S. This is in scriptural form, and appeared in The Olio, 1792. It was referred to by William Hone, in his trials, but is not worth reprinting.

The Chronicles of Westminster. This scriptural imitation will be found in the well-known quarto collection, The History of the Westminster Election.

The Court of Session Garland. Edited by James Maidment Esq. London, Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1888. This curious collection of Ballads, Parodies and Epigrams, mostly written by members of the Scottish legal profession, contains several pieces written in scriptural style. The longest, entitled, The Book of the Chronicles of the City, relates to a contested election in Edinburgh; another is A Chapter from the Book of Kings, which was found in Mr. Hume’s Collection. Another called Book of Proclamations was written in 1837.

These imitations are long, and of little present interest, except perhaps to a few old residents of Edinburgh.

The Book of Benjamin. Appointed to be read by the Electors of England. London, Charles Watts, 1879. This consists of ten chapters, describing in biblical language, the acts of Benjamin D’Israeli, from a Liberal standpoint.

The Second Book of Benjamin. A record of things past, present, and to come. London, Charles Watts, 1879. A continuation of the above.

The Fall of Benjamin. By Alfred Capel Shaw, author of the two foregoing pamphlets. London, Watts and Co., 1880. This is the last of the trio, and concludes thus:――

“And all the land knew that Benjamin had fallen, and that he was driven forth into the wilderness. And, behold, Gladstone the Liberal ruled in his stead.”

The New Gospel of Peace according to St. Benjamin.――New York, Sinclair Tousey. In two books. No date, but since 1863. This is a most remarkable account of the Great American Civil War, in scriptural language, the names of persons and places being ingeniously spelt so as to give them a Biblical appearance. It is arranged in chapters and verses.

The Awful and Ethical Allegory of Deuteronomy Smith; or, the Life-history of a Medical Student. Anonymous. Edinburgh, George Dryden, 1882. This describes, in biblical style, the adventures of a rather racketty young medical student in Edinburgh.

The Secularists’ Manual of Songs and Ceremonies, Edited by Austin Holyoake. London, Austin & Co. About 1871. This contains a series of services for Freethinkers, suitable for Weddings, Christenings (or naming children) and for Funerals.

The New Book of Kings, by J. Morrison Davidson. Manchester. John Heywood. This is not written, as its name would suggest, in imitation of the Scriptures. It is an exceedingly outspoken history of the inner life and misdeeds of the Kings and Queens of England.

The Freethinker, edited by G. W. Foote, and published weekly at Stonecutter Street, London, contains many imitations of Biblical and Liturgical matters, which are too profane to be quoted, such as the following,

Comic Bible Sketches, reprinted from “The Freethinker,” edited by G. W. Foote. London: Progressive Publishing Company, 28, Stonecutter Street, 1885.

Jonah’s Excursion to Nineveh. By G. W. Foote, with illustrations by Paul Bellevue. London: Progressive Publishing Company, 28, Stonecutter Street. 1885. Price Twopence.

La Bible Amusante pour les Grands et les Petits Enfants. Texte par Léo Taxil, Dessins par Frid’rick. Paris. Librairie Anti-Cléricale, Rue des Ecoles. This was published in weekly parts, at 50 centimes each. The illustrations were very humorous, but exceedingly profane.

――――:o:――――

Jocularity in the pulpit has been often reproved as unseemly, yet it is still largely indulged in by a certain class of ministers. Punch in the Pulpit, by Philip Cater (London: W. Freeman, 1863), gives some amusing examples of this curious kind of devotion.

On p. 108 a burlesque sermon founded on the Nursery Rhyme of Old Mother Hubbard was given, a similar production is sold by a printer named Tresize, in Beech Street, Barbican. It is styled A Yankee Sermon, and is founded on the text “For they shall knaw a file, and flee unto the mountains of Hepsidam, whar the lion roareth, and the wang-foodle mourneth for his first born.”

During his trials, Mr. Hone made several references to the following song, as showing that reverend and serious writers could jest about religious topics, without any intention to be profane. It was taken from the Reverend Mark Noble’s continuation of the Rev. Mr. Granger’s Biographical History of England, and showed that it was never apprehended by the most pious men, that a casual association of ludicrous images with matters of the Christian religion tended to weaken the respect due to that faith. Mr. Noble, in his work, quoted this song respecting Dr. Burnett, the author of The Theory of the Earth, and Master of the Charter-House:――

A Dean and prebendary Had once a new vagary; And were at doleful strife, sir, Who led the better life, sir, And was the better man, And was the better man.

The dean he said, that truly, Since Bluff was so unruly, He’d prove it to his face, sir, That he had the most grace, sir; And so the fight began, And so the fight began.

When Preb. replied like thunder, And roars out, ’twas no wonder, Since gods the dean had three, sir, And more by two than he, sir, For he had got but one, For he had got but one.

Now while these two were raging, And in dispute engaging, The Master of the CHARTER, Said both had caught a tartar; For gods, sir, there were none, For gods, sir, there were none.

That all the books of Moses Were nothing but supposes; That he deserv’d rebuke, sir, Who wrote the Pentateuch, sir; ’Twas nothing but a sham, ’Twas nothing but a sham.

That as for father Adam, With Mrs. Eve, his madam, And what the serpent spoke, sir, ’Twas nothing but a joke, sir, And well-invented flam, And well-invented flam.

Thus, in this battle royal, As none would take denial, The dame for whom they strove, sir, Could neither of them love, sir, Since all had given offence, Since all had given offence.

She therefore, slily waiting, Left all three fools a-prating; And being in a fright, sir, Religion took her flight, sir, And ne’er was heard of since, And ne’er was heard of since.

――――:o:――――

FRAGMENTS OF HYMNS.

Divine Songs of the Muggletonians, in Grateful Praise to the only True God, the Lord Jesus Christ, 1829.

This is a most extraordinary collection of balderdash to call Divine Songs; sung to such tunes as God save the Queen, Hearts of Oak, De’el take the Wars, etc. The following is from Hymn No. 127, sung to the tune of

“Ye Gentlemen of England”

“You faithful Muggletonians who truly do believe The Doctrine of Muggleton to be the same as Reeve; Let no wise anti-followers infuse into your ear, That a Prayer, Christ does hear, from us mortals here below.”

A Drug in the Market; being some of the Songs of Zion that are not Wanted, written by Jacobus.

THE SALVATION NAVY.

The Salvation Army was sure not to exist long without an imitator, and we are, therefore, not surprised to hear of a Salvation Navy, under the direction of a person calling himself Admiral Tug. Admiral Tug has learnt the trick from General Booth of treating the most sacred things with blasphemous familiarity, and he has summoned his supporters with the following imitation of the Arethusa sea-song:――

“ON BOARD OF THE ’ALLELUJAH!”

Come all you sinners, young and old, With ’earts once cast in ’Eaven’s mould, And join our Ker-istian Navy bold―― On board of the ’Allelujah! We’re bound to floor the forts of Sin, And the Devil himself will soon cave in, Then join the side that is sure to win―― On board of the ’Allelujah!

Punch, August 26, 1882.

A STRANGE PARAPHRASE.

The following lines were found written in the clerk’s book, at a church in Birmingham, some sixty years ago. The said clerk every Sunday afternoon gave out the same hymn:――

Come let us join our cheerful songs, As we have often done; Though we’ve variety of choice, Our song is always one.

Worthy the clerk, the people cry, Who our devotion leads; Worthy the people, he’ll reply, Who thus approve my deeds.

Let those who in the gallery sit, And placed above the rest, Join with their brethren in the pit, And vie in singing best.

The congregation join in one, To think the clerk to blame, That every Sunday afternoon, We’re bound to sing the same.

THE BRITISH LION’S PREY.

In the hymn sung at the christening of Baby Battenberg was the following stanza:――

Never from thy pastures roving, Let him be the lion’s prey; Let Thy tenderness so loving, Keep him all life’s dangerous way.

On returning from the chapel her Majesty, with the Royal Family, received the ladies and gentlemen in the Green Drawing Room, where refreshments were served, and her Majesty gave the health of Prince Leopold of Battenberg.――Court Circular.

Well, yes; we hope young Leopold May still keep well and skittish; But is that beast of prey tabooed, The lion that’s called British?

’Tis nice for Baby Battenberg To learn these songs of Zion; Still, what would Papa B. have done Without the British Lion?

The eagle is a noble bird That spreads its wings out yonder; But doesn’t find it “dangerous,” In lions’ dens to wander.

So, drinking Queen Victoria’s Toast, We’ve still our chance between a Good golden-plated Scottish Fife And a German concertina!

August, 1889.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.

God bless our gracious Queen! Since we have got a Queen; God save our Queen! Her form we seldom see, But, loyal subjects, we Take things so easily, And bless our Queen.

Oft at her southern seat, Or else her Scotch retreat, She hides away; She never comes to town; She lives on past renown; Minds, never wears, the crown, But draws her pay.

Soon may we hope to see Her Gracious Majesty, No absent Queen; Then shall we have good cause To open wide our jaws, And sing with hearty voice, God save our Queen!

W. H. EDMUNDS.

The Weekly Dispatch. July 10, 1881.

The following has been suggested as an additional stanza to the National Anthem:――

Grandchildren not a few, With great-grandchildren, too, She blest has been. We’ve been their sureties, Paid them gratuities, Pensions, annuities. God save the Queen!

Of purely Political parodies the number is so great, that any attempt at printing a complete collection is out of the question. At the most, mention can only be made, and brief extracts given from a few of the best examples. The King’s (or Queen’s) speeches to Parliament, on the opening and closing days, have been the subject of parodies for very many years.

One of the earliest, and certainly the most famous of these was an anonymous pamphlet published in 1778, entitled “Anticipation: Containing the substance of His Majesty’s Most Gracious Speech to both Houses of Parliament on the Opening of the approaching Session, together with a full and authentic account of the Debate which will take place in the House of Commons, on the motion for the Address, and the Amendment, with Notes.” (First published three Days before the Opening of the Session.) London: T. Beckett, 1778.

The address and the Debate occupy 74 pages octavo, and were no doubt highly entertaining at the time, as the characteristics and oddities of the various speakers who were satirised were then familiar, but have long since been forgotten.

The principal topic in the debate was the unfavourable issue of the War with the United States of America.

This clever pamphlet (which ran through several editions) was written by Richard Tickell, who died in 1793.

Coming to more modern times Figaro in London, a satirical paper which flourished in the “thirties,” had numerous parodies of Parliamentary Speeches, making fun of William IV, his wife, and his Ministers. These were generally illustrated by Seymour, who delighted to represent William as a silly old man, with a silly old face, and his wife as a scraggy virago, keeping the King very much under control.

THE KING’S SPEECH.

The annual period of humbug is at length come round again, and the time has arrived for the King to put his name to the rubbish which is drawn up for him by his Ministers.

Of course, we are, so far as any public sources of information are concerned, wholly ignorant of the subject of this precious bit of ministerial eloquence that is to close the first Session of our first Reformed Parliament, but our private channels are so numerous, that it is impossible for the Government to prevent the secrets of the Cabinet from coming into the cognizance of Figaro.

The following is a slight sketch of the document alluded to:――

My Lords and Gentlemen,

“I have to thank you for the very able manner in which you have contrived to humbug my people for the last seven months. I hope you will act in the same consistent manner next Session, for the dignity of your Lordship’s house, the protection of the Constitution, and the welfare of Great Britain.

Gentlemen of the House of Commons,

You have my most sincere thanks for the singular tact with which you have contrived to debate every night till a late hour, and have yet managed to do nothing at all but pass the Coercive Bill for Ireland.

By a continuance in the same course, you will, I am sure, contribute to the stability of my Ministry, and to filling the Parliamentary columns of the newspapers.

I cannot help expressing my admiration of the wonderful talent you have displayed in sitting under the name of a Reformed Parliament, and yet acting precisely in the same spirit as all preceding ones.

My Lords and Gentlemen of the House of Commons.

I am very happy to say, that my foreign relations are all as eager as ever to keep up the profession without the practice of liberality; and that Pedro is likely to be as great a scoundrel as his brother Miguel.

I hope, my Lords and Gentlemen, that when you meet next session, you will be as talkative as you have been during that which has just come to a close; and, that you will not think of business till my faithful ministers have a plea for saying it is too late to do any.

As for the supplies, I thank you for them, from the bottom of my heart, for I accept them as a strong mark of your attachment and loyalty.

My good people call for retrenchment, and I trust you will give your attention to the underlings of all offices, as you have done before, for a person who has little is better qualified to do without anything, than one who has been accustomed to a superfluity.

I am convinced your sense of honour will teach you to respect the great receivers of the public pay, while the little ones, being more numerous, will afford a wider display for and more room for the practise of your retrenching abilities.”

Figaro in London. August 31, 1833.

――――

THE QUEEN’S SPEECH.

Mr. Disraeli’s valet having abstracted from his master’s pocket a rough copy of the Royal Speech, transmitted it to us, we hasten to present the document to our readers.

MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN――

“The session now terminated, although not productive of any very striking measures, save that of creating me an Empress, has, nevertheless, proved highly advantageous to the country. My Government has been much occupied with undoing those acts of their predecessors which were considered as essentially beneficial to my subjects. I trust that these efforts will tend, under Providence, to the maintenance of the Tories in office, and to my own and my children’s benefit.

We must all deeply regret that civil war has broken out in the empire of my old and attached ally, the Turk. It appears he has been compelled to bayonet a number of babies, violate numerous maidens, and outrage a multitude of married women. But as my Prime Minister assures me these are the ordinary occurrences of civil warfare, we need trouble ourselves no further on the subject.

My trusty cousin the Duke of Cambridge having, through instituting the late military manœuvres for the mobilization of my army, revealed to the nation his own utter imbecility and that of the department over which he presides, I have thought fit to recognise such distinguished services by bestowing on him the colonelcy of the 17th Lancers, worth £1,300 per annum.

As the march of my third son, the Duke of Connaught, from Liverpool to Edinburgh, is universally recognised as one of the greatest military achievements of the age, and surrounded with danger, the Lord Archbishop of Canterbury will prepare a special form of thanksgiving to Providence for the happy issue of this stupendous exploit.

The navy is conspicuous, as heretofore, for its thorough efficiency. My relative, the Prince of Leiningen, has not yet had an opportunity of distinguishing himself on the Solent, but, doubtless, before the season closes, he will again display that nautical skill for which he has rendered himself so famous. My second son Alfred, has been appointed to the Sultan, which ship has hitherto been quietly at anchor in Besika Bay. Should the opportunity present itself, I feel assured that he will duly qualify himself for the post of Lord High Admiral by running the Sultan ashore,[350] sinking a consort, or some equally meritorious service. My First Lord of the Admiralty has, however, fully maintained the great credit he obtained for his management of the navy, through the destruction of the Vanguard and the Mistletoe, by the recent explosion on board the Thunderer, and the slaughter of forty men; thus, at one and the same time, giving an impetus to the engineering and undertaking trades, and proving, beyond question, the perfect ability of my navy――to destroy itself.

The financial condition of the country is, I rejoice to state, in most respects satisfactory. You have managed to increase the national income by imposing two millions of taxation on my subjects, doubtless a very proper proceeding; but, at the same time, I must remind you that mine has not been increased. I am, moreover, gratified in being able to announce that owing to Sir Bartle Frere’s economical management of the grant allowed to my eldest son for the purposes of his religious mission to India, a threepenny-piece out of the sum will be returned to the Treasury. Many distinguished foreigners have come to England of late, and after having been entertained at their own expense, and visited the Mausoleum, doubtless left the country duly impressed with the magnificent hospitality of its Court.

My lords and gentlemen, in dismissing you to the pleasures of grouse shooting, after a laborious session, which, in the course of five months has managed to undo much of the good that it took years to effect, I trust that Providence will further your future efforts in the same praiseworthy direction.”

From Reynolds’ Newspaper. August, 1876.

――――

In 1884, Truth offered a prize for the nearest forecast of the speech to be delivered on the opening of Parliament, and many replies were published, amongst which the following was, perhaps, the most amusing, although not written in accordance with the regulations of the competition:――

[Enter Councillors, thirsting for information as to the future programme of the Powers-that-be.]

My Lords, and Gentlemen of the House of Commons,

I have purposely summoned you late Till I’d settled some matters of weight, Now, I’ve called you together To talk of the weather And other great matters of State.

I’m pacific, as all must confess, On the blessings of peace I lay stress, I’m on friendly relations With all other nations, (Sotto voce) What matters a war more or less?

Gentlemen of the House of Commons,

There’re a few “little Bills” to be met―― Their nature just now I forget―― On the eve of Vacation They’ll make a sensation, You’ll hardly hear much of them yet.

My Lords and Gentlemen of the House of Commons,

Notwithstanding “hard times” I am told “Penny buns” still for pennies are sold. Thus food is abundant, And copper’s redundant, And “coppers,” if saved, become gold.

I feel a remark should be made On the singular absence of shade, For the “glass” at “set fine” Is an excellent sign Of a rapid revival in trade.

Your labours are heavy and pressing, I trust you won’t find them distressing, Avoid long debates, Pass what William dictates, And accept, please――per proxy――my blessing.

[Exeunt Councillors of the Lower House, grateful for the information thus generously bestowed.]

WEAR-GIFFORD.

Truth, February 7, 1884.

Several parodies of King’s and Queen’s speeches will also be found in The Court of Session Garland. London: Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1888. These relate principally to Scotch affairs.

――――

A QUEEN’S SPEECH FROM THE PALACE OF TRUTH.

My Lords and Gentlemen:――

I’m glad, in meeting you to-day, To tell you things are going on in much the usual way, Thanks to my Ministers’ old plan of toadying Powers they fear, And sitting humbly down beneath snubs open and severe; Thanks, also, to the patent fact that ’tis Prince Bismarck’s will This country with all neighbouring lands at peace continues still; Though ’tis but right this further fact I should to you confide, We may be any day at war, should Bismarck so decide.

In Burma, since I met you last, more natives have been slain, And rebel tribes, four times subdued, have been subdued again; In India, ’spite the silly things by my advisers done, A Chinese War, most strange to say, has not yet been begun; Nor have the many efforts made the Llamas to excite Availed to make the Thibetans once more my soldiers fight; Whilst recent news from Suakin enable me to say That Osman Digna will not need re-killing till next May.

As to the various Colonies which form our Empire great, They still remain beneath my sway, most curious to relate; For though my Ministers with much post-prandial declamation Are very prone to talk about “Imperial Federation,” They have not lost a chance of late to snub, insult, and slight Those Colonies which they declare they’re anxious to unite. So far, however, I repeat, their efforts have proved vain,―― An undivided Empire still is that o’er which I reign. Even in Ireland, tyranny too terrible to tell Has failed to goad my subjects ’gainst their tyrants to rebel; And, though their trusted leaders have been sent by scores to prison, Such is their loyalty and sense, the Irish have not risen.

Gentlemen of the Commons:――

You, without surprise, will note That certain Estimates you will be duly asked to vote. From saying, though, that they’ve been framed with a sincere regard For thrift and for economy, I am, perforce, debarred; For it is certain they’ve been framed upon a lavish scale, That Tory candidates may still at Dockyard towns prevail; That Ministers may, in effect, still foster with a bribe Their infamous alliance with St. Jingo’s yelling tribe; And that, in short, they may thereby their spell of power prolong, And with Corruption’s aid eke out their wretched reign of wrong.

My Lords and Gentlemen:――

You may be called on to debate Many important Bills of which the names I cannot state; Since, owing to the absence of Lord Hartington from town, It would, of course, be premature to put their titles down. They must, of course, though, just to help the Marquis play his part, Pretend that they the people’s good have very much at heart, And so they may, with his assent, prepare a Bill or two, Which they, however, will take care that neither House pass through.

Go then, My Lords and Gentlemen, go, and remember, pray, That the chief end and aim why you are summoned here to-day Is that you may vote fresh “Supplies,” by which, if well expended, My Ministers’ sweet spell of power may further be extended, And thus put off, for one more year, that reckoning with the nation, Which Tories and D.L.’s await with such grim trepidation.

Truth. February 21, 1889.

――――

An answer to the Proclamation calling out the Reserve Forces was

PUNCH’S PROCLAMATION.

PUNCHIUS, R.

Whereas, by the Reserve (Moral) Force Acts of no particular date, but of general recognition and universal application, it is, amongst other things, provided that, in case of imminent national danger and emergency, the Reserve Forces of Prudence, Patience, Patriotism, Justice, Magnanimity, Wise Forethought, and Rational Self-Restraint, ordinarily latent in the breasts of the sober, sagacious, and, for the most part, silent portion of the community, may authoritatively be called out on active public service.

And whereas the present state of public affairs and public opinion, and the necessity in connection therewith of taking steps for the maintenance of peace, and for the protection of real interests, honour, and fair fame of the Empire, and, especially, of checking the insurgent forces of Pride, Passion, Prejudice, and spurious (if well-intended) Patriotism, now and for some time past deplorably and mischievously rampant, in our opinion, constitute a case of great emergency within the meaning of the said Acts:

Now, therefore, We do, in pursuance of the said Acts and of our earnest endeavour for the furtherance of the Public Weal, hereby direct that forthwith all classes of the Reserve Forces above specified be called out on permanent service, and shall henceforth proceed to and attend in their places (in Parliament or otherwise), and at such time or times as may be needful, to serve as part of Our Army of Moral Militancy until their services are no longer required.

Given at our Court in Fleet-street this tenth day of April, in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and seventy-eight, and the thirty seventh of our reign.

Vivat Punchius!

Punch, April 1878.

――――

“ADS.” OF THE FUTURE.

[Illustration: T]O BE LET for Public Meetings, Regimental Dinners, Balls, Fancy Fairs, and other purposes for which a large and handsome room is desirable, all that eligible and highly decorated Apartment commonly known as the “Gilded Chamber,” with a quantity of carved Benches, covered with scarlet morocco leather, which could easily be adapted for use as rout seats. Also a commodious Anteroom, suitable for a cloak-room or refreshment buffet, hitherto used as “The Peers’ Robing Room.” For terms, apply to Lord Redesdale, on the premises.

[Illustration: T]O SPEAKERS OF LOCAL PARLIAMENTS, COLLECTORS OF HISTORICAL RELICS, ANTIQUARIANS, &c.――To be Sold by Private Contract, “The Woolsack,” occupied up to the date of the Disestablishment of the House of Lords by the Lord Chancellor. This interesting Constitutional object is in excellent repair, and will be sold with a warranty of its genuineness. It is stuffed with the finest white wool, and covered with crimson repp of the best quality, and being positively unique, is well worthy the attention of purchasers.

[Illustration: M]R. and MRS. SOLOMON HARTT having been favoured with the patronage of a large number of the most distinguished members of the late House of Lords, beg to inform the public that they have on hand for immediate disposal a large assortment of A1 State Robes, trimmed with ermine, including many quite equal to new. Also a large selection of silver-gilt, electro-plate, and nickel silver Coronets, ducal, early, baronial, &c., &c. Mr. and Mrs. S. H. invite special attention to this unprecedented opportunity for obtaining the above articles at the most moderate figures. Robes altered to fit intending purchasers, without extra charge. N.B.――Several of the Coronets have never been worn in public. An early inspection is solicited, as Mr. and Mrs. S. H. have received an order from the King of Bungoo-Wungoo for a set of uniforms for his newly-formed body-guard.

