Memoirs of the life and travels...

Front matter

MEMOIRS

OF IRE

LIFE AND TRAVELS

Preface

In a preface it is expected the author will give some reason for his publication : to meet this expectation I would remark, that having been so unfortunate, about four years ago, as to rupture a blood vessel, while preaching in Forsyth-street Church, in New-York, which occasioned a haemorrhage and inflammation of my lungs, and thereby rendered me incapable of preaching, except occasionally ; and my desire to benefit my fellow creatures being as great as ever, and having been requested by my venerable friend and 'father in the Gospel, Bishop Asbury, more than twenty years ago, to keep a journal of my travels, and note down the extraordinary occurrences I might be called to witness ; I thought I could not employ my time more usefully now in my worn down state than by writing and publishing the memoirs of my life : and feeling a confidence of the truth and importance of the maxims I have taken for a motto, " Never to hew blocks with a razor," and that "He must be a truly honest man who is willing to be

PREFACE, always open to the inspection of honest men I therefore present it, such as it is, to a candid public, hoping and ardently praying, lhat Christians of all denominations may find it a means of increasing their faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, and of encouraging the timid, doubting souls to press into that kingdom that is not meat and drink, but righteousness, and peace, and joy, in the Holy Ghost. If these effects are produced, then will be accomplished the ultimate desire of the author.

M E M O I R S .

OP

I was born in Norwich, in the state of Connecticut, on February 24th, 1771. My father, Nathan HiBBARD, was by trade a tanner and shoemaker, and of good report for honesty among all his acquaintance ; he had married Mahetable Crosby, by whom he had ten children, of which I was the eighth. This woman was said to be very pious ; she died, however, when I was about two years old. Her two last children were twins, they both died in a short time after they were born, and she followed them in a few days, in the assurance of faith and in hope of a blessed immortality. My father lived a widow^er about seven months, and then by the advice of many respectable neighbors, he married Miss Phebe Fitch ; and truly this was one of the best of women ; the first things of importance that I can remember, were the instructions of this good w^oman : she taught me my prayers, and to fear God and keep his commandments.

In the year 1775 we heard of war; the British had sent Thomas Gage with ^ fleet and army to

Boston to reduce the colonies to subjection. In a little while we heard of the dreadful battles of Lexington and Bunker Hill, — all was bustle and noise of war ; soldiers were called out ; my father and four uncles went ; I asked my mother if the regulars would kill them : she said, I hope not, child ; but I saw tears in her eyes as she spoke. At night she instructed me to pray for my father, and to pity the regulars who were sent over by the king of England to kill us, if we did not submit to his tyrannical laws. But she hoped the Lord would save us from his tyranny.

My mind was impressed with a sense of pity for the soldiers ; because they were forced to fight for the support of wicked rulers, and if they succeeded to enslave us in this land, as they themselves were enslaved in England, we too should be obliged to fight to support wicked rulers. But I prayed most earnestly, that God would deliver us from their power. My mind being occupied with these matters, and hearing so much of fighting and war, I had many dreams of battles. I saw armies meet, and balls fly thick and swift. In one of these visionary battles I thought my brother v/as wounded ; he lay bleeding on the ground, I went to call my uncles who were in the ranks, firing at the enemy, to take my wounded brother away ; but as I drew near to them, I saw the enemy in great numbers, pouring down from a hill : their glittering armour and the awful clangour of arms, threatened immediate destRiction to our little army. I thought surely we must all be destroyed, and none but the Lord can save us. I therefore raised my hands towards heaven, and cried out. O Lord deliver us from our enemies." That moment I saw smoke mingled with gravel stones and streaks of fire falling from heaven, between the enemy and our men, which spread over the enemy, and immediately all fighting ceased. There seemed to be but few of the enemy that came out of the smoke, and they all appeared friendly ; all the w^ounded were healed; the sky immediately cleared off, and a light, above the brightness of the sun, shone all over the firmament.

