Act II
Palace Yard, Westminster
ACT I SCENE.—An Arcadian Landscape. A river runs around the back of the stage. A rustic bridge crosses the river.
Enter Fairies, led by Leila, Celia, and Fleta. They trip around the stage, singing as they dance.
CHORUS.
Tripping hither, tripping thither, Nobody knows why or whither; We must dance and we must sing Round about our fairy ring!
SOLO—CELIA.
We are dainty little fairies, Ever singing, ever dancing; We indulge in our vagaries In a fashion most entrancing. If you ask the special function Of our never-ceasing motion, We reply, without compunction, That we haven't any notion!
CHORUS.
No, we haven't any notion! Tripping hither, etc.
SOLO—LEILA.
If you ask us how we live, Lovers all essentials give— We can ride on lovers' sighs, Warm ourselves in lovers' eyes, Bathe ourselves in lovers' tears, Clothe ourselves with lovers' fears, Arm ourselves with lovers' darts, Hide ourselves in lovers' hearts. When you know us, you'll discover That we almost live on lover!
CHORUS.
Yes, we live on lover! Tripping hither, etc. (At the end of Chorus, all sigh wearily.)
CELIA. Ah, it's all very well, but since our Queen banished Iolanthe, fairy revels have not been what they were!
LEILA. Iolanthe was the life and soul of Fairyland. Why, she wrote all our songs and arranged all our dances! We sing her songs and we trip her measures, but we don't enjoy ourselves! FLETA. To think that five-and-twenty years have elapsed since she was banished! What could she have done to have deserved so terrible a punishment? LEILA. Something awful! She married a mortal! FLETA. Oh! Is it injudicious to marry a mortal? LEILA. Injudicious? It strikes at the root of the whole fairy system! By our laws, the fairy who marries a mortal dies! CELIA. But Iolanthe didn't die!
(Enter Fairy Queen.)
QUEEN. No, because your Queen, who loved her with a surpassing love, commuted her sentence to penal servitude for life, on condition that she left her husband and never communicated with him again! LEILA. That sentence of penal servitude she is now working out, on her head, at the bottom of that stream! QUEEN. Yes, but when I banished her, I gave her all the pleasant places of the earth to dwell in. I'm sure I never intended that she should go and live at the bottom of a stream! It makes me perfectly wretched to think of the discomfort she must have undergone! LEILA. Think of the damp! And her chest was always delicate. QUEEN. And the frogs! Ugh! I never shall enjoy any peace of mind until I know why Iolanthe went to live among the frogs! FLETA. Then why not summon her and ask her? QUEEN. Why? Because if I set eyes on her I should forgive her at once! CELIA. Then why not forgive her? Twenty-five years—it's a long time! LEILA. Think how we loved her! QUEEN. Loved her? What was your love to mine? Why, she was invaluable to me! Who taught me to curl myself inside a buttercup? Iolanthe! Who taught me to swing upon a cobweb? Iolanthe! Who taught me to dive into a dewdrop—to nestle in a nutshell—to gambol upon gossamer? Iolanthe! LEILA. She certainly did surprising things! FLETA. Oh, give her back to us, great Queen, for your sake if not for ours! (All kneel in supplication.) QUEEN (irresolute). Oh, I should be strong, but I am weak! I should be marble, but I am clay! Her punishment has been heavier than I intended. I did not mean that she should live among the frogs—and—well, well, it shall be as you wish—it shall be as you wish!
INVOCATION—QUEEN.
Iolanthe! From thy dark exile thou art summoned! Come to our call— Come, come, Iolanthe!
CELIA. Iolanthe!
LEILA. Iolanthe!
ALL. Come to our call, Iolanthe! Iolanthe, come!
(Iolanthe rises from the water. She is clad in water-weeds. She approaches the Queen with head bent and arms crossed.)
IOLANTHE. With humbled breast And every hope laid low, To thy behest, Offended Queen, I bow!
QUEEN. For a dark sin against our fairy laws We sent thee into life-long banishment; But mercy holds her sway within our hearts— Rise—thou art pardoned!
IOL. Pardoned!
ALL. Pardoned!
(Her weeds fall from her, and she appears clothed as a fairy. The Queen places a diamond coronet on her head, and embraces her. The others also embrace her.)
CHORUS.
Welcome to our hearts again, Iolanthe! Iolanthe! We have shared thy bitter pain, Iolanthe! Iolanthe!
Every heart and every hand In our loving little band Welcomes thee to Fairyland, Iolanthe!
QUEEN. And now, tell me, with all the world to choose from, why on earth did you decide to live at the bottom of that stream? IOL. To be near my son, Strephon. QUEEN. Bless my heart, I didn't know you had a son. IOL. He was born soon after I left my husband by your royal command—but he does not even know of his father's existence. FLETA. How old is he? IOL. Twenty-four. LEILA. Twenty-four! No one, to look at you, would think you had a son of twenty-four! But that's one of the advantages of being immortal. We never grow old! Is he pretty? IOL. He's extremely pretty, but he's inclined to be stout. ALL (disappointed). Oh! QUEEN. I see no objection to stoutness, in moderation. CELIA. And what is he? IOL. He's an Arcadian shepherd—and he loves Phyllis, a Ward in Chancery. CELIA. A mere shepherd! and he half a fairy! IOL. He's a fairy down to the waist—but his legs are mortal. ALL. Dear me! QUEEN. I have no reason to suppose that I am more curious than other people, but I confess I should like to see a person who is a fairy down to the waist, but whose legs are mortal. IOL. Nothing easier, for here he comes!
(Enter Strephon, singing and dancing and playing on a flageolet. He does not see the Fairies, who retire up stage as he enters.)
SONG—STREPHON.
Good morrow, good mother! Good mother, good morrow! By some means or other, Pray banish your sorrow! With joy beyond telling My bosom is swelling, So join in a measure Expressive of pleasure, For I'm to be married to-day—to-day— Yes, I'm to be married to-day!
CHORUS (aside). Yes, he's to be married to-day—to-day— Yes, he's to be married to-day!
IOL. Then the Lord Chancellor has at last given his consent to your marriage with his beautiful ward, Phyllis? STREPH. Not he, indeed. To all my tearful prayers he answers me, "A shepherd lad is no fit helpmate for a Ward of Chancery." I stood in court, and there I sang him songs of Arcadee, with flageolet accompaniment—in vain. At first he seemed amused, so did the Bar; but quickly wearying of my song and pipe, bade me get out. A servile usher then, in crumpled bands and rusty bombazine, led me, still singing, into Chancery Lane! I'll go no more; I'll marry her to-day, and brave the upshot, be it what it may! (Sees Fairies.) But who are these? IOL. Oh, Strephon! rejoice with me, my Queen has pardoned me! STREPH. Pardoned you, mother? This is good news indeed. IOL. And these ladies are my beloved sisters. STREPH. Your sisters! Then they are—my aunts! QUEEN. A pleasant piece of news for your bride on her wedding day! STREPH. Hush! My bride knows nothing of my fairyhood. I dare not tell her, lest it frighten her. She thinks me mortal, and prefers me so. LEILA. Your fairyhood doesn't seem to have done you much good. STREPH. Much good! My dear aunt! it's the curse of my existence! What's the use of being half a fairy? My body can creep through a keyhole, but what's the good of that when my legs are left kicking behind? I can make myself invisible down to the waist, but that's of no use when my legs remain exposed to view! My brain is a fairy brain, but from the waist downwards I'm a gibbering idiot. My upper half is immortal, but my lower half grows older every day, and some day or other must die of old age. What's to become of my upper half when I've buried my lower half I really don't know! FAIRIES. Poor fellow! QUEEN. I see your difficulty, but with a fairy brain you should seek an intellectual sphere of action. Let me see. I've a borough or two at my disposal. Would you like to go into Parliament? IOL. A fairy Member! That would be delightful! STREPH. I'm afraid I should do no good there—you see, down to the waist, I'm a Tory of the most determined description, but my legs are a couple of confounded Radicals, and, on a division, they'd be sure to take me into the wrong lobby. You see, they're two to one, which is a strong working majority. QUEEN. Don't let that distress you; you shall be returned as a Liberal-Conservative, and your legs shall be our peculiar care. STREPH. (bowing). I see your Majesty does not do things by halves. QUEEN. No, we are fairies down to the feet.
ENSEMBLE.
QUEEN. Fare thee well, attractive stranger. FAIRIES. Fare thee well, attractive stranger. QUEEN. Shouldst thou be in doubt or danger, Peril or perplexitee, Call us, and we'll come to thee! FAIRIES. Aye! Call us, and we'll come to thee! Tripping hither, tripping thither, Nobody knows why or whither; We must now be taking wing To another fairy ring!
(Fairies and Queen trip off, Iolanthe, who takes an affectionate farewell of her son, going off last.)
(Enter Phyllis, singing and dancing, and accompanying herself on a flageolet.)
SONG—PHYLLIS.
Good morrow, good lover! Good lover, good morrow! I prithee discover, Steal, purchase, or borrow Some means of concealing The care you are feeling, And join in a measure Expressive of pleasure, For we're to be married to-day—to-day! Yes, we're to be married to-day!
BOTH. Yes, we're to be married, etc.
STREPH. (embracing her). My Phyllis! And to-day we are to be made happy for ever. PHYL. Well, we're to be married. STREPH. It's the same thing. PHYL. I suppose it is. But oh, Strephon, I tremble at the step I'm taking! I believe it's penal servitude for life to marry a Ward of Court without the Lord Chancellor's consent! I shall be of age in two years. Don't you think you could wait two years? STREPH. Two years. Have you ever looked in the glass? PHYL. No, never. STREPH. Here, look at that (showing her a pocket mirror), and tell me if you think it rational to expect me to wait two years? PHYL. (looking at herself). No. You're quite right—it's asking too much. One must be reasonable. STREPH. Besides, who knows what will happen in two years? Why, you might fall in love with the Lord Chancellor himself by that time! PHYL. Yes. He's a clean old gentleman. STREPH. As it is, half the House of Lords are sighing at your feet. PHYL. The House of Lords are certainly extremely attentive. STREPH. Attentive? I should think they were! Why did five-and-twenty Liberal Peers come down to shoot over your grass-plot last autumn? It couldn't have been the sparrows. Why did five-and-twenty Conservative Peers come down to fish your pond? Don't tell me it was the gold-fish! No, no—delays are dangerous, and if we are to marry, the sooner the better.
DUET—STREPHON and PHYLLIS.
PHYLLIS. None shall part us from each other, One in life and death are we: All in all to one another— I to thee and thou to me!
BOTH. Thou the tree and I the flower— Thou the idol; I the throng— Thou the day and I the hour— Thou the singer; I the song!
STREPH. All in all since that fond meeting When, in joy, I woke to find Mine the heart within thee beating, Mine the love that heart enshrined!
BOTH. Thou the stream and I the willow— Thou the sculptor; I the clay— Thou the Ocean; I the billow— Thou the sunrise; I the day!
(Exeunt Strephon and Phyllis together.)
(March. Enter Procession of Peers.)
CHORUS.
Loudly let the trumpet bray! Tantantara! Proudly bang the sounding brasses! Tzing! Boom! As upon its lordly way This unique procession passes, Tantantara! Tzing! Boom! Bow, bow, ye lower middle classes! Bow, bow, ye tradesmen, bow, ye masses! Blow the trumpets, bang the brasses! Tantantara! Tzing! Boom! We are peers of highest station, Paragons of legislation, Pillars of the British nation! Tantantara! Tzing! Boom!
(Enter the Lord Chancellor, followed by his train-bearer.)
SONG—LORD CHANCELLOR.
The Law is the true embodiment Of everything that's excellent. It has no kind of fault or flaw, And I, my Lords, embody the Law. The constitutional guardian I Of pretty young Wards in Chancery, All very agreeable girls—and none Are over the age of twenty-one. A pleasant occupation for A rather susceptible Chancellor!
ALL. A pleasant, etc.
But though the compliment implied Inflates me with legitimate pride, It nevertheless can't be denied That it has its inconvenient side. For I'm not so old, and not so plain, And I'm quite prepared to marry again, But there'd be the deuce to pay in the Lords If I fell in love with one of my Wards! Which rather tries my temper, for I'm such a susceptible Chancellor!
ALL. Which rather, etc.
And every one who'd marry a Ward Must come to me for my accord, And in my court I sit all day, Giving agreeable girls away, With one for him—and one for he— And one for you—and one for ye— And one for thou—and one for thee— But never, oh, never a one for me! Which is exasperating for A highly susceptible Chancellor!
ALL. Which is, etc.
(Enter Lord Tolloller.)
LORD TOLL. And now, my Lords, to the business of the day. LORD CH. By all means. Phyllis, who is a Ward of Court, has so powerfully affected your Lordships, that you have appealed to me in a body to give her to whichever one of you she may think proper to select, and a noble Lord has just gone to her cottage to request her immediate attendance. It would be idle to deny that I, myself, have the misfortune to be singularly attracted by this young person. My regard for her is rapidly undermining my constitution. Three months ago I was a stout man. I need say no more. If I could reconcile it with my duty, I should unhesitatingly award her to myself, for I can conscientiously say that I know no man who is so well fitted to render her exceptionally happy. (Peers: Hear, hear!) But such an award would be open to misconstruction, and therefore, at whatever personal inconvenience, I waive my claim. LORD TOLL. My Lord, I desire, on the part of this House, to express its sincere sympathy with your Lordship's most painful position. LORD CH. I thank your Lordships. The feelings of a Lord Chancellor who is in love with a Ward of Court are not to be envied. What is his position? Can he give his own consent to his own marriage with his own Ward? Can he marry his own Ward without his own consent? And if he marries his own Ward without his own consent, can he commit himself for contempt of his own Court? And if he commit himself for contempt of his own Court, can he appear by counsel before himself, to move for arrest of his own judgement? Ah, my Lords, it is indeed painful to have to sit upon a woolsack which is stuffed with such thorns as these!
(Enter Lord Mountararat.)
LORD MOUNT. My Lord, I have much pleasure in announcing that I have succeeded in inducing the young person to present herself at the Bar of this House.
(Enter Phyllis.)
RECITATIVE—PHYLLIS.
My well-loved Lord and Guardian dear, You summoned me, and I am here!
CHORUS OF PEERS.
Oh, rapture, how beautiful! How gentle—how dutiful!
SOLO—LORD TOLLOLLER.
Of all the young ladies I know This pretty young lady's the fairest; Her lips have the rosiest show, Her eyes are the richest and rarest. Her origin's lowly, it's true, But of birth and position I've plenty; I've grammar and spelling for two, And blood and behaviour for twenty! Her origin's lowly, it's true, I've grammar and spelling for two;
CHORUS. Of birth and position he's plenty, With blood and behaviour for twenty!
SOLO—LORD MOUNTARARAT.
Though the views of the House have diverged On every conceivable motion, All questions of Party are merged In a frenzy of love and devotion; If you ask us distinctly to say What Party we claim to belong to, We reply, without doubt or delay, The Party I'm singing this song to!
SOLO—PHYLLIS.
I'm very much pained to refuse, But I'll stick to my pipes and my tabors; I can spell all the words that I use, And my grammar's as good as my neighbours'. As for birth—I was born like the rest, My behaviour is rustic but hearty, And I know where to turn for the best, When I want a particular Party!
PHYLLIS, LORD TOLL., and LORD MOUNT.
Though her station is none of the best, I suppose she was born like the rest; And she knows where to look for her hearty, When she wants a particular Party!
RECITATIVE—PHYLLIS.
Nay, tempt me not. To rank I'll not be bound; In lowly cot Alone is virtue found!
CHORUS. No, no; indeed high rank will never hurt you, The Peerage is not destitute of virtue.
BALLAD—LORD TOLLOLLER.
Spurn not the nobly born With love affected, Nor treat with virtuous scorn The well-connected. High rank involves no shame— We boast an equal claim With him of humble name To be respected! Blue blood! blue blood! When virtuous love is sought Thy power is naught, Though dating from the Flood, Blue blood! Ah, blue blood!
CHORUS. When virtuous love is sought, etc.
