Fashion

Dedication

To WALTER WATTS, ESQ.,

ONE of the most liberal supporters of the Drama, whose desire to elevate and purify it--whose appreciation and patronage of its humblest as, well as highest talent--whose liberality and consideration to all with whom the profession connects him--and whose efforts to establish harmony amongst them, while he promotes the interest of all, are beyond eulogium, the Comedy of "FASHION" is respectfully dedicated, with the grateful acknowledgments of

ANNA CORA MOWATT.

Prologue

PROLOGUE

(Enter a Gentleman, reading a Newspaper.)

"'Fashion, a Comedy.' I'll go; but stay— Now I read farther, 'tis a native play! Bah! homemade calicoes are well enough, But homemade dramas must be stupid stuff. Had it the London stamp, 'twould do—but then, For plays, we lack the manners and the men!"

Thus speaks one critic. Here's another's creed:— "'Fashion!' What's here? (Reads.) It never can succeed! What! from a woman's pen? It takes a man To write a comedy—no woman can."

Well, sir, and what say you, and why that frown? His eyes uprolled, he lays the paper down:— "Here! take," he says, "the unclean thing away! 'This tainted with the notice of a play!"

But, sir!—but, gentlemen!—you, sir, who think No comedy can flow from native ink,&mdash Are we such perfect monsters, or such dull, That Wit no traits for ridicule can cull? Have we no follies here to be redressed? No vices gibbeted? no crimes confessed? "But then a female hand can't lay the lash on!" How know you that, sir, when the theme is Fashion?

And now, come forth, thou man of sanctity! How shall I venture a reply to thee? The Stage—what is it, though beneath thy ban, But a daguerreotype of life and man? Arraign poor human nature, if you will, But let the Drama have her mission still; Let her, with honest purpose, still reflect The faults which keeneyed Satire may detect. For there be men who fear not an hereafter, Yet tremble at the hell of public laughter!

Friends, from these scoffers we appeal to you! Condemn the false, but O, applaud the true. Grant that some wit may grow on native soil And art's fair fabric rise from woman's toil. While we exhibit but to reprehend The social voices, 'tis for you to mend!

Act I

ACT I

Scene I

{A splendid Drawing Room in the House of Mrs. Tiffany. Open folding door C. F., discovering a Conservatory. On either side glass windows down to the ground. Doors on R. and L. U. E. Mirror, couches, ottomans, a table with albums, &c., beside it an arm chair. Millinette R. dusting furniture, &c., Zeke L. in a dashing livery, scarlet coat, &c.)

Zeke

Dere's a coat to take de eyes ob all Broadway! Ah! Missy, it am de fixins dat make de natural born gemman. A libery for ever! Dere's a pair ob insuppressibles to 'stonish de colored population.

Millinette

Oh, oui, Monsieur Zeke (very politely). I not comprend one word he say! (aside)

Zeke

I tell 'ee what, Missy, I'm 'stordinary glad to find dis a bery 'spectabul like situation! Now as you've made de acquaintance ob dis here family, and dere you've had a supernumerary advantage ob me--seeing dat I only receibed my appointment dis morning. What I wants to know is your publicated, opinion, privately expressed, ob de domestic circle.

Millinette

You mean vat espèce, vat kind of personnes are Monsieur and Madame Tiffany? Ah! Monsieur is not de same ting as Madame,--not at all.

Zeke

Well, I s'pose he aint altogether.

Millinette

Monsieur is man of business,--Madame is lady of fashion. Monsieur make de money,--Madame spend it. Monsieur nobody at all,--Madame everybody altogether. Ah! Monsieur Zeke, de money is all dat is necessaire in country to make one lady of fashion. Oh! it is quite oder ting in la belle France!

Zeke

A bery lucifer explanation. Well, now we've disposed ob de heads ob de family, who come next?

Millinette

First, dere is Mademoiselle Seraphina Tiffany. Mademoiselle is not at all one proper personne. Mademoiselle Seraphina is one coquette. Dat is not de mode in la belle France; de ladies, dere, never learn la coquetrie until dey do get one husband.

Zeke

I tell 'ee what, Missy, I disreprobate dat proceeding altogeder!

Millinette

Vait! I have not tell you all la famille yet. Dere is Ma'mselle Prudence--Madame's sister, one very bizarre personne. Den dere is Ma'mselle Gertrude, but she not anybody at all; she only teach Mademoiselle Seraphina la musique.

