The life and exploits of Jehovah

Introduction

MANY of the legends connected with the Jewish God Jehovah and his personal representatives, of which the Bible is largely composed, are lost in antiquity; an incredible number, however, still exist. Part of these are found in the present form of the orthodox Bible. Many more appear in those apocryphal books of both the Old and New Testaments that have been preserved. Others are found in Talmudic and Mussulman writings, taken, doubtless, from books that were at one time part of the ''sacred scriptures," but which disappeared long ago. Of these apocryphal books seventy-two of the Old Testament, and twenty- four of the New, are accounted for. The number lost is uncertain.

That these books were formerly considered "sacred" and "inspired," both among the ancient Jews and the early Christians, is readily proven. Many of them were not rejected until as late as the fourth century and after, and the Roman Catholic Church still accepts a number that the Protestants have discarded. Says Origen: "It may have been that the Apostles and Evangelists, filled with the Holy Ghost, may have known what was to be taken from these writings and what was to be rejected; but for us to presume to do such a thing would be full of danger, not having the Spirit in the same measure to guide us.'' However this may be, it is an evident fact that the Christians of the first century believed books to be inspired, and therefore necessary to salvation, that the Christians of today deny. For instance, the "Testament of the Twelve Patriarchs" — one of the apocryphal books of the Old Testament containing wonderful stories of miracles and sorceries — is quoted by Paul: "Awake thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead" (Ephesians, v, verse 14). And again, "The wrath is come upon them to the uttermost" (First Thessalonians, ii, verse 16).

To those who, through religious prejudice, may attempt to deny some of the legends and wonders found in "The Life of Jehovah," the writer would state that there is not a single story narrated but what has its source in the ancient Scriptural and Rabbinical writings. The writer has simply put them in popular language. None of them are his own invention. They were at one time all believed by the faithful followers of Jehovah.

A number of the recognized works containing these legends are as follows : The Apocryphal books of the Old Testament; the Apocryphal books of the New Testament; the Talmud; the Koran; "Legendes de L'Ancien Testament," by M. Colin de Plancy; D'Herblots "Bibliotheque Orientale"; Migne's "Dictionnaire des Apocryphes"; Dr. G. Weil's "Biblische Legende der Muselmanner"; the "Chronicle of Tabari"; the ancient "Book of Jasher"; "Legends of the Patriarchs and Prophets," by the Rev. S. Baring-Gould, M. A.

In this work it has only been possible to introduce a limited number of the ancient beliefs regarding Jehovah and his earthly representatives that are not to be foimd in the Qiristian Bible, selecting those that are most immediately connected with the characters and incidents that make up the orthodox creeds.

The "Life of Jehovah" is, it would seem, suificiently sustained by the inspired Scriptures of the Christians of today to become a recognized authority in orthodox religious literature.

THE LIFE AND EXPLOITS OF JEHOVAH

Chapter I

^T^HE deeds of the great and wonderful characters of ^ all time have been sung in song and told in story, but, strange to relate, the astonishing life and amazing exploits of Jehovah of the Jews have never been gathered in popular form for the instruction and entertainment of the public. Perhaps Time, the evolver of all things, waited for my appearance to do the work.

To start with, Jehovah had no origin, and for infinite ages had lived all by himself in boundless space. From a beginningless antiquity he had leisurely lounged on a gold throne that rested on nothing, the sceptered sovereign of a sunless, starless, earthless, moonless universe. The only light he had was the blaze that blew out of his mouth, and the only vapor was the smoke that steamed from his nostrils (Psalms xviii, verse 8). Sharp horns grew out of his fingers, and he carried a two-edged sword in his mouth (Habakkuk, iii, verse 4, and Revelations, i, verse i6). If any unknown enemy lurked in the murky space, Jehovah was prepared to meet him.