[Illustration: M]ESSRS. KNOCKIT and SELLEM beg to announce that their next Tuesday’s Sale will include two Swords of State, seven State Cocked Hats, four ditto Crimson Robes, one Silver Mace, one Black Rod (tipped with silver), one carved Oak Throne, twenty-seven Suits of Official Livery, various, and numerous other miscellaneous articles, formerly the property of the House of Lords, which have been consigned for Unreserved Sale. Catalogues on application.

Funny Folks, August 2, 1884.

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Lord Carnarvon had an interview with Mr. Parnell in Dublin, when they discussed the question of Home Rule for Ireland. The Conservative press denied that the interview had any serious political meaning, or that Lord Carnarvon had any authority to treat with Mr. Parnell, for his parliamentary support.

LIMITED LIABILITY.

A DIALOGUE.

SCENE.――Library in Lord Carnarvon’s house. Lord Carnarvon and Mr. Parnell “discovered.”

Lord C――――: Delighted to see you Mr. Parnell. Lucky chance your happening to call on me! Quite an accident, of course?

Mr. P――――, coldly: Lucky chance my having heard from your friend that your lordship wished to see me. Quite an accident, of course.

Lord C――――, gloomily: Quite, quite; (brightening up) Mr. P――――, we meet of course only to exchange the most casual and superficial ideas――merely as private gentlemen, and not representing anybody or anything?

Mr. P――――: Quite so. Exactly.

Lord C――――: But there is one thing that I may say officially and with authority. In my capacity as Viceroy of Ireland, and speaking with the sanction of the whole Cabinet on this particular subject, a subject on which I may say we are absolutely unanimous, I have to state that I do think the weather so far is disappointing and disagreeable.

Mr. P――――, solemnly: Lord C――――, I have no hesitation in saying, not only on my own behalf, but on that of the whole Irish Parliamentary party, and of the Irish people as well, that we, too, find the weather disappointing and disagreeable.

Lord C――――: That’s all right. But now, Mr. P――――, coming to unimportant matters, and speaking together as men absolutely free from any manner of responsibility, and, indeed, having no particular motive of any kind but that of whiling away a few minutes in pleasant gossip, do you think it would be a good thing if we――the Conservatives――were to introduce a Home Rule measure for Ireland?

Mr. P――――: Lord C――――, I am now speaking entirely as a private, and I may say an isolated individual, having no knowledge of the views of any of my colleagues, and, indeed, assuming that they would be rather opposed to me than not in most things, and thus free from all responsibility, I venture to say that I, for myself, should not be displeased if you were to introduce a Home Rule measure for Ireland.

Lord C――――: Thanks; then again I should like to ask you, merely to gratify the idlest personal curiosity, and not having consulted or intending ever to consult any human being on the subject, whether you think that if I were to promise――just for the fun of the thing you know――to get such a measure introduced, you could promise――also of course for the mere fun of the thing――to give us your support at the coming elections?

Mr. P――――: Well, of course, regarding the whole thing as a mere light-hearted piece of pleasantry, between two men notorious for their vivacity and levity, and neither of whom could be supposed to have any serious purpose of any kind, I may say perhaps that in such a case I could promise, just for the fun of the thing――as you happily put it――I could promise you some support at the coming elections.

Lord C――――: Thanks very much. Now coming to serious subjects.――May I ask you Mr. P―――― whether you, speaking officially as leader of the Irish people, are prepared to agree in an opinion which I have the authority of the whole Cabinet for expressing, that the present season in London is likely to be short and unsatisfactory?

Mr. P――――: On such a question as this I speak with a profound sense of responsibility; but I have no hesitation in saying, as leader of the Irish Parliamentary party, on behalf of that party and of the whole people of Ireland, and likewise on behalf of the Irish Populations of America, Australia, Brazil, and Patagonia, that Ireland’s conviction is that the present season in London will be short and unsatisfactory.

They shake hands solemnly and part.

The Daily News, June 19, 1888.

――――

POLITICAL MANIFESTOES.

Mr. Chamberlain’s Address.

Gentlemen.――The new Parliament is about to be dissolved under circumstances unparalleled in the history of this country. I am alive, and not one of the bosses of the show. At the 1885 election, Mr. Gladstone, extending his usual method, indicated four subjects of primary importance. Need I add that one of these, the one, was myself? Under these circumstances, it does not appear to have entered into the mind of any Liberal candidate that within a few weeks he would be invited to consider a vast revolution in the relations between me and the G. O. M.

The 1885 election was fought on the programme formulated by Mr. Gladstone, subject to my approval, and on collateral issues of purely domestic interest. Now, as I am only capable of understanding domestic and vestry matters, it will be readily understood that I disapprove of any dealing with large and statesmanlike questions beyond my comprehension. What the Liberal party in last November solemnly and seriously declared to be unsafe, the Prime Minister, egged on I do not doubt by that accursed Morley, has now deliberately undertaken. The authority of the Prime Minister has been sufficient to work this startling transformation, and mine, alas! insufficient to prevent it. The Irish Government Bill (i.e., Mr. Gladstone) would repeal the act of union between me and the G.O.M. It would also set up a rival Parliament in Dublin; and――you may believe one who has suffered much from a rival politician in London――this will be most unpleasant.

To desert me for Morley――me, whose only crime in the G.O.M.’s eyes is the peddling and board-of-guardians’ spirit in which I approach all questions――is an act of ingratitude and cowardice unworthy only of the Caucus.

So anxious am I, not particularly to stop Home Rule, but most particularly to teach the G.O.M. a severe lesson for preferring Morley to me, that I say nothing for the moment even against those landlords, my customary mark, who hold their land by exactly the same means and right as I hold my capital. Nor am I, under the circumstances, disinclined to coercion.

No one has recognised more strongly than myself the claims of party and the duty incumbent on all to sacrifice individual preferences to the necessity of united action, when it suits them. But I am so real riled at the way the G.O.M. and Morley have treated me that, in spite of all my ill-temper and mischief-making, I hope to retain the support, though I have lost the confidence, of those whose interests I have loyally endeavoured to serve, as long as they did not conflict with my own, and in whose midst my life as a capitalist has been spent, and my work of screw and caucus-making accomplished.

(Signed) J. CHAMBERLAIN.

The other manifestoes were less amusing, they parodied Sir Charles Dilke, Lord Randolph Churchill, and Mr. Gladstone.

The Topical Times, June 26, 1886.

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SAUNDERSON AND WARING.

“When Gladstone gets his Home Rule Bill,” Says Saunderson to Waring, “Then you and I and Ballykill Will show our martial daring; Without delay, the very day That down such gage he pitches, We’ll fill our flasks from jars and casks, And march to line the ditches.

With skill and might, and valor bright, We’ll set the world a-staring.” “We surely will,” says Ballykill; “Of course we will,” says Waring.

“If in the fields the rebel rout Will not confront our Lodges, In street and lane we’ll find them out Despite their craven dodges; We’ll pot the rascals at their doors, We’ll club the babes and spouses, We’ll sack their shops, and wreck their stores, And loot their public-houses.

And then ’twill be a joy to see Our boys the plunder sharing―― The victor’s toil deserve the spoil.” “Of course it does,” says Waring.

“If met by forces of the Crown ’Neath flags and banners royal, We’ll simply shoot the traitors down For conduct so disloyal; We’ll feel a pang at every bang, We’ll weep with every volley; But theirs the blame, the sin, the shame, The treason and the folly.

In smiting wrong we must be strong, Unpitying and unsparing;” “’Tis Heaven’s will,” says Ballykill. “The will of heaven,” says Waring.

“Great chiefs will come from distant parts, And foreign institutions, To study all our Orange arts And Purple evolutions; And when our glorious fight is won, They’ll all go home declaring Earth holds no match for Saunderson, And scarcely one for Waring!”

“They surely will,” says Ballykill, “There’s no one worth comparing With our great gun, brave Saunderson.” “Well, hardly one,” says Waring.

T. D. Sullivan, M.P. in The Nation, August, 1889.

Colonel Saunderson, M.P., had asserted at a public meeting that, if Parliament should grant Home Rule to Ireland, 50,000 men of Ulster would immediately rise in rebellion against it, and fight to the last ditch. He did not, however, attempt to justify this statement when called upon to do so in the House of Commons.

――――:o:――――

For many years past Mr. Gladstone has been the “leading article” in the stock-in-trade of Caricaturists and Parodists. His personal appearance, his collars, his umbrella, his hobby for felling trees, his great learning, his immense vitality, and his mode of speaking, have all furnished topics for satires and lampoons.

It would be impossible to refer to anything like a proportion of these, but the following may be mentioned as typical examples.

The Morning Post (London), September 24, 1884, contained an unreported Midlothian Speech on Free Trade, supposed to have been delivered by Mr. Gladstone, but really written by Mr. Edward Sullivan.

The St. Stephen’s Review (London), October 29, 1887, contained a prospectus, of which the following is a brief abstract:――

THE HAWARDEN ESTATE BLOCK WOOD COMPANY, LIMITED.

Incorporated under the Companies Acts, 1862 to 1883, whereby the liability of the Shareholders is limited to the amount of their Shares.

CAPITAL £100,000, IN 100,000 SHARES OF £1 EACH.

Payable――5s. per share on Application, 5s. per share on Allotment, and the remainder One Month after Allotment

DIRECTORS.

The EARL OF ROSEBERY, The Durdans, Epsom. LORD WOLVERTON, 7, Stratton Street, Piccadilly, W. HERBERT GLADSTONE, Esq., M.P., Hawarden Castle. The Rev. H. DREW, The Rectory, Hawarden. *The Right Hon. W. E. GLADSTONE, Hawarden Castle (Chairman). * Will join the Board after allotment.

Secretary――H. DRAKE DIGBY, Esq., National Liberal Club. Temporary Offices――23, ALBEMARLE STREET, W.

ABRIDGED PROSPECTUS.

During the past twenty years, and indeed ever since it became generally known that Mr. Gladstone was in the habit of wielding an axe, a steady flow of letters has ceaselessly poured into Hawarden Castle from all parts of the world, asking for chips and blocks of wood cut from the timber felled by the right honourable gentleman.

At first these demands were complied with so far as it was possible to do so, but as the Irish Question surged to the front, and Mr. Gladstone’s popularity with the civilised world increased, it became hopeless to deal with the applications, which have accumulated to such an extent that the paper on which the applications are written has been weighed out of curiosity, and is found to weigh 4 tons 17 cwt. 3 qrs. 17 lbs.

Some fortnight or so ago Mr. Gladstone announced through the press that in future, blocks from timber cut down by his hand would only be supplied on receipt of a postal order for three shillings.

He did this in the hope that it would deter his numerous correspondents, instead of which they have increased twenty-fold. Under the circumstances, it occurred to Mr. Gladstone that by the erection of large and commodious saw mills the demand might be dealt with and a lucrative industry started without any very large outlay.

Mr. Gladstone, whose great name is the sole origin of the business, and who is henceforward, called the vendor, can cut down three medium-sized trees per diem. These trees will yield an average of 7,000 blocks, which, sold at 3s., means a daily sale of

£ 1,050 300 working days ―――――――― £315,000 Deduct cost of 900 trees, say £10 9,000 ―――――――― £306,000 Erection of saw mills and 12 months’ labour of 100 men at 25s. per week 10,000 ―――――――― £296,000 Profit on first year’s operations.

It is perfectly obvious that the public demand is so great that the entire estate can be disafforested at an enormous profit, the price of three shillings per cubic foot block being as nearly as possible 30 times the normal value of the timber.

As the only drawback to the success of the undertaking is the illness, or, it may be, possible demise of the vendor, his life will be insured as a first preliminary for £100,000, being the entire capital of the company.

It is not anticipated that it will be necessary to call up more than the allotment money, as it is calculated when the premium has been paid on the vendor’s life, and the stipulated price for the goodwill (£25,000) has been handed over to the vendor, there will still remain sufficient in hand to erect the necessary saw mills and machinery.

The following contract has been entered into: An agreement dated the 23rd day of October, 1887, and made between William Ewart Gladstone of the one part, and Archibald Philip Primrose, Earl of Rosebery, on behalf of the company, of the other part.

Copies of the agreement of purchase, valuers’ certificates, and memorandum and articles of association may be inspected at the offices of the company, or of the bankers.

――――

Scarcely a week passes but what Mr. Gladstone appears as the central figure in Judy’s political cartoon; Judy has also published (separately) some burlesque Company prospectuses, one in 1885 was entitled “W. E. GLADSTONE & Co., Limited,” with a capital of One Million in £10 Shares. The proposed Directorate included the following names: The Rt. Hon. W. E. G. Chairman. Mr. H. Childish. Sir Veneer Half-caste. The Earl Gumboil. The Earl Drowsy. Marquis of Heart-in-Mouth. Joseph Chimneypot, Esq. (of the Birmingham Affidavit Manufacturing Company), and Sir. C. Bilke.

A long list was given of the objects to be achieved by the Company, all of which were represented as being nefarious and unpatriotic, such being the usual and natural assertion of each political party with regard to the actions of the other.

Another publication issued from the Judy office, dated November 1, 1885, and sold for threepence, was a legal looking paper, endorsed The Last Will and Testament of William Ewart Gladstone. This was not a very witty production, the most notable clauses it contains are those in which Mr. Gladstone appoints Joseph Chamberlain and Bottomley Firth as his executors; the bequest to Lord Randolph Churchill “of twelve pence sterling to the end he may therewith buy a rope of hemp and go hang himself;” to the Sublime Porte of “a complete file of Newspapers containing all my speeches on the Bulgarian Atrocities;” and to Sir Charles Dilke “my Law treatise containing chapters on Decrees Nisi.”

There are three Codicils to this will, all in very involved and complicated language, and each one contradictory to the others. This production had a large sale.

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In October, 1879, The Examiner published an amusing series of imaginary letters supposed to pass between the leaders of both the great political parties, and their followers. The following three are selected as examples:――

LORD SALISBURY TO LORD BEACONSFIELD.

Dieppe, Oct. 10.

MY DEAR BEACONSFIELD,――I saw Waddington two days ago. His bewilderment when I frankly told him that we had no Greek policy would have been amusing, had it not led to a long and troublesome remonstrance from him. It appears that he thought we were in earnest at Berlin. Of course I hastened to undeceive him, and to point out that our only object at the Congress was to quiet the people at home, and arrange with the Russians abroad. However, I satisfied him at last by telling him he may do as he pleases in Egypt.

By the way, I shall be speaking in a few days; I suppose you have nothing to suggest. Grant Duff must be smashed, and we must take what credit we can get out of Afghanistan. But as Hartington is still, and Gladstone keeps out of the way, I am afraid I shall have to tilt against egg-shells――for Harcourt is nobody.――Yours ever,

SALISBURY.

Have you heard of Derby’s latest move?

LORD BEACONSFIELD TO LORD SALISBURY.

Hughenden Manor, Oct. 13.

MY DEAR SALISBURY,――Waddington does not quite know us yet, or he would not have been surprised. If he is satisfied, however, with our Egyptian plans, we will not trouble any longer about him.

Your speech should be of great service. Harcourt may, as you say, be dismissed very shortly――the impulsive imagination of his immature intellect needs little comment from you. Hartington is in a difficulty. The Home Rulers, on one hand, and the Disestablishment section on the other, are too many for him. Can you not hint at the various nature of the forces he leads――aëronauts, somnambulists, monomaniacs, misanthropes, and nomads? As for Gladstone, it seems to me that he might be ferreted out. The perennial perplexities of a pedagogic mind have driven him once more to silence. Before he can present himself in Midlothian, he must decide upon which conviction he will follow. A word to that effect from you might reach him.

As for your audience, we trust to the generous judgment of a judicial race. Leave the policy in that fashion. It will flatter them.――Believe me, ever yours,

BEACONSFIELD.

SIR STAFFORD NORTHCOTE TO LORD BEACONSFIELD.

Dublin, Oct. 12.

MY DEAR LORD BEACONSFIELD,――I trust you will have seen that I implicitly followed your instructions. I have spoken for hours, and said absolutely nothing; received scores of persons, and let them talk, too, without expressing the slightest opinion; and the result is that I am most popular. Their idea seemed to be that I was preparing some scheme for the relief of distress, and as they were pleased with that notion, I was of course careful not to destroy it. On the whole, I have neither compromised the Government nor myself, which is saying something.――Ever yours,

S. NORTHCOTE.

This last letter refers to Irish affairs, which have given rise to many political skits; one of the most important of these was a pamphlet, published in 1886, by Reeves and Turner, entitled “Opening and Proceedings of the Irish Parliament. Two Visions.” The author, Mr. G. H. Moore, thus describes the plan of his little work:――“In the following pages you are presented with two forecasts of the proceedings of the proposed Irish Parliament, taken from different standpoints. They are intended to illustrate the conflicting opinions entertained of the future, should Mr. Gladstone’s Irish Bills pass into law.

The exaggerated fears and gloomy mistrust of the opponents of the measures are ludicrously drawn in one picture; and in the other, the serious hopes and the brighter anticipations of the promoters and supporters of the measures are assumed to have been realised.”

Articles based on the same idea, appeared in the Topical Times in July 1886, entitled “The Dublin Parliament. A Forecast,” describing the scenes of joy and enthusiasm in the Irish capital on the first assembling of a National Parliament.

――――

THE OMNIBUS.

It is just sixty years ago since this convenient vehicle was introduced into our streets by Mr. J. Shillibeer. The first Omnibus ran from the Yorkshire Stingo in the New Road, to the Bank of England, and the fare was one shilling. The speculation succeeded at once, and the omnibus traffic in London has been rapidly increasing ever since. The following parody on Barry Cornwall’s The Sea! The Sea! is taken from Mr. Hindley’s reprint of Egan’s “Life in London.”

The ’Buss! the ’Buss! the Omnibus! That welcomes all without a fuss; And wafts us on with joyous sound, Through crowded streets on our busy round; Reckless of cold and gloomy skies, Or the driving storm as it downward flies: Stow’d snug in thee! stow’d snug in thee! I am where I would wish to be. While the rain above and the mud below Affect me not where’er I go―― Though the sleet and the slush be ankle deep, What matters while I can ride so cheap? What matters? etc.

I love, oh how I love to ride, In cosy converse side by side, With some sweet sly enchanting one, Who lets her little ’larum run Till scarcely can the listener know If that or time more swiftly go! Henceforth I know the terrible bore Of “padding the hoof” no more, no more; But back to this seat I so oft have press’d I’ll spring to be wafted the while I rest: For thou, dear ’Buss! art a home to me, While I am snugly seated in thee, While I am, etc.

The original of this song, with other parodies on it, will be found on p. 204, Vol. 4 of this collection.

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On page 106 a splendid parody was given of “The House that Jack Built,” entitled The Domicile Erected by John. A correspondent pointed out that this was written by the late Mr. E. L. Blanchard, and on consulting his famous Drury-Lane Annuals, it was discovered as a preface to the Pantomime for 1861-62, styled “Harlequin and the House that Jack built.” Mr. Blanchard’s poem is not quite so long as the version given in Parodies, some ingenious person having undertaken to add to, and improve upon Mr. Blanchard’s work.

LITERARY FORGERIES AND IMPOSTURES.

Although literary forgeries have undoubtedly some relationship with Parodies, it is of so distant a nature that, even were space available, they could not be dealt with at any length in this Collection. A brief summary of the principal Impostures must therefore suffice, those who wish to learn the details are referred to an interesting little work, entitled Famous Literary Impostures, by H. R. Montgomery. London. E. W. Allen. No date.

(Why do Publishers omit dates?)

Mr. Montgomery’s chapters deal with Thomas Chatterton and the Rowley poems; James Macpherson’s Poems of Ossian; Samuel W. H. Ireland’s Vortigern, and other Shakespearian Forgeries; George Psalmanazar and the Formosa Imposture; and the Bentley and Boyle controversy as to the Epistles of Phalaris.

Of course had Mr. Montgomery chosen to enlarge his work, he might have made some amusing chapters out of William Lander’s attempt to prove Milton a plagiarist and an impostor; of the Squire letters which deceived Thomas Carlyle; the Shapira M.S.S. which deceived some clever Egyptologists and Antiquarians; the Vrain-Lucas letters which deceived M. Michel Chasles, an eminent French Mathematician; the Shelley forgeries which deceived Robert Browning; and the Donnelly cryptogram which has deceived no one having any knowledge of the life and works of Shakespeare.

In Isaac D’Israeli’s Curiosities of Literature there is a short chapter on this topic, principally devoted to instances amongst ancient and foreign writers, with a few remarks about Psalmanazar and William Lander.

There is also some information to be found in a chapter, called “Supposition d’Auteurs,” in Curiosités Littéraires, par Ludovic Lalanne. Paris, Adolphe Delahays, 1857. This also deals principally with the works of foreign literary Impostors. But by far the most important and most reliable work on the subject is that written by the late M. Octave Delepierre, entitled “Supercheries Littéraires, Pastiches, Suppositions d’Auteur, dans les lettres et dans les Arts.” London, N. Trubner & Co. 1872. Only 200 copies of this valuable work were issued, it is consequently very difficult to procure. Most literary frauds have been exposed, and not a few of the forgers have been punished. Chatterton and Shapira committed suicide, and Vrain-Lucas was sent to prison for two years, and fined 500 francs.

A writer in the Daily News (July 17, 1886) observed: “The motives of the Literary Forger seem obscure to plain people. He has nothing to gain by it all, they say; he does not make money, like the forger of a cheque; he can seldom sell his forgery to advantage, as the latest biblical forger, Shapira, of the sham manuscript gospel, discovered. He merely poisons the very wells of history and throws doubt on all original “sources.” People who reason thus forget that every artist takes joy in his art, and that all art is imitation. The art of the forger is to imitate ancient manuscripts and inscriptions. L’Art pour l’art is his motto. He revels in his own cleverness and power of deceiving others. This is his reward. Thus a famous French archæologist, now dead, took in his own father with some sham Greek inscriptions. Thus William Ireland went on writing Shakespearian autographs, and even Shakespearian manuscript plays, chiefly to satisfy the most tricky sense of humour, and delight in the absurdities of learned men. Probably enough Joe Smith began his Mormon Bible with no serious thought of founding a religion, but merely, as other literary forgers used, for the fun of the thing. Sooner or later these things are found out. They amuse the learned, and no great harm is done. But perhaps the jester Rabelais did not see the jest when he was beguiled into publishing, with grave and learned notes, a classical manuscript which was really the work of two of his contemporaries. These clever ghosts must chuckle still over the trick they played the author of “Pantagruel.” A meaner joke was passed on Meursius, whose respectable name is inextricably associated with a peculiarly abominable Latin work, attributed to him by its actual author, who thus gratified a spite of long standing. Literary forgers are the very Pucks of letters, and all honest men will hope they find their deserts in a Hades of their own.”

A BIBLIOGRAPHY OF PARODY AND BURLESQUE.

The approaching completion of the sixth and last volume of Parodies has by no means exhausted the materials which, for five and twenty years past, I have been accumulating. Indeed the subject is inexhaustible, but having given all the best parodies of English and American writers, it only remains now to mention others which were either too long, or too dull, to find a home herein, and to refer briefly to some of the principal Foreign travesties.

Only the true book hunter can appreciate the pleasures I have experienced in the never ending search for parodies and burlesques. The difficulty in obtaining some particular volumes, not to be found in the British Museum Library, which might (and sometimes did) turn up in some out-of-the-way old book shop. The delight with which they were carried home, collated, cleaned, patched and mended, to be finally packed off to Zaehnsdorf who clothes them in all the glory of calf and gilt, artistically, as his name does warrant.