Zeke

Well now, Missy, what's your own special defunctions?

Millinette

I not understand, Monsieur Zeke.

Zeke

Den I'll amplify. What's de nature ob your exclusive services?

Millinette

Ah, oui! je comprend. I am Madame's femme de chambre--her lady's maid, Monsieur Zeke. I teach Madame les modes de Paris, and Madame set de fashion for all New York. You see, Monsieur Zeke, dat it is me, moi-meme, dat do lead de fashion for all de American beau monde!

Zeke

Yah! yah! yah! I hab de idea by de heel. Well now, p'raps you can 'lustrify my officials?

Millinette

Vat you will have to do? Oh! much tings, much tings. You vait on de table,--you tend de door,--you clean de boots,--you run de errands,--you drive de carriage,--you rub de horses,--you take care of de flowers, --you carry de water,--you help cook de dinner,--you wash de dishes,--and den you always remember to do everyting I tell you to!

Zeke

Wheugh, am dat all?

Millinette

All I can tink of now. To-day is Madame's day of reception, and all her grand friends do make her one petite visit. You mind run fast ven de bell do ring.

Zeke

Run? If it wasn't for dese superfluminous trimmings, I, tell 'ee what, Missy, I'd run--

Mrs. Tiffany

(outside)

Millinette!

Millinette

Here comes Madame! You better go, Monsieur Zeke.

Zeke

Look ahea, Massa Zeke, doesn't dis open rich! (aside).

(Exit Zeke, L)

(Enter Mrs. Tiffany R., dressed in the most extravagant height of fashion)

Mrs. Tiffany

Is everything in order, Millinette? Ah! very elegant, very elegant indeed! There is a jenny-says-quoi look about this furniture,--an air of fashion and gentility perfectly bewitching. Is there not, Millinette?

Millinette

Oh, oui, Madame!

Mrs. Tiffany

But where is Miss Seraphina? It is twelve o'clock; our visitors will be pouring in, and she has not made her appearance. But I hear that nothing is more fashionable than to keep people waiting.--None but vulgar persons pay any attention to punctuality. Is it not so, Millinette?

Millinette

Quite comme il faut.--Great personnes always do make little personnes wait, Madame.

Mrs. Tiffany

This mode of receiving visitors only upon one specified day of the week is a most convenient custom! It saves the trouble of keeping the house continually in order and of being always dressed. I flatter myself that I was the first to introduce it amongst the New York ee-light. You are quite sure that it is strictly a Parisian mode, Millinette?

Millinette

Oh, oui, Madame; entirely mode de Paris.

Mrs. Tiffany

This girl is worth her weight in gold (aside). Millinette, how do you say arm-chair in French?

Millinette

Fauteuil, Madame.

Mrs. Tiffany

Fo-tool! That has a foreign--an out-of-the-wayish sound that is perfectly charming--and so genteel! There is something about our American words decidedly vulgar. Fowtool! how refined. Fowtool! Arm-chair! what a difference!

Millinette

Madame have one charmante pronunciation. Fow-tool! (mimicking aside) charmante, Madame

Mrs. Tiffany

Do, you think so, Millinette? Well, I believe I have. But a woman of refinement and of fashion can always accommodate herself to everything foreign! And a week's study of that invaluable work--"French without a Master," has made me quite at home in the court language of of Europe! But where is the new valet? I'm rather sorry that he is black, but to obtain a white American for a domestic is almost impossible; and they call this a free country! What did you say was the name of this new servant, Millinette?

Millinette

He do say his name is Monsieur Zeke.

Mrs. Tiffany

Ezekiel, I suppose. Zeke ! Dear me, such a vulgar name will compromise the dignity of the whole family. Can you not suggest something more aristocratic, Millinette? Something French!

Millinette

Oh, oui, Madame; Adolph is one very fine name.

Mrs. Tiffany

A-dolph ! Charming! Ring the bell, Millinette ! (Millinette rings the bell). I will change his name immediately, besides giving him a few directions.

(Enter Zeke, L. U. H)

(Mrs. Tiffany addresses him with great dignity)

Your name, I hear, is Ezekiel.--I consider it too plebeian an appellation to be uttered in my presence. In future you are called A-dolph. Don't reply,--never interrupt me when I am speaking. A-dolph, as my guests arrive, I desire that you will inquire the name of every person, and then announce it in a loud, clear tone. That is the fashion in Paris.