Then, at some period long before the Jews were ever thought of, Jehovah took a handful of nothing and created a host of winged angels. He created them in two classes, seraphim and cherubim — aristocrat and plebeian. For countless ages these angels were his only company. He gave them all golden harps — also made of nothing — and they continually flew around his throne, that shone by the blaze that blew from his mouth, like flocks of pigeons, or June bugs about an electric light, and played and sang "Hoch der Jehovah." After living and reigning thus for billions of eons, Jehovah, as he gazed through the blackness of his boundless domain of emptiness, was struck by the idea of making a world, and filling it with every conceivable sort of creature he could think of. He reasoned that there was more room than he and the angels needed, and besides, a little exercise wouldn't hurt him. So one Sunday morning, something over 6,000 years ago, he went to work, and by Friday night he had everything completed. It took him just six days to create the earth, the sun, the moon, all the stars, every animal and insect in existence, hills, valleys, forests, oceans, rivers and fish, a full grown man and woman, and plant a garden, which grew and ripened in a few minutes, for the man and woman to live in. All these he made out of the limitless supply of nothing that lay around loose. The only variation of this wonderful creation was, that instead of making the woman of nothing, Jehovah pulled a bone out of the man and made her. This was not because the supply of nothing had given out, but it was to show that woman owed her existence to the man. The six days' work done, Jehovah quit. He was tired. He went back to his throne and took a day's needed rest.

The next week Jehovah visited the garden. He pointed out the peach and cherry and plum and pear and apple trees that were laden with fruit. He told the man and woman they could eat of all these, except one lone apple tree that stood in the middle of the garden. This was an extra fine variety, and Jehovah wanted the apples to make hard cider for himself and the angels. He told them if they should eat a solitary apple from that tree he would cause them to grow old and finally get sick and die. Otherwise the man and woman could live forever and take things easy.

Now among the other earthly beings that Jehovah had made during the six days he was at work was a snake that walked on his hind legs and spoke Hebrew. He was a captivating creature, was this snake, and one pleasant afternoon, while the man was taking a nap, the snake strolled into the garden and cast soft glances at the woman. Under the shade of the forbidden apple tree the snake and the woman coquetted while her lord and master slept. "Let us eat the juice of ,the gods," said the snake, as he reached to one of the bending boughs and plucked the luscious looking fruit. And alas! the woman did eat. Moreover, she went and awakened her man, and tempted him also to take a bite.

The sudden shock of the juice of that apple was something startling. Jehovah had squirted a secret spell into it. The man and the woman, for the first time, discovered that they didn't have on a stitch of clothing. If they had not devoured that apple this predicament would have passed by unnoticed, and there would not today be a tailor or dressmaker on earth. Our pants and petticoats, and all our B. V. D.s, are entirely due to the eating of that apple. Otherwise it would be nothing but September Morns. Skirtless and shirtless and sockless, we would have been a race of careless immortals if the woman and the snake had never met. This is from inspired authority.

Of course Jehovah, who sees everything, took in the whole performance. It angered him so that he has never gotten over it since. He cursed the snake and the man and the woman. He caused the snake to forever after crawl on his belly. He drove the man and woman out of the garden and made them toil for a living. He failed the earth with disease and death, and in his fury doubly doomed the woman. 'In sorrow thou shalt bring forth children,'' he told her, ''and thy desire shall be to tliy husband, and he shall rule over thee." Jehovah is no suffragette. He put a guard of cherubims around the garden, armed with flaming swords, for fear the man and woman might find the way back there and eat of anotlier tree that, we are told, was a positive antidote for the spell of the forbidden fruit, and thereby upset Jehovah's plan of damnation. While there is no record of the event, the evidence is that as soon as the man and woman were driven far enough away Jehovah pulled up the garden and took it to Heaven with him. Anyway, it has never been located since.

The man and woman, compelled to make a living for themselves, finally took up a homestead, settled down and began to raise a family. But Jehovah kept on their trail and caused them all sorts of trouble. He demanded sacrifices to keep him in good humor. He made them burgiup their choicest cattle on stone altars to appease his wrath. He said that nothing quieted his nerves like the smell of burning blood.

