The Universaliad ; or confessions of Universalism : a poem in twelve cantos to which are added lectures on Universalism : wherein the system is explained and its chief arguments considered and refuted

Front matter

THE

UNIVEKSALIAD;

O R,

Preface

Of late years, the controversy between Christians and that sect of unbelievers styled Universalists, has been carried on with considerable spirit and violence : so much so, that many oral discussions have been held among the people, and divers volumes, on both sides, have been published. And, while some of both parties, are still harnessed for the war, and ready to make battle at any time, some good people have expressed the opinion that too much importance has been given to the subject — greatly more, indeed, than its merits demand, or than the public require. The opinion, possibly, may be well founded, but it is certain, in a general view, that those who entertain it, have paid but partial attention to the subject of Universalisin, and are unacquainted with the art and tact with which its advocates attempt to sustain it. My own opinion is, that too much care cannot be bestowed in this direction, in order to guard the faithful and weak by all the best means in our power. The human mind is so constituted, that it cannot believe an absurdity, however venerable from age, or however popular from superstition ; and, being well convinced that the religion of Universalists is supremely absurd, it is at once honorable and consistent in me to make that absurdity appear, by the feeble means in my possession. If an apology be needed, such it is, for the publication of another volume on the subject of Universalism — some account of which I will now present.

Some time in the autumn of 1847, by what may be regarded as a mere accident, my attention was called afresh to a consideration of some of the arguments in support of Universalism. Being, at that time, engaged

1?

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in conducting a religious periodical, I determined to say something by way of exposing that (as I believed) unreasonable and unscriptural dogma ; which I did. Hence, the appearance of the several pieces on the " God of Universalism," in the " Christian Journal and Union." But, merely for the sake of variety among the pieces on the subject, I was seated one day in order to compose some five or six stanzas ; but, when I had finished the number proposed, I found that I was fully out at sea, and that I could not well publish anything without publishing that to which my labors must swell — a book. Having finished one canto, the way was opened for another, and so on, till I had finished twelve. The theme was fruitful in its way. As for the merits of the whole performance, if there be any, the public at last will speak, but not from the impulses of those whose pride is wounded, or from the dispraise of interested editors and selfappointed critics, who never can see merit anywhere except in themselves, or in those who volunteer to become their echoes. To purchase praise from the secular press, would be an adventure which, however frequently done, would require more brass than I have on cheek or in coffer : and to expect it from those who have appointed themselves as censors of the literature of religion, in that department where it has been my lot to labor, is a matter which recent indications admonish me is vain. There is, then, but the one way to act in reference to the fate of the little volume now in your hand, reader — to let it go upon what merit it may have in the estimation of the public. I think I can bear the sneers of the ignorant, the contempt of the envious, and the coolness of pretended friends. I do not know that I desire their praise, and certainly I do not very much dread their frowns. I have, indeed, some reason to anticipate the latter; for when, in 1847, seven cantos of the Universaliad were published, they met with an ungracious re-

PREFACE.

ception in certain quarters, where, if read, they might have been of service. It will not be strange, if the whole volume should now come in for a double share of similar opprobrium. Should this be the case, happily the book is armed with a sting, which will be felt in proportion as it is provoked by the critics in question.

The plan of this poem is plain and easily apprehended. A Universalist clergyman, in the main apparently honest and ingenuous, is represented as calling a popular audience around him, and as discoursing to the believers on the several topics of which his system of doctrine is composed. Every difficulty he finds in his way is candidly acknowledged and confessed. He argues, or rather asserts, the case at large, and then puts forth such objections as appear in his way. Thus he goes on, till the end of the eighth canto. In the ninth canto, we regard him more as a writer than a speaker : he here aims to supply such omissions as had been discovered in the preceding cantos. In the tenth, he proceeds to give an account of the several discussions in which, at various times, he had been engaged. He meets a Methodist circuit-rider, Luther Lee. He next meets a Presbyterian divine. Finally, he meets some nameless orator, whom he first saw in the water, baptizing ; and by this man he is so terrified, that he flies in much haste to a place of concealment. The eleventh canto is a letter which he writes by way of reprisal, to the man who had so terrified him a short time before, at the water. There are some serious, and some rather comical, things in this canto. The twelfth canto contains the answer of the water-man to said letter, and is also designed to show clearly and fully the practical tendency of the doctrine of Universalism, by the presentation of a list of examples. Such is the plan, and such the substance of the Universaliad.