(Millinette retires up the stage)

Zeke

Consider de office discharged, Missus. (speaking very loudly)

Mrs. Tiffany

Silence! Your business is to obey and not to talk.

Zeke

I'm dumb, Missus!

Mrs. Tiffany

(pointing up stage)

A-dolph, place that fowtool behind me.

Zeke

(looking about him)

I hab'nt got dat far in de dictionary yet. No matter, a genus gets his learning by nature.

(takes up the table and places it behind Mrs. Tiffany, then expresses in dumb show great satisfaction. Mrs. Tiffany, as she goes to sit, discovers the mistake)

Mrs. Tiffany

You dolt! Where have you lived not to know that fow-tool is the French for arm-chair ? What ignorance! Leave the room this instant.

(Mrs. Tiffany draws forward an arm-chair and sits. Millinette comes forward suppressing her merriment at Zeke's mistake and removes the table)

Zeke

Dem's de defects ob not having a libery education.

(Exit L. U. H)

(Prudence peeps in, R. U. E)

Prudence

I wonder if any of the fine folks have come yet. Not a soul,--I knew they hadn't. There's Betsy all alone (walks in). Sister Betsy!

Mrs. Tiffany

Prudence! how many times have I desired you to call me Elizabeth? Betsy is the height of vulgarity.

Prudence

Oh! I forgot. Dear me, how spruce we do look here, to be sure,--everything in first rate style now, Betsy.

(Mrs. T. looks at her angrily)

Elizabeth I mean. Who would have thought, when you and I were sitting behind that little mahogany-colored counter, in Canal Street, making up flashy hats and caps--

Mrs. Tiffany

Prudence, what do you mean? Millinette, leave the room.

Millinette

(R.) Oui, Madame.

(Millinette pretends to arrange the books upon a side table, but lingers to listen)

Prudence

But I always predicted it,--I always told you so, Betsy,--I always said you were destined to rise above your station!

Mrs. Tiffany

Prudence! Prudence! have I not told you that--

Prudence

No, Betsy, it was I that told you, when we used to buy our silks and ribbons of Mr. Antony Tiffany--"talking-Tony," you know we used to call him, and when you always put on the finest bonnet in our shop to go to his,--and when you staid so long smiling and chattering with him, I always told you that something would grow out of it--and didn't it?

Mrs. Tiffany

Millinette, send Seraphina here instantly. Leave the room.

Millinette

Oui, Madame. So dis Americaine lady of fashion vas one milliner? Oh, vat a fine country for les merchandes des modes! I shall send for all my relation by de next packet ! (aside).

(Exit Millinette R. W. U. E.)

Mrs. Tiffany

Prudence! never let me hear you mention this subject again. Forget what we have been, it is enough to remember that we are of the upper ten thousand!

(Prudence goes up L. C. and sits down)

(Enter Seraphina R. U. E., very extravagantly dressed)

Mrs. Tiffany

How bewitchingly you look, my dear! Does Millinette say that that head dress is strictly Parisian?

Seraphina Tiffany

Oh, yes, Mamma, all the rage! They call it a lady's tarpaulin, and it is the exact pattern of one worn by the Princess Clementina at the last court ball.

Mrs. Tiffany

(L.) Now, Seraphina my dear, don't be too particular in your attentions to gentlemen not eligible. There is Count Jolimaitre, decidedly the most fashionable foreigner in town,--and so refined,--so much accustomed to associate with the first nobility in his own country that he can hardly tolerate the vulgarity of Americans in general. You may devote yourself to him. Mrs. Proudacre is dying to become acquainted with him. By the by, if she or her daughters should happen to drop in, be sure you don't introduce them to the Count. It is not the fashion in Paris to introduce--Millinette told me so.

(Enter Zeke, L. U. E.)

Zeke

(in a very loud voice) Mister T. Tennyson Twinkle!

Mrs. Tiffany

Show him up.

(Exit Zeke L.)

Prudence

I must be running away! (going)

Mrs. Tiffany

Mr. T. Tennyson Twinkle--a very literary young man and a sweet poet! It is all the rage to patronize poets! Quick, Seraphina, hand me that magazine.--Mr. Twinkle writes for it.

(Seraphina hands the magazine, Mrs. T. seats herself in an arm-chair and opens the book)

Prudence

(returning L.)