By this dream I was encouraged to pray, and trust in the Lord : I believed God would fioht the battles of America, and that finally our enemies would become friends. So much for a mother's instruction, by which, while young, I learned to fear and hope in God,

I went to school the principal part of the tim.e, from four until I was six years old, and met with no abuse ; but now the scene changed, for we had a very tyrant in school for a master, and it seemed he took pleasure in torturing me. I knew not why he flogged me so frequently, and so unjustly, until after he was turned out of school. But so it was ; I was so whipped and feruled, and kept to hard study, that T pined away to a mere skeleton ; and thereby excited the compassion of my parents and neighbors, so that they inquired the cause. But I dared not tell them for fear of violating the laws of my parents and my master, who had taught me, not to s tell tales oai of schoc! However, some scholars told their parents, so that the mailer canoe to ligbt, and he was soon expelled from ;he cisirict wiihoul a recoiiimendation.

Notwithstanding that I suffered QRCommon hardships, I learned more in that school lhan any olher^ for the length of lime ; for, besides what knowledge I got of reading and English Grammar, and many pieces I could recite, I learned much of human nature. It would be expected that I should know the rules of this schoolj and remenr^ber those rules, especial]}" when I was so frequently flogged for transgressing them, such as *'not to look off my book, while studying or reading." Sometimes when I stopt to spit, or blow my nose, I was accused of looking off my book, and called up and flogged. Sometimes a scholar would whisper to me, so I would look off, and was flogged many times for this ; but nothing was said to the one that whispered. The master pretended that he had great difficulty to keep me in order, and to make his task the lighter, he told the scholars they must tell him when I did amiss or did not mind my book, and they must also watch me, when I was out of school, and if I transgressed any rule to let hira know. Thereby they would be good children in his opinion ; but as for me, he said I was a Tcry wicked boy. However, his reproofs nerer once couTicted my conscience of sin. But my poor back has felt the smart of his rod, five limes in a day, and for no other crime than looking off my book, or blowing my nose, or sitting cross-lei^ged on my seatt

Once he boxed my ears and made my nose bleed and then whipped nie, because one said I picked my nose and made it bleed. Another rule was to go directly home after school, and make no noise; this I transgressed once, for to be sure, I was the first to go home after school was out. One afternoon as I was running before the other scholars in a foot-path, near the wall, I trod on a snake that curlecl around my ancle : I screamed out once, before I thought of the master's law. I ran into the cart road and waited for the scholars, to whom I gave a true statement, and begged them not to tell the master ; but they said they did not believe me, for I was a wicked boy, the master had said so, and they should tell him ; so 1 slept but little that night, and the next day lie called me up and gave me one whipping for screaming, and another for telling a lie, as he said, about the snake. This made me more cautious, to look where I stepped, lest another snake should frighten me into disobedience to the master's law. After this, 1 made no attempt to plead my cause, for I found when accused, if I denied it, I was whipped for the thing accused of, and again for lying: — as to lying, 1 could not feel a conviction of mind that I was guilty ; and as for the lies of the master and his two or three favorites, I could not believe that an holy God would condemn me for their wickedness. But all the comfort I had, was, that if I died the Lord would take me to Heaven ; also a persuasion of mind that something would transpire

to relieve me, and that the judgment of the Lord

Would follow the master^ and the two that informed against me* This often rested with weight and assurance on my mind ; and afler I neglected to plead my cause, some of the scholars spoke for me and contradicted his two informants, which much displeased the master, and for which several of them were whipped.

I have often heard my mother and others say, that one of the scholars (a man thirty-three years of age,) who attended the school ; had been one of my great friends ; and it was conjectured, if it had not been for him, the master would have killed me. This man I can well remember : he did not know a letter in the book when he first came to school ; and in four weeks he could read with a little prompting ; I contracted a great liking for him ; because he was so tender of me ; in the intermission, he would get me by him to teach him his letters and firbt syllables : yet the master would not suffer him to have me to teach him in the school hours ; but assigned the office to one of his favorites. This man spoke for me several times, and I escaped several whippings by his means. He would also shame the master's little favorites, in the noon hour, for informing against me ; insomuch that one of them made his confession to me that he had done me WTong : but the other, like the master, repented not ; though they had like to have ended my days. Now the cause of all this, was said to be simply this : my father^ who was a tanner, and no barber by trade ; though rt was said he could shave well ; was desired by the master, to shave him on a training day ; when he said he wished to appear to a good advantage among the ladies as spectator of the training. My father's razor was dull, so that he could neither shave close nor easy, and because of a little laughing at him about the girls, by my father and some others present, he became so enraged that, as they said, he looked more like a surly bull, than like a man. In this sour surly look, he went to training, to see the ladies, but they were too refined in sensibilities to be pleased with him, therefore they treated him with neglect ; and he charged all the blame on my father, for shaving him so.