In walking tours in England, in holiday trips on the Continent, and even in the few spare moments stolen to turn aside from the noise and bustle of London city into back streets and dingy alleys; in pawnbrokers, and in secondhand furniture shops, aye, even in rag and waste paper shops, have been gathered up little, dirty, torn odd volumes to add to my store, my beloved Parody Collection. Thus have materials been gathered for such a Collection of Literary trifles and jeux d’esprit as has never yet been published.

LONDON, dear old London! is the paradise of the book hunter, and of the book worm; of the one who buys books, and of the other, who merely reads them. Here all tastes and all purses may be gratified; the rare and costly volumes of the King of Collectors, Bernard Quaritch; the humble “All at 2d. in this Box;” the first editions as collected by Elkin Mathews; or the cheap, but curious volumes to be found in the long book room of honest, kindly John Salkeld in the Clapham Road, whose catalogues (good as they are), but faintly express the wonderful knowledge of books and men he possesses.

Next, after London, come the quiet little book stores of the old Cathedral cities, such as Exeter and Canterbury; here, if theology is a trifle too obtrusive, the dealer will soon gauge your appetite, and provide a fitting meal. Then, I would say Paris, but the Paris of to-day is, in this respect, vastly inferior to Paris under the Empire. Then, a stroll along the quays and boulevards led to good sport, for the game was plentiful, and ridiculously cheap. The element of cheapness remains, but the true literary flavour is wanting. Thousands of books, that are not books, school and prize books, old almanacs, dreary directories, medical reports, and soiled copies of trashy novels. These form the bulk.

“La Parodie, Monsieur? La Parodie n’existe plus. Il y a trente ans qu’elle est morte dans la France,” was the remark made to me lately by a bookseller in the Galérie D’Orléans. It is but too true, the literary sarcasm, and the pleasant malice of the good old fashioned parody seem indeed to be dead in France.

“Ils se moquent de tous, mais ils ne plaisantent pas,” said another dealer speaking of their authors, and so it happens that in my private collection, but a poor hundred or so of volumes are of French parentage, and the titles of some of these are all that is fit to be read, unless by an enthusiastic student of Rabelais.

No mention was made in the prospectus of “Parodies” that Foreign parodies would be included, but a few brief notes as to the principal continental examples may be given, followed by such English works on the subject as have not already been described.

French Parodies and Burlesques.

The very first book of reference to be mentioned under this head is La Parodie, chez les Grecs, chez les Romains, et chez les Modernes. Par Octave Delepierre. Londres: Trubner & Cie, 1870. This contains a great deal of information, but it is far from complete.

In Les Curiosités Littéraires par Ludovic Lalanne (Paris, 1857) is a chapter, entitled Du Genre Burlesque in which there is considerable information on Parody in general, and French parody in particular. The first piece mentioned is La Passion de Notre-Seigneur Jésus Christ, en vers burlesques, published in 1649; then come the works of Sarrasin, and of Assouci, the latter wrote Ovide en belle humeur and the Ravissement de Proserpine.

La Pharsale de Lucain, en vers enjoués, par Brébeuf, Paris 1655.

L’Eschole de Salerne, en vers burlesques, par Martin Leydon, 1656.

Peter Langendik, a Dutch poet, wrote a parody of the fourth book of the Æneid, which he called Enée endimanché; and the Danish poet, the Baron de Holberg, also wrote burlesque translations of parts of Virgil’s great poem.

For details concerning a number of less important French Parodies and Burlesques, see also l’Histoire de la Littérature Comique, and l’Histoire Burlesque, de Flogel.

Les Odes d’Horace en vers Burlesques. Published at Leyden in 1653.

L’Odyssie d’Homère en vers Burlesques. Published at Leyden in 1653.

These small pamphlets were both issued by the same publisher, and are now very rare.

Le Virgile Travesty en vers burlesques, par L’abbé Scarron. This is a burlesque translation of the first seven books and part of the eighth book, of Virgil’s Æneid. He dedicated the first book to the Queen, and subscribed himself thus “MADAME, Votre tres humble, tres obeyssant, tres obligé, et tres malade serviteur et sujet.

SCARRON, Malade de la Reyne.”

Scarron did not proceed beyond the first half of the eighth book, several other authors published continuations, but of inferior merit, such were those by Moreau de Brasey, Tellier d’Orville, Brussel and others.

La Suite du Virgile Travesty de Scarron. En vers burlesques, par Messire Jaques Moreau, Chevalier Seigneur de Brasey. Amsterdam, 1706.

This contains books 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12 of the Æneid.

Le Virgile dans le Pays Bas, ou le poeme d’Enée travesti en Flamand. Par le Plat du Temple, 3 vols. Bruxelles, 1802.

Virgile en France, ou la nouvelle Enëide, par Le Plat du Temple. First published in two volumes in 1807, and next at Offenbach in 1810, in 4 volumes, with very original notes.

L’Ovide Bouffon, ou les Metamorphoses Travesties, en vers Burlesques. Par L. Richer, Paris. The first edition was published either in 1661 or 1662. The fourth edition was published in 1665, prefaced by an amusing Madrigal written by Scarron.

Young Scarron. By Thomas Mozeen, actor and dramatist, 1752. This was written in imitation of Le Roman Comique of Scarron, to ridicule the lives and manners of stage itinerants, and the strolling players of England.

La Critique du Tartuffe, en un acte et en vers, a burlesque of Molière.

Le Lutrin; Poeme héroi-comique. Par Nicolas Boileau Despréaux.

This famous burlesque poem, which describes a very simple quarrel between two officials of a country church, is in heroic measure:――

“Je chante les combats et ce prélat terrible Qui par ses longs travaux et sa force invincible, Dans une illustre église exerçant son grand cœur, Fit placer à la fin un lutrin dans le chœur.”

Boileau remarks in his Avis au Lecteur:――

“C’est un burlesque nouveau dont je me suis avisé en notre langue. Car au lieu que dans l’autre burlesque Didon et Enée parlaient comme des harengères et des crocheteurs, dans celui-ci une perruquière et un perruquier parlent comme Didon et Enée?.”

La Guerre des Dieux, anciens et modernes, Poems en dix Chants. Par Evariste Parny, Membre de l’Academie Française. Paris. L’an Sept.

This is a very profane work, in which the Gods of the Heathen Mythology are brought into contact with Jesus Christ, Mary his Mother, and the Holy Ghost. It has been reprinted in France and Belgium.

Cartouche, ou le vice puni contained a number of parodies of celebrated authors.

La Messe de Cythère, par “Nobody.” 1801.

Les Eternueurs, poeme-parodi burlesque. Paris, 1758.

Le Petit Neveu de l’Aretin. Parodie burlesque du 4 ieme livre de l’Enéide. Paris, an IX.

L’homme des Bois, parodie de L’homme des Champs, de Delille.

La Pucelle D’Orleans. Poeme, divisé en Vingt et un Chants. Par M. de Voltaire. Paris.

There have been many editions of this licentious poem, some of them fetch very high prices owing to the sumptuous manner in which they were produced.

La Pucelle was translated into English by a lady of title, but owing to the freedom of the translation it was speedily suppressed, and copies of it are very scarce.

La Henriade Travestie, en vers burlesques. En Dix Chants. Par M. de M. (Fougeret de Montbron). Amsterdam, 1762. The first edition was published in 1745. In this the original is parodied almost verse for verse. The author says in his avant-propos:――“J’ose me flatter que Monsieur de Voltaire ne me sçaura point mauvais gré d’avoir mis son Poëme en Vers burlesques. Ce n’est pas faire injure au premier Poëte Français que de le traiter comme on a fait le Prince des Poëtes Latins.” (In allusion to Scarron’s burlesque of Virgil’s Æneid.)

Voltaire’s tragedy Zaire was burlesqued as “Caquire, Parodie de Zaire,” en cinq actes et en vers. Par M. de Vessaire, 1783. This was a coarse but witty production, even the names of the characters being too foul to reprint. Delepierre says it was written by M. de Combles, and that it was reprinted in 1853 in a small volume with an unmentionable title. The original edition is very rare.

Les Parodies du Nouveau Théâtre Italien, ou Recueil des Parodies représentées sur le Théâtre de L’Hôtel de Bourgoyne, par les Comédiens Italiens Odinaires du Roy. Three vols. Paris, 1731. Another, and more complete, collection was published in 1738.

These burlesques are principally based on French tragedies dealing with legends of the Heathen Mythology. The tragedies of Voltaire are especially singled out for imitation, two being upon Zaire, one called Les Enfants trouvés, another Arlequin au Parnasse.

Voltaire’s tragedy Semiramis was burlesqued under the title Zoramis, which was produced at the Théatre de la Foire, much to his annoyance, for whilst he had written a parody of Ossian’s poems, and a burlesque on Jeanne d’Arc, he could not suffer others to burlesque him.

Lettres inédites de Chactas d’Atala, par M. de Chateauterne. Paris. Dentu, 1811. A parody of Chateaubriand’s Atala.

Alala, was also a burlesque of Chateaubriand’s Atala.

Agnes de Chaillot, a parody of Lamotte’s tragedy Ines de Castro. This burlesque gave great offence to Lamotte, who styled it “une bouffonerie où l’on essaie de rendre la vertu ridicule.”

Parodie du Juif Errant, par Ch. Philipon et Louis Huart, avec 300 vignettes par Cham. Brussels, 1845.

This has been translated into English.

Quelgues Fables de la Fontaine recitées par un Anglais. Par F. Guillot. Paris, 1885.

This absurd little work gives ten of la Fontaine’s fables, with versions of the same as supposed to be recited by an Englishman, having a very imperfect French accent.

La Rapinéide ou l’Atelier, poeme burlesco-comico-tragique, par un Ancien Rapin des ateliers Gros et Girodet, Paris, 1870.

Le Récit de Théramene. Parodie par J. Méry. Paris, C. Lévy, 1881.

The author remarks “Les plus belles choses out eu les honneurs de la parodie. C’est le sort de l’humanité littéraire. Virgile le divin a été parodié par Scarron l’invalide. Le Cid de Corneille a été parodié par Boileau. Chateaubriand a été parodié par M. Chateauterne. Le plus grand poëte qui ait existé depuis Homère et Virgile, Victor Hugo a été parodié par tout le monde. Ainsi les parodies n’ont jamais rien prouvé.”

This celebrated passage, from the tragedy Phèdre, commencing

“A peine nous sortions des portes de Trézène,”

has been frequently imitated, and Octave Delepierre, in La Parodie cites a very humorous piece written against Caron de Beaumarchais, commencing:――

“A peine Beaumarchais, débarrassant la scène Avait de Figaro terminé la centaine, Qu’il volait à Tarare, et pourtant ce vainqueur Dans l’orgueil du triomphe était morne et réveur, Je ne sais quel chagrin, le couvrant de son ombre, Lui donnait sur son char un maintien has et sombre.”

Dictionnaire des Gens du Monde, a l’usage de la cour et de la ville. Paris, 1818. A satirical and burlesque dictionary.

A number of illustrated burlesque histories have been published in France with the title Tintamarresque, of which a few of the principal may be noted:――

Le Trocadéroscope. Revue Tintamarresque de l’Exposition Universelle. Paris. 1878. Par Touchatout, avec dessins de A. Le Petit.

Histoire de France Tintamarresque, par Touchatout (Illustrated). Paris. This only brings the history down to the flight of Louis Philippe in 1848.

Histoire Tintamarresque de Napoleon III., par Touchatout. Paris, 1877.

This takes up the History of France at the point where the preceding work ceased, namely, 1848. The caricature illustrations, by Hadol, in this are bitterly hostile to Napoleon III. and his principal adherents.

La Dégringolade Impériale, seconde partie de l’Histoire Tintamarresque de Napoléon III. Par Touchatout. Dessins de G. Lafosse. Paris, 1878.

Grande Mythologie Tintamarresque, par Touchatout. Dessins de G. Lafosse et Moloch. Paris, 1881.

It will be readily understood that the gross legends of the Heathen Mythology present topics likely to meet with congenial treatment from a French author and artists, and that consequently this work (although very laughable) is not largely used in ladies boarding schools.

Histoire Populaire et Tintamarresque de la Belgique, depuis l’époque des forêts vierges jusqu’a celle des tramways. Par Fernand Delisle. Illustreé par Léon Libonis, 2 vols. Brussels.

Victor Hugo was nothing if not original. He found the French drama restricted by old-fashioned rules, and its poetry cramped and conventional. He selected new metres, and adapted his style to the subjects, relinquishing the solemn but monotonous measure in which Racine, Corneille, and Voltaire had composed their classic tragedies. He did not disdain to press uncouth polysyllables into service when the necessities of rhyming seemed to require it. His style was funnily parodied in the lines――

Jusqu’ oû O Hugo, juchera-t-on ton nom? Justice enfin que faite ne t’a t’on? Quand jusqu’au pic qu’académique on nomme, Grimperas tu enfin de roc en roc, rare homme?

The Atticism of French taste had never been favourable to versification of this kind; and if Victor Hugo had been nothing but an eccentric innovator he would have failed completely. But Victor Hugo wrote great things, and the vagaries of his style were the natural expressions of an original mind; they were not the result of studied affectation. His works in prose, in poetry, and the drama suffered from enthusiastic imitators and professional perverters. His plays have been persistently burlesqued, his tragedy Marie Tudor was parodied under various titles, as “Marie, tu ronfles!” “Marie Dort-tu?” “Marie tu dors encore,” and “Marionette.” His Angelo was burlesqued, as “Cornaro, Tyran pas doux,” his Ruy Blas as “Ruy Blag,” and as “Ruy Black” by Charles Gabet, played at the Folies Bergères April 13, 1872, and as “Ruy Blas d’en Face,” also played in Paris in 1872.

Ruy Brac, Tourte en cinq Boulettes, avec assaisonnement de gros sel, de vers et de couplets, par Maxime de Redon. Paris, November, 1838.

His Ernani was burlesqued as “Harnali, ou la Contrainte par Cor,” and as “Ni, Ni, ou le Danger des Castilles,” both produced in Paris as far back as 1830.

The elder Dumas’ play “Quin, ou désordre et génie” was travestied as “Kinne; ou, que de génie en désordre.”

Numerous other burlesques of the French dramatists exist, most of which are published by Messrs. Tresse and Stock, Galérie du Théâtre-Français, Paris, from whom lists of their theatrical publications (with prices) can be obtained.

When Herr Wagner’s Rienzi was produced at the Théâtre Lyrique some Parisian punster brought out a parody called “Rien! scie en trois actes.” Scie means literally a “saw,” but in French argot it is equivalent to our slang word “sell.”

――――

Travestirte Fabeln des Phadrus, mit einem Anhang Mysterioser Gesange. Karl Dieffenbach. Frankfurt, 1794.

Virgils Æneis travestirt, Von V. Blumauer. Leipzig, 1841.

This was a German travesty of Virgil, with numerous very curious and comical illustrations.

Lovers of parody will find in the feuilleton of the Deutsche Montags Zeitung a series of “Poems and Novels by eminent Hands,” in which the styles of the leading German writers of the day are very happily burlesqued.

As to other German parodies, it must suffice to mention Dr. J. Scheible’s celebrated catalogue of German comic literature, which touches on Parodies and Travesties; and Das Kloster, another work by J. Scheible, published at Stuttgart in 1845. But the art of Parody does not appear to flourish so well in Germany as in France and England.

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ENGLISH BURLESQUE TRANSLATIONS OF THE CLASSICS. (Not Theatrical.)

A list of the principal English translations of the ancient classics is given below in the following order: Anacreon, Aristophanes, Aristotle, Æsop, Homer, Horace, Lucian, Ovid and Virgil.

Anacreon in Dublin, with Notes. 1814. Satirical Parodies, dedicated to Lord Byron.

The British Birds. A communication from the Ghost of Aristophanes. By Mortimer Collins. London. The Publishing Company, Limited, 1872. Several extracts from this clever satire have been given in Parodies.

The Art of Pluck, a Treatise after the fashion of Aristotle, writ for the use of Students in the Universities. Oxford, 1843.

Fables by G. Washington Æsop. With humorous illustrations by F. S. Church. London. W. Mack. No date, about 1885.

Homer Travestie, a Burlesque Translation of Homer, in Hudibrastic verse. By Thomas Bridges.

Booksellers almost invariably catalogue this as “a work full of humour, but which often transgresses the bounds of decency,” a stolen phrase which very inadequately describes its coarseness. The first volume of this translation appeared in 1762 with the facetious title “A New Translation of Homer’s Iliad, adapted to the capacity of Honest English Roast Beef and Pudding Eaters, by Caustic Barebones, a broken apothecary.”

Homer à la Mode. A Mock Poem upon the First and Second Books of Homer’s Iliads. Anonymous. Oxford, R. Davis. 1664.

Homer for the Holidays. By a Boy of Twelve. (Richard Doyle). London. “Pall Mall Gazette” Office, 1887. Fifteen very humorous plates to illustrate Homer’s Iliad.

The Odes of Horace, with a translation of Dr. Bentley’s Notes, and Notes upon Notes; Done in the Bentleian Stile and Manner. London. Bernard Lintott. 1712. This contained a burlesque criticism by Oldisworth on Dr. Bentley’s Horace. It was published in twenty-four parts.

The Art of Politics, in imitation of the Art of Poetry. James Bramestone. Dublin, 1729.

Horace in London: consisting of Imitations of the First Two Books of the Odes of Horace. By James and Horace Smith. London, 1815.

Railway Horace. By G. Chichester Oxenden. London: Upham and Beet. 1862.

Horace at the University of Athens, (Ascribed to Sir George Otto Trevelyan.) Cambridge: Jonathan Palmer. 1862. Contains several excellent parodies.

Horace’s Odes Englished and Imitated, by various hands, selected and arranged by Charles W. J. Cooper. London: George Bell and Sons. 1889.

This collection is in two parts, the first being simple translations, the second part being made up of burlesques, imitations, and satires founded upon the Odes of Horace. The best of these were written by the authors of The Rejected Addresses, James and Horace Smith.

Lexiphanes, a Dialogue, imitated from Lucian, and suited to the present Times, with a dedication to Lord Lyttleton. 1767. A piece of satire directed against Dr. Johnson by one Archibald Campbell.

The Sale of Authors. A Dialogue in imitation of Lucian. 1767.

The New Lucian, being a Series of Dialogues of the Dead. By H. D. Traill. London, 1884.

Burlesque upon Burlesque: or, the Scoffer Scoff’d. Being some of Lucian’s Dialogues newly put into English Fustian, for the Consolation of those who had rather Laugh and be Merry, than be Merry and Wise. By Charles Cotton. London.

Ovid Travestie, a Burlesque upon Ovid’s Epistles. By (Captain) Alexander Radcliffe. London, J. Tonson. 1680.

The Wits Paraphras’d; or, Paraphrase upon Paraphrase. In a Burlesque on the several late translations of Ovid’s Epistles. London, 1680.

Ovid in London: Ludicrous Poem in Six Cantos. By a Member of the University of Oxford. London: W. Anderson, 1814.

Scarronides: or, Virgil Travestie. A Mock Poem on the First and Fourth Books of Virgil’s “Æneis” in English Burlesque. By Charles Cotton. London, 1670. There have been many editions of this burlesque.

A Kerry Pastoral, in imitation of the First Eclogue of Virgil. Edited by T. C. Croker. (Reprint 1843).

Maronides, or Virgil Travestie, being a New Paraphrase upon Book V. of Virgil’s Æneids, in Burlesque Verse. By John Phillips. 1672.

The Canto added by Maphœus to Virgil’s Twelve Books of Æneas, from the original Bombastic, done into English Hudibrastic; with Notes beneath, and Latin text in every other page annext. By John Ellis. 1758.

Those who wish to see an almost perfect specimen of a classical parody must turn to Blackwood’s Edinburgh Magazine, July 1823, in which they will find

An Idyl on the Battle.

Fists and the man I sing, who, in the valleys of Hampshire Close to the borough of Andover, one fine day of the springtime, Being the twentieth of May, (the day moreover was Tuesday,) Eighteen hundred and twenty-three, in a fistical combat, Beat, in a handful of rounds, Bill Neat, the Butcher of Bristol. What is the hero’s name? Indeed, ’tis bootless to mention. Every one knows ’tis Spring――Tom Spring, now Champion of England.

* * * * *

In a somewhat similar vein of parody is Tom Moore’s Milling-Match between Entellus and Dares. Translated from the Fifth book of the Æneid.

With daddles high upraised, and nob held back, In awful prescience of the impending thwack, Both kiddies stood――and with prelusive spar, And light manœvring kindled up the war. * * * * *

A Free and Independent Translation of the First and Fourth Books of the Æneid of Virgil. In Hexameter and Pentameter. With Illustrations by Thomas Worth. The Winsted Herald Office, Winsted, Conn. U.S.A. 1870.

This is a burlesque in “Modern American,” with very comical woodcuts.

The Siege of Oxford. Fragments from the second book of the “Nova Æneis.” Oxford: F. Macpherson. 1852.

Georgics of Bacchicles. In Three Books. Now first published in the English tongue. Oxford, T. Shrimpton.

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Many of the beautiful legends of the old Grecian mythology have been chosen as the themes for burlesques, both poetical and dramatic.

A list of the dramatic burlesques will be given later on, of the poetical mythological burlesques many may be found in Punch, and the other comic papers; the following originally appeared in the Hornet:

PYGMALION; OR, THE STATUE FAIR.

There was an ancient classic swell, An interesting alien, His kinsfolk called him “Piggy,” but His full name was Pygmalion.

Like many a high artistic Greek, He got his bread by chiselling; I don’t mean running into debt, And then by moonlight mizzling.

I don’t mean billiards, cards or dice, At which the sharper garbles Some spooney flat. The only game Pygmalion played was marbles.

He chiselled marble into forms Defying competition; And won no end of Kudos at Each R. A. Exhibition.

One eve, he’d worked the whole day long, And felt used up and wearied; His subject was a Grecian Bend Or Lady of the Period.

Now Piggy was a lonely man, Since he had never mated; But always kept a celibate, Although so celebrated.

So when he laid his chisel down, And saw that fair creation, He said――as critics often say―― “She lacks but animation!”

And straightway Love and Phantasy, Like disobedient vassals, Heedless of Reason, in his brain, Went building Spanish castles.

He thought it would be very nice Each morning could he see Presiding at his breakfast-board Just such a Mrs. P.

He pictured her at parties, fêtes, In pinery or grapery, Looking as she was looking then―― Plus just a little drapery.

He bent on her a steadfast gaze (Mesmeric ’twas, I’m thinking) And straight her sympathetic lids Moved like――yes, just like――winking.

She breathed――she lived――she came to him, And he embraced her quick; “You are not stone!” he fondly cried―― “You are a little brick!”

His vision thus was realised; Next morning he was able To see that partner exquisite Presiding at his table.

He ordered in no end of “things,” He thought it but his duty; Since, even for that antique age, Too “unadorned” her beauty.

And knowing well that spinsters prim Would make her case a handle For rude remark, he put a stop Effectually to scandal.

For shortly in the Morning Post, This won the Monde’s regards―― “Mr. PYGMALION, R.A., Married Miss STONE. No cards.”

And many an artist, since that day, Has found his sighs love-laden Warm into animated clay The coldest “marble maiden.”

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Arundines Cami sive Musarum Cantabrigiensium Lusus Canori. Henricus Drury, A.M. Cambridge. Parker and Son. 1841.

This contains Latin versions of all the most celebrated short English poems, including Gray’s Elegy, the Burial of Sir John Moore, and some nursery rhymes.

