Opening
STEWART KIDD MODERN PLAYS Edited by Frank Shay
TWO SLATTERNS AND A KING
Stewart Kidd Modern Plays
Edited by FRANK SHAY
To meet the immensely increased demands of the play-reading public and those interested in the modern drama, Stewart Kidd are issuing under the general editorship of Frank Shay a series of plays from the pens of the world’s best contemporary writers. No effort is being spared to secure the best work available, and the plays are issued in a form that is at once attractive to readers and suited to the needs of the performer and producer. Buffalo Express: “Each play is of merit. Each is unlike the other. The group furnishes a striking example of the realistic trend of the modern drama.”
From time to time special announcements will be printed giving complete lists of the plays.
SHAM, a Social Satire in One Act. By Frank G. Tompkins.
Originally produced by Sam Hume, at the Arts and Crafts Theatre, Detroit.
San Francisco Bulletin: “The lines are new and many of them are decidedly clever.”
Providence Journal: “An ingenious and merry little one-act play.”
THE SHEPHERD IN THE DISTANCE, a Pantomime in One Act. By Holland Hudson.
Originally produced by the Washington Square Players.
Oakland Tribune: “A pleasing pantomime of the Ancient East.”
MANSIONS, a Play in One Act. By Hildegarde Flanner.
Originally produced by the Indiana Little Theatre Society.
Three Arts Magazine: “This thoughtful and well-written play of Characters and Ideals has become a favorite with Little Theatres and is now available in print.”
HEARTS TO MEND, a Fantasy in One Act. By H. A. Overstreet.
Originally produced by the Fireside Players, White Plains, N. Y.
St. Louis Star: “It is a light whimsy and well carried out.”
San Francisco Chronicle: “No one is likely to hear or read it without real and legitimate pleasure.”
SIX WHO PASS WHILE THE LENTILS BOIL. By Stuart Walker.
Originally produced by the Portmanteau Players at Christodora House, New York City.
Brooklyn Eagle: “Literary without being pedantic, and dramatic without being noisy.”
OTHERS TO FOLLOW. Bound in Art Paper. Each, net, .50
TWO SLATTERNS AND A KING
A MORAL INTERLUDE
By EDNA ST. VINCENT MILLAY
Author of “Aria da Capo”, etc.
First produced at Vassar College.
CINCINNATI STEWART KIDD COMPANY PUBLISHERS
COPYRIGHT, 1921 STEWART KIDD COMPANY
All rights reserved COPYRIGHT IN ENGLAND
No amateur or professional use permitted of “TWO SLATTERNS AND A KING” without written authorization first obtained from Stewart Kidd Company, 121 East Fifth Street, Cincinnati, O., to whom all applications should be addressed.
TWO SLATTERNS AND A KING
PERSONS
THE KING CHANCE the VICE TIDY the false SLATTERN SLUT the true SLATTERN
THE PROLOGUE AND THE EPILOGUE SPOKEN BY CHANCE
TWO SLATTERNS AND A KING
Prologue
I am that cunning infidel By men called CHANCE,--you know me well. It is through me you met your wives; Through me your harvest blights or thrives; And one and all, through me, to-day Hither you came to see the play, Which if your favor still you lend, As now, so on until the end, You shall be taught what way a King Though a sublime and awful thing And even wise, may come to be A laughing-stock,--and all through me!
(Exit)
(ENTER KING)
KING
I am the King of all this land: I hold a sceptre in my hand; Upon my head I wear a crown; Everybody stands when I sit down. (Sits)
CHANCE (Appearing to audience; he is invisible throughout the play to the other players in it.)
Excepting me,--please bear in mind I sit whenever I feel inclined. (Sits)
KING
Although my lands are wide and long, My walls right thick, my armies strong, I am not wholly satisfied.
CHANCE
That is because you have no bride.
KING
Who speaks?--Come forth and, if you dare, Say once again what causes my care! Why I am discontent with life!
CHANCE
It is because you have no wife.
KING
A woman in my royal house! A woman! A wife! A bride! A spouse! Bold stranger, this is not the cure, For a woman I could never endure!
CHANCE
Per-CHANCE to-morrow you will find You have altered your imperial mind.
(Exeunt KING and CHANCE severally)
(ENTER TIDY)
TIDY
I am TIDY, I have been All my life both neat and clean. From my outside to my in Clean am I unto my skin. Every day into a bucket My hands I dip, my head I duck it; And if the water plenty be I sometimes wet some more of me. This is my kitchen, where you will find All things pleasant and to your mind; Against the wall in orderly pairs-- One, two,--one, two,--observe my chairs. In the middle of the room my table stands: I would not move it for many lands. My basins and bowls are all in their places; The bottoms of my pots are as clean as your faces. My kettle boils so cheerily, It is like a friendly voice to me; About my work I merrily sing, And I brush my hearth with a white duck’s wing. Oh, full is every cupboard, sharp is every knife!-- My bright, sunny kitchen is the pride of my life!
(Exit TIDY)
(ENTER SLUT)
SLUT
I am SLUT; I am a slattern, You must not take me for your pattern. I spend my days in slovenly ease; I sleep when I like and I wake when I please. My manners, they are indolent; In clutter and filth I am quite content. Here is my kitchen, where I stir up my messes, And wear out my old shoes and soiled silk dresses. My table sags beneath the weight Of stale food and unwashed plate; The cat has tipped the pitcher o’er,-- The greasy stream drips onto the floor; Under the table is a broken cup-- I am too tired to pick it up.