Spare us the bitter pain Of stern denials, Nor with low-born disdain Augment our trials. Hearts just as pure and fair May beat in Belgrave Square As in the lowly air Of Seven Dials! Blue blood! blue blood! Of what avail art thou To serve us now? Though dating from the Flood, Blue blood! Ah, blue blood!
CHORUS. Of what avail art thou, etc.
RECITATIVE—PHYLLIS.
My Lords, it may not be. With grief my heart is riven! You waste your time on me, For ah! my heart is given!
ALL. Given! PHYL. Yes, given! ALL. Oh, horror!!!
RECITATIVE—LORD CHANCELLOR.
And who has dared to brave our high displeasure, And thus defy our definite command?
(Enter Strephon.)
STREPH. 'Tis I—young Strephon! mine this priceless treasure! Against the world I claim my darling's hand!
(Phyllis rushes to his arms.)
A shepherd I— ALL. A shepherd he! STREPH. Of Arcady- ALL. Of Arcadee! STREPH. Betrothed are we! ALL. Betrothed are they— STREPH. And mean to be- ALL. Espoused to-day!
ENSEMBLE.
STREPH. THE OTHERS.
A shepherd I A shepherd he Of Arcady, Of Arcadee, Betrothed are we, Betrothed is he, And mean to be And means to be Espoused to-day! Espoused to-day!
DUET—LORD MOUNTARARAT and LORD TOLLOLLER (aside to each other).
'Neath this blow, Worse than stab of dagger— Though we mo- Mentarily stagger, In each heart Proud are we innately— Let's depart, Dignified and stately!
ALL. Let's depart, Dignified and stately!
CHORUS OF PEERS.
Though our hearts she's badly bruising, In another suitor choosing, Let's pretend it's most amusing. Ha! ha! ha! Tan-ta-ra!
(Exeunt all the Peers, marching round stage with much dignity. Lord Chancellor separates Phyllis from Strephon and orders her off. She follows Peers. Manent Lord Chancellor and Strephon.)
LORD CH. Now, sir, what excuse have you to offer for having disobeyed an order of the Court of Chancery? STREPH. My Lord, I know no Courts of Chancery; I go by Nature's Acts of Parliament. The bees—the breeze—the seas—the rooks—the brooks—the gales—the vales—the fountains and the mountains cry, "You love this maiden—take her, we command you!" 'Tis writ in heaven by the bright barbed dart that leaps forth into lurid light from each grim thundercloud. The very rain pours forth her sad and sodden sympathy! When chorused Nature bids me take my love, shall I reply, "Nay, but a certain Chancellor forbids it"? Sir, you are England's Lord High Chancellor, but are you Chancellor of birds and trees, King of the winds and Prince of thunderclouds? LORD CH. No. It's a nice point. I don't know that I ever met it before. But my difficulty is that at present there's no evidence before the Court that chorused Nature has interested herself in the matter. STREPH. No evidence! You have my word for it. I tell you that she bade me take my love. LORD CH. Ah! but, my good sir, you mustn't tell us what she told you—it's not evidence. Now an affidavit from a thunderstorm, or a few words on oath from a heavy shower, would meet with all the attention they deserve. STREPH. And have you the heart to apply the prosaic rules of evidence to a case which bubbles over with poetical emotion? LORD CH. Distinctly. I have always kept my duty strictly before my eyes, and it is to that fact that I owe my advancement to my present distinguished position.
SONG—LORD CHANCELLOR.
When I went to the Bar as a very young man, (Said I to myself—said I), I'll work on a new and original plan, (Said I to myself—said I), I'll never assume that a rogue or a thief Is a gentleman worthy implicit belief, Because his attorney has sent me a brief, (Said I to myself—said I!).
Ere I go into court I will read my brief through (Said I to myself—said I), And I'll never take work I'm unable to do (Said I to myself-said I), My learned profession I'll never disgrace By taking a fee with a grin on my face, When I haven't been there to attend to the case (Said I to myself—said I!).
I'll never throw dust in a juryman's eyes (Said I to myself—said I), Or hoodwink a judge who is not over-wise (Said I to myself—said I), Or assume that the witnesses summoned in force In Exchequer, Queen's Bench, Common Pleas, or Divorce, Have perjured themselves as a matter of course (Said I to myself—said I!).
In other professions in which men engage (Said I to myself said I), The Army, the Navy, the Church, and the Stage (Said I to myself—said I), Professional licence, if carried too far, Your chance of promotion will certainly mar— And I fancy the rule might apply to the Bar (Said I to myself—said I!).
(Exit Lord Chancellor.)
(Enter Iolanthe)
STREPH. Oh, Phyllis, Phyllis! To be taken from you just as I was on the point of making you my own! Oh, it's too much—it's too much! IOL. (to Strephon, who is in tears). My son in tears—and on his wedding day! STREPH. My wedding day! Oh, mother, weep with me, for the Law has interposed between us, and the Lord Chancellor has separated us for ever! IOL. The Lord Chancellor! (Aside.) Oh, if he did but know! STREPH. (overhearing her). If he did but know what? IOL. No matter! The Lord Chancellor has no power over you. Remember you are half a fairy. You can defy him—down to the waist. STREPH. Yes, but from the waist downwards he can commit me to prison for years! Of what avail is it that my body is free, if my legs are working out seven years' penal servitude? IOL. True. But take heart—our Queen has promised you her special protection. I'll go to her and lay your peculiar case before her. STREPH. My beloved mother! how can I repay the debt I owe you?
FINALE—QUARTET.
(As it commences, the Peers appear at the back, advancing unseen and on tiptoe. Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller lead Phyllis between them, who listens in horror to what she hears.)
STREPH. (to Iolanthe). When darkly looms the day, And all is dull and grey, To chase the gloom away, On thee I'll call!
PHYL. (speaking aside to Lord Mountararat). What was that?
LORD MOUNT. (aside to Phyllis). I think I heard him say, That on a rainy day, To while the time away, On her he'd call!
CHORUS. We think we heard him say, etc.
(Phyllis much agitated at her lover's supposed faithlessness.)
IOL. (to Strephon). When tempests wreck thy bark, And all is drear and dark, If thou shouldst need an Ark, I'll give thee one!
PHYL. (speaking aside to Lord Tolloller). What was that?
LORD TOLL. (aside to Phyllis). I heard the minx remark, She'd meet him after dark, Inside St James's Park, And give him one!
CHORUS. We heard the minx remark, etc.
PHYL. The prospect's very bad. My heart so sore and sad Will never more be glad As summer's sun.
PHYL., IOL., LORD TOLL., STREPH. The prospect's not so bad, My/Thy heart so sore and sad May very soon be glad As summer's sun;
PHYL., IOL., LORD TOLL., STEPH., LORD MOUNT. For when the sky is dark And tempests wreck his/thy/my bark, he should If thou shouldst need an Ark, I should She'll him I'll give thee one! me
PHYL. (revealing herself). Ah!
(Iolanthe and Strephon much confused.)
PHYL. Oh, shameless one, tremble! Nay, do not endeavour Thy fault to dissemble, We part—and for ever! I worshipped him blindly, He worships another—
STREPH. Attend to me kindly, This lady's my mother!
TOLL. This lady's his what? STREPH. This lady's my mother! TENORS. This lady's his what? BASSES. He says she's his mother!
(They point derisively to Iolanthe, laughing heartily at her. She goes for protection to Strephon.)
(Enter Lord Chancellor. Iolanthe veils herself.)
LORD CH. What means this mirth unseemly, That shakes the listening earth?
LORD TOLL. The joke is good extremely, And justifies our mirth.
LORD MOUNT. This gentleman is seen, With a maid of seventeen, A-taking of his dolce far niente; And wonders he'd achieve, For he asks us to believe She's his mother—and he's nearly five-and-twenty!
LORD CH. (sternly). Recollect yourself, I pray, And be careful what you say— As the ancient Romans said, festina lente. For I really do not see How so young a girl could be The mother of a man of five-and-twenty.
ALL. Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
STREPH. My Lord, of evidence I have no dearth— She is—has been—my mother from my birth!
BALLAD.
In babyhood Upon her lap I lay, With infant food She moistened my clay; Had she withheld The succour she supplied, By hunger quelled, Your Strephon might have died!
LORD CH. (much moved). Had that refreshment been denied, Indeed our Strephon might have died!
ALL (much affected). Had that refreshment been denied, Indeed our Strephon might have died!
LORD MOUNT. But as she's not His mother, it appears, Why weep these hot Unnecessary tears? And by what laws Should we so joyously Rejoice, because Our Strephon did not die? Oh rather let us pipe our eye Because our Strephon did not die!
ALL. That's very true—let's pipe our eye Because our Strephon did not die!
(All weep. Iolanthe, who has succeeded in hiding her face from Lord Chancellor, escapes unnoticed.)
PHYL. Go, traitorous one—for ever we must part: To one of you, my Lords, I give my heart!
ALL. Oh, rapture!
STREPH. Hear me, Phyllis, ere you leave me.
PHYL. Not a word—you did deceive me.
ALL. Not a word—you did deceive her. (Exit Strephon.)
BALLAD—PHYLLIS.
For riches and rank I do not long— Their pleasures are false and vain; I gave up the love of a lordly throng For the love of a simple swain. But now that simple swain's untrue, With sorrowful heart I turn to you— A heart that's aching, Quaking, breaking, As sorrowful hearts are wont to do!
The riches and rank that you befall Are the only baits you use, So the richest and rankiest of you all My sorrowful heart shall choose. As none are so noble—none so rich As this couple of lords, I'll find a niche In my heart that's aching, Quaking, breaking, For one of you two-and I don't care which!
ENSEMBLE.
PHYL. (to Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller). To you I give my heart so rich! ALL (puzzled). To which? PHYL. I do not care! To you I yield—it is my doom! ALL. To whom? PHYL. I'm not aware! I'm yours for life if you but choose. ALL. She's whose? PHYL. That's your affair! I'll be a countess, shall I not? ALL. Of what? PHYL. I do not care! ALL. Lucky little lady! Strephon's lot is shady; Rank, it seems, is vital, "Countess" is the title, But of what I'm not aware!
(Enter Strephon.)
STREPH. Can I inactive see my fortune fade? No, no!
PEERS. Ho, ho!
STREPH. Mighty protectress, hasten to my aid!
(Enter Fairies, tripping, headed by Celia, Leila, and Fleta, and followed by Queen.)
CHORUS Tripping hither, tripping thither. OF Nobody knows why or whither; FAIRIES Why you want us we don't know, But you've summoned us, and so Enter all the little fairies To their usual tripping measure! To oblige you all our care is— Tell us, pray, what is your pleasure!
STREPH. The lady of my love has caught me talking to another— PEERS. Oh, fie! young Strephon is a rogue! STREPH. I tell her very plainly that the lady is my mother— PEERS. Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay! STREPH. She won't believe my statement, and declares we must be parted, Because on a career of double-dealing I have started, Then gives her hand to one of these, and leaves me broken-hearted— PEERS. Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay! QUEEN. Ah, cruel ones, to separate two lovers from each other! FAIRIES. Oh, fie! our Strephon's not a rogue! QUEEN. You've done him an injustice, for the lady is his mother! FAIRIES. Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay! LORD CH. That fable perhaps may serve his turn as well as any other. (Aside.) I didn't see her face, but if they fondled one another, And she's but seventeen—I don't believe it was his mother! Taradiddle, taradiddle. ALL. Tol lol lay!
LORD TOLL. I have often had a use For a thorough-bred excuse Of a sudden (which is English for "repente"), But of all I ever heard This is much the most absurd, For she's seventeen, and he is five-and-twenty!
ALL. Though she is seventeen, and he is four or five-and-twenty! Oh, fie! our Strephon is a rogue!
LORD MOUNT. Now, listen, pray to me, For this paradox will be Carried, nobody at all contradicente. Her age, upon the date Of his birth, was minus eight, If she's seventeen, and he is five-and-twenty!
PEERS and FAIRIES. If she is seventeen, and he is only five-and-twenty.
ALL. To say she is his mother is an utter bit of folly! Oh, fie! our Strephon is a rogue! Perhaps his brain is addled, and it's very melancholy! Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay! I wouldn't say a word that could be reckoned as injurious, But to find a mother younger than her son is very curious, And that's a kind of mother that is usually spurious. Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!
LORD CH. Go away, madam; I should say, madam, You display, madam, Shocking taste.
It is rude, madam, To intrude, madam, With your brood, madam, Brazen-faced!
You come here, madam, Interfere, madam, With a peer, madam. (I am one.)
You're aware, madam, What you dare, madam, So take care, madam, And begone!
ENSEMBLE
FAIRIES (to QUEEN). PEERS Let us stay, madam; Go away, madam; I should say, madam, I should say, madam, They display, madam, You display, madam, Shocking taste. Shocking taste.
It is rude, madam, It is rude, madam, To allude, madam, To intrude, madam, To your brood, madam, With your brood, madam, Brazen-faced! Brazen-faced!
We don't fear, madam, You come here, madam, Any peer, madam, Interfere, madam, Though, my dear madam, With a peer, madam, This is one. (I am one.)
They will stare, madam, You're aware, madam, When aware, madam, What you dare, madam, What they dare, madam— So take care, madam, What they've done! And begone!
QUEEN. Bearded by these puny mortals! (furious). I will launch from fairy portals All the most terrific thunders In my armoury of wonders!
PHYL. (aside). Should they launch terrific wonders, All would then repent their blunders. Surely these must be immortals. (Exit Phyllis.)
QUEEN. Oh! Chancellor unwary It's highly necessary Your tongue to teach Respectful speech— Your attitude to vary!
Your badinage so airy, Your manner arbitrary, Are out of place When face to face With an influential Fairy.
ALL THE PEERS We never knew (aside). We were talking to An influential Fairy!
LORD CH. A plague on this vagary, I'm in a nice quandary! Of hasty tone With dames unknown I ought to be more chary; It seems that she's a fairy From Andersen's library, And I took her for The proprietor Of a Ladies' Seminary!
PEERS. We took her for The proprietor Of a Ladies' Seminary!
QUEEN. When next your Houses do assemble, You may tremble!
CELIA. Our wrath, when gentlemen offend us, Is tremendous!
LEILA. They meet, who underrate our calling, Doom appalling!
QUEEN. Take down our sentence as we speak it, And he shall wreak it! (Indicating Strephon.) PEERS. Oh, spare us!
QUEEN. Henceforth, Strephon, cast away Crooks and pipes and ribbons so gay— Flocks and herds that bleat and low; Into Parliament you shall go!
ALL. Into Parliament he shall go! Backed by our supreme authority, He'll command a large majority! Into Parliament he shall go!
QUEEN. In the Parliamentary hive, Liberal or Conservative— Whig or Tory—I don't know— But into Parliament you shall go!
ALL. Into Parliament, etc.
QUEEN (speaking through music).
Every bill and every measure That may gratify his pleasure, Though your fury it arouses, Shall be passed by both your Houses!
PEERS. Oh! QUEEN. You shall sit, if he sees reason, Through the grouse and salmon season; PEERS. No! QUEEN. He shall end the cherished rights You enjoy on Friday nights: PEERS. No! QUEEN. He shall prick that annual blister, Marriage with deceased wife's sister: PEERS. Mercy! QUEEN. Titles shall ennoble, then, All the Common Councilmen: PEERS. Spare us! QUEEN. Peers shall teem in Christendom, And a Duke's exalted station Be attainable by Com- Petitive Examination!
PEERS. FAIRIES and PHYLLIS.
Oh, horror! Their horror They can't dissemble Nor hide the fear that makes them tremble!
ENSEMBLE.
PEERS FAIRIES, PHYLLIS, and STREPHON.
Young Strephon is the kind of lout With Strephon for your foe, no doubt, We do not care a fig about! A fearful prospect opens out, We cannot say And who shall say What evils may What evils may Result in consequence. Result in consequence?
But lordly vengeance will pursue A hideous vengeance will pursue All kinds of common people who All noblemen who venture to Oppose our views, Opppose his views, Or boldly choose Or boldly choose To offer us offence. To offer him offence.