Before leaving the Classics mention must be made of a curious branch of poetry entitled Macaronic verse. Examples of this, and many of them very ingenious, are to be found in Poetical Ingenuities and Eccentricities selected by William T. Dobson. London. Chatto and Windus, 1882.

Octave Delepierre also wrote several essays on the subject, the principal being entitled Littérature Macaronique.

One of the best of these literary curiosities is a small pamphlet (to be had of Mr. J. Vincent, Oxford,) entitled――

“Uniomachia; a Greek-Latin Macaronic Poem,” by Thomas Jackson, M.A. This was originally published in 1833, with a translation into English verse (after the manner of the late ingenious Mr. Alexander Pope), styled “The Battle at the Union.”

Another humorous pamphlet also published by Vincent, Viae per Angliam Ferro Stratae, and written by Mr. Fanshawe of Baliol College in 1841, was a comical skit on the early railways, in Latin hexameters.

Many Macaronic poems have appeared in Punch from time to time, to the great delight and amusement of classical scholars. The following, published in March, 1852, is a fine example of this class of learned frivolity:――

THE DEATH OF THE SEA-SERPENT,

By Publius Jonathan Virgilius Jefferson Smith.

Arma virumque cano, qui first, in the Monongahela, Tarnally squampush’d the Sarpent, mittens horrentia tela. Musa, look smart with your Banjo! I guess, to relate or invent, I Shall need all the aid you can give; so, Nunc aspirate canenti. Mighty slick were the vessel progressing, jactata per æquora ventis; But the brow of the skipper was cloudy cum sollicitudine mentis; For whales had been skase in them pearts; and the clipper, so long as he’d known her, Ne’er had gather’d less ile in her cruise, to gladden the heart of her owner. “Darn the whales!” cried the skipper at length, “with a telescope forte videbo Aut pisces, aut terras.” While speaking, just two or three points on the lee bow, He saw coming towards them, as fast as though to a combat ’twould tempt ’em, A monstrum, horrendum, informe (cui lumen was shortly ademptum). On the taffrail up jumps in a hurry dux fortis, and seizing a trumpet, With a blast that would waken the dead, mare turbat et aëra rumpit―― “Tumble up, all you lubbers!” he cries, “tumble up! for, careering before us, Is the raal old Sea-Sarpent himself, cristis maculisque decorus.” “Consarn it!” cried one of the sailors, “if e’er we provoke him, he’ll kill us; He’ll sartainly chaw up hos morsu, et longis implexibus illos.” Loud laughs the bold skipper, and quick premit alto corde dolorem; If he does feel like running, he knows it won’t do to betray it before ’em. “O Socii,” inquit, “I’m sartin you air not the fellers to funk, or Shrink from the durum certamen, whose fathers fought bravely to Bunker. You! who have waged with the bars, and the buffeler, prœlia dura, Down to the freshes, and licks of our own free enlighten’d Missourer! You! who could whip your own weight catulis sævis sine telo, Get your eyes skinn’d in a twinkling, et ponite tela phaselo!” Talia voce refert, curisque ingentibus æger, Marshalls his ’cute little band, now panting their foe to beleaguer. Swiftly they lower the boats, and swiftly each man at his oar is, Excipe Britanni timidi duo, virque coloris; (Blackskin, you know, never feels how sweet ’tis pro patriâ mori; OVID had him in view when he said, “Nimium ne crede colori.”) Now swiftly they pull towards the monster, who seeing the cutter and gig nigh, Glares at them with terrible eyes, suffectis sanguine et igni; And never conceiving their chief so swiftly will deal him a floorer, Opens wide, to receive them at once, his linguis vibrantibus ora; But just as he’s licking his lips, and gladly preparing to taste ’em, Straight into his eyeball the skipper stridentem conjicit hastam. Soon as he feels in his eyeball the lance, growing mightily sulky, At ’em he comes in a rage ore minax, linguâque trisulcâ. “Starn all!” cry the sailors at once, for they think he has certainly caught ’em; Præsentemque viris intentant omnia mortem. But the bold skipper exclaims, “O terque quaterque beati! Now, with a will, dare viam, when I want you, be only parati; This hoss feels like raising his hair, and in spite of his scaly old cortex, Full soon you shall see that his corpse rapidus vorat æquore vortex.” Hoc ait, and choosing a lance, “With this one I think I shall hit it.” He cries; and straight into its mouth ad intima viscera mittit. Screeches the crittur in pain, and writhes till the sea is commotum, As if all its waves had been lash’d in a tempest per Eurum et Notum; Interea terrible shindy NEPTUNUS sensit, et alto Prospiciens sadly around, wiped his eye with the cuff of his paletôt; And mad at his favourite’s fate, of oaths utter’d two or three thousand, Such as, Corpo di Bacco! Mehercule! Sacré! Mille tonnerres! Potztausend! But the skipper, who thought it was time to this terrible fight dare finem, With a scalping-knife jumps on the neck of the snake, secat et dextrâ crinem; And hurling the scalp in the air, half wild with delight to possess it, Shouts, “Darn it! We’ve fixed up his flint, for in ventos vita recessit.”

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THE OLDEST CLASSICAL BURLESQUE.

Batrachomyomachia is the cheerful title of the oldest burlesque extant, and even if we do not accept the tradition which assigns its composition to Homer, we may safely consider it to be the earliest of the many travesties of the heroic style of the “Iliad” and “Odyssey.”

According to Plutarch, the real author was one Pigres, of Halicarnassus, who flourished during the Persian war. Statius conjectures that Homer wrote it when a youth, as a trial of his poetical powers; whilst the author of one of finest English translations of Homer, George Chapman, asserts that the work was composed in his old age; when, disgusted with the neglect and ingratitude of his contemporaries, he set to work to show that he could elevate and dignify the wars and struggles of insignificant animals, as he had previously described the heroic actions of the Greeks and Trojans.

Samuel Wesley published an English translation of the Batrachomyomachia, which he called “The Iliad in a Nutshell.” He speaks of it “as perhaps the best, as well as the oldest burlesque in the world.”

The following is a synopsis of the plot of this poem, generally known as the Battle of the Frogs and Mice.

A mouse, having just escaped the pursuit of a hungry weasel, stays by the edge of a pond to drink and take breath, when a frog swims up, enters into conversation, and invites the mouse to visit his abode. The mouse consents, and mounts upon the back of the frog, who swims into the middle of the pool. Suddenly an otter appears, the terrified frog dives to the bottom, leaving the mouse to struggle with the foaming billows. Unable to reach the shore, he sinks to a watery grave; a comrade who had arrived at the brink too late to be of service, hastens to relate the pitiful tale to a council of his fellows, and war is at once declared against the Frogs.

Jupiter and the gods deliberate in Olympus on the issue of the contest. Mars and Minerva decline personal interference, partly from awe inspired by such mighty combatants, and partly from the ill will they bear towards the contending parties.

A band of mosquitoes sound the war-alarum with their trumpets, and, after a bloody engagement, the frogs are defeated with great slaughter. Jupiter, sympathising with their fate, endeavours in vain by his thunders to intimidate the victors from further pursuit. The rescue of the frogs is at last effected by an army of landcrabs, which marches up, attacks the mice, and drives them from the field in great disorder.

Wesley’s translation of the dénouement is a specimen of the mock-heroic style which runs through the original:――

The Muses, knowing all things, list not show The wailing for the Dead and Funeral Rites, To blameless Ethiopians must they go To feast with Jove for twelve succeeding nights. Therefore abrupt thus end they. Let suffice The gods’ august assembly to relate, Heroic Frogs and Demigods of Mice, Troxartes’ vengeance and Pelides’ fate. Hosts routed, lakes of gore, and hills of slain, An Iliad, work divine! raised from a day’s campaign.

Burlesques of Educational Works

GUIDES, TUTORS’ ASSISTANTS, AND HISTORIES.

In Alphabetical Order.

The Art of Pluck. Being a Treatise after the Fashion of Aristotle; writ for the use of Students in the Universities. By Scriblerus Redivivus. (This clever work was written by the Rev. Edward Caswell, and first published in 1835. It has run through many editions, and can still be obtained from Mr. J. Vincent, Bookseller, Oxford.)

The Book of Fun; or, Laugh and Learn. London: James Gilbert. This contained “The Illustrated English Grammar;” “Rhetoric and Elocution;” “Illustrated Arithmetic or, Cyphering made Comical;” “The Comic History of Rome, and the Rumuns.” These were all humourously illustrated.

Catalogue of the Valuable Contents of Strawberry Hill, the Seat of Horace Walpole, 24 days’ sale, by Mr. George Robins. This catalogue is often accompanied by the humorous parody: “Specimen of the Catalogue of the Great Sale at Goosebery Hall, with Puffatory Remarks.”

The Comic Blackstone. By Gilbert Abbot à Beckett, with illustrations by George Cruikshank. London: Bradbury, Agnew & Co. Mr. G. A. à Beckett was fully qualified by his education as a barrister, and his practice as a Metropolitan Police Magistrate, to discourse learnedly of the law. He died in August, 1856.

In 1887 his son, Mr. Arthur W. à Beckett, brought out a new, and enlarged edition of The Comic Blackstone, with illustrations by Mr. Harry Furniss. This was also published by Bradbury, Agnew & Co.

Caricature History of the Georges; or, Annals of the House of Hanover, compiled by Thomas Wright, F. S. A. London: John Camden Hotten. Illustrated.

The original edition appeared as early as 1849, but Hotten’s later reprint was more complete.

“George the First vile was reckoned, Viler still was George the Second. And what mortal ever heard Any good of George the Third? When the last to Hell descended, The Lord be praised the Georges ended!”

Catalogue of the Valuable Contents of Strawberry Hill, the Seat of Horace Walpole, 24 days sale, by Mr. George Robins, 1842.

Inserted in this is sometimes found a humorous parody on the Sale Catalogue. “Specimen of the Catalogue of the Great Sale at Gooseberry Hall, with Puffatory Remarks.”

The Comic Bradshaw; or, Bubbles from the Boiler. By Angus B. Reach. Illustrated by H. G. Hine. London: David Bogue, 1848.

This little pamphlet has no connection with the tedious and complicated book of reference alluded to in the title. It contains several parodies.

The Comic Cocker; or, Figures for the Million. With illustrations. This was published, without any author’s name or date, by Ward and Lock, London. It was probably written by Alfred Crowquill, i.e. A. H. Forrester.

The Comic English Grammar; a new and facetious introduction to the English tongue. By “Paul Prendergast,” i.e., Mr. Percival Leigh. With illustrations by John Leech. London: 1840. There have been numerous editions of this work.

Comic Etiquette Illustrated; or, Hints how to Conduct Oneself in the Best Society, by an X.M.C. With sketches by T. Onwhyn. Very scarce. About 1840.

The Comic Etiquette; or, Manners for the Million. By “A Nice Young Man.” With numerous illustrations. London: Diprose and Bateman.

The Comic Guide to the Royal Academy for 1864. By the Gemini. Illustrated. London: John Nichols, 1864.

The Comic History of England. By Gilbert Abbott à Beckett. With illustrations by John Leech. London: Bradbury, Agnew and Co., 1847-8.

The Comic History of England. By O. P. Q. Philander Smiff. With illustrations. London: Myra and Son. (This originally appeared in Figaro.)

The Comic History of England, Ireland, and Scotland. London: Diprose and Bateman.

A Comic History of France. By O. P. Q. Philander Smiff. With sketches in French chalks. London: Myra and Son, 1888.

Ye Comic History of Heraldry. By R. H. Edgar. Illustrated by William Vine. London: William Tegg and Co., 1878. Unlike most “comic” histories, this contains some useful information for the student of heraldry.

The Comic History of London, from the Earliest Period. By Walter Parke. With numerous illustrations. London: “Boys of England” Office.

Ye Comick Historie of ye Citie of London. By Gog and Magog. With illustrations. London: J. A. Brook & Co., 1878.

The Comic History of Rome. By Gilbert Abbott à Beckett. With illustrations by John Leech. London: Bradbury, Agnew & Co., 1850.

The Comic History of the Russian War, poetically and pictorially described by Percy Cruikshank. With plates. About 1856.

Comic Illustrated Multiplication. By Buz and Fuz. Illustrated. London: Dean & Son. (No date.)

The Comic Latin Grammar; a new and facetious introduction to the Latin tongue. By Paul Prendergast. With illustrations by John Leech. (“Paul Prendergast” was Mr. Percival Leigh, a contributor to Punch from its commencement.) London: 1840.

A Companion to the Guide; and a Guide to the Companion; being a complete supplement to all the accounts of Oxford hitherto published. This satire on the Guide to Oxford was published anonymously in 1760. It was written by the Rev. Thomas Warton.

Craniology Burlesqued, in three Serio-Comic Lectures, recommended to the Patronage of Drs. Gall and Spurzheim, by a Friend to Common Sense. London, 1818.

Cricket. Edited by G. Hutchison, 1888. This contained several parodies.

Cricketers Guyed for 1886. By W. Sapte, Jun. With cuts. London: J. & R. Maxwell, 1886. This contains some valuable information for cricketers, given in a bright and humorous style.

“Break! break! break! If only an inch,” said he; And I would that my tongue dare utter The words that I heard him mutter As the ball was slogged for three.

The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Esq., while an Undergraduate at Cambridge. Cambridge: J. Palmer, 1866.

Drawing for the Million; or, Laugh and Learn. London: Diprose & Bateman.

England’s Reformation, from the time of Henry the Eighth to the end of Oates’s Plot. By T. Ward. A Hudibrastic poem describing the reformation from a Roman Catholic point of view. First published about 1700.

English as She is Taught; being genuine answers to Examination questions in our Public Schools. Collected by Caroline B. Le Row, with a Commentary thereon by Mark Twain. London: T. Fisher Unwin, 1887.

Mark Twain’s article on this subject had first appeared in the Century Magazine for April, 1887.

English as She is Wrote, showing curious ways in which the English language may be made to convey ideas or obscure them. London: G. Routledge & Sons.

This contained some curious Signboards, Advertisements, Epitaphs, and Parodies.

Freaks and Follies of Fabledom; a Little Lemprière, or Mythology made easy. London: John Ollivier, 1852. This is really a drawing-room Mythology.

Fun’s Academy Skits. Skitched by Gordon Thomson, with Notes by “Nestor.” London: “Fun” Office, 1881 and 1882. These contained numerous parodies, both poetical and pictorial.

Games made Game of. By Two Game Cocks. (Chess, Billiards, Cribbage, Forfeits, Cricket, Football, &c.) London: James Allen, 1857.

The Gladstone A. B. C. Illustrated. Edinburgh: W. Blackwood & Sons. (No date, but about 1884.)

The Great Exhibition “Wot is to be; or, probable results of the Industry of all Nations.” By George Augustus Sala. London: 1851.

Harry Furniss’s Royal Academy. An Artistic Joke. A Catalogue of the Exhibition, containing over Eighty illustrations after the Artists. London: 1887.

Harry Furniss’s illustrations were parodies of paintings by the most famous artists of the day.

The Heraldry of Nature, comprising the Arms, Supporters, Crests, and Mottoes of the English Peers, descriptive of their several qualities. With plates. London: 1785. A very satirical work; the following was the description it gave of the Arms of the dissolute Prince of Wales, afterwards George IV.: First, azure, the prince’s cap, feathers disordered; second argent, four decanters azure; third gules, a fringed petticoat between three maidens’ heads; fourth, sable, the ace of spades proper; fifth argent, a horse courant between three rattles; sixth gules, a quiver, the arrows scattered.

Supporters. The dexter, Cupid; the sinister, a monkey. Crest. A deer wounded. Motto. Fions à l’avenir.

Hints on Etiquette, for the University of Oxford; to which are added some remarks on “Honour.” By Professor Taglioni Jonez. Oxford, 1838. This has been frequently reprinted, and can still be obtained from Mr. J. Vincent.

Hints to Freshmen in the University of Oxford. Oxford: J. Vincent. This humorous work has been ascribed to Canon Hole. In addition to the “Hints to Freshmen,” it contains nine excellent poetical parodies, extracts from which have already been quoted in this Collection.

History of the Decline and Fall of the British Empire. By Edwarda Gibbon (Auckland, A.D. 2884.) London: Field & Tuer, 1884.

Homburg no Humbug; ye Diarie of Mr. Pips while there, with plates. London, 1867.

Leading Cases done into English. By an Apprentice of Lincoln’s Inn. (Said to be Professor Pollock). London: Macmillan & Co. 1876.

Manners and Customs of ye Englishe, drawn from ye Quicke, to which is added some Extracts from Mr. Pips, hys Diarie, contributed by Percival Leigh, illustrations by Richard Doyle. London: Bradbury & Evans, 1849.

Marks and Re-marks for the Catalogue of the Exhibition of the Royal Academy, 1856. Written in the manner of Longfellow’s Hiawatha. London: Golbourn, 1856.

Max in the Metropolis. A Visit Paid by Yankee Doodle to Johnny Bull. By Max P. Romer. Illustrated. London: G. Routledge & Sons. 1887.

The Model Primer. By Eugene Field, of Denver Tribune. Published by Fred Tredwell, of Nassau Street, New York, U.S., and Bernard Quaritch, London. Illustrated by “Hop.” 1886.

(This is one of the drollest of Yankee books of humour.)

More Hints on Etiquette, for the use of Society at large, and Young Gentlemen in Particular. With cuts by George Cruikshank. London: Charles Tilt, 1838.

A parody of “Hints on Etiquette, and the Usages of Society: with a glance at bad habits.”

London: Longmans & Co. 1836.

Music for the Million; or, Singing made Easy. By Dick Crotchet. London: Diprose & Bateman.

The Mysteries of London, and Strangers Guide to the Art of Living and Science of Enjoyment in the Great Metropolis. By Father North. London: Hugh Cunningham, 1844. A satirical guide to London in the form of a dictionary.

Overland Journey to the Great Exhibition, showing a few Extra Articles and Visitors. Being a Panoramic Procession of humorous figures representing the various Peoples of the Earth, exhibiting their national Characteristics, 109 inches in length. By Richard Doyle. London: 1851.

A Parody upon the History of Greece. Published by the Society for the Confusion of Useful Knowledge. (By A. F. Braham.) London: W. S. Johnson. 1837.

The Pictorial Grammar. By Alfred Crowquill. The first edition was published by Harvey and Darton, London, without any date. It has since been re-issued by William Tegg & Co., 1876.

(Mr. Alfred Henry Forrester, who wrote as “Alfred Crowquill,” was born in London in 1806, and died May 26, 1872. He also wrote The Tutor’s Assistant.)

Picture Logic; or, the Grave made Gay, an Attempt to popularise the Science of Reasoning by the combination of Humorous Pictures with Examples of Reasoning taken from Daily Life. By Alfred Swinbourne, B.A., Queen’s College, Oxford. London: Longmans & Co., 1875.

The Pleader’s Guide; a Didactic Poem, in two parts: containing Mr. Surrebutter’s Poetical Lectures on the conduct of a Suit at Law (by J. Anstey). London: T. Cadell, 1804.

The Premier School-Board Primer; with forty illustrations. London: E. Appleyard, 1884.

A Satire on Mottos, being a literal translation and Criticism on all the Mottos which now decorate the Arms of the English Nobility and the Sixteen Peers of Scotland, with humorous reflections on each. (A skit on heraldry.)

Showell’s Comic Guide to the Inventories. London, 1885.

The Story of the Life of Napoleon III., as told by Popular Caricaturists of the last Thirty Years. London: John Camden Hotten, 1871.

Tom Treddlehoyle’s Peep at t’ Manchister Art Treasures Exhebishan e 1857, an uther wunderful things beside at cum in hiz way i t’ city of Manchister. 1857.

Transactions of the Loggerville Literary Society. London: Printed for Private Circulation by J. R. Smith, 36, Soho Square, 1867. Illustrated. This singular work contains a “Concise History of England,” in 61 verses, a burlesque examination paper, and “Dandyados,” a Tragedy, which is a parody of “Bombastes Furioso.”

The Tutor’s Assistant; or Comic Figures of Arithmetic; slightly altered and elucidated from Walking-Game. By Alfred Crowquill, i.e. A. H. Forrester. London, 1843.

The World Turned inside out; or Comic Geography, and Comic History of England. With Illustrations. London: Diprose and Bateman (originally published in 1844).

――――

A MATHEMATICAL PROBLEM.

If you take the mean of an isosceles triangle, bisect it at one and an eighth, giving a centrifugal force of three to one; then describe a gradient on its periphery of ¾ to the square inch, throwing off the right angles from the previously ascertained square root, you form a rhomboid whose base is equal to the circumference of a circle of twice its own cubic contents. These premisses being granted it stands to reason that it is impossible for a steam engine of 40 H.P. nominal to go through a tunnel of the same dimensions, without tearing the piston cock off the main boiler, even with the rotation derived from a double stuffing box, high pressure steam, and a vacuum of 43°. Q. E. D.

Theatrical Burlesques and Travesties.

[Illustration: I]n the following Table a rather wide interpretation has been given to the word Burlesque, so that some of J. R. Planché’s witty extravaganzas have been included, and a few even of the clever pantomime openings written by the late Mr. E. L. Blanchard. The object aimed at being to insert particulars of every Dramatic production which professed to be a Burlesque, or a Travestie of any well-known Play, Novel, Poem, or Poetical Legend.

Probably some thousands of Burlesques have been performed which have never attained the dignity of print, and in the following pages will be found many Burlesques which have never been publicly acted, although written in dramatic form.

I wish to express my sincere thanks to my esteemed friend Mr. T. F. Dillon Croker for the great assistance he has rendered in this compilation. Not only was his curious dramatic library generously placed at my disposal, but he also undertook to revise the proof sheets, his intimate knowledge of theatrical history enabling him to make numerous valuable suggestions. I have also to thank Mr. F. Howell for the loan of many early burlesques, and to mention that in the verification of dates the Era Almanacks have been of great service. It is to be regretted that this useful publication was not started until 1868. Long may it flourish!

In a Table containing nearly eight hundred entries, and the first of its kind ever compiled, it is almost inevitable that some errors and omissions should occur. Mr. Samuel French, the theatrical publisher, in answer to a politely worded request, not only declined to give the slightest assistance, but even refused permission to consult any of his Play books for the verification of a few dates. This information is not readily accessible at the British Museum Library, as under the peculiar method of cataloguing there adopted, it is necessary to know the author’s name of any work one desires to consult. As Mr. French possesses a virtual monopoly of the sale of modern English plays it is to be regretted that he will not extend a little courteous assistance to writers on Dramatic history.

Mr. John Dicks, of 313, Strand, who issues very cheap and readable reprints of old English plays, gave me all the information in his power, but, as yet, he has only published a few Burlesques.

In the Table a strictly alphabetical arrangement of Titles has been adopted, followed by the date and place of first performance, and in some cases the names of the principal performers have been given. For convenience of reference the articles, The, Ye, A, An, Le, La, L’, Il, have been ignored. Thus――L’Africaine will be found under the letter A, and La Sonnambula under the letter S.

Where the name of a Theatre is given, without any town, London is to be understood.

Burl. signifies Burlesque. Burl. panto. „ Burlesque Pantomime. Burl, extrav. „ Burlesque Extravaganza. Burl. op. „ Burlesque Opera. N.D. „ No date.

Abon Hassan; or, The Hunt after Happiness. By Francis Talfourd. St. James’s. December 26, 1854. J. L. Toole and Miss Eleanor Bufton.

Abon Hassan; or, An Arabian Knight’s Entertainment. By Arthur O’Neil. Charing Cross. December 11, 1869. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.