Respecting the spirit and style of the poem, could I

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be indulged, I would make a remark or two. And here I disguise it not, that I have aimed at a "burlesque throughout. I am sensible that Universalists have called it a low and vulgar poem. Others, who ought to , I know better, have seemed, in a few instances, to coincide in so worthless a judgment. I challenge all men to pro- i duce a vulgar or coarse line from it. But, it may be | well to observe, that words sometimes seem to contract | | a stain from the subjects about which we employ them. This is the case with Universalism. It is a blind, head- j long, and stupid affair ; and while our hero is telling j his tale, he must be allowed to do it in his own way, and according to the genius of his own system. This will, and must, give an air of levity to sundry of his speeches. Were it otherwise, the poem could not be, as it now is, a transcript, faithful and true, of the features of Univer- \ salism. Poetry, in part, is defined as a picture to the lift, or that medium through which we see things as they are. And I venture the assertion, that, whenever we see Universalism as it is, we see that which is supremely ridiculous— a strange commingling of things grave and ludicrous, solemn and laughable, sacred and profane. I am sensible that it is a nice point to handle so depraved a subject, without being liable to the charge of levity, or I even of vulgarity. In operations of this kind, it is neces- I sary not only to use the most delicate forceps, or whatever I instrument the contact requires, but to use it in the most skillful manner, lest some of the virus or corrup- I tion elicited from the subject defile the person of the operator.

It will be a mistake, in most readers, if they suppose they can understand this poem at once. I find that some of my cherished friends have partially misunderstood it. The unpracticed reader will find much difficulty in reading it, and, perhaps, more still in knowing why certain words were employed in preference to oth-

PREFACE.

vii ers, or why certain rhymes were adopted which border on the ridiculous. In reference to all which, I would say, I have purposed to do all as you find it — of choice I have used such expressions and rhymes. In my judgment, the burlesque could have been done in no other style so well. The words, the feet, the rhyme, the subject, are all homogeneous, or should be so ; and, hence, the reader, if he can enter into the spirit of this poem, will find, if I mistake not, a constant pleasure throughout, at the expense of a doctrine which he will intuitively see is fake and impious. May I hope, then, that the reader will not judge hastily, or before a thorough and careful perusal. It is known to the public that I have written much on the subject of Universalisni — that I have had many discussions with the principal men on that side in this country — and that I am held in abomination by them on account of my labors in this department : but, if the reader will pardon an apparent egotism (for necessity puts it upon me to speak of myself is this preface), I must give it as my candid judgment, that this poem is the best that I have produced on the subject. I have aimed it as a home-thrust into the vitals of the error ; and if I have missed the mark, I am more deceived than I supposed I could be. This remark is made for the purpose of calling public attention to this production. While I think the poem may do great good, I desire it to have a fair trial, by being read by the intelligent.

In the presence of some readers, perhaps, an apology may be due for the singular measure adopted in the present case. I confess that a measure more easily read might have been selected, and one by which the author's meaning could have been more readily gathered : but, in that case, two important objects would have been lost — the originality which was supposed to be essential under all the circumstances, and the facility afforded by this

Vlll

PREFACE, length of line, and its termination, of saying what was intended in such a way as would cut with the most effective edge. Experience has taught me, that alternate lines, of twelve and eleven syllables, are most happily adapted to the special purposes of the Universaliad, and, perhaps, also to satire in general. The first line ending with a short syllable, and the next with a long one, &c, gives wide scope for rhymes, if these be an object, so that any description may be had, or any sentiment expressed, at the pleasure of him who is favored by the muses. If, then, the reader will look into this subject carefully, he will find, it is hoped, no cause of regret on account of the singular measure adopted in the poem before him.