There's Betsy trying to make out that reading without her spectacles.

(takes a pair of spectacles out of her pocket and hands them to Mrs. Tiffany)

There, Betsy, I know, you were going to ask for them. Ah! they're a blessing when one is growing old!

Mrs. Tiffany

What do you mean, Prudence? A woman of fashion never grows old! Age is always out of fashion.

Prudence

Oh. dear! what a delightful thing it is to be fashionable.

(Exit Prudence, R. U E.)

(Mrs. Tiffany resumes her seat)

(Enter Twinkle, L.)

(salutes Seraphina)

T. Tennyson Twinkle

Fair Seraphina! the sun itself grows dim, unless you aid his light and shine on him!

Seraphina Tiffany

Ah! Mr. Twinkle, there is no such thing as answering you.

T. Tennyson Twinkle

(looks around and perceives Mrs. Tiffany)

The "New Monthly Vernal Galaxy." Reading my verses by all that's charming! Sensible woman! I won't interrupt her. (aside).

Mrs. Tiffany

(rising and coming forward)

Ah! Mr. Twinkle, is that you? I was perfectly abimé at the perusal of your very distingué verses.

T. Tennyson Twinkle

I am overwhelmed, Madam. Permit me (taking the magazine). Yes, they do read tolerably. And you must take into consideration, ladies, the rapidity with which they were written. Four minutes and a half by the stop watch! The true test of a poet is the velocity with which he composes. Really they do look very prettily, and they read tolerably--quite tolerably--very tolerably, --especially the first verse. (reads) "To Seraphina T--."

Seraphina Tiffany

Oh! Mr. Twinkle!

T. Tennyson Twinkle

(reads) "Around my heart"--

Mrs. Tiffany

How touching! Really, Mr. Twinkle, quite tender!

T. Tennyson Twinkle

(recommencing) "Around my heart"--

Mrs. Tiffany

Oh, I must tell you, Mr. Twinkle! I heard the other day that poets were the aristocrats of literature. That's one reason I like them, for I do dote on all aristocracy!

T. Tennyson Twinkle

Oh, Madam, how flattering! Now pray lend me your ears! (reads)"Around my heart thou weavest"--

Seraphina Tiffany

(R.) That is such a sweet commencement, Mr. Twinkle!

T. Tennyson Twinkle

(L.) I wish she wouldn't interrupt me! (aside) (reads) "Around my heart thou weavest a spell"--

Mrs. Tiffany

(C.) Beautiful! But excuse me one moment, while I say a word to Seraphina! Don't be too affable, my dear! Poets are very ornamental appendages to the drawing room, but they are always as poor as their own verses. They don't make eligible husbands! (aside to Seraphina).

T. Tennyson Twinkle

Confound their interruptions! (aside) My dear Madam, unless you pay the utmost attention you cannot catch the ideas. Are you ready ? Well, now you shall hear it to the end! (reads)-- "Around my heart thou weavest a spell whose"--

(Enter Zeke, L.)

Zeke

Mister Augustus Fogg! A bery misty lookin young gemman? (aside)

Mrs. Tiffany

Show him up, Adolph!

(Exit Zeke L.)

T. Tennyson Twinkle

This is too much!

Seraphina Tiffany

Exquisite verses, Mr. Twinkle,--exquisite!

T. Tennyson Twinkle

Ah, lovely Seraphina! your smile of approval transports me to the summit of Olympus.

Seraphina Tiffany

Then I must frown, for I would not send you so far away.

T. Tennyson Twinkle

Enchantress! It's all over with her. (aside)

(Retire up and converse)

Mrs. Tiffany

Mr. Fogg belongs to one of our oldest families,--to be sure he is the most difficult person in the world to entertain, for he never takes the trouble to talk, and never notices anything or anybody,--but then I hear that nothing is considered so vulgar as to betray any emotion, or to, attempt to render oneself agreeable!

(Enter Mr. Fogg, L.) (fashionably attired but in very dark clothes.)

Augustus Fogg

(bowing stiffly) Mrs. Tiffany, your most obedient. Miss Seraphina, yours. How dye do Twinkle?

Mrs. Tiffany

Mr. Fogg, how do you do? Fine weather,--delightful, isn't it?

Augustus Fogg

I am indifferent to weather, Madam.