He'd better fly at humbler game, 'Twill plunge them into grief and shame; Or our forbearance he must claim, His kind forbearance they must claim, If he'd escape If they'd escape In any shape In any shape A very painful wrench! A very painful wrench.
Your powers we dauntlessly pooh-pooh: Although our threats you now pooh-pooh, A dire revenge will fall on you. A dire revenge will fall on you, If you besiege Should he besiege Our high prestige— Your high prestige— (The word "prestige" is French). The word "prestige" is French).
PEERS. Our lordly style You shall not quench With base canaille! FAIRIES. (That word is French.) PEERS. Distinction ebbs Before a herd Of vulgar plebs! FAIRIES. (A Latin word.) PEERS. 'Twould fill with joy, And madness stark The hoi polloi!
FAIRIES. (A Greek remark.)
PEERS. One Latin word, one Greek remark, And one that's French.
FAIRIES. Your lordly style We'll quickly quench With base canaille! PEERS. (That word is French.) FAIRIES. Distinction ebbs Before a herd Of vulgar plebs! PEERS. (A Latin word.) FAIRIES. 'Twill fill with joy And madness stark The hoi polloi! PEERS. (A Greek remark.)
FAIRIES. One Latin word, one Greek remark, And one that's French.
PEERS. FAIRIES.
You needn't wait: We will not wait: Away you fly! We go sky-high! Your threatened hate Our threatened hate We won't defy! You won't defy!
(Fairies threaten Peers with their wands. Peers kneel as begging for merry. Phyllis implores Strephon to relent. He casts her from him, and she falls fainting into the arms of Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller.)
END OF ACT I
ACT II Scene.—Palace Yard, Westminster. Westminster Hall, L. Clock tower up, R.C. Private Willis discovered on sentry, R. Moonlight.
SONG—PRIVATE WILLIS.
When all night long a chap remains On sentry-go, to chase monotony He exercises of his brains, That is, assuming that he's got any. Though never nurtured in the lap Of luxury, yet I admonish you, I am an intellectual chap, And think of things that would astonish you. I often think it's comical—Fal, lal, la! How Nature always does contrive—Fal, lal, la! That every boy and every gal That's born into the world alive Is either a little Liberal Or else a little Conservative! Fal, lal, la!
When in that House M.P.'s divide, If they've a brain and cerebellum, too, They've got to leave that brain outside, And vote just as their leaders tell 'em to. But then the prospect of a lot Of dull M. P.'s in close proximity, All thinking for themselves, is what No man can face with equanimity. Then let's rejoice with loud Fal la—Fal lal la! That Nature always does contrive—Fal lal la! That every boy and every gal That's born into the world alive Is either a little Liberal Or else a little Conservative! Fal lal la!
(Enter Fairies, with Celia, Leila, and Fleta. They trip round stage.)
CHORUS OF FAIRIES.
Strephon's a Member of Parliament! Carries every Bill he chooses. To his measures all assent— Showing that fairies have their uses. Whigs and Tories Dim their glories, Giving an ear to all his stories— Lords and Commons are both in the blues! Strephon makes them shake in their shoes! Shake in their shoes! Shake in their shoes! Strephon makes them shake in their shoes!
(Enter Peers from Westminster Hall.)
CHORUS OF PEERS.
Strephon's a Member of Parliament! Running a-muck of all abuses. His unqualified assent Somehow nobody now refuses. Whigs and Tories Dim their glories, Giving an ear to all his stories Carrying every Bill he may wish: Here's a pretty kettle of fish! Kettle of fish! Kettle of fish! Here's a pretty kettle of fish!
(Enter Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller from Westminster Hall.)
CELIA. You seem annoyed. LORD MOUNT. Annoyed! I should think so! Why, this ridiculous protege of yours is playing the deuce with everything! To-night is the second reading of his Bill to throw the Peerage open to Competitive Examination! LORD TOLL. And he'll carry it, too! LORD MOUNT. Carry it? Of course he will! He's a Parliamentary Pickford—he carries everything! LEILA. Yes. If you please, that's our fault! LORD MOUNT. The deuce it is! CELIA. Yes; we influence the members, and compel them to vote just as he wishes them to. LEILA. It's our system. It shortens the debates. LORD TOLL. Well, but think what it all means. I don't so much mind for myself, but with a House of Peers with no grandfathers worth mentioning, the country must go to the dogs! LEILA. I suppose it must! LORD MOUNT. I don't want to say a word against brains—I've a great respect for brains—I often wish I had some myself—but with a House of Peers composed exclusively of people of intellect, what's to become of the House of Commons? LEILA. I never thought of that! LORD MOUNT. This comes of women interfering in politics. It so happens that if there is an institution in Great Britain which is not susceptible of any improvement at all, it is the House of Peers!
SONG—LORD MOUNTARARAT.
When Britain really ruled the waves— (In good Queen Bess's time) The House of Peers made no pretence To intellectual eminence, Or scholarship sublime; Yet Britain won her proudest bays In good Queen Bess's glorious days!
CHORUS. Yes, Britain won, etc.
When Wellington thrashed Bonaparte, As every child can tell, The House of Peers, throughout the war, Did nothing in particular, And did it very well: Yet Britain set the world ablaze In good King George's glorious days!
CHORUS. Yes, Britain set, etc.
And while the House of Peers withholds Its legislative hand, And noble statesmen do not itch To interfere with matters which They do not understand, As bright will shine Great Britain's rays As in King George's glorious days!
CHORUS. As bright will shine, etc.
LEILA. (who has been much attracted by the Peers during this song). Charming persons, are they not? CELIA. Distinctly. For self-contained dignity, combined with airy condescension, give me a British Representative Peer! LORD TOLL. Then pray stop this protege of yours before it's too late. Think of the mischief you're doing! LEILA (crying). But we can't stop him now. (Aside to Celia.) Aren't they lovely! (Aloud.) Oh, why did you go and defy us, you great geese!
DUET—LEILA and CELIA.
LEILA. In vain to us you plead— Don't go! Your prayers we do not heed— Don't go! It's true we sigh, But don't suppose A tearful eye Forgiveness shows. Oh, no! We're very cross indeed— Yes, very cross, Don't go!
FAIRIES. It's true we sigh, etc.
CELIA. Your disrespectful sneers— Don't go! Call forth indignant tears— Don't go! You break our laws— You are our foe: We cry because We hate you so! You know! You very wicked Peers! You wicked Peers! Don't go!
FAIRIES. LORDS MOUNT. and TOLL.
You break our laws— Our disrespectful sneers, You are our foe: Ha, ha! We cry because Call forth indignant tears, We hate you so! Ha, ha! You know! If that's the case, my dears— You very wicked Peers! FAIRIES. Don't go! Don't go! PEERS. We'll go!
(Exeunt Lord Mountararat, Lord Tolloller, and Peers. Fairies gaze wistfully after them.)
(Enter Fairy Queen.)
QUEEN. Oh, shame—shame upon you! Is this your fidelity to the laws you are bound to obey? Know ye not that it is death to marry a mortal? LEILA. Yes, but it's not death to wish to marry a mortal! FLETA. If it were, you'd have to execute us all! QUEEN. Oh, this is weakness! Subdue it! CELIA. We know it's weakness, but the weakness is so strong! LEILA. We are not all as tough as you are! QUEEN. Tough! Do you suppose that I am insensible to the effect of manly beauty? Look at that man! (Referring to Sentry.) A perfect picture! (To Sentry.) Who are you, sir? WILLIS (coming to "attention"). Private Willis, B Company, 1st Grenadier Guards. QUEEN. You're a very fine fellow, sir. WILLIS. I am generally admired. QUEEN. I can quite understand it. (To Fairies.) Now here is a man whose physical attributes are simply godlike. That man has a most extraordinary effect upon me. If I yielded to a natural impulse, I should fall down and worship that man. But I mortify this inclination; I wrestle with it, and it lies beneath my feet! That is how I treat my regard for that man!
SONG—FAIRY QUEEN.
Oh, foolish fay, Think you, because His brave array My bosom thaws, I'd disobey Our fairy laws? Because I fly In realms above, In tendency To fall in love, Resemble I The amorous dove? (Aside.) Oh, amorous dove! Type of Ovidius Naso! This heart of mine Is soft as thine, Although I dare not say so!
CHORUS. Oh, amorous dove, etc.
On fire that glows With heat intense I turn the hose Of common sense, And out it goes At small expense! We must maintain Our fairy law; That is the main On which to draw— In that we gain A Captain Shaw! (Aside.) Oh, Captain Shaw! Type of true love kept under! Could thy Brigade With cold cascade Quench my great love, I wonder!
CHORUS. Oh, Captain Shaw! etc.
(Exeunt Fairies and Fairy Queen, sorrowfully.)
(Enter Phyllis.)
PHYL. (half crying). I can't think why I'm not in better spirits. I'm engaged to two noblemen at once. That ought to be enough to make any girl happy. But I'm miserable! Don't suppose it's because I care for Strephon, for I hate him! No girl could care for a man who goes about with a mother considerably younger than himself!
(Enter Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller.)
LORD MOUNT. Phyllis! My darling! LORD TOLL. Phyllis! My own! PHYL. Don't! How dare you? Oh, but perhaps you're the two noblemen I'm engaged to? LORD MOUNT. I am one of them. LORD TOLL. I am the other. PHYL. Oh, then, my darling! (to Lord Mountararat). My own! (to Lord Tolloller). Well, have you settled which it's to be? LORD TOLL. Not altogether. It's a difficult position. It would be hardly delicate to toss up. On the whole we would rather leave it to you. PHYL. How can it possibly concern me? You are both EarIs, and you are both rich, and you are both plain. LORD MOUNT. So we are. At least I am. LORD TOLL. So am I. LORD MOUNT. No, no! LORD TOLL. I am indeed. Very plain. LORD MOUNT. Well, well—perhaps you are. PHYL. There's really nothing to choose between you. If one of you would forgo his title, and distribute his estates among his Irish tenantry, why, then, I should then see a reason for accepting the other. LORD MOUNT. Tolloller, are you prepared to make this sacrifice? LORD TOLL. No! LORD MOUNT. Not even to oblige a lady? LORD TOLL. No! not even to oblige a lady. LORD MOUNT. Then, the only question is, which of us shall give way to the other? Perhaps, on the whole, she would be happier with me. I don't know. I may be wrong. LORD TOLL. No. I don't know that you are. I really believe she would. But the awkward part of the thing is that if you rob me of the girl of my heart, we must fight, and one of us must die. It's a family tradition that I have sworn to respect. It's a painful position, for I have a very strong regard for you, George. LORD MOUNT. (much affected). My dear Thomas! LORD TOLL. You are very dear to me, George. We were boys together—at least I was. If I were to survive you, my existence would be hopelessly embittered. LORD MOUNT. Then, my dear Thomas, you must not do it. I say it again and again—if it will have this effect upon you, you must not do it. No, no. If one of us is to destroy the other, let it be me! LORD TOLL. No, no! LORD MOUNT. Ah, yes!—by our boyish friendship I implore you! LORD TOLL. (much moved). Well, well, be it so. But, no—no!—I cannot consent to an act which would crush you with unavaillng remorse. LORD MOUNT. But it would not do so. I should be very sad at first—oh, who would not be?—but it would wear off. I like you very much—but not, perhaps, as much as you like me. LORD TOLL. George, you're a noble fellow, but that tell-tale tear betrays you. No, George; you are very fond of me, and I cannot consent to give you a week's uneasiness on my account. LORD MOUNT. But, dear Thomas, it would not last a week! Remember, you lead the House of Lords! On your demise I shall take your place! Oh, Thomas, it would not last a day! PHYL. (coming down). Now, I do hope you're not going to fight about me, because it's really not worth while. LORD TOLL. (looking at her). Well, I don't believe it is! LORD MOUNT. Nor I. The sacred ties of Friendship are paramount.
QUARTET—LORD MOUNTARARAT, LORD TOLLOLLER, PHYLLIS, and PRIVATE WILLIS.
LORD TOLL. Though p'r'aps I may incur your blame, The things are few I would not do In Friendship's name!
LORD MOUNT. And I may say I think the same; Not even love Should rank above True Friendship's name!
PHYL. Then free me, pray; be mine the blame; Forget your craze And go your ways In Friendship's name!
ALL. Oh, many a man, in Friendship's name, Has yielded fortune, rank, and fame! But no one yet, in the world so wide, Has yielded up a promised bride!
WILLIS. Accept, O Friendship, all the same,
ALL. This sacrifice to thy dear name!
(Exeunt Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller, lovingly, in one direction, and Phyllis in another. Exit Sentry.)
(Enter Lord Chancellor, very miserable.)
RECITATIVE—LORD CHANCELLOR.
Love, unrequited, robs me of my rest: Love, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers: Love, nightmare-like, lies heavy on my chest, And weaves itself into my midnight slumbers!
SONG—LORD CHANCELLOR.
When you're lying awake with a dismal headache, and repose is taboo'd by anxiety, I conceive you may use any language you choose to indulge in, without impropriety; For your brain is on fire—the bedclothes conspire of usual slumber to plunder you: First your counterpane goes, and uncovers your toes, and your sheet slips demurely from under you; Then the blanketing tickles—you feel like mixed pickles—so terribly sharp is the pricking, And you're hot, and you're cross, and you tumble and toss till there's nothing 'twixt you and the ticking. Then the bedclothes all creep to the ground in a heap, and you pick 'em all up in a tangle; Next your pillow resigns and politely declines to remain at its usual angle! Well, you get some repose in the form of a doze, with hot eye-balls and head ever aching. But your slumbering teems with such horrible dreams that you'd very much better be waking; For you dream you are crossing the Channel, and tossing about in a steamer from Harwich— Which is something between a large bathing machine and a very small second-class carriage— And you're giving a treat (penny ice and cold meat) to a party of friends and relations— They're a ravenous horde—and they all came on board at Sloane Square and South Kensington Stations. And bound on that journey you find your attorney (who started that morning from Devon); He's a bit undersized, and you don't feel surprised when he tells you he's only eleven. Well, you're driving like mad with this singular lad (by the by, the ship's now a four-wheeler), And you're playing round games, and he calls you bad names when you tell him that "ties pay the dealer"; But this you can't stand, so you throw up your hand, and you find you're as cold as an icicle, In your shirt and your socks (the black silk with gold clocks), crossing Salisbury Plain on a bicycle: And he and the crew are on bicycles too—which they've somehow or other invested in— And he's telling the tars all the particulars of a company he's interested in— It's a scheme of devices, to get at low prices all goods from cough mixtures to cables (Which tickled the sailors), by treating retailers as though they were all vegetables— You get a good spadesman to plant a small tradesman (first take off his boots with a boot-tree), And his legs will take root, and his fingers will shoot, and they'll blossom and bud like a fruit-tree— From the greengrocer tree you get grapes and green pea, cauliflower, pineapple, and cranberries, While the pastrycook plant cherry brandy will grant, apple puffs, and three corners, and Banburys— The shares are a penny, and ever so many are taken by Rothschild and Baring, And just as a few are allotted to you, you awake with a shudder despairing— You're a regular wreck, with a crick in your neck, and no wonder you snore, for your head's on the floor, and you've needles and pins from your soles to your shins, and your flesh is a-creep, for your left leg's asleep, and you've cramp in your toes, and a fly on your nose, and some fluff in your lung, and a feverish tongue, and a thirst that's intense, and a general sense that you haven't been sleeping in clover; But the darkness has passed, and it's daylight at last, and the night has been long—ditto ditto my song—and thank goodness they're both of them over!
(Lord Chancellor falls exhausted on a seat.)
(Enter Lords Mountararat and Tolloller.)