I have been the more particular in relating these occurrences, because I heard some years after, that this same master was hanged for forgery ; that one of his favorites died in prison, where he was confined for some crime ; and that the other was lost at sea, in his first setting out for himself. But notwithstanding they had been cruel to me, I felt sorrow for their unhappy fate when T heard of it, though I was confirmed in my opinion, that the spirit of malice practiced by the master upon me, and taught to his two favorites, w^ilh their habit of lying, was the cause of the curse.

When I found my suffering excited the sympathy of parents and neighbors, it contributed to raise my drooping spirits. I soon gained my health, and enjoyed great happiness in my mother's instructions. My father's prayer I thought to be very good, because I viewed him to be a good man, but as to ihe prayer the master said over in school, though I could repeat it all verbatim, yet I never would use any of his expressions in my solemn prayers ; because I thought he did not mean what he said in prayer; and therefore, it would be offensive to God, for me to use them. I must be sincere and mean as I said.

I had an idea that lying was one of the worst of sins, and dared not be guilty of that crime. It happened a little before we moved to Berkshire, I went to visit one of my school-mates, and we, in our rambles, came to a road near a neighbor's barn, w^here was a number of willow trees, — we were highly delighted with the willow sticks, and were breaking off some, when the owner, who was a stern man, came near and yelled out at us, you villians ! are you stealing my willow sticks, Vll hang you !" This frightened us so that we ran off and left all, and I continued on home. In calmly reasoning on this, I concluded that though I broke off some sticks, yet I could not view it to be stealing, because I did not know it to be wrong : but as for Mr. D — he must hang me, or he would lie, and that would be his undoing for ever; so that I felt very badly, for I was not willing to be hung, and I was sorr}?- to have the man lie ; but I concluded to say nothing about it, as we were soon to move away, and I would keep at home, so I dispensed with going to see my grandfather because we had to go past Mr. D~ — 's house, and he might hang me. This worried rny mind at times, — but when I was seventeen years old, a circnmstance happened that settled the matter, as follows : It had been proposed by my father that my sister and I should go to Norwich on a visit, and though my fears had subsided about being hanged, yet I felt sorry for the foolish man, that he should threaten what would be a sin to perform. My anxiety was great to visit my native place ; asleep or awake, I was intent upon my visit ; and one night as I slept in the chamber under the roof, I dreamed that 1 was at Norwich, and after visiting where we had lived, I started to go to see my grandfather. On

my way, as I was near Mr. D 's, I thought of the

willow sticks, and concluded that he could not scare me now as he did when I was a small boy ; just then I saw a m.an coming with a rope in his hand ; as we met, I knew him ; he looked at me as stern as vengearice, and asked, ^' are you not the boy that got sticks from my willows ?" I said, I got sticks from some willows in the road round the point of that hill," (pointing toward the place ;) well" said he, I said I would hang you, and now I shall do it," (fixing a noose in his rope to put over my head.) I said, you will if you are stronger than 1 am," and drawing back my fist I let drive at his breast a full blow ! He stood as one amazed, and afraid to stir ; and I felt as though I had broken all the bones in my hand. I put my fist down by my side and passed along, rolling my eye at him, expressive of readiness to give him a harder blow than that : he seemed to sheer oflf as though he was as glad to leave me as I was him :

mv hand pained me so that I awoke, and found my

1* bed bloody, and the skin knocked off my knuckles so that the bones were bare. The next morning I found some pieces of skin on the rafter over my bed^ in such a manner that I must have been sitting up in bed to give the blow in that place. The next inorning I related the whole affair to the family, which made them laugh heartily. Now if I had been one of that sort of people that never have dreams, I should never have had to dress m.y wounded knuckles with the bones bare for five or six weeks ; but this was an occasion to disclose all my crime of steal* ing willow sticks.