Abou; or, The Sleeper Awakened, burlesque, by Joseph Tabrar. T. R. Coventry. August 3, 1885.

Acis and Galatea, paraphrased, by W. H. Oxberry. Adelphi. February 8, 1842. Wright & Paul Bedford.

Acis and Galatea, burlesque, by F. C. Burnand.

Acis and Galatea, by T. F. Plowman. Oxford, Dec. 1869.

Adonis. An “American Eccentricity,” by Gill and Dixey. Gaiety. May 31, 1886. Performed by an American company, and damned by the London press, as a noisy, stupid and meaningless production. Mr. Henry E. Dixey, the leading performer, as “Adonis,” gave some imitations (not in the best taste) of Henry Irving.

L’Africaine; or, the Belle of Madagascar, by Captain Arbuthnot.

L’Africaine, burl. By F. C. Burnand. Strand, Nov. 18, 1865, and revived in 1876. Edward Terry, Harry Cox and Marius.

Agamemnon at Home; or, the Latest Particulars of that little affair at Mycenæ. A Burlesque Sketch. First performed at the St. John’s College, A. T., during Commemoration, 1867. Oxford. T. & G. Shrimpton, 1867. (By the late Mr. E. Nolan, of St. John’s).

Agamemnon and Cassandra; or, The Prophet and Loss of Troy, by R. Reece. Prince of Wales’s, Liverpool, April 13, 1868.

Airey Annie, travestie of Ariane, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, April 4, 1888. Willie Edouin, W. Cheesman, Misses Alice Atherton and M. Ayrtoun. The latter lady mimicked Mrs. Bernard Beere’s impersonation of Ariane.

A Knock at the Door; or, Worsted Works Wonders, by Stafford O’Brien and R. M. Milnes. Acted by Amateurs at the Cambridge University, March 19, 1830. Privately printed.

Aladdin; or, the Wonderful Lamp in a New Light, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. July 4, 1844. Wright, Paul Bedford, Augustus Harris, Madame Sala.

Aladdin; or, The Wonderful Scamp. By Henry J. Byron. Strand, April 1, 1861. H. J. Turner, J. Rogers, J. Clarke, Misses C. Saunders, F. Josephs, E. Bufton and Marie Wilton.

Aladdin II.; or, An Old Lamp in a New Light, by Alfred Thompson. Gaiety. December, 1870. Burl.-Opera. J. L. Toole, Stoyle, Miss E. Farren and Miss Loseby.

Aladdin; or, The Wonderful Lamp, by Frank W. Green. Charing Cross. December 23, 1874.

Aladdin and the Flying Genius. Philharmonic. Dec. 26, 1881.

Aladdin. Burl.-drama, by R. Reece. Gaiety. December 24, 1881. E. Terry, E. W. Royce, T. Squire, Misses E. Farren, P. Broughton and Kate Vaughan.

Aladdin; or, The Scamp, the Tramp, and the Lamp, by Lloyd Clarance. Blackpool Gardens. May 14, 1883.

Aladdin; or, the Wonderful Lamp, by J. R. O’Neill.

Aladdin. Panto-openings written by E. L. Blanchard for Covent Garden, December 1865, and for Drury Lane December 1874, and December 1885.

Alcestis, the Original Strong-minded Woman; being a most shameless misinterpretation of the Greek drama of Euripides. By Francis Talfourd. Strand. July 4, 1850. H. Farren, W. Farren, Compton, Miss Adams, and Mrs. Leigh Murray (as Alcestis).

Alexander the Great, In Little. Burlesque. By Thomas Dibdin. Strand. August 7, 1837.

Alfred the Great. Historical extrav., by R. B, Brough. Olympic. December 26, 1859.

Alfred the Ingrate, by Wentworth V. Bayly. T. R. Plymouth. May 8, 1871.

Alhambra, Burlesque. By Albert Smith. Princess’s. April 21, 1851.

Ali Baba, burlesque-extravaganza, by H. J. Byron. Strand. April 6, 1863.

Ali Baba à la Mode. By R. Reece. Gaiety. September 14, 1872. J. L. Toole, Miss E. Farren.

All about the Battle of Dorking; or, My Grandmother. By F. C. Burnand and Arthur Sketchley. Alhambra. August 7, 1871. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.

Ali Baba; or, The Forty Naughty Thieves. T. R. Birkenhead, May 14, 1883.

Alonzo the Brave; or, Faust and the Fair Imogene, by F. C. Burnand. Written for the A. D. C., Cambridge, and first performed on May 20, 1857. It has since been acted in London.

Alonzo ye Brave and ye Fayre Imogene, by Sam H. Harrison. Alexandra T. Liverpool. April 2, 1876.

Alonzo and Imogene; or, The Dad, the Lad, the Lord, and the Lass, by W. W. Bird. T. R. Richmond. April 17, 1869.

Amoroso, King of Little Britain. By J. R. Planché. Drury Lane. April 21, 1818. This was Mr. Planché’s first attempt, and the success it achieved he modestly ascribed to the excellent acting of Harley, Knight, Oxberry, G. Smith, Mrs. Orger and Mrs. Bland. Amoroso was not included in Mr. Dillon Croker’s edition of Planché’s works, by the Author’s special desire, it being considered by him as a work of scarcely sufficient importance.

Amy Robsart. Burlesque. By Mark Kinghorne. T. R. Norwich. May 10, 1880.

Æneas; or, Dido Done. By H. Such Granville. T. R. Cork. March 2, 1868.

Anne Boleyne. Burl. By Conway Edwardes. New Royalty. September 7, 1872.

Another Drink. Burlesque. By Savile Clarke and Lewis Clifton. Folly. July 12, 1879.

Antigone. A Classical Burl. By H. R. Hand. (Who died under very melancholy circumstances in 1874.) Oxford: T. & G. Shrimpton.

Antony and Cleopatra; or, His-Tory and Her Story, in a Modern Nilo Metre. By F. C. Burnand. Haymarket, November 21, 1866. Mr. & Mrs. Charles Mathews, Compton, Rogers, Clark, & Miss Fanny Wright.

Antony and Cleopatra. Burl. By J. F. Draper. Royal Hall. Jersey, December 16, 1870.

Area Sylph; or, a Footboy’s Dream. A burlesque upon the “Mountain Sylph,” by “Miss Betsey Fry.” English Opera House.

Ariadne; or, the Bull, the Bully, and the Bullion, A Classical Burlesque. By Vincent Amcotts. Oxford: T. & G. Shrimpton, 1867.

Ariel. Burlesque fairy drama. Founded on The Tempest. By F. C. Burnand. Gaiety, October 8, 1883.

Arion; or the Story of a Lyre. By F. C. Burnand. Strand. December 20, 1871. H. J. Turner, Edward Terry, Harry Paulton, Misses Rose Cullen, and Topsy Venn.

Arline, the Lost Child. By Best & Bellingham. Sadler’s Wells. July 23, 1864.

Arrah-na-Brogue. By A. C. Shelley. Sadler’s Wells. October 25, 1865.

The Ar-Rivals; or a Trip to Margate. Travestie. By J. M. Banero and A. D. Pincroft. Avenue. June 24, 1884. Intended as a travestie of the famous revival of “The Rivals,” at the Haymarket Theatre, by Bancroft and Pinero. “The Ar-Rivals” was a failure.

The Ashantee War. Burlesque. By James Sandford; Alexandra Opera House, Sheffield. May 25, 1874.

Atalanta; or, the Three Golden Apples. By Francis Talfourd. Haymarket, April 13, 1857. Chippendale, Compton, Clark, Misses M. Wilton and M. Oliver.

Atalanta, by George P. Hawtrey. Strand, November 17, 1888. W. F. Hawtrey, T. Squire, and Misses Marie Linden and Alma Stanley.

Babes in the Wood, burlesque, by George Capel. Gaiety Theatre, Douglas, Isle of Man, July 26, 1884.

Babes in the Wood. Burl.-drama, by H. J. Byron. Adelphi, July 18, 1859. J. L. Toole, P. Bedford, Mrs. A. Mellon.

The Babes in the Wood, by G. L. Gordon and G. W. Anson. Prince of Wales’s, Liverpool, April 16, 1877.

The Babes; or, Whines from the Wood, by Harry Paulton. Originally produced at the Theatre Royal, Birmingham, June 9, 1884. Also at Toole’s Theatre. London, Sept. 6, 1864, with Lionel Brough, Willie Edouin, Miss Alice Atherton.

The Barber’s Trip to Paris, burlesque. Wolverhampton, February 28, 1876.

Beautiful Haidee; or, the Sea Nymph and the Sallee Rovers, by H. J. Byron.

Beauty and the Beast. Panto-opening by E. L. Blanchard. Drury Lane, December, 1869.

Beauty and the Beast, by C. H. Hazlewood.

The Beast and the Beauty, or No Rose without a Thorn, by F. C. Burnand. Royalty, October 4, 1869. Mr. F. Dewar, Misses Kate Bishop, M. Oliver and C. Saunders. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.

The Bee and the Orange Tee, burlesque, by H. J. Byron. Vaudeville.

The Beggar’s Opera, by John Gay. Originally produced in Lincoln’s Inn Fields, 1728. Lord Byron called this a St. Giles’s lampoon.

Behind the Scenes, burlesque-burletta, by Charles Selby. Strand, September 12, 1839.

The Belle of the Barley-mow; or, the Wooer, the Waitress, and the Willian, by H. T. Arden. Cremorne Gardens, Sept. 23, 1867. W. Corri, Miss C. Parkes.

La Belle Sauvage, burlesque, by John Brougham. St. James’s, November 27, 1869. Mrs. John Wood, and Lionel Brough.

The Bells Bell-esqued and Polish Jew Polished Off; or, Mathias, the Muffin, the Mystrey, the Maiden and the Masher. Theatre Royal, Norwich, March 13, 1883.

Belphegor Travestie, by Leicester Buckingham. Strand, September 29, 1856. H. J. Turner, J. Clarke, Miss Cuthbert, Miss Thirlwall.

Belphegor the Mountebank, by C. H. Hazlewood.

Billy Taylor, burlesque-burletta, by J. B. Buckstone. Adelphi, November 9, 1829.

“The Birds” of Aristophanes, adapted by J. R. Planché. Haymarket, April 13, 1846. J. Bland, Miss P. Horton.

Black-Eyed Sukey; or, All in the Dumps, burlesque-extrav., by F. Fox Cooper. Olympic.

Black-Eyed Susan, the Latest Edition, by F. C. Burnand. New Royalty, November 29, 1866. F. Dewar, C. Wyndham, Misses M. Oliver, N. Bromley. This was afterwards revived.

Blighted Bachelors, burlesque, by Llewellyn Williams, Derby, August 29, 1881.

Blossom of Churmington Green, by F. Radcliffe Hoskins.

Blue Beard; or, Hints to the Curious, by J. H. Tully. English Opera House.

Blue Beard, burl.-burletta, by J. R. Planché. Olympic, January 1, 1839. Mr. J. Bland and Madame Vestris.

Blue Beard Re-trimmed. Park Theatre, July 9, 1877.

Blue Beard, from a new point of hue, by H. J. Byron. Adelphi, December 26, 1860.

Blue Beard Repaired, by H. Bellingham. Olympic, June 2, 1866.

Blue Beard, the Great Bashaw; or the Loves of Selim and Fatima, by H. T. Arden. Crystal Palace, March 29, 1869.

Blue Beard and Fat Emma; or, the Old Man who cried “Heads,” by Frank Green. North Woolwich Gardens, June 18, 1877.

Blue Beard and Son. Theatre Royal, Bath, March, 1880.

Blue Beard; or, the Hazard of the Dye, by F. C. Burnand. Gaiety, March 12, 1883.

Bluff King Hal; or the Maiden, the Masher, and the Monarch, Alexandra Theatre, Sheffield, March 12, 1883.

The Blundering Heir, by Henry P. Lyste.

Bobadil il Chico; or, the Moor the Merrier, by F. C. Burnand.

Boadicea the Beautiful; or, Harlequin Julius Caesar and the Delightful Druid. By F. C. Burnand. Pantomime for Amateurs, London, S. O. Beeton, 1865.

The Bohemian G-yurl and the Unapproachable Pole, by H. J. Byron. Opera Comique, Jan. 31, 1877, and Gaiety, August, 1877. E. W. Royce, Edward Terry, Misses E. Farren and Kate Vaughan. Revived in 1884.

Bombastes Furioso, a burlesque tragic opera, by William Barnes Rhodes. Haymarket, August 7, 1810. Mr. Mathews, Mr. Taylor, Mr. Liston, Miss H. Kelly. This is a travesty of Orlando Furioso, “Distaffina,” is Angelica, beloved by Orlando, whom she jilts for a young Moor named Medoro. This sends Orlando mad, and he hangs his armour on a tree with these lines beneath:――

“Orlando’s arms let none displace, Save one who’ll meet him face to face.”

The Bottle Imp, burlesque. Grecian Saloon. 1852.

Bride of Abydos; or the Prince, the Pirate, and the Pearl. By Henry J. Byron. No date. H. J. Turner, C. Young, Miss M. Oliver, Miss Swanborough.

The Brigand; or new Lines to an old Ban-ditty. By Gilbert A. à Beckett. Haymarket, Dec. 26, 1867. Mr. Compton.

The Bronze Horse, grand spectacle, by Howard Paul, founded on Scribe and Auber’s opera, Le Cheval de Bronze. Alhambra, July 4, 1881.

Brown and the Brahmins; or, Captain Pop and the Princess Pretty Eyes. Founded on the Drama of “The Illustrious Stranger,” by R. Reece. Globe, January 23, 1869.

Mr. Buckstone’s Ascent of Mount Parnassus. A travestie of Albert Smith’s “Ascent of Mont Blanc” by J. R. Planché. Haymarket, March 28, 1853. W. Farren, Braid, Buckstone, Mrs. Fitzwilliam.

Called Back Again, burl., parody of “Called Back” by Albert Chevalier. T. R., Plymouth, July 13, 1885.

Called There and Back, parody of H. Conway and Comyns Carr’s play “Called Back,” by Herman C. Merivale. Gaiety, October 15, 1884.

Calypso, Queen of Ogygia, by S. Brooks. Sadler’s Wells, April 15, 1865.

Camaralzaman and the Fair Badoura; or, the Bad Djinn and the Good Spirit, by Henry J. Byron. Vaudeville, Nov. 22, 1871. Thomas Thorne, and David James.

Camaralzaman, by F. C. Burnand. Gaiety, January 31, 1884. E. Terry, Soutar, Squire, Misses E. Farren and P. Broughton.

Camberwell Brothers, by C. Selby. Olympic, April 12, 1852.

Capuletta; or, Romeo and Juliet Restor-i-ed. Anon. Boston, U.S. C. H. Spencer, 1868.

Carmen; or, Sold for a Song, by R. Reece. Folly, Jan. 25, 1879. Lionel Brough, Miss Lydia Thompson.

Caste, a burlesque version, see Fun, May 4, 1867.

Castle of Otranto, extravaganza, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Haymarket, April 24, 1848.

Champagne, a Question of Phiz, by H. B. Farnie and R. Reece. Strand, September 29, 1877. Harry Cox, W. S. Penley, Marius, Miss Lottie Venne.

Chang-Ching-Fou, Cream of Tartar, by William Marten. Luton, April 11, 1864.

Charles II.; or, Something Like History, by Gilbert à Beckett. Court, November 25, 1872.

Charmian and Badoura, by Charles Horsman. Theatre Royal, Edinburgh, May 19, 1873.

Cheribel, burlesque, by Frank W. Green. Prince’s Theatre, Manchester, May 4, 1885.

Cherry and Fair Star, by Frank W. Green. Surrey Theatre, April 4, 1874.

Cherry and Fair Star, by C. H. Hazlewood.

The Children in the Wood; or, the Vengeance Dyer and the Pair of Dirty Kids, Bijou T. Bayswater, March 1, 1875.

A China Tale from a Delph Point of View, by H. F. Mc’Clelland. T. R., Belfast, November 11, 1878.

Chrononhotonthologos: the most Tragical Tragedy that ever was Tragedized by any Company of Tragedians. By Henry Carey. Haymarket, 1734. Revived at the Gaiety, November, 1880. Of the author, Henry Carey, it was said that “he led a life free from reproach, and hanged himself October 4, 1743.”

Christabel; or, The Bard Bewitched, by Gilbert à Beckett, Court, May 15, 1872. Partly founded on Coleridge’s famous poem.

Chrystabelle; or, the Rose without a Thorn. Extrav., by Edmund Falconer. Lyceum, December 26, 1860.

Cinderella, burl, extrav., by Albert Smith & C. L. Kenney. Lyceum, May 12, 1845.

Cinderella; or, the Lover, the Lackey, and the little Glass Slipper. By Henry J. Byron. Strand, December 26, 1860. H. J. Turner, J. Rogers, Misses M. Oliver, C. Saunders, and M. Simpson.

Cinderella in Quite Another Pair of Shoes, by Frank W. Green. Royal Gardens, North Woolwich, May 20, 1871.

Cinderella; a Story of the Slip and the Slipper, by J. W, Jones. T. R., Leicester, October 3, 1878.

Cinderella. Panto-opening, by E. L. Blanchard. Drury Lane, December, 1883.

Claude Du Val; or, the Highwayman for the Ladies, by F. C. Burnand. Royalty, January 23, 1869. F. Dewar, Misses M. Oliver & N. Bromley. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus. London.

The Coarse-Haired Brothers burlesque, by C. W. Taylor. New York. 1852.

Cœur de Lion, Revised, and his Enemies Corrected, by John Strachan. Strand, December 22, 1870.

Columbus el Filibustero, by John Brougham. Burton’s Theatre, New York, December, 1857.

Columbus; or, the Original Pitch in a Merry Key, by Alfred Thompson. Gaiety, May 17, 1869.

Ye Comedie of Errours, a glorious burlesque, by John F. Poole. New York. No date.

Conn; or, Out of Sight, Out of ’Erin, by F. W. Green, Alexandra T., Liverpool, April 28, 1879.

The Congress; or, the Czar and the Minister. T. R., Dover, July 8, 1878.

Conrad and Medora; or, Harlequin Corsair, and the Little Fairy at the Bottom of the Sea. A Burlesque Pantomime founded upon the ballet of “Le Corsaire,” by William Brough. Lyceum, December 26, 1856. J. L. Toole, Mrs. A. Mellon, & Marie Wilton. Also at the Crystal Palace, 1873.

Cooleen Drawn, by Martin Dutnall and J. B. Johnstone. Surrey T., October 14, 1861.

Corin; or the King of the Peaceful Isles. Queen’s T., Dublin, March 6, 1871.

The Corsair; or, the Little Fairy at the Bottom of the Sea, by William Brough. Lyceum, December 26, 1856. J. L. Toole, Mrs. A. Mellon, Miss M. Wilton.

The Corsican “Bothers”; or the Troublesome Twins, by Henry J. Byron, Globe, May 17, 1869.

The Corsican Brothers & Co., by F. C. Burnand and H. P. Stephens. Gaiety, October 25, 1880. E. W. Royce, J. Dallas, Misses E. Farren and Kate Vaughan. (In this Royce’s burlesque of Irving was very comical).

The Corsican Brother-babes-in-the-wood, extravaganza, by G. R. Sims. T. R. Hull, March 19, 1881, and Royalty Theatre, Glasgow, March 28, 1881.

The Coster Twin Brothers, by Frank Hall, Philharmonic, November 20, 1880.

Cox and Box, by Maddison Morton and F. C. Burnand, Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan. Founded on “Box and Cox.”

Cracked Heads, by Arthur Clements and F. Hay, Strand, February 2, 1876. Harry Cox, E. Terry, Lottie Venne.

A Cracker Bon-Bon for Christmas Parties, consisting of Christmas Pieces for private representation, by Robert B. Brough. This contains King Alfred and the Cakes, William Tell, Orpheus and Eurydice. With Illustrations. Published by S. French, London and New York.

Crichton, burlesque, by R. Hartley Edgar. Charing Cross, August 30, 1871.

The Critic; or, a Tragedy Rehearsed, by Richard Brinsley Sheridan. Drury Lane, 1779. “Sir Fretful Plagiary,” was intended as a burlesque of the character of Richard Cumberland, the dramatist.

The Critick Anticipated, a Literary Catchpenny, dedicated to R. B. Sheridan. London, 1780.

Cruel Carmen; or, the Demented Dragoon and the Terrible Toreador, by J. Wilton Jones. Prince’s Theatre, Manchester, March 29, 1880.

Crusoe the Second, extravaganza. Lyceum, April 5, 1847. Mr. and Mrs. Keeley, Alfred Wigan and Miss Dickinson.

Crystaline, by G. M. Layton. King’s Cross, March 6, 1871.

Cupid, Burlesque. Royalty, April 26, 1880.

Cupid, burl.-burletta, by Joseph Graves. Queen’s, 1837.

Damon the Dauntless and Phillis the Fair, by Charles Dryden. St. George’s Hall,, December 28, 1869.

Dandyados, a Tragedy. A parody of “Bombastes Furioso.” See “Transactions of the Loggerville Literary Society.” 1867.

Dandy Dick Turpin, by Geoffrey Thorn. Grand Theatre, Islington, October 7, 1889. Misses F. Leslie, F. Dysart, and Julia Warden.

Dan’l Tra-Duced, Tinker, by Arthur Clements. Strand, November 27, 1876.

The Dark King, burlesque, by C. H. Hazlewood.

David Garrick, burlesque, by Charles Colnaghi & E. Ponsonby. Criterion, May 11, 1888. (Amateur.)

The Deep, Deep Sea; or, Perseus and Andromeda, by J. R. Planché. Olympic, Dec. 26, 1833. J. Bland, J. Vining, and Madame Vestris.

Deep Red Rover, an O’Piratic Burlesque, by F. Hay and Westmacott Chapman.

Delights o’ London, by Wallis Mackay, Horace Lennard, and G. L. Gordon. Philharmonic, April, 8, 1882.

Der Freischutz; or, a Good Cast for a Piece, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, October 8, 1866.

Der Freischutz; or, the Bill, the Belle, and the Bullet, by Henry J. Byron. Prince of Wales’s, October 10, 1866.

The Desperate Adventures of the Baby; or, the Wandering Heir, by C. H. Ross & A. C. Freer. Strand, Dec. 14, 1878.

Devil’s Violin, by B. Webster. Adelphi, May 9, 1849. Wright, O. Smith, Paul Bedford, Madame Celeste, Miss Woolgar.

Diana; or, the Goddess of the Moon. Masonic T., Lincoln, October, 1882.

Dick Turpin the Second, by W. F. Goldberg. Gaiety, May, 1889.

Dick Whittington and his Cat-astrophe, by James Horner. Alexandra T. Walsall, June 16, 1884.

Dick Whittington; or, an old story re-told, by C. G. Dyall.

Dido, burlesque by F.C. Burnand. St. James’s, Feb. 11, 1860.

Dinorah under Difficulties, by W. Brough. Adelphi, Nov. 7, 1859, J. L. Toole.

Discreet Statues; or, the Water Carrier of the Alhambra, by Charles Penruddocke. Performed at Compton Park. January 9, 1874.

Doctor Dulcamara, by W. S. Gilbert. St. James’s.

Dr. Faust and Miss Marguerite; or, the Young Duck with the Old Quack, by R. J. Martin and E. A. P. Hobday. Queen’s T. Dublin, August 24, 1885.