LORD MOUNT. I am much distressed to see your Lordship in this condition. LORD CH. Ah, my Lords, it is seldom that a Lord Chancellor has reason to envy the position of another, but I am free to confess that I would rather be two Earls engaged to Phyllis than any other half-dozen noblemen upon the face of the globe. LORD TOLL. (without enthusiasm). Yes. It's an enviable position when you're the only one. LORD MOUNT. Oh yes, no doubt—most enviable. At the same time, seeing you thus, we naturally say to ourselves, "This is very sad. His Lordship is constitutionally as blithe as a bird—he trills upon the bench like a thing of song and gladness. His series of judgements in F sharp minor, given andante in six-eight time, are among the most remarkable effects ever produced in a Court of Chancery. He is, perhaps, the only living instance of a judge whose decrees have received the honour of a double encore. How can we bring ourselves to do that which will deprive the Court of Chancery of one of its most attractive features?" LORD CH. I feel the force of your remarks, but I am here in two capacities, and they clash, my Lords, they clash! I deeply grieve to say that in declining to entertain my last application to myself, I presumed to address myself in terms which render it impossible for me ever to apply to myself again. It was a most painful scene, my Lords—most painful! LORD TOLL. This is what it is to have two capacities! Let us be thankful that we are persons of no capacity whatever. LORD MOUNT. Come, come. Remember you are a very just and kindly old gentleman, and you need have no hesitation in approaching yourself, so that you do so respectfully and with a proper show of deference. LORD CH. Do you really think so? LORD MOUNT. I do. LORD CH. Well, I will nerve myself to another effort, and, if that fails, I resign myself to my fate!
TRIO—LORD CHANCELLOR, LORDS MOUNTARARAT and TOLLOLLER.
LORD MOUNT. If you go in You're sure to win— Yours will be the charming maidie: Be your law The ancient saw, "Faint heart never won fair lady!"
ALL. Never, never, never, Faint heart never won fair lady! Every journey has an end— When at the worst affairs will mend— Dark the dawn when day is nigh— Hustle your horse and don't say die!
LORD TOLL. He who shies At such a prize Is not worth a maravedi, Be so kind To bear in mind— Faint heart never won fair lady!
ALL. Never, never, never, Faint heart never won fair lady! While the sun shines make your hay— Where a will is, there's a way— Beard the lion in his lair— None but the brave deserve the fair!
LORD CH. I'll take heart And make a start— Though I fear the prospect's shady— Much I'd spend To gain my end— Faint heart never won fair lady!
ALL. Never, never, never, Faint heart never won fair lady! Nothing venture, nothing win— Blood is thick, but water's thin— In for a penny, in for a pound— It's Love that makes the world go round!
(Dance, and exeunt arm-in-arm together.)
(Enter Strephon, in very low spirits.)
[The following song was deleted from production]
Fold your flapping wings, Soaring legislature. Stoop to little things, Stoop to human nature. Never need to roam members patriotic. Let's begin at home, Crime is no exotic. Bitter is your bane Terrible your trials Dingy Drury Lane Soapless Seven Dials. Take a tipsy lout Gathered from the gutter, Hustle him about, Strap him to a shutter. What am I but he, Washed at hours stated. Fed on filagree, Clothed and educated He's a mark of scorn I might be another If I had been born Of a tipsy mother. Take a wretched thief, Through the city sneaking. Pocket handkerchief Ever, ever seeking. What is he but I Robbed of all my chances Picking pockets by force of circumstances I might be as bad, As unlucky, rather, If I'd only had, Fagin for a father.
STREPH. I suppose one ought to enjoy oneself in Parliament, when one leads both Parties, as I do! But I'm miserable, poor, broken-hearted fool that I am! Oh Phyllis, Phyllis!—
(Enter Phyllis.) PHYL. Yes. STREPH. (surprised). Phyllis! But I suppose I should say "My Lady." I have not yet been informed which title your ladyship has pleased to select? PHYL. I—I haven't quite decided. You see, I have no mother to advise me! STREPH. No. I have. PHYL. Yes; a young mother. STREPH. Not very—a couple of centuries or so. PHYL. Oh! She wears well. STREPH. She does. She's a fairy. PHYL. I beg your pardon—a what? STREPH. Oh, I've no longer any reason to conceal the fact—she's a fairy. PHYL. A fairy! Well, but—that would account for a good many things! Then—I suppose you're a fairy? STREPH. I'm half a fairy. PHYL. Which half? STREPH. The upper half—down to the waistcoat. PHYL. Dear me! (Prodding him with her fingers.) There is nothing to show it! STREPH. Don't do that. PHYL. But why didn't you tell me this before? STREPH. I thought you would take a dislike to me. But as it's all off, you may as well know the truth—I'm only half a mortal! PHYL. (crying). But I'd rather have half a mortal I do love, than half a dozen I don't! STREPH. Oh, I think not—go to your half-dozen. PHYL. (crying). It's only two! and I hate 'em! Please forgive me! STREPH. I don't think I ought to. Besides, all sorts of difficulties will arise. You know, my grandmother looks quite as young as my mother. So do all my aunts. PHYL. I quite understand. Whenever I see you kissing a very young lady, I shall know it's an elderly relative. STREPH. You will? Then, Phyllis, I think we shall be very happy! (Embracing her.) PHYL. We won't wait long. STREPH. No. We might change our minds. We'll get married first. PHYL. And change our minds afterwards? STREPH. That's the usual course.
DUET—STREPHON and PHYLLIS.
STREPH. If we're weak enough to tarry Ere we marry, You and I, Of the feeling I inspire You may tire By and by. For peers with flowing coffers Press their offers— That is why I am sure we should not tarry Ere we marry, You and I!
PHYL. If we're weak enough to tarry Ere we marry, You and I, With a more attractive maiden, Jewel-laden, You may fly. If by chance we should be parted, Broken-hearted I should die— So I think we will not tarry Ere we marry, You and I.
PHYL. But does your mother know you're—I mean, is she aware of our engagement?
(Enter Iolanthe.)
IOL. She is; and thus she welcomes her daughter-in-law! (Kisses her.) PHYL. She kisses just like other people! But the Lord Chancellor? STREPH. I forgot him! Mother, none can resist your fairy eloquence; you will go to him and plead for us? IOL. (much agitated). No, no; impossible! STREPH. But our happiness—our very lives—depend upon our obtaining his consent! PHYL. Oh, madam, you cannot refuse to do this! IOL. You know not what you ask! The Lord Chancellor is—my husband! STREPH. and PHYL. Your husband! IOL. My husband and your father! (Addressing Strephon, who is much moved.) PHYLL. Then our course is plain; on his learning that Strephon is his son, all objection to our marriage will be at once removed! IOL. No; he must never know! He believes me to have died childless, and, dearly as I love him, I am bound, under penalty of death, not to undeceive him. But see—he comes! Quick—my veil!
(Iolanthe veils herself. Strephon and Phyllis go off on tiptoe.)
(Enter Lord Chancellor.)
LORD CH. Victory! Victory! Success has crowned my efforts, and I may consider myself engaged to Phyllis! At first I wouldn't hear of it—it was out of the question. But I took heart. I pointed out to myself that I was no stranger to myself; that, in point of fact, I had been personally acquainted with myself for some years. This had its effect. I admitted that I had watched my professional advancement with considerable interest, and I handsomely added that I yielded to no one in admiration for my private and professional virtues. This was a great point gained. I then endeavoured to work upon my feelings. Conceive my joy when I distinctly perceived a tear glistening in my own eye! Eventually, after a severe struggle with myself, I reluctantly—most reluctantly—consented.
(Iolanthe comes down veiled.)
RECITATIVE—IOLANTHE (kneeling).
My lord, a suppliant at your feet I kneel, Oh, listen to a mother's fond appeal! Hear me to-night! I come in urgent need— 'Tis for my son, young Strephon, that I plead!
BALLAD—IOLANTHE.
He loves! If in the bygone years Thine eyes have ever shed Tears—bitter, unavailing tears, For one untimely dead— If, in the eventide of life, Sad thoughts of her arise, Then let the memory of thy wife Plead for my boy—he dies!
He dies! If fondly laid aside In some old cabinet, Memorials of thy long-dead bride Lie, dearly treasured yet, Then let her hallowed bridal dress— Her little dainty gloves— Her withered flowers—her faded tress— Plead for my boy—he loves!
(The Lord Chancellor is moved by this appeal. After a pause.)
LORD CH. It may not be—for so the fates decide! Learn thou that Phyllis is my promised bride. IOL. (in horror). Thy bride! No! no! LORD CH. It shall be so! Those who would separate us woe betide!
IOL. My doom thy lips have spoken— I plead in vain!
CHORUS OF FAIRIES (without). Forbear! forbear!
IOL. A vow already broken I break again!
CHORUS OF FAIRIES (without). Forbear! forbear!
IOL. For him—for her—for thee I yield my life. Behold—it may not be! I am thy wife.
CHORUS OF FAIRIES (without). Aiaiah! Aiaiah! Willaloo!
LORD CH. (recognizing her). Iolanthe! thou livest?
IOL. Aye! I live! Now let me die!
(Enter Fairy Queen and Fairies. Iolanthe kneels to her.)
QUEEN. Once again thy vows are broken: Thou thyself thy doom hast spoken!
CHORUS OF FAIRIES. Aiaiah! Aiaiah! Willahalah! Willaloo! Willahalah! Willaloo!
QUEEN. Bow thy head to Destiny: Death thy doom, and thou shalt die!
CHORUS OF FAIRIES. Aiaiah! Aiaiah! etc.
(Peers and Sentry enter. The Queen raises her spear.)
LEILA. Hold! If Iolanthe must die, so must we all; for, as she has sinned, so have we! QUEEN. What? CELIA. We are all fairy duchesses, marchionesses, countesses, viscountesses, and baronesses. LORD MOUNT. It's our fault. They couldn't help themselves. QUEEN. It seems they have helped themselves, and pretty freely, too! (After a pause.) You have all incurred death; but I can't slaughter the whole company! And yet (unfolding a scroll) the law is clear—every fairy must die who marries a mortal! LORD CH. Allow me, as an old Equity draftsman, to make a suggestion. The subtleties of the legal mind are equal to the emergency. The thing is really quite simple—the insertion of a single word will do it. Let it stand that every fairy shall die who doesn't marry a mortal, and there you are, out of your difficulty at once! QUEEN. We like your humour. Very well! (Altering the MS. in pencil.) Private Willis! SENTRY (coming forward). Ma'am! QUEEN. To save my life, it is necessary that I marry at once. How should you like to be a fairy guardsman? SENTRY. Well, ma'am, I don't think much of the British soldier who wouldn't ill-convenience himself to save a female in distress. QUEEN. You are a brave fellow. You're a fairy from this moment. (Wings spring from Sentry's shoulders.) And you, my Lords, how say you, will you join our ranks?
(Fairies kneel to Peers and implore them to do so.)
(Phyllis and Strephon enter.)
LORD MOUNT. (to Lord Tolloller). Well, now that the Peers are to be recruited entirely from persons of intelligence, I really don't see what use we are, down here, do you, Tolloller? LORD TOLL. None whatever. QUEEN. Good! (Wings spring from shoulders of Peers.) Then away we go to Fairyland.
FINALE.
PHYL. Soon as we may, Off and away! We'll commence our journey airy— Happy are we— As you can see, Every one is now a fairy!
ALL. Every, every, every, Every one is now a fairy!
IOL., QUEEN, Though as a general rule we know and PHYL. Two strings go to every bow, Make up your minds that grief 'twill bring If you've two beaux to every string.
ALL. Though as a general rule, etc.
LORDCH. Up in the sky, Ever so high, Pleasures come in endless series; We will arrange Happy exchange— House of Peers for House of Peris!
ALL. Peris, Peris, Peris, House of Peers for House of Peris!
LORDS CH., Up in the air, sky-high, sky-high, MOUNT., Free from Wards in Chancery, and TOLL. I/He will be surely happier, for I'm/He's such a susceptible Chancellor.
ALL. Up in the air, etc.
CURTAIN
THE MIKADO OR
THE TOWN OF TITIPU
By William S. Gilbert
Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan DRAMATIS PERSONAE. THE MIKADO OF JAPAN. NANKI-POO (his Son, disguised as a wandering minstrel, and in love with Yum-Yum). KO-KO (Lord High Executioner of Titipu). POOH-BAH (Lord High Everything Else). PISH-TISH (a Noble Lord). Three Sisters—Wards of Ko-Ko: YUM-YUM PITTI-SING PEEP-BO KATISHA (an elderly Lady, in love with Nanki-Poo). Chorus of School-girls, Nobles, Guards, and Coolies. ACT I.—Courtyard of Ko-Ko's Official Residence. ACT II.— Ko-Ko's Garden
First produced at the Savoy Theatre on March 14, 1885.
ACT I. SCENE.—Courtyard of Ko-Ko's Palace in Titipu. Japanese nobles discovered standing and sitting in attitudes suggested by native drawings.
CHORUS OF NOBLES.
If you want to know who we are, We are gentlemen of Japan: On many a vase and jar— On many a screen and fan, We figure in lively paint: Our attitude's queer and quaint— You're wrong if you think it ain't, oh!
If you think we are worked by strings, Like a Japanese marionette, You don't understand these things: It is simply Court etiquette. Perhaps you suppose this throng Can't keep it up all day long? If that's your idea, you're wrong, oh!
Enter Nanki-Poo in great excitement. He carries a native guitar on his back and a bundle of ballads in his hand.
RECIT.—NANKI-POO.
Gentlemen, I pray you tell me Where a gentle maiden dwelleth, Named Yum-Yum, the ward of Ko-Ko? In pity speak, oh speak I pray you!
A NOBLE. Why, who are you who ask this question? NANK. Come gather round me, and I'll tell you.
SONG and CHORUS—NANKI-POO.
A wandering minstrel I— A thing of shreds and patches, Of ballads, songs and snatches, And dreamy lullaby!
My catalogue is long, Through every passion ranging, And to your humours changing I tune my supple song!
Are you in sentimental mood? I'll sigh with you, Oh, sorrow, sorrow! On maiden's coldness do you brood? I'll do so, too— Oh, sorrow, sorrow! I'll charm your willing ears With songs of lovers' fears, While sympathetic tears My cheeks bedew— Oh, sorrow, sorrow!
But if patriotic sentiment is wanted, I've patriotic ballads cut and dried; For where'er our country's banner may be planted, All other local banners are defied! Our warriors, in serried ranks assembled, Never quail—or they conceal it if they do— And I shouldn't be surprised if nations trembled Before the mighty troops of Titipu!
CHORUS. We shouldn't be surprised, etc.
NANK. And if you call for a song of the sea, We'll heave the capstan round, With a yeo heave ho, for the wind is free, Her anchor's a-trip and her helm's a-lee, Hurrah for the homeward bound!
CHORUS. Yeo-ho—heave ho— Hurrah for the homeward bound!
To lay aloft in a howling breeze May tickle a landsman's taste, But the happiest hour a sailor sees Is when he's down At an inland town, With his Nancy on his knees, yeo ho! And his arm around her waist!
CHORUS. Then man the capstan—off we go, As the fiddler swings us round, With a yeo heave ho, And a rum below, Hurrah for the homeward bound!
A wandering minstrel I, etc.
Enter Pish-Tush.
PISH. And what may be your business with Yum-Yum? NANK. I'll tell you. A year ago I was a member of the Titipu town band. It was my duty to take the cap round for contributions. While discharging this delicate office, I saw Yum-Yum. We loved each other at once, but she was betrothed to her guardian Ko-Ko, a cheap tailor, and I saw that my suit was hopeless. Overwhelmed with despair, I quitted the town. Judge of my delight when I heard, a month ago, that Ko-Ko had been con- demned to death for flirting! I hurried back at once, in the hope of finding Yum-Yum at liberty to listen to my protestations. PISH. It is true that Ko-Ko was condemned to death for flirting, but he was reprieved at the last moment, and raised to the exalted rank of Lord High Executioner under the following remarkable circumstances:
SONG—PISH-TUSH and CHORUS.
Our great Mikado, virtuous man, When he to rule our land began, Resolved to try A plan whereby Young men might best be steadied.
So he decreed, in words succinct, That all who flirted, leered or winked (Unless connubially linked), Should forthwith be beheaded.
And I expect you'll all agree That he was right to so decree. And I am right, And you are right, And all is right as right can be!
CHORUS. And you are right. And we are right, etc
This stem decree, you'll understand, Caused great dismay throughout the land! For young and old And shy and bold Were equally affected. The youth who winked a roving eye, Or breathed a non-connubial sigh, Was thereupon condemned to die— He usually objected.