Byron once said of himself, "I love rhymes." They are by no means essential to poetry — they are often obstructions and burthens to it : nevertheless, if they can be used without seeming to be sought, or without expressing less or more than the sentiment intended, they become ornaments, and should be used. I confess myself fond of them. They are used, on all occasions, throughout the following poem. In some instances they may appear somewhat forced or unnatural — as when a word is divided at the end of a line — but in all those places I sought to have it so, rather than otherwise, for the sake of the subject then in thought. I am aware that some critics have condemned this practice ; but I maintain that it is justifiable at certain times. Far the greatest number of the critics have neither better taste nor judgment than the authors they affect" to review. It is sometimes the case, that one man elevates himself into a judge or censor of the productions of all other men ; and, unhappily, it is not unfrequently the case, that a whole community gives up to him both conscience and judgment ; while, at the same time, he may be neither poet nor philosopher — -may not be as deserving as

PREFACE.

others wholly unknown to fame. For one, I will not be hampered by the rules of a dull lexicographer, or a more dull editor, who seeks little else beside the whistling of a name — to whom accident or fortune has given an importance which might as well have been given to others.

What reception this work will find among Universalists, is not hard to divine. Already the cry of misrej)resentation is heard. But the public will know how to appreciate this species of trickery : and I desire herein and hereby, to issue a challenge to the whole clerical corps of TJniversalists, on this wise — I propose to prove, from any stanza they may select from this poem, that their doctrine is not misrepresented in it, but that it is truly and fairly expressed and contains their sentiment. We dare them, then, to select what they deem the worst parts of the production and make the experiment. If they do not believe what this poem confesses as their faith, then they are not Universalists, that is all. Until some of them shall accept this challenge, let us hear no more of misrepresentation. Universalism is here described as I understand it ; but that I understand it clearly and fully I have no more doubt than that there is such a thing in the land. And if I know any thing of my own heart, I have no wish to misrepresent it. But the thing is, as it here appears, and the common sense of mankind is bound to confess it so.

The Universaliad is designed to do good to the cause of general Christianity — it is anti-sectarian throughout, and is dedicated to all persons, everywhere, who love the truth, and work righteousness. Much care and pains have been expended in getting it up. It is now completed and stereotyped, so that the enterprising publisher, Mr. Silas W. Leonard, will bring it profusely before the public. He must sell, of this book, some forty or fifty thousand copies in a few years. May truth triumph s.

PREFACE.

over error, and may righteousness prevail over ignorance and superstition !

Respecting the " Lectures on Universalism," that follow, and are bound with, this volume, it may be well to remark : they were published periodically in the years 1843 and 1844, all except the eighth Lecture in this series, which was published in 1847, in the "Christian J ournal and Union." The whole is now revised and corrected, and submitted to the candid and enlightened public. ARTHUR CRIHFXELD.

Covington, Ky., July, 1849,

THE

UNIVERSALIAD.

CANTO L

" 1 own there are difficult things, and can't fix 'em,

And partialist writers have made them full strong— The best I can do is to jumble and mix 'em,

And then go ahead and proceed with my song."

Canto I, 51. THE ARGUMENT

The hero of the poem is a Universalist clergyman, who is at once introduced and described. His creed is summarily put down. The means by which he rose to eminence. He findeth occasion to publish his doctrine verbally to the world: he posteth up a hand-bill : he appeareth in the crowd : he takcth his position in a bar-room, before the decanters; commenceth his discourse; defineth his position; entereth into a long detail of hell and damnation; defineth what hell is, in the view of Universalists ; giveth an account of his mission to hell ; visiteth a ball in those regions; goeth a day's travel further into hell; visiteth the palace of the devil, and is treated kindly ; witnesseth a convention of Whigs and Democrats; joineth a wedding party; describeth the banking institutions of hell ; beholdeth the internal improvements of the place; attendeth meeting, and preacheth in hell; seeth many physicians and lawyers there, with others ; findeth and defineth the fire and worm of hell ; describeth the location and boundaries of hell ; asserteth the pharmacy of the place, and the therapeutic agents; telleth how it acts as a purgatory; and, having proceeded thus far, he confesseth the difficulties in the way of his doctrine. Unable to satisfy his own mind, he proposeth and attempteth to satisfy others, but plungeth into deeper difficulties, and endeth his speech by saying, that, if salvation be not in one way, it is in another, but is uncertain which.