Mrs. Tiffany

Been to the opera, Mr. Fogg? I hear that the bow monde make their debutt there every evening.

Augustus Fogg

I consider operas a bore, Madam.

Seraphina Tiffany

(advancing) You must hear Mr. Twinkle's verses, Mr. Fogg!

Augustus Fogg

I am indifferent to verses, Miss Serapbina.

Seraphina Tiffany

But Mr. Twinkle's verses are addressed to me!

T. Tennyson Twinkle

Now pay attention, Fogg! (reads)-- "Around my heart thou weavest a spell "Whose magic I"--

(Enter Zeke L.)

Zeke

Mister--No, he say he aint no Mister--

T. Tennyson Twinkle

"Around my heart thou weavest a spell whose magic I can never tell!"

Mrs. Tiffany

Speak in a loud, clear tone, A-dolph!

T. Tennyson Twinkle

This is terrible!

Zeke

Mister Count Jolly-made-her!

Mrs. Tiffany

Count Jolimaitre! Good gracious ! Zeke, Zeke--A-dolph I mean.--Dear me, what a mistake! (aside) Set that chair out of the way,--put that table back. Seraphina, my dear, are you all in order? Dear me! dear me! Your dress is so tumbled! (arranges her dress) What are you grinning at? (to Zeke) Beg the Count to honor us by walking up!

(Exit Zeke, L.)

Seraphina Tiffany

phina, my dear (aside to her), remember now what I told you about the Count. He is a man of the highest, good gracious! I am so flurried; and nothing is so ungenteel as agitation! what will the Count think! Mr. Twinkle, pray stand out of the way! Seraphina, my dear, place yourself on my right! Mr. Fogg, the conservatory--beautiful flowers,--pray amuse yourself in the conservatory.

Augustus Fogg

I am indifferent to flowers, Madam.

Mrs. Tiffany

Dear me! the man stands right in the way,--just where the Count must make his entray

(aside) Mr. Fogg,--pray--

(Enter Count Jolimaitre, L., very dashingly dressed, wears a moustache.)

Mrs. Tiffany

Oh, Count, this unexpected honor--

Seraphina Tiffany

Count, this inexpressible pleasure--

Count Jolimaitre

Beg you won't mention it, Madam! Miss Seraphina, your most devoted!

(crosses to C.)

Mrs. Tiffany

What condescension! (aside) Count may I take the liberty to introduce--Good gracious! I forgot. (aside) Count, I was about to remark that we never introduce in America. All our fashions are foreign, Count.

(Twinkle, who has stepped forward to be introduced, shows great indignation.)

Count Jolimaitre

Excuse me, Madam, our fashions have grown antideluvian before you Americans discover their existence. You are lamentably behind the age--lamentably! 'Pon my honor, a foreigner of refinement finds great difficulty in existing in this provincial atmosphere.

Mrs. Tiffany

How dreadful, Count! I am very much concerned. If there is anything which I can do, Count--

Seraphina Tiffany

(R.) Or I, Count, to render your situation less deplorable--

Count Jolimaitre

Ah! I find but one redeeming charm in America--the superlative loveliness of the feminine portion of creation,--and the wealth of their obliging papas. (aside)

Mrs. Tiffany

How flattering! Ah! Count, I am afraid you will turn the head of my simple girl here. She is a perfect child of nature, Count.

Count Jolimaitre

Very possibly, for though you American women are quite charming, yet, demme, there's a deal of native rust to rub off!

Mrs. Tiffany

Rust? Good gracious, Count! where do you find any rust? (looking about the room.)

Count Jolimaitre

How very unsophisticated!

Mrs. Tiffany

Count, I am so much ashamed,--pray excuse me! Although a lady of large fortune, and one, Count, who can boast of the highest connections, I blush to confess that I have never travelled,--while you, Count, I presume are at home in all the courts of Europe.

Count Jolimaitre

Courts? Eh? Oh, yes, Madam, very true. I believe I am pretty well known in some of the courts of Europe--police courts. (aside, crossing, L.) In a word, Madam, I had seen enough of civilized life--wanted to refresh myself by a sight of barbarous countries and customs--had my choice between the Sandwich Islands and New York--chose New York!

Mrs. Tiffany

How complimentary to our country! And, Count, I have no doubt you speak every conceivable language? You talk English like a native.