And you'll allow, as I expect, That he was right to so object. And I am right, And you are right, And everything is quite correct!
CHORUS. And you are right, And we are right, etc.
And so we straight let out on bail A convict from the county jail, Whose head was next On some pretext Condemned to be mown off, And made him Headsman, for we said, "Who's next to be decapited Cannot cut off another's head Until he's cut his own off."
And we are right, I think you'll say, To argue in this kind of way; And I am right, And you are right, And all is right—too-looral-lay!
CHORUS. And you are right, And we are right, etc.
[Exeunt Chorus.
Enter Pooh-Bah.
NANK. Ko-Ko, the cheap tailor, Lord High Executioner of Titipu! Why, that's the highest rank a citizen can attain! POOH. It is. Our logical Mikado, seeing no moral difference between the dignified judge who condemns a criminal to die, and the industrious mechanic who carries out the sentence, has rolled the two offices into one, and every judge is now his own executioner. NANK. But how good of you (for I see that you are a nobleman of the highest rank) to condescend to tell all this to me, a mere strolling minstrel! POOH. Don't mention it. I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. But I struggle hard to overcome this defect. I mortify my pride continually. When all the great officers of State resigned in a body because they were too proud to serve under an ex-tailor, did I not unhesitatingly accept all their posts at once? PISH. And the salaries attached to them? You did. POOH. It is consequently my degrading duty to serve this upstart as First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chief Justice, Commander-in-Chief, Lord High Admiral, Master of the Buckhounds, Groom of the Back Stairs, Archbishop of Titipu, and Lord Mayor, both acting and elect, all rolled into one. And at a salary! A Pooh-Bah paid for his services! I a salaried minion! But I do it! It revolts me, but I do it! NANK. And it does you credit. POOH. But I don't stop at that. I go and dine with middle-class people on reasonable terms. I dance at cheap suburban parties for a moderate fee. I accept refreshment at any hands, however lowly. I also retail State secrets at a very low figure. For instance, any further information about Yum-Yum would come under the head of a State secret. (Nanki-Poo takes his hint, and gives him money.) (Aside.) Another insult and, I think, a light one!
SONG—POOH-BAH with NANKI-POO and PISH-TUSH.
Young man, despair, Likewise go to, Yum-Yum the fair You must not woo. It will not do: I'm sorry for you, You very imperfect ablutioner! This very day From school Yum-Yum Will wend her way, And homeward come, With beat of drum And a rum-tum-tum, To wed the Lord High executioner! And the brass will crash, And the trumpets bray, And they'll cut a dash On their wedding day. She'll toddle away, as all aver, With the Lord High Executioner '
NANK. and POOH. And the brass will crash, etc.
It's a hopeless case, As you may see, And in your place Away I'd flee; But don't blame me— I'm sorry to be Of your pleasure a diminutioner. They'll vow their pact Extremely soon, In point of fact This afternoon. Her honeymoon With that buffoon At seven commences, so you shun her!
ALL. And the brass will crash, etc. [Exit Pish-Tush.
RECIT.—NANKI-POO and POOH-BAH.
NANK. And I have journeyed for a month, or nearly, To learn that Yum-Yum, whom I love so dearly, This day to Ko-Ko is to be united! POOH. The fact appears to be as you've recited: But here he comes, equipped as suits his station; He'll give you any further information. [Exeunt Pooh-Bah and Nanki-Poo.
Enter Chorus of Nobles.
Behold the Lord High Executioner A personage of noble rank and title— A dignified and potent officer, Whose functions are particularly vital! Defer, defer, To the Lord High Executioner!
Enter Ko-Ko attended.
SOLO—KO-KO.
Taken from the county jail By a set of curious chances; Liberated then on bail, On my own recognizances; Wafted by a favouring gale As one sometimes is in trances, To a height that few can scale, Save by long and weary dances; Surely, never had a male Under such like circumstances So adventurous a tale, Which may rank with most romances.
CHORUS. Defer, defer, To the Lord High Executioner, etc.
KO. Gentlemen, I'm much touched by this reception. I can only trust that by strict attention to duty I shall ensure a continuance of those favours which it will ever be my study to deserve. If I should ever be called upon to act professionally, I am happy to think that there will be no difficulty in finding plenty of people whose loss will be a distinct gain to society at large.
SONG—KO-KO with CHORUS OF MEN.
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found, I've got a little list—I've got a little list Of society offenders who might well be underground, And who never would be missed—who never would be missed! There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs— All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs— All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat— All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that— And all third persons who on spoiling tte—ttes insist— They'd none of 'em be missed—they'd none of 'em be missed!
CHORUS. He's got 'em on the list—he's got 'em on the list; And they'll none of 'em be missed—they'll none of 'em be missed. There's the banjo serenader, and the others of his race, And the piano-organist—I've got him on the list! And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face, They never would be missed—they never would be missed! Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone, All centuries but this, and every country but his own; And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy, And who "doesn't think she waltzes, but would rather like to try"; And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist— I don't think she'd be missed—I'm sure she'd not he missed!
CHORUS. He's got her on the list—he's got her on the list; And I don't think she'll be missed—I'm sure she'll not be missed!
And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife, The Judicial humorist—I've got him on the list! All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life— They'd none of 'em be missed—they'd none of 'em be missed. And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind, Such as—What d'ye call him—Thing'em-bob, and likewise—Never-mind, And 'St—'st—'st—and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who— The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you. But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list, For they'd none of 'em be missed—they'd none of 'em be missed!
CHORUS. You may put 'em on the list—you may put 'em on the list; And they'll none of 'em be missed—they'll none of 'em be missed!
Enter Pooh-Bah.
KO. Pooh-Bah, it seems that the festivities in connection with my approaching marriage must last a week. I should like to do it handsomely, and I want to consult you as to the amount I ought to spend upon them. POOH. Certainly. In which of my capacities? As First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chamberlain, Attorney General, Chancellor of the Exchequer, Privy Purse, or Private Secretary? KO. Suppose we say as Private Secretary. POOH. Speaking as your Private Secretary, I should say that, as the city will have to pay for it, don't stint yourself, do it well. KO. Exactly—as the city will have to pay for it. That is your advice. POOH. As Private Secretary. Of course you will understand that, as Chancellor of the Exchequer, I am bound to see that due economy is observed. KO. Oh! But you said just now "Don't stint yourself, do it well". POOH. As Private Secretary. KO. And now you say that due economy must be observed. POOH. As Chancellor of the Exchequer. KO. I see. Come over here, where the Chancellor can't hear us. (They cross the stage.) Now, as my Solicitor, how do you advise me to deal with this difficulty? POOH. Oh, as your Solicitor, I should have no hesitation in saying "Chance it——" KO. Thank you. (Shaking his hand.) I will. POOH. If it were not that, as Lord Chief Justice, I am bound to see that the law isn't violated. KO. I see. Come over here where the Chief Justice can't hear us. (They cross the stage.) Now, then, as First Lord of the Treasury? POOH. Of course, as First Lord of the Treasury, I could propose a special vote that would cover all expenses, if it were not that, as Leader of the Opposition, it would be my duty to resist it, tooth and nail. Or, as Paymaster General, I could so cook the accounts that, as Lord High Auditor, I should never discover the fraud. But then, as Archbishop of Titipu, it would be my duty to denounce my dishonesty and give myself into my own custody as first Commissioner of Police. KO. That's extremely awkward. POOH. I don't say that all these distinguished people couldn't be squared; but it is right to tell you that they wouldn't be sufficiently degraded in their own estimation unless they were insulted with a very considerable bribe. KO. The matter shall have my careful consideration. But my bride and her sisters approach, and any little compliment on your part, such as an abject grovel in a characteristic Japanese attitude, would be esteemed a favour. POOH. No money, no grovel! [Exeunt together.
Enter procession of Yum-Yum's schoolfellows, heralding Yum-Yum, Peep-Bo, and Pitti-Sing.
CHORUS OF GIRLS.
Comes a train of little ladies From scholastic trammels free, Each a little bit afraid is, Wondering what the world can be!
Is it but a world of trouble— Sadness set to song? Is its beauty but a bubble Bound to break ere long?
Are its palaces and pleasures Fantasies that fade? And the glory of its treasures Shadow of a shade?
Schoolgirls we, eighteen and under, From scholastic trammels free, And we wonder—how we wonder!— What on earth the world can be!
TRIO.
YUM-YUM, PEEP-BO, and PITTI-SING, with CHORUS OF GIRLS.
THE THREE. Three little maids from school are we, Pert as a school-girl well can be, Filled to the brim with girlish glee, Three little maids from school! YUM-YUM. Everything is a source of fun. (Chuckle.) PEEP-BO. Nobody's safe, for we care for none! (Chuckle.) PITTI-SING. Life is a joke that's just begun! (Chuckle.) THE THREE. Three little maids from school! ALL (dancing). Three little maids who, all unwary, Come from a ladies' seminary, Freed from its genius tutelary— THE THREE (suddenly demure). Three little maids from school!
YUM-YUM. One little maid is a bride, Yum-Yum— PEEP-BO. Two little maids in attendance come— PITTI-SING. Three little maids is the total sum. THE THREE. Three little maids from school! YUM-YUM. From three little maids take one away. PEEP-BO. Two little maids remain, and they— PITTI-SING. Won't have to wait very long, they say— THE THREE. Three little maids from school! ALL (dancing). Three little maids who, all unwary, Come from a ladies' seminary, Freed from its genius tutelary— THE THREE (suddenly demure). Three little maids from school!
Enter Ko-Ko and Pooh-Bah.
KO. At last, my bride that is to be! (About to embrace her.) YUM. You're not going to kiss me before all these people? KO. Well, that was the idea. YUM (aside to Peep-Bo). It seems odd, doesn't it? PEEP. It's rather peculiar. PITTI. Oh, I expect it's all right. Must have a beginning, you know. YUM. Well, of course I know nothing about these things; but I've no objection if it's usual. KO. Oh, it's quite usual, I think. Eh, Lord Chamberlain? (Appealing to Pooh-Bah.) POOH. I have known it done. (Ko-Ko embraces her.) YUM. Thank goodness that's over! (Sees Nanki-Poo, and rushes to him.) Why, that's never you? (The three Girls rush to him and shake his hands, all speaking at once.) YUM. Oh, I'm so glad! I haven't seen you for ever so long, and I'm right at the top of the school, and I've got three prizes, and I've come home for good, and I'm not going back any more! PEEP. And have you got an engagement?—Yum-Yum's got one, but she doesn't like it, and she'd ever so much rather it was you! I've come home for good, and I'm not going back any more! PITTI. Now tell us all the news, because you go about everywhere, and we've been at school, but, thank goodness, that's all over now, and we've come home for good, and we're not going back any more!
(These three speeches are spoken together in one breath.)
KO. I beg your pardon. Will you present me? YUM. Oh, this is the musician who used— PEEP. Oh, this is the gentleman-who used— PITTI. Oh, it is only Nanki-Poo who used— KO. One at a time, if you please. YUM. Oh, if you please he's the gentleman who used to play so beautifully on the—on the— PITTI. On the Marine Parade. YUM. Yes, I think that was the name of the instrument. NANK. Sir, I have the misfortune to love your ward, Yum-Yum—oh, I know I deserve your anger! KO. Anger! not a bit, my boy. Why, I love her myself. Charming little girl, isn't she? Pretty eyes, nice hair. Taking little thing, altogether. Very glad to hear my opinion backed by a competent authority. Thank you very much. Good-bye. (To Pish-Tush.) Take him away. (Pish-Tush removes him.) PITTI (who has been examining Pooh-Bah). I beg your pardon, but what is this? Customer come to try on? KO. That is a Tremendous Swell. PITTI. Oh, it's alive. (She starts back in alarm.) POOH. Go away, little girls. Can't talk to little girls like you. Go away, there's dears. KO. Allow me to present you, Pooh-Bah. These are my three wards. The one in the middle is my bride elect. POOH. What do you want me to do to them? Mind, I will not kiss them. KO. No, no, you shan't kiss them; a little bow—a mere nothing—you needn't mean it, you know. POOH. It goes against the grain. They are not young ladies, they are young persons. KO. Come, come, make an effort, there's a good nobleman. POOH. (aside to Ko-Ko). Well, I shan't mean it. (with a great effort.) How de do, little girls, how de do? (Aside.) Oh, my protoplasmal ancestor! KO. That's very good. (Girls indulge in suppressed laughter.) POOH. I see nothing to laugh at. It is very painful to me to have to say "How de do, little girls, how de do?" to young persons. I'm not in the habit of saying "How de do, little girls, how de do?" to anybody under the rank of a Stockbroker. KO. (aside to girls). Don't laugh at him, he can't help it—he's under treatment for it. (Aside to Pooh-Bah.) Never mind them, they don't understand the delicacy of your position. POOH. We know how delicate it is, don't we? KO. I should think we did! How a nobleman of your importance can do it at all is a thing I never can, never shall understand. [Ko-Ko retires and goes off.
QUARTET AND CHORUS OF GIRLS.
YUM-YUM, PEEP-BO, PITTI-SING, and POOH-BAH.
YUM, PEEP. So please you, Sir, we much regret and PITTI. If we have failed in etiquette Towards a man of rank so high— We shall know better by and by. YUM. But youth, of course, must have its fling, So pardon us, So pardon us, PITTI. And don't, in girlhood's happy spring, Be hard on us, Be hard on us, If we're inclined to dance and sing. Tra la la, etc. (Dancing.) CHORUS OF GIRLS. But youth, of course, etc. POOH. I think you ought to recollect You cannot show too much respect Towards the highly titled few; But nobody does, and why should you? That youth at us should have its fling, Is hard on us, Is hard on us; To our prerogative we cling— So pardon us, So pardon us, If we decline to dance and sing. Tra la la, etc. (Dancing.) CHORUS OF GIRLS.. But youth, of course, must have its fling, etc.
[Exeunt all but Yum-Yum.
Enter Nanki-Poo.
NANK. Yum-Yum, at last we are alone! I have sought you night and day for three weeks, in the belief that your guardian was beheaded, and I find that you are about to be married to him this afternoon! YUM. Alas, yes! NANK. But you do not love him? YUM. Alas, no! NANK. Modified rapture! But why do you not refuse him? YUM. What good would that do? He's my guardian, and he wouldn't let me marry you! NANK. But I would wait until you were of age! YUM. You forget that in Japan girls do not arrive at years of discretion until they are fifty. NANK. True; from seventeen to forty-nine are considered years of indiscretion. YUM. Besides—a wandering minstrel, who plays a wind instrument outside tea-houses, is hardly a fitting husband for the ward of a Lord High Executioner. NANK. But—— (Aside.) Shall I tell her? Yes! She will not betray me! (Aloud.) What if it should prove that, after all, I am no musician? YUM. There! I was certain of it, directly I heard you play! NANK. What if it should prove that I am no other than the son of his Majesty the Mikado? YUM. The son of the Mikado! But why is your Highness disguised? And what has your Highness done? And will your Highness promise never to do it again? NANK. Some years ago I had the misfortune to captivate Katisha, an elderly lady of my father's Court. She misconstrued my customary affability into expressions of affection, and claimed me in marriage, under my father's law. My father, the Lucius Junius Brutus of his race, ordered me to marry her within a week, or perish ignominiously on the scaffold. That night I fled his Court, and, assuming the disguise of a Second Trombone, I joined the band in which you found me when I had the happiness of seeing you! (Approaching her.) YUM. (retreating). If you please, I think your Highness had better not come too near. The laws against flirting are excessively severe. NANK. But we are quite alone, and nobody can see us. YUM. Still, that don't make it right. To flirt is capital. NANK. It is capital! YUM. And we must obey the law. NANK. Deuce take the law! YUM. I wish it would, but it won't! NANK. If it were not for that, how happy we might be! YUM. Happy indeed! NANK. If it were not for the law, we should now be sitting side by side, like that. (Sits by her.) YUM. Instead of being obliged to sit half a mile off, like that. (Crosses and sits at other side of stage.) NANK. We should be gazing into each other's eyes, like that. (Gazing at her sentimentally.) YUM. Breathing sighs of unutterable love—like that. (Sighing and gazing lovingly at him.) NANK. With our arms round each other's waists, like that. (Embracing her.) YUM. Yes, if it wasn't for the law. NANK. If it wasn't for the law. YUM. As it is, of course we couldn't do anything of the kind. NANK. Not for worlds! YUM. Being engaged to Ko-Ko, you know! NANK. Being engaged to Ko-Ko!