After we had moved to Berkshire county, in Massachusetts, my father was engafi^ed in building a house, and having many workmen, he omitted prayer in his family, at which my motlier was very un« easy ; but my father intimated that he was doing right in the omission, because* he was building a new^ house. About the same time some soldiers came home from the army, where they had learned to swear horribly, and when my mother reproved them, they said they had learned it in the arm,y, where they thought it was right to swear, to make the soldiers brave and mind their duty ; but here at home, they believed it would be as well to dispense with it, unless it was on some extraordinary occasion ; but my mother would not allow swearing to be right on any occasion. My father also discountenanced the practice ; but a difficulty arose in my mind when I contrasted the conduct of my father in neglecting prayer and that of the soldiers in swearing. My father said it was right for him to neglect prayer be^ cause he was building a new house, and had so many hands about him ; and the soldiers said it was right for them to swear because it was war lime : but my conscience sided with my mother's sentiment, that both were wrong ; however, it was many years before my father began prayer again in his family, and those sentiments (of my father and the soldiers) obtained generally in the neighborhood ; for many who had prayed in their famihes, left off, and others who would not swear at home, would nevertheless, swear profanely at raisings, at trainings, and when on a journey, or at a tavern. J remember, one day at a training, a boy swore wickedly, and another boy reproved him— he stared open his eyes and exclaimed, why it's training day."

I was sent to school in this new settlement, and at first it seemed that the scholars and master, and the neighbors among whom I visited would never see a fault in me, for they praised every thing I did ; but w^helher they saw a fault in me or not, I believe the Lord saw many, for I soon began to swear a little (carefully) when among the boys that practised it, though I dare not swear before those that I thought would tell my father ; and when I first began to use profane language, though my mates were well pleased with it, yet my conscience w^as smitten with heavy reproof, so that for weeks I dared not swear at all; something often impressed my mind with an inquiry of, ** why will ye die ?" I can truly say, I had not known what guilt for sin was till now ; and now

I had only guilt for doing such things as I knew were wrong, and swearing I had known to be wrong : for some tinrie tliere appeared two powers contending in my mind, whether I would indulge in swearing like the generality of boys, and the most of men, oi whether I would live in the fear of God, as I had done. My father's plea for omitting prayer, and the swearer's plea for swearing, bore with weight on rny mind ; truly I liked my mother's plea better than any other ; but then she had acknowledged that most^ of people were wicked, and it was a prevailing sentiment, that it was right to be in the fashion and follow general custom ; so that after struggling three or four months, in which time I had spoken five or six wicked words, whereby I had lost all influence over my mates in reproving them, and all happinessin pra}'erorreligious instruction, that it was not long before I could swear without troubling my conscience about it, and for thiee years I presume I was as wicked as any one ; but in all this time I was too successful in keeping my wickedness hid from my parents, or they would have reproved me. My father w^as immersed in the cares of this world, summer and winter, in buildings, and in clearing up new land, and some merchandise. Many were the hardships of all classes of people the two last years of the war, and we had our share, but in no instance did I ever hear my father swear a profane oath. He was a jovial man in business, very apt to joke and jest, in a good natured way, but he must drive on work. My work was to go on errands, to ride about and collect debts, and go to mill, &c.

in which I had opportunity to swear without the knowledge of my parents ; and when alone, I would study out the different nriodes of expressing myself v/ickedly, soas to excel in this business ; for if a man did not go beyond the customary mode, he could not gain a respectful attention, I was so good a scholar in this science, that some swearers were frightened ai what I said, and reproved me- — ihey said I was too bad ; this gave me some check, for I thought if I should go too far for the wicked themselves, that if my parents should know of it, and reprove me, I should have none to plead in my behalf, and I should of course fall into disgrace among all. About this time, as my father was one morning helping me away to the mill, after he had lifted me on the horse, he said, Novv, boy, do you behave well to-day, and don't let me hear of any more of your wicked talk." As he spoke the last words, turning his head away, he seemed to choke with grief ; I saw a tear in his eye — he walked off and I rode on, but a dagger was in my heart. J began to consider the effect my wickedness had on my father ; he was grieved beyond expression ; my mother must be grieved too- — and what a monster of a wretch was I to grieve such parents. If my wickedness would grieve them, and shock swearing men too, vi^hat will be the consequence of my wickedness to me ? Why, truly, 1 must be damned, and hell must be my portion ! Yes, my mother has often told me, that the wicked must be turned into hell with all the nations that forget God and tliough I am novv hut eleven years old5 and may