THE

UNI VEESALIAD.

CANTO I.

A man there once liv'd, but to tell in what nation,

Or when he was born, or his family name, Is nought to the Muses : 'tis but his vocation

I sing, and commit it forever to fame ! I sing not of monarchs, or tyrants, or heros,

Or dynasties rising, or nations that fall ; I leave tyrants, despots, Caligulas, Neros,

For one humble wight that eclipseth them all.

II

He is not a traveler, like famous Don J uan,

Or knight, like Don Quixotte, to Dulcinea sworn, Or musing Childe Harold ; in short, he 's a new one,

And runs a new race since the day he was born. A man of one thought, of one single idea,

That darkness is light, good is evil, short long, The present is future, sweet bitter — must be a

Fit subject to live in the annals of song.

THE UNIVERSALIAD.

III. His one lone conception was purely religious

His creed was his own, and one article in % His knowledge was lean, but his zeal was prodigious,

Of brass he'd enough for the government mint. What nation he left when he came to Columbia,

Or whence came his creed, virtuosos may tell ; It sprang, if we credit the archives of some, by a

Dark postern of earth which connecteth with hell.

IV

But that soundeth harsh, in the ear of good breeding,

And charity, hearing it, taketh offense : The way his creed came, to the best of my reading,

Is this — 'tis the absence of all common sense : For, who can imagine that man of a sane mind,

Who fancies the Scriptures do plainly express That sinners are saved without faith ? 'Tis a vain mind

If not indeed mad — and can scarcely be less.

V. The Bible J s a book which contains the religion

Of all pious people — and thus much he knew — And read it for matter to span out a bridge on,

Or over hell future, to keep it from view. Besides, oft he read in the " Star" and the " Trumpet,"*

To gather their spirit and drink of their wit- To learn what is orthodox, and how to thump it,

And bite at good men so as not to be bit.

* Universalist periodicals.

THE UNIVERSALIAD.

L5

VI. The man was industrious in riding to peddle

To buyers more simple and vain than himself, The fabrics on hand, or to wrangle and meddle

With other men's creeds ; but he did it for pelf : For, tho' he believ'd all are on the sure highway

That leadeth to glory, without any doubt, [way," He sputter'd and froth'd, crying, " Friends, come my

To joust their opinions, and scatter them out.

VII. If any he found of the orthodox lukewarm

Or under the censure of elders in charge, He'd belch like a bellows, or rather would puke warm,

The bile of dissension, and fling it at large. And thus, from the several orthodox parties,

He gather' d backsliders, and form'd them a clan, Then, triumphing, uttered, " Come on, now, my hearties.

The rear of the army, henceforth, is the van !

vIII. [blackguard, "Why may they not heav'nward, the drunkard and

Drive on at full speed till they come to the boon — Like men who, in stages and rail-ears, ride backward,

And go just as fast, and get home just as soon % Our fate is a rail- way ; but what we call votives,

As faith, hope, and love, are in destiny vain, For hell and damnation are life's locomotives, . That press on the track and that draw on the train.

THE UNIVERSALlAD.

IX

" I 've seen, on the steam-boat or rail-car, the trav'ler Not only sit backward, but, riding, walk back,

And yet go ahead, maugre reas'ner or cav'ler, Nor miss, by his retrograde motion, the track.

From cars under speed, if men fall, we can't catch 'em But, from heaven's car, they can't fall fully out,

For there 's still below them an engine to snatch 'em,

And jerk them along to the end of the route."