Count Jolimaitre

Eh, what? Like a native? Oh, ah, demme, yes, I am something of an Englishman. Passed one year and eight months with the Duke of Wellington, six months with Lord Brougham, two and a half with Count d'Orsay--knew them all more intimately than their best friends--no heroes to me--hadn't a secret from me, I assure you, especially of the toilet. (aside).

Mrs. Tiffany

Think of that, my dear! Lord Wellington and Duke Broom! (aside to Seraphina)

Seraphina Tiffany

And only think of Count d'Orsay, Mamma! (aside to Mrs. Tiffany) I am so wild to see Count d'Orsay!

Count Jolimaitre

(L.) Oh! a mere man milliner. Very little refinement out of Paris? Why at the very last dinner given at Lord--Lord Knows who, would you believe it, Madam, there was an individual present who wore a black cravat and took soup twice!

Mrs. Tiffany

(C.) How shocking! the sight of him would have spoilt my appetite! Think what a great man he must be, my dear, to despise lords and counts in that way. (aside to Seraphina.) I must leave them together. (aside) Mr. Twinkle, your arm. I have some really very foreign exotics to show you.

T. Tennyson Twinkle

I fly at your command. I wish all her exotics were blooming in their native soil!

(aside, and glancing at the Count)

Mrs. Tiffany

Mr. Fogg, will you accompany us? My conservatory is well worthy a visit. It cost an immense sum of money.

Augustus Fogg

I am indifferent to conservatories, Madam; flowers are such a bore!

Mrs. Tiffany

I shall take no refusal. Conservatories are all the rage,--I could not exist without mine! Let me show you,--let me show you.

(places her arm through Mr. Fogg's, without his consent. Exeunt Mrs. Tiffany, Fogg, and Twinkle into the conservatory, where they are seen walking about)

Seraphina Tiffany

America, then, has no charms for you, Count?

Count Jolimaitre

Excuse me,--some exceptions. I find you, for instance, particularly charming! Can't say I admire your country. Ah ! if you had ever breathed the exhilarating air of Paris, ate creams at Tortoni's, dined at the Café Royale, or if you had lived in London--felt at home at St. James's, and every afternoon driven a couple of Lords and a Duchess through Hyde Park, you would find America--where you have no kings, queens, lords, nor ladies--insupportable!

Seraphina Tiffany

Not while there was a Count in it!

(Enter Zeke, very indignant.)

Zeke

Where's de Missus?

(Enter Mrs. Tiffany, Fogg, and Twinkle, from the conservatory.)

Mrs. Tiffany

Whom do you come to announce, A-dolph?

Zeke

He said he wouldn't trust me--no, not eben wid so much as his name; so I wouldn't trust him up stairs, den he ups wid his stick and I cuts mine.

Mrs. Tiffany

Some of Mr. Tiffany's vulgar acquaintances. I shall die with shame. (aside) A-dolph, inform him that I am not at home.

(Exit Zeke, L. U. E)

My nerves are so shattered, I am ready to sink. Mr. Twinkle, that fow tool, if you please!

T. Tennyson Twinkle

What? What do you wish, Madam?

Mrs. Tiffany

The ignorance of these Americans! (aside) Count, may I trouble you ? That fow tool, if you please--

Count Jolimaitre

She's not talking English, nor French, but I suppose it's American. (aside)

Adam Trueman

(outside) Not at home!

Zeke

No, Sar--Missus say she's not at home.

Adam Trueman

Out of the way you grinning nigger!

(Enter Adam Trueman, L. U. E., dressed as a farmer, a stout cane in his hand, his boots covered with dust. Zeke jumps out of his way as he enters.)

(Exit Zeke, L.)

Adam Trueman

Where's this woman that's not at home in her own house? May I be shot! if I wonder at it! I shouldn't think she'd ever feel at home in such a show-box as this! (looking round.)

Mrs. Tiffany

What a plebeian looking old farmer! I wonder who he is? (aside) Sir--(advancing very agitatedly) what do you mean, Sir, by this owdacious conduct? How dare you intrude yourself into my parlor? Do you know who I am, Sir? (with great dignity) You are in the presence of Mrs. Tiffany, Sir!

Adam Trueman

Antony's wife, eh? Well now, I might have guessed that--ha! ha! ha! for I see you make it a point to carry half your husband's shop upon your back! No matter; that's being a good helpmate--for he carried the whole of it once in a pack on his own shoulders--now you bear a share!