Dolly and the Rat, or the Brisket Family, an operatic parody on “The Maid and the Magpie.” Duncombe, 1823.

Domenico, the Vile’un, by Leigh Thomas. Assembly Rooms, Camberwell, April 26, 1872.

The Domestic Hearthstone; or, the Virgin Maiden’s Vengeance, a Terrible Tragedy in One Act, by John Smith. (A Richardsonian Melo-drama.)

Don Carlos; or, the Infante in Arms, by Conway Edwardes, T. R. South Shields, Aug. 6, 1869. Vaudeville, April 16, 1870. Honey, Thorne, Miss Nelly Power.

Don Giovanni; or, a Spectre on Horseback, by Thomas Dibdin. Surrey Theatre, 1817.

Don Giovanni, by J. C. Brennan, T. R. Greenwich, March 11, 1872.

Don Giovanni in Venice, Operatic extravaganza by R. Reece. Gaiety, February 17, 1873.

Don Giovanni M.P. Princess’s Theatre, Edinburgh, April 17, 1874.

Don Giovanni, Junr; or, the Shakey Page, more Funkey than Flunkey. Greenwich, May 17, 1875.

Don Juan, Burlesque, T. R. Bradford, Nov., 22, 1870.

Don Juan; by Henry J. Byron. Alhambra, Dec., 22, 1873.

Don Juan, Junior, by the Brothers Prendergast. Royalty, November 2, 1880, E. Righton, Miss Kate Lawler.

Don Quixote, burl., by J. M. Killick. Cabinet, Oct. 28, 1869.

Done to-a-cinderella; or, The Drudge, the Prince, and the Plated Glass Slipper, by Fawcett Lomax. Theatre Royal, Exeter, September 12, 1881.

Dora and Diplunacy; or, a Woman of Uncommon Scents, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, February 14, 1878.

Douglas Travestie, by William Leman Rede. Adelphi, Feb. 13, 1837. O. Smith, J. Reeve, Mrs. Stirling.

The Dragon of Hougue Bie; or, The little Prince’s Tour, by J. F. Draper. Royal Hall, Jersey, Dec. 8, 1871.

Dulcamara; or, the Little Duck and the Great Quack, by W. S. Gilbert.

East Lynne, burl., Birmingham Theatre, Sept. 16, 1869.

East Lynne; or Isabel that was a Belle. Theatre Royal, Coventry, November 10, 1884.

Edwin and Angelina, by Miss Walford. Gallery of Illustration, May 6, 1871.

Effie and Jeannie Deans Burlesque, by C. H. Hazlewood.

Elbow Shakers, by F. Fox Cooper. Adelphi.

Elizabeth; or, the Don, the Duck, the Drake, and the Invisible Armada, by F. C. Burnand. Vaudeville, November 17, 1870.

Enchanted Horse, by Albert Smith and C. L. Kenney. Lyceum, December 26, 1845.

The Enchanted Isle; or, “Raising the Wind” on the most approved Principles. A parody on Shakespeare’s “Tempest,” by the Brothers Brough. Adelphi, Nov. 20, 1848. O. Smith, Paul Bedford, Miss Woolgar & Madame Celeste.

Endymion; or, the Naughty Boy who cried for the Moon, by William Brough.

Ernani; or, the Horn of a Dilemma, by William Brough. Alexandra T., May 20, 1865.

Erratic Evangeline. Birmingham T., March 10, 1884.

Esmeralda, an Operaticoterpsichorean burlesque in Two Acts, without any Foundation whatever, by two Gentlemen who won’t be answerable for anything. London, published by G. Odell, 1844.

Esmeralda, burl., by Albert Smith. Adelphi, June 3, 1850. O. Smith, Wright, Paul Bedford, Miss Woolgar, Madame Celeste.

Esmeralda; or, the “Sensation” Goat, by Henry J. Byron. Strand, Sept. 28, 1861. J. Rogers, J. Clarke, Misses Marie Wilton, E. Bufton. Revived at the Strand, June, 1871.

Eurydice (as it was damned at the T. R., in Drury Lane), by Henry Fielding: see his works.

Eurydice; or, Little Orpheus and His Lute, by H. J. Byron. Strand, April 24, 1871.

Evangeline, American burlesque. Court Theatre, Liverpool, June 11, 1883.

Fair Helen, by V. Amcotts. Oxford. Shrimpton. 1868.

Fair Star, extravaganza, by Albert Smith and J. Oxenford. Princess’s, April 8, 1844.

The Fairy Ring. Theatre Royal, Bristol, March 29, 1869.

Fancy Land; or, the Ideal King, burlesque, by C. F. Fuller, H.M.S. “Rainbow,” April 9, 1884.

Farrago, burlesque, Ashton Theatre, May 14, 1883.

The Fair Princess, burlesque, by Fred Bernard. Gaiety Theatre, Walsall, December 20, 1886.

Fair Rosamond’s Bower or, the Monarch, the Maiden, the Maze, and the Mixture, by Frederick Langbridge.

Fair Rosamond, burlesque-extravaganza, T. P. Taylor. Sadler’s Wells, 1838.

Fair Rosamond; or, the Maze, the Maid, and the Monarch, by F. C. Burnand. Olympic, April 21, 1862. F. Robson.

Faust in a Fog, by R. Reece.

Faust and Marguerite, by F. C. Burnand. St. James’s, July 9, 1864. Mr. and Mrs. Chas. Mathews, J. Clarke.

Faust; or, Marguerite’s Mangle, by C. H. Hazlewood. Britannia, March 25, 1867.

Faust in forty minutes, burlesque by Fred. Locke. Gaiety T. Glasgow. August 17, 1885.

Faust and Loose; or Brocken Vows. Travestie on Lyceum “Faust,” by F. C. Burnand. Toole’s Theatre, Feb. 4, 1886. J. L. Toole, Miss Marie Linden.

Faust and Co., by George Gordon, T. R. Greenock, February 27, 1886.

Faust up to Date, burlesque, by G. R. Sims and Henry Pettitt, Gaiety, October 30, 1888. E. J. Lonnen, Miss F. Robina, Miss F. St. John.

Faust; or the Old Man and the Devil. Woolwich T.

Fayre Rosamond; or, Ye Dagger, and Ye Poisoned Bowl by T. Cother. T. R., Gloucester, April 19, 1869.

The Field of the Cloth of Gold, burl-extrav. Strand, April 11, 1868. Harry Cox, Marius, H. J. Turner, Misses Sallie Turner and Lottie Venne.

Fine Nance; or, Alas (s) for the city; a burlesque sketch as performed by a Limited Company. London, Hatton and Son 1867. A skit on the “Companies’ Act 1862.”

The Flying Dutchman; or, the Demon Seaman and the Lass that loved a Sailor, by W. Brough. Royalty, Dec. 2, 1869.

Firmilian; or the Student of Badajoz. A Spasmodic Tragedy, by T. Percy Jones, W. Blackwood & Sons, 1854. This burlesque was written by Professor W. E. Aytoun.

F. M. Julius Cnæsar; or, the Irregular Rum ’un, by F. C. Burnand. Royalty, September 7, 1870.

The Forty Thieves, burlesque, by R. Reece, Gaiety, Dec. 24, 1880. Edward Terry, T. Squire, Royce, Misses E. Farren, and Kate Vaughan.

The Four Kings; or, Paddy in the Moon, by C. H. Hazlewood. Britannia, April 14, 1873.

Fowl Play; or, a Story of Chikken Hazard, by F. C. Burnand. Queen’s, June 20, 1868.

Fra Diavolo; or, the Beauty and the Brigands, by Henry James Byron. Strand, April 5, 1858, and revived Sept. 10, 1860. H. J. Turner, J. Rogers, Miss M. Simpson.

Fra Diavolo the Second, extravaganza, by J. T. Denny. Philharmonic, August 28, 1882.

The Frightful Hair; or, who Shot the Dog. An original Travestie on Lord Lytton’s “Rightful Heir.” By F. C. Burnand. Haymarket, December 26, 1868. Mr. Kendal, Mr. Compton, Misses Ione Burke, and F. Wright. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.

Frankenstein, burlesque, by “Richard Henry.” Gaiety, December 24, 1887.

Furnivallos Furioso! and “The Newest Shakespeare Society.” London, T. Richards, 1876. Written to ridicule Mr. Furnivall, but never performed.

Galatea; or Pygmalion Re-versed, burlesque, by H. P. Stephens. Gaiety, December 26, 1883.

The Gay Musketeers; or, All for Number One, by Eldred and Paulton. P. of Wales’s, Liverpool, April 18, 1870.

Gentle Gertrude, of the Infamous Redd Lyon Inn; or, Drugged and Drowned in Digbeth! A melo-drammer in One Act, by T. E. Pemberton. Liverpool Theatre, February 21, 1881; Gaiety, London, May 14, 1884.

George Barnwell Travestie. See “Rejected Addresses,” by James and Horace Smith.

George de Barnwell, burl., by Henry J. Byron. Adelphi, December 26, 1862.

Georgy Barnwell, by Montague Corri. Surrey T., May 27, 1844.

The German Silvery King, by Walter Burnot. Elephant and Castle, March 24, 1883.

Giddy Godiva; or, the Girl that was sent to Coventry, by H. C. Newton. Sanger’s Amphitheatre, Oct. 13, 1883.

Giovanni in London, or, The Libertine Reclaimed, by W. T. Moncrieff. Drury Lane and Covent Garden, 1827.

The Girls of the Period, burl., by F. C. Burnand.

Giselle; or, the Sirens of the Lotus Lake, by Henry J. Byron. Olympic, July 22, 1871.

Godiva, historical burlesque, by F. Talfourd and W. Hale. Strand, July 7, 1851.

The Golden Fleece; or Jason in Colchis, a classical extrav., J. R. Planché. Haymarket, March 24, 1845. J. Bland, Miss P. Horton, Madame Vestris.

The Golden Pippin, by Kane O’Hara. Covent Garden, 1773.

The Good Fairy of St. Helen’s; or, King Coal and his Merry Men, by James Brockbank. April 22, 1872.

Good Old Barnes of New York, by Walter Burnot. Ladbroke Hall, September 25, 1888.

The Goose and Golden Eggs, by J. F. Draper (Amateur). Royal Hall, Jersey. November 19, 1869.

The Grand Duke of Camberwell, by W. M. Akhurst. Elephant and Castle, April 17, 1876.

The Great Metropolis, extrav., by F. C. Burnand. Gaiety, April 6, 1874.

Great Sensation Trial, or Circumstantial Effie-Deans, by W. Brough.

The Great Tragic Revival, an absurdity, by John Brougham, Burton’s Theatre, New York, 1858.

Greenleaf the Graceful, or the Palace of Vengeance, by W. R. Osman. Royalty, February 26, 1872.

The “Grin” Bushes! or, the “Mrs.” Brown of the “Missis”-Sippi. Founded on the “Green Bushes.” By Henry J. Byron. Strand, Dec. 26, 1864. David James, J. Stoyle, Misses M. Simpson & Ada Swanborough.

Grizelle; or Dancing Mad. A Legend of St. Vitus, by W. H. Oxberry. English Opera House.

The Guardians, or is “Union” Strength? by “Ixion.”

The Guilty Governess and the Downey Doctor, by G. M. Layton. Folly, May 8, 1876.

Guy Fawkes, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, Dec. 22, 1866.

Guy Fawkes, by Henry J. Byron. Gaiety, January 14, 1874. J. L. Toole, Brough, Nellie Farren.

Guy Mannering in a New Guise, by Robert Reece.

Half Crown Diamonds, by Robert Reece. Holborn, Sept. 27, 1875. G. Vincent, E. Atkins, J. H. Standing. New Version. Imperial Theatre, October 2, 1880.

Hamlet Travestie, in three acts, with annotations by Dr. Johnson and George Stevens, Esq., and other Commentators, by John Poole. London, 1810.

Hamlet Travestie, by F. Talfourd. Oxford, J. Vincent, 1849.

Hamlet the Hysterical, a Delusion in Five Spasms. Princess’s, November 30, 1874.

Hamlet â la Mode, an “absurdity,” by G. L. Gordon and G. W. Anson. Prince of Wales’s, Liverpool, Oct. 16, 1876, and Opera Comique, London, April 21, 1877.

Hamlet whether He Will or No, by George Booth. Alexandra Theatre, Sheffield, June 2, 1879.

Hamlet; or, Not such a Fool as he Looks. For Amateur Performance. Cambridge: W. Metcalfe & Son, 1882.

Hamlet Improved; or, Mr. Mendall’s attempt to ameliorate that Tragedy, by Colonel Colomb, R.A. (This piece was not designed to burlesque Shakespeare.)

Hamlet the Dainty, a Nigger drama.

Handsome Hernani; or, the Fatal Penny Whistle, by Henry J. Byron. Gaiety, August 30, 1879. E. W. Royce, E. Terry, Misses E. Farren and Kate Vaughan.

The Happy Land; a burlesque version of “The Wicked World,” by F. Tomline and Gilbert A. àBeckett. Court, March 3, 1873. W. Hill, Fisher, Righton, Miss Lottie Venn. This was prohibited by the Lord Chamberlain on March 7, 1873, on account of its political allusions, three of the principal characters having been “made up” to represent Messrs. W. E. Gladstone, R. Lowe and Ayrton; with certain alterations and omissions, the burlesque was again performed, but it had lost its savour. It was printed by J. W. Last & Co., Drury Lane.

Harlequin Jack Sheppard, or, the Blossom of Tyburn Tree; satirising the dramas manufactured from W. H. Ainsworth’s novels. Covent Garden Theatre, 1839.

The Haunted Glen, burl., by Harry Webber and Maidlow Davis. Royal Artillery T. Woolwich, April 27, 1888.

Here’s another Guy Mannering, by F. C. Burnand. Vaudeville, May 23, 1874.

Helen; or, taken from the Greek, by F. C. Burnand. Prince of Wales’, Liverpool, September, 30. 1867.

Hercules and Omphale, or, The Power of Love, a classical extrav., by William Brough. St. James’s, December, 26, 1864. Mr. and Mrs. Frank Matthews, H. J. Montague, Misses Herbert and C. Saunders.

Hermesianax, burlesque. Derby, July 9, 1869.

Herne the Hunter, panto-burl., by Robert Reece and W. Yardley. Gaiety, May 24, 1881.

Haiwatha; or, Ardent Spirits and Laughing Water, by Charles M. Walcot. Wallack’s Theatre. New York, December 25, 1856.

Hide and Seekyl, by George Grossmith. See “Real Case.”

Hit and Miss; or, All my Eye and Betty Martyn, by F. C. Burnand. Olympic, April 13, 1868.

Hit or Miss; or, the Last of the Barons, by Arthur Milton. Theatre Royal, Middlesborough, February 19, 1883.

How I found Crusoe; or, the Flight of Imagination, by Alfred Thompson. Olympic, December 28, 1870.

The Hunchback back again; or, Peculiar Julia, by F. C. Burnand. Olympic, Dec. 23, 1879.

Hypermnestra; or, the Girl of the Period, by Frank Sikes. Lyceum, March 27, 1869.

Idle ’Prentice, The; a Tyburnian Idyll of High, Low, Jack and His Little Game, by H. B. Farnie. Strand T., Sept., 10, 1870.

Ill-treated Il Trovatore; or, the Mother, the Maiden and the Musicianer, by Henry J. Byron. Adelphi, May 21, 1863. Paul Bedford, J. L. Toole, Miss C. Nelson.

Im-patience, travestie, by Walter Browne. Prince of Wales’s Theatre, Liverpool, August 25, 1884.

Ingomar, burlesque, by G. E. Jeffrey. T. R., Douglas, Isle of Man, September 2, 1868.

Ingomar the Idiotic; or, the Miser, the Maid, and the Mangle, by Messrs. Allan and Howard. Alfred Theatre, August 19, 1871.

Innocentinez; or, the Magic Pipe and the Fatal I.O.U., by H. Adams, King’s Cross, March 29, 1876.

Ino; or, the Theban Twins, by B. J. Spedding. Prince of Wales’s, Liverpool, August 30, 1869. Strand, London, October 30, 1869. David James and T. Thorne.

Ion, by F. Fox Cooper. Garrick, November 9, 1836.

Iphigeneia; or, the Sail, the Seer, and the Sacrifice, by E. Nolan. Performed at the Music Room, Oxford, by the St. John’s College Amateurs. Commemoration 1866. Oxford: T. & G. Shrimpton.

Isaac Abroad; or, Ivanhoe Settled and Rebecca Righted, by Thomas F. Plowman, T. R. Oxford, January 15, 1878.

Isaac of York; or, Saxons and Normans at Home, by T. F. Plowman. Court, Nov. 29, 1871. E. Righton, Misses Cornélie D’Anka and Kate Bishop.

Ivanhoe, by Henry J. Byron. Strand, December 26, 1862. H. J. Turner, J. Clarke, James Rogers, Misses C. Saunders, E. Bufton, Fanny Josephs.

Ivanhoe, the latest edition, by R. B. Brough. Haymarket, April 1, 1850.

Ixion; or, the Man at the Wheel, extrav. by F. C. Burnand. Royalty, Sept. 28, 1863.

Jack; or, the Magic key. Queen’s Theatre, Dublin, April 14, 1879.

Jack, the Giant Killer, by H. J. Byron. Princess’s, December 26, 1859.

Jack and the Beanstalk, by Charles Millward. Adelphi, December 26, 1872.

Jack Robinson Crusoe; or, the Good Friday that came on Saturday, by J. W. Jones. Windsor T., Oct. 14, 1876.

Jane Shore; or, the Fearful Penance and the Fatal Penny Roll, by J. Wilton-Jones. Liverpool, August 16, 1880.

The Japs; or, the Doomed Daimio, Japanese burlesque, by Harry Paulton and Mostyn Tedde. Originally produced at Prince’s Theatre, Bristol, August 31, 1885, and at Novelty Theatre, London, September 19, 1885.

Joan of Arc, burlesque, by William Brough. Strand, March 29, 1869 David James, Thomas Thorne, H. J. Turner, Misses E. Bufton, Bella Goodall.

Joe Miller, and his Men, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Princess’s.

Julius See-saw; or, Dauntless Decius the Doubtful Decemvir, by Harry M. Pitt. Sheffield, March 29, 1869.

Kenilworth; or, Ye Queene, Ye Earle, and ye Maydenne, by Andrew Halliday and F. Lawrance. Strand, Dec. 27, 1858. J. Clarke, H. J. Turner, Misses M. Wilton, M. Oliver, C. Saunders and Swanborough. Reproduced, Strand, July 21, 1866.

Kenilworth, burlesque-extravaganza, by R. Reece and H. B. Farnie. Avenue, December 19, 1885.

King Arthur; or, the Days and Knights of the Round Table, by William Brough.

The King, the Ring, and the Giddy Young Thing; or, Herne the Hunter, Anne Boleyn, and the Fair Maid of the River Dee, by George Reeves. Elephant and Castle, April 8, 1882.

King’s Bounty; or, the Deserter, by R. E. Lonsdale.

King Coffee; or, the Princess of Ashantee. Southport Theatre, December 8, 1873.

King John Travestie, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. St. James’s, October 29, 1837.

King Kokatoo, by F. C. Burnand. Leeds, March 4, 1872.

King Lear Burlesque, by Mr. Marchant.

King Lear and his Daughters Queer, burl., by E. Elton.

King Richard ye Thirde, or ye Battel of Bosworth Field, by Charles Selby. Strand, February 26, 1844.

The Knight and the Sprite; or, the Cold Water Cure! an Aquatic Burl., by G. A. à Beckett and Mark Lemon. Strand, November 11, 1844.

King Zany’s Daughter; or, the Princess who was Blind of one Eye, and could not see out of the other. By W. H. Bosbacca.

The Knight of the Burning Pestle, by Francis Beaumont and John Fletcher. London, 1611. This was a burlesque upon the tasteless affectations of the tales of chivalry, somewhat after the manner of “Don Quixote.”

La-Ba-Kan; or, the Prince’s Nap and the Snip’s Snap, by J. E. Roe. Swiss Gardens, Shoreham, June 7, 1869.

Lady Godiva; or, ye Ladye of Coventrie and ye Exyle Fayrie. Strand, July 7, 1851.

Lady Godiva burl., by Frederick Robson. T. R. Middlesbrough, May 5, 1873. Sadler’s Wells, Dec., 6, 1873.

Lady of the Lake, by Mortimer Thomson. Niblo’s Garden Theatre, New York, U.S., June 21, 1860.

The Lady of the Lake, burlesque, by R. Whateley Taylor. Royalty, April 21, 1862.

The Lady of the Lake, Plaid in a new Tartan, burl., of Sir Walter Scott, by R. Reece. Royalty, September 8, 1866, E. Danvers, Miss M. Oliver.

The Lady of the Lane, burl., by H. J. Byron. Strand, Oct., 31, 1872.

Lady of the Lions, burl., by O. F. Durivage. Baltimore T., United States, 1856.

The Lady of Lyons Burlesque, by M. Marchant.

The Lady of Lyons, burl., by Maurice G. Dowling.

The Lady of Lyons, burl., by W. Younge. Imperial T. April 23, 1879, Lionel Brough, C. Steyne, Miss L. Thompson.

Ye Lady of Lyons, by A. Lewis Clifton. Aquarium, Yarmouth, April 10, 1882.

The Lady of Lyons Married and Settled, by Herman C. Merivale. Gaiety, October 5, 1878. E. Terry, E. W. Royce, Squire, Elton, and Miss E. Farren.

The Lady of Lyons Married, and Claude Unsettled, absurdity, by R. Reece. Royalty, Glasgow, Sept. 27, 1884.

The Latest Edition of the Lady of Lyons, by Henry J. Byron. Strand, February 1, 1858.

Latest Edition of Kenilworth, by Andrew Halliday. Strand, Dec. 27, 1858.

Latest Edition of the Lady of the Lake, by R. Reece.

The Very Latest Edition of the Lady of Lyons, by H. J. Byron. Strand, July 11, 1859. J. Clarke, J. Rogers, H. J. Turner, Misses C. Saunders, and M. Oliver.

Lalla Rookh; or, the Princess, the Peri, and the Troubadour by William Brough. Lyceum, December 24, 1857. J. L. Toole, Mrs. Alfred Mellon, Mrs. C. Dillon.

Lalla Rookh, an Oriental extravaganza, by Vincent Amcotts. Masonic Hall, Oxford, Commemoration 1866, by the S. S. Amateurs. Oxford: T. Shrimpton & Son, 1866. Also performed at the “Gallery of Illustration,” London, June 19 and 20, 1868, by the “Shooting Stars.”

Lalla Rookh, burl., by Horace Lennard. Novelty Theatre, May 1, 1884. Harry Nicholls, Misses M. Mario, Kate Vaughan, and Dot Mario.

Lancelot the Lovely; or, the Idol of the King, by Richard Henry. Avenue, April, 1889. Arthur Roberts, E. D. Ward, Miss Vanoni.

The Lass that Loves a Sailor, or, the Perfidious Pirate, the Modest Maiden, and the Trusty Tar, by Lloyd Clarance. T. R., Great Grimsby, September 17, 1883.

The Last of the Barons, burlesque, by L. H. Du Terreaux. Strand, April 18, 1872.

The Latest Edition of the Rival Othellos, by Henry J. Byron. Strand, 1876. Edward Terry, Marius, H. J. Turner. (A burlesque upon Henry Irving and Salvini in their respective representations of Othello).

The Latest Yarn of the Crusoe Crew. Ashton Theatre, July 16, 1883.