(Exit SLUT)
(ENTER KING)
KING
Now I will no longer tarry For I think that I will marry. Now the one thing in my life Is to marry me a wife. But I will not be content With a wench that’s indolent, Or take a slattern for a spouse,-- I will go from house to house, Unheralded--that there may be No cleaning up because of me-- And that maid whose kitchen’s neatest Will I have to be my sweetest.
(Exit KING)
(CHANCE APPEARS)
CHANCE
That I am absent do not fear For that you have not seen me here, For know, I oft invisibly Do move among the things you see; And to confuse and thwart the King Through Slut and Tidy, is a thing Dear to my nature,--therefore heed, And you shall see a show indeed!
(Exit CHANCE)
(Enter TIDY in great disorder)
TIDY
Oh, dear, oh, dear, what shall I do? Oh, such a plight I never knew! Though I arose as is my way An hour before the break of day, Here it is noon, and nothing done; The milk has soured in the sun, And the sweet, pretty duck I broiled A neighbor’s dog has dragged and spoiled; I beat him with my hands and wept! Straight through the window then he leapt, And through the window after him, With scratchéd face and bruiséd limb, And on through mire and briar and bog Hours and hours I chased that dog, Stumbling, uttering awful cries-- While into my kitchen swarmed the flies! I came back at half-past ten! Oh, what a sight did greet me then! My fair white sheets I hung so fine Down in the black muck under the line! And out of the oven from cakes ’n’ pies ’n’ Beautiful tarts the thick smoke risin’! I knelt down my tarts to remove, And my quince jelly that stood on the stove Up did boil, and, as you see, Boiled itself all over me!-- All over the floor, all over the room,-- Whereat I ran to fetch the broom-- The broom! The broom--instead of the mop! To fetch a broom to wipe up slop! And with its handle smashed the clock’s face, Getting glass all over the place, And knocked the dishes off the shelf, And fell to my knees and cut myself, And wept and cried and when I would rise Could not see for the tears in my eyes; So tripped on a chair and, to save a fall, Caught at the table, then flat did sprawl, Dragging the table down with me, And everything on it, as well you may see! I cannot live in such a state! But where to begin is past my pate!
(Enter KING)
KING
I am the King of all these lands: Down upon your knees and hands. Wishing to marry me, I have said That the tidiest maiden I would wed In all my realm, wherefore I go From kitchen to kitchen, that I may know And judge for myself what maid is worth To sit at my side in feasting and in mirth. Untidy Spill-time, it is easy to see That my fair bride you never will be.
TIDY
Oh, great King, hear me when I say This has been a most unusual day! It is by chance alone you see In such a state my kitchen and me! I can set us both to rights in a minute!
KING
In vain! I have set a trap and caught you in it! Vain, wench, your lies and your pretense! I see what I see and I hie me hence!
(Exit KING)
(Exit TIDY, weeping)
(ENTER SLUT)
SLUT
Lest you know me not in this disguise I tell you I am SLUT, and I tell you no lies. My face and my hands are clean and neat; Fresh is my frock, trim are my feet. But I assure you you are not wrong To think that so tidy I shall not be for long. And if the story you wish from me, I will tell you how this came to be: Dull was the day and tedious my book; I saw no pleasure wherever I might look; I had done everything that I knew how to do, And I could think of nothing new. But at last I thought of one Thing that I had never done. And I said, “I will take a broom, And I will sweep this room! I will wash this floor!” I had never washed it before-- “All things in order will I arrange, Although I hate order, for it will be a change.” So here I am, as you can see-- I and my kitchen as clean as can be. But in a room as clean as this My bones ache and I find no bliss. So watch, and soon it will appear Much less orderly and drear.
(Enter KING)
KING
Down upon your knees and hands! I am the King of all these lands. Wishing to marry me, I have said That the tidiest maiden I would wed In all my realms, wherefore I go From kitchen to kitchen that I may know-- Yet stay! This kitchen is so tidy, I think that you must be my bridey! As far and wide as I have been So neat a kitchen I have not seen; Therefore I say you are my wife, For the remainder of your life.
SLUT (aside)
To point him out his error at first I intended, But least said is soonest mended.
(Exeunt KING with SLUT)
(Enter TIDY)
TIDY
Now once again with me All is as it is wont to be. Now once again you see me stand The tidiest lady in the land. If the King should see me now He would tell a different tale, I trow.
(Enter KING)
KING
Oh, lovely lady, who are you, That I am a talking to?
TIDY
She am I whom you did scorn This very day at morn.
KING
It may not be as you have said, For you would I gladly wed!
TIDY
I thank you for the favor, but They tell me you have married SLUT!
KING
Oh, cock’s bones! And strike me dead! Is it a Slut that I have wed?
(Enter SLUT dressed as at first)
SLUT
So here you dally whilst I sit at home! Never any more abroad shall you roam, But sit at home with me for the rest of your life, For I am your lawful wedded wife!
KING
Oh, woe is me, what a life will be mine!
SLUT
It is too late now to repine: Home with me you come for the rest of your life, For SLUT is your lawful wedded wife!
(Exit SLUT with KING)
TIDY
A slattern is a fearful sight,--ah, me! What pleasure it gives so tidy to be!
(Exit TIDY)
Epilogue
Now that the play is at an end, By CHANCE you have enjoyed it, friend; By CHANCE to you his sweet was gall; By CHANCE you slumbered through it all. Howe’er it be, it was by CHANCE The KING was led so merry a dance, By CHANCE that TIDY met disgrace, By CHANCE alone SLUT washed her face; From morn to eve the whole day long It was by CHANCE that things went wrong. Wherefore, good friends, t’ escape derision, Be not o’er hasty in your decision, For he who heedeth not this rule BY CHANCE HE WILL BE CALLED A FOOL!