Mrs. Tiffany

How dare you, you impertinent, owdacious, ignorant old man! It's all an invention. You're talking of somebody else. What will the Count think! (aside)

Adam Trueman

Why, I thought folks had better manners in the city! This is a civil welcome for your husband's old friend, and after my coming all the way from Catterangus to see you and yours! First a grinning nigger tricked out in scarlet regimentals--

Mrs. Tiffany

Let me tell you, Sir, that liveries are all the fashion!

Adam Trueman

The fashion, are they? To make men wear the badge of servitude in a free land--that's the fashion, is it? Hurrah, for republican simplicity! I will venture to say now, that you have your coat of arms, too!

Mrs. Tiffany

Certainly, Sir; you can see it on the panels of my voyture.

Adam Trueman

Oh! no need of that. I know what your escutcheon must be! A bandbox rampant with a bonnet couchant, and a pedlar's pack passant! Ha, ha, ha! that shows both houses united!

Mrs. Tiffany

Sir! you are most profoundly ignorant,--what do you mean by this insolence, Sir? How shall I get rid of him? (aside)

Adam Trueman

(looking at Seraphina) I hope that is not Gertrude! (aside)

Mrs. Tiffany

Sir, I'd have you know that--Seraphina, my child, walk with the gentlemen into the conservatory.

(Exeunt Seraphina, Twinkle, Fogg into conservatory)

Count Jolimaitre, pray make due allowances for the errors of this rustic! I do assure you, Count--(whispers to him)

Adam Trueman

Count! She calls that critter with a shoe brush over his mouth, Count! To look at him, I should have thought he was a tailor's walking advertisement! (aside)

Count Jolimaitre

(addressing Trueman whom he has been inspecting through his eye-glass) Where did you say you belonged, my friend? Dug out of the ruins of Pompeii, eh?

Adam Trueman

I belong to a land in which I rejoice to find that you are a foreigner.

Count Jolimaitre

What a barbarian! He doesn't see the honor I'm doing his country! Pray, Madam, is it one of the aboriginal inhabitants of the soil? To what tribe of Indians does he belong--the Pawnee or Choctaw? Does he carry a tomahawk?

Adam Trueman

Something quite as useful,--do you see that?

(Shaking his stick. Count runs to R. H. behind Mrs. Tiffany.)

Mrs. Tiffany

Oh, dear! I shall faint! Millinette! (approaching R. D.) Millinette!

(Enter Millinette, R. D., without advancing into the room.)

Milli.

Oui, Madame.

Mrs. Tiffany

A glass of water!

(Exit Millinette, r.)

Sir, (Crossing L. to Trueman) I am shocked at your plebeian conduct! This is a gentleman of the highest standing, Sir! He is a Count, Sir!

(Enter Millinette, R., bearing a salver with a glass of water. In advancing towards Mrs. Tiffany, she passes in front of the Count, starts and screams. The Count, after a start of surprise, regains his composure, plays with his eye glass, and looks perfectly unconcerned.)

Mrs. Tiffany

What is the matter? What is the matter?

Millinette

Noting, noting,--only--(looks at Count and turns away her eyes again) only--noting at all!

Adam Trueman

Don't be afraid, girl! Why, did you never see a live Count before? He's tame,--I dare say your mistress there leads him about by the ears.

Mrs. Tiffany

This is too much! Millinette, send for Mr. Tiffany instantly!

(crosses to Millinette, who is going, 3 E. L.)

Millinette

He just come in, Madame!

Adam Trueman

My old friend! Where is he? Take me to him,--I long to have one more hearty shake of the hand!

Mrs. Tiffany

Shake of the fist, you mean. (crosses to him) If I don't make him shake his in your face, you low, owdacious--no matter, we'll see! Count, honor me by joining my daughter in the conservatory, I will return immediately.

(Count bows and walks towards conservatory. Mrs. Tiffany following part of the way and then returning to Trueman.)

Adam Trueman

What a Jezebel! These women always play the very devil with a man, and yet I don't believe such a damaged bale of goods as that (looking at Mrs. Tiffany) has smothered the heart of little Antony!

Mrs. Tiffany

This way, Sir, sal vous plait.

(Exit L. With great dignity.)

Adam Trueman

Sal vous plait. Ha, ha, ha! We'll see what Fashion has done for him.

(Exit L.)

End of ACT I.