DUET—YUM-YUM and NANKI-POO.
NANK. Were you not to Ko-Ko plighted, I would say in tender tone, "Loved one, let us be united— Let us be each other's own!" I would merge all rank and station, Worldly sneers are nought to us, And, to mark my admiration, I would kiss you fondly thus— (Kisses her.) BOTH. I/He would kiss you/me fondly thus— (Kiss.) YUM. But as I'm engaged to Ko-Ko, To embrace you thus, con fuoco, Would distinctly be no giuoco, And for yam I should get toko—
BOTH. Toko, toko, toko, toko!
NANK. So, In spite of all temptation, Such a theme I'll not discuss, And on no consideration Will I kiss you fondly thus— (Kissing her.) Let me make it clear to you, This is what I'll never do! This, oh, this, oh, this, oh, this,—(Kissing her.)
TOGETHER. This, oh, this, etc.
[Exeunt in opposite directions.
Enter Ko-Ko.
KO. (looking after Yum-Yum). There she goes! To think how entirely my future happiness is wrapped up in that little parcel! Really, it hardly seems worth while! Oh, matrimony!— (Enter Pooh-Bah and Pish-Tush.) Now then, what is it? Can't you see I'm soliloquizing? You have interrupted an apostrophe, sir! PISH. I am the bearer of a letter from his Majesty the Mikado. KO. (taking it from him reverentially). A letter from the Mikado! What in the world can he have to say to me? (Reads letter.) Ah, here it is at last! I thought it would come sooner or later! The Mikado is struck by the fact that no executions have taken place in Titipu for a year, and decrees that unless somebody is beheaded within one month the post of Lord High Executioner shall be abolished, and the city reduced to the rank of a village! PISH. But that will involve us all in irretrievable ruin! KO. Yes. There is no help for it, I shall have to execute somebody at once. The only question is, who shall it be? POOH. Well, it seems unkind to say so, but as you're already under sentence of death for flirting, everything seems to point to you. KO. To me? What are you talking about? I can't execute myself. POOH. Why not? KO. Why not? Because, in the first place, self decapitation is an extremely difficult, not to say dangerous, thing to attempt; and, in the second, it's suicide, and suicide is a capital offence. POOH. That is so, no doubt. PISH. We might reserve that point. POOH. True, it could be argued six months hence, before the full Court. KO. Besides, I don't see how a man can cut off his own head. POOH. A man might try. PISH. Even if you only succeeded in cutting it half off, that would be something. POOH. It would be taken as an earnest of your desire to comply with the Imperial will. KO. No. Pardon me, but there I am adamant. As official Headsman, my reputation is at stake, and I can't consent to embark on a professional operation unless I see my way to a successful result. POOH. This professional conscientiousness is highly creditable to you, but it places us in a very awkward position. KO. My good sir, the awkwardness of your position is grace itself compared with that of a man engaged in the act of cutting off his own head. PISH. I am afraid that, unless you can obtain a substitute —— KO. A substitute? Oh, certainly—nothing easier. (To Pooh-Bah.) Pooh-Bah, I appoint you Lord High Substitute. POOH. I should be delighted. Such an appointment would realize my fondest dreams. But no, at any sacrifice, I must set bounds to my insatiable ambition!
TRIO
Ko-Ko Pooh-Bah Pish-Tush
My brain it teams I am so proud, I heard one day With endless schemes If I allowed A gentleman say Both good and new My family pride That criminals who For Titipu; To be my guide, Are cut in two But if I flit, I'd volunteer Can hardly feel The benefit To quit this sphere The fatal steel, That I'd diffuse Instead of you And so are slain The town would lose! In a minute or two, Without much pain. Now every man But family pride If this is true, To aid his clan Must be denied, It's jolly for you; Should plot and plan And set aside, Your courage screw As best he can, And mortified. To bid us adieu, And so, And so, And go Although Although And show I'm ready to go, I wish to go, Both friend and foe Yet recollect And greatly pine How much you dare. 'Twere disrespect To brightly shine, I'm quite aware Did I neglect And take the line It's your affair, To thus effect Of a hero fine, Yet I declare This aim direct, With grief condign I'd take your share, So I object— I must decline— But I don't much care— So I object— I must decline— I don't much care— So I object— I must decline— I don't much care— ALL. To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock, In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock, Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock, From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block! [Exeunt Pooh. and Pish.
KO. This is simply appalling! I, who allowed myself to be respited at the last moment, simply in order to benefit my native town, am now required to die within a month, and that by a man whom I have loaded with honours! Is this public gratitude? Is this—- (Enter Nanki-Poo, with a rope in his hands.) Go away, sir! How dare you? Am I never to be permitted to soliloquize? NANK. Oh, go on—don't mind me. KO. What are you going to do with that rope? NANK. I am about to terminate an unendurabIe existence. KO. Terminate your existence? Oh, nonsense! What for? NANK. Because you are going to marry the girl I adore. KO. Nonsense, sir. I won't permit it. I am a humane man, and if you attempt anything of the kind I shall order your instant arrest. Come, sir, desist at once or I summon my guard. NANK. That's absurd. If you attempt to raise an alarm, I instantly perform the Happy Despatch with this dagger. KO. No, no, don't do that. This is horrible! (Suddenly.) Why, you cold-blooded scoundrel, are you aware that, in taking your life, you are committing a crime which—which—which is—— Oh! (Struck by an idea.) Substitute! NANK. What's the matter? KO. Is it absolutely certain that you are resolved to die? NANK. Absolutely! KO. Will nothing shake your resolution? NANK. Nothing. KO. Threats, entreaties, prayers—all useless? NANK. All! My mind is made up. KO. Then, if you really mean what you say, and if you are absolutely resolved to die, and if nothing whatever will shake your determination—don't spoil yourself by committing suicide, but be beheaded handsomely at the hands of the Public Executioner! NANK. I don't see how that would benefit me. KO. You don't? Observe: you'll have a month to live, and you'll live like a fighting-cock at my expense. When the day comes there'll be a grand public ceremonial—you'll be the central figure—no one will attempt to deprive you of that distinction. There'll be a procession—bands—dead march—bells tolling—all the girls in tears—Yum-Yum distracted—then, when it's all over, general rejoicings, and a display of fireworks in the evening. You won't see them, but they'll be there all the same. NANK. Do you think Yum-Yum would really be distracted at my death? KO. I am convinced of it. Bless you, she's the most tender-hearted little creature alive. NANK. I should be sorry to cause her pain. Perhaps, after all, if I were to withdraw from Japan, and travel in Europe for a couple of years, I might contrive to forget her. KO. Oh, I don't think you could forget Yum-Yum so easily; and, after all, what is more miserable than a love-blighted life? NANK. True. KO. Life without Yum-Yum—why, it seems absurd! NANK. And yet there are a good many people in the world who have to endure it. KO. Poor devils, yes! You are quite right not to be of their number. NANK. (suddenly). I won't be of their number! KO. Noble fellow! NANK. I'll tell you how we'll manage it. Let me marry Yum-Yum to-morrow, and in a month you may behead me. KO. No, no. I draw the line at Yum-Yum. NANK. Very good. If you can draw the line, so can I. (Preparing rope.) KO. Stop, stop—listen one moment—be reasonable. How can I consent to your marrying Yum-Yum if I'm going to marry her myself? NANK. My good friend, she'll be a widow in a month, and you can marry her then. KO. That's true, of course. I quite see that. But, dear me! my position during the next month will be most unpleasant—most unpleasant. NANK. Not half so unpleasant as my position at the end of it. KO. But—dear me!—well—I agree—after all, it's only putting off my wedding for a month. But you won't prejudice her against me, will you? You see, I've educated her to be my wife; she's been taught to regard me as a wise and good man. Now I shouldn't like her views on that point disturbed. NANK. Trust me, she shall never learn the truth from me.
FINALE.
Enter Chorus, Pooh-Bah, and Pish-Tush.
CHORUS.
With aspect stern And gloomy stride, We come to learn How you decide.
Don't hesitate Your choice to name, A dreadful fate You'll suffer all the same.
POOH. To ask you what you mean to do we punctually appear. KO. Congratulate me, gentlemen, I've found a Volunteer! ALL. The Japanese equivalent for Hear, Hear, Hear! KO. (presenting him). 'Tis Nanki-Poo! ALL. Hail, Nanki-Poo! KO. I think he'll do? ALL. Yes, yes, he'll do!
KO. He yields his life if I'll Yum-Yum surrender. Now I adore that girl with passion tender, And could not yield her with a ready will, Or her allot, If I did not Adore myself with passion tenderer still!
Enter Yum-Yum, Peep-Bo, and Pitti-Sing.
ALL. Ah, yes! He loves himself with passion tenderer still! KO. (to Nanki-Poo). Take her—she's yours!
[Exit Ko-Ko
ENSEMBLE.
NANKI-POO. The threatened cloud has passed away, YUM-YUM. And brightly shines the dawning day; NANKI-POO. What though the night may come too soon, YUM-YUM. There's yet a month of afternoon!
NANKI-POO, POOH-BAH, YUM-YUM, PITTI-SING, and PEEP-BO.
Then let the throng Our joy advance, With laughing song And merry dance,
CHORUS. With joyous shout and ringing cheer, Inaugurate our brief career!
PITTI-SING. A day, a week, a month, a year— YUM. Or far or near, or far or near, POOH. Life's eventime comes much too soon, PITTI-SING. You'll live at least a honeymoon!
ALL. Then let the throng, etc.
CHORUS. With joyous shout, etc.
SOLO—POOH-BAH.
As in a month you've got to die, If Ko-Ko tells us true, 'Twere empty compliment to cry "Long life to Nanki-Poo!" But as one month you have to live As fellow-citizen, This toast with three times three we'll give— "Long life to you—till then!"
[Exit Pooh-Bah.
CHORUS. May all good fortune prosper you, May you have health and riches too, May you succeed in all you do! Long life to you—till then!
(Dance.)
Enter Katisha melodramatically
KAT. Your revels cease! Assist me, all of you! CHORUS. Why, who is this whose evil eyes Rain blight on our festivities? KAT. I claim my perjured lover, Nanki-Poo! Oh, fool! to shun delights that never cloy! CHORUS. Go, leave thy deadly work undone! KAT. Come back, oh, shallow fool! come back to joy! CHORUS. Away, away! ill-favoured one!
NANK. (aside to Yum-Yum). Ah! 'Tis Katisha! The maid of whom I told you. (About to go.)
KAT. (detaining him). No! You shall not go, These arms shall thus enfold you!
SONG—KATISHA.
KAT. (addressing Nanki-Poo). Oh fool, that fleest My hallowed joys! Oh blind, that seest No equipoise! Oh rash, that judgest From half, the whole! Oh base, that grudgest Love's lightest dole! Thy heart unbind, Oh fool, oh blind! Give me my place, Oh rash, oh base!
CHORUS. If she's thy bride, restore her place, Oh fool, oh blind, oh rash, oh base!
KAT. (addressing Yum-Yum). Pink cheek, that rulest Where wisdom serves! Bright eye, that foolest Heroic nerves! Rose lip, that scornest Lore-laden years! Smooth tongue, that warnest Who rightly hears! Thy doom is nigh. Pink cheek, bright eye! Thy knell is rung, Rose lip, smooth tongue!
CHORUS. If true her tale, thy knell is rung, Pink cheek, bright eye, rose lip, smooth tongue!
PITTI-SING. Away, nor prosecute your quest— From our intention, well expressed, You cannot turn us! The state of your connubial views Towards the person you accuse Does not concern us! For he's going to marry Yum-Yum— ALL. Yum-Yum! PITTI. Your anger pray bury, For all will be merry, I think you had better succumb— ALL. Cumb—cumb! PITTI. And join our expressions of glee. On this subject I pray you be dumb— ALL. Dumb—dumb. PITTI. You'll find there are many Who'll wed for a penny— The word for your guidance is "Mum"— ALL. Mum—mum! PITTI. There's lots of good fish in the sea!
ALL. On this subject we pray you be dumb, etc.
SOLO—KATISHA.
The hour of gladness Is dead and gone; In silent sadness I live alone! The hope I cherished All lifeless lies, And all has perished Save love, which never dies! Oh, faithless one, this insult you shall rue! In vain for mercy on your knees you'll sue. I'll tear the mask from your disguising!
NANK. (aside). Now comes the blow! KAT. Prepare yourselves for news surprising! NANK. (aside). How foil my foe? KAT. No minstrel he, despite bravado! YUM. (aside, struck by an idea). Ha! ha! I know! KAT. He is the son of your——
(Nanki-Poo, Yum-Yum, and Chorus, interrupting, sing Japanese words, to drown her voice.)
O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to! KAT. In vain you interrupt with this tornado! He is the only son of your—— ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to! KAT. I'll spoil—— ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to! KAT. Your gay gambado! He is the son—— ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to! KAT. Of your—— ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to! KAT. The son of your—— ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to! oya! oya!
ENSEMBLE. KATISHA. THE OTHERS.
Ye torrents roar! We'll hear no more, Ye tempests howl! Ill-omened owl. Your wrath outpour To joy we soar, With angry growl! Despite your scowl! Do ye your worst, my vengeance The echoes of our festival call Shall rise triumphant over all! Shall rise triumphant over all! Prepare for woe, Away you go, Ye haughty lords, Collect your hordes; At once I go Proclaim your woe Mikado-wards, In dismal chords My wrongs with vengeance shall We do not heed their dismal be crowned! sound My wrongs with vengeance shall For joy reigns everywhere be crowned! around.
(Katisha rushes furiously up stage, clearing the crowd away right and left, finishing on steps at the back of stage.)
END OF ACT I.
II. SCENE.—Ko-Ko's Garden
Yum-Yum discovered seated at her bridal toilet, surrounded by maidens, who are dressing her hair and painting her face and lips, as she judges of the effect in a mirror.
SOLO—PITTI-SING and CHORUS OF GIRLS.
CHORUS. Braid the raven hair— Weave the supple tress— Deck the maiden fair In her loveliness— Paint the pretty face— Dye the coral lip— Emphasize the grace Of her ladyship! Art and nature, thus allied, Go to make a pretty bride.
SOLO—PITTI-SING.
Sit with downcast eye Let it brim with dew— Try if you can cry— We will do so, too. When you're summoned, start Like a frightened roe— Flutter, little heart, Colour, come and go! Modesty at marriage-tide Well becomes a pretty bride!
CHORUS.
Braid the raven hair, etc.
[Exeunt Pitti-Sing, Peep-Bo, and Chorus.
YUM. Yes, I am indeed beautiful! Sometimes I sit and wonder, in my artless Japanese way, why it is that I am so much more attractive than anybody else in the whole world. Can this be vanity? No! Nature is lovely and rejoices in her loveliness. I am a child of Nature, and take after my mother.
SONG—YUM-YUM.
The sun, whose rays Are all ablaze With ever-living glory, Does not deny His majesty— He scorns to tell a story! He don't exclaim, "I blush for shame, So kindly be indulgent." But, fierce and bold, In fiery gold, He glories effulgent!
I mean to rule the earth, As he the sky— We really know our worth, The sun and I!
Observe his flame, That placid dame, The moon's Celestial Highness; There's not a trace Upon her face Of diffidence or shyness: She borrows light That, through the night, Mankind may all acclaim her! And, truth to tell, She lights up well, So I, for one, don't blame her!
Ah, pray make no mistake, We are not shy; We're very wide awake, The moon and I!
Enter Pitti-Sing and Peep-Bo.