The first boy born, who was named Cain, didn't take to stock raising — he farmed for a living, and he had the audacity to offer up garden truck as a sacrifice to Jehovah. The second boy, named Abel, raised sheep, and he roasted mutton for Jehovah to smell. Jehovah liked the smell of Abel's mutton, but detested the odor of Cain's burning cabbage and garlic. This started a quarrel between the two boys, that resulted in the elder killing the younger. Jehovah in his anger drove the elder boy off the place. He cursed him from the earth, and told him that chinch bugs would take his crops from that day on. He made a hobo of him, and Cain became the first wandering Willie that ever came down the pike.

However, Cain finally struck a settlement that, it appears, Jehovah knew nothing about. He came to the land of Nod, ran across a good looking girl and married her. Where the people of Nod came from nobody knows. Their creation is not revealed in the inspired record. Jehovah must have made them during the six days he was at work, and then forgot about it.

After this human beings began to rapidly multiply upon the earth. The daughters of men were so captivating that the male angels became enamored of them; and they married them and raised a race of giants. These giants — half angel and half human — were a bad lot. They made such a rough-house of the earth that Jehovah repented ever having worked Hke a hodcarrier for six days at creating everything there is out of nothing. So he made up his mind to drown them all. However, there was one man, by the name of Noah, who did not have any angel blood in his veins, that Jehovah rather liked; and so he concluded to drown everybody but Noah and his family and start things all over again. He also decided to save one male and one female of every animal, bird, bug and insect. So he told Noah to build a boat and fill it with provisions to accommodate and feed the entire menagerie for a couple of months, also to collect a male and female of every living species on the land, from a mastodon to a mosquito. All this Noah did. He had no trouble whatever in discerning their sex and loading them into the boat.

Then the rain started. It drowned, so it is stated, everybody and every animal and bug that didn't take passage with Noah. In forty days the highest mountain peaks were swa^nped. To do this it poured ever a thousand feet of water every day. This was raining about a foot a minute. Why Jehovah took forty days to drown creation is somewhat of a mystery. He could just as easily have scooped up the whole ocean in one scoop and had the thing over in a few minutes. Perhaps he was afraid he would injure the whale that was destined to swallow Jonah.

However, we should not question the ways of Jehovah. We should be thankful that Noah lived to tell the tale.

When it was all over, and Noah had turned all the live stock loose, and he and his family were on dry land once more, the first thing he did was to build an altar and offer up a sacrifice to Jehovah of every animal excq)t pigs. Where he obtained th^n all, without killing the brood creatures he had saved in the boat, the inspired record does not tell. And the savor of the roasting flesh and blood smelled so sweet to Jehovah's smoky nose that he vowed to never drown the world again. Upon hearing this good news Noah immediately raised a vineyard, made a few barrels of wine, and tanked up. He became so tipsy that he stripped himself to the hide and finally tumbled off in a drunken stupor. One of his boys, named Ham, laughed at the condition his father was in, and for doing so called down upon himself and all his posterity the wrath and curse of Jehovah. Ham, who was a blonde, suddenly turned black, and he and his offspring were doomed to chattel slavery. It is therefore infidelity and blasphemy to claim that slavery is not a divinely ordained institution.

Again the sons of men began to raise large families, and the earth became peopled with many people. This time Jehovah made his angles keep away from the women.

At this period there was only one language known to all the universe. Jehovah, the snake, the angels and the Jews all spoke the same tongue. This state of affairs would have continued to this day, and there would be a universal language from Jerusalem to Jersey City, if it had not been for a number of investigating people that decided to explore the skies where Jehovah lived. They started to build a tow^cr to reach beyond the stars; and Jeliovah, having heard of it, came dov^n to earth and looked over the pile of bricks gathered for the proposed structure. Alarmed at the prospect of human beings — whom he had vowed not to drown again — invading the confines of Paradise, Jehovah hurried back to his throne and, gathering a flock of angels, rushed down on the people building the tower, and with one stroke of magic caused them to immediately speak all the various languages we now have. This clever piece of diplomacy on the part of Jehovah is all that kept a brick tower reaching from earth to Paradise from being built.