Leah, a hearty joke in a Cab-age, by W. Routledge. Gallery of Illustrations, January 23, 1869.

Leah, burl. Southminster T., Edinburgh, June 15, 1868.

Leo the Terrible, Æsopian burl., by J. Stirling Coyne and Francis Talfourd. Haymarket, December 27, 1852.

Life in the Clouds; or, Olympus in an Uproar, by John Brougham. English Opera House, July 23, 1840.

The Light of the Isles, by Oswald Allan. Queen’s T. Dublin, August 21, 1876.

Linda of Chamouni; or, not Formosa, by Alfred Thompson. Gaiety, September 13, 1869.

Linda di Chamouni; or, the Blighted Flower, by Conway Edwardes. T. R. Bath, February 20, 1869.

The Lions’ Lady; or, How come you so? An anonymous burl. of “The Lady of Lyons.” London, C. Whiting. 1838.

Lion’s Tale, or the Naughty Boy who wagged it, by R. Reece. Globe.

Little Amy Robsart from a Comic Point of View. Prince of Wales’s, Liverpool, February 22, 1872.

Little Ben Bolt, by Edwin Keene. Gravesend T., June 24, 1879.

Little Ben Bolt, or the Meritorious Maiden and the Milli-cious Miller, by Edwin Keene. Colchester, August 2, 1880.

Little Billie Carlyle; or, the Bell and the Hare, burlesque of “East Lynne,” by W. J. Harbon. Prince of Wales’s, Wolverhampton, April 18, 1881.

Little Boy Blue, by F. J. Watts. Shoreham, May 17, 1875.

Little Carmen, burl., by Alfred Murray. Globe, February 7, 1884.

Little Cinderella, J. Wilton Jones. Newcastle Theatre, June 25, 1887.

Little Doctor Faust, the Gaiety, not the Goethe Version, by H. J. Byron. Gaiety, October 13, 1877. Edward Terry, R. Soutar, E. W. Royce, Miss E. Farren.

Little Don Cæsar de Bazan; or, Maritana and the Merry Monarch. By H. J. Byron. Gaiety, August 26, 1876. E. Terry, E. W. Royce, Misses E. Farren and Kate Vaughan. (Revived in 1878.)

Little Don Giovanni, or Leporello and the Stone Statue, by Henry J. Byron. Prince of Wales’s, December 26, 1865. J. Clarke, Miss Marie Wilton and Miss F. Josephs.

Little Don Quixote. T. R., Cheltenham, April 9, 1883.

Little Gil Blas, and How He Played the Spanish D(j)euce, by H. B. Farnie. Princess’s, December 24, 1870.

Little Giselle; or, the Sirens of the Lotus Lake, by Henry J. Byron. Olympic, July 22, 1871. G. Belmore, D. James and Miss E. Farren.

Little Jack Sheppard, by H. P. Stephens & W. Yardley. Gaiety, Dec. 26, 1885. David James, F. Leslie, Odell, Misses E. Farren, Harriet Coveney, Marion Hood.

Little Jack Carpenter. T. R., Liverpool, May 15, 1875.

Little Lalla Rookh, burl.-extrav., by J. T. Denny. Originally produced at Gaiety T., Hastings, August 31, 1885, and at Grand T., London, September 14, 1885.

Little Lohengrin; or, the Lover and the Bird, by Frederick Bowyer. Holborn T., August 16, 1884.

Little Red Riding Hood, burlesque, by C. H. Hazlewood.

Little Red Riding Hood, burlesque-extravaganza, by Leicester Buckingham. Lyceum, Dec. 26, 1861.

Little Robin Hood, or Quite a New Beau, by Robert Reece. Royalty, April 19, 1871.

Little Robin Hood, burlesque-drama, by R. Reece. Gaiety, Sept. 15, 1882. T. Squire, Arthur Williams, Robert Brough, J. Dallas, Misses E. Farren, P. Broughton.

Little Robinson Crusoe, by David James, Jun. Oxford Theatre, April 13, 1885.

Little Rip Van Winkle, by R. Reece. Gaiety.

Lord Bateman, or The Proud Young Porter and the Fair Sophia, by Henry J. Byron. Globe, Dec. 27, 1869.

Lord Bateman, by Charles Daly. Theatre Royal, Seaham Harbour, April 17, 1876.

Lord Lovel and Lady Nancy Bell; or, the Bounding Brigand of Bakumboilum, by F. C. Burnand. Written for the A. D. C. Cambridge. November 21, 1856.

Louis XI.; or, the Tricksey Monarch and the Wicksey Warrior, by Harry M. Pitt. T. R. West Hartlepool, July 9, 1869.

Love and Fortune, by J. R. Planché, Princess’s, Sept. 24, 1859. Frank Matthews, Misses Louise Keeley, and Carlotta Leclercq.

Love’s Paradise. Founded upon the legend of “Cupid and Psyche” in the metamorphoses of Apuleius, by F. G. Westmacott Chapman. Haymarket, April 6, 1874.

Loves of Lord Bateman and the Fair Sophia, burlesque by Charles Selby. Strand, July 1, 1839. The Performers were dressed in the costumes shown in George Cruikshank’s illustrations to the Ballad.

Lucrezia Borgia! At Home, and all Abroad, by Leicester Buckingham. St. James’s, April 9, 1860.

Lucrezia Borgia, by Sydney French. Marylebone T., July 20, 1867.

Lucrezia Borgia, M.D., or La Grande Doctresse, by Henry J. Byron. Holborn, October 28, 1868.

Lucy of Lammermoor, burlesque opera, by W. H. Oxberry. Strand, February, 1848.

Lucia di Lammermoor, or the Laird, the Lady, and the Lover, by Henry J. Byron. Prince of Wales’s, Sept. 25, 1865. Harry Cox, F. Dewar, J. Clarke, Misses Marie Wilton, and F. Josephs.

Lurline, or the Rhine and the Rhino, by C. H. Hazlewood.

Lurline, by R. Reece & H. B. Farnie. Avenue, April 24, 1886.

The Lying Dutchman, a Phantom Folly, by Hue and Eye. Strand. Harry Cox, Marius, Penley, Miss Lottie Venne.

The Lying Dutchman, by Frank W. Green and W. Swanborough. Strand, December 21, 1876.

Macbeth Travestie, by W. K. Northall. Olympic T., New York, October 16, 1843. Mitchell.

Macbeth Travestie. See “Rejected Addresses,” by James and Horace Smith.

Macbeth, somewhat removed from the Text of Shakespeare, by Francis Talfourd. First performed at Henley-on-Thames (Regatta), June 17, 1847; at the Strand, January 10, 1848; at Olympic, April 25, 1853. In the last instance F. Robson played Macbeth.

Macbeth Mystified, by W. H. Mason and J. E. Roe. Theatre Royal Brighton, May 3, 1869.

Madeira; or W(h)ines from the Wood, by Henry Adams. King’s Cross, October 25, 1875.

The Mad Mother and her Lost Son, burlesque of “Il Trovatore.” Theatre Royal, Scarborough, April 21, 1884.

The Magic Mirror, burlesque spectacle, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Princess’s, December 26, 1843.

The Magic Whisper Burlesque, by C. H. Hazlewood.

The Maid and the Magpie Travestie; or, the Fatal Spoon, by Henry J. Byron. Strand, October 11, 1858. J. Clarke, H. J. Turner, J. Bland, Misses Marie Wilton, M. Oliver and Hughes.

Man-Fred, burlesque by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Strand, December 26, 1834. Mitchell, Miss P. Horton.

The Marble Maiden; or, Zampa in Miniature, by G. M. Layton. Royalty, July 24, 1873.

The Marble Maiden, by J. H. Stocqueler. Lyceum, March 5, 1846. Alfred Wigan, Mr. and Mrs. Keeley.

The Marriage of Sir Gawaine; or, King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. T. H. Lacy, 1861. Not acted.

Martha; or, the Fair Lady, and the Farmer of Richmond Fair, by Captain Arbuthnot. Plymouth, 1866.

Martha, burlesque, by Robert Reece. Gaiety, April 14, 1873.

Mary Turner, by F. C. Burnand. Holborn, Oct. 25, 1867.

Masaniello; or, the Fish’oman of Naples, by Robert B. Brough. Olympic, July 2, 1857. F. Robson, Miss Hughes.

Masse-en-Yell-Oh, a riotous, socialistic travestie, by Harry Paulton and “Mostyn Tedde.” Comedy, March 23, 1886.

Mazeppa, an equestrian burlesque, by C. White. N. York.

Mazeppa, by Henry J. Byron. Olympic, December 27, 1858. F. Robson, H. Wigan, Miss Wyndham.

Mazeppa; or, “Bound” to Win, a Ride-diculous One-horse burlesque, in Three Hacks, by F. C. Burnand. Gaiety, March 12, 1885. E. Royce, E. Terry, Misses E. Farren, and P. Broughton.

Mazourka; or, the Stick, the Pole, and the Tartar, burl.-extravaganza, by H. J. Byron. Strand, April 27, 1864.

Medea; or, the Best of Mothers, by R. B. Brough. Olympic, July 14, 1856. F. Robson, Emery, and Miss J. St. George.

Mephisto, travestie, by Byron M’Guiness. Royalty, June 14, 1886.

Merchant of Venice travestie, by F. Talfourd. Oxford, 1849.

Merry Mignon; or, the Beauty and the Bard, operatic-burlesque, by J. Wilton Jones. Court Theatre, Liverpool, April 26, 1882.

The Merry Zingara; or, the Tipsy Gipsy, and the Pipsy Wipsy, a whimsical parody on the “Bohemian Girl,” by W. S. Gilbert. Royalty, March 31, 1868. F. Dewar, Danvers, Misses M. Oliver, and C. Saunders. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.

Metamora; or, the Last of the Pollywogs, by John Brougham. Adelphi, Boston, U.S., November 29, 1847. Mr. and Mrs. John Brougham.

Midas, by Kane O’Hara. Crow Street Theatre, Dublin, 1762. Covent Garden, London, February 22, 1764.

The Midnight Spectre,!!! or, the Fatal Secret, a Richardsonian melo-drama, by Nelson Lee, Junior. Crystal Palace (R.D.C.), July 21, 1861.

The Miller of Mansfield, burl. London. E. West, 1851.

The Miller and his Men, a burlesque mealy-drama, by Francis Talfourd and Henry J. Byron. Strand, April 9, 1860. J. Clarke, J. Rogers, Miss Marie Wilton.

The Military Billy Taylor; or, the War in Cariboo, by F. C. Burnand. Royalty, April 22, 1869. F. Dewar, Danvers, Misses C. Saunders and M. Oliver.

Mind the Shop, comedy-burlesque, by Robert Reece and Edward Righton. Globe, April 22, 1878.

Miss Eily O’Connor, a burlesque of “The Colleen Bawn,” by Henry J. Byron. Drury Lane, November 25, 1861. Tom Matthews, and Miss L. Keeley.

Miss Esmeralda, by “A. C. Torr.” (Fred J. Leslie) and Horace Mills. Gaiety, October 8, 1887.

Miss Merrick, burlesque-drama, by G. S. Brodie.

Mr. Robert Roy, Hielan Helen, his Wife, and Dougal the Dodger, by William Lowe. Pavilion, Glasgow, December 11, 1880.

The Mistletoe Bough, by H. B. Farnie. Adelphi, December 26, 1870.

Monte Christo Jun., burlesque-melodrama, by “Richard Henry.” Gaiety, December 23, 1886. G. Honey, F. Leslie, and Miss E. Farren.

The Motto, I am “all there,” by H. J. Byron. Strand, July 16, 1863.

Moths à la Mode, by F. Hugh Herbert. Princess’s Theatre, Edinburgh, March 5, 1883.

Moths Quitos; or, Ouida’s Moths, by D. W. Edgar. Theatre Royal, Middlesborough, April 21, 1882.

Mountain Dhu; or, the Knight! the Lady! and the Lake! by Andrew Halliday. Adelphi, Dec. 26, 1866. J. L. Toole, Paul Bedford, Mrs. A. Mellon, Miss Furtado.

Much Ado about a Merchant of Venice. From the Original Text――a Long Way. By John Brougham. New York, 1868.

My-fisto, burlesque-extravaganza, by Vere Montague and Frank St. Clare. T. R., Colchester, Jan. 24, 1887.

Mysseltoe Bough Burlesque, by Mr. Marchant.

Nero, a Romantick Fiddler, by T. H. Bayley. English Opera House, August, 1833.

The New Corsican Brothers, by Cecil Raleigh. Royalty, November 20, 1889. Arthur Roberts.

A New Edition of the Corsican Brothers; or, the Kompact, the Kick, and the Kombat, by W. H. Mason. Theatre Royal, Brighton, July 18, 1870.

New Don Juan, by J. B. Buckstone. Adelphi, 1828.

The New King Richard the Third, by C. H. Hazlewood. Britannia, April 1, 1878.

Nobody’s Cheild, by H. T. Arden. Cremorne, August 10, 1868, and Surrey, October 8, 1870.

Noodledom, by Edwin Marshall. Lecture Hall, Walworth, January 10, 1877.

Norma, burlesque, by J. H. Draper. Royal Hall, Jersey, March 5, 1875.

Norma Travestie, burlesque-burletta, by W. H. Oxberry. Adelphi, December 6, 1841. Paul Bedford and Wright.

The Norman Invasion, burlesque, by J. M. Killick. Saint George’s Hall, October 26, 1870.

No Thorough-fair beyond Highbury; or, the Maid, the Mother, and the Malicious Mountaineer, by Mr. Hazlewood, Junior. Alexandra, April 13, 1868.

No Thoroughfare, burl., by George Grossmith. Victoria, March 22, 1869.

Nottingham Castle, burl., by F. R. Goodyer. Nottingham Theatre, September 22, 1873.

Novelty Fair, a review, by Albert Smith. Lyceum, May 21, 1850. C. Mathews, F. Matthews, Julia St. George.

The Nymph of the Lurleyburg; or, the Knight and the Naiads, by Henry James Byron. New Adelphi, Dec. 26, 1859. Founded on the Legend of “Lurline.” J. L. Toole, Paul Bedford, & Miss Woolgar.

O Gemini! or, the Brothers of Co(u)rse, by Gilbert A. à Beckett and Mark Lemon. Haymarket, April 12, 1852. J. B. Buckstone.

The O’Dora: or, a Wrong Accent, travestie of Sardou’s “Theodora,” by F. C. Burnand. Toole’s, July 13, 1885.

Oh! Aida, or a Game at Pyramids.

Oh! Those Babes; or, the Unhappy Uncle, the Virtuous Villains, and the Cheeky Children, by Will Clements. T. R., Woolwich, June 18, 1888.

O’ Jupiter; or the Fiddler’s Wife, by Frank Hall. Philharmonic, October 2, 1880.

Old Carlisle Bridge; or, the Shame of the City, a burl. Dublin Street drama, by William Scribble. Queen’s Theatre, Dublin, 1862.

Old Izaak Walton; or, Tom Moore of Fleet Street, the Silver Trout, and the Seven Sisters of Tottenham. Panto-opening, by T. L. Greenwood. Sadler’s Wells, December, 1858.

Old Pals, burlesque, by Lloyd Clarance. South Shields Theatre, August 7, 1884.

Oliver Grumble, by George Dance. Prince of Wales’s T., Liverpool, March 15, 1886. Novelty T., London, March 25, 1886.

Olympic Games; or, the Major, the Miner, and the Cock-a-doodle-doo, by F. C. Burnand. Olympic, April 22, 1867. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, W.

Olympic Devils; or, Orpheus and Eurydice. A mythological burlesque, by J. R. Planché. Olympic, Dec. 26, 1831. J. Bland, W. Vining, Madame Vestris.

Olympic Revels; or, Prometheus and Pandora, by J. R. Planché. Olympic, January 3, 1831. J. Cooper, Beckwith and Madame Vestris.

On the Rink; or, the Girl He left Behind Him, by F. C. Burnand. Duke’s Theatre, February 26, 1876.

Open Sesame! or a Night with the Forty Thieves.

The Orange Tree and the Humble Bee; or, the Little Princess who was Lost at Sea, burlesque by Henry J. Byron. Vaudeville, May 13, 1871.

Orlando ye Brave, and ye Fayre Rosalynde; or, “As you Lump it.” A Comycke Pastorale, by Master William Shakesydes. London, no date.

Orpheus and Eurydice; or, the Young Gentleman who charmed the Rocks, by Henry J. Byron. Strand, Dec. 26, 1863. D. James, George Honey, Marie Wilton.

Orpheus; or, the Magic Lyre, by F. C. Burnand. For Amateurs. London, S. O. Beeton, 1865.

Orpheus in the Haymarket, by J. R. Planché. Haymarket, December 26, 1865.

Othello Travestie, burlesque-burletta, by Maurice G. Dowling. Liverpool Theatre, Liverpool, March, 1834.

The Other Little Lord Fondleboy, travestie, by Frederick Bowyer. Avenue, June 18, 1888.

Our Cinderella, by R. Reece. Gaiety, Sept. 8, 1883.

Our Helen, burlesque, adapted from “La Belle Helène,” by Robert Reece. Gaiety, April 8, 1884.

Our Own Antony and Cleopatra, “an absurdity,” by F. C. Burnand. Gaiety, September 8, 1873.

Our Traviata, burlesque, by W. F. Vandervell. Surrey Theatre, September 14, 1857.

Our War Correspondent, burl., Leicester T., May 27, 1878.

Out of the Ranks, burlesque, by Robert Reece. Strand, June 3, 1884.

Oxygen; or, Gas in Burlesque Metre, by R. Reece and H. B. Farnie. Folly, March 31, 1877.

Paddy in the Moon Burlesque, by C. H. Hazlewood.

Pan; or, the Loves of Echo and Narcissus, by H. J. Byron.

Pandora’s Box, by H. J. Byron. Prince of Wales’s, December 26, 1866.

The Paphian Bower; or, Venus and Adonis. A mythological burlesque, by J. R. Planché. Olympic, Dec. 26, 1832. Benjamin Webster, W. Vining, J. Bland, Madame Vestris.

Papillonetta, by W. Brough. Prince of Wales’s Theatre, Liverpool, December 26, 1865.

Paris; or, Vive Lemprière, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, April 2, 1886. David James, Thomas Thorne, H. J. Turner, J. D. Stoyle.

Patient Penelope; or, the Return of Ulysses, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, November 25, 1863.

Paul and Virginia, burlesque, by Arthur Wood. Olympic, October 15, 1870.

Paul Clifford Burlesque, by C. H. Hazlewood.

Paw Clawdian, or, the Roman Awry, a travestie of “Claudian,” by F. C. Burnand. Toole’s, February 14, 1884. J. L. Toole, W. Cheesman, Miss Marie Linden.

The Peddler of Very Nice, a burlesque of the Trial Scene in “The Merchant of Venice.” Anonymous. Boston, U.S., Lee and Shepard, 1866.

Pentheus, an Echo of the Greek Drama, by Vincent Amcotts and W. R. Anson. Oxford, T. and G. Shrimpton, 1866.

The People’s William; or, Randy the (W) Reckless and the Grand Old Man all at Sea. Birkenhead T., May 12, 1884.

Perdita; or, the Royal Milkmaid, by W. Brough. Lyceum, September 15, 1856.

Perola; or, the Jewel and the Duel. Rotherham Theatre, March 19, 1883.

Perseus and Andromeda, burlesque, by William Brough.

Peter Wilkins, an extravagant extrav, by Gilbert A. à Beckett and Mark Lemon. Adelphi, April 13, 1846.

Peter Wilkins. Panto-opening, by E. L. Blanchard. Drury Lane, December, 1860.

Phæton; or, Pride must have a Fall, by William Brough. For Amateurs. London: S. O. Beeton, 1865.

Pickwick, dramatic Cantata, by F. C. Burnand. Comedy, February, 1889. Arthur Cecil, Rutland Barrington, Miss Lottie Venne.

Pietro Wilkini; or, the Castaways, the Wild Men, and the Winged Beauty, burlesque, by F. Eyles, Jun. Swiss Gardens, Shoreham, August 18, 1870.

Pirithous, the Son of Ixion, burl., by F. C. Burnand.

Pizarro; a Spanish Rolla-King Peruvian Drama, by C. J. Collins. Drury Lane, September 22, 1856. Mr. and Mrs. Keeley, Mrs. Frank Matthews, George Honey.

Pizarro; or, the Leotard of Peru, by Leicester Buckingham. Strand, 1862. James Rogers, J. Clarke, Misses Eleanor Bufton, and C. Saunders.

Pizarro, the Great Tyrant, burlesque, by Mr. Marchant.

Plucky Parthenia, by Robert Reece. Portsmouth, February 26, 1874.

Pluto and Proserpine; or, the Belle, and the Pomegranate, by F. Talfourd. Haymarket, April 5, 1858. Compton, Clark, Braid, Miss L. Leclercq.

Pluto; or, Little Orpheus and His Lute, by H. J. Byron. Royalty, December 26, 1881. W. J. Hill, C. Glenney, Miss Lydia Thompson.

Po-ca-hon-tas; or, the Gentle Savage, burlesque, by John Brougham. Wallack’s Theatre, New York, U.S.

Poll and Partner Joe; or, the Pride of Putney, and the Pressing Pirate, by F. C. Burnand. St. James’s, May 6, 1871. Lionel Brough, H. Cox, Mrs. John Wood.

The Pretty Druidess; or, the Mother, the Maid, and the Miseltoe Bough (founded on “Norma”), by W. S. Gilbert. Charing Cross, June 19, 1869. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.

Pretty Esmeralda and Captain Phœbus of Ours, by Henry J. Byron. Gaiety, April 2, 1879. E. Royce, Edward Terry, Misses E. Farren, C. Gilchrist, and Kate Vaughan.

Pretty Miss Pippin, by Percy Vere (Amateur).

Prince Cherry, and Princess Fair Star, by E. J. Collins. Strand, July 11, 1855.

Prince Love; or, the Fays of the Forest, by F. Vandervell. Philharmonic Theatre, December 26, 1870.

Prince Sohobazar; or, Eighteen-carat Soup, burlesque-extrav., by E. W. Bowles. Kilburn Town Hall, London, December 11, 1885.

The Princess, by W. S. Gilbert. Olympic, January 8, 1870.

Princess Ida; or, Castle Adamant. Respectful perversion of Tennyson’s “Princess,” by W. S. Gilbert. Savoy T., January 5, 1884. R. Barrington, G. Grossmith, Misses Braham and Brandram.

Princess Ouida; or, Castle Adamandeve, by H. G. F. Taylor. London: A. Hays, 1886.

Princess Primrose, by Messrs. Bellingham and Best. Olympic, June 13, 1866.

Printer’s Devil, burlesque extrav. Anonymous.

Prometheus; or, The Man on the Rock, by R. Reece.

The Proscribed Royalist; or, Who Stole the Ducks, by Frank Seymour. Opera House, Leicester, August 1, 1881.

Prospero; or, the King of the Caliban Islands. Imperial Theatre, December 26, 1883.

Pygmalion; or, the Statue Fair, by William Brough. Strand, April 20, 1867.

Puss in a new pair of Boots, by H. J. Byron. Strand, 1862.

Quasimodo, the Deformed; or, the Man with the Hump, and the Belle of Notre Dame, by H. Spry. Grecian, April 18, 1870.

Queen of Hearts, burlesque. Sanger’s Amphitheatre, Ramsgate, July 14, 1884.