X. 'Twas thus he acquired his trade pretty fully

By practicing oft in his own neighborhood, And rose, by degrees, a redoubtable bully,

And stood up, at last, where his fathers had stood. 'Tis thus with all great men — by little and little

They rise from the darkness and peer into day ; They dig down the mountains, or patiently whittle

The tallest oaks down that obtrude in their way.

XL

Full often he pray'd that he might opportunely

Find some fit occasion t' unburthen his mind Before the whole world — and it chanc'd him full soonly.

It came at his call, and may thus be defin'd : The crowd had assembled to hold an election,

Or put a fifth wheel to the chariot of state ; And when they had done it — or found, by inspection,

What man of their choice was so happy and great —

THE UNIVERSALIAD.

XII. At all streets and corners a poster flam'd like a

Great show-bill for circus, whose black gothic head Stood out on the sheet in its fifty-line pica ;

And thus, as for substance, the document read : K Good news to the world, to the good and the evil !

Come, come to my meeting to hail the great light ! I'll preach about hell, and will prove that the devil

Is dying, or dead — and his fun'ral to-night !"

XIII. The hand-bill produced a prodigious excitement

The sober turn'd out from so novel a case, [meant, And all were most anxious to know what the light

And fools, for a frolic, throng' d out to the place. At first there was doubt, and perplex'ty for room

To hold such a crowd, all intention to hear ; At last a kind landlord cried, " Come to my bar-room —

A room that is spacious, commodious, and clear. 33

XIV. The lawyers and doctors, and dandies, and planters

And loafers and spongers — a crowd was of them ; He stood in the bar, just before the decanters,

And was the bar -keeper pro re and pro tern. 'Gainst orthodox people he rav'd, and he thump'd 'em,

For being so torvous and tight in their way ; From off a small box, his pro tern ramaumptum,*

He utter' d what follows, stenographers say:

* The name of the Mormon pulpit.

XV

" Draw near, ye profane, all ye loafers and muckers,

I've something to tell which I've cater' d for you; Ye murderers, liars, ye thieves and grog-suckers,

Rejoice in the doctrine of £ father Ballou !' Go on, ye disciples of mammon and whisky,

Go on, or stay back, or do nothing at all; Your heaven is sure, and will open by this key —

The worst are as safe as saint Peter or Paul !

XVI. " I tell you, my friends, it is all a delusion

That partialists dream of — a hell that shall come ; No hell is much worse, or a greater confusion,

Than what gurgles out of a bottle of rum. The J ews' hell went out in the valley of Hinnom,

And, as for the Gentiles, 'tis plain they have none, Except the small portable one they have in 'em

Whenever they sin — but to feel it is fun !

XVII

"As much has been said, both of hell and damnation, By orthodox preachers, who always are wrong,

I'll give you a sketch of my own observation, And set the thing right at the start of my song:

Well, hell is not rank'd with the primary planets, Nor yet with the moons, their attendants oblate ;

Long since the creation it grew, and began its ' Career — not a world nor an age, but a state.

XVIII

% ' But 'tis not a state in the sense of Kentucky,

Virginia, Ohio, Missouri, or Maine, Nor yet (and for man that provision is lucky)

A state beyond time in the regions of pain. Hell cleaves to the earth, but our circles and angles,

Our latitude, longitude, set it not forth ; It dwells in all zones, in all countries, and wrangles

And breeds its confusion from south to the north.

XIX

"In short, it is this on£ compris'd within that one,

But this one is moral, political that ; This has no dimensions, but that is a flat one,

Described in an atlas, or drawn on a plat. To be, then, in hell, is to be in Virginia,

Kentucky, Ohio, or old Illinois, Or Greenland, Borneo, Kamtschatka, or Guinea,

Or wherever sin our affections employs.