The consternation of the people building the tower can well be imagined. Shouts in Norwegian mingled with cries for more brick and mortar in Latin, Greek and Sanscrit. Yells in Gallic were answered by people who had suddenly become Teutonic. Some spoke English, some Spanish, and some Low Dutch. Others only understood Russian and Pategonian. Choctaw and Chinese tried to talk to Hindoo and Japanese. Italian was answered back in Swedish, and Hungarian in Hottentot. Irish and Finnish and Flemish and Turkish jabbered away like a pack of magpies. Some went wild and talked gibberish. Whole families were unable to make out a word of what each other said. At last they all got mad and pelted each other with the bricks mtended for the tower. Not satisfied with raising all this bedlam, Jehovah capped the climax by scattering the people all over the earth, giving them different features, different complexions, and different reHgions. Only a chosen few, that still spoke Hebrew, remained undistttrbed. And they, as w^e shall hereafter discover, had a sorry time of it.

A prominent character among these chosen few was a rich cattle raiser by the name of Abraham, who had a brother-in-law by the name of Lot. Jehovah liked Abraham, and promised to make him the father of a great nation; but, as the years rolled by, Abraham's wife, whose name was Sarah, bore him no children. In fact, according to the inspired records, Abraham was seventyfive years old, and Sarah sixty- four, when Jehovah made the promise. So, as far as offspring were concerned, things began to look dubious to Abraham.

He evidently had a notion at one time to get the king of Egypt to help him out. The inspired record says that during a drought in his own country, Abraham and his wife, together with their cattle, journeyed into Egypt. When they reached there Abraham told his wife to pass herself off as his sister. "You are a handsome girl, Sarah," he said, ''in spite of your years, and the •chances are that the king will hear of your beauty and desire you, and if he learns that I am your husband he is liable to kill me." So Sarah passed herself off as Abraham's sister, and Abraham 'saved his precious skin; for sure enough the king discovered Sarah and brought her to his harem.

But Abraham did not become a step-father to any posterity. The affinity did not take. Jehovah, we are told, "plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues" on account of the transaction. What the plagues were we do not know. Probably the itch. Anyway, Pharaoh was glad to get rid of Sarah, and at the same time reprimand Abraham for lying about her. It seems that Jehovah must have told the king who Sarah was at the time he plagued him with the plagues, and that the plagues were sent as a warning to turn her over to Abraham again.

After this Abraham left Egypt and located in a place called Bethel. And still he remained childless. He completely lost faith in the promised posterity, and told Jehovah so. But Jehovah asked him to look at the stars, that he made one Wednesday afternoon years before, and see if he could count them. "So,'' said Jehovah, "shall your seed be.'' This quieted Abraham for a while. But he finally became nervous again over the matter, even as he was when down in Egypt.

There was a colored girl in the household, by the name of Hagar, a decendant of Ham, whom Abraham had bought from a slave-dealer and given to Sarah as a handmaid. Hagar was young, and Sarah was now nearly eighty. The rest is easy to guess.

When Sarah discovered what had happened she became furious and beat up Hagar with a flatiron, and drove her off the place. Hagar took to the woods. There Jehovah found her and made her go back and apologize to Sarah. Why he did not send Abraham some plagues, as he did to Pharaoh, divine record reporteth not.

In the meanwhile nature took its course, and in due time Hagar gave birth to a boy and called his name Ishmael. Abraham was eighty-six years old when this happened. Thirteen years afterward, when Abraham was ninety-nine and Sarah nearly ninety, and all his hopes of posterity were centered on the boy Ishmael, Jehovah appeared again and told Abraham that Sarah was soon to become a mother. This time, so the inspired record runs, "Abraham fell upon his face and laughed." ''Shall a child," said he to Jehovah, "be born to him that is an hundred years old? and shall Sarah, that is ninety years old, bear?"