YUM. Yes, everything seems to smile upon me. I am to be married to-day to the man I love best and I believe I am the very happiest girl in Japan! PEEP. The happiest girl indeed, for she is indeed to be envied who has attained happiness in all but perfection. YUM. In "all but" perfection? PEEP. Well, dear, it can't be denied that the fact that your husband is to be beheaded in a month is, in its way, a drawback. It does seem to take the top off it, you know. PITTI. I don't know about that. It all depends! PEEP. At all events, he will find it a drawback. PITTI. Not necessarily. Bless you, it all depends! YUM. (in tears). I think it very indelicate of you to refer to such a subject on such a day. If my married happiness is to be—to be— PEEP. Cut short. YUM. Well, cut short—in a month, can't you let me forget it? (Weeping.)
Enter Nanki-Poo, followed by Go-To.
NANK. Yum-Yum in tears—and on her wedding morn! YUM. (sobbing). They've been reminding me that in a month you're to be beheaded! (Bursts into tears.) PITTI. Yes, we've been reminding her that you're to be beheaded. (Bursts into tears.) PEEP. It's quite true, you know, you are to be beheaded! (Bursts into tears.) NANK. (aside). Humph! Now, some bridegrooms would be depressed by this sort of thing! (Aloud.) A month? Well, what's a month? Bah! These divisions of time are purely arbitrary. Who says twenty-four hours make a day? PITTI. There's a popular impression to that effect. NANK. Then we'll efface it. We'll call each second a minute—each minute an hour—each hour a day—and each day a year. At that rate we've about thirty years of married happiness before us! PEEP. And, at that rate, this interview has already lasted four hours and three-quarters! [Exit Peep-Bo. YUM. (still sobbing). Yes. How time flies when one is thoroughly enjoying oneself! NANK. That's the way to look at it! Don't let's be downhearted! There's a silver lining to every cloud. YUM. Certainly. Let's—let's be perfectly happy! (Almost in tears.) GO-TO. By all means. Let's—let's thoroughly enjoy ourselves. PITTI. It's—it's absurd to cry! (Trying to force a laugh.) YUM. Quite ridiculous! (Trying to laugh.)
(All break into a forced and melancholy laugh.)
MADRIGAL.
YUM-YUM, PITTI-SING, NANKI-POO, and PISH-TUSH
Brightly dawns our wedding day; Joyous hour, we give thee greeting! Whither, whither art thou fleeting? Fickle moment, prithee stay! What though mortal joys be hollow? Pleasures come, if sorrows follow: Though the tocsin sound, ere long, Ding dong! Ding dong! Yet until the shadows fall Over one and over all, Sing a merry madrigal— A madrigal!
Fal-la—fal-la! etc. (Ending in tears.)
Let us dry the ready tear, Though the hours are surely creeping Little need for woeful weeping, Till the sad sundown is near. All must sip the cup of sorrow— I to-day and thou to-morrow; This the close of every song— Ding dong! Ding dong! What, though solemn shadows fall, Sooner, later, over all? Sing a merry madrigal— A madrigal!
Fal-la—fal-la! etc. (Ending in tears.)
[Exeunt Pitti-Sing and Pish-Tush.
(Nanki-Poo embraces Yum-Yum. Enter Ko-Ko. Nanki-Poo releases Yum-Yum.)
KO. Go on—don't mind me. NANK. I'm afraid we're distressing you. KO. Never mind, I must get used to it. Only please do it by degrees. Begin by putting your arm round her waist. (Nanki-Poo does so.) There; let me get used to that first. YUM. Oh, wouldn't you like to retire? It must pain you to see us so affectionate together! KO. No, I must learn to bear it! Now oblige me by allowing her head to rest on your shoulder. NANK. Like that? (He does so. Ko-Ko much affected.) KO. I am much obliged to you. Now—kiss her! (He does so. Ko-Ko writhes with anguish.) Thank you—it's simple torture! YUM. Come, come, bear up. After all, it's only for a month. KO. No. It's no use deluding oneself with false hopes. NANK. and YUM. What do you mean? KO. (to Yum-Yum). My child—my poor child! (Aside.) How shall I break it to her? (Aloud.) My little bride that was to have been? YUM. (delighted). Was to have been? KO. Yes, you never can be mine! NANK. and YUM. (simultaneously, in ecstacy) What!/I'm so glad! KO. I've just ascertained that, by the Mikado's law, when a married man is beheaded his wife is buried alive. NANK. and YUM. Buried alive! KO. Buried alive. It's a most unpleasant death. NANK. But whom did you get that from? KO. Oh, from Pooh-Bah. He's my Solicitor. YUM. But he may be mistaken! KO. So I thought; so I consulted the Attorney General, the Lord Chief Justice, the Master of the Rolls, the Judge Ordinary, and the Lord Chancellor. They're all of the same opinion. Never knew such unanimity on a point of law in my life! NANK. But stop a bit! This law has never been put in force. KO. Not yet. You see, flirting is the only crime punishable with decapitation, and married men never flirt. NANK. Of course, they don't. I quite forgot that! Well, I suppose I may take it that my dream of happiness is at an end! YUM. Darling—I don't want to appear selfish, and I love you with all my heart—I don't suppose I shall ever love anybody else half as much—but when I agreed to marry you—my own—I had no idea—pet—that I should have to be buried alive in a month! NANK. Nor I! It's the very first I've heard of it! YUM. It—it makes a difference, doesn't it? NANK. It does make a difference, of course. YUM. You see—burial alive—it's such a stuffy death! NANK. I call it a beast of a death. YUM. You see my difficulty, don't you? NANK. Yes, and I see my own. If I insist on your carrying out your promise, I doom you to a hideous death; if I release you, you marry Ko-Ko at once!
TRIO.—YUM-YUM, NANKI-POO, and KO-KO.
YUM. Here's a how-de-do! If I marry you, When your time has come to perish, Then the maiden whom you cherish Must be slaughtered, too! Here's a how-de-do!
NANK. Here's a pretty mess! In a month, or less, I must die without a wedding! Let the bitter tears I'm shedding Witness my distress, Here's a pretty mess!
KO. Here's a state of things To her life she clings! Matrimonial devotion Doesn't seem to suit her notion— Burial it brings! Here's a state of things!
ENSEMBLE
YUM-YUM and NANKI-POO. KO-KO.
With a passion that's intense With a passion that's intense I worship and adore, You worship and adore, But the laws of common sense But the laws of common sense We oughtn't to ignore. You oughtn't to ignore. If what he says is true, If what I say is true, 'Tis death to marry you! 'Tis death to marry you! Here's a pretty state of things! Here's a pretty state of things! Here's a pretty how-de-do! Here's a pretty how-de-do!
[Exit Yum-Yum.
KO. (going up to Nanki-Poo). My poor boy, I'm really very sorry for you. NANK. Thanks, old fellow. I'm sure you are. KO. You see I'm quite helpless. NANK. I quite see that. KO. I can't conceive anything more distressing than to have one's marriage broken off at the last moment. But you shan't be disappointed of a wedding—you shall come to mine. NANK. It's awfully kind of you, but that's impossible. KO. Why so? NANK. To-day I die. KO. What do you mean? NANK. I can't live without Yum-Yum. This afternoon I perform the Happy Despatch. KO. No, no—pardon me—I can't allow that. NANK. Why not? KO. Why, hang it all, you're under contract to die by the hand of the Public Executioner in a month's time! If you kill yourself, what's to become of me? Why, I shall have to be executed in your place! NANK. It would certainly seem so!
Enter Pooh-Bah.
KO. Now then, Lord Mayor, what is it? POOH. The Mikado and his suite are approaching the city, and will be here in ten minutes. KO. The Mikado! He's coming to see whether his orders have been carried out! (To Nanki-Poo.) Now look here, you know—this is getting serious—a bargain's a bargain, and you really mustn't frustrate the ends of justice by committing suicide. As a man of honour and a gentleman, you are bound to die ignominiously by the hands of the Public Executioner. NANK. Very well, then—behead me. KO. What, now? NANK. Certainly; at once. POOH. Chop it off! Chop it off! KO. My good sir, I don't go about prepared to execute gentlemen at a moment's notice. Why, I never even killed a blue-bottle! POOH. Still, as Lord High Executioner—— KO. My good sir, as Lord High Executioner, I've got to behead him in a month. I'm not ready yet. I don't know how it's done. I'm going to take lessons. I mean to begin with a guinea pig, and work my way through the animal kingdom till I come to a Second Trombone. Why, you don't suppose that, as a humane man, I'd have accepted the post of Lord High Executioner if I hadn't thought the duties were purely nominal? I can't kill you—I can't kill anything! I can't kill anybody! (Weeps.) NANK. Come, my poor fellow, we all have unpleasant duties to discharge at times; after all, what is it? If I don't mind, why should you? Remember, sooner or later it must be done. KO. (springing up suddenly). Must it? I'm not so sure about that! NANK. What do you mean? KO. Why should I kill you when making an affidavit that you've been executed will do just as well? Here are plenty of witnesses—the Lord Chief Justice, Lord High Admiral, Commander-in-Chief, Secretary of State for the Home Department, First Lord of the Treasury, and Chief Commissioner of Police. NANK. But where are they? KO. There they are. They'll all swear to it—won't you? (To Pooh-Bah.) POOH. Am I to understand that all of us high Officers of State are required to perjure ourselves to ensure your safety? KO. Why not! You'll be grossly insulted, as usual. POOH. Will the insult be cash down, or at a date? KO. It will be a ready-money transaction. POOH. (Aside.) Well, it will be a useful discipline. (Aloud.) Very good. Choose your fiction, and I'll endorse it! (Aside.) Ha! ha! Family Pride, how do you like that, my buck? NANK. But I tell you that life without Yum-Yum—— KO. Oh, Yum-Yum, Yum-Yum! Bother Yum-Yum! Here, Commissionaire (to Pooh-Bah), go and fetch Yum-Yum. (Exit Pooh-Bah.) Take Yum-Yum and marry Yum-Yum, only go away and never come back again. (Enter Pooh-Bah with Yum-Yum.) Here she is. Yum-Yum, are you particularly busy? YUM. Not particularly. KO. You've five minutes to spare? YUM. Yes. KO. Then go along with his Grace the Archbishop of Titipu; he'll marry you at once. YUM. But if I'm to be buried alive? KO. Now, don't ask any questions, but do as I tell you, and Nanki-Poo will explain all. NANK. But one moment—— KO. Not for worlds. Here comes the Mikado, no doubt to ascertain whether I've obeyed his decree, and if he finds you alive I shall have the greatest difficulty in persuading him that I've beheaded you. (Exeunt Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum, followed by Pooh-Bah.) Close thing that, for here he comes!
[Exit Ko-Ko.
March.—Enter procession, heralding Mikado, with Katisha.
Entrance of Mikado and Katisha.
("March of the Mikado's troops.")
CHORUS. Miya sama, miya sama, On n'm-ma no maye ni Pira-Pira suru no wa Nan gia na Toko tonyare tonyare na?
DUET—MIKADO and KATISHA.
MIK. From every kind of man Obedience I expect; I'm the Emperor of Japan—
KAT. And I'm his daughter-in-law elect! He'll marry his son (He's only got one) To his daughter-in-law elect!
MIK. My morals have been declared Particularly correct;
KAT. But they're nothing at all, compared With those of his daughter-in-law elect! Bow—Bow— To his daughter-in-law elect!
ALL. Bow—Bow— To his daughter-in-law elect.
MIK. In a fatherly kind of way I govern each tribe and sect, All cheerfully own my sway—
KAT. Except his daughter-in-law elect! As tough as a bone, With a will of her own, Is his daughter-in-law elect!
MIK. My nature is love and light— My freedom from all defect—
KAT. Is insignificant quite, Compared with his daughter-in-law elect! Bow—Bow— To his daughter-in-law elect!
ALL. Bow—Bow— To his daughter-in-law elect!
SONG—MIKADO and CHORUS.
A more humane Mikado never Did in Japan exist, To nobody second, I'm certainly reckoned A true philanthropist. It is my very humane endeavour To make, to some extent, Each evil liver A running river Of harmless merriment.
My object all sublime I shall achieve in time— To let the punishment fit the crime— The punishment fit the crime; And make each prisoner pent Unwillingly represent A source of innocent merriment! Of innocent merriment!
All prosy dull society sinners, Who chatter and bleat and bore, Are sent to hear sermons From mystical Germans Who preach from ten till four. The amateur tenor, whose vocal villainies All desire to shirk, Shall, during off-hours, Exhibit his powers To Madame Tussaud's waxwork.
The lady who dyes a chemical yellow Or stains her grey hair puce, Or pinches her figure, Is painted with vigour With permanent walnut juice. The idiot who, in railway carriages, Scribbles on window-panes, We only suffer To ride on a buffer In Parliamentary trains.
My object all sublime, etc.
CHORUS. His object all sublime, etc.
The advertising quack who wearies With tales of countless cures, His teeth, I've enacted, Shall all be extracted By terrified amateurs. The music-hall singer attends a series Of masses and fugues and "ops" By Bach, interwoven With Spohr and Beethoven, At classical Monday Pops.
The billiard sharp who any one catches, His doom's extremely hard— He's made to dwell— In a dungeon cell On a spot that's always barred. And there he plays extravagant matches In fitless finger-stalls On a cloth untrue With a twisted cue And elliptical billiard balls!
My object all sublime, etc.
CHORUS. His object all sublime, etc.
Enter Pooh-Bah, Ko-Ko, and Pitti-Sing. All kneel
(Pooh-Bah hands a paper to Ko-Ko.)
KO. I am honoured in being permitted to welcome your Majesty. I guess the object of your Majesty's visit—your wishes have been attended to. The execution has taken place. MIK. Oh, you've had an execution, have you? KO. Yes. The Coroner has just handed me his certificate. POOH. I am the Coroner. (Ko-Ko hands certificate to Mikado.) MIK. And this is the certificate of his death. (Reads.) "At Titipu, in the presence of the Lord Chancellor, Lord Chief Justice, Attorney-General, Secretary of State for the Home Department, Lord Mayor, and Groom of the Second Floor Front——" POOH. They were all present, your Majesty. I counted them myself. MIK. Very good house. I wish I'd been in time for the performance. KO. A tough fellow he was, too—a man of gigantic strength. His struggles were terrific. It was a remarkable scene. MIK. Describe it.
TRIO and CHORUS.
KO-KO, PITTI-SING, POOH-BAH and CHORUS.
KO. The criminal cried, as he dropped him down, In a state of wild alarm— With a frightful, frantic, fearful frown, I bared my big right arm. I seized him by his little pig-tail, And on his knees fell he, As he squirmed and struggled, And gurgled and guggled, I drew my snickersnee! Oh, never shall I Forget the cry, Or the shriek that shrieked he, As I gnashed my teeth, When from its sheath I drew my snickersnee!
CHORUS.
We know him well, He cannot tell Untrue or groundless tales— He always tries To utter lies, And every time he fails.
PITTI. He shivered and shook as he gave the sign For the stroke he didn't deserve; When all of a sudden his eye met mine, And it seemed to brace his nerve; For he nodded his head and kissed his hand, And he whistled an air, did he, As the sabre true Cut cleanly through His cervical vertebrae!
When a man's afraid, A beautiful maid Is a cheering sight to see; And it's oh, I'm glad That moment sad Was soothed by sight of me!
CHORUS.
Her terrible tale You can't assail, With truth it quite agrees: Her taste exact For faultless fact Amounts to a disease.
POOH. Now though you'd have said that head was dead (For its owner dead was he), It stood on its neck, with a smile well-bred, And bowed three times to me! It was none of your impudent off-hand nods, But as humble as could be; For it clearly knew The deference due To a man of pedigree! And it's oh, I vow, This deathly bow Was a touching sight to see; Though trunkless, yet It couldn't forget The deference due to me!
CHORUS.
This haughty youth, He speaks the truth Whenever he finds it pays: And in this case It all took place Exactly as he says! [Exeunt Chorus.