XX

" To be sent to hell need not very much vex us,

Or break down our spirits by wasting despair; "We can pay the debt in Missouri or Texas,

Or go to New England, or stay where we are. When we swallow hell, hell doth open and swallow

Our spirits, then weldeth her chain to our link : Two black-snakes once met near their den, in a hollow,

And swallow'd each other and coil'd to a kink.

THE UNIVERSALIAD.

XXI

u But figures and tropes for the present omitting,

As not the best suited to tell what I would, I charter a diction more simple and fitting

To sing about hell, and to be understood. We all go to hell by our simple transgressions,

And all guilt is hell, be it found where it may ; Ev'n saints are in hell, till they make their confessions,

Whenever, as sheep, they have wander' d astray.

XXII,

" The hell that there is, indeed, all there is of it,

I reckon somewhat like an ill, scolding wife, A tariff on joy, to be paid as a profit

Hereafter, but binds us and damns us for life: We cannot, in life, get a bill of divorcement,

And still the old termagant plieth her ways ; The writ of ejectment, and act of enforcement,

Will send her adrift at the end of our days.

XXIII

" Hell, then, is on earth — co-extends with her surface,

Spreads out with her seas, and begirts every clime ; J Tis not high in air, nor below her superfice,

But stays where men stay, and is bounded by time. Then, if you'd see hell in its ugliest phazes,

To gain such a sight you have nothing to do But visit the world in its wickedest places,

And hell and the devil will rise to your view.

THE UNIVERSALIAD.

XXIV

* I once went to hell — do you think I was not there ? —

And found how the orthodox truths misapply : For 'tis rather chilly than sultry and hot there—

I've known it to freeze in the month of July ! [tains, And, there, there are plains, there are dells, there are moun-

And groves of sweet sylvan delights all around — And cascades leap down from perennial fountains,

And laughter and mirth, in most circles, abound.

XXV. " I went to a ball, and, till then, 'twas a riddle

'Bout weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth ; They do it in hell by a dance to the fiddle —

The dancers, in pairs, intervolv'd like a wreath. An old toothless negro did finger and thumb it

To fling off the tunes, the delight of the ear ; But, having no teeth, he was fated to gum it,

The which he did gladly, absorbing his cheer.

XXVI. " But, thinking perchance I had seen but the frontier

Of hell, and that things were much worse further in (I'd scarce known a pain, or a grumble or grunt here,

Among all the numberless damn'd I had seen), I mounted a car of destruction, and hied me

Far on toward the center, with speed of the wind, A summer-day's journey most fully supplied me

With all that I sought, or desired to find.

THE UNIVERSALIAD.

XXVII

" Whilom, much I fear'd both of hell and the devil.

To see it, or him, was unspeakably loath ; But when with the world I found hell on a level,

I made it my homestead, familiar with both. I found even Satan not always in malice — -

Full often polite is the prince of the air — For, once on a visit, on en t' ring his palace,

He rose most politely and gave me his chair !

XXVIII. " In hell they hold balls, and conventions, and parties

Discourse of religion and high politics, The science of warfare, and what the best art is

Of public defense, or the tariff to fix. I've seen Whigs, in hell-fire, convoke their conventions,

And pass resolutions in favor of Clay ; And Democrats slyly defeat their intentions,

Or blow them, in clouds of confusion, away.

XXIX. " They marry in hell : and the happiest wedding

I ever attended, or ever shall find, Was that of Miss Pindar to Chancellor Hedding,

The chief of his tribe, and the best of his kind. We fiddl'd, we frolic'd, we play'd and we caper'd,

We drank, we carous'd, we sang ditties of fun, All night — in the morning we sober'd, and taper'd

The spree to an end with the rise of the sun.

THE UNIVERSAL! AD.

XXX

tt The people who say so, are hugely mistaken,

That hell is all dark, without one ray of light : The citizens sleep, and, refresh'd, they awaken,

Repair to their labors, and end thern at night. 'Tis true, some are sick, others suffer from lewdness.

And all are perplex' d, more or less with their cares ; But pleasure reigns here, with amusement and shrewdness,