The Quizziology of the British Drama, comprising stage passions, stage characters, and stage plays, by Gilbert Abbott à Beckett. London, Punch Office, 1846. With this is usually found Scenes from the Rejected Comedies. See “Scenes.”

Randolph the Reckless, extravaganza, by Victor Stevens. Salford T., August 6, 1888.

Rasselas, Prince of Abyssinia, burlesque, by W. Brough. Haymarket, December 26, 1862. Chippendale, Tilbury, Compton, Louise Keeley.

Le Raw Carotte, by G. Thorne. Margate T., Sept. 19, 1873

Raymond and Agnes Burlesque, by Mr. Marchant.

The Real Case of Hide and Seekyll, by George Grossmith. Royalty, September 3, 1888. In this Mr. Lionel Brough cleverly imitated both Mr. Mansfield & Mr. Bandmann.

The Red Rover; or, I believe you my Buoy, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, Dec. 26, 1887. Marius, Cox, Miss Lottie Venne.

The Rehearsal, as it was acted at the Theatre Royal, London, printed for Thomas Dring, 1672, by George Villiers, Duke of Buckingham. This celebrated work burlesques passages in the plays of Mrs. A. Behn, J. Dryden, Sir W. Davenant, Killigrew, and others. The history of The Rehearsal, with notes, and parallel passages has been ably written by Mr. Edward Arber in his series of valuable English Reprints. It was first acted on December 7, 1671.

The Rehearsal, an Absurdity, by Harry Dacre.

Revolt of the Workhouse, burlesque-opera, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Fitzroy Theatre, February 24, 1834.

Richard III., travestie, by J. Stirling Coyne. Adelphi, February 12, 1844. Wright, Honey, and Miss Woolgar.

Richard ye Third, by Charles Selby. Strand, Feb. 26, 1844.

Richelieu Redressed, by R. Reece. Olympic, Oct. 27, 1873.

Rienzi Reinstated; or, the Last of the Cobbler, by W. A. Allan. Globe, December 21, 1874.

The Right-Fall Heir; or, the Sea-Rover and the Fall over. By H. T. Arden, 1868.

The Right-Fellow; or, the Wrong-Fellow and the Felo d’ye see? By W. F. Marshall, R. N. School, New Cross, December 21, 1868.

Rip Van Winkle; or, Some Nambulistic Knickerbockers, by John Strachan and Henry Davis. Newcastle Theatre, April 2, 1866.

Rip Van Winkle; or, a Little Game of Nap, by F. Savile Clarke. Portsmouth Theatre, March 29, 1880.

Riquet with the Tuft, burlesque-extrav., by J. R. Planché. Olympic, Dec. 26, 1836. Charles Mathews, J. Bland, Madame Vestris, Miss R. Isaacs, Mrs. Anderson.

The Rise and Fall of Richard III.; or, a New Front to an old Dicky, a Richardsonian burlesque, by F. C. Burnand. Royalty, September 24, 1868. Dewar, Misses C. Saunders, Nellie Bromley and M. Oliver.

Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.

The Rival Rascals; or, Virtue Rewarded, and Vice Versa, by Alfred Greenland, Jun. St. George’s May 3, 1877.

The Rival Sergeants, burletta, by William Collier. Sadler’s Wells, April 5, 1847.

Robert the Devil; or, the Nun, the Dun, and the Son of a Gun, by W. S. Gilbert. Gaiety, Dec. 21, 1868. J. G. Taylor, R. Soutar, Miss E. Farren. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.

Robert Macaire; or, the Roadside Inn Turned Inside Out, by Henry J. Byron. Globe, April 16, 1870. J. Clarke, and Fanny Josephs.

Robert Macaire Renovated, by Lloyd Clarance. Barnsley Theatre, March 3, 1884.

Robert Make-Airs; or, the Two Fugitives. Ethiopian burlesque, by E. Warden. New York, 1856.

Robin Hood, burl. spectacle, by Messrs. Stocqueler, Shirley Brooks, and Charles Kenny. Lyceum, May 4, 1846.

Robin Hood. Panto-opening by E. L. Blanchard. Drury Lane, December, 1858.

Robin Hood; or, the Forester’s Fate, by F. C. Burnand. Olympic, December 26, 1862.

Robin Hood, Burlesque, by William Brough. For amateurs. London: S. O. Beeton, 1865.

Robin Hood, and the Merrie Men of Sherwood Forest, by George Thorne and F. Grove Palmer, Margate, 1889.

Robin Hood Burlesque, by C. H. Hazlewood.

Robinson Crusoe; or, Harlequin Friday and the King of the Caribbee Islands, by Henry J. Byron. Princess’s December 26, 1860.

Robinson Crusoe, burl., by H. J. Byron, Gilbert, Hood, Leigh, Sketchley, & Prowse. Haymarket, July 6, 1867.

Robinson Crusoe; burl., by H. B. Farnie. Prince’s, Manchester, October 7, 1876, Folly (London,) Nov. 11, 1876.

Robinson Crusoe Revived, by E. C. Bertrand. Dumfries Theatre, February 5, 1877.

Robinson Crusoe; or, the Pirate Will, Pretty Poll, and Captain Bill. Todmorden Theatre, October 29, 1883.

Robinson Crusoe, burl.-pantomime, by R. Reece and H. B. Farnie. Avenue, December 23, 1886. Arthur Roberts, Miss P. Broughton.

Rob Roy, burlesque, by Sydney French. Marylebone T., June 29, 1867.

Robbing Roy; or, Scotched and Kilt, by F. C. Burnand. Gaiety, November 11, 1879. Edward Terry, E. W. Royce, T. Squire, Misses E. Farren, Kate Vaughan, and C. Gilchrist.

Rob Roy, his Great Wife and Small Family. By C. H. Hazlewood.

Romeo and Juliet, “as the Law Directs,” by Maurice G. Dowling. Strand, May 1, 1837.

Romeo and Juliet Travestie; or, The Cup of Cold Pison, by Andrew Halliday. Strand, November 3, 1859. H. J. Turner, Rogers, Clarke, Misses Marie Wilton, C. Saunders.

Romeo and Juliet; or, the Shaming of the True, an atrocious outrage, by E. Nolan. Perpetrated at Oxford, by the St. John’s College Amateurs, during Commemoration, 1868. T. Shrimpton, Oxford.

Romeo the Radical, and Juliet the Jingo; or, Obstruction and Effect, by C. P. Emery. Alexandra Theatre, Walsall, August 14, 1882.

Romulus and Remus; or, Rome was not Built in a Day, a most absurdly ridiculous burlesque in one Act, being an attempt at something founded on Roman history, by T. F. Dillon Croker. Privately printed, 1859.

Romulus and Remus; or, the Two Rum-’uns, by R. Reece, Vaudeville, Dec. 23, 1872. James, Thorne, Nelly Power.

The Roof Scrambler, burlesque opera, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Victoria, June 15, 1835.

The Rosebud of Stingingnettle Farm; or, the Villainous Squire and the Virtuous Villager. A burl.-drama by H. J. Byron. R.D.C. Crystal Palace, 1862.

Round the World in W’Eighty Days, by Captain Fitz-George, Brighton Theatre, March 13, 1877.

The Rovers; or, the Double Arrangement, by George Canning, George Ellis, and John Hookham Frere. This originally appeared in “The Anti-Jacobin,” about 1798. It is a caricature of the sentimental German drama then fashionable.

The Rows of Castille, by Conway Edwardes. Brighton Theatre, March 4, 1872.

The Royal Riddle, burlesque, by Horace Mills. Woolwich Theatre (Amateurs), February 16, 1887.

Ruddy George; or, Robin Red Breast, a musical parody, by H. G. F. Taylor, and Percy Reeve. Toole’s T., March 19, 1887.

Rumfastian Innamorato, burlesque interlude. Oxberry, Harley, Knight.

Rumplestiltskin; or, the Woman at the Wheel, by F. C. Burnand.

Rumpelstiltskin! An extrav. for amateurs by M. W. Hallett

Ruy Blas Righted, by Robert Reece. Vaudeville. Jan. 3, 1874. D. James, T. Thorne, and Kate Bishop.

Ruy Blas and the Blasé Roué, by A. C. Torr & H. Clark. First performed in Birmingham, Sept. 2, 1889. Gaiety, London, Sept. 21, 1889. Fred Leslie, C. Danby, F. Storey, Miss E. Farren. In this burlesque Mr. Leslie’s caricature of Mr. Henry Irving’s appearance and mannerisms was so pronounced that the Lord Chamberlain insisted on the part being considerably modified.

St. George and the Dragon, by Gilbert A. à Beckett and Mark Lemon. Adelphi, March 24, 1845.

St. George and the Dragon, burlesque, by F. C. Burnand. Written for the A.D.C., Cambridge, and first performed Feb. 21, 1856, when the author played the “Dragon.”

St. George and the Dragon, panto-opening by E. L. Blanchard. Alexandra Palace, Dec. 1877.

St. George and the Dragon, burl. Torquay T. Aug. 6, 1883.

Salammbo, the Lovely Queen of Carthage. Holborn, May 6, 1871.

Salthello Ovini. Illegitimate tragedy. Haymarket, July 26, 1875.

Sappho; or, Look before you Leap! by F. C. Burnand. For amateurs. London, S. O. Beeton, 1865.

Sardanapalus; or, the “fast” King of Assyria, by Gilbert A. à Beckett and Mark Lemon. Adelphi, July 20, 1853.

Sardanapalus; or, the Light of Other Days, by H. Such Granville. St. George’s Hall, December 23, 1868.

Sardanapalus, burl., by H. Such Granville. Limerick Theatre, May 15, 1868.

The Scalded Back; or, Comin’ Scars, travestie of Hugh Conway and Comyns Carr’s “Called Back,” by W. Yardley. Novelty Theatre, July 12, 1884.

Scenes from the Rejected Comedies, by some of the competitors for the Prize of £500 offered by Mr. B. Webster, Lessee of the Haymarket Theatre, for the best original Comedy, illustrative of English Manners. These amusing scenes were written by Gilbert A. à Beckett, and parody passages of the plays of J. Sheridan Knowles, Douglas Jerrold, Serjeant Talfourd, J. R. Planché, E. Fitzball, Leigh Hunt, Mark Lemon, Sir E. B. Lytton, and of G. A. à Beckett himself. London, Punch office, 1844.

Seraphina the Fair, by Charles W. Laidlaw. Public Hall, Southend, December 26, 1874.

The Seven Champions of Christendom; or, Good Little St. George and the Naughty Snap dragon, by W. R. Osman. Alexandra T., August 22, 1870.

Shin Fain; or, Ourselves Alone, by Tom Telephone. Dublin. J. Duffy and Sons, 1882.

The Siege of Seringapatam; or, the Maiden of Mesopotamia, by F. C. Burnand. For the Fête in aid of the Funds of the Hospital for Incurables, 1863.

The Siege of Troy, burl., by Robert B. Brough. Lyceum, Dec. 27, 1858. J Rogers, Mrs. Keeley, Miss J. St. George.

Shylock; or, the Merchant of Venice Preserved, by F. Talfourd. Olympic, July 4, 1853. F. Robson.

Silver Guilt, burl., by W. Warham. Strand, June 9, 1883.

Sinbad; or, the Dry-land Sailor, by James Horner. Coventry Theatre, July 7, 1884.

Sinbad the Sailor; or, the “Tar” that was “Pitched” into, by Frank W. Green. Princess’s, Edinburgh, March 31, 1878.

Sindbad the Sailor, by E. L. Blanchard. Crystal Palace, Dec., 1876.

Sir George and a Dragon; or, We are Seven, burlesque, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, March 31, 1870.

Sir Marigold the Dottie; or, the Moonlight Knight, by C. F. Fuller, H.M.S. “Rainbow,” April 16, 1885.

Sir Rupert the Fearless, burl. extrav., by A. J. Seymour. Strand, April 24, 1848.

The Sleeping Beauty; Her Seven Fairy Godmothers, and a Wicked Fairy, by Charles Daly and B. Chatterton. Aldershot T., August 3, 1885.

Snow Bound, a dramatic entertainment, by George M. Baker. Contains an original burlesque on “Alonzo the Brave, and the Fair Imogene.” Boston, U.S.

Snowdrop, burlesque extravaganza, by F. C. Burnand. Royalty, November 21, 1864.

The Son of the Sun; or, the Fate of Phæton. A classical burl., by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Fitzroy T. Feb. 13, 1834.

La Sonnambula Burlesque, by C. H. Hazlewood.

The Somnambulist, a negro burlesque sketch, by H. Dacre.

La! Sonnambula! or, the Supper, the Sleeper, and the Merry Swiss Boy, by Henry J. Byron. Prince of Wales’s, April 15, 1865, the opening night of Miss Marie Wilton’s management. F. Dewar, Harry Cox, J. Clarke, Misses Marie Wilton, and Fanny Josephs.

Il Sonnambulo and Lively Little Alessio, by Henry J. Byron. Gaiety, April 6, 1878. E. Terry, E. W. Royce, W. Elton, Miss E. Farren.

The Spanish Dancers; or, Fans and Fandangoes, a Terpsichorean burl., by Charles Selby. St. James’s Oct. 18, 1854. J. L. Toole, Clarke, Misses Lydia Thompson, and E. Bufton.

The Spectre of Shooter’s Hill; or, the Broken Hot-cross Bun, by W. Sallenger. Woolwich Theatre, Oct. 20, 1888.

The Sphinx, by the Brothers Brough. Haymarket, April 9, 1849. Mr. and Mrs. Keeley, J. Bland, and Miss P. Horton.

The Sphinx; a Touch from the Ancients (a new version of the Brothers Brough’s burlesque), by Walter Boult, Prince of Wales’s, Liverpool, January 6, 1872.

The Squires Maria; or, Too, too Far from the Madding Crowd, by Harry Adams. Hanley T., July 17, 1882.

Stage-Dora; or, Who Killed Cock Robin? travestie of Sardou’s Fédora, by F. C. Burnand. Toole’s, May 26, 1883. J. L. Toole, E. D. Ward, W. Cheesman, Miss Marie Linden.

Stars and Garters, burlesque, by Robert Reece and H. B. Farnie. Folly, September 21, 1878.

The Statue Bride; an Echo of the Greek Drama, by Vincent Amcotts and W. R. Anson, Oxford.

Stranger, burlesque, by W. D. Ward (for Amateurs), 1859.

Stranger, stranger than ever; by R. Reece. Queen’s, November 4, 1868.

The Stranger Travestie. See “Rejected Addresses,” by James and Horace Smith.

Success; or, a Hit if you Like it, a Grand mock-heroical burletta, by J. R. Planché. Adelphi, Dec. 12, 1825. T. P. Cooke, Yates, Mrs. Fitzwilliam.

Such a Guy Mannering, by Mr. Strachan, Jun. Newcastle-on-Tyne Theatre, April 27, 1868.

The Tailors (or “Quadrupeds”), a Tragedy for Warm Weather, by Samuel Foote. Haymarket, 1767. This burlesque was revived at the Haymarket in 1805, on which occasion a number of London tailors created a disturbance in and around the theatre.

A Tale of Tell; or, the Pole, the Patriot, and the Pippin, by Lloyd Clarance. Darwen T., February 26, 1883.

The Talisman, burl., by J. F. M’Ardle. Liverpool T., Aug. 10, 1874, and Philharmonic, London, Mar. 29, 1875.

Taming a Tartar, burlesque, by Charles Selby. Adelphi, October 20, 1845.

Tam O’Shanter, burlesque, by W. Lowe, Opera House, Dundee, February 10, 1873.

Tantalus; or, Many a Slip ’Twixt Cup and Lip, by Arthur Matthison and Charles Wyndham. Folly, Oct. 14, 1878.

Telemachus; or, the Island of Calypso, by J. R. Planché. Olympic, December 26, 1834. J. Bland, Wyman, Madame Vestris.

Telemachus; or, the Island of Calypso, by Stirling Coyne. Adelphi, October 15, 1844.

The Tempest, the very last edition of, by A. H. O.

The O’Dora, a parody of Sardou’s Théodora, by F. C. Burnand. Toole’s July 13, 1885. J. L. Toole and Miss Mary Linden, whose imitation of Sara Bernhardt was particularly clever and comical.

Theseus and Ariadne; or, the Marriage of Bacchus. A classical extrav., by J. R. Planché. Lyceum, April 24, 1848. C. Mathews, Miss Fitzwilliam, Mdme. Vestris.

Thespis, burlesque, by W. S. Gilbert. Gaiety, J. L. Toole, Miss E. Farren.

The Three Calenders, burl., by Charles Penruddocke.

Three Graces, by G. A. à Beckett. Princess’s April 17, 1843.

The Three Musket Dears, and a Little One In, by Joseph and Harry Paulton. Strand, October 5, 1871.

Timour, the Cream of all the Tartars. Princess’s, March 24, 1845.

Timour the Tartar; or the Iron Master of Samarkand-by-Oxus, by John Oxenford and Shirley Brooks. Olympic, December 26, 1860. F. Robson, Horace Wigan.

Timour the Tartar; or, the Swell Belle of the Period, by Edward Chamberlaine. Alexandra, Dec. 27, 1869.

Tom Thumb, by Kane O’Hara. Founded on Henry Fielding’s Tragedy of Tragedies; or, the Life and Death of Tom Thumb the Great, first performed at the Haymarket in 1730. O’Hara’s adaptation was produced at the Covent Garden Theatre in 1780.

Too Late for the Train, a dramatic entertainment, containing burl. scenes. G. M. Baker & Co., Boston, U.S.

Too Lovely Black-eyed Susan, perversion of Douglas Jerrold’s drama, by Horace Lennard. Crystal Palace, April 2, 1888, and Strand Theatre, April 11, 1888. Dan Leno and Miss Fannie Leslie.

Tootsie’s Lovers, by W. T. Le Queux. Brentford Theatre, April 19, 1886.

Touch and Go, burlesque, by Walter Andrews. Prince of Wales’s Theatre, Liverpool, March 8, 1886.

The Tragedy of Tragedies; or, the Life and Death of Tom Thumb the Great, by Henry Fielding. First acted in 1730. This contains parodies of numerous passages in the Tragedies of Dryden, N. Rowe, Thompson, and other writers whose works were then popular.

Trovatore; or, Larks with a Libretto, by Henry J. Byron. Olympic, April 26, 1880. E. Terry, E. W. Royce, Misses E. Farren, C. Gilchrist, and Kate Vaughan.

Troy Again, by E. A. Bowles (Amateurs). St. George’s Hall, March 13, 1888.

Tumble-down Dick; or, Phæton in the Suds, a Dramatic Entertainment of Walking, in Serious and Foolish Characters. Interlarded with Burlesque, Grotesque, Comic Interludes, as it is performed at the New Theatre in the Hay-Market. By Henry Fielding. 1737.

Turkish Waters, a Tail of Coarse Hair; or, Medora’s Private Tear, by Rowley Hill. Written for the A.D.C., Cambridge, and first performed November 18, 1857.

“Two” Much Alike, burlesque comedietta, by G. Grossmith, Jun., and A. R. Rogers. Gallery of Illustration, February 12, 1870.

Two Gallows; or, Slaves Escaped from Brixton, a Parody. Olympic, 1823.

Ulf the Minstrel; or, the Player, the Princess, and the Prophecy, burlesque-extravaganza, by R. Reece. Royalty, May 31, 1866.

Ulysses; or, the Iron Clad Warrior, and the Little Tug of War, by F. C. Burnand. St. James’s, April 17, 1865.

Under Proof; or, Very Much Above Pa, by Edward Rose, Princess’s, Edinburgh, May 1, 1879.

Undine Undone. Halifax Theatre, April 21, 1873.

Undine, burl. Great Yarmouth Theatre, August 13, 1883.

The Ups and Downs of Deal, and Black-eyed Susan. Marylebone, June 10, 1867.

Valentine and Orson, burl.-drama, by R. Reece. Gaiety, December 23, 1882.

Valentine and Orson, burlesque, by Joseph Ellis. Brentford Theatre, November 1, 1888.

The Vampire, burl., by Robert Reece. Strand, Aug. 15, 1872.

Vanderdecken; or, The Flying Anglo-Dutchman’s Phantom Penny Steamer, by Whyte Edgar. Novelty, Dec. 9, 1885.

The Veiled Prophet of Khorassan; or, the Maniac, the Mistery, and the Malediction, by H. L. Walford. Gallery of Illustration, November 24, 1870.

Venus; or, Gods as they Were, and not as they ought to Have Been, by Edward Rose and Augustus Harris. Royalty, June 27, 1879.

Venus and Adonis, burl., by F. C. Burnand. Haymarket, March 28, 1864. Misses Nelly Moore and Louise Keeley.

The Very Last Days of Pompeii! By R. Reece. Vaudeville, February 13, 1872. David James, Thomas Thorne, Miss Nelly Power.

The Very Last Edition of the Tempest; or, the Wily Wizard, the Winsome Wench, and the Wicked Willain, by A. H. O.

The Very Latest Edition of the Gathering of the Clans, by G. W. Hunt. East London T., October 18, 1873.

The Very Latest Edition of the Lady of Lyons, by H. J. Byron. Strand, July 11, 1859. J. Rogers, J. Clarke, H. J. Turner, Misses C. Saunders, and M. Oliver.

The Very Latest Edition of Robinson Crusoe, by H. B. Farnie. Folly. Lionel Brough, Willie Edouin, Misses Lydia Thompson, and Violet Cameron.

Very Little Faust and More Mephistopheles, by F. C. Burnand. Charing Cross, August 18, 1869. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.

Very Little Hamlet, by W. Yardley. Gaiety, Nov. 29, 1884.

Vesta, burl., by H. B. Farnie. St. James’s, Feb. 9, 1871.

The Vicar of Wide-awake-field; or, the Miss-Tery-ous Uncle, burlesque of “Olivia,” by H. P. Stephens and W. Yardley. Gaiety, August 8, 1885. In this Mr. Arthur Roberts and Miss L. Linden were very successful in their burlesques of Henry Irving & Miss Ellen Terry.

La Vie, burl.-opera, by H. B. Farnie. First produced at Brighton T., September 17, 1883, Avenue T., London, Oct. 3, 1883. Founded on “La Vie Parisienne.”

Villekyns and His Dinah, by Frederick Eyles. Swiss Gardens, Shoreham, July 7, 1873.

Villikins and His Dinah, burl., by F. C. Burnand. The Amateur Dramatic Club, Cambridge, Nov. 8, 1855.

Virginius the Rum’un, by W. Rogers. Sadler’s Wells, May, 1837.

Virginius; or, the Trial of a fond Papa, by Leicester Buckingham. St. James’s, October 1, 1859.

La Vivandière, by W. S. Gilbert. Queen’s, Jan. 18, 1868.

Vortigern; an Historical Play. Represented at the T. R., Drury Lane, April 2, 1796, as a supposed newly-discovered Drama by Shakespeare. Mr. John Kemble and Mrs. Jordan. This play was a forgery written by W. H. Ireland, and was afterwards published by him, with a Preface, in which he acknowledged the imposition he had practised, and gloried in having been able to deceive some of the first scholars and ablest critics of the day.

Wattie and Meg, burl., by W. Lowe. Dundee Theatre, January 20, 1873.

Wat Tyler, M.P., burlesque, by G. A. Sala. Gaiety, December 20, 1869.

The Weeping Willow, burl., by Peter Davey, Herbert Linford, and H. S. Ram. Town Hall, Staines. May 5, 1886.

What’s it on; or, Shakespeare-ience Teaches, burl., by W. Routledge. Gallery of Illustration (Amateurs), Jan. 29, ’70