It did look like a joke.

Then Abraham did the squarest thing told of him. He begged Jehovah to let Ishmael be his legal heir. But Jehovah wouldn't listen to it. Did not Ishmael have Ham's blood in his veins, and had not Jehovah cursed Ham for laughing at Noah when he was so drunk that he took all his clothes off and ran around stark naked? No — Ishmael was a fairly good sort of a boy, and for Abraham's sake Jehovah wouldn't sell him into slavery, but he would not do for heir-apparent. So a few days later, as Abraham sat in his tent door during the noonhour, and Sarah was inside washing the dishes, Jehovah appeared again, accompanied by three male angels. Abraham hastened to prepare a lunch for the celestial visitors. They were evidently hungry after their long journey, for the inspired record says they ate a whole calf, besides large portions of bread and butter and milk. The lunch was served out of doors, for, we are told, as soon as the angels had devoured it they asked where Sarah was.

'Inside the tent," said Abraham.

Then one of the angels repeated Jehovah's promise, that Sarah would soon become a mother. This even made Sarah, who overheard the remark, burst out laughing. But it happened, nevertheless, and the antiquated Sarah finally had a boy baby and called him Isaac. What influence the angels may have had in the affair is not narrated.

About this time Jehovah made up his mind to demolish a place by the name of Sodom, together with all its inhabitants, where Lot, Abraham's brother-in-law, and his wife and family lived. Sodom was too morally rotten to tell in print. On account of his relationship to Abraham Jehovah concluded to save Lot, so he told him to take the folks and hurry away and not to dare look back at what was going on. When they were about a mile out of town Lot's wife could not resist the temptation to take a look — and she did. It was a startling and terrible scene. There, on his throne in Heaven, sat Jehovah, emptying buckets of fire and brimstone on Sodom. He burned up the last inhabitant, and all their cattle. Then, for her crime of curiosity, Jehovah pickled Lot's wife as he would a barrel of pork, and stood her as a warning example a pillar of salt along the road.

What at last became of her the inspired record does not tell. Probably the roaming herds of sheep and goats licked her up.

This left Lot a lone widower, and he took to drink.

He had two old maid daughters. He became gloriously drunk, and had children by both of them. Jehovah had doubtless run out of brine, or he would have pickled the rest of the Lot family.

Shortly after this Isaac was born. Abraham was just a hundred, and his wife past ninety, when this event occurred.

When Sarah actually discovered that she had a child of her own she drove Hagar off the premises again. Hagar and her son Ishmael fled into the wilderness and there they nearly died of thirst Fortunately Jehovah happened to be passing that way and he caused a well of water to immediately appear. However, he did not send Hagar back to Sarah this time. He gave Ishmael a bow and arrow and told him to hunt for a living.

The years went on, and one day, when Isaac was a good-sized boy, Jehovah appeared and told Abraham that he was in great need of a bloody sacrifice to satisfy his feelings. He ordered Abraham to get his butcher knife, saddle his donkey, and take Isaac with him to the top of a certain mountain and there offer up the boy. It took Abraham three days to make the trip. When he finally reached there he built a stone altar, heaped it with dry wood, grabbed Isaac and tied him down. Just as he was ready to cut Isaac's throat and start the fire, one of Jehovah's angels suddenly appeared, leading a goat, and told Abraham that Jehovah was only joking — that he only wanted to see if he really was holy enough to butcher his boy to satisfy Jehovah's appetite for blood.

''Here," said the angel, "take this goat that Jehovah has sent, and offer him instead of Isaac/' This, we are told, Abraham did.

CHAPTER 11.

A NUMBER of interesting incidents regarding Jeho- ^ ^ vah's career at this period were dropped out ages ago from the divinely inspired record. The original story of the creation of Adam and Eve, the first man and woman, as handed down by the ancient rabbis, the Talmud, and the Apocryphal book, Little Genesis — all of which bear the same evidence of divine inspiration as the records accepted today by the learned theologians — differs considerably from the narrative contained in the orthodox scriptures.

According to the original account — ^which was very precise as to every detail — ^Adam was created on Friday afternoon at 3 o'clock. The four archangels, Gabriel, Michael, Israfiel and Asrael, were required by Jehovah to bring the necessary dust from the four quarters of the earth to make Adam. The earth was flat in those days and had four comers.

When Jehovah received the dust from- the four archangels he made the body of Adam at once. When thus completed Adam was so handsome that the angels, who had flocked from Paradise to witness the event, were knocked speechless — there wasn't a creature in Paradise that could compare with him for looks. For size he was simply a whopper. His body covered the whole earth, and if he stood up He would reach to the seventh

Heaven — wherever that is. There was some dust left over, that Jehovali didn't need in forming Adam, so locusts were made of it.

Adam as yet was not alive, neither did he have any insides. He was simply a bust of skin and bones. In this condition, lifeless but lovely, say the ancient rabbis, Adam had lain stretched out on exhibition for forty years, when Satan wandered along and took a look at him. Satan was amazed — he had never seen the like in Heaven or Hell. He carefully examined the mammoth form and found it was hollow. Then he went to Adam's mouth and stepped in. After navigating all through his anatomy he came out and told some angels that were gazing at the sight that there was nothing to fear — that the creature was empty all the way through. Then was when Jehovah put on the finishing touches — he blew the breath of life into Adam and made a live Jew of him. The breath went down his throat and into his belly, and wherever it went then and there th^ vital parts appeared. Liver and lungs, heart, kidneys, and aill the rest of the necessary equipment leaped into existence, blood flowed through his system, Adam sneezed, opened his eyes and said, "Praise be to Jehovah !"

The Talmud declares that when Adam stood up his head protruded into Heaven, and that he remained thus until Jehovah pressed him down at the time of the Fall.

Tlie ancient Talmudists do not all agree with the Genesis account of the creation of Eve from a rib taken out of Adam while he was taking a nap; they assert that Adam had a tail, which somewhat marred his beauty, so Jehovah cut it off and, not knowing what else to do with it, made a woman of it. He may have made two women out of Adam's tail, for the Talmudists tell us that Adam had two wives, Lilith and Eve.

Lilith, so the story runs, quit Adam's bed and board before the family was driven from Eden, and married the Devil — who had made all the trouble. She lived to raise a large family of children, who were called Jinns — half devil and half himian. These Jinns could appear like men and women when they so desired, or could go about unseen. An ancient account of the building of King Solomon's temple, that is left out of the Bible, says that Solomon employed these Jinns to do the heavy work. They were husky fellows, and could carry tons of stone up a ladder. Besides, they knew how to hammer and cut rock without making a particle of noise.

Another thing that has been left out of the Book of Genesis— and which would settle the long-disputed question as to where the sons of Adam obtained their wives — is this : Eve, who clung to Adam after he was driven from Eden, bore fifteen thousand boys and a like number of girls. These children came in twin lots, one boy and one girl at each birth, and when they grew up each hoy married his twin sister. Here, say the old rabbinical writers, is where Cain and Abel first fell out. Cain wanted to marry his own twin sister, as the rest of the boys had done, but Adam decided to change the program and wanted Cain to marry Abel's twin and Abel to marry Cain's.

According to the apocryphal book, the "Life of Adam and Eve/' which was originally a part of tlie inspired record, Adam died a very rich man. Before his death he called his children to his bedside, the whole thirty thousand of whom were present save Cain and Abel, and made a will The angel Gabriel flew down from Heaven to receive it, accompanied by an escort of sixty-tv/o million other angels, each provided with clean white sheets of parchment and goose-quills. The will was sealed by Gabriel and witnessed by the sixty-two million angels. It would have taken a cunning lawyer to break that will.