IS live a great while to enjoy sinful pleasures ; yet, what of all that, there is no happiness in it, for the wicked scorn me because I am too bad, and then I must be damned after all. Truly I am a wretch undone, and shall be damned at last ! Thus I had my meditation while riding four miles to mill. After the miller had taken off my grist, I went into the house to warm me ; his daughter was just then clearing the oven of coals, and threw them on the fire, which made it very bright. I sat looking into the fire, and tiiought, must I lie in such a hot fire as that to all eternity." I fancied that I saw myself in the fire, writhing and turning myself to bear the torturing pain, when suddenly I saw the justice of God in my misery, because I had sinned ; a trembling seized me ; I was afraid the family would notice it, and ask the cause ; 1 arose and steered for the door — w'ith difficulty I got out, and to keep from falling, I laid hold of the garden fence. After getting breath and strength, I walked round a little hill, out of sight, and there gave vent to my tears. Here for some time 1 lament* ed my profane swearing ; other wickedness I knew I was guilty of, but this sin was in my mind, the fountain of all my sins, because therein I treated God with contempt and cast off his fear ; I raised my mind in prayer, but there was no access to God. I thought I must break off from my sins before God would have mercy on me, and I must set about it immediately or there never could be any mercy for me ; I then looked round to see if any body saw me, for I wanted to speak out, though I believed that

God was omnipresent in hearing and seeing. When I found I was alone, I put my hands together, and raising them up, I said, O Lord, I will not swear profanely any more adding a solemn vow to this promise. Now I thought I must pay unto the Lord this vow, or I should certainly be damned ; but now there was some hope of mercy if I repented aright, therefore it behoved me to pay close attention to keep my vow and not to swear any more. Also to break off from all other sins, although I had not so clear a sense of any sin as that of swearing, and I understood that real repentance was to be sensible of my sins, to feel a suitable sorrow for them, and also to forsake them. In order, therefore, that this and other sins might be clearly manifest to me, I made it a practice to use such language in prayer as this, 0 Lord, teach me my sins," Then I would wait to have some sin brought to my thoughts ; sometimes I had many sins brought to my remembrance, for which I would ask pardon with weeping eyes, expressing my sincere sorrow for them ; at other times when 1 said this short prayer, 1 would add, "and help me to repent aright," for I thought if I did not repent aright, I should be justly damned for unfaithfulness in repenting ; and lest I should be guilty of using vain repetitions as the heathen do," I would wait solemnly with my mind intently fixed on God for an answer. I read the Scriptures with greater attention than ever, and in private I would weep and mourn for my sins ; I had some fears that I should not find mercy at last ; nevertheless I prayed heartily that the Lord would spare my life until I could completely repent.

At one time I felt encouraged, that if I were faithful, 1 should repent enougli by the time I was thirty years old ; but after awhile, I began to see that my sins were greater than I had thought them to be, that I had not felt sorrow enough for them, and that I had not made sufficient confession to obtain pardon, and now I must go over with them again. Now the most of my nights I spent in weeping ; my pillow and my shirt collar were often wet with tears, and I would arise early to wash my face for fear some one would discover that I had been crying, and ask me what was the matter, which I dare not make known at that time, for my mother had been so opposed in her good designs, that she was discouraged, and had said, it was in vain for any one to try and worship God unless in secret. There was one sin I had committed besides swearing, that for awhile I thought could not be forgiven me. Jt was this : I was one day by an old saw mill, and looking round among the rotten timber, I saw a small iron staple in a rotten billet: this I coveted and took it along wMth me : on my way home I was convicted in ray mind that this was stealing, and if my parents knew it, they would chastise me : but I was not willing to carry it back, and I w^as afraid of being detected at home ; at first, I knew not wdiat to do, when it was suddenly suggested to my mind, to throw it forv/ard in the road and then find it, and say I found it : this suited my carnal mind, — I did so, but no one ever asked me about it and I forgot it, untii now it was brought to my recollection ; and oh ! the keen remorse and guilt I felt; I viewed it lo be stealing as really as if I had taken a thousand pounds in money ; and what aggravated my condemnation was, that I had a check of conscience at the time, and did not regard it, and then I might have given again that which I had robbed, (as it is written in the Scriptures, Ezekiel xviii.) but now it was lost, and therefore too late.