MIK. All this is very interesting, and I should like to have seen it. But we came about a totally different matter. A year ago my son, the heir to the throne of Japan, bolted from our Imperial Court. KO. Indeed! Had he any reason to be dissatisfied with his position? KAT. None whatever. On the contrary, I was going to marry him—yet he fled! POOH. I am surprised that he should have fled from one so lovely! KAT. That's not true. POOH. No! KAT. You hold that I am not beautiful because my face is plain. But you know nothing; you are still unenlightened. Learn, then, that it is not in the face alone that beauty is to be sought. My face is unattractive! POOH. It is. KAT. But I have a left shoulder-blade that is a miracle of loveliness. People come miles to see it. My right elbow has a fascination that few can resist. POOH. Allow me! KAT. It is on view Tuesdays and Fridays, on presentation of visiting card. As for my circulation, it is the largest in the world. KO. And yet he fled! MIK. And is now masquerading in this town, disguised as a Second Trombone. KO., POOH., and PITTI. A Second Trombone! MIK. Yes; would it be troubling you too much if I asked you to produce him? He goes by the name of—— KAT. Nanki-Poo. MIK. Nanki-Poo. KO. It's quite easy. That is, it's rather difficult. In point of fact, he's gone abroad! MIK. Gone abroad! His address. KO. Knightsbridge! KAT. (who is reading certificate of death). Ha! MIK. What's the matter? KAT. See here—his name—Nanki-Poo—beheaded this morning. Oh, where shall I find another? Where shall I find another?
[Ko-Ko, Pooh-Bah, and Pitti-Sing fall on their knees.
MIK. (looking at paper). Dear, dear, dear! this is very tiresome. (To Ko-Ko.) My poor fellow, in your anxiety to carry out my wishes you have beheaded the heir to the throne of Japan! KO. I beg to offer an unqualified apology. POOH. I desire to associate myself with that expression of regret. PITTI. We really hadn't the least notion— MIK. Of course you hadn't. How could you? Come, come, my good fellow, don't distress yourself—it was no fault of yours. If a man of exalted rank chooses to disguise himself as a Second Trombone, he must take the consequences. It really distresses me to see you take on so. I've no doubt he thoroughly deserved all he got. (They rise.) KO. We are infinitely obliged to your Majesty—— PITTI. Much obliged, your Majesty. POOH. Very much obliged, your Majesty. MIK. Obliged? not a bit. Don't mention it. How could you tell? POOH. No, of course we couldn't tell who the gentleman really was. PITTI. It wasn't written on his forehead, you know. KO. It might have been on his pocket-handkerchief, but Japanese don't use pocket-handkerchiefs! Ha! ha! ha! MIK. Ha! ha! ha! (To Katisha.) I forget the punishment for compassing the death of the Heir Apparent. KO., POOH, and PITTI. Punishment. (They drop down on their knees again.) MIK. Yes. Something lingering, with boiling oil in it, I fancy. Something of that sort. I think boiling oil occurs in it, but I'm not sure. I know it's something humorous, but lingering, with either boiling oil or melted lead. Come, come, don't fret—I'm not a bit angry. KO. (in abject terror). If your Majesty will accept our assurance, we had no idea—— MIK. Of course—— PITTI. I knew nothing about it. POOH. I wasn't there. MIK. That's the pathetic part of it. Unfortunately, the fool of an Act says "compassing the death of the Heir Apparent." There's not a word about a mistake—— KO., PITTI., and POOH. No! MIK. Or not knowing—— KO. No! MIK. Or having no notion—— PITTI. No! MIK. Or not being there—— POOH. No! MIK. There should be, of course—- KO., PITTI., and POOH. Yes! MIK. But there isn't. KO., PITTI., and POOH. Oh! MIK. That's the slovenly way in which these Acts are always drawn. However, cheer up, it'll be all right. I'll have it altered next session. Now, let's see about your execution—will after luncheon suit you? Can you wait till then? KO., PITTI., and POOH. Oh, yes—we can wait till then! MIK. Then we'll make it after luncheon. POOH. I don't want any lunch. MIK. I'm really very sorry for you all, but it's an unjust world, and virtue is triumphant only in theatrical performances.
GLEE.
PITTI-SING, KATISHA, KO-KO, POOH-BAH, and MIKADO,
MIK. See how the Fates their gifts allot, For A is happy—B is not. Yet B is worthy, I dare say, Of more prosperity than A! KO., POOH., and PITTI. Is B more worthy? KAT. I should say He's worth a great deal more than A. ENSEMBLE: Yet A is happy! Oh, so happy! Laughing, Ha! ha! Chaffing, Ha! ha! Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha! Ever joyous, ever gay, Happy, undeserving A! KO., POOH., and PITTI. If I were Fortune—which I'm not— B should enjoy A's happy lot, And A should die in miserie— That is, assuming I am B. MIK. and KAT. But should A perish? KO., POOH., and PITTI. That should be (Of course, assuming I am B). B should be happy! Oh, so happy! Laughing, Ha! ha! Chaffing, Ha! ha! Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha! But condemned to die is he, Wretched meritorious B!
[Exeunt Mikado and Katisha.
KO. Well, a nice mess you've got us into, with your nodding head and the deference due to a man of pedigree! POOH. Merely corroborative detail, intended to give artistic verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative. PITTI. Corroborative detail indeed! Corroborative fiddlestick! KO. And you're just as bad as he is with your cock— and-a-bull stories about catching his eye and his whistling an air. But that's so like you! You must put in your oar! POOH. But how about your big right arm? PITTI. Yes, and your snickersnee! KO. Well, well, never mind that now. There's only one thing to be done. Nanki-Poo hasn't started yet—he must come to life again at once. (Enter Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum prepared for journey.) Here he comes. Here, Nanki-Poo, I've good news for you—you're reprieved. NANK. Oh, but it's too late. I'm a dead man, and I'm off for my honeymoon. KO. Nonsense! A terrible thing has just happened. It seems you're the son of the Mikado. NANK. Yes, but that happened some time ago. KO. Is this a time for airy persiflage? Your father is here, and with Katisha! NANK. My father! And with Katisha! KO. Yes, he wants you particularly. POOH. So does she. YUM. Oh, but he's married now. KO. But, bless my heart! what has that to do with it? NANK. Katisha claims me in marriage, but I can't marry her because I'm married already—consequently she will insist on my execution, and if I'm executed, my wife will have to be buried alive. YUM. You see our difficulty. KO. Yes. I don't know what's to be done. NANK. There's one chance for you. If you could persuade Katisha to marry you, she would have no further claim on me, and in that case I could come to life without any fear of being put to death. KO. I marry Katisha! YUM. I really think it's the only course. KO. But, my good girl, have you seen her? She's something appalling! PITTI. Ah! that's only her face. She has a left elbow which people come miles to see! POOH. I am told that her right heel is much admired by connoisseurs. KO. My good sir, I decline to pin my heart upon any lady's right heel. NANK. It comes to this: While Katisha is single, I prefer to be a disembodied spirit. When Katisha is married, existence will be as welcome as the flowers in spring.
DUET—NANKI-POO and KO-KO.
(With YUM-YUM, PITTI-SING, and POOH-BAH.)
NANK. The flowers that bloom in the spring, Tra la, Breathe promise of merry sunshine— As we merrily dance and we sing, Tra la, We welcome the hope that they bring, Tra la, Of a summer of roses and wine. And that's what we mean when we say that a thing Is welcome as flowers that bloom in the spring. Tra la la la la la, etc.
ALL. Tra la la la, etc.
KO. The flowers that bloom in the spring, Tra la, Have nothing to do with the case. I've got to take under my wing, Tra la, A most unattractive old thing, Tra la, With a caricature of a face And that's what I mean when I say, or I sing, "Oh, bother the flowers that bloom in the spring." Tra la la la la la, etc.
ALL. Tra la la la, Tra la la la, etc.
[Dance and exeunt Nanki-Poo, Yum-Yum, Pooh-Bah, Pitti-Sing, and Ko-Ko.
Enter Katisha.
RECITATIVE and SONG.—KATISHA.
Alone, and yet alive! Oh, sepulchre! My soul is still my body's prisoner! Remote the peace that Death alone can give— My doom, to wait! my punishment, to live!
SONG.
Hearts do not break! They sting and ache For old love's sake, But do not die, Though with each breath They long for death As witnesseth The living I! Oh, living I! Come, tell me why, When hope is gone, Dost thou stay on? Why linger here, Where all is drear? Oh, living I! Come, tell me why, When hope is gone, Dost thou stay on? May not a cheated maiden die?
KO. (entering and approaching her timidly). Katisha! KAT. The miscreant who robbed me of my love! But vengeance pursues—they are heating the cauldron! KO. Katisha—behold a suppliant at your feet! Katisha—mercy! KAT. Mercy? Had you mercy on him? See here, you! You have slain my love. He did not love me, but he would have loved me in time. I am an acquired taste—only the educated palate can appreciate me. I was educating his palate when he left me. Well, he is dead, and where shall I find another? It takes years to train a man to love me. Am I to go through the weary round again, and, at the same time, implore mercy for you who robbed me of my prey—I mean my pupil—just as his education was on the point of completion? Oh, where shall I find another? KO. (suddenly, and with great vehemence). Here!—Here! KAT. What!!! KO. (with intense passion). Katisha, for years I have loved you with a white-hot passion that is slowly but surely consuming my very vitals! Ah, shrink not from me! If there is aught of woman's mercy in your heart, turn not away from a love-sick suppliant whose every fibre thrills at your tiniest touch! True it is that, under a poor mask of disgust, I have endeavoured to conceal a passion whose inner fires are broiling the soul within me! But the fire will not be smothered—it defies all attempts at extinction, and, breaking forth, all the more eagerly for its long restraint, it declares itself in words that will not be weighed—that cannot be schooled—that should not be too severely criticised. Katisha, I dare not hope for your love—but I will not live without it! Darling! KAT. You, whose hands still reek with the blood of my betrothed, dare to address words of passion to the woman you have so foully wronged! KO. I do—accept my love, or I perish on the spot! KAT. Go to! Who knows so well as I that no one ever yet died of a broken heart! KO. You know not what you say. Listen!
SONG—KO-KO.
On a tree by a river a little tom-tit Sang "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!" And I said to him, "Dicky-bird, why do you sit Singing Willow, titwillow, titwillow'?" "Is it weakness of intellect, birdie?" I cried, "Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?" With a shake of his poor little head, he replied, "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!"
He slapped at his chest, as he sat on that bough, Singing "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!" And a cold perspiration bespangled his brow, Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow! He sobbed and he sighed, and a gurgle he gave, Then he plunged himself into the billowy wave, And an echo arose from the suicide's grave— "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!"
Now I feel just as sure as I'm sure that my name Isn't Willow, titwillow, titwillow, That 'twas blighted affection that made him exclaim "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!" And if you remain callous and obdurate, I Shall perish as he did, and you will know why, Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die, "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!"
(During this song Katisha has been greatly affected, and at the end is almost in tears.)
KAT. (whimpering). Did he really die of love? KO. He really did. KAT. All on account of a cruel little hen? KO. Yes. KAT. Poor little chap! KO. It's an affecting tale, and quite true. I knew the bird intimately. KAT. Did you? He must have been very fond of her. KO. His devotion was something extraordinary. KAT. (still whimpering). Poor little chap! And—and if I refuse you, will you go and do the same? KO. At once. KAT. No, no—you mustn't! Anything but that! (Falls on his breast.) Oh, I'm a silly little goose! KO. (making a wry face). You are! KAT. And you won't hate me because I'm just a little teeny weeny wee bit bloodthirsty, will you? KO. Hate you? Oh, Katisha! is there not beauty even in bloodthirstiness? KAT. My idea exactly.
DUET—KATISHA and KO-KO.
KAT. There is beauty in the bellow of the blast, There is grandeur in the growling of the gale, There is eloquent outpouring When the lion is a-roaring, And the tiger is a-lashing of his tail! KO. Yes, I like to see a tiger From the Congo or the Niger, And especially when lashing of his tail! KAT. Volcanoes have a splendor that is grim, And earthquakes only terrify the dolts, But to him who's scientific There's nothing that's terrific In the falling of a flight of thunderbolts! KO. Yes, in spite of all my meekness, If I have a little weakness, It's a passion for a flight of thunderbolts!
BOTH. If that is so, Sing derry down derry! It's evident, very, Our tastes are one. Away we'll go, And merrily marry, Nor tardily tarry Till day is done!
KO. There is beauty in extreme old age— Do you fancy you are elderly enough? Information I'm requesting On a subject interesting: Is a maiden all the better when she's tough? KAT. Throughout this wide dominion It's the general opinion That she'll last a good deal longer when she's tough.
KO. Are you old enough to marry, do you think? Won't you wait till you are eighty in the shade? There's a fascination frantic In a ruin that's romantic; Do you think you are sufficiently decayed? KAT. To the matter that you mention I have given some attention, And I think I am sufficiently decayed.
BOTH. If that is so, Sing derry down derry! It's evident, very, Our tastes are one! Away we'll go, And merrily marry, Nor tardily tarry Till day is done! [Exeunt together.
Flourish. Enter the Mikado, attended by Pish-Tush and Court.
MIK. Now then, we've had a capital lunch, and we're quite ready. Have all the painful preparations been made? PISH. Your Majesty, all is prepared. MIK. Then produce the unfortunate gentleman and his two well-meaning but misguided accomplices.
Enter Ko-Ko, Katisha, Pooh-Bah, and Pitti-Sing. They throw themselves at the Mikado's feet
KAT. Mercy! Mercy for Ko-Ko! Mercy for Pitti-Sing! Mercy even for Pooh-Bah! MIK. I beg your pardon, I don't think I quite caught that remark. POOH. Mercy even for Pooh-Bah. KAT. Mercy! My husband that was to have been is dead, and I have just married this miserable object. MIK. Oh! You've not been long about it! KO. We were married before the Registrar. POOH. I am the Registrar. MIK. I see. But my difficulty is that, as you have slain the Heir Apparent——
Enter Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum. They kneel.
NANK. The Heir Apparent is not slain. MIK. Bless my heart, my son! YUM. And your daughter-in-law elected! KAT. (seizing Ko-Ko). Traitor, you have deceived me! MIK. Yes, you are entitled to a little explanation, but I think he will give it better whole than in pieces. KO. Your Majesty, it's like this: It is true that I stated that I had killed Nanki-Poo—— MIK. Yes, with most affecting particulars. POOH. Merely corroborative detail intended to give artistic verisimilitude to a bald and—— KO. Will you refrain from putting in your oar? (To Mikado.) It's like this: When your Majesty says, "Let a thing be done," it's as good as done—practically, it is done—because your Majesty's will is law. Your Majesty says, "Kill a gentleman," and a gentleman is told off to be killed. Consequently, that gentleman is as good as dead—practically, he is dead—and if he is dead, why not say so? MIK. I see. Nothing could possibly be more satisfactory!
FINALE.
PITTI. For he's gone and married Yum-Yum— ALL. Yum-Yum! PITTI. Your anger pray bury, For all will be merry, I think you had better succumb— ALL. Cumb—cumb. PITTI. And join our expressions of glee! KO. On this subject I pray you be dumb— ALL. Dumb—dumb! KO. Your notions, though many, Are not worth a penny, The word for your guidance is "Mum"— ALL. Mum—Mum! KO. You've a very good bargain in me. ALL. On this subject we pray you be dumb— Dumb—dumb! We think you had better succumb— Cumb—cumb! You'll find there are many Who'll wed for a penny, There are lots of good fish in the sea. YUM. and NANK. The threatened cloud has passed away, And brightly shines the dawning day; What though the night may come too soon, We've years and years of afternoon! ALL. Then let the throng Our joy advance, With laughing song And merry dance, With joyous shout and ringing cheer, Inaugurate our new career! Then let the throng, etc. CURTAIN.
THE PIRATES OF PENZANCE OR
THE SLAVE OF DUTY DRAMATIS PERSONAE
MAJOR-GENERAL STANLEY
THE PIRATE KING
SAMUEL (his Lieutenant)
SERGEANT OF POLICE
MABEL, EDITH, KATE, and ISABEL (General Stanley's Daughters)
RUTH (a Pirate Maid of all Work)
Chorus of Pirates, Police, and General Stanley's Daughters ACT I
A rocky sea-shore on the coast